Rabbi Chanan Gordon - The Key to True Happiness - Project Inspire Convention 2025

okay ladies and gentlemen once again it's a pleasure to welcome everyone to project Inspire 25 so we're going to try something a little bit different this year and that is as follows I want everyone in the room for the sake of the people watching at home all 23,812fanslike L 60 seconds to close your eyes we'll do this for 30 seconds 30 seconds for those with ADD 30 seconds I want you to close your eyes and I really genuinely want you to think of a moment in time when you were genuinely happy and you can't do this your eyes open created that your senses are accentuated if you close down some of the others I want you to close your eyes Mish do this I'm telling you I've done this at Harvard I've done this around the world It Works close your eyes for 30 seconds I want you to absolutely imagine in your mind's eye that moment when you were just genuinely happy cook okay eyes open I want you to raise your right right hand if whatever you're imagining you are with people there's other people involved in the imagin whatever okay just beautiful make sure the camera is good okay and left hand those if you're completely alone that's very interesting because they usually the Alon are very very few the findings my L my friends of the Harvard study which is the longest longevity study ever done on happiness over 85 years basically concluded as follows the things that make you most happy are not things they people the core of happiness and we're going to Define it today revolves around relationships and that's why when I've done this all over the world almost at least 90% of the people when they think of that moment of Happiness it's there's somebody around there's somebody with people so the key part of understanding happiness is relationships so by now I think it's public knowledge I don't have to be too uh self-conscious about it so I happen to represent the biggest YouTuber in the world on average this person gets about 100 to 107 million views per post now I've worked with this person for several years which means that I have literally a seat at the table with the largest focus group of gen Z that's our target audience when we were when we were going to one meeting after another and everyone wants to get into gen Z it's the Next Generation it's the future they're huge consumers if you take gen Z and Millennials together 10 years from now they're going to make a 41% of the consumer public people spending money so it's a very important cohort so I realized I'm sitting I baru put me I mean you can't possibly make this stuff out put me if you could just keep uh phones off on chabas that's but put put me in the most crazy situation so I so I said there must be a reason for it possibly the one reason is to really understand this generation so we did some research now it's very difficult when you do research on minors if you understand the law in this country a person under the age legally depend under age of 21 you really need their guardian or their parents' consent before you ask them certain questions so we have to use a certain technique using pixels I don't know if this techn Tech wizard in orience I it's Elon musia or Ser so we had to find out what is the major pain point of gen Z what's bothering this generation and it's fair to say we had a captive audience I think of one of the largest possible focus groups of people between the ages of roughly 13 to about 20 what what do you think and you'll see the connection between one the longest study ever done at Harvard said at the end of the day happiness is tied into relationships and then there's a second there's a second factor which I learned firsthand by being at the table with the biggest YouTube on planet Earth what do you guys think the number one pain point the number one point why this is by far the most anxious generation never before in the history of the United States has there been as much teenage suicide as much prescription drugs being dispensed for anxiety and depression these kids are in trouble what do you think the number one pain point is and I'll give you a clue it's got something to do with the reason why you at project Inspire okay any any ideas thoughts yes sir loneliness on the right track brilliant loneliness is on the right track think about project inspired yes ma'am disconnection also all the right ideas I'm looking for one word or a synonym of one word who said that give that man a shitel brilliant the number one pain point of a genz is nihilism no meaning and no purpose so I I wanted to really test out this thesis I spent some time with Jordan Peterson I spent some time with I think the leading people in the mental health space and I said here's the theory here's the theory the theory is kids are locked into these little screens what happens after a while they reach a point of anomy if you if you know the work of a dur com enomy means there is a breakdown in barriers there's a breakdown in value use they cannot differentiate between the virtual world and the real world when everything breaks down and people are at the same time walking around like zombies because what we know this cuz we creating the content the whole purpose is to create stickiness of eyeballs the longer you stay on an app the longer you stay on the screen the more chance I can cross- sell you and make money from you what that's doing is if you understand how these things work is it's neutralizing the frontal the cortex which deals with critical thinking so these kids are zombies one more piece recently I'm not even going to say this because you cannot even mention this name at a project and Spire uh convention but there's a very well-known music mogul who's now uh sitting uh Behind Bars who was a household name I grew up in the music business he's took down and I work in Hollywood he took down many pop culture it icons so list I want you to think what's happened here contemporaneously okay you've got these kids walking around like zombies no critical thinking and a conscious degradation of anything spiritual no meaning in their life okay relationships it shouldn't be called social media it's antisocial media it compounds loneliness and then you've got their so-called icons the people that they look up to they've fallen