R' Meilech Sharf - Preparation for Marriage - Atzmi 3

This Torah class is brought [music] to you by tora anytime.com. Possibility. this amazing idea the co-founder and behind the scenes anytime and the biggest thank you that believed in believed in yourself and are looking forward for a beautiful life ahead of us. So fire vacation. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Plain. Beautiful. Beautiful theme was chosen for the theme of relationship. You know what? I want to start to get to know myself. I want to start realizing. I want to start focusing and I want to start realizing what happens very often. Fore bag ideas. for the trains. The trains and trains. for the boss and traffic. I can't in a way where maybe might be scared. We rather not discover outside of my little cubicle. comfortable. I don't want to try it. So, taste it. Enjoy it. out there and we try to encourage the the client please join us and please come on the train and it was a very slow process especially Israelis right Israelis they have their zakistan are going on trains they're used to sitting on the buses the double buses you know this is It's part of the shorts. You don't get on the bus. It's like I don't know if anybody can relate what I'm talking about. of the machine I don't speak no Hebrew me English putting this and me asks me why would the person put the credit card when he knows it's not going to work they try to convince people please start using the trains with bosses especially into the green with the pollution. They would try to convince people up until four months into the roots. We don't do those type of things. But so that is the in massive massive accidents. A train derailed casualties. I got bruised up, banged up, accident. The train went off the rails and bruised up. You know, it was a big patch for the Medina that were trying to build up a massive program in few months into our program. A massive accidentalizing cell phones. All these types of things. Fort andchech. We're supposed to be more than that. That's exactly what I wanted to do. Like I'm ready. I'm ready for impact. Obviously, you know, nothing's going to happen. I'm waiting for impact. And in front of their eyes 100 meters from the from the walked up from the tracks. I finished him off. He's gone. And that's what happens when we're not clear with our goal, our destination. when they doctors from the station what was his next anybody he wanted to arrive he wanted to arrive to the next station but something happened in the middle it's he got on a certain he got very personal with this cow so he said one second I forgot about my real destination which is station number He totally became oblivious. Oblivious. Totally oblivious. Huh? Oblivious. What a totally sidracked is when we look back at our life looking backing for so many years with so many couples and so many people 99% of times when people go through things it wasn't a pre-planned thing I decided this is what I want to do. Something happens in the middle, but it's very very rare. You know, that's not something usually that we would see. First of all, it's recorded so you know we kind of want to play the game but that's not something that is a normal clue to go. I haven't yet met I guess I haven't I have met but it's very very rare to meet a standing I don't think we talk about what it means but he doesn't relationship. So he has a very clear goal where he wants to go. He's very clear where the lifestyle he wants to live. Sitting over here has that constantly. We all hear that. It's not like we would actually stand and you know the lights start dim over here. But everybody has that basal from within. It doesn't matter. We all have we all have that moment where we, you know, the calculator in the back of the You never made any phone calls like the most dirtiest history is a clean history. I mean, you never searched anything. you never worry the calculator. That's we have a big phone to play with the calculator. But the idea is as the we all have that that moment in our life where it's that needle the back. It's that needle back and it's that hard reset. It's like I want something and we you know reevaluate and we see our goal and then something else happens in our life and then what happens we again lose focus on what our goal is. That's what is. So if you want to listen that refresh button over the ear pads Fore switch. To certain extent we all are very clear what our goal was. Something happens in the middle, we we lose sight. As this conductor, he was very clear in the passengers. He wants to get safely bring them all to their destination. He get our personal fight with the cow. We all have that cow in our life. No, I'm not doesn't necessarily a cow, but the cow kept in many different forms. situation family member personally past experience fear from something physical emotional limitation with the host. There's something that comes into your life that we just lose focus. And once we lose focus, we're on it. We're that's it. We go we go on a trip. Hello. But he's now in that certain bubble that he he just can't get out of it. And that's what Shabasim is doing for us. We're stopping. We're taking that needle. We're popping that bubble. Let's get out. Let's refresh and realize what's our goal. The way how we gonna succeed in life if we could always take that moment. We look forward. and I'll never forget he told us one of the most amazing ways how to get out of the woods he walks in circles. Anybody heard the idea but he walks in circles. Get all the way around and before you know it, realize. So the years and now