Q&A: Life Decisions, Parental Pressures, Movies, Balancing Judaism & More - Rabbi Dovid Kaplan

answer session have some Q&A if anybody has any questions they'd like to ask anything at all uh Torah question personal question any anything anybody would like to ask yes ay but serious questions uh what's your favorite is this a serious question what's your favorite par and why what's my favorite par and why it's a good question my the the first thing is that there that's an interesting question my favorite par so um the the the first thing is we never there's the gar actually says we don't say that we enjoy one piece of T more than another you don't say because all of Torah is one we don't say oh I like this gamor I don't like this gamor I like this this is my favorite gamor that sort of thing because it's all one Torah so we don't say that but having said that uh having said that I do have a certain fondness uh uh for Paras emor um because that's the one that discusses how you have to respect in kohanim right so there there is a certain you know I do have a certain place in my heart for for that one but there's no we we don't look at one favorite over the other and the more Torah you learn you see sometimes people have asked me oh you know what do you do when you're teaching part when you're teaching the paraa how do you teach VRA which is very technical as opposed to Bas andos which is more uh more narrative you know what I I don't know I find far I find something you know there's so much depth here as we've seen there's so much depth in all areas of Torah that that that that it doesn't really make a difference what you're learning uh because when you're learning Kish there's there's a tremendous amount of depth in everything so it's not uh you know it doesn't it's not it's not one more than the other some of it is a little technical at the surface level but when you get into what the symbolic meanings are the depth of it and so and so on and so forth doesn't really make a difference same thing when it comes to gorah the bottom line with gorah is it's all hard all gar some guys say wow this is a hard M I've never I have yet to beat a m it's not hard right some are more practical you know you got more practic you know you know they more practical applicable in today's day and age and two guys fighting over at Talis right or you know two guy you know so maybe it's a little more practical or or or or or the thickness of the mortar between the bricks and bbab Basra you know you know so maybe shab the laws of shabas are more practical but when you start studying the laws of shabas there's also endless there's also endless with the laws of chabas right exactly when is it called separation and what's called you know and what's called cooking and chabas there's no uh there's no one is favorite than it having said that though there are areas of Torah that one gravitates to more than others that yes other words some people gravitate more towards the analytical type of learning in gor some people more gravitate more towards practical Hal and you have a personality and your personality takes you in a certain direction and learning that yes that yes different different people have different gra that that you can say this is my that's a tendency it's not my favorite that that's a tendency to move in a certain direction and that for sure is true some people tend have more of a tendency to to to to to to to to try to accumulate knowledge others have a tendency to try to pierce deep deeper deeper understandings that sort of thing that yes yes sir do you have a method for processing big life decisions or do you have any do I have a method for processing the do you mean making life decisions yeah processing so my father who is a very wise man he said to me the most difficult thing about life is making decisions that's the most difficult thing because you make decisions all the time and the most difficult thing in life is making decisions 100 for sure 100% and one my own personable method whether you're going to like it whether you're going to believe me or not uh uh before I was married uh I made my own decisions most of them incorrect ones uh most of them ridiculous ones emotionally Laden decisions and after I got married I make my decision I asked my wife what to do I let my wife make decisions because women have a better track record than men when it comes to making decisions and I think I've explained this I've explained this uh uh uh several times but it's something very important for those of you those of you who are planning on getting married uh soon so it's very important somebody once said you know what a bachelor is a bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once you didn't get that we I thought that was profound the uh what do you call so he uh a a a uh you know because when you get married the differ they say the difference between a wife and a bandit is a bandit says it's either your money or your life and the wife wants both so the uh the uh what do you call the the the uh the truth of marriages which I've mentioned many times men have an ego and men think they always know best and men think they always know right now I will give you an example see if you can follow this this Keen TM mutic reasoning if I go to the doctor 10 times with a sore throat and I think each time it's a bacterial infection and I need an antibiotic and 10 times the day and I'm begging for an antibiotic just give me an antibiotic and the doctor 10 times out of 10 says no it's viral you don't need an antibiotic now one time out of 10 I'm going to be right one out of those times out of 10 I'm going to be right one time out of 10 he's going to be wrong the problem is I don't know in advance which one of those time one nine times out of 10 which which one of times it's going to be had I if I knew in advance then everything would be great number four is the bacterial all the others are viral and everybody's happy sh Isel the problem is I think I'm always