Rav Gav Friedman: Anger Management - Project Inspire Convention 2016

Let us get cracking. First and foremost, for the uninitiated, my name is Gabriel Freriedman. Originally from Woodmir, New York, uh living now in the holy land of Jerusalem, holy land of Israel, but in particular New Shallay. Um, yeah, I guess that's all you need to know. Okay, so we're going to start off with the situ. I want to tell you what you what do you think about the following situation. I wish I would say that this happened once or twice, but the truth is this happened many, many times to me. uh and perhaps others as well. So there I was and I'm on my way. I teach like I mentioned in US in the old city in the old city of Ushalam and and basically what happens is that when there was a time when I used to take the bus and not just one bus but actually many buses I was I think they don't have it now. It's very different the system but I used to I used to teach in a bunch of places and therefore I was taking there was something called anyone know everyone knows what I'm talking about? No. No. No one knows. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Right. So now they they have the also but now it's fancymancy the whole thing. Anyway, so the point is that uh I used to take nine buses a day in like in itself. I was spending two to three hours a day on the bus and I had a lot of different stories that go along with this idea. So basically what happens is that uh I was teaching in particular in a place called Pisgadv and another place I was teaching was in like you said the old city of Shalim. So I had to get back and forth. Morning there, afternoon there. And I used to take two buses generally. If I got lucky, I could grab whatever the six straight took you there. But you usually take an eight, which then takes you to a six and then the whole thing. Now they change the whole thing because of the train, right? But uh all right, you get the point. And if you don't, it doesn't really matter because here's the relevant part. The relevant part is that there I was and I got on the bus. And when I got on the bus, I I had to go take the next one. I got off at one stop. Now, one stop was about 100 m. For those unfamiliar with that, that would be 100 yards. If you don't know what that is, it's about a football field. If you still don't know, it's like 300 ft. If you still don't know, I'm sorry. Yeah, but it's, you know, it's it's there's some distance. So, I got off the bus and when I got off the bus, at one part I saw the bus pulling up at the other station and I was like, "Oh, no. I got to get to the old city." So, I start I start now. There's a soldier behind me that gets off and he goes rats, right? Which means run. and he was holding a gun. I'm like, I'm running. Yeah. So, I I run and right when we got to the bus, what happens? I Oh, I told you this one already. Anyway, so the bus pulls away. The bus pulls away. Now, I want real answers here. Don't just get caught up with titles and don't just caught up with, you know, be real to me. Be real with me. How do you feel at that moment? How do you feel? Oh, come on. You guys are too easy. Yeah. I feel angry management at that moment. You know what I mean? It's just like in Hartford. You know what I'm saying? Okay. So you feel not too thrilled, not too excited, but some people can deal with it. Some people are like, "It's all right." You know, but I was like, "Ah." One of those, you know, motion you go, "Ah, you want to say more things, but you're Jewish." So I'm like, "Aha." I go, and this guy next to me, this guy next to me, this Israeli soldier, I said to him, I'm like, "Well, you know, I guess Gamu Lova. Yeah, this two is for the best." And then the guy turns to me, this Israeli soldier, who's about 5'2, and he says to me in an Israeli soldier voice, because they always have to do this because they're Israeli soldiers. He goes, I call it, right? Which means like everything is for the best. It's amazing because when they're soldiers, that's how they talk. When they get out of being a soldier, they hand in their gun. They totally change. Ah, shalom. Say, and they walk out and it's amazing. Okay. Anyway, so the guy goes, "Everything's for the best." And I'm like, "Oh, yeah, really. Everything's for the best." He goes, "Yeah." go, "How do you know?" He's like, "Well, I sure hope so. Otherwise, life really stinks." I said, "That, my friend, is a fantastic proof." Thank you. Yeah, but that didn't really help. But if he's still not upset or angry, what happens? Bus pulls away, but it stopped 20 ft later. I'm like, "Oh, alhamdulillah." I go and I run over. I get to the bus. And when I get right to the bus, I knock on the window. And the driver, he looks at me and he goes, "And then he pulls off. And that's when I borrow the gun. Now you understand people. I'm not too thrilled. If you still didn't get upset, you still didn't get upset. I got I don't got time to play these games. All right. I got to get to the old city. So I stop a cab. How much to the old city? So the guy goes, "Um, hold on. Hold. I have to think this, too. Make sure I get this right. Uh, 20." So the guy goes to me, 30 shekel. I saidim, "What do you do in Israel if you don't like a price? What do you do?" You barter. Okay. You barter. You barter. No. Like I don't know. Be careful where you are. Please don't take caps. All right. But I'll tell you like this. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what that means. Anyway, the point is that you bargain. You say you bargain. All right. So I go, but the way you bargain with Israelis is you don't actually say numbers. You just yell. That's all you do. So the guy goes slow. I go. The guy goes, you know. Okay. I said that's what I thought. Yeah. And we get into the cab and we go and we get there. We get there. I give him a 50. He gives me back 20. But he gives it in change, right? So I won't notice. Yeah. He pulls off. I'm like, I can't that. And then the bus goes by. I'm like that. And bus goes off. I can't believe it. And as I'm counting, still not angry. You have You missed the bus. The guy waves to you. He rips you off. I can't believe I'm doing the money falls through my fingers into one of those cracks in the ground. I can't believe I bent down to pick it up. Someone knocked me over. Yeah. You're still not upset. A tornado came out of nowhere and ripped off all of my clothing. Just mine. Yeah. I was once giving this class and there was a guy from Oklahoma and he goes yeah I'm like what is that like a normal thing for you like you're standing at a bus stop and Mary I lost him again you know let's start over anyway but the point is my friends even if it's not that I know obviously I was exaggerating with the point where the bus went too far but besides that everything understand my friends we all things in our lives would get us upset all things life get us a little bit agitated perhaps frustrated and maybe even angry Every one of us get it. Especially if you're like the video person and the guy is just not standing still. Like you just can't stand that. Oh, it excuse me. Oh. Anyway, so so the point is we all have things that get us upset and angry. And the question I want to try to address tonight is what's the source? What's the root? The root the root is on fire perhaps like what is the source and the root of the concept of a person's anger and how can a person overcome it? How can a person do it? And I want to know like how you have real power the rabbis maybe say to really overcome this concept. Yeah. So, where's a where does a person where does it come from? So, let's let's and there's time is not on my side. No, it ain't. But I'm going to try to try to bring this out anyway. Let's let's see if a couple people do me a favor. The one thing I ask of you is don't give me your brainwashed answers because of your therapy and different things that you have seen. Yeah. I want you to get me real over here. I want you now in the room, can anyone think of a time when if you can, we'll do this like we did on Friday because I see it didn't work as well when I actually asked. If you could think of a time which made you angry, then do not raise your hand. Whoa. Okay, everybody relax. Now, can anyone actually think of a time? Raise your hand. You don't I'm not going to call on you and ask you what it is. I just want to know, can you think of a time when you were angry in life? If so, raise your hand. If so, raise your hand. If so, wow, you guys are very calm. Oh, now it comes up, right? The women are like this. The men are like their wives are here. Yeah. Okay. Their wives are here. I see other women are like, "What you mean angry, boy." Anyway, all right. So, think of a time. Think of a time in your life when you were angry. And I want you to tell me where did it come from. What made you angry? What? Now, I don't want to know the example. I don't care about the of course I care. I care about every one of you. Every nishama, every nama needs to be inspired. Okay? But what I'm trying to say is I don't really care about what the case is. What I want to know is what was it about that that made you angry? Can anyone think of a circumstance and you better not tell me some Rambam? I want you to be real with Well, the Rambam. I want you to be real with me. Tell me a time. Think in your life you were angry and tell me why you were angry. We will now wait. Someone hurt your feelings. Someone hurt my feel what? Oh, your feelings. Okay. Someone hurt your feelings. Yeah. Things didn't go the way I wanted. Therefore, I don't understand. I didn't get it. Say it again. You assume that. Why are you talking about me? Yeah. You Yeah. Go another way. Yeah. Therefore, out of disappointment. Out of disappointment. What does that mean? You got angry. I don't understand. All you told me is a f I do, by the way. I really do understand. It's just a It's a technique. It's a tactic. You understand? I totally understand. I just want you to bring it out more clearly. In other words, when you say that things don't go the way that you want, what should be the response when somebody doesn't get something that they want? What should be the response? Come on. No, I don't mean what should I be religious. I mean, what what would be a normal response? A a natural what? Disappointment. No, come on. And listen my friends I think we've discussed I don't think here we've discussed this but if you want a real answer an honest answer a real answer who do you go to to ask psychi psych good kids right you go to children children say it exactly like it is