tomorrow morning you have to wake up and start all over again. There's no but I'm never going to lose sight of that tree. I have to reach that tree. It could take me an hour, could take me two hours, it could take me a whole day. My goal is nothing is going to sidetrack me. Sienna. Eventually, I don't know how long they will take because I don't know how big the woods are. you are going to be out of the woods because you're going in very precise straight moving forward way. The problem with life is the second you lose focus from that goal is to take away our focus from where we were. We all have that and we all want that. I don't believe anybody came to want that because if you won't want that, you won't be here. The biggest proof that you want that is because you came. Rabbi Shariff, I'm not here because I want to be here. My wife forced me to come. Interesting. When you walked in my door, I didn't see you I didn't see her pulling you on a leash. I I saw you actually physically walked yourself into my office. So, what was she where she forced you to come? You know, if you walked here, you you actually drove a doctor if I'm not mistaken. deep deep down somewhere there you also want to come for a reason for this purpose the biggest to the biggest challenge everything is for one reason to take away our sight from realizing the goal. Once we lose that sight, that's it. We That's it. I'll just take away your goal. Is a dance. And that's why is here. We want to reestablish our goals. We have a triangle. What's that? Now if we realize the way a triangle works the goal the brighter is so when we're younger we have more room to shift the closer we reached to our goal reach our goal. So we have to always realize what is that now we could buy the most sophisticated GPS ways Google Maps. If you're not going to put a destination circles for all I care if you do not enter a destination, you're not getting anywhere. If he is not gonna put a destination what his goal is clear no we have to visualize our destination. That's the goal of life. What is my job? What is my goal? Starter. What is my goal? What do I want to reach? Now being that this shabas, the title of the shabas was titled relationship. I didn't see it anywhere. It's relationships. Relationships. I saw my come in a theme. Huge sign. Relationships. Man with God. Yourself. Say relationships. Man with God with yourself. Relationship with your friends, with your wife, with your kids. Like, you know, come on. It's about relationships. Relationship. Huh? Yeah. No. Any other words? Anybody wants to help me out of here? Relationships. So relationship relationship. What does that exactly mean? >> Huh? >> Which language that >> Okay. That's the best. So we want to build the idea of a relationship or as he calls it a type of thing and that will enhance. Now, if we're not gonna be very clear and very straightforward, a very push to identify as I paint the picture, right? A couple coming to me, what do you want in life? I've never had someone tell me, I want to be miserable. It was miserable. Happily married. Now, that's very clear, but I have no idea what means. I have no goal. I have no idea what means. I have no idea what it means. I have no idea what these things mean. These are nice things in And that's basically was the whole like that's now I have no idea what a true and bias means. I have no idea how to eat it up. I have no idea what identify means. So the first thing we have to do when we're told about a goal to a future it's about going somewhere you have to start identifying where do I want to go because to remove yourself from the goal. Everything from you when you walk out of this room to is to blind you to take you away from the ultimate goal that you want. Not the goal. with the ultimate go what you want you created here for a purpose on movies telephones doesn't matter what it is is there to take you away and ourness in this world is not to lose sight of that tree of that stone of whatever that thing is wherever I am in any situation with cheesecake it doesn't matter in any situation where I am or what I'm doing I have to always stay on that goal and that of focusing very strongly this is get build with yourself with yourself a relationship now we'll have to identify what word relationship means as of now we'll we'll do that slowly but we have to start identifying we want to all have with ourselves a relationship ship right marriage is not a place we where happiness gets created. Marriage is an opportunity to share happiness that you already possess. Obviously so I could share it with somebody to have a reason to be happy but not ultimately marriage is not going to change you know I'm sending you my song what you can do in 20 years it's mentionion The idea what we could do with a let's say when I'm in the field that I work with is we can give them a goal to give you a goal where do you want to get to because workshops for you know bottle bottle. You know that's cheating of the cork from the van bottle, right? That's also true. But the idea is that we have to realize that In other words, workshops, you know, I don't want to have the relationship that my parents and grandparents I that I don't want. So, I'm really stuck. I don't have to emulate going there. You heard about army? under crazy stress. special spiritual style. So they climb mountains. dangerous. I think it's the Rocky Mountains. It's called the last home. The fire ranger rangers. Enter at your own risk. A group of hikers that are stranded on some cliff init four people. for mention. Hello pictures, the sunrise, the