KN Toronto - A clear overview on Crisis Chinuch

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com. Shalom and welcome everybody. To me it's a very special evening to come in Toronto and opening the night or speak tonight. I I have found the greatest part of my life I found over here right over here. I found my wife in this town and the school system that she was brought up where did a very good job and our mission tonight is not to come and say the faults and the issues or things that schools need to become better or what schools are not doing right. We're here to enhance and maybe collaborate and integrate to bring up a few a lot of new ideas that are very important. material that we need to have for for the new age. The world is facing a lot of new stuff. I have this to be a family member to be a nephew of the great esteemed chief from Babem. I saw the note that he gave for my speech that was the biggest thing I needed to get felder and the other gave. So I feel very welcoming in this town. I feel that this place is a real montra. It produced very very healthy and beautiful people around the world to be Tranonian. I'm not Trantonian but to be a a son-in-law of the Trantonian family people. My mother-in-law, father-in-law, it's a it's a big honor for me. Wherever I go, I say Toronto, there's always a Toronto connection, right? Do you realize that there's always whenever you travel the world, there's always going to be some Toronto connection. So Toronto has a very good name out there and it's producing very very good good I got kahillas across the board some very ultraides every is amazing place over here my wife always talks about experience rafansky right that was the name she always talks about it's a great place however not and yet the world is throwing at us a lot of curve balls right that's the There's a lot of new challenges are happening around us in the world of and unfortunately a lot of our children are being affected by by the world out there by the all the challenges and it takes for us parents and a lot of adjustments and enhancing and moving forward and constantly reaching out and trying to see what else we could do to enhance our to bring it to a in place that we should have more and more children joining our beautiful Moses and less and less falling out of it. Should make the conveyor belt should be a little wider. It should be able to fit a little more types of cookies. Should be only one type of cookie cutting machine and we we need to expand and create more. And sometimes the best way to learn of how to deal with our challenges is to look at the organizations like Ashi that we're presenting here tonight or many other places that are already dealing with the children that totally fell out of the system that are really living a challenged life every moment of their of the day to listen to them and that somehow to learn to to take out from there some some ideas and some preventative measures that we could put into our schools into our homes that we should have less children going off. Kesha has just two weeks ago was uh when I was there was I think it was the 14th chambers they made. There's over four and a half I think 5,000 couples went in and out through Kasha. So Clison is really dealing with real stuff. There's nobody came because their child is uh you know put on a a green tie. They came because there's something really really serious happening and there are so many thousands of people that don't come for Shabusim because it's very painful. It's very hard to to make it official and to come out there and to uh to join a shabas like that. Obviously whoever comes once comes forever and joins it and really grows. So shabusim is when we learn a lot when we see what's really happening and the way we call it is called crisis. So there's regular and crisis and then a lot in between very extensive gray area. But I'm going to be talking today about crisis enough that we should be able to understand and everybody should see what they could take from crisis model to bring into the regular a little bit of it to help our other kids enjoy yushkai the way yushkite is meant to be because yushkite is something that does not have to be sold. The kite is is is the most amazing thing. As said before, the when a salesman wants to sell a product and they go to stores to sell their product, if it's a good product, they don't need to sell the product. They just need to explain to the store what is the product that I'm selling. And and the store is going to understand he can make money off it. He'll sell it. But if the product is a product, you have to constantly talk how good it is. Yiddish does not have to be sold. Yiddish is truth. Yiddish is in this world in the world to come. We have the most amazing communities in the world with the most comm most amazing nation and the most amazing and and and whatever would ever happen like has to if aided knows what it is there's no reason they should drop it. And if someone leaves the fold and they start behaving in a way that they don't keep the to the way they're supposed to. It's not because has some it's not because of that. It's because they are being hurting. There's pain in them. They're not able to see the guts. When someone is a tooth, they're not very interested in ice cream. Probably not. I don't know the ice cream. I hope you but someone is in pain. When someone is struggling with something, you're not into into different pleasure. they first want to take away your pain. So the first thing is that we believe we understand all the therapists and they're about all the years is clown number one that kite is solid and if someone does not keep shabas the way they're supposed to someone is not keeping the way they're supposed to. It does not come because they made a choice. It comes because they're in pain. They're running away from something. They don't feel included. And it can be various different types of pain which I'll I will I we're going talk enumerate on some different types of causes but nobody goes all the direct because they made a choice 100 years ago there was a school there was masculina there's the enlightenment movement and there's many different movements that came with the class and I I I still think it was pain also but at least they thought they're an apicar they were nobody calls all the d today because they're notic there's no such thing I haven't met someone I've met quite a few people in my life I'm in this line for for many many many years and I deal with boys and now with girls and in school and I I nobody goes off nobody stops keeping yiddish kite because they they became an atheist even if they say they are it's pain they're running away from pain or they have pain from the community or they came from their local sh from their family or they're in a pain their own thing nobody chooses to be bad but you're going to ask me we all went to school we all went to yeshiva we all went the And we learned that every person has a choice. So if a person has a choice, why does my sister or my daughter or my son choose not to keep Shabas or to do something or to go on on technology and different stuff, why why do they choose to do that? So do they have a choice? Do we not have a choice? If you come and tell us, I'm telling you the question that I know that's going to run through your head if you're new to this that we were told that every person has a choice. So what's going on with this person? Why is this person not choosing? And the terrorist is that it's true that every person in the world has bak every person in the world has can make choices in their life from different places. We all have whether has more than one child knows I always say the shiv every child is very very different. One is a great one is a great food. They're very different. Every child you know we we're the same happy for every child that's born. It's like a little gift that's being wrapped many wrapping papers and as they get older another wrapping paper comes up and then the child turns two three ah this kid struggles with jealousy more than the other kids. The other kid struggles with anger the other kids struggle with. So we have bahira in very different places. One person has cast level 20 and the other person is born with cast level 60. So the two people that got in cast that got angry are the same thing. One person is going to be judged more than the other. Only Hashem knows where the real of that person is because we don't know where other people's is. So some people for them to do one thing in the pain that they're in and the the anger that they have the resentment that they have whatever it is that trigger them or that caused them pain for them this could be so every person has a different place where their is but I don't know where your is I only know where my is I know where my choices are. I know where I my difficulties are and I know I share with you you laugh but all of us every person of us it could be how great you are. You have certain things that are very difficult for you to do and for another person it's like a given forgive just move on why keeping grudges no this person struggles with keeping grudges more than the other person and only Hashem could judge who's really working on themselves who's not and who's and how much and where is and so we don't know where other people's is we know people have so if a sibling is struggling or a child is struggling with something to keep in a certain thing maybe that person is going to get is doing that very same thing one time. We all have in different places and when someone is hurt because they went through different pains. They went through school or yeshiva and they felt insignificant. They felt