this is why I always told my wife never ask your kid does this dress make me look fat because then your kid will just say no mommy your fat makes you look fat like they're very very honest which is why you go to a kid you go to a child they'll tell you exactly what's going on. What does a child do, assuming they haven't yet grown up to be an adult, and that's around four or five, what does a child do when they don't get what they want? What do they do? They cry. What's the feeling? It's sadness. You're disappointed. No. What's anger? Come on. What was it? What is it? Okay. So, now we'll get Rambami on you. Okay. So, the Rambam comes along and he says a beautiful idea. I'm going to share with you two statements from the Rambam. And the Rambam said like this. And we're gonna ask a question on both of them. Number one, number one, the Ram says that out of all the character traits a person should have, we very classic Rambam, you should take the golden path. So is take the middle road. Don't be a person who gives away all your money. Don't be a person who gives away none of your money. Don't be a person who's always excited. Was always a right it goes find that middle path except for two things says the Rambam. A person should try to stay to the opposite extreme trying never to fall prey to these two things. What are they? Number one is anger. Number two is ga gavat. Right? The idea of hottiness, arrogance, ego, um, pride. My therapist said those are all different. Okay, I get it. I understand. Yes. But we're going to go like this. Anyway, so that's fine. Keep it. Oh, so back to what we were saying is that is that understand that it all comes down to the concept of of the ego essentially use that word. Okay, Lego my ego, right? Lego, right? So essentially what it is is again but use whatever you want. The point is says the Rambam that GIA is what he calls it. Okay, Ga and Cas. Question number one is what is a connection. What is a connection between anger and arrogance if there is any? Question number two is based off the gumar and shabas page 105b towards the bottom of the page and the gumar over there says we're not going to go with the gar we're going to go with the rambom on the gumar because it says a little bit different the truth is those who know the kale we're not going to know what that the point is the rambom says anyone who gets angry someone who gets angry it's as if they worshiped idolatry it's in it's in idols the question is what's the connection anger and arrogance what's the connection anger and idolatry what's going on over here So again, I apologize. This is very hard for me. It's the truth to be able to do this to you. I I just I know they're going to want me to end on time. And I have a lot of lot a lot to do right now. So I'm going to try to just rip through this. Number one. Number one, the connection between anger and arrogance is very simple. And if you disagree, I want you to speak up. I do. I want you to speak up. You're welcome to tell me I'm wrong. I you know, my wife tells me also, but I just want but she's wrong. Just But she's not. Is she here? Anyway, so um but I want to say is just the follow. Number one, the connection anger and arrogance is that essentially the reason you're getting angry and the root moral speaks about this also brings out I think it's similar that when a person gets angry where is it coming from it is coming from the arrogance it's coming from arrogance and it's along the lines you see it's it should be a certain way essentially it should be a certain way what does it mean should be I'm entitled to it's supposed to be what's going on not I just want something to be it's meant to be that way. That's the way it's supposed to be. Essentially, think about a time in your life when you were angry and it was not from arrogance. Good. So, now we see that that's the case. Every time we're going to get what is it essentially? Let me give you a case. You're putting your kid to sleep. You put them to sleep and then they come out and you put them to sleep and then they come out and then you put them to sleep and then they come out and then you chain them up and you look, whoa, did I say that out loud? I'm so sorry. Not me. My friend, whatever. Okay. Whatever. My friends, my wife, but and they say, "Okay, go ahead." And they go, "And what happened?" Then you get angry. Excuse me. I'm the parent. You're the child. How dare you? This is not the way it's supposed to be. Right? In other words, what are we saying? Anger is coming from arrogance. That's number one. Again, if you disagree, I'm happy to hear. If you want to speak up, yell it at any time. It gets a little exciting. If people like to argue, it's good. No one. Okay. Then we have number two. Number two, what's the connection between anger and idolatry? So, this goes into a big discussion. I'm going to go along with those opinions that will work for what I'm trying to say. And that's the following. understand the fact that the Lord prayed the abisher or the abisher if you were reading your speech when you were 13. So the aishar whatever enough about me. So the aishar comes along and said my father wrote the speech I didn't look at after you know I'm like you know the abisher I don't think a word of y I'm like I want to thank the aishar