The Shabbat Show- Episode 28: Marriage

hi everybody it's jamie geller welcome back to the shabbat show it's my favorite time of week because it's almost shabbat so first things first i want to wish you a shabbat shalom please tell us where you're watching from say hey say shabbat shalom we love love love hearing from you and so to that end i'm going to be answering one of the most popular questions from last week's recipe so let's go ahead and roll tape and i'll come back and answer your cues [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] all right so to me that looked amazing because i'm obsessed with kala and obsessed with pumpkins but i know not everyone is so if you don't like pumpkins okay and if you were you don't have pumpkins a little cute little gourd for the middle of that challah here's a great tip take your favorite cola recipe and then take a glass like this is a glass nesting bowl pyrex bowl something that's oven proof and make that braided round shape around this bowl upside down bake it like this take it out once it's cool turn this over fill it with your favorite dip fill it with flavored oil i mean you could fill it with fresh cut flowers it will be an absolutely beautiful centerpiece fit for your taste buds so that is the cue please always that is the a to your q please always post your questions below we love hearing from you and we're here to answer anything and everything you might want to know about cooking and of course shabbat so stay tuned now for the most amazing shabbat show in the world i'll be back at the end of the show so you want to keep watching the whole way through because i'm going to tell you a little story about what hubby and i were first married shabbat shalom see you soon [Music] hello everybody welcome to another episode of the shabbat show thanks so much for joining us ah it is so good to be back with you again it's so good to be here on almost shabbat you know in the old days when i mean like the oldest like two weeks ago we do this on friday afternoon and it was like literally right before and i don't know part of me misses those days of like that feeling of 5 30 on friday afternoon with like the challah sort of like the smell going in the house but this thursday night thing i find to be also really exciting because like now we're into the shabbat mode like hey we have a couple more hours because it's only thursday night but whatever you're tuning in but this is it we're beginning the end of the week it's great to be back with you again another week got a very important show coming up for you right now the show on marriage the show your spouse wants you to watch and marriage is a big deal obviously but for those who aren't married this show is still very relevant because it's marriage is a relationship relationships are everywhere it's in everything we do and everything we engage in it's a relationship marriage happens to be maybe the most intense relationship and we are living in a time where that relationship is really pushed in incredible ways we're going through a period of time that many of us have never had anything close to this in our lives and that puts stress on everything including our marriages and what we're going to talk about today on the show is secrets from real experts that have been in the field that have incredible experience that have studied from the greats on how to build relationships how to build relationships with everybody around us and in particular how to build stronger relationships with our spouses and so it is an exciting show and an important show a critical show for everyone in life regardless of your marital status the status of your age or whoever and how ever many people are around you because the end of the day the quality of our lives are dictated based on the quality of our relationships you can have everything going for you but if your relationships are are stressed you feel it at a very deep level and the converse you can have stuff happening in your life that's challenging but if your relationships are strong it just feels very different so stick with us throughout the entire show and hopefully we'll gain and grow together excited to be with you thanks so much for tuning in a lot going on this week in the world of project inspire check out mineflex this week new mineflex program going on check out the ad here debbie greenblatt an incredible educator uh she's to be talking about how to love jews who are trying not to hate how to love jews you jews you are trying not to hate what an incredible topic especially now with what's going on um so check that out the mindflex program of course we've got deep dive as well coming up this week the deep dive program love your neighbor as yourself is it really possible see what's going on over here which is all about love and relationship this is like the zone that we're in right now getting back together with everyone around us so check that out a lot going on if you missed this just go to projectinspired.com and it's all there this show is dedicated in a merit in merit for the full recovery of her fall avraham bengito he's been to project inspired conventions and his son is very is a very active leader in toronto reform it to him i also want to uh give her a foolish leima uh to another individual who is out there who needs a fruitful lamer her name is um rebits and wise board uh aviva bas shanachaya shankai she should have a full refuse layman as well okay we got a great show coming up stick with us i know this is a very busy night but we appreciate you being here stick with us to the end so much going on we got kahoot of course what we do that a little bit of competition to my living stone from baltimore's on elana and jamie cowland from jerusalem uh is on rabbi doctor uh ari sitner is going to be on jamie geller of course we've got videos and inspiration we a lot going on and we've got one more thing i want to talk to you beforehand uh is the taste of shabbat the taste of shabbat program is coming up this week as well so check that out it should be incredible and of course shout outs uh please feel free to go to my facebook page to go to the zoom just give me a shout out over here we'd love to spend shabbat shalom to say shabbat shalom to you this is our time uh where we can do this for each other and just sometimes just being able to see where we go is awesome i want i had uh somebody came to the show for the first time a few weeks ago i think it was the baltimore crew that came on and um and afterwards he said to me like the part that he loved most which so do i in a way yes thank god everything was great and the interview isn't the whole deal he goes but the fact that you wish somebody shabbat shalom from like across the globe i'm like he's like when did when when do we ever see that and i'm like here that's the beauty of our people so please feel free to uh wish us a shabbat shalom so we can make sure wish you went back and just sort of continue to show the everyone who's watching uh that we are one global uh nation that sticks together and is together and if those who want to watch the show after this or if there's someone out there that you think should be watching the show even now send them shabbat show dot com shabbat show dot com and and many times when check it out for the interviews we're cutting clips of a longer interview that we get to do so the full interview is usually posted after the show so check