R Shimon Russel Developing Resilience in All Our Children

I'm going to give it a bit of a brief introduction because I'd like me to understand the framework that I'm coming from it sounds a bit tinny still is it good bad it's not good yet right good so I'll keep talking my introduction and they can fine tune the introduction because this isn't so important it is important to me perhaps when I started my profession for about the first ten years or so I was a therapist in Lakewood and I was doing my job I think I was somewhat mediocre trying to work out how to do the job and then I cut Ashraf's who put a gift into my life when eldest daughter who was then 14 went off the Derick shall we say she were not very hard it's hard to explain exactly it was in the days so many years ago when it wasn't very popular to go off the Daris it certainly wasn't very popular for girls to go to the Daris and I was somewhat well known therapists already he took us by surprise and to a great degree shattered my confidence and I'll be honest there were times during the next Cooper when I had serious reservations about continuing as a therapist I had considered changing professions I felt I was cheating people by pretending to help them when in those days I wasn't comfortable yet to talk about it Karishma who actually sent me a gift one afternoon he's a couple came to see me and they start telling their story actually it was rather uncanny their first names of the same as my wife and I the couple and they started telling me about the story of their 14 year old daughter who'd gone off the Derick and all the troubles they have with her and halfway through the session not even halfway in about a third of the way into the session I stopped and I said to them look I think you may be here under false pretenses so let me tell you something and I told them about my pair that we had suddenly fallen into and I said look I'm not going to charge you if you want to leave I towed understand that and I apologize if any misunderstandings but I'm not sure if you really want to work with me and they smiled and looked at each other and then they look to me and they said well why do you think we came to you what you think people don't know and I have to be honest I did I didn't know people knew and they all know everybody knows in fact when you keep goes up you're the last one to know the neighbors know your relatives know everybody knows me but a coach brach who sent me that gift and that gift was very very important to my life and I decided to do this and dedicate myself to trying to take what I could learn from my own journey incorporate what I could learn from now thousands and thousands of other people's journeys and try and realize you know there's a bigger picture here and you know simplistic answers and solutions these will not serve us well they actually hurt us well-meaning but very very superficial thoughtless answers can actually hurt us they create a false sense of hope they lead us in the wrong direction they almost always make us do things that we were regret later so I sell to set out on a journey where I I ask myself you know can I sort of be bigger than this parsha and try and think what is this really about what is a shaman telling us how does this fit in the scope of the world of cloudy spot of yardas this is not an anomaly but this is a message and this is a gift if we can see how to embrace it I set out on a journey a personal journey to try and understand that gift and to see what we could do with it over the next year's five of our very learning disabled kids also went through the passion we have eight children there were times in the in the distance my memory doesn't serve me exactly welcome there were times and I wasn't so comfortable to talk about it I confess but through this journey for Hashem all of those children returned to Shariah submitters they returned to be fine human beings exceptionally excellent caring Jewish people trying to work out their journey and service by Kurdish boggle but it takes us expanding ourselves to embrace this journey to understand what this is about globally to let go of the praten that the embarrassment and the shame and trying to fix it so quickly and it demands the shift where I can really primarily look at fixing me first it's like the metaphor of the airplane we've all seen it when you're not on the airplane and they show you the safety message and they always show you put on your oxygen ask first and then put the one on your child afterwards and I've come to believe and see clearly that if we put the focus the doggish on fixing our kids first we will fail and what we must do is go on this journey a very personal journey for each and every one of us to work out our own kinks to see what it is I have to fix about me to see what this Pacha kicks up inside me that in all honestly I'm not comfortable with the remainder of every one of us about tickin emitters of our slavers are hard on but we know that's what we're here for in this world to see that first to put our oxygen our spiritual oxygen mask on first to take care of my issues so I can then put that mask on my child would help then afterwards somewhere in 1998-99 I don't remember when the Jura server published a article by a very noted Mahana it's no live anymore it's a wonderful person and I took exception so I've never written to a magazine in my life I just did my private thing got on with my life tried to pay the bills and take care of my family but you know they had a little box where they brought out this box to highlight a new CUDA and this box said that it is the overwhelming consensus of mental health professionals the children going off the dara come from dysfunctional homes now I found that odd I've had it odd because I was pretty convinced my home it's functional I imagine as one or two people here could relate to that feeling but the notion was that somehow that yes they all come from dysfunctional homes and for the first time in my life I took pen to paper and I wrote to them together with a colleague and I challenged what they'd said I asked them perhaps you're putting the corporate of their cart before the horse maybe the problem with the child will create dysfunction in the home and maybe then and only then you can look and say yes this home is in dysfunction maybe it needs to be to save its child maybe it needed to move them so I wrote an article together with a colleague a letter to the editor where I challenged what I thought was both wrong and dangerous because I understood that the micromanaging of kids to try and fix them which is going to occur if we believe that the world will see us as these dysfunctional people if we have struggling kids so the iturra is that we're going to fix our kids quickly so the world won't look at us as dysfunctional and that micromanaging fixing actually greases the rails of kids going off the Dera that was my argument and if you remember then they put out the famous edition of children on the fringe and summer something changed something changed I've tried to do a lot of research over the years to understand this you know this idea that kids are coming from dysfunctional homes was abusive and it was wrong it was very self-serving but it didn't help any of us because if we're just gonna say our case the robot we're all dysfunctional so let's just blame the dysfunctional people and everyone else could say well I'm obviously not dysfunctional apparently until I have a kid off the dirt and that suddenly makes me dysfunctional apparently I found that to be abusive I met an awful lot of wonderful people who had kids who went off and who struggled with this parsha and what was more interesting this notion of dysfunctional homes you know I started doing my research and what I noticed was that even in the so-called dysfunctional homes where these kids are coming from low and behold in the majority of such homes most kids didn't go off the dirt so if the notion was the family is dysfunctional will have come only the minority of a minority of those homes the kids went off the derrick how's that possible if dysfunction is the reason we'd expect all the kids to go up and of course that didn't happen and in fact what we began to understand is that we enough with the bite of smarts and not with the you know the knee-jerk reaction to what is a very very confusing Sookie enough with making grandiose statements qualia snicker statements about this is why kids are going off this is the reason as if someone actually knows people asked me I'm doing this work for 25 years I cannot tell you authentically what causes any particular child to go on if you show me any particular child I can probably show you what caused that child but I'll show you the same symptoms with another child the same challenges in this Jonas with another child who didn't go so how exactly is that the cause they went off it's not caused by size the description we have to let go of these notions that somehow we're in charge and then we have these god-given powers of knowledge and understanding and we