Crisis Chinuch Training "Respond to their need, not their deed"

[Music] Asalamaikum everybody. First of all, thank you for so eloquently putting down crisis in in fast forward. Uh those of you that are newcomers don't know what I'm talking about, but this takes many many hours to explain what Hashi did and I was we were dividing who's going to say what from describes to choose to say the first half which is the most complicated part and if none is perfect I think that anybody that's walked in here for the first time was able to more or less what what the goal of this whole uh of of crisis First of all, I want to say that um thank you of that I'm here for third year I think and I know a lot of you and uh today I was hanging out with a few 10 boys in a restaurant. They took me out for lunch and uh I was schmoozy with these boys and I was thinking that H just two years ago a year ago or two years ago I was talking to their parents when they would sh their names and I remember things and I remember where the crisis was at that time where it's up to now these boys were shining away and they should continue with their journey and the upwards that they should be standing here one day and teach us what we went wrong and how we could do it better in the future. Yeah. So I want to say a brief quickly um introduction of of about the crisis that has she said the um this is something that's evolving. It's not there are many different on how to deal with children that are struggling. In the beginning, 20 years ago, me and my wife opened up our door in our house and at the time we had a shi a nice successful sh and we had literally hundreds of in and out throughout the first few years. They were hanging out by us by us. I was guiding the parents how to deal with them and there was unbelievable. A lot of them are big families now already. So when Kasha started like six, seven years ago, I was reached out as Gdali has said it wrong before that uh when I came to Kesha the first chas they hired me to come speak there because I was ready I think at the time probably over 10 years dealing with these had and at that time a fish was still in the the whole kashi started because a fish let's give him the credit of Gdalia and many others that opened were from from and they decided that they're going to just make a shabas for all the areing not only the ones that want to come to shabas and that that want to do the mahal from they want other to come and throughout the years after keshani was opened the only one that persisted and continued carrying the whole of keshani the other ones dropped out the ones that started helping the gdalia about Saddic. He calls himself a mush for running Kashani and taking upon himself such amazing work but really is sadic he's able to continue I think that up to Shabasi 13 or 14 is speaking probably at 11 or 12 of them this is something that continues to share so what's the shabas that we're going to have here there's two two points of the shabas shabas number one You see, you have is you're in the room together with other that are struggling. You find friends. You find other people that are similar situation. You share ideas. That's one part of the shab is just coming and seeing so many other that are in the same matz as you. Everybody coming out of the closet and facing this this challenge in public in a public setting. That's and number two, you come for under the knowhow and education and knowing how to deal with this. There are many different it's not one size fits all his mahal if Russell has his mahal. There's many different mahalim and and revitz I want to call her revit sashani listener she has her mahal the common denominator is quite quite close quite close I would say 80% of all these mahal and many more are very very similar it's all in the same kon where the red line is where do you where do you stop how far do you go with crisis house you'll have different opinions so you come for shabas nobody dictates which mahal you should use you come for shabas to get and pick up and you listen to speeches. You come to Shabasi there and then you have so many other speakers of the day and they talk a little bit they veer off a little bit this way that way. It's not a steal. It's not a contradiction. But they go, you take home what works for you. Take home what works for you. So after all these years being in this line myself, I've been trained so so much so time and I've in it me and my wife were doing so much in this field. So the last few years we decided for us for me for my cycle for my understanding the most that pulled me that gave me um the real tools how to deal with the shimmer. So that's why me and wineer most a lot of you know him is a guy from a sadic that does so much and then there's a a lady in flatbedler. So all four of us were five of us were trained by the Shiman directly because I wanted to use his mahal. I figured to me that makes the most sense in in more or less but again it's not totally you could take 90% of it you take 80% of it. Don't go home after shabas feeling that you're a failure or you're not able to do certain parts of it. The mic is to understand what the crisis is all about to understand what's happening to our children. Why are they going off? What's happening? Why are they leaving the family? Why are they not talking to the parents? Why are they fighting with the friends and the biz? Why are they having legal issues with the car and driving and speeding and drugs and and tattoos