Kesher Nafshi -8- Can you be hurt by someone and still love them

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com. Married with my daughter in in 18 days from today. That's Hashem. Thank you. And uh we're doing the preps right before we left New York. We uh I was sitting with the uh photography, you know, for the wedding. And I told my daughter, "This is your boss." The whole the photographer owns the when he come when he go. So I have a photographer over here. He owns me. whatever he says now we can start to okay today's topic is probably something that all of us struggle not only with our uh children in pain with our kips this is something that we struggle in relationships in general in relationships there are this is a lifetime of struggles right of figuring out relationships One of the greatest things that we one of the hardships in relationships is can you still have feelings to someone that hurt you? [Music] The closer someone is to you, the more hurtful it is when they hurt you. Right? You walk down the street and a person that you don't know says you're dirty Joe. Right? If it's someone close to you, it tells you something about that that really hurts. So the closer they are to you, so nobody could hurt us more than our own children. Of course, there is our cycle and there's our feelings. In our cycle, we know that the child is in pain now and we know that the child is going through some kind of turbulent times and struggling, but emotionally, feeling wise, it still hurts. And what happens? Maybe someone could close the door. So if we could get so hurt by our own child, by our own spouse, sometimes it goes so deep. I uh on a on a on a in my practice privately, I work a lot with couples, marriage counseling, and sometimes when when a couple comes and they're so hurt on each other. He said this, she said that, he did this, he ignored me, he didn't ignore. I said, "You guys are so close to each other that's bothering you so much." When it stops bothering you what your spouse is saying, but it doesn't hurt you anymore. That's when you know you're in sudis. If it still hurts you, it still bothers you that your spouse uh said something or and it hurts you, that's when you know you that's when you know you really that you're still close. What happens when someone hurts us? Naturally, we got turned off, right? That's the that's the word. So, we have this couple come in and say that I was by my in-laws for Shabas. And my wife said embarrassed me in front of her whole family. She said this and this about me for a week. The guy is turned off. Aka he can't look her in the face. He can't smile to her. I mean the story goes both ways. And what happened? Got turned off. He got hurt. Feelings are turned off in feelings. We know you cannot have love and hate for the same person at the same time. It's not possible. You can't love and hate someone at the same time. But you could or we should be able to love someone even if we are hurt by them to still be able to love them. This is these are two feelings that could be simultaneous that could work together. I'm so hurt. Why you did this, why you said that? You embarrassed me or whatever it was. But I can still love you. I can still care for you. If the love if the word love means care, I can still care for you. The word love is a is a name of a feeling we have when we care for someone or when we feel cared for. Make sense? That that's the word love means. What does love mean? Love is a name of a feeling that when we care for someone so much, we love them. We get a certain feeling like a schmucka feeling. It's a very good feeling to love someone and to feel loved to feel cared for. That feeling that we have that this person cares for me so deeply I have a good feeling towards that person. That feeling is called love. But that very person that cares for me, hurt me by mistake, by davka, because of their shortcomings or something that I can still have the feelings of love towards that person. But in reality, we don't have that. Why? I think we could go back when we were little children. when I was a little child and I I was punished. I felt that my father doesn't love me now. I just hurt my brother, beat him up. So my father gave me a patch or whatever it is. They told me, "Go into your room for an hour." At that hour, I felt my father's angry at me. God, what did you do? I'm still from those people that got a lot of pet. And I had one reblim. I was probably like Kiml is what, six, seven years old. I was locked in the closet in the room literally the whole day and he used to knock on the door and said there's mice in the room and I used to jump like that. It was dark. Don't worry, I worked it out already. I worked it out already. One of the things I had in my list. So what happens is a child feels that you when you punish them or when you discipline them when we tell them you can't have this. If they feel that you hate them or you don't or you don't love them at the time, you're teaching the child that when they're going to grow up in our age, be adults, that they're also not going to know that it could work together. So, if I could tell my child, my son, my is hurting my my mate, the little one is beating him up, whatever he does, boys. And I tell him, you have to go into your room now for half an hour, for 45 minutes, you I love you so much. I can't wait for you to come out. But you are going into your room right now. And the next time you're doing this, whatever you want to, I'm going to have to I'm I'm disciplining my child while I'm saying and while I mean what I'm saying. I love you, but I need to discipline. You are not going to get this. You're going to have to wait a week to get this new bike. whatever you want because yesterday he was the mommy and I say before and after in the middle how much I love him and I tak care for the child basically I'm teaching I'm giving over a gift to my child when they're going to grow up and they're going to grow older they will be able to love their spouse even while they have some hurt even while their spouse did something wrong because it's not a sta it's not a contradiction. You can have both of those feelings. It's funny