certainly have to let go of the deep shame and pain that comes with the passion a feeling blamed a feeling responsible is feeling we've we've caused it I've met people who had truly dysfunctional homes I have worked with families where there's no question their family was highly dysfunctional and yet I've seen kids in such homes somehow bike out of such families to become repellent to become doctors and therapists and lawyers to become women who has gone in and teachers and somehow stood on the back of that dysfunction to become super special so no we have to get rid of all these ideas and notions that we think we know what causes it while at the same time we have to get honest to try and understand what happened to my child what's happening to my other children and how can I best help them through their passion what can I do through nefesh international iran co-chaired four conferences where he brought hundreds of mental health professionals Rubin and Mahan come together for a few days to analyze debate discuss and argue and see if we can work out what's going on what is actually behind all this what's causing all this can we can we understand it because if we can perhaps we can we can do some prevention perhaps we can help kids come back so we've ran a bunch of conferences think tanks even published the materials we came up with a list of 24 risk factors loosely grouped in three areas individual risk factors like disabilities problems kids head we looked at family problems and issues the families going through their own crises within the family context and then we looked at external things that happen to kids like abuse it's neither internal nor is it else is not in the family it's outside and we put together a list of about 24 risk factors and I went out there to research and I talked to kids hundreds and hundreds of kids and I went through the list with them asking them to do any of this ever happened to you and if it happened to you what was the impact when were you treat it did anyone ever talk to you about the problems was primarily I did it for kindergarten through eighth grade and we looked at these 24 risk factors asking did these things happen tuned if they did what age were you what grades were you in when it happened let's say your parents got divorced or what grade were you when they got divorced um first great okay so then the question was asked so what age were you when someone came and tried to help you when you had effective intervention and a compassionate therapeutic way to help you deal with your pain and struggles about that issue if you were diagnosed with a DD what grade were you in when you got that diagnosis and what grade were you in when you felt you had effective help for that problem and something tragic and astonishing emerged we had 24 risk factors two things emerged this research went on for a year or two we put all the information together and we now know the truth then it was hard to hear but all the risk factors but one were clustered in 46% and down of the kids reported 24 23 out of the 24 excuse me 23 out of the 24 risk factors were reported by 46 percent of the kids up to a one-race factor who was reported by 80 percent of the kids which we all now know was sexual abuse we certainly in the early days did not understand the impact of sexual abuse what we didn't even understand what it was to this day we're still struggling to understand the experience of a sexually abused child because for most of us were clueless as to what exactly that experience is people are still saying to kids can't you just get over it and the kids feel this and now they can't just get over it we have a long way to go to understand the truth behind what hurts out paint kids to really deeply grasp that pain and we as parents this is our first obligation responsibility to get into their shoes to be in that place of pain with them to really deeply resonate and let go of the notions of con you just get over it okay so we know we understand it stopped happening can't we just move on and yet somehow it comes out of us um probably because we're frightened we're scared for ourselves we're scared for our kids we're scared for their lives that she loved him our family name who knows what we're scared of are we scared and so we've become a little controlling we want to fix it quickly and we find it so hard just to be with it just to be with it that would be can you just like if you close your eyes just for a moment and ask yourself can I find a place in my heart where I can just be with them in my nightly but sorrow can I be with you in that place of pain because that's the place where healing starts it doesn't start so we can get into that place with them where I can be with you into a place of pain instead of trying to fix you to shift you to move you but to be with you I have to stop there these conferences Iran leads to a journey the journey was about the dual roles of prevention and recovery to understand what will it take what will it take to prevent this can we is it even possible one of the other things that emerged when we did the research was think about it we did research with kids asking them to record their experiences between kindergarten and eighth grade basically eight years of their lives at this point there are about 13 years old children reported on average a six and a half year gap between when the problems occurred to them and when they had effective intervention healing treatment anything Karen someone got involved effectively to help them six and a half years of a child who is 13 years old who doesn't become so aware and portable till they're about four six and a half years is about 70% of their life imagine any of us going through a traumatic experience killing a life is being ripped from us feeling we're made into utter complete failures and having to spend 70 the scent of your life languishing is that pain and fear that hurts in shame without effective treatment a 70% of your life we have to be with that we have to start in a place where we can be with that feeling where we can look at our children and feel that pain but from that place perhaps we can walk towards healing but that's the place we have to go to we have to let go to the rush to fix and instead we have to rush into a place of being with them in my life you but sorrow so they know I resonate you and I don't blame you don't blame me for anything what child ever deliberately signed up to go up the debt never happened every single one of these kids reacted to external circumstances they knew nothing about do not comprehend or understand could not protect themselves from an ever we have the cruelty to blame them it's pusher cruel imagine it after you know one year we all came to Kol Nidre and we found in us extender a pink slip from the Robina shillelagh you're fired get out and with that came a whole narrative of everything you committed to last year by the ELA all those commitments and there were some left the sheets on your stander letting you know hello this is what you said laughs - these your words you made a commitment let me show you how badly you failed get out this world of pain we have to walk into that world with our kids and given to a spiral initially on there I'm Garrett's so we must walk into that world with them together you must start at a place where I feel I resonate I am with you I don't blame you I don't judge you and then whatever I do with you whatever response reaction I have to you is with kindness isn't is with love it's with sensitivity and understanding doesn't matter what you do I don't care what it is you ever say I used to suggest to the men you know the little Dylan the little mirror you have you principle and keep one in your pocket if you have a kid in crisis keep one in your pocket before you walk in the house take a look have a look are you smiling are you warm do you look loving the ladies have that you know compact thing right you have that you know with that mirror thing right in there take a look in it what do you look like do you think your daughter your son is really gonna be happy to see you the way you look take a look in that mirror first and ask yourself when my child sees this face what will they see will they see my love my carrying my acceptance or will they see my pain my misery my disappointment and if you think they might see the latter excuse yourself disappear go somewhere get busy go to the laundry I don't care just do something go to base a message but ah go home don't be in front of hurt pain troubled traumatized children with that face we want weed aventura by initial item and we connect to reversion as that are hor-aha Mon how many of us would connect rebuttal if he was pointing of an angry finger at us and making us feel like two cents to understand this serger is taking me on a tremendous journey and the journey is one of development constantly trying to deepen my awareness here I must confess it's a little intimidating because I have a feeling one or two of you might have heard something that I've said in the past is there right