R' Refael Ribicoff on "How Do You Know If You Are Dating Or Married To Your True Partner In Life"

[Music] ladies and gentlemen welcome to congregation where tonight theak organization is honored and privileged to host very dear friend of ours ra RAF ROV and the topic of healthy relationships how to correct me if I'm wrong how to um how to how do you know how do you know if you are married or dating your soulmate the right one okay too many events going on so I forget topics but you got the point looking forward for this year should be very interesting thank you very much for coming every single one of us first and foremost today is event especially the refreshments were dedicated for the the complete recovery for a give himen uh upcoming events and programs some quick announcements are that this Sunday night kazak will be having two special events first event is Rabbi y y wngland former Harvard graduate who became a football player who became a rabbi should be a very interesting lecture the topic will be how to stay high after the high holy days so please come and spread word to all that will be at the BET Center in Far tills you'll see the fers and emails and text messag about that event also on Sunday night kak presents uhad very big Rabbi R who's related to the bab and all the families will be giving a lecture in Hebrew at 900 p.m. followed by the you know where you can go get and advice from the rabbi that'll be this Sunday night the both events one Inland Hills there's many other events I could go on and on about it but you will be getting emails and and and and be notified about them if you aren't on our email list we will be giving out a signning sheet in the middle of the lecture please fill in your information if you want to get text messages you can fill in your phone number with a check next to the text message sign um regarding um regarding the kazak magazine the brand new one just came out Edition number 49 you can pick up the winter Edition there's a few scattered around after the lecture you'll be able to go in by the entrance and also my good friend AK studios in the C sponsored a few hundred of these posters which are in Hebrew and Russian so feel free to take them whoever is interested in helping with sponsorships please go see AR raise your hand okay good without further Ado it's our first time hosting RAB ROV I actually went to his classes it was so inspiring that I didn't need to hear him for another four years about so that's why that's why uh it took us this long to get him to to speak for us but we had his rits in many many times uh so it's an honor for us to have him come all the way from farak five Town's area so Rabbi ROV thank you very much for joining us without F Ado RAB ra [Applause] rivar okay good evening everyone um thank you much for coming um open up with with the congregation it's a it's a beautiful sh and it should be a place of of ding of learning and the place where um of course we're here for a little bit of Shalom bite as well um and of course to kazak and Yan for inviting me to come it's it's a m of privilege and an honor and uh it only took four years I we have to work a little bit harder maybe next time for the next couple they shouldn't come for another 10 years so uh that's the most important thing um there were some handout that were given out in the beginning hope everyone got one I don't know if I made enough for everyone if not you can share uh so the topic of tonight is healthy relationships how do you know if you are dating or married to your true partner in life um I was also supposed to be a little bit of a mixed crowd some singles some married people so we'll try to interwove some of the ideas that apply not just to dating but to marriage as well so the first quote that's over there um we'll say the story is there was um a professor in College an English professor and he wanted to I guess make a little fun and have some uh jokes with the with the students and it came up with this little this little question for them in terms of to see how well they understand the English language so quot you you see on the sheets some say there is no difference between complete and finished please explain the difference between complete and finished in a way that is easy to understand sounds simple enough right everyone's thinking thinking thinking one guy in the back raises his hands and he says and I'll quote because this is this is um classic his answer was when you marry the right woman you are complete but when you marry the wrong woman you are finished but if the right one catches you with the wrong one then you are completely finished he got a good laugh so so our job here tonight is to try to find that right one and to be complete and whole that's the idea so everyone asked the question especially when you're single how do you know if you're dating or want to get married to the right one how do you know that you found your as I say the Basher your other half you know the one that's going to make you complete and whole and even couples ask the question after they married did I make the right decision was this the right person for me so I want to start off by saying that I'm not here to talk about you know how do you find out if you didn't marry the right one in terms of some people will go to a cabalist and try to figure out you know does he have any ebgb some Vibes and some information that we don't know that this person is the right one for you I'm not talking about opening up the G books and do some gatas with your name your mother's name his name mother's name and try to find out if it matches up is equal doesn't equal you know is it good or no good I'm not talking about if you have this feeling you have this spark that says that this is the right one for you because as we see there are times when you go out with somebody and you might have that spark but it just Fizzles out it doesn't work out and some people get married never have that spark and the they're happily married and some people do have that spark so it's not necessarily an indication that if you do have it or don't have it it works for some doesn't work for others I mean personally when I went out with my wife I told myself if I'm going to call her I'm going to get married to her so I don't know but it worked out um doesn't work the same for everybody but you never know and I think sometimes men have a little bit of an inclination in terms of knowing whether this is the right one or not I don't know why or how but the men do and they're the ones usually say you know will you marry me propose right away and the women's what do they do they never they never give an answer right away oh I don't know I need to think about it you know you know why they say that because they don't want the dating to end they want you know take me out why and D me have a good because once you say yes that's it it all stops yes once he get married you know finished I'm not even talking about bash about the right one um whoever does the yesterday we started and over there brings down the famous saying about uh you know is and 40 days before you see before the creation of of the fetus a b comes out a Heavenly voice comes out and says b the the daughter of so and so is getting married to so and so on there's another thing that says that it's according to your my according to your Deeds according to the level that you're holding on that's who the person you're going to get married to and sometimes even the your daving can affect somebody of course yes we are soulmates you all each half of sh and again we're here to try to complete ourselves to become one in whole so what we're going to try to cover tonight is just some practical tips and ideas in terms of trying to figure out are you in a healthy relationship with this other person or whether it's your spouse or whether it's this this person that you're dating as well so we'll look at number one on the list are looks alone important in a relationship while dating or even after marriage is looks or looks or looks important I'll open to