off the pedestal so these kids are in a in a lot of trouble I'll explain this all before the standing evation as to why you guys in this room have got a job to do because this is the space I'm in it's a generation that is there is a mental health tsunami that's going to hit this country which is going to be scary okay those of you who here last year I want to just quickly pick up from what we said why most people are not happy four major reasons that most people are not happy and I'm not going to go through it's clear that most people are not happy if you want to speak to me after about the results of the Pew report okay number one the first reason why most people are not happy is most people conflate fun and happiness they are completely a different things fun is Six Flags popcorn roller coaster vomit that's fun but when you walk down the aisle like I did about a year and a half ago to walk my beloved daughter down to get married and A Tear Wells up he's a te of fun or happiness what's the difference what's the difference between fun and happiness very good happiness connects with an AA happiness has a spiritual connection fun is ephemeral it's transient it's it's something that is here today gone tomorrow most people are focused on that I have never in my life I said this in my TED talk I've never in my life until I came to America heard the concept of have fun okay the British world doesn't talk about having fun so what is pop culture tell you the world go out and have fun the idea of something that's meaningful the idea of true happiness is lost on this generation Point number two is the preamble of the Bill of Rights talks about the the pursuit of life liberty and and the pursuit the op of word is the pursuit so on a subliminal level this entire generation thinks that Happ that happiness is something that you have to go out and seek it's not the Torah concept you don't go out and seek happiness at all happiness that how many times have I heard you know Rabbi I'll be happy if if I get into Harvard if I win the lottery if it's a very scary thing if if if e are the first are the middle two letters of the word life if you translate that into lash Kesh the middle two letters of is name you've got millions of kids waiting for if I get blue checked if this happens as opposed to the idea of there's something intrinsically good about me and happiness is not in that state or in that state it's in the state of mind which we'll explain momentarily third reason why most people are unhappy and this was the theme of my TED talk is that somehow pop culture has erroneously told the world that a happy life means a pain-free life there is nothing further from the truth if anyone walked in here ladies and gentlemen of the jury if anyone walked into project Inspire 2025 with no pain no Peck all I want you to speak to me privately cuz that's a you're in gurus the Gamora says unequivocally very clearly if you go through 30 days of your life and there's no pain it means that in a metaphysical spiritual concept it's AUM it's like taking a step back and said it's a horrible thing pain is part and parcel of what the almighty made if you look at the gamorra what's the pedagogical example that we learn about in Shas about pain it's the birth of a child nine months of gestation the pain but what do we have to show afterwards the almight is telling us that pain is not something you neutralize pain is not something you mute through substance abuse through the pain is the price that every single one of us is going to pay for greatness you're not going to be a good father you're not going to be a good husband you're not going to be a without pain I'll give you the example kazal sites parents in the audience what's the source of what of arguably one of your biggest joys in life children what's the source of one of your biggest pains in life what does that tell you so and are telling you that the things that the things that really are going to be hit the AA and not be fun but be happiness it's going to be painful it's if anyone in this room it tells me that they have never ever had a situation in their marriage where they wanted to take their Shadle and throw it at the husband at 80 M an hour you should speak to me poerty the idea that pop culture inculcates into people that a marriage is a place of happiness and Bliss and there's never one time in your whole marriage you say what was I thinking how do we know that that's true look at what the maim say about abam and Sarah that's the pedagogical lesson they were completely different personalities Shalom B doesn't mean Bliss and and every single thing that you say to your wife she says yes sweetheart shom b means in spite of different genders different cultures different backgrounds you're able to have a repository fores and the dwell with you marriage is hard raising children are hard the Western culture has has told people the exact opposite I was fortunate to go to Oxford University and then went on to Harvard Law School har business school I can tell you I learned zero wisdom zero at the IV League schools that's the Bastion of tertiary in of Education because wisdom is found in the instructions for living in inat which we're going to discuss what's the fourth reason why most people are not happy this I get all the time Rabbi you don't understand I mean they told me to come to project inspired I got to hear this Rabbi Gordon guy whatever but you understand I'm waiting I've got this relationship which is so dysfunctional and people tell me I got to I can't even I can't even focus for shabas I'm worrying about my this and that so everyone in this room ladies and gentlemen has a storm and we all have a storm in our lives and when people tell me Rabbi I'm waiting for the storm to subside and when calm down and the rainbow comes up I'm going to start living my life there's nothing further from the truth because theage brus told us very clearly we're not in this world to wait for the storm to subside we're here to dance in the rain every single one of us has a pickle every single one of us has tough times what's the real definition and part of what we're going to get into about happiness is the greatest people that we that we look up to are people with resilience with grit it's not you you have no control of what's thrown