sunset, the night bag, the techniques, It means that a lot of the important necessities Depression rabbits getting ready for the night. The way creature a creature Whoever is slowly slowly smiled. Hi, I good person. What's the way out? How do I get out of this place? How to get out? I have no idea. trail is not the way out. Many times in life I meet people I know very clearly what I don't want in life. I have no idea what I want for my life. Okay. Okay. Y'all um blank like I just threw a brick at him like no I never thought I have no idea what I want. I'm just so a goal is to be very clear and as giving those goals in the mitten and that's where the real you want to go. So it's all about building a relationship with atne with yourself. How do we define relationship? Fore healthy hose greenhouse. But hello beautiful. Hello. There's a path. There's a way to get there. If we don't have the tools, if we don't have the awareness, we're just going to give up because We got the parking lot parking. Uh in the front, mommy. That's it. That's it. on the big gas station. The gas station is in the front. is that that's the most painful. You can't even do that. So really, come on. It's painful. I know. I feel pain. I feel it's very painful. I know is that the the idea is that we're always getting so confused with what we do want. So we want to start working solid visual. for the is the foundation foundation. This is the foundation of your life. You're going to be living the next 70 years, 80 years. I don't think any of arriving 120. I think last week the oldest old person died 114. I don't think I'm making it either. If I make 100 maxity. Okay. Let's look at ourselves. So the foundation different situations in our life situations. I'm bored. There's also challenges that we have for our own benefits. But there are there are many things that happen. The reactions the way how we deal with life. But a lot of things happen the way how we're establishing ourselves now in the how we're establishing ourselves. There's no big changes. the fourth the the foundation happens now our awareness our conscious awareness what is my goal so because the theme being relationships let's start identifying and being very clear with what the word relationship means relationship now as relationship ship relationship man with God relationship a person with himself which actually I think we have to start a person with himself man with God and now with his wife or now it's going to be you know you with your roommates or you know so how do we identify the v relationship Now the idea is mention we all know that's not a relationship I don't know if it's a part of the Bike experience the the sea the the the peak of our relationship. If we're both walking up the steps the same time Shabas morning and you have that very uncomfortable feeling, you're like get extremely uncomfortable. It reminds me of elevator is the one of the most hardest awkwards awkward moment awkward and Maximum weight 2,000 pounds. There was this their eyes with the other guy and fast look away. You don't know what it's painful. Then there was the phone. So I keep all the contacts. Shabas telephone uncomfortable. So the fathers and that's the idea. Being with another person in a room won't necessarily make you feel connected. In other words, I've met many people. They're living together for 10 or 15 years in the same house. They have a joint bank account. They have cars together. They bought a house together. They have kids. They even have a paper that's called a marriage license. And they're not married yet. I mean, okay, they are theoretically married, but I think we all realize they are not married yet. I don't think anybody here wants such a a relationship if that's what we call relationship. on the ink. The Best and they did not get the closest. So deep relationship based on what? And what are you basing that? And they did not acquire becoming your best friend is why you assuming that once I get married and see my wife in one house then we will become have a deep relationship. Look, it doesn't work that way. foreign. Okay. And yet nothing else. Very sweet guy, very amazing. I was probably I just don't know him. There is abs zero relationship with the person. Physically we might be in the same house but there is no relationship. And for did I have a relationship with myself relationship or maybe I did I just don't know what relationship means identifying relationship happily married and that's not going to work for us. So we want to start going down on that of identifying n relationship period. Okay. So once we did that when we made it very clear let's start going there is the marriage is the couple in the couple you know his name and When married, what's the term that the uses on the relationship between? Huh? >> Very beautiful. I'll explain on a deeper level what that means. Huh? addresses. >> I had a couple walk into my office around six months ago. We'll go for that. If I meet earlier, okay, it happens very often. How's life? How's everything? I have a question for you. Vanilla ice cream. I don't know. I'm only married for a week, so no problem. Okay. It's acceptable. Anniversary. How's it going? about vanilla ice cream. Does anybody here think there's something wrong with that marriage? H why? Huh? Okay. We don't live in Uganda. In Uganda, there's no ice cream stores. Oh, but living here ice cream store. If you don't know if she does or doesn't like ice cream, what does that mean? There's no That's crazy. No, >> there's no idea. You didn't start knowing about you no interest in our you didn't start the