that out as well and of course for those who want one-on-ones 97 text one on one to 97 000. one of the highlights of my week was a wonderful woman who emailed me this week and said that she heard about one-on-ones from the show and we connected her and she has this great study partner and she's so inspired and she loves it and like it's all worth it for that so one on one to 97 000. okay let's begin um rabbi etl goldberg is an incredible incredible rabbi he is out in ace jerusalem inspiring the world and he has a great video about a little bit of advice that his father gave him at his wedding check this out i'll never forget when my father told me moments before i walked down the aisle to get married you know that moment between father and son my father pulls me aside and tells me this is what my rabbi said to me before i got married for the first 10 years any argument you have with your wife she's right i'm thinking oh great but then my father told me until now you've been an individual naturally looking out for yourself you want to be happy successful but now you're getting married and you need to look out for someone else but your natural inclination is still to focus on yourself how do you juggle that with looking out for your wife my father gave me a very wise answer said you keep looking out for yourself but today the you that you're looking out for is expanding from today yourself includes your wife if she's feeling happy you'll feel happy if someone insulted her he insulted you and it doesn't stop there one day you'll have children and your you will expand even more your biggest joy in life will be when your kids are happy and when your kids are in pain you'll be in pain and it doesn't stop there yourself should continue to expand to include your family and close friends to the entire jewish people and eventually the world if someone starts up with a jew anywhere in the world he's starting up with you if an israeli soldier saves a life you feel a personal sense of pride and happiness today who you are is going to expand you know this is the secret of our victory over haman and per on purim we give mishloch care packages not to the needy but to our friends yeah we also read megilataster give charity to the poor and have a festive meal but perim is the only holiday that we give out packages to our friends why when queen esther discovered that human was planning to destroy the entire jewish people she called mordechai and told him go gather all the jews together she knew that the only way we could overcome haman is if we all come together the secret to our survival is in our unity this is why on perm we give out packages to our neighbors and friends to increase the love between one another today we're facing similar challenges there are many humans who desire to destroy us the only way we could prevail is by uniting together as one family we can attain true unity when we realize that the entire jewish people are just an extension of me when we expand ourself to include all jews as our brothers and sisters this parent in addition to giving a care package to our friends let's take on the challenge of preparing one mishloch note for someone we would normally not give it to someone who may think or dress not exactly like me but who is still my brother and sister let's expand and unite and together we'll be able to withstand any threat that comes our way purim samantha that was an incredible video not just for the time of purim really i find this to be such an incredible bit of insight and one of the things that we're going to get this show and i hope you stick to the end are these nuggets that we can literally put in our pockets and hold on for good and one of this what's really important besides just say yeah your wife is right like that's just a great nugget in life but that's a whole other story i'll tell you my story about that another time not for now um maybe one day i'll be i'll be the interviewee on this thing and i can give you some of that stuff but enough now one of the most important things is the recognition that being selfless may be hard judaism doesn't say be selfless you notice the the nuance the brilliance god says don't be selfless expand self you expands through life there's a line that we say in percent if i'm not for myself who am i for because i'm saying but if i'm only me then mani what am i the concept in judaism is not that we leave self not that i'm supposed to disregard myself supposed to expand myself think about that the expansion of me to include my spouse to my children to my friends as i expand bigger i am not less i am more and i get to be self-interested at the same time but my definition is totally changed it's such an incredible approach and thank you rabbi for sharing those a couple of shots before we get to our first guest of course uh to josephine from phoenix arizona shabbat shalom to lay apparel new york city shabbat shalom shabbat shalom to denver aish of the rocky shabbat shalom shabbat shalom to um to toronto to rm in toronto up i'm looking at goldie and jerry tauber of ballet kenwood that is jamie's mom thanks so much for being here um we appreciate it thanks for what you do in nachas um elizabeth shabbat shalom to you and the whole nervous family in silver spring maryland shabbat shalom to listen pomona to shabbat shalom to the silverson highland park okay here goes uh first guest is alana and jamie cowland lana calvin is the director of women's education in isha torah jerusalem jamie is the founder and ceo of justify together they run seminars and relationships dating and marriage online and in person and have a popular instagram page called ilana with an i ilana and jaime i had a chance to catch up with them there in jerusalem i had a chance to catch up to them earlier this week to speak about some of these issues especially with regarding to coven what's going on and i really found the interview very very interesting check this out you know we're living in an incredible time because you know corona this whole covet thing has created this synthetic world and when you're a married couple and you're living in the normal world like you know in the old days like february you went you you traveled you were home a little bit you went to work and then all of a sudden like it all shut down so for a marriage you go from seeing your spouse maybe if you're lucky for dinner during the week like you know at night how you doing to like this is what we do what in your experience what have you seen that how this has impacted marriages and what are some of the things that you're getting from this new reality that we're in well i think if i can just say i i think the first thing to realize is is that um you know our coping mechanisms have all been like knocked out of whack uh marriages relationships with children a relationships with self um they're all built around some kind of a structure or some kind of a day right um the best mechanism for a child school school right right no social interactions right so i think everyone's struggling because we've had to we've had to kind of re-learn how to deal with with our 24 hours in a completely different way and so there's an element of relearning marriages it doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong that you find this stressful you know there's nothing wrong with you just because this is crazy and everything's out of whack and i think you put themselves under a