Kesher Nafshi - 14 Bridging the gaps in our marriages

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com. Everybody, it's so exhausting after Shabas after Shabas like this. But on the other hand, it's so invigorating. So I feel so empowered, so amazing, so much energy. This is like on one hand is very draining a shabas like this and the other hand is like mom's rejuvenating picking up so much from all all Everybody's a giver and a taker to shabas. Everybody is sharing and taking to receiving. It's just amazing. So the topic tonight, what was the name of the topic? It should be like No, I was trying to find the exact word. Bridging the gap in our marriage. Gaps in our marriage. No, I know the topic. I don't know the exact line. He's asking if it's possible. You married 40 years and still asking? Not possible. Okay, I'm just going to start with a a gdank. Uh I'm not going to talk to a lot tonight. We're going to talk more practical. I just want to start with a few days mish a few days to to m a few days where going to be there's some kind of message that I want to talk about then we're going to bring it out to our marriages to our life. We all know the medish, the famous medish father want to give us the tit. He sent a malik to go around to all the nations. There's a famous song on it from from Yamik and then no I'm not related to Yik and Freed sings a song that he went around to all the nations and he asked them do you want to be Mab the Tyra and we all know the answers that every nation that he went to and they did he do it the Malik was very uh shrewd he was keen he wanted to give the toy to end what did he do he came to every nation and he was talking to them about their own weakness So if they asked him what are the terms and conditions what says in the and let's say he spoke to he spoke to and and and they struggle with he says it's enough and they said no no we don't want the then he went to the other countries he went to every nation and when they asked them what does it say in the he told them their weakness their part of the which is going to be the hardest for them to keep and they said no he wanted to So then when it came to the Eden, the Malik asked him, "Do you want to be the Eden said? We're doing it. We're in." And then Vishma later on we'll we'll ask we'll find out what the deals are. What what's the deal? What what are the terms and conditions? The the reason why the Malik asked and told every nation their weakness, their weak points is because the way they asked they said the didn't understand that when is giving us a he wants a relationship it's not about the rules it's about the relationship the creator of the world he even created AI AI was also created by someone someone said in the future you want to explain to someone a child what does it mean? So you're going to have to say the AI of all AIS. So theam that created the whole world is interested in usal didn't ask. So the Malik didn't go and right away say to tease us with something that we are struggling with. He said you want it you got it. When someone doesn't understand what it means a relationship, they're very busy with the rules is not about the rules. It's about the relationship to and us. So he gave us a he gave us a means to an end of relationship. He gave us a means what to do certain things like this. We have a shas you do mitzvah miz you do you do shabas whatever it is every mitzvah that you do is we have a sham he gave us a way of course in the toilet also says because if there's no rules then the relationship can't last but the relationship is not based on rules the relationship is based on a it's based on the relationship itself of wanting to be close wanting to have a shak with the other many people throughout the generation ations were struggling with this very aspect of ydishkite and it's true that ydishkite is about the rules we have to keep it to the ess's and the l's it's like shabas I remember a few years ago I I I made even a video of it I remember I I it was a shabas there's a park around the corner of my house khaki park in in manello and I walked with my kids a shabas we figured you know it's not too far might as well go a little bit fat And we come to the entrance of the park. There's a huge sign. Huge sign. And it says no soliciting, no littering, no dogs, no no. I'm looking what kind of park is this? And then that's a shabas. We are told so many things that we can't do on Shabas. Shabas is not about what you're not allowed to do. Shabas told me drive that light. That's not Shabas. That park is not about what we're not allowed to do in the park. The rules are in order for you to enjoy the park and everybody else that comes there, you can't walk have a dog without a leash. You can't throw down your empty water bottle on the floor. You have to keep it for the other person. You have to enjoy the park. In order to enjoy the park, you have to have some rules. But the park going to the park is not because I want to keep the rules. Shabas is a mitzvah. It's a mitzvah of doing. Why is the mitzvah of Shabas of Hashem said very explicitly in the Torah? Hashem said I rest. I want you to rest. This is this is of course how do you rest? You have to have some rules to do certain things that shouldn't take you away from the prime purpose from the prime enjoyment of Shabas. You have to have the rules of you can't cook and you can't do certain things. Shabas is not about what you're not allowed to do. I remember my daughter came home from school. I think it's and we'll talk about the the malas and then uh pink that there was a little girl from across the street her daughter the girl