R' Avichai Cohen - A Soldier of Hashem - Atzmi 3

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com. My name is um thanks. I'm thanking for the sweet to come here speak. I apologize ahead. As you can hear, English is not my first language or my second Yiddish. is hardly my third. So is out of the picture. English would be the main and if I make any mistakes or blend a bit of Yiddish or broken Hebrew for any kind of embarrassing mistake that could come without a shame the the lecture today is a what they all call auishi a personal life story people like that it's a bit easier not too heavy and altogether people like some uh to hear some things that are a bit different to be honest I hardly say this story anymore I'm 52 years old thank you is for every day of living being a father and grandfather whatever you were born into and naturally you're not even aware of the good that you're in because you're in the in the world but coming from outside thanking every today um all the time. Don't worry. Let them breathe. Okay. So, 29 years in Chuva. Somebody asked me what do you mean chuva? You're not about more years than about said don't take this title away about Chiba is not only somebody who secular become every person that goes forwards and grows is about chan these things are pushit what are we going to do in the coming whatever it is not too long it depends on you um I'll share with the this story that I went through and we'll open maybe with a idea that happened 19 years ago 10 years At the beginning of Chuva, I went to a university. Um, they called me a secular university, big uh group of psychologists. They wanted to hear about Chuva. Private story. I was 10 years in Chuva. I went there and started telling, they called me for an hour. I stretched for 2 hours. Don't worry, I wouldn't like it to stretch, but I stretch on purpose. And they were like, they were sitting with pen pens and papers and analyzing me like a monkey in the zoo. Apple cha is a funny animal you know kicks after like 2 hours I said any questions when are you leaving but they didn't ask us one raised the hand and said to me like this excuse me sir can I be honest with you I said please do but it goes both ways okay can I analyze you I said you're doing it for 2 hours what's the analysis he said to me listen how many years you're in chuba I said 10 how many times at that time did you tell the story I said listen I can't figure exactly minimum 2,000 what the guy what they were all shocked I said maybe even 22 25 or 3,000 2,000 for sure said to me listen I got to be honest with you how can it be that you don't fall sleep through how many times can you say I was this I was this I was sh okay one time 10 times 100 times Okay. 2010 years, you know what it means? Almost every two days you tell your story. I said, "So what do you want to say?" He says to me, "My dear friend, you're stuck between the worlds." Said, "What do you mean?" He said, "Bashoot, but you were secular or you were searching for the Amist." Okay, I understand this. You found the Amis wherever it is. Go into beta midrash, close the door and never leave it. You found the am. It's not working that way. You are searching for the MS. You found it. And every two days you tell about the past. You're stuck between the worlds. Well, you said this something. What do you say about this? I said is you're right. Said to me that's it. I said not exactly, but altogether I can understand your approach. said, "There's another approach." I said, "Yes, please let's hear it." I said to him, "You didn't get one thing. You asked me how come I not fall asleep through." I'll explain to you your dear psychologist. The story is only a cover up of what happened to me in the past. It happens to me also today. The same thing, my inner movement of fighting, of searching, I have today also. I do it. But it's the same person. I did not change inside. I just shifted to another playground. When I come to you as a psychologist, I'm giving you I'm talking you new language. But the movement is the same today. But you can't understand this cuz you have no toy. You don't understand what's punius on the outside. You're right. It's boring. The same story again. I told this psychologist. I'm opening with this. Today it's going to bore me. It means I'm disconnected from my own nephish. So I'm coming again here to share with this life story whatever comes out it's a long story I don't make it it's matter of can whatever is going to come out and I hope it's going to be for you because I think pretty much today but it's a and I hope you enjoy it and have for you you're already into without and warning The last one I said the story in the beginning in the beginning a guy came to me at the end mister I said rabbi he called me a rabbi but he said rabbi rabbi for the story he said to me do you really expect me to believe this story what it's a nice story do you expect me to believe it I said why Not he said the like to exaggerate don't overextend do it with tact because when you overextend nobody believes nothing it can't be this did not see this presentation was a shim with no presentations at that time today what I what I do is before I start going into the story as it is I show the presentation what's the idea of the presentation it's to give what I'm talking All right. Excuse me for the old presentation. It's not the the the quality is far away from being a good quality, but it serves us the points I went through before I become Buba. I'm going to use this in the beginning. So then we go through the story. It's going to be easy to listen and put up the inbetweens. What you're going to see now is a 14minut presentation which is divided into three pieces. Piece number one, is me being a soldier in the deal. Don't worry, you're better than you much better. You can be a I was in I was in the of the Nazis. I came out. I know what what's happening there. So do the same from the outside. I'll say it from the inside. Just know about even though What you're going to see here is a part of me in the army as an officer. I was an officer in special forces in the army. These forces, the idea at the time was um to eliminate terrorists in the in in Aza and in Yudabon dressed up like Arabs. we have to dress like up like an Arab, disguised like an Arab, go into the those zones and shoot down terrorists uh in the West Bank. So I was there for almost six years as a soldier because it's a everybody has a game of three years but it's your name X for double okay some burnt okay why am I showing this because if I say people are hard to believe and we made it today people see everything anyway toughness they must say but this is the situation we have nothing to lose so you're going to see a bit of where I was you're going to see me you guys not going to recognize me after this part is another part which is totally different. It's a more the world of uh of making money, seeing the world at the time which Kim wants to believe as a famous top international model by Vaseli almost sleepless. Never mind you see me here dressed up a bit different. You see the third one part is me in the Israeli TV. I was very famous at the time in a in a big talk show explaining why did what is it that I found that I didn't have before all together this is where it ends and then I will start to fill out the story from a certain aspect that I think that we could benefit and that's it unless afterwards you have questions I'll be happy to try and answer any okay so you can put it up um Okay, that's my picture today. Black and white. Oh, okay. >> Okay. Well, this is me. Whatever you're going to see is me. Okay, I put the volume of it down. I used to do a lot of martial arts with the years uh before the army and through the army. All I was laughing got the black belt mascus. Yeah, kids. I used to do it for many years. It was u as a preparation for the army uh being brainwashed uh the way I grew. Okay. Uh this is a uh was a bigger movie in the YouTube uh for kisham at that time 15 years ago. So I just put these things in. This is me at the time also. Okay. What you're going to see here now it's called battle for life. Uh, I know you don't have a YouTube, but if you have a secular friends that they do have, you can tell that they can see it there. Okay, this is 1993, the '9s, like for me in the 60s. Okay, this is me at the end of course. It's a big man. It took me years to get out of it. Um, it's a big like Holocaust survivors that came out from the Holocaust. Took me years. This is me at the end of the course. uh half a year course I finished uh and put a bit lower just me at the end of the course. Yeah. Salim. Okay. What are you going to see now? This is a um the first time this unit was exposed. All this idea of dressing up like Arabs and going in was a new idea by uh coming 1886. of I recruit to this unit after 4 years. The idea was as you see it to get dressed up like Arabs and go in. Of course, uh they don't understand that what is causing the is we I didn't know it yet. Okay. So, I'm talking here as I was then somebody like me which looks even European. We had to learn to dress up like Arabs, be very professional. Okay. This was until this was uh uh all over it was top secret. Nobody knew about this unit. We used to do a eliminating work and nobody