Q&A: The Right Therapist, Married for the Kids, Influencing Difficulties - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] welcome to marriage matters my name is rabbi Daniel shun Bock I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based here in New York and around the world via Skype each week we try to answer your questions that come from readers all around the world that want to learn more of that marriage about relationships and family therapy this next letter comes from a reader who made aliyah she now lives in Israel she's married with children she's having a difficult marriage had tried therapy once or twice but to no avail and she wants to know what she should do next dear rabbi Shawn buck I currently live in Israel with my husband and six children we are married for almost 11 years now we have had a lot of ups and downs but since we Italia five years ago our marriage has been deteriorating our status right now is that we are together for the kids my husband does not want to seek help anymore and I'm willing to keep trying because I long for good and healthy relationship we have gone for professional help once for very short but my husband was not ready to invest what do you suggest I do please help dear viewer I'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through a hard time I can just imagine how much energy you put into making alia going to live in Eric's Israel but still having a hard time in your relationship with your husband some of the points that you mentioned I like to explore with you number one is is it possible that the therapists that you saw wasn't the right therapist you mentioned your letter that your husband only went to that therapist perhaps one time that's kind of a alarm kind of went off in my mind because perhaps the therapist wasn't the right therapist for you or for your husband and that's very possible it's kind of like a up you know just because you set up in a off doesn't mean it necessarily works sometimes you have to go in several seducin before you find your Bashar doozy book so I would suggest first of all that you do some research and look for another therapist now this is a bit tricky you know the expression three-strikes-you're-out so we don't want you to go to just another therapist and make a big mistake rather I would suggest that you go yourself the first time explain the situation to the therapist and see if it's the right match try to figure out the person's presentation their emotions their mannerisms your level of comfort his or her level of understanding of relationships in your marriage and I think after one or maybe two sessions you'll begin to see if this is the right person for you and I've seen it so many times over so many years a couple could go do it even good marriage therapist but for some reason it's not exactly the right match also it depends on the gender of the therapist some people need to see a woman therapist and some people need to see a male therapist it all depends on various different psychodynamics which are too difficult to enumerate tonight but just to inform you that it's possible that the therapist that you saw reminded your husband of a difficult parent perhaps where there was a mother or father perhaps that your husband is projecting his problems from his childhood on the therapist and isn't comfortable with the therapist so I would not give up hope what's really important here is to continue the therapy and I would suggest you look around choose one and then see what happens the other part of your letter is extremely important as well you mentioned that you have burkas m6 beautiful children and that you wouldn't want to break up your marriage because so much will be lost if you do so this is a very very important question you didn't tell me in the letter what you're really experiencing and I've dealt with many hundreds of couples that have similar situations and I try to revise them to make very careful steps to evaluate what they're really going through in their life but let's start with one of the most important parts of this I have to know more is your husband abusive does he have addiction is he does he have a tremendous temper in the home is he extremely controlling these are very very important questions because that will help me as a therapist and other therapists understand whether that marriage is worth continuing if he's abusive that has serious addiction or serious issues that may be highly disturbing to the children and one has to evaluate very very carefully if you're putting another generation of little innocent children in the line of a lot of dysfunction but that's not for me to decide that's something you have to do a lot of careful research about but if he's not in that category of a very dysfunctional abusive individual then one has to look more carefully at trying to keep the family together for as long as possible as long as you don't feel you're being abused in the relationship and that means working to find some compromises in this relationship pushing yourself just a little bit further because it will make a very very big difference in these children's lives whether the parents are married or divorced and if there's a possibility to keep this marriage together I suggest you try to do the best that of course will include gone for therapy but it may also include reading books about marriage and relationships so therefore I suggest you go to the Jewish bookstore and find some books that of authors that you trust good from authors from psychologists that have good advice on how to have a good marriage and how to have a good relationship and I would suggest you try to do anything you can whether it's in reading or in workshops or in therapy to try to make this relationship work that may mean improving your communication skills with one another it may also mean spending more quality time with your spouse and taking some small vacations from your children if that's financially possible it may also mean going out a little more frequently there is a great expression instead of going on a vacation go on a staycation meaning instead of spending just a lot of money to go in fancy and expensive trips just go away for one night to littell go for a trip to another city clear your heads see by doing so if you can gain a little more active on your relationship I find sometimes just sending people away for a little bit of a time and having fun together does wonders for the relationship and then when you go back into the home a person as a new fresh attitude is able to look at things from a different perspective and I'm hoping this may help your relationship as well and the other thing you mentioned was that your marriage had deteriorated since you made aliyah this is of course a very very big question that I believe numerous people experience when they move to Israel because it truth is it's hard on the children and it can be hard on your family as well there are many cultural changes you've perhaps went through you may also be experiencing lack of proper finances in Israel many people find it hard when they left their jobs abroad and came to live in Israel and so therefore it's possible that the cultural changes and the financial stress you're going under is making your marriage that much more difficult if that's true then you have to have an honest discussion with your husband if he's the breadwinner in the house to really empathize with him and talk to him about what he's going through at work perhaps the change in language was difficult for him perhaps you didn't find the same type of quality employment he had living outside of Israel than he has in Israel but it's often true that many men will experience depression anxiety or sadness from having a very hard time at work they kind of feel crushed by their employer or crushed by their financial environment or social environment and therefore coming back to the house at night in a very difficult mood so if that's true then one has to explore that especially with your husband to find out if he's really suffering financially or professionally and he's bring that home and banging that back to the home at night and the other question for you as well to see if you can limit some of your expectations perhaps you yourself are not used to living on the standard that you're living now perhaps outside of Israel lived an IR standard perhaps you're not living on that same stands as well today if that's true perhaps if you could change your attitude towards your expectations but it's important to in life maybe even compromise a little more than you expected that may also contribute your husband feeling better and improving your marriage as well welcome to this new series of Vita Brut called marriage matters my name is rabbi daniel shomba and I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world via Skype on this important series I will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue during the family relationships but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and sending your questions and I'll try to answer as many questions on this Michel