R Shimon Gruen Recognizing Fragility in Your Home Before it Breaks

so my life from everyone some like how many more but nice to be talking to you again so just to recap a little bit on Friday Friday morning what I was gonna wait to you but before this year just kidding okay yeah Friday morning we spoke the class was titled the why behind what works now what works we just spent all Shabbos hearing what works most you already know what works before you came he didn't have to come here and hear about what works and bookish and what works works and I stated success stories it's so inspiring and so moving and I'm self and everyone should have their own success story and be able to tell it in public yeah we need at least another such table so I won't come back and say the success story but after that maybe you won't be necessary anymore mr. sham so what works works and we spoke about why it works and the reason why it works we explain we're talking about it more now again just to recap in short we explained that when a child is struggling like like we know how children struggle unfortunately it's obviously because of everything a child has been through as well as the nature of the child personality which was something fragile and something sensitive like a pillar which was the reason why different things affected a child in a certain way and because of that personalities is an emotional language that needs to be spoken and that is what works so going forward when you have a question when you're in doubt how do I do it now you always try to think of what's more emotional less logical and that's probably what's gonna get through that's gonna be the there's little color that works in the most challenging situations so I won't talk about now is something similar all right there's along the same lines but it's about understanding fragility it's about understanding sensitivity before you see a broken glass oh you're talking about Friday was more about broken glass you see a broken piece of glass and sometimes you don't realize that it to last you think that is just my circumstance at this one this thing broke and not something else and you realize that yet something so sensitive behind didn't really make sense why this happens but what about fragility and sensitivity before it breaks what about before something is really broke what about before something is that challenging that you're ready trying to get help about it right how do you how do you see it early around and how much could be avoided when I wish yourself there's Maya how much could be avoided all right talk about prevention but understanding that which is susceptible today people use a term at risk all right I think know what that risk means anymore what's at risk one's post risk and everything like that but when I was discussing to say they want to call you Wallace Dean said oh I think what you want to do is help people I didn't find that risk baby I said it's only a baby's born are you able to see our baby that it's at risk baby was at risk mean at risk is something that is at risk when you when you buy something a store and says on the fragile you don't say a fragile I I don't hear thing fragile your back you probably were looking for something that's actually fragile and it's a good thing each has to be aware and and if it wouldn't be labeled like that and you wouldn't know so that's that's what that's what's so important to understand now it would be nice if everything came in boxes like that all right come on a package you have a baby and by the time you go home II give you a birth certificates filled out and they write on the bottom fragile okay so you know that it's fragile well technically babies are fragile and we know that right oh you have to shake the baby shake shaking baby syndrome maybe you're like 10 papers take home like that just against you first say what is your ninth oh you know but they tell you not to shake a baby because it's fragile but as babies grow older and calm people they become less fragile and all sudden we take less care of them which is normal but something really after a talk and some of them remain fragile and some of them are gonna be out their whole life fragile which is fine something wrong with fragility fragility is beautiful the things in this room that are the most fragile are the most beautiful things in this room and I think this room the least fragile are probably what somebody should have thrown away before we came here tonight okay so it's so it's so important understand what that is and appreciate it what it is and take care of it for it is like I said children aren't gonna tell you this now as a matter of fact you nobody will tell you this not a child not an adult will tell you about themselves that they're fragile in any way just just we two weeks ago meteors comets at home so I wrote a bunch of helpers right hard to give out different jobs to everyone if you want to around the house so one got a little bag to put him to the bread and one got a little something to mark down how many pieces we have and one got a feather along at the spoon and one get the candle okay so the one with the feather then cute little boy can I know how to leave the corner mitten vague eat when our sofa even our sofa okay beautiful little sister jealous I said he needed when our level it's cute when children identify themselves and they tell you about what they are and what they're thinking is beautiful but very often they don't tell you that as a matter of fact there's a reason why they can tell you that and it's because they don't know about themselves it's so hard for a person to identify himself and understand yourself correctly so absolutely tell you you know my way of thinking and my way of feeling is like this anise anise anise what do you mean I feel like I feel like everyone else right how would I know not especially children there's no way they should know that you're not guessing what they're thinking they don't know that you weren't a child so recently and they don't know that you were a different kind of child and they were so it's very hard when it comes to identifying people correctly to understand what it really means and it would be beautiful if people could help us identify them and they do so I mean I mean let me tell you why it's so important understand this my night out I'm not gonna I'm not gonna start off by saying that I feel intimidated or that I'm competing against someone you could speak with over here which is simple can such a shabbos of information but what I will say is that being here this Shabbos we heard so much so much I've been by the shabu stove here and I saw it you're a nice child and I story a good joke some inspiration some you know it's nice there's always room for more is always room for more somebody said something nice something else nice and what a finish speech so how was it it was great what'd he say I don't know something so profound can you say something about it I think was about dinner and you see people pick up so little sometimes because this does not really there's not really a lot of substance this Shabbos right from Friday morning until now there was so much information I myself and going home with so much information and if I'd have more time now I'd be sitting upstairs with a pen and paper writing down so many pieces of advice so many people pieces of brilliance brilliant guidance that can I know how are people going on with and while I don't have any issue competing with anyone who what are the people that are a lot better and smarter and more capable than I am what I am competing over here with heads that are filled to capacity filter capacity I see people there that have been listening to so much in the last 24 hours that I wonder if this room for more so I have one of two choices I can either say something that will fit so aligned with everything you heard that it will just pack itself neatly into the cracks and you won't even notice that I added anything because it's basically going along whatever you heard like I say something so dramatically different and contradicting everything everyone said that everyone's gonna be mixed up but at least they'll hear what I said try it Oh what I can do I can do I try to do a third thing as I'm gonna try to do see the way I see it way I see it and you tell me if I'm wrong this is how I'm going home from the service a lot of information about what what we should be doing with children kinda hard enough succeed when I'm sure there's there's so much that we should be doing so much we should be doing and just as for an example what our keynote speaker said yesterday right we're looking to make children feel safe secure seen soothed big big menu it's a tall order tall order we're trying to give them all kind of healthy attachment regardless of how much we have right even a taller order trying to give to each and every one of them a huge order and we're the time you start taking it apart and realize that say making a child feel safe means safe physically emotionally psychologically spiritually it's actually if you go home with a truckload of information that will probably take you a very long time to implement and I hope it does because if it goes too quickly than you probably missing half of it on the way every time somebody asks you what they say well Chavez I think we're talking about a s maybe sabaton no I little little it was a song about this little and and you know you may be missing out because it's really a lot aside it's really a lot and it's good to remember that it's a lot being a lot it just goes to show what the responsibility is and what we're trying to attain and what the ultimate circumstance is what do we do tell them where do we start if my if my mission going home is to get my wife on board and she was near the sharpest even though I spoke to her and told her without it really matter when I heard this campus but if I tried getting her on board by the time we both feel that we attained that much skill and clarity to be able to implement everything that we were taught right I'm not sure you know I'm not sure what season is gonna be anymore and where my kid will be holding by then right you gotta go on in life so I think that what I'm gonna try to offer now is more of a short-term thing where do we start what do we start I want to make every one of my children feel safe secure seeing soothe every one of them I want to attach to all them LC I want to make sure they're all happy I want to make sure they're all doing what they should be doing I want to make sure they all feel loved and doing it the right way and for the right reason so much I'm trying to do who do I start it's important to know where to start and they say if you put the emphasis on the wrong syllable I know English if you putting in fascist on the wrong syllable then people are gonna understand you sometimes what happens is I'll tell you kind of harder Stephen Kenda knows a lot of children so we were told to spend time with the kids okay Mathi it goes I love her take a book to read with her and all the other ones are complaining that they said have to spend time with my children oh she's the easiest one spend time with tomorrow night I'll take the second one who's the second easiest and the third right if I don't prioritize I don't