the audience I make a little more Interactive if you want what do you say yes the ladies say yes what about the men yes looks looks looks are very important why looks important will will you base marrying a person based on the looks alone think about it you can't you can't why not because it's more than just looks looks normally FID and you know and you got to get to know the person for who they are the character person the personality the Amo that's you know the whole package okay the whole package so ladies looks yes looks change okay okay inside okay okay it's interesting to note I I was doing a little search in the Torah in terms of looks okay last week's par we read about s right s our mother our matriarch and what say the when it came to said just realized that Sor is very beautiful R next week's para it says she was very beautiful good looking the eyes of Le were were weak and she was very very beautiful as well thear brings down there four wom there were four gorgeous gorgeous women in the world one of them was s number one number two was raav number three was AIG and number four was Esther Mala and continues on over there there were certain women that y if you just heard a voice you get excited and M also if he just saw her as well she was very beautiful too it would get a man excited to asked the question what about says that s s compared to was like a monkey before a person so must very beautiful she was created by the hands of God right but he answers that well because she was created she was created by God and not by born by an individual so therefore she's held to a higher standard it says about her she was very beautiful as well ya shalom was very beautiful and in the it says the daughters of were the most gorgeous girls at the time in that land so are it looks important or not seems to be stressed to certain point respect in terms of these women the brings down it at the end and everyone was aware of this no greater days for B is then Tu and yum kipur why CU it says the girls of would go out and dance in The Vineyards right in terms of finding shim and there were three groups that were there yet had one group was the beautiful girls and they tell the guys right we good-looking we're gorgeous okay get married to us why because you need to have a good-look wife second group were the girls that had Yus that come from a good family right they said what a woman is to have children we come from a good M from a good family and therefore you want your kids to grow up in the right environment so don't just look at the beauty cuz what does the P say right the beauty is vain and is like nothingness it's a woman who's who who's God-fearing is the one who should be praised and he had group number three they weren't so good-looking they didn't have greatus and they said marry us sh just for the children why but make sure that you try to Adorn us with jewelry in order for us to look beautiful in your eyes so we see at least two out of the three Beauty seems to be an important aspect when it comes to choosing a shid finding a mate in terms of finding the right girl for you as even a story inim there was a person who took a vow they took a NE not to get married to his sister's daughter so RAB ishma found out about it he took this girl and he says that he made her beautiful he gave her good clothes to wear he he adored with jewelry and she looked pretty and then he goes over to this guy is this the girl that you were talking about when you said you don't want to get married to your sister's daughter he says uh-uh doesn't look at all what she looked like before she looked much better prettier and he said no I wouldn't mind getting married to this one at the end he canceled the vow and after that Rish he started to cry and he says in general the women are very beautiful they really are gorgeous but sometimes the poverty can make them look a little bit ugly and therefore take away the beauty that they have to go further it says there are three things there are three things that that give a man expense you know make him feel good and what are they it says if he has a nice house a nice apartment if he has a nice wife and if he has good and proper utensils to use okay without getting into the deep interpretation but P simple explanation interpretation is what if you have a good wife so again the question is how do we understand the looks that the Torah is emphasizing and the gor is mentioning as well and when it comes to the famous we mentioned before so all looks important or are they not how do we understand it how do we reconcile the two two ideas and we as to the woman that's for the men's side for the woman's side the woman said looks are important the says something interesting it says aru it says that a woman would rather be married to somebody to anybody doesn't matter what he looks like it's better to be married at least to somebody than it is to be married to not married at all so it seems like the women shouldn't care about the looks but in reality I think the women today seem to be saying that they do care about the looks it is important for the guys for the women as well so we try to answer it this way and well familiar with the saying when a love is dependent on something once that something is gone the love is gone so when I teach the guys I tell them if you tell me that you love your fiance you love your girlfriend you love your wife because she's very beautiful what's going to happen when one day she's not so beautiful anymore right now we're all young the prime of Our Lives we're healthy we're strong but over time what happens you can't run away from it you're going to get gray hair you're going to get wrinkles you're going to get a big fat belly and a woman's body after a baby is not the same body anymore if you love her just for the looks what are you going to do when the the looks are going to eventually fade one day you and your wife are going to become Bobby and Zi you're going to become Grandma and Grandpa and what is what do they look like they should be healthy and well till 120 but it's time it takes this toll what can you do [Applause] so of course as some of you mentioned before it's not just the physical Beauty that's important if you want to understand on a deeper level even when the Torah mentions all these women were very beautiful we have to say that it's not just the physical beauty of the person it's the midot that's some some mentioned before it's the the modesty that they have it's the that they do the good deed s it's not on the physical level although it might be there as well but really you should look to the inside of the person that's the true beauty that shines the one who has God who one the woman who God-fearing she's the one who should be praised it's theem it's the fear of God because if we look at deeper L as we know the panim the face is a reflection of the P of the inside so if a person is is beautiful on the inside in terms of their midot the good character traits how they interact with other people that beauty will be reflected on the face itself and the beauty of their face will shine in terms of that's the true beauty and doesn't matter how old you are because s wasn't a young girl at the time she was she was already older when she went down M and said all a I realized you be very beautiful because that's the inside that's being reflected on the face on the outside that's the beauty that we have to try to love and to appreciate and to really enjoy but even when I was dating I remember my Rabbi said he says even though you still need a little bit of it it's still important to have a little bit of Y in the because it's the that attracts a person to another person and even after you're married a piece of advice it's very important that you know when we're dating we spend time to get get ready we get dressed in our Nice Clothing we put on some cologne some de we even take a shower in start of taking once a week you know and the girls they spend time with the makeup getting ready right and we spend the time and effort to look good