unheard. They felt unnoticed every single day showing up with showing up at school every single day morning to night and feeling like a secondary. or the teacher doesn't look at you or because you're academically out or you have LD learning disability or because you need to deal a little bit and you can't sit in class or because socially you're just not making it in the class or or there are so many things that could happen or someone actually hurt you in different ways hurt you and and bullied you in different places or nobody's nobody's fault your own you have different limitations that Hashem gave you and you go through class day in and day out every single day feels like hours in years for certain kids and they label themselves as failure, failure, failure, failure, failure, failure. And the parents don't know. We don't know about it. We don't know what's cooking in them. We don't know that they're labeling themselves as failures or losers or whatever. They have these very strong words. Sh doesn't care about me. All these thoughts that run through their brain. The re when when do we realize that something is happening? Usually byite we see the couple that starts going smaller or they take all the amic or they get it showing everybody in there levels where they're at or the girls start. So they stop showing off to school. They start waking up late. They're not interested. You need to start working to already that's when we start to realize something happening. But you know what? That's quite late. Yiddesh kite is the last thing that goes over. There's something cooking in there for years and years and years. We didn't see it. We didn't notice it. We only noticed the not going to go and yes showing up and not showing up. But that's when we start to realize, oh, there's an issue. So our approach is that if a child is we're talking about crisis if a child is in that mode going through a very difficult time in the yishkite we know it's an indication it's telling us that this person is in pain this person is going through some major struggle. So we are not going to work first on the on the on the cause on the symptom we're going to work on the cause. So our job is as parents is to first heal the child their emotional their emotional needs. If a child feels insignificant they need to be built up first. The hidd is going to come flying back. We don't work on yushkat in our in our system. Yiddishk does not have to be sold. They grew up in our schools in our places in our homes. They know exactly. They know. They know exactly. We don't need to tell them. If a child starts keeping certain parts of it is an indication something deeper is hurting them. So not for me is not to try to make a deal with a child and try to teach them and try to get them and bribe them. Maybe you should come to shil early maybe you should not maybe do this put on that lish this lish. That's that's not going to work. What we try to do is to figure out the child is in pain. you get them or a therapist or you open up the dialogue with the kid and you're trying to figure out what's really hurting this child but sometimes it's so impossible to get in there and like I'm putting a burden on the parents like you know how do I know you know how do we get to the battle there is a trick there is one trick and this is the trick from kashanashi the trick is that because we don't know most of the times what is it that really actually caused our child to have pain or to feel like a nothing and at to stop functioning in their life in Yiddish and in their gash life. There is one thing that we could do that could most of the time and very deeply heal them and help them heal and that's one word that's called attachment. Healthy attachment to the parents. If a child has a healthy attachment with the parents growing up, but sometimes it wasn't strong enough, you can still do it now. Working on the attachment on the healthy relationship between a father and a mother and their child is the biggest antivirus things. The world could come and sell them and hurt them and embarrass them. My parents believe in me. My parents love me unconditionally. My parents did not judge me. My parents love me and they dream like they think about me. I'm the most important thing in their life. I'm the most important person in their life. This heals a person the fastest and the deepest and the best way possible. So that's what we are preaching. We are preaching attachment next level attachment. So in crisis attachment looks like you do whatever it takes. You don't tell them a word about the Yiddish card. They stop doing certain things. You don't say anything. You just build a healthy relationship with them and you buy them things and you connect to them. But this is only a child that's we call it stage four. or a child that's really really suffering eternally and we need to go into crisis mode but regular mode could also use attachment. Yes, that does not include giving in everything because it's a healthy child. It does include you're allowed to tell your child sometimes some discipline of course we have to discipline our kids the cra that want it a healthy child wants it but we can still advance our attachment that's something that we can learn a regular from the crisis model of trying to build a relationship with each and every one of our children in a very very deep level how do we know it works goes right away back to We have everything in there. Yakini had 12m. We had 12 tribes. Each and every one of them was so different and he was every child was giving them every all of them their own mission. Yasadik was born with a very different nature. He was very into he wanted to look good. He was very into his he made his nice hair. He was very into aesthetics. What did the uncle say? Why aren't you like a hidden? Why can't you be like Shiman? Why can't you be like them? Don't you see? I mean, why could you be like that? Why are you going to be different? Yakab didn't say that. Yakini created a relationship with Ysef through the things that mattered to him. He swed him up a striped shirt or whatever it's called with his own hands. And this is what needed. This is what he gave him. with is the only the only one that they learn it took to because they didn't only learn to they learned only about the galaxy and stars and different things probably they were learning with he was learning this is what he needed he created an attachment with a child and whatever is important to this child in in ways very sadic many years ago After the war the uh the tail I'm sure you all heard of him very very ultra ultra from different world came to America he started all in America and everything else you know su had a distant cousin that passed away and they left a child and then son I don't know exactly how old he was he was sent to a mal orthodox very very left-wing mthodox family in Manhattan I don't know somewhere And after a while that family couldn't keep this boy. So there was he was sent to the sale got into his house a boy that was into sports and into different worlds. He was watching television. What is the television? The said okay this is my mission. Hashem gave me this. What did he do? He called and he said I want you to teach me everything about sports. He went to buy him books about the Yankees. I also don't love sports too much, but the Yankees and the Mets and this and that and how it works and how teamwork that he want to know everything about sports to be able to create a healthy attachment with this boy. He was talking in his language. That boy is a huge he was first in and then it was sad. He had an eat that came to him and he was trying to help us. Our exact details of the story is that he told him that uh yeah I'm I'm very into um American Indian history that that's his what he's into. Okay. A few weeks later and no he asked him a question about something about that. He said I I'll let you know. Now Feld ordered books also through everything about American American Indian history. I'm not so sure what's exactly that but it looks like some people are different things and he became a pro at it and he was able to converse with this guy and to bring him to a place where he where he wanted to bring him and his sky into a better place. It's a lot of story about Fryeld. He he was uh in the yeshiva there was one of the boys that every day was very into his looks very and every day when he walked home from he took off took his took his scuffle and it was a whole thing from yeshiva and a boy every day walking home and there was obviously back and forth and they had to expel the boy two years later he went I don't know where the boating somewhere with his family took whatever it was Fryfield and his name was and his family and the guy that was taking care of the boat said, "Rabbi Fryfield, do you recognize me?" This was that boy. That boy had beautiful long blonde hair and he was very into his hair and he wanted to show it off and started crying said if I would have just tuned in to this boy's needs to this boy's I could have saved him. could have been a Tata from a big family was not himself that he he wasn't able to to zoom in at his needs and this child's needs zoomed into Yatik all the way and then when Yasik had the dream you'll see the whole par again and again and again and again and again even he understood Y needed to be Y and the end of the story towards the end of the story the beginning of our story is where Yseph was given the biggest in the world that a man could have. And tell us what was able to withstand the boy that was into aesthetics into looks into beauty into worldly things that he was able to be with Fatifa. That whole story we all know the details the only thing that kept