right and the doctor thinks he's always right so I don't have three choices or I only have two choices as a policy I could either follow my self constantly all the way through or follow the doctor all the way through I can't jump back and forth because that doesn't make any sense at all so I got to either follow myself follow my instincts or follow the doctor's instincts now what are the results going to be if to follow the doctors I'm batting 900 if I follow myself I'm batting 100 you follow so then I I don't have a choice because the doctor always thinks he it's got to be one or two either I'm going to always do what the doctor says or I'm always going to do what I say because I think I'm right and nine times out and I'm wrong you follow in marriage it's very similar a man who makes the decisions decides family policies you're going to be right 30% of the time your wife is going to be right 70% of the time women have a higher batting average now I always think I'm right and she always thinks she's right so what do you do as a policy well I want the most overall success will be I'm going to let her make the decisions and in marriage I may let my wife make the decision doesn't mean I don't have a say and it doesn't mean and I'm being very serious here doesn't mean I don't have a say and I'll say my opinion and I'll say what I think we should do but I give her over override uh override Authority and and and there's a reason for that no there are several benefits of it number one if I do it my way and I mess up you know then you know just just head for the hills boy you know just don't even come home right so better let her do it her way let her mess up that I'll live with but I know from experience that because a woman has a sense gave them a woman has a sense and number one and number two a woman's decisions are for the most part not all they're not perfect don't don't think they ain't perfect but for the most part they are devoid of ulterior motivation a man is often making decisions based on you know what's in it for me and what the prestige and what we others going to think and so women have that also but they have the ability to withdraw from that better in my experience better than men do and therefore as a policy I let them make the decision what about for us pre-marriage pre-marriage is pre-marriage uh you should have a rabbi or a mentor who you can go to to help you make decisions I personally will never uh almost never make decisions for people what I will do is and I do with my kids as well I don't tell them what to do I will paint out the playing field for them I will tell them this is option a option b if you're asking me option A is a better option and I'll try to make it clear so that it's easier for the person to make a decision guys ask me all the time they're going out with the girl and they want to know if they should marry her or not I will not tell a guy you should marry this girl what I will tell them is look at the benefits and look at the look at the the drawbacks and the benefits are a b c and d there's a drawback over here and it could be a serious drawback right but there's a drawback now this is what you're looking at now you make a decision and I could tell you what will happen if you make thisis what will happen you make this but I'm not going to tell you what to decide I could try try to paint it out people with with far superior Torah knowledge than myself can make it even clearer right so the better the more Torah knowledge somebody has the better that that he can help you to make the decision but for a person who does not have unless you're confident some decisions are you know no brainers but for a person who's got serious decisions that you got to you got to make so you have to uh you have to have somebody who could help you like any other if somebody's investing money they're going to go get financial advice and you're going to look for the financial advice of the best person you could possibly find so when it comes to life advice you look for somebody who can help you but again at the the end of the day you have to make your own decision Yeah question it's 10 words or less question so two questions you say about woman like giving the right decisions like I don't like what about like you okay and since then what's been the problem kav you're right kava messed up but he had free choice okay go leave leave leave biblical examples out because biblical examples people draw people always draw on biblical example you know Rashi women who want to wear Fillin they well rashi's daughters wore fillan yeah well you know a I I don't know if it's true but let's say assuming it's true but we don't know what else rashi's daughters did and we don't know when they wore filling you know it could be rashi's daughter first got married did everything their husbands wanted them to do did not have did not hack about getting an Aliyah and then in the privacy of their home put on fil so we don't know all the background so you can't give a Biblical example I'm talking practical right now my second question is let's just say like I'm first and you have a lot of pressure on you like having like like you look like your sister your siblings are looking up to you right but you can't control like what's going on CU you're a lot of pressure because sometimes your parents are pressing so what's the question the question how do you control the the like the pressure and anger and all that stuff your pressure or their pressure my pressure cuz I I I'm very pressure of like oh you got to finish a degree you got get you got get into the program you got finish you gotta get married this that how do you so it's a question how do you handle parental pressure yeah okay how you handle parental pressure depends on what kind of communication you have with your parents if your parents are people that you could speak to and you're able to communicate with them and it doesn't just turn into an emotional an emotional shouting match uh that