Kesher Nafshi 6 - $ Questions your child would want to ask you - I'll do it for them

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com. Today's topic, we'll talk about the four questions your child wants to ask you. I'll do it for them. The reason I gave it this title is because really the children have way more than four questions, but I was trying to uh compress it. and to uh to make it easier to understand. But first, I want to quickly introduce myself for those of you who don't know me. Uh why why is this topic why why was I compelled to talk about this topic is because for the last 17 years or so, I am dealing with teens, mainly boys, teenagers that are struggling, trying to find themselves. I have I I work with them hands-on, one-on-one. We have many different programs that I do with them in Muny where I live. So, I'm out there. I'm out there with the kids and I hear their questions and I see what's going on in their mind. So I think it's very important for all of us parents to understand what's happening in the mind of our child as much as we can to make it easier for us to know what to tell them, what not to tell them, how to connect to them, and how to have a a better relationship. The uh the most important part of these conversations that our children would want to have with us is the most difficult for them to actually reach out to us. Many of us feel that we have a relationship. Our child comes home from school. Even the kids, the younger kids coming home, the 10-year-olds, 9year-olds, boys and girls are coming from school and the mommy asked them, they ti how was your day? Oh, it was great. Phenomenal. Yeah. You your test? I had a test today. Yes, it was amazing. You got a 70. got a 90. Wow, great. Amazing. That's not a relationship. We don't really know what's going on in their brain. I was talking to a manal outside before someone that's a manal one of the bigistas in Burough Park and uh elder guy alit and I asked him what how do you see the world now? You're being a manal already for so many years. Why did you change? Did you change anything in the last he's a manal for 30 40 years? He tells me one thing I could tell you when I go to shield Shabas the boys see me they come running and tell me ah this is my manal I said that's the greatest compliment you could get I didn't want to see my manal when I on Shabas when it was enough when I saw or my rebi so if you that's that's that's what it is so really the relationship that we need to have that we want to have with our children have to be and we we're trying it should be is much deeper than just the surface of hi how was your day what's going And even more so when we're dealing with our children that are struggling that are out there. Therefore, I felt I feel that it's very important to understand there are certain things even if we feel close to them, they're still not going to feel comfortable asking you or telling you. So I was trying to put together the last the last couple of months of what would be the greatest the most important questions these boys would want to ask their parents and they just don't feel comfortable doing it. So again, so that's what we I decided to put into the four questions, the four questions. I always say that on my Shabas table, we have every single Shabas. My children could ask questions every Shabas. They could ask anytime, but Shabas by the meal we try all kinds of questions. It's a very good time. That's how we we connect our children. That's how the Yiddish is all about questions. about fraos encourage questions. But we need to understand there's always going to be certain questions that a child would not want to ask a parent even if they're very connected to them. How many times do we have children say I had it ready once my my daughter came to me Tati I need to talk to someone I have a few things I want to discuss. I said sure I got her something. She didn't feel comfortable. Her therapist whoever it was came and told me what the questions were to me was like wow big deal. But guess what? I respected it. I respected her privacy. I respected what was important to her. I think that these four questions that I'm going to enumerate now are the ones that are so important to them that if we are going to answer these questions before they even ask them, before we even ask them. Oh yeah, thank you. Someone showing me to put on the mic. We need to answer these questions before they ask them. That's that's basically what it is. I just want to give a quick introduction. the um you know in today's days we have these quotes running around everybody gets on the phone every day inspirational quotes there many groups that you sign on and they send you I always think it's too many it's like give me one quote a good quote but let me sit on it let me live with it at least 24 hours let me live with it let it let it I want to absorb it I want to let it saturate let it get into my system but that's how it goes we keep on hearing quotes and here and there was one quote that was circling around and it caught my attention and I'm living by it for the last couple of months and I want to share that with you and I think that that's what's going to help us understand the four questions and then ultimately the four answers. The quote goes like this. Be curious. Simple. Don't judge. Be curious. Naturally, we