know who's who comes first who comes first who comes first when it comes to a bunch of kids can I never know like we heard there's not the kids it's not one one entity but there's a bunch of them and we have no way we start and what happens in the day when we talking about meltdowns right what happens in the day when I am stressed in my time is limited and I only have time to learn what one of my sons who do I choose who's most important then both Amalia Shauna wouldn't been when I want her right so we know that unfortunately I win situation where one of the children is really struggling really struggling so we know that yeah technically he takes up a lot more time than other ones that's just how it goes because he's the one in crisis he's the one who needs and it one understands that there's only one priority but that's not talking about now about about children that are struggling we addressed it Friday he heard about the whole Shabbos know when we're talking about our Steven kinder trying hard a bunch of children like I said before the children aren't coming with labels I need the most attention I'm the most miserable I'm the one that's struggling inside they don't come with that right it's a story about a goblin the shield he was trying to get people at leas that they want you know it was when I was a cop over here knows that you want to make sure you give the right person what he needs and you don't want to mess up there's one guy said he that's not a problem whenever when he called him to leave the first time regardless of where they were holding by the raining somebody's name yeah my demanded of she she okay so whenever you call the maquas on door she she got a she she every week you know some kids will tell you I need a lot of attention I need she she but some kids won't tell to you that's right so important able to figure out intuitively parents on their own we don't have to invest most not because you're taking away houses from someone else but who needs it most who needed quickest who needs it who needs it the most important do it out it right now so that's something that that I want to talk about and especially when it comes to children when it comes to your spouse and comes to adults and I'd mentioned I was giving a workshop on career and and business relationship you talk about adults you tell someone you know if you need attention if you need independence if you need if you need recognition at your work say it ta both he may not know what about you you could tell that to an adult you can tell it to a kid not only doesn't know how to articulate what he needs he doesn't even know what he needs it's so natural subconscious team that he has no idea what he how could he go tell you what he needs and that's what you have to be the mind reader and figure it out so it's not so easy but let's try to make it a little easier let's try to make it a little easier so using the same model that I used Friday and even though then I was talking about broken glass but let's not start again for those that weren't then for those that want to review some here's some people they read it to me a few times it's okay I heard it for myself even more times the days that I could be saying the same thing seven times the new people that are coming to me and and I try to I try to put in whatever I can so that it comes out clear we know that people are different one from another we know that people think differently and do differently and when you have a few kids if you if you if you're looking into it you trying to understand it right sometimes the women may be a little a little better at that when it comes to little little children understand the difference I mean my shred when you bring him a baby bring him back when they talk bring him back in there sometimes the men don't realize with little kids which one cries longer which one is the more battle which one needs to be held more you let me realize you know until the option you don't even notice but the women notice right was a baby's born big differences there's a baby that's chronic more there's a baby that needs to be held more than maybe that could go to sleep on its own maybe that wakes up every hour or two or every minute or two something about it it's not this differences between children and account its inherent it's how they're born anything that will affect the child anything affect the person all his life will always be on top of who he is based on who he is that's how it will affect him right we were talking about understanding difference between siblings I'm saying difference between why you see a child that's struggling so of course there's explanations as to what he's lacking what does he lack and he's lacking attachment that's true he is why am why is it that the father was able to give one child when he wasn't able to give another child it still needs explanation and and this is this is where it becomes so clear when you start understanding a little more about a child and everything I'm talking about children is relevant about adults if we still get there to talk a little about adults we'll do that too and if not you don't have to connect the dots in your own right adults are children who didn't die as children they turned into adults it's the same thing literally so the model that I use and I know there's a lot of different ways of assessing personalities but the the common denominator and the clarity that I want to lead to is something that you only see if using this model that I'm gonna offer it's a four type model it's as old as the hills Greek philosophy speaks about the the you know the different Flaman and goal and different coils that are in a person and this is from the cadmium laughter this is not coming from the Greek ship for this often there's an acronym in a forum is amorous Cora or divine moody Eroica everybody has different components in them that are influencing their nefesh and again we spoke about what's in a fish what's in a fish we know that in the genre is national condition that can be blemished can be never gone we heard about that before something from that rescue psycho it's something very special that we don't know what it is there's a gif is the physical part of every person that's the same everyone basically the same everyone he did romantic or doctor he looks it up and you were all the same there's an a fish and that's what's making a person tick it's his mindset this is emotional and psychological part of him it's what's making more person think and perceive and behave and react differently than someone else what's influencing somebody to do something one way as opposed to another way so these these four components in a person this is what this one called knowledge soidiers everything in the world is made up it's combined from the obvious ideas eyes my memory so far right the ear the water and the fire and earth this is everything everything we see even in the material world is made up of these four components these are four elements that are the basis of everything and all about the combination how much of one and how much of the other is mixing it all together it's the same four ingredients that can make so many different combinations and will look so different the outcome but it's all really the same thing we saw the tray of colors over there all right what's funny to see everyone was able to find theirs yeah how it looks different it may have the same stuff but everything looks different depends how much you put in and what you do with it so to put it short everybody hasn't done these four components what are they let's let's just spell it out as components not yet there's anything down when it's not is anything more rather than but one person and the other just as components is what I call the yellow component that you saw earlier here right what is that ear in a person what does it do to a person everybody hasn't them that part of ear in them that balloon that smiley face that's when I called the yellow and the smiley face of sunshine that's the happy and friendly part of a person well let's zoom into that happy and friendly that's it friendly is the social part where we connect easily with other people right interact well and communicate well and and enjoy it and then there's the happy I'm happy parts you see people that are just happy everyone is happy everyone likes it being app every wants to be happy everyone's enjoying a joke if was enjoying you know something funny why because we don't have that in ourselves we all have something in us that that that is attracted something happy and enjoyable okay some of us have more of that some of that but there's something about it that's that's eerie and easy English mark we all have a second component that's what I call the blue component which is the mine the water of part of us that's the easygoing and flexible and kind-hearted part of a person everyone here looks very kind and everybody here could do a favor for someone everybody here could go along with what someone else is asking to some degree everybody here could could tolerate to some degree that the easygoing this is coming from a component and a person that's giving him that quickness that Tennyson a fish that's something that's allowing him to go along to be easy about something I'll review it again in a minute let me just go on there's the red part of a person the red part of a person that is the ice fighter brilliant that I shouldn't person was the red that's energetic that's giving him the the heat that's getting them the koi and the energy to make things happen to move forward to be aggressive to want to want to accomplish and and and bleed they're something moving forward about a person and that's coming from a strong energy and we know every one of us when when we need to at least some even when we don't need to could leave to step up to the plate could make things happen could accomplish what's that coming from it's a part of a person that's moving forward and making things happen change that's the fire in the person that wants to accomplish and achieve and go on move on there's a fourth component and a person that's the earth over which is what I call ultraviolet which is a color ultraviolet okay to abbreviate I call it the UV I'll talk more about the color today which I didn't get to if I don't you remind me the the UV part of a person right that is the sensitivity and the emotional part of a person there's a certain sensitivity in every person everybody reacts in a sensitive way at some time in some way everybody can be offended everybody can be hurt everybody could could feel that something's too difficult to tolerate everybody could feel disturbed or something there's a certain part of us that doesn't like when things aren't emotionally comfortable let's start with emotionally emotionally comfortable there's a part of us that wants that things should be easy and comfortable and the way we warmed which is normal the fact that somebody's getting disturbed or or hurt or offended or another word I'm looking for we're just simply uncomfortable about something coming from a certain a certain part of him that's sensitive to that uncomfortable feeling and it's not tolerating it so while his let's just move back a little while his yellow component may not even notice that which is