sort of thing so then you speak like anything else you communicate and you present your you present your position you listen carefully and respectfully to their position and then afterwards you consult with a rabbi or a mentor to find out now what should you do on a personal level what you should do you have to know the ground rules going in the ground rules going in is you get nowhere by arguing with people never argue because you get nowhere arguing gets you nowhere and what you do is you go in and you have a discussion and you try to paint the picture at the end of the day if you are a person who is independent then you're going to be making your own decision your person cannot live their life based on what their parents want them to do you have to tell your parents I take very seriously your considerations and I realize what you would like me to do but at a certain point you have to make your own decisions because if you don't make your own decisions so then there's no end to that sort of thing then your parents want you to live in a certain place they want you to marry a certain person they don't want you to go somewhere they don't want you to live over here they want you can't live your life for your parents and if your parents again if you could speak to your parents you will find out that your parents also didn't do everything they were told to do by their parents right and that your parents themselves plenty of times their parents wanted them to do something and they did something else just parents sometimes forget that they were once 20 years old or or 19 years old or 22 years old but at a certain point in life a person has to say listen I appreciate that and the only thing you're parents have over you is number one the mitah to respect them which has limitations because if a person for example wants to leave home and go to study Torah in out out outside of state or in Israel then you're not obligated by to obey your parents number one and number two uh you have to honor your parents even when you're disagreeing with them you cannot become disrespectful but that you have a right to make your own decisions that you have that right well let's just say say you can't marry this right so the says openly you do not have to obey your parents when they object to Ling a certain go unless he's not Jewish but says says you don't have to obey however however I would tell you that if your parents do object to the girl that you're going to marry you should take their opinion weigh their opinion very carefully because your parents probably know you better than you know yourself and your parents want what's best for you if you sense that your parents objection is only because of their own peer pressure and it's what others will say that has nothing to do with you but if your parents are genuinely type of parents who the relationship as such that they're very concerned for you they're only concerned about you and they object to tell you no this girl is not good for you then a person has to take their their objection into consideration very seriously mayor go ahead just many times I've seen myself and other people that has learned valuable lessons from movies so I just wanted to ask what's the re we really get away from all that culture since from time to time there is good that's a very good question there are a lot of things to learn from movies movies could be very educational because every time there's a movie on I leave and I go and study so movies could be very educational the uh uh the truth of the matter is there are a lot of interesting things to see in movie our objection is not the medium of a screen and P and and and and and the camera and popcorn in the background that's not our objection our objection to movies Obed to movies or television or any of these things is because there are always inappropriate sites and inappropriate ideas that are being produced in the movies first of all let's just take before we even get to immorality let's talk about violence okay the average American Teenager the average American I once read a study the average American Teenager by the time he was 18 years old he has seen 20,000 murders on TV okay now that's just on TV but that does something to you right that that that obviously does something to you it doesn't make you into a more refined person all right so it's it's having an effect thing that's just the violence okay then you get to the immorality and you get the you know and every movie nowadays you know in every movie nowadays like you know people ask me about listening to non-jewish m music I said you're that's not it's not prohibited to listen to non-jewish music as long as it's not a woman singing and it's not suggestive lyrics so there goes non-jewish music you know you understand it's it's not something that the medium is inherently prohibited they do have what's called hold hold for one second they they they have what's called kosher movies they they have for from kids they have kosher movies for girls it's only women actors actresses you know from Jewish women actresses which maybe a an oxymoron but it's a you know and you know or they have a performance for girls you know where people could sing whereas women singing for girls because a man can't listen for singing so it's not the medium is there what to learn from from movies you know there always something you could pick up very interesting facts very what do you call it the uh uh I I was fascina I mean there were movies that I saw when I growing up you I saw the Godfather you know Mafia techniques were were fascinating you know so there's always something you can learn from different stuff the problem is not the medium the problem as I say the problem is not the medium the problem is what happens with that Medium what's it used for for the mo and we know what it's used for for the most part that's that that's the problem the same thing when it comes to sports uh uh you know Sports is probably the most innocent of all