judge things. We judge people around us. We judge situations. If someone came in and they look at you a certain way, in our head, we make assumptions. If we make an assumption, you just judged that person's action. You judged. Your child comes home and says, "There's a new takun in our in our school." We right away judge. Ah. in a new thing. Not allowed to wear this color sneaker. Really? From now on, let's not judge. Let's ask questions. You pick up a phone, you call up the principal. I'm very curious. Why did you implement the new a new law, a new a new rule in this this school? Most of the time, you might agree with them. You might say, "Wow, thank you for doing that." But naturally, we don't do that. We grow up, we constantly judge situations. We judge people around us. Not after judging in favor or judging. It's just we we make assumptions and it becomes facts. Never let assumptions become facts. Our child behaves a certain way. They do something. They change a certain dress code. The girl decides to come in with blue hair. We make an assumption and we react right away to that assumption because we judged their action in a certain way. And we usually are wrong. We say, "I'm so curious to know why did you do that?" If we ask questions why, we're inviting them to tell us or they'll listen to us. We'll be able to rationalize with them or at least we'll change our mind and say, "You know what? Okay, I get it. I see where she's living in where he's living in in the life." And they they need to be given the opportunity to talk. So the point is that if we ask we constantly ask questions of people around us our children anybody we are going to stop judging and we stop judging they'll ask us even more our relationship would get deeper and deeper children question number one that most of the that I was what I compiled what I think that most kids would want to ask us but they don't feel comfortable is why do you think you need to understand From our perspective, we think we need to understand our child. We need to understand their journey. We need to understand where they're heading to. What do you do? We need to understand them. Guess what? They make they're made up from different things of you. Maybe they have your genes in certain parts. They had a different life, a home world that they grew up in. A very different kaida, different friends, different neighbors, different natures. They have a very different life. And they're Sometimes they tell us, "Stop trying to figure out my life." What do they want? Figure out how you can help me go through my life. They want us to help them with their life. Not that we should try to understand what is it that they are struggling with. Why are they doing it? We don't need to understand them. And ultimately, most of these kids tell me, "My parents are never going to understand me. So we need to get past that. So what's the answer for that question? And we we we have to initiate and say my dearest child, I'm not trying to understand your journey. I'm trying to understand how can I help you go through your journey and be curious, ask questions. So do you want me to answer you this time when you come home and you slam the doors or when you say you're coming home 10:00 and you walk into the house 1:00 and I can't sleep? I'm waiting for you. I don't know where you are. You ask them a question. Do you understand? We need to understand something very clear over here. Our children are not ready to invest any time to make us feel comfortable. They're very selfish in that stage. When they go through this phase in their life, they're very very selfish. They have their own life. They see themselves. And if we tell them, I don't need to understand you. I don't need to understand your journey. I think it's going to help them a lot. They're going to they're going to say, "Okay, so this question is over their mind. It's fine. My parents don't need to understand me, but they hear from me. They're trying to help me. They want to help me go through my life in the best way possible. Go through my stages." The second question that most of the kids, I think, would want to ask us and they can't tell it to us in our face. Why do you need to show me that you're hurt? I want to tell you something. Most of the boys that I worked with in the last 15 20 years I'm going to tell you they are so in pain that we are in pain that the parents are in pain. These are usually the kids that have very a lot of guilt in them. I know their vocabulary the way they talk they say now I don't care with them you know all these kind of they say but it's not true. They are the ones that care the most. They care so much. That's why they fell out of the system. That's why they were hurt when someone told them something wrong. That's why they they have so much trauma them from different events that they went through in their life because they do care. They do feel guilty. We don't need to tell it to them. And if we tell it to them or if we even hint it to them, you're making me so much sad. I can't take the pain you're giving us. You know that Tati mommy are in so much pain. But you just did. You're going to put on this. You're going to put on an earring. You're going to put on a tattoo. You know how much pain we're going to be in? Do we really think this is going to change them? or it's us