Kesher Nafshi - 14 Simultaneously Navigating Crisis and Regular Chinuch

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com. Okay, I think we'll start. Um, you know, for for anybody that's a new a newcomer to Kashani, I think you've learned by now that there's Kashani timing. There's there's actual timing and then there's Kashani time. So, we're quite on time for Kashanavi time. We're actually early. We're starting early today. Okay. How do we wrap up a Shabas like this? You all want to wrap up all the information, the all the amazing speeches and the environment, the vibes. We're going home to face the same reality that we left here of Chavas facing the same reality. We were like in a little cocoon, like a little island over here, away from all the chaos, enjoying and appreciating, you know, something new, feeling, and uh understanding and sharing. And then we have to go back. We're facing the same music. Uh if you're waiting for me to give you the magic button, that's not it doesn't exist. But one thing is for sure that every piece of and everything that we need is is definitely helping us and giving us kayak. I always say that has a very short shelf life. It's like milk. It's good. It's a it's nutrition. It's nutritional. It's tastes good. It's everything. But it's a very short shelf life. There's expiration date. You could hear a story, listen to a story. You could have a story in your own life, a crazy uh is like this one or that one how it should have happened and we're inspired and few days later if I stop a person off the street to say give me three stories of of then going to be able to say but throughout our life we've heard so many there's expiration date we forget there's the he doesn't want us to remember all these inspiration and that we have in our and definitely not the way we deal with challenges and this challenge. So we here, we get excited, we get, you know, we get energized, we're ready to face and then it wears off. So that's why it's very very very very important, very vital to check into the wherever you're living, if you're living in an area where Kashani has the uh support groups, you should try to show up. It's uh it's something that's very important and very um very helpful to say the least if we we because we need it we constantly need you could always go online and check out more and listen to old lectures that were given or throughout the other shons is something that we need because is something that wears out so we constantly need more there's a story of the panakim Sorry the story of the previous getba he had he was the rasasha before he became rebel he was the rasashiva in g and there was one boy an American boy in yeshiva he was like the the top student the a student the msim and whatever he was off the charts his his comprehension he was smart he was brilliant he was serious boy and was like always like you know he was always whenever passed by the book he always threw it to him he threw back an answer he's like he loved for bringing time with this book this book was like and he always used to tell and everybody knew that that lost this book there's something about him few months later the father of this boy came to came to and everybody's ranting not ranting raving about the this boy your son is like mish the loves him and he's like mish and he got so much and when he went to the you know he spoke to him about his son he said yeah your son learns good yeah like and nothing special he didn't say anything and then he left the room and he he's wondering why didash tell me like your son is special and he's doing great and his mama is a so the next day by dabing after ding So the again went over to him and and he was hoping the reb was going to tell him he want he was waiting for that for that for that you know to to get a good v from the about his son and the said yoam your son learns fine so he says I'll be honest with you I'm craving it I I want you to tell me what you really feel about my son I hear from everybody that you're whenever you have a major soi that you need to work through you always use my son for it He's he's the the the t of the yeshiva and why why don't they tell me anything he says I'll tell you why he says I have a I had a step a step step sibling the the Ira was got remarried to to to a woman and she had a child so it's not a step that stepbrother u was drafted to the to the war to to to the army in po I forgot the name of that of that, his brother, stepbrother, and the mother went into the second wife, the the mother of this boy, and she's crying to she said, "Reb my dear husband Reb, you're able to to pil for everybody. What's it my son? He he he's being drafted to the army, you know, in those years was was over. It was nothing." And he said, "No, den." He said, "No, give me a promise. Say, do something more. Why you just said to the hell?" And then and then the boy came into his father's stepf and then the came into the shul and took a few guys said we're going to say till him and they they shook a world and he wasn't drafted his mom was miraculous that that he wasn't drafted to the war to to the army. So she went and she asked her father she asked her husband like why didn't you tell me was telling this to the father this boy he said that yes I'm going and I'll do I have whatever it is I'm able but the of of a mother for a child is something that's more important that still needs to go on even regardless I I could I could shine she said if I would tell you how special your son is you would stop ding you say my son is perfect He said, "No, no, no, no, no. For you, I wouldn't tell you that you sounded like because I want you to continue dabbing for your child and for him as after all advice and all the and everything at the end of the day that philos of us parents for all of our children. And I once heard from he said that I think I think I think said that that there was one of people in his that had a child that was struggling like one of our kids and the mother or the father but ding for that kid like and at the end that kid turned around by all of us and and became like ah special not and he told the the he said look at this you know all my kids are already 30 40 years old and this son is is is better than all my other kids told him because you ded for that kid, you forgot to d for your good kids at home. So that kid got all the and all the thing, you have to d for everybody for the ga. So we should continue ding. We should continue picking up because that's something that that we constantly need and and inspiration and advice is something that we constantly need. Today we're going to talk about we're going to talk about the the family dynamics of the whole family when it comes to dealing with some children that are suffer that are struggling. We're con we're the whole Shabas was focused in and zoomed in bas basically mainly on on the children that are going through their struggles and uh it feels very demanding from us speakers onto the parents although I'm a parent myself in the same situation. It feels like we're putting a lot of the emphasis a lot of the and a lot of the and the and maybe some people take it as guilt that I'm not doing enough for my struggling struggling child. So I think I want to to wrap up the shabas I think it's very important we should understand what the real message of keshani is last night by the skit by malu we started with that topic I felt it was very very important to to talk about it to zoom it in into one into one bumper sticker into one into a oneliner or elevator pitch how do you want to call it one liner to understand what the whole mahalak of keshan the whole idea idea is building a deep, meaningful, healthy relationship with your child. And we take it as we have to build a deep, meaningful relationship