and every kid whatever they doing issues? What's happening to them? That's something that we could all learn from all the mal. It's all the same to understand where it's coming from. And this is what we're trying to give the parents the the part of the Shabas that gives us is to understand what happened to these kids. Why are they acting out this way? And once we understand that, we could try to think how do we heal them? How do we bring them back to a place where they're able to face all their fears and all the stuff? So to me personally, I have this to my own kids as many of you know. And uh both of them happened after 10 years of me being in the line. Hashem gave me that I should feel it. I should really know you know you could practice and and and and then preach and you know this this different different lies. I've realized one thing's for sure that whatever always put into my ears again and again and I heard many times from from from Shani listen to Shani listen that a healthy attachment to a child is going to heal everything we could sit and learn a study there's so much going on and it's actually very traumatizing for us to learn the trauma that our kids went through it's very traumatizing if sometimes sits through a a crisis class and you start listening what it means to them being molested in school being bullied being hurt in front of other kids and what it does to their brain we become traumatized how where was I you know so that's not the goal to scare us and to hurt us the goal is to understand how to heal it and the catch from you all healing over here is creating a healthy attachment to soothing them now like the four S's that I've actually said before to they should feel safe secure seen as soothed through us now we could do right now even when they're older even when they're out of the house or they're still in the house now is the time that we could still make them feel seen and soothed naturally in the olden days or many of us with regular kids when they're young when a child acts up they behave your child is hitting the younger the younger sibling fighting sibling rival rivalry the regular stuff what do we do naturally what did our parents do with us you we reacted with an action to their action. We reacted to their action. They they did an action. They did something wrong. So in my times was a patch. You hurt your brother a or a punishment or whatever was always given us. We we were reacted to our actions with a reaction. Now we realized that we stop reacting to their actions. We react to the cause of their actions. What is the cause of their action? A person behaves a certain way is because they feel that way. If a boy walks into he walks into class or a girl walks into the school and she feels that half a class is talking behind her back, hurting her. She feels insignificant. She feels like a loser. She feels hurt. How she going to behave behave that day? She's the aggressive type. She'll start fighting back. You know, she just fight. She'll start hurting the other kids. She'll act up. She'll make trouble in school. She feels like a loser. She feels insignificant. She feels not wanted or need it. The other type of kid that uses flight is going to roll up in the corner, hide, give an excuse, say, "I have a headache. I need to go home." And the parents call and get a phone call. Your child has a headache. It doesn't feel good. He wants to come home. When my child when my the principal calls out and says, "Your child wants to come home early. You have to come pick him up because he's not feeling well." 99% of the time I know is he's feeling a certain way and he needs to run. I have another kid that's a fight set of kids. He'll he'll he'll come home and tell me a story that that kid bullied him and what he did back there. That's his nature. So that's those are the actions that they're doing. But we need to be clever. Oh, I said like the lady instead of saying smart, he just said clever. We need to be clever. In New York, clever means like over smart and smart. But you say smart, you say clever. As smart means chic, right? Nice. You dress smart. Okay. New York speakers are speak. So we need to understand what is causing our child to behave a certain way. How can I change their feeling and their behavior will change automatically. So if my child is acting up and I come, my wife says, "I can't handle anymore. this kid, you know, I I punish this guy. I he's still doing everything wrong today. So what I do is I sit down with that kid, put on my lap, I start music 15 minutes unrelated to their action, unrelated to what they did to the siblings. Just give that 15 minutes attention. The child goes off my lap and is good in a good mood the whole the next four hours until they go to bed. He said, "Change the way this kid feels about himself." So I have a line that I always use. We need to focus on our child's need, not on their deed. Focus on their need, not on their deed. So if a child has a deed, an action, a behavior in a certain way, that's that's that's dangerous or that means they have a need. They're crying out to us, look at my need. Don't look at my deed. I think that does the same. It's not about our deed. It's about understanding. Why is the child not behaving? What's what's happening to this [Music] kid? The to starts the beginning Hashem created also means health to start the to be they need to be very healthy. You need to be physically emotionally, mentally can help. That's how it works. So if someone