"Pursuit to Bettering our Lives" with R' Moshe Meir Weiss

A good Shabbos everyone. A royal welcome. Thank you for giving your Motzei Shabbos to the pursuit of bettering our lives and learning Torah Hashem. We begin with the Asher of Welcher with appreciation to Zak for making this year possible and to all of you for coming. We're running properly. Amen. For those that know me the subject of Shalom Bayis is my favorite topic to talk about. Because there's no single topic that allows me with the help of Hashem to touch the lives of so many people through its discussion. And in every facet of your life. Because the way we are at home first of all rewards us with the Shechinah if we live correctly. And when you have the Shechinah you have everything. When we live successfully then our children will learn how to live successfully. There's no better way than teaching by example. When we have Shalom Bayis everything is so much sweeter. So I want to start by posing a question. How do you achieve a special marriage? You know, those marriages where you see the couples looking at each other in their special way where couples actually enjoy spending time with one another where they're actually talking together where you could hear them talking nicely to each other. You know, how do you get there? So, let me tell you something. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Such a marriage is absolutely abnormal. It's abnormal. It's not normal. So, you could quote me on this. To have a marriage where you're happy to be with one another where you talk nicely to one another, you look forward to each other it's not normal. Because you know it's the same old wife. It's the same old husband. There's nothing exciting about that. You know, we want everything new. Person has a car for 2-year LEASE, HE CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO BE OVER. GOT TO GET SOMETHING NEW. You know, the wife and the husband, they're much longer than 2-year lease. You know? It's not only that but the reality is the the stark reality is that when do we see each other? In the morning when we look a fright, we don't want anybody to see us in the morning. And my wife had a uh situation where the next door neighbor the the alarm was going off. So, she knocked on the door. And it took 10 minutes for the neighbor to come down. It was early in the morning, but my wife asked I said, "Look, you know, knock on the door, you know?" So, the woman said, "I'm sorry I kept you waiting, but I couldn't come down looking the way I I was. I just couldn't come down to the door, you know? I So, you know, we don't want anybody to see us in the morning. We look a fright. And that's that's what our husbands and wives see. And then, when else? At the end of the day, when we're finished. And wait, gets better. THE SPECIAL TIME BETWEEN HUSBAND and wife, Friday night, RIGHT? SPECIAL TIME. When we're completely a washed out dish rag. That's when That's when we see each other. And it's supposed to be special? You think about it. It's like A IT'S LIKE DINING. IT'S VERY HARD TO PAY ATTENTION TO THAT. It's the same old dining over and over and over again. IT'S THE SAME HUSBAND, THE SAME WIFE. WE USED TO UH WE don't even need to talk. Yeah, I know. I know. I know what you were going to say. You know, I know. We're supposed to make something SPECIAL OUT OF THAT? And then, with all of life's pressures, WHEN WE'RE JUST LOOKING, YOU TAKE CARE OF IT. NO, YOU TAKE CARE of it. Uh you take care of it. Right? So, that we're supposed to make something magical out of that? So, the question is, how do you do it? So, the first thing is somebody is tempted to say, "Well, you know, if I would be if I would have been as smart as I am now when I picked, I would have picked wiser. I'M STUCK WITH WHAT I HAVE NOW. WITH THIS MERCHANDISE, you can't make anything special. You know, if I would have, you know, be Yeah, you know, I see some people they they they were smarter than me. They chose wisely. That's very wrong thinking. If you just came to hear this alone, it's worthwhile. Hashem is mezaveg zivugim. Hashem makes the matches. Ki mi Hashem yotzei ado. We have what was determined for us from heaven. It happens to be that in this week past week's parsha, there's a very fascinating medrish. The medrish says, sometimes the man goes to find his wife. That's what happened to Yakov. He went to find Rachel and Leah. And sometimes the wife comes to the man. That's what happened with Rivka. Vayeitzei Yitzchak lasuach basadeh, AND RIVKA IS COMING. RIGHT? SOMETIMES WHAT MI HASHEM yotzei ado. And then the medrish says, uh moshol. Medrish says, a story. It's not a moshol, it's a true story. You know, Melech had a thousand wives. Could you imagine that? Thousand wives. And you're bound if you have a thousand wives, then you have a Your children are a whole yeshiva system. A whole network. Right? Melech had thousands of children. And he had of his thousands of children, he had one. You're bound to have If you have a thousand wives wives, you're bound to have the boy in Lakewood, right? If you have a thousand wives, you're bound to have the best girl in Bais Yaakov. He had one girl that was wow. Alumite, I mean, she was beautiful, she was sneezestick, she was kind, she was charming, she had everything. Now, Hamelech had on his payroll, he had like all the kings in those days, he had astrologers. And the stargazers told him that this girl is destined to marry a homeless poor Jew. Now, although it says ain mazel Yisrael, that means that we could rise above the mazel, but it was in the stars that we don't follow the stars, don't get that, but this is what the Medrash says, they knew how to do it, Hamelech Yishak Mikol Adam, we don't know how to do it, but you know how to do it. And Hamelech said, "That's interesting. My daughter, who could get the most She's the crown princess, she could get the most aristocratic Hashem wants her to marry a poor homeless young man." So, you know what? We're going to He spoke to his daughter, got her permission. "We're going to make you a case study in order to teach Hashgacha Protis. We're going to teach people that Hashem controls the world." So, he put her on an island that was not accessible in a tower, wasn't a hungry tower, he gave her all the delights and wonderful books to read, and her friends came and visited, but he guarded the tower with 70 people from every angle that no man could get near it. And he said, "Okay, let's see how Hashem is going to do this." Okay. So, the hero of our story, our young man, is walking on a cold night. He has no family. He has no money. He has no coat. And he is teeth is chattering. It's freezing. He He doesn't even have the strength to walk TO A PARK BENCH. He's out in the field. And he finds that a animal attacked an ox. A dead ox lying in the ground. And the animal must have been a lion ate out the guts of the animal. And all that was left was the skeleton and the fur of the animal. So, listen, he's very tired. And he's very cold. So, he creeps in into the ox's innards, wraps himself up, and falls asleep. Amazing what you could do if you don't have the money. He has a good sleep. In middle of the night, there comes a vulture. And he sees dinner. Mhm, the rest of the ox is still The rest of the ox is still there. But there are a few other vultures. So, he decides he doesn't want to share the meal. After all, he's not He's not a He's not a ben Yisrael. He's not into chesed. He's not into sharing. He grabs the ox, picks it up in its mighty beak, and looks for a picnic area to eat his meal. And as he's flying, he sees the porch of the tower. And he lands on the porch of the tower, eats around what was left over of the ox, and then leaves. Sun comes streaming out. Our young man wakes up, crawls out of the axe. And he looks. Where is he? Maybe he died and went to heaven. He looks around. He goes to the edge of the porch. He sees a sea, sees a tower. He says, "Look, it's morning. I have to daven. And I'm going to fill it. I have to daven." So, he starts davening. The princess comes out to the porch and sees a young man davening pious. And she says, "Wow, how did he get here? Where did he drop from?" So, she started davening, too. They're both davening. They finished davening. She says, "Shalom aleichem. What are you doing on my porch? How did