Kesher Nafshi London UK "Listening to our struggling teens is key"

this Torah class is brought to you by Torah anytime.com I I I couldn't believe that we're going to I came here before and I saw like 10 shes here 10 shes there I said whoever set up this room is very smart because nobody's going to come after so many speeches like a whole day like who who's still wow the pressure is mounting let's make it gone you know we could use pressure two ways negative or positive every piece of energy could be moved towards or against negative or positive every piece of energy if someone angers you you just got more energy the problem is you're reflecting the energy you got was negative so you respond in a negative way you scream the yell or you're angry at the person you explode but you have we have the choice sometimes to take that energy say oh I just got energy I was in shield and someone told me a someone said something you know I just got energy thank you hashm I got energy so now my choice is what am I going to do with that energy I could go right away and do more that day I could take that energy and same thing some someone throws at you a good positive energy then naturally you're going to do positive but anything that comes our way is an energy so I'm I'm I'm I I got energized honestly I was very very exhausted and I just see everybody over here and I must say you londoners are amazing people we've been by so many shabbaton and amazing people all over the world yeah let's give that for London I was talking before and Manchester England England England vas everything under her majesty his o sorry how dare I and um I was talking to Fran before and it's said like people are listening and growing it's amazing it's just you know knowledge is power knowledge is power people are standing behind the mics including myself is because we have Knowledge from education that we had and life experience that we have and we're doing this so many times and we're growing you're listening to everybody we're growing together and and my my mission over here this shabas is sorry my mission over here is to to share that that knowledge that Hashem gave and M used to say a lot that the greatest pleasure on this world is true knowledge good knowledge knowing what to do because that's all we are we we're recycling the people and then we look into the maral the prag and all the other ones that see say that something that we that we are all well vered that we know that's a right four different elements and this huge level to one above the other a do is a piece of stone a metal water it's a nothing it's a piece of do what's something above that isay something that's able to grow grow something that grows like a tree a flower a Honey Tree orchids a fruit tree it's like it's a billion levels above a DI what's one above that aai an animal Kai is able to multiply and to have children and to create and fly animals it is all kinds of and what's the highest of all is a mad we are madra so the obvious question is what what does it mean mad what makes us more than the animals that we're able to talk an animal cannot talk we have Cy isn't that D thing an animal is total Instinct right we know that clearly what do we have above the animals our py we're able to think and but you know what he coined it very well he said we're a mad if we're not able to communicate we have nothing from your cycle and nothing from you grow nothing you cannot accomplish or do anything in your life without proper communication so how do we communicate we need to know who we're communicating to in order to know how to communicate right us men uh if a lady would walk into a bmad uh green a de in the morning in the coffee room and just join or listening into the conversation she would have a heart attack she telling it wouldn't work or if we would walk into over there we also wouldn't it's it's so when you talk to a woman you talk a certain way you talk to an elder person I should Gove to the right and I'm sorry cameraman okay over here I should push it off let's communicate with the diamond so communication is key and communication is to who I'm communicating the second thing is once you know who you're communicating with is listening more than talking right we have two ears and one mouth for a reason we got to listen double the amount that we talk feedback is the that's why I want to talk on a little bit now feedback is one of the greatest and most gift you could give for the person you're listening to like the people that are sitting here that are nodding certain things all going like that if you go like that tell me why but like like as a speak you know if you stand up here and you see some people give you feedback and you'll always realize the speakers naturally we do it naturally we'll always look at the person that's giving the feedback feedback is what we need as humans to communicate that's one of the major things and then of course mirroring and saying oh so you said that we should do this because of that did I understand you properly properly then you go and you repeat it on that I want to end you whatever levels and levels and layers of communication how do you communicate the the more people you're able to communicate with the more of a hero and the more mature if I may say that word is you are a mature person is someone that can communicate with more types of people you know when you drive down the highway the motorway and there's someone cutting you in and then in the car there's all kinds of people so I always say if we get angry like you know road rage is more of a man thing than women but there's always something that cooking and where does road rat come from the lack of understanding that you're sharing the roads with the whole DSM you know what DSM is right what's DSM DSM is the the book of the uh APA for the American Psychiatric association all the names the ABCs that we know on people the book of Diagnostics mental disorders emotional disorders personality disorders where is it coined where is it written and the criteria and fits it's called the DSM so we share the RO with the whole DSM so why you angry that guy like you would never marry that person that person is is is is going through an episode I don't know psychotic what do you know so why you're getting angry like you get angry at someone but you see cars you don't see the person in the car but really we sharing to be able to communicate to more types of people in the DSM the more of a hero the more of a leader you are a leader of someone has to be able to communicate with every type of person which includes some people you have to scream at them some people you have to give them a patch sounds extreme right I remember when I was a teenager I have to say