has an issue with Yiddish, it's 99.9% not a Yiddish kite issue. It is a painful issue. The kid is in pain. There's something hurting them. This is what all of us anybody in this field from unconditional parenting to to god blindness to which I'm going from next week to speak my wife is speaking over there organization seats wherever it is any organization in the world we all know this one very very we didn't know this 10 years ago 15 20 years ago maybe some of us we learned that we what is taking off people never that they came from apicarsis and they went to like some kind of a of a class It's like the old time the the Huscoula enlightenment movement and they can't they're coming from pain, trauma, hurt. I want to share with you such a sad story just came to my mind. I had a man that came to me recently. He was a struggling teen settled somewhat married to a girl that was also trying to settle somewhat. So they come to me every few weeks. We they're doing quite good. He had an episode, a story happened in a store. Someone told him something and he got a severe reaction and he acted up in a public place terribly and his wife cannot forgive him. So I asked him what happened. He said no. So I as a therapist I wanted to crawl back. So you know what happened? What was your trigger? Why was your amydala on on high alert? Why why you running to fight a flight? It was a s you know something that happens. So it came out that when he was a boy in he was embarrassed he was he was he was he was he was called out in front of the whole lunchroom in front of hundreds of kids in the and the and the manal whoever it was didn't have cycle and he told him this is a hint I say hint like a dog and it made him crawl in front of the g so that it created him social anxiety which it worked out a lot. But it was in a public setting as someone told him something his amigdala right away triggered oh danger and and when we're in danger we we behave a certain way. We go into flight mode. There's a barak he makes every year he makes a sad for his kids and his from the day that he came out of the holocaust. I don't remember which of the year it is. As his family is growing now he has and great great grandchildren, probably great great grandchildren. And I don't know what it was two years ago, whatever it was, but one of the parties he the whole family and he comes and he gives for and he says the story how he got out of it and and the whole ma how he came out of the holocaust and everything he survived. one of his anl was trying to be cute and he put on the pajamas vaden wore in the holocaust in in ashitz and I don't remember was actually the zidas that he saved up or someone who came in and wanted to make like act it out the z was speaking for all I heard it for one of the grandchildren that were there the zid was speaking out the whole family and this kid walked in this teenager whoever it was walked in with the the big die torture and the zida fell on the floor immediately and fainted. He was he was out with almost 70 80 years after the war. What happened? What happened? The person knows logically you're in a safe place. Logically you're in a good place. Logically you're you're in America. You're you're what happened? His amygdala the the simple language is triggered something or enactment is is professional word he had an enactment something reminded him of that past trial and you could you could say but I'm so nice to you already for years I'm doing everything certain things remind us c certain places where we were and what we did it doesn't have to be as severe as the story it could be simply certain words certain faces certain that we don't that remind them of of of a certain person that didn't behave. I had a year ago, maybe less, I don't remember when it was, I got a a WhatsApp from from a good friend of mine in Toronto and he sent me a message. He said he needs to talk to me ASAP. Something happened with his kid. So, what was it? He told me that his child, a 13-year-old, 12, 13 year old boy came is is is acting up the last few weeks is not behaving normal. So, you know, regular kid, healthy kid. and he told his child something that he didn't like that night and this child spit him in the face. He spit his father in the face. So he called me said, "What do I do now? How do I?" So I told him, "What you do now? I I'll tell you what to do." He said, "Yeah, but don't come with your crisis. This is a regular kid. What is the right thing? Should I punish him? Should I smack him? Should I throw him out of the house? Should I Why What am I doing with this kid?" He hits me in front of the other kids in the face. I said, "If you're asking me, I would tell you to take this boy, take him for a drive, not now and a half an hour from now. In the car, you tell him as follows. I know that you love me very very much. And if you spit me in the face, must be that something is is very very bothering you very very much. Something is hurting you like extreme. What is that that is hurting you? I want to help you. like I said listen you called me this is my mal this is what you should do an hour later he called me back this the mom was crying on the phone he told me I was a novi what was it he took him on a drive beginning the song was like angry I'm looking at him the reason why I told him to take a drive because you know in the car sometimes you have very good conversations you know certain conversations because you both are focusing that way not facing each other