knew what's going on. Okay. What you see here at that time is many years ago. Uh the people you see that walking there are 15y old kid. The guy walking in right now to the screen and the guy limping behind him is an Arab. It's a soldier, not an Arab. uh you go in until you get the order and then you can take out the gun and do whatever you're going to do. Even the woman walking in the right hand side, right there, you're going to see a woman walking the right hand side. Uh this woman is a soldier. Okay. Lilbash wouldn't know it then. Um kids. So you get an order and then you do what you got to do. Either you shoot down, either you catch mostly. So the idea was to go in to surprise to eliminate and uh back out. That was the idea at the time. Okay, all the idea is which we're going to use as an element is that you have to work with the brain without feeling. You can't work with feelings. You have to work like a robot. We're going to use this as an element of working with. Okay. This is also soldiers getting close to the the Yeah. Then going in. Yeah. Nobody stops. So they can get till the destination and go in without being stopped by any Arab before. So the explanation here is that the idea is to be very very clear and focused. Know exactly what you got going to do. Do the preparations and not be moved or triggered emotionally by nothing. Just be a robot and do the work the best. If you have any emotion working, you're out of the game. Okay. Why did they uh um expose the unit? Of course, polit politic politica um this is uh okay me and officers talking explaining that we're not killing innocent people only those that we know that we have blood blood on their hands and the matur the target is not to kill but just to eliminate terror whatever it takes it takes okay that was the message to the at that time behind that we're not killing innocent people okay so this is a secular approach of course but that's what happened then so I'm uh being uh loyal to the story. Okay. Um training with special weapon, small guns, not long guns, things they can put up under the jalabia. What you see is mini Uzi. It's a clan weapon that they can fold in that they can walk can walk with. Nobody sees uh the weapons when you use were special weapons, not regular. We could do the work the best. By the way, here the article, so they said that this is going to solve the problem of the Arab rebel. Of course, it went only worse until we do cha push it. But at that time, they were sure this is going to solve the problem. Okay. Um this is getting dressed up. Okay, we had to learn this very very very thorough. How to get dressed up like an Arab, sometimes like an old person, sometime with a how do you say a cover on your head? You have to know sometimes like a woman. It depends if you're sitting in a car. If you're walking, I'm 6'2. I can't dress get dressed up like a woman. But as an old man walking or a woman sitting in a car, if I don't have to go out, this is doable. And you learn how to get dressed up like an Arab in 3 4 minutes do the work. um if you do the wrong move or wear the wrong dress, you don't come back home alive. Okay. What you see now here at that time, one of the people here is a double agent. The other one is a wanted person. This is a gentle operation. No killing, just a kidnapping in the middle of a village in the next to Gamala. Okay. So, the double agent brings him to this place. He doesn't know what's going on. He's leaning at the car and the double agent is diverting him not to see what's happening. Mas in the street you see three people coming inside. These are soldiers dressed up like an Arab. Nobody even thinks something is wrong here. And he's diverted. The minute he already understands it's too late. Okay. So they get close to him. Everything looks normal. Okay. Everything's uh 3 2 one down. Okay. And then they just uh pull him out of the street either shoot down whatever it is. It looks simple. It's a very complicated uh operation going back to uh evacuate out without being caught. Okay, this is the idea. Two years after this is me as an international Israeli model who okay I was I was the first trained model uh supposed to work in the famous shows in Italian and France. These pictures were filmed in Italia, Baltimore, in Spain, in France, in London. Of course, it was the only things that are not against the sea and the dynam world went very fast. The beginning success there was almost impossible. And I found myself in a very short time shows up at time, you know. That was a one of big talk show almost 2 million live. I I got this stage because I was going to work in Italia and want to give me a stage for uh public relations uh doing a lot of money here interview what's my agenda in life by the minute do whatever you want don't bother the other whatever it is it is me whatever it is it is the option It's the same thing you show on the way back. You're going to see it in a second. >> This is the same TV show only on the way back. I said before what I said here when he spoke different he's asking why did he do this why did he go the money very famous and why he doing said look the question what is life for is a question that you have to face you can't run away from the classroom so I made I want to say I succeeded I didn't go back to judism to depress okay everything was running okay I had time to think to ask questions and to follow the answers the whole way. Um the way you see it, you know, um everything was was the best. You're right. But at the end of the day, the question, what is the meaning of life? What's behind is the question and you should ask the question yourself and don't ignore the except for why should believe you. Maybe you're manipulator and said you shouldn't believe me. I might but check the hearing. My message was to not show me don't believe me but search for the and don't deny what you find. That was a a message that went through to every secular because it wasn't talking about religion or hem saying just he can't know what I told him. Hey, what's there? What's there? You could have check. It's okay. Put the volume back. Leave it for another minute. >> Okay. This is the wedding musician. Okay. But hello. Okay. The next part I'll just put the it's already with the subtitles >> in English so it's easier. This is tested already 15 years ago. 60 years ago. The message Yeah, maybe. She What you want to do now? You get the key short. Yeah. Healthy healthy children. All the resting every day after the pictures we're going to go into the story which I would like to add that was not on the screen here. The story here started at the age of 18 army but I want to go long before age of 10. I grew up my parents are amazing people but I grew up in an environment of tradition. I wasn't religious tradition but the idea of you know kipu kash shabas not boyhood was not foreign from me. I heard about it. I knew what it is basically and where I grew up when you came to mitzvah. So they call you a rabbi they prepare you for basic things and the rabbi said to me what do you think about mitzvot? I was 13 years old. I was a a big religion mitzvah. It's the biggest boring thing in the world. What? It's boring. The same ding, the same, everything repeats itself. It's boring. The rabbi was shocked and he gave me a patch in the morning. Lucky for him, I was ready then brown belt. I moved back because if we hit it back, no rabbi. >> I said, "Can you hear me like this?" >> Yeah. Yeah. >> For the puzzle. Rabbi said, "Rabbi, what is this?" He said to me, "How can you talk this way on the toilet?" I said, "I do what I want." He asked me a question. There's the answer. And if you don't have an answer, it's not a way to attack back. You can say, "I don't know." What do you mean? I said, "Listen, I was 13. You got to admit the You got to admit the religion is choking. You can't do what you want. You can't have fun." And I started putting into Pety what it means pawn bik. So I said look you believe Hashem created the world fine but you know something he's holding you from enjoying life. You can't enjoy life as a religious person. The rabbi gave me another pion upon him. This time I was careful more. I just went away. But I was young and understood one thing. This guy has no answer for a good question at that time. Why is Hashem preventing me from enjoying life? A good question for a kid. So I wasn't religious but the question is starting to grow 13 and a half 14 start say wait a minute until I'm asking the question why is Hashem preventing me from enjoying started say who says it's ml why do I have to listen to kipu why who said and I start building an agenda was a clever boy starting questioning everything that moves make the long story short before you go to the army it's important for uh for the Navi elements at the age of 16 I was out out of home you have to understand where I grew out of home out of the system of school I rebelled the system of school but I rebelled with meaning to say I could sit in the class you don't know what it is you had to you have to do 12 years you have to have a certificate but you did all the test mathematical physical and when I sit in the class. I had a lot of knowledge. I learned chick and I'm questioning the comes the teacher says something and say hey mister on the other on the other on the other book even worse than before on the other book it says the opposite okay why should I believe you so they start giving me answers I said but the third book says the opposite also said they couldn't take me I understood one thing I was 16 and a half one point eyes on a victim of a society society is brainwashing me to some agenda and why should I listen to it why my agenda is and boyfriends don't get me wrong I'm talking now at the age of 16 and a half I'm playing the game for the show of stories then my agenda is live by the day enjoy your life until it finishes wherever it is So I leave school I leave home was being very brave because what what are you going to do without learning in school? My mother cried please 12 years get the certificate I said mommy for what how how can succeed in life how I know ignorant people make millions sophisticated people have nothing but it's a fact please please for me for you okay but don't let don't tell me to do it cuz it's right to do it may be right it may be wrong it's a matter the way you look at it this don't Tell me it's right to do it. Say I feel it's right for me. Ah this is here. So good for you. I said to my mother I went to the test. Took me four months. I did the whole thing. 