lot of pressure to be like oh it's great we've been home so much of the family it's been so wonderful but usually when something really huge hits um it tends to hit one person at a time you know a woman's have a baby that's a huge adjustment hormonal sleep body all the rest a man's lost his job that's a huge adjustment we know that when couples experience something really together that puts a lot more strain because the supporting partner is going through it too they're not to do that see-saw you know i'll be there for you while you're going through having it so i'll go to the groceries because i know how to support her in that way right but when i'm getting smashed to pieces i don't want to go get no groceries right she doesn't we're both with so corona has just smashed everyone from every side and your kids if you have them at home and going through all kinds of crazy as well so so you don't have the support mechanism of of one person saying okay i'll be strong at the moment because both of you are saying like could someone be strong for me please yeah yeah and i think that that's you know one of the one of the really important uh practical things is to is you've got to figure out your own self-care because of that because the relationships relationships can really unravel um for technical reasons not because there's no actual love i think people could kind of wake up at the end of this whole process and be like we grew apart through this and i don't know how that happened because i genuinely care about you like you weren't irritating you particularly it wasn't but i was just going through so much of my own stuff and i changed right so i think it's really important to kind of be aware of all of the different aspects of this not so much from a negative it could be true in the positive as well as you can figure out amazingly positive ways to kind of push through this but i think it's super important to understand that um we're on we're under pressure and it's a different type of pressure and we don't know necessarily intuitively how to deal with it because we're not we're going we're under such assault i'm having anxiety i'm supposed to help you with your anxiety like i don't even know where i am right what are some of the most practical ways we can adjust this so so where what are some practical tools we can put into place today to really help us through this okay so we're gonna give we're gonna show two things that we think is very important one is a mindset and the other one is like a tool to achieve the mindset you know and it's not just true covert by the way it's i think it's true anytime a couple are experiencing you know like a head-on issue that when they're both reading that could be you know a child who's really caused you difficulties that could be a health issue in the family whenever the couple are going through it together the what tends to happen again is like you know i really need your support but you're reeling so you can't give me support so what happens is this thing that's outside of us ends up being the enemy that's coming between us so it's like it's it's you know um covert is against our marriage and what you have to do is you have to do a spin around or instead of pervading against the marriage it's the marriage against covert it's like hold on a second there's this outside thing that's trying to get us like let's not allow that to break us up let's recognize that we have to team up so that we can together resist you know and have resilience against this and true intrusion into our shallow bias into our lives right now and just in terms of the practical you know um again when i'm when i'm hurting i have a very strong expectation that the people around me will support me okay so i kind of want you to know what i need i kind of want you to give me what i need i kind of want you to take care of me and it's exactly the opposite of that you're in that space too you need a ton from me i'm busy waiting for you to give you're busy waiting for me to give you know you're on your worst behavior because you're watching too many netflix i'm on my worst behavior because like i haven't cleaned up in five days because i haven't done i've had enough and you know whatever and you know we are all really like kind of disappointed with each other and there's a big refrain that needs to happen and i think the reframe begins with okay hold on first of all a little bit of slack please everybody just like cut everybody a little bit slack it's okay if we have pizza again just chill you know and more than that you know if you're okay and if i'm okay we're gonna be able to support each other so stop waiting for this other person to perform and ask the question like what can i do for you you know like how can i be understanding of your anxiety or stress how can i communicate and we can talk about this instead of demanding quietly and passively of the other person what they're not able to offer let's let's let's please supportive role we both need help i want to be there for you and i want you to be there for me so just to look at each other right you know and there's a you know there's a there's a very powerful story um it's again these are counterintuitive points but that's why they work because it's it's real you know it's not societal this is real and and that is that you know there's a there's a focus on giving and there's a focus on taking and the bizarre thing about about how soul works about how life works about reality is that giving is when you give to another that really gives you what you needed in the first place but when you take instead of giving it doesn't it doesn't fill you up either right so be so even though i'm under pressure and you're under pressure i've got anxiety and i have to help you with your anxiety or like whatever it is right the truth is if i can the practical step is is even though i feel like i i don't have what it takes to give right giving is what's going to give me back my energy get yourself into that and be focused and be focused on that there's a beautiful story um they say in the name of uh i i believe with the laboratory but it could be from somebody else i don't remember 100 that he got a letter from a man um and the man was saying you know my life is great everything's great you know my partner but like i'm feeling really sad and i'm feeling unfulfilled and i don't feel like my kids love me and i don't feel that you know that i'm really respected in my community and and i this and like that and i this tonight that and i think that and the and the the rebbe sent back and every time he put the word i he circled him yeah right and he said you know somebody else not just yourself right and you'll feel better and that's how you'll feel better so i think that that's really it's you know how to grow in love at the time the time of corona it's it's acceptance and the recognition of the fact that we're all struggling us and the whole world it's this idea of of linking arms in the marriage and fighting corona getting that out taking care of your family being in a place of giving and understanding that's actually what's good that's actually what's going to give you um kind of the the healthy vibe and feeling that you need for yourself those are the kind of you know especially i think we all know that when we're having this crazy busy life and like somebody looks at us and says like like you okay like how are you can i can i can