him being in his rhyme after so many years in prison and belittled and everything so took he saw his father's face he couldn't do that the attachment the love the relationship between him and his father was so strong and so deep known as the world was ever able to get to stop doing that fall the world is very colorful out there. It's fake colors. It seems you just kind of seem black and white. What is black or white? That's not so colorful. But if a child has a real healthy strong attachment, the father, the mother, then even the come along the way, there's they're able to pass. And this is something that we are seeing that works. And then when you have a child back to crisis, you have a child that is already in crisis. The only way to bring them back is not to set any boundaries. Remember I talk about crisis. No boundaries, nothing. Just attachment. We first want to heal this child. That's all. Come back. You'll see we'll come back. The problem is when we go the other way, the children feel disconnected and they're never going to connect to Hashem again after themselves. I had a boy I want to share with you a very sad story. I had a boy in my came to me. I used to have like a my like for the boys Thursday nights and the boy came to me. He came from a very very ultra closed family but ultra and his father threw him out of the house. His parents threw him out of the house because he put on jeans or whatever it was and they did not handle him. Kesha didn't exist yet and they felt they're doing the right thing. They didn't want to ruin the other kids and they didn't want this or that. They kicked him out of the house. He came to me. I was very cared to s you know and all kind whatever I was able to do. This boy got a job and he's worked in a construction company. In the construction company he was, you know, they were working. One day he used a circle saw to cut with a loyal line of lawyer and he cut off most of his arm. He was hanging on a I remember the story. He was med with a helicopter. Munchie went crazy. He's staying at the hospital. He had seven surgeries. One day I got a phone call from him a few weeks later. I said he used to like how are you? Like so excited. He called me. He said I want to come to your house. I want to talk to you. I said sure. He comes to my house with a huge body cast. His hand was like that. He was white. And that's how he came in. He couldn't even walk. And I said, I said, I could come to you. I could call Lizzy. No, I just want to come here and tell you one thing. He says, you remember I told you about my father. When I woke up after second or third surgery, my father was by my bed 24/7 making sure that I have the best care, the best doctors, the best everything. I couldn't believe how much my father loves me. It pays for me to come off my arm to know how much my parents love me. How much? That's what he told me. We love our kids. in love. They don't feel it sometimes. It's not us. It's them. They don't feel it. They don't know it. They don't. Now, our kids, we need to say it. We need to say it. We need to connect to them. And then back to Christ. And when they have a child that's already doing things that are not good, you know, when a child does something, they embarrass him. to do something that's not it's it's very painful for us pains to to face the world and to walk in the street with our child. I'm not going to hide this. I had my own daughter was going through her stages being a little better than she started going through a very hard stage and I remember the first time it happened very suddenly a few bad whatever she wanted and I people know me a little bit she like I'm not just I'm walking into evergreen I know what evergreen is in this famous store in Mari and I'm walking down the aisles with this with this girl dressed It was very painful for me. And I was telling myself, hey, practice what you preach. And I was good. I didn't say a word, a word. I got into the car and my daughter tells me, Tati, I am so sorry for the pain that I'm causing. I'm so sorry. I know it's very hard for you. People know you the whole story. I saw people looking I told my daughter in very very strong words. I said, "You did not cause me any pain. You are in pain. If you're going through a certain stage in your life, it's okay. If I had pain, it's my choice if this should bother me or not. It's my choice. It's my my problem. You're not doing it to spite me. And you know what she told me? She says, "That is so right. Of course, I'm also in pain. I'm like this. I can't resist this. It's just whatever it is. We don't need to tell a kid that's a kid in crisis, we don't need to tell them what they're doing wrong. They know it. They live by us. The girl in our schools, they know exactly how a girl is supposed to look like and boy is supposed to look like. They know. We don't need to tell them. We don't need to like someone stab with a knife, he's still turning it. We don't need to turn it. They're living with it. This is something that we are trying to convey the message of the ones that are already dealing with these kind of kids. Obviously, the question is if my kid is not all there yet, not totally in crisis mode, what do I do? Do I do regular? half and half. That's a a very individual question. It's not something that can be preached, but at least listen to the ideas of how we train, but you need to make your own and your parents and you can make your own decision. Certain kids, you feel they're not totally there yet and you want to push the phone a little bit. Of course, try. Not saying to always give in. Of course not. But some kids are in a state if you would tell them one piece of muser, they will harm themselves. Thousands of kids are harming themselves, cutting themselves. Many of you know what I'm talking about. And if you don't thank Hashem that you don't know, a lot of kids don't want to live anymore or they they they hurt themselves because they're in such pain and the parents don't even know. It's a big risk to tell a child that's in that stage in the stage of of of real crisis stage four the way we call it to say even one word of mus but if a kid is not all there a kid is somewhere of course you need to have cycle you can't just I have to say this clear because just a few months ago I was in Manchester together with my wife she was supposed to be here today also there was she had to go go home to New York last night. But really, she was supposed to be here to share. So I went together with her. We went to Manchester. It was the second year in a row we went I went myself two years ago. This year she came with me. And also we were also sadikim like you that came come want to listen want to understand what crisis is all about. And I remembered that Shabas I had to clarify a lot of things because people confused Christ and that's why I'm trying that's why I'm saying it again and again in different ways to understand that when we talk about we're talking about crisis where even if there's a doubt that your child might might do self harm go into crisis mode because to keep them alive is first and then to start working on them to be functioning. Some of you know I have a school in Miy together with my wife year year and a half ago. We're we're in the trenches. We're out there. We're we're dealing with these kids. So many of these kids, the parents have no idea what they they would never tell us. They'll tell the they'll tell my staff. It's amazing. That's how kids are. They come on, they're macho, they're all good, but you never know what's going on with them. So, you really need to know if you can make some rules and boundaries with a kid or not. When in doubt, go one step down, a little step down, not total freedom, a little step down, then one step up. Because if you push one step up, and the child can't handle it, they're not going to listen to you the next steps anyway. So, we need to really know where our kids off to. crisis is a gift. It's a was worked out after so many years with so many different professions that supported this mahalik when we're dealing with a child that that might hurt themselves just no boundaries. There's a one of the greatest in the dynasties in the top of the pyramid right after was this lot of magic mag's son writes in the used to call everybody saddic. People think it's a new thing today but also don't know where them here is. So he called everybody and there was one e that was a known bal and and and and this is called so this this very proper person met said how dare you call him sadic he's saying sheer the t says you're not allowed to lie how can you call this person saddic everybody knows he's not a saddic lag says when you learn a piece of rashi and you don't understand rashi You say Rashi didn't know what he's saying. They say I don't understand Rashid. I need to learn it again and again but Rashi meant to say you learn a piece of you going to say doesn't know what he's saying. You're going to say let me learn again. And if the says something, are you going to say the or you say I don't understand that? Then to says then to says that every single is a I don't understand every so to me every is a so I don't lie. He's a talic. How do you buy first he also had a child that really struggles a real crisis kind of child. He was always out of the house. It's known that he used to sit by the tish and all the many left said how can he have the uh you know we all the kid he didn't care it was always mar was always connected at the end the end of his life he achieve he became healthy so that's why he started keeping the mitz the way you're supposed to so the whenever he made kish before he made k to look around he didn't want to be a a bulga that is standing