needing to vent. If we need to vent, we need to have someone to talk to. Our children are never going to be our therapists. They don't They know that you are hurt. Absolutely. Good news. They know you're hurt. They know every single thing they do when it hurts you and how much it hurts you. But and it hurts them so much that they're hurting you, but they can't resist. There's something in them that doesn't let them. They need to go through this stage. And there's something in their life that they need to go through now to feel alive. They need to go bungee jumping or or do or or take drugs, whatever it is that they're doing, or go speeding and risk their life. And they need to do it. They're struggling with themselves. They don't need us. They need they don't need to carry us as well. What they're saying is, "Tatim, mommy, I can't carry your pain as well." They're not going to tell you they're in pain. I mean, most of them So the second question is why do you need to show me that you're hurt? It's an oldfashioned thing in our life that we think that we tell someone so guilt is going to really help. Yeah, this is going to make them it's not going to help. It creates a creates a between us and them. So what do we do? We tell them if they asked us, "Tati, you hurt about something." You know, if if it does come out in conversation, you say, "Yes, it is. Yes. None of your business." Okay. I I had you. I'm ready to carry whatever it takes. It's not about me. It's about you. I'm here for you. I'm here to help you go through your journey. It's not about me. It's not about my hurt. Yeah. And if this comes into conversation as a by the way that you don't have to worry about my pain for your journey, you know how much easier it is for them, how much quicker they're going to go through their journey. They have so much pain and so much guilt that we are suffering because of them. Number three, the third question. What's the third question? Why are you comparing me to others? I know what ran through ran through most of you your mind when I said it. I'm not sure. I never compare my kids to others. I understand that every child needs to be their own. Every their own There's something much deeper in this question. I find that most of the boys that I worked with throughout the years, they always felt that they need to be compared to someone else who the older brother, the older sister, the better sister, the neighbor's child. In that guy's kids is much better than you. And many times the kids make it up in their own mind. They think that their parents comparing them to others. But even that if we could help them and say you are you and say it again and again every time you have a conversation with them just make sure I don't need to compare you to anybody before they ask you this question just say it this should be part of your veracular the part of what you the way you talk to them you say I never in my life cared about other people how they are I never compared you I'm not trying to compare you are you and every year there's a and you don't need all the cypher to to look the same. We all know right every us the toy has another we are a one big cipher to because everybody is different and we need to tell it to them again again you know the teenagers you need to tell them and forget we tell them again I told them already tell them again we all know the famous put on top of your heart not we say you should put it on your heart you should put it on your heart put it on your heart she should put it in your heart say one of The sadik of said he put it on the heart. When the heart is closed, you put on top of the heart again another. One day, the day that we're all waiting for, the heart is going to open and everything we put in is going to fall in. All the quotes are going to register. Everything's going to register. It's Hashem hopefully very soon by all of us. But what what what are we trying to do? We are trying to accumulate a system in the house in the relationship between the parents and the children where the children don't feel that my parents are my enemy. My parents are not the ones that are trying to get me to like others. My parents understand me. I don't need to carry my carry my parents hurt. I don't need to be compared to anybody else. My parents don't even try to understand me. All they're trying to do is help me. help myself. I think when we understand this message, these three questions, I think what's going to be we're going to come into a place where the relationship is going to speed up much faster and much deeper. They're going to feel much easier to tell us things that bother them. There's so many things bothering them that these are the three things that mish bothered them. What's the fourth question? I need to give a tiny introduction before I'm saying the fourth question. Yeah. If a child is at a stage where he sort of chosen the way of his life and he feels comfortable, right? So he doesn't really want to be questioned too much and he doesn't want to be bothered or get conversed the way how he is at this moment of time. Exactly. That's exactly what I'm saying. Yes. He wants to be Yeah. So is there any need to bring it up as a conversation or a top of conversation to go into in other words to kind of like we as parents were taught over this whole conference basically that acting