at you in this journey called life but the test is how you respond and if you look at the Matrix and the patriarx they had brutal lives on Friday night why don't I bench my daughters that you should be like Jennifer and Cindy they went to an IV League school their parents have got three houses in the wal and 17 because that's not why we here we're not here for Disneyland it's a terrible terrible thing that the Western culture and pop culture has trained most people what's called the Pleasure Principle that we have for pleasure we have to have a huge amusement park and then one thing happens in the curable happens they look Heaven bound they say what happened here so that's not the reason why we're in this world so the four reasons why people are not happy we just went through we said for those of you who came late that the Harvard study basically said it's all about relationship ships so here's what I want to do in the time that we have together I want to talk about the three most important relationships that I want you to think about it'll change your life it'll change the way you look a project inspired and without question if you focus on some of these ideas and I've done this many times it's going to hopefully jettison a lot of erroneous myths that are in your mind's eye because we live in the western culture none of us are impervious to Theus that gets poured in our heads relationship is between yourself relationship with Hashem and then relationship we talking about your significant other the most important those are the most important relationships in in your life let's talk about the relationship you have with yourself who's arguably one of the greatest Personalities in the Hall of sh most famous Paul truver started learning his 40 years old soas is known for many many many things in Chas but the the notion of love your fellow like you love yourself if people don't understand it's bated it's in two parts love your neighbor love your fellow as you love yourself what does that mean what's the inuendo what does that connote beautiful and when you flew here to hear an amazing speech and there was turbulence what does the air Stuart say where do you put the mask on yourself or your kid you have to put the mask on yourself first because if you pass out then what's Shi going to do you have to love yourself so I was very fortunate my whole life to have a very close relationship with the late Dr rabbi twerski so he wrote a book on self-esteem 87 Times by his own admission and others unbelievable understanding of the concept of self-esteem why because most people don't understand what self-esteem is the only way to build up self-esteem is to do esteemable acts it's the tape in your your head it's the selft talk that ruins you how do I know this that subliminal voice that's in your head that says you schmendrick you loser that voice in your head we're going to jettison that today I can tell you one of the occupational hazards of being involved in the Cure World speaking of many things for many years is I'm I've counseling a lot of kids a lot of young males that are going through a pornography addiction do you think that they're happy with themselves they're filled with shame they filled with busha cuz they understand on some subliminal level that I am allowing an animalistic instinct to get to supersede pureness man so that's how we know the subliminal talk what you say yourself that's going to pull down your self-esteem so whatever the the the subliminal talk is about your body image about failing about inability one of my talks is about failure there's no great person in the Torah and there's no great person for that matter in the secular world that hasn't failed people misunderstand what it says in Mish in Proverbs that a tug fall seven times he has to she has to because we are all strongest in the broken parts it's an absolute fact ladies and gentlemen that life breaks all of us to quote Ernest Hemingway we are strongest in the broken parts I want to tell you an interesting thing that I did my brother's a nuclear radiologist obviously a person who seeing tons and tons of so I asked him everything in the physical world has is used as an example for what happens in the spiritual world he told me that's 100% true the way that created like any bone if you bust the bone in a certain part the way it met the way it meets together obviously there's a certain kind of chemical the chance of breaking exactly like that is almost impossible because at that point of break you are stronger than any other part of your and that's a pedagogical lesson for all of us who started uh Alcoholics Anonymous who started sorry uh Mothers Against Drunk driving there's so many examp who started Mothers Against Drunk Driving a woman who had two children r that were killed from drunk drivers who started how do we even start hatala if you look at the founders of almost every organization it's pain it's something that was sent in their life and they used the stumbling blocks as a stepping stone that is the the idea so firstly the concept of understanding that there are 7.4 billion people in the world out of 7.4 billion people 0.02% are Jews and out of the 0.02% at best 10% understand what why we here in this world so do you understand that the people in this room the gorus is clear in Sanhedrin every one of you it's rough but you the Diamonds in the Rough and every person in this room is the people that is handing the bonu to ignite a light in a very dark World the fact that you wake up in the morning and you have been endowed with a gift that is the most sanran gift that the almighty can give to anyone sh it's not St you could have been you could have been Joe Smith in Cleveland a farmer but you a y do you understand the spiritual DNA of a yish sh you intrinsically have value so firstly the concept of your relationship with yourself but I want to take that to I want to try and give you some tools what what do I I get this often Rabbi what do I do I'm so hardwired with my parents my so and so who stuck in my head I'm a nothing I'm a I'm a why can't you be like your sister I've heard so it's very hard to do this because this is usually a full work full day workshop that I do called the cognitive triangle I want to just teach you the basic tools of a cognitive triangle