Happily ever after...Forever?? Dating and Marriage tips .. at Chazaq Torah talks

there's always going to be work if you're not ready to work you're not ready for [Music] marriage today's episode is sponsored by Boris M Tax planning and advisory schedule your free tax strategy session online and get started now call us at 212 430 6881 to learn more and welcome to program with special guest we have with us all the way from welcome thank you how are you I'm happy to be here and we're going to be speaking happily ever after happily ever after right before we get to the topic if we get a little background about the rabbi the great work in background okay um to help on my life big Merit put me through a lot of personal challenges and different things in my life so and I always learned from every Challenge and I Grew From it and he's had all the challenges exactly it's all about you got live right it's the we speak about where was and it's called life yeah the life we celebrate the the life of yan that's the says the is what we learn from the tah it's notat yes he was n they even mummified him in Egypt right but his what the connection that we have to him is still alive the taret that we learn from his lifestyle the Legacy and what we have and that's that's like so we always Celebrate life even after someone passes away everybody has challenges 100% yeah so uh for the last 17 or 18 years I am sitting all day morning tonight with people couples uh working show bias dating coaching remarriage uh and parenting all day to help people and you're so skinny Rabbi how do you that's a gift a gift from so that's amazing that's very very important and uh that's what we're going to be speaking about happy ever after because this is what you do with with with coaching that you you gave me also this to speak worldwide I've been speaking in many countries different many shabbaton uh and weekends and so that's that's what I do hasem put me to that place and I I if I may say myself I see a lot of progress you know people coming to me with very difficult marriages and uh just recently had someone was about to get divorced and was able to put them together I found the the glue in the marriage there's always a glue there's always something that that could hold the marriage and then the rest is work and we know that every marriage is work every relationship requires work and work meaning work on ourselves and work on our you know restraints and to know when to say something not to say what to expect to someone to work on Mid work in our traits and and to uh uh it comes to mind a quick Story the uh he's one of the that lived about 180 years ago and he was also Carpenter he was working the olden days the Rabb had to they worked half a day and then he was learning whatever he probably learning all night so he was putting together furniture and the old days he didn't have a Home Depot so he couldn't walk into a place and pick out I want a 4x4 2x4 Woods you need it were logs okay so it was he was watching someone came in and he said I I'm building a very huge room I need to put in two locks together to hold the roof the problem is in the olden days a log had stumps right wherever there was a twig there's a stump how do you put together two logs if one of them has stumps it's very hard to flatten stumps if you do it by hand it's very difficult now we have machines you could have a 2x4 and they we say oh how are we going to do it the two logs are going to be apart how do you so he said whenever there's a log in this wood and the other would you you you dig in carve in so you can bring it together instead of working on the lock on the stump on something that's stubborn on the other one he took it right away our Reas took everything as a as a as to learn from to work on ourselves and he said that this is the only way of AAS the only way of relationship ultimately husband and wife parents and children us and partners and peers everybody is sometimes a person has a lum they have something they have some kind of stubbornness they were born with a nature that's very difficult ult it's not their fault they were bornn that way so if they didn't work on it they'll say until you work out your stuff I'm going to be good with you no I'll make space of myself to have you in my life and that's the only way a relationship could happen and that's the the premise for for marriage 100% And the rabbi said that you speak all over the world and we have the to have the rabbi speak for in dear friend n Epstein the Talisman shout out to him for also arranging this uh Torah talk so so we're going to jump into it for those in right uh andone always ask the question what should one be looking for those that are looking in they're looking for their marriage uh partner okay that's a very good question I would love to answer it and of course I have to say a tiny uh a tiny um introduction like a tiny detail before we get into that I think that people need to realize that marriage is you cannot custom design a spouse it doesn't work the richest king the biggest narcissist kings in the past even if they had he was able to get all the all all the women in the world he still had to pick one and after picking one there's still a lot of work to do you cannot custom design a spouse Hashem did not made the world that way because as you said before we need to work on our middles we need to grow and become better beings but through marriage and not to make someone to to to