Kesher Nafshi 9- The single Parent: You are Never Walking Alone

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com. This is the second time I'm speaking on this topic. I remember a few years ago and it went out. it goes online and we get a lot of feedback from people that are not only dealing with the challenge of living alone without a spouse still dealing with a kip at home and that's uh okay more than oneh wow more than one so the uh there was a yid You know it's when a speaker comes up to speak sometimes you have a a certain uh people come over to you and they share with you stories they share with you interest because they know you have a mic you you're able to give it out and and have a schmoo with with you know you'll they know their story can be famous. I just had recently uh someone reached out to me from London and said I have a story I needed to share with the world. It's it's there was this uh lab that worked in a one of the states in America and uh they worked I think it was two they worked in a nursing home all day long they were helping and they were making sure that they d every day the ali and there was a few over there and every day they were struggling to put together minion. So they went to this ali this older person maybe you want to join maybe we could do a together shakras and there was one person over there let's call him a so this a this was alid over there and every time this lab asked him you want to come and join the minion he used to say don't ask me again never ask me I'm not ding with I'm not like with anger and anger and again and again and again okay one day this this lab was wheeling back this Isaac to his room and he said Isaac you don't want to die I'm fine you know why are you so angry why you so angry what's say no you don't want to die I'm fine you don't want to have the guy you don't want to he said come come with me to my room I want to tell you what's bothering me what's going on he comes into his room and he sits down over there and he tells him you know I'm a Holocaust survivor I wasn't I was a very tall child I was very call. I was 12 years old when Mangalia Mashma made this selection, the left and the right, and he thought that I'm a teenager. So, he put me on on the side together with my father. My mother and my siblings all went the other side. Never came back. I was 12, 12 and a half years old and my father started worrying what's going to be when I'm going to be my mitzvah in two three weeks, whatever. He wants to get me film at least to put on film once in my life. He found out that in the next I don't know I think it's called barrack in the next building there was a year that had hidden film somewhere in side and it was like so the the um he said my father made sure to reach out to that person and to try to find me at least for that day of film he said I came to that night the night before my bitzvah I was turning 13 my father smuggled out middle of the night to go to the other barrack to find to bring me this pair of fil they said we were looking out of the cracks was the biggest you could have done if you leave in the middle of the night from from from your he said I saw my father going to the other building whatever and I saw him coming back and we was so excited and he's coming hiding behind the tree and suddenly boom a big Nazi stands up and says Jid where you going this Isaac is saying the story with tears he head and he's looking out and he sees this Nazi talking to his father and father said you know why are you hiding over here why are you hiding and he found a pair of film a Nazi took a gun and shot and killed my father point blank do you think I'm ever going to don in my life how did Hashem do such a thing there is no Hashem open up the drawer on my This Isaac's telling his little open up the drawer and he sees a old pair of til and said this is that pair of film. I carried it with me for years. If anybody is ever going to tell me that there is a bash on the belt, I'm going to show him this pair of film. My father died while trying to get me to be mids of putting on film. Turned like sorry this is this is extremely personal. This is like I will never ask you again to come down with us. Forget it. It's sorry. Kissed him. I hugged him and he left the room. A few weeks later, there's another person in the nursing home over there. And that ali hadite and he was mamish really wanted to have minion and this lab couldn't put together 10 people. He had nine people and he needed one more person to join the minion. And he's thinking to himself, he's not asking Isaac anymore. Isaac is not this is not not happening. But he didn't have a choice. It's getting late and they need to have minion and this and then someone told him this year that needs a minion is best friends. They came over here in the nurs. So he said you know what I'm going to ask him a favor. It's his friend just knocks on his door and said Isaac sorry I'm you know your friend. Says sure he says he still believes he has your today. He wants you to come for a tense meeting. I would never ask you again just for him. Would you do it? He said yes. a personal thing, but you're not asking me to din. I'm just coming to join. He wheels him down the hallway and Isaac thinks a second. He says, "Take me back to my room. Bring my pair of film." Okay. Goes back, puts his hair film. He comes to the lunchroom and he says, "Put on the film. I never put on film in my life. Put it on for me." Puts him on the film. Makes him film. Puts on film. This Isaac is sitting there in the corner and starts weeping and crying. He was bowling like never before. Everybody finished diving. He's still sitting there and crying. An hour later, he shows the lab boy, "Take all my Till I'm done." They didn't