right so why is it that once we get married we stop doing that we don't care about ourselves we let our bodies go to pot we get a big fat belly right we don't care about how we look who cares I'm already married no that even though you're married the looks are still important and of course the inside is very important but even the physical looks have to be taken care of in Terms of taking care of yourself it's important for the men to exercise and the women as well we have to eat healthy right we're talking about healthy relationships we have to eat healthy and we have to drink a lot of water right the woman you have to take care of yourself I'm not going to tell you what it is get your nails done get your eyebrows done and uh make sure the clothes look nice and for the men as well leave it up to you guys you need to rejuvenate you need to look young you need to feel young because when you do again when you when you dress Young you feel young it affects you as well even though you might be older but you're still young at heart and it's good for you [Music] too also it's not just enough to look good when you're going out and I hate to say this men are men and we say every time we have to be careful not to wander and go after our eyes so therefore it's important that we have to understand it that there's a lot of yaras that are out there we don't want we don't want to give a reason for a men to look elsewhere God forbid and to make sure that we do look nice for them we dress up nice for them and we understand it that even though I'm older I remember years ago a rabbi once said there was this lady she was 80 years old married to her husband was 85 years old and she she comes down the stairs wearing a new dress and she asks her husband how does this dress look do I look nice and pretty in the dress and what do you learn from the story that even though she's 80 years old she still wants to hear a good word from a husband that she looks beautiful in his eyes no matter what so it's important that we take care of ourselves and to understanding that you know it's very important not just the looks the physical looks that we had when we were dating when we were younger but even though once we're married we still need to take care of ourselves to understand that it's important that we do whatever it takes in terms of eating well exercising and dressing and getting taking care of ourselves on the physical level too so the bottom line is what so looks are important not just the only thing it's it's it's it's one piece of the puzzles that we need to take into consideration it's not the only thing to understand that the physical look that we're talking about is not just the way the secular world looks at it in terms of being that physical body okay the way the looks and so on and so because as we know it will fade it's not going to last forever and if that's the only thing that's attracting attracting you to this other person then what are you going to do when it does fizzle out we need to have some of that some of that charm from the inside in terms of appreciating the person as well that's what God Hashem gives us in terms of connecting one with the other in terms of you know you see sometimes couples like what does he see in her or what does she see in him but but there's that special that gu the charm that hasem gives to that the couple that this is what they like this is what's special for them it's important to understand that that if we do it really sh if we really do it for for hashem's sake for the right reasons as we know there's a famous story in the Torah of the woman how they used to get themselves all pretty when the men were working MIT right the special cou of mirrors and when the woman came to donate them to the mishkan MH didn't want them he said because this is something that's used for for vanity I don't want this as part of the mishan which is on a very high level but hm says no I want these I want and put it on melt them down and put him on as as a coding onto M and as as we know also when when a when a couple gets a divorce who cries it says the M cries why because something was missing there something was lacking that beauty that was there the wonderful marriage that was there between the people and it broke off it didn't work out the M cries because these mirrors are special and that it's important for woman to understand it that you still you need to make yourself look beautiful for your husband and it goes vice versa for the men that need to take care of to we get to the next topic number two communication question number one is it okay if while going out on a date that the guy or girl is not talkative okay going on a date and it's awkward don't know what to say right and number two is it important to call your husband or wife every day okay that's for those that are married so to understand it what does it mean to talk communication I I would say that the power of speech is one of the major differences that separates out man from the animals because man has the power of speech as we know as we read a few weeks ago in when AEM breathed into the nostrils of Adam he became what's called a he was able a spirit a talking spirit because we have a God gives us the power of speech and therefore we know that we need to use it and that's a way of connecting to another person if your H if your wife if your husband is your other half how do you connect with your if not through speech and not through communication that you have in terms of that's what the Nish is all about being able to talk to the other person that's how you connect to the heart of your spouse now how do we understand this idea of speech as we know as well the gar tells us there was 10 parts 10 measures of speech that came down to the world the women took how many nine they took a lot not just majority major majority they took almost everything women like to talk usually a lot of like they do that's right maybe they have a woman's in them too I don't know but women like to talk in general in general when you see a couple outside let's say either walking on the streets or in a restaurant who's doing all the talking it's usually the woman you got two women together to P you know yapping on the phone right they're just babbling away all day and all night you call up your husband two seconds hi bye goodbye that's the end of it nothing to say now how do we understand P that says right don't don't increase don't have too much talk with a woman it's talking about your own wife and all the more so to somebody else's wife so how do we understand this idea of communication if P us don't talk too much to your wife so what does that mean so there's a story that I heard there was a guy a simple guy he learned this p and so the rabbi say don't talk to your wife he didn't talk to his wife he comes home they want to talk so he he's youjing with his eyes with his hands do know what to do after a while the wife had enough she goes complaining to her father dad I don't know what happened this guy I don't know I think he lost the power of speed he can't talk he's mumbling things I know what he's doing I can't think this anymore I'm married to what the father went to the r ra disin told him the whole story The R says don't worry I'll take care of it myself personally one afternoon he calls over the guy come to my office okay guy comes to the R's office and the r is sitting in his office and he's sitting and learning R sees the one guy walking in he goes back to learning okay brother is probably busy you know wait till he's finished is waiting there a minute 2 minutes 5 minutes 10 minutes Rob doesn't know something this goes on for 2 hours 2 hours the guy just standing in the Rob is just learning away oblivious after a while the closes his book think going talk to him now s gos over his wife come I want to talk to you wife comes in how was your day what's going on and the wife is talking to him what' you do did you go to the market today yes I did what you buy what you get what's for lunch and they talking have a nice conversation