with the child that's struggling, which is true. But we mean that with all of our children. All of our children are going to benefit from us learning and advancing and understanding how psychology works and how the children work and advance works. Obviously for the children that are struggling, we need to learn methods, how to do it, how to overcome our own, you know, we shouldn't project our own uh issues onto our children and you know, not make them feel guilty and everything else that we preached over here throughout Shabas. But it's the same method. It's the same mahalak building a relationship and building healthy attachment. What a child needs. Every single child in our family needs it. There's a shab saying sitting near him and he's he's a he's he's a sibling of a child. He told me in the beginning when his parents came to Keshan we talk about way one of the first Shabusim and his parents was zooming in only on that sibling. In the beginning he loved it. was like, "Oh, finally my parents have some kind of method on how to deal with that child." But what happened to all of us? And they felt neglected. Said after a few other Shabus and his parents came, he benefited so much because his parents started connecting to him and his other and his sister at a much higher level, a deeper level. So it really actually healed him. That's the goal. That's the real goal. The goal is not only to zoom in on the child that's struggling, but through this the struggling child, we are becoming more advanced. Literally, every person that joins a shabas like this, you know it by now. You you become like you become your own therapist. You become your own you really understand what's going on in your child's mind. You're able to understand that every single behavior of every single person is an outcome of something. Something caused that the good and the and the and the and the bad. We become people that are able to see beyond. We're able to see nishas, not just bodies. We're able to see the person for who they are. We're able to understand that everybody has taken places. Some children waking up in the morning is the biggest it's the hardest thing for them. So before coming to Shabas like this, we we would judge them. the good kids, all of them are good, but the the easy child. But really, every single person, including ourselves, we all know our own shortcomings, our own inner battles, our own inner fears, our own inner insecurities and and everything else that we have that we that we understand, we become psychologically aware, we understand that it's all of the children. It's all everybody is is just working. That that's the way it is. And if you have a child that's the we call it the APK. You know what APK is? The autopilot kid. It's just a joke. You know what an autopilot kid is? That child that just you put him into nursery and she or he is always never an issue going through school. Uh great a always perfect friends social academically you know like one of those kids. Even that APK also has many many many different inner issues and sec insecurities that they have. And by having in their family a struggling child, a struggling sibling, the parents become aware of what's going on with the healthy child that also needs a lot of help, which many of them need help after the comes out later. I think that one of the greatest things that we learn in Kashani I'm just going to put into my own words but basically what's happening is the way we judge people the way we understand other people around us is usually we see the way they the levish that they're wearing you see a person coming to shoe you see a person shopping the grocery someone dresses a certain way you right away assume that that person is a is a who knows what but once you get to know the person you see that person dresses that way but inside the person is like could be the highest level and sometimes see the other way around. It could be dressing perfect and everything and so the gauge we have to switch the the way we gauge success in our children. The way we we we the barometer, right? The like in the in the car in the in the in the dashboard, what is it called? There's there's barometers that tells you what's going on, how much gas you have and how much the battery is up to and then how how fast you going. Those are barometers. The person that doesn't come to Shabas Kashi, a person that never came here uses the typical what everybody uses type of of gauge. The way we gauge other people, the way we gauge success in school, they gauge success is you know the girl that comes in time the learns is the comes to Davin and joins whatever that's the way they gauge. It's like you see when it comes to some he ask information on a boy and ah the talks he's always on time and he's beautiful the way has to gauge is awesome but who said that this boy is going to be a good husband maybe he's going to be the worst husband ever there's another whole different set of qualities and skills that the person has to have to be able to be a successful husband or successful father and the other way around right so it depends we always need to have different gauges So as parents of struggling teens and listening to all the shim that go on over here, we eventually hopefully the goal is to get us to start gauging where are our children up to emotionally? Do they have are they are they functioning? Are they sleeping at night? Are they eating normal? Are they do what's their social life? Of course, what's the learning and what's the everything else? Where they up to? There's there are different ways of of seeing a child. There different ways of of gauging where my child is up to. I had a a person that came to me with a Shabas said she she was she was talking about a child and then she was talking about her husband. She's very upset the way he runs the Shabbas table. She was very fixed on the Shabas table. I understand Shabas table is very nice very very important. It's one of the amazing parts inkite and uh she has a husband does not sing. He's he's tonedeaf and uh it's very boring and that's why and I understand I understand the pain. Some people come from shabas tables where it's like 2 hours or 3 hours of of ganide on this world. It's beautiful and we should all try to do that. But let's say your husband is not able to do that is so he's al he's not he's not able to to and ask a few more questions. He learns with his son and he plays with them on the floor under the table with the little ones which other men that have a beautiful shabas table don't do it. So there's many different ways of gauging success. There's many different ways ways of of gauging an issue of understanding of is there something going on. So what we're learning over here is that we need to be in tune in our children in a total different aspect not in their success in their learning and everything else which is very nice. We're gauging where our children are up to emotionally. This is what we are trying to to convey to the message on understanding that when we gauge another yid and your spouse and yourself even but now we talk about our children. We talk about all the children. How do we gauge success? The child that wakes up on time that you never have to wake up. We have one child that's sleeping and you have to wake them up six times that press snooze button. Another kid just so this is a good kid. that good kid has certain things that's killing them from the inside and we wouldn't realize it if we wouldn't have one child that's a struggling teen and and and and the parents are starting to gauge and see things different taught us that we when we see people we should just see the don't gauge them on their on their behavior last week Shabas I was and I spoke to boys over there Shabasim good boys was talking I bring