diversions the problem is you know you watch a football game you know you don't become a more refined person watching a football game you know ohow did you see that hit you know you know you watch a boxing match and you see guy's head snap back and in slow motion they show his head snap and the sweat coming off you know wow you know it doesn't make you a that's as of it so we all have a little bit of we all need an outlet otherwi because we're not machines so everybody needs to know where to draw that line you know that that sort of thing but somebody wants you know I once told somebody when you drive particularly in Israel especially in Israel if you drive in Israel you will not be the same person when you get out of that car you will either be a better person or a worse person you're not going to be the same person right in America you know I remember driving in America my son who who was born and raised in Israel so he was driving he was driving in Columbus Ohio and he came home he said you know I'd get to this four-way stop and I got to this four-way stop and everybody stops and they're waiting for me to pass he said I couldn't drive like that you know he drives in Israel said that can't drive like that where everybody's polite and letting you go how can you drive like that you you got to get behind he couldn't handle it he was he was scarred from driving in America so so the same thing you know when when you come out of these things you're either a better person or a worse person you know and the idea that something's educational you know you always have to weigh the benefits I'll tell you where is extensive Nathan I haven't forgot on you I this extens of the telephone is a telephone the medium called a telephone forget nowadays just a telephone that's attached to the wall where you're is the medium of a telephone a good thing right everybody says yes why is it yes cuz you could communicate with people who says that's such a good thing and could what do you call it and if there's an emergency you could call people and so on and so forth on the other hand do you think that there's been more Lush and Horus spoken in the world since before the telephone or after the telephone maybe it's not such a good thing maybe one person speaking of more L wipes out the all the benefits of a telephone and when you stop and think that reim keski never had a telephone in his home ever a regular phone never had a phone seems seems to have done okay so it's always a question of yeah what look at the benefits yeah but you always look at the benefits you have look at the drawbacks what are the benefits and what are the drawbacks if you want a very extreme example it's an extreme example and I'm only throwing it out as a question I'm not going to go into a discussion and a what you call it was recapturing the Western Wall in 1967 good for the Jews or not good for the Jews oh good you get to go to the Western wild okay on the other hand have there been as a result of that Jews that have gone up on the Temple Mount and are now liable for misab with premature death yes so maybe that eventuality outweighs the benefit of having captured the Western Wall you there's nothing simple in life emotionally you know yeah the Western you know let's go to Dakota emotionally yeah but when you stop and think about it I don't know you could have it in a sh without people being Shay you could di in a sh without people going up on the W you know that sort of thing so all these things are always you have to weigh out the benefits the cost what's it called the cost something efficiency the the the you know it's not simple it's not simple but the movies it's the medium of the movies Nathan where are we going to ask go ahead I know you can't listen to anything there are certain dubious leniencies about if you don't see her if it's on on video but for the most part it's it's it's Spotify you don't see you're just listening to music I don't know exactly what Spotify is but if it's you're listening to woman singing then then there are certainly views in Hal that is prohibited even if you don't see her even if you don't see her more yeah yeah please again your first name is Isaac good I saw some Rec okay good you seen it and why is it not us not more widespread excellent question why aren't we all wearing tras if they're producing Tas so first of all there are several issues here I'll tell you what the secondary issue is then we'll get to what the real what the main issue is the secondary issue is that we still don't know that that's the authentic trist and anybody who could prove it they they think they could prove it but they can't prove it uh there different people have claimed and the proof that they can't prove it is because several different people have different proofs that they think that they have what's called Tas so if if it's been proven so there should be no argument about it that's the secondary issue the primary issue is that we don't make these sort of decisions on our own we turn to the leading halic authorities of the generation the RAB mosha Feinstein and the rebel yashiv and kkis of the generation and they are as uh uh um concerned about meticulous Torah observance as we are they are just as concerned and yet not one of them the K and the none of them wor even though there were people that their Generations also claim that they have found authentic trus it's not the first thing the you know the people in the factory in the in the Laboratories in SAS in our generation are not the first people who claimed they found authentic clist so as a Torah Jew I don't make my own decisions when it comes to issues like this what I Look to do is see what are the Torah authorities doing cu let get start with the given the given is they care about it a lot more than I do they're more conscientious than I am and therefore since they're more conscientious and they know all the ins and outs of all the arguments and they're still not doing it so then I don't do it I have no