the cognitive triangle works as follows there's three components thought thoughts trigger emotion and emotion will trigger your behavior okay thought emotion Behavior it's so so much so that I can tell just by the intonation and the way a person speaks whether they are harboring certain negative thoughts in their mind it changes your physiology so if the thought on the in the Domino Theory if the thought is the first trigger and if you think something negative if you're renting space in your head by by that voice that says you're Shri or by something that is that you're fearing something it's going to mean that for a project inspire you pay $27,000 for every piece of ice and you're going to be oce mench and you're going to walk around so what out of the three what should we focus on because it starts the chain of events your thoughts so we're going to block the thoughts so I'm going to tell you some rules for for the rest of your life whenever you find yourself with that voice or thinking something negative you cannot engage in that discussion there's a there's a contr about the seven tricks of the yahor one of the most important tricks of the yahor is he's going to start planting seeds in your mind because this project inspired it's calic you can have a g he wants to share that so just before we come to shabas he's going to start planting seeds oh if you start engaging in that voice and say and start arguing so to speak with this proverbial you know fictitious you finished you never engage with the Y hor you com you supersede that with something positive that's why I started this this discussion today by saying think in your mind's eye for 30 seconds of an image of something when you're really happy keep that image whenever that negative thing superseded you can't engaging it he's got you then okay you have to supersede it and we'll go into some ways on on how you can do it how do I know I'm right because what is the thought is and are the same G same o is what is the trigger of sim that's why with the notion of if you think you can or if you think you can't you're right you know we we represent a lot of professional athletes I think I told the story last year there's an Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps who you might have heard of the most decorated Olympic athlete of all time if you watch Michael Phelps when he was in his prime what used to do was he used to have a headset he used to walk up to the diving board and he used to close his eyes for a few seconds and boom he was off so obviously he's listening to lectures by Rabbi Gordon then he walks on to the so he asked him what is it what's that he said in his Mind's Eye there's two things he's got a positive mantra which I can teach you some of the most effective positive mantras and then in his Mind's Eye he sees himself hitting his hand hitting the wall hitting the wall a few seconds before anyone else it has a real physiological reality it's part of the way created us that's why the alter R said good good it's it's here so much is here so the idea of having self-esteem and loving others you first got to love yourself and just know that every single person in this room is so beloved by Kadesh he loves you if Hashem had a freid your picture would be on it okay this room or handpicked okay next what's the difference between loving yourself and being obsessed with yourself so here has a beautiful thing several years ago a person sent a letter into the previous laaba rber I'll give you the exact exact letter quote I need the rubber's help I am deeply depressed I pray and find no Comfort I perform the commands but feel nothing I find it hard to carry on the rer said did something brilliant all he did was he replied and he ringed the first word in every single sentence every single sentence starts with I so by definition if you preoccupied with yourself that's the first ticket to depression the first ticket to depression that's why Victor Frankle said that the door to happiness opens outwards if you are I know so many people who are scanning all the time emotionally scanning is this thing is that okay the more you can let go let God to use the vernacular of the so-called big book um the more that you can be in motion because emotions come from motion the more that you will not get stuck in this perseveration that's depression okay so that's the person don't talking about yourself let's talk about the most important relationship you're ever going to have in your life so I'm giving a whole thing on on on marriage so I'm going to only give two points that I want you to take for the rest of your life about marriage hold on to your shle because I can tell you right now this is not what you're going to hear in the western world but this is Ms to and most people don't really think that this is not true you cannot change your spouse you can sit you tell you you cannot change your spouse if nothing else you can go home now project Inspire chain she here the most if if I after I don't know hundreds of counseling couples when I have a you gave you the exact to be M and that's a Tien you trying to Hash you're wrong the whole purpose of marriage is is for you to grow and for you to refine your me obviously you're not going to get a clone of yourself you can never ever change your spouse however if you change yourself the way created the is is is that you will mirror unless a person is a psychopath or is a pathological Mak and we can talk about that if you do what you're supposed to do to your wife or husband they will reciprocate that's the way Kish wi but don't you dare try and change them because what you do if you try and change them is the three C's kick in which you should absolutely get out of your Lexicon in marriage what are the three C's criticism there is absolutely no upside in life is tough if your husband or wife comes home and they get a mus M for 40 minutes it's doesn't certain it certainly doesn't create the environment of a safe haven right CR criticism is out number two don't compare how many times I'm in the middle of a marriage counseling session and I hear but why aren't you like Ro who are dated I feel like taking my are you out of your mind don't you ever ever mention another person to your significant other said it very clearly once you Sayes you have to