Ksher Nafshi 8- Unconditional Regular Chinuch

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com. The word unconditional means the opposite of a condition or tonight, right? You do something with a tenai. I'll do this for you if you'll do this back for me. There's unconditional love and there's unconditional. What does unconditional mean? I was thinking that the word we d every morning we say what is what does kani mean? Hashem should have on us but it comes from illusion from not because we deserve it. We ask hashem that hashem should answer our tillas not because we deserve it. What is if Hashem gives us something because we have sometimes our little child has in our eyes favor in our eyes. He wants something and he says please mommy please I want to have it. He told a few minutes ago he said you're not giving it to the child. But so we d toem that we should have in his eyes. How does that work? We deserve or we don't deserve. What if if some person one person has you remember in in uh in uh when we grow up in classroom we always felt that the teacher has a pet right? We used to say that this kid the teacher is always always picking on this kid and always giving space expense for the other. What does that mean is it does not mean for nothing. It means for nothing in return does not mean for nothing. It means for nothing in return. When a baby is born, when we have our children, we have our little ones and we say that the Hashem puts an in the baby with a little child. We love them. Push it. We get nothing back at the moment. Nothing. We just love them the way they are. We don't need anything in return. But what happens is as they grow older we start appreciating the feedback we get from the school, from the teachers, from other people. Wow, your child did this, your child did that. So we are starting to get nas. What does nas mean? What is the word nas? Nas means pleasure. It's the wrong touch, but that's what we say. I have pleasure from this child. This child grew up a dy and pleasure from the because this kid is bringing me pleasure. But that's not really what is when you hold something and you put it down. You don't have to carry it anymore. [Music] NASA means putting down. We have to carry our children. We're putting to them. And then when they grow up and we see have means I could I could stop carrying this child. This child is turning out to do the right things. does not mean that I am getting pleasure from this child. It means that I could start letting loose a little bit. I'm seeing this child is is becoming independent. The child is doing right choices. That's what means. But most of us are guilty of guilty of using the word nas ah a pleasure have such in this kid just with this child the most beautiful family such a it's me serving me my ego I am having nas we we we turned around the word is the it's the same exact thing as the moment we bring a child to this world we have to become extremely extremely selfless and our children and our kips help us do it very quickly. We become extremely selfless when we deal with our kid in pain. We become mamish selfless because we don't get any nas. We don't get any pleasure or people looking up at us. We don't get any our ego does not get fed from it. It's it's the opposite. So what does means unconditional I always say there's a mless a is give something you don't want anything in return you give something you don't want anything return that's what is so people think many of us including myself we started learning this when we had our own kip and And we started learning that is unconditional. It's unconditional love unconditional. Every every child needs unconditional in their own way. As I was talking to someone before the sh the people we're talking about not just the kip, we talk about the siblings. How many times we give to our kid, we give them extras and we listen to them and we give them and then the other kid comes to you and says, "I have a daughter, a teacher in school." And she comes to me just a couple of weeks ago and she says, "I drove her to school." She says, "Thati, I want to tell you something what I learned in teaching. So many teachers are very busy with the good, you know, there's the the good the the the kinder in the class that the ones that listen and always no problem. But then you have the average and then you have the troublemakers, the kids that don't have patience to sit through class. So she says so many teachers give so many so much extra for the for the trouble ch kids. They forget to appreciate the good ones and sometimes it makes them feel underappreciated and they think like why in the world am I being so good? I'm not getting any extra attention. and she says, "And that's how I feel when you deal with my brother, the Kip." That was her way of telling it to me. It was a big ouch moment. So, that was also uh an opportunity, an invitation to get into the conversation of understanding why I need to do a little extra for this kid and for that kid. And for her, I couldn't do certain things. She was able to understand it. It was good. It was a good moment. Sometimes when we're thrown into such a place, we could get caught off guard and we think like we lost it. The opposite. This is an opportunity. This is a good moment to to actually open conversation. There was a yid from that came to America came collecting had to make and he he knows that this in this giver house he saw this a big nice house and he knocks on the door and