reason to do it because they're not doing it obviously they do not because if they felt that it was important they would make it they would make it publicly known like other things that are important they make it publicly know that we should not be that we should all be wearing to number one then you get the technical issue of who said that that proves it who said that that proves it and number three the the leading H authorities are of the opinion that we have lost the M we've lost the tradition and you could prove it from today till tomorrow but you need a m you need a tradition in order to determine not a not not a laboratory but again I I've seen all these Laboratories right how come there are 10 Laboratories all claimed so you know which one is the which one is the correct one Rabbi H ler the rener revi in 1895 claim claimed that he found some sort of some sort of uh secret Marine creature and he did all he put out an entire safer this thick claiming that he proven and he was a massive but the the leading th authorities of the generation did not accept it R do wear do wear TR in our day and age and a lot of people live in SAS but the uh the the the what do you call the that we were're not you know if rosha Feinstein didn't wear Tas he knew all about it he know everything I know he knew and he still didn't wear TUS yes ay I was wondering uh if one of the reasons why women have to dress modestly is because they're not trying to impress a man they're not trying to you know get a guy to go out with them right so what's the point of wearing makeup they're not try to impress any good question good question the women uh a woman is a lot it's excellent question women the the line in sne what we call modesty for women a there are certain uh letter of the laws the letter of the law is that a woman's allow to have her elbows exposed shall have her knees exposed so on and so forth then you get to the spirit of law the spirit of law is that a woman shouldn't do anything that is eye ey catching and attractive that is going to attract attention and uh it's so much so that a group if you want to hear really amazing a group of from women teachers in one of the seminaries I'm we're talking about Syria from you know the Fest of the from you know the the uh what do you call it you know they living in benra and they grew they went to Rabbi stman stman zel and they asked him what could they do in the school to strengthen snas in the school in the girl Seminary and we talking about a from from Seminary you know they were seriously from R staman said that when the teachers leave the building the teachers he didn't even talk about the students he said when the women teachers leave the building they shouldn't walk out in a group together because a group of women together is very it draws a lot of attention that wasn't what the teachers were expecting to hear by the way but that's what he said to them that means that that a that anything that draws attention is inappropriate and there's often a spirit of the law as opposed to the letter of the law on the other hand the nature of a woman is that she is allowed to look presentable and put together so a woman is allowed Cosmetics a woman is allowed to what do you call it in number one she's allowed the basic way which it's a very difficult you know one man's basic is another man's extreme you know but a woman is allowed to feel good about how about her appearance but it shouldn't be when the woman is putting on her makeup and putting on her Cosmetics or wearing her outfit it shouldn't be for the sake of other men looking at her as a matter of fact the gor says that one of the whaton mag had a grandson andon mago's grandson uh was was hon Mago did you ever hear of hon the Circle Maker he drew the circle and he got in and he said God I'm not getting out of the circle until it rains and he had a grandson and his grandson was one of the was the goad door they used to come to him to DAV for rain and his wife dressed herself up to she she dressed to the nines what's it called she dressed herself up put on all of her fancy clothing and makeup in the house so that when her husband comes home he sees his wife looking her best so he shouldn't be thinking about other women but for a woman to put on you know sometimes women women walk around the house they they they they they they look like matter without form you right and and then when they get when they're getting ready to go to the doctor you know all of a sudden they dress themselves up or when they're going out they dress themselves up so many women will tell you they dress up for other women which is true women dress for other women but if a woman is dressing thinking about men then it's already inappropriate but a woman is allowed to look presentable number one and number two a girl of marriageable age has to make sure she looks presentable because there are other women looking at her to check for a so two followup questions if I may so why not like if a woman who's wearing like something maybe like like knee length or elbow length but they're not doing that to impress a guy because that the says is inherent there's an that's inherently inherently not not acceptable and then if the whole idea is not about bringing attention then why don't we do like what the Muslims do and like make them have like job and like because so ironically there are there are are certain Jew from women who do I don't know what it's called sometimes you see them they're wearing these it looks like it looks like looks like a portable tent uh you know and and and they they're they're they're in their thing and there are many who feel that that's inappropriate because that's different than what everybody else is doing and therefore that's drawing attention to that if everyone it's but everybody isn't and everybody isn't going to and since everybody well women do have to keep themselves covered to so everything should be covered that's our our version of what's it called the hijab or