assume that's your Bash that's it I have in my life young people within about seven or eight months of marriage maybe this just an LA thing I would say 50% of the time I get the call Rabbi I have to speaked your Alan I know exactly what's coming I I meet them at Starbucks and I I I I've got the script so Rabbi I married the wrong person I'm telling you 50% of the time there's a lot of people why did they say you we married the wrong person because here has another guarantee I'll give you I guarantee you anyone who single here you will not marry the person you think you're going to marry that that is part of the plan that aish because this is the antichamber this is a spiritual gym you're supposed to work on yourself and if if you think you're supposed to marry Christy Brinkley with a shael on and you let who firstly who you think you are and secondly knows you better than yourself he knows that in 16 years from now you're going to have a child every single trait and quality of your spouse is perfectly choreographed for your the Sha the reason why we do this is that the Western world has brought into this the idea of preconceived ideas is very dangerous it's preconceived ideas about marriage it's also preconceived ideas about life I've been doing this for a long time I don't know how many times a person comes to the podium afterwards and and says Rabbi I I mean this wasn't supposed to happen in my life I I mean I didn't order this child I I didn't I didn't work on this idea of a business going B rupt I don't know I guarantee you that there are moments in your life we are going to proverbially look heavenbound and say this wasn't supposed to happen you're supposed to learn two lessons from that emotion number one we not in controles runs the world he runs your life and number two get out of your head get out of your head for the rest of your life asking the question why we were trained in many years Yeshiva and TR don't answer the question about the Holocaust don't because firstly it's extremely insensitive and secondly told us he told MH very clearly while you're in this world trapped in this thing called a goof you're not going how can a mortal understand an immortal how can a being trapped inside time understand so you don't say Lama you use the same atmology you say Lamar to what end now that this has happened to what end what is the reaction that I'm supposed to that I'm supposed to do what am I supposed to learn from this he loves me he adores me when you wake up in the morning people focus on mod focus on the last two words the last two words R I have faith in you saying I have faith in you the way the the the world works is if your mission is not complete you don't leave this world I don't understand what happened but Gan Hackman had to leave this world people have to leave the world from our point of view it's how many times do I see people being and it's very very hard and people don't know what to say when people say so how did that happen they mean well it's irrelevant at the exact same time I remember I had I was part of the vi with um ra Solomon Z at in Lakewood so I asked him a question I said let's take 911 the plane is heading towards the World Trade Center am I correct in say from the Torah Hasa that every single person who was meant to be in the building that day was in that day he said 100% I'll tell you a true story some of you might have read the book I know this cuz he's a South African there's a South African guy who started a Yeshiva in Israel for very very uh handicapped children how why once again because rahmanan he's he had the Nan of very handicapped children he started teaching them and they absolutely blossomed and gim said you got to teach this to other people the Israeli government gave him a a building and they said here's the condition they gave him a date which happened to be 3 days after 9911 and they said you need to give us a half a million dollars and it's yours this guy's never raised money in his life he can't negotiate out of a paper bag and he's he comes to America he's told and you might put the thoughts together that there's two Southern Africans in the World Trade Center that were options Traders and they made a Fortune of money said L listen you're a South African that is South African I'm giveing it a shot the day before 9/11 I I know this firsthand he the certain Rabbi who needed a half a million dollars went to uh to made an appointment with them got to the 77th floor and he said this is going to sound bizarre I've never raised money before in my life I have a number of handicapped children and and I've been told that it's a good thing to open a Yeshiva the government's given me a requisition for a pot of land a beautiful building I need a half a million dollars within 48 48 hours so Warren one of them said hold on one sec Rabbi two guys Warren and Russell went to the back they came out and said I'm in for 250 he's in for 250 but you know the problem is um the our controll is not here can you come tomorrow meaning 911 and pick up the check he arrived in the lobby we had seven or eight floors there at Morgan Stanley so I know the building well he arrived the lobby of uh at 911 at the W Trade Center now the 78th floor it wasn't so you know that's when the the plane hit straight at those three floors he called up to Warren and Russell you know I'm back here you know to pick up the checks and uh they said rabby it's not bovic that you should come we're going to come down and see you they went down the elevator and the plane hit talk about SED is saving your life nothing nothing by coincidence okay we spoke about yourself we spoke about your spouse how about now the most important relationship and that's your relationship with Hashem in it says the SIM everyone focuses on the Sim if means it work happiness is work you want to have a good marriage you want to be a good parent it takes work there is the idea of leuma the idea of putting in the effort the Hashem did that for a reason we work with clients that that are worth billions of dollars the one of the highest forms of delinquents are children of multi-billionaires that get a trust fund for $100 million he has the keys he has the GT what do you think they feel about themselves what what would happen if there was a graduation at Harvard Medical