here and all the see them around. He used to think this person is more than me. this person does more than idol. this person he used to think in his head on everybody that everybody's is methodic and more than him in a different place and that's how he made kdish till one day there was a a came also and he was struggling and they don't make kdish until he in his brain he was trying and then he turned to one of his sons and we were standing tell me about the seed and one good thing I can't make kesh I I need to know one good thing that this person does that was a very very shy he said like okay he Kdesh said what did he do? What was he? He said I thought very simple. If I would have his parents, his life, his friends, his neighbors, his nature, I would probably look worse than him. I probably wouldn't even go to show. So if I would be in everything what he went through in his life, I would look worse than him. So he must be a child. That's why he was able to. And that's what he told Kalisu that if you would really know what that person is struggling, you would really know where their personal dishes are and the harshest and they were bullied and hurt and whatever they went through or stoming their own self, their own self bashing, whatever. It's not always a blame someone else. It could be your own. If you wouldn't be in their shoes, you would probably look a little different. So that's how you can be the everybody. It was a he didn't know but knew to understand that a person for this person is this he for him this is his struggle and he's still doing it there was a very twice my grandfather took me to my father and grandma took me to him had the hidden that came crying and I said my son is off the d totally totally totally not keeping anything he's crying in those I said the rebu said calling to me maybe he comes home he tells us the is calling you he said listen is always nice to you I understand he convinced them he comes into their and he says before you start talking to me I just want to tell you that I am a sham you still want to talk to me says said, "Really? You're Mahal Shabas?" No, what do you do? What do you do to be Mahal Shabas? So, what do you mean I smoke? Smoke a Shabas? He says, "Really? You smoke a Shabas?" How many cigarettes do you smoke in a 24-hour period approximately? Let's say he said 10. 10 cigarettes. How long does it take you to smoke a cigarette? I don't know, 5 minutes, 3 minutes. He said, "Ah, so an hour from every Shabas that means that you're keeping 23 hours shabas. It's amazing. And that's how he left him off. He didn't tell him this. You lost the whole show. Not all or nothing. So 23 hours he kept Shabas. This boy went home and he made smoke a whole cigarette less. And now he's a regular and he going around saying the story however saved him. There's a beautiful story of this about him. My aunt and my above I need to say about this story is known he came to America. This is a very known story but we need to hear it a thousand times. He he was the first in the east in Manhattan. He did have minion in the beginning right after the war there was collecting minion and then his son was just trying to bring him and there was no minion. It was late and they needed one more person and there was so said ask every guy are you a Jew like are you a Jew? And one guy said yes I'm a Jew. says come in say I don't d anymore just stand here for a minute there's a ram over here he wants men stand people come down he came I think there's more details of the story I know all the details he was there wasn't before the war he said that he dropped kite the holocaust he didn't want to know anymore next week came again they looking for minion this and that looking up for him they couldn't find him and said go out and find and they find the same person again they bring in they said a guy okay fine I'll go it's the last time I'm coming here you guys I don't keep shabas I'm not interested in nothing a few weeks later there was more Eden started coming to America so bangu had enough minion and he said I'm not starting to die when I thought of bringing that Eid again if he came in here I need to bring him in and they said come on it's embarrassing for the you're going to bring such a they don't care I wanted to be they couldn't find it they went all the way up to the corner there's a park and in the park They see him smoking on Shabas. So they love that scene. Whoever born they kept the he smokes in public. He's he's not part of our we don't need him for anymore. Said I still want him to bring him bring him to come said and he smoke said he doesn't smoke Hitler is smoking. This is the model of Keshi. Nobody smokes shams. It's their pain. It's their own Hitler, their own whatever it is, their own demon. The old fears of worries. We don't know what's in their heads. Every Yid wants to keep the tit of in our DNA. It's it's it's so what for it not what who wants to give up and someone is struggling with it establish the hit in them there's something in them it's not good like one of the said one person that smokes one cigarette in Shabas this is going to be his entrance to Gan and one person that smokes all cigarettes in be this is going to be the ent smoke 20 cigarettes Shabas went down and down and waited the whole shab was not to smoke in the last minute took one cigarette. You know how this person has he worked on himself. He only smoked one cigarette that said his gay is coming right over there. But the person that didn't have the struggle but we don't know what's in other people. We don't know what they struggled. We don't know what's in their head. We don't know what they're going through. So we need to give we need to understand that our kids that are not functioning is could be because they're it just it's just not working for that for me. And I want to say something is it might be cliche to you but we believe I believe and people that that are involved in this crisis co created massive issues which is so unknown to us at the moment it's scary. I said it. Yes. Scary. A lot of kids that were in the year of learning am that was the year of co. Now they're in shall they're not functioning. They're not the kids that were kid that were supposed to learn alabase are struggling now with alabase. And how many kids got exposed to to to get used to screens and to and and and not socializing for a year. I think Toronto is a little tougher in New York. We found the loophole. We always find a little but still it was very tough. I'm telling we don't co literally did a lot of damage between and our kids. You could be the best parents in the world that something happened. There's and they saw us. We were worried. They feel it. Kids know. They felt weakness on the parents. They felt weakness on the community. They felt lost. But we felt you remember those few weeks when the flu came and every five minutes another person died and it was we didn't even talk about it yet. It's like after the Holocaust took 50 years for them to talk about it. I think five years from now we're going to start helping that we lived in the time of of epidemic of a pandemic. We don't help yet. You say here we're not helping yet. We lived in the most crazy time since since the World War II till today. It's just unbearable. We lived it was like woke up with masked little kids not seeing their parents smile. not saying we don't have I'm still trying to to figure it out but I know that 5 years I'll have much more clarity we all going to have like what really happened it created weaker kids it created our kids are much more sensitive than the old kids we need to take this into the into it's part of the equation we need to take it part of the account of once really causing problems and the goas the go were never so low like ever so low like that today. It's seeping in. If we want it, if we don't want, we're living in that. It's it's we're our kids are fighting. They're in the front lines in the front row. All they need is they're so fragile inside. All they need is one rabbit to ignore that kid. I'm not even saying bullying a kid or a parent that's busy, you know, doing one thing and then the other kids feels neglected and they didn't get hurt. We don't again we're not supposed to beat ourselves up and do the best we can but at least we should understand that not to beat ourselves not saying we carry enough good parents the goal is not to feel ah I could do more no the goal is to understand if a child is struggling and they're in crisis understand them that's all I'm saying but I'm not adding on to us more and more we're doing enough we're amazing But the kids are really really struggling internally and they have certain things and they're very very sensitive. And usually the kids that are sensitive are the ones that fall out of the system much quicker than the other ones. The ones that take things very serious. The ones that feel guilty for every value they do. They're the ones that run. They can't handle it. They in their brain they bash themselves. I must be bal again and that whatever it is are boys with their things and and and and they just leave. The kids that don't care, it's easy for them to stay in the system. They say, "Okay, fine. Tomorrow will be better." But the kids that that that's father physique that wants to be better and that's that's the kid usually that that can't handle the burden. It's too tough for them. So, we're going back to the word attachment. Attachment is that we understand every child in their level wherever they are if they're a regular kids regular healthy kid if it's a kid that's totally into the crisis crisis mode or anywhere in between is to create a healthy attachment that is number one so if there's a shal