ABC of something called moving towards a specific relationship which we get into the defined relationship of the idea of D because the relationship really is up over here very very little attribute to the idea of physical We are deeper than the closest even though we're physically so far away. Relationship created idea of our physical life. Of course, we'll talk about that over Shabas. We need a physical partner relationship otherwise there is no relationship. We'll get there also as well. But the idea is with communication. foreign. What does that mean? But you're not married. So if you want, you can get married here in my office. We can start getting married. You know, can start you're not going to get married. you can start a process of getting married and uh hopefully within a couple of months you're going to be able to be married because at this point you're not I can't I can't classify you as husband or wife you might be partners roommates that we could call you but I can't even identify you as married a couple came over to me this was back in America couple it was a type of couple started speak English to him. I do have pretty good English. I used to have better now. So, I'm losing a little bit. So, but used to have pretty good English and uh English. Yeah, I speaking English. I'm perfectly okay. It's fine. Bahamas jungle in Africa. What happened was he was married for five years when he came into me. Him and his wife married five years. Their first baby, their oldest was at that time 8 months old. the images. I'm not show reaction. So bench covered. Now what happened was at one point. So a lot of his liquid I guess was put into the house and so he wasn't able to now uh be all over the place. So, actually after supper, he actually had to sit down on that big expensive $10,000 couch that he had. And actually, wait, who is that person sitting on the other couch? And when I started going into again, I tell you, I was shocked. I the first time I was literally shocked how little they know about each other. I'm talking about the ABCs. marriage. A successful marriage. I was shocked again. I'm talking on a deeper level. What is her dreams? How does she want to be in two years? I asked her No, I did nothing about him. Nothing. I'm talking about nothing. Again, in other words, what I realized then was such an eye openener to all of us. I mean, it wasn't the same for them that was to divert to to distract them from building a relationship. In other words, the kayaking, zand the bungee jumping, zand the parachuting, zand the Dubai, everything was used because it's uncomfortable being with a person who I don't know who he is. So, let's talk about the waterfalls. Let's talk about the bun. Let's talk about the crazy pictures. Let's get a lot of likes on crazy things that we're doing. Let's do the most sickest poses and that's how we'll become and that's all they're living for. But anything that is so obviously at this point where they start feeling so uncomfortable with each other, they realized there is zero relationship. There is no d I'll tell you was a big mistake from my part. I made a mistake and I What are the most painful things when I give a one of the most painful I couldn't help you then. I gave I somewhere think it was a I just married off a month ago my youngest child what what should I do now? Is there any way of wow why didn't I know any of this when what I was had the kids at home that's it I have no kids at home anymore what should I do now there's any way to rebuild my fatherly connection with my kids at this you you are there now painful is the couple only met five years when they realized there was no relationship they realized there's no relationship and we just start working on a relationship get to know each other whatever we work with them how painful is it at one point in our life there is I have zero relationship with myself and We get lost. The connection is a pause one second. What's my goal? Irish amazing thing of before you're going to jump into that very busy world that's going to totally sidetrack you from anything. Take 12 seconds. 12 seconds. Start your day with 12 seconds. 12 seconds just to stop. Who am I? Why am I here? And what my goal today is going to be. Thank you, Hashem. Oh, so thank you. You gave me back my soul. I'm full of appreciation. That's it. 12 seconds. I was able to refocus, reestablish. What does that stop for a second? Stop a second. Let's refocus. And that's what chabas me is. If that stop, take it easy. Take a deep breath. Get to know yourself. There's so much potential over here. Aiden is mention. Get to know yourself. Get to focus will be relationships. As we said today for closure, relationships is you have to get to know yourself. You have to stay focused on what I want. We are going to go off track that I including myself. We all go off track. That's what the make that's our we all go off track. mistakes. I'll never get back on track. for cleaning the floor. The floor. Now there's two problems. The problem is That's a problem. So we are because nothing happened. Nothing really got dirty. Nothing really took effect. It doesn't work that way. It's not we all lose track. We all fall off. It's Allah from the cliff. We all have our challenges. That's that's he remembered the goal. I remember the goal. All you Jews, you know why you slipped? Because you're a Jew. Because I'm a Jew, I stood up. That's a Jew. That's who we are. We're all going to fall because I'm a Jew. I stood up. Enjoyed the program. You've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by [music] to anytime.com.