and R finish with his wife the wife leaves goes back to his learning and a little while he tells the guy go okay this guy years later said I learned two things from the r he says number one I learned how it feels like when you're not spoken to and number two I see that the R even though he sits and learn he still devotes part of his time to speak to his wife and not just talking to his wife about Torah about mundane things how was your day what's going on what's in the market what you do for lunch right simple things talk to her that's the message we need to learn it's very easy sometimes for guys especially they're upset they go into silent mode right they press the mute button they hear nothing they see nothing that of it what's the matter what's going doesn't say nothing right it's a problem it's a problem we need to communicate that's I tell for the guys the woman will tell you it's the worst thing you can do to me talk to me yell at me scream at me do something don't just sit there like a rock and do do nothing okay talk to me so we need to talk maybe on a date it might be some Awkward Moment okay we might be shy we might be nervous you know sometimes when you get to know the person they they relax they loosen up a little bit and they're able to talk and to express themselves and to discuss when whenever it needs to be discussed but it's important that you're able to open up and to speak to the other person to be able to share your thoughts and share your feelings with each other because when it comes down to it even though you might be married you're not a navi and she's not a NVA and she cannot read your mind and you cannot read her mind I need to talk I thought the guys you know maybe maybe in 50 years from now you might get to that level of being able to read her mind you can sit across the crowded room and you telepathically talk to each other you can do that you can get to that level it takes a lot of work but you can reach there but until then what you need to do we need to learn to talk to the other person so what's considered to be healthy talk let's go back to our sheets we got two columns over there one is called healthy talk the other one's called abusive talk so number one is encouraging talk what does that mean you want to encourage the other person you want to show them that you're proud of their accomplishments you want them to do well in school you want them to do well in work you want to be supportive of them you want to be helpful if they need some help listen to your ideas being able to compromise that comes through communication as well next one respectful we talk nicely to each other we say please and we we say thank you right we don't take it for granted she has to cook dinner and he has to clean up and do the shopping it's not it's not giv there's no there's no reason why the courtesies all of a sudden end once you're married right you need to say please and thank you it doesn't cost anything it's worth it how do you discuss and how do you talk when it comes to dealing with family and friends when you have guests over especially the family in terms of how do we talk to each other how do we respect the parents and the in-laws and other and the extended family too next next level is is appropriate language right of course we're talking about no cursing everything's kept the right way is it honest talk is it truthful is it trusting and when it comes to trust I want to say one of the backbones of married life is having the trust in the relationship it's very important and and Trust doesn't only mean that I trust that you're not doing things with somebody else instead of me that's not what I'm talking about of course that's part of it but even the trusting to say that I trust in you that I know that you can be there for me I trust in you that you'll take care of me I trust in you that you'll be there for me right everything can come under the level of trust and it's important for the couples to understand it that you need to have that trust it's a backbone in the married life and it's important that we make sure that the trust is there and built and that falls on the category of being honest are you caring for the other person are you empathetic as well next one is and rational are you a patient person are you calm cool and collected do you try to control your anger how much are we in control of it some guys have a problem some women too you know we have short fuses but it's important that at least we're trying to work on it I mean anger C is an emotion that we have you can't get rid of it the question is how you deal with it and the last one is open to sharing thoughts and feelings as we mentioned before it's important to be able to be open to the other person to be able to share what's on your mind what you're thinking about and not to be afraid to say what you have to say to the other person is being able to have the commity and to know that I can talk to this other person and they're not going to make fun of me we're going to see soon they're not going to embarrass me they're not you know feel that I'm sharing with them something private something something deep within myself and that they're going to laugh at me and make fun of me at the same time and therefore when the next time is going to come I want to say something to you I'm going to think twice because I don't want to have the same reaction from you as well when it comes to the abusive talk it's important in a relationship to have what's called emotional and physical safety it's not about power and control okay you're married so under Abus of talk we have was called negative talk okay it's called a disease you know is the cup full or half empty okay it depends on how you look at it we have to be optimistic people the cup is half full don't look at the world as being all negative it is negative to a certain extent it's dark out there there's a lot of problems a lot of issues okay it depends how you look at it even the rabis say when you look at something don't look through the black of the eye look through the white of the eye what's the problem with that we look through the black of the eye that's the P that's what we see we don't look to the right of the eye but they're talking figuratively when they talking about don't look at the world as being everything being dark and gloomy and terrible there's a lot of good that's out there today and if anything if you become a positive person it will affect other people around you as well so people that if you happen to come to a family where they sit down by the table and all they discuss is everybody else's problems you know who's dying who's sick who's getting a divorce right people like to do that and they're sitting down with the teas and having a good time but but again this is a problem this is negativity bad vibes this is a plague you got to run away next level is called disrespectful disrespectful to you disrespectful to your family disrespectful to your friends he makes fun of you he makes fun of what you like he makes fun of what you do and he can sometime also betray your confidence if you if you share something private you know you don't go and and and blap to the whole world in terms of what's going on if it's kept in secret it has to be kept a secret in appropriate language which means cursing put downs and and you know I deal with couples a lot and and it it never ceases to surprise me sometimes I mean you know I hate to say this for the woman there are times when you know the guy tell she's cursing away like I don't know what and and and number one just even to say that is not proper but for a man you should know that it it's it's a total turnoff it feels like it's disgusting that she can talk this way in terms of even saying those type of words that come out of her mouth so I I can understand there a lot of frustration and problems and issues but dealing with language or bad language is not the answer to the to to the to to the issue and to the problem next category lies all the time right you were caught lying you were