when I tell this concept to younger people that are in the 20s nowadays a lot of them understand what I'm saying which is a which is a good sign that the world is a little bit changing shifting from the better place. you in a perfect world. If you love your spouse, you're living together for many years, you care for each other, and your spouse did something that irks you again and again, and they did something. They said something, and you say, "I love him. I love her, but this this is driving me off the wall. I'm so hurt." But in turn, we all turn off. We get disconnected. And what happens is the whole ripple effect, the domino effect. It gets even worse. So you get turned off. So now you feel that your spouse is angry at you. So now you're and it goes on until someone comes in until finally something happens and wakes up. You know, come on. Where are we up to? Let's let's get back to the old self. Let's get back to the relationship. What happens? But it shouldn't be that way. We should be able to have again, you cannot have love and hate at the same time. You could be hurt. You have to switch it. I don't hate my spouse. I'm hurt by my spouse and I still love them for who they are and I still love them feel connected for everything else that we had all all the good times and everything that we share and if we are able to live that way it's going to be way much easier to deal with our own children that way. All of us in this room have so much pain from our kids. It's they they hurt us in every way possible. Our image, our outside, our people. They exposed us. And we all have similar stories but very different stories. And they challenge every part of our life. Mamesh, our gashm, our values, right? When dating with your spouse, you've decided this is my value. This is our value. We're going to in our house, we don't bring in screens. In our house, we do we don't do this. Everybody has their mish but exactly their technology and their and everything else how they want the house to be. We only fight in the bedroom. We don't fight in the kitchen. Yeah. And then comes this kip and everything changes around and the whole house changes and you the other kids in the house the skips we call them siblings of kips right the sibling of the kid in pain all of them are being changed everything is all your values go down everything changes they so there's nobody in the world giving us more pain than our own child just want to say kabula for 5 minutes kabula teaches us I don't know kabula that much but I learned and mish a few weeks ago I came across where he explains you know this midas right malus is a kanic who's a king a king is someone that has all the other midas they know when to when to do when to be kind, when to be when to restrain and when to a king knows when to have and when not to have everything in every person there's all the midas in the world is he says all the sadik throughout the generations that had midas suffered immensely from their children it's a shame I to bring along a copy of it. I I called up my son-in-law that's in my house now for Shabas moved into my my daughter and my son-in-law. I asked him that he should still be Shabas. It's on my desk. I want him to take a picture and send it to me and I'll somehow print it out. Unbelievable. And he says, you see suffered from his own child to such an extent. He goes he goes through all of them and he says in a in a I don't know how to in in in the world right before Mashia comes is the last mid the generation of before Mashia is going to come is going to struggle have so much pain from them all children so it's not something that we did it's something that was pre-ordained it's something that that Hashem put into the world why does mid have to suffer so much and why from your own child. Some things are black and white, good, bad, flyer, [Music] black and white. In malus, a mel is someone that has to be able to differentiate even in the tiny details in the gray area. Malus is biter ber right you're taking out something is called the good out of the bad this is our job what select selection select and separate we are living in the gray area generation of times and this is made I just want to like not to play that as an like okay so you're right so we're in that generation but not everybody's going through it all of us here Yeah. So, right. But like in the real world, then I'll go through it. Right. So, we'll talk about them in a minute. Okay. Let's let's see what they're up to. In the real world, good. Good. You're right. You're right. And that's that's two things. You have to go to real pain. There's plenty of pain. But we are we are we are the sadikim. We are the sadikim. Okay. That's nice to say to make us feel good. But I'm just saying this the No, it's not to make us feel good. I'm in the same situation. I was advocating. But we are not trying to make us feel good. We're trying to understand what's happening. But we're going to go back to practical. We're talking Kabula now. We're middle of a kabula sheet. No, they're not. No, they're not. Okay. It's being recorded. So, we have to No, you can ask questions afterwards. Try to people going to be tuning in and and and too many questions. So, let's let's we afterwards we'll talk everything. I'm here the whole shabas. So, let's just finish the we go back to practical. So the bashto teaches us that the middle is a mel is someone that has such such ability to able to separate even things that you're not sure if this is culture or not this part yeah but this part no this to be able to separate the garra says of n if you don't have ds you can't separate the more ds you have the more you have the more you're able to separate even of something that's oh this part is okay this part is not okay for a little child we don't do it we say don't talk to goya goya Right? What do we say? Go they grow up in school and hide it. But we grow old. We say, "Okay, you know, we're able to separate this part." Yeah. They partners the more das you have, the more you're able to separate. So we're in a in a in a in a in right before according to this from the bash of another other is that we are in a place which is called and the