out pain in their way of life is a way of saying there's something behind it right it's just a result they're calling out acting out of pain right now for instance if you challenge your kid say you realize that we're in pain and he may very well look at you and say What have you got to be in pain? You decide to be like your father and his father, his father the past 10, 15 generations. Choose my own identity. And what right do you have to be in pain per se if I'm chosen? I'm not talking about doing harm in those sense doing drugs and really getting himself assuming that he's okay. He's settling. He's working. He's learning and he's just living his own life anymore. Right. Choose that way. Exactly. I you see I it's hard. We could really talk after the sh but I'm trying to flow because it's recorded also. Is it necessary? Is it necessary or is it want to communicate that you raised this as an issue where you want to try to sort of say no let's get beyond the let's talk you know get no you have to wait you have to wait for it. Don't don't try to that's my suggestion. No don't let it flow. Let them go through their stage and it's going to happen. What we need to do is give them tools and show them we're here for them and we're not here to we're not obviously we're not judging them and we're not trying to compare to others and we're not trying to to understand their journey. What we're trying to tell them what what essentially what we're doing but what what we should do is give them the understanding that we are here to help them with their journey even if we don't understand it. We don't need to understand we don't need to get into their brain. It's okay. That's what I'm saying. I just want to say that when when he was inaugurated. Yeah. Quickly. What is it? Just an answer to him. I find they're sick and tired of talking about it. They don't want to talk about it. Exactly. Exactly. They didn't even want to talk about it. So when mobi was the first time when he met up when his first n when when he spoke to the we all know was the one of the most interesting parts when was called to when was telling him I want you to become the leader of to go help me take the out of we know told him take off your shoes there's many different reasons why did take him to take off your find it's a holy place. You take off your shoes. I get it. But what's the message? Why was it written in the in such a way that we need to understand what's happening here? Moi was raised in BP Malus. Then he married Coen Midian's daughter and Hashem told him if you want to go out and help your brothers, you need to feel the pebbles on the floor. Take off your shoe. Step number one, you walk in the street without shoes. Feel it. Get into the blot. Get out of the blu in pain in Mat in their most horrifying place where Kali was the first major trauma that we went through as a nation. You need to take off your shoes. You need to feel the blood. This is the only way you could really understand and start to become a leader for Kalis that how much blood are we going in when we deal with our children? They bring into our house. So many blots that we did not want to see in our house. We didn't want to deal with this. We wanted to create a house with this mamish. You don't even feel the pebbles on the floor. You want to have the most comfortable shoes. So what is it? Hashem says, "I sent you an I want you to deal with it. Take off your shoes. Go the bl together with them. Go into the mud. Feel the pebbles. That's the only way you'll be able to help them. That's the only way you'll be able to connect to them. Yes. You want to ask something? Yeah. First thing you said was um was that why do you need to understand me? Why do you need to understand? Correct. I've had this reaction that like when I ask such a question like what's going on? How can I help you? Right. Okay. That's very common. That's good. I mean, she loves you. She needs you. But really, what she's seem again, we're not trying. Maybe at that time, she felt like you're trying to invade her privacy. You're trying to get there. But you're saying you go through you. You are you. You're going through your journey. I don't need to understand your journey, but if there's anything I could do to help you, I'm here for you. That's it. I don't think she'll reject that. That's something that that they're going to take from us. You see I I want to say something. We say every single day the king of the world. Imagine if there was never such a thing as a king on planet earth. If there were we democracy from uda till today. There would never be a king. There would never be such a concept where there is a person that's in power. Usually most of the kings were narcissist. They're trying to dictate and create power and wealth and everything that they wanted. and the whole was in their hands and they had all the abilities to give us and to take away from us. If there wouldn't be such a concept as a as a me would we ever say we would never use that phrase because it wouldn't exist. What happens to so many kids today? They never heard such thing as me as a how could they relate to that mali and what happens to a child theoretically speaking would be raised in a little town where there's only single mothers raising their kids alone and these kids would never be able to say or maline they don't