School and two guys Gary and Larry were graduating from Harvard Medical School and the next door neighbor Sam sees them with cap and G and says this when you guys we going we got this is the big day it's it's c cap jacket this is me Sam why did you come with us it's kmak Cambridge blue skies it's wonderful you'll see all the spit stuff at Harvard so Sam slips along and they going through the graduation and suddenly they at they at a point where they up to the G's Sam Goldberg and they say and the next candidate is Sam Goldberg and he looks at this nuts he just was the next to neighbor and everyone's pushing him and he ascends up the the the stairs he goes to the dean he gets do you how does he feel at that moment absolutely like a clown what's the idea of something for nothing is one of the reasons why tonight on Friday night we never hand people a piece of bread ever why no one wants a hand out no one wants bread of Shame if you see what it is it's the custom which is which is now evolved in T is that people will cut the bread and they'll leave it on the table or they'll put on a plate but they will never hand you a piece of bread that's the reason to take away a piece a person's dignity that's the reason my friend friend when you bringing up your children the one of the best ways that you can instruct your child is say shoi that's below you that's beneath you in his Mind's Eye he will always think my parents thought of me at at this level this is a deviation from that level but he won't hear schmendrick you nothing before my kids got married there's still a few to go I went to one of the biggest people in this generation and I said before my son my my my daughter walks down the aisle I want to whisper something in their ear they'll remember for the rest of their life this is the thing that my TTI told me before what can I say that'll have a profound effect for the rest of their life everyone says I love you it's very interesting so someone who everyone in this room would without question respect in terms of their Torah sagacity but they also understand of human nature saidan whisper in your son's ear or your Lord is ear I believe in you what happened when ysep was about to commit the the crime the the the violation with as Pia what is the image he saw his father if you if you know that your parents believe in you of course they love you but the idea that I I not how can I face my parents again I am so uh every year I participate in a Thing Called rabbis can run to raise money for Alami so one of the people behind is Le kman Rabbi kman so I was spoken to Rabbi K about this a lot he has a son that went through a very very hard time this son he nicknamed the son during his for mons of years whatever five or six years old kadosh he grew up in terms of being kadosh kadosh I think he was about 13 or 14 years old came for I think it was a A gapo or camp in a and he was dying to go to the restroom he was his bladder was he was dying so he said to the bus driver this is crazy I please can you just the next stop I have to go to the restroom the bus driver kept kept driving he said this is the only place I can think of he drove his car the bus to the side of the road where there wasn't exactly babra wasn't exactly uh UN in the area it was a disco B and he had to go to the restroom and he stood by he said I can't go in I'm kados I'm kadosh how can I go in here you have no idea the power of semantics you've got no idea how powerful it is to know that your parents so I don't want to be too out of line the person who I mentioned before very big YouTuber is now engaged to a South African woman you you literally cannot make this stuff up so I got a call uh from him and he said how do I deal with a certain problem I said I think you should do XYZ you know I'm friendly with Ben Shapiro let me get on the phone Ben agreed with me and said let's get on a plane and we'll go speak to Ben cuz he handled this very well we're on a plane we go we go sit down with Ben and other people in Daily wire and then she said to me Mrs big schwitzer said can I ask you a question as a rabbi so she obviously Googled I don't know what she did it's crazy this is a gentile South African afriana okay I'm now giving hraa to this is insane supp putting feel on steroids she said to me and this is amazing she said what do I do I'm about to marry this guy she's the last gold digger she she didn't even know he was when they first met she said I'm a very religious Christian and I know this for a fact I'm very involved in spirituality D he's struggling with his spirituality which I also know so I said hasem just put the put the words in my mouth this is crazy and I said and I just straight from hasem I said and this is true I see it all the time I said as a general rule people who have a dysfunctional relationship with their father have a tough relationship with their father in Heaven and this person has a horrific relationship with his father because that's the first example of a paternal kind of figure if that's not a warm protecting thing it's very difficult to think of your father in Heaven as as anything but that okay so we said the relationship with Hashem the number one thing that is causing a tsunami in the mental health world is people have no meaning they have no idea are we in this world it's another discussion in and of itself but it's a conscious decision to take God out of the equation it's a it's very very it started with my former classmate at Harvard Law School Barack Obama it started with him but as a conscious thing right to take religion out and it's all the psychology of this and this is not the time and place is the idea of you have to be only on the government and the government's going to protect me so if you take religion out there's only one way that's seen as this benevolent hand it's a very subtle thing but most of these people don't have a meaning they don't know why they're in this world do you know how many times I've stopped people and say let me understand so after after you in this brown this wooden box and you're eaten by worms is that that's it they won't let themselves think okay so the wayes created the world as the rambam talks about it's in many farum is that there is no way that a person can possibly have a healthy life without the understanding