and I was like who right? I'm like it's god's brother anyway. So I said are you angry? That's a bonus right there. Anyway but it this week's he okay so anyway so what happens is it's idea when a person gets angry what are they doing? That my friends is known as idolatry. Why? Because Hashem runs the world. Hashem fears. Oh, Hashem runs the world. And if the Lord runs the world and the Lord runs the world and we are getting angry at that idea, what essentially are we saying? What are we doing? Who are we worshiping? Clearly, it's not Hashem. At the very best or worst or least, it's ourselves. In which case, we're not understanding that everything that happens in one's life, every step you take, every move you make, Hashem is watching, right? He's want. Can't you see what I'm saying? You belong to him. That's every step is person. Hashem is there. What song? What's is that? What is it? Journeys like anyway. So everything a person's into. So anytime a person's involved, Hashem's involved. Hashem is involved. And if we're getting angry, then what are we saying? This is very heavy. What are we saying? Essentially, we're saying the following. God, I didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this. Okay? I'm saying, but you're wrong. You see, because if we thought that God wasn't wrong, we wouldn't be angry. And I'll prove it to you. Prove. Proof means 100%. You should never really use the word proof. I should have said I'll bring you overwhelmingly significant evidence to show that this is true. But I'm going to rather say differently. I'm going to prove it to you that what I'm saying is true and that it's coming from the idea when a person understands. Let's say give it give an example. U formalities speaking technique just to bring out the idea. We're all with me. Have you guys ever been in an argument before with somebody? Yes. Okay. Good. All right. Now, have you had a situ What do you think? I forgot what I'm going to say. Like, that's a question. Okay, I'll make it more simple. Have you been in an argument before with someone? Question mark open to the crowd now. Answer. There you go. All right. Now, you get into some silly arguments. Silly arguments. You know, you say, you know, make a right turn in two blocks. And then the guy goes, um, it's actually three blocks. You go, um, okay, two blocks. And then they go, no, three blocks. And then it starts to escalate. Two block, three, two block, three block. And then go, ah, I forgot which one I had said already. But let's say, let's say I go, it's three blocks, the other guy, no, I go two blocks, other guy goes three blocks. Okay, I go two block, three block, two block, three block. And then it turns some silly crazy argument. Have you ever been doing that? And you're going two block. And as you're going two block, you then recognize, you then realize, wait a minute, it's really three blocks. How do you feel at that moment? You feel pretty stupid now. You don't show that. You go, I don't even have to talk to you anymore. Okay. You're so off. Yeah. And if you're driving at the end of two blocks, you won't make a right turn. It doesn't matter what is there. You understand? It's a cliff. Like, what are you doing? It's a shortcut. Yeah. But the point is, we go, we would rather die than prove to the fact that we were wrong. But the point is, that's what we do. We go at him. What do we do? What? But we feel really, how do we feel? We feel stupid. Because the way it works like this. When you know you're wrong, you feel silly. When you think you're right, you get angry. Does everybody get what just happened? When you think you're right, you get angry. When you know you're wrong, you feel silly. So essentially, what's it coming from? Is this feeling of I am right. There's nothing to talk about. What about if you feel the pain of somebody else? It's not even you. It's just somebody else. It's injustice. Whatever. Same thing. He says, "This is not the way it's supposed to be." Really? What is the way it's supposed to be? The way that I want it to be. Everybody get that. I'll give you even more. I'll give you deeper. I'll share what happened with my brother and I. We were once standing on the corner of a street in now. My brother's not from he lives in Bamesh. Extra crispy. And we're standing on the corner and and gash. And what happens is that we're standing there. People are going to be like, "Is this guy like what's wrong?" Anyway, so the lights shut off. So, you know what I'm saying? It's like a thing when lights shut. So, anyway, so there's a camera here for all those who are wondering what's going on. So, so basically, it was just confining me to my box. Uh, so, so what happens is that my brother and I were speaking and we're close, but we came very close all of a sudden because literally out of nowhere, it's not real. It's an expression. It was out of somewhere. Nothing's out of nowhere. Only Hashem does, but you know, out of nowhere, someone came. all of a sudden and came and pushed me in the back unwarranted. Didn't do anything. I'm up against my brother. I was like, he's like, "Yo, what are you doing?" I'm like, "I don't know what's going on." You know, we're close. Back off. Yeah. So, I back up and I turn and I'm like, "I can't believe who what got clipping number 