Kesher Nafshi -12 - Lessons learned from operating a high school for struggling Girls

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com. We had a uh what a shabas. Amazing amazing amazing shabas. So many times I've Yeah, I think a mic. What? There is a mic. No, this is we confi. We could uh we could go home with a mix we go home with a mixed feelings. One hand full of full of advice, full of support and everything else. At the same time it's such a heavy shabas because uh you know we are we are empaths by nature by by by it's in our genes to have to carry other yen's burdens and we listen to other you know whoever had the opportunity to listen to a friend over shabas and so much agony and different pain and different thing that other people are carrying just makes it so we go home with a happy heart and we go home with a heavy heart. But one thing is for sure, the is definitely uh greater the advice and everything else that we picked up. So tonight, I want to share a few things that I learned from from the school that I have, the girls that I'm dealing with, and I think that this could be a something that could for all of us that we could take it along forever. That's Hashem. A lot of us I have this to work for so many years with boys and now is the first time I started working with girls. They're so different and so the same. They're the same that they do risky behavior. They're the same that they uh think they know everything. And uh it's it's teenagehood. It's it's in general that's a and and they're so different in so many ways that I think that for me now I got the full picture the full picture the stuff that's going on in the yeshivas the boys with these kind of yes is yeshivas I'm talking about with the boys kips and that are struggling it's so important to have I think I want to bring one day all the staff from the yeshiva that I worked with to come the girls and and this to just what's really happening uh I'm not going to get into the other part of the conversation where definitely not on camera where the girls and the boys interact on the on their own between themselves but I'm saying for the staff at least for the people working with them what's really happening here and this is something I think I want to bring out a few points that's going to be very helpful for all of us to understand what's going on in the psyche at least a little bit to try to understand what's going on in a teenager's brain and uh hopefully that's going to give us a little more more clarity and more a sense of how to deal with them, how what to do and what not to do. Alba was a very big is a famous he wrote about is a famous planting and seeding and building in is one one of his. So he said one of the greatest thing after all advice that he gave he says so someone asked to if you can give me the whole how to deal with kids in general not only kids and he says is Mike don't rule. It's like sometimes you think by adding and telling and giving advice and pushing and and don't do this and I'm going to you know people are doing so many calculations to try to get their child to get to a certain place sometimes they could be more harmful than just sit back and and don't like he said just don't don't ruin your child and just just get there but that's a general general advice a general like sometimes just just let let the kid be let them go through their own their own uh finding of themselves are creating themselves in the world. I say my child is finding themselves. They're creating themselves. They're going through. So I I think I'm going to start with two three examples that we had in the school recently that I I think that was very very uh informative of me and the staff members to certain things. First of all, we all First of all, they're fixing the camera. First of all, the amount of sensitivity that we have in these kids. I was just telling someone before I was talking to the aas between the kids, between the girls, how they care for each other so deeply. This is something that doesn't exist in the regular systems. There something is not exist even by with the boys the book that I dealt with all my life when you go to you go to a wedding from one of these these the one of the that gets married you ever been to a wedding from one of the kips that get one of the outcast you go to the wedding you see all the friends are dancing like the mom's like their own brothers getting married it's so and they're kissing and hugging and it's like a whole excitement and it's real you should know that it's real you go to regular the regular boys that come out I don't see what's going on the women's side I don't the But they go to yeshiva book and one boy gets married and everybody's walking like that and everybody worried that looking at them so they can't really give it out and they can't it's not so real. The real people are the ones that are our kids are so real and so and so sensitive and so in tune that you see in their friendships how real it is. Obviously when there's a fight and the disagreement between them it's also much deeper because they they're they're so in pain because they want the connection so deep from one one kid to the other. But what we are seeing in the school the aas the connection the the love and the and the caring that they have one for the other is amazing and that's something that I think of us parents to realize is this is taka they're craving with us also they're craving to have a very deep and sincere relationship they don't want to just just say ah good morning how are you I'm going to work see you in six hours from now 10 hours from now that's not good enough for them they want you to sit down and talk to them and and have a conversation they want to they want to have