in your head should I do this should I not should I put down a boundary should I not put down a boundary should I say something ask yourself is this going to bring me closer to my child or distance me from the child. That's the barometer. That's the way to gauge. If this new rule that I'm going to do in my house, if whatever I'm going to do is going to bring my child in a healthier state of mind, is it going to be a healthy attachment to me or it's going to distance my child from me? A distant child is definitely not going to be can't. We're not healthy have to be. The Torah was just given to us a few days ago when say every sick person got healed. Hashem healed every Hashem emotionally, physically, he even put flowers. He gave us everything humans need to feel good. And then he gave us the you know how healthy a person has to be to be a functioning. So, we could do this. It's not such a hard thing. You just it's it's it's a it's a decision. It's a it's you notice that you put into your head. I need to make where's my attachment with this kid? Where's my attachment with that kid? Where's my attachment? Is it a healthy attachment or not? Is this kid going to feel open to come to confide in me or not? Or at least to reach out for help? If not, your attachment is not in a good place. And if you want your child that's already struggling and you were very busy with their geskite, they feel even more hurt. They say, "Ah, they only you only give me that the image, the gas, the streets to see that our family is almost stable and our family looks this way and dresses that way and and you and and I have a good child." The kids feel and they smell it in a second. But when you worry more for their emotional needs, they'll accept from you the spirit the spiritualness also. A child needs to we all need it. We need to feel cared for in order to to to that we should be able to accept from our parents different things. If we don't feel cared for, you could come and preach to us about industry and all the we're not going to accept it. It's not going to work. So if a child is already in crisis, the only thing you need to work on your head is your attachment to the child and to whatever they need. If they're into sports, you talk to them sports. If they're into the locks, you help them with that lock. You do what cycle is. It's very hard. I'm talking very very general. Obviously, every every person has to use their own cycle and their own story to discuss everything. Obviously, I'm giving the general basis of this mahal of how it works and what's needed and what's important. Should I go to questions or should Okay. Okay. Okay, I'm just going to continue a few more minutes on other points and then and then we'll get to question. See I want to talk a little bit about a lot of the families over here a lot of people in the whole world they call this you know we have one child that's in crisis the other child is a regular normative how do we balance it and what is what is considered regular like how how does it work how does how does normative work what what's something that we could do what's the regular idea and how do we deal But when you have one child like this and one child like that there's a story the whole city I say story the Talmud that told that that once from the he asked the shay why is mashia not coming in those years it was looks like so he was told I don't know how to ask whatif them their ways and he was told that they're not but they have a rabbit we say all the shields we're not in other words that we don't d enough to connect to to the to so the told us said that people don't understand the story that's not what said obviously that's fas of any part we don't exaggerate we don't extend ourselves enough when it comes to giving extensive love to and to our children and to everybody else is the only way he said before started 300 years ago until very soon the only way that really is effective that works is only Of course we have to have some and little kids need to have a little more obviously of course also talk about but very very little. They talk much more about a is expansive expansive it's it's more it's it's the best way to be it's the only thing that's effective. Regular means that your child feels such love for you that when you discipline your child and your child is afraid or scared to do something against your wish, your your your command that you gave them. Not that scared that you're going to punish them. Year that they have a fear of punishment. Year is they have a fear of losing dah. That's what era is. The only thing that's left inem nowadays tells the isra of losing of making ourem a little bit less. I'm going to lose my hashem by doing the I don't want to do it. That's fair of not fear of punishments. Regular means that you have such a healthy attachment, such a so connected to all your kids and they know that they are your number one priority and you care them for them and you love them immensely that when you discipline them a healthy kid, you should discipline them. Obviously, the only thing that's going to kid of course you could oh my parents are going to be upset at me. I don't want them to be hurt. I don't want to be upset. We're such a good relation. I want I want to keep it. That's ya. There's only ya we can have a unhealthy child, a crisis of kid, a kid that's emotionally very hurt. You can't bring even that year. Just love them even whatever it takes. Just it's like it's like emergency. It's like the CPR crisis CPR regular is of course there should be rules. There's another beautiful word that I'm thinking of said that right all of this if you if you store away a stick you hate your child so you can be touched that you have to have a stick at home. So baba said, "No, if you put away your your w that's the right word, you're going to have to end up using it and that's why you hate your child. So you need to have some eural. You need to have some rules and discipline in your house and some fear of punishment. So you should never have to use it." That's what it means. But because he said if you don't have it, you'll have to end up using it. have the stick. They're not going to physically stick hanging in your wall. It means have your rules. Child know that you could talk about healthy kids that you could punish them today. You won't have to because they have the share ready and they'll try to behave. So when you have at home a kid that's a crisis mode, crisis mode, real crisis mode, and then other kids at home, how do you balance it? You know what's going to happen? Your other kids at home are going to be very very uh judgmental or not understanding what you're doing, why you giving it to that child, the sister that's not only the sister is not dressed, you're still buying her her her coat and whatever whatever she likes and this and that and suddenly you still take them out on parks and drawings and you're creating. So the other kids it hurts them and they they start feeling like what's with us. So before I'm going to say what to what to actually do with the other kids, I'm going to tell you what not to do is not the last and one before. It's a very painful story. Someone told me that there's a couple that came to discuss something and then she said her parents threw out her older sibling. I don't remember it was a brother or sister from the house years ago because the child was was off the D. We don't call it off the D, right? We call it kid in pain or crisis kid, kid in struggle. Nobody goes off the D in Spain. So she told me that she developed such a fear that her parents are also going to throw her out. She has the younger sister. Every single she she developed OCD, a very extreme OCD in school. She used to learn extra and make sure she always gets 100 on every test. Whatever she became a people pleaser. Whatever her parents asked her, she always did. She always made sure that she's calm in the family. She shouldered everything. She turned into a zombie. She was so scared that she's also going to be thrown up on them. If you're not good, you out of the house. Neb. This was cooking in her head and her parents had no clue. They didn't do any good by throwing out the other kids. Then she went off a few months after a wedding. That's when it happened. So there's another victim of our husband. He stuck it out therapy. It's amazing. If a sibling feels that only if I behave and only if I'm Yiddish and only if I'm dressing a certain way and only for function then this place is safe. The safest place a person needs to house but now it's not a safe place. They don't feel safe. They're not going to be functioning. They're definitely not going to be perfect. So by throwing out another kid does not help. And then I had another boy told me okay so many story I don't remember. Mother boy told me that he used to always think they threw out his older brother and he said, "My brother is ready to give up the home and not come back home because he loves the street so much. I also want to go there." And he ended up there. One of the boys that I dealt with was fears. He told me because they kicked him out, I want I also wanted to see the colorful life out there. So if there's a child in the family that's going through a struggle, it's a gazer for the whole family and the parents ask me to deal with it and the siblings also and I'll tell you how the siblings would strive while having such a sibling. But I'm going to change the words. It's not a gaze on all of us. Mark down these words. In every challenge, there's an opportunity. Every single challenge that comes your way, there's an opportunity of self-growth or for working on mid or if a child comes home and talks about where is Hashem, it's a great