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Q&A: When the Mother-in-Law Moves In - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
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[Music]
the next question comes from a viewer
who lives with her elderly mother and
they're having a lot of family problems
you know it's not so simple living with
somebody who's not part of your
immediate family but as a parent or a
spouse and it can cause a lot of
problems Sholem revi I'd like to have
some help about my family I love and
admire my husband his mom came to live
with us she has emphysema she doesn't do
anything every day just reading books
and watching movies on her iPad I
proposed many times to go out for a walk
or do something but it's not the point
she always says no a husband and I don't
have any more real family time she
always has something to say or scream at
my kids my oldest girls say often to me
a grandmother should be fun and visit I
have five kids Brooklyn but there's a
lot of resentment in my house I'm at a
point I don't want to talk to her she
gets on my nerves I don't say anything
to her or she will talk to my husband it
will have a fight even told me if I'm
not nice to his mother he will divorce
me she's a nice lady but she brings a
lot of resentment in the beginning she
didn't want me to have a cleaning lady
she was not comfortable so I said to my
husband do her laundry and errands so
now I have the clean lady just for
Friday morning when I started to talk to
my husband about my any situation he
gets mad and I try to stop the
conversation in his favor to have
Sheldon buy it
she's a nice lady but not a loving
grandma I would like to have a better
relationship with her and have back my
happy family please I really need your
help
you get a chance to read it I always
tell my husband to go to a therapist
together but he's too busy with work and
his mom and has a lot of stress dear
viewer I understand the difficulty in
your family it's hard enough to have a
healthy and happy marriage with one
spouse and children but much harder when
you have somebody else meddling in your
business and there's no real easy
answers here you need to set a boundary
with your mother
the boundary means that certain things
were allowed and certain things aren't
allowed I'm sure there's a lot of pain
if your mother-in-law came to live with
you it's probably because her husband
had died perhaps she has some physical
illness or she's just suffering with
old-age problems and therefore she needs
a lot more immediate care
but this poses a problem for your family
because she is acting inappropriately
she's breaking certain sacred bounds on
the family and she's also causing a lot
of stress between you and your husband
and that is not a good thing at all I
would suggest that you discuss setting
boundaries with her these are the
certain roles she should play in the
family and these are things which are
difficult for her if you're able to do
so I would sit down with her and have a
meeting do it at the right time when
she's rested when she's feeling good
perhaps you take her out for something
to eat and talk to her then but have a
discussion and I suggest you to start
the discussion by sharing appreciation
consider mum listen I love having it at
home it's so special to me spending time
with you and I'm so glad you could help
raise our children with us but I want to
tell you that some things which are
difficult for me
and what you'd really express some of
the difficulties without criticizing
there for example it's important that
you set the rules in your family
especially when it comes to cleaning
ladies but more importantly when it
comes to disciplining your children
these are sacred things between a mother
and your child or children or a mother
and her husband these are the things
that other people can't really get
involvement and that you're happy to
have her as part of the family but
you're asking her to make some changes
in order to live even more comfortably
and have a happier life together I think
you really need to set boundaries with
your mother-in-law and talk to her about
what's hard for you now of course she
might take this harshly
she'll promptly denied and say oh I
didn't mean to do that
or I was just trying to be helpful with
the kids I saw they're in trouble but
the truth is you can say mom thank you
so much for trying but I'm sure like
when we grew up perhaps her mother
wasn't living
sir it's hard to have a mother live we
feel and it's hard having a right now in
your home so if she wants to stay with
you in a comfortable way here the things
she can do number one do not do any
discipline of the children and do not
talk about the function in the home
these are very sacred things that a
mother or wife wants to decide or own
with her husband and number two do not
get involved in any issues between you
and your husband these are very
important boundaries I think you need to
set with her I'm not saying it's going
to be an easy discussion in fact she may
deny or even disagree with you
nonetheless it's important for you to
stand up and set a boundary don't forget
she really needs you she has nowhere to
go and therefore if you set a boundary
she may be more apt to listening to you
but it's important that you begin the
process and it might be painful for you
as well it's not easy setting a boundary
I also suggest you first have a meeting
with your husband to discuss setting
boundaries the two of you need to be a
team together you guys come first in
fact I'd like you to draw an imaginary
circle around you and your husband you
guys are the most important unit in the
home you have to have some advice you
have to have a lot of love and respect
for another inside that circle then go
your children and thirdly your
mother-in-law in that order first when
you and your husband are on the same
page then you can have a more effective
meeting with your mother-in-law as well
but if that doesn't work it may be
necessary to get a third party involved
I suggest you find a marriage therapist
good psychologist or even a very
sensitive rabbi have a discussion all
together to discuss and put on the table
some of the issues you're actually
having and to see if this third person
has some good advice for you perhaps
your mother won't be more apt to listen
to them as opposed to you either way
it's important to start setting
boundaries whether you do it alone or
with somebody else and I believe you'll
create a lot more happiness in this
home for both you and your mother-in-law
welcome to this new series in Hebrew
called marriage matters my name is rabbi
Daniel Samba and I'm a licensed Marriage
and Family Therapist based in New York
and around the world via Skype on this
important series I will be answering
your questions you have about marriage
relationships dating parenting and about
any issue during the family
relationships but more than what I have
to say I want to hear what you have to
say so please email to this address and
send in your question and I'll try to
answer as many questions on this
Michelle