people that have malus are the ones that have to we were given these nishas to help us mish question every single core value that we have and we have to stretch ourselves and try to separate partnish. It's like it's it's it's very complicated. And he brings out over there that this is this is the reason why we're having a lot of from our own kids. He said because a child is actually you. Our children are part of us. That's why we're so pained when a child has physical pain. We're in pain. They have emotional pain. We're in pain because they're us. So this is the mirror that we have to make. This is something that we have to separate. There's more choice here. Back to the I just I just want to say I'm so glad you brought it up and this was one of my questions why I don't know what you are about like there has to be something going on on the spiritual that's exactly what's happening and there's something called there before Msiah comes and I think and this is it I really hope I'll have the copy of it I'll I'll share it with throughout Shabas the um the main point is Now that we are living this generation, we're living in a place where we have children that are giving us and they're questioning every single core value of our life and they're making us sift through sift through the fine grains of every piece of sand. This is a diamond versus this is a painful process. Beer is a painful process. And this is this is what we're doing. And one of the things that makes it so hard for us to do is because we are hurt. We are humans. We are we have feelings and my child is hurting me. What we select? Huh? What we select? What are we selecting? It used to be it used to be in every way of our life. It used to be that this is good and this is not good. Right? If your child is coming home, a child has that just started uh slipping and they and their friends have smartphones or whatever. So, so you're going to give them a tablet without a filter, without a filter. This is okay. This is not okay. This movie, not this. As they go, as they go deeper, you're going along with them. He's suddenly starting to separate. You know, so many parents were sharing with me different things. Dishabas in the previous was telling me last night someone says that I I just made a CM with my with my child a whole TV episode that have 180 I never knew there such long TV episodes 180 uh episodes and what is the whole thing called series so he's making us see him his child wanted him to do it within and he said that was his the only way he was able to connect with the child the child was in the basement not talking to him the whole time until he offered him I want and he was so excited to share with his father this and he said see this guy now he was sharing with him this actor and now he's doing it and that's what built their relationship that's I think that's why gray is so in no everything we're in the gray area in life with the gray area and natural people stripping over the sheetrock and you're going to fancy the restaurant there's no roof there's just the beams people want natural truth gray area it's it's interesting how it it pans out even in design that in you know where we're living in how do we love someone that hurts us I think we should start with the Hashem chose us always says I don't know which it says it from but that Hashem took us out of the when we were in the meat I don't know what that means exactly, but it was the lowest level that Cloud ever was and ever probably will be. So he asked why didn't Hashem take us out a few months before still level number 40 was like 49 level number 20. He says Hashem took us out to me to show us that it's not because we are good. He wants us even when we hurt him. Even when we do everything wrong, we spite him. The relationship between Hashem and has nothing to do with our performance. It has nothing to do with our grades and our marks. It has nothing to do with that. If you love someone, if you care for someone, yeah, we have to deal with the problems. We have to deal with situations. We have to fine. We have to ask Hashem says it explicitly straight up. This was after the after did everything wrong. I once told someone that came to my office see your boy he's an atheist so his father sent it to me that I should uh you can imagine how deep he was probably as shallow as it could be but he said he's an atheist so we're talking this and that the different questions and he said that uh why does Hashem cared if I have a tissue in my pocket and Shabas you're your so shallow so like what does he care about tissue in the pocket you do something big. You kill someone. I say it's I get it. Don't steal. Don't hurt. Don't It was I said you're so important to Hashem that every small thing that you do, he cares. It's two ways of saying it. In a relationship between Hashem keeps on telling us why you could be hurt from someone and still love them. And I think the best way to do it is to say it. Say it to yourself. There's an interesting thing. It says, "I believe because I say it." That's says our subconscious is constantly listening into our conscious and to know how to feel now. So if our conscious saw something scary and it says, "Oh, you're in danger now." Your feelings go into danger mode and it makes you act that way. Right? It's thoughts, feelings, behavior. You had a thought. You go shopping in Walmart and you hear explosion and you see some smoke the other side. Your brain just said, "Hey, danger." Your heart starts beating and what's your behavior? You run, right? Or you fight a flight. The fight guy is going to run try to see what's happening there and fix it. And the flight person is going to run out of the store. But our behavior is going to be a result of our thoughts. Our feelings constantly listening to our but it listens much more to words. If you say it, I am safe. Say it. You don't want to look crazy going to the other room. I'm okay. This is going to pass. It goes much faster than just thinking it's okay. Our uh subconscious, our feelings are a little slow. Slow. It doesn't doesn't you have to tell it. So if you tell yourself, "Yes, I love my spouse even though she or he just embarrassed me