this it came to my head when I was a teenager there was the and going to to I have talk louder going to when we the going from to now you go to in the old days you were able to go through the bah the baah was was was a little faster a little quicker a shorter way but it's through AR Arab Villages and the time when I was a teenager it was already quite dangerous to go there so my good friend was is a nephew of and he told me the story we were together in and he said yesterday I want to tell you what happened yesterday I went with and another person from with a taxi toas and and he tells the taxi driver was an Arab in those years wasn't so scary to have an Arab and he said I want you to go through KES not through the and they said the m and suddenly he starts going towards the bah he says I told you the might BR speaks in with him in Hebrew and and he says and he's continuing he says stop the car so he stops the car my comes out of the car and he says I told you go through I do not want you to go through the and he's not listening my brother G him a PCH on his face and he said oh so you want me to go through KES and that's how it went so this this nephew of his which was actually a Londoner my Bron had a nephew here there's a bron family ask him the story so tells me how does that work he said to an Arab that means talking doesn't mean anything at all so you need to know how to communicate I was I was so don't give an Arab a patch these days maybe a day after the Beeper explosion you you we had some now I I spoke to malam my son speak to the to the rabes every now and then how to deal with difficult children and there was a re telling me that he he he has one boy he's always so and he doesn't you know how do I how do I deal with him I said what happens he said when I leave the class I tell all the kids everybody should stay in your place andaz whatever like relearn what we just spoke I'll be back in 20 minutes comes back nobody should stand up this boy is always standing and always laughing and they have and he said nothing is working it's not like in the olden days there's no Pat so he didn't know what to do so he asked me how do I do I said can you stand up and act it out to me he says he stands up and he says so I said you know what I I said don't say the word punish say a different word say consequence or thech you're going to have to sit by lunch for another 20 minutes don't say the word punish let me know how it how it worked out the next day the re leaves the class he says that kid behaved said what happened this boy's mother probably uses the word pun a million times a day and she doesn't follow up on it so the word punishment doesn't mean anything then there's another kid in the class NE when the mother says I'm going to punish you or the father says I'm going to punish you they he really gets consequence from here to China so that boy like like that and every words have a feeling have a definition to us different people this is part of communication of learning what does a word mean for you what does it mean for me how does it our teenagers our one of the greatest and most important technique as mature adults trying to become more mature besides working on ourselves is to work on the communication of what is their lingo you know you have you have to get all these cool words also you have to say come up from a wedding you have to say it was sick you know there was a a met my father just not the long you and and he tells my father your schi is not my father's like who what did he do to you he's not so my father repeated to me I said means he's awesome he com from wedding was sick it does not mean sick it doesn't mean ill it means it was so great the music and was so it's a whole new lingo a whole new okay we don't need to learn everything but it's that's that's asking too much but really listening to our children double the amount and understanding different words different words trigger them the very word that made them that gave them trauma the very words that the same setting certain things you know someone shared with me throughout chavas over here that when he learns in his he he sits in his dining room and he learns sometimes he used to learn whatever he's home for 2 hours he learns in the dining room he says when the son comes in he gets so triggered that son doesn't go out of his room until the father stops learning when he sees his father learning it's trauma for him all of us know already by now right the end of shabas we know it makes sense there was something traumatizing I remember when my re punished us and we didn't behave what did it make us do you're not going to behave you're going to have to learn another two hours today by lunch or you're going to have to ride the line you're going to so so you know you're going to have to go to sh I once had a B in my house and for shabas many years ago and her she had two boys she was a single mother at the time and they were fighting she she tells I had my sh downstairs she's telling her son if you're fighting I'm not going to let you go to SCH wants a person that doesn't fight to come to SCH I think they like wow we send our kids you're not going to behave you're going to go to sh with hati they love daving don't they you know different triggers different different stuff different we have to figure out there different words sometimes that are are are triggering I had a boy once that came to my house and uh used to come cous and one day his parents reached out to me and they said our son it was the beginning stages when he started Kipping out and he didn't want to wear tits so the father came to my house with with with the wife with an appointment we sitting together I should convince their son to way it sit sad story so first of all I I started my old trick and I said I was arguing with the father said why does you have to weigh sitas there's no MIT in the to weigh sitas if you have a garment that has four corners you have to put on sitas the father almost wanted to kill me like like I I I tried to convince so I went to the all so why do we wear the only MIT could be every second of the day it's it's theur talk call Mitzvah there's so much going on it's not so not so and the boy says can I talk to you alone without my parents said sure he tells me that he was very very hurt by Reb many years ago molested by Reb let's say let's call it out for what it was and he said at the time the parents dealt with the B they knew that he had that past but he told me another part of the story said he was holding on to his tias at the time and tius is a and he was D save me that situs did not save him he said I will never ever wait situs Kam still you know thinking back I think it's I think isday but was was we never