Kesher Nafshi 9- Parents also need a break, But how???

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com. Someone asked me before if the title, you read the title of the speech today, if I'm promoting for people to become selfish. Vacation tips. Vacation tips. You got to show me when they tell you where to fly. Yes, we are going to talk about being selfish to such selfless people. Is that called like noral Mr. Nice Guy? No, continue being Mr. Nice Guy, but be nice guy to yourself also. The idea so many people that are not ex clear on the mahalak of Keshani and Afishov and all these, they think that they don't want to join the shabus and they don't want to join the trainings because they say it's too difficult. It doesn't make sense to I hear this constantly throughout the year. People tell me that you're forcing the parents so much and you putting so much on the parents that have to give away so much of themselves, destroy the family, destroy the kids, everything to save one child, they can't. Some people it's too difficult for them. So whoever did choose to come for Shabas, decide to come for Shabas or to join any of the classes, it means that you are really really selfless people. I wish I could make that mic a drop lower, but okay. It's it's okay. Yeah. The mic tiny bit. No, but it's it's staring me. Oh, this is the previous one's finishing already. Okay, fine. So, yes, we are talking to very selfless parents, selfless people. I just came back from Etsuran right before Shabas and we all know we sit on the plane and they give us the same training every single time and they have this stupid ass standing over there telling us if the plane is going to hit the water or the ocean what you have to the oxygen mask what did they say first put on yourself and then put on to your child. This is the shist today. Okay. Whoever has ADHD, it's too long. You can leave. This is the message. We're done. No, no, no. Not this. Okay, it's good. I think it's noise. It's good. It's done. Okay. So we are we're being told the whole shabas and every shabas and every training how to become ogarat with midas and giving away from ourselves and constantly being on the giving end. And so I figured that at the end of this whole Shabas all weekend, let's talk about giving to ourselves a most of us that go through this para but it's called the para going through the para we're drained financially. This is this is this is something that other people will never understand. people that are not in this para we are drained physically emotionally our marriages are drained our drained and definitely our finances and we think that if I have to start taking care of myself and recharging and refueling my own it's probably going to cost I don't know who knows how much money and it's just and not enough time I can't even leave the house you don't understand coming for this shabas we need to have someone at home and my other kids should move in and this should do that you know constantly being on top of everything that's happening there. How could I go away on vacation? How could I do something? So, I'm not here to promote vacations. Of course, it's a great thing. You know, whoever is able to sneak away even for 12 hours. Never underestimate a tiny vacation. We always think that we go on vacation, we have to go for 10 days, from one morning to one evening. If you're able to go overnight, you go to New Jersey, take out a hotel for one night, just space out of, and then come back. Never underestimate the energy and the co you're going to pick up from those few hours of just being a little whoever is able to. But it's not only that internally there's an internal vacation that we need to have is to expand our our cycle our the way we see and the way we deal with issues. Obviously it's very different. Men and women have a different way of uh dealing with challenges. which is in itself a great thing because if a husband and wife could discuss it and listen to the others perspective back and forth you come to real real clear understanding as the say there's there's bina right is on the right side of the brain now we know that's the right hemisphere and the left hemisphere is mish like used to tell us hundreds of years ago the right side the left side is when someone has a idea Yeah. Oh, you know what? Let's do this and that and let's and the bina is the other side that kicks and says who says how do you how is it going to work? There's mat, you know, how how's it going to how is it going to work out? And then the says what do I mean? We'll just do this and that is endless. It's like a big lofty ideas. It's coming up with something. B is more detailed oriented. The other part of that's every day. What is das? Das is the final conclusion. after had a very good conversation and you thought everything why you should do it or why you should not do it or men have much more women are much more ba and if you're able to discuss it the bina have a conversation the final conclusion is called das das is the had and he had g on the right side is on the and bin is on the gira being restraint is on the bina part of the brain is the left side and the right side and the center is always the balanced. The center of the center of gur is to ferris which is beauties understanding when to be when to give and when to give gura but all of these we need to take for ourselves also what's with us we need to be balanced for ourselves on one hand we are giving away from us again and again and we're doing and we're constantly 247 this is we are we work 247 sish there's no there's no loophole We are many people that were here for Shabas are telling me that I'm thinking you know who's who knows what's happening at