but they say Besame this blood here there so I'm hoping I can see something you haven't heard who knows one of yous guys they know that I'll be send that to his three weeks ago we just we got that clip where did he go I have no idea but he got it somewhere I think he has a video camera in my house somewhere he has more Clips than I had he has clips I didn't even do I don't know how he did it and then clips of me yes clips we're looking young they're amazing I want to talk about a disorder and I'll sort of weave this in by the way let's all be very honest I have two 450 now I think by now everyone realizes I could probably talk for a while we have two options here there are two different subjects actually we're in this session one I've just about begun to introduce the other one I haven't even talked about yet we meant to talk about two subjects one is creating resilience in all our children not just your kid not just just struggling child but all our children and I have a focus on that that I'd like to share that I think is crucial the second one is my personal bias that I believe that unless we work very stark on our solemn bias we are not going to succeed here the key the anchor for all this is our solemn bias now these are two different directions what I'm willing to do is do a proper job of the first one and if there's no time for the second one we're going to find another time with the schedule I just don't think there's another option I don't want to compromise you and if there's time there won't be time but I'm definitely not gonna just do two drugs that want to pretend it was clever and look now Russell's brilliant look I did that it's just confusing they're two different dresses and I want to separate them out so I want to talk about the first one is that's okay that we're great we'll see how the time goes and you know if you fall asleep I'll know I'll and I said my wife says she married me for my accent apparently my accent keeps people awake it sounds intelligent they say the British accent you could say anything and they think wow he's smart mary had a little lamb' look she really did I want to talk about a disorder that's both simple profound and crucial to understand I want to teach you how to so to speak avoid or remediate that disorder and in doing so I hope for your walk home with something that's profoundly compelling and helpful to all the children in your family to everybody so that everyone will get them get some sort of benefit from this all of us the disorder is what's called in global terms attachment disorder I want to talk to you about attachment disorder so attachment disorder is a fascinating global disorder by the way this would be a good time just to check once again that all the phones are off including vibrate everything's off thank you so what is attachment disorder so I could give a whole lecture actually I'm not the best person to give a lecture on this maybe I'm probably one of the worst people to give a lecture on this but at least I understand the concept and are showing you the basic russia protium of attachment disorder tatra disorder or problems of attachment are referred to as problems that children have in their early childhood where they don't bond successfully correctly with their parents they don't feel attached to their parents properly where for reasons without let's get outside any concept of blame but let's just talk facts instead and everyone can take their own out of this attachment disorder has a profound impact for those people who have issues of attachment because life as we live it we human beings with social creatures we live in a context where we have relationships and within the context of those relationships that's where we flourish that's where we become fulfilled and without that we end up living in a world of almost like psychotic loneliness we're actually the psychotic can live much more happily along because they create their own world of attachments and people and an environment to live in for the rest of us healthy people we need relationships to thrive and unless we have meaningful relationships we don't thrive as I've said many times one way of looking at happiness is the happiness is the product of long term meaningful relationships it creates an internal sense of happiness I feel happy I took result a person who can walk into a room and feel connected or able to connect rather than walk into a room feel terribly insecure and uncomfortable because I don't know where to sit you come to a Shabbos and you're not sure where to place yourself that's a problem of attachment whereas others seem comfortable to walk into Rome and just greet and meet and sit who have a consider to have healthy attachments having healthy attachments is actually probably the foundation for having a healthy and productive life if you can have healthy attachments and you learn those healthy attachments from home from your parents then if you're fortunate enough you grew up in an environment where those healthy attachments are passed on to you one of the observations I've seen working as I do and have done for thirty years of our material in the free world is the impact of the Holocaust on damaging attachments of creating attachment disorder how many of the survivors survived but they survived without the ability to have help the attachments they didn't have them it was taken from them they never had to help the attachments because of the war on what they went through the Mammalia they never were able to pass on healthy attachments as well as they could have or shouldn't had they not gone through the war to their own children and I'm seeing at least in my work third and fourth generation of children struggling with attachment that goes right back to the Holocaust it goes right back to the war healthy attachments are crucial because they give us the ability to be resilient resilience means you go through or can go through trauma crisis pain and struggle and bounce back everyone has the Kasia oh you said sexual abuse I know someone it's usually themselves by the way they just don't want to say it I know someone who is abused and they didn't go to the dairy and they live a productive life and it's a fact you cannot possibly say that every single person who was ever sexually went off the Dara it's not true actually those who were abused and didn't go off may need to thank the reminder shillelagh when their parents could be because they had healthy attachments growing up and when you have healthy attachments it gives you the Caiphas the ability to negotiate and navigate life with all this ups and downs and that's the world the rabona shalom was meant to give them get that's what he gave us he gave us a world called Olam haba she owners over money scientism the silver stream says ola much lies a world of crises and struggles and when you have all of the attachments to begin with when you feel connected in the right way to your parents and your family so you're given the wherewithal through those healthy attachments for how to go through the struggles of life even trauma and even if you take a dip which is natural through the trauma or you bounce back you bounce back because there's something given to you that's in you that makes you survive this is what we have to convey to all our children we're busy worrying about these Pratt him of how the child in crisis is going to affect the other siblings and so we busy like trying to protect them and then and they shouldn't talk to each other in addition we send this one on vacation and this one you know we're doing all these interventions and actually most of it fails most of it fails and in fact we can damage healthy children so to speak more by all these interventions of trying to save them because we end up making them feel insecure we end up making them feel I'm terrified all of you and for you I'm terrified every second you're gonna go up the Delta 2 and in doing so I destroy the underlying concepts of good attachments instead of building it your terror and fear which is understandable with parents and we don't want to see our other kids hurt or this one in crisis worse and that terror and fear actually undermines having good attachments attachments poor attachments can happen in a heartbeat we don't even realize I think our marshal just a partial see understand couple have a baby have a little boy and they're a couple of days before the bris mother is nursing it's not going well baby's colicky and just at this time unfortunately the father has lost his job there is no cow no sir running around trying to raise money bills are flying in every direction and as he comes into the bedroom to discuss with his wife how no we got to make a bris we got nothing money like whatever we're having going to do this it's embarrassing what we gonna do he notices out the bedroom window his car being towed we got the picture now there is no model as I will show you shortly of great to help the attachments than a nursing mother with her child there is no model of a healthy you'll see soon that is the healthiest