with them throughout the shabas and I was telling the boys a lot of the book they struggle with this yness if you know what I mean it's it's one of the every teenage b has to struggle with that and and growing and knowing how to work it through and that's definitely a conversation how to teach it to them and how they should work on it and what happens is they start bashing themselves because they fall through with certain things and then they start going into a place where they I'm a ball of anyway and I'm you know they they can't crawl out of it. girls also have it in different in different aspect. So I was telling the I took out a few and I was sharing with them a few with that a person has to try their their best. That's all hashem wants says according to your effort that's how you're getting paid not according to your accomplishments. When you fix a car, you take your car, it's broken, you go to the mechanic, they could be working on it for three hours, they didn't fix it, you don't pay them. If they fixed it, you pay them. And shim works the other way around. If you fixed, if you became a good person, you didn't matter. Hashem only pays you on the on the effort on the you put in. That's the only way Hashem pays us according to the effort you put in. That's that's the way Hashem judges us. You are what your roots is, not what your deeds are. Of course, you have to try to make your deeds better, your master. Don't judge yourself according to your success in your overcoming and all the other things. Of course, you have to work on that. You are what is what you want to be. That's who you are. What if I'm not I'm not able to implement it. I'm not able to actually do it because I have a huge but you are not what you do. You are what you want to be. It's again for for a bezen for a court a person comes in and the bez has to pass in according to your deeds. I get it. I get it because they can't I was angry and the guy made me angry that's why I shoot him I shot him you know he shot someone in this world the best but a person for themselves the way I see myself the way I see my children I have to gauge where the roots is not what they're able to do if my child has the roots to want to be the best the best girl she has the roots of the her is big as the world that that's not who she is if I see it that way and I tell my child that I see her that way and I see myself that way then I'll continue I'll continue working I'll continue fighting my child will continue fighting to do their best because eventually we will prevail but it starts with the roots the moment a person doesn't understand this concept they try a few times and then they say okay I've worked so many times in myself I'll I'll go into Easy am I unspeakable I spoke many times I'm I'm about I can't give no it's all about trying all your life you could be standing in Kip say I know I was standing here last year and two years ago three years ago and I took I'm never going to talk again and he said come on I'm a hypocrite no Hashem wants you we get paid for trying we don't get paid for succeeding you got to do. You don't have to accomplish. If someone is accomplishing, doesn't mean they'll get as much as you for just trying and not accomplishing because you're getting paid according to your efforts. And that's a gauge. That's a new way of the way we see our children. That's all of our children in the in any in all their ways. we are able to to to see through the avoid of the person of what are they working on and you say my dear child I re see you're really trying I see you're trying it's amazing your brother gets up like easy and you you it takes you a long time because it's harder for you and your brother has something else that he's struggling with all of us have different places that we need to work on we all came down to this world to work on quite a few things and when your child, all your children, all your children know that that's the way you are gauging their success and how much their effort they're putting in. They will continue trying. And this is the second thing that I told the bkim last week. I said you could do something officially and unofficially. Once you accept yourself, oh, this is who I am. I talk lashara. Then you become a balenhara a bala vera the person that's actually that kind of a person I gave them a mushul I said there's a there's a truck driver and someone that drives a truck someone that drives a truck that's the pan that gave them they found a job they make pan drives a truck then there's a then there's a a truck driver he lives in trucks he come into his house there's tiny minutes of trucks all over he knows the name of every truck in the world he is a even if it doesn't work anymore truck he's a truck driver and there's someone that drives a truck there's someone that does a veras that's someone that's a bala you see in the mood and the there's a bal someone that does an a what's the difference we all do we all have struggles once you you do it officially you don't have that guilt you feel good that's the issue say no I want to wake up in the morning I don't want little I want to be successful I want to do roots. Hashem, I'm not succeeding. I have a Okay. As long as you're trying, you're good to go. And Hashem will pay you for your effort. Once you give up, that's where the issue starts. That's when it becomes like official. This is who I am. If I do something officially, that's when the issue is fiel officially and unofficially. So this is another way of seeing. I'm telling you, I have a school, a high school for girls that are going through their own journeys. The amount of effort of each and every girl in our place, I'm telling you this that these kids are going to get is a thousandfold more sometimes than other people. What it says that what's his name went up to and he what did I see in Shamim? They asked what did you see over there? He says people that on this world consider the people that are successful are sitting in the back and people that are sitting up. Why? It's only according to effort. The only thing that wants from us is effort and true effort and real effort but effort not success. Success is up to him. Talks about it. You shouldn't feel like a baya that you're success. I have a sheet every morning and I do and I come I'm I'm I'm like the perfect businessman. I'm the perfect I'm a bento. Don't take it for granted. You're able to do it. It's a gift from Hashem. The other person is not able to do it but he wants to every day really trying to could be getting much more that you actually doing it. It's all about the effort and we have to see this in all of our kids. their effort, their struggles and start gauging them according to where they're trying to do. And then we gauge them according to their emotional needs. We gauge them according to their uh social ability. Not everybody's able to have a good social life and it hurts them. They're not able to to communicate. They lose friends. They make friends. They're not successful in that way. And then they could drop out from school for that alone. So you could have a a student child that wakes up on time and goes on time and then and then soon I don't know what happened my child like out of the blue like this was this was a kid that was a a student to I heard it 20 times throughout the shabas and hundreds of times throughout all the other shabus that were here because we were gauging the wrong thing. We need to know how to gauge a child a successful child and unsuccessful child. If we gauge them according to their effort and according to whatever their struggle, what their needs are and their fears and their worries and their social life and whatever else they need in the mental capacity, we gauge them according to that. They'll stay there because they'll