went to a different school and she also brought it to my house. So I was looking it was very interesting many years ago and the other girl had like this can see this you're not allowed you're not allowed to do this you're not allowed to do that the whole book was everything that you're not allowed to do shabas and my kids had in there I don't know was a very great teacher it was about shabas kesh on every page was a picture of a girl eating ice cream and a girl playing jump ro the jump rope and another girl going in a swing and one of the things that was that you're not allowed to do on Shabas. And it said on every page, circle the thing that you're not allowed to do on Shabas. So with the 10 things of Shabas is all about eating and enjoying and and dressing nice and clean and everything. It's one thing just two teachers giving over Shabas. My son went to put to to for the mitzvah to uh to learn you know we send our today. It didn't exist in my times and we he sent them to teach them. So the go that the 13-year-olds before the 13 they go to for 6 months and and some of the teachers finished and as he tells me I can't he learned everything all the from I called the guy that that does it's a private person not not from the asked him did you teach my son what is he said be here and here. Why did he say second? I said great. He he knows that. Does he know what is to fillain? He's looking at me. I'm crazy. I said, do you know what film is all about? Film is a love letter. It's a letter that's tied to your hand arm that's closest to your heart and to your brain. And to think every morning, It's a love letter that we have between us and the says that at the very same time puts on film and he also has a love letter on his head and says they if you put in two hours of teaching them you have to put in six hours of teaching what is all about and all the other mitzvah it's amazing that we are we're doing good we're teaching kali exactly all the rules of the relationship. We're missing the main part of the relationship. We're not having a relationship. There's not a relationship with Shabas. If you only think about what you're not allowed to do, you not over on shab. It's not about not being over. It's about doing shabas and all the other mitzvah. And the same thing is when it comes to marriage. a couple that came into me once many times and sitting over there and she's complaining about her marriage. She gives out a rant. She talks about the gun mish and he's sitting there like flam I don't know what the right word is. I can't pronounce it. Flabbergasted. Flambergasted. I I always get it wrong. So he's like wow like what what happened? You know what I do? I take out the garbage. You know, men have three jobs in the house. Yeah. We take out the garbage. We're supposed to. We kill the spiders. And we open the cans, the very hard cans. A few jobs. That's what men do at home. So he says, "I'm doing all my jobs and I'm bringing on Panusa. I'm doing everything." I don't even know why she's complaining. And she says, "Yes, it's true. He has a job. He does the other few jobs, but I feel alone. And the guy doesn't even know what she's talking about. I feel alone. She says, they have another couple coming in. And she says, yeah, he doesn't do everything. He doesn't do this. He's not always taking other garbage. I need to tell him six time. Men forget very quickly. You have to remind us certain things we need to be reminded. So it's not because we don't love you, don't care for you. We forget. And the other one says, "My husband is thinking about me 24/7. He has I'm the most important person to him. He's thinking about me. I know when I tell him I had a toothache in the morning, 3:00 in the afternoon, he'll call me, how's how's your tooth?" And I already forgot already. He's really thinking. He's in tune in my feelings. He's thinking about me. Okay, he's not doing the technical things so much, but I have feel I have a husband. Of course, everybody wants everything. [Applause] the Bashma which is the Reb of all the Rebas. He came with a very very very strong message to and he said wants our heart. He wants us to be in tune in the relationship 24/7 as a whole is we are we are like the wife and the same it goes back and forth wants us to be in tune that's the had took all his biggest that we're doing everything according to the books they were doing everything right and he was telling them it's not enough. And he told one Talmet, "I want you to go to this and this place. Be there for an hour and come back." He goes to that place and he says, "There's going to be a big rock. Hide behind the rock. Stand by the water. Come back." He's standing there for an hour and he sees up as this. In the olden days, the shepherds were mamesh. They didn't know any basics of yiddishkite. And this shepherd, this past while his sheep were were drinking water in the stream over there. He was jumping over from one side to the other. They said tum tum tum tum only oneish word this guy knew in his life and he wanted to dive into their body. He said to and he couldn't stand it this time was like if he's screaming to let him scream too hard he scream and the guy got confused to it didn't work came back to bashto told him that person screaming every single day to was more than your ding with all the and and and and and your whole it's not doesn't come And we know we have grew up in knows about I think everybody knows by now hundreds of stories like this. He was constantly training his of course you have to be with the rules and everything no question about it but the is to understand that from the heart from the heart many