i be there and you just suddenly i was like someone cares let's do that for each other take half an hour in your day where i know you're busy i know you're stressed but look at the other person and say you know it's tough for you honey too like you know i i what can i do if you it just doesn't help me let's share this let's do this together i totally agree with that and i think what's really powerful here and this is something that we're going to see throughout the show and it really opened with rabbi goldwyck but it really continues on if you think through this which is as you expand self the person next to you really becomes a piece of you and so the giving to that person is what gets your energy this makes sense in my own self right if my right arm is struggling and i can have my left arm lifted up it'll only work right there's no way in our own bodies we don't just move over resource resources to support other aspects of who we are because it's us when you see the person in front of you as separate from you and like they said earlier such a great line which is you're just like waiting for him to perform like what's going on like this is what you do all day or how come you did it this way or i i would never have done it like that and now that we are more more connected and both of us are struggling now there's no time for one to have and what not to have we're living in a very crazy time of uncertainty at every level politically health financial like this is a crazy time the person who's with you child friend spouse it's a piece of you and the counterintuitive awesome advice is if i give to them emotional support physical help that's where i'm going to get my energy from so that i can get there as well that's really how we do it and it's an incredible approach um i want to just give a couple more shout out shout outs from my facebook page um to michael weingart from germany shabbat shalom rana adler from fairlawn shabbat shalom to the popels in miami shabbat shalom tanya garber from london maria simon schmushlam emily howard for tallahassee and a special shout out to my good friend joshua schwalbe who i see has joined us as well an old good friend of mine shabbat shalom to all of you okay so sometimes in life you know you have marital disputes about really important things sometimes uh it's a little different and you may need some outside help check out this video that we found about a very interesting marital dispute that we found and a fascinating person to come in and actually save the day and solve the issue check this out [Applause] hi welcome to the marriage rep i'm tom papa tonight we're going to watch real couples in the middle of real life arguments and we're going to give them the two things they really want a winner and a loser three years ago a friend of mine said pam have i got a guy for you first date was at a synagogue on a friday night and i just knew wow i really love him and the rest is history [Music] i keep my sewing kits razors dental kits shoe polish uh sponge our kids will need it our family will need us yes i have to think for the future for all of us i think i'm ready to make the call let's go to fairlawn new jersey and bring up the actual cohens in their real life soap warehouse hey guys thanks for being on our show thank you thanks for having us all right here's my call it was a little bit of a split decision here there are some people who think you're going a little too far some people that are thinking that maybe you're not going far enough that i like what jason said his feeling is that the stockpiling is a bit too much and maybe you should be spreading it out like robin hood thank you no way i think sincerely i think jason has a really good point sam sam listen to me yeah pretend yes sir go with me on this we're in synagogue the rabbi says there's a building fund we're looking for donations we need soap and shampoo sam raises his hand and got you're going to be the big shot you're going to stand up and go son of a gun i've got soap and shampoo get them to the homeless shelters give them to the kids get spread about whatever you need to do share the wealth sam share the world [Applause] i will do that for you all right he'll do it he'll do it everybody a big nice goodbye to the cohens [Applause] i love that it reminds me of my grandmother god she should rest in peace i don't know anyone else who comes from holocaust surviving parents and grandparents and had a very similar mentality but you gotta always figure it out a couple more shabbat shalom before we get to the next uh next great guest to lily tripp from montreal quebec shabbat shalom rivka tyler of course from baltimore shabbat shalom to you miriam daba from new jersey shabbat shalom to you um shabbat shalom to bat sheva shabbat shalom to um they've been gigi family thank you so much i hope i got that right shabbat shalom to you to linda lila and shabbat shalom to you to the hass family shabbat shalom to you as well okay our next guest is an incredible credible guy rabbi dr ari sitner is a passionate married therapist licensed clinical social worker author inspirational speaker rabbi and proud kidney donor he's a graduate professor of social work and the director of leadership and community development at sheba university ari provides trauma intervention nationally in the wake of tragic mass shootings and speaks extensively about compassion love kindness and marriage sharing his unique doctoral research on marital relationships ahri is the author of the kidneys donors journey he lives in new jersey with his wife of 20 plus years and there are four children i had a chance to catch up with arya earlier this week and check out this interview so ari thank you so much for joining us in the show we really appreciate it my pleasure happy to be here so you know when you think about marriage many times marriage is a very um operational feel right it's like you get into this marriage and then before you realize you're dating five fine fine but then at some point like you wake up and you got like a life to run right there are kids there are carpools there's payments there's schedules and many times a marriage sort of becomes sort of like an operational partnership how does one first of all you agree with dad and how does one get past that yeah i think that you know we we tend to focus on the excitement of the startup like the launch is so exciting and there's the you know the dating and the marriage and the wedding and all that wonderful stuff but at the end of the day we're gonna have a lot of responsibilities and so with that when a couple hits their stride and if they could manage to juggle with all the balls in the air and just sort of like hold their breath and hope that they're not dropping like you know forget one kid at school and carpool that they accidentally left behind right we call that hey that was a good day and if we just think of that as the goal what starts to happen is we create a reality where it's just a matter of survival and survival is is going to be the enemy here because we don't want a marriage that's quote unquote fine because research on that shows that that's actually going to send you to a decline that marriage is eroding and you've got to constantly fuel it and pump it with positive energy so that it's always on the ascent in the same way that it first launched the pressures are so immense so if you could again keep your head above water and you