uncomfortable because I'm happy go-lucky who cares but his other component right it's another part of him that is reacting to that okay that's what we made up let's just do it again one more time like I said this is this is your starting a good morning understands our coalition medicine tradition this is the way you spell it out that gives the clarity but you could find this a neighbor shouldn't was put together by these but these components again this day yeah mine I should offer the yellow happy-go-lucky enjoyable friendly and social component me and that's the part of a person living in the present living the present what makes a person so easy what makes a person so happy enjoyable what is it that you know and you could just sit down and enjoy a conversation and both people are laughing without looking at the clock what is it doesn't mean that they both paid up the mortgage this month doesn't mean they both put up put away enough money to marry off the kids doesn't mean that they both have the picture-perfect family is the way you would assume seems to people enjoying themselves or could it be that they're living in the present somebody is living in the present and enjoying himself right and I thinking about what the landlord just texted a few minutes ago and not thinking about a deadline or something that he's supposed to be rushing to so of course he's enjoying life living in the present right sometimes we need more of that but living in the present is what makes a person enjoy himself and connect easily it's not so easy for me to connect with you if you may have once hurt me or if I'm not sure what you're gonna say in a few minutes or if I have other things on my mind only thing the president I'm sitting near you so what could be better let's strike up a conversation okay so somebody has a lot of that yellow component that's what's giving him that that style of doing things that's what's bringing him to be living in the present and enjoy himself and smiley and talking and conversing and the Shabbos I've sat near a few such people who without even knowing who I am or without even asking my name started saying things I'm talking and communicating and very enjoyable okay that's what's coming from prisons yellow component which is which is the one more time friendly happy and living in the present let's let's zoom it up in that now really it's much more to it I'll elaborate more soon but like zooming in first because what happens is when people try to elaborate too much they put in too many different characteristics in it that they assume are really part of the actual nature that when you zoom in you get the the best picture of what it really is okay you have the blue component again which is the easy soft gentle tolerant flexible part of a person we said right that's that's making things go slow-paced and easy right something about not rushing and not and not getting places something something calm very calm and gentle part of a person the calm and gentle part of a person's actually somewhat tied to the past there's a reason why when someone does something slow-paced it's usually because he's thinking it through and he's either learning from experience or he's afraid what what the next step will be he's he's attracted to the past he's not sitting in the past he's not harping on the past but he's attracted to the past he's his mindset and he's learning from the past there's a third part of a person we said which is the red the energetic go-getting part of a person right that's the strong part of a person let's call it confident part of a person that wants to make things happen accomplished it's not enough force now let's listen let's use let's use the energy and move on push forward and this is the part of a person that's attracted towards the future right so that part of a person that wants to make things happen is because he has a picture what the future should be and where he wants to get and I dream and he's pushing toward that there's the UV component which we said is the fourth component what's called the fragile sensitive part of a person the emotional part of a person and that's what's causing a lot of sensitivity so anything the person is reacting to in a sensitive way an emotional way right that's coming from a UV component which is causing him to get emotional about something that other parts of him maybe would have let pass or the Pottsville wouldn't care right but something about them that's getting stuck there and it's his feelings it's amazing what feelings are sometimes you don't even realize you ask a person how are you angry you're angry how are you to be able to differentiate right we heard a little about it also actually about suffering and depression to be able to understand what what emotions really are is it a discussion of its own and so much of healing only starts when you realize the difference between what you're experiencing and what you feel but what happens is when somebody's feeling something very strong it becomes part of him he assumes it's part of him he gets taken over by the emotions are very intense emotions are very strong if everything is in this world would be logical right if everything would be on a logical level if we all be understanding things and comprehending things simply with logic then we feel the simple to get along right I think about it I would explain to you how I see it you'd expect me how you see it and whichever makes more sense we'd go along with so aside from the fact that it's true that we think differently I understand things differently to some degree but is the emotions that are kicking in the emotions that are making things so different as the emotions that are influencing how we feel how we think and how we perceive and that's really what's what's what's such a big factor and what a person's thinking I was waiting for the questions I was hoping nobody would ask okay we'll talk about that okay I guess you have to be a engineer to realize that if we spoke about the present the past in the future then you get stuck ok the ladies are being polite to any of them okay so let's just leave a picture when we talk to my children let's talk about children talking about struggling children not talking Australian children talking about children children okay olive let's knock it out of Canada okay get out of Canada young children somewhat the same right and I have my mom didn't come to my classes and they learn about Nursery kids and you could see on little children what they're all about I could see them a lot younger children and they're simply because I'm so into this and when I have a baby it doesn't take more than a few weeks on a baby there's one baby that's that's that's more sensitive one baby that's more happy baby it's more calm more energetic you see that and what it boils down to is what this woman called amazing talk a little more about the difference is amazing but music needs a combination everything is made of a comment you see a cookie it's amazing there's sugar in there there's flour in there this there's eggs in there it's all combination what makes one cookie harder than the other it's not because it's made a different stuff it's how much of each thing is in there so what's that what's dominating is the flour the most and that's why it's heavier or there's less flour and more sugar or whatever it is or just potato starch yeah so whatever is in there that's what you that's what that's what your subtotal is gonna be so an official go down the way this will talk about it everybody has a dominant nature everybody's being influenced by the dominant nature most everybody hasn't them one component of this for that is dominant by them in some people it's boil it it's so noticeable it screams itself out and you look at me say whoa look at that look at that yellow guy you know just one big one big smile one big one big conversation and sometimes you see a guy and you say you know it's interesting I don't get I mean it just fine the point is not to get everyone but the point is to understand it when it's relevant everybody has in them a dominant nature everybody hasn't one part one component with them and now when I say down I'm talking about talking about 40% as opposed to 10 not only does dominant dominant a nature is a style of a person he's mostly following his dominant nature now it is for sure being influenced by a secondary and third there's a difference between this yellow kid and that yellow kid because this one's a yellow blue so a little calmer you know as friendly and social as he is but you see that gentle part of him and this was the yellow red much more go getting and laughing and voices and looking to have fun and making things happen in a fun way because that's what he's running after so you see the differences but let's just discuss what it looks like in children young children even and when I say it the elephant looks like five six-year-olds when they when they start expressing themselves better and you'd have to be such a detective to figure it out right you have a yellow child for example he's the one that's always smiling comes home from school or from Kaiser and right away sharing what he went through and what is ready said and what his teacher and the good joke that someone made and a new friend that he made and this is every day another friend and someone else invited into his house and he was playing and sharing there's something just just happy and bubbly about a child easy living the present happy-go-lucky right and when something breaks and the child does cry no more yellow children cry and and then they stop crying they get out of it the living in the present they're not gonna get stuck on something happen yesterday they won't come looking for the toy that lost yesterday they forgot about it I'll never forget when I was trying to keep my yellow daughter busy and I figure you know yellow all over the place running and coming with friends on with things and oh look I'll sit her down this is before him sort of thing or two and I went and bought for $50 well there is no stickers with these bitty little pieces and I figured this was like a thousand pieces I'm gonna keep her here for good maybe she'll even forget to come eat you know I flew this little thing if the pushin the pieces exact wonderful idea rights worth $50 yeah well it wasn't because she sat down with it and she was so thankful Oh daddy you know I love it thank you so much and she sat down if you miss ladee running around say hey what happened do you think yeah I'm gonna get back to it I'm gonna get back to this yeah that's that's when you start realizing that the yellow child is not gonna sit there with these nitty gritty pieces that kid wants to play and fun and whatever but what do you do with the pieces yeah I'm gonna clean them in a second and that was it so on the one hand you can get now you can get you can get nervous that's a chicken you know come on what was your responsibility well are you looking maybe a little less responsible than other kids maybe a little more I'm telling on the shirt what they ate that day maybe a little a little sloppier or a lot sloppier everything depending on what the child is all about but this is this is what the yellow is about that's like who cares but you're dirty it's fine but I don't have