continue fighting because whatever they're not being successful with is I didn't get there yet. It's still unofficial. They're still not going to do it because this is who I am. I'm still trying to. And this is the gam of of of this world is trying. And this is something that we as parents as people that are living in this in this in this in this nan is not only to zoom in on the child that's struggling and see them for for you know on on their struggles and the way they see it. We zoom in on all the kids in the house. We become better parents to all of our children. We give them extra. And you know what? A lot of people ask, "What do I do with the other kids? For this kid that's struggling, I'll give them a little extra presents. I give them extra, you know, they need extra pocket money, whatever they need. And the other kids are jealous. You know what? The other kids also need to get a little bit more. It's bash for them as much as we can. If it's extra time, extra attention, extra love, extra hug, do it. They also need Yes, it's hard for them. It's hard for them as well, but this is going to make them grow. Just like Hashem didn't ask you, at least not in this world. Of course, it says it's from Hashem asked before he came down. But as far as we remember, Hashem didn't ask you this to give you this child, the struggling child. He didn't ask them if they should have a struggling sibling. And if they have a struggling sibling that comes home and brings home new stuff to our house that we didn't like, they're going to grow better. It's going to be good for them. We say, "Ah, but how? We wanted our house to be sheltered. We wanted our house to look a certain way. And this kid is bringing in new stuff and new ideas and Tatami used to be so strict about certain things and they had some principles and ideas and you know and and how our house is supposed to look like and then suddenly everything is out of the window and and and we switch around. Guess what that that's what they needed. You have to see just like a physical illness family has one child that's going through illness. The whole family this is something it's bash for everybody. It's not only for us parents. And guess what? In every challenge, there's an opportunity. There is no challenge that came down of this world to any person in the world without an opportunity. In that challenge, believe me, I've been through quite a few challenges in my life, quite a bit. And I found not because I'm a sadic because I just had the right people around me in the right time to teach me that that there is a opportunity in every challenge. And if your other kid comes and asks you why tak need to keep shabas and you're like broken inside this is something you would never expect from your a student child to ask you and only because the other kid is being shabas or doing something and he's like all broken and you get okay I understand it. I feel it. I can validate that. It's very painful. I'm living it. I know. But you know what? You have to think what's what's the opportunity in this challenge. Now the opportunity is that I'm able if my child wouldn't ask me, I would never get into the whole conversation. I'm able to give them the beauty of Yiddish. I was never told. I knew I saw my father Shabas was a Shabas. He came over to me. I was APK in that way. But you know what? our other kids that are it's opening a door. It's opening communication. And it's a portal to to way more expandable understanding and knowledge of yiddish kite and you know what the other kids are not going to go with the flow so the stream of the world so quickly like other kids that were not told the beauty of yushkite the values of the value of the valley of sh the value of a shabas table and and a and a Tuesday night supper table and the value of of a mother waking up and getting out of bed and getting all the kids dressed and the kids see This this this is something that doesn't exist in the world around us. We're we're living in open with the world but shiny. We're living in a ty in a mubble around us and that's why we're fighting that. That's what we're trying to the marble around us. The people around us are it's it's a to see how far they are from us. Are you the but our kids think this is the way it is. And then when they ask you questions, give it to them. It's an opportunity. It's an opportunity right there in the face of the challenge. So if there's a challenge coming your way, there's an assign, there's something, a problem, there's an issue, say there's an issue and what's the opportunity that I could actually use this for? And you're going to see, you're going to use that, you're going to see that mamish, it's amazing. In every single challenge, there's an opportunity. So the other kids in the house are going to gain immensely from having a struggling team. You could ask my kids. You could ask my kids. They've seen a lot. They've seen a stepfather that's that that was struggling with the kite. They seen the oldest brother. My oldest child is struggling. And all my other kids are shining away because I had an opportunity to give them overh I would never be able to bring it up these conversations. When they asked me cautious I'm in this fields. I knew most of the tit I didn't know. I said, "I'm going to get back to you." I went on to age.com, went out to somewhere. Serious, we need to make Bivas in our own home. We all need to be about We all need to be chas. I'm speaking for myself. Sorry. I'm seeing it from a perspective of the beauty of the is not a theoretical thing. It's a real thing. It's it's it's as real as it gets. Being part of Kali's rule, being part of Shah. Yeah. Are you able to give examples of questions that they would bring up and how you're able to bring it out in a beautiful way? I bring examples of of opportunity. Millions. I should give examples. Why does Hashem care? I'll give you an example that just came up in school. Actually, one of the girls asked me, "Why does Hashem care that I have a tissue in my pocket and shabas and there's no arif?" Do you think that Hashem cares? God that created the whole world and the universe and thousands of galaxies and every galaxy has many stars and everything that goes around it and the black hole and the the you know today we see everything on we we know how it looks like. and he created the the mountains and the and the and the oceans and the and the lions and the orchids and the honeybees cares I'm not going to say in the language that she used that if I wear have a tissue in my pocket on Shabas come on and if he does come on tell him to grow up when a child ask you a question like that say such an awesome question. Does Hashem care what I eat? I was in the airport and all the guy, they're sitting, they check in, they're waiting a long time. these beautiful restaurants sitting down over there and just eating and enjoying and we have to come with the silver paper and then wrapping it up and it's running out and the whole you know the whole backpack turns into to matas into does really care of course he validate say yeah it's actually a very good question I never thought of it or maybe I did think of there's something called royalty royal the royal family the chief rabbi of England Rabbi John Sax he shared a beautiful story and that's what I told the girl there was a interfaith meeting in the in the palace by the queen also uh I don't know so that we talk about just a few years ago and and and there was like a holiday they brought all the the world leaders I don't know what it was maybe was the the one of the birthdays for the queen or and and of course he had to go he was the uh chief rabbi of the orthodox uh commonwealth of ling yeah how how did he call He was anointed also by the queen. So he came to for Shabas they and