know what to like hearing the story like this. Here he's putting on Till and here he's crying at Kaman. He wheels him back to his room and he asked Ma, "Please tell me what what happened? What was going through your mind?" He says, "I'll tell you. I decided, you know, I'll do a favor for my friends. I don't want to be a fool that I never did something that everybody I'll put on the film. He says, when I put on that filling, something happened to me and I realized another part of the story which I never connected to. I only connected to the first part that I saw my father being killed for trying to put me on Hashem's villain. This is the first time I was able to think past that and I was connecting to my father how he was mo nish for me how much he loved me and I connected to that part. I was so stuck with the anger at Hashem. How dare he kill my father. I never connected to my father itself. My father he believed in it and he died for me. He risked his life. He went to the other mom is the biggest risk a person could ever take for me. I connected to my father and while I'm sitting there I'm thinking but why did my father do that? Because his father put on film and his father put on film. So it must be true. I wanted you to start putting on film for me every single day until I die. Our children have their own Holocaust story. Some of us know what it is. Some of us don't know what it is. They all have their own Holocaust story. They're not able to go past that story and see what we the parents are doing for them. They're not able to go to the next level and to realize they're still in that bubble. This ali was years after the he's still living until he got to the place he was able to connect to a total different part of the story. speaking to single parents. First of all, uh those of you who don't know me, I myself second marriage have children from my first marriage, second marriage. I'm very involved with parents that are or divorced or amunas or elements or I'm dealing with this. I I know it quite close. I can't say very close enough. But what it means to raise a child that's so angry that they don't want to put on the film I don't mean only the film they don't want to connect to Hashem they don't want to they don't want to connect to normaly they're doing risky behavior and still being a parent alone you didn't even have a partner to share to have bring this kid to a place to realize that look past that story I'm a single mom I'm a single said, "You know how much more I am working for you, how much more I'm doing and what I'm they're not able to see it yet." And we wish and we hope and we go to sleep every night and again and again. The children have no idea that we don't sleep until they come home at night or in the morning. What kind of they they have no clue what we're doing for them. 12:00 at night, 1:00 at night, who knows where they are and they say, "Stop it. Go to sleep. You're making me feel guilty. You're making me feel guilty, guys. I want to be able to bum around with my friends. And every second day you find out they went out with friends and doing all kinds of stuff over there being arrested and I was just called the my I do some there was this whole crew of boys with cars and they were doing this skits in the parking lots. I I forgot the name. What is it called? Huh? Drifting. Drifting. That's the word. So this this girl told me that she went, you know, her father's a good friend of mine. So every now and then I speak to her on the phone. I try to put some two cents. So she went mom recently they were went to the parking lot of Walmart 2:00 in the middle of the night with this drifting. The cars make this spinning. They put the foot on the brake and the foot on the gas at the same time. And the smoke that comes out, come on, we all know the smoke that comes out. It cost them hundreds of dollars to repair the tires and the car, but not but they're showing off for the girls. You know how powerful they are. And some girls did it and police come and they take off. They have like a whole plan escape land. You run out of this exit and this you go behind Walmart and then they make up. They meet in uh Nanet Mall. Nani wet mall all the way down to 59. You all meet up over there a few 45 minutes till one neighbor someone calls police and then they and of course eventually police arrested a few of them and it was chaos and it was and this girl was arrested. She wasn't part of it, but it always and then they come home and they tell their mother or their father why why can't you sleep they smell they're walking like that smelling of weed and who knows what someone told me throughout chabas that I should talk about the kip in us every person in the world has you know say in all of us there's one part of us that's one part of us that does everything right always connected to doing the right thing and there's one part of us that has some rebellion somewhere somehow certain things that we just cannot get to ourselves to do and we're shiny all of us have everything in us so he wanted me to talk about the rebellion in us How much how many times our children reflect and that makes us feel even more guilty. They reflect and we feel guilty. One of the greatest tools kips have, every child but kips have, they're able to make us feel guilty because of you divorced because of Tati died or mommy died because of that. And you feel and you're so stuck. You're so like there's nothing in the world you could do. You know what you did that you have to do. You have to divorce or whatever the situation is. So they they turn that knife extra like they make you feel so guilty with such pain. So I'm here to tell all of you, all of us, our children are talking from pain. It's their perspective. It's their pain. And