11. How could that? What's go I'm about to knock that, you know, I'm going to knock I'm going to turn around. I'm going to turn around. I'm going knock that." Every now and then you get a little bit upset. Whatever. I'm about to go. I'm turning and I go left. I go left. You know, I'm in the south pole. You don't know what I'm saying. He won't even see a comment, right? And I turn around and as I turn around, a little old lady. Oh, you you know the story. So, there was this little old lady. I'm like, "That's my grandma." Anyway, so uh it was my grandmother. Anyway, so I turned around and when I turned around, it's good that my face got there before my hand because I saw who it was. I saw who it was. Now, excuse me. Pardon me. In all seriousness, I don't know the politically correct terms in America anymore. I don't know them in Israel. I don't know them anywhere. So, forgive me if I say this. There was a there was a boy there and this boy was very well known in Shalim. He had a a disability. Is that right? A mental disability. And when I saw who it was and I realized what was going on, I then said, "Oh, yeah. I'm so sorry. I made a mistake. You should have a great day." And the guy looks at me goes. And he walks away. I'm like, "Okay, bye." And I turn back and I talk to my brother as if nothing happened. Now, my brother's looking at me like I just fell off the moon, but he's been doing that for years for some reason. So, like, I didn't make anything of it. And then I realized, oh, he's not. He's like, "What's just happened?" I'm like, "Oh, you don't know that guy?" He's like, "Naturally." I'm like, "Would you like me to explain?" He's like, "Naturally." I said, "Okay, that guy, he has a disability." And he walks down the streets of Shalime. And this is what he does. When he gets close to somebody, he pushes them. And when I realized who it was, I came to the realization he's not pushing me. I just happen to be standing where he pushed. Does everybody hear what I just said? And since you're not coming against me, then we're okay. But if you're coming against me, then I'm going to start walking very strangely. You understand? And hopefully you'll be scared. And if not, I'll turn around and run. Yeah. But I'll show as if I have power. Right? Understand my friends. If you don't touch the ego, you're fine. Think of another think of another scenario. Then we'll start shifting into how to overcome these ideas. This killing me on time here, but you're standing there and you get kicked in the leg. Totally. You're like, what's going on here? And this happens all the time, right? Something happens and it happened to me and I turned around and I'm about to get all upset. I turn around and nobody is there. Nobody is there. You kicked yourself. I told you the story. So I turn around. It was my grandmother kicking me again. It was out of control. We started bartering. We got a cab. Was out of Anyway, so what happens is then I go ahead and and I and I turn around and nobody was there. And this time I one time I kicked myself. This time I hadn't kicked myself. So I turn around. I'm like, "What's going on?" And I look down and I see a one-year-old kid. A one-year-old kid grabbed my leg. Okay. So what's your response? There's one of two responses. Number one is you just, you know, you like you punt, you know, say you go. No, of course not. Of course not. You use your right leg, right? That's number one. No. So, number one is you do that. Now, number two, it's like, oh, it's just a kid, right? Oh, it's just a kid. So, clearly they're not coming against me. It's only when we feel it's only when we feel like someone's coming against us. How could you come against me? my ego. You stand up to me, we've got a problem, my friends. Okay, so we understand where it comes from. Do we understand the dangers? The danger Will Robinson of what happens when a person goes ahead and they get angry? What happens when a person gets angry? It's unbelievable. We all know that the Jewish people were enslaved. Where were they enslaved? Egypt. Okay, he could have said anywhere it would have worked. But let's go with Egypt. Jewish people are enslaved in Egypt. Were there for a number of years and what ends up happening? God's like, "All right, it's time to let my people go." So what happens? He goes ahead and he's like, "All right, first we're going to have a little show here, right? Charlie went through it today for those who are there. We're going to go through all the different stuff." Okay, so we go through the plagues. All right, I want you to again, this is class participation as requested. Okay, and that's the following. The first plague, the first Makkah was okay. So I heard blood and I heard dam. Does everyone agree? Yes. Okay. Second plague. There's a lot of second plagues. Interesting. You guys got a weird sader going on. All right. So, in mind, the second one is only one. Uh, what's I need someone to tell me what's the second one. Okay. In Hebrew, tell me what is it? Who speaks Hebrew? Who speaks Hebrew? You speak Hebrew. Okay. In a flower, there's something called pollen. How do you say pollen? Yeah. Come on. I thought you spoke. All right. Anyway, so Oh. Oh, you speak. Okay. How do you say satellite dish? Yeah. Get out. All right. Anyway, come on. No one