Q&A: Dealing with a Narcissistic Spouse - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] the next question comes from a listener who suffered terribly while being married for several years to a very abusive person who she claims was a narcissist dear rabbi Sean Bach I've been married to for many years in person who was highly abusive to me he would tell me how to cook how to clean what to wear but would never tell me ever that he actually loves me I've been very very disturbed by this for a long period of time and although I listened to your lectures and your videos about attachment and being kind in marriage somehow no matter what I did no matter what tricks I tried no matter how I tried to change my forms of communication my husband would just not be nice to me I feel that then living with an abusive person who may be a narcissist please tell me what to do dear listener thank you for that great question and I just want to caution everyone that a lot of the advice I give on these videos may not apply exactly to you and this is a very good case I've been teaching for many years the importance of healthy communication which means expressing affection appreciation and listening and validating however according to the viewer that wrote on this question she tried all of these things above and her spouse did not want to listen to her therefore let me tell you as follows everything I talk about on these videos may apply to you except if you're married to a highly abusive person an abusive person of course is extremely difficult to live with they are blamers they usually have a lot of anger and the bottom line is it's my way or the highway it is extremely painful being married to such a person often these persons are called narcissists a narcissist is somebody who only sees their own feelings and their own thoughts they had difficulty or it's impossible for them to perceive the other person is feeling or thinking these are very very difficult people to help and in truth most psychologists believe that a narcissist really cannot be helped unless they have many many years of therapy and many many years of support and most narcissists would not admit they have a problem because the problem is always somebody else's problem therefore many narcissists go untreated and unfortunately their spouses can suffer for many many years it sounds to me from what you're writing in that you perhaps are married to a narcissist the person you're married to wants to tell you what to do believes it's his way or the highway and is really never happy with you and that's really unfortunate because in a normal healthy relationship both people mutually have to listen to one another express affection in this relationship it sounds like it's just a one-way highway going in the wrong direction it's all about him and not about you but I want to give you some advice if in fact you've tried your best been kind to him use iMessages spoke with spoken with affection listen to him and he's still not responding he's just responding with a cold calculated attitude you can have to first protect yourself and I suggest you draw a line or create what we call a boundary around yourself a boundary means that you're not going to accept certain behaviors and most importantly you need to stop blaming yourself for your spouse's behavior I think in this case according to what you're saying enough is really enough you have to draw the line understand with a narcissist you have to stop feeling that it's your fault he needs to take responsibility for his behavior and the unfortunate truth is that in many cases perhaps it is possible that an abuse of marriage will not last it may be a painful thing to hear but the person you're married to may not be able to be in a healthy marriage they may need more help than you can provide before you take any drastic action so ever I really think you should go through a licensed and qualified therapist who specializes in two it appears who understands the dynamics of narcissism and can also meet with both of you and each of you individually so therefore you can ask your questions privately without being overwhelmed by your spouse and perhaps will give you more information about how to deal with this how to set boundaries and in the worst situation it may lead towards the separation but a necessary one in order for your spouse to understand that you were truly a victim of his narcissism welcome to this new series in Hebrew called marriage matters my name is rabbi Daniel Samba and I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world via Skype on this important series I will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue dealing with family relationships but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your question and I'll try to answer as many questions on this Michelle