nobody answers. So he rings the bell and someone asked with the other side and so I said who's there and he says and the guy answered leave it in the mailbox. Sometimes we think we are giving sudoka, we're giving the matas for these kids. They came to give us we tell them leave it in the mailbox so we could use where they're giving us. They're sharpening our pencil. They're the ones that are teaching us what real is. People always think that the people that don't come to or they don't mahal, they think that we're in a whole new track and we're trying to this is this is supposed to be with every child. Of course, discipline has to be more with a healthy child than with the unhealthy child. But the unconditional giving and thinking what's good for the child and what's good for me, not what not what not what's feeding my ego or my plans for you. It's more what is good for this kid. So basically what we are, why we came here for this shabas and the previous shabusim is to be together and to realize all of us that we have the same story but very different colors and very different levels obviously but we're in the same mats lamas we're in the same mats and we're in a place where when we leave the shabas if we go back to our regular shs and neighborhoods and people don't understand us. What are you doing? What is this whole unconditional you guys are doing? What what is this? So we come here and this time we came over here to the most high to to get from each other and there's going to be so many speeches shabas and I think we need to try to absorb as much as we can but at the same time we came to relax to just be together with other with other people that are going through the name. One of the things I I do in I live in my one of the things I do over there is I work for project Kai from Kai lifeline. Project Kai from high lifeline is crisis intervention. I was trained by our team. We were all trained by Dr. Fox, Rabbi Dr. Fox from California. Trauma intervention. Basically, we are the ones that if someone passes away or if there's some kind we we we inform the parents if they lost a child or vice versa. One of the jobs that I really don't like to do but every now and then unfortunately that's that's what we do. One of the things that we learned and I think that this could be for all of us is that feelings come and go. We cannot control our feelings all the time. Sometimes a person you know I if it's children that lost their parents I go with them till after the la till after the burial I usually go along with them the beginning of the shiver a lot of support and some people come over to me and says I feel numb I don't feel anything is this normal say yeah it's normal you feel numb now the sibling is standing there and crying weeping away like there's no tomorrow and the other one is standing like there's nothing happening but tomorrow this kid is crying and the other one is feelings come and go we be numb. We could feel guilty. Guilty does not have to make sense. It's just a feeling. We feel guilty. Should have, would have, could have feelings should have done. You remember, you know, I remember this. This is shabaton number eight. I think you spoke already about seven shabatones and interacting with people. It's it's it's unbelievable how many people after so many years dealing with that kid they still come to me and says you know I don't remember when it happened but when he was my kid was in yeshiva I should have changed when there in school when the first time I saw my kid do they always go back to when it happened when did this child fall out of the system what when did it happen and as if as if we could we could have changed something. But this is natural. It's human. So throughout chabas, you're going to have all kinds of speeches and all kinds of people. You're going to be mingling with other people that are in a similar situation or worse. Are they going to tell you, "I dealt with it this way. I dealt with it the other way." And we're going to start feeling like maybe I should have what? It's okay. It's okay to feel anything at any time. If it comes, deal with it. Says, "Nam says gazint. It's actually very healthy to have it to have it come. It's okay. But the main thing is to know that you together with other people that are going through the same thing at the same time that in itself is a very big one said the site is one helps another changes the term not is friend is other we could always be we could always help another when they're in the we could always help them if you line you can help them there's no problem but only someone that's your brother your sister that's in the same mat as you you could say you could give only to the other person that's in the same mat as you don't want to get from someone that doesn't understand this mat they could help you if they're able to but I want to get only from this crowd. I want to get from people that are in the same mat as me, someone else that understands me more or less. They're in the same situation. And under that is the greatest I cannot go. I remember I was I was called recently to speak at Mikimis for people that have families the you know health issues and different times. It's it's you know I I was giving I I can't give for something that I wasn't at that time at that moment in the same place as them. I was giving them different ideas. You could help them. You could you could tell them how to do with their feelings different stuff. But you cannot