some shy to They want to have much deeper connection. They I see it. I see the way they are between their friends. I know this is what they're craving and that's what they want with us. And when they're going to get it and they're going to experience real healthy emotional relationships, it's Hashem. Hopefully, they'll be able to have that relationship with Hashem. A little kid, a child that's born, a person who who's first God, who's the first Hashem, their mother. The mother takes care of them. The mother gave birth to them, the mother nurses them and takes care of them and gives them food and changes their diaper. A a child's first god is their father and their mother. Who then? This is this is their image. And if someone grows older and they don't have a very healthy and strong relationship with their parents, they're not going to have a strong and healthy relationship with Hashem. So we we constantly trying to get people to have a relationship with Hashem before we're trying to have them a relationship with their with their own guardians, with their own people that that are that are that are there for them, their father, their mother. It could even be a a teacher, a principal, anybody that they look up to, their first god, the first person they look up to is is is is their parents. So sometimes whatever it is that severed that relationship, it could be them, it could be us, it could be someone outside of them, someone that created some kind of trauma, whatever it is, all they're really craving is to create a real deep relationship. That's what they really want. All they want is a real sincere relationship. And how does a sincere relationship look like? As sincere relationship looks like when you're able to tell someone what bothers you. If you create a space in yourself and you tell your child I am ready. Tell me tell me what am I doing wrong? How could I be a better parent? When is it that I hurt you? What is it something that I did that that that triggered you? Tell me what is it? Don't wait for 10 years from now. They should tell you that they should tell you right now. This is something that creates a place and tell them you could tell me criticism. I want I want to be criticized. You know nowadays you go shopping, you go into any store, you go into Home Depot, you're going to Target and they the receipt prints out so long, right? They get longer and longer. I don't know why it gets like and one of the things on the bottom you never read it says fill out the survey. You're going to go into a lottery. You could win $5,000 if if you answer the question. What are the questions on the survey? Tell us criticism. They're paying us that we should tell them how can we become better. This is business nowadays. This is a good thing. We should do these surveys with our kids every now and then. How am I doing? How am I doing as a daddy? Tell me. I ask the girls in school, how am I doing? I ask them. I ask them all the time, what else could I do? I don't have to give into everything what they say, what they want. Of course not. But I I I listen. Tell me what what could we do? Which staff member would do you like? What don't you like? What's because otherwise, you know, we need to make surveys all day. If we want to improve, we have to be able to listen and to hear criticism. And ultimately, this is the relation that we're gonna have with if you look at the you see is talking to the like he's criticizing Hashem, so to speak. That's how it looks like. He constantly crying in in in you can think like he's he's bipolar. Like in one we're going to see he talks about I'm so angry at you. Why you so distant like you you why you you you're not listening to me and I'm trying and here and Hashem I love you so much with that like like whoa. But you know what that's a real relationship. Imagine you get married and and you're not able to tell your wife or your husband a criticism something bothers you about them. You're not close. I'm not saying you should do it the day after but but after a while when you build a healthy relationship if you are not able of course you have to know when to say it and how to say it sandwich it in 10 compliments first say what you have to say finish that do whatever you want but you have to be able to tell your spouse something that bothers you if not you're not close to them so if I cannot tell that to Hashem how can I have a relationship and our our is teaching us exactly That kylie means my god, my savior, my everything. Why have you forsaken me? His own child wanted to kill him. Skip wanted to kill him. He's running after him. He was suffering. He was he was he was bullied by his siblings. He went through every every trauma in the world. Neglect, abandonment. He was abandoned by his own father. He was, you know, right? He was and what did he do? And he got close to Hashem. How did he get close to why have you shaken me? Is so far from my the pain of the cry of my of my of my of my words that I'm asking. I call you day and night and you're not answering me. He's screaming and yelling and crying to the every second you're going to see again and again and again and again and then he says I know you love me and I know you care for me but I can't anymore why why this again it doesn't stop that's a healthy relationship so if my kid cannot come and tell me or my any child cannot come and tell me what they have and be angry at me of course they respect respectful way and we're not close. That's not a relationship. That's good in you see something. Very good. Good job. That's nice. That's good for like an outside relationship. A real relationship. You have to be able to tell someone that bothers you something. So we need to create a space for our kids that they should