time to wash out uniform you don't have to I mean yeah I can be embarrassed to go let's call you that no it's fine something about living in the present enjoying life that makes it very easy the people that make things very easy now people that you could say maybe get up and say a few words oh sure what do you say I don't know what is that that's called living in the present and not caring much about your image of someone say about you and the joke you made if it was good or now said something and the next guy sitting next to me saying and now it's your turn oh why not he did it's not a question why he that he did because that's what he is I knew that you can't could you can't so the yellow child writes about the six-year-old happy-go-lucky smiley face cute lovable friendly beautiful well unless you can handle that nature that's a discussion of its own enough parents can handle that but but something cute about it child gets even older more friends child gets older wants to play more wants to go to different friends one eyed by this morning buy that one and and and and and didn't with life in a very yellow way and you'll see people that are unfortunately struggling and suffering and suffering right we're a lot shy was about people suffering a lot of suffering going on unfortunately you shouldn't know from it we shall get out of it and the people that deal with suffering in a yellow way and you've always save us mark one oh gosh I'm okay with oh no I still there's a problem going on you don't the person that's talking it because as the yellow the eerie person is living in the present and open the air and not grounded in anything specific and not just making things easy and just just as a of the record we said everything here is over the record from experience I know that some clients who come to me even though it would be nice to sit with yellows and you know harsh moves sometimes yellows come to least for help interestingly because even if yellow was suffering at home by the time they leave that I wasn't by the time they get to the coverage table to free he's fine and all of a sudden two months later he's calling me I have a problem I said what happened the old problem no that never got taken care of but now it's a crisis I said okay so come over I don't really have so much time but come over you'll be at one o'clock or Mama's only have 15 minutes for you yeah okay look oh it's not one o'clock anymore just hear me out a little bit I'll be back tomorrow to finish off he's now Daniel or someone's living in the present it's a style it's a certain way of dealing with things that's what I call the rubber person like the rubber ball bouncing around different places adapting easily on the one hand maybe maybe I'm doing things a little irresponsibly on the other hand it's a nature of a person right if I elaborate but each one this long I'm probably not getting what I want to talk about Michael talk about a lot longer and and just as one example somebody called me last week about Ibaka he comes late in this year and as many times as we told me to come on time he said oh come on time and Lamar see then he comes in and also he's asked some questions in the shear and he missed the first half and oh my god she's getting nervous okay so I won't ask I kind of want and he's so easy about things on the other hand he like so unreliable and not timely and things like that maybe we should give medication maybe we've know something John sometimes you just hear about a little more extreme yellow but this is this is what the yellow boy is about not saying that 25 percent of the kids in the class are behaving this way right going on and a person is a lot and that a person's been through the influencing on a certain way but this is what I call the other nature let's move on you have a dominant blue kid and that's the soft easygoing child that's the one who the rebel you will really have an issue with the teacher will really have to call her name we really have to make a phone call all about and every teacher knows that the quarter of the class approximately everything is approximate not in families but in classrooms families there are there are nature's and personalities running and families to a certain degree but in the classroom approximately 25 percent are kids that are playing easy kids the teacher will say okay today we're changing places changing seeds and all those that are gonna complain that those that will easy is the quickest to say okay no problem and then the teacher may even see the kid can't even see the board but it's not saying anything because he's going along he's just simply easy he's easy to please he's easy he's flexible he's been double he's going along with what's being asked of him he's asked to run an errand he does it he doesn't complain things aren't too difficult now again everyone could complain nobody's made out of just one thing every child is a child everyone that remains immature and everyone has it but but there are those that are easier we know what that means they need less attention they don't need a lead to follow they don't want to lead they don't need a spotlight though they want to please kind-hearted easy to share snack and things like that sometimes actually feeling very compassionate and having a feeling for someone else etc and it's not only with kids we said this is what adults as well see the one that's that you see someone who gives away his chair he goes and gets another chair just a simple act of kindness and since didn't II have it having in mind that someone else should be happy and in a very gentle way in a very pleasant and easygoing way just to throw in just not a few points that are coming to mind I'm not reading off a paper the blue will very often um find himself guilty of certain problems going on around him to accept on himself blame and think that he's maybe the problem instead of pointing at someone else was actually maybe more to blame because that's how he is low-key just take it easy maybe I'm not the greatest or the best and may be dealing with a little less confidence etc there's a little small children the red child the marker the one that's going in a healthy way most often in a healthy way the one that's arranging the group to go around collecting peter the one that's arranging a party the one that's having my things should happen the one that's leading and confident and answering a question when he's asked and sticking up for himself in a healthy way a lot of confidence and strength and moving forward we spoke about red useful but moving forward while the blue for example will be doing the same thing day after day and being okay with it the resident wanna make things happen right you see you guy in business the different styles that people do business you see people doing business in the way that they're doing the same job for years working for someone okay with it and then the guy who every time you meet him what are you doing now oh so I did I added another few things to my business he's pushing it forward it's a style it's an aggressive way of doing things so we said that the yellow was the rubber right the blue you know if that was a plastic plastic so easy bendable light some degree and the red we said was the wood this is the strong one that one the supportive and usually supportive to others and being able to accept on himself handle stress and deal with a lot that's going on at once right so they can handle a lot and deal with it well in most cases and it's even more children like I said crawling fast walking fast talking fast people have so many different styles of how they do things but while the blue will generally be talking a little slower and more thought through as he's talking putting more thought into it the red will be jumping ahead and I really think the next thing because he's moving forward in a quicker pace in today's cookie-cutter um today's cookie-cutter education system right everything was supposed to was supposed to everyone's supposed to be the same right it's not mom's like Saddam but sometimes it's similar and just only cuz I mention the word Saddam I won't I once said to some where the problem in Saddam wasn't that everyone had that I would had the same bed which cried the right time on the same bed that wasn't the problem I think it was hoping when that same bed as I because it wasn't fair guys and we're the same beds imagine coming to the reception table and they look at you oh let me see one second take out a measuring stick you need room them oh and second Betsy wife hmm it's not gonna work you can't have a separate bed it's a different size bed februar there's no education system the Kikaider and to every kid separately the questions what do you do when you get to your room upstairs and you see that you're a little longer than the bed so if you watch says ok you lay down I'm gonna fix it that's the problem the beds will have to be the same side we have know how to accommodate and let someone fit into it gently without giving him a push button today's cookie cutter system kids are supposed to learn the same pace understand the same fast understand the same deep it's impossible so they're not possible so what happens they start with statistics I'm getting a little off-topic here but they start with statistics which tell you um well survive the kids are doing you this way yeah that's the point it's only 75% maybe it says something maybe 25% of the kids are not either the word capable or even supposed to be doing what you're expecting to other 75 maybe they have to struggle to get what you want another kid you have to be understanding to that I'll never forget when my blue child and more than one of each bakashot a lot of hands-on experience at home so my blue child came up with a title that he's Mitchum's it with the evident he needs to review the every more the Kriya is I call him Wow - that's interesting anytime you sure you wrote to the right kid upside I hear him say telling me he doesn't most beautiful he's saying it's fine say yeah but you don't get it most kids at this time of year already saying 50 words a minute he'd only think 35 you know you don't think 35 so it's a problem I should I got I should realize that in my own right I said interesting just recently I was my etosha yeah but he only says 20 words a minute that depend the VA that something's over Snell was like so ridiculous what it's not possible so I was just mad I said the blue is usually talking a little slower than the red that's what it is it's fine I said if you don't mind I'm okay with this pace you know today he he got he got a little quicker he may not be as quick as I am but he's doing fine book show kids everyone could change you don't change you you don't change your nature nobody changes in nature no as much as we want as much as Heidi reminder shaft Woodman ever in La Habra sativa right picture I wrote about that but just as a DA he doesn't say who didn't I never s leshawna society or the Hipparchus ateva machinist a table means that a person has his Kyle on the types that gives him his way of doing things is to showing us on his courses and he has to work with the rules life and go against what's natural for him and overcome different obstacles that are in his way that may not necessarily be someone else's challenge