you get here?" So, he said, "Well, I'll tell you the honest truth. I don't know how I got here. I'm sorry I look so scruffy. I haven't bathed in a long time. And uh I'm sorry I'm not dressed well enough for such a wonderful girl, but I don't have the money. I seem to have been lifted here. I don't know who you are. I don't know why I'm here." And she said to him, "Well, you know, this is kind of magical." And they got to talking. And she says, "Obviously, you're my bashert. Will you marry me?" And he said, "Yes." And she took uh he took um uh uh a piece of wood that was on the porch and cut his hand and took out uh blood and wrote a ketubah. And Shammai Melech heard about it. And he asked the guards, "How did you miss him?" And they said, "Listen, we didn't see anybody." And he publicized this to let people know that shidduchim come from Hashem. Now, you'll say, "But, sometimes there's a divorce. I mean, you see that it's not always min Hashamayim." So, first of all, many divorces shouldn't happen. That's number one. As I've heard Rav Pam say many times, that somebody who sends away his first wife, the Gemara says, "Afilu mizbei'ach morid dim'ot." Even the altar cries. Now, what do you mean, "Even the altar?" The altar doesn't cry. Even the altar cries. So, Rav Pam said, "Even the altar that's hardened to the SLAUGHTER OF THOUSANDS OF ANIMALS A DAY, thousands of animals have their necks slit every day, so the altar is pretty hardened to sacrifice. Even the altar cries over a divorce." So, but I want to tell you something further. If you want to know for sure that you're married to your bashert, then look to see if you have children. If you have children, then that's proof positive. Especially if they're good children. If they're not good children, well, I don't know. But, if they're good children, the possuk tells us that remember, we're going to learn about it in this parsha, Esau is coming with an army, with 400 generals, to finally get even with Yaakov. And we know that Yaakov davens and prepares and and has an amazing gift, which he sends in different spurts, to to to Esau. And when Esau finally comes, he's calmed down. And don't forget, it helps that Yaakov has angels with him and you know you don't play around with angels. They could give you enough they could zap an army right you know right they could cause a supernova and kind of stuff like that so you don't play around with them. So Jacob introduces his family to and he lines them up Leah, Bilhah, Zilpah, Rachel. You know Joseph stood in front of Rachel but he lines up his whole family. And Esau asks him the oddest question. Me ailah loch. Who are these to you? What a queer question. You know if you introduce me to your to to your family would I say to you me ailah loch who are these to you? What do you mean who are these to you? Do you think they're the mailman's children? I mean what what what kind of question is that? And and Jacob gives HIM THE ODDEST ANSWER. HABONIM ASHER ELOHIM ARE THE children that that God chased graced your servant. And what about the women? Esau was more interested in the women anyway what do you ask him about the children? So Chazal tell us that me ailah loch ailah is the same letters as Leah. And what what Esau was asking Jacob and he said to him what are you doing with Leah? ME LEAH LOCH. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LEAH WE REMEMBER we were twins the older daughter to the older son. I was supposed to get Leah. What are you doing taking Leah away from me? What is Jacob's answer? I'll prove to you that she's my beshert. Because Habonim Asher Elohim are the children of Leah. Those children you think I would have got those children if it wasn't my beshert? If I didn't belong with her you think I would have gotten Reuben, Simeon, Levi? Who do you think I would have gotten? You have children. That's proof positive you're married to your beshert. Now when you know that you're married to your beshert, then you don't think to yourself, "Well, if only I had somebody else, somebody more caring, a better listener, somebody who was wasn't so self-centered, SOMEBODY WHO WASN'T SO ADDICTIVE, SOMEBODY WHO WAS AH, IF ONLY I HAD, THEN things would be different." Once in a rebellion of God, he said a wonderful line. He said, "It's not a question of whether you made the right choice. It's making the choice right. You got to make out of your choice right." And truth of the matter is is you make the right choice. Kim Asher Yatzar and since our boy coming TO US OF LOT 40 DAYS before the embryo was created, Hashem decided that we are for each other, THEN THAT MEANS HASHEM BUILT US FOR each other. And if we live right, we could have that special match. That's a guarantee. There's very good news in that because it's never too late to recalibrate like like the GPS does. It's never It's never too late to recalibrate. You have people that don't have special marriages because they're not they're not doing things right. So, the first step, and this is a big step, there's a possuk. The possuk says the tar hugger of a tailor's vein. Hagar conceived and had a child. And Rashi says a very odd thing. Rashi says mibiyerishain. She had the child from the first time. Now, why do we have to know that? I I we don't teach this to the children in cheder. But why do we have to know I have to know that she conceived the very first night? The The very first night, the night of the marriage? You know, THERE'S CERTAIN TIMES we we know we have to know it. For example, the Bnei Yisrael. They conceived the first time because that was the only time they were with their father. So, Hashem had to make a miracle because it's not natural to conceive the first time. Ish u'Beito mi'b'rishonah. RUS WITH BOAZ HAD TO CONCEIVE the first night because that night Boaz died. So, it was either now or never. Same thing is true with Tamar, with Yehudah. She became pregnant with the twins RIGHT AWAY, THE FIRST TIME. THAT WAS THE That was the chance she got. SO, BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO KNOW THAT IT WAS THE FIRST TIME? That I What? To make Sarah feel bad? Why do we have to know it was the first time? AND WHY WHY DID HASHEM DO THAT? SO, there's a very fascinating midrash. The midrash says it's to teach us thorns grow by themselves. You never see somebody go out and plant thorns, thistles. You never see somebody Oh, I got to Honey, I GOT TO GO OUT TO THE BACK. I GOT TO WATER MY THORNS. I OH, I GOT TO TAKE OUT THE WEEDS. OH, excuse me, I have to I have to I have to plow around. I have to put some fertilizer on the weeds. Weeds grow by themselves. Wheat, that's a whole different story. You want to have wheat, you got to put a lot of work into the wheat. You got to plow the ground before. You got to water it. You got to put down fertilizer. You got to come out and weed it. You got to come come out and watch it. You got to come out and thin it out. You want to weed. You want to know how to have a special marriage? There's only one way. You have to put a lot of work into your marriage. And I'm going to tell you a recipe from baseball. Recently, the Mets had a pretty good season. Could have been a little better, but it was pretty good. All right, they made it all the way to the World Series. And you have to hear people talking. My Mets ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES. What do people mean my Mets? What you you you're a part owner? You wish it. What do you What DO YOU MEAN MY PEOPLE YOU HAVE TO HEAR THEM. THEY'RE THE MY METS. MY TEAM. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? BECAUSE PEOPLE spend a lot of hours on the Mets. They listen to the game. They read about it in the paper. They're my iron. Should this player be pitching? This pitcher go? Should he be on the roster? They When they put time in it, IT BECOMES THEIRS. IT'S MY METS. YOU PUT TIME in your marriage, it'll become special. And here's, by the way, another By the they say, "Yeah, the marriage is good. You know, the best time in the marriage is the first 20 years when you're young. You have the passion. You know, you got all the But by Yidden, a marriage gets better. The more you put into the marriage, the closer you become. The more meaningful it is. But you have to put a lot of time in the marriage. Now, most people, by the way, don't do this. They don't. What do you What do you mean work on my marriage? You know, we live together. I I I work. Work There's a lot of work in marriage. It's a When a woman gets up to shamayim, she's going to be asked, "Were you an ezer kenegdo?" Were you an ezer? Were you a helper? What do you mean helper? I I I I I I I did the laundry with me. What a helper. Let me help her. You know, people By the way, I I never liked that translation helper because it sounds like hamburger's helper, you know, it A woman doesn't like to be a helper. It sounds like the hired help. I always say a partner. But the truth of the matter is an A is a is such An A is a big thing. An A is a You know, just like we we we read about somebody like Rebel Yoshif was always learning. A woman doesn't have a mix with to learn. But a woman has a mix with to be an A. And in Shamayim after 120 days, you're going to say did you have a career of being an A? It's a career. An A means that a woman will know if her husband is down, she knows how to cheer him up. If If a husband is is frightened, she'll know how to help him through it. That's an A. An A knows knows her husband's dreams, knows her husband's foods. It's not a one-sided street. Cuz I'll tell a man that there's a mix with a seema is ishta. To make a wife happy. That's a mission in life. I always tell people we men like to have trappings of success. A nice toy, classy shoes, nice pair of glasses. All these things are trappings of success. A car, a house. Just trappings of success. But the biggest sign of a successful man is a wife that walks around with a smile on her face. Cuz that means a man is succeeding at at the seem of his sister. And as Rabbeinu Bachya ibn Paquda said, they asked Rabbeinu Bachya ibn Paquda, "How could you tell if a person has a good character?" So, knowing that Rabbeinu Bachya ibn Paquda was from the start talmud of the Ariza, you would think that Rabbeinu Bachya ibn Paquda would give some kind of a mystical answer. "I have to read his ketubah. I have to look at his mezuzah. Let me see his palm. Let me see the line, the ridges on his forehead." Rabbeinu Bachya ibn Paquda said no such thing. He says, "Show me how he treats his wife." That's the full synthesis and rainbow. The full fusion of all of his meters. His courtesy, his temperament, his sensitivity, his tolerance, his warmth. It's everything. And it's a lot of work. IT'S A LOT OF WORK. It means that your spouse is never far from your mind. Now, you'll say, "Rabbi Weiss, you know, come on. Be real. You know, let's live in the real world. The real world is that it says devekus twice in the Torah. Only twice. The dovak B'ISHTO AND THE VA'EHAVTA. Here's a reason why in yeshiva we sang Eishet Chayil. Now, in yeshiva, in Staten Island yeshiva, there wasn't a woman in sight. They better not have been. There wasn't a woman in sight. You have a You have a building full of 125 boys, not a woman in sight. But, Friday night we sang Eshet Chayil with gusto. Now, what's the reason? So, you'll say, "Well, you were husbands in training. They're training you." That's not the reason. Eshet Chayil is a metaphor for Torah. Torah is a morasha Yakov, the first pasuk we tell a child at the upsherin. Al tikrei morasha ela me'orasa. A betrothed. Torah and a wife are synonymous. That's why they're both called tov. Lo tov ish tov ki tov adam levado. And it says that Torah is tov ki lo tov adam levado. Cuz just like a person is supposed to always be thinking, "Can I learn Torah now? Did I do the daf? Was I m'aver sedra? Do I have some time to learn now?" Person always has to be thinking about a wife. You know, I'm late. I should call. You know, she's home alone. The whole day, maybe she's lonely. I should check up. You know, I'm I'm I'm here. I have a few minutes. Could I go into a store and pick up a snack that she likes? Or maybe I could pick up something from the store that would cheer her up? Get her a card? A wife 100% is the same way. A wife, she's out in the mall. You know what? I have a few minutes. I have a few dollars. What can I get to cheer my husband up? It's a connector. It That's the way we have to train ourselves to think. It needs A LOT OF WORK. A LOT OF WORK. I WAS getting I was getting uh my filling checked. So, you know, tfillin it's just tfillin is the is the there's a there's a a beer a bear hate them. In Hilchos Tfillin it's just Tfillin is the most kosher of mitzvahs I say. You know, tfillin Hashem aleichem yiche. So, the person was putting on new ritzyus. So, he said, you know, I need a few minutes. So, I went outside and right outside of the tfillin store there was a store that sold cosmetic jewelry. Now, my wife is she's a very very simple lady. But, I happened to notice a uh they had a something that I thought she would like. And it wasn't so expensive, so I bought it. So, the woman said, I said, you don't give wrap? She said, no, we don't give wrap. I said, it's a big mistake. It's all in the gift wrap. She said, well, I give you a box. I said, excuse me, if you were getting a present, wouldn't you want a gift wrap? She thought about it a minute. So, I do yourself a favor, you're in the business, get gift wraps, get bows. So, I took it somewhere else and I got a gift wrap with a bow. And I before Shabbos I gave it to my wife. Made her day. A smile. What is it? That That That's putting work into your marriage. YOU GOT TO PUT WORK into your marriage. And it's it's SO REWARDING BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT A SPECIAL MARRIAGE. NOW, I'm going to I'm going to tell you something else. We all know ish v'isha shalom bayis sh'china shruya baynayhem. Husband and wife if they have peace then the sh'china. With with what happens is is the yud of Ish and the Hey of Isha it's good come together and you have the same cup. So if you have a Ish, YOU HAVE GOD. Happens to be that there's a Benish guy in this week's parsha that says that but that's only half of Hashem's name, Yud Kay. That's why when you have a boy, you get the Vav. When you have a girl, you get the Hey. And that's Yud Kay Vav Kay. AND THAT'S WHY YAKOV SAID IN THIS WEEK'S PARSHA, Yakov said, "Give me my wife. It's time." Now Vav Vav Vav has an extra Vav and an extra Hey. GIVE ME MY WIFE WHICH will be Ka. And then when I have intimacy with her after a while I'll get the Vav and the Hey when I have a son and I have a daughter which he did when he had Reuven and Dina, right? So then you have the Yud Kay Vav Kay. It's a big thing to have shalom. But listen to what Rava says. And you know there's some people that wear many hats. Some people that it's amazing. You say give it to a busy person and he gets it done. Some people just they're Rosh Yeshiva, they're a Rav, they're Maggid Shiur, they're Rava was such a person. Rava wore many hats. Rava was the great Talmudist. How great? All over Shas there's Machlokes of Rava and Abaye. And in in the hundreds of time where Rava is mentioned in Shas, we always pasken like him except for six times. Yalkut Gam. Six times we pasken. So Rava was the most the most successful Talmudist. We have a a ruling psak Halacha like Rava de Basra. We pasken like Rava because he's from the last and he saw everything, right? He was able to see everything and you know when you see everything you build a pyramid. You're right away on the top. But Rava was also a Rav. And you know the hardest Rav to be is a Rav of a ritual. Cuz if you're Rav of a ritual, a lot rich people think they know all the answers. They used to getting people to listen to them. And to be a Rav of a ritual is a big challenge. Rav was Rav in Mechuza. Mechuza was a port city. The mouth says in the sets Kedushin, "Shani benai Mechuza denaidei." Mechuza was a very wealthy city. So Rav gets up this is before torahanytime.com. Rav gets up at the pulpit and he says, "Raboisai! Raboisai! Listen to me carefully. Hoi keiro neshaihu ki HEICHI DETISARU. HONOR YOUR wives in order that you should become rich." Now I know I'm a Rav. I don't have a ritual. I'm a Rav. And whenever I hear one of our great people giving a drasha, I always wonder what I would say. I have to tell you I would never say this. I would never say this. You know why? Because my balabatem would say, "He's telling us to honor our wives to become rich. Is that the only reason we should honor our wives? I mean, HONOR YOUR WIVES TO GET