home where we we work 24/7 in our brain. So where is the real chaos in our brain? Where is the real place where we need to go on vacation is in our brain. Das the balanced part of our brain is understanding that yeah we have to give we have to have we have to have the right side and expanding and endless and but at the same time we need to know when to stop if we don't take care of ourselves we are not going to be here for our kids we're not going to be able to give them I shared once the story I want to share it quickly with you again a story that happened to my family my mother is a first cousin He was a being a man from Flatbush. He got married. He fell into very very complicated and difficult very unhealthy personality disorder woman. Talk about many years ago. There was no there was no we weren't able to articulate names and but now we're looking back we know exactly she was probably some kind of narcissistic or borderline whatever it was. And he ended up divorcing. He had three children, three little one, three pits and he got divorced and she told him you're never going to see the kids. You know the whole story and he was went to court. He used to do jewelry. He had a successful business. He made custom jewelry. He gave up his pan and everything. He went to court and he was fighting all his life for years to get to see his kids. It didn't work out. She won. She's very very powerful woman. She moved to from to five I don't know where to place maybe to Queens. I don't know where she moved to. He never saw his kids. He went through many many years and he was and he didn't have pana and he didn't have nothing and he didn't see his children was so pained. So he was being alk was so he worked for the OU. The OU in those years they needed maybe still today they need mashikim and China for months and different places and they take these. So he was there for many many years here and there. Never moved on. Never got remarried. He was very and he was extremely extremely overweight and he was extreme he was he was a given up person from alazad. I actually remember by my bitzvah. I never saw him. He's my mother's first cousin. I never saw him in the middle of our mitzvah. A person walked in and and I said, "Tati, who's this guy?" He said, "I thought you have to this is mommy's cousin. He's the worst for years." Whatever. Sh. Okay. He worked in the homacel. Whoever of you remember, there was a homoatel over here in the mountains. He was a mish there. And one day, knock knock, someone knocks on his door. A young handsome lit shab standing by the door and he says, "I'm looking for Mr. so and so for my cousin." He says, "What do you mean that's me?" He says, "I'm your son." You can imagine there was a was and he started smooing with him and telling him says, "You know, Tati, I never saw you. I never nothing. I got engaged and my said, I'm not being yours until you find out who your father is." I need I need to know. I did research. I was told all my life that you're in a nursing home, you're invi I don't know what he was told. Brainwashed all his life. I never knew I had a normal father. And he's with and he realized that his father might my cousin was a zisa delicious vraen depressed but a a v a special nice person a good-hearted person and this boy started feeling so pained that he was taken away deprived from his father all these years he tells his father you know Tati I'm getting married you can't come to my wedding you know my mother is it's just going to create chaos but right after my I'm going to bring you my younger sister and my brother to come visit you under my my mother's not going to know about it. Few weeks later, he comes back, whatever it was. He comes back. He brings his other two siblings, his sister and his brother. And there was a reunion like never before. They were singing. They were crying and they were and then and then my cousin said, "You know, I still have parents in Burough Park." My great uncle, come, you want to come? And they came to Burough Park and all the aunts and uncles, the whole family came together. And these three children that were taken away from the family all these years, there was a reunion. The family, these three kids, the other two kids never ever went back to the mother ever. That from that night they stayed there. They they they couldn't you can imagine the excitement. I remember my mother telling me the story and she says that the cousins came and two months later punchline of the story. Two months later, my cousin had a heart attack and he died. His kids came back to him too late. He was already broken. He was already suffering from I don't know what heart condition. I don't know what he had. It's an extreme story. True story. An extreme story. Extreme example. But I figured this is sometimes you have to say a mushul an example to bring out our children when they're going to come back come back to their own brain they need us to be healthy vibrant parents they need to belong to a happy I know it's easy to say and hard to do but this is the goal this is the idea if you see that you're coming to a breaking point even if at the moment it feels like you're you're not going to be with your kid at the moment and they need you and you're not going to be with the other kids. Escape physically or mentally or something or reach out to therapist and talk to someone. Give out your P. whatever you need to do because our children when they're going to come back, they're going to need very healthy emotionally and physically healthy people, parents, a happy home. Some of you look at me like, "What are you saying?" Well, you know what's going on in my house now. You How can I be happy? What? What are you What are you