Q&A: When the Mother-in-Law Moves In - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] the next question comes from a viewer who lives with her elderly mother and they're having a lot of family problems you know it's not so simple living with somebody who's not part of your immediate family but as a parent or a spouse and it can cause a lot of problems Sholem revi I'd like to have some help about my family I love and admire my husband his mom came to live with us she has emphysema she doesn't do anything every day just reading books and watching movies on her iPad I proposed many times to go out for a walk or do something but it's not the point she always says no a husband and I don't have any more real family time she always has something to say or scream at my kids my oldest girls say often to me a grandmother should be fun and visit I have five kids Brooklyn but there's a lot of resentment in my house I'm at a point I don't want to talk to her she gets on my nerves I don't say anything to her or she will talk to my husband it will have a fight even told me if I'm not nice to his mother he will divorce me she's a nice lady but she brings a lot of resentment in the beginning she didn't want me to have a cleaning lady she was not comfortable so I said to my husband do her laundry and errands so now I have the clean lady just for Friday morning when I started to talk to my husband about my any situation he gets mad and I try to stop the conversation in his favor to have Sheldon buy it she's a nice lady but not a loving grandma I would like to have a better relationship with her and have back my happy family please I really need your help you get a chance to read it I always tell my husband to go to a therapist together but he's too busy with work and his mom and has a lot of stress dear viewer I understand the difficulty in your family it's hard enough to have a healthy and happy marriage with one spouse and children but much harder when you have somebody else meddling in your business and there's no real easy answers here you need to set a boundary with your mother the boundary means that certain things were allowed and certain things aren't allowed I'm sure there's a lot of pain if your mother-in-law came to live with you it's probably because her husband had died perhaps she has some physical illness or she's just suffering with old-age problems and therefore she needs a lot more immediate care but this poses a problem for your family because she is acting inappropriately she's breaking certain sacred bounds on the family and she's also causing a lot of stress between you and your husband and that is not a good thing at all I would suggest that you discuss setting boundaries with her these are the certain roles she should play in the family and these are things which are difficult for her if you're able to do so I would sit down with her and have a meeting do it at the right time when she's rested when she's feeling good perhaps you take her out for something to eat and talk to her then but have a discussion and I suggest you to start the discussion by sharing appreciation consider mum listen I love having it at home it's so special to me spending time with you and I'm so glad you could help raise our children with us but I want to tell you that some things which are difficult for me and what you'd really express some of the difficulties without criticizing there for example it's important that you set the rules in your family especially when it comes to cleaning ladies but more importantly when it comes to disciplining your children these are sacred things between a mother and your child or children or a mother and her husband these are the things that other people can't really get involvement and that you're happy to have her as part of the family but you're asking her to make some changes in order to live even more comfortably and have a happier life together I think you really need to set boundaries with your mother-in-law and talk to her about what's hard for you now of course she might take this harshly she'll promptly denied and say oh I didn't mean to do that or I was just trying to be helpful with the kids I saw they're in trouble but the truth is you can say mom thank you so much for trying but I'm sure like when we grew up perhaps her mother wasn't living sir it's hard to have a mother live we feel and it's hard having a right now in your home so if she wants to stay with you in a comfortable way here the things she can do number one do not do any discipline of the children and do not talk about the function in the home these are very sacred things that a mother or wife wants to decide or own with her husband and number two do not get involved in any issues between you and your husband these are very important boundaries I think you need to set with her I'm not saying it's going to be an easy discussion in fact she may deny or even disagree with you nonetheless it's important for you to stand up and set a boundary don't forget she really needs you she has nowhere to go and therefore if you set a boundary she may be more apt to listening to you but it's important that you begin the process and it might be painful for you as well it's not easy setting a boundary I also suggest you first have a meeting with your husband to discuss setting boundaries the two of you need to be a team together you guys come first in fact I'd like you to draw an imaginary circle around you and your husband you guys are the most important unit in the home you have to have some advice you have to have a lot of love and respect for another inside that circle then go your children and thirdly your mother-in-law in that order first when you and your husband are on the same page then you can have a more effective meeting with your mother-in-law as well but if that doesn't work it may be necessary to get a third party involved I suggest you find a marriage therapist good psychologist or even a very sensitive rabbi have a discussion all together to discuss and put on the table some of the issues you're actually having and to see if this third person has some good advice for you perhaps your mother won't be more apt to listen to them as opposed to you either way it's important to start setting boundaries whether you do it alone or with somebody else and I believe you'll create a lot more happiness in this home for both you and your mother-in-law welcome to this new series in Hebrew called marriage matters my name is rabbi Daniel Samba and I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world via Skype on this important series I will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue during the family relationships but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your question and I'll try to answer as many questions on this Michelle