knows that. Yeah. All right. And anyway, it's a play, but that's fine. Okay. So, we have is the following. We have We just said it. No. No one's listening. Okay. So, so we have a uh the second plague was a plague. You you nailed it over there, but we're going to keep it down for a second cuz no one over here heard it. The plague was the plague of second plague second plague. English frogs. Frogs. Okay, so we have over here we have frogs. We have Are they agreeing? Yes or no? Who thinks yes? Raise your hand. Who thinks no? Raise your hand. Who's undecided? Raise your hand. One person. Okay, the rest of you. Okay, I'm gonna ask it again. Here we go. Frogsa, are they agreeing? Yes. Who thinks yes? Who thinks no? Let's try again. Who thinks yes? That whole section. Come on. Yes or no? Who thinks no? Yes or no? I don't know. What are we saying now? Right. Okay. Okay. What's the answer? Good. How do you say how do you say frogs in Hebrew? Frogs. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Not spar. All right, everybody relax. You understand? Got a little bit too much of that this weekend. a little bit too much. All right. And I have to defend Rabbi Far with everything that I can. All right. Okay. So, here we go. So, we have it's what does mean frog? Because we know what happens is that the med tells us what ends up happening is coming this summer. He didn't know what was happening. Hey guys, I'm going to play by the Nile. And then a big thing. What is that? With action. Get down. Double the action. Get down again. And we know what happens is that this massive frog came out of the Nile River. So what they do, call the weapons, the sophisticated weapons to the infantry with their sophisticated sticks. And they hit the frog and what happens? It starts to multiply. They then hit the frog again. What happens? This is complicated mathematics. But if you hit a frog and it multiplies. You hit it again, it multiplies again. What should you not do? So why didn't they stop? Now I want to ask you, what would you rather have? There's going to be a plague. Okay? It's going to be frog. You're going to have a plague, a frog. It's going to be one massive frog. But if you hit that frog, it's going to start multiplying. Would you rather have one massive frog or 45 billion little ones getting up in here? Up in here? They're going to make you lose your mind. What would you rather have? One or bilions? Neither. Right. Neither. Okay, good. This is a Jewish ber right there. The answer is obviously one. So why didn't they stop hitting the frogs? comes along the stipler and he says from here you see a deep insight into the human psyche spoke in Hebrew those human psyche he says you see that what happens when a person gets angry they will do things even if it will harm themselves and we all do this oh my gosh I can't even believe this I'm so upset about what happened ah that's your own phone I don't care right and you throw and then they smash the phone and after they smash the Hashem anyway whatever any it's just a face. We're like, "Anyway, but that was real." Okay. So, so they go ahead and they after they do that, what happens? They're like, "Ah, they pick it up the camera. It's your phone again. I don't care." They do it again. We do things even harm ourselves. We destroy our relationship. We destroy our friends. We destroy our opportunity to destroy everything when a person gets angry. So, how does a person overcome it? We're all out of time, but thank you so much for coming and I wish you a lot of in everything that you do. But for those who want to stay in here, here we go. We got the Here we go. Let's try to do this. Now there's a couple of answers to this. The number one answer really ultimately when I say number one I don't mean I don't even know what I mean by that but number one would be a answer in answer a answer would be that the more a person understands that there's hashem in the world the more a person connects with the almighty the more understands that the more they'll get the fact that there's something going on if it there's nothing random but that's very difficult I'm not saying that it shouldn't be done it absolutely should be done but in terms of practical steps that one can take to start to overcome what can be done. So, there's a number of them. We're going to start with at least one of them. I don't know if we'll be able to time for others. We'll start with at least one of them and then if we can get more, we will. We're willing to stay a little longer. Yeah, but they have that keynote thing and then I don't come back next year and then whatever. Then my kids actually love me. So, the truth is maybe I should. You know what? All right. So, here we go. So, number one comes along the Ramban. The Ramban of Moshin. Ramban, great sage 1194 to 1277. And he wrote a very famous letter that many of you are familiar with probably. It's called the letter of the Ramban. Yeah. Yes. It is very very you know you think like you need advertising. That letter has been everywhere. You know it's like what are we going to I can't think of a name. Let's call it the letter. Anyway, so they came along and the ramban and the says the following idea. We know he starts off right a letter he's writing probably became one of his last letters. A letter