know what a father is they never saw a father they go to and the says over there theat of the What's who was there? Anybody out there for me? A father besides Would a child like that ever be able to say father me? Where does that come in? So what happens if someone does know such a thing as a me but doesn't have enough information on a fine we do know this in our history there's enough of this and we know what a me is but what is a father essentially father mother if a child had a father that betrayed him 100 times in his life you think he could relate to hem of any mali his essence his whole being does not know about the words tata mind that a father and a mother would go on fire for their without judging, selflessly giving for the child. A healthy mother, a healthy father gives to the child. We give them, we give them for the second they're born. The mothers give before they're born, even before they're born. What are we doing? We're giving them and giving them. So now we could relate our father. So what would be imagine if a human would be born on a tree like a like a like a like a pa it would be such a thing that on trees we are all nine months hanging on a tree and then he come up and say h okay I'm a human this tree gave me all my nurturing it gave leaves it watch me from the sun it brought up from from the earth the water and nutrients it gave me everything I need you come off that tree and you look around and you say this tree there's many other trees. So someone created the whole world and you want to connect to that someone. So what how would look like the tree of all trees? What do we talk to Hashem that way is the that's what we would say. But because whatever a tree was to me that that's what Hashem is to me. And this is not only the father and the mother. This is the this is our as many different psychologists used to say that our first god is our father our mother is our first god and if that wasn't perfect the person has a big issue being for the rest of their life they're missing the understanding that you need to surrender to someone that cares for you that when your father your mother when we tell our child our six-year-old 7-year-old we tell them we're going now to the factor. If the child knows that the father and the mother are here for me forever, the child trusts, they surrender. The mother said is the best thing. Go take a shot. Okay, they take a shot. It's hard for them and they see how the mother cries, but the mother says you still need to take the shot. You still need to go to the doctor. Why we surrender to someone that cares for us? That's someone that takes care of us forever. We need to surrender to Hashem. If we don't have a healthy surrender to our father, mother, our malammed, our teacher, our principal or many other people in our community that mean to us so much or if one of them betrayed us or if one of them violated us, if one of them promised us something, they're not going to do it. I had two days of thinking I had two days ago that that comes to me from one of these amb the regular. You should just hear their issues. He tells me the manalooked that by the end of the week if we learn this this amount is going to take us to trip. This is the third time and he didn't follow through. I called up the manal and I I gave it to him over his head. I thought so because he's the one that's sending me. He understands that a book sometimes needs to talk to someone outside the yeshiva. You had to hear his response. He's lucky I wasn't near him. Ger I said you just this kid is going to have an issue connecting to Hashem also it's not conscious it's subconscious if someone was raised in a lifestyle where they're no they don't know such a concept that you could totally surrender to your caretaker which could be your tree kidding could be the Irish your parents your father your mother your mama whatever is out there for you you have an issue connecting to Hashem So sooner or later somehow our children have an issue relating to Hashem. So what's our job is to give them such selfless love and again and again and again people are asking me the whole time throughout this whole Shabas and every Shabas that we're here when I'm giving for my child for 5 years already and he's still in the basement still doesn't want to come out doesn't want to see the world my child is still doing I'll tell you when they're going to when they're going to when their subconscious is going to heal when their subconscious is going to know that there is such a think that someone could be 100% selfless and someone is here for me even if I'm embarrassing that someone my own parents and they're still here for me that's the moment we're waiting for that moment where it gives a click in their brain in Shabas Mbish we I don't know how many of you were there but I I said a story that right before it was Basher I spoke to the manal of my son yeshiva and he told me a story he said I want to tell you a story and I and I repeated the shabas which I want to say it It's quick. He said like this. He said he has an uncle that's a mishir and a yeshiva for many years. His uncle is already and he said that it was a boy a bul that was mish impossible many 20 25 years ago and the manal threw out that left cut off his pies threw of the couple the end of it. This this manal tells me that his uncle was so