to worship me and to give me everything and then nothing there has to be some work there has to be some give and take so if there's no custom we need to be when we look into we need to know what am I ready to Look Away what what am I ready to deal with and what am I not ready to deal with so we're going to change words we're going to use it values so the most important things obviously physical attraction and you know cosmetic you know that that has to be date number one you have to make sure you're you know you like the feeling around the presence of the other person that's great that's number one then excuse me then we have to work on figuring out what is in that person that both of us share the same value something that's very valuable to you and your spouse has a opposite value that's where most conflicts happen you see in in the world where people got you know just just finding their own their own they usually when they meet up they try to find everything that we the same oh we have a c oh we both like chocolate you know chocolate vanilla ah he's chocolate I'm vanilla you know we both like the same Sports we both like it's exciting it's good it's a lot of fun to have a spouse that has the same oh you like sushi I like sushi oh you don't you very nice but when you get married those things don't matter too much what matters most is the values so we need to sit down and write down on a note what is my values of course yish K is a value to us what parts of yish K is a value how far and you know if to you a value is a very large family okay write it down if you a value um uh you know you want you want your house to be a house of guests you want every shower that's one of the most important thing you need to have when you get married you want a spouse that after a year after the wedding you going open the door and always have guests that's something that to you it's like a must have write it down it's I'm not talking about luxuries I'm not talk about that that's that's that's Petty things those are things that we're going to have to work on anyway you know sitting with couples just going to retract a second sitting with couples I've never met two people getting married and and and not having to work on she's always late he's always on time she splur his hair and he splur his day and he says no here you have to save no so when it comes to money comes to children comes to we all have there's always you know I just said a couple who came to us and they they're working hard they five six kids and you know he's making parosa you know just enough time live he finally saved up money to go on vacation he's taking his wife to Vacation he went to Z for two weeks a little under two weeks they came back this they told me was a disaster disaster disaster I said what happened you guys finally went you took her on vacation you both went he was able to from his job and her job and babysitters and I said what didn't work out he said what do you mean she started saying he was he want to run around the whole land he wanted to see AR from the north to the South and I wanted to just sit on and just relax I'm working a whole year I'm so he want to run around he said what do mean because we spent so much money for this vacation can't just sit in whole day let's see the place we weren here for years let's go to let's go there two other definitions of how vacation is supposed to be obviously what's what's the what's the the proper way to go on vacation you figure out what your spouse needs and what you need you say you know what we're here for seven Eight Days a few days will run around a few days compromise compromise work it out so these kind of things every marriage needs to work on this is something you cannot and will not detect throughout a date you could date someone for a very very long time there's always going to be work if you're not ready to work you're not ready for marriage so work is I always tell people marriage is a workshop man the man works in the wife's shop s a joke good I call it a mid workout machine you know it nobody's ready and all of us need to work in our childhood all of us healing stuff from our past there's a lot of work and and and and we should see it as a as an exciting thing not not as like all like a pressure oh no like I'm excited I'm I'm excited to find out my shortcomings I didn't know my shortcom till I got married you know as I felt I'm the best person in the world and then I realized oh you know so we all realize marriage is a mirror said you know we me it's a mirror so you get to see back so when you dates someone give up all those Petty silly you know like this and that and I don't know what's important is that both of you share the same values more or less and if the values are there that's the glue in the marriage and everything else can be worked on 100% uh I've always learned also very important to mention good character traits to try to uh you know get that information uh what what what would you say rabie is um the only that you deal with marriage counseling as well and and and coaching uh the biggest challenge in in a marriage biggest challenge in a marriage um in your opinion what what would you suggest with what you see I think you asking where where marriages go wrong sometimes and how we could fix it I think that most most marriages suffer from a very human condition that all of us suffer and struggle with it's called we we forget what we have we don't realize what we have