caught cheating you're doing things inappropriate okay there's a reputation of being a liar threatening or scary talk again as we mentioned before about getting angry you know anger management is very important gets angry at anything that you do if you spend time with the family if you spend time with your friends you know just angry and upset if it presses you to do something that you don't want to do if he accuses you of being also Unfaithful or cheating or if God forbid God forbid God forbid he he he resorts to physical violence or physical abuse and it goes both ways either to the man or to the woman and last one on the list is called very quiet and secretive you don't know what he does he a very quiet guy very quiet lady and they're doing things that I have no idea what they're doing I have women that have no idea what the husband does for a living I mean some un believable but but but it's it's all a secret all a secret it disappears sometimes Rabbi he's out all night I don't always he's doing comes up in the morning and I always been it's a problem that's a problem that's abuse of talk cuz you're giving off you're giving off information that you're not really talking I don't know what's going on there's no reason that you can talk to the person and if people have a problem talking then you need to learn to use other ways and today we have a lot of methods to talk to another person you can write Little Love Letters if you want little sticky notes on the bathroom window the mirror you know you can text message to somebody you can email to somebody right you know you you want to try it out you want to discuss with your friend maybe make right whatever it is but there's ways to communicate it's not just talking and we need to know to use them properly if you have a problem when it comes to talking okay so rehearse it beforehand write it down and make sure you discuss with the other person that they know what's on your mind when it comes to your mouth the G tells us something very interesting the tells us if you look at your body there is two of everything pretty much right even in your brain you have two two parts of the brain you have two eyes two nostrils two ears you have two arms two legs you have two kidneys you have two lungs and so on and so forth why is it that God created us with only one mouth why soor says you know why because really God wanted to create you with two mouths we know the body the into two parts you have the right side the left side you have the good and the evil you would have two mouths one to do good and one to say bad butm says I see that even the good mouth is going to end up talking bad as well so you know what I make for you one mouth and try to use this mouth to only talk good things we use this mouth to say we use this mouth to learn Torah we learn his mouth to say good things to another person don't get it dirty with inappropriate foul language and cursing God forbid it's not appropriate it's not right I told the kids Yesa I tell them to get into a fight with somebody you know the same inappropriate I say listen would you go to the bathroom and take a cup and drink the water from the toilet I'm sorry to use this language they say no disgusting I wouldn't use that I say but that's the same water that comes into your house into the kitchen sink that's the same water but what's the problem it's in a bowl that's dirty the mouth that's clean the mouth that's tore the mouth that's pure should not be the mouth that says things that's from the sewer God forbid you got to keep it clean and it's important that we remember that and and and for those that are married when it comes to the kids where do they learn all the language okay you might say from the TV from the movies from the friends whatever it is but a lot of times you hear it the kids learn it from the house they heard the father getting upset or the mother getting upset and they heard some language and once they hear it that's it it's stuck in their head and they're going to say it again they don't know what you're talking about but because they heard it once from your mouth that's it it's ingrained in their soul so be careful when it comes to respect there has to be boundaries in your life whether it's dating or whether it's married there's what's called the physical time you can be together when you're married and the non-physical time there's the emotional connections that a couple lik to have but let me ask a different question it comes to the boundaries how far does it go in terms of the use of the internet for example checking the person's phones checking the computers checking the emails what's the history that's there who you've been talking to who you texting to and I'm not the maving what's out there today but again dealing with the couples you hear a lot of problems so let me ask you the question do you think it's right to know another person's password to know your husband's password right or you dating somebody you want to check out their phone you want to see who they're talking to who they're texting to is that okay what do you say it depends depends what kind of password I have he's not talking about being I'm talking about getting into your email right you need to you need to sign on you need to log on right you need to have your user ID you need to have a password right do you think that the wife or the husband should have access yes to the internet to the computer to your phone yes why not there hide there's nothing to hide okay you shouldn't give it out trust hiding something okay okay this this fall on the category of of B boundar so how much is appropriate how much is not okay this is something that unfortunately today that people are doing things that are are really inappropriate and unless you have either a filter or or somebody that has access to what you're getting into you know no holds bar I mean you you can do and get anywhere and who's going to know so again it's it's a very touchy subject I'm not talking about controlling I'm talking about abuse somebody who's dating somebody and wants to constantly see your phone who you talking to wants to know all the time time who you in touch with whatever that's a problem that's a red flag that's that's an issue I'm not talking about somebody who's obsessive about the whole thing I talking about somebody who's overly jealous in terms of who you talking at I mean I get it all the time and it's a problem because we we we're in the workforce and we deal with men we deal with the women and and you know when is it a business relationship and when does it come to something becoming a little more personal and getting out of hand and that cuz that's the way it starts and that's a problem unless you know you have somebody on top of your head Somebody's Watching what you're doing and you never know if you're going to get caught you're going to be in big trouble not just hasm is watching all the time that's not enough sometimes but there's a person that's watching you're significant other right what we start by saying right if the right one catches you with the wrong one you you completely finished right you got to be careful about that you don't want to be kaput all together when it comes to family and friends when it comes to control are able to deal and go to the family you get an issue from the husband or the wife is there a problem visiting your friends hanging out with the friends or is it only his family or only her family right again the boundaries where does it go and not only that but we need sometimes that time apart I'm not talking about just nther but it's important that we have that quality time with each other and there are times when we need to relax a little bit the guy needs the night the guy's night out the girls need they little night out but again it has to be appropriate I don't want guys telling me the wife tells me he's elf an Atlantic City with the guys what is he doing there I don't know I for me that's not appropriate you want to relax you want take it easy okay fine there's other ways to do that