saying? What? What? I'm allowed to say this. I'm a parent of a kid. I'm a parent of step kids. I'm a parent of many different Shem put me through my ownness in many different ways. I have a right to talk. I'm not the same. Everybody has their own para. But if we don't take care of ourselves, we are not taking care of our children. Many times in marriage or in second marriage and people come to me for shias and I draw three circles on a paper outer circle inner circle and another inner circle and I say the most inner circle is the most important the second the second's important the third the third one there's you spouse and your child who do you put in the middle circle yourself who do you put in the middle circle Huh? Come on. We're talking to Kesha Ni parents. You guys breaking the records. If I would ask this question in any other place other than here, they would all say your child is in the middle. And I think most of you said yourself is in the middle because I am if I don't take care of myself then there's nobody else to me. There's nobody else that I could take care of. This is in ris and gashmis and physically and emotionally. If I am hungry and nervous, my kids all suffering sometimes you should give your children to eat before yourself. But if you realize that you're going to be tipsy or nervous, eat something and then give them give them a tash. We all are so selfless when it comes to our children and we forget about ourselves. We forget about our marriage. And who do we put the second line? A spouse or ourselves or or our children? Spouse. But why? It's true, Emma. So the most important person in your life for you to take care of physically and emotionally is yourself. And the second to the most important person is your spouse and the third is your child. The children are going to be listening to this recording. What are they going to say? They went to Kashani. Our parents tailing toward the opposite or this is contradicting everything else that we spoke about the whole shabas selfless giving to the kids but if you are not you what are you what are you giving who is giving to the kids that's why this is important after the whole weekend this is something that we need to of course with selfless people I am I taking care of myself being selfless giving to the other but if it's not me my kids are not getting anything if If you're not taking care of yourself, your spouse is suffering. If you and your spouse are nourished, you go on a date once a week, on a date once a week where you close your phone, not on vibrate, close it. And that hour you go out and you talk not about the comp the problems in in that you need to discuss that you do anyway a few times a week, just to chill. to recharge your batteries, to refuel your energy, and to refuel and to reconnect with your spouse and to have a real united front to deal with that kip, to be selfless with that kip. Who are you? You're not giving anything. So, who benefits the most from that chart? the child. Our children benefit the most when we are taking care of ourselves and when we're taking care of our spouse. That's being selfless. So what are we promoting? Selfless. Selfish complicated. Yes. Exactly. Like this you're if you lose consciousness you're not going to be able to help your child. Your child's going to be true. So this is the idea that sometimes we need to look at ourselves and say where am I up to? Do I still have kayak? I need to refuel. Even if it's at the cost sometimes of a week investing in your kip or in your other kids or in yourself, you need to have your own. How do you say pain in what is the real touch of narrow ang? What's the opposite? What's the opposite of pain? Not pleasure. Pain is when you're you're locked in. You're you're you're bit sour. You're squeezed. You're there's nothing left to you. You're like a sponge. He's squeezed out. So there's no juice left. When the sponge opens up and absorbs again more, what do we say by benching? should make us expand us and give us a little more freedom, a little more bright from all of our from all of our narrowness and squeezite because the biggest sometimes means that you wake up in the morning and you meditate to go and think that they discovered something. know you meditate and they you wake up in the morning you should or zen or different things we meditate every morning we go to davin we meditate a few minutes some people meditate when they learn the davin some women meditate when they're when they're making breakfast for their kids there's so many ways to meditate to connect and to go introspective and say what is my mission today what am I doing where am I up to did I have enough sleep tonight I need to take care of myself take some vitamins do some exercise do something make Sure that if you have that's when you're able to start giving and helping your child from that sar basip means narrow-minded narrow feelings narrow everything that's ach they're they're besar a bar person cannot take out another bizar person someone that's in prison cannot take himself out of prison and definitely not someone else that's in prison someone that's free is able to take out someone that's in prison. So yes, we should be selfless and try to give and we want to be selfless. We're parents that our children would never understand what we're willing and able to do for them endless. But this is only after being a little bit practical and understanding that we need to also be nourished. We need to have if you're a you're not going to be m from from from I think on a practical level we need to try when you go home we're all going home soon and after beautiful shabas and speeches and everything we're all going home to face the music