could say we're doing fine most people would consider that a success but there's a fabulous researcher named dr shirley glass who worked with couples in the aftermath of an infidelity and realized so many of those couples were coming forward having previously reported that well my marriage was fine and that was we realized that fine is actually a high risk category because you're on cruise control when you're a cruise control is when you're likely to fall asleep at the wheel wow so so okay so now how do we go forward then so what's the next step how does one go from fine to the next level okay so this is going back to basics and i think as a couple's therapist i i mean i see this every day too often people focus on conflict as the beginning middle and end of a good relationship and historically you'd go to couples therapy because oh we're always fighting with each other so if a couple's therapist teaches you how to fight better does that mean you actually like each other not necessarily look i don't fight with my mailman but it doesn't mean i want to spend time with him right right right so conflict isn't necessarily correlated with um with having happiness the question is what's the quality of the friendship how do we create an environment where it's like i want to spend time with you like some people say oh i love my spouse i just don't always like them so much like i'd give them and take a bullet for them or give them my kidney but you know if i had to go grocery shopping with them i'd shoot myself like i can't handle spending time with them well that's a problem right because it's a person you've chosen to spend your life with and we want to make sure that there's that fun that positivity that's going to fuel everything else that's necessary to make it a happy marriage what's the mentality for for how to get there okay how do you build emotional intimacy in a marriage let me give you two uh two perspectives two techniques and this is based on the brilliant research of what i would only call my rebbe in this field dr john gottman who is the world's expert uh and please check out you know his books his talks on on youtube he's just the uh go-to uh when it comes to relationships and so he trained me as a couple's therapist to be able to do this kind of work and say all right if you want to feel positive vibes toward your spouse so you got to start with yourself in other words it's it's one thing to say oh i tell my partner tell my wife i love you right does that build intimacy yes but it doesn't start there because if you don't really feel it then those are just words and people know the difference right you could read your your partner like you know with your eyes closed you know when they're serious and when they're not when they mean it when they're just giving you lip service so the first step is actually internally what i want to do is the following and i want to encourage everyone actually to do this exercise after you're finished watching this video i want you to think of a positive quality that you see in your spouse it could be something that's like a 10 something that's amazing or it could just be something that's like great you know like like you know i thought my partner is really reliable you could be talking about your camry or you can be talking about your partner but those are still things that you appreciate about them and so if you could just capture equality start with that the next step is to just ponder it so what i'm going to ask you to do is close your eyes and just meditate on just think about your part picture them embodying that quality engendering it at any given moment right maybe they're they're you know great parent maybe they're a good friend they have a big heart they're generous just picture it feel it now what i want you to do is let it feel your body notice the feeling what is coming up for you when you can let that permeate that i am with somebody who is kind and if they weren't how much empty would my life feel so we're letting it fill those cracks within us and just say wow i am so blessed i am so lucky to be with someone so special and as we let it fill up the next thing to do is to go to part two which is turn to your partner and just make eye contact just hold their gaze for just a few moments and share with them something i appreciate or cherish about you is that you are and fill in the blank something i cherish is that you're kind and then give an example for example that time when you know you you took your your groceries and you went over the homeless person and you just you you handed it over to them and i was so blown away by that and talk about the feeling when i think about that it makes me feel warm it makes me feel blessed it makes me feel ecstatic shared the emotion and when the partner hears that receives that the key is not just to go okay but you build emotional intimacy by taking it up a notch and saying wow that was really beautiful to hear that makes me feel loved appreciated cared for so this is like the reverse side of what uh conflict does right in in criticism and attacking somebody and being defensive and not really listening to each other we kind of escalate things in a negative way here we want to escalate positivity and dr gottman found that successful relationships have a ratio ready for this charlie 20 to 1 of positive to negative wow so could you imagine if you do one negative thing at home with 20 positive you know how hard it is to say 20 positive things but successful couplers organically are just saying things like oh you look really nice or dinner was great or you know thank you for listening to me appreciate your help just those little things that become an organic part of the environment so yeah am i juggling carpools and and handling a lot of transactional kind of components to life yeah but it doesn't mean that i have to lose the emotional part so that's a perfect exercise that anyone can practice first internally and then share it and then you switch roles right and then partner two we'll go back to partner one and share and we just create these really magical moments and what's awesome is if you think about couples who are struggling so dr gottman observed them as well in this laboratory setting and he watched them and said you know what even those who are struggling had a one-to-one ratio in the middle of a fight so they may have been like blasting each other and still saying oh but you look really nice today or thanks for your help with the kids you know and you would you know an outsider would listen and say wow that's that's kind of nice even another fight you said something good those couples they're gonna really make it those one-to-one couples are the ones who ended up divorced and what that tells us even in a fight the positive couples while fighting had a five to one ratio so when we think about what's the fuel that's going to take a relationship and really help it soar it's like putting gas in your car right you need positivity you need positive emotion you need to be able to convey them that's what we use as a tool for building fondness and admiration where two people can look up to each other just feel warm and loved an interesting concept that the the glue of the relationship really is positivity you don't have to be an expert in relationships you don't need to doctor it and the way rabbi dr ari just said it was so um it was so perfect in a way it was simple it