know why different kids don't want to do certain things and it doesn't have to be as harsh as this story it could be something much smaller it's much less I remember my own trauma coming up now when I was in kadal six years old seveny old boy my reab said I have a little bit more creases over here on my fingers than a regular person I think when I was a kid and one day he said I was a little kid I remember I thought I was dying I was M him a million times I know I happen to know a word he said ah we never know we never know what's going on in people we're so powerful we're such amazing people the other we're so fragile such small things and man things that seem small things to one person the other person this is like the trauma this is something that's going on so let's get back to communication to communicate to a person sometimes has to be also in a onetoone setting rather than in a public setting a lot of our kids if not most of our kids that are struggling are very self-conscious they're very self-conscious of what they wear and how they look you would think that they don't care because they behave a certain way don't tell them any in front of other kids in front of other people by the whatever it is when you're with other people don't communicate to them not even Extra Care of because you triggering them I'm the ne Cas you is being care of me my mommy is saying this it's not it's not always a good thing when a person feels listened to they start loving you listening to our children is one of the greatest keys with to get into their heart to want to start sharing with you more and more and listening is not only listening listening is remembering what they say B his understanding through the you know we all know right that that when you when you listen to to someone it goes into the part of Vin of the brain which analyzes there's the there b b is analyzing details when you listen to someone and remember what they tell you sometimes they could tell you a story and you're like at the end of the day and you Sayad I'm exhausted give me 10 minutes from now I'm going to sit down I want to listen to you listen listen listen to your children not only these kids all your kids and listen to your spouse just listen there's nothing more you know what you talk to someone there's this old trick in sales the sales people know and when you go you want to do sales and you want instead of selling your product and talking and talking talking you say what your product is and then you they start saying oh my company soon as the the the person you want to sell the product starts talking you you shut your mou and listen and he's going to start telling when he talk to someone and they listen to you you're going to walk away You're to say that person is smart that this person didn't say clever that person didn't say a thing person say he's listening if you listen to someone they're going to say you're smart test it you'll see it's it's very cool it's very interesting how psychology works listening is the greatest door uh portal portal to into our children's life if you have time you have to make time of course it's not the by the way you listen and you understand and certain things that they're so interested he's so not interested in that subject but you know what you want to connect to them in their level I remember when my daughter started out now she doesn't have that anymore in the beginning when she start she had a mission the only way she was the we're quite musical our family I don't play anything but I've I can hear music my kids are a little more Musical and she's very into music very into details she wanted to connect to me through me listening to her G music can you imagine I used to drive her in like a 30 minutes you know and I remember the first time like I'm going to listen to L singing to G music so I kept you know let's do V song Let's do Israeli songs so it worked for for sometimes we listen to which is Qui and then it started going to other Israeli music and then she wanted me to listen to music with her and I was debating in my head and I said what am I doing I asked my roof that I asked all theas and I Saida only when you know the person only when it's live you know unfortunately you know sometimes we have to look for a titem I did that for a short while and all she wanted is me you heard that beat you heard that the chords you know what I'm talking about anybody knows music he dropped it and he got back like and I said yes wow the connection the relationship that had between us was amazing I was in there with her I know some people might go home and say said you must listen to Goa music so let me call it out now before it happens that I said it someone is going to cut that out I had that many times you know anybody that speaks a lot you know it's just tighten the to you know that you should you should that's what says in the right if you take words out of context you just cut out two words or three words and you're good to go okay but that's that's part of the side effects of being a public speaker that's not what I said there's certain things that we need to communicate with them that they are interested and you show interest in them you connect to them and the goal is they're going to get healed there was a man that shared a story publicly a few few times in ki New York so I'm not going to mention his name just in case if he doesn't but I know he he he for sure would let me say his name but I'm not whoever heard that already should here but this is in in what we're speaking about he had a daughter we talk about lives in and his daughter is going through her stages she went to a place in Flatbush somewhere on the F I'm not sure and some kind of school for them I don't know what it was at the time and his daughter called him up Monday and she said tati can you come into New York to Brooklyn it's an hour drive for those of you who don't know minimum hour drive with traffic it's usually two hours can he come in and help me I need to buy weed you know what weed is I think most of us know a little bit how do you call a little bit of of like I need I need to have and I I need to get I need to smoke a joint and I have to okay he calls up his whatever he had this person and the person said go and do it he's driving in for two hours to Brooklyn crying on the way like a little child he comes to Brooklyn his daughter comes out of the place she says come drive let's drive down the roads it wasn't so easily accessible like today this a story of a few years ago you could just go to buy I don't know about London but New York you could go like to your local shop and buy ready now weed they legalizing it he he takes his daughter he drives down to some dark neighborhood and by the corner