again but try to sneak out a few moments and sit down tonight if you have a few moments and make yourself a schedule like a chart literally like a chart you can do on your phone or in the I said this when are we going on a date? When are being those selfish moments? This is so not selfish but let's call it selfish moments in order to refuel and to have k to deal with our kip. If you forget about it, you just go on with life. It's not going to happen and tomorrow morning you're going to forget you. We have to actually practically put it into our calendar to remind me. Five minutes a day, every every 1:00, go out with your friends for a coffee. Everybody in the world, it's so hard for me to give ideas because every it's the small things. Sometimes we think we have to do something major. A could do so much so much. A few minutes. Reach out. Go whatever you could do. If you could join a gym, physical exercise is emotional exercise. And this is across the board. Everybody agrees on that one. And I know we all have a New Year's resolutions. Every year we're going to join the gym. And we have on our keychains the the gym thing over. We're there for two months. Every month is still taking out money on the on the credit card and say, "Yeah, no. Tomorrow it's snowing outside, but tomorrow we're going to go." You want to do for your kids a favor. You want to give to your children endless endless and love and a join the gym. Run on the treadmill a few minutes. Physical exercise brings up adrenaline and dopamine and all get the happy hormones and it gives us kayak to come home like a sat. Soldiers exercise to go out. We are all seldom. We are all soldiers. We are all Hashem's army. And if we're not going to do that today, sign up today. I'm promoting a gym. I'm kidding. It's a promotion. Sign up today. Some people should never go with a kavisa to with a friend to a gym because one day he's not going or she's not going. It's not going to happen. And some people need to have a not you're never going to do you need to know yourself. Whatever works for you. Get to know yourself and make sure my next you're gonna come and tell me I was every single week, twice a week in this. You're doing it. You're doing it for everything, but you're doing it for your children. If you don't take care of yourself physically and emotionally, it's not possible for you to be the great parent you want to be. a person to be hashem even for ourselves between us and Hashem is put from the mitzvah someone is someone is not physically well they don't have to what are you going to do a healthy person physically and mentally and emotionally person is able to be is able to do is able to do things. You meet up another person for the first time or someone that you know and you say who are you and where you coming from? You start smooing with someone someone getting to know the other person. So within a few minutes you know if you're talking you see on the person you see I'm talking to a 30-year-old a 50-y old a man a woman even on the voice and the phone call right you talk on the phone you could always say oh you're talking to a male you talk to female you talk more or less the age if someone is not feeling well you talk on the phone to each other you have a cold or you're not right away everything so we know right away the state of the physical of another person you meet to someone you know more or less their age of course it's a huge compliment to say you look so much younger I thought you're 50 or 60. Amazing. Well, fine. All humans. Okay, let's take it. But more or less, we know the age of a person when we meet them. But as we get to know a person even more, we get to see if mentally they're also the same age as their body. And then you see, oh, I'm talking to a 30-year-old person, but the brain I'm talking to 15y old ber sometimes. So there's the physical, there's the mental and then there's emotional. Sometimes you see a person that is physically 30, 40, mentally 30, 40, maybe even even more. Their mental age is even older. They're more mushive. They're smarter. They're more experienced. But then when you get to know a person deeper, deeper, deeper, you get to know where their emotional age is. And so many of us, so many people around us, their emotional age is way not in par, not in line with their physical age, with their mental age. Our children, they say, "What do you mean? I'm 20. You're going to tell me what to do. They always talk about their age. I'm I I I could drive already. I'm 16 in two weeks." People come that I deal with, it's amazing. They know exactly 16 and two weeks. And my father doesn't you know the you have to go along with your child to make the the license or the permits huh permit. So we're trying to help our children and they say like he's not giving me license. I want to be able to drive. And what are you thinking mentally? This kid is 11, five, nine. Yeah, he's 16. You're 20. I always say I wish in the mus it would work by stage not by age. As I get the gimbal, you go this this is a seventh grader, 12th grader. It's it's I'm serious. I really believe that it can't be it should be every grade should be according to what the child is up to. This is a Mishna class. You done with Mishna, a Gumuda class. You can't do it. You can't have a 15-year-old ber and together with nine-year-old kids. But three years up, three years down. If we go by stage, I think, why am I saying it? Maybe one of you will have a hashbu one day and one of the Mes. I really think that that should be but at home for sure we should be dealing that way. Sometimes we have to play to our teens and we have to tell them that we're treating them like you're you're an adult. You're mature adult. But