come you cannot come and tell someone. But if someone tells you and they're in the same you're able to accept it. And for that alone this is another major factor that we can pick up on the Shabas to to be mazic. You're allowed to be mazic, your brother, because we're all in the same in the same mouths of mamish. We always say the word is this normal says normal. What does is this normal mean? Is this accepted? Right? We always say is it normal that my kid is uh doing this? Is it normal that I reacted that way? Is it norm what is this? Is this normal? Meaning does it fit into other people's pers perspective? Those are people that what what is is this normal? Is it normal? I always answer you mean to say is it balanced? Is it the right thing to do? Oh yeah, that's what I meant. Is it the right thing to do? We all get all these kind of throughout the year when we're not here together from neighbor from good people. But Emma's get to mention our family, our parents, neighbors, siblings, even sometimes our local would come and tell you different things. You're not allowed to do this. Why doing this? You should have say I'm being trained. I'm being I have I have support. I appreciate it. But no, thank you. And then they come and they question themselves. But is it normal that I did this? It don't. Yes, it's normal because if you picked it up from from one of the speeches or you you spoke to anybody over here for the shabas and you listen to tosh or to any other if this is normal. Yeah, this is normal. This is accepted. What do you mean it's normal? It's normal. No, it's not normal for normal. But it is normal. Accepted. It's balanced. It's something that makes sense in our the way we have to deal with this. When do we start giving unconditional? When do we start giving to a child unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, unconditional even if they even if even if it hurts us. When when do we start doing that? People think we call it stage four, right? I don't know if it was familiar like there's different different levels of a of a child uh going OD the way the world calls them. Uh he's just fell out of yeshiva or she she when do we start unconditional? I think we start unconditional when they're born. It has nothing to do with the kipus. People think that this whole unconditional starts when your child is totally there's no way of of helping this child anymore. So now the child suddenly realized the father comes home the mother comes home from a shabaton somewhere. I got a text message once from a from a group from a few and one of them is mamish totally dropped the whole after he was he was married already and he left his wife and kids and and his father came to one of the way back to one of the kashi shabatons and I'm I'm in a group with him and and I saw him writing over I don't know my father went to this shabaton and he came back and he's tired of telling me he loves me I never heard him tell me he loves me he never said it verbally he never he hugs me I don't know what that means but it's good at least at least I'm getting somecept acceptance at home. Okay, it's better late than not than ever, but unconditional love, unconditional, unconditional acceptance starts day one when the baby's born. And we all do it until the baby's 2, three years old. The 2-year-olds, I'm not talking about versus discipline or not. Yeah. At a certain stage, you cannot discipline anymore. But the love and acceptance starts day one. We are here. We are the ambassadors of teaching the whole world what is really meant to beam is just giving and loving our children for who they are. Nothing to do with nothing to do with self-pleasure with feeding our own ego. This means unconditional. So matnamas [Music] is unconditional. What is if if there's a condition if if if there's a tai it's not I'm gonna I'm gonna give you this gift the regular child the 10year-old 15y old regular child tati I want to have this a if you'll for the next few weeks your test is going to be 100 and I'll get it for you what did you tell your child if you are going to serve me that I am going to have nas I'm going to joy. My ego is going to be fed from your then I'll give it to you. I want to get it to you. I want to give it to you. You want to have this new bike? Of course I want to give it to you. Can't wait to give you something. But I'm here to help you grow. You're a regular good kid. I know you could make a little better in your bikin. I know you could be a little You want to try? Let's try for a few weeks. I'll get it to you then. But really, you deserve it already. It's not something we I don't want to spoil my kids. I don't want to just give you too much. I want I want you to feel that you earn. I want you to try a little extra. That's unconditional. It's not a conditional. It's not conditional. But it's conditional if they feel that it's to feed you. And as we know very well that today's kids, I don't know since when it started, but the last 20 years for sure, the children today have a special nose. They're able to smell hypocrisy from 10 miles away. They could they they know if every single word that the teacher said in school or the father said, "Was it, oh, this word they said because it was for their ego? This is because they want to really help me." The children know Zavis and Alice, they can't stand hypocrisy. They can't stand a hypocrite. They can't stand if you're doing it with with Nigas. They want it to be raw, real, authentic as