be able to tell us that it has to be a good moment. You take them out one night and you have a good time with them. You take say I am ready. Tell me what scream at me. Yell at me un whatever you want. I want to hear. Tell me what bothers you. What what what's bothering you that I can help you with? And what's bothering you about me? They're craving it. I had one of the girls. She she spoke up in front. We have like a called a thinking class once a day for an hour and we have like a sushka basically and the girls ask questions and I bring up topics. Usually I do it. Sometimes we bring in different speakers. And one of the girls said she was very very angry at about something about one of the staff members that did. She took a whatever it was. And I I wasn't phased. And I said, "Okay, wow. I'm really sorry that that's bothering you." And I like I I I really want to hear, but first let's don't don't destroy the the class now, but after class, I want to I want to hear. I listen to her. Her mother left me a a voice note a few hours later on my phone. She says, "You just changed my daughter's life forever." What? She said, "You respected her even when she had criticism on you on your staff and whatever you're doing over there in the school." And she and her daughter told it to her like I couldn't believe her didn't scream back at me. He didn't say anything. He was just he was listening and he he hashem gave me the to do that. I didn't take it personal. And then I the next day I had a meeting with her and that other staff member worked it out. It's okay. She was sure that I was going to get angry and kick her out. Like probably she came from a school before where they would do that. Tell me, tell me what I could do better. I think that's one major lesson that we learn and this is the ultimate between us and our spouse, between us and Hashem, us and our employees, us and our kids to be able to have a real authentic relationship is when we are able, we create a space for the other person to criticize me, criticize me, tell me it's okay, I can handle it. has to be the right time. you can't go over to your wife in middle of she's cooking over there and say you know I have to be a time and a moment and you know it's it's this this guy is telling me that he works a lighting and and he's all the way up on a ladder in the middle of the day and his wife calls in one time three times three times he answer the phone and he's like working on it and and she calls she starts saying what's going to happen with with the mortgage with the this with that with and he like and he answers her and doesn't even know what he answered like he's put away his phone she was nervous about something and she she couldn't wait till he came home the end of the day and and she was holding him account of very he said I don't remember what I said you know you want to tell something any heavy conversation has to be by appointment only an official time an official space you know what you know when I want to talk to you about you know you have to have an appointment to tell your husband to go take out the garbage I mean you have to tell him 10 times but when eventually when he does it or or you tell him to pick up a milk yeah you could text him or call him you know pick up a milk from the grocery but any heavy conversation to criticize or to constructive criticism we talk about or to say something that that they might not like. You have to make an official time, official space and do that and that you should. If we're teaching our kids to do this, they're going to become healthier much quicker. This is something that they are struggling with. The ultimate struggle that all of our kids have is in one word in relationships. What are they struggling with? Relationships. Yeah. True. True. So when they're in the stage of pushing us away. Yeah. Don't force it. But create a space. Say cha whenever you want. I am ready to take in your criticism whenever you want. Whenever your time, let me know. Don't just come over to me while I'm middle of cooking or baking or or changing the baby's diaper. But I want I want to hear what you have to say. Whenever you're ready. But but we do have to tell them and create a space every now and then. Tell them I am ready. let's talk. Let's let's, you know, talk. And sometimes they're going to be very very very uh surprised of what's really bothering them. Some it's a tiny thing from our sides that we could do to just change and just a little it's a little nothing. I think another very important point that I that I learned from from the girls we were told when we grew up in school mitzvah 630 mitzvah we are Hashem's nation we have to do all the mitzvah and mass to and that's what we strive to do that's what we should strive to do all our life I remember when I was a teenager I used to go a lot to Asia And I used to listen to the tapes still the cassettes and the I remember many times when they were giving the shim for the valu they were telling them is not all or nothing. I remember the first time I heard it, I was like, you know, but then nothing. If you're not able to keep one mitzvah, you shouldn't keep the others. You didn't do mitzvah. Where does that come from? Of course, we have to try to do all the mit. But what I'm learning from these girls is something amazing. You could have a girl that's shabas on on on one item and then on the other thing, she would never do. She wouldn't eat all your dairy ever, but she would she would. And then you see them. It's it's it's amazing. She only smoked. There's nothing on the phone. And the other one, but you know what? That's what she's able to do. And that is says according to your efforts. You know, when you go to fix a car to a mechanic, he works three