hurt for that. He called him up on Friday and he wanted to tell him come to me. The b saw it, ignored this phone call. He called him again the next Friday. Ignored this phone call. His uncle called him 20 years. Every single Friday he called. He ignored his phone call. 20 years later I don't know the exact number be 18 or 22 but a long time this changed this he was already in a man was already he changed his life and he came back to mom was like a switch he said if that could be a mench should be so selfless 20 years this guy children and he's still calling me I know why he's calling I know why he's calling it clicked unfortunately it took 20 There was once a few that work in a nursing home and in that nursing home they were always trying to put together minion they had like eight nine over there and they always take so there was one whenever they asked used to get angry and scream at them and yell at them don't ask me again one day this lab that's rolling him back in his wheelchair to his room and he asked him you don't want to come to Davin anymore we're not going to ask you but why are you so angry He says, "Let me tell you something. Open up my drawer." He opens up the top drawer of his room of in his room. There's a pair of film, very old pair of film. Says, "I want to tell you a story about this film." You have filmed all your life. He says, "I was in the Holocaust. I was a very tall child. Mangal took my father to one side and sent me along. Although I was 12 years old, he thought I was older." He said was in the barracks together with his father. And his father was aided and he wanted to put him on film by his mitzvah. He found out that the next building, the next barrack, whatever it's called. There's a Eid over there that was just and he had film hidden. So he wanted to get that film to put it on for his son. This ali says for me, my father wanted me to put on film and he risked his life in the middle of the night. He ran the dark. He said, "I was looking out of the window, I guess the crack, whatever it was, and I saw my father go to the other side and he has the fill in his pocket, came running back, and outwalks the Nazi." And the Nazi said, "Jid, what are you doing outside at night? What do you have in your pocket?" And he saw the film. He said, "He shot my father, killed my father. My father wanted me to put on film and he got killed for that. You think that's Hashem? You think I'm ever going to put on TW? You think I'm ever going to dive in in my life? And this says, "I'm sorry. I would never ask you again. I understand you. It's way deeper than what we thought. I'm sorry." A few weeks later, there was another there was a good friend with they became friends over there in the nursing home that he had your side and they couldn't find the 10th dominion. So, the bak went over to this to this Eid and he said, "I would never ask you again, but he's your friend. You don't have to dab. Just sit in the lunchroom. You're going to be you're doing him a favor, not me. Come be the saint of he said I'll go but you're never asking me again. I'll go. He wheels him towards the lunchroom where the doning. He says wheel me back to my room. Let's take my film. I'm going to put on film but this is the last time in my life. I'm going already. I'll do it. He put him on film for the first time in his life. Puts him on this film. The seed was sitting there and he was crying like never before. Everybody left already crying mish and then he told this to help him take off his film. So this book asked him what happened. This is something that we could take home. He says I want to tell you something. I was so stuck with the fact that my father got killed. I was so angry at Hashem. I never took a moment to think how my father loved me so much for something that he believed in. He wanted to do it for me. He was ready to risk his life. Now I connected to my father the first time. I was able to connect to the second part of the story. For the next few weeks, he put out film every single day and he was nifa right after that. and his children came to and they said that this was the happiest time of my father's life. He died again. It was all his life like this. We don't judge. This is something that we need to we want to get to a place that sometimes our children are so stuck on something we don't know what it is. So we give them this unconditional we go again and again and again and again and again and again. There is no time limit. There's no expiration date. We don't know how long it's going to take. And guess what? It's not even our business. We need to do our part. It's a famous vert. It's said in many different names, but I know it comes from the you got to do. You don't have to accomplish. You have to do yours. We are doing our part. And having said that, the bashto said another says, "Hashem is your shadow. Whatever you do, your shadow does." So bashento says whatever you do for something else for someone else's shine that's you don't judge anybody Hashem doesn't judge you we are doing for our children even if they're spiting us and doing again and again and again whatever they do all of us have different stories but and what what do we do unconditional love patience and give you don't give in order to get results the results will come it's going to happen whatever it is it's just easier to