of a meaning and why we're in this world it's absolutely impossible we all know the story of The Prisoner was put in prison for 20 years and the warden said here's what I want you to do I want you to turn this handle and this handle is connected to a a host pip which is connected to a certain well at the bottom and while you're doing this the well is turning and it's purifying the water and we sell this bottle water by the millions in to kids in Africa you have no idea what you're doing every single day this guy was cranking this little handle and the last day of his 22 years uh the prisoner said to the W you know I've been cranking this thing for 22 years can I just have maybe one of the bottles can and the warden said to him what are you talking about I was completely kidding there's nothing on the other side and he dropped dead the idea that there's no rhyme that there's no reason that's one of the reasons why Hesh Bahu created for enough people in the world an nde and near-death experience I'm not going to get into too much now a near-death experience a classic nde and it's if you look at the work of Ian Stevenson or Raymond Moody if you want to really get into this your your nsha levitates out of your own body Flatline okay the EKG is flat and you can see everything so if you really want to get into this one of the most famous cases which I I've met people in the family so I know this to be true was a woman who was blind flatlined meaning clinically dead she looked down she saw the doctor she heard the doctor say oh my gosh when she came back she described the color of each of what the doctors were wearing she she was blind the a sha doesn't have faculties like we do right the idea of an nde I'll tell you a personal story about myself which is not I didn't levitate I wasn't uh but between graduating and commencement at Harvard it's about 6 or seven weeks between finishing and then the hat and gown or whatever M they give you so in that period I think I don't know why Hashim does everything but I think Hashem said this Gordon Guy this is no we got to knock him into shape so I was mis diagnosed with cancer I was single my whole family is in South Africa zero support system so the call that I fielded which is the worst bedside Mana I've ever heard in my life where where the person says is this so and so so obviously I thought the IRS I lied but then I realized as was a doctor I said yes and they said we think you have a y not exactly the phone call you want to field so for 23 days I I was in my head contemplating meeting my maker it's absolutely real so there my kids know this and my I mean my friends everyone knows I had such Clarity it's so clear when you put in a situation when you're absolutely preparing to leave this world there is the the the perspective and the sharpness is unbelievable my kids like scratch their car and everything it's a joke I mean like it's a piece of tin I don't get to say but I understand at least some somewhat of the idea of there's a rhyme and a reason we all know the very final destination no one in this room is going to get around the kadisha but people in this room that understand that the Torah is not an Antiquated old-fashioned story about two zebras going up it's the instruction for Life what that means is the Western world says you live and learn it's the most absurd thing in the Torah world will say you learn and you got to live using the GPS uh analogy what does it mean you just recalculate a lot less you don't have to go through 47 marriages to figure out what the marriag is the idea is it's all there it's all there from psychology how you dealing with how do you overcome adverse it's all there unfortunately the American Boy stops at the age of 13 and a girl 12 and even then they think that it's Bible it's all they don't they think it's Charlton hon ascended up a mountain with sandals it's the most insightful understanding of why we're in this world so I I want to summarize where we where where we are we started off by saying I think the topic was if you take the Harvard study um why are most people not happy so I started by pointing out there's four reasons why generally people are not happy they conflate fun and happiness fun is in the body happiness in the nsh number two people say if if this happens if that happens which means that they're going through life with a handbreak up I said that if is the middle two letters of the word life if you have the middle two letters of the if you have a relationship with you're never alone I then said that people think that a happy life means a pain-free life there's nothing further from the truth I pointed out if you go through 30 days without pain it's very clear in the gamor that it's not a good sign the rambam says the biggest most painful thing indifference if Hashem just what DAV H cracks whatever you that's the big the most painful thing and people don't understand that Hashem is absolutely 100% has complete control over what's going to happen in your life and finally I said we're not in this world to wait for the storm to subside it's an obstacle illusion where he has to dance in the rain which means every single person in this room every single person in this room has got something they could talk about or worry about there is no such a thing as a quote unquote a perfect marriage whoever I live in Hollywood I deal with the biggest stars in the world get that out of your head we marriage is a petri dish it's a it's a repository for growth obviously they going to be challenges you love your kids more than any being in the world love is not an emotion it's a byproduct of giving the more you give the more you love and that's why say as a general rule parents will always love a child more than the child Lov the parents it's from giving it's from giving I then went on to talk about that the Harvard study in one sentence said that that the things that make you most happy most you makes you the most happy or not things that people it's about relationships that's one of the reasons why you're dealing with the most depressed generation of ever why because they lonely they are social media is antisocial media they don't have relationships and their their whole life is about do you think that that was good LOL or you come to SCH JFK no just for kidish