model of secure attachments that that's the best that's what we tried to emulate the rest of our lives that experience for the child so here the child is in the embrace of his mother being nursed in the security and comfort that that provides while the father comes in and has a meltdown watching the car being towed frustrated about his whole life situation throwing the bills on the bed and basically having a mini panic attack about the Souris that they're in and this bris that he has no clue how they're going to be able to afford etc etc etc the mother understandably resonates to his deep anxiety and pain and tightens up she feels threatened she feels his anxiety and the child who's being nursed converts the experience of other cat's whiskers the experience you cannot package a better experience than being nursed as a child that's it that's the young and life is down ill from them this basement right nothing will ever be that good again right and in that moment her parent his parents are both having panic attacks not blaming anyone I'm just describing with the tears they're falling apart there's angry words there's sounds of nervousness and anger that is now permanently connected in the baby's psychic didn't primitive developing psyche with sustenance with nurture with touch with being cared for it's now merged together into one where the experience is one that's potentially frightening the so late in life a person has struggles with intimacy and has no clue why or where it came from but why this connectedness this feeling of connectedness is terrifying it's I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop my expectation is that any moment now this wonderful experience is going to be ripped from me and I have no idea why the neck oh well I'm trying to bring you into the world of how ignorant we are about these suckers you know we think we know and how little we really know and then I get the rebbe years later with that little boy who calls him the parents and then calls me in extremely angry about you know you know I've gone out of my way for this kid more than anyone you know and every time I get close to me runs away there's something wrong with your kid and everyone's clueless I have no idea what you're talking about and meanwhile deep in his uncle primitive developmental psyche in his brain patents is a relationship between intimacy or closeness or caring and fear and anxiety take that model and just multiply it by hundreds of thousands of scenarios and then ask ourselves do we really understand that good so we remember right to criticize them do we really have any hover men or why they do what they do win and help to really think their their behavior is intended it's reactive it's a it's a deep program inside them of fear and shame and their relationship to stuff that they is pre conscious preconscious it took me years in the sukkah of sexual abuse till I discovered a Pratt a detail that Pasha blew me away the issue about the babysitter's I don't know have you ever shared that piece of the view one of the children I was working with a young lady who was off the derrick and I discovered that about a third of these struggling with sexual abuse victims get worse in therapy not better and I called my colleagues lots of them and I asked tell me be honest this is happening to me is it happening to you could you look at your records we started looking at our records and discovering that you know what it is about that and about a third of the kids the abuse victims you send them to therapy they get worse well why is that are we that bad of what we do like what makes that happen and I had no clue but I realized it was true and I kept my eyes and ears open for ideas and thoughts one day I was doing a group with a bunch of girls and one of them was exceedingly nasty towards me exceedingly nasty rude cursing me the mineral salsa stuff and they asked her respectfully permission to challenge her could I challenge you you can if you want I said no I'm being honest I want to know if you want will you allow me to challenge it can i push you it's not gonna be pleasant but can I push you because something's going wrong in this therapy do you mind if I push you cuz I think there's something we don't know and she said yes to move my chair very close to her respectful were close and I started pushing her buttons halfway through this young lady got up ran out screaming out of the office out of the building I was with a code therapist I asked the other therapist to stay with the other girls and I ran off to her into the street behind the building had found her behind a bush crying hysterically and screaming and basically screaming you're gonna kill me everyone's gonna kill me I'm gonna kill myself I'm damaged and I conducted a session with her from the other side of the bush to this screaming pained young lady where she finally told me what it was all about and she said you know you keep using the wrong language all the treatment we were trained in was a treatment about villains and victims about villains and victims and we would always try to tell the kids you're the victim you're not a villain you're a victim this happened to you we totally forgot that about a third of them were repeating and in her case were using little babies that they babysat for their own pleasure to pleasure themselves for the private parts of little babies for me aside from helping her changing the language we did help her and she was able to heal but the penny dropped to something I found so astonishing and it ties into this attachment disorder issue because what I realized was the number of little kids who absolutely swear up and down I was never molested don't talk about it I don't want to hear about it now for most of the kids who say that they're just too embarrassed and or they repeat it so they can't talk about it till they're in a framework where it's safe to talk about it because they've not only been molested they'd molest it so how can they talk about so they denied the whole circular but then I realized there's loads of them out there who simply have no memory there is no memory of it and suddenly the penny dropped and I started digging and doing some research with rucious and discovered that yes indeed it turned out that these kids had been molested as papers by babysitter's kids who were available to babysit one point I recommended never a child in crisis babysit alone always have to just never let one do it alone because I found out it was quite prevalent once I knew I was able to ask once they realized I wasn't trying to hurt but I was trying to heal the kids started telling you so from early on they already detached because imagine a kid who grows up experiencing relating to themselves somehow sexually how do they exactly go through our system and survive how could they possibly go through our system either a boy with the issues of schmears I go pinch miss and nyan or a girl with the issues of sneezes sneeze sneeze every second sneeze when she or he are already interested in themselves sexually at age five so they detach they detach from us they detect early on because unconsciously they're already aware or feel based on the culture of this world that I'm growing up in I don't belong here and that's preconscious that's preconscious they're not aware of that it's just how they feel and we dare come along and blame and and criticize and punish these poor children how dare we these are issues of attachment right so I want to break it down attachment views that everyone goes home crystal clear about attachment so you can take these ideas and concepts to your struggling children to your non struggling children non presently struggling NPS sees non presently struggling children but you can have a framework for how to run your home how to relate to your children all of them because I contend that if we can presume that the underlying reason that some children get affected by different types of trauma and others don't if the underlying reason is actually poor attachments and we can strengthen those attachments then what we're doing is healing we're setting the framework we're setting the picture for healing to occur and for protection and strengthening and creating resilience in all our other children do you see that attachment is crucial children with poor attachments are the ones who are gonna have the PTSD attacks the post traumatic stress disorder tasks but completely dysfunction them that throw the mop see in the language of p1 or PTSD right the results of the trauma of sexual trauma or any form of trauma his post-traumatic stresses on listen to the language in the book in the diagnostic Statistical Manual American Psychiatric Association says the following the person suffering with PTSD think about your struggling kids as I say these words onset slowly are repeated are repeats is too much once the child will PTSD will have a severe psychological reaction at exposure to internal or external features or events it's not the right word I forget it the symbolize or resemble an aspect of the original