times doesn't know basic he knows connected this is called a relationship this is called something that's that that that needs to be discussed when it comes to having an assign a challenge in the family like the nin that we're dealing now that what we're talking about this whole shabas this whole shabas this our whole life is taken over by this nar this is like this tops it all off what's required is even more to be on the same page age and to try to be in tune in each other and understand. And the biggest issue is when we have a different opinions and how to deal with it. But we'll get to how to deal with different opinions in a minute. Even if we have different opinions from our spouse on how to deal with the you know you should have said that no I was Russell he said that's not what he meant. He meant the other you should have you should have now you have to put on a foot. He says she says But you know what? It's actually very healthy to disagree. It's very healthy to disagree in something that's so deep like this. But as long as both feel that we are in it together, we are sharing the same pain. We are just, you know, you you're taking one side, you're taking the other opinion on how to deal with it. As long as you feel that you're in it together, And this is going to bring me how to technically get there and then we'll wrap it up. One of the most beautiful things that kali does nowadays much better not good enough getting better. What we do is we take a and we give them training before they get married. What we do is we have the lessons, the kala lessons o how to treat a wife. We teach bias all over. I I want to give a whole different lecture to every that come to me get it from me. I teach something the opposite of I teach bias. You don't like it. I teach makers bias. Sounds very good. It sounds good. You we do it naturally, right? No, I want to do the right way. Exciting. Bias is something that has to be taught to every and every color. There is going to be many many many many disagreements in some things that are very valuable in your values, in your life, in equality, in your challenges that you both are going to have opposite and opposing opinions. We need to know how to fight. We need to fight what? Teach only this side. Only this side. Good. We have to teach bias. And you know what? Most that happen because people don't know how to have a mus. If you don't know how to have a micas, it turns into a war. How do you say in Yiddish or in English? Disagreement. It's a disagreement. We have disagreements. And then there's such a thing. It's called a war. If you don't know how to have a disagreement, you're going to end up having a war. So bias means not war. bias is a very healthy thing. I remember as a little kid and I was learning the gum and they was starting to teach me. I was like I translated as a as a fight as a war. It's not a war. It's a disagreement. The gans to is this it's back. This brings out the whole the masa from the gamura the the the the subtotal could only happen because there were different opinions you understand and then he get to final conclusion. Then he gets clarity. I think it's the most awesome thing to know how to disagree and even to fight but definitely not not to have a war. A war is suitas. So if we know how to disagree, we agree to disagree, we agree to have it out, we agree that we're not going to get to the bottom, we're going to have this and this person is going to is going to have the end and say that particular thing that we can't get to a conclusion. And that's that's awesome. But we get turned off. We get in a fight. We get distant from each other because we don't know how to fight. How do we fight? You got to store. You get this big uh gloves. I think that the first ingredient to have a very healthy fight, it should never be as a by the way. It should never be while your wife is is uh mixing steering the pot. And it shouldn't be while your husband is at work. Your husband could be standing on the ladder being electrician trying to put on a thing and you call him up. What are we talking about? you know, like the most heaviest conversation ever. And whatever he's going to answer is going to be wrong. And then he's going to be held accountable for you said it. And he says he doesn't remember you said it because it was in the middle of a just a business meeting or driving a truck or giving a shed. And the same thing with the wife. You come over to her and you ask her like something out of the blue. She whatever you answer is wrong. So any heavy conversation has to be by appointment only. You say, "My dear wife, my dear husband, I want to discuss with you A, B, and C. When is a good time?" I know the men hate it when the women say, "We need to talk." That's like, "Forget it." That's a killer. What happens if there's no appointments available? I was sure that we come from that side. That I'm shocked they came from this side. I might be on the wrong side. You the wrong side. I think if it would be done in the right way, men would not have an issue having that we need to talk type of moment. I think though I was telling people, you know, would talk about the sales. I said that's when Hashem says we need to talk and nobody likes, you know, it's like accountability every now and then is good. It's good to talk. But if you know you're going to have a very healthy conversation and you're going to sit down and you're going to say, "You know what? Tomorrow night 8:00 we're discussing our child." The discussion we have, should she go back to school? Did it go back to school? Should she this? Should we that? Should we encourage? Should we