opportunity to talk to the other kids about and every challenge that comes into our house. Yes, there's a challenge, but there's a great opportunity to create a conversation to create the to to create closer relation with the other kids and talk to them how beautiful the issue all the others. There's always something good in every crisis we go through. In every crisis and there's a crisis in the family that one of the kids or two of the kids are going into very turbulent times, it's very painful. I know it. But there's a lot of opportunities right over there. You could work on your marriage a little more. You can work on your relationship with your other kids. It wakes you up. Hey, I need to do attachment with my other kids. Uh oh, there's something I need to do. Maybe I didn't have enough healthy attachment with my child. Maybe I need to create a more hava. Maybe I need to create a better relationship with my other kids. So, there's a great opportunity in this challenges. Getting rid of a child that's struggling does not help the other kids, does not? It creates chaos. The other kids get very shaken. It does not work. So, what do we do? We help we tell the other kids. We create communication with the other kids one by one not all of them together. One child separate on the other sibling and the other sibling and we tell them you know we're struggling with the sister of yours that brother of yours doesn't want to go to downwards high level low whichever level they're in. It's not because this child wants to be bad. There's something bothering him. I don't know what it is. Sometimes he do know, sometimes he don't know. So, we are trying to be macar this kid and we're doing extra love. We want to heal them. The guy will come back. We first trying to help this kid get out of their pain, get out of their confusion or whatever they're in. And you do not need to carry the responsibility for your sister, for your brother. Me and Tati, the parents, we are the ones that are responsible for our childhood struggling. But you could help us. You can have a you can help us out a little bit by being nice to that sibling and understanding your parents when they do something extra for the crisis kid that then don't don't be so jealous to understand that this kid needs a little extra. You know, I'm not aka but Kabad has taught me something amazing. You have people that are living in Wyoming and Mississippi in the Amazon River and living in Indonesia and even in Greenland. A friend of mine was my secretary actually was in Greenland. How do they keep their kids from? They don't have a bigger percentage than the average than the other the other of drama. They don't I don't know the exact numbers but they don't have a bigger percentage of dropouts. Their kids are growing up between the lowest places in the world. I don't think that is that much better than I don't think so. I don't think so. You know what's helping them? When a person is being given a a mission a job to become the influencer, you cannot become influenced. It's either or. If your child comes with you in the airport and he say let's put him on film he tells no look at him he said your children are growing up of giving y not only they're not going to get influence from these gy they're going to become better yen and nobody can tell me this is not truth I've seen it a million times we all have seen we know this is mis in the 1970s there was a a uh one of the Israeli army there was a crew and And the Kabaskki guy wanted to join that that group in the army and the the the call the general they said not in my group no Kabaskk is coming to my group and the guy involved him said but what do you care if kabaska joins the group he said they don't understand last time the whole group became such a couldn't handle it and I'm thinking to myself one second my child to made into other people. To me, if he joins the army, would he make other people from? Would he remain from or the other way around? The kabas was told all his life that you have to give. You have to give and other kids in our house. If you tell them again, you have to say a million times, you're not responsible, but you could help us be a car of this kid. Your sibling is in pain. Your sibling is going through confusion. Just be nice to them. Not only your child is not going to become influenced from the from the garbage. Your child is going to become a mashia. I have proof my own husband. I'm the son of a 12-year-old son. He was very disturbed when his sister started going through her trouble and times. I had I gave him a lot of time and I spoke to him a lot of conversations and he need to understand and give him he can know a little bit a little you know you need a justice and I explained to him why we're doing certain things he understood it and I told him you could help tell your mommy about just being nicer you don't have not your job to just just tell her whatever whatever just shas she didn't want to come down to me and okay so start making this beginning of times when started it was still still painful but it was very hard for us that she didn't join the meal she not in our room hopefully she wasn't doing too much there after the meal we walk upstairs to see that we go to our room and we see on the floor by her door her door is the next door from our room and we see a tray on the floor a beautiful tray with the fish the kalos the chicken soup the chicken napkins doilies and cutlery a beautiful, beautiful set. And I told my wife, "Did you did you prepare? Did you?" She said, "No, I didn't." And then I went to ask my my 12-year-old boy. I said, "Yeah, I did it because I felt she's going to wake up soon. She's going to be hungry." So, I wanted to tell her the sh You think he's going to get influenced by that soon? Maybe you should just know how good she felt the next day. She told us, she didn't know that we saw it. She told us she felt so good, so healing for her. She knows she's causing pain for a younger brother. She knows. Our kids know. They know when they're doing something different. They just can't resist. It's just too painful for them. There's something in them that's driving them to do it and they can't resist it. So that's why they're doing good. But really, they want to be good. And she feels bad for her younger sibling. And her younger sibling goes and prepares a tray. this heal there. I don't know how many layers. The influencer does not get influenced. Don't worry about your other kids. There's nothing you do anyway. This is their challenge and this is their opportunity. And a lot of kids grew up in homes where there were siblings like this and grow up to be the biggest one being. And sometimes you see our other kids is also going down a slippery slope starting to and asking questions. was with me or that kid dying. Why do I have to be the goody goodie? You know what? That other kid also has some mission to do in the world. It's nothing to do because you're keeping that kid. You didn't choose nothing, did you? We didn't choose this. None of us. Hashem gave it to us. He put it right on out to our doorstep. So that means he also gave it to the other kid and he'll say, "And sometimes there's a few kids in the family. It's very very grateful. I'm not saying it lightly. I'm learning it." But you know what? So what's the other option? That's the other option. And whenever families threw out one kid and another kid and didn't accept them and didn't give them extra loving, the families went down the drain much quicker in much different ways. This is a a challenge that a family meets together and work together. And again, I can't in this short time, but if you can, you should go online to to to anytime I want to do a shout out to her anytime. They recording sheep all around the world. Her amazing. I was just at the show two weeks ago and they were there recording the sh unbelievable. You go online, turn in type of time. Go to the sh and listen and listen together. If you don't go do it online, you can do it on the phone. You could listen together. Husband and wives try to to listen to the same lectures. You should both be on the same page. Going through a challenge like this is very very painful if you go through it alone. And and and in in regular decisions like it's difficulty in hospital, right? But you know what? when we gave the chance like this or we could grow apart or we could grow together and there's a lot of lectures on this very topic that I gave and other people gave on kesha to anytime listen to the sh together grow together learn how to work through your differences and understanding what the right step to do with the child now and everything else it's so important to be on the same page and work through this whole thing together so I I guess I'm going to go to questions yeah question sent to me over here. Hopefully it's not. What is the criteria to get child into the high school? Vyard asking you about my school. My school is called Vy New York. And uh what's the criteria to go in there? You have to be uh you have to be on social media. Serious. I will not take an Olympic. hand to me on the floor. I will help you get up there. Not but whoever wants to know could ask me if but that's basically what it is. Okay. What about helping them around daytoday living getting up doing meaningful things? It's very help and not when it crisis it is not good for them to lie around. Oh, so someone's asking about one of the other kids while while the crisis kids is home. Is that the question? I'm sorry. I can I read it? How about the other one? I'm sorry. It's not whoever wrote it. I I I don't read. So, it's scripted. Is it wise to fill in the gaps for people who are trying to give advice or offer tips as to