we are unappreciative we take things for granted taking things for granted is the first ingredient for losing a relationship with a partner child any and and we talk specifically in marriage where it m matters most you see I I was one of the founders of a huge cish Organization for divorced men it's called Brothers on the way we opened it I think like n years ago it's a huge organization unfortunately with hundreds and hundreds of people that are currently divorced my wife is very involved sister to sister shout out to them also I speak many times needs I always sit with table speak he was one they introduced us to this sisters I meet him there I meet him there and I meet him other shabat as well so and so we're very involved we know what's going on sometimes married couples you know should should should find out what's going on in the divorc world how and try to help people yeah and and no and to realize what they have that also but to realize what they to realize that that that's it meaning to say it's not like oh you're divorced or you not of course everybody wants to be happy married not just to marriage like like like just 50 60 years ago I don't know postwar I don't know what different cultures different areas but from where I grew up a marriage was if two people were nice to each other they were kind and they were not fighting that was a good marriage nowadays we want to have a real loving marriage we want have good deep meaningful relationships and we deserve it and we need to work on that and that's what we're trying to get you could have everything you could have the best spouse when you get married when he met that girl the first time with the of the guy the boy and and you got married everything he does for you you open up your drawer and you take out your socks the first time you think like wow she had a mind when she went to shopping to get detergent she's standing on a taking care of the laundry washing the laundry folding it and later when children come along and she's still don't take it for granted you're taking out a clean pair of laundry from your draw you have a husband that goes out to work he he he faces I know yeah he has to work he he does something appreciation I'm not even talking about appreciating and telling the other that of course even in yourself many times I work on myself and I have reminders I'm lucky because I work with marriage all day with couples and learn from reminds it reminds me I have reminder and and I learn from mistakes but it reminds me I'm lucky I open my drawer even my wife's still sleeping and I like she did she cooked she made whatever she does I could focus on all the things she didn't do and I could focus on if I if I go down the the the wrong route I could start seeing what other people are that's if we have something don't take it for don't take it for granted that's the of a marriage so what brings love a re a deep when you have a deep meaningful relationship you develop a feeling and that feeling is called love and that feeling is loving someone and being loved by someone aav is have is giving right is giving and and and it's both ways so when I feel that someone cares for me and someone appreciates me I have a feeling of love and when I care for someone and I appreciate them I have a feeling of love for them so love is a come and go so whenever you want more love in your marriage be before you start thinking what could my spouse do more for me start thinking what are they already doing for me and really really be grateful being grateful is something that we have aara we have evil in inclination does not let us be uh appreciative why because when if I appreciate you I appreciate what you do for me on a daily basis I owe you ah we don't want to live like that different time like it's it gratitude to being grateful to saying thank you meaning I owe you and really yes I do owe I owe my wife and my wife you know it's it's something that we need to work on the mid of understanding that what is the blockage of really really really being grateful and and and and and thanking and and and just owing our our spouse that's AA so if you want to love our spouse more that's what we need to work on I want to say one more thing sure this is an AEM as well everything is related Hashem gave us relationships on this world he could have created the world the way he want it in in many other ways that we should as a human the way I relate to others give and take I could relate to Hashem it's all a musle it's all it's all an example otherwise how do I how do I connect to Hashem the way I connect to you that's all I have you know so how do we love Hashem how do we love Hashem question is first of all we don't always understand why he does things there's a lot of mean and painful moments in this world and let's say everything would be awesome but still how do you love someone that you don't know you don't see them you don't you have no connection how how do you connect and how do you love a have to it's one of the mits that we need to love with the whole heart I have a a story that actually I someone gave me the and this is going to explain everything in a second I have a friend of mine he needed he unfortunately both his kidneys went and he was on is for a very very long time unfortunately people should not know what it is it's very it's very painful a few times a week connected to machine filtering the blood it's it dis ass it's finally he had a very rare blood