10th grade I leave school. After school they go to work. Started working from the age of eight I do martial arts. I love sports that I'm doing and I started working having my own life nothing to do with religion. No ko, no cautious, no p of foolish, even the basics that I heard at home or you know nothing I nothing against religion by the way that's good for you but don't tell me what to do okay you want to do so whatever you want this agent age of 16 17 I decide I'm leaving to Europe I don't want to recruit to the army why go to the army understand like nobody did the purpose where I grew but this is the brave or hard point that I grew in I said for what I want to leave by the day I'm not going to any army people try to argue with me I said what are you saying an agenda that you were brainwashed into I'm not buying I'm going to die for nothing. So I left age of 17 and a half I came back and I decided to recruit to the army it was special. If you ask me what do you want? The same story with the kabun. When I went to the test of this unit which was top secret after all the test yeah they went through a lot of tests. The ending test was 300 questions which were contradicting the each one. Get a see if you were like clear with yourself. And the last question was what is your main motive to recruit to a good unit? I said to the guy interesting, challenging, worth trying. He looks at me. I didn't ask what you going to the benefit. I said what's your motive? I said the benefit interesting challenging said to me your test is phenomenal. But if I ask you like this I can't accept you. I said why not? He said why not? I can't accept you. You can go. I said to mister why not? He said for me you're you're out of the unit. I said, "I don't care. You could die. The unit could die. I don't care." But as a matter of curiosity, why not? And then I said, "Ah, ask it. Ask the question again." Said to me, "It's already too late. Ask it again." He was like, he was curious. He said, "What's moving you?" I said, "What do you mean? What's moving me?" To give to the nation. I started playing the whole stupid game with the kept. I said, "That's a great answer. Now you can accept me." Tell them you're stupid cuz I don't care about you and you don't care about me. Okay, let's be honest. This is the don't you want to hear stories of ideologia? She says it was shocked. Said we wait here a psychologist from another unit said what do you say about this guy? I said again psychologist told him listen this guy is is very clearcut. >> Why don't you want to accept him? He said, "No, you don't think about donating." He said, "Yeah, but he's honest. All those that told you the stories you want to hear may be lied. At least here you know what you're buying." I said to the officer, "You have what to sell to me? I'm looking for challenge. I'm looking for growth, self-growth. And I'm asking to give my sh don't sell me stories about army and I maybe some shields." He accepted it. Why am I saying this? I didn't go into the army because of Eidologia. When I went in, I grew on it. I didn't I was very honest the man. I'm going to die anyway. Might as well. I didn't hate Arabs. I didn't love ye I didn't care about this. You know, even in the army, but it was a challenge. I was a 18-year-old kid to go with the we don't put the in the right place in the opposite place. It's not and I go into this unit. This unit is top secret. When I didn't even know what it is, nobody told you nothing. You had no idea. But when I go in there, one thing was made. They told us I remember in the beginning I always say when I don't show the presentation, this whole story more clear. If they told us the words you have, I heard the word in the army. Somebody told me once, no on my heart. I'm moving with it. I'm using the emotions. I'm using my emotions. I'm using the emotions. They told us kill your heart. Kill the heart. Why? Because we work with emotion to make mistakes. We're afraid. We don't need this. I told one to go there. No judge for me. But even as a secular person, I don't understand why if I would know where I'm going if I wouldn't do it because they're going to kill your heart and say it's a plus. It's a triple bull. No, no emotion and thinking you're healthy. If you understand your mentally ill, spiritually ill, mentally ill, if you take the illness, it's a problem. All this I didn't know that I going to 1990 of course agenda was a Arab comes to kill me I have to kill before this is the agenda agenda is not the comes to kill mele oh this is for care this is a go approach we had no idea and I'm recruited into this unit starting to go to a year and a half 70 months of training Main training was feel the emotion. If you feel anything, you're out of the game. And they check you 24/7. I'll give you some examples to understand. First four months. 4 months. Schedule. You go to sleep 1:00 a.m. You wake up 5:00 a.m. You sleep with the uniform the whole week on the dripping dripping tent. It's done. If you wake up 5:00 a.m. plus 1 second, you're out of the game. throw you away from the unit while you were late. Only a second seconds hour you can't be late. Time is start time. Now you couldn't have two mistakes. One mistake. 21 minutes of eating. 7 minutes each meal. That's it. What about I wouldn't be there. Yeah. I would know kids are late 1 second. Come on. 21 minutes of eating, 4 hours of sleeping, 19 hours, 39 minutes. Every second is measured. I told my kids once when they were in Shiva that I would have to use 10% of the effort they put in the puts. I was three shots and pierced twice before without being a joking hours. Now, it's not only this. It's functioning under pressure, but you don't feel the pressure cuz it closed out. You test it all the time by cameras and unseen microphones that are working better than just one seen and for every small move of work you do. I'm not joking today all the time. They see me, they hear me. Watch yourself. Be focused. Do what you got to do. You can't say I'm tired. I miss my friends. I miss home and the market. You got to do what you got to do. We were accepted. Of,00 wanted this unit. 72 were accepted. Seven survived the training after a year and five months. 90% fell out for whatever you don't need. Inaccuracy in one second. If you said something which is not accurate, you're out of the leg and you come to the middle. What's the time? Well, take your bag. >> Why? You ask for the time, right? They told you to answer. No. Why did he answer without permission out? That's the other word all all the time. Give another example. It was like fourth week. Fourth week used to go to sleep 1:00 a.m. You can't talk. Each night you have three minutes that we can whisper to each other in the tent from 1 to 10 or three then go to sleep. One night we go in the tent. It's just one example to understand that sh away. You go in the tent and we get order. You can't talk at all three minutes. Okay. Silence. Everybody goes in whatever it is. You can't say anything dark. Everybody puts a sleeping bag and one of the bim by mistake turns around and hits his friend with the elbow in the eye. Boom. No. As he said, "Sorry." As he said, "Sorry," he called him from whoever spoke out. God says to the commander, "ander, did you speak?" "No, sir, I did not." So why did they come out? You speak. I said the word speak. I must kill my friend. Nothing special. I said, "You said a word." Yeah, you spoke. You have to take your bags out. That's how it work. So why was saying the story specific didn't end there? This book was understood have nothing to lose. And he answered the commander which is a dangerous thing to do. Said to him why you throw me away for one word. Why you're losing a good soldier, a talented soldier special one. was also unafashed until he loses a we listen to pretend commander said to him you know something but the miles he said it's true that we have so I'll tell you something once in a few months I give a second chance you just took it with two hands I'm giving you something to do you're going to do 100% they're back in. It was very rare situation. It was already 1 10 1 a.m. He tells them, "Listen, everybody has to wake up 5:00 a.m. you they gave him a compass. There's no compass." Well, that's fair. He gave him and they told him to run to some mountain and on top of the mountain there's a big pole surrounds the pole and come back instead of going to sleep for a few hours he had they told him to do this thing what they didn't tell him is that it's it's like 7 miles to do the whole thing with the whole equipment gets a master this guy goes out instead going to sleep and comes back after 3 hours it's 410 he has 15 gets left to sleep but give the mission. Comes back and tells the commander, "Sir, I did what you told me." Okay. Go to sleep in the tent. 4:10 now. 5:00 a.m. He carry on with the group. The book goes to sleep. The commander waits 7 8 minutes. He calls the guard. Wake him up. Wake him up. Wake him up. He comes out. Yes, sir. Did you surround the phone? Yes, sir. Go to sleep. Right there goes back to sleep. Commander waits another second time. Show him. Wake him up. Wakes him up for a second time. Yes, sir. Did you surround the ball? Yes, sir. I did. Go to sleep. 