was positivity it's shining the light on the other person it very much connects if you if you're drawing the connection here to the cowlins and to rabbit goldberg this idea that there's someone else in my life and the more i am shining positivity on the person small or large in my head i'm building a certain glue in that relationship i have to be an expert at a relationship i should have to be positive an incredible concept that twenty to one was massive or even five to one we should think about that when we go through our day even if we're having a hard time how many things do i say positively versus negatively the person that i'm married to or my children or my friends because it is that positivity that really becomes the goal of the relationship okay speaking of positivity let's let's compete might as well kahoot time those that are joining us for the first time don't just go on your computer you can just use your phone and go to the kahoot app if you've got another device go to kahoot.it and plug in this code three two eight three four three six three two eight three four three six um yeah you get it all different ways so whether it's on your app or another device or on your phone uh just let's play kahoot let's compete a little bit if we get some positivity for like five more minutes then we'll get back to that okay before while we get to people lining up i want to give a couple more shout outs um to uh josephine from phoenix arizona shabbat shalom mendel davis from baltimore shabbat shalom with command source shabbat shalom linda leland from boston shabbat shalom uh from jen in georgia erica lisa and barley and the wonder puppy from fair loan shabbat shalom shabbat shalom to stacey now 11 ran from maryland shabbat shalom thank you for your kind words eric hirsch my good friend shabbat shalom to the diamond family in lakewood new jersey i was there this afternoon lakewood new jersey what a great place shabbat shalom louie uh in denver colorado to alana loewy a lot of low in denver colorado everybody continue to put in the cahoots we're going to wait a couple more seconds get everybody on of course my mom uh please mommy get on every week we make sure that my mom gets on that's part of my responsibility as her son shabbat shalom to mike mike skolnick skolik from st louis shabbat shalom shabbat shalom to linda leland um and let's give it one more minute before we get started here just give it 10 more seconds i just want to go to facebook for one more second you know what let's get started people are coming on but you know what let's roll um to my team from project inspire let's begin how do you say married in hebrew cave for those who speak hebrew i hope you're finding the the sarcasm here kavrosh ki dashta na sui or harbei or used to have harvey kessaf maybe michelle revivo shabbat shalom to you and thank you for a great show last week joey kantrowitz shabbat shalom from suffering new york okay here goes first answer nasui very good a couple people actually said koeivroch which means a headache and there are people that said hobbey kesev so the answer was married in hebrew let's see how we placed first round avigdor novik silver rachel that's probably rachel jamie's mom is on the board another rachel wow rachel's are taking it over here okay let's go second and second question where does israel rank in the world rating of marriages per capita first 10th 30th or 60th marriage per capita to the pomeranz family in sandy springs georgia shabbat shalom lily in quebec recent brian wolfe oak park michigan shabbat shalom alana trokel from great next shabbat shalom yes linda's question ari and sv are brothers a dominant family they are i'm sure their parents are shipping much knox here goes the answer the answer is 10th good answer good guess for those who don't how would you know that but great guess lots of jews in there rachel steps up mike comes to the board ajs winner hana and the edison adlers are now on the board okay let's go to the third question number three which country has the youngest average age of marriage at 20 years old for men and 17 for women iran niger maybe that was nigeria yemen or zimbabwe the youngest marriage guys at 20 the ladies are 17 iran niger probably nigeria yemen or zimbabwe troy michelle and troy zakowski sir lynn shabbat shalom to you murray levy shabbat shalom to you as well and the answer is niger wow interesting you see you learn things new every single time here let's see how we did on the board i love how the porch oh wow joe steps in and rachel stays on the board with mike and ajh with the winner hana on okay fourth and final question what percentage of israelis are married by 25 10 33 50 or 70. bet zuckerbrow from smithtown shabbat shalom jonathan rudman yes shabbat shalom to you let's go back to israel together i'm in esther willinger shabbat shalom from toronto shabbat shalom to you you'll have it yahoo tom from great next watch medina kirschner from bergen field samantha gutman from pennsylvania aaron jordan from with shabbat shalom to you guys from montreal shabbat shalom the answer is 50 of israelis are married at 25. interesting stat 50 let's see how we ended number three sam congratulations welcome to the board i think the first time i've seen you number two gibbs we've seen you before gibbs the number one and the winner is ajh ajh congratulations with our runner-ups please feel free to tap in and email projectinspire.com to get your gifts and now it is time for the one and only jamie geller check it out hi charlie thank you so much hello everybody shabbat shalom it's so good to see you again so since we're talking about marriage this episode i thought i'd tell you a cute little story about when hubby and i first got married so before i got married i'm the single girl tv producer living in manhattan working long days i use my oven for storage i never turn the thing on i do take out and delivery for everything and if i'm going to cook it's going to be like a big salad for dinner maybe even yogurt and fruit and so i get married and i'm thinking about adding that to the menu for hubby for dinner and he's like what so i thought i'd share this recipe with you because it marries uh my favorites which is like lettuce for dinner uh with possibly even some fruit in there one of my favorites and for hubby it's got the chicken now i know plenty women love chicken salads and of course it's just something a little bit more substantial that was hobby friendly for my hubby and it was a just a dish that we could come together on so it's something i love to share now you could also make this with skirt steak that would be delicious and that would be it up so before i say shabbat shalom to you i wanted to say hi to my parents they're always watching i feel like you know old school when people see it on the news and be on tv they're like hi mom so hi mom and uh love to you all please ask any questions always make sure you're tuning in on time because at the beginning of the show is when i answer your cues about this week's recipe so have amazing shabbat shabbat shalom and until next week see you later [Music] so thank you jamie as always amazing and excellent you can always check out more jamie stuff from jamiegaller.com she's on facebook instagram pinterest youtube twitter tick tock jamie gallo or at julius by jamie what an incredibly important part of our show and thank you jamie our next guest is a wonderful person tamar