right some you certain conversations happen in the car better and this the scenery is moving so usually it's better to look into the eye but certain conversations I don't figure the boy is not going to want to look in the eye he tells the son exactly as I told him I know you love me very very much if you spit me in the face he must be something terribly the boy says you know my is not feeling well already two weeks as a substitute he's picking on me every single day for the last week I have to stand on the call for hours. My feet are killing me. I'm embarrassed in front of the whole class. I can't take the pain anymore. So the father says, "Look, I was about to punish him. I was about So he asked me, "What do I do now?" I said, "What do we do now? You're going to stick up for your son. Tomorrow morning, you're going into the you're walking into the manal's office the second opens and you're telling him that that has to leave not in the morning. He can't stay another minute in the mid." And that's how you're going to heal your child. And he did it in the mouth as forgiveness said I had no clue. I didn't know that that the substit became even better afterwards with the parents because it opened up a door. This is the goal. The goal is to heal our kids. to heal our kids in a sense that they should feel comfortable to come and tell me to come and tell us parents I messed up someone messed up with me someone hurt me that's when you know you achieved the goal as a parent if your child feels comfortable in telling you p or ma I messed up yesterday I did so and so and you're not going to feel judged they're not going to feel belittled. They're going to feel like you have an awkward space for them. You're going to listen to them and understand them. Say, "You're a teenager. You're a child. You're going through a hard time. Can I help you? You want my advice? Let me see if I could help you. Maybe I can get used to someone. Let's see how we can get through this." This is what's going to heal our kids. This is safe, secure. If your child is somehow going to find a child that's every case is different and we're all dealing with different to heal a child that's that's that's behaving recklessly because their amydala is on fire because we don't know what traumatized them or what it was but if they're going to feel the mala are going to go fire for me they're not going to judge me even if I spit them in the face they're going to look at my need they're not going to look at my deeds they're going to want to see what I suffering what's hurting me and that I didn't look at what's their issue with the Gatm the ego that people going to say what I'm going to walk with this child in the store I'm going to walk in the streets with this kid and everybody's going to say and that's the way we're going to heal them the moment our kids are going to feel not here not in this cycle not in there because this is off as I've actually said before the subconscious the hippoc campus reptilian brain, the emotional brain is going to feel that even when I embarrass my parents, even when I do crazy stuff, even when I misbehave in a way that malish, they don't throw me out of the house, they keep me and they carve me. They love me. They connect to me. Slowly but surely, their amydala and their subconscious is going to believe you. They're going to drop everything as Hashem. They're going to be able Hashem to function and focus and make smart choices in their life. Again, that's the goal. That is the ultimate goal of this whole thing is to create a healthy attachment to our kids that they should know that whatever they'll do blah tata and this is the goal of of of of the whole concept of what we're preaching here. How to do it, where to do it. You're listening to to this one, to that one, to different organizations. It's the it's the same idea. This is the goal. Is it hard? I'm living it. See, see them. But the child is walking in nuts and la the kid is doing this. The master the boys are behaving this way. The son is doing that. And what to the other kids? Of course, we're going to talk about it throughout Shabas. How can we deal with the other kids? And what a we need to but the focus is creating a healthy attachment to our kids. And you know what else creates a healthy attachment? Not only opening up ourselves that where they could confide in us and share with us. We need to be interested in their interests. You have a walking saddic. How many people went to all the other literatur such they're in a different world that such a high level and we come in and we cry about do they ever make you feel like they come down to your level. We need to be able to go down to a person's level and whatever hurts them hurts us and whatever excites them excites us. There's a famous story the bashmto when he was told by the mag from shay long story but he was told by the magma that he has to come out to stop being alarmed go out the people need you he went out and he couldn't relate to the regular people he went back to the m said I don't understand these people they're talking about such he told him you know what lock yourself up for another year go even higher level of that's when you'll understand even the lowest the same thing we remember that night the same exact thing. You went out first time and then had to go back and come back in order to understand other people and to help is not that you should think about to all day. Of course, you should. But the moments when you're