hours, he's not able to fix it. You don't pay him. You pay him according to the work that he's done. If he fixed it, you pay him. Not not yiddishkar does not work that way. Whatever effort you do you get you get paid for your effort not for the outcome. We know that we don't get paid for the outcome. Our is the amount of effort you put in the to some of our kids and and it's probably within us also all of us have different things certain mitz are are are pulling you to do and certain things are not pulling you to do it. So so whatever you are do it you don't have to do just whatever works for you whatever you're able to do. Of course they do all the mit but I see in the I see in the kids they have such a passion for for certain things and they got you know now there was October 7 and the girls came back to school after sick and quite a few of the girls on their own we're talking about girls that are going through the moment real challenges and they're telling me that they're this skirt they're wearing these mini skirts and I said like one inch longer for Hashem, for the for the for the prisoners of war that they as for them it should be for them. I was like I couldn't imagine to think I was trying to think how much billions of malik were were created by these few girls that did it what they have and who knows how much maybe the whole exchange and it's a show from these few prisoners that were given was their do we know for them this is the hardest thing they were ever able to do this is their biggest this is I don't there has names it's shorter and really short I'm learning I'm getting there but at the moment I forgot the names but but it's I'm not wearing this one anymore wearing that one I'm like whoa it's amazing what did I do how much did I give up for myself I say another to energy uh number two for them a longer skirt energy number 6 million why do I know how much there's no way to to measure the the the do I think that what I'm learning from them is something you know we had and a lot of the girls said or I'm fasting or I'm on my phone. I'm not doing both. I can't be a whole day without food and not be on my phone. They're very addicted to the phone. Very very addicted to the phone. So the shallow was what is rather to do. So I told him rather fast than be on your phone than than giving up not fasting. Whatever I worked it out obviously but but this is the you know don't go to your regular kids and tell them they can have the phone. show but but these are the shallows that I'm faced with on on a daily basis. We need to know a lot of things. There's a lot you know I shared the story already the shabas once but I want to share it again because I wanted to be on camera and some of you weren't there. So, and as they say in Kabad, if you if you hear a story, a good story, and and you hear it again, you say, "I heard it already. You probably didn't hear it the first time." Good enough. Means you didn't get a message. So, the story goes that we we took the girls in the summer, the end of the summer now, uh we took them, they still wanted the end of season, they wanted to go boating. So, I found a place upstate in not far from from from Monteello. And uh you know, as as having a new school, I don't always have a driver. So, I drove them down with have the big sprinter, the big van. We drove them up states. I dropped them over by the water with the with the madria with the with the counselors and I left and they called me when they were done. When they were done, I came back. I picked them up and I was googling on my phone. I was trying to find a kosher place to eat. So, we found a kosher pizza store that's open year round over there. I forgot what it's called in Montelad. So I would come into the pizza store and it was quite empty but there was a couple a couple probably 65 year old couple sitting over there. They look like they're from Williamsburg, maybe Barf, that kind of couple. And they were looking and looking and I'm walking with these girls with wet hair dressed like you can imagine mish you know and they're looking they're like they're like I saw the dialogue in their brain and so the guy calls me over says I said manus my sisters where yo but I just walked way was okay. You know, I I went through a lot of in my life and always learned to say when someone asked me a question, but why did you I always answered you don't understand. That was my line. Why do you have your kid at home and with with with pants or shabas? You come with a boyfriend. Don't answer them. Say, "You don't understand." They don't need to understand. That's the best answer. You get them off your back right away. All of us suffer from neighbors, right? the good neighbors that are very very concerned about our kids and I I don't I don't blame them. I don't blame them but they don't understand. Few minutes later, the wife, the lady over there calls over one of the girls and two of the girls go over and and she says that she started talking and she started talking Yiddish and the girl knew a very good what she said I don't understand I speak only English started telling her how dare you walk around like this is not and she was screaming at her and the girl makes like the serious say she says I you're so right and she got even more angry and I'm like standing in the side I'm watching that thing and I'm like that's good you And she went on and on back and forth. So give me a braha. Give me braha. You can't give me brah. Give me braha. You don't understand. You're going to go to ganam. They're going to bubble. You know, some people know exactly what's going on in hell. They think geanum is like this huge barbecue and hashem is like this. He turns over like a whole day. Like he's like, "Oh god, we got