discouraging if he wants to on the play why would you want to act like someone you're not if you don't want to be who you are we'll talk about you come over yeah that's a separate issue is not what we're discussing here I'll mention it but just answer the question first there's no reason for anyone to ever wanna be someone else as a matter of fact as parents there's no reason we should ever want any one of our children to be someone else ever no matter what situation child's in he's in his unique situation with his unique struggles with his unique caelum the dimes they gave him and his his point in life is to use his kind and overcome his issues the best way he could and for him to be like someone else we wouldn't he do right it's important to remember I will talk about in a minute more behavior could be modified a lot behavior can be modified but a natural instinct instinctive way of doing things what's natural for a person the way he's processing something the fact that he may not appreciate something or maybe not attracted something maybe like that all his life just fine he may be overcoming things that in doing things that even if it's not natural family if a father just as an example I don't again and I wanted to ask questions but everything will just take a little longer if if a parent for example right let's say easy yellow ok just getting thrown off the topic for a minute a father dominant yellow what would he want to do if it was up to him he would probably sleep a little later in the day even right he's not so motivated to get things moving when he does get up or go to shul drink his coffee I'll stay late after not winning with the kiddush and some friends and then find his way home and then maybe pick up if he notices a newspaper on the way and I don't make it sound too funny but I mean to say you know get quoted him but as a parent he has responsibilities now if he was this blue parent kind-hearted and easygoing and dealing with things very thought through that maybe would be a lot easier for him sometimes to deal with different situations in life over children and more responsibly that's court right does that absolve the other parents doing the same thing no but it may never be naturally easy for him so it's important to remember what life is about life is about using the kyln divers that gave you using it the right way which means that if you have this natural capability of connecting with people are making them happy do so and make sure that everything else in life is also being taken care of in a healthy way and we can only expect that ourselves also only a certain amount it's important to remember as much as we talk about how much to expect of children and what situations they're in there's only a certain amount you could expect of yourself doesn't mean you shouldn't push yourself further get the healthy expectations of yourself if not even yet middle and just breakdown very important let's move on yeah so we spoke about the yellow happy-go-lucky child the blue easygoing soft gentle child the red energetic go-getting child little stubborn but confident strong kid and the UV child so the UV child is the sensitive one right dominant UV means that a sensitive and emotional component is the strongest in him more than more than anything else what that means is that he's reacting to so many different things on an emotional level so when somebody takes away his thing instead of you know looking to see who it is or asking why did you take that from me right I get to my flask what happened he's reacting emotionally it didn't make sense what he just did I mean maybe maybe the person had a reason to do it maybe it was actually his maybe we made up that after 15 minutes he could take it but when the emotions are working there's just one example obviously he loses himself to emotional now if once when we talk about a child that sensitive emotional it's important to remember especially when talking about this child that there's different ways that sensitivity plays itself out many different ways very often and when I talk to people about children because they're dealing with one kind of sensitive child that's what's coming to mind that child so to one person I'm talking about a sensitive kids who's very emotional and reacting emotionally to things what's coming in his mind is that kid yeah very Charlotte very intimidated and if somebody says something he gets well anxious and the social anxiety is just getting worse with the years maybe a little OCD coming along right because that's what this parent is seeing in their UV child another parent is thinking about the other example I gave the child that oh you say one wrong thing to him and he gets all angry and he starts throwing things and breaking things to different children but they both really reacting to the same component it's amazing and the same is really with the yellow and the blue I'm just talk more here because here it's so distinct distinctly different you see one child who's sensitive and the sensitivity is bringing him to close down right I'll explain it more why and you have another child who the sensitivity is causing them to explode but it's both coming from the same thing now children there are more sensitive and more emotional and reacting emotionally to things around them so let's just put a little more into perspective we said that everybody has their dominant personality and a secondary in the third in the fourth right and that's what's influencing the people their puzzles differently so even though the dominant nature of two children could be the same it's the secondary amongst other things that are influencing children to do things differently let me let me stop here before I go on and then start comparing different children one to another just to give some clarity and bear with me and I hope that whoever once will be able to hear this again for clarity sake doesn't go in a minute but let's just try to break it down to make sure one's with me there's different there's different camera denominators alright there's different things that you can compare to children for example yellow on the blue dominant yellow and blue children that don't compare in certain things share characteristics almost look at the characteristics of the yellow and the blue you'll notice certain similarities certain similarities on some level that are different than the red and the UV other would you be able to distinguish between these two and these two and you can do this with all the different colors however way you're gonna try to divide it so let's do it quickly and I'm just trying to give a certain amount of clarity that will lead up to what I'm trying to get the yellow and the blue child for example right versus the red in the UV the yellow is the happy-go-lucky fun-loving one the blue is the gentle one they both let's call it easy though I'm not gonna call the most difficult but they're both easy easy right if the yellow child doesn't have what he wants that day when he needs it he'll move on if the blue child doesn't have what he wants the day when he needs it let's move on they may be doing it for different reasons but they have a certain similarity there's something about them that's similar as opposed to the red and the UV child for example right the red is more tough and strong and confident and knows what he wants and if he doesn't have what he wants he may get he may say well why not because we don't know you didn't forget I know you why didn't you get it for me he's not even trying to be difficult but he's he's sticking up for himself with confidence the UV child due to his emotionalism and his and his sensitive reaction got offended what do you mean you didn't buy it to me but you said you would you know being honest you don't like me personal emotional okay so there you see just one example I got I could elaborate on this you see how the other one the blue are reacting something a certain way in the red and you be another way let's do it a little differently the yellow were that happy-go-lucky one with the red right the energetic go-getter well it's arranging things making things happen what do they have in common that the blue and the UV don't have in common well both the both the yellow who's the friendly and outgoing one and the red who's the achiever and accomplisher about connecting with people around them it was they both living with others either to socialize or to make automotive ate but they're both connecting and both moving out were an extroverted right that's what's called English okay as opposed to the blue and the UV that are both more introverted what's more quieter both more in themselves why the blue because he's low-profile and maybe a little more shy right less confident and the UV because of his emotions that are blocking him maybe from going out and connecting okay just an example let's do one more time the blue and the red hopes not going too quickly the blue and the red you heard it three times already he's telling it's okay go faster okay the blue and the red versus the yellow and the UV okay the blue is the gentle child right the easy child and the red is the go-getter as opposed to the happy-go-lucky one and the emotional one is a little interesting over here but there's something I hope you know you're gonna understand this there's something about the blue and the red that's conventional going along mainstream the blue is not the one that's that doing things different from the crowd because of his willingness to please to go along right certain easiness that he has the red even though he's making things happen and sometimes even standing out with his accomplishments and and and moving and shaking and making things happen but he's doing it most often in a conventional way he's not he's not doing things out of the box he's making the things that are happening happen he's going along with the flow and moving it forward as opposed to the yellow happy-go-lucky living in the present he's doing things on his own he could be walking in somewhere and all of a sudden stop like everyone's just moving and he's like looking at something cuz he got stuck on something he could be standing out sometimes right he could be laughing very loud in class because something's funny now and he forgot himself where he is well right so he could be doing things differently let's call it he could be wearing his stand well the way it fell onto his head and that's fine for him right why why fix it right it's fine for him and a UV child due to his emotions could be doing things differently because he's being pulled emotionally in a way that's causing the dosing sometimes different others wanted to do I want to do things my way okay just a few examples just a few examples so let me just give a quick a quick one quick scenario that can happen in any classroom and in any home for that matter but in the classroom it's it's just more it's more interesting because the kids are the same age same revenue same setting right so you have kids for example sitting in a classroom and a rep you will notice that a kid's not following along in the Commish just one example and he says double-rocker eating is not on the place well this yellow boy doe is like oh the place he thought it's cute he looks promising every boy when I was laughing he wasn't