whatever it is but but at least our women when they cover themselves they'll go around trying to stab soldiers but the uh the uh you know they don't keep a knife under there or explosives but the the uh the the the the women the women are not expected to do anything beyond what the social Norm is as long as it is appropriate and a woman who wears one of these things so one of the counterarguments again I'm not taking a position here I'm just telling you that it happens to me draw more attention that draws more attention even in a neighborhood I'll tell you even in a neighborhood where the women tend to dress on shabas they dress nicely very nicely dress up and during the week they wear regular respectable clothing and there's a woman who feels she likes to dress up like wearing like shabas clothing all week which are all sne but then she has to ask herself if in her Society there's not calling more attention to herself simply because of the contrast with the other women these are very delicate things very delicate things and at the end of the day how BR knows what a person is what a person Dylan go ahead I have some friends and family who've been um are going through like the reform conversion and like my my father he he did it and he says things sometimes that like make a mockery like making BR on for food or like he he honestly was very against becoming Yesa and being more religious because I think it's like threatening he told me the other day he wants to be buried in a Jewish cemetery it's like I don't I don't even know how to respond I I when I hear this stuff it's like I would say the first thing I would say is we'll talk about it after you die and the uh the uh what you call that's a that's already you're you're you're into the realm of Hal questions a practical know what to say so you that's something you need to speak to about bro it's about about what do you call you change the subject that's the first thing you know but as far as what the actual is you'd have to speak to about that okay but it is uh it's very admirable that you that you're able to the most important thing is to maintain your composure and not let people rattle you when people attack attack you know and they they they everybody's got an opinion yeah that's good long you don't don't get rattled by it that's all yeah yeah go ahead Jonathan I know I know you don't like these kind of wide questions but we have the description but you'll ask anyway yeah go ahead yeah of the Jour all the the sort of all the journeys that the Jews took coming Egypt and then we have sort of right after when we come to Canaan we have Hashem asking the Jews to commit like wholesale Slaughter basically go ahead what's the question sorry that might be that might be an unfair representation but he's saying what's a question the question is what's the connection between depicting like all the journeys they've gone through and then that's a specific question leave that for dep par okay in general I today's General general question time yeah good so while we're here there's a lot to that there's a lot that we're learning and accounting for like and a lot of the learnings from all the different classes so how do we make a proper hone that factors in a nice chunk of everything without driving us crazy in introspection that's that's also that's a very important question in other words when you're dealing with Yiddish kite how do we maintain balance and not drive ourselves nuts and this it mean requires everybody everybody being very very much in touch with who they are and what level they're holding on so for example let's say you read about a great Rabbi who was in the habit of fasting every Monday and Thursday you know there are people who did that there were great rabbis are in habit of fasting or other other rabbis who never ate more than one portion of food make sure they never ate more than one portion of food anytime we read about things or hear about things which are on a very high level it's wonderful for us and we could incorporate it into our life at our level that means oh this Rabbi fasted on Monday and Thursdays maybe for myself what I'll do is next time I have lemon mering pie I'll limit it to one piece I'm not fasting and I'm not going to limit myself and I'm not I'm not doing what and keski went on one and a half hour sleep per night or two hours sleep per night so maybe I'll incorporate in myself and instead of sleeping till 10: tomorrow morning I'll try to get up at 9 cut down that extra unnecessary hour of sleep but a person has to be very very careful to know who they are and again this often requires a mentor to balance you know and my uh uh uh standard for anything that a person is trying to grow in yish kite are you getting nervous nervous are you getting nervous about it I'm trying to say that I'm trying to dve in more slowly and have more cavana and it's making me nervous then you're not holding by that level yet then don't do it because you're getting nervous and you shouldn't be nervous in you should be b b doesn't mean jumping on a trampoline on top of a on top of a car out in public with a bottle of beer in your hand that's not bka or a bottle of vodka that's not Simka Simka means that you're upbeat and you're you're upbeat and you're energized that's what Simka is and you walk around smiling as opposed to frowning and walk around that you look like you're enjoying life as opposed to my goodness I've been I've fallen into the clutches of this oppressive demanding religion right and if a person is taking on ideas taking on a behavior and you're finding that you're overwhelmed then you're getting nervous that means you're not doing something right and therefore you need to speak to somebody and find out what needs to be cut this is not you've bid off more than you could chew I know people who want to become sadim over overnight I want to be aoic I've been I've been not great my entire life I've feel guilty about my beh I want to be aoic don't be aaic just