possible. So when we are mechanical kids and you're doing it for their sake, total selfless, they're going to know. Even our mistakes, they'll be able to handle. But if we do it for our own ego, we do one mistake, they'll make sure to mention it to us again and again. And you remember then they're going to remind you exactly when you did this, you did that. I went to camp and you didn't tell me this and you you turned away because you saw my teacher and you didn't want to. They know it in a second. You're lucky if they tell you. They don't tell you. They still know it. They just don't tell you. The reason we are mak our kids and are helping our kips is not because we want to bring them back tokite. Nobody came here for shabas to pick up a formula of how to bring back our children to Hashem. So why did we come? We came to figure out how to make their life easier. how to help them go through their painful time in their life. A kip is literally a kid in pain. Emotional immense immense pain. Some of them were traumatized physically and some of them were traumatized by hypocrisy. I'm not sure which one does bigger damage. I'm telling you, I'm I work handson with teenagers on a daily basis for many, many years, probably 16, 17 years. There are much more trauma victims, trauma of hypocrisy, of being lied to, than actually being victims to trauma, molestation, or bullied, and anything else, which is terrible. I'm not sure which one is worse. Children growing up in a community and being told one thing and then they cup another thing. It kills them. I remember I was I don't know how old I was 8 n 10 years old and I was in my uncle's house. It was Tannis Est. And I was under the dining room table together with my cousin and we were playing I don't know what it was. I saw my uncle walk in. boot, looks left or right, and nobody sees it, takes a piece of cake and eats it. I can't tell you what that did to me. And this is a tiny little story. It's mammish. It rages. We got older. We knew who he was, so they didn't. But I I have a friend that's in the toy now with a friend Gans and he's talking to me telling me that that he was very upset with one of the best and he felt that he's a hypocrite that he's not honest and and he he knows the the the Baldin and I told him you cannot talk about this in front of your kids. They'll grow older, they'll be ready. You could talk to them. This is mamish damaging them. It's traumatizing them. It's trauma. Hypocrisy is trauma. Therefore, it's so important to be real. And I could tell my child, "I'm sorry. Yesterday I was angry. I I threw a word I shouldn't have." Boom. I'm not a hypocrite. I have no problem telling my child being real and saying, "This is my I'm not so good at this. This is this part is this is something that I still need to work on. They know it anyway. So why shouldn't I tell it to them? They know it. Our children know us better than we know our parents better than they think we know them. Same with our children. They know us even better. Today's kids, they know exactly who we are, why we do every single thing. So the reason we came for Shabas is to help them ease the pain of all these kind of traumas. And the end result is going to be that they're going to get healed. And anybody that's healed, there's no reason not to be affirmed. But they cannot feel for one second that you are giving them unconditional because then it's not then it's conditional that you're giving them unconditional love because you want to bring them back to kite. If that's in your head, they're going to feel it. They're going to know it. Tati mama of me because they're scared that I'm the ne my next step is going to be a tattoo. and they want to bring me back to their Yiddish kite. We are not trying to bring our children back to Yiddishkite. The more you're going to know this in your head, the faster they're going to actually come back. The Irish self and also we are not bringing them back because of our image, our family image, our ego. By the way, Yiddish is my first language, but I'm still not the the rich Yiddish like the like my Zidi used to speak. So, I never know what the word pastn was pnish. So, someone explained to me it's a pastish. It doesn't fit. I think that was the closest translation. It doesn't fit. Our family has to look this way. And I have a child walking around with pants in the street. My daughter's walking around with pants. My son is walking around with an earring this long. Hashem chose us to become pure. We are the sadikim of the generation. Hashem chose us to become arbit 100% selfless. And we realize and we are the ones that are spreading the word that's coming out from this. The vibes are going into the world that means selfless means not about me. How can I help each and every child of mine grow up the best they can? Help them grow up the best they can. They should make smart choices. So, we are not bringing them back to Yiddish Kite. And as I always say, Yiddish kite is the last thing that they drop and that's going to be the last thing that's going to come back. When your child takes off the Yamaka, this is the last thing they're doing. This it started already two years before if not 5 years before the whole story. We only realized it when they stop when they don't want to stop they stop wanting to go back to kaid or to school. Just had a couple came to me this week or Sunday. They said 14-year-old they want to start they want to make sure they're not going to go in the