or said something that hurt me so much. I still love the person. I'm hurt. I have pain with the person, but I still love the person." You're going to see you're not going to get turned off. Try it. We all have it throughout life. Many, many, many times. Say it to yourself. To yourself. Say it to the other person. Also, even better if you're able to. But if you tell it to yourself, you are going to be the emas. You're going to see this is this is I tried it a million times. It works. And every person that I told to do it say I love my spouse. I love my child. I'm hurt. I'm pained but I still love the kid. I always tell my kid, grab him by the shoulder and I say, "There's nothing in the world you could do that would take away my love from you. You could hurt me. You can give me pain. You can take away my night sleep. You can take away all my dreams. You can do whatever you want. There's no way in the world. And when I say it, I mean it. And my subconscious, my feelings hearings. Listen, it's interesting. It's very connected to the ears. and attack feel that way. I am able to love my child even if they hurt me. And I want to tell you something. I'm on camera so I'm not going to say everything but throughout Chabas if you want I'll share more. But what I went through with my kid the last few months you can't imagine. Do you see them? I love that kid. What is the think the first thing I was thinking when I was standing by Shiman or when I was by the Kisel yesterday in the morning? We ding for that very kid that's hurting me and patching me up. We love them. And we need to know that it works. That you could love someone and be hurt and in pain. It's okay. And you don't have to lie to them. This is this is the statement I just said. Not everybody agrees with me but this is my you don't have to lie to them because they know that they hurt you and my is you're allowed to say so you're very hurt but yes I'm hurt but I still love you it's my journey don't worry you don't have to lie to them and say no I'm not hurt it's good I love you unconditionally and and I yes we love them unconditionally but we could be hurt from them and they're allowed to know that they hurt us and they know they did our children know exactly What I do that hurts us crossed my mind. The was from the and he says right before Mashia is going to come the shumas are going to come down from all the generations the remnants from all different eras in history are going to come down now from the ra from all kinds of nishumas from all over and it's going to be given to the sadikim to the people that have midas and Children are not going to have to match the genes of their family. Till a few years ago, every it was very predictive. You were able to predict this child grew up in this family. Child more or less was the same nature like the whole family like the father like the mother maybe the same. Now you have children some of us have kids like where did this kid come from? Like like nothing. Maybe some resemblance the nose looks like the alaba but that's it. their nature their they got the same nurture like any other kid in the family and the nature can't we were all born believers where does this kid come from if I wouldn't learn this from it it hurts double and I say okay this is meant to be while we're in that sura while we're in a problem it's not possible to see the reasoning. If someone is is going through torture, they cannot see it, but they look a few years later, they look back, they're able sometimes, not all the time, we're able to to put it together. My Zida told me, I had a Zida, my father's father, still have the numbers. He was 100 years old when he passed away. He was 98 years old, healthy to the last minute of his life. He told me, I asked him once, he was 43 years old after the Holocaust when he got remarried. My age basically a year younger than I'm now. He got remarried to my grandmother and he had two children, my father and only in a so maza told me I asked him how did you survive the war? Are we able to Hitler killed his wife, his first wife, two children, he owned a business to sell carriages and sewing machines. I don't know what the two have in common, but for some reason, I guess they all had wheels. That was his business. That's how it worked. And he had a store. Everything was taken away from him. I said, "Zidg, how did you do?" I was going through my own life than a a struggle. And Maza told me because I went through before the war. I was able to he was he was a little kid when his father was drafted to the to the war world war I he lived with his mother and his one brother Nafullah there was a Russia flu his mother died while his father was in so he had his brother and they went to live by the aunt a year later his brother Naful later Kipa died him alone living with his aunt his father came back got remarried married. The new wife did not like my grandfather. So he was kicked out. She went again to live by his aunt. Finally got married. The wife took kids. Hitler came and chas. So Maza told me that he asked the question why me before the war and it was and he took it. But he said because I had why me questions before the war. I was able to ask why me after the war and say why me? Why did he give me such a good wife? He had a shul bias. I had a role model. I'm very lucky. You can't imagine what a relationship my baba zaid had. They lived together almost till 100 from his 40 till his 98. They unbelievable aava that they had between them. It's unbelievable respect. It was beautiful. My father told me he was a little kid. They role models happy person. My was always smiling as he cement. She was always my father Za said because I went through when I was young I built up all these antidotes how to call it and resilience resilience resilience and I'm scared to use that word lately because people say don't tell me I should have resilient children I heard it too much so you know today people are very sensitive with certain words but yeah the right word is resilience and yeah what do you do about a child who doesn't like hearing I love you, doesn't want doesn't want to get hugged. He just like whatever. Okay, it's a very good question. I