someone." I'm not denying culture. I'm just saying like, "Oh, he's got the first the front seat in ganed. This person the front seat. you know, people know what's going on in Shay. It's amazing. So, it's going on back and forth between this girl and and this woman and and and this girl started talking Yiddish and she says, "You also have my challenges, my difficulty, my hardship is public. Everybody sees it. That's my issue. You also have the same thing. yours are hidden, but we all have the same. We all struggle. She's screaming, "Yeah, whatever." And she left. We went to the back of the store. They ate over there. And as they were leaving the store, this woman got up. She went over to that girl and she hugged her. And she says, "I could be your baba. I could be your grandmother. And you taught me something that nobody in the world is going to tell me. Please forgive me. You're so right. I have my struggles and you have your struggles. My struggles are hidden. Your struggles out in the public. There's the only difference." And that woman's mama, she walked out with us like till the end like crying. She was like she she went into her sixth call. like how do we know you know as much as we understand our kids and we want to understand them we still have some judgment as I said last night also I wish sometimes I don't have cameras in the place only outside but I wish if the parents even all of you but the parents of the school should listen and see how the girls are when they're not around their own parents they are so connected they are so real they are so enlistic and they have that it's it's you know the conversations we have with these kids they they carry so much guilt you know a girl tells me how could I ever be normal again I when I was young I always hurt my teachers and I don't even remember who they are I was a difficult kid is never going to get forgive me you know these stories people never got had children they had to ask ma from their old teachers I never did it I'm never this girl's crying These are not careless kids. Careless kids are in the system. The kids that carry and are extremely guilty for every a they did. They can't handle they run away. Usually they are the ones that can't handle they had so many times throughout the years told me I fell through this that way. I'm not I'm never going to come out of gan. I'm never going to this. So why should and the other kid that doesn't care he's still in the system he says he contining is a good boy and he's going to do the good and then there's the other kid that really carries and is very gullible and very real and when the reb says that there is no tick for this and this whatever it is he takes it and and he lives with it and that pushes him off the bashto was fighting the became the reb of Kalis when he became He started there was a lot of opposition until his times you had vali going around to the city to the towns and to all theatim and telling them you're going to burn in hell if you do this and you're going to go to and you didn't motivate anybody okay I'll go to hell anyway I don't know how big is you know told me how you are you're so special you're so amazing don't focus on doing focus on moving on the bash writes it many times in a he says means moving gone. If you think about that you did that is back in your head. He says I says you have to choose one certain times but but that's not how you're supposed to live. He's supposed to live from nowad I'm moving on. You don't have to get stuck and live in the past and we all we all it's inevitable that we're all going to die. No. Didn't Hashem know that? Wasn't that part of the plan? Part of the plan is that we going cha was tell us that Hashem created first the idea of cha then he created the world because the world is a is a set of rules tit for tat and once that's there cha does not make sense where does cha come in but forgive me you bashed up my car pay me fix my car it's irrational cha cha doesn't make sense hashem created out of first there should be cha and then the world. So cha has to be part of the world. I doesn't make sense or then or rahim can't be both. Hashem created a world with this within the in the yes we we are we we are liable and we we have to what we do our actions. What if you do I'm not going to do it again. I'm trying. I'm good. You're good to go. It's not rational. But that's what Hashem wanted because the tus of the world was not to catch us doing ala. The t of the world was created that we should he we should do mitzvah not not to do a veras. He has to do mitzvah. Of course he has to try not to do the goal is to constantly do more and become better and do more mus. So many of these kids are walking around with guilt. You wouldn't believe your kids are walking around with guilt. If you could just tell them the girls in my school they hear to me many many times. Fine. again and again all the I say because I that's my brain that's what I learn but it's definitely across the board all the all the in the world to teach a person just move on you're sadic from this moment so you did and so and and do you have to ask from a teacher when you were a little kid and you did something wrong whoever becomes a teacher knows they're going to have a few kids in the class that is going to give them throw aranges at them in the middle of the school it's part of it you have to ask them if you're an adult she did something wrong yes you should always go over to when I I I I I spoke lashar about you or whatever it is. Of course, you should always ask him forgiven, you know, ask them to be. It's not a joke. But these kids are walking around until I I I told them they have to say one girl saying I I can't have learn. I'm not I'm not I still I I cause so much