we need to, if we're able to to sit there and listen to it and say, "I am so sorry. You're so right." And you validate their feeling. This is just a feeling. You validate it. And you tell them, you know, it's true. The says every person has three partners. I have three partners that created me. My father, my mother and I. And we all know in business if there's three partners running a business together and one of them is absent for a few months, the other two partners have to work very hard. They work double. They have to replace. If you don't have a spouse helping you on one hand, it feels like mamish you are. it, which is true. Physically speaking, you're actually speaking, you're practically speaking, you're you're alone. You're dealing with the skip alone. But you should just know that Hashem is working double. He's your partner in raising this kid. He's the third partner. If there's no sec one partner's absent, he has to do more. says that when the Torah says, you should always be careful never ever to cher or to hurt or to harm someone that's aim. He says it's not only a yusima, it's also a divorce or a child of divorce. anybody anybody vulnerable that doesn't have a father available a mother available these children are just like is meaning to say hashem is the father of the as I said yesterday so many of our and orphans and children of divorce and they became the greatest leaders one of them was of a himself one of the greatest greatest he himself was aim He lost his father when he was a little kid and his mother was a single mother raising she didn't have a choice and she moved into her sister and his uncle raised him. His uncle had a lot of money was about but it was not sadic type of material and it was the knives told the story to his kids and he said I always used to feel alone. I used to feel like my my uncle doesn't take care of me as much as he takes care of my siblings. And he shared a story that his father his uncle bought a pocket watch a ziger for his for his cousin which was his age and he didn't buy him one and he went to sleep crying he said such pain like I'm aim and then he himself the says from all the he went to the forest and he started crying he said you are my father I also want to have a zig I also want to have a gold watch I also want to be and he's crying and he said with such a you are my father he fell asleep and he woke up and he found the watch name he found suchas and he said that was not he wasn't at sadic at the time as a little kid he said that actually created hashem gave him muna some say it's happened twice once with a knife once but he told the story to his kids we need to cry out and reach out to the divine and I cannot do this alone. Someone asked he was one of the greatest I read a lot of a revolutionary and someone asked him after all said tell me what is the best part of he saysalia what should I do one thing that I could help my children grow up to perfectly he says don't interfere when we are a single parent don't interfere hashem's Sometimes we have to sit back and say you know what I can't do anything. I'm alone. We can't interfere in his job. And I think whenam raises a child he does a better job sometimes better than us reading all the food. I'm going to all the shidam on a personal level very personal level. My children from my first marriage was alienated from them. I didn't see one son 13 years, my daughter nine years, my other kid five years all back. But at the time I was here in America. My ex lives in a different country and my I didn't see my children and being raised by a single mother which was not very interested I think raising them perfect. And I used to and I connected to this said you are you are their father now. They're they're like they're vulnerable like the says these are kids. You have to raise them. Hashem, two out of three. The third one is also one they're going to have grow up amazing. Hashem raised them in this way in a interesting sense in an interesting way. It's easier because it's less than you as a single mother as a single father raising these kids. You say, "You are the one raising these kids. You're the one that you have to kick in and make sure that these kids grow up. When they come out of this turbulent spinner, the way I call it, they're in a spinning mode. They they're not rational. You're the one that's raising them. You're the one that's beh the the way you want your children to look like one of the greatest of the of of the of the mag was the we all know the valik people go to Ukraine they go to dyednikica was a yumm was a little kid and his mother was a single mom and she had three little boys and they were mummish extremely difficult children to raise very very difficult they through like he he writes on himself. He says, "I was such a wild kid doing everything wrong." No, no, no, no, one minute. I'm missing one main part of the story. Okay, sorry. Almost ruined the story. One shabas afternoon the high of Alnik comes home from Shu and he walks home after dining Friday night and he's walking with his and they're talking in to you can imagine the dinging and everything and there's one woman running I need to talk to you rebum push her away like what what what and he sees this woman he says the woman wants to talk to me why what goes inside and he says how can I help you And she says, "My husband wants to divorce me." He says, "Why?" He says, "You know, I'm married so many years and we tried everything and I'm I'm not able to have children and he he wants to have children. He wants to leave children. He he wants to leave me." And the Reb started crying for her and he said, so she said, "Reb that I'm going to have children. I'm going to I'm going to go home and tell my husband that you promised me