trying to heal your child, you go into their mind and if they're into something, you'll be into that. The Flem Fryfeld, you heard about him? I'm sure you fry had a boy that he he raised in his house. this whole story how the boy came to him and the boy was very into um American history the Indians into their history he was very into that fryeld ordered all the books he told someone to order the books he read up everything about Indian history he wanted to know everything and he was able to come talk to the kid and and today is the the also had a child that's listen cousin long story and that kid was very into sports. that Salem Maru the Salef and and that kid was was Marthodox who was this cousin came to live by English that the father died after the war and he the sailor roof told this guy but order all the books of sports the sailor roof know all the the players the the baseball they don't know sports whatever it is that the whole yearly sound like sash but whatever it's called I everything about sports and he connected with that kid and that kid is today a Zida in Willisburg with their mom shining the world because he connected he was interested in their interests and I remember my daughter was very very interested in certain Mr. Gosh, it was so hard for me to put my brain there. But I tried because I knew of this me it's easier by the way. Anybody that's in this field is always easier because we're preaching it all day. It's easier. I have reminders every day. I remind Okay, I have to do this. I have to do that because I'm preaching and I have to. So, I have reminders. I'm interested in her interests. Hey, you know what we need to do with our regular healthy kids at home? Your three-year-old comes home, you sit on the floor, you play with them Lego, this is their world now. and he shows he made a boat and this boat is going to go and the kid that's connection that's attachment attachment is you're interested in where they are interested in that's attachment so I'm going to end now because we have two more minutes to go we're going to take a break and then we're going to hear so I just want to make sure that I wrap this up in a in and and in in a in a way that we could actually take it home. Number one, their need is what we're looking for and not what they did. Number two, we understand that no kid goes off Yiddish kite because they went off yushkite. They go off yushkite because they go off everything else. Something else is hurting them. And yiddish kite is the place where we see it first. Usually yiddish kite is the place where we that oh he start it doesn't sit by the shabas table. starts up one way and then they sit there and then they stop. But we need to right away for all the newcomers here, you need to remember if your child is acting up even in a small way, something is hurting them. Try to zoom in as speedily as possible to figure out what's really hurting them and how you could become buddies with your kids. Go home after Shabas. Get them tired. Take your kids on outings. play with them, do with them what they are interested, not what you're interested in. And as Hashem, Hashem is gonna give us and then they just come back to the and slowly but surely for some of us this is a very very long painful journey. I'm not to give any promises to anybody like just do it and it's going to be good. Takes time. We don't know how deep the trauma is. We don't know what's going on in the system. It could take a long time, could take shorter time. It needs to be as follow of course, but we need to do aas. Last week I thought what is it? You're not allowed to be miracles. You're not allowed to rely that is gonna give you a miracle. What does that mean? In other words, you need to do the maxadas whatever makes sense. If you don't do the maxadas you're imagine you're doing you're doing with your child and information I married off quite a few kids so I know what it is finding out information this. It's like you know is going to that did I do what makes sense again you know you don't need to have OCD and anxiety but you need to follow whatever the when it comes to how to do they tell you how to ask information how much dates to have and what you need to feel before you close the close the deal you do that you do anything less you're need to do we need to do whatever makes sense but not more and not less of course where's the line It depends. There's a lot of different lines and a whole thing of but definitely we need to do so if we're talking about that's what we're talking about and the rest is up to give us and we should be able to see the goods in our kids to look at them with with mercy with instead of looking at them on and judging zero judgment and we should only see that when a child misbehaves you your heart should cringe. Ob my child had to be so to me it must be there's so much pain my child had to do there so much [Music] pain it's it's terrible have that you cannot have judgment while you're having that's a gift that gave us he can't have both at the same time you can't have din while you're having a judge of has has to go with with with he can't he has to be very technical he has to be whatever Whatever the is, you have to do now. But a parent to a child needs to go with and we need to feel bad for them. Give me the ko to see the good in them and to see that they're in pain and they're struggling. And we're here throughout the whole Shabas to to to being each other to have that to have that and we'll continue [Music]