I think that the answer is the five love languages is not only between husband and wife, it's between parents and children. And if a child doesn't want to hear I love you, that means act of service. I don't want to hear it. Show me. So that's what they need. Don't force the words I love you on that. Some kids hate when the mother hugs them and kisses them. They hate it. They reject your acts of service. What? They reject your acts of service. You give your child 100 200 back. Right. That that's an No, they don't want to take it. Not angry. Okay. They don't want to take it. Could be could be or because they don't want to they want to they want to become independent. They want they don't want they don't want to take they want to become independent. They want independency. This is one of the the things in their journey that it it doesn't mean you it's them. instead this is the avoid the avoid that we have is to understand that this was pre-ordained this whole gashf has nothing to do with us it's so humankind it's a human condition to go blame and with every person that I spoke to telling this shabas and previous and previous and previous always I know when it happened it happened when I was when when when she left school and that teacher said Listen, it's this kids. This kid had to go through this journey regardless what you would do. She had bad friends. There would be other bad friends. I should have cut her off from this friend. I should have universal universal from that. There's no way that you can stop it. I didn't say you can't stop it. I'm saying if it is, you can't pinpoint where it came from because it had to happen. Why did it have to happen? Why did it have to happen? because wanted that this child should go through this journey. People make mistakes. Good. Very good question. I I oh so so let's go to let's let's talk about it. We say every morning mistakes who understands? He says Hashem makes us do mistakes because he wants the world to go in a certain direction. I just gave a sh last week from the bashto and the para I think it was vu and he said hashem makes us do a virus sometimes he wants the cha afterwards all of them they were forced to do something wrong so yeah I did something wrong this children that's what happened to them right exactly They still have to go through that journey. A child that needs to go through a turbulent journey is going to go through has nothing to do with what you did wrong. You want to go to you see this is a huh many times they don't have no everybody's start somewhere else. What's until this happens and then No or they have to see that you don't have it's maybe but but I I have a different thing maybe but I think that is in different levels one person has a if they should eat kosher or not and the other person has if they should steal or not every person has in a different place I don't know where someone else's biker is I know where my biker is says that you should never judge someone else because to me nobody Nobody has I have I have a choice what I should say now what I shouldn't say now it's my to but to me you you're not a that's the easiest way to be done that's the easiest way to understand that again nobody has someone else's right you don't understand where that other person has I don't know where your is yeah but I know where my is I know I could choose not to walk away I could walk around I could this is my I could choose not certain things but to me you don't have you didn't have I don't know I don't know what your you to yourself you need to know where your bik is I don't know see this this is a very very interesting thing because I don't know if you know the the history that was the against the against originally was exactly this but from nagdum from the old mnagdum today there's no magdum there's no cloud is But in those years in the history there was they didn't understand why the bashm were being of someone that's choosing to do something wrong. The bashtoid were being of yeen that were doing things wrong and all the others and the neutral yeden were against it. What are you doing? The person has heal what do you mean you're going all these stories from the from the bashto he came running to the he said rabbi I was caught stealing and they're putting me into prison gave a b and the police forgot about it he was and then again and again and again and again and again till the bashant passed away the gun was caught again stealing and he came running to the to the to the meag that took over the bashant he Rabbi, I'm going to go to jail. I says, look, so Gambit got out to jail. And he said, you don't understand. You're not like your Reb. Your Reb took me always out. He said, this time I'll do it, but I'm not doing it next time. And he dabbed for him and the police forgot. That yeed became one of the biggest talid from the mag. The story is given over by by the balbas, I think. And it was given over not to say whichb is this person because people are going to judge him. to me I would I would want to know a person but became a sad is even bigger but that's so what does that mean that means that brought something to the world a message Hashem wanted this message to come down to the world to understand that sometimes people don't have they don't have choice you know we know sensory right people are touch sensitive people different types of things. People have what what's the name of the diagnosis? People that um misophonia they can't take when someone swallows the eats or makes noise with the slippers walking irks them. These people chose to be that way. They didn't choose it. This person it irks them. So to us other people don't have we have to try to raise our children as much as we can until they become or good or they turn into kips whatever it is. Of course, we have to try to help them with their they should choose, you know, we have to educate them, try to give them, but we can't judge. We can't it doesn't doesn't work that way. And this is something that we need to know that KV is a few hundred years old and a lot of things changed ever since. I don't know if you know this from the Alias was also like 200 years ago. There was a a few suicides