type finally he found someone to donate another yid to give him a kidney he got his kidney the story is the problem is that the other guy gave it anonymously he did not want this recipient to know he or she did not want the recipient to know he want to do really for hashem's sake he want zero recognition Hashem I gave a kidney to Aid I don't want any recognition so this person is telling me I'm living already two years with a kidney I got back my life I'm a husband I'm a father I'm I'm working again I'm this person gave I love that person even if I I never seen that person I love that person every day I D for that person I get Saka for that person I would give away my house I would sell my shoes I would do everything the world to that person I just love that person I wish it would reveal itself to me our Kidney donor is AEM everything we have everything we have our eyes our nose taste hearing how could you not love someone just because you need to see them he is so appreciative of his kidney if we are really really appreciative to the that he gave me the ability to drive him from mon to at to meet his first like to speak atak and and whatever able to see and listen and talk I Remember by Co I I lost my my sense of smell like many people and The Taste never came back perfect but you know it didn't really it's not perfect I know hopefully but I'm so appreciative I smell the Su okay you know some of my smells are still warped I know any case wow I'm able to come and go I just got an email yesterday from a girl in B Park Brooklyn and she sent me a whole email that's she's thanking me for my shum that I give out there's a lot of different lectures on online and different things she Sayes she wrote to me a whole email how she's so physically disabled she could really move her fingers the only thing she has in this world is her tablet so she's able to see she has specialty glass I don't I don't know if I should read the email but just and and how much it gives her and I'm like wow I you know all of us are walking around the streets and so if you start living like it's not just a nice thing to do That's essential it's a must it's it's the only ingredient the only way to be happy this world is by being grateful for the small things which are so huge they're not so small when do you appre something something when you unfortunately lose it when you a person doesn't have that uh that's the moment start to realize that's amazing so let's bring it back to marriage so how do I love Hashem yeah he does things that I don't understand fine what what does it take away so my spouse has certain things that irk me you know when you get married to someone of course you do your do diligence when you're dating and once you get married you you realize a few things you realize certain things you'll never change in your spouse it's just okay never going to change I have things that I never told my spouse ever because I know it's not she can never change tiny things she's awesome tiny things every person world needs to why why should I tell the person if they can never change then there are things that you could tweak you could change a little bit so you have to pick and choose how to do it and how to is us to realize things that are important you know and then there are things that you could right away say you know this is important to me oh I didn't know okay you want me to make your sandwich every die it's it's easy but certain things will never change and you know what and we all live like that happy marriages are not the ones that don't have to work on it happy marriages are not the ones that that that everything is perfect happy marriages are based on people that are able to be emous appreciate and be thankful and grateful for all all the things they get out of this SP let alone just living alone I just the car right coming in here I had someone left me message a divorced guy he wants to come for shabas to my house a few guys have come for shabas they're so lonely every shabas you been on vacation without your spouse a few days not recommended but if it happens you miss them it's not just having a spouse had aunt that her husband was my uncle was very sick for many years he was in a wheelchair oxygen and there was a 70 yearold couple and when he passed away she was crying like a little child like and I remember I I said what why did you you know of course it's you know you lived this for 50 years just him being here just having my spouse you know just you married your wife said yes your husband said yes just that how about that of course we're not talking about people that are living with with spouses that are unhealthy and and and they don't want to help themselves or personality disorders and people that struggle we're not talking about that you need to go to professional you know some people are living with abusers no no no don't be appreciated first figure out if you want to live with that abuser because some people are are just very unhealthy unfortunately the childhood whatever it is that made it you know work it out with the professional we talk about two healthy people that have healthy issues that's what we're talking about so very important the importance of being appreciative and grateful uh how could one take that and you know they'll be appreci but to improve the marriage it shouldn't just be uh okay you know she she's alive he's alive and that's it right right I'll tell you number one everybody should go on a