a fan that he was insulted he puts it on the place ten seconds later he's daydreaming again living in the present he didn't he didn't take his rubber his rubber just bounced off he wasn't affected okay then next day same thing hey Boris with your fingers I'm gonna play same Ruby same tone nothing changed nothing changed it's not more intense it's not a different environment you can't blame it the different you can't blame delivery action anything other than the fact that Barajas blue and Boris you know whatever reason he was finger was in place actually a different kid was disturbing him but he won't say that he wants a rebel was him okay place the babies right puts you in a place and he follows along a whole day it doesn't happen again so fast at least okay the next day third kids hello how come he fingers not on the place okay so straightens up no sweat but sitting out of place 15 minutes no issue confident red boy he doesn't he doesn't bother him so much he doesn't care yeah no and then a few min later he's talking ranging this list for he's gonna do later and he's busy I don't think doing a few things at once and then there's a fourth boy right there because our shark attack machine is not in the place strong against time that's biting his lips and once already stinking they're being hates me why it's the fourth day everyone got the same thing but he's reacting emotionally his emotions his sensitivity got ticked on all right his antenna his alert his raid I went on I really was looking inside he he knew I was looking inside he picks on he always does that he goes home he tells his father tap do you know what happened today I'm gonna be embarrassed me from the whole class really why do you do that cuz he hates me you better call him so from the outside the father's looking at a situation and this is crazy talk on no rappy no experience what's going on in but when you look when you're observing it from the outside you see what's going on you see it's so simple this child the UV child which I didn't say before this is the glass child spoke about this yesterday fragile yeah and needs to be dealt with differently let me explain it a little more and is what I wanted to get though we're talking about distinction in comparison right how this personality even in this personality let's make another distinction and you can make a lot I can make a lot but I want to jump to one that's very important in what way is the yellow the blue and the red similar to each other and different than the you a child right let's let's compare this way what is it about them that is something common about them which is interesting because this one's a happy-go-lucky smiley kid this one's a gentle soul this one's the one that's arranging things I'm making what something about and then they have in common that's different than the UV child and that is that because let's start with the side because the UV child is so fragile so sensitive his emotions take him over his emotions his dominant component is the emotional component so what's the top of his list is emotional and they're bringing the kid again I said we're not talk about kids that are struggling with any kind of out-of-the-box situation that's unfortunate or always been through whatever breaks a glass we talk about a simple natural fragility right Oh magic very good what happens is even though a child gets insulted and let's move away from children just for a minute to remind us of the growth of little children everyone has the same child themselves never got a gun never got away from it somebody insults you and sin salting humiliating it hurts you if I if I was the middle of speaking now somebody gets up it says something embarrassing to me right I'm not gonna give away what I am but if I were a UV I might get thrown off track overtaken by emotion and maybe even leave the room you know I'm not here to fight with anyone you don't like what I just said I could be taken over and react emotionally it's not logical to do that if I would not give you what I might do is I might I might think to myself oh this is so embarrassing I hope nobody realizes that I'm Tony wait let me try to look at my notes and continue on why is it cuz it didn't hurt no I have enough enough sensitivity in me to be hurt and not immuned but it's not logical for me to walk away it's embarrassing it's look stupid so even if I'd wanna maybe or even if there's something logical like you said that's gonna be stronger than my emotion if my dominant component my dominant characteristic my dominant part of my puzzle is the emotional part then everything I will be doing will be flowing through the emotions everything I perceive everything I'm looking at everything I'm experiencing will be filtered through emotional so when I'm in a certain situation I'm in a certain relationship I'm in a certain environment I'm gonna certain anything the way I'm relating to that thing is emotionally is it feeling good it's feeling emotionally comfortable or not am I feeling emotionally comfortable what's going on around me or not if I am then I'm okay and if not then I'm disturbed by it it doesn't have to make sense as opposed to somebody who's a different personality right not talking about one in 10 one for every fourth person every fourth person so while the yellow the blue and the red each in their own way are reacting to things in their own style with their own color on a logical level right the UV is reacting to things and responding to situations in person and we perceive see an emotional level very big difference now when I say big difference it's not a huge difference in other words if you wouldn't know this and some of you may have not known this till now you wouldn't you wouldn't notice it in your own well we all know obviously that between the kids you know this one that's easier this wonder sounds right but but no big difference then the day but a Shabbos party we scream at them all yo you don't sit down you know get your potato chips same language to all them but the same language already worked what you're saying to one person he's hearing something very different what you think to another person it's like the dawn Eluga interesting what the rush she said it was the right types to mix up the languages you ever think about it what does it mean to make her point which is if you if you if I'd be talking English and you don't stand Spanish right then after two sentences you'd run away you wouldn't you wouldn't think I'm saying something different I'm saying you'd realize you don't the family that's not what happened my daughter flora what happens now she says monka asked for a brick and he gave him a hammer over his head why he should have said huh seemingly he understood something differently on the person meant that meant to say it isn't interesting when he said the word brick the guy heard hammer over my head so it was something about using the same language but being heard differently I was thrown an interesting story I recently was a famous visitor about a bear come let's receive in America apparently he came to raise funds for community Shiva he came to New York City usually was in different states in different talks and speeches it was fundraising he came to New York the mayor of New York then was Jimmy Walker Jimmy Walker made him a nice reception in City Hall and gave him a symbolic key to the city and I gave a lot of course so she never saw there's a going so Jimmy Walker's I decided to get up and give a speech in honor of the receiver and if she understand English but he was going on and on talking in praise of the recent on with this that came from Europe to inspire American jewelry and he was talking fluff and garnished right nothing to say really but there was a translator they ever dr. Gordon and he was a vulajin atonement and then he went to study in college a very learned person and he was translating so to speak the drew show that Jimmy Walker was saying but to spice it up a little sort of progression fall asleep when the guy's just a kite vasa it's a garnish he was throwing in Buda Castle and gomorrah's about how it's a big boo and South Aquila le haut de siiva daughter rotten its florets as the hair on he and he was going on and on and what bit was like eyes were popping out you know this mayor this Goya is saying a dilution and this doctors try repeating something so brilliant and profiles couldn't believe it are they me again dick she sits down laughter Gordon sat down near the receiver and there she was to be said I see the image so my motion game Asylum agnostic ahead I am here anyway there was his turn to say that the rationale for the for the mayor see you guys up and he starts saying you know he wants to thank you for having him here whatever I'd like to go in the same thing he got up and this professor now he's putting on a different hat of his he starts saying different philosophical terms and he's quoting the different literature and everything else it was like amazing Jimmy Walker calmness he thought he learns only Ramudu probably they saw me and he was quoting all the all the famous scholars and all the Glacial literature and when he sat down he said if I would have known what a great scholar I would have said a hold of a speech he sounds like the governor what do you think about it he see this in somebody doesn't finish one person saying so the other person here so he totally different without a doctor go in the middle so honey you tell a child something right you have a Rabb you telling a child why is the finger not on the place what are you here Ruby hates me I knew he hates me he never calls on me does he really never call on him no but that's what he thinks and he's hearing something very different know what's being said so while different while many children ain't about 75% of children may be hearing things in a more logical way you have those children that are hearing things emotionally now any Rebbe that ever came to my course and learned this knows it to be a fact that in the worst class I shouldn't say the worst but in a normal class right where there are kids making trouble and you have boys that are difficult how many kids are really the troublemakers everybody knows it's not 20 out of 30 it's it's seven at most or sometimes four it's always the same for you why is that there are children there there are emotional and sensitive and being taken over by something that's causing them to feel uneasy and it may not be all of them I'm not saying that all the children that are sensitive are feeling disturbed and anxious not at all because there are those of them that are comfortable fellows that I'm gonna feeling okay right not all the glass in this room is breaking now as a matter of fact nothing's breaking now for a reason any glass that's being taken care of in the right place and the window or on the channel day or whatever it is this was fine is the glasses that are being challenged is a glass that somebody's my mistake leaning on not noticing not meaning anything bad it's a glass that the guy was you gives a punch to the window and that's the one that breaks but he didn't realize what was there and this is the Rebbe not noticing what's going on so even though when we talk about children that are unfortunately struggling and children that I've reached