trauma it's a mouthful I know they will have a severe psychological reaction at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the original trauma why why is that why do they have that reaction so there's a little part in the brain called the amygdala it's a little tiny part in the brain and one of the functions of the amygdala is so crucial is self-preservation it's definitely protect us and the amygdala is like a scanner it's like a hyperbolic you know a bowl a scanning machine the best one in the world and it scans all the time everything and everyone scanning for potential threats it's always doing this now if someone's non not gone through trauma and they've had healthy attack as a child with their parents then their list of traumatic events that the amygdala is looking for are extremely limited actually the amygdala may not even know what is looking for it may be looking for something so rare and extremely because this person grew up in such with such healthy attachments so free of trauma that the amygdala is scanning for stuff is so unlikely so this kid lives a healthy life they're able to attach their was to connect they're able to get over from they do not view insults or threats as queues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the original tropics they didn't have one mush in Cana trauma tree a trauma victim they do for them the amygdala is scanning for every event internal or external that could symbolize or resemble an aspect of the original trauma had a kid walked into my office once years ago this is my first years of practice and the boy is not the girls obviously but the boys who came in when they left something I would give them like a pat on the shoulder you know you did well today obviously no one does that anymore but I did one day I gave this kid of Patna shoulder my hand never reached him because he ducked away from it ran out and didn't come the next two weeks for his session I called the scholar called the parents we couldn't understand it I called my supervisor who did understand it and loved behold I had no idea at all with the molestation room so the hand touching his shoulder PC will be a cure both internal and external that symbolizes and resembles an aspect of the original trauma of being touched with ambitious and he freaked out he had a PTSD he acted the ways mentum his amygdala was scanning me the whole time the girls the victims who sit in my office one time I did a session with the young lady on a mere peasant in Israel and we work she wanted to be outside not inside and I had my sunglasses on and she was very shut down after what she said cursed me out and let me know she's not continuing unless I removed those sunglasses and then I realized why she wanted to see where my eyes were looking she wanted to see as she couldn't see so she was having a PTSD attack right there on there we have to understand attachment I believe is the foundation issue behind all of us if we can develop healthy attachment no no we must develop healthy attachments there's no in here because the belt whereas we want to be successful we must develop healthy attachments and if you look at all the longest I think that IV for sure has been trying to help and share it it really goes back to this this is what it's all about this is the essence and the underlying concept behind it all healthy attachments so how do we do it how do we develop healthy attachments so there's a concept I'm going to give you this is the take home my humble opinion of all the interesting things I may have to say I hope over this weekend this you take home this you has a this you live with this is the essence this is probably for me at least I'm sure there other speakers will have incredibly important things to say for me I think this is the most important thing that I'm going to share so what a healthy attachment what you want more comment first sorry I said last night I shared the thoughts I've been having a long time you know we talked about on the dare enough to death we all know this is like very loose and imperfect language so over the last year or so I've been developing a better understanding for myself of all the all the groups so to speak who are they what are they I hope to publish an article soon maybe for us on this subject and in this article I will describe what I considered to be the four groups outside the fifth group who are doing fantastic in our communities we have a group I'm willing to say 20% of our kids one in five who are doing amazing boys and girls who are actually doing outstandingly well I'm betting you if I had the money and I did the research we discover they're the ones with good attachments the circumstances of their lives whatever they were led to them having great attachments with their parents and it's those attachments that allowed them and freed them to do what all kids should be entitled to which is to strike in our wonderful system we have wonderful caring people wanting to help all the kids and yet only about 20 percent do this amazing fantastic result of success in the system and about 80 75 80 % don't but I want to tell you what I see in that 75 80 percent so you want to go crazy there are four groups in that and they all need us to work on attachments if we work on attachments with them we will help all these four rooms thank I'm not trying to be clever when I say this I'm trying to be you know a little you know give clarity but these groups I call as follows om TD you on the Darracq uninspired Oh n TD d on the Darracq disillusioned o of a litera still from and the OTD of the dinner these four groups take up about 75 80 percent of all the kids who go through our system a matriculate from our system if they get through at all we see achievers and seminaries around the world where they I do workshops in these places and they complain about the kids and these are the kids who are either Ont DD or Ont to you they're either on the dirt uninspired is like they do it there's no juice there there's no battery plugged in there's just they do we all have ever smiling so you know these kids we have the o NT DT the on the Dara they dress the part they dress the way they're meant to they basically do all they're meant to do however this so disillusioned these kids I give them an example the boys here will miss a my room after a a fastener they're not getting out of it the devil my room they come back betters money from you Shiva and krishma soft smile krishma that Tina Shiva maybe that Sonny doesn't belong Venice madam I think there's a head the girls you know the OM TDD will dress the most uncie ears as helplessness will allow what Evers are the absolute edge I can push it to that's where I'm dressing these are all kids damaged with poor attachments they don't have attachments to us properly you try talking to them you'll soon see you don't have good attachments with them and then off our darreth they're actually pretty good some of those kids there's like at least finding a derrick at least trying to find it Dara and the half of the dough all these groups this is about my opinion about 70% of our kids 75% they will all change their lives survey say if we work on attachments miss illustration I'm afraid is not gonna reach those kids muster is not gonna reach them angry faces critical Commons opening up her you know the Lister brewery you see soft smoked fish mass is not gonna help but it it's working on attachments yeah that is gonna help it's gonna change it I'll show you why later on baby I see that I'm so grateful I see the heads nodding that you're already too herring why this parsha this is gonna work and all the rest is to file and it's a waste of time and it might have been a destructive and abusive because all the rest of the stuff detaches our kids you yella the kid who comes home about soft smile charisma you disconnected him from yardas yeah but he's got to know he's got to know does anyone know what that means Stockton she has to know she shouldn't dress like Justin oh this is all build up to what I want to give you now the insight of how do we deal with attachment disorder how do we change and reattach to have kids all our kids all these kids all of them so we can create these healthier homes we can recover from the damage of the war truly recover and I think these kids are taking to a place to a place where we have no choice but to recover there is no other option but to recover recovering from the war is not building beautiful new shiva's and having elegant bar mitzvahs and fancy fasteners with raised letters on your benches that's not recovering from the war we're so in a sense we're so proud of ourselves of our recovery but forgive me it's an external recovery we're yet to see the beginning of the internal recovery from the water I mentioned yesterday one young girl 14 year old brilliant insightful young lady said to me years ago I was very very close with her that she said to me I think we're the moral conscience of something that's decayed about you yet I think we're the maharajah she was right I don't think she realized her