date highly recommended go on a date once a week once a week is the I I never I'm telling you if if we miss me and my wife Mar quite a few years we'll we'll make up for for it a date let me line out what a date is a date is not a it's not a time to discuss heavy conversations a date is not to go out and all the problems how do we pay the mortgage what do this and this child made this issue and that issue I'm upset at you for this that's not the time that make all the times a date is just the American word is Chill just chill relax relax chill relax chill go out it doesn't have to cost money it's nice to go out to eat every and then just on a walk go on a drive walk in the mall go in a park alone time the cell phone closed not a vibrate closed just you and me time there's so much going on our life we're deal with so much stress and stuff from daily and marriage has to be rekindled so dating is number one once a week once a week but second thing is what I would say to to rekindle a marriage I have a game that I give for couples uh I tell them take a paper and write down tell me I do some my couples are like you know when tension than than than I I do it with them in my office but it's just a nice idea you so I I tell the husband write down a list of the 10 green buttons things that you could say or do for your spouse for your wife that's going to make her very very happy it's make green buttons green button with Eco press or red button so the red button tell me 10 things I I then B down to five write down five things that what you say or you do really irks her dries up a wall she does not like when you say or do it and what are the three the five green buttons and then write down your green buttons and your red buttons okay right so hers and his his and I tell her to do the same you write down his green and red and then I exchange the paper I'm telling you the scene that I see in my office I do this very often it's it's just wow people are living together for 15 years he never knew by him doing this small thing irks are like M takes her out of a out of or or the other way this all you need and that's what makes you happy people don't know we're living with a spouse for so many years and we still don't know it so if one wants to do this game we'll call it they the the husband takes a piece of paper five green five red his five green his five red and her what he thinks her hers is got it and you know what happens he figures out that he doesn't know yet his own five green I don't want to give it away I want people to actually try it at home try it at home okay okay usually people say don't try this at home we're saying try this at home try this at home what happens and you can redo it once a year because things change things this is at a date or not on a date you could do this at a date for fun you could do it other night and in order to to keep a marriage we have to deal with our issues together communication communication communication but obviously how do we communicate I think one of the things that I see in marriages where things erupt is when conversations happen as a by Way D those are the worst that's where everything goes wrong you know I I'll talk to this electrician he's he's working on a light he's standing on a ladder and his wife calls him in about the heaviest question in the world like what do we do about that or yesterday ignored me I wasn't sure and he answers whatever he called like holding the phone and whatever he's going to say is going to be wrong he's going to be held accountable he said this he said that he didn't say a conversation has to be by appointment a heavy conversation so a light convers mean a husband and wife need to make it important for each other yeah I want to explain so this is a light conversation heavy conversation a light conversation is something technical pick up the milk uh take out the the garbage for supper what's for supper regular stuff you could even text I don't recommend text I could recommend voice talking you can't you want to send your your SP a list on the grocery you text okay fine but text only technical stuff pick up the kids whatever what the babysit come home anything more than that for sure has to be on the phone and things like that could just be all the time it's okay whenever you have a heavy conversation a heavy conversation meaning something has do with with with that bother you about your spouse or something that heavy for both of us how we deal yeah Financial issues whatever it is kid got school by appointment only and say my dear wife my dear husband I want to talk to you and say what you want to talk about I want to talk to you about ABC when is a good time he'll say yeah great okay fine but I I I'm coming on from work soon I I no problem could be tomorrow night when can we have and the time you sit down and you have that conversation W it avoids so many issues it's an official and you tell them what you want to talk about so they just have time to prepare to think and and if you don't finalize that that meeting you okay we'll talk about it tomorrow it's not it's never an emergency we think it's an emergency it's never if it is the 911 if it's if it's not a light conversation you could always have you know you could there's many more categories I teach five levels self communication different things and we talking you know personal stuff and non personal let's read more details but the idea the general concept is so many times you