that's not a that's not a relationship they have no social that whole social skills is gone which has made the amount of social anxiety is off the charts they haven't flexed that muscle we then talk about the idea of okay if it's about relationships if that makes you happy there's two things you got a relationship with yourself we spoke about self-esteem we spoke about the fact that you got to you got to draw the line be uh before you're obsess about yourself because that'll cause perseveration and depression we said the most important person in your life is your spouse we said two things number one that don't try and change your spouse and the biggest gift the biggest gift you can ever ever give your children there's no bigger gift that you can give your children than Shalom B we then spoke about the relationship between yourself Andes and the fact that every person in this room is a tiny fraction of the world population that understands we understand that there's vicissitudes we understand that there's pain in this world but we understand that there's benevolent altruistic God who loves you more than you can even fathom that is mapping this out for your good and if you don't understand in this world we definitely will when this ptia just means a separation between the body and the Soul so I will say the following and then I'll take questions and we um and that is it's an amazing vantage point that hasem put me in it's crazy I mean we represent some of the the most iconic names on planet Earth athletes celebrities I wish happiness on everyone but I can tell you I know these people very well they dysfunctional people biolog they miserable again I'm not wishing this on people I left the practice of law one of the reasons that drove me out of the practice of law is my very first case as a lawyer I I didn't know what was flying I had even put my degree on the wall my very first case was representing Janet Jackson So Janet wanted to do an African American version of a star he's born as a movie I found myself speaking to Janet Janet's brother's lawyer so Janet is a brother you guys wouldn't know Michael Jackson probably not right so Michael Jackson's lawyer was John braner I became friend with John braner John said to me one day come to the house one Sunday I said John I'm kosher what what ippy he said just come just hang out this is in the '90s everyone who was in anyone was in that room Michael Prince everyone I think I've told a few people before I don't think in my life Under One Roof I've ever ever met so many unhappy dysfunctional people after 20 minutes and I'm not believe me I I I I'm I've seen a lot in my life and I'm I'm very unjudged it was so palatable and I'll give you one more story last circus I don't know why this always happens to me I went out for dinner with Bill Gates a lot of shers suus you know I just had a certain kind of food the cameras are rolling I don't lie I there's no reason for me to lie the guy sitting on $13.2 billion I mean for this crowd it's not real money but you know most countries GDP is not even close to that this guy is a zillionaire there is unequivocally no question in my no question I had dinner with one of the most miserable sad depressed I've ever met and I think what triggered it was he saw me I'm I there's no Bush I get these these food grew up to me and it's all rappers and I I'm very proud he started telling me of had s Kar that he blew up his marriage he said one thing after another it's very clear if you in the people's business you can recognize the fact that he wasn't skipping and doing some assaults so it's very clear that it's not going to come from wealth it's not going to come from coover is at the end of the day it's going to come from your relationships it's going to come from at the if you have to take one piece with you is you should remember the following arini was speaking to Kadesh right the first Patriot was speaking to the Almighty what happened was three MIM came to the tent what didini do in the middle of the conversation with Hashem he said hold on just one second I'll be right back and he went to be the to say to the so what is that teaching us there's one thing ladies and gentlemen that's even more important than speaking to God and that's being like God and so I I guarantee you and guarantee is a very very powerful word if you focus on other people if you focus on trying to make other people's lives a little happier and a little healthier you'll find that the energy gets the energy that you've been preoccupied with yourself will dissipate if you understand that it's absolutely impossible to have gratitude and and be depressed so here's the exercise before the standing ofation I want you all from now until Pim not too far from now until Pim okay here's and I can I'm guaranteeing this live on touring time okay in front of 3.2 billion people from now till P all I want you to do and if you can't afford you a journal I will pay for a journal all I want you to do is wake up every single day and I want you to write two things that you're grateful for two things that you're grateful for in terms of your life okay so I want you to do this from now until pu okay then then I want you to you can quote my name I want you to say to your spouse if they're not here or say to them when you leave after the um the crowds Rush the stage I want you to do the following from now to Pim also not a long time okay from now to Pim I want you to do one thing that you love about your spouse every day okay I guarantee you and I've done this a lot when Pim comes and Pim is supposed to be one of the happiest of the year you will dance you'll do su assaults because what you're doing is you're re acclimating your mind side to understand that gr how much we how much we've got to thank the almighty for and secondly the neuro the old patterns of thinkings of what you're missing you're going to recalibrate that into things that you're grateful for and things that you love about your spouse don't it it's this done do this without even thinking if any of you comes AUM and it doesn't work call me Sue me do whatever you want that's how this is kazal speaking this is not me so I wish for every single person a wonderful project inspire a wonderful shist have a happy healthy and gunal life Welcome to project inspired