be a mench don't try to be atic takes a while to be atic just be a mench and if you're takeing out say I'm going to help anybody who asks for my help anytime anywhere under any circumstances and you're not really that person all that's going to do is it's going to drive you baddy and therefore a person has to have personal guidance on as soon as you feel you know something doesn't feel right here and it's very important to feel this doesn't feel right I'm trying to do something that he's doing that's often a problem is looking at other people I'm trying to do what he's doing it doesn't feel right for me then you need to have guidance because it may not be the right thing for you yes this is kind of a two-faceted question in regards to uh secular Jewish friends that I have uh or the one has to what extent is it my responsibility to to guide them away from AAS good and to what extent should I be maybe distancing myself from them if they're so far off the path to get a good friend I have good you have zero responsibility zero responsibility to guide them you have to first guide yourself and guiding yourself ends up becoming the best way to guide them somebody had asked earlier about uh uh who was it the somebody asked earlier about uh uh uh um you can't tell anybody or get anybody to do anything and experience shows that the only way somebody asks what do I do about my what do I do about friends who are negative influence friends who are a negative influence the answer is the more you refine yourself your negative friends will by definition start leaving you alone the better you are and the more refined you are the guys who are less refin are going to start drifting away by on their own you don't need to you don't need to to do anything actively on the other hand you can maintain a connect you could certainly it's a good to maintain a catcher to maintain a uh uh communication with your secular male friends there's with secular male friends it is certainly a good idea to maintain a Casher but it's got to be on your terms so for example when you go home if you go for a visit your friends want to go out it's only going out where or doing something where you yourself would do it if you weren't with your friends so you're already in a place where you wouldn't be going to a bar then can't go bar with your friends right if you would go bowling so you could go bowling with your friends if you're a person who still goes to movies you could go on movies with your friends but it depends where you but you don't do anything for maintaining the the the uh uh the connection that you wouldn't be doing you're only doing it for the sake of trying to keep them because that you don't do that you don't do you keep the connection and there's nothing wrong with keeping the connection and you should keep the connection and you will find by definition that you're going to have certain friends are going to drift away because they think you're a religious fanatic they're not going to have they feel we have nothing in common and I've been asked this by Bal chuvas I had one guy here at the Yesa years ago he told me every time he went home he was the youngest of four brothers one of the brothers was intermarried the other two brothers were were whatever but none of them were very every time he came home so it turned into a Lynch they would go out with his brothers and they would just turn into a bash session on religion so finally he was a very good guy very very very uh very he had his head screwed on straight finally he said to his brothers listen if every time I come home we get together you know you're not going to change me and I'm not going to change you if all it's going to turn into is an unpleasant bashing I just not going to come home CU I come to visit so then what do you talk to your brothers about what do you talk to your friends about well what did you ever talked about you talked about sports right you talked about beer and you talked about girls so girls you can't talk about right but you can certainly talk talk about sports you certainly had things in common talked about money you had certainly had things in common other than religion I mean you stop and think about honestly how much religion did you talk to your friends about anyway right so whatever it was that you did had in common you played ball with them so play ball with them what's wrong with it you went golfing with them so go golfing with them what's nothing wrong with it you can maintain a connection if you really want to you could and if they want to you could it's not a problem there are many people who have maintained very good healthy relationships with their family where their families haven't moved one iota religiously and with their friends or their friends haven't moved on Iota religiously but if you're going to be an annoying person and you're going to be and they're going to be feeling an underlying you know that you're trying to get them to make bras or put on situs or or to be from that sort of thing they're going to sense that and and everything you're doing you're being overly friendly so that they'll get interested in finally asking you so why are you religious you know your whole goal that's your whole agenda is to get them talking about why you're religious they'll sense it and then it's going to drive everything every away and you should go in there I'm not planning on being the car of anybody I'm not trying to can't from going there just to maintain a friendship and then if they bring it up then I'd be willing to talk to can you maintain a friendship with NJ that you're friend you could maintain a friendship with mjws but in general in general our are are we we try to keep you see that there are even safeguards instituted in the gamor not to drink their wine and not to eat their cooked food to maintain a distance between up Us and Them well if they cook even kosher food you can't there were safeguards that were instituted to maintain to try to maintain a distance