5:00 a.m. wake him up. So, already here is already standing like a puzzle. A puss for sure. Anyway, come on. Did you still run the P? Yes, sir. Okay. That's third time you're saying it in a row. So I believe you. So you can go to sleep Friday. Boo turns around one more question. Answer me fast. From what side? From what side? To what? From what side did you surround the pole? You mean a small right to left or left to right? He wasn't ready for this. It was right to left. Sure about this, sir? I'm a right-handed person. I run for a couple of miles. Why should I do the opposite? Makes no sense. He said, I didn't ask for the sense. I asked what happened there. Started thinking 100% I surround the pool. 99% from right to left, 1% maybe. But he said they did this 2 hours ago and it's 99% not 100. This together with the word you spoke keep them. That's what work you what happened. It was like this the whole time. But after 4 months we stayed from the beginning from 70 to 50. It decreased. So the idea was to block your emotions. You were checked all the time. That's the to the extent month number six. I'm just put him to understand the concept that we were going to go on. Month number six. Month number six, we went home for Shabas. He told us to come back from multi shabas, not from course. Come back. Why? I said we can't ask questions. We came back with Shabas. He told us it's a silent sleep. Silent sleep week. We came there. They put us on us equipment. talking about equipment that weighs like 70 lb equipment and they put us in the buses and they took us to the desert desert midnight. Yeah. In the desert spread us a big mountain with heavy equipment. They gave us an order to dig ourselves graves. Good luck. blink. You can't ask questions. You can't take the phone. You can't see. You can't rest. You go to work. Car for three, four hours. After 4 hours in the middle of the night, they said like freeze. We're forced anyway. Don't move. Kneel down. Lie down like this. Nobody cares if it's a stone, mud, bushes. Just lie down. We didn't sleep tonight. It's already 4:00 a.m. Go to sleep. Now each shall we look you up see our shine go to sleep from now 90 seconds good night. It's okay 90 seconds every 90 seconds you put in 3 seconds you dream that they wake you up it's not dream they shoot after a minute and a half you're on the run carry on working after 6 7 hours don't move lie down 3 minutes sleep time all together 2 hours 20 minutes all together 28 minutes somebody told me once it doesn't answers. The idea was you need to measure a poor seconds and you have to hold your head the same. equipment didn't leave your back from say shop is all week go to sleep in the bed they sleep like Daisy carry and boom way after time we have to finish Friday don't time training everybody come they call us they told us do you have any questions nobody answers cuz there's no permission shouting ask a question they start to manipulate you but you're already like a robot so he says The guy on the right hand side answer my answer. You have any more left? Said we stretch to the top. No, no. Who agrees? Raise your hand. Who agrees with them? Raise their hand. Everybody did. And then the commander also did have 2 hours 20 minutes. Okay, I'll tell you something. You're supposed to frame till tomorrow morning, but since you got to the edge, I'm going to challenge you. But he says to us this, if in seven minutes you're ready with clean reform, we're going home tonight understand like out of the blue going home like it was out of nowhere. So strong. Three guys like kicked out after having your friend not controlling the emotions. Seven minutes to get to rest with the the uniform is in the bag in your bag from say shabas go in seven minutes a voice says 658 everybody's ready we got koak yeah ending session came a truck to take us away everybody calls you a truck commander called us back how did you do it in seven minutes if you have no he said the how come you did it in seven minutes. So you had C. So you lied. Change back. We're staying. What? Who said what? ABC out. Kicked out. 7 minutes. You change back. Uniform is in a pile. Don't take the uniform. Whatever it is. Change back. Okay. Got the lesson. Change back. Release 30 times. Multiply by seven. Three and a half hours. Changing A B A B A B. I want to do it 30 times. Okay. What's the idea? But basically by day they is if you work with the emotions you get a heart attack expectation disappointment expectation. You put your robot easy. They check the doorway. After 30 times we went on the truck. We're going home. Guess what? As went on the truck everybody did went to sleep. We didn't sleep hardly order. You can't sleep. Can't sleep. Everybody stood up. You can't stay awake. Sitting. It's not an option. You can't stand up. You got to sit down. So, we had to sit down for an hour and a half being tired, crazy. But they were nice. They gave you a safety pin on their expense for what? You put it on your friend's knee and he falls asleep. And guess what? He does it for you the same as you. So it's both on both. So if he fell asleep and you didn't tip, it means you fell asleep and he didn't tip. You're both out. Hour and a half. The hardest of the week. You got all bleeding. You wake up. It's after hour and a half, you got to the station. There you go. The bus stops. Everybody gets up and guess what? Whoop! They took you an hour and a half to see the station to see if you work with expectation. Yeah. And boom. Started driving. It was so powerful. People fell down. What again? They fooled us. Who said you and you out the rest? After 20 minutes, we got to leave south to the sea. There wait a big car with all the uniform was changed 30 times in the base on the sand. We go down change 7 minutes back the uniform they put us into the freezing cold water here only 12 minutes freeze you can't see I'm cold nothing freeze got out freezing cold all the equipment walk to hifa you have 12 hours good luck just understand we're talking about 45 mile walk straight um so how can you do it if you're not if you're not lying how can you do it So the answer is you can't do it. So how do you do it? You don't ask questions. You just do what you got to do. The point was they killed your emotion. You become a robot. Kids are you sick. You don't even know it. But the mass you're functioning the way they see it. Yeah. Phenomenon. Only after all this, we didn't know what year we are. This was top secret. Only those who went through this day they said to us what's going to happen and they started doing the terror special training of terror of each training was more crazy than the other and each one was surprising from another zone a year and 5 months we finished seven when we got to start doing the operations live we understand that we have to go through this training you cannot work with emotions You go into a situation, you don't know who's coming what. You got dressed up like Arab. It was already exposed the unit. Somebody runs behind you. Maybe he comes to kill you. You can't turn around. You're an old person. You have to full control. You have to work. You can't do any mistake is death as it is asking me today for me to die to you do the work. That's how you work 24/7. After two and a half years, they sent me to be officer. I came to be a commander and I stayed in this unit five and a half years. I'm telling you I saw in my own eyes live miracles love no. So if you saw why make cha cuz it was miracles but I didn't move to my heart was a stone. Have to understand I didn't laugh. I didn't cry nothing. You could cut my foot. I wouldn't say ouch or just check out with the blood that is too bleeding for me to function. not stop if not to leave it like this and do you think about the mission all the time that's how you work nothing no emotions you see people are as targets it's it's sick I could walk on the street come one day see somebody this for a couple of years how are you what do you need I'm happy to see you it's not relevant people would say to me I need you to help me to move my apartment I would say to him ah where will you