SHVERER. HONOR YOUR WIVES TO BE A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN. HONOR YOUR WIVES BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS IN THE KESUBAH. ANAV AFLAK VA'AIKEV. WHAT AM I TELLING YOU to honor to get rich?" Rav is a lot smarter than wise. Rav knows tell the people what they're going to listen to. People are interested in the cash. You tell them they're going to become rich. "Now I'm all ears. You mean if I'm nice to her I can get rich?" "Now I'm interested. Tell me what what's this all about? You know, what's what's what's the story?" He's a pragmatic person, Rav. See, we learned this out from a possuk. Ain brocha metzuyah bisai bayso shel adam ela bishvil ishto. Blessing is found in a person's house because of his wife. Shenemar b'Avraham heitiv ba'avurah. Avraham who was so rich that it said better than the better than the manure of Avraham than all the wealth of Avimelech. You want to know why he was rich? So, you would have asked me I would have said, "What do you mean why he was rich? He was a man of chesed, meaning the kindness meter. He showed such kindness. That's why he got money." You want to know why he was rich? He passed the ten nisyonos. He did akedas Yitzchak, the lech lecha, right? He went to rescue his his nephew risking his life. Yeah, yeah. He never had tzaros under a bonishon. What do YOU MEAN WHY WAS HE RICH? NO, NO, and no. Avraham heitiv ba'avurah. He was rich because of his wife. That's even Avraham. Somebody says, "I don't understand it. There are other people getting wealthy and I'm seeming to be stuck in a rut." It's a big incentive to be nice to your wife. Ain brocha shruya bisai bayso shel adam ela bishvil ishto. So, now a man says, "Well, you know, Rabbi Rabbi Weiss, that's tilted. Why don't you say that there's blessing in a house when a wife treats her husband nicely? I like the sound of that better." Look at the makeup of ish and ishah. The ish has a yud. And the ishah has a hey. Together the yud and the hey make the same word, but the hey is this world. Eila told us shemayim v'aretz b'hibaram, b'heibaram. Brocha in this world comes from the from treating a wife properly. Brocha comes from that. Avraham heitiv ba'avurah. Yeah, this we have to realize that any amount of effort that you put into your marriage is eternal. It's eternal. Rav Miller made a very strong point of this. That's why we get the information that in the Maras Hamachpelah, the Avos and the Imahos are buried zugos, AS COUPLES. AH, MIXED, MIXED. THEY'RE MIXED IN THE MARAS HAMACHPELAH. IT IT'S IT'S IT'S TOLD us they're buried zugos as couples. Why? Why isn't there separate seating in the Maras Hamachpelah? And the answer is because Hashem wanted to let us know that marriage extends into the next world. Marriage is Rav Miller called it the longest investment. The longest-term investment. And you have to ask yourself, something that's so important, that's so so important, because let's face it, Rashi tells us in Maseches in in Bechukosai, im ein shalom, ein kol. If you have no peace, you have nothing. Don't delude yourself. If you come home to knowing that it's going to be fireworks, it's not going to be quiet, you have nothing. You have nothing. Nothing to look forward to, nothing. A lot of times there's no light at the end of the tunnel. So, you have to WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE. WE HAVE TO WORK ON our marriage. And there's so many things to be done. But the first step, the very first step, is to make up your mind that you're going to work on your marriage. Now, that entails a lot of times doing things different. Now, we're allergic to that. Our comfort zone doesn't like us to move to different. We don't like to do different. We like to do the same. Especially if we're doing it the SAME WAY FOR YEARS, FOR DECADES. WE LIKE THE SAME. I don't like different. But guess what? You want to have a better marriage, you have to venture into the different. Now, more than that. There's another reason why we don't do different. Because if we do different, it's admitting that till now maybe we were wrong. And we don't like that at all. Oh, so you're you're not you if you're a good spouse, you don't have to point it out. You know, sometimes uh a husband asks his wife, "Can I get you something?" And she says, "Are you feeling all right?" Don't do that. Don't do that. The next time he'll ask is is is the next because of the harm if you do that. Don't do that. There there You know, and don't say, "I see that there's a difference. I am You you you you finally realized that you've been a a bum, right?" That That's That's exactly what not to do. You know, I I I've said this over in the past that I was once working with a certain bungalow colony to raise the mechitza. And they refused just to make it higher because there were some bungalows that were second floor and and they said, "No." And they said, "You know why? Because if we raise it, that means till now we were doing it wrong." And they didn't want that admission. Don't let that stop you. Now, the next thing that I'm going to say was worth coming to hear this also. Worth coming just for this worth the price of admission, especially since the price of admission was zero. But the uh You would have to allow a mechanism in your marriage for your spouse to be able to tell you that something isn't working. That was what my mother used to say. Now you wouldn't you wouldn't believe in how many marriages this is not possible. Because the other spouse gets defensive or gets irate. You're always picking on me. You're always criticizing me. You're always finding fault. Now the truth of the matter is is that could be very true. Cuz there's some people that always nitpick. And there's SOME PEOPLE THAT ALWAYS FIND FAULT. SO THAT'S for sure not good. Remember, it's it's not pleasant to live with somebody who's always finding fault. That that's not pleasant. So you you you have to do this sparingly. BUT THERE HAS TO BE a mechanism where you have a time where you could tell your spouse this isn't good. Well, I'll give you a I'll give you an example. Your husband has a desk. And when you clean up the room, you figure you'll straighten out his desk. Now when you straighten out his desk, every paper had a place, every paper had an order. It was It was a mess, but every paper had an order. It was in order of what has to be done first and what is priority and what is supposed to be thrown out. Now you put it all scoop it together in a nice tidy pile and everything and everything gets messed up. So he tells you DON'T DO IT. I STRAIGHTENED UP AND YOU TOLD ME NOT TO DO IT? HE SAID, "LOOK, DO ME A FAVOR. I had an order." YOU CALL THAT MESS AN ORDER? And you keep on doing it. It That's no good. It's going to cause friction, and it's not going to be It's not going to attain your goal of being an aider. You're not being AN AIDER, YOU'RE BEING A DESTROYER. BUT, if you don't have a mechanism where you hear that there could be an improvement, it's never going to get better. It's always going to be a source of friction. It's always going to be a source Now, there are hundreds of examples like this. A husband gets up in the morning and he has to get up. He has a daf yomi at 10 minutes to 6:00. He has to get up at 5:30. She has a day off. SHE COULD SLEEP UNTIL 8:00. YOU GET UP. The first thing you do is turn on the light. And it's shining straight into her eyes. Just this small It's a small light. Right? Then, you start running the shower to get it the right SO WITH THE DOOR OPEN. AND NOT ONLY THAT, YOU START SINGING IN THE SHOWER. NOW, so she says to you, "You know I was trying to sleep. Do you have to sing?" What, you tell me you don't like my voice? You put on the light. You want ME TO HURT MYSELF IN THE DARK? YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO LISTEN. You have to be Now, if you think about it, in Mishlei, HaMelech, the wisest of all people, says, "Hocheach l'chacham v'ye'ehavecha. V'ye'ehavecha." "Chastise the wise, and he will love you." Now, who loves to get chastised? I know I hate it. I know I hate it. Somebody tells me, you know, you when you talk, you're screeching. I don't like that. I don't like to hear that. But in marriage, if our goal is to have a better marriage, if I could hear how I could make my marriage better and do things