this guy standing there he gives the money and the guy gives it like hidden it's like a whole thank you so much he drives back crying the whole way what did I just do I just bought for my daughter two weeks later TTI I need some weed you got you listen yeah you care I'm sorry so he says again calls up his roof again his his D whatever person he said you go down to Flat bsh again and you're going to buy it again it went off a few months one day the school got over that class whatever it was it fell apart and he went to New York to pick up his daughter he's driving home on the way home on the palace Parkway where you know where it is there's some these Outlook like these areas so you could park the car and go out and see some some flu like nice trees and the water whatever and then he continued to mon she says tati pull out the side I want to talk to you they pull in the side and one of these scenic the rest areas and she says she hugs her father starts crying on his shoulder like a little child and she says tati I just want to tell you what you did to me by buying me these drugs all my other friends also wanted a smoke they needed to sell their body to boys to get money to buy the weed I'm the only one that never had to violate my body to get money to buy the wheed there's something that we need to understand they're going to get it anyway you want them to do something risky to get there or gel or steal or or or this when when someone is addicted the teenagers today are very addicted now they have the wax pens that's already in the Vapes all these stuff it's in New York they're trying to separate it's not a drug anymore it's a separate thing I don't know uh a Sugi on its own I in the school also we constantly contemplating what should we should enforce laws rules about that's a huge sigure so many people asked me throughout child should I get my daughter the phone she's like is she going to get it anyway you be the one giving it to her you be the one giving her money you know what girls and boys have to do to get money you rob a bank kidding you do whatever you can to sa the kids today are have access to so many things if your child is able to come and communicate you if you're going to be listening to them time and time again they're going to come and tell you when they're struggling with things like this this is a gift if a child if your teenager comes and shares with you something they'll say say okay be cool you know I'll cry in your bedroom later but just be Co say yeah sure I I heard these things it's okay I'm here you could save your child from suicide you could child save your child from from the worst things in the world this all comes back of the gift of listening listening means I accept you for who you are for whatever it is I'm ready for any challenge I'm here I'm here for you we are their protectors people ask what happens to yides kite when a child got hurt hurt emotionally traumatized pained why Y where what's the connection okay we know a little more now people that are not in the Su definitely like oh so really so his reab embarrassed him in public so now he's not putting on fil really but you know what the real connection is let's go a little deeper in this a few seconds who's our first God thought you my mommy come out your mother holds you your body you know you know by by the way the awesome book that came out recently it's very famous it's called the body keeps core just reading the you know about it just read the a the name it tells you what the book is our body keeps core of everything even if you don't remember certain traumas as that we remember when our mother hold us and when our father was singing and singing I la la Lulu giving us a lullabi when we fell asleep and we were crying and if we were neglected at that time we remember bir our first guard our first savior our first most secure is our tatin namami if for some reason somehow a person was not saved and not secure by their father their mother or both because they were hurt and they didn't feel comfortable to tell their parents because their parents never opened up the listening part so they never came and tell you in them there's no such thing as ever really feeling secure there's no such thing that someone has selfless Endless Love for me when we're little babies Hashem made it special we should be so vulnerable so dependent on our parents our parents even know when we need to be changed our diaper even that we don't have to do on our own if we don't give anything to our parents and they love us endless if we would could continue that that's the ultimate resilience ever and if something happens you can handle it have security but sooner or later throughout childhood most of us a lot of us and some people in very painful ways got harmed so the subconscious lost God you come you tell a kid Hashem is our father okay I know over here what a father means do do I feel it when I embarrassed my father father when I did something wrong and I came home and I told father I mean father and mother and I I told my parents that I and and they all they did was why didn't they make a better test and why didn't you try better or they fall and they break the something they're like I told you not to run we're telling them that love is pending on your behavior and then we tell our we tell ourselves now but we when we grow up Hashem is like a father like a father and a mother means kindy like a king someone that's able to do everything in the world and he's here for you if that was violated by you purposely and not purposely or none of us do purposely or just time because your child didn't feel comfortable to tell you that this and this person bullied me I got bullied and I didn't feel comfortable telling my parents because my parents would reject me they wouldn't believe me I just made that kid another layer and another layer and another layer in their brain and the subconscious not believing subconscious that there is such a thing as almighty God that loves me even if I didn't Aid every child walks around knowing they did many AAS at least they think they did a they W were this they were that so is okay so if I'm good hasm is protecting me if I'm not good hasm doesn't protect me but that's she so yes if someone was violated like this little boy with a Titus of many other things that happen to someone his he doesn't really really really really believe that there is an almighty God that's the closest mus we could give as a father is is is here to protect me and love me forever even if I didn't produce a thing today but if my father loves me and connects me my mother gives me everything in the world even if I didn't go to Minion I walked without the hat like the story he was saying ah so hasem loves