pain for certain people. I said which certain people are you causing pain? You're in the school. Everybody loves you over here. You're great. The staff, you're doing good. No, we don't say I cause pain for certain people. I said, for who? Yeah, those people tell me that I'm not causing them pain, but really I am and I know I am. So, how would Hashem ever forgive me? I said, do you mean your mother and your father? She said, yes. All of them. I remember this was this usually I sit with them with D. This was on the couch. All of them picked up. I said, who else feels like her? Thank you for saying it. All of them picked up their hands. Every single girl in the school walks around with that guilt. They feel guilty for giving us pain. Should they? Who wants their kid to feel guilty for giving us pain? Should pick up your hand. Nobody. Thank you. Who wants their kid to feel guilty? How many times? My own my own child. She told me Arian Kip when I was benching my kids, she cried more than any other kid. I have a whole stock. I was ringing all of them and I was crying. I saying the before I went to shra and she was she was crying and I was hugging her. I said you're going to have a good year this year the beauty of of these numas and she says tati please forgive me for all the pain I've caused you. I said you never caused me any pain in your life. Says tati come on you know. I said I had pain from you because that was my choice to have pain from you. I decided that my daughter needs to look a certain way and you don't and I have pain. That's my issue, not your issue. You're going through your struggles. Carry yourself. You don't have to carry me. I have to work on my part. You don't have to work on my part. You don't have to carry me. She loved it. And I realized I had to tell it to her again. And I'm going to tell it to many more times. And if you could go home and tell that to your kids. You never cause me a bunny if a parent tells the kid, you know, was FY causing us. I mean, we all did it in the beginning when they were beginners, right? We're not trained and we didn't know what to do and and the son is making you bishes and he's walking into shield with the white sneakers the first time or or the daughter doing something. I understand that we're all not simple. But at the end of the day, any pain we have from them is our own decision to have pain from them. We are deciding to have pain. They don't cause us any pain. They are struggling. That's all they're going through. If your child has has never a physical illness, you're in pain. Are you angry at your child? Is your child responsible? Did your child do something wrong by being ill, physically ill? Yes, I have pain. My child is physically ill. The same thing is emotional. What's the difference? Anything they're doing is coming from their emotional pain. It's not coming because I made a decision. I'm going to hurt my parents. And if they do make that decision, that's the biggest pain they have. It's so not a decision. Everybody, who who wouldn't want to please their parents and be nice? If they're not doing it as a sim, they're in pain. I had someone reach out to me recently. You want to ask something? She asked me as my mother of course. Why would I have to convince her to You're right what you're saying. You're right what you're saying. But after being in this far a little longer, you're going to see that what I'm saying is is even more important, more right. Not because I'm right, you're right. Make to say you're going to that really it's our decision if we should be in pain from our child's behavior. It's not their decision. It's not their decision to be physically ill. And many parents never have to be with their parents in the their children the hospital and back and forth and treatments of should never know these things. They're in pain. Yeah, but did the child cause them pain? No. Hashem caused them pain. And the child caused them pain. And the same thing is with with with emotionally. If your child is doing something spiritually, something off that's driving it's it's it's it's not the child doing it. I had someone second. I had someone that Yes. Would I have to try to convince her that she was only there no I would just instead say I'm see you are still trying to go very rational with a very irrational behavior of irrational kids. No she's rational. She's not rational. You think so? No. But we're telling Okay. So that Okay. We need to talk. But but these kids are not rational. Right. But they didn't do it on purpose. True. Whatever. Yes. I know. Yeah. We We all live this. We all live this on a daily basis. I tried to push it away, but I didn't want to feel embarrassed. I just normal but there's a choice. So let's see. Okay. So I want to tell you the first time my son walked in with me to sh and with a blue collar over here and then whatever he was wearing pointy shoes without a dec with me into my place my element where I'm comfortable with my friends and he walks in like that. I remember the first time was I couldn't handle it inside me and then I quickly told myself deal with it you know and I dealt with it and I I I introduced it to everybody a few weeks later I didn't have that issue anymore you know why he didn't change I changed I got used to it what does used to it mean I accepted it and I accepted it so it is my decision I could decide to accept the situation or not that's all I'm saying they are not I want to tell you these girls that conversation that we had when the girls are how much pain they have that they're causing us pain. What are they saying? I was hoping that all of your parents to listen. What? What are they What are they What are they saying when they say that? What's that show? They can't live