he wrote to his son to get close to Hashem etc. And he starts off the letter. Listen my child to the teachings of thine father. However, forsake not the teaching of thine mother. But then he gets into the letter itself and it's so powerful. It's so unbelievable what he says. You could understand this is a rishon. The ram is a rishon. We're not talking about rish means one of the early commentaries. The words of the rishon are not games. When the rishon speaks, we listen. We look at each word. We break it down. We understand what does it mean. Break it down in a way which we could really understand depth. You could read something and you can get it or you can read something and you can get it. And that that's better that second one. Right. So the question is what does Ramban say? Correct me if I'm wrong. I have in front of you have it in front of you. Please hand it to me. Stop right there. Accustom yourself always. Accustom yourself always to speak. I'm sorry. gently to every person and at all times. Now what's the Ramban saying in a very simple understanding a person could say what he's saying is straight up you know get into you know speak uh calmly in all people in all times but the Rambano what's he saying the following you got to know who how we work how do we operate human beings we work by one major factor is how we run our lives and for those who are there this afternoon for Charlie Arari he mentioned this in his class as one of the three major principles necessary In order for a person to instill something and actually have change, we live our lives based off habit. That's how we live our lives. Changing one's habit will change one's life. Our life is our habit. You change the habit, you change your life. We're creatures of habit. That's what we are. So what it says is accustom yourself always to speak gently to all people and at all times. What does it mean all people? What does it mean to accustom yourself always? What does always mean? Don't get angry. Always. Good. I don't remember where we said angry there, but always to speak all of your words. What does all of your words mean? You're catching on. All of your words. Gently to all people. What does all people? Do not say all people, everyone. Or everybody. Without exception. What does that mean? That's not doesn't help me. Give me an example. What does it mean? All people. What was that? Give me Give me one second. What was he say? Sorry. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. Okay. So, a what does it mean? It means all people. An example of that would be one's I think you said father one's mother one's mother-in-law. You know my my father-in-law was introducing someone you know me to somebody else. He goes, "Oh, this is my my my daughter's husband." You know, they're mad. Oh, yeah. What's that? I said, "He's my he's my son-in-law." And he's like, "Okay." And my phone, he's like, "And I want you to know I really I love him like a son-in-law." I was like, "Thanks. Thanks, Dad. You're out of the will. Didn't work." Anyway, so so understand my friends, your father, your mother, your sister, your brother, your friend, your relative, your teacher, your student, your mailman. Why am I saying like that? Cuz if I say everyone, then your mind you think everyone. But if I say your father and your mother, your spouse, your husband, your wife, your child, then we start to think more practically. Real real the people right here. No, not your kids. My kids. No, yours. Yes. Understand that. What? A costumeselves gently all people at all times. What will happen if you do such a thing? If you get into a habit of doing such a thing, and if a person does that, it will save them from anger, which is a terrible character trait to afflict mankind. Why is that? Because we are creatures of habit. And when a person gets into a habit of speaking calm, it usually builds on itself. It builds. Nobody. You walk into your house, you see something's broken. You go, "Oh my gosh, who did this? I'm going to find them. I'm going to kill them." Rare do you find the following? You walk in, something's broken, you say, "Oh my goodness, who did this? I'm going to find them. I'm going to kill them." There's a disconnect. There's a disconnect. Imagine if involuntarily your body made some sort of spasm every time you're about to get angry. As you're about to get angry, your body went like this. You're like, I can't even what's going and you went like this. All of a sudden, just out of nowhere, your body just went like that. And you're like, all right, you know, I feel pretty. And you're just like that. Just like that. You'd be like, what's going on here? I'm assuming that's unusual for you. If it's not, then you should speak with someone. We'll talk about it after. But a person wants so unusual. It's so different. It's so weird that you will automatically realize, hey, something's up over here. I'm not telling you how to control your anger when you are angry. I'm trying to attempt to get to a point where we cannot get angry in the first place. And if we're able to grab it before it grabs us, then what happens is a person is able to stop it before it ever occurs. And what happens is at that point of no return as it builds, if you grab it before it goes, then what happens? And you're