livingstone is on with us tamara's spent the past 15 years working in jewish education including co-founding a non-profit together with her husband she teaches bridal and marital education courses and she's passionate about empowering couples to build close positive relationships she's currently live she kind of lives in baltimore with her husband and three daughters and loves reading connecting with people and sharing the relevance of jewish wisdom to modern times tamar welcome to the show we got you're still on mute perfect we got you now sorry thanks so much for having me charlie it is an honor to have you i got to tell you first of all before we even get started the chat here is sort of lighting up with how much people love you in baltimore that is so just like we're getting a lot of love in the chat just letting you know live feedback what's going on thank you what you doing it's so great and so you know we're dealing with a challenging time and i know that it's something that you care about a lot challenges that couples go through yeah what do you find that are some of the biggest challenges that couples face today and how do couples navigate that properly yeah it's a great question so today in particular i'm finding that a lot of couples are dealing with this myth that seems to be very popular and seems to be crashing in front of their eyes and that's the myth that when people love each other they should want to spend every minute of every day together you know so many couples are you know cooped up at home quarantined working remotely spending more and more time together these days than they ever have before and they're faced with this with these complicated feelings of feeling like i love my spouse but i don't love every minute of every day being together not having any privacy and not having a minute to think to myself and people are kind of like is there something wrong with me is there something wrong with my husband do we have a terrible marriage what's happening and no nothing's wrong with you and nothing's wrong with your husband it's a myth that is just not true relationships are not meant to be so close in such close quarters all the time there's there's meant to be this natural ebb and flow where people leave and come back and go out and come back and have different interactions with different people to come share with you're not meant to be the only end-all be-all for your spouse it's unrealistic and unnatural and i think dealing with that myth is causing a lot of you know harsh rude awakenings for people i can totally see that i can totally see that in fact i've been reading articles about couples making drastic moves and i think all they really need is like an hour to themselves and they're like well what what i could totally and by the way kids are the same way you know i'm saying like everyone needs to breathe there's and i think that's a very astute point that is critical that everybody understands i want to delve into the fight if you can take us through this a little bit because this happens there's conflict there's fight if you're in close quarters people are stressed when somebody is fighting with their spouse what are the healthy ways to fight what are the unhealthy ways to fight and how does someone navigate that when you're in that mode okay sure so let's go through like the concept of fighting a little bit um and then you know the theories and then we'll get into the practical so you know there are certain fights that every couple has right all couples seem to fight about in-laws right does that ring a bell for anyone right when is your mother when is your mother leaving how come your parents never call me how come your mom never comes to help with the kids those are some of the classic fights about in-laws another classic fight that couples often go through is about money right you bought what you used which credit card why can't you get a better paying job and then there's the fights about who does or doesn't do enough around the house right you left your socks on the floor again you never have dinner ready on time you forgot to take out the trash the light bulbs have been burnt out for four months or since the beginning of quarantine and then there are the other fights the ones that seem worse the ones that go something like you never do anything nice for me you never give me compliments you don't know how to make me feel good and i think what's happening is that we think we're fighting because we feel that our spouse is really the worst spouse out there my husband is the worst he's the most selfish he's the most lazy no one ever leaves light bulbs burned out for as long as my husband does he never does anything for me right we think the reason that we're fighting is because our husband or wife is just so fill in the blank deficient irresponsible lazy selfish and our fights are so painful and hurt so badly that it often leaves us questioning our relationships so what's really going on for us when these disagreements and arguments escalate into these explosions how did we get here how is it that the person we fell in love with we're now yelling at for not changing light bulbs what are we really fighting about so i'm one of those people who seems to have a sign on her forehead that says come talk to me so you know those types yeah so i was once on a plane and a man sitting across the aisle from me struck up a conversation with me about you know the baby i was holding in my lap and he proceeded to show me pictures of his baby on his phone and then he started telling me about how he just got divorced even though he only has a six month old baby and he said i got divorced because i just wasn't happy i wasn't happy i suppose if the goal of marriage is to be happy then in his case his marriage failed it didn't meet the goal he wasn't happy so divorce made sense but what if happiness isn't the goal of marriage jewish wisdom offers us an incredibly profound perspective on the concept of marriage and what it's all about you see the first married couple adam and java adam and eve were created as one attached human being weird i know they were both male and female conjoined and then god looked at them and said lotov adam levado it isn't good for man to be alone so god split them into two halves a male and a female and he then instructed them to become one flesh he instructed them to get married and to become one so they started off as one he separated them into two and charged them to with the mission to become one again and there's a lot of beautiful and deep lessons here but for our purposes we'll just focus on one of them our natural state the way that we first came into the world is as one connected unit that sense of wholeness and of connection is hardwired into the spiritual dna of every human being since the beginning of time and the goal and purpose of marriage is to reconnect these two halves as god charged us with the mission of becoming one flesh again this is what we're searching for in our marriages this connection this wholeness does connection often come with happy feelings absolutely but does it always no the road to connection is full of challenges ups and downs upsets hurt feelings and all kinds of trials the goal of marriage isn't to be happy the goal is to be close and connected and happiness will be a byproduct of that closeness the need for connection is actually so primal of a need that research shows that when we