with themselves. It's bringing them even more down. You see, if they walk around with guilt, it's not going to make them be better. If you take away the guilt, they'll be able to heal faster and move on. They're not driven by guilt. They're driven down by guilt, not up. So why do we need them to feel guilty? We don't need them to feel guilty. They have enough guilt in their life. A million things that's going on in the system. I'm telling you 90% of these kids, the boys and the girls are living in guilt. And if we know about it and we're able to take it away somehow by telling them that you never caused me any pain, it's your journey. It's it's it's you know they'll they'll heal much faster. Much faster motiv is is a is a is a motivation. It's a very bad motivation. I feel guilty. So now I'm going to try to be a better mother. I'm going to try to be a better father now because I feel so guilty what I did in my life. That's not it. That's not a good drive. That's not something that's going to get you in a good place. And these kids, they're walking around with it. I'm telling you what I told them. Some of the kids I I made up with them. They should confront their parents and the other kids accepted it what I told them. It's not true. You have your journey. You're carrying your own stuff. Deal with it. Your parents understand. And if not, they'll learn to understand. Just just be busy with your own. They have so many struggles every minute of every day. They're living on social media. They have competition. And do you know what's going on in the world? Who who knows what I'm talking about? You know what's going on on Instagram? You know how difficult it is to live? We all see Instagram. You know living in Instagram? It's the most painful place to live. It's ganama of this world. This this one has a much nicer address and this one is more expensive. the brand names and and cooking and the most expensive and and people trying to live. It's it's like and then competition between the boys and the girls and you know what's going on there. They're carrying so much. They have to carry us. No way. We have to carry ourselves. That's how we need. Someone someone reached out to me. He said that that his his his son got angry. Irregular kid got angry at him and he spit him in his face. And he texted me. He says, "What do I do with? What do I do?" I left him back a voice note. I said, "You take him out tonight? Don't do nothing. Should I hit him? Should I scream at him? Should I punish him? Should I yell? What should I do?" I said, "Don't do nothing. Just go over and tell him, I want to talk to you. Maybe not now you're angry, but today before you go to bed, let's go out in the car. We're going to take a drive. I want to talk to you and you're going to tell him that you don't want to spit on me. No child wants to spit on their father. Must be something is bothering you and you feel that I'm not protecting you and your subconscious made you scream spit on me. I just want you to know that I love you so much and he's so important to me. Please tell me how I could help you. What's bothering you? He wrote back to me. He's arguing with me. This is a regular guy with a regular kid. There's no no kips yet. nothing just I isn't Isn't that an indication? Is that like a red flag? A child just fit on a father. He text me the next morning. He says he says, "You saved my life." He's driving his kid. I like that driving the car is very good sometimes because you don't see each other. You both look in front and it's like it's like intimate moment in private moment. You could talk. Even having conversations between spouse is also sometimes better than some better than eye to eye. But sometimes you're driving the car is and the things are moving. I don't know. It's just a good sign. And this boy told him that he's being bullied by his reb and his like to an extreme level the last few weeks. And this boy didn't have find a way to tell it to his father. He was a kid 11 year old 12y old however old is. And the father right away the next morning he went to he took care of it and it was over. What would the old fashioned tell you to do? A kid that fits in you, you got to put them in place. Huh? So, I patch or this and that. Is that if a child does something that's not normal, that's not healthy, they're screaming for help. When a child puts on another tattoo, they're screaming for help. That's all they're saying. It's an invitation. It's like, "Hello, my caretakers. Where are you? something is bothering me. I cannot always could we can't bash ourselves too much. We know we have to we have to try. We can't always but but this is what they're saying when they're going through any type of extreme behavior is they're asking us and they're telling us and saying tat mommy I am in such pain. Sometimes they know what it is. Sometimes it could be from 10 years before something currently. I don't know. That's all they're saying. And these kids are sitting in my school. I tell you, I went home that day. I knew all of this when I listened to it. I was there. They're crying on the couch. We have three crying and talking how much guilt, how much pain, and you don't understand. My brother-in-law came to my house and he makes kiddish like that because he can't because I'm in a mini skirt. And another kid says that. And then the other girl said tells so so put on a longer skirt. She says, "I did it for one week and the next week I couldn't." Something they can't. They can't. You're not healthy, emotionally healthy and stable. You need to be to be able to be at a woman. What does it take to to be influenced with the guys who were living in Saddam over here living in what does it take? That side is much more colorful than Yiddish