the pain going out and especially when the child looks relatively mature? I'm assuming that you're asking that if a a child that from the outside looks like a regular healthy functioning kid but really you know the child is going through certain pains and other people judge you or judge your child's status especially when the child looks relatively show I don't know I I guess the question is what you should share what you shouldn't chair. I'm sorry, a little understanding the question. I'm trying to to understand what a frant is too much time in his room. What does it mean? A red flag. Definitely a red flag around you with all shots in there. It's it's it's a very it's a you see a child that's not in crisis yet or child that's starting to to to question their life with the struggle starting to so obviously they're spending a lot of time in their room. So that that's a very perfect time to start creating a better relationship with your child and I believe in making appointments. You should make an appointment with your child and say it's not the goal of my day or daughter. I would like to have with your conversation and you know maybe go out tonight maybe take them out tomorrow you take them on a walk you take him to a park it has to be by appointment when you want to talk something heavier don't just be by the way while in the middle of cooking or you know on the way to shovel you ask a child if you make it an official conversation you say my dear child you are in your room too much tell me what's going on is there something that I need to know is there something that I can help you with uh it's an invitation every time a child does something. Whenever there's a red flag or a question mark, it's an invitation for us to create a better attachment and create a better a more a better relationship. We should really know what's going on in the life and say if you don't want to talk to me, can I can I get you someone to talk to, but we're here for you. We're not going to judge you and and we really want to help you there. There must be something going. That's the best you could do. How to keep a child in crisis to function not because it is not really for a child not to do anything not hell virtue okay crisis when they're in crisis I I need to reiterate crisis means when the child is in crisis that means that they're not functioning in their personal life and not functioning. It's never just the kite. I I hardly met someone that is only in crisis. They function at the good jobs. I deal with these boys and these girls. They're all struggling and they're all getting in, you know, the boys are speeding. They get in trouble with the law. They sleep all day all night. They don't eat normal. They don't have social life. They're on their phones. The rooms too long. They're not functioning people. I haven't found like maybe one out of a thousand. That's that's that's Christ. No, then it's not Christ. condition, which usually is something more, but fine. You could argue, you could you could say, "Okay, maybe this kid is an exception." But 99% of the time, a kid that's struggling with Jesus Christ is struggling with other things. And if that's the case, they're not functioning. And if they're not functioning, it's it's some sometimes this is what they need to go through. Sometimes they need to go through a year or two or more of just being lazy and being in their bed and on their phone and their nose and the whole day look bad like like des like stuck and sending selfies and pictures every 5 seconds of everything they eat. You know that imagine okay can that their life so sometimes we give them all the love all the acceptance of Christ all the love all the acceptance you you do whatever you can and then you wait out and you do a lot of the old fashioned works and you say you know you put a quote and you ask Hashem that that this this craziness should pass faster and sooner that but but sometimes kids need to go through all the stages in order to they need to hit rock bottom most of them before they're able to go back up. Sometimes we're trying to control the kid that's that's that's almost there, but they're trying to control and send people and do whatever he can and the kid shouldn't hit Rakbar. Then they're in that place forever because they always think that there's something more. They didn't try it. Sometimes this is the time do it now. Lucky do lucky head in the wall. Lucky on the floor and they get so bored and then they come out to help me. I need to find a job. I want to start settling. It happens eventually. But trying to control them, manipulate them that they shouldn't hit rock bottom is sometimes this is a very general statement obviously. Obviously what about helping? Oh this one is anybody's got a question you can ask him. It's easier for me to read the handwriting. Okay. It's the it's the attachment that is missing is because a parent has issues such as an inability to show to show emotions probably or an unhealthy Okay. Can you read Can the last two lines please? We need a typewriter. Something just feel the same question or I think the idea is when you just need attachment but we miss a parent has issues like there's no faction with you. Oh, if there's no affection or a connection from the parents, is there any way to do you know attachment and connection is something that's needed in the language that's used in the is you should love Hashem. That's the word. It's a feelings. Not only physically doing a thing, doing a mit, putting out doing something. Of course, that's there there's the emotions that's required in a way you're emotionally helping. You're not helping another doctor. You come the person feels emotionally better. So many mitzvah are based on emotions. And we say the other way around loves us. He chooses us with love. So obviously feelings the a voice or the in voice okay we talked before what about the is but feelings is something that has to be there and if a child doesn't feel connected and attached to parents then they have an issue connecting to their one and one they are missing that because they don't know how it feels like they don't know what a protector means I I'll give you example imagine a kid grows up in a town where there's only women single women or the almun or the divorce whatever his kids growing up but only seeing mothers in a country only mothers no men this kid gets 12 13 years old he starts learning the ding he starts saying like a father what does father mean what does father do exactly so then he goes out they tell the other towns there's men that look like you they're men and there's a father and the father protects his kids he cares for his wife he cares for his He's the he's the provider. He's the father and the punishment is the same way to you. Anybody do something wrong, your father say, you know what, I'll give him this time. My relation to you is more important. I'm here for you. I'm protecting you. And if another kid hurts you, you run to the father. The father protects you, which I had to do yesterday. Someone hit my son. I had to go over. So then a child that grows up that never saw what the death and never felt what it means being protected by someone how could he use the phrasei in his trailer doesn't mean anything to him or if someone was betrayed by a father or father figure a manal or mo someone that a father figure in their life that betrayed them or was hypocritic for different things they have initial kind it's not in their brain like they make calculation in their subconscious something is so sashm is not doesn't love me anymore because I just did an on a vera but if you had a father that a father and mother that loved you at the kids then then you're able to use the phrase aini ai what does a mean to them a if a child never felt what a father means a father goes even I'm wrong even dressing a different way even if I don't go to school even if I embarrass him he's still here for me if he doesn't feel that from you why should think that he'll ever feel it from hashem He connects. It's the same god. It's the same t you could even bring it to the next level. How about me, our king? Imagine there would never be a king in this world. It would always be from day one. There would always be democracy. Nobody ever had all the power in the world. Would we use the words? It wouldn't exist. It wouldn't be such a word. It wouldn't such a concept. So, what would we use? We use a different phrase of A son is not a man who's not a father. That's the closest that we can understand what a protector of unconditional love means. Unconditional protection unconditional love. But if we don't have that in from a never existed so we don't use that. So and his father what is to me? So he'll use I don't know he'll use different words to say the police officer of he'll use a muscle the closest to understand what it means. So if a child for some reason feels that his father or his mother want him here to protect them not to your fault whatever happened you are going to rewrite in their subconscious what it means to be a father or a mother you love your child even when they hurt you even when they embarrass you in public even if they don't dress the way you want you still love them then they could connect oh they're same with me oh I get it there is such a concept They know how how it feels being cuddled in in the protection from parents. So if they didn't get it till now or it was punctured by some reason by abuser or bullies or whatever happened to their life, I don't know what you can still rewrite it right now. So that's why we're doing healthy attachment, extra attachment, extra love and extra connection to show my son I am always here for you regardless what you are doing