that I'm still going to have children. He's not going to divorce me. started crying and he closed his eyes and he said, "I promise you that you are still going to have a child with your husband." This woman was a a smart woman or a woman and she says, "Reb, if you gave me such a give me that my child should be like you." She wasn't satisfied just enough with such a such a said ah you want to have a child like me you have to be like my mother my mother was a single mom we were very wild children she didn't have a penny to her name she used to work a few hours here and there put together to go to the mammed and an hour a day, two hours a day because she didn't have enough money for the malam to learn with us. And we used to see our mother crying by Shabas. If you're going to be like my mother, you're going to have a child like me. Obviously, it's not a guarantee, but this is what he told her that stand. We could have a lenicus. We could have children that could shine the world. Someone came over to me after my speech yesterday. I I don't even know if I'm just again speakers have and he I have it in my And he gave me a print out a whole list of all the because I mentioned it of all the that were raised by single parents once after she'll show it to you a whole list and he said there's more he had like three I don't know how he had in his pocket came over to me because I mentioned yesterday I said that that I once spoke about only the Tom of Hashem and he said Dustin was not only the Tom of Hashem our children that are growing up in our house. It's not in vain. It's never in vain that sad in the sidum for a single mother, a single father raising a kip and having other kids at home. Many of us and so confused. What should we do? We should keep that kid at home. We should not. What's to the other kids? How is it the chaos that's going on? Never give up. Our children are going to grow up have a have the possibility of growing up the greatest leaders of Kalis. What does it take? It doesn't take a thousand people to raise a tadic there that I heard there was the gutnik from from Australia the z was out after the war he went to Australia and he used to come in once a year as a long journey it's still a long journey today but afterwards even more a long journey to come to New York to visit the previous he came to him one year and theat he gave a kit and he's talking about his life and everything and he says the ayat tells him I want you to set up a shir in Australia on he says reb you don't understand after it was after the war the yeden were angry there was very few over there he says these people tell me I should make a shabas meal and they should come with their cars and we make and make them come to once a year yes I want you to do that said okay he comes goes back to Australia. He sits down with his wife and they set up a whole curriculum for eight weeks. Every Sunday they're going to have and they create huge posters. They put it around and they over there in Sydney and the and anything that to provoke a to want to come to learn about family purity, food, sushi. I don't know if sushi was in style then, but whatever it was and they come there and they have a mic podium. They're waiting. One woman walks into the room and sits down. They wait 10 minutes, 15 minutes, nothing happening. And he felt like he comes off the stage and him and his wife and he left and his wife sat down and started giving her the lecture. The next week they did double marketing put into every media whatever they can. It's beautiful whatever they next week Sunday they're waiting. The same woman comes in and sits down for eight weeks. One person showed up. Was the biggest flop in their life. They felt like losers. Next year forgot about moved on. Comes to New York. He got every year once a year comes comes to he tried everything in the world that the Reb should not ask him about that flop. So he's talking about this kid and that kid in the business and and his head was he says what happened that that I told you you should give a sh for it was such a flop I did nothing it didn't accomplish anything it was I did so much effort and I told you it's not going to work and people are not so looked at him with his holy eyes and he said nobody showed up talking nobody showed up said no just only one person looks at him and says how many mothers does mobi need to have. It takes one person to create the mohira. Takes one person. What do we know? One effort. One child four my children are struggling. So the fifth one what do you know is not about quantity. One person used to say statistics of percentage someone told him a certain percentage boys fall out of this sent the power of one hiddama one parent onevart you never know what's that trigger that that one kid needed to hear that one they could be struggling and you're putting into them they're not able to listen like this they're able to hear yet what you're doing for them. They're not able to even see your perspective. They see you. They don't see what you're seeing them. They don't see that whole They don't understand what you're most nish for them every single day. And you're a single parent again and again, they don't they don't see it. They don't even hear it. They don't feel it. They're only seeing their perspective. And my mother is this and she makes me feel guilty and I was there. That's all they see. One of your grandchildren could be moeri. I had a yeided from vision my altiid called me up. I was dealing with his grandchild. I I deal oneonone with with our kips many many years. And I had this book his mom is fresh sad sad nowadays used to be 16 17 year olds we all know nine year olds 12 a young b 12-year-old and then 13 to meet up with him every now and then and he you know he