it wasn't over Shabas and over a Sunday the the weekend and and they invited him and he said listen I'm orthodox Jew I need to eat kosher and I need to have other people where I could go out of the palace go to certain place to have a minion if you give me all what everything that I need I'll I'll join for I would love to but they said of course absolutely they're gonna you know they got kadashi and he had his own So he said there was a but there was a meeting over there big room and there was tak one table kosher kylum was kosher the royal beautiful dishes everything was cased and there's a mir standing there for the for the I think it was him and maybe another of was there and they had the kosher meal and then they were asked to go into another area where there's another big meeting and another big thing and he figured there's going to be some shashidas and there's no kosher food over there so he took himself a plate And he put in little bulan or whatever he needed and he was walking like that to the other room seen all this royal people from the king of Jordan was there everybody was there and the today's king in England is the son I forgot his name George George was and he was very close to he loved the rabb sex and he and he and he and he told and he was walking with him and he said rabbi what are you doing he said that you know that I special uh special no how do you say huh dietary needs and special and and she said so where you're carrying this he said I'm not sure if we have if you have in the other room close with me he said what do you think we didn't forget about you there's another over there but he hugged him he put it on the table and he hugged something they don't do he hugged him and he said wow you just validated me for my life said my mother when I grew up she said, "You're you're you're you're a prince. You can't you can't just eat McDonald's. It's not healthy. You can't just eat a cheeseburger in the morning. It's going to kill your stomach. You can't just eat out of a paper dishes. You're a prince. You need to have yet we're going to serve you and you have to have, you know, a food spice. What's it called? Appetizer and the main course and then and it has to be served on doilies on on a nice beautiful Ra Johnson said, "Wow." He got his validation and he got his validation. And this is what I told the girls. I said, "Listen, if you are a nobody, nobody cares what you do, what you eat, where you go, how you if you are a royal child, you're a baselik, you are someone that Hashem cares about. He knows what's good for you." And he says, "I don't want you to just eat a cheeseburger. I wanted to eat meat from an animal that was slaughtered with that has the least pain ever. I don't want you to just eat of the store shelf like all the other people around you that the cow was tortured until it died and all the parts of it was eaten. I want you to have malika to to to salt it properly. And you know how many go around the world eat only kosher? I have a uncle that's very into the kosher business and he said in Iowa in different states where there's no ye to be found thousands and thousands of containers of food go there a month with certain going would only eat kosher meat we're royal you can't just eat what you want of course it comes along with certain moments you can't eat in the airport I get it and they loved it they bought it because this is the truth a ben me and a basel cannot just do what you want it's not because we are limited is because we are privileged and Hashem cares if you talk about someone. Yes. And Hashem cares if you lose something, he wants another year to find it and to go do not just to packet it. Hashem cares about you. He wants to force you to rest every Shabas. He wants you to enjoy the Shabas. He wants you to disconnect from the world. He wants you to give up your phone on Shabas. He wants you to We are royal people. So this is one example. Another example you like that another example that I can share with you. I I'll do it quickly. Yeah. When the non so to speak struggling child questions the what the struggling child is doing whether it's not or any other action. Right. Right. That that that's a very good question. They they they question they see you're handling the other kid. the way you're handling the other kid, the struggling child, and the way they watch this house, right? You tell them. I I I think that vulnerability is the what? I think that's more the question. That's more the question. Yes. Got it. The It's the vulnerability of us parenting nowadays and when our times at least in my times when you know when I was growing up when Zad was young, the parents were not didn't know how to be vulnerable to children. They didn't know how to be real and authentic and share that they're also human. They felt that maybe they felt it's like a breach that we're not going to respect them anymore. We weren't even allowed to and know their age, right? What we still don't know how to because we were never taught how to. Right. So that's why we come for Shabas like this and we learn. Yes, you're right. But we listen to more and more lectures and learning on how to be able to tell your child. My dear child, I always have shortcomings. My dear child, I went for Shabas to learn how to deal with our sibling. I went to Shabas. Yes. Because tati mommy we're great people we know everything but we don't know we're missing we we went to pick up more information and we're learning how to deal with our struggling child struggling sibling and we were taught that we have to give them extra because one of the things they're missing they have they need some extra attachment extra better more love we need to they went through some traumas or whatever it is that triggered them to be that way. Sometimes you know what it is, sometimes you don't know. But regardless, we went to learn how to to just nurture them back to be able to make smart choices in their life. And that's why we're doing certain things. But if you have if it's hard for you to see the way we give in to that kid too much or it's hard for you to see why we let them destroy our shabas table and we let them walk around not or or with a smartphone in a house with let's say a house that doesn't let any smartphones, we we are being trained and and this is this is what we do. But definitely we're very proud of you for not being that way. And uh if you have any question and further you could always come to me. We're we're here for you. You need to vent about it. We can get you to talk to therapist. You can talk to us. We'll make space for you. We want to hear. We want to encourage you and and and and and let you understand what we're doing with the other child. You're not responsible for your sibling. The parents are responsible. You have to make sure to say that. I've seen it time and time and time again that the siblings feel like a certain responsibility on on the sibling that's destroying it. If it's one child after one child older and that they take like doll take it off their shoulder they're carrying themselves and and you could tell them the famous line my famous line the line that I always use which is we need to care we don't need to carry we need to care for our children we need to care for carry yourself caring is good enough caring is you care for another Eid your child any struggle whatever it is in life but don't carry carry everybody's burdens. You're not helping them by carrying the their emotional needs. If you care for them, of course, whatever you're able to give them. Don't carry I mean it's easy to say, hard to do. As parents, we want to we feel like we need to carry, you know, our whole family. We need to carry the whole on us. You need to care. You need to do something for them. Do a deed whatever you can to