get hurt and turned off so to speak when because it happened to SP the moment even you scream at the child or he said something tough and I say why you doing that just be nice to him yesterday had a hard day and tomorrow you'll scream and it's not it's that important you don't have to tell his spouse right now you don't have to tell your spouse right now you you know later you'll discuss you know yes yesterday he said this to the child was that the right thing was it not let's discuss it it's never an emergency it's that that that feeling of urgency that's where things go go wrong so by appointment by an official time I think that's amazing very very good advice so advice to improve marriages the Rabbi says once a week go out and it shouldn't be heavy topics it should be lighter topics and when things are a little bit heavier to set an appointment with one another love that love the device love this Torah talk everything that you're saying Rabbi we have a we have a custom and our kak Torah talk a final message final message for our broad audience ah the final message is to know um I know whatever going to put to my head I think I've been doing that lately I've been going to places to speak yeah I'm just off the cuff many people are against that things that come out of the heart whatever um I think when a child has a very healthy relationship with a parent and the child grows up knowing my parents really love me they feel safe secure seen and soothed they feel and then when the parents does something to them that they don't like then I'm going to say my parent doesn't love me they're going to say I don't understand but my parents you know I have like a cook example my my son was 10 years old he needed one more vaccine one of these not not one of the shots and he's a he fright so for two weeks he was every night going to sleep on time and nice to Sibling that can't tell it's not going to help he still have to go I'll give you extra credit somewhere else but you have to get that chat Hashem sometimes gives us chats I don't know we don't we don't know why and if we have that healthy relationship we understand like like the child is the parents to us our parent B there are moments when even things we don't like we don't understand or we could still we can still connect in love and what happens in the spouse in a marriage is when a spouse does something wrong she did something wrong she she said something in front of your family she said something that you would never want to say or or you said in front her family so naturally a lot of people most people get turned off like they're cold now in the marriage they they can't look them in the face they're like sometimes they keep a garage for two days or three days depends how unhealthy they are so how how do we do that I think that we are able to have dual feelings at the same time and we're able to love someone and be upset at them at the same time I can't love and hate someone I could I could love someone and be upset so I'm very so right away when your spouse does something you say I'm upset I did that and I need to figure out why they did it I'm going to confront them I'll decide how maybe we'll make a a an appointment to talk about it but I still love them and think that automatically 50% of your pain goes off you don't get turned off and the same thing with we need to remember that everything is is related relationships that's we're humans we're connectors and just just hold on a little bit longer MH is coming very soon and hem is putting us through and kazal told us already 2,000 years ago it's going to be tough times we're actually living it there's G be one Sor one issue over the other we're gonna forget I forgot that every Torah is going to make you forget we forgot what happened the last five years we can't even you start writing it down you'll get depressed so just hang on hang on trust your and whatever he puts us through it's for our good for ultimate we're getting there we're getting there we're almost there let's be patient patient to the to ourselves and to others and our spouses shut up we should all we should all amen beautiful words inspiring words happily ever after beautiful amazing Torah talk we just had want to thank the rabbi for coming and giving us the the inspiration want to thank everyone for joining us 8:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time Tuesday nights kazak tour talks with special guest this is episode number 182 amazing feedback and we appreciate the feedback please continue sending us the feedback info@ k.org info chq.org suggest session future guests are always welcome as well and I want to thank all the various different platforms that are hosting kazak Torah talks with a special thanks to our friends at T any time special shout out to our friends at Daily giving a dollar a day goes very far away shout out to Nat bear behind the camera doing such an amazing job with kazak media we are up and coming a massive kazak campaign we want to get everyone to get involved uh the revolution is happening bar over 1,800 kids from public schools to Yesa have already been transferred thousands of more have been coming to have school programs Sunday school programs team programs at new Youth Center is really happening as well and we want to do a lot more but we can't do without your supportting your involvement so get involved with the revolution we to see said it very very soon the complete Redemption our days [Music]