different kind of problematic situations maybe are coming from the air but now we're discussing simple day-to-day regular challenges that we have at home we're going home to a family of kids family of kids and there are some of them that may be more challenging for a reason let me just explain I'm not a little bit deeper the emotionalism right of a child or even of an adult that matter is what may be causing him to wanna feel very comfortable like we said marika what is very comfortable me very comfortable me is that what I was going around was already going on around me I want to understand well I wanted to be something I can comprehend I can accept I want to be something I was notified about I don't want surprises I wanted to be something I had a choice about now once you give me the choice maybe I'll pick exactly what you wanted me to pick for that matter but let me choose let me feel good about was going on I don't like being told what to do what do you mean you're told you're only a kid I know but I still don't even told what to do and the same kid when you tell him go do this now say you wonder who thought this little snook didn't go like that where do you pick that up there's some resistance there just going along what he's being told because if he doesn't like being told he won't know something his grandmother's the same way it's not about a kid he doesn't like being told what to do he can't do doesn't understand why you didn't get advance notice for example he does want to go along with something if he's afraid of what's gonna happen yeah he's worried he's anxious about the outcome Walt different kid there's no problem so what do you do he said come on what do it you look of Rumi when he's younger than you that's the worst thing you could do to a kid the worst thing you could do to a a sensitive child that's not comparing him and showing him you're inadequate you know good and it's true of Rumi went faster than him everybody was able to go faster than him and if he stops feeling bad about not matching up to his brother and he has a problem oh you have a problem I should say should never make up kids feel like that she didn't make any kid feel like that as a matter of fact the blue child shouldn't either feel but less because he's slower pace than someone else to convention before and the yellow child shouldn't feel either less by being maybe a little less responsible or neat right put those toes even get over quicker so the end of the day when we're talking about with a focus energy there are those children that need the most to be taken care of so somebody asked me Friday was oh so a UV child is condemned for life sensitive child is what he's growing up with very emotional so the answer I gave was well is the window condemned for life right it's that fragile he took it out of the box does it ever expire that fragility well maybe not the means condemned for life no it's not condemned for life but for life you'll need to take care of it that's true now let's not be honest but I don't mean to say right that just like the window it's just as fragile today as it was ten years ago and the day that you're gonna give it to harden a cork or something hits it with even a strong wind could break it just like it always did it's not true because what happens is when you raise a child - Maya - and I said he'd do it the right way what happens is he's growing up like we heard this job was feeling safe secure taken care of he's being healthier he's growing up he's becoming more confident more calm and I could see it I could see when adults come to me for help and I see then their personality I could tell what they've been through based on how they're looking today would there with what they're dealing with with what they were given so it's not a question that would something's going up in a healthy and safe environment he's feeling better about himself it doesn't mean that one day he'll be able to take the zetz that someone else will be able to take may not be he remains he remains more sensitive than someone else that's important to understand that you know what works for one kid won't work for someone else not a question remember this remember Ronnie green what I think I want repeated in public said yeah we talked about that we mentioned before the cookie cutter um education system right like when everything matches up he said it's fine as long as you remember that there's different kind of cookies there you have the round cookie you have the square cookie and you're the star cookie you have the tough cookie there are different cookies and they're all different and it's fine when you realize there are cookie cutters different children fit into different boxes or not Mohnish into the box but you could categorize them but there's different there's different ways of categorizing them and so important understand that child understand when he says something when he gets stuck in something and hurt him to overcome a certain support mental something struggling with it's okay it's okay back off well I have told me he's dead yeah I know you don't have to you don't have to put your shoes back off and realize hey why do you get to talk Kobe was cuz I called him in to learn that he wasn't ready for it could be if I just asked him when do you want to learn now or later well have a short-sale later try it out you'll see II may not for sure say later oh maybe the first week I'll say later in the second week or so you know what let me learn now he may not mind you want me to say the comodo you want to say diggin water okay I'll say it as opposed to no stop saying what you do what we can hide there nothing that there's a way to talk to someone that's fragile is a way to deal with it as a matter of fact the menacing this is only good I'm sure I've only accommodate or fragility and sensitivity it's not a problem as a matter of fact nothing that I mentioned Apatow now is problematic at all every child and every person has their strengths and their difficulties the challenges of school not difficult challenges everybody the yellow has its has his or her strengths that other people don't have and and the challenges that come along with a personality and everyone does interestingly interesting the UVs challenges may be in some ways more more because it's more challenging to be dealing with things that are very intense and emotional right and this around a person and the other hand the the qualities of such a child when taken care of is unlimited glass is nicer than plastic rubber and wood I'm saying better but nicer there's a reason why you use a piece of glass and piece of glass is beautiful right there's something about that piece of glass that's stunning and many people know that children that are struggling used to be the most outstanding why is that there's something outstanding about that and that's part of the fragility fragility both when it comes on the emotional level and later psychological and everything else I'm late okay whoever one I'll try to finish up hmm okay yeah yeah let me just continue for now fragility is what is what is what doesn't tolerate right sensitivity is what doesn't tolerate an emotional level if I'm very comfortable I'm okay if I'm not very comfortable I'm not at all comfortable the tolerance is low okay even psychologically when I want to understand something if I understand it very well and makes I'm okay with it but I understand it very well that doesn't make any sense something very very black-and-white about it right when I'm successful I'm doing good and I want to learn I want to learn 10 hours a day and if I can't learn 10 I was there for whatever reason I'm struggling I don't want anything sometimes we don't understand it why why you getting so stuck come on just just move further I don't know the Gomora but you what don't you know about it you know right no no I don't know what I don't know anything I something about understanding why is the child getting so stuck he's stuck his emotions are taking him over it's okay tell him it's fine if you don't know I'll say it to you something about understanding and dealing with it and when you take a piece of glass and you careful with it and you cush on you and you take any wipe it and you you deal with it the right way you got something stunning and beautiful something it's more expensive anything else that's what's really all about so when we talk about parenting and we use words like like twisted right there's nothing twisted about understanding how each child needs something else as a matter of fact if you do straight parenting you may hit one on the head at most you're not gonna hit all them on the head you're always gonna need a twist a little bit to reach someone not a question say experience that I had recently with one of my UV children I have a few wonderful next weekend alert and Center the boy having the Mitzvah and I mean I thought because that's what I did when I was a little boy that my Minnick was the parent film for weeks for a moment sir that's what I understood and my Reverend talks of mr. Gary Busey finish line six weeks before of it sir I told my son what an opportunity it's only two weeks earlier than expected a big brown tone two weeks earlier another about we have a brown film what an opportunity right not honest oh why not well if I didn't know a thing to do I wouldn't have said why not I was said couples get four eggs what's breaking the rim know why not when they do allometric in the crowd I don't like that I'm not gonna feel comfortable there little boy right so what's Walters get soaked if I didn't understand things ooh nourish the guna it will be okay you'll see what we find don't be fine like he's in the resentment remember it why would I do that them you know what if you don't want you don't have to you could tell me if you want no but it's fine it's not I won't even ask the river okay and that's what happened anyway two weeks later I told okay when you got the rough stuff could've been but I'm still four weeks for a mitzvah a day before I speak talking my father about it that's not really a minister I did that yeah because of circumstance whatever but that's not really a woman it's okay if you want that's all my son that you know I spoke those ideas is not really how many do it like this so maybe we should talk away though it's once we didn't wanna collide him I told my friends I'm putting out I can't I said tell them that yeah no mister no no it's okay we're gonna go for weeks for a plant no it's fine now I have some a bunch of voices can i order I wouldn't done it with another one it's not necessary it's nice like every kid feel good but you don't always have to walk on tiptoes not no reason but what is necessary you have to understand we're is necessary so what happens is you know when you're starting the saying that kid better you start getting a feeling for how much energy and patience you have to put in such a child and all of a sudden you seem thriving you seem using his custom-made fishy see mean what's Leah and it's beautiful now sometimes people tell me well well I don't like labeling you know we heard about the mikoshi labeling someone you say he's the fragile kid like I don't like that yeah all right labeling and they said the fellowman story about the Sharma's used to wake up the people