you don't need to go totic City to do that or the woman's hanging out by these clubs going places that the girls are going there what's the problem what's the big deal I think it's a big deal I think it's a problem and if you don't look it as being a problem then that that's a problem I mean again I I'll be the last one to tell you not to have some relax I mean you can be with each other 24/7 it's going to cause problems I mean you know you need to have a littleit break that's why hasem set up in the in the system that there is a littleit break time it's healthy I mean even in in the secular world when couples have issues and problems one of the first thing that tell them did you guys ever think about separating from each other why because when you don't have something the heart growes fer okay so it's important that we have a little time out but even that has to be with certain boundaries certain limits ands what you're doing what you're not doing number two for the communication we said is it important to call your husband and wife every day what do you say yes women say Yes Men yes thinking I don't know maybe should could wor you can call her now don't worry it's not too late not too late it's important to call every day so was a story a young man once came to M Feinstein and he told him that his wife was upset at him because he didn't call her that day okay so he came to the rough to say you know what she getting all upset about what's the big deal I'm going to see her later on today I said I'll Lo to her in the morning I said good morning goodbye whatever it is you know what what's the big deal if I didn't call her during the day so the was surprised it says he says I don't understand why you didn't call her I call my wife every day said I call my and this is a person that sat and learned 24/7 busy with the world with all jewelry and T all questions all over the place and if he spends the time to call his wife every day who are we 10 times a day you got to call your wife okay does me 10 times at least at least once a day at least once a day at least once a day now in general what happens is that when the women call up the men don't bother me I'm busy I can't talk get away okay sometimes that can happen you're busy but if she was a client and important client you would give her the time of day you spend some time I'm really sorry I'm in a meeting right now I can't really talk let me call you back soon right that's the decency to do and of course don't forget to call her back later on in the day okay that shows that you care and when the guy calls up the wife what happens wow I know he's so busy he called me he took time out of his business to call me he's thinking about me I'm on his mind I'm important to him for her you make her a whole day now today most of us we have unlimited phone plans and doesn't cause to call call call it's a two second f it has to be he's on a day talking hours at a time Hi how are you how's it going what's I'm alive I'm breathing but it's fine I see you later don't wor about what's for dinner okay that's it that's it just I'm here it's important to talk [Applause] now when it comes to healthy communication so we'll say a few rules that we need to understand number one is finding the right time to talk with each other okay and that means if you're going to sit down and talk no interruptions turn off the phones get rid of the computers the TV everything is off everything's shut down right spend time concentrating on each other okay it has to be private not outside in the streets or in the park whatever it is again unless you have that time alone but again spend the time to talk with each other alone okay and also at a time when you're not tired and not when you're stressed out right cuz you probably can't talk you dozing off you're falling asleep already okay find the right time that's good for the two of you and sit down and talk again it doesn't have to be a three-hour conversation about life and the world whatever it is just just to catch up on each other's you know what's going on the day the house the kids and so on and so forth just talk with each other again when you were dating you did a lot of talking I hope okay so it's important to rejuvenate again to go back to those days and to talk as well number two it should be done face to face okay okay communication mention before there's a lot of different ways but when it comes to some serious communication healthy communication it's not done through texting it's not done through emails okay it has to be face to face okay because a lot of times when you do text to somebody even though you put those fun faces whatever it is it doesn't get the message across there a lot of miscommunication misunderstanding that's not what I meant that's not what I said you know again there's things that you miss out when it's just put down on paper when you talk face to face it gives it a different dimension also when you're talking no attacking allowed okay we're not at War we're not a battle okay don't use the U word okay use the I word okay for example I feel I feel like we haven't been as close lately I I feel right I the EM motion and what's going on what do you feel instead of you have been very distant lately okay you're turning when you when you point the finger to another person you start attacking them what happens they be they go in the defensive and all it does is that it's not going to become communication it's going to become now I'm defending myself and it attack and it answer back you know it doesn't really accomplish anything if you use the I word so instead of pointing the finger you're addressing it to yourself and hopefully they'll understand where you're coming from and then take into consideration and ter about how to further communicate with you number four it means being honest the truth hurts sometimes but you have to be honest with your spouse sometimes okay again constructive criticism sometimes is very hard to swallow but if it needs to be said if you say it in a nice way if you come across being caring I'm I'm telling you this because I really want you to know and to understand it if you do it from the bottom of your heart words from the heart will penetrate the heart and then she'll or he will understand it better okay we're not perfect only only god is perfect we come to this world to try to perfect ourselves so it's important that we understand that about the other person okay and sometimes when we do make mistakes we have to learn to apologize to say I'm sorry I know guys have a very hard saying than that but even sometimes the women but it's important say it okay you're not less of a man I think when the women hear that they'll appreciate it more and they see that you are a man you do have a heart you do have emotions you are sensitive it's also very nice and the women too should apologize if they do make a mistake instead instead of trying to make excuses why you did that I me know it's better just cut it apologize and that's the end of it also when it comes to communication what's known as body language it's important as we mentioned before terms of being face to face but even the way you're talking about you're faing the person but like you're slouching and you're dozing off and your your eyes are rolling whatever is that's not again you're giving the message that you don't care I'm here but I don't care what we say just it's going nowhere okay so you sit up you have some eye contact you make sure your face is there you listen you're caring again as mentioned before no phone calls shut everything down and also what's called the 48 hour rule okay in other words if you get into a little disagreement okay so the question is in 48 hours from now okay are you still upset about what happened okay if you are the definitely need to be discussed but most most of the times you asked the couples they were fighting you know they come so what we fighting about last week I really don't remember but it was just it was something serious each other but what was it what the problem I don't