right she was and by the way I mean it's put it in context what's the ultimate attachment disorder from the English term well we don't connect with Roubini shillelagh well we don't govern our lives thinking was the language determined the famous Meza richer we will talk about Siva Shawn brings it down where he said on the parcel on me on the emission by hello mother son de la flaca breathless saw visions of the messenger he puts the comma in that different place that beautiful insight because how does my the Sun a lot like a breathless um how does that answer caller Turku light that's been Adam welcome but we've been on the mahkum send Oliveira has that answer it's a measure to moves the comma mother son-in-law flick a great comma less orbit what's bad what disconnects you from God comma life solvent don't do it because we have to have attachment to God wait a man to be connected to remind us your life so the Optimates attachment disorder is the one where we detach Murray binational Island and the ultimate goal of parenting is to create a metaphor of attachments to a parent and on the back of that attachment a child a healthy one can grow up an attached to the Amhara come on to revise a shillelagh could there be anything more important than working on healthy attachment micro and macro Proteus and Claudius the whole life of yeah is to reconnect and know raised lettering on the benches has nothing to do with connecting to the bunch away someone disagrees with me please come over and prove it to me and how many types of heroin we have at our kiddush I'm not sure damage to really cares attachment or by sight what we're going to do and in reattaching which we have to do for these children in crisis we have no option there is no option to help them save their lives but to reattach to repair the damage and for all the other groups that I've mentioned they don't have a chance either unless we reattach and they're the ones at risk in your home they're the ones who are risk from your children in crisis because the other group have held the attachments and guess what the healthy attachment kids learn from you as you do this with your children they become proud of you they they learn love and Tyra and to Vegas is boss they learn the good stuff from you they grow from that too it makes them super charged with their lives as they see us reconnect with our children not give up on our children there's nobody I should send say to suddenly raka if you want to give away any of the kids give away over the rest of the kids just keep the struggling ones I'm not sure you realize that meant keeping most of your kids but there you are I hope I've made the case for attachment because now I'm about to tell you how to do it you ready your private to me you see my passion on this is this is not just another cute Russia or concept this is it this is the drug and I fear myself I can feel myself tear up as I say to you because I know the truth of it I've watched too many homes and families and I've watched those who did this who worked this system and they see the results I saw it with my children the Roshan returned mrs. despite what they went through I can tell you it works and I believe this is this is our job this is our god-given job so everyone write this down forwards and then I'm going to explain them in detail they are the four asses they are safe secure seen and soothed soo th e D suit safe secure scene ensue si se e and Mahesh's you remember first of all I'm going to cancel this again and again as we go forward they are the four asses of attachment to create healthy attachments we need to work on the four essence to repair damaged attachments we need to work on the four assets and I will explain them they're not complicated safe let's start with safe a child has a right to grow up in a home where they feel safe in generic general concepts and terms safety means thing is like I'm not going to be hurt or abused at nighttime the windows and doors will be locked up is safe from people intruding and hurting me I'll be safe from siblings hurting unnecessarily trauma in a traumatic way I'll be safe from parents venting their own unresolved issues that they should have been in therapy dealing with these are entitlements of children when we think of trauma and traumatic events most people think immediately the concept and notion of trauma we think of concepts like sexual abuse an event we think of notions like a car crash with someone died they would traumatize the addict traumatic experience when we think of trauma most of us think of it as an event and we have a very very very hard time relating to trauma other than it being an event many many many years ago I found a piece of research which tragically I lost and I can't find it again it was a piece of university research that I utilized to describe what I called learning trauma learning trauma that occurs to kids who have genuine learning disabilities who are then valcara put into an environment a school system the demands of them academic excellence if you are to be appreciated and worthy in this world the experience this group of researchers had happened to be with a Catholic school system that had also studied some of their systems that had very little other than academia didn't have drama sports and other things they just had academia and they studied the brains of kids who had diagnosed learning disabilities over their school years and they studied their brains when they finished high school and they found out with MRIs that the brain will lit up the exact same as it did from a rape victim or for someone who was in a severe car crash where someone died they had the exact same trauma impact on their brain and to me that was passion that a kid who has a severe learning disability and then goes through a system that essentially tells him you are only worthy you're the you're only the apple of my eye you're only the cat's whiskers if you study well you and you've evolved it if you're by the way these words as you know I feel should be banished permanently but you've really managed and I say it within that framework but you're only really successful if you're a big bulky ssin if you're a bit soon in learning then then you're someone then you're someone this creates trauma and there's a whole different type of trauma that has nothing to do with an event and what we refer to or I refer to this for years is developmental or relational trauma developmental trauma now developmental trauma has five different aspects to fight they're all forms of abuse the children experience abuse that deprives them of the safety the feeling of being safe in this world they do not feel safe and without safety you cannot have good attachments and these five types of trauma are as follows you could list them they are physical trauma of physical abuse emotional abuse psychological abuse if you look in the books in the secular world they call that intellectual use I call it psychological abuse sexual abuse and spiritual abuse all five of those forms fight physical emotional psychological sexual and virtual physical abuse is obvious where a child grows up in a home where there's physical abuse you know one wise pressed I'm not sure who said it but I heard it said oh right he was so precise who said that yesterday's discipline is today's abuse and it's such a great line I'm not sure it's totally accurate but it's a great line I grew up in a world where we got caned the cane stood behind the urinals about the toilet if we did something really wrong then my father was Sean sent us for the cane and you had to come and present the cane to my father where he was standing you were then banished to the bedroom where you had to be miss carrot on the head and I imagine he knew put on five more pairs of Underpants you know to protect yourself and then he came in and sat with us calmly about 20 minutes later what did you do what was wrong about it to commit this up not to do it again bend over and you got came three times that was the end of it do that today you'll probably go to jail you'll probably go to jail physical abuse the world changed most of us grew up in a world where it's fake hedge answered most problems in life you don't need therapy spay Petrin you're done I grew up in a world where the threat of spate hedge worked my father gave us a look if we didn't chant please mummy darling may I leave the table and we got up a chair he looked at us and that was it we grew up in a world where all that was okay and today's world that's abusive and the the real abuse of it is not the event itself it's the deprivation of safety from a child it makes a child not feel safe and if they don't feel safe you undermine their attachments and if you Amanda mind their attachments you deprive them of resilience for life's problems and struggles and issues do you see it so it's irrelevant whether I have alumnus or not whether which they shouldn't feel that way who cares about my lumbus the world changed reversely physical abuse it's over you can't hit your kids anymore you can give an insult punch to