guys. This is black and white. Look all black and white. The wood is black and white. The screens are colorful. They are living in guilt. I'm begging you to know about it and don't burden them. Try to tell them to just you and something is going on and something is driving them. They are asking please be here for me. Tell me. Just so if we don't know what it is, just love them endlessly. Just connect to them and tell them we're here for you and just try to do whatever you can. We don't know. It could take a year, two years, three years, six years, 10 years. We don't know how long it takes. Whatever it takes. It's it's it's and whatever pain we have that's our journey. Every gave came along with 100. I never understood what it means. I don't know if says 100 says there's a lot of I didn't what it means and then life hit me quite a few times and I realized the itself is sometimes not as difficult as everything around it. the line of someone has a a sick person in their family the whole family goes crazy because of babysitting back of they have to go to the hospital and then you have the of of the ambulance not taking them on time and million of nonas around a child like this it's not just this child it's the whole family the whole everything the marriage everything is is being challenged and and has to so every n comes along with and this is part of the plan just like it says that every is for the whole every person that's involved hashem sends down give us more billions is endless and we have a and everybody around is happy. The fathers, the mother, the aunts, the uncles, the neighbors, whoever is involved was supposed to be. Hashem gave them a gift. So if keeps get hurt by Yeah. Right. A girl can take care of. Of course, we know that. I just want to protect him from the rejection. No, you cannot protect him. So, I just want to get hurt. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to the club, by the way. This is exactly what every single one of these boys and these girls go through. But I keep thinking maybe I could explain to him why. Oh, you that protective mother. No, no, no, no, no. I'm a real mother. Right. You are a real mother. I'll tell you. You want to protect him, let him learn on his own and you be there ready for him whenever he wants to come and give them. You are not able and you're not capable, none of us are to protect our child from every single uh betrayal they're going to have. You know, we are we're living such a beautiful life after finish with such a beautiful life. We the way we do the way we move on and we get married any our kids are living like the go. We finding out now all of us are finding out the gem is on this world. You know that every single goes woman that lives in the whole western world not only in America has hundreds of betrayals in her system. She was abandoned. She went through college for boys and girls together and they got hurt. We're seeing it in our caps. They get hurt again and again and again and they're never healed. Even when they settle by the 30s, 35, whenever they decide to settle and they get married, it's always in them. This boy rejected me and that boy in this way and this the competition. It's a kite. It's a what they're living in. How come they handled very good? What? They handled very good. They They're not handling it very good. They're not. And they they're silly because they're putting their kids again to schools that are mixed boys and girls. They're living the same gandom. Look at all the books that are written. I just recently wrote I don't know if she say it on camera whatever there there's one of the bas she lives in she wrote a book and she grew up in one of the states and a return to modesty right magic touch also and yeah that's and then when and then there's a return to modesty she she brings out she says such ganim to be in school in college with boys it's gan they starve they throw up all day if they want to be they're not It's gan we see it. So these kids are going through they're stuck in it. So we have to have on them not judge them and not try to we have to understand it's a very tough life for them. Okay. So I have to end they ask five times that I should end. We could talk. Okay. So I help them that we should I just want to say end off with this. Don't be too hard on yourself. You go through this whole Shabas. You heard so much how we have to change and you have to change and we have to always Yes, it's true. We have to try but not too much. Okay, we're a little we're so selfless. Whoever joins Shabas is so selfless. You could have taken this money in this time and go to Florida with your husband and have a great time. And you came over here because even though you're doing it out of love to your kids, you're still going to get the same amount of even if you're doing it for your own kids. You came here because you want to try to help your kids go through their pain as as quick as possible and as and as in the least pain as possible. We came here to help and to do begins at home. All our own kids and our own home and own everything. You're sadikim and try to be a little selfish. Be there for your kids. 20% put away for yourself. Go on a walk. Every couple should go on a date once a week. It's so important just to go out, close your cell phone and just snooze and just have a we have to refill your own batteries. It was so and we're like it's consuming us. It's eating us up. You know what's going to happen when your kids are going to get older and healthy? They're going to get out of the system. They need to have healthy young parents, not eaten up parents. So, I'm begging you, please leave a little bit selfish. Okay. You've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by tora anytime.com.