in his time and they I don't know if you know it before. It's called mabadas. If someone takes their life in the olden days, you didn't sit shiver for them. You buried them outside of the cemetery standing up. It was why? Because if someone took their life was an was the greatest indication of the biggest apocus ever. You don't believe in the world to come. You don't believe that everything you're going through Hashem wanted you to go through. It's apocus. It's it's the greatest disclaimer against Hashem. You're not part of your madas. So they came to the and they said that this person I don't know jumped out of the window there's no such thing and we pass until today till mash is going to come there's no such thing as anymore it's emotional issues it's pain it's not says there's no such thing as he never heard ever since that should be buried whatever the same thing is with kips and the same thing is with everything else. Things changed. People are not able to put on film every day. They have an issue with it. Issue. I'm not even talk about I once had a a boy that came to me and he says I didn't put on film in I don't know 7 8 nine years whatever he said. And I didn't ask him and I said it again. So he want he wanted me to ask him why. So I asked him why. You know what he told me? He said he was bullied by his reb was embarrassed in front of the holy yeshiva while he was wearing his film something said ever since he got grossed out he can't put on film you could come and say he has bakira you could come and say that he could choose to put on I once had a kid that came to me parents came to me that their son was was he was still in shukan he was starting to slip out of the system and doesn't want to wait situs shal not titus And maybe you could talk to him because this boy used to come to my house. He used to be nice to him. So he came and uh he said you want to talk to me about sittus. I want my parents to to be here. So I called on parents. We're sitting had a shul in my house. We're sitting over there together and I was talking about situs. And the father said I don't that's such an easy mitzvah. Why did you just put on situs? Maybe you could explain to him why you should put on situs. I said he doesn't have to put on situs. Why do you have to put on situs? And the toy says if you have a bag that's four corners, you should pronounce this. You don't have to. I was going all my tricks in the book. It did not work. And I said to tell me what's going on. I walked out of the room with him and he said that he was terribly molested by someone by one of his rabbis way back and he said he was holding on his titus and he was told that tits is a sh. And he said, "Hashem save me." And Hashem did not say I was holding my tits and nothing happened and again and again and again. You think Hashem wants him to wear tiss I've had someone in my office that came recently. He became OTD by 31 years old. His wife tried working with him for a couple of years and they separated. They got divorced. Valva most beautiful divorced. Children coming going. He came to me mamish recently and he said, "I saw your videos and your stuff. I want to start talking with you about Yiddish. I want to challenge you. I want to I want to I want to redo it." So I asked him, "Are you Taka ready or maybe you need another few years? Just just come back when you takers were so pressurizing him. He did have a few questions. It came out when he was a teenager. He learned that the tapisha in barak and was a very good learner. But he had shakashes. He had certain things and you know don't ask his parents got him married so a few years later it came out but now it came up with vengeance it came up with the rebellion against his children are suffering and sometimes our kids are going through the stage now as painful as it is let it be now okay some of us have takar kids are going through this but sometimes certain Kids need to go through. I had a girl that told me, I'm going to say in a nice word. I need to be violated once in my life to feel alive. Some people need to have pain to feel alive. They're so numb. Obviously, I got out of her. She was very hurt as a young kid. Obviously, she numbed her feelings. So, she wants to feel. She can't feel. She bites herself. She doesn't cut herself. She bit herself to feel alive. She says, "I want once. I want to." We can't go through their journeys. We're just here to ease their pain. And as I said yesterday, we did not come over here for Shabas to figure out how to make our children from. We came here for Shabas to figure out how to ease their pain. We are when you run call, you don't ask. We are at two calls. You know what I did this morning? I want to confess. You know what I did this morning? I took out my phone. I was looking at my camera in the front of my house to see if my kip didn't run out middle of the night. Such a dog I have sometimes who knows where she's going. We all know this. We're living this. How can we make our children go through their journey with less pain? This is the reason why we're here. How can we love them while they're hurting us? And yes, we could love them. It's not a contradiction. We could love them. Hashem loves us. Hashem loves that Kalina said, "I wish I would love the biggest saddic as much as Hashem loves the biggest." To some people, the statement sounds so queer and and odd, but if you if you look deeper, how what a beautiful V this is. Is there such a thing as Arusha? The would have said if I would be with that person's jeans and that person's childhood and the same classmates I would look worse than that person looks now that person is a sadic they are sadikim sometimes we're wondering like this is probably the worst of what we suffer the most is that where did it happen we this kid had a perfect life let's say or sometimes we're lucky we're able to pimp pinpoint something to have to blame. Oh, it was it was that you know, huh? Ask Hashem, not me. But I understand the question. I understand the question. I need to be worried about my ganide, not about someone else's gan because I cannot know. It's not possible to me. Everybody's going to myself. I'm standing before him. Hipper