me even if I didn't invite Hashem loves me you know this this I'm secure security is what we we're craving the only thing we're craving since we're born is Safety and Security that's the top of the pyramid that's like the most important thing a person needs so all of us and most of us and our Kips even more got very mistrusting their system mistrust the inner child whatever you want to call it is mistrust thing the fact that is Hashem loves me he's going to secure me and even if I'm going you see a child get could get punished by a parents but if the parents is very loving they love the child oh my father knows what's good for me you want you wanted to buy you something father said I love you very much I would love to get it for you I don't think it's good for you to have this so he gets older and hasm doesn't give him something that he asked from Hashem he doesn't drop hasem he his subconscious is used to it that his protector could sometimes put him through something that he doesn't like like the mush gave today about the the vaccine not today last night it was I don't even know what day night so my son didn't want to get a vaccine he tried behaving the next two weeks I told him he's 11 years old he had to get a shot the last shot is I don't know if over here El in New York 10 at age 1011 you get the last vaccine I'm not talking about Co vacine it's too controversial it's like and he behaved for two weeks doing helping out I said you could you do whatever you want I'll pay you back I you are getting that vaccine you're getting that shot I helped him thinking and process it I rolled up the hand and I like that with him and I said I was playing with him he should get exposure therapy trying to do things that he should he took it like a man it was okay but he could do whatever he wants he could be the greatest kid at home I'm still going to take him to get his vaccine we could be doing to Hashem for many different things and Hashem says or no or not now he knows what's good for us but if we didn't have this relationship with our first God our Father our mother sometimes that you see as a god you see as a I'm using the word god obviously it's not that but you seem like a savior like everything and then he betrayed you or he he was a hypocrite he's preaching one thing and then he was doing another thing I never forget I learned in a very very that's one of the and I remember I used to always walk on without my glasses and bar par and was a good boy I was trying and there was a a restaurant The Crow the street they was selling sandwiches Bagels tuna whatever and uh a bagel shop and he said is no reason to go cross the street into into piz into like a breakfast play whatever bagels and okay you know one day I looked out of these Shiva buildings and I see him walking into that restaurant I felt a tear in my system physically I felt a tear I something in me I didn't become rebellious I don't know why but something like that is very very oh so it's not real I had a boy that told me one of the teenagers that came to me he said that background okay we have thei right some people shake the table that to run up a say if you drank from it you have heard that joke in about the the minic is that you leave the the overnight at least the from where he came from there's many different and then they came in the morning was empty and they told the kids you know Santa Claus came down the you that that came and he drank out of the C this boy told me one day one year I was 8 10 years old I hid behind the couch the sofa holding my eyes open not to fall asleep and in the middle of the night I saw my father come empty that c I never kept chabas ever since because he said not to fight he said in my head it was sorry is a joke it's not it's something you do it's not you preach it it's not went to sh and he start realizing like you is real there's so many things that that need to go right but you know what the light of the end of the tunnel is when a person becomes in the Godless they become in a place where they're able to our own traumas our own things and we come to a place and we say we become like aini we get we we bring Hashem back into our life we choose Hashem and we start realizing that runs the world and he start seeing the in the whole world and all the and everything that goes on millions of I sh before such amazing stories by every everything if you open your eyes you see hasem and every moment every second of every day if you choose not to see it you see the world as plain you could see the world as an atheist you look a little deeper you can see the world as wow what's going on you just need a little bit of there's a lot of in the world things that are the odds are zero To None like the missiles and that are flying this it's not Israeli Army it's the we could choose we could could choose to see things so we could choose back and it says from the it says we say so why do we say our God and the god of our ancestors our parents don't aren't we Jewish because our parents are Jews also said you need to acquire God on your own Hashem on your own you're you're it makes sense that the world came into being nothing created something does it make sense that the world the Sun the moon the stars and the billions of galaxies and anthropology and all the things everything is in sync every fruit tree is created for us this has vitamin A this is everything is created for the human it can't be that this evolved on its own and that evolved on its own and for some reason it works this was in sync you you start learning and realizing it's a kind but it's also those moments when your cycle is not there your emotions are there you still remember my parents werei given over generation to generation we know where we come from you stop you stop a going in the street and he ask him he doesn't know who his great-grandfather was he does he's no clue us we know exactly we we have the the finger on the pulse of the world we know mat how long ago it was the when he lived we know more or less when they live how do we know all of this we live it it's not something we learn there's a pyramid you know what a pyramid is it's a pyramid of we have today about approximately three million SW 3 million SW is is a pyramid the SW from today could only quote the SW from before them they can never quote the B cannot quote IM the it doesn't and so you right away through that our SW shank he can't tell this fried doesn't what it is you need to explain but we know our has Pro it's a very simple pyramid we know where they live more or less where they went who's the of who Who quotes who we have the pulse on our gener we we know who we are we I'm alive so with generation we know who we are we know our sadim and the re and we we