not? Should we let her boyfriend into the house? Should we not let the boyfriend into the house? Whatever we we we're dealing with. It's not like, "Oh, I told her she could come. Why don't we told her she could come?" You ask your wife. You ask your husband. We have to really really have this fight is encouraging fight. Ouch. It doesn't sound good, right? Someone is going to clip out just that 30 seconds and put it out out of context. Yeah. It says, right? It says you should you should say to just the ping before that is explaining it. But if you cut out out of context. So the first thing is we set a time and we say we are going to discuss this and this topic and then when you sit down over there you're going to say you're both going to be breathing very heavy probably even more if it's this conversation we are ready to disagree respectfully you talk she talks she talks you talk you listen you mirror back you just said that the best thing should be this and this you feel that this is the best way I want to explain to you why I feel it's not right What do you say? What do it has to be? You could disagree, you know, but I disagree because I feel it's okay. And he may come before that when we're going to be done, we're best friends again. It's okay. We need to get We need to get it out. Respectful dialogue. A respectful dialogue. And and and and as long as both are set for it. It's not as a B. It's not like flying out of the, you know, it has to be an official conversation. Anything heavy, you don't have to have official conversation. when we discussed you know she pick up the milk milk from the grocery and you could just text or call and say pick up the I don't like texting a marriage ml but on maybe to a grocery list maybe but definitely not something heavy disagreeing is a very healthy thing because it lets us realize sometimes that we're wrong we have we're living in a certain in a certain in our own perspective the way we see the whole thing and And we we we get used to this. This is the way we saw the world. You like people say they're open-minded. You ever you ever met a person that's not open-minded that thinks that they're not openminded? I I haven't met I even spoke to to to everybody's open-minded like everybody's open-minded. Everybody's open-minded. So what what is the real definition of open minded? Again, that's my open-mindedness. My perspective I think open-minded is that I'm open to really understand the other person's perspective and if that person's perspective makes sense to me I'm ready to change my perspective according to that I think that's what means open-minded and if that's the definition of openminded there's very few people out there open-minded very few we're all prejudice prejudice yeah we're all prejudice we all have our So when we have to go through this para this sugi that we're dealing with with our children that are struggling and they go through all these we we anyway shedding so many layers of ourselves we all became sadikum we gave up our image we gave up our ego we gave every our money our finance our shabas tables we give one more thing one more layer we needed to shed your prejudice and the close-mindedness perception of understanding what is all about and what crisis is all about. You're going to get to such clarity to such gr and understanding of what it is to have a real delicate conversation and get to the bottom of it and try to figure out what is the best thing for our child right now in this moment. If we have that, there's going to be such a real bias after the bias like never before. And we're going to thank our kids. We're going to say, you know what? You brought us to a higher level of working out of what it is and how we should really see the disagreement and different perspectives and how to deal with our two kids. One of the very strong points in in this parl is the idea of getting to a place where we are becoming better yeden. We are we have our kids challenging us. So so why I I just had Friday mom Thursday Friday was here just Thursday woman told me she has her daughter that stopped wearing tights. not not a kid that's like in crisis kind of kid she said she came comes home takes off her tights and that's how she walks around she moving the street and started telling her she said what do you mean I walk down the other neighborhoods and you know she lives in this neighborhood the m the other neighborhood and all the the modern girls work like this it's not against the toy so the woman is like crying to me what what should I tell my daughter I said I don't know who says there's a problem what do you mean we you have to wear tights I said who says She's like, "Thinking a second." And her husband says, "What do you mean? It's it's you have to I said I said no problem." I didn't give them my perspective. I didn't want to. And I'm not saying anything. I told them I wanted to go home or go to someone that alone. You have another that you have to get clarity on. Is it an issue? Is it not an issue? How far? this that he sent me a text a few hours later he said I just got a full he he called up someone he's not the type to really learn on his own and he called up his d someone that he went what's the real the dy explained to him I'm not going to say what he passed on camera but he told him that you know whatever you should do so and so but this person said that what changed him is that he realized that there are so perspectives and understanding just because I I grew up one way. But if you have a challenging kid, if you're going to put down a foot for the wrong kid in the wrong and you're going to push them off the edge and then and