deep inside us we know that this kid is emotionally or mentally in a much younger age. We need to know how to walk on eggshells. I don't know like to to step between the lines and say like yeah I trust you but I think it's you know I want to do it for you. I want to help you. because they are not in a place where they're able to. But this is the point. Many of us are 40 years old. We are mentally 40 or maybe more and emotionally 40 until we get in pain. When we are in pain or when we're angry or we're when a person is jealous. No. If you have jealousy, if you have any type of emotional stress in you, you're not your age. That's why it's so important to have a mentor. And when it comes to discussing our own child, I could be helping so many people and it come discussing with that my kip I discuss with someone else. always I have to make a major decision about my child this way or that way. I have someone that I call and I discuss with I cannot I cannot be there because in this matter I am emotionally not my age now I am mentally not my age it's not me now that's there are certain moments we are all mature adults and we we hopefully we're all our mental age and physical age and and emotional age is on par and it's always good but that's until there's a problem is constantly you see this in the to you see this in that we we need to know when we could trust ourselves when we are in a good place in a good state of mind yes I am I am who I am I'm my age I could trust myself but when it comes to something that's going to have to do with tavas or something that has to do with with withh any type of thing that takes you out of your that then you need from outside every person in this room. I'm I'm talking to sadik m such selfless people and we're sitting by a she talking about being selfish but we cannot trust ourselves to say that I am okay I don't need vacation I don't need to take care of myself I need to be here for my child you need to have someone outside of you to tell you sadik sadikas you guys need to space out for three days you guys need to you guys need to step out of the situation to be able to come back and help your child again. You're losing your own judgment. We're drunk of love to our kids. We can't trust ourselves at the moment and we say, "No, I could do this." 5 years later, you're shriveled. You're gone. To be the strong, healthy parents to take care of our kids. Sometimes we need someone outside of us to tell us. That's why I told the miller that I thanked him for and then there's a rumor. Okay, I don't want to say but they might be in a different place the next kashi. He's giving us a treat and you should all join just for otherwise you would never go on vacation. You would never leave town. You would never put yourself on a plane because we're so stuck as I said before financially and emotionally. We're here to save our kids. We become shik from ahava to our kids that we we forget to take care of ourselves and then ultimately our children are not going to have healthy happy parents to take care of them. So our children will be losing out. If we could have a mentor and tell the mentor, tell me when I need to back off. Tell me when I need my own space. Tell me when I need to go. Tell me when I need the vacation. And you listen to that person. How much money did most of us borrow and put together for these kids, these children are costing us? People outside of this room, people that don't are not in cash enough on this para don't understand. You have people that were so financially stable and the kip comes into their life and everything is chaos. people telling me here through this shabas and many other shabus that I joined paying a rehab here and a rehab there and it's mashai it's being recorded this video and people that see it anybody that's in a position that's able to help other Eden please reach out to the Kashani parents if you know someone that has a teen a child that's a kip you never know how much financial help all of us need. Most of us, if we want to be givers, if we want to take care of our children, that could only be if we are taking care of ourselves, if we are healthy and we're able to give them all the I want to read to you a quote. I'm sorry, it's on my cell phone. Some people don't go for it, but I want to read to you a quote. I just don't want to misquote it. And I and I'm going to conclude with this with this message. Switch from the words breaking my heart to breaking my expectations. If you have an expectation how a child needs to turn out to be, you have an expectation how a husband is supposed to look like. If you have an I didn't say hey Google. Hey Siri, if you haven't the biggest sad pain that a person has in this world is coming from our expectations. People always ask me is it normal? Is it normal? Means I is this expected by the community? Is this is this is this a healthy expectation? Is this the way we should this be this way? There's no such thing. Is it normal? There's no normal. There's no normal and not normal. Nothing. You're normal. I tell people this is your normal. This is the way your Shabas table has to look like. Is it normal that? Yes. In your house this is normal for now this is what Hashem wants your house to look like. It's normal. This is the normal. I don't care what the neighbor thinks. We have an expectation how our Shabbas table has to look like. We have expectation how we want things to be. And if it doesn't pan out that way, that's where all the pain comes from. So, I'm going to read it to you again. switch from breaking my heart, giving me pain, causing me pain to breaking my expectations. Nobody broke your heart. Your child never came into your life and thinking every