help another Eid. Don't carry everybody. You can't. You're going to explode. You're not God. Could carry everybody. So we tell our other kids, you don't need to carry them. Don't need to carry your sister, your brother. It's good. Let them. They're going through their stages. You could help us. You could be nice to them. You could do something extra. You could give them a good word. You could give them a compliment. And that's going to help them stay where they are and not not turn into a a struggling child themselves because you're helping someone then then they're actually doing it's like the lab notab but there's a lot of things to learn from them. They have all around the world. You have people living in Wyoming and Mississippi and and and and and the Amazon and and and some a friend of mine told me now he was in he was in in Iceland in Greenland and there was a there and then they have children growing up between the lowest of the lowest of the lowest go around them. How are they able to do it? There's one trick that their kids are not that much more educated than us than our kids. They if they're being told you have a you have a mission to help you have a to put on film to another and to be help another lady light shabas candles and to be to do other things then not only they're not going to become like them they're going to become better heeden and that's exactly what's happening whenever you are if if my mission is to make to help my parents and to be nice to my sibling because my parents gave me like a a good feeling of you are helping you know you could be nice to your sibling then not only I'm not going to get influence in my sibling, I'm going to become a more of a proud Eid. This is something that's going to be given to us. You know, in the 1970s there was a there was a uh I said it here once in 1970s there was a a general in the army, the Israeli army that Alabuchi guy wanted to join the wanted to join his group to come into his uh kuta and his and he said no wait this guy is not joining the army. He's not joining my group. He's a fid that hated FID. He thinks he hates FM. Deep inside they all love us. It's just his pain. And so he went. So so the the general above him says, "Well, why do you care just taking this guy? Why do you care if you take him in?" He said, "No, you don't understand. Last time I had a kabatk in my group, the whole group came from and we are so worried that there's a whole protest. I was just there last week driving down the street and I I was for an hour missed an appointment because there was a haguna by the corner people laying on the floor maybe I don't know I don't know it's a conversation on his own but why are they protesting that the children shouldn't be drafted in the army why are we scared that one of our kids are going to go in the army they'll become fai and over here you have this this far general is scared of this kabaskatka because his whole audience is going to become so what is Kabad doing different and I'll think to myself my child to join the army is he going to remain from let alone not make Bus is he going to stay from what what am I doing but because they are being told that your whole tas in this world is to spread Hashem's light around the world and we don't need to be to sit in Wyoming and put out someone it's in your own house it's in your own neighborhood it's the own person in shield the other person in the gross that you meet and in the store and you have a and we all have we all to what to do to say to see another lady you say how are you doing great today your baby looks so cute you you see another she look ah it's amazing I see every day over here how you feeling you weren't here yesterday was this is and if aid like this walks at the show you don't say I don't want my son to cover with that Right? We all have this that when our children on the side and then our neighbors stop talking to our kids and then this hurts them even more. Whatever they don't see the the opportunity and that challenge they're notem they don't understand but really it's not like this happens. Why why are you so scared that your child is going to have a friend? Tell your tell your daughter to be be nice to that neighbor that just put on pants. Be nice to her. Be a mar she's in pain. Give her your child is not going to become like that kid. Not many people are seeing this on the camera. People I just had a story like mom recently and it's cooking in me. There was a a girl in Williamsburg that was she's going through her stage. The next door neighbor knows that I know this family called me up and said my daughter was best friends with this kid. I told my daughter not to talk to her anymore. They live in one building. They have to pass the step stairways every day. Yeah. Hope everybody's nodding. You know exactly what I'm talking about. I understand that person, but that's naive. Hashem gave you a challenge. Hashem gave a challenge to the whole building. Hashem gave a challenge to the whole neighborhood to deal with this kid. It's not like your kid move out. There's no such thing as bad influence. What? There's no such thing. Influence is only when you don't have a mission. That's exactly what we're talking about. I cannot influence get influenced by you if I'm here to influence you. I'm here to influence someone else. They cannot influence me. It has to go either way. If you're being told your children that that is selfishness, you do not you're not you're not the we're we're exclusive. Our doesn't let in people that that that do certain things of Shabas. What are you doing? You're creating yourself that if any storm any any new movement happens in the world this is going to be the first one to go down the that's understanding that of course my avoidance is myem but my biggest avoid is to make sure to be nice to whatever it is to create an environment every day to influence every person around me I think that's nobody's going to influence me if I'm here to influence others and we have we have a pointed case right away in front of our eyes look at and many others. I'm just using them as a sample example. I just happen to know about them. They are not being influenced by no one. We'll find a tiny percentage of them who I don't know if their percentage of falling out is less than us or more than us. I don't know. Also meaning they're not kabaskers. But the moment you understand that or you give or you take, it's no other way. There's no other way. If you're a taker, yeah, tomorrow and you know what? You can't even shelter your kids all the time nowadays for sure not. And if you're not training all your children to to be a a missionary for Hashem in the world, they are very susceptible to the infection of what's going on in the world, the virus that another boy is going to come to him and and and give him a smartphones and which we know the percentages are skyrocketing skyrocketing. I know exactly what's going on in the good yeshivas in the good schools. I know exactly what's going I'm there. I'm working with this all my life. So the kids that were not told by their parents that every time you do a mitzah it's not only mitz for yourself it's a mitzvah of the old the says every time you do a mitz you have to see as if the world was was a one more mitz in the whole world is we do this a lot and it's not only from said every time you do a mitzah before you start ding that I'm ding for the whole I'm not just ding for myself it's such a selfish when I d I for the I'm just ding for self even the ones that don't say that every that I do is the whole this is a method it's a very it's a shame that it was lost it's a lost art that not everybody's giving it over we have it but we're confused about it but we need to be very clear is telling your child that you are doing mitzvah not