liked me so we were able to connect somehow and the father is struggling with pan and the zid is about pan so he's the one that's giving money for his daughter to to pay me and to pay others and to you know what to save this he calls me up and he says you are doing nothing with my I was in shield he came to shield with me in the vision the vision I had such bishes from him he's standing in the back of a wholeing he's coming to you ready for weeks I telling my son he's controlling his children to throw him out of the house he's out of the family it's an embarrassment for all of us we are not going for this anymore again validated felt with him. He'sn't sad. He's sad. It's not rational. He's sad. Sad. He's a Holocaust survivor. He wanted his kids. This is not It's not But after all that, I still needed to hang up the phone with with some tas. And I tell him, you know what? Oh, he said, you can't save him anymore. He's I don't want to tell him like he's coming to you. already a thousand steps ahead of all of us in this room. We this kid is coming and smoozing a shield in the back and not not doing a word, you know. So something hit me and I said, you're being him couple years ago recently. I told him, you know what? Stop saving this child. You have a connection and relationship because you want to save his children. He's going to move on. He's going to turn 20, 24, 25. is going to find a girl if you and your your son whatever the parent of this kid are not going to have a relationship with him you're going to have zero control zero nothing if you have a shik maybe one day when he's going to have you're going to have kid from this one you'll be able to say put him to this m not to that one I'll pay for something some kind of connection maybe you could start saving your forget about this kid this kid is lost and he was able to connect with that and since then I realized it's a good line sometimes we're so pained. We are that Isaac that we cannot see past our child. Sometimes we are and we're not able to connect to that kid because the kid is causing us so much pain and so much anger and so much anguish. You know what? Don't try to save your child. Save your grandchild. connect to your child that's struggling and and misbehaving just so maybe you'll be able to one time or by one life decision this kid is going to make for their child they're going to listen to you and you'll be able to save your for many people it works for them they need to hear like who says you have to save your child save your one of The advantages of being a single parent is that you could just go to a mentor and have someone help you and guide you how to deal with your kip and you don't need to fight with your spouse about it. If it is already to fight but to argue if it is already how many times throughout this many one of the biggest is whenever there's a big challenge we all different genders a husband or wife and different pers no you have to be strict no you should do twisted parenting with this kid you should not you should too much you're too far and too little a single parent has that one advantage at least it's you and Everybody, you take a mentor. You must have a mentor. You must have one person or two people that you listen to that really are mumm in this field, not someone that's just a nice shiny eat. Someone that really knows how to deal with gifts. Yeah. Huh. How can I recommend someone that knows what they're doing, experienced person, someone that actually deals with kips for many, many years. I should give you names maybe privately and not on the camera. and someone that's been in that's that's even more Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. So, right. Yeah. It's true because because someone could be a mim and kips but they don't understand how a single parent and and and the struggles because as a single parent the children take advantage children across the board try try to find loopholes and to take advantage of the parents. Yeah. Yeah, but you told me yesterday a single parent have the children say they always know how to make you feel guilty to get things and a kid from a single parent uses every single leverage, every single loophole and they make you feel so guilty. I'm going to go back to Tati. Someone told me last night this kid keeps on telling him he he's the single parent. I'm going to go back to my I'm going to So, okay. No, no, no. Here you go. It's so hard to discipline these kids. Regular kids, let alone Kips. A kid in pain from a single parent. This is something that nobody in the world is going to understand. You was a single mother, a single father, how it feels. You're juggling so much in your life and you have to face every single day so much challenges and then you still have that that kid that knows how exactly how to manipulate every single part of your emotions. They know exactly how to make you feel guilty and how to and you still have to be strong and face and still and and we commit the kashi and we pushing you to be even more nicer to the kids and to give in and to be nice and h I understand you. It's so difficult and so painful to be that strong parent, single parent and to constantly but not but yet but is the wrong words. If you have someone that guides you or you have a certain person that you trust and you say you call them up and you say I need guidance am I doing the right thing? Am I not doing the right thing? What should I answer? touch it. Then I tried to do it to some people in my here and there that tried to reach out to me and what do I do now? How do I deal with this? I have it on a daily basis. Many many people reach out to me. I I I can't have 50 more people in my head. But I just don't have time. But there are many people like myself that went