a little kid that walks in the street and you go like that to insult it and you sure there's a mitzvah to do it but that's about it so most of us have loved that lesson what about emotional abuse for the connection between emotional abuse and not feeling safe and therefore not being resilient emotional abuse imagine the look of the face the look on your face of disappointment in your child's behavior that's emotional abuse reverser see once upon a time one look we have one look of my father we shaped up we shaped up he just gave us one threatening look and that was it one disappointed look from my mother we all scampered to wash the dishes and realize we were wrong in this world that look of disappointment confirms the deaths of many Shamas that I am a useless person and it is therefore abusive and it undermines feeling saving a child has a right to come home just smiling parents the child should never ever walk into a home without being greeted by a smile and if you're too busy cooking or too busy on the computer you turn to your child first give them a smile apologize apologize tell them I'll be right when you Shayla in one second I just need to finish this hair stand right here wait one moment do you understand if it's emotional abuse or by sight to deprive once upon a time the deprivation of love from a child depriving a with love motivated them to want to get that love back and it would motivate their behavior today it motivates a little boy to go and find a little girlfriend it doesn't motivate them at all in a positive way it undermines their attachments you know mind undermines their ability to feel safe to feel protected they need our love and our kindness that doesn't mean being weak and giving in on everything I can say to my child Shayla I am so sorry it's bedtime I really will sad to you I do but it doesn't change the fact is bit and they say yeah but I wanna really like this and I didn't member number and you say yes I know I really know you want another drink you just to play the leg a little longer to do this and just finish that I get it panic oh so sad is a bit but it is better as opposed to what most of us grew up with to a patch that solves bedtime this world they need help the attachments for those healthy attachments can only come in a way that we make them feel safe it's emotional abuse to do that it's emotional abuse to ask to constantly be looking sad around our kids it's actually emotional abuse to be saying to hell em and crying your head off sadly about your child every Friday standing there weeping away where you have to light early so you can redo your makeup because you know exactly what's gonna happen and you do that with your kids knowledge is emotional abuse then the psychological abuse that's even worse okay you think you're ever gonna make a good father the way you bag you think you're gonna be a good mother let me tell you a few things you need a really shitty pump you're never gonna make a good mother the way you are no one's ever gonna marry you like this number one is kefir it's actually not true unless you're a parent because God's in charge of look she may not marry the person your ego needs her to marry that may be true but chances I shall get married so it's a lie it's psychological abuse add rubber you will get married one day commits a shame someone somewhere is gonna see the beauty in you even if you're going through a hard time now that many people can't I absolutely guarantee you one day someone will look in your eyes and they will see your inner beauty and they're gonna want you don't worry about it and everything other than that is psychological abuse it's psychological abuse to tell a kid you're never gonna count to anything like I mean let's place an issue shape up you're never never gonna be and there be success are you gonna make partner so how you gonna do anything you're just a loser like come on you're gonna live better with a that's gonna make you successful the psychological abuse you're meant to say you can lie in bed as long as you want one day you're gonna get out of bed turn on your engines and be successful I know you you're an amazing human being inside and you haven't Cooper to go through this hard field and one day you get through that Cooper and you will be amazingly successful meanwhile shocked good shape all these vines undermine take from us the ability to make our children feel safe that's just one of the four components they deprived them from safety and safety deprives them from attachments any one of them undermines help me attachment and healthy attachments takes from a child the ability to be resilient in which case they were setting them up to fail that's safe secure child is entitled to feel secure security means they have knowledge and awareness the life has a certain expected hum shaaka life is gonna happen in a certain way I feel secure that the Shabbos table is a secure place to be where I'm not going to be humiliated because I didn't learn my Pasha sheet I'm not gonna be embarrassed because someone asked me to set my tire and I'm no huge pattern is this week I feel secure that my parents are not picking on each other sniping at each other biting each other I feel secure my parents are married and they married they stay married and they care for each other I feel secure in the knowledge that despite the fact as a child in crisis that I Drive my parents were sugar which I know I do despite that I could rely on my parents to be maziq each other to love each other to help each other and I feel secure and to secure in this environment I feel secure that when you go to camp campus gonna happen there's not going to be long rushes of pain about no one's gonna take you Oh cam can't even apply to anyway we can't afford it I feel secure knowing that if I need extra tutoring the mentors and who knows what else at a guitar I feel secure the knowledge that my parents will do anything to get me what I need they do not look at me as a burden or as an obligation but as a gift to their life I feel secure the Miami gift to them I could secure their relationship I feel secure in the way they deal with me and my siblings I feel secure that the environment is a loving and warm one that my parents create that environment for us I feel secure walking in the house security is a crucial aspect of having good attachments I feel secure that my parents will not go through my belongings and then find something which they have no clue how to handle and freak out because they shouldn't have found it in the first place because they've no clue what to do with the information so don't find it if you don't know what to do with it I feel secure that my parents have faith in me that this is a to Kufa but when I get to being 30 I'm not gonna have three earrings dangling and two bars here and half a cup here and a mohawk green over there that my parents I'm securing the knowledge that we all know I'm gonna get through this while the idiots don't they come I mean how many 30 girls you see walking around like 15 year olds and Barbara right with all those earrings in the Mohawk it goes what I say goes they need your security in yourself then this will all pass given time and given love from given carry it creates security in them and the confidence that there's a future and security contributes to good attachments a good attachments contributes to resilience we're getting it great they feel need to feel secure the tuition will be paid they need to be secure that you will find I don't care how many sheep as you get thrown out over there they need that security that we don't give up on our kids we act we do and when they feel secure I have good attachments we never detachment they're resilient how kids need to be seen safe secure seen they need to be seen that means every single child we have to realize is unique you know we're so foolish we're so out to lunch we have these kids and we actually think you know they're going to be in image we think that little boy is the next risk arrival the next rapper and then we add a little gully Sarge NER we got her - Abba we was ahead we live in Holland these neshama has come back and they need to be seen for who they are fun night Luna LP dark are you know every good Russia someone has to say this very loud as if it means something no one has a clue how to do it no one even knows what Darko is no two parents agree on the Darko exactly and their children so exactly how are you doing mr. Yosh others table with eight kids and yet somehow if you sent loud enough and in Russia and you say it with a heavy Yiddish accent it means something but there's some Emerson listen to the MS label not be dark I mean we have to pull out we have the help emerges the difference between being a Madonna and the Mohammed a Mohammed in stores a Mohammed puts information into his murder law med he puts information into a child that the child didn't have uses skills to get the information into the brain of the child a muhammad canim is like a locust abayas her lucas of bias is where you proclaim the potential of this fool