better, I should want to hear that. I should And this Look, we live together. There are countless things that we do that annoy. It It can't be helped. It It It's as simple as as as putting putting a dirty plate into the sink when for a second you could just open the water and rinse it out and then it won't cake before you put it in the sink. IT TAKES A SECOND. BUT WELL, I'M SORRY. NOW NOW YOU NEED ME TO HELP IN THE HOUSEWORK, TOO? YOU HAVE A HOME. HEY, AIN'T NO YOU'RE GOING BUT BUT IT IT TAKES A SECOND. You have to be willing to listen. You have to want to listen. Now, as I said, this cannot be uh I once heard from Rav Keller that criticism in marriage, Rav Keller Rashiva of tells he said this by a good recommendation many years ago. He says there has to be a quota to criticism. You can't It's We don't like to live with somebody that's always criticizing us. It's just no fun. We have to feel that our spouse is is proud of us. So, you got to criticize sparingly. Rav Palak, the goes with honor of told me that in his home they had a practice. It's so interesting. It's seedish Rav. In his home, they had a practice that they had a Rosh Chodesh Seudah with the children. And at the Rosh Chodesh Seudah, everybody got to say what's bothering them. The children, the spouse, everybody got a chance to say. And of course, if it's private between husband and wife, they shouldn't do it in front of the children. This was mostly because of the children. The children got a chance to hear with their family things that are bothering them. And that's the way to make a family better. And same thing, it has to be sparring. But a husband and wife have to have a mechanism where they could tell each other, "Let's try to do this different." "You know, honey, when you text while you're driving with me, I'm my heart is beating. I'm afraid that I have to tell you to go to the emergency." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN? EVERYBODY DOES IT. YOU USE YOUR PHONE." A WIFE HAS TO BE ABLE TO TELL her husband, "I'm scared to drive with you." She has to be able to tell her husband that WITHOUT REPERCUSSIONS. A HUSBAND HAS TO BE ABLE to tell his wife, "You know, the credit card is not a free-for-all. NOT A FREE-FOR-ALL. We have to set We have to set limits on it. And you have to be able TO DISCUSS IT. OTHERWISE, IT'S GOING TO WAIT FOR AN EXPLOSION." You have to have a mechanism, just like This is also huge. Just like there has to be a mechanism in a marriage to get past something unpleasant. Let's say, um the husband does something really dumb. And he tells his friend something private about his wife. That's a real no-no. Real no-no. Says to his friend, "Yeah, yeah, my wife has pimples and she's always by the mirror, always going like this, you know, this" And and she hears about it from his friend's wife who says, "Oh, you you hear how yeah, SHE'S SO VAIN?" And he she comes home and she rightfully lets him have it. "You're talking about my private things to your to your male friend? What do What do you think this is? What What are you?" "You're a Cossack? YOU'RE A PEASANT? NAH, PEASANTS WON'T EVEN DO THAT. YOU'RE WORSE THAN A PEASANT. YOU'RE LIKE AN ANIMAL." YOU KNOW. So So now you got to get beyond it. Yeah, if he's smart he's learned the recipe for an I'm sorry. And I won't talk about this in length, although it deserves a whole sheer. But you have to know how to say you're sorry. You know, IF YOU SAY, "IT'S JUST LIKE YOU TO BE SO SENSITIVE, BUT I'M SORRY." THAT'S NOT AN I'M SORRY. THAT'S THAT'S another stab in the back. "I'm sensitive?" "YOU'RE A BIRD." Or "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY. OKAY, IT'S ENOUGH. I'M SORRY." THAT DOESN'T WORK. YOU KNOW, THAT'S like pouring oil onto the fire, you know? "ALL YOU WERE INTERESTED ALWAYS IN AN I'M SORRY. THAT'S ALL you want to hear, I'm sorry. You want me to make a song for you?" It doesn't It doesn't work. So what does work? So the first stage is empathy. Which means you have to turn the tables. What if your wife would do that to you? What if your wife would do that to you? And she would say, "Yeah, you know, I tried to get my husband to go to this year, but he had to watch the Mets. He had to." And you know, I told him learning the Mets. He said, "Listen, the Mets come once in a while. The Mets come first in my books." And she tells that to our friend, and our friend tells it to our husband, "You know, he cares more about the Mets than sight." You know? So, if if my wife did that, I'd be very upset. So, when you say that to yourself, I just did that to her. So, you say to her, "You know, if I would have done that to If you would have done that to me, I would be very upset. So, I know how you feel." You're already on the way to a real I'm sorry because you're you are now showing to your wife that you realize that you made a big mistake. You're you're you're getting there, but you're not there yet. There's another step to a real I'm sorry. And this is big. The next step is is you show your spouse that you're going to take a concrete step that it's not going to happen again. So, let's say it was something personal. You say, "Before I say anything like that, I'll run it by you first. I won't say anything like that before checking with you if it's okay." Now, I'm taking a step to make sure. That's a real I'm sorry. A real I'm sorry is Let's go back to the desk. "You know what? I won't clean your desk unless I check it with you first. Or maybe you could show me what I can move around. And I'm sorry I messed things up for you. I wouldn't like you to come in my kitchen and mess up my spices or my recipes. You're right. I wouldn't like that." That's an I'm sorry. That's the way to say I'm sorry. And that's the way people that are special with each other say I'm sorry. The But I was telling you that we have to get past an explosion because there are people that don't know how to do this. There are people they come home husband comes home Friday afternoon and the wife is bathing the kids the stuff on the black the phone is ringing and he comes in and he says, "You know the house is a mess." She she says, "WHAT YOU SAY? HOUSE IS A MESS? WELL, WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'm doing? HOW MANY HANDS YOU THINK I'M AN OCTOPUS? HOW MANY HANDS YOU THINK I HAVE? WILL YOU PICK UP SOMETHING AND DO SOMETHING? WHAT DO YOU WANT THE BROOM AND A MAP?" HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I DON'T COME home to get screamed at. I had a very hard day today. I was up early in the morning. It was a hard day at the office. I sat in traffic. I DIDN'T COME HOME TO HEAR YOUR SHRILL VOICE. I'M OUT OF HERE." AND HE START STORMS OUT OF THE HOUSE. Comes back. Now everybody is angry. If they don't know how to get past it, the whole Shabbos is ruined. Quiet treatment, the cold treatment, the whole Shabbos. The children notice that something terrible must have happened. You have to have a mechanism where you get past it. And it's good couples create a code like are we friends again? Can we start over again? But you have to create you have to know things are going to happen, tempers are going to flare, and people are too proud to be the first one to back down. I should back down. I mean, he came in, he called me an octopus. Who calls his wife AN OCTOPUS? WHAT WAS he thinking? He says, "She yelled at me like IT WAS MY FAULT THAT THE HOUSE WAS DIRTY. WHAT DOES SHE THINK I I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT, TOO?" WHAT DID I GET? A LEMON? And they're both upset, so and they're both not backing down. You have to have a coat, and remember, you're the one restoring the shkhinah. You're the one that is teaching the children. I if we would know if we would realize how important it is to be a model for children. Children that come out of a stormy marriage bring that storm into their marriages. It's such a terrible thing. I once heard Rabbi Twerski say that certain ultra-Orthodox couples don't show physical warmth in front of the children, not even a hug. He says, "I have no problem with that as long as they don't also fight in front of the children." But to do one without the other sends a real bad message. We are training our children by example, everything that we do. They You know, my father took my mother out twice a week to restaurants. Not a fancy one, but Prime