through divorce or remarage and knows a little bit about what a single parent feels or how children of divorce or you saw them feel, how they're able to and someone that deals with kips and able to guide you. But if you find that person, don't let them go. Even if they don't have time, send them a text message and call them and say, "Listen, I need guidance. I'm a single mother. I'm a single father. I need you to guide me. you needed to help me. Clalis is good people. There's a lot of good people out there. But once you know you have your mentor, you have your person, it doesn't mean that that person is always going to be 100% correct. But you know you're following someone. That's you know that you're you're doing you you're following someone. Everybody makes mistake. Do I know every morning when I club you? I advised someone wrong. Honestly speaking, I every day I dash everybody. So please first my position all of us have constantly people asking us advice but exactly but so I should stop answering people but maybe uh you know people ask me life or death questions on daily basis like what do you do? I I I I use my experience. I use my cycle and I d every single day and I ask the cycle to answer people. But should I stop answering people? You need to have someone and if you'll have someone to guide you, it's definitely going to be easier for you to to to to know that you their reassurance. I'm doing right thing and I'm following someone and that person doesn't have to be perfect. It could just be someone that has experience and I think that that's what's going to help. Anybody have a question on this topic? After this year, I I can't say names of of of people on on camera. It's just Solomon shared the story. He had a book in yeshiva in his class that was mameshames. Perfect kid, a perfectly leveled boy. He was always on time and learning and midas the a beautiful. One day he was by a sim and he meets a person and this is the father. He meets a person. This is the father of this. Someone tells him this this is this is the father. He goes over to him and he says your son is my of course I know says your son is such a masid never laid by a shear. He's always he's dvening as a dvening every I need you to tell me what is your recipe. What are you doing that you have a child like this about salamon as I need to know I want to I want to copy your formula I want to have that ingredients I want to come and tell all the people in the world this is this is this must be parents that are looks at him takes out a picture of his pocket and shows it to Matsu Salam and that picture was someone with huge here, a ponytail, tattoos, a nose ring, and he shows this picture. She said, "What is this? This is my other child. Did I create that good kids? Did I do anything? Look at these two grew up in the same home, same parents, the same everything. I didn't know anything. I cannot give you any formula and I can give you nothing. They used to say I once heard there's a woman of mi that she's she used to be a teacher of 100 years she has like these bumper stickers someone does so many years sometimes ma I like to listen to people that she once threw to me a lot she said yeah when a kid goes over to and the parents are this from said yeah you know this kid looks like this the parents were so from look what happens the Kid goes over to and the parents are these look of course they always they never listen to the system they always did everything wrong of course they have a child like this a kid goes over to from a regular neutral home they say ah they don't know how is all about it's not about results ever it's about arishadas It's not about the results. We do and Hashem does his work. We see people doing everything wrong and they have such children that grow up that shine the world and people that do everything perfect. If you are a single parent, there's nothing you could do to create a child to go off the D. And there's nothing you could do to bring back. You just do your If Hashem made you a single parent, you have less of a job. Do whatever you can. You didn't have a spouse. You didn't have someone else to to be a role model to the kids. It's up to Hashem. Hashem created the situation. The outcome is up to Hashem anyway. Can I empower you all of you? Can I give you permission to also be a parent even if you're a single parent to be sometimes take charge? Sometimes we have such a guilt in our head and we and because our kids make us feel that way. Y because you're a single mother, you're a single father, because you want divorce and that's why I look like this and as we said before, they're trying to use a loop. But you're allowed to stick up and say, you know what, no, this is what I do. Obviously, when I talk about kips stage four, where we say whatever mahalik you want to take with your child, it's your insecurity that you're a single parent. That's why you cannot stick up for what's right. Yes, you're a single parent. And if it's a regular child that just needs discipline, discipline that kid. Okay. So, whatever stage you are, whatever that kid needs, make believe you have a spouse at home. I spoke many times said yesterday for sister to sister for organization that has divorced women, for divorced men. I always tell them if you have your children at home, treat your children in that way. You give extra gifts, extra reinforcements, extra, you know, extra love. Of course, we should try to love them even more and try to But the discipline part, whatever you you're meant to do with that kid, whichever stage that kid is in, do the same. It's your insecurity. Your child wants you to be that way. Your child wants to feel secure. If a child grows up, a 10-year-old child, and and they know they have a single mother, single