once they go downwards, they they go they find we know they go very quickly. So you have we have to pick and choose our battles these days and sometimes it forces us to become more understanding of what is all about and what to is all about and what's aid and what's a what's a what's not a and what kind of plain this this we we didn't want to go through all of this. We wanted to just live like like robots the way we grew up from our parents which is great and Hashem said no I'm going to send you a child that's going to make you become a better ye and understanding someone asked me a few times people asking me why should I tell my kids they're asking me the elder I said yes that's what Hashem wants from you since I'm in this for a couple of years I had to learn a lot of things I just became a better Eid I'm even more in love with Hashem and the Torah and I understand and then there's many things that I had to say you know what who says I have to be mak on this maybe now is not the time maybe certain things is just and you know what and working this out together between husband and wife and going through the certain things that Hashem wants us to sift through the tiny and the little things that what what is what what what is it that you put on a foot where you don't what what were you strict where you not strict I think this is something that all of us are gaining through this design. Yeah. When you're having your open-minded appointment talk, what if you don't come to an agreement? What if you're at a stand? Okay. So, so you say we're going to have to think about it again and let's sit again about it. Let's talk about tomorrow night again. And if you don't get to guess tired, whatever. You don't have to end the you don't have to get to a decision the first meeting. We'll talk about very heavy concepts over here. Or you can say, you know what, we both need to get educated more. One person, what this is the way to do it. You can say, no, what what tells you? Oh, let's let's listen together to another sh now. There's so many there's so much stuff online. So many good sham on this topic. I'm going to catch enough she alone you have. I don't know how many. And there's so many there's so much education on this topic. And really, we should all be listening together. Not not on your own. You should always be listening together, listening or watching. It depends what type of family you have. At least listening together to the same shiman. Consult with a professional and then you can say if we don't get to the conclusion, we decide whatever this person says they're going to follow. Yes, that's what you end up doing. But the main thing is to grow together, not to grow apart because many marriages what happens is one person reads this one and these books and the other books and then then we're not on the same page and then it's again a issue. If we're in the same mass at the same time, I think it's very important to listen to the same lectures together. We we should all go back, you know, if Shiman and and all the other speakers over here, we every shabas is a add-on to the last. It's not most of the things are not repetition. It's it's you should go back to the first shabas. I listen to the to the lectures together and then go to the second one, third one, fourth one. It's it's it's going to change. It first gives us it reminds us what what we're what we're doing here. And it's it's it's just unbelievable. The information is out there. I think we could all do it. But if you listen together, you grow together, I think it's it's it's definitely going to make a lot of uh bias. You're not going to have to use bias to create. You want to have some. Okay. Okay. Any questions? I should continue. Okay. That's good. It makes it easy for me. How do you give over the love of Hashem to your children? You said you became a better Yid became a better higher realize was a mitzvah. How do you give that over? Children are struggling this and that. What's your best to give it over? Not that you you personally have to give it over to them that they also should enjoy their relation to right. So this comes to the to the beginning. You were here in the beginning of the you came in the middle. So at the beginning of the conversation we're talking about that the main the main the main thing of a relationship is is the is the emotional connection. Of course the rules are also important. So if we try to get a child to keep Shabas I think it's a very complicated thing to teach them. How about we teach them to enjoy Shabas to connect Hashem through enjoying Shabas and then also of course it comes along with rules that you can't smoke a Shabas. We we have to stop the lingo of talking you have to keep the tora you know you have to live the tora it's like it's different words it's it the rel it's not about it's keeping the tora mitz of shabas is about relationship it's about the relationship between us and between us and other people obviously the mitz that that are all the other things obviously and all the other mits in the but to get someone to keep shabas why what do we mean to keep shabas why should talking about not keep shabas. Okay, you're touching on a very different different subject. You talk about teenagers that don't know what to do with that. They're plugged out. They don't go to shil. They're not excited with the shabas meal shabasidas and shabas is very long for them. For those teenagers, Shabas is a gehenna. I know I deal with teenagers. So that's the difference. Huh? What's the answer? What's the answer? So So definitely to them this is very very difficult. Shabas. But that's not what Shabas is all