wrong direction. The daughter doesn't want to go to school anymore. They switched her to a different high school and they're working with her less less less curriculum, less less um noises that they're not going to teach her this and just the basics. And and you know they want to start over here. It's good. It's good that you're coming now. You're not coming later, but it didn't start over here. No, she was a great kid till now. Really? Where is she in the family? Number two, how's your older daughter? One above. It's a daughter. Okay. How is that? Oh, she's phenomenal. She was she was the crown prince from the family. She was mama this the older sister. I said, "So, how was this girl supposed to feel like all her life growing up knowing the older kid is always the one helping and always the one getting the she's a different nature. She didn't want to help at home as much as the older kid. She was not looking for her mother's approval. So, that's why she didn't do extra babysitting at home. She didn't do the extra. So, she she always felt that's where it started. So, that's what we're going to fix. We fix the trigger. We don't fix the behavior after the trigger. We can't fix after the behavior. We have to fix the trigger. And most of the times it's not the trigger is some kind of trauma as we said before or it's hypocrisy or anything like that. So unconditional means that we become And this is the shabatone I think is a perfect place. The hilt is in we're coming together. It's not a coincidence. Hashem wants us all over here to be in this room. But we're physical beings. We have feelings. We have emotions. And we and we still need to go home with some ideas. We still need to know how to do things. That's why we came for Shabas. The lababa, the last lababb was a seven-year-old kid before the war. He was walking around over there. I don't know where he lived. And uh there was a lot of fed over there. There was this uh the muskilum had a big in Russia they had a big over there. So this old ye sees this menal walking around with the yamak and he says mendle you make why you walk around with the yamak you make so he says what do you mean it says should go with the yamak he says take it off it'll be my a men answer them why does it matter to hashem if you're the one doing diver or I'm doing diver this is very powerful this is a very selfless statement see this teaches when you do a mitzvah, you don't just do the mitzvah because you want to get of course you're going to get endless. You're doing it because Hashem wants a year to do this mitzvah. Now at this time the whole world the whole world has hanua of the shea and all the the great and lights that it brings down to this world and the that it gives to hashem sometimes we we grow up as such a selfish it's still good we have to how do you motivate the 14-year-old to want to learn you're going to get every minute every it's true but that Every mitzvah you do is in the name of gal. It's a little different teaching selfless. If I have a kip at home, it's not my kip. It's kip. If I'm doing a mitzvah now, it's not only my mitzvah, it's mitzvah. And if I do the opposite, I am harming. As the says, every time we do mitzvah, you should think like the vul is the world could sway this way and that way in every in every deed that we do. It's alluding to this idea to become selfless needs a lifetime of a then Hashem comes to us and he choose handpicked all of us and he says I'll give you a child. Yeah, we'll blame this rabbi. We'll blame that. But lasso you have a kip at home and the only way out the only way out if anybody saw the comic behav that we're going to give you the magic button and coming home you press that button your child is ahi not happening selfless selfless we are from thee gave And the is not my kip is not my kip. My kip is kip. My son that grew up at my daughter that grew up at isalru's child. Everybody is doing a we are. And a is someone that has to be totally selfless. It's not about me. I'm being sent by someone to do a mission. Is it about me? It's not about me. I was sent by someone to do is The only thing is that we're human and sitting in this body that has all kinds of feelings and keeps telling us feel guilty. You should have done this. You would have, could have. And once we go into that trap, then it's my child, my kip, my fault, my neighbor's fault, that one's fault. And if it and if and if it is someone's fault, let Hashem take care of that. We need to know for ourselves that's the Irish skins. How many kids were traumatized and went through every problem in the world and they grew up sadik their parents didn't do anything better than than us. Hashem wanted that child to grow up this way. At the end of the day, if someone grows up a certain way, this is the way they're supposed to be. This is unconditional. Unconditional means that it's not about me. It's about the child and it's not only the every child whatever they need at that moment. It's not about my it's not about my image and it's not about kite. It's not about it's about helping them go through their own journey. I want to end with a they told me show me I should end. I want to end with an interesting story that just happened. Um I was once by Shabaton with uh I spoke by Shabaton by sister to sister and right neighbor was sitting Rabbi Pesron because the speakers were sitting together in a table and I asked him this question. And I was I was quite new. I started it's like 15 years ago