find when tonight after 2 hours that's doing talk it doesn't work you do the mission clear but you know no emotions there at all okay maybe how extreme it went when I was a commander it's important for me for the message to say stories measure um came a soldier I was a commander comes a soldier Friday the end of the training I seem a bit like shivery This is this is the what do you need a vacation? Why? And he tells me they just heard his father was killed in a hit and run accident. I said, "Okay, so what do you need?" He said to go to the funeral. Okay, go and come to being embarrassed to say like what you talk sh I said. Okay. So 7 days in seven days be back. This is how we work. Another example. This is disconnected. A person which is disconnected. Sick. Why did they say we're sick? Because of fantastic for the so it's fine. So today I'm not talking about talking about myself. This was as it is. I used to go home. My father was a policeman. I used to go home here and there. This is what the your father I'm going to to the room. I said to my father, I'm going to rest a bit for an hour. In an hour, if I don't come out from the door, just uh come and wake me up. Okay. I go there. I said, "But when you come to wake me up, um please don't go into the room without knocking and saying it's you." He said, "Why do why is it so complicated? I go in and wake you up." I said, "Don't come in without saying it's you. What's your problem?" I said, "Well, what's the problem coming in?" I said, "There's no problem coming in." There are problem coming out alive. Don't do it. No, it's funny. Father, targets. I told my brother, I'm not really sleeping. I mean, I'm awake. I'm I have the gun in my hand and the door is closed with a can next to the door. So when you touch it, I'm already sitting down with the don't come in before telling you. That's how you live. You don't know father, mother. But in the battlefield, you see one target and that's it. Whatever's in the way, whatever is learning, but how do you leave? I think like this maybe one story for our operation which ended in big miracle just for the vote to be the story not too heavy for the even till today when I go to the yeah today I came from if I go to the on the way there's a place which is called kibut not kibuts kibut is a place and alter coming back there and learning the kids um next to one of the kibutim next to the border. There's a big building which is a place that the army trains how to bail hostages. Somebody kidnaps somebody and puts him in the house how to bail him up. And I had the big miracle there until today when I go through I sacrifice to him saying not only the button is with I was all together doing what we did there we did an operation two of my friends disguised like Arabs and kidnapped a soldier as if it's MS they tied him and put him in this building and they called the general saying to them you have 12 hours to bring them out to give us thousand people letting out the if not we're going to kill him. This general calls me to be the officer in charge and tells me you have 12 hours to bail him out. It was very complicated. It was a tall building. You have to get to the building in a total surprise which is almost impossible. Get kids. We did it. We had a special mahalak to go from a under the ground from a special canal and come out to the mah of the building. Um open a special ladder which is like 40 ft high and conquered the building from the ceing from above. I went with my friends. We're all at night doing a professional work getting to the m the the guard was diverted enough to come. We open a 40 ft ladder. We start climbing and as I'm on the top of the ladder like 35 ft from the ground with two other bim on the ladder. The ladder breaks to pieces. We all f the ladder. The only guy out there who does not injured with a scratches me. Don't try this. But imagine multiply this by let's say three times. Person falls on his back on stones. No scratch. Things like this happen all the time. Arabs shooting at me and then suddenly the bullets doesn't go out. Happens once once in 30,000 boots. Crazy things. But your heart is sealed. You don't see Hashem. No for nothing. So you can't come out from this zone. What happened to five and a half years? I got a prize. A prize. Yeah. A prize. Europe. Two and a half weeks in Europe for us. The army want me to sign another seven years. So they gave me this prize. I didn't want to take this for what general said it's an order. Or order it. 50 officers in the army. The best officers went to this tour. In these two and a half weeks, I opened my eyes to five and a half years old. day parked suddenly you're in Europe in Italia and he started saying he always said live for the minute you're already five and a half years there almost killed like nine times maybe it's time to leave I mean until you die remember everything start coming back when I camp on the store I told the commander listen I'm leaving I said I can do whatever I want that's you stop me said what is this I mean one of the best apples you can't do anything I said well it's the facts you know shalom he said listen what do you need I said I want to see the world I said I'll give you two months and come back I said I want a cash promise I don't want to lie but I'll take the two months and we see two months is until today but what happens in these two months I go to another kind what you saw here in the in the presentation me and modeling was even when I did it I despised as a second person I said it's slow it's nothing but this is life nothing intelligent in this to go I didn't think about these things I didn't want to be a mother what happened was I went to the first came out of the army and I went to gym I did gym and when I was gym somebody I met some guy that started talking to me persuading me to be a model you have to understand I said to him if it would be legal I would kill you or we can't do it this is not for me these days give it to people that did attention I don't it's not for me but he say why don't you try you can make a lot of money so what I said you know why not try I have nothing to do there I mean in shoe you know was not there a day morning afterwards I went to the modeling agency you have to understand it I can't explain this I'm I walk like with a gun you know what it is you come to a modeling agency I'll tell you how it look like I went to the door I knocked in the door they told me to come in when I came in. I just checked. There's no terrorists inside. Nobody saw it. Was it? And when I turned to close the door, I hear the word turn around. Don't move. Why did he say this? He had a camera. I want to take a picture. So we said, turn around, don't move. He didn't calculate. You can't say this to me and stay alive. Cuz when I turned around, he was with a gun with a bullet like this. After a second and a half, the guy was with a camera. What is this? started shipping. What's going on? I said I took out the bullet, put out the gun. I said, "When you say turn around, don't move to an officer inspection unit. You have to know if it could be the last words." I mean, this was the gap between me and modeling world so to speak. But I stayed there for few weeks and I start making money which I didn't care making and started getting offers to go to so I find myself after 2 months still going by to the army going to Italia to Milanu and there it's already a new world I changed I said to myself listen fly to wherever you want a second no I can know nothing and first time I came to Italy I still did my audition kit test for a big uh fashion show. Everything was working good and I found myself doing a lot of money and starting opening agencies in Amsterdam and this is starting doing a lot of money I said why not and get there after half a year modeling without going to be those dilem but nothing stops if you're doing nothing I had a lot of time to think money plenty no boundaries do whatever I want I had time to think and here starts my chuva movement I didn't to know about because I don't have to have to think and questions like what are we doing not not the depression going to parties doing this sitting after the party after drinking with a lot of you know going I didn't care about going ask me like what is life for make money we're doing money having fun we're having fun you know and what guys were looking at me what do you mean and what that's it guys I'm enjoying and looking at me and I start I was 23 I'm different not one day people are clever asking questions about about about significance of life and going to sleep I can't sleep it's and they start searching questions what is life for and the answer is have fun it's not this it's fun make money say see the world I see I didn't know some good question. I didn't understand all the Z at that time. I started searching while modeling started learning philosophy all over Europe talking to people. You have to understand here I had a plus. I went like a robot. This is one of the places that was a plus for me. Feeling nothing searching asking questions. You know what I went to cults sitting with people started training. I said them guys makes no sense. Started asking questions. Sh talk to me. Give me answers to the questions. There's no logic. I'm not staying here. You're stupid. Like