about. So I'm going to say that for a person that's in the wrong place at the wrong time, Shabas could be very hard for them. If a person in the wrong place in the wrong marriage, the wrong time, the toy is very hard for them. So a person could be in in a m of of a nagina. Yeah. The husband is is in a in a coma, right? She's a nina. So you're going to say the whole idea of of not being able to get married to second husband before you divorce your first one is is is a a bad is is a complicated thing from the no it's the greatest thing ever that's what keeps marriages certain people are in certain times that that mitzah doesn't work for them and wants that person to go through that at that time but you can't say that it's not a good thing that says in the shabas is the best that over I said that you believe that is the best If Charlie comes over to you and says, "Right now, we finished this sudo. It's 1:00 this is 7:00. I have 6 hours of very big boarding, right? My what do I do? What would you explain to them? How you I would explain to them first that chabas is the most awesome thing for 99% of Eden 100% of the time for a teenager that's like you that's disconnected and you don't enjoy even even to to go learn. I would tell you that know that Shabas is good. Say it's not working for me now. So what could I do to make my shabas easier? And the answer is you tell them to plan ahead. You tell them to plan ahead. I do I have I have a girl school and and they always ask they say I want to start keeping. Keeping you know what keeping means? Keeping shabas. I want to start keeping and it's just too hard to tough. So I keep it till Shabas and then I get straight on my phone. It's true. But if you they plan ahead. I always tell them plan ahead. Shabas happens every week. Don't get it by surprise. It's going to happen two days from now. Well, what are you supposed to plan? Like what are you what are you talking about? What do they plan? I'll tell you what they plan. They got together this Shabas I had my daughter and many of our friends they took out of Airbnb. Actually they took out I took out Airbnb for them. They were in Pennsylvania somewhere. So spoke to us had a great time. It was awesome and they all kept it was very difficult for them to keep Shabas. They held a few friends together and they were in a nice place. They were walking. It was not far from the mountain side over there. They were able to keep. I hope they said they kept it. It's again you have to plan ahead but if the child first needs to understand that shabas is a gishmak but a lot of our kids don't even know that shabas is gishmak even for the parents it's not they don't see gishmak they see shabas as oh shabas you have to sit by the shabas I don't know where you grew up but I know where I grew up to sit mid the back mid the hit you're not allowed to take off your head by the seed the you have to sit straight the shabas meal is like a structure type of thing yes you don't like shabas and you go and your father ds in the should that ds the longest and you have add and you're not interested in that ds for 6 hours and then in the sh it's like a sh that everybody judges you have to shake like that and shake like that you're a cool guy so they hate shabas of course they hate shabas you have to d in on a shield that's you have to make a shabas meal the songs that they like not only be stuck with your altac maj that works if it works for you but if your kids don't like it why do going to do you have to make the shabas see the gishmak shabas is awesome if you don't someone doesn't enjoy shabas they never they were given a gift they were given a Cadillac rights and and without tires shasham shash they're missing the whole thing I understand teenagers that are a lot of our teenagers that that are already struggling or pre- struggling it's very difficult to shab sit with them and have a conversation with them shabas is happening in two days just want to remind you it happens every like a clock. It happens. It actually happens. Like after Thursday comes, Friday, they go Shabas. They're like, "What are we doing?" After Shabas, all the teenagers are calling, "What am I doing tomorrow? Where am I going?" They're shocked. They're like out of their moms didn't know Shabas is coming. It's a shame. So I tell them, "Shabas got Kim plan. Go to this friend. Go to that friend." It works out. It works out. He tried to make you say, "Listen, it's not going to be so difficult for you Shabas all your life. Once you're going to get married, you're going to be so excited to be home with your wife and not having to work and put your foot on the couch and relax and enjoy the shabas and enjoy the family and enjoy the singing and enjoy the davining and enjoy the whatever it is. Good food and good clothing and nice and beautiful shabas tables. Shabas is awesome. Some of us are a little bit stuck in our certain ways the way we want our to most people need to change certain shabas. I'm telling you this is one of the strong things I was last week in I was called there was a shabas over there fork that are regular healthy boys that are in the in the in all the cats he's realized the need and he created it's a shabasi fork we're going to do it worldwide everybody wants to do it now that was The first chabas I did it they flew me in. I was there last chabas from Thursday night till Monday morning till Sunday morning I was bringing with the regular high league the langapas how many of them were complaining that shabas is hard for them it doesn't mean that even if it's hard they're not going to touch a phone but it's difficult for them some of them