Intimacy Through Conflict?calm?ITC.. challenge — חודש אלול

Shabas dear friends these groups I've been away for a few weeks I didn't leave any message today there's a few ways there's a few approaches to go to kadesh and then ultimately toes some people need very scary and threatening statements to make them work on their relationship i.e. doing cha some people it doesn't work for them it actually turns them off the only way they connect to the and they work on their relationship with them again is through loving and kindness and connecting and have some people need a little bit of both in relationships in general between a husband and a wife when it comes to intimacy I'm not only talking about physical intimacy I'm talking about emotional intimacy There is a concept called ITC. Intimacy through conflict, intimacy through calm, intimacy through challenges. Three types of people, the way they connect, the way they build a relationship. It's all ITC. It's my own. I coined these words. It's my own mishas. But I've done this after 20 years working with couples. that came up very clearly that some people feel more intimate by by by living at the edge with their spouse and doing something not exactly what they're supposed to to create the relationship. Some people have been through so much trauma and pain in their childhood or they've seen this at home. It's learned behavior that they only feel close to people when they have this challenge, when they have this fight and and then they make up and then there's some love and relationship. And the same people used the same thing towards the throughout the generations there were different types of sadikim and different types of people the way they spoke when it came to Shiva and connection to have intimacy ultimately witham. The ones the people that need to hear the scary the gory intimacy through conflict those are the people that that that found the mammal a line is roaring who's not scared it's all true everything is true these statements and that statements the question is what's going to actually work for you personally why am I saying this over here many of our children have been through are going through so much pain and trauma and sometimes the only way they connect to us is through intimate Y through challenge. They challenge us. Some of them even only intimacy through conflict. They need to create conflicts to feel close to us. And what do we do? We throw back at them intimacy through calm. And we teach them through kindness. It see intimacy through calm. We teach them to be calm. They they try to challenge us to create a relationship and we're extra calm to them and nice to them and we show them no that's not the way the way we connect is through calm and healthy and then slowly but surely we're calming their nervous system this is a huge sigya I won't spoke about this in public a very huge sigya but over here just a few minutes to connect to connect our kids and to realize that some people need different styles of ITC have a awesome shabas We should have of all of our children.