and I know exactly which alkite I need to 20% of it 80% of it 100% of it guilty I know my alites someone else zero not my spouse not my child and not my sibling no one to me every year there's a sadic I'd have to be mash with every saddic different types of people there's a story used to call his his drivers of used to call and he said you know I was thinking I have a daughter you have a son you always call me sadic you're sad let's be mashik said you sadik like you and I but you don't have to do business with every you don't have to trust every sadic but really there are sadikim because they are the ones that are suffering Some of us have the ability to be in tune to other people's feelings. Some are able to have it more, less. I know for myself, I speak for myself. I have radars. I know how every person feels. It's crazy. And I know that Kips are the ones that are so sensitive. They feel they feel how their parents feel about them. And that itself hurts them. And that itself makes them be even worse because they're so angry at themselves. for giving causing so much pain to their parents and this in itself tells them I'm even worse than I really am. And that's what helps them go even further down. So what are we here to do? We're telling our child don't worry. I'm a big kid. I'm just here for you. I'm strong. I know. Yes, he caused me pain. So doesn't matter. I'm good. Don't worry. You don't want them to get into that spiral of getting worse. Some people get bad for being bad for being called bad. You know, people, we have to stop that cycle sometimes and tell a child. Okay. If you're in the house, if you if you're around them and and they can pick up, you're trying to be like the healing influence, right? But then you're saying that just the fact that they're in your full environment, they know they fail. So, isn't that a contradiction? Right. But if you could tell your child, it's true. But if you could tell your child, every person in this world does some struggles. This big reba by the corner, this rub by the corner, this rabbit over here, she has struggles just like you. She's lucky her struggles are not public. I had a phone call. You got It's crazy. I had a phone call. I had struggles. I have struggle. That That's true. Even better. Even better. Someone called me up anonymous. He booked an appointment with me online. It's an interesting email address. It was a phone session. He tells me I'm a person from this and this talking to me morning to night. I give every day morning to night for people. I'm a big m I have things I didn't put on film for 3 months. I'm the biggest hypocrite in the world. I searching for years. I'm a torture. In the outside, I'm one person and in the inside I struggle with shabas and film. These two things I struggle with. And he saw my videos. I don't know somewhere. And he said, "You're the only person I want to talk to. I I I didn't ask him his name. I'm not a curious person in that way. I'm curious in knowledge, not in people." And I didn't care. I spoke with him and I was telling him he was a he was a Tom. So I was sharing with him and I told him I don't understand look at these swam sh behind you just start taking out if this is your struggle it's just like someone else struggles with with you can have as a person that's worked out and everything and this is your writes the kadish of pi writes that if a person did the biggest a in the And a minute later he wants to have and he says I'm going to have I'm going to have you know what I just did and he doesn't have a he says this is epicus yiddish kite is not all or nothing we have to try to be all we have to try to do the best we can it's not all or nothing and this is what you could tell your kip be open to them you're struggling with this sineas is your issue and I have a very good friend of mine that wife struggles with senior regular woman. She grew up in the basakova. She struggled with senas like terrible like aunt. She's the greatest mother, the greatest wife. She's she listens to shuram all day. If someone else doesn't have the struggle, they could judge her. Who are you to judge? Why do you know the struggle? How do you understand someone else's struggle? People are addicted to spec certain things in their life and they label themselves as a I'm a bad person. These are old-fashioned way of thinking. We have to stop it. We have to stop this way of thinking. You're a sadic in this and you're struggling with that. What's this? What do you mean? Why? Because we went to and we told with this mouth that you talk you're going to dab. It's the worst statement you could tell your child or you could tell yourself. The biggest people in the world struggle with certain things otherwise what are they doing in this planet? Exactly. So why are we taught that? What why are we taught that as children? I don't know. I have the same question. Why why were we ingrained all those things and then we we raised our kids that way? True. So then but that's why you're here and all of us because us we are the ambassadors from Hashem and the world is learning from from us the whole world is shaking. There's there's there's the latest talks had interview uh it's talk show whatever it is was interviewed I got so many folks but he mentioned my name by mistake whatever it happens to be he mentioned my name over there and so many people called me up what is it that I have a struggling child I said come join next shabaton we're going to have kali says that over 2400 people went through kashanashi since the day started different people not a few times attended shabatons and events And this is nothing. It's not even a fraction. So we are going to change the world. Hashem chose us. As painful as it is for us what we're going through, you're going to go home and tell your sisters, your friends, your neighbors to start teaching the kids to be the best they can. You grew up in a you were told some of you were told that you should be like you have to strive to be mobi and saidisha said I'm going to come up in shine they're not going to ask me why weren't you they're going to ask you were you the best possible so then we trained in yes we are trained in and many