single night, how in the world am I going to break my parents heart? How I'm going to make them sad and give them all the sudas in the world? I can't wait. You had an expectation that this kid is going to grow up to be the Madame Shik. It's going to be Surah Shane for the next generation. Mentioned Sudesh was from a Bela family. the literature by Yakos she opened up it was a new thing a new concept a maka idol school the opposition of the local some advocates in the comm there was there was you can't imagine what's going on you you're breaking misa of course she went her father went to few I don't remember all the details and a few different said we have to start having schools for girls it's a new world out there and otherwise they're going to fall to husk and to other stuff and there there's no people were throwing stones at the first gathering for the I don't remember who it was one of the sadik and one of the rebas that were there and he took one of the stones that was were there and he said this stone is going to be I think she yourself said it said this stone is going to be put into the tan for the next In other words, when we have a challenge in life, turn it into an opportunity. Turn it into it's not This was the idea. And this is exactly what's happening with Keshani. Many of us, if not most of us, have brothers, sisters, parents-in-law, mother-in-laws, parents, and telling us you're doing the wrong thing. You're ruining the whole family, and then you have neighbors calling you up and saying the whole block, and there's meetings behind your back. You heard that neighbor, they took in a dog to the house. You saw how that girl walks out in the street. Did you see that? And they come to you and they say, "You don't know what you're doing. You have to stop." happen. That's a stone that was thrown at you. You become the next. They should never be tested. But this is avoided because we're the beginners. We're in a whole new revolution. Unfortunately, there's thousands of more people that should have been here for Shabas. Thousands of more people should have been. We all have friends. I had so many people that I tried convincing to come to here or to the trainings or they're embarrassed or ambitious or they they they're not ready. They're not ready. Maybe t some people not ready. They they didn't take care of themselves enough to become totally selfless and to be able to give. Maybe tak nourish themselves a little more before they come here. Maybe I'm not judging anybody. It's very hard to be a keshi parent. It's very hard to being told keep a home kid while you're being bashed and pained by your neighbors and by your parents and and the saying that I'm not talking to you again. You can't come to our parties because you're going to bring along your kip. Yeah, you can't join this. We all know the stories. I have to but eventually we are all the sudishers of the next generation. I mean, until Mashiah comes, Alish Kim, but until that very day, we are the ones that are going out with a torch. We're going home. And as I said before, we're going to face the music again. And we're going to after all the nice douches and everything, we're still going to to we're going back to exactly where we were shabas, but we're coming back with a torch and we're going to be a light upon our nation. and we're gonna say yes, I am doing selfless love for my child. I heard a lot of speeches. I'm going to hear more. I'm going to educate myself more and this is the right thing to do and I'm here for my child and I want to say the bashm said Hashem is our shadow. The light shines in every shadow. Whatever you do, your shadow does. Exactly. Whatever you do in this world, Hashem does back to you. You don't judge anybody, Hashem will not judge you. Hashem is going to be in every hundreds of times this is mentioned. We are all kips. Let me speak for myself. I'm a kip also. There's part of me that's a kip. It's part of me that's I said before the say but it's the say in the one person there's part of us there's a that's we want to do what's right and we're totally connected to Hashem at Vik the highest level and then there's a part of us that's quite cynical is not always ready to do everything for Hashem we do have some points that are a little selfish, a little jealous, a little everybody has their midas that they have to deal with. And then we have a part in us that's a so that part that's in us that's a kip. Hashem sees the way we treat our kips, he's going to treat us. Hashem, you're giving endless love. The child deserves it. No, we give endless to our kids and we go out of our way. We do everything we can for their life. We destroyed our homes. We destroyed everything. We're giving. We gave up our dreams, our expectations to save to ease the pain of a yiddish. Then we could come out to Hashem and say, "I'm taking care of your kip. Take care of me. I deserve. I don't deserve. Look what I'm doing. I'm sorry. I said I'm going to finish it right, but I want to finish one more line. I don't know what the schedule is. I don't know what's something else next. What time is the next? Five o'clock. We did not come for Shabas. to bring back our children to Yiddishkite. Don't shoot me till I finish my We came for Shabas to be trained and to get on how to help our children in pain, how to ease their pain a little bit. This is why we came. We came to figure out and to understand the amount of pain that's in each and every one of our children and to ease their pain to make a little bit by giving ourselves taking care of ourselves as we said before filling ourselves up with knowledge and filling ourselves up with and to ease their pain. That's why we're here for Shabas. They didn't