do it if you don't not waiting for results. Do it because this is the right thing for a tati mommy to do for the child. I'm not saying it's easy. I'm going to say it's I'm speaking now. But I'm in the same mat. I also have a child that I'm dealing with. I'm not some comic to lecture people. I live it and I deal with so many children like this and parents that deal with such children. I know how hard it is. I know what it's doing. I know that it's destroying. We wanted a total different Shabbas table. We wanted a different house. We didn't want to bring in the BL. But guess what Hashem says? Take off your shoes. You want to be a leader? You want to deal with your kids? Hashem gave you this. Take of your shoes. Walk on the pebbles. Feel it. That's the moment that we become our own Mosher. The salvation. But this is not the goal. The goal is to be there for them and to put in all the we could. And we don't need to wait for results. It's just going to make our our journey easier and it's probably going to bring it faster because we're naturally going to say different words. We're naturally going to react to them different if we're not waiting for results. If we want them to change, they feel it. These children usually they feel vibes from across the room. These children are so in tune and this is the reason why they fell over the first time first place because they know if they rebi if they teach their tab someone around them was a little bit of a hypocrite wasn't sincere wasn't honest they smelled it from the other side they couldn't be from a machir one of the told me the mak gave us a whole yes in a restaurant so said I can't take the yeshiva the food so next door there was a like a we got The next day he sees the magi in that restaurant. What exactly did that do? There was once a there was once a a study in it university. They have a section where they train people. They get people to stop smoking and they give them all the facts. They have like big screens how lungs look like. It's like a eight-week process whatever it is. 99% I don't know the exact number of people that go through that class never smoke again. So they wanted to do a little study. They took the teacher should smoke while he's doing it. And everybody I smoke. I'm telling you facts. He was telling them the whole facts and he was showing them the zel bazak that hundreds of people have quit smoking. He smoked. There was mamish. I don't know the numbers but it was a tiny percent of the class actually stopped smoking. Why is that? Is it facts? After all the facts after all the facts, if the teacher that's teaching it to me is doesn't really mean it, it's not going to go. It's not logical. It doesn't make sense. If it's logic, logic, my teacher is an idiot. But he's smoking, he's ruining his lungs, he wants to die early, fine, and all the the facts that he was told. No, it's not going to go. Even for adults whenever we talk about little kids even more so little children teenagers the kite the emskite is the greatest thing I remember in the times when I grew up to finish they show you have to finish when I grow up 100 years ago okay it was definitely different world there was this whole idea of respect of parents to children the whole idea was we weren't allowed to know my mother's name or their age kazulam Or you remember those was because they felt the only way they could help you and connect to you is if if you I mean to to raise you if you have respect and the only way you could respect someone if you're not close enough to them anymore. Our children today all the from today's generation they want the real truth. the mas the mas the masim nothing they want to know exactly if I could tell my child and I always do it I share with them my shortcomings it doesn't take away their respect they respect me even more human yeah I have to spill out to him every every I have and every thought I have but if I had a shortcom I was I yelled at someone on the phone I told my kids I shouldn't have yelled at the guy was really not good that's not something to do but there was a reason why I was upset at that person. What's wrong with that? Now, Tati is perfect. Tati is perfect. Mommy is perfect. The mag is perfect. One of the told me that his mag talks to him. This is a is a real feeler. He's a you know, this thinker's feeler. He's a real feeler. He's not an emotional driven being. And Shiva, he's naturally being bullied on a daily basis. Smart kid, everything, but he's just a feeler. And he and he tells me that this always tells him of the star of Danas. He says this mag is the biggest cast in the whole system. He always if this she would have cycle is a 70-year-old I don't know oldest but I if if it would be me I would say yeah struggled with aim I still struggle with it I'm much better I'm older than you so I worked on it a lot this is the work the things that worked for me this didn't work for me I want to help you get over it all of us have to work on something you think he would respect me less they want to see us natural they want to see us real they want to see that we are also struggling with something fake In other words, they want the real truth. They want it to be. Tell it to me the way it is. Don't fake to me. Yeah. What's the fourth question? The fourth question. Good. That's that's the the most important question. You