I was, you know, how can people in the cult makes no sense. I'm working with the brain, not with the emotions. People emotionally manipulated. This gave me the long story short. Whenever I joined a cult or religion where no behind, I backed out. Okay. Somebody asked me once, okay, what brought you to religions? I said, look, why not? I didn't even think about Judaism. Why not? I mean, you weren't religious, but you came from a Jewish background. I didn't know at that time that for secular ye is much easier to become than every or traditional ye that went away from truth. for that grew in much harder to meet to a person that never knew anything and all his life. Why? Cuz he understands he knows nothing about Judism and he starts going into it. A person that grew in says I know what it is. And the fact you grew in it doesn't even know what it is. It means you know about it. You have knowledge if you lived it. So I didn't even think about Judaism. But asking questions I waited 4 hours in the line to some hu manig in Honduras Spain supposedly a clever person. I come to him after searching asking no no no answers all logical all manipulations I came to him sit like a wise man I said to him listen waiting for 4 hours what do you have to offer like bodyguard said to him what are you looking for I'm looking for the said well you should try here I said why should I do it so that's a question said to me hey you're doing the wrong work I said what's the wrong work he said you want the mis with latch instead If I die for sure he says no place that works with said then mister what's the judge of the ends he says your feelings yeah I feel I want to kill you I told him he said to me try and do it he was serious so what's the brain for he says whatever you feel is good for you use the brain to do it the best in other words you want to steal make sure not to get caught so you can do it Abraham I look at the guy people are following this stupidity started saying whatever people g I started giving him bes started coming back I'm going to kill both of you don't mess with me you should hear that say whatever you want I finished talking I turned around went away as I get to the door says to me listen mister too. There are no answers to these questions. One place in the world approaches that way, but you can't get accepted there. It's complicated. I said, "No, where's that?" He said to him, "The Jewish tradition works the opposite way." He didn't know I was Jewish. I came with a British passport. I said to him, "What?" He said to me, "The Jewish tradition works different. I don't know how they do it, but my teachers told me that is the way. I said, well, why aren't you there? My teachers told me to be here, but if you talk your way, you should go there. I look at the guy. I go out. I said, what's going on? This guy doesn't know me. He knows. He tells me Jewish Judaism has logic. He doesn't know what he's talking. I know Judism. I went out took a plane landed called the number of somebody that I heard is that was the that was the conversation shalom. It didn't seem for like like 12 years shalom is like how are you? None of your business not spoke. You have some rabbi that they can challenge. What do you mean? I need somebody could ask tell me clear answers logical no manipulation said me I get your point I said him I'm warning this rabbi tell me someone's going to say to me put make I'm going to somebody logic he said no problem he gave me a name said to me I wait a few minutes after a few minutes calls me shalom probably shank he said sound a bit old but all the children I said uh said what do you I said I'm looking for the come tomorrow gave me a string of the day after I came to this I have to understand come to the earrings not with a hole and all dressed up going in see people like this with him I couldn't take it but I got a guy said to me no book like this I said to him the surname said I told him where is It's a commander. Yeah. Where is he? The office in the corridor. I went went in after knocked the door like in the army open. Your show there. Not completely. Says to me, "Yeah, come and close the door." Food. You can eat something. I'll be right with you. I didn't touch it. Said to me, "Yes." "What do you come for?" I said, "What I came for? I told you yesterday I have questions." Questions? It's bit to go away. What? It's a waste of time. Mr. I spoke to you, told me to come. It's a waste of time. I said, "No, no, you have no answers. That's you manipulate people and brainwash them. You have no answers for the questions." She said, "Dai, I do have." I said, "Well, system, what do you want?" I said, "I want the you want the stay here. I'll give you all the time in the world. But they were just coming to I'm going the whole way. He said, "Okay, I want you to promise me if I show you the MS, you leave everything and come to your yeshiva." I said, "You can't prove. And if I can cycle, if you prove me, it's logically I got to do it. Are you going to do it?" I said, "Yes, but can't prove. But okay." I said, "So wait a minute, Rabbi, it's both ways. If I show you it's not like this. You cut your beard and cook. This is a prayer fight. He said, "No, that's obvious." He said to me, I look at the guy said, "Obvious?" He said, "One of us is cool." Okay. One of us is holding the wrong way. And I want the MS and you want the MS. Whoever wins takes out, right? I said, "Here I find somebody. I'm going to make bet. I have so much knowledge." Okay. There was a stand like this. I said, "Fine. Let's give it a go. Write down the questions. Said I don't need. What do you mean you only need? I know the questions. I know the answers. Whatever you forgot, I'll remind you. Of course, if you make any or don't steal and bag for the far east, I took one safer. It's not even in the You can't write it in the store. took it out, put it on the table, sit on this safer is called one side because he said this this safe put it away. He can't ask me for this safe. I said mister I choose where to ask from he can't tell me what to ask. This is my side and say I don't know from this safe you cannot ask me questions. Said well why not? You don't even know the safe. Says to me what addition are you holding? edition that third suddenly there's a between the of the third edition and the fifth edition you can't ask me a question from a saper that contradicts himself baktumis between the editions I knew was lying you can't there's no I said you don't know he said well why don't you test me and see if I know it or not that was too much for me already I opened and started reading said to By the third edition, it's chapter 26. You're on the left hand side. This guy is not a normal person. That's it. I close it away. Threw it out. Started shooting all my bullets. Questions. First time in my life defed the dust. First time I always winning. This guy called the penguins. Yeah. Like this guy sits there with a beard and easily for the first time in my life corners me logically to admit. It was a double punch for me. Why? Nobody ever spoke to me that way. Even in the religion I already heard, nobody spoke logically. And I'm hearing this guy giving me nine proof historical of which I cannot even break the proof logically after like almost three and a half hours he stops saying to me you had a promise said mister you showed me your evidence logical historical scientific evidence I cannot break this but I have friends professors doctors and I want to so private. Give me a week or if I don't break your proof, I'm coming. I go back not to that day to tell on my guys listen today. I wasn't doing what to do there. I went and listen, I was sitting for an hour and a half showing them what the rabbi showed me. I look more and everybody's like, "Wow, wow." Wow. Wow. Wow. We're on the wrong track. We're on the wrong track. Wow. I don't care about this. Wow. I don't care. The one from the army emotions. Nothing. What do you mean you're on the wrong track? If this is Ms. That's it. What do you mean that's it? I said to you, you said eight. Listen. Either break the proof. Either we're all in the same boat. We're on the wrong track. Two days after they came into all this group except Paul passed away become 15 years after 50 years. Two days. Why? Why? No emotions. And more than that, I thank Hashem for the fact that my heart was closed like a stone and the day I discovered them. You know why? Cuz if my heart would feel, I would die in the sun from a heart attack. From a heart attack. You know what it is at the age of 20? You burnt your ne and you're done. Gusa folding guns and walking fighting. Everything is messed up. Scratched to the spot. No, no, noikim nothing. Even today could cry when he said it. Hashem, I had no feelings. I went like a robot. Chick like a wave. GPS. Boom. Wrong track. Tuck. Shalom. Z. Nothing. Past is dead. Kadima. I go into your ship. After two days, I came into the the open the door again. Two days. That was fast. I'm happy to see her. I don't care what you feel. I don't have time for nothing. Don't do have three things to do. Learn, learn or learn. That's it. Give me somebody to teach me. Said to me, no problem. Take her room. Take a bed. I said a bed for what? He said to her, "The supper. Supper for what? I don't have to sleep. A waste of