no we're living it only the Heen have the a guy doesn't know some I had go tell me how do I know George Washington was true he tells me I said have a good question there's proof on that come on it's not so not so long ago you can prove it he actually lived in Mony you know that a very short while yeah the the the war of independence the britz the English the the fight was in man you know that in Rockland County there's still a lot of forts places there's a house of man that claim that this is the house for left for a while okay so we learn some history also now the point is like this our children could re choose Hashem how does that happen we gained their trust now we give them now Endless Love why do we need to give them so much why do are we preaching over here just love them give them and this will heal to reconnect to us and ultimately to reconnect to the why why because we're instilling into their self-conscious again that there is such a thing that even if I walk around with six air piercings or or the CH whatever you're doing you're embarrassing your family you're doing everything wrong and your parents still love you and then again you still love you and they still love me so I do everything wrong I hurt them in every way possible they still love me so there is not over here in the subconscious it re reprograms in their subconscious it becomes tattooed into their subconscious that is such a thing as Endless Love and caretaker and then he come and he preach hasem or they're going to discover hm like they're going to be their own it's going to make sense to them that hasm gives Endless Love even if your own behavior even if you did have look at the whole toim Russell say such a beautiful I'm sure you heard it from him he said wanted to that why did hasm take out CL from we were right we know through we know this is like you can't live whatever it means 50 levels the lowest level is 50 the second lowest Lev is 49 49 level of Tuma I don't I don't know compared to today it's probably worse than we are today and then hasem took us out of M why didn't he take us out when we were level 20 level five why does he need cl to go to the lowest level and then take them out and give them M and all the marus he said he said that wanted to show I love you you're important to me even if you not because of your performance I chose you as we see in not because you are something special you my child I love you it has nothing to do with performance if we could tell this to our regular kids at home you have to teach them why do we need to tell oh with this m spoke you going to go did he hear that Al so you makeing sure that nobody should go anymore I have met in today's generation so everybody spoke at least one or Hur the friend or was so telling him oh so you got what did he do the says in the he says if someone did the biggest a in the world and a minute later there's a MIT has to do he says I just I just he said that's Aus that's what does one thing that do with the other the whole world I talk about is my influence but is a relationship with the all the Mitzvah and all the things that we do is to connect and to have a relationship with Theus how do we know what vikus is we see how marriage works in this world how give and take our relationships work and the max we could do that's what we do with so let's say a husband is not able to take out the Gage oh relationship he's not doing one thing that usually men do get it so you didn't or you have this one thing thing in the the is just too difficult to it's is All or Nothing we have to try for all we have to really really try but is it all or nothing the relationship with us so someone's I can't do this mitzah so now I shouldn't do that mitzah where does that come from it's a relationship I had a couple that came to me and is it I said what's going on so of course the lady usually starts talking first right she says it doesn't feel like we're married he's just not a man he's just I'm just not living so I asked him what is your wife talking she said I don't know I do everything I take out the garbage right I open up the difficult cans right to the I kill the spiders I do everything a man is supposed to do in the house and I work I bring up an who says as much as I can what what she says but I feel alone she wishes he wouldn't take out the garbage not kill the spiders and think about her 24/7 and take her seriously being in tune into her emotion and her needs that's the real part of marriage of course that's technical stuff the women usually cooks and bakes usually doesn't have to do usually does this this this some kind of Standards which there men jobs women jobs there's certain things that certain chores are easier for men certain for women but that is the marriage that's a business deal who got married to a business deal there's to mitz things that we do that the gave us a means to connect to him that's not the relationship that helps the relation that brings us there he's standing by want me to join this group he does not want me to join if I'm there standing there ready what should I say should I not answer this should I answer should I hold myself back now should I do this do I see an old person walking you're driving up with your car should you give him a a hitch a lift should I give him a lift or not you made a decision what does hasem want for me you're in tune in his needs so to speak that's the relationship from our children our Kips could hear this if if you're able to talk with them they could they could they could understand this they could understand this concept they they're usually the big feelers they're usually the very sensory sensible people the sensitive they understand there's something more than just technical is is is a must it's the it's the relationship why we're doing that mitah you can put on and you could put on my son was learning with nowadays is a thing that sent to learn so my son finished and I said learned all remember I learned my father made learn I said did you learn anything about F he said yeah it has to be here and here I I went to the that I paid a lot of money to to learn with my son I said he taught my child everything about you didn't teach him what is he looked at me like I'm crazy I said when when the came the nas to take the eeden out of the house the only thing you're able to take is one bag why did every e have in that tiny bag food or his T why would the M what was what the T the technical thing God needs this this is it I once had a book that couldn't wait film for other reason also some kind of very negative film it's his biggest trigger embarrassed him in front of the Holy Shana that was the last day in hisa and he never put on film ever since and the boy came to he was already