again you have certain book and they're able to learn a few hours afternoon now in the summer it's very long so we're discussing this I said is this shabas difficult for you they said no I said plan ahead There's certain things you could do, certain things you could you could enhance. And then Bkh were asking me questions. I was speaking for them. We'll talk about Shabas, we talk about the to talk about marriage, we talk about so many things, different topics and giving them answers. And it was me and a few other the don't know basics certain things that the mamish never heard the answers they give of things. We assume they know. They don't know. We assume they know. They don't know. We need to talk more and the gmuck and everything sits ask yeah I don't I don't talk to you're done with it basically I don't have a question but the way I do it I'm married 20 plus years and many when I first got married I made up with my wife that I do all the big decisions she does all the small decisions married 20 plus years never had a big decision yet you see listen the the conversation facial is getting too serious. I appreciate the comedy. The point is you ever brought a balta to your shabas table. You know is the best ever. The best you could do bring a person that just came to y go to pick off and set him down with he's like an awe. You never saw a family sitting together and eating and singing and enjoy. Sometimes we need to see it through through the outside perspective. Like there just every detail he's singing meet us and and he wants to learn the translation. The problem is that none of us know the translation. We say we have no clue what we're saying. And then our kid comes to the table with their phone. Kids comes to the table with the phone and they're like, "Is this a religious house?" That's a different topic. that when when they come and they join of course but you know everybody likes good things yiddish kite is very good the problem is that we assume that our kids know everything they don't and they don't because many of them were added too many things to their yiddish kite and too many too many and add on things and they they're missing the whole excitement the whole enjoyment of yiddish it's a shame so we need to m start talking like we have at home once and and Tennifly and um he was uh before lining for every piece of line we are going to read about told the Moses when he came out and he told Moses what and he gave like all thing and I was like oh wow that that's what we're going to lie now amazing and the next piece I like why did you do it in our show do all in our show let's go I guarantee most people if If just knowledge is missing, it's just knowledge is the most awesome thing in the world on this world. Let only get in this world. Really? How many mitzvah do you have to do in a day out of the 613? Most of it has to what exactly is Yiddish standing here anyway? From 7:00 a.m. to 10 p.m. is to be stuck in that building and and is to be stuck with those two and learning all these things that has no clue. And yeah, yikat is very difficult for a guy like that. I once heard from aid that became Shiva for many years and he son became a mitzvah and he's thinking which should he put his son in. He lives in Shalim and he's thinking I'll put him in my son's going to know how to learn. He's going to learn to more but then he said but the is going to learn you know not not only you're going to the singing and he put him with he felt he wanted some kite is not only technical it has to be so he figured the have it better out he sends his son comes home the first day is all excited do what did he learn first half a day we'll learn and the second half a day we learn did they learn any And he said, "No, just next day, next day, next whole week passes by and all his learnings, a little bit as a child, you have to learn a little bit. Did he have a he got so upset? Like he's like he's learning about the ker went up to I don't understand is this. I thought you can have every morning the after dening with you could sing a song and talk about theat from the saddic of that day get inspired by the stories that we should emulate them and we should we should become like them and and and then go to learn and then singing bying and then learning again is supposed to be he said that that manal took the he said I wish I wish all the other monalam would would change. He said you could learn to you can learn to you can learn to like the guys ah to take out the garbage again today. You know I'm doing my okay I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Some people have 613 problems to solve and some people have 613 privileges. Some people are waiting for the wives to ask them for another thing to do for them. They want to they can't wait to show them more that I'm here for you. Ask me for something else or the husband vice versa. They we're waiting if you're in a real good relationship and a loving relationship. You you're to do to do that again. Some people okay 15 minutes I'm out of here. you know, you're missing the whole the whole zach. So, one of the greatest ways that we have a gift that we have this big challenge that we're dealing with and we're going to use this as an opportunity to grow close together, have it out, have the bias to bring us to the bias and to work it out and it should get us closer and clear of what a relation is supposed to look like between us and Hashem and should be the in a few days from now. We should understand the real which is the relationship that is craving to have with us. You've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by tora anytime.com.