summarize that question. Huh? Summarize the question. Yes, I'll summarize it. I want to say the fourth question then I'll summarize the the is forgive me can you forgive me now while I'm still hurting you can I have a open rain check a open check that every single time until I finish my journey I'm going to be hurting you so many times can you forgive me Now, as we said before, these are the children that are so in tune and so real and so guilty and so they have all these emotions and everything that's in them. This is one of the greatest blockages from moving on. You know the spiral the the the call what's the the wheel that keeps on coming back. If someone feels guilty for doing something they're in a bad mood and if they're in a bad mood they're going to end up doing something wrong again. So when does it end? When you stop feeling guilty if we tell our children as by the way it's always all these questions all these answers as a by the way. It's not like oh I'm sure you have this question I want to tell you. No don't do that. bring in these four concepts and he say I forgive you they need to hear it from us as many times as us men need to tell their wives I'm sorry this the same amount of times I'm sorry came up late I'm sorry you're right I'm sorry you're right I'm sorry you're right and we mean it by the way the men mean it this is this is the amount as many times as they need to hear from us I forgive They know they're hurting us. It's not a question if they're hurting us or not. And as we said before, we don't need to tell them that they're hurting us. We don't need we're not even allowed to hint to them that they're hurting us. So the last question is in the main things that they need to know if they know it and they feel it. My parents forgive me. They hear from me. They understand that this is my journey. They're here to help me. They're not here to understand me, but they're here to help me go through my journey. And they even forgive me. In other words, they love me anyway. Unconditional love. They forgive me for hurting them and they know I'm going to hurt them again because I'm still in that spiral, that teenage spiral. This is going to help them get over it so much faster and so much easier. And this is the question that they want to ask us a 100 times a day. Tati, please forgive me. They're not going to tell it to you. Some of us are lucky. We get it once or to three months if we're lucky. But really, every single thing they do, I have this girl that's walking around. She comes from such a shinish. I don't really don't like that word, but means say a prestigious family in that community. And this girl walks out with a miniskirt and mish she doesn't know. She doesn't know that her mother is can't take it. She doesn't know that she's hurting the whole family. Her sisters in school are are ashamed to tell their friends that this is my They don't know. They know all of this. You think they don't feel hurt that they're hurting you? They can't resist. It's like this. What's the difference between a and a human? A raccoon loves fish. The monthly we have raccoons. And what did they you want to catch a raccoon? You put out the trap. You put inside a can of tuna. There's cameras. You could see people have cameras in the house. They see the raccoon walking around and crying. He knows he's going to be caught when he goes in there, but he can't resist because he needs the fish. He goes in there, he eats it up, and then he gets angry, but too late. He's in his trap. A animal cannot resist their temptations. He knows he's going to be caught. A person could. What is the is the is the emotional system and the physical system from us. When our children are going through the stage, then the part, the mo part is sleeping. At that time, they can't resist. They know they're doing wrong. They're they're beating themselves up every day. Most of them are not going to forgive us to tell us that they're that this is what they're doing. When they go to bed, it hurts them. Why did I have to do this again? So, they go through that pain the whole time. Why did I have to hurt my parents again? It mish hurts them that they're hurting us, but they can't resist. At this time, their neah is warped. It's it's very powerful and it's telling them to just get into that cage again. Never tell your kids I told you so. I'm going to end with that. Never tell your kids I told you so. And just to the four questions again, someone asked me to say it again. Our child would want to ask us why do you need to understand me? Trust me. Trust my journey. Number one. Number two, why do you need to show me that you are hurt? It makes my cycle a much longer journey. It hurts me. Don't need to hint to me that you hurt. Number three, why do you need to compare me to others? In other words, constantly tell me that you understand that I'm an individual. I'm not just a number child number six in the family. You're my every child is my and every child has their own journey. I'm never comparing you to someone else. We have to constantly throw these words into the conversations. I'm not comparing you. before I forgive you. I forgive you now. I'm going to forgive you even what you're going to do. And I'm always here for you. And that should do back to us. He sees the way we what we do for our kids, he should do for us. service.