growing and he said help me get rid of this trauma I want to put onil you know what I did with him I said we're not calling you anymore take it out of back bag put it into the regular bag you're going to call it my love letter to Hashem my conversation with him for a few days I used to call him and I said did you put on your love letter what is fil there's a letter in there you put it and then you put on a love letter your BR and telling I love you I want to connect to you and you this is all to keep it there of course there many very big the point is I said did you you put on your love letters today ready he loved it he was like and I said the gur says when we were also puts on at the time what does it say in his F what is his love letter wow you tell a person you're going to put on your love letter now you standing by the co I used to when I was a teenager I was always preacher my nature I'm standing by the co I used to every Friday when I in I used to go us to go to the stand over there and put on for but I just put on I always had to say something I remember I used to tell them I said close your eyes be standing out like you have a cell phone to the have in mind all your children and father and your mother and and down the tears you know we should all put on like that so I told this I said teach him what is of course you need to know but that's a much smaller part than the part of knowing why you're ding what is ding tou and ding relationships have to be real and we have a relationship with and even if you miss something at home and you didn't you're not able to do something for your husband or for your wife you're not able to you're not the best cook in the world you're not able to cook every single night the relationship is over yeah every man would like to come home with like a you know doily nice things and and and me like we had here shabas but come on we know we understand the relationship is not over that's not the Rel that's in the relationship if we could learn and live like that and and and and our children should feel it off as our children that are struggling and the regular kids that is a relationship with and even if he not able to do certain things do the rest connect connect did you connect to hem I I tell my the B come to me always we have like these groups and I tell them did you did you sink to today I don't say go or I'll say did you talk to hm today already what are we doing about we ask we you know all the all the this this this different words we sometimes I have to change the the the the the labels and all these things to start enjoying and seeing you know do you know already whatam is he said what do you mean on how to every day you learn today five minutes 10 minutes two there's all kinds of this we reframe it into a place of realizing that everything is a relationship so back to the beginning of the conversation if our children are able to talk to us if you could take on one thing from our speech today hope you'll take on more but listening listening is the greatest most important tool we have in communication and if we can't communicate we're not different than the we're mad we are communicators we are listeners we're listening not in order to know what to answer we're listening you want to hear what really bothers them or what they really like and connect them through things that they want what's interest themel you ever heard of him how get he he related a story he said that he had he was he was he was first in Cleveland and then I think inin right he was in had one of the boys was a a good-looking boy and he was every night when he went home from yiva he us to take over his couple his yam and walk him like that interesting issue what do he do they talk to him once twice and he he expelled his boy about 30 years ago expelled that boy you can't have a Yesa official official you just can't doesn't work ites couple of years later he went boating with his family and and there was a guy over there helping them get onto the boat and the guy says Rabbi frel do you remember me he looked at him he said no he said he said his name I'm That B that you expelled FR said he he beat himself up so much he said I didn't listen to that boy when I was talking to that boy that boy told me my looks are more he needed he had bigger CH like a big hair beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes he had that need to to look good that was is he said if I would just listen what really this boy needs he could have been a big time today and he could have been a in our family and he shared the story although he did something he he wanted us to learn from it you know what elel did he had a boy no this is the story of of the salemu the T from Williamsburg he didn't have any children he had a cousin that survived the war and the child the whole thing he and they died he had to he he adopted this boy to come live by him a couple of years this boy came from a modern Orthodox family from he was living somewhere in Wyoming and he came to Williamsburg those years winsburg you think Stanford Hill is Winesburg in the 1930s this was it and he has this boy coming over there and he's trying to connect him there's nothing in common first of the English he spoke only idish fine he was trying to and this boy loved Sports the T him would have called in a few of his person that he said Sports he put his and he told him to go get the almanacs all these I don't know what it's called these big books of different players from different years who won the the uh I'm very not into sports probably misquoting the words the world champions and the whatever it is and he became a m and this is how he communicated with the boy that was busy Ding and learning this is what he was busy went all the way down to this boy to communicate and he listened to what is this boy interested and he connected him this boy lost all the way down what is this boy interested in this is this is what he was doing was very my family was connected them I remember people that I know used to CL and like no of us out the Yankees H whatever we out the Yankees and he knew he kept score because that's how he connected to certain people very the people that D on the back of the sh he was always into trying to figure out if our sadik can do this we can't do this sometimes we need to go all the way down there to be there with them and then slowly butly SLE them out was the of was a hidden in the old days were hidden what does a hidden s mean they didn't want people to know because then he going to disturb them they're going to be busy with all the what do we tell our what did they listen to all our and the garbage and he didn't want sadik the old days they used to hide and nobody knew he was a shoe repairer