know but but she said he said okay but most of the time it's it's it's it's as they say it's nothing okay so really be serious about getting into a fight getting upset and if it's something that really after 48 Hours you really remember what it's all about and it still bothers you definitely needs to be discussed and to be taken care of [Music] okay also if she mention to the partner to your partner that you were hurt okay um the easiest thing to do is to just apologize don't get into a whole discussion about the whole thing just apologize and get on without apologizing but or this and that if you want to apologize just leave it at that end it and move on in life there's no reason to bring up the past don't be a cow and gurgitate all your food all the time okay you know just let go move on in the married life okay let's get to number three religion religion now the question would be is it important that the couple are on the same religious level or is it okay if they are on different levels okay this will apply if you're dating somebody even afterwards somebody decides to to become very religious and to take off and to be a little more stricter about CH whatever it is so the question is is that an issue is that a God send is that okay not okay again open to the audience what are you saying is religion important and that it needs to be discussed needs to be discussed okay couple with one piece closer one possible I know a lot of stories that uh you know one person was the other person wasn't they became and then they got to watch me on anyway it didn't work out so so so are you saying that religion is important very it's one of the most important that's important okay so if you're dating somebody who's not on your level that means you should break it off no try to work on it try to work on it okay ladies what are you saying same level as long what what are the basics woman I had a phone today a lady she wears a long wig and you don't want her to wear a wig at all is that a reason to get a divorce or to break up a date is that Basics or not that's is that's new or not does that fall into the category too thank you okay now in the secular world there's an idea Jewish World of what's called opposites attracting okay so the question is when it comes to dating or even marriage does the idea of opposites attracting does that work okay so in religion if you have one who's religious and one not religious the Opposites should that work out or not I mean that that's a that's a possible question I guess when it comes to opposites I guess if you're a magnet it works very well but if not um not all relationships work on opposites attracting okay like personality character okay yeah okay so if you're outgoing and that's she doesn't like to step outside of the house that's that's fine that's fine you know OPP religion you should try to be somewhere in the same somewhere in the middle okay R I don't know I disagree with that what do you say I say if she doesn't like to go out of the house and you do that cause a lot of problems okay or or the other way around so in the beginning a lot of what couples feel is that if let's say you know he likes to go out and she likes to stay in or vice versa so in the beginning you might say oh this is great because I I maybe want to get over this problem of you know not being able to go out and if my spouse is outgoing so therefore it's going to make me to become a little more outgoing and that that's might be going to help me and and to get me to go out but a lot times what happens is that it might be great in the beginning but after a while you just revert back to who you are and that you just like to stay home and that you get upset that why he wants to go out all the time I I just leave me alone you know and and that causes a problem sometimes and and a lot of relationship uh gurus would say that uh sometimes it's it's that in that situation that opposite tract is not the answer it's it's when you do have similarities between the couple that makes it much more easy and compatible for them to get along with each other and to deal with their little You Know M that they have in terms of wanting to go not go wanting to go out in terms of working it out better with the couple themselves down the road when they do get married so it's important that you have at least similar values when it comes to certain things you're both on the same page when it comes to married life you're both on the same team to understand that you're here to work together together with each other okay if you have common interest if you want to grow together that's important you know in religion it's always better when you're both climbing the lad together okay cuz you're here to encourage each other to help each other sometimes you be the crutch sometimes you help the other person right it's always best when you're climbing the ladder together in terms of the spiritual growth that you're going to have in your life and it's important to understand that when it comes to religion it can be a problem okay because if a person becomes very religious and they want to keep certain standards again other phone tell you know unfortunately you know she's calling you know my husband wants to dance with me when I when I go out to some of these parties and she I don't want to do that I don't do that but he's going to get upset because this is what the family wants this is what they expect you know and he wants to make them happy so what do you do what do you do so it could it definitely could cause problems down the road and it's important that they understand it that sometimes having these differences does cause problems it's hard to pick up on it all the time when you are dating sometimes okay but even once you're married to understand that you need to work through it in terms of um getting beyond that as well so as we know when it comes to religion okay I'm a rabbi so uh I'm definitely going to push for it I might to brainwash you whatever it is but uh you not to understand that that that the Torah is is the way to go and anyone that's married has a okay and the first letter of tuba is the letter bet okay when we got married it has the day but always starts off with the letter bet and the the reason why it says that is because theba the bet in theba symbolizes the bet in the Torah in to tell you that what when the that joins the couple together it has to be joined together with the Torah in their lives because that's what's going to keep the bet the two people together when you have the Torah that's combining them together as well we're also familiar with saying in the gamar is when a man and woman marit they have the the presence of God in between them so on a simple level we understand that when husband and wife get along they have shom B they're getting along they have a healthy relationship what happens God rests in their house God the house is full of God's goodness and if not what happens it says if they're not getting along with each other God forbid the name of God the yud from the is the he from the ISA thek disappears and you're only left with the a with the two fires that g that consumes up the house and the reltionship God forbid but if you want to take it on a different level it's sometimes that a the is the and the shin that the man has and the shin that the woman has is what gets them to be together in what sense because in that sense they are similar in the as but the man has the Y and the woman has the ha and when you have the differences sometimes sometimes it depends on what when you have those differences in terms of you see when you have the H when they're both similar that's when it can be fire when it can't be good but when you have the ud and the K sometimes when you have the god the name the differences between the man and the woman that's what keeps the god there that's what keeps AEM in the picture because you both married to each other for a reason and you have your pluses and she has her minuses or you have your minuses and she has the pluses and you're here to work