time." Tell me somebody to learn. He said, "What do you mean? Got to eat normal, sleep normal. A to eat normal, sleep normal, be balanced. Don't teach me how to be a soldier. I know this better than you. Just give me somebody to help understand the guy sick and doesn't even know it. So he said okay you can walk away but it's not the way for going to succeed but a boy said I come past the army. I said I was on the wrong arm of the sit place no eating no sleeping started to go to sleep 10:00 at night where on the floor it's always available with the clothes waking up when 11:28 why is 11:30 what I'm special I read something about I don't sleep much that's it come I don't don't to learn I read sephilium twice comes the morning I don't know what to learn yet like I go to the fatik one I read in soik is the best I'm the courses I don't do bad things I went finish the fatik I did another I come back I see people slept 8 hours was weird make no sense Even in 45 minutes this guy weird guys telling my business stop okay I went in with standing up kind of like a chill said to me sit down I said for what to listen I'm listening this will be better don't tell me what to do sat for two three hours he speaks I hear what he says doesn't go in is my my heart watch is working 1:00 a.m. before he goes. Where are you guys going? To eat. To eat. You just finished eating now. So 8:30 in the morning. I said, "What after this? Rest. Rest. We just woke up. We make 8 hours. What's going with you guys?" I was I'm awake from 11:28. So I put my head for 90 seconds and till the evening army life. But this is Mali. Rabbi told him I didn't know it. This guy's little Ali. Don't mess with him. He's got here. He's going to go forward. I don't tell him what to do. And I thought this is my schedule. What happens after a month? By the way, I'm learning and physics mathemat. But I can't understand. I said it's not so complicated. Why? after all complicate things easy this doesn't work so I didn't know at the time that was full of mudra is not Jewish law it is but it was only knowledge knowledge this is a lie I know all these things it was weird after a month happens a miracle big miracle they go to sleep as usual 10 p.m. This time I sleep on a bed cuz Oshima told me couldn't sleep in the bed. So it's the mattress but whatever it is. Went to sleep. Wake up 9:06 in the morning. Next not 9:10. What's the miracle here for you? It's a favor, right? I never slept for 11 hours in my life. And my biological clock doesn't do it. It's not. I remember opening the eyes seeing the clock which I on the spot I didn't chuck in put it away went in 9:15 stood like this till 10 p.m. Didn't move to catch up the time 10 p.m. Wake up. at 7 hours. Option number one, two, and three poisoned me. You're working like a Shabbat secret service. I was poisoned. None other option. What did I do? What did I say? I went to those room on the morning. Used to learn 3 hours at 4:00. 5:03 a.m. I barge in. I remember the picture. Understand the gap. It was a shak. Did you poison me? You put sleeping pills in my in my water. What? Did you poison me? What? He says to me, "What do you mean? Did you put sleeping pills in my water? What happened? He woke up late. I said, "Ha, you admit?" He said, "But I told you it's not the I said, Rabbi, that's in the kitchen. You put it in my water." He says, "That's connected to he closes the fold down. Let's talk." Okay. He says to me, I told you it's not the way you do not work to the Jewish way. I said to him, Rabbi, I told him, "Rabbi, I am a soldier of Hashem. I was a soldier of the wrong army." And he said to me, "Yeah, but you work to the wrong way." I said, "What do you mean the wrong way?" Said, "You got to eat normal, sleep no blah." I said, "Don't tell me this. This is for people who make not for me." He said, "Why not?" I said, "Because I was like, I understand you." said, "You think I'm going to do things that are crazy? I live that way in the army. So if I can do it here, I can do it there and there I can do it here." Not exactly. Simple. Why not? He said something very cautious when he started saying a story. It was all jumped into the water. When he want to jump out, he couldn't jump. What do you want to say? Suddenly, when you're in the army, you had a lot of you know why? was keeping giving you every second you're allow you're awake to do a bias when you go to read it changes the sign you're working the wrong way this mirror this is mystics mystical talking the fact is that's the way I lived there more than 5 years I wasted my clue I won't get here to me. Okay, so I'll tell you what to do. Then he challenged me. I was, "What emotion was moving you in the army?" I said, "Rabbi, you know nothing about the army? Zero emotions." He said to me, "And the battle." I said, "I understand. You're normal in the army. No emotions. What were you exactly?" Said, "What was this?" He said to me, "There only emotions." Rabbi, how can he say this? He said to me all the emotions takes out the ham guys also. Give me three point. Take it. He marked them in. Take it. I want you to sit down with this and check what emotion is moving you in the army. When you emotion take this emotional books I don't need this look open start to sing I what he was talking about I couldn't relate it to me I came out and said to him talking about right said yes babe there was no emotion he said to No. Did you ever lose? Said never. Did you ever fail? Said never. Suddenly you were the weakest person in the world because they fooled you. They told you don't express weakness. You ignored your own weakness cuz you're above guided. While you were killing your emotion, you were building the strongest emotion at that particular emotion of God. This would want you through not eating, not sleeping, doing things almost dying for nothing because of your so what are you saying emotional? They're emotional. You're super emotional only in one line. Seven survived the big biggest you probably won number one. So he said to me, "This you have plant-based with this you can grow." But from what I saw is so what am I supposed to do going to say to him? What about the other the other emotions? He said to me, "I can't fix it and you can't fix it. It's messed up. One thing you have accessible is God and the rest of the emotions messed up for life. I can fix me and he can fix it. Hashem could fix everything. Go into a little bit for and ask with tears to open their hearts. I heard I'll do tears for not for me and I left out. When did the mas start the thiefs of 20 22 hours learning learning learn not sleeping nothing like this 22 didn't mean this he meant learn but he didn't sleep one day another day another day but there already second month something starts happening my sister I couldn't know where it is the day I know starts cleaning when did it pop out 90 that year I was sitting with the gam trying to learn and not understanding and saying to myself what am I doing this show who cares you know saying you know this is the life people are learning instead of walking I'm going to kesh opening it like this. Opening somebody said what are you doing? Turn around. Don't look like I put my head on. I was saying in Hebrew I understand. I understand. Hashem. Thank you for showing the I know the clear have no spies. All true. No sh clue. I know them. I know the best things to write. This I know in my brain. But feeling wise, I started for me to talk feelings was like when you talk Chinese. It's like I hate this learning. It's boring kids. I started saying things which I will not repeat. But I was talking I I remember it was like somebody like a was forgotten for years. I was talking and I said so if I know is I know it's I know this but I feel that it's boring and I get a scream which is not proper. I have a Jewish brain but my heart is a question. I said this crack the [ __ ] 20 minutes in between I said of crying what's going on my brain is here my body is here my heart's on the street it's not boring I'm bold it's a flown fire I'm stuck the problem is not the system I'm stuck what's going on your heart is full of dirt I said to myself and you didn't clean You can't feel this kind of toy. How do you feel it? I said please to not feel this I'm going to do cuz he said to do it I'm your soldier but please I said have to give me back my Joshart I can't fix it please. I was 20 minutes crying. Never ever had the fear to cry like this in such a big place. Going out not a new person but yes understanding is another journey to go through the is the I'll do the but is a journey. And I felt that when I grew as a kid and I got nice ideas of tradition, I didn't live too. I was acting whatever it is understood that the whole thing to change my whole approach. You know what it means? Suddenly I sit among and I learn for two hours and just standing nothing and saying no. But if I didn't finish my with nothing to him, forget instead of coming in a in a ga approach, the result is the best. What about the fight? What about going through? What about all the effort they put in to change the whole opposite being happy with every second you learn to approach them only six hours to start talk 6 seconds is a luck. No, you're saying this cuz you grew in it. People out there didn't do one second third in their