of those coming to the trainings of kashi t because of this we should be scared to smash the I know smacking is a different conversation, but why do you speak always about the pain from the children and not from the pain from the parents? Of course, because that's so a given, our pain. If we would start talk about our pain, there would be water running out filling up the caneras another 10 ft of water of our tears. If we would talk about our pain now, I think got quite a bucket yesterday. He has a whole he could fill up a ocean came up from he was able to see what's going on and he said he came up and he sees work is sitting and crying and he says why did you go into ganed you were doing everything right in this whole world you didn't stop what are you doing here he sees he says what mean you don't see this ocean over here I said what is this ocean this is a lake full of water he said this is tears from says this till doesn't this doesn't get dried out. I'm not going to Grenada. I have nothing from the whole Grenada. That's a sadic means someone that's ultimately extremely selfless. That's what my definition of sadic is. I think all of us are so look that went through. Yeah. This is this is the sadik. Sadika is someone that turns selfless. We are the most selfless people in Kalis. Do we have a choice? Do we have a choice? We don't have a choice. Anybody? Did we choose this? None of us chose it. Hashem chose us. He grabbed us by the air and he says go. You take this nish. You take these two nishas. Some of us have three nishas. Five nishas. I'm living this on a daily basis. I know exactly how all of us feel. And we all want to go home and have that magic button and say, "I'm a hero. I could I can handle this. I'm not going to have any pain anymore. I'm going to deal with this kid. I mean, giving the button to heal the child that we gave up already that that we know it's not a button, the magic button, but at least we should walk in there and but yes, we're going to come home hopefully all of us with and realizing that's not us. It's a mission. There's something happening in the world. That's there's something Hashem wants certain to come down now. Certain things have to be done. Why me? I don't know. But I do know if we have why me questions down the roads. I want to share with you something personal a second. I was in London two years ago. I married off my daughter. And I was in London. So there's there's a few organizations that have speakers coming. So they asked me to come speak in in in gold. I spoke somewhere. I forgot the name. Is it from London here? Which what is it called? No, no, they have some they it's reached out to me. Whatever. So I spoke nine no whenever I spoke a few of the places and I and Sh was dancing by the man comes over to me with a big beard. I didn't recognize him and he says do you remember me? I was your classmate. So his name is his name. Oh like got married to London 30 years ago. I haven't seen him. And he tells me, "What happened to you, Deisty? I hear shearing from you. I hear this and that. You're running this organization, that organization. You were a quiet boy without What happened to you?" I said, "Do you know anything about my life since since I got married? I'm a second marriage. I went through divorce and children, alienation, the whole." And he had no idea. I said, "That's what made me. I can't pinpoint this sorrow created this. It pushed me pushed me to start thinking and seeing the world different. Would I choose this? No. But Hashem gave it to me. At least I'm turning it into I'm trying to to do the things that my wife also. She's also doing we all went through and while we're going through something we can't say but all of us our grandchildren are going to thank us. They're going to have great abas and zas selfless people. Sadikim I want to tell you something. Every person in this room, your face is shining. You know what makes a person's face shine? Selflessness. Selfishness dulls the face. I mentioned selfless. You're giving someone a you mean it selflessly. Your face is shining while you're giving them. You mean you don't forget. So yeah. Well, you also wanted to ask something. One second. I just wanted to point out something was the first and greatest cure person that ever was right and he he didn't we shouldn't feel we shouldn't leave it because most of the people that he dealt with were all people who came out that's true but it's not I'm going to be devil's advocate but it's not wasn't his own child it was before the toy was given our children were born and raised in a from house you're right but it's it's it's still it's still more painful with denial about that's more you know the tar could be learned in many ways practical we can get into and then it's much deeper also as well I just want to ask that yeah she wanted to say something you mentioned that it's important not to lie to our kids the what earlier you say that it's important not not to lie to the kids in the sense that yes it is. But later in this in the same conversation you said that when we when we told them yes they hurt me then are going to feel bad about themselves and they are going to judge and so no I didn't say it doesn't hurt me I said I'll deal with my hurt don't worry that's what I said no it's a good question no but if you tell if you tell the child sensitive and they need our approval but in the same time they are also like sharp They may see beyond. They they they are hyper sensitive. Why? Why? And they they go through our faces and they feel the vibes and rules and they go beyond everything, right? So they are really reading inside us. They need the approval. They need the truth, right? And they need not to get hurt because we are right. But the truth is also that you are hurt. Yes. Because they need the truth. The truth is yes. I'm feeling pain because you are insulting me. Right. But my approval but but if you tell them I'll deal with my pain. Now I hear what you're saying. You'll tell them I deal with my pain. It has nothing to do with you. Then you're not lying to them. Right. All right. Everybody, you've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by to anytime.com.