come here to learn how to bring back. So how you going to bring back your kids? You were there for Shabas? They were there two months ago. The the son is still walking around with the alpeas. When we see our child taking over the yarmaka, if that's the moment we realize there's an issue when they dropped yiddeshkite, we are way too late. Yiddesh kite is the last thing they drop. They were in pain many years before. I was talking to a kip this week. He told me when I was 10 years old, a boy writing diaries, interesting, but he told me I wrote diaries. It's a very girlish thing to do usually. He said I wrote such pain that I had on my parents. He never told them. They didn't know what's cooking in him. It was situation greatest parents amazing people I know them all of us do everything right and still it's so hard to know but when he took off his yama when he started going with girlfriends and his parents came running and sending him to therapy I don't blame the parents we don't we don't we're not we're not we're not in the VM we don't we can't identify we can't detect early enough sometimes maybe all of us should be advocates and telling people around us This child didn't look so happy. Make sure the child is okay. Serious. But we're humans. The child drops yiddish kite is the last piece of their pain. That's the last thing. And guess what? It's going to be the last thing to come back. I'm doing all kinds of things to get my son to put on film for five minutes a day. And I'm giving $1,000 a month. And I'll bribe them and I'm getting great amazing. But this is this this is not the point. You want to bring back Yiddish guy before healing him. This kid went to Kaid went to school. He grew up in our homes. He knows what he's supposed to do. He knows what a ye supposed to do. He knows what's right. He's not like old fashioned aas from 500 years ago that went to that is no. Even evolution is refuted today like what what agnostics what it's all pain. We are not trying to bring back our children to Yiddish kite. We are easing their pain. We're helping them heal. Their Yiddish kite is going to come flying back in a moment. The second it clicks in their feelings. Whatever it is, they needed more love. They needed more acceptance. They needed the parents to trust them. They need they needed to see justice on someone that betrayed them. whatever happens. But one moment comes and suddenly they're back. They're they're just they're just here. Most of them don't come back with long pies with fine. But they suddenly get connected to Hashem again. You never know when that click is going to happen. Hopefully very soon to all of our children. But do we know? And if you don't try to bring back the children to Yiddish kite, they're gonna get even faster closer to Yiddish kite because they feel and they sense when you're nice to them. Yeah, my parents are nice to me because they want me to become Shabas again. It's the worst thing you want them to feel. They feel the ems. Our kips are such sensitive. You can tell them whatever you want. They know the truth. So really tell yourself. And this is the emus. Our job is not to force people to become Hashem. Our job is to ease the pain. If someone is in put them in a mitzvah, we are not bringing them back to we're bringing them back to health to be successful in their life. I always tell these boys that I I just want to help you with the gosh. I want to help you find a job. I don't want you to fall into drugs into and I don't mention the word about and suddenly when they're stable and they find a job and they have no issue dvening I mean some of them obviously there's all kinds different levels every every every situation is different. So if we fill ourselves up with enough ammunition with enough tools physically and emotionally as we said before to be able filling ourselves up with knowledge and understanding as we had the whole Shabas of what is our mission what's our goal that's the moment when the Irish self healing is going to start coming in and the children are going to feel my parents are not here to bring me back tokite and they're not here you know what the next thing is for their embarrassment meant nothing some kids many of our kids feel that yeah my parents are embarrassed from the neighbors that's why you know I'm walking around never mentioned embarrassment the bisha even if they know it was still y and we still have those feelings but should help that all of us should have the co and we should have the cycle to fill ourselves up as we said for and physically and mentally and emotionally and in your marriage and whatever you can to fill yourself up with all the kas. Be extremely selfish in that way to be able to be so selfless when it comes to giving to our kids and give them everything you can that they should be able to crawl out of their sort. How do you stay? How do you stay so content? What do you What do you do to keep yourself with all the challenges, with all the opportunities? You call them opportunities. I'm calling. So once it's called opportunities, then it's not a question anymore. You talk me personally. Oh, me personally. Goes to the gym. Show my membership. You want to know personally? We have once could leave the shares over but I'll share with you. I I've been through a lot of challenges in my life as I've shared previous times. I shared everything but I'm not going to share everything now. I just we don't have time. I learned something that worked for me. I know it works for other people. We have a logical conscious or subconscious. Our subconscious is a little child. When we have a dagger, a worry about something, it constantly comes up on us again the whole day. Can't but what am I