Grill in Borough Park, there was famous restaurant, which was Milchick's, and it was upstairs Shick's restaurants, which was fleishig. One night he took her out for Milchick's, one night he took her out for fleishig, but I grew up with that. And I always take my wife out to eat. And occasionally, when the children were growing up, I took my wife to a hotel for a night, just to get away. Now, I have five married children. They all take their wives out to eat. They all take their wives to a hotel once in a while. They're always asking me, "But Daddy, I need points. We need points for the Hampton. We need points for this." But that's kind of it's what you see in the house. It's the biggest gift to give children. The biggest gift. It's I have to tell you that this topic there's so much to to do better. And it never ends. It can always be better and better and better. But I'll tell you one thing. What is one of the biggest defining qualities of a good marriage is the way we talk to each other. And again, we're not talking See, here's the trick. The right way is not natural. What's natural is is that if I'm at the office and somebody calls, I go, "Hello." And if it's my wife, "Oh, I told you not to call me now. You know I have 100 things to do." So, what happened? The palm says that a woman walks around her husband seven times in order to make a statement that from now on he's the center of her universe. A husband says in the ketubah, "I will not leave you. I will cherish. I WILL HONOR." YOU HAVE TO HONOR EVERYONE. You can't have a lot of children. That means I will honor more than everyone. So, the the pledge to one another is that I'm going to treat you as the most important person in the world. You know, we're coming to Hanukkah. And on Hanukkah, we the halachic uh the halachic the the the single most practical halachic manifestation of ishto kegufah. Because by us, we follow Ramasha, our daughters light. I remember my the last one to get married, my Yocheved, it was a tearful Hanukkah. She was saying, "Tatty, I'm lighting the candles for the last time in my life." Cuz as a girl, she lights, but when she gets married, she doesn't light. Baruch Hashem. But why doesn't a wife light? Because ishto kegufah. Now, ishto kegufah is such a statement. My wife is like me. I'll give you an example from this week's parashah, Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech Ha'Olam shehakol nihyeh bidvaro. Give you an example from this week's parashah. We all know that Yaakov took stones, vayikach mei'avnei hamakom, vayosem rashei saf, and he put them around his head. So, Rashi says uh that the stones started fighting. ALAI YANIACH TZADDIK ROSHO. The tzaddik should put his head on me. So, it says uh that Hashem made a miracle, and they all became one. That's why later it says, vayikach kol even. They all became one. So, everybody asked, "What does that help? If they all be one big rock, the rock is still going to argue, 'I want him TO PUT ON MY SPOT. NO, ON MY SPOT. ON THE LEFT SIDE. ON THE RIGHT SIDE. On the center.'" And the answer is is if it's all one rock, if they're all one, they don't fight. Because what's one is not jealous. Your right hand is not jealous of your left hand. No, don't put DON'T PUT THE CUP IN THAT HAND. PUT IT IN THIS HAND. You know? The idea of ishta k'gufo, and by the way, this is true, but it's a very hard madrega to reach. There I I will be honest with you. This is a very high level of marriage. Is to get to the point where you're not jealous of your wife having a good time when you're not. Because if you're one, you're not jealous of that. Most people are aren't there. Most people say, "Well, I She's She's having a great time on Sunday, and I'm stuck working." NO. HE'S OUT, AND I'M IN THE HE'S OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS GOLFING, AND I'M STUCK WITH THE KIDS. It's It's It's a very high madrega. But that's the idea of ishta k'gufo. The idea It's the idea of what we heard about Rabbi Aryeh Levin the tzaddik in our time saying, when they went to the doctor because his wife had a knee problem, they say, "OUR FOOT HURTS." Not her foot hurts. Our foot hurts. All right? That's the the mission. I'll show you an interesting place where you see this. Uh it's a Most people don't realize this, but it's a very It's very interesting place where you see this. It says by Avraham Avinu, vayayet ohalo. He pitched his tent. It's read ohalo, his tent, but it's spelled aleph hey lamed hey, which reads her tent. And Rashi says that he pitched Sarah's tent first because chayav adam l'chabed es ishto yoter mi'gufo. You have to honor your wife more than So there's an obvious question. You don't get this in here, this question. But if he pitched his wife's tent first, so let the Torah say Allah. It says but it spells it all up. BUT IF HE DID HIS WIFE'S TENT FIRST BECAUSE HE'S SUPPOSED TO DO YOUR WIFE FIRST, ladies first. So then why DIDN'T IT SAY ALLAH? The answer is and this is the profundity of this. You can't explain this to children. When he pitched her tent, he felt like he was doing it for himself. That's why it says but it spelled Allah. Because when he did it FOR HER, HE FELT LIKE HE WAS DOING SOMETHING FOR HIMSELF. It's not it's NOT TIT FOR TAT. YOU SCRATCH MY BACK, I'LL SCRATCH YOURS because what I feel like I'M DOING FOR MYSELF WHEN I'M doing for you. I I wish I could say that I've reached this level. I I don't feel I have. And I'm I'm very careful to say disclaimer because you know, I like to practice what I preach. But this is a very high level, but at least this is something that we could sometimes aspire for. At least to know what is right. And I have to say something else. When I give this sermon, I don't know if you could tell, but I give it with all my heart. It's it's this is something that You okay with your okay? I'm sorry, I just got really bad gag reflex. You should have a for my sake of Israel. I'm here to help people. Even if if a little there, a little glimmer. A little one thing, it's a huge thing. But the one thing I'll ask from you, don't use what I say against each other. YEAH, YOU'RE JUST LIKE WHAT MY MY WIFE DESCRIBED. DID YOU HEAR WHAT YOU WERE LISTENING? DON'T do that. Don't do that. No, I'm here to help. I'm not I'm from a double tongue you blow your horn. So please, I only want it to be used remember remember a man of the brain and the guts, my We always are very good at seeing what the other person is missing. We You never notice that we see this guy, he's so full of himself. And that guy is such a lazy guy. He's so self-centered. We notice it. Hashem gave us Teflon coating that we shouldn't notice what's wrong with us because otherwise there'd be a long line to jump off the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge. No, Hashem protected us. So that's why we'll notice it in our spouse much sooner than we'll notice it in ourselves because we're Teflon coated. Please, I beg of you. Don't use it against one another. I'm giving you ideas to work on one another. Now knowing that the Shechinah is at stake. I mean the famous story of Reb Zalman Auerbach that he had and this is the this is the full story. Zalman Zalman Auerbach had a a tube of water in his pocket. A tube. And when he would come to the front of his house before entering, he would take out the tube take some of the water and straighten out his beard. So somebody once saw that and said it's odd. Usually people straighten out before they go out, not before they go in. So you would expect that the end of the story was he was doing it for his wife. He That's not the answer. He said, "I live with my wife with shalom bayit, so there's concentrated shalom in my home. And I'm doing it in honor of the shalom that's in my home." Now, since shalom is at stake, that's why there's an incredible yates of horror not to do something when your spouse asks you. You know, your spouse says, "You know, could you do me a favor? Could you just take out that garbage bag bag garbage to the front?" Right away in your mind is a million reasons not to do it. I'm wearing my suit, something might leak. It's very heavy, my back is hurting me. That's If somebody would friend would say, "Could you do me a favor? Before you come down, COULD YOU BRING DOWN THE GOLF CLUBS?" SURE. WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED YOUR WIFE ASKED BECAUSE WHEN your wife asks you to do something, there is a very powerful yates of horror putting up his hands. The shalom is at stake. And when the shalom is at stake, the yates of you you'll see by the way I've I've I've looked at myself. When my wife asks me to do something, you know, "Could you do me a favor? There's a bag in the car in the back." And I go in the back and the bag is large in between two suitcases stuck in the back between them in the car. I SAY, "OH, IS THIS GOING TO BE HARD?" IS IT REALLY that hard? But the yates of horror is telling me, "Oh, YOU GOT TO CLIMB OVER. YOU GOT TO WEDGE IT OUT. IT'S If if somebody else would have asked me, I would have reached over, yanked it out, and finished. Right? A wife says it, it's all of a sudden very hard. When you realize that, when you realize what you're up against, that's a big help. Now, I was telling you I was telling you that there is one thing that can change drastically the quality of the marriage. And that is how we talk to each other. Now, you'll say You know, living in America, we get used to talk is cheap. And by the going, talk is cheap. You have a a radio show talk host who will embarrass somebody and call him a scumbag in front of 50,000 watts. You know, it's it's it's the the I maybe I shouldn't have even said that word. That word might be bordering on never pass, so erase that. Shouldn't be said. Uh the uh but he will he will say that in public and embarrass somebody in front of who KNOWS HOW MANY THOUSANDS OF LISTENERS. SO, talk is cheap amongst guy amongst the guy. But not with us. You know, if you think about it, in Birkas Sheva Brachas, we say kol sason vekol simcha, kol choson vekol kallah. The voice of a choson, the voice of a kallah. You ever see how a choson and kallah talks to each other? It's such a beautiful thing to see. When we talk about working on our marriages, one of the things to work on is to say I'm supposed to try to be tender to my spouse. It's a nice thing, you know, and it's reciprocal. If you're tender, your spouse will be tender. It It It can't help it. We're reciprocal human beings. You know, I always tell over the story, but I think I said in Queens already twice. It's Mikvah story. It will be tough or hard for me to make this story, right? No? Come on. No? Probably you did, but you just don't remember it. But it it has such a moral. It's It's the Kamarna Rebbe's story. And the Bobover Rebbe used to tell it over to chassidim all the time. Dr. Block, you heard it from me? No? That can't be. Steven, you know the story. Yeah, Steven knows the story. Okay. Uh Yossi, you know the Mikvah story? No? I can't believe it. Okay, anyway. So, if you don't know this story, ha, fasten your seat belts. All right. But this story contains one of the greatest lessons of life. If I would have to say, it is probably a game-changer. What happened was is the Kamarna Rebbe, who's a world-class Rebbe, um visited a town. Comes to the town, and as a Rebbe, he wants to go to the Mikvah. He says, "Rebbe, I'm sorry, we don't have a Mikvah." He says, "A Yiddishe town that doesn't have a Mikvah?" Rebbe, we can't afford it. He says, "What do the women do?" So, they 20 miles away there's a Mikvah, and Shabbos can't stay in the town if they need a Mikvah. We don't have a Mikvah. He says, "How could you not have a Mikvah? There's nobody here that could build Rebbe, we're a city. We can't afford a mikvah. not He says, there's no wealthy man in the entire city. So he says, well, there is one. But he's a miser. Mikvah, he won't even give the salt for the mikvah. Forget about a mikvah. So the Rebbe says, ah, now I know why I came to this town. I'm going to go and ask him to build a mikvah. Rebbe, please, NO. BIZOINIS, DON'T GO. I'M TELLING YOU IT'S NO GOOD. HE NEVER gives money. He's just going to Rebbe says, look. Bizoinis, it's good for a person. If I get a little, it's good humility. I'm going to go. I'm going to try. So he goes with his shamoshim. And he knocks on the fanciest house in town, a mansion. Now, the rich man was not a rich man for nothing. He understood that he's getting a visit from a world-class Rebbe. You know, Rebbe, come on in. What an honor, a personal visit. He brings him in and he says, Rebbe, I just want to tell you one thing from the start. If the Rebbe is coming for money, it's not our minig. Our minig, you know. We we we we we keep the money close to home. We That's what we believe in. So the Rebbe says, well, to tell you the truth, I came to offer you a brocha. He said, look at him suspiciously, a brocha? You know, a blessing. Oh, you're offering me a boon? Okay. Yeah, boon, yes. Well, I come in. He takes him into the office, Queen Elizabeth desk the desk, a huge, you know, the crimson curtains, you know, THE WHOLE NINE PANEL OFFICE, YOU KNOW. REBBE, sit down. Here I like to add that he said, come, TELLS HIS WIFE, BREAK OUT THE PESACH DISHES. That's what my I learned from my father one time a maisha came to Bob Park for a kiddushin and there was a chance that Reb Moshe would come up to our house afterwards for coffee. So, my father said that if my father said that if Reb Moshe comes in, then my mother should take the chametzdig dishes and make them Pesachdig dishes and make them chametzdig. That was a mark of showing kavod for a gadol hador. So, my my mother climbed up and took down the Pesachdig dishes. At the end, Reb Moshe didn't come. It was later he couldn't come, but I learned that that that you have a gadol in your house, so you break out the Pesachdig dishes. Anyway, so he he he he he he it's so So, the rebbe said, "So, nu, so tell me what what do you need?" So, he says, "Rebbe, you're offering me a bone?" He said, "Yeah." He said, "Well, if you're going to offer me something, then bless me." He said that my wife, may she live long and well, should die. So, the rebbe says, "Excuse me?" He said, "Give me a BLESSING THAT MY WIFE SHOULD DIE." SO, the rebbe looks at him and says, See, I told you, if you heard this story, you'd remember it. So, he says, "You must know that I'm not in the practice of giving such blessings." So, he says, "Rebbe, you're telling me you can't do it?" He says, "Listen, I can't give you such a blessing. I can give you advice." He said, "I'm all ears." He says, "The Gemara says Bavon hador meisis shel Adam, that for the sin of a man making a promise and not fulfilling it, a wife could die. So, I would suggest that you make a big promise and break it. Maybe your wife will die." He said, "Rebbe, that's great advice. You have any ideas?" He said, "Sure. Go to the shul this Shabbos and ask the gabbai you want to make an announcement and make a promise you're going to build a new mikvah. And then don't build it." He said, "Rebbe, that's genius. I know now I know why you're such a famous man." Comes to shul and he goes to the gabbai he wants to make an announcement. The gabbai is nervous, the sky wants to make an announcement. Goes over to the rub and the rubber says, "Yeah." And he says, "Okay." Goes to the beamer rubber I say. We have A FAMOUS RUBBER HERE. IN HIS HONOR, I want to make an announcement. I HEREBY PROMISE WITH ALL MY HEART, NO BELIEVE IN THAT, NO BELIEVE IN THAT. THAT I'M BUILDING A STATE OF THE ART MIKVAH FOR THIS COMMUNITY. Pandemonium breaks out. The rubber is about Moses. How did he do it? That night Moses Shabbos, the elders of the city all run to the house, to the mansion with plans, with they want to start. He comes out, "What are you guys doing trespassing on my property?" "Oh, we're sorry. We should have made an appointment, but we're so excited the mikvah." He says, "What mikvah?" "THE MIKVAH YOU PROMISED." "OH, I LIED. YOU HEAR ME? GET OUT OF MY PROPERTY. I LIED." AND THEY WALK away cursing him and yelling and A week goes by, 2 weeks go by. Nothing happens. The rubber stayed in town. The man makes an appointment with the rubber. He said, "Rubber, I have to tell you I'm very disappointed in you. You know, I was never really liked in this town, but now I'm hated. So, but it was worth it because I figured my wife would die. But you know something, not even a sniffle. She doesn't even need better drip. You know, I bought already a suit for the funeral. I prepared a eulogy. And she's never been healthy like this. So, so he he he says he says the rubber says to him, "Uh