only you're going to go you're going to go the whole world needs our mitzvah You're doing a mitzvah the whole world is getting more. You're saying in Wyoming there's going to grow better apples. It's exactly like that. Look in the toilet. I said, right? You remember that nothing grew. Hashem gave a not me. It's about Hashem. My is not about me going to. And if you live that way, nobody can influence me. And if your child lives that way, nobody can influence that. And if a interesting person looking person walks into the shield or your neighbor's child that that's that's off and decided to come to shield with a big tattoos and you go over here's a coffee, feel yourself comfortable over here and your child sees that your child's not going to go off so fast. Your child's going to do the same thing. That's something that we need to understand that we are our other kids at home are not going to fall and drop like the other kids. If we tell them how important they are to us and helping us the family try to and if a child happens to go into their own journeys like the older sibling even after living like this that means that they had to go through that journey anyway. There's nothing to do. Even if the older kid wouldn't be there, that kid will still go through it because some kids have certain pains and certain issues that they have which which traumas or whatever they they went through it, they still need to go through that journey. But nobody gets influenced just by seeing another sibling like that. If they're being told that let's do this mission together. It's us. We are we are you not take responsibility. Again, you say it a million times. Us parents take responsibility. But we are all together a team and Hashem put us together in this house. Let's all together. I shared once a story that my my daughter didn't want to come down to Shabasa many times. The beginning when she was going through her journey and okay so I started ding like yesterday the play we're waiting for. So I waited a few minutes didn't come down. We ate the meal shid and then I went upstairs to my room to go to sleep at night and I see my daughter's room on the floor there's a tray with the kalas fish soup the meat beautiful napkins cutlery and I asked my wife did you did you prepare this for her she said no I right away I have a 12-year-old son myk and I went did you put that trade there I said that you know she didn't come down to the meal. She's going to wake up soon and she's going to be so hungry. I want to make sure that she has to like I had this conversation with him many many times. He's help you think he's going to get influenced. He's not going to get influenced. He's the influencer. He's so excited to to to just take care of his sister Aidart. He asked me many times like quietly like in his in his own age and the next time my nine-year-old feels if you want to tell her tell her. She'll be very happy if you tell her. And guess what? She likes a compliment even from a younger brother. This don't be scared to go into that waters. Yiddish kite prevails. Yiddish kite is real. Yiddishkite is strong. Nothing can if you're scared of your own yiddish kite, your other kids are going to feel it. And don't be scared. We weren't ghoulless the last 2,000 years. We were thrown into nations back and forth. We're still here. It's Christ. We were influenced by by by the Greeks and the Roman. Every type of our children have it in their genes. We have the most powerful genes ever. We have 2,000 years of fighter genes. It's like a link, a chain that has links. They say a chain is only as strong as the weakest link. all of us that are here from is because we had our Zidis and Babis and all the way up till mid was such strong links going through every wind and every gulas and every problem and every and we're still here that means it's in our genes we're the biggest fighters said he he was foraw the future he said thank you Hashem for putting me down now and not the last door before Msiah I would never be able to to to survive to be in those years I'd probably pick up my garment to run to da it. So, we're living it here now. We're being faced with something that the last 3 years, the last two hours and two hours from now is going to be even worse the way the world is. And we're strong and we're going as much as we can. You know why? Because you have 2,000 years of genes of parents that are fighters. We're not give upers. And our children generation later, the last generation is the most powerful generation. Yeah, you know, Msiah didn't come to them. It's coming to us. And our kids need to know this and hear this. And we talk to them about the shankas. I had a girl in our school. You know, obviously is one of the is a struggle that a girl has. and the and these girls that are going through their their journey are really really struggling with sneeze. So one day I decided I give a a lecture over there once a day a thinking class and one day I was I I decided I told the girls I want to talk about personal space that was the whole topic. So I said personal space is that when you talk to another person me someone stands and talks to me there's a certain amount of distance the way we're right but if it's a very crowded room you stand close to that person on on a city bus but if the room is empty you wouldn't stand like that close to someone right you but imagine someone is there and I'm here that's for sure not there's no so what is it there's about I think 17 to 22 in from the point of one person's nose to the other on average in an empty room when they speak people that are not close to you. I'm nothing about husband and wife of brother and sister on an average. Did anybody teach it to you? You learned it's just given to us. Some people need to be taught. Not everybody catches on to social cues. So they but there's a certain distance. It's my space and your space. It's arm length. Yeah. Some people talk you in the face a little too much and you back up and they come again. They're missing that tiny queue. They're great people. It's just they're missing it. But it's okay. Imagine you walk down to the park and there's a person sitting. Let's say a man. I'm walking down the in a park and there's a bench as big as a stable. There's a woman sitting here and I want to sit down. Where am I going to sit? Over here. I sit right over here. Right on a full busy city bus with one any empty seat you just sit down. But if it's empty the bus, you sit over there. You walk down the street, someone comes across you and if it's a woman or someone else, you naturally you both come and you make a little space and then you continue right a certain space around the person. So let's talk about space to the girls. Then I talked about so that's personal space and then I talked about shared space. So I said look at the kitchen counter. We have a nice kitchen over there. This kitchen counter is shared space. It's not only my space. My night table near my bed is my space. And when I blow my nose and I didn't have time to go to the to to put into into the dust bin into the garbage, I'm allowed to put my tissue down on my my my night table. But what do you put down after blowing your nose a tissue on on on the countertop? It's shared space, right? It's shared space. So naturally, you don't do it. You have it's not your space. It's a shared space. So I was talking about shared space. Then I was talking about space in the five senses. How about airspace? Air e a r space. If I'm sleeping and it's 12:00 at night, okay, in our dorm's a lot of noise at night, the the other girl is sleeping, you're putting on music. You invaded their space, their airspace, their e space. That person is sleeping. It's gazel. You woke up someone. You can't say, "I want to hear the music. If she doesn't