gonna do? My son is not engaged yet. What's or or someone that's that's look for that constantly living in it. Life has so much more to offer. There's so many more details in life. There's so many more folders. The folder that you're worried about is on your table all day in your face in your folder over here constantly. But what are we going to do then? We have 10 folders nowadays. Everybody has multiple. There's no family that doesn't have multiple issues to deal with. You might someh I don't know what it is but used to be here there all of us have many challenges to deal with and those few challenges the folder is open right in front of our face the whole day. Why? Because we believe by having it in our mind the whole time we're going to come up with a solution somewhere somehow and then we're going to walk out with weapons. But what happens really we don't become smarter. We become weaker. we become and all the other kids, all the other folders, all the other people in our life are suffering and nothing is happening and the house is depressed and and and you're not successful in business. You're not successful with nothing because those few daggers are in your face the whole time. So I learned it works for me. I put away once a week, sometimes twice a week because I have too much to deal with. once a week consistently, a specific time and a specific day where I sit down by hooker by crook even if I'm not in the mood at the moment to deal with it and I deal with those few things that I need to deal with. After doing that a few weeks, your subconscious, the little child in you is going to trust you. It comes up with what's going to be with what's going to be with the mortgage payment? What's going to be with that kid? What's going to be it goes away in the side says, "You know what? Don't worry, Tatty. Mommy, the adult in me is going to deal with it Wednesday 8:00. If you really do it a few weeks in a row, a specific time, dealing with your issues, your inner worries, your subconscious start trusting you that you are going to deal with. It's not going to of you again. I'm sitting in shield, right? We sit a shield. The men know this. We s you women think that we d six hours. We smoo after ding. What do you think? You got the secret. So after Dash this and that you like 15 minutes, 20 minutes, half an hour sometimes and I have my little I want to go home. I'm sitting like this and I said five minutes a minute. We're not finishing the conversation, right? We all come on back. If you tell your child, you see there's a clock and when the guys on or whatever, oh, we're going home. Your child looks at that watch, are you smoozing, it's oh, you actually leave the sh in the middle of your heated most important conversation which President Trump needs to discuss with you. The vict the politics and you drop everything. You leave because you promised your son that 12:00 you are walking home. One week, two weeks, three weeks, your child would never nag you again. You say in five minutes, he knows in five minutes. This is the way we need to treat our child, our I'm showing you here, it's not really here, but our subconscious. If you train your subconscious that you are taking charge in a specific time in a specific moment or by a specific person that we're going to deal with this and you follow through a few times, it's going to start trusting you. You're going to live mik and this is my secret. I have once a week where I cry like a baby. I said it on camera. Yes, I do. Not every week, but whenever it comes up, give it out. Thank you. [Applause] having a man that's divorced for a couple years and this that he said I said once a week an hour a week you are sitting with a on the sit down even if you don't know what you're going to do this is shak hour this hour you taking out your pad your book and you call back this half a year ago they said this name after the hour is up you close it done by every single moment of every single day thinking about shadik you're going to come engage better you're ruining everything else in your life I told this thing he said it changed his life and actually things started getting done because at that time sitting I still have 45 minutes to go what am I doing I don't have a choice hour he calls up another shim I know I called you already this maybe what's happened with that name with this name it's not always feasible and I know it's not always it's very nice it sounds like sometimes You need to try to get into this place. It's easy for men a little bit this mahalak then for women a little bit because women everything is connected. It's a little hard. It's a minimal back seat for some reason. But even for women it works in in a certain sense if you know it's just like you're going to therapy. Make sure you go to therapy the same day of the week the same time. It's really effective. You have whatever it is that's haunting you. Your fears, your worries, your problems. You know that your system knows Wednesday 8:00 is going to be the time it lets you live. Suddenly you're going to find yourself being happy being in the kitchen and singing and putting on a little music in your house and the be you're dealing with the diagnosis. You're dealing with it. If we train our subconscious, it's going to let us do it. It's going to let us chill. New word. Come on, chill. He's going to let us chill or chillax. Relax. Chillax. I'm learning new phrases slowly. But if you don't do this, it's constantly running after haunting you. And this is something that worked for me. I really hope that by sharing so personal, if it's going to help even one person in the room have a bissful may in the life, then it pays for me. So it's coming al. Thank you.