good. If not, then unleash it and it's over. The beast is out. But a person gets so emotive and what happens next? Understand what that means? Everybody saw what happens. What? I got rid of anger and humility comes into my heart. How does that work? Because what is anger coming from? Arrogance. You get rid of that. What do you have? Humility. Yeah. Come over here. Get from behind. It's a good shot. You know what I mean? Like one of those. You're not ready. Hold on a second. Is that good? You got that because people does everybody get Do you understand? When you get when a person goes ahead and say that then it goes on. How does that work? And then comes humility. So number one number one and I guess it's going to be only be number one. going to do a recap, end with one story. But number one is when a person gets into a mode where we speak gently, we speak calmly. And if we get into that mode, what happens is it will start to overflow into other areas. And when we start to get control over ourselves, then a person builds a habit of that. And then when it starts to raise our voice, it's so unusual that we're able to catch it before it builds. There's so much more to this. Obviously, that's like everything in life. These are sound bites. But I want to do right now is just a quick recap of everything we did. We'll end off with bleeder one point which we discussed. Bleed nether means I'm lying and then uh and then you can go. I'll then ask are there any questions? No one will raise their hand. We'll look at each other awkwardly for a moment. I will say thank you. You will clap. I will leave. Okay, here we go. So we saw at the beginning what happens when goes tries to grab the bus goes out and goes and miss the bus. Then he goes then he waves and go a little bit further through the tornado come Oklahoma. I said we've been hoping like that things going how does the person where does it come from? Says the ram bomb we got two ideas. Number one is a person to stay for the oppos and arrogance. Why is it that because every time you get angry come from arrogance and besides it with the chabas page 105 105b good and the bottom page says call what does that mean? answers getting angry and saying Hashem's not involved with this or go no it's two blocks three blocks two blocks two blocks everybody's gal what happened you know what grandma back off okay you got anyway so what happens going to realize something else a person realize that I come against me then we're cool chill like a villain in Brooklyn good okay that's we go like this all right then we get a little further person overcome it what happens right we got fired him whatever and then we come the frogs stop hitting it why don't you stop hitting the frog that's what happened the person gets angry they drop their phone and who knows if it still works Okay, then we get to person overcome it. Says understand what happens. You get rid of one thing, you get the other thing. My friends, it's a one thing is connect with the other. You get rid of an arrogance. How does it work? We're creatures of habit. When a person gets like that, you start to realize something a little strange. You start to feel angry, you overcome it. All right. Okay. I don't know if I missed anything, but let me end with this one point. The one point is like this. You know, I just can't, you know, I hear what you're saying, Freriedman. Okay. I hear, but I just can't control it. I can't control. You can't control. I want to prove to you. Prove I want to prove to you that you can control it. You buy yourself. I heard the following mushel. I I it may have come from of no. I heard it from of Eric Cooper Smith. A person goes ahead and they buy themselves a brand new Lamborghini Diablo. Those are familiar. It's a car. It's like a Camry, but it's not. So, a person buys themselves a brand new Lamborghini Diablo. It's pink. All right. Whatever. Okay. It's got yellow flames. Yeah, yellow flames with a tint of red. All right. And on the odometer, it's got 0.0000 one. There's a one there. All right. This thing's brand new. You drive it off the lodge and you're like, I'm chilling, chilling, chilling, chilling, chilling in my Lambor Lamborghini. And as you come to the first red light, the stop sign, the robot, if you're from South Africa, you come to the first thing, you stop there. And as you're like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got your Lamborghini. What happened is all of a sudden someone comes and rear ends you. Someone nails you in the back of the car and you're like, "No. Oh no, they didn't." Uhhuh. No. Now before you get a time to even process what happened, they go in reverse and they do it again. You're like, "Okay, all right. Let's start. Let's start." You push the button. Door opens. Yeah. And you're about to step out. before you're out. You're not quick enough. That guy's already out of his car. He's standing next to you. He's 10 ft tall and he's carrying a saw-off shotgun. And you turn to the guy and you go, "Would you like to hit my car again, sir? I don't understand. I thought you were furious. I thought you can't control it." The answer is you can control it. The question is, what's your motivation? Any questions? as I suspected. Thank you so much. Been a pleasure to see you. Take care. Bye-bye.