tell me how are things between the two of you?" He says, "Rubber, you ask me that now? What do YOU THINK? IT'S TERRIBLE. SHE SCREAMS AT ME, I scream at her. She throws THINGS AT ME, I THROW THEM. WHAT DO YOU THINK I WANTED THAT FOR?" He says he says, "Tell me, when you scream at her, do people hear it?" He says, "YEAH, I SCREAM LOUD. I'M I'M I HAVE A I HAVE A LOUD VOICE, OF COURSE they do." He said, "Well, that's why she's probably not dead because you're embarrassing her and embarrassing her is like killing her. So, she's dead already. So, wait wait grab a Are you telling me this is not going to work? He said, "No, don't get excited. Here's my advice. So, the next 2 weeks you have to be very nice for her to her." And all the hit above of a rebbe added, "and give her gifts. And maybe then she'll die." He says, "Rebbe, there's no other way?" He says, "No, not that I know of." Fast forward 2 weeks, middle of the night, a man is knocking on the REBBE'S DOOR. "OPEN UP! OPEN UP!" Rebbe comes, "SO, WHAT'S THE MATTER?" "REBBE, YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND." "SO, what do you mean?" He says, "You know, Rebbe, you told me to be nice to her?" "Yeah." "It's funny thing. I found out she's really a nice lady." He says, "So, what's the problem?" "She's very sick." He says, "Hurry up and go build the mikvah." That is a true story. That's a true story. There's even a comment on this story from Rebbe Yonasan Eibeschutz, who adds, "Would it be fair for a wife to die because her husband breaks his promise? That doesn't sound like it's fair." So, Rebbe Yonasan Eibeschutz adds to the story that no wife would die because her husband's a bum. But sometimes a wife who's supposed to die for her sins will not die because her husband needs her. But if a husband breaks his promise, he loses the right to give her that protection. But anyway, what's the moral of this story? What's the command of Rebbe? What's the bub of a rebbe bringing out from this story? The The moral of this story is is that the best way to get something is to give it. We want something, we want warmth. You got to be warm. We want patience, you got to be patient. I had a I had a maiseh, story. Balabust comes to me. There's never There's no anger like an anger of a spouse feeling that someone else is getting more than him. So, a husband came to me. He's very angry at his wife. You know, he always hears his wife laughing at the phone. And she never laughs with him. This is it's it's wrong. She's laughing on the phone. With me, she's always sour. She's never laughing. So, I looked him in the eye and I said, "Look, I know you don't laugh. But do you even know how to giggle? When was the last time THAT YOU DID YOU EVER GIGGLE? WHY would your wife laugh with you if you never laugh? Her friends are laughing on the phone, so she laughs with them. That's the way life is. The best way to get SOMETHING IS TO GIVE IT. I'll never forget. Now I got even more I'm busy, but it used to be you know, when I was I still do, but I give it daf yomi late night daf yomi in Borough Park. And sometimes a couple in Borough Park was having a bad shalom bayis problem. And they said they were embarrassed to go to their rav, but me, I'm from Staten Island. I don't know who they don't have to look at me. They want to So, I said, "I'll meet you one time. I don't have time. I'll meet you one time." That's why, by the way, it's very advantageous if you have a good rav for some to go to for some advice, but it has to have a rav that knows that has experience. Some rav don't have experience in this. But if you have a rav that has experience, he's the best guy to go person to go to because he's not looking to keep you for 10 sessions, a dozen sessions. He's not getting paid. And he doesn't have the time. So, he's going to solve your problem fast. Go to somebody else. Well, we're going to work three sessions on this and four sessions on this and maybe six sessions on this. You want to You want to You want it to be solved fast, right? So, you got a rav who doesn't have any time. Right? So, I I tell the wife, "Look, don't don't give me a whole laundry list. Just cut to the chase. What's the main thing that's bothering you?" So, she says, "That's easy. He's an iceberg." "He's an iceberg. He's cold as the ice. There's no warmth in him whatsoever." I said, "Okay." Called in the husband. I said, "You know what? No shopping list, no laundry list. Let's cut to the chase. What's the main thing?" "Oh, I could tell you right away. She's frigid. There's no FEELING IN HER WHATSOEVER." What's going on over here? Simple. Why do you think they married in the first place? They both saw that need of warmth. Something happened in the marriage. It could be in this case, what it was is is the wife had a difficult pregnancy and then she had uh afterwards postpartum depression and she stopped giving. And since she stopped she stopped giving, he stopped reciprocating. But, that's the way it works. We are recip- reciprocal beings. You want to have a a very simple example of what we are? We are a mirror for each other. Now, let's say you got up early in the morning and you look IN THE MIRROR. SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY? "WHAT A TERRIBLE MIRROR." It's ridiculous. It's not the mirror, it's what you put in the mirror. Don't say to YOUR SPOUSE, "WHAT A TERRIBLE SPOUSE." IT'S WHAT YOU PUT INTO YOUR SPOUSE. YOU'RE GOING TO GET BACK MY MY OPPONENT MY OPPONENT came live all the all the man. I'm not making this up. And that's why the word for marital joy is sus. Sus is a palindrome. Cuz what we put in, we get back. You have to try. Say, "What do I want?" "I want more time." Show your spouse that when you need me, I'll clean the slate. I'm there for you. What do you want? More attention? What do you want? Small things? Start doing the small things. You'll get them back. What do you want? Interest? Start being interested. And and no bigger area there is than the way we talk to each other. Talk the way you would want to be talked. Make it special. Have a vocabulary for one another. Use words like what I admire about you. A compliment? Remember, compliments are not self-motivated. Complaints are self-motivated. Right? If the bills aren't paid and they're shutting off the lights, we're going to complain. Why are you such a failure? Because we're motivated. Something is missing. There was no challenge to showers. How do you have a shower without How are you a homemaker without challenge? What's wrong with you? That's natural. You come into the house and everything is perfect. Well, I do my job, she should do her job. She says, "Of course he should pay the bills. Why is he a dud?" There's no motivation to compliment, but compliments, you know, we all have a favorite aunt. It's favorite aunt because she says, "I always knew you'd be something special." We love that. You love that. Compliment one another. It's so important. I think Yaniv told me one of the Thank you for sucking Yaniv told me that we're going to have another share. I think a very nice idea one time is that we should have a share a Q&A about marriage. Maybe about marriage and child raising. I think that and we'll let you know and then maybe people could even prepare questions and maybe email it to me. That would really be exciting because then I don't have to answer off the you know, off the cuff, which is always harder than I could even prepare an answer, but maybe we'll do a Q&A in the future. For now, what I want to thank all of you for coming and making this year possible. Anybody who wants to sponsor future shear and please let Yanev know. And and I have outside First of all, for those that want a copy of the shear feeler, it's a really good one that I gave in the good convention this Friday. I gave a shear on how to dive and better. It's a great shear. We have that CD. We also have the CD that the shear that I gave the last time over here about the matzah bread and so to get better. We have that shear as well. There are two shearum on marriage shear, there's a marriage workshop shear and how to make our marriages sweeter. Those are the two marriage workshop. I talked about a lot of the points that I spoke about in this shear. And my swarma there pal mention is there if anybody wants to save a sign. Thank you for coming and have a good tov.