to me or what you're doing to yourself. I'm a parent. You got I'm almost going to like my finger even if I have that splinter. It's being a part of me. You're my child. And when a child feels that they get healed that heals a child and then when they get feel that then their brain so soon later is going to start doing the same connection to their bachel. The same connection. A lot of kids went through betrayals from from their other fathers their maku. They spend more time with the machir and yeshiva and they're right behind them with their father right again. I want to tell you something. I remember it's not nice to say but this came to my mind. I I was in and Michael that. So we were told there's a there's a restaurant across the street a bagel store that should not walk in there. this women that this this that goes to the restaurant when she gave a hold we shouldn't go in few days later I look out of the window and I see him walking into that restaurant I can't tell you what that did to me didn't change that was not my struggle but I remember I felt like something torn me he probably didn't mean anything bad that if he would have just explained that he's married to for boys like fine mind brain that was and a lot of kids have seen a lot of hypocrisy on them. They're being told that this person he should look up to and then that same person is fighting with his brother. This this ticks them off. Their protector, their God, their the person that they look up to is not it's not like in their brain they make it count. Something in them loses the trust in a in an overall protector. So they can't connect Hashem either. It's the same it's the same the same thing. What's that? Okay, let's see. Let me try to read this. Why did both parents not in the same page? How to handle things way not right? Does it work only for one parent? It's unfortunately a very common question that that one of the parents are or because they're themselves on crisis who was stress and different things in their life and they're not able to extend this extra thing that we're trying to to ask parents to do for the crisis child and the other parent is more available to do it. So definitely one parent that's doing crisis mode is definitely better than both parents not doing it. Of course, it's better both together. But sometimes the other parents are simply not able to at the moment. They go through something in their own life. And sometimes the children, it's a very common issue. By the way, a lot of parents when their children go through certain questionings or certain thing that triggers them subconsciously, it's an enactment, you know, of different happens and um it's it's something. But but you know what? It's not all or nothing. It's not all or nothing. Even if a child has one parent that's there for them unconditionally, they'll be able to connect to the bish. They know that Hashem is also there and the father of the world is able to do to to to he's always here for us regardless of of of our behavioral he's never going to forsake the missionaries the try to go around that forsake me even said I chose you now because Hashem Russell says such a beautiful line says one of the but he says says that why did Hashem take out the Eden from when we were meant to write all about it that there's meant to 50 layers the 15 50th level is something it's unbearable the last second Hashem took us out to try we were the lowest lower than the world today mostly so the question is why did wait till level 49 he could have tak when we're in the worst state he says that wanted to show us that he loves us as nothing to do with our mass. He loves us because he loves Hashem shows us he wants he took his children and he wants us. It has nothing to do of course he wants to function and to do mitzvah to the highest level. But that's not the reason why he chose us. We love our kids in any state even test and they are testing us. It's not conscious. Subconsciously, they're testing us. Are you still going to love me? But I'm going to do mas and came to me like one tattoo and he didn't know how to handle it. He came to m put on a tattoo that's already locking herself in. I understand very painful. I said, "What did you do?" He said, "I I told her that I'm very unproud of her and it's a very ugly tattoo, but I love you anyway." Like he's trying to say like he comes to my a little bit. I told him, "I guarantee you with a week or two, she's going to put on another one. And when she puts on the other one, you're going to tell her that it's so pretty. It's the most amazing tattoo you could ever put on." He said, "But it's not true." Said, "No, in her eyes, it's pretty. She thinks and that's what she said. You're going to do that." He came to me a few weeks later. Slimy. Yeah. Yeah. The tattoo is on. Okay. What did they do? Can I I told her I I said there's another tattoo coming here. I don't blame him. You know, when a child is in a crisis, all they need, they're really testing us. They're testing us. They're testing us. And some of us are so squeezed now. We're so exhausted. We're not quing over all these testing. But the sooner they're going to really, really, really, really feel that we are here for them, just we just want them to live and to be happy. Nothing more is important to us than that. You seem they're going to heal more. I want to end with a quick story. There was a stood out by Kashani few kashi's back sheet tall guy with white socks shirt and he said he has a daughter that's going to her stages real crisis. His daughter went to flat bus somewhere that's kind of hangout that she was there for a few months. I don't know officially trying to help out maybe something at my school a little I don't know if but some kind of place his daughter calls him out I wouldn't say the story in the beginning of our news today because he would throw me out the end say it some of you need to hear it I have a reason why I'm saying it so his daughter calls him up and says Tati I need to buy weed I want to buy drugs can you come in he lives in Mati she's in Brooklyn she was like an hour. I only if there's no tan pizza I only have joint. He shared his story with us in public to say straight up. She he called up I wasn't his mentor at the time it's someone else and he asked him what do I do? So the person said she crisis mode is this stage four. We're talking about a real kid said yes. He said you going to drive down and buy her the drugs. He drives down. He's telling the story. He was crying the whole way, shivering, crying the whole way. Mom comes there, she says, "That thank you." She comes to the car, driving to that corner, this low light kid to give money and buy these sweet. Now you can also buy it a little more little more uh over the shelf of those years. You still had to buy it like very very illegal. You bought those doors. She said, "Thank you." Okay. All the way back to M. I'll wait. Two weeks later, I need I need more. Can you come in and help me buy calls mats man said you don't can your child is stage stage four. His child help is just drove in again a few weeks few times. One day she ended up that school whatever she left. He went to pick her up. We drove her back home to Moni. On the way there's like these scenic lookouts on the Palis Parkway if you know what I'm talking about near the Washington Bridge. She says Tati let's go over park on the side. I want to talk to you. They come out of the car. She falls on her father's shoulder. She cries. She hugs him and she says Tati I want to thank you so much for buying me these drugs because all my other friends in the school also want the drugs and their father did not want to buy it for them. They had to sell their bodies to some boys to get money to buy it. I'm the only one that didn't have to go that low to get my Why am I saying the story? That's such a nice story. But many of you that are in this crisis want me to make sure that people that are not in this crisis understand what we're dealing with. We are dealing with nephesh with these girls. And by not buying them something and by not giving them something it could be kept damaged forever happens to be the story was said a while ago I'm just remembering now that this girl just got married a few weeks ago wanted to say the we are really dealing with crisis and if you And if you are in in a position of helping other, you need to really really know before you give advice to a person when it comes to these things. If you're not in this line and you didn't listen to something, say I don't know. Please say I don't know. I don't know. I this is not my line. No regular. I don't know. Reach out to people that know it. Don't give advice if you don't know. And don't go to advice. Take advice for someone that's down in this line. I need to leave off of this because it's if I wouldn't tell you the end of the story. You would go home saying really is that the method you tell someone to buy drugs from his daughter? There's another part of the story. So just remember if you need advice and you're dealing with a real crisis, there's a lot of D people that are in the people that not in the talk to someone that's in the suggest all everything is there. There's so many beautiful sham on every aspect of this that Hashem should show him us his unconditional love. We're craving attachment for the children. We're craving for him to send it says in the he says he's going to bring back the hearts of the parents to the children hearts of children to the parents and we're going to see we're going to see the immense love that gave us through all the challenges. It was all for our good hack in there a little bit. You've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by tora anytime.com.