between us and the non-jews so you could be decent you certainly have to be decent with non-jews and you can be friendly with non-jews but we don't try not to socialize at them in other words uh in the office you can be friends with them in the office as long as obviously it doesn't turn into crude crude uh uh office talk that sort of thing but we try to maintain an arms length as far as socially yeah beel go ahead at what point in a first can someone need a little more in terms of their good good the the rule is generally if a person feels you know I think I'd like to try taking on something else and sometimes it's worth trying right and then seeing how it feels and if a person tries and they see so I'll give you one one one classic example let's say a person decides I'm not recommending this but any let's say a person decides I want to work on my physical desires so I'm going to try cutting out dessert I usually eat dessert and I'm going to try not eating dessert it's not necessary so I don't need it for healthwise I just enjoy it let's see if I could handle not eating dessert just to try to push myself a little bit to that that extra okay so a guy skips dessert and you know there's a nice dessert there's a nice piece of cake or whatever it is nice piece of pine a guy skips dessert how do you feel an hour later do you feel wow that was really that was really uplifting exerted self or you sit down and open up a gamorra and they sayar dessert right and and it's still on your head if it's still on your head an hour later you know what just go eat this dessert you know you're not holding by that that's not that's that's not where we're holding natural that when you're to no because there there are many people who the pull is a it depends when the pull is there everybody has that pull while you're facing the test everybody has the pull for the dessert that everybody has once you get past that then what is the next stage what's the next stage an hour later are you regretting it or an hour later do you feel wow that was energizing I feel and you learn better and your mzes are better and you're treating people better because of that that that added to your that added to your entire overall energy if that's what happened then it's a good thing and if you're feeling tense and nervous then you're not ready for it this is only in impermissible areas if something's forbidden then then I don't care what kind of mood you're in right if the person's in a they could be on an airplane and they have a non- kosher meal and they don't have your kosher meal I don't care what kind of bad mood you're going to be and you just can't eat it but this is this is for the optional areas yeah Blake good but with your friend going back to the friends if you're defense who are less religious if you're talking about sports and money and all the different doesn't that reduce on your your your refinement levels only if you cross the line into inappropriate crude Behavior I once asked the Rabbi when I cuz I grew up modern Orthodox and I wanted I was meeting some Modern Orthodox friends and I asked them how I'm supposed to behave he told me just behave the same way you always used to I said to them yeah but I'm not really like that anymore he said yeah but they don't know that they don't need to know that because all they need to know is that that that what any encounter with you is a pleasant encounter what you really are is something else but they should have a pleasant experience if they have a pleasant experience with you as a religious person then the chances are much better that will investigate the religion but if they have an unpleasant experience with you because all you do is all you do is is is talk Aramaic and imply that they're that they're going to go to that they're going to burn and G him uh so so then then then you're then you're going to lose them who's interested in having anything to do with you you make me uncomfortable last one go ahead Al I was just going to ask a quick question what's the difference between orod what makes you think it's a quick question it was a quick question Who said it's a quick answer I the answer is that uh the ostensibly you know modern Orthodox the expression modern orthodo does not come from CI so it's a man-made expression uh uh it it apparently refers to incorporating modernity with Torah but then again I also use a train and a car and telephones so I'm pretty modern also so I'm not sure exactly where the line is is if it involves compromising so it doesn't matter what you call it it's an AA if somebody says well I'm modern Orthodox therefore I not obligated to do this or I could be uh uh less conscientious in areas that I'm obligated uh so then I don't care what you call it then you're not doing what you have to do specific examples yeah uh if a woman wears a sleeve elbow above the sleeve uh the sleeve above the elbow because she's modern Orthodox or she's wearing a head covering that exposes more than a te of hair so then you know that's already transgressing the letter of the law not the spirit of law so I I don't know to this day I don't know modern Orthodox exactly where that line is often people use the superficial definition that if you're wearing a black suit and a black coat and a black hat then you're hered and if you're wearing a knitted yarma and a white shirt and you with yavan without a hat and a jacket than your modern earthx you know these are all very very superficial uh I think that more important is that in your own mind if you in your own mind if you would be invited to a k wedding uh you'd be very surprised if there wasn't a m there and if you invited to a modern Orthodox wedding you'd be very surprised if there was so that tells you something about a life approach and where the emphasis is on the religion and whether El is on the modern that's right but that is already something that's very very tricky and and uh you know each person has their own idea of what it refers to all right guys to