sense this lack of connection our brains treat this as a danger cue so meaning our internal alarm system goes firing off and we start to panic when we sense that our connection isn't strong so for those of you who have kids who are home on zoom school and you're also working from home all sharing the same wi-fi and you see on your screen it starts saying weak signal you start to panic because you're about to get hung up from a super important business meeting your kids are going to get disconnected from school that's sort of like panic that sets in that's what happens to us when we see the sign that our connection to our spouse is weakening it's that weak signal weak signal and we start to panic our bodies actually play out the spiritual truth that being alone is not good for us the our bodies know that something's wrong when we're not connected so therefore the underlying threat of all conflicts everything that we're fighting about whether it's the light bulbs or the bills that aren't getting paid is the fear of disconnection we so badly need to be connected that when we sense our connection is weak it's what throws us into chaos and it's this terrifies us so to answer your question about healthy fighting i think what we need to realize when we're fighting is what are we really fighting about is it annoying that the light bulbs are burnt out of course sure you can express that that's totally valid but we aren't fighting about the light bulbs we're fighting because we think our partner isn't taking our feelings and our concerns seriously we feel that we're not being hurt we feel that our connection is weakening and that's what sends us into this tizzy and this panic very good i hear that totally i think it's a great point this idea of connection and really understanding the difference in each of these feelings well tamar thank you so much for joining us what an incredible insight and what a way to close the show by really connecting the other side of seeing the expansion of self really which is it's not the expansion of self now that you said it it's really the the search to reconnect to self and to become one really appreciate it thank you for what you do and thank you for shining light on the world thank you what an incredible point and i want to just make sure that's clear and it's so powerful if you think about it this idea that the real goal of what we're after in life is not happiness it's unity that's the game and by the way there's a secret that we say every day the shema is the last word is not just that god is one god is unity spirituality is unity two bodies could be living in the same house but two souls are cleaving to be one again families are cleaving to be one communities are cleaving to be one this idea of expansion of self really is not like this it's like this right you're searching to connect to more and i think when you see it this way the way tamar said i thought was great what sends us crazy is the lack of connection not the lack of happiness the power that we have in trying and it's not always happy it's sometimes very challenging but it's the greatest the greatest thing in the world check out this beautiful video that we have about two people that really found a very interesting connection you know many times they're being asked how does it feel to be married 65 years i said it's wonderful all you could see was corpses around you know and i noticed this boy i'll tell you my brother was like in the same camp and i recognized him because he was together in the same barrack but i never spoke in one word but when i saw him lying on the ground i said to my aunt and my friend and her sister you know he's still alive we're gonna try and nurse him back to health and they said nancy are you crazy can't you see is that and i said he's not that yet if we let him lie here for sure will die when i found him he was like this very very thin and sick so he was throwing up all the time but but after a week or two weeks he said he needs a doctor we went out to get some food his mind was working good so he crawled down from the bed the door was a little open and the road was next to the door like not a few steps he laid himself on the road in a military vehicle picked him up and took him to a military hospital when we came back we didn't know what happened to him it wasn't there so we were very upset but we had to keep going you know [Music] and when i heard the girl that saved my life i arrived actually it was a big excitement for me i come to the house that she was staying in i knocked the door and i see this beautiful blonde girl opens up and she says it's you i don't remember that but he says so i said yeah it's me and uh at that point my life started an incredible story what an incredible story about reconnecting even in the in the harshest of places special shabbat shalom as we conclude of course to my wonderful sister who's watching and the entire isaacson family who i love so much to michelle and mark mandelman shabbat shalom to you quam rankly from chad shabbat shalom to you and of course the debbie uh rosalinski shabbat from tinac and really this is what it's all about this is the game of life the game of life is the game of relationships and relationships really are understanding that we are searching to be one with others our spouse our children our families our community this idea that we have been separated physically but spiritually we're searching for one the expansion of self giving to the other as a way of fueling ourselves spreading positivity just positivity and all of these concepts are steps in the way really of our own personal fulfillment that's what relationships really are about whether it's our marriage or others really when it comes down to it the greatest thing we can do for ourselves is be there for other people and that's what shabbat is about because shabbat is the time in which the treadmill slows down in life and the operational aspects of life slow down just enough that we can realize what's important the people in our lives are important god and a relationship with him is important and as the operations and as all the transactions come to a slow and that's what's going to happen now we're thursday night into friday and then we'll walk into a shabbat as we get into that space it is the most perfect time for us to look around and realize what is worth investing in each other so on behalf of me and mine i want to wish you and yours a restful peaceful wonderful thoughtful shabbat may this be the shabbat where we appreciate what we have around us we realize that it is only when we give do we get and the opportunity to shine light and to connect is of the most powerful that we can do in this world may we see a time where we all connect and the whole world connects to the real truth maybe just maybe next week we'll get to see each other live from jerusalem but if not i wish you a good weekend a good shabbos shabbat shalom and i hope and pray that i get to see you again next week on the show shabbat shalom [Music] i've gone so far so far from home me back to you back into your lovin art [Music] are you listening [Music] i don't know where i am i don't know where i've been all i know is i'm standing here begging you bring me back bring me back into your loving so take me back take me back take me back into your lovely nose i can't do it into your alone [Music] so far [Music] oh [Music] oh [Music] is [Applause] [Music] you