with each other because again you're two halves of one whole n you're here to complete yourselves that's what it's all about and sometimes you're lacking or she's lacking and you have more and she has less and you're here to work with each other to make up to be the Crut sometimes and to help and to encourage and to push and to strive and to motivate and and and you know all these things is to help the relationship to grow so sometimes those differences are good in terms of working on the relationship so don't take it the wrong way and that's what also brings the and brings the Shalom bite into your house so so when it comes to having a healthy relationship okay we all need to be doctors okay and before you go to the real Doctor whether it's whether you know the rabbi the rebit the marriage counsel therapist whatever it is you know you got to put your hand on the pulse of your own relationship now put the hand put your pulse and try to get an idea of where you are holding in the relationship and where your spouse is holding in the relationship and how the relationship as a whole is going where is it headed so I have a little handout um I a little little questionnaire if you want for those that want to have a little test um I don't know if I have enough for everybody if you really want one you can call me or text me whatever it is and I I can get one out to you but one of them is um am I a good partner and um the person that I'm with so it's one for it's one for each of you I guess one for you and one for the other person there's there's one of each um it discussed a lot of the ideas that uh that we discussed here tonight okay to get an idea okay it's it's about one of them has 20 Questions other one has about 26 questions it's yes or no questions again discussing a lot of the ideas that we discussed tonight about a healthy relationship and there's a scoring on the next sheet in terms of trying to figure out again putting the pulse putting your hand on the pulse and trying to figure out do you have a healthy relationship or not it's not the end of the world if you're not doing that great okay if you are doing great that's wonderful keep it going okay keep on rejuvenating keep it going don't put on autopilot you have to keep on working on it okay but if you're having issues I'm not saying I'm a doctor but if you do need to contact myself contact my wife our names and numbers are on the sheets more than welcome to uh discuss whatever um questions that you might have any questions for the audience yes sir okay I just want to double check what is your feelings about religion you know in that aspect if she's more religious your l or you know where should you dat at that point that's it depends where you holding where where are you holding the relationship are you just dating are you not dating I mean unfortunately a lot of times we see couples that that they settle for less in terms of they're on one level and they feel that they can't get anybody else so they opt for something lower um they don't realize what they're getting themselves into sometimes because they might think it's not a problem but down the road it does play a major problem for them and they just they can't deal with it so you really need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself can I be okay with my husband working on Shabbat am I okay with not eating at a kosher restaurant am I okay with doing things that you know again I'm going to extremes but but to understand ask and be honest you know are you ready to give up if you if you're on a level where you know I eat I mean I'm and then I have a guy who who's eating McDonald's I mean that that that that's a problem that's a problem okay yeah any other questions yes sir inurance of expectations before marriage how much can you know or decipher at the beginning in terms of you know there's all kinds of things which come up later on in marriage people have arguments over economics over family issues his family and her family over religious issues so is it something that all these things have to be discussed in detail before optimally yes okay because you want to know what you're getting yourself into okay it's not just again she's a nice girl a nice guy and that's the end of it okay there's more to it than that you're living with somebody sharing the same apartment you know and dealing with the same issues um when I do teach the Katan classes you know one of the the topics that we discussed is was called unrealistic expectations you know people come into marriage with many expectations which are not consciously expressed and and it's problem because everyone has their fantasies and their dreams what married life is supposed to look like and they get frustrated and upset when things just don't go the way they hoped and wish that it it should go and and it's a problem because again it just brings up a lot of frustration a lot of issues a lot of problems and a lot of times if it would have been discussed beforehand you could avoid a lot of the issues that you're dealing with now but once you're married it's it's it's I'm not saying it's too late but it definitely needs to be work on got married if again if you're dating somebody okay I highly recommend you have a nutal third party that you can ask the questions again preferably a rabbi or a marriage uh therapist the counselor who who experienced in terms of uh you know dating issues and and to guide you accordingly in terms of um not not to get you OB say messed up but but but you know in a situation where it's it's harder once you're married to just you know get a divorce and end it that way you know so there definitely needs to be discussed and if you can the more the better I mean you can't discuss everything but uh at least again you you got a very general idea of what you're dealing with especially the major issues that are there okay any other questions once twice three times okay okay thank you very much yes and treat but the girl is not the what would you after how many times okay so the question is I I I don't like to use this rule but are you disgusted by the person by their looks or something you just feel okay with um is it something that you no I'm saying I'm saying in terms of you know the question you need to ask yourself you know the the attraction that's there you know the way the Rab's explain it is that that love can grow over time that you can get to look Beyond just the physical looks there definitely needs to be something there I mean you need to have something that you feel good about being with this person you know and and again you have to be honest with yourself if you really feel that I can't you know again it might be great but I I just can't I I can't you know don't force yourself but definitely speak to somebody who can guide you to make sure that that that attraction that you might feel in terms of that that click that people want to have you know is not what you're really looking for and the attraction that you that you're looking out you know was mentioned before terms of that physical Beauty you know CU over time it will fade so is that what you're looking for or or or is it really something else okay yes is it okay to set up two people who are secular what's the what's the what's the worry what's the word what's what you worry about what's what's the what they do with their lives is not again what you do with their lives is not really your concern if they decide to uh you know to keep the laws uh or not you know you want to get them maybe and you hope and pray that they you know try to guide them the right way that they should definitely be you know I said speak to a rabbi get the classes you know learn try to be inspired try to guide them the right way they should you know if you know them you know try to invite them for Shabbat they should see what what what you know religion Shabbat and Kos all those kind of things and you never know might might click something anything else once twice three times yes no okay tata thank you much have a good night [Applause] [Music]