whenever it was. And I said, "How is it that speakers always have these stories that happened to them?" And he said, "Take it because you have the mic. Hashem is going to give you stories. Maybe that's Hashem gave me a kip. I don't know. Cli's kip. On the plane the way here yesterday, I took along a little safer on the way. It was, you know, extra time. You can't sleep mish the whole time. And uh I was looking at if you shine a and I see an unbelievable story and the story is and my wife was she woke up and I said I want to share with you unbelievable mass. What's the story? The bashtov went somewhere in the in the woods in the forest. He was walking with his talmmet. I think his name was Mikol. I'm not for sure. Actually, I think Mosha Mik was one of his greatest talid. And they were walking and this Mosha was so thirsty. He was mamish. He couldn't and there was no way to water to be found. There was no cars. There was no no kiosk. There's no no convenience stores by the mish thirsty. So he tells so said to Hashem will help you. So he closed his eyes and said, "I know you could do anything. Even in this desert, in this desolate place, I could you could get me water." And he mamesh felt its mism. He opens up his eye. A guy comes with a big barrel of water and he says, "I'm looking three days for my horses. They ran away and I need to feed. Have you Have you come across them? I I they're probably going they need water." So he said, "No, we didn't see, but I'm so thirsty. Can I have some water? He gave him. So the bashto told him, you see, you have betim. So he was a smart to say one minute. I just had right now. This guy is already running around for 3 days with water. How does that fit in the whole story? He says the knew that you are going to be here at this time. If you would have beten, Hashem would make sure that he should find you. If not, he would walk a different way. Of course, Hashem knows the situations we're going to be in. We could alter the little it really got and that's how they got found. I'm telling the story to my wife and we were talking about different challenges we have now at the moment and we said we're going to try to focus on it. I fall asleep. I wake up. My wife couldn't wait to tell me something. just tears running out down her eyes. I said, "What's the gushain?" Yesterday on the plane, she says, "You don't understand." She's not interested in watching what they have. So, she has a phone. There's no Wi-Fi, nothing, but she has in there all these hundreds and hundreds of sheam. She's she signed up to one of these, you know, these five minute clips that that come in these voice notes from different speakers all around the world. And so, she's scrolling. It's all and she you go into files to my files and you see hundreds of audio files. She goes random. She clicks on one of them. She tells me and she listens and the guy the guy whoever it was that Baldash said exactly this story. What are the odds? I don't know. I'm not a mathematician but probably one in a billion that PK I should read the story. PK minutes later few minutes later she randomly opened up. She corrected me with one detail. is never if it was himself or was someone sent him to go find the horses but it was not. So I told my wife I need to tell the story over here for Shabas. If if if this happened yesterday on the way to I need to share this a secret. He gave us a secret and I saw in the decipher from his I just bought the cipher. It happens to be and his father actually gave out the cipher. That's interesting. I told you sobb writes that his grandfather said every time Hashem wants to send a gazer of Hashem tests him with if he does not or he or she does not lose the gazer cannot penetrate the it cannot come to this person. Therefore, whenever you have an assign mean don't lose your connection your Hashem could send you water being three days in the woods. He could find you. People switch. People do interesting things. I got a phone call from a woman that was two Shabatons back. I remember in Brooklyn husband had a terrible accident and ever since a few of the kids became kips and one of them was one of my talisha for OTD kids almost OTD kids and he was one of my then he totally dropped everything everything went on to weed on to Allah and the mother was she calls me up mamish recently sent me a WhatsApp she says my son said he wants to have a five minute share. Can you find me someone? And she asked me if I could do it. I said absolutely. I learned within 5 minutes a day and if I'm not I'm quite busy. If I can't if I'm not available more, he'll run after me for 5 minutes. Mamesh, how did it happen? I don't know. Phyllis, there's nothing nothing changed in the situation. And this is the day that we're waiting for. and to help it. The best way to bring it is not to wait for it. We're not waiting there to come back the kite. We're here to help them and ease their pain while they're in it. So the help and that's going to help them bring back. Okay. So I'm going to end with this that we should all to pick up the best advice throughout Shabas and we are brothers. We are sisters. We are here to help each other and to be one to another and to appreciate all the all the that Hashem gave us. And hopefully we're not going to have to go back to New York. Mashia is going to come. Our children are going to bring us our packages, our luggage. I get the toughest. You've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by to anytime.com.