yeah he fixed shoes the Magid was getting older and people came to he came to to the mag he said I don't have any children I need a he said the Tor so he comes with the the tlor cig like he says the the the the M sent me to you to take AIDS I you should have to kill it and he left and he had a baby and then another one another one he started sending him people came running to the gr Mar he said why are you revealing me I I I can't be anymore I'm listening to people's suas and people anyit today listens to such difficult things I want to be able to be over with I was hiding under my facade as a as a shoe repair and really the told him the sit do you want to sit in a in a room and G you have to go up there on this world you have to go into the BL into mud on Biz he showed him till his nose you have to go into the mud of to eat that's aoid hem who said hhm needs you to learn a whole day this is what you need to do he took a p and overnight he became you know people realized this the greatest sadik of his times this isus a sad is not someone that does something that we decide decided that I decided that hasem wants I will do whatever hasem sends my way this is myem is it easy no very not but this is theid listen to them listen to their you know sadik listening to us do you belong to any sadik they have any sadik today that you you go into them what what do people share with them how many people today go I have issue with them is hm you know should I very very small percent people going to the tadim today that as the reab my business my son is into this schutz and thatz and this crazy story happened how do I was involved with a story with the the one was one before I I didn't speak to them directly but there was a case such a I wouldn't ever say it on camera a very story that happened and back and forth with the parents how to deal with I think this what he has to hear think one minute this is his now this this is what he has to deal with who are we to decide what whatever comes your way this is what has wants you to do so listen to your teenagers Mish get in into it if it's Sports if it's whatever it is they'll start communicating they start feeling you they'll start and then you're able to feel for them and then you give them Endless Love you're going to heal their subconscious fear that they there's no such thing as someone really that I could surrender to completely they will be able to start surrendering again and really relying on really have a connection to us parents and then ultimately to the div Ah that's that's mending that's fixing that's correcting putting together something that's healing so that's the reason why we listen what they telling you there was that said a story that it was a said the story lives in Barak now she related the story he said that he heard from the dine his good friend is a Dy in Barak he got a phone call from a that's really really struggling and back and forth in and out and the B called him a of shabas on Friday and he said if I call you on shabas are you going to answer my phone call he says I don't know why should I answer your phone like whatever and the phone call end it this boy on shabas took his life this dying looked in his phone and he said five minutes before he had a missed call from that b he didn't listen to what that boy was saying he thought he he he thought that he TR like testing you do you answer phones of Shas and then he he rethink he said this boy is not that type he's not a cynical type he's never struggling the dying could have saved his life listen to people we we we are not good listeners none of us including my we need to grow in listening and our children are going to teach us first and when you listen and you understand what they're very into you connect them to what they're into and you give them endless why should I give this give them otherwise how you going to dis how you going to connect them again to how are you going to connect them to yourself how you doing this their subconscious their inner feeling needs to feel that there is such a concept of Love unconditional this is the gift that a BN get is there such a thing as unconditional love only parents to kids but sometimes our neas and our pain so much pain that caused us we think and we forget that we really love them and they start feeling we don't we love our kids endless Hashem gave us a gift if we have that then we're able to understand that H loves us endless it's not love that's pending on something it's unconditional love there is such a thing as unconditional love if a person grows up knowing I have parents that what come what may they're going to love me you're healed them sometimes the system needs to hear it one year two years thousand times sooner or later they're going to feel I could come and tell my parents anything they really love me because they're listening to me and then the they're going to start using it so I want to end with this it showed me 10 times already that I have to finish there so many takeaways from the sh I definitely got inspired I've never ever been to such a shabas I'm telling you I've been to a lot of shabus such amazing people in this place so I grew a lot and listening to people and talking and and and just just wow and I hope that all of you were Kinder from all the other speech everything that went on on this place and don't worry even if you come home you're going to say oh it's one minutes why did he say then don't worry your your self-conscious remembers and when when you'll need it it will come out of your system and you know how to do it okay some sometimes you leave a speech like so what was the story he said doesn't matter when you'll need it it will come up it goes straight into your incubator into the back of your brain just being here is good you like we go on vacation a few days and and they come back and you right back into faced with all your problems say well what did I go on vacation for not true your subconscious feels there's a lot of healing for the next few months he'll have more took a took a day out two days out it's there don't don't start bashing yourself it's there and same thing all theic and and the ideas and everything that we have here it definitely got imprinted into our hearts into our brains and and we will be 10% 20 30% better parents better people better husbands better wives better kids from the ourselves and we have to mend our own relationship with and really really really know that gives us Endless Love And even if he puts us through some vaccines and even he puts us through certain things let's tap into that we should be to see very soon and we should have all's goods and everybody should go you've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by Torah anytime.com