in the morning and they realized one time that wasn't snowed outside was beautiful everything was covered in white snow and the shaman's goes and walks around the town it makes makes a more track record to what sustained but has to wake everyone up can't what a brilliant idea I'm gonna put the showers on a stretcher and for people carrying around it down and he won't have to walk on the snow sometimes we want to avoid labeling a child for example right youth I mean he's a sensitive child and I had this what a Malamud of my child and I said you know it's a sensitive boy I'm sending you my sensitive child take care of him smile till I mean Alta Clark I don't like this Dean what why are you why are you labeling him right now I know that this one I'm with labels kids ADHD anxiety this one has a he's on the spectrum he's already off the spectrum like how many labels am i avoiding by telling it he's playing sense there's nothing wrong with him how many children have I seen labeled incorrectly Cindy because we didn't understand it's simply a piece of glass nothing wrong with him nothing wrong yeah but he gets intimidated when I asked him a question out loud correct so why you asking questions out loud hey you figured that out already so why still doing it why you still doing it understand him when you understand you'll see that you able to avoid so much difficulty and he thank me later you know I have a way with you kid I call rusty I see you doing so well and he tells me your piece and he knows like I'm not a messiah and you know what would have happened if you would have asked him the question I've loved one time and all the time he wouldn't have been learning anymore because he couldn't handle it don't tense and he gets he Tucker gets frozen yeah and he stuck at things he doesn't know it and he talked against doc it's so important to make sure he doesn't get stuck so let me have another minute let me get one where they try to say what usually let me let me a woman they try to say what usually takes me six nine hours okay what happens is when you're dealing with somebody right and we're gonna leave marriage to the side for now okay talking about children emotions and marriage is almost as complicated almost as twisted right twisted spicing a different time okay oh let's say our children I mean dealing with somebody that's inflexible let's call it inflexible naturally inflexible right hard to navigate it's it's difficult and this world a hostile place I spoke about that imagine if you had to drive down the highway what I was doing we'll have fun would you get the first curve you slow a flyover the way when somebody's driven by emotion is hard to navigate and be flexible and tolerate and make room for things that aren't comfortable very difficult and this world is a very turning place due to circumstance and do the people around it's normal and we're all navigating and we're all avoiding difficulty all the time so you have to remember this is a child growing up on his own without people understanding him well it could be difficult very difficult and here's one that needs the most to be taken care of to help him through those curves they shouldn't be so so so so quick I'm so dangerous and this is why we hang signs when the other one is a curve now some kids have no problem with the curve see kids I change the neighborhood and they find a new school right so what happens is getting back to what I'm saying you have a kid a glass boy like the glass little of chess piece right little inflexible what do we do with him well we heard today what means flight and fight okay very good very good description of what people do sometimes either we fight Katie's being obnoxious he's not listening he's difficult he's not he's not letting himself be taught he's not letting himself you know get get trained he's not going along with the flow so when I fight him you know what happens when you find a piece of glass so if somebody wants to get up and try it you fight a piece of glass you break the glass you get caught nobody's happy you left to deal with the damage you don't fight in peace you don't fight somebody who's emotional because his emotions are gonna take over he's get defensive he's a fight you back so what's the other thing you do flight right you can't fight him and he's coming at you and he's not gonna move for you see you run away do your own thing you want to be difficult be difficult you wanna wake up late wake up late do your own thing well why not right that's what that's what we would think I'm gonna let you do things do only cuz I don't wanna get anyway doesn't work like that when you teach a kid to do things his own way because it's difficult to him to take authority you're raising a chronica thing he's not using to grow up thinking he can do whatever he wants it's not healthy you know what happens on these people they both mistakes at once well not much at once like one after the next you first fight the kid you scream at him like we heard what that means I was gonna be with you you make up late and I want to wake you up anymore now care to get out of bed and and you're busy fighting you right are you trying to get him he's getting more and more difficult and then when you realize not getting any with him anymore you walk away and let her know he wants so you damage the kid okay sensitive he's the remember that a long time believe me that you be child is not forgetting so fast it goes very deep and affects him very long and then you teach you do what everyone so so he's not even motivated to change it so people make both mistakes they fly to fight at the same time what do we do okay so the answer there what do we do I'll say in 30 seconds cuz I already use a half a minute but very foreign balance very fine balance is necessary and it's it's a tricky balance the balance between understanding and emotional child and taking care of him cushioning him the way he needs specifically different than other children which is which entails in itself two things both not hurting you right not humiliating him not-not-not trivializing things that are bothering him not telling him that you don't care not hurting me anyway and I'm not talking about someone who says I don't care about you no but in his language in his language not hurting him when he says doctor I need something head off with that you heard him he's very sensitive at the same time you want to make him feel good you want to make him feel respected and needed you want to use him actually have to have a lot of parents in this job is even with children that are struggling well okay I'm letting him do what could I really know tell me you need him use him ask his advice tell him to do something for you a small favor there's almost no one that will turn you down for the smallest favor sometimes you do you want to make someone feel good you mind moving your hand just a drop mom just a strap and after she go you know it really meant so much to me I don't know why I was just areum is my one of my things like my crooks and moms had saved me you made a feel good what do you do for you nothing you can make someone feel good with nothing and you can make them feel good by just making sure he thinks that you think highly of him and when little kids healthy kids now like longer said the most to get out of my mouth I always say is my class what does he think you think of him now what do you think I think he's a great cleaner potential what are you what does he think you think of him well if I would ask him what you think of him and I do this when I said good boys well what does he final think of you it's sad to hear what you hear sometimes so if you can make sure that he thinks that you think of him highly and the same with your spouse you'll be getting a lot further or somebody that's emotional that's the first part cushioning ham cushioning him doesn't mean letting duty once but you couldn't first make him comfortable and others were to talk to him at the same time you want to make sure you know tolerating things that shouldn't be tolerated healthy laundry is knowing what you should be tolerating how to tell how to express yourself when something's bothering you not all Shibata team is shaken I kick the comb bangers develoment it's not about you it's about me it's my thing all be so much easier to me if you do it this way I'd appreciate I'm so appreciative because you're doing this I enjoy when you do something right it's about me there's so many healthy ways to make sure that the kid doesn't just go flying over the handle because because you want to let him do what he wants when is that healthy balance but the healthy balance between making someone feel good and the same time protecting yourself in a healthy way not because you're you're in a fight but because you just tried to teach him till we're two what's normal and you do it now the way in a way that doesn't contradict very often people do these two things no way to contradict each other right I'm either gonna be nice to you or I'm gonna show you that I'm boss and yet people that do either one them pretty well they even know how to show the kid that their boss well they know how to be nice to the kid to do it at the same time I love you you're a special kid I really want to learn with you I'm not from 3 to 5 for you from final reason but I want to learn after five I wonder what you have to first look I have a hobby you sir if you can learn before that I'd really appreciate it so you teaching the kids it's not your call whenever you want to learn with me but I'm being nice to you and I'm P and I'm teaching you what there's and what not I want to wake you up in the morning I'll wake you up twice like wake you up either 7 or 7:30 some time have to leave try wake you up with a hot cocoa I'm willing to be nice to you up until where it's normal and want to train you to what's normal while I'm being nice to you I'm not gonna fight with you and I'm not gonna tolerate such a healthy balance now all kids could use a healthy balance all kids use healthy balance but so many kids could unfortunately when they need to or when we're not as healthy as we should be tolerate something that's not less than perfect but the fragile child may sometimes have issued tolerating those doesn't not perfect and even when you're trying to be perfect he's dealing with friends and already and siblings he needs this special understanding when I was yourself if we could give that that extra understanding the children even children that are already struggling and we try to implement a certain understand certain emotional understanding and we are very many so we said everyone's crazy but sometimes you see even crazy situations literally crazy situations she won't buy situations bad damage situations couples that have that have gone I don't know where already but just understanding it and starting slowly to implement you know that the feeling and and the healthy attitude that literally there's a person back to health I've seen so many times and I wish itself with this understanding try to at least first short term before we are able to implement everything and we should implement everything for all children whatever we could start with those sensitive children give them the feeling they need and I resolve danaka small wins again yeah