to do hasit to bring up a family to do simple cos it's a proclamation of potential is a Helou curse of bias inner is about looking at the potential extracting from a child and then showing that child this shaf Allah is your potential this is who's who you are nothing doing me it's about you that's honey Lennar Pete that coin you can only be out that code and if you do I'll beat that code properly then a child grows up with healthy attachments and they become resilient and then they can do ma Houmas awesome but a la mode the same Bob Vasilisa sure and I love my his world he finds his place in this complicated world Hashem gave us because we made a child feel seen there not just the kids let's get the kids in the car let's get the kids at the MA let's get the kids let's go let's get the kids let's just get the kid we're the kids kids it's like one block called the kids let's get the kids kids okay another such thing is ridiculous you bent your kids Friday night starting with the most struggling to the least and you give them you whisper in their ear something unique and special about their potential about your greatness if your child does something unique and special you reflect it back to them you show them who they are you help them see themselves you help them see their uniqueness they have to be seen they have to recognize that you recognize their God's given uniqueness and everyone is different no one's the same there is no two people the same on earth we all have different potential and it's all God's given and it's all confounding and you know is that job of bringing is a source B might see the potential and showing it to them and we have to exploit every opportunity to see their strengths see what's special about them show them that godless show them their greatness show them their uniqueness just show it to them don't make it to lucid Russia and therefore you need to be in you should dress right because just show them what's special celebrate the unique special nature of your child help them feel seen by them see their struggles see their pain don't tell them to get over it how long is this gonna last I see you and I see your pain that I can be with your end I can be with you I can do I see it and I accept it we can make our children feel seen and saved we can make them secure so that we develop their attachments with us develop good attachments resilience we help them be resilient and then they go through life that I Sheng gave us the older mutts lost growing from all those struggles and the last one is soothed safe secure seen and soothed child gets bullied at school they have a right and expectation for their parent to hold them and soothe them they form up a little tricycle when they're a kid they do not deserve to be yelled at who left the tricycle out why do you write it who let her write I don't get it what are you crazy you scoop them up and you soothe them and when they first work out there the way you stop a bike bicycle is by driving into a wall before they realize there are grapes you don't yell at them about the broken will you soothe them and gently teach them about breaks honey this bridge they work you soothe them through their life struggles you soothe them when they're in pain even if you're convinced they caused that pain to themselves this unto yourself you see the way you dress yeah boy took advantage of you because of the way you dress that's what goes let's blame the victim they have to be soothed a testament of what they went through and they will go through their traumas and crises and problems and struggles and issues and difficulties they will have the occasional too strong too principled muhammad who makes them feel like to sense or teacher just throws them out too often they'll have friends in the neighborhood who hurt them things will happen to our children and it's so easy for us to jump up and just blame them well if you hadn't done this and that would have happened you brought this on yourself didn't I tell you how many times I tell you so you got thrown out of school what do you expect you wore those shoes didn't we say you shouldn't wear those shoes first you have to sue them they have to be fully aware that the first thing we do is apparent as we soothe their pain you know what happens when you soothe that name anyone done a course on active listening yeah you know exactly what happens the moment you do it you do it and they look at you and say I feel so stupid I shouldn't have worn those shoes I'm such an idiot and you never have to say anything you just sue them just hold them you say yeah I feel terrible feel i have must have been so hard to and you really wanted to wear those should yes but I was such an idiot I should've won those to which they need your soothing and guess what happens when you soon properly in all their marriages however they've all those cruel rotten horrible things that you have the attire to say to them to make them feel it was all their responsibility and they brought all this on themselves when you soothe them properly and when they're brought up an environment of safe secure scene and then soothe they tell it to you they can take responsibility and we don't have to sit at pulling out our hair if you've got any left they don't have to worry about that because they own it because they're safe to own their stuff because they're attached to you you attached them they feel connected they're not afraid of rejection so then and only then they could own their star the will go crazy why can't they just admit it was her fault and she did this and he initiated that can they admit they did it they did it I don't get it but why is it always about me why can't it be about them they did it I didn't do it we have this such this huge it's our just don't waste it into them but when you do see secured seen and soothed you've created attachments that creates resilience and they are meant and they start crying and they can look at you a sector like such an idiot dirty feel like such a fool mommy I shouldn't have done this you've told me not to remember I remember and I need help I need to get to a therapist I got to do something as opposed time ago Jen stupid therapist money you need a therapist you need right there I don't if a therapist can you crazy people are crazy but when you do safe secure ceiling food and you create those healthy attachments they turn to you as Sigma we talk I need help i need help something's wrong with me I don't know what it is your sides are shaky you look fantastic to me you look amazing I mean at first of all just the fact that you could be aware and be insightful enough to say what you just said it makes you unique you're so special it's so incredible I'm not sure you need a therapist they said no no I really do I'm telling you I need it no I know I don't know I don't know really a pencil say yeah please please can I go sir I'm fine let me see if I can find a good therapist again as opposed to what most of us is doing dragging her with her heels making two grooves in the ground as we dragging her through and that's going to be a real productive session the buy-side it's safe secure scene and so the underpinning of the Sookie I told if there's anything I can share with you but I think is helpful for all our kids this is not just about the kids about the struggling Georgia this is all of them this is the this is the recovery this is survival of survival this is the recovery acting from the Holocaust this is God's mission this is why he put us here this is why he gave us these new shots and I believe again I can't prove this but I think I'll be sparring I should comment if we were able together to create in these kids a sense of attachment to us the safe secure scene ensued the ability to be resilient to cope with life's struggles under other to grow from life strokes to rise up on the back of life's struggles to see them as opportunities not as interferences to see this whole world as the home gym where you know the more resistance the better you don't groan no pain no getting where they see all of our life is this magnificent spiritual home gym where I'm gonna have all this resistance trying to knock me off but I'm going to exploit the resistance that I wish to puts in this world to make me spiritually stronger if we have the sources parents to do that if we can harness our own tightness our own love our own supply lose our own patience if we can harness ourselves to bring this to our children we have created the metaphor that I Shem gave us children for that they could then transfer those good attachments to replenish your mind this is our town this is parents this is why a Shem gave us children and we meant to create it we're given the gift of this work so maybe stop them we should all have us listen we should have find the love in ourselves we should definitely find the pain and the wisdom we should work on ourselves first so we have the Kite Festival TIA tangents to our children and by doing so I hope and pray we will bring them all to a cottage boho and alter their own lives [Applause]