want, let her close the ears." No. If it's the middle of the day, it's not a time to sleep. Maybe debatable. And how about smell space? The same thing. Obviously, you can't make foul smell in front of another person. You're you're invading someone else's space. And then we'll talk about all the other space. And then we talk about eye space sight. I said in America, in New York City, you can't walk out totally naked in the streets. Everybody understands it. You can't say you shouldn't look. It's it's my body, my life. I want to live like this. You're invading someone else's eye space. It's it's on. I left the conversation there. And this this conversation went on 45 minutes and back and forth. They're all sharing their stories. And that's all I was talking about. Within a few minutes, one of the girls said, "Now I get it." So when I come down to the shabasa with my miniskirt without tights and my brother-in-law which is making kdish is making kdish like that I'm evading his space his eye space. It's just like for me putting on a tissue on his on his private on his bed like that I just blew my nose with. I'm not allowed to do it. I'm hurting him. And then the other girls it was like oh I didn't say a word sine I didn't say the word sines. It's it's it's it's it's a trigger. Terrible words. Unfortunately, because it was given over to them sometimes in the very wrong way or they took it in the wrong way, but uh it's a trigger. So, what happened was the next week or two weeks later, I got phone calls and messages from a few parents. Why did you say did you talk about in your school? A lot of girls changed the girls. One one parent sent me a text that there was a sim and her daughter came to that sa with a regular long maybe whatever it is about but the long skirt she never walks around like that she understood I'm taking away other people's comfortability this is a place where everybody dresses how could I walk not covered how can I walk in or respectful how could I walk in irrespectful unrespectful in this place that's how you teach that is can't say let him not look doesn't work like that. Let them close the ears while they're sleeping. It doesn't go like that. It's someone else's space. Yeah. No, I was just going to add for you the same you brought in what you brought in about I happen to be a so you what I know internally. Someone once asked their one of their what how do you go into these dark places and not get affected, right? And the there's a quote that one of the is the lamper. Yes. Busy lighting one is after another being. Exactly. It's perfect. Musul talking. I remember that. You're right. Thank you for reminding me. One of the I'm just repeating that didn't hear you that he said that the person that goes out is a lamp lighter. You know, like they used to walk around with the lamps. If you're a lamp lighter, you can't get influence. You're the one influencing. And that's that's that's that's for sure. And this is something Yeah. And I think also it's practical for us. I think many of us share this like to understand like different ages when you were explaining to can we explain what we learned here in a practical way. Meaning can we explain to our 10 11 year olds our 12 year olds um that our child is in pain just like the way we look at a child. Yeah. Very good question. Very good question. Yeah. I'm happy you bring it up. We need to talk about it. We look at it. We understand it's a medication. It's a numbing tool. It's a it's a it's a painiller. Right. I get I get your question. 11y olds who are looking at it can understand how is he able to sit on the phone for 12 hours? How come he could play all those games? Right. So So she's asking what do we do with if the other kids are asking uh about the child that's struggling on on how the why why they're doing it and and can we tell the other child that your sibling is in pain and that's why they're doing it and they're they're going through a inner struggle. And the answer is yes. Absolutely. You should you should tell them and say that this is their struggle, you know, and we we all have our own struggles. We all have different things. I'm going to age what is there a minimum age? Uh probably seven and up. I'm assuming every child is different. But uh I'm going to leave you off with a story that I once shared and kashi ready. I have to I have to go. But I I just I I want shared already. I think that it's just going to wrap up this topic that we're talking about. Uh, a year ago, I took the girls to the school started. I was still the bus driver and uh, I mean, I'm still doing 25 hats, but at least I don't have to drive anymore. But at that time, I drove them. We have like this big sprinter. We took all the girls upstate to to the mountains. There was a a a a place that went boating and the councils went along. I dropped them off and I left. And when they were done, I picked them up and the girls came. They were jumping into the lake and everything, you know, they were dripping with water and everything and they were starving hungry. And I I I found that there's a kosher pizza store in the neighborhood that's open year round upstate in Fallsburg or somewhere. So I I went to the pizza store. I took the girls and then we walk in and it was quite empty middle of the you know was was after the summer and there was a couple sitting over there couple a 60-year-old couple and this person looks at me like this is the weirdest scene ever. You see me walking in with like at the time like 15 16 girls that looked like sadikim like with the before the even that's how sadikim they are and and the whole thing didn't make sense. They're like judging, judging. I'm telling you the judging. I wasn't projecting. They were taka judging. How do I know? Because they he calls me over and he says, "These are the dimension. Who are these people?" And I said, "Uh, naturally, I said these these are my sisters." He's like, he couldn't handle it. Fine. The girls were ordering this on pizza, this on the French fries, and his wife was like she could she was cooking. It was like boiling like a like a boiling machine, like a pressure cooker. And she calls over one of the girls and actually two girls came home. says the shapes. She thought and the girl says, "I'm sorry. I don't understand." I said, "A very good. I don't understand what you're saying." And she said, "That's how you go dressed. Everything is showing out." And she was being so explicit like she said, "Mom," she couldn't contain herself. And this girl, she she started up with the wrong girl. And the girl said, "I know. I know. You know, this is my struggle. Can you give me a bra that I shouldn't struggle with anymore? I should give you after that. And she's like these guys. You just have to buy the bigger clothes. Just going to the store. You know what you need to do? What? I know, but this is my struggle. Can't give me braha. And she scream back and forth. I know. I'm didn't get anywhere. This girl switched to Yiddish and said, "Be ashamed. Be embarrassed of yourself. I have my struggles and my struggles on the in the open. You're seeing my struggles. You also have struggles. It's just hidden. Nobody sees them. I This is my struggle and I'm asking you for you couldn't give it to me. And she walked away. And then they went the big room in the back. The girls were eating. And I was waiting the side. You know, I let them do theirs. And then as they're leaving the store, this woman got up, went to that girl and hugged her and said cried and she said, "I could be your grandmother, but you gave me a lesson that nobody in the world has. It's so true. I'm my struggles and you have your struggles. I'm really sorry that I attacked you like that. I get into You've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by tora anytime.com.