life. You're a minister of I'm not palizing. I envy you. Tell my kids I envy you. You go with everything is clear. What's your fight? Take it for granted for fight. Forget he says fight but was messed up. This stuck with the virus went through. Everybody has his own journey and look 29 years after you can feel the story is not from it's from the inside like I told the students the journey of finding the we're all soldiers of finding the somebody asked me once the secular place is there something in the past that you missed he said yes I'm a secular guy like what is I miss the kesh of my neph that I had when I Second, we're looking for the >> because I'm going to tell you join supposed to increase some go backwards. In other words, I'm saying you have reading with the years only thanking Hashem seeing the kind of singing the way yeah ups and downs but not in the suddenly opening the heart slowly learning how to connect to the heart the right way. suddenly said, "Hey, I need help. Hey, I'm weak and I'm also strong." But understanding that you know failure success and the same thing but you have hem with you instead of taking the whole emotions to a different place instead of ignoring the emotions looking for growth 29 years after and before I end by the time they gave me I'm so starting a new journey going back starting to appreciate every small thing putting on today no man what feeling Noobs sell you live in front of the parent. I want to tell you something. I went to a barber shop in so get a haircut. Even with the blind barber chip. Yeah. I was sitting there doing the haircut and behind story that happened pretty much in the beginning. They were learning something. I heard the whole uh I didn't really hear the words but I knew what the whole thing could none of my business but I didn't speak whatever it was I came up up to the the barber and said what's so interesting in the newspaper the guy was there said to me I'll explain to you you know that we have an army I said we have an army we have an army army from the I said to him the what do you want to say to me you know there's an army I said to him you know how it works you tell me a boy said if I would know the way he knew what he was saying for 15 minutes in a row about army I didn't say anything tells me s what's in the paper he was And there's an article here about the unit of those dressed up like Arabs. And I was you got to see this article. He gives it to me to here. I burnt my neck was all what? Wow. I can't believe this. He froze up my hand. You're not moving from here till they tell you a story of operations that you did in the army. How you killed took the hand back gently. I said I'm going to tell you even a small story. Why not? Why not? What? Because your children don't don't talk about the past. I said unfortunately I have my path sometimes but you know it. So why is that? I said what can I do? I look at you, how old are you? Said to me 17. What she told me? I said, you know, I look at you and I said to myself, what? You don't know who you are. Did you ever have a fire in the eyes from a blood like on this article? What do you mean? I said, are you aware that you worship about the soul of the army? What are you saying to me? I said to him, look at you said, you know what to say, but what's your heart? You seen this for hours and they see them don't even know me is smart of t it's interesting but why worship them certainly I get your point but you're patronizing me certainly right I'm sorry but I can't say somebody a prince that grew in the worshiing not even know but it's interesting I said I also enjoy storyish but I understand to focus my emotions to the right place these stories came with the years again And I there was once a war in Gaza. I knew one thing. I went another hour of learning outside. Where you go? You recruited? He said yes to where the said came after me. Come on. I don't think he's I know you recruited. I said yes. I was totally serious. I wasn't playing. He said to me, "What are you doing?" He said, "Another blood game over." He was talking to his friend out for an hour and a half the army. I came out certain don't give me about I know better than you. I know I asked you if you're recruited. You know what I'll ask you. Answer me. I said Mr. You don't believe in the you learn cuz if you would believe you would waste an hour and a half talking about the arm. Okay. Said to me you're offending me. I start telling the truth. I'm recruited to the army of Mashia every second and I'm looking I'm saying it to you. I have to look like him. You live like you didn't I don't know you but I know with the years coming I see sometimes people don't have to be happy so much looking being aid so I end with this I remember I was doing my first son know singing so my old my old boy that is he was 5 years old and I'm sitting there crying crying like a kid. I I look at the kids like it's a miracle. Why you crying? Why are you crying? I said to him, "Rabbi, Rabbi, why aren't you crying?" Said, "Where's the trigger? You have to cry. say where is it? But the ego is exciting asking why you crying suddenly of we not you're already used to it. It's my 10th kid already but I accept being excited to know something. You're right. Cra is one thing being excited for my 10th kid at if I lost this happened to the point is for well it's easy to defect. So I have my own difficulties through the years the heart opens to start valuing I'm not stuck with the past why didn't I learn so now to learn to do is against and to understand that every small movement that you do is worth billions and millions we can't even understand and this is that every for the journey that's why I'm finishing with saying and finishing with saying okay so this is the story of who happened. I was a soldier. I was a model. But yeah, every year needs he has the soldier of Hashem, a model of Hashem in his own way. And here it's extreme because it was seen on the outside world. But the end of the day goes back into us being connected and doing. And if this story can be for what what did he say also don't know but we also know and we also know what's better to remind ourselves May all these words for you for being and not give up any small fight. Even though you go up and down in this generation up and down, up and down. If you focus on the amus all the fights, even the falling down the counts only a craft to grow up more. You use the craft even of falling to grow and you happy with what you have. So this is what I have to say to you and I'm ending also because you know a try any time gives a stage. So I'm asked to but I'm also at the script to give a thank you for listening giving you with the attention. Thank you very much. If you have any questions except that when you're leaving I'm leaving 2:00 up that question we have if you have any question that you want to ask please do. If you don't have, please don't. >> Yo, questions, objections. Yes, sadly. >> How many people did you kill? >> Not enough. >> What? It's an answer that you don't like. I didn't count. This is the answer. I didn't count. >> But you know something? I think I killed more with I spoke and I did. I think I killed more Eden with this. I can't count them also. >> They were only with your hands. So the answer is physically yes but I killed more people with I spoke to I did of I'm saying this is not a joke I'm saying this answer because I understand what they asking so I'm answering it but that didn't count okay but I'm being saying we had a lot of we have to be careful with the words and the we have yeah >> maybe embracing the soldier shing system and the ship system so we >> master it says why not using that idea of the army the embracing system into the because Basha will not go in the Jewish body is idle and the leaders are idolas and the the the is not a nothing there's no she is a way of it has it own way basic from how you can build a way to Hashem understanding that being strong is not being is being weak. It's being where you are by so demanding for him to eat to sleep where he has to sleep. Yes. But not to sleep, not to eat. What about our generation? In other words, it's not taking the system here. It's using the right Jewish system to be a soldier. to embrace this into this maybe. Yes. Oh, it's so today I can do good with times. Yes. But you can do it also you without going out. Yeah. Yeah. Still >> any other questions? Yes. You've been doing a big big listening only even if you don't listening and then you ask questions. Yeah. Which >> is what >> the all the idea the the idea the idea is an interesting thing without talking going into this but all together all the idea of beetle but there is kayesh it's a [ __ ] has hasn't got the eye inside him. Every bit that comes from ego not like to the eye. So they you see many Yiddish have been looking for they found it in the far east because there's a lot of similarity by with things that they used that they took from before going out a lot of is taking from so I didn't know the ideas of I learned it there and then I saw the same elements coming from the show and following tourism in the right way stumbled together Christianity and and the and um Islam are basically came out of Judaism and also very low philosophy thinking that here. What? Yeah. Okay, enjoy.