father, that's that they they sense us. They know that we're insecure. We feel like ah I'm I'm going I have a power and of a husband to support me a wife and and those children don't feel secure. They want to hear a no from you. Of course, they're not going to tell it to you. They're going to say you're so mean for telling me no and uh they're going to make you feel guilty and they're going to tell you that you're the worst mother in the world and you're you're you don't care about me and you're this and that. You don't understand me. When I go to yeshiva and to school and everybody feels so embarrassed and I'm coming home, he's still telling me that I have to go to bed on time. Guess what? They want you to discipline them sometimes. I'm not talking about kips that are stage four. Whatever level you're at with your kids, do it as if you're married comes to discipline. And do it whatever that kid needs. Extra love, incentives, gifts, and try to do other stuff to get them to to behave. Of course, you should do that. They need more. They're allowed to get more gifts. You're allowed to bribe them. So many people are scared the kids are going to get spoiled. You're allowed to bribe them. You're allowed to give a little extra. But the discipline part, they want you and they crave for you to do it. It's our insecurity. They don't want to feel that insecurity from us. They want to feel us as stable parent. A single mother could be and a single father could be very very powerful in a kid's life. You are the double role model. Yeah. Okay. For children of divorce, right? First of all, you as a mechanic should know the same thing. the the the discipline part of being a having a child from a divorce or child that's a you that lost a parent orphan the discipline part has to be the same like the other kids because if not you make them feel or they feel unstable but the extra love the extra connection the extra you know that you should do you have such an amazing job. Wow. Yeah. So I just want to know there are I spoke about this and other ones and it's it's on it's on cash enough she I don't know where on the website or like there are some sheet you'll see for single parents there are uh maybe you can reach out to second maybe you can reach out to sister you can reach out I'm going to try to get to you I'll connect you later different sheet that were given on this thing but I think in a nutshell you know everybody wants today in a nutshell and a bumper sticker and oneliner is the discipline has to be the same extra love and extra care and extra bribing, whatever you want to call it. Yes, that's it. That's where it goes. Yeah. Zero. I'm in this field. Zero. You don't force them. They're going to hate you. Don't do that. Every parent has to make sure that their child wants to come to them. And you talk to someone that that that I was on the other side of the story. You have to this is something that that's more for the women's sides that they're being. We know this story that exactly you heard that win the kids not the battle. It's a very good line. You have to never talk to your children against your ex obviously and all this kind of stuff but you cannot and they're going to call you to best and say say I did never spoke against and you should just know your children are going to hold you accountable 20 years later if you ever slipped I lived with this I raised children from the worst 20 years of my life almost never I I don't think I never slipped but 99% of the time you don't slip even don't talk against your ex nothing but you didn't have to encourage your children to go why Should you do that? If the other spouse doesn't know how to do it, that's his job or her job. It's that No, I I don't uh that's my take. Other people believe otherwise. And and I've been to the Titus with people and and even some told them, "What do you mean you have to encourage your kids to go to your ex?" I disagree with them. It's my opinion. Everybody can do whatever they want. My opinion is I don't have to encourage my child to go to my ex. No such thing. Let them do the job. Yeah. right? No, no. So, so, so, so there's no discipline left by you. So, there's only love and connection and relationship and keep on tell them how you believe in them. I just want to leave you off with this line. I have to go. I'm giving another sh 12:00. Um, we all know that our children, all of us need to be loved. We need to feel connection. We need to feel a parent or someone in our life loves us immensely unconditionally. And obviously this is this is the ultimate message from the shabas and from cli from everything. But there's something way more deeper and much more important that we need to feel is that people believe in us. People trust us. As many times as your child I love you tell your child I love you. Double the amount of time you should tell them I believe in you. I trust in you. I can see you being an amazing person and if it's a kid say I know you're going through your stages now but I know you are going to be something amazing keep on telling your child I believe in you and I trust in you that's even more than telling them that I love you and not only talking they should feel that you why are they not yes they are yes 100% you're amazing now it's true that's a thank you for saying that But after that I know I'm amazing now. But if someone believes in me that I could do more that's that's really what I need because what I'm doing now I'm doing amazing girl amazing girl amazing amazing girl get so this is something we need to give our children that we believe in them and of course we love them and we believe in them and we trust their future. Thank you so much. You've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by tora anytime.com.