David Lieberman The Project Inspire Convention 2021

hello everyone this is dr david lieberman i hope you're well as you can see we're recording here from something that is uh not exactly the official looking uh place that the other uh recordings are from and that is because unfortunately i have coveted hashem i believe i'm on the mend um but as to not to infect anyone or to put anyone else at risk um i'm going to be recording this here myself and also i give that disclaimer because i'm a little out of it i'm on four different medications and three of them say may cause confusion i don't know what the other two say if you did the math that was kind of funny um but so we're going to do our best to get through this because i wanted to do this for project inspire because what they do what they accomplish what they're doing with this campaign is just extraordinary i'll apologize again not only for uh the coughing but also for sipping while i speak i think my wife put a tea bag in my vodka but okay and by the way and if those of you that know some of my talks you might feel that this is no different all right so we're speaking about positive parenting and psychological strategies that we can excuse me this is going to be fun psychological strategies that we can use in a relationship with our children and sometimes you're gonna see a small thing can make a very big difference number one is this you know i'm gonna speak a little more slowly and and uh try and keep the coughing at bay always hear your child out you know it's very easy for us to have the reflex when your child comes to you and says hey can i do x y z and you're thinking to yourself there's no way no how in a million years you're going to want your child to do that but one of the most important things to remember is that even when you have to say no to your child you don't injure the relationship as long as you keep the connection what that means is is that sometimes parents think that you know i'm gonna have to say no to my son or my daughter and in doing so they're gonna be a little bit upset with me this and that you can actually enforce the relationship and reinforce the bond if you do it properly meaning that it's not about what you say it's about allowing your child to express how they feel to make sure that they feel heard if in fact you short-circuit them and they don't you don't allow them to express themselves when you when you say no they have no idea of uh of the there's no way that they can know that you understand their pain so if you're able to hear them out and you're able to empathize with them and validate and let them know that wow i get why this is important to you and when you reach that critical point they're going to know that the only reason you have to say no is if you have to and that's again if you have to say no but you'll find something interesting happens and hearing out your child you know you might just hear it maybe there's some sense maybe there's some room for compromise and so on but the fastest way to injure a relationship with anybody is to short-circuit their um ability to be able to express themselves and to emote and to uh to talk about what's on their mind or how they feel what is that they want and you know it's a saying that a child that can't express themselves to their mother can express themselves to an other um and they say mother meaning to a parent so a child that grows up that you know that it feels unable to talk about how they feel uh will often grow up feeling that they don't trust themselves you know one of the most not one of the most an injurious thing that a parent can say and i heard it growing up and i don't think it affected me too badly but everyone did is you know people would say you know what you know don't be so sensitive or you can't be hungry or you can't you don't have to go to the bathroom right you know how many times you know your kids just get into the car uh two minutes later you can't possibly have to go to the bathroom yes maybe it's a ploy because they want to stop or it's before supper before bedtime and they said they're hungry you can't possibly be hungry but you know imagine if this were you and you know you you told your spouse that you know you were hungry and he or she said you can't possibly be hungry now okay maybe you could roll with it but as a small child if they're told enough times that how they feel isn't true they're being too sensitive they're they're they're making a big deal out of nothing uh they don't really have to go to the bathroom they're not really hungry they're not really whatever it is they learn that they can't trust themselves so from an emotional standpoint it's very very important to allow the child to express themselves from a relationship standpoint it's critical in terms that allows that child to be able to know that you understand where they're coming from and then again if you can accommodate them great if not fine but once again what's valuable is that they know that they feel heard okay any questions okay next excuse me don't wait for a child to do something wrong before you let them know that this is something that is not acceptable now i know it sounds counterintuitive because at what point you're going to criticize or rebuke a child for doing something they're not doing anything wrong you know you know they're sitting there you know minding their own business you smack them on the head and say what are you doing wrong um it's not about that it's you know if you want to work on a child with a particular uh a trait a meter um a characteristic i know it's a three words for the same thing um then excuse me this is for project inspire because i love you guys chamomile and vodka um whatever it is you're working on with the child whatever it is you want to uh accentuate and and to bring out in the child you want to call them out when they're getting it right one of the biggest mistakes parents make is to point out when a child is doing something wrong when they're doing it wrong for example you know uh little yosef has his hand in the cookie jar and you say yosef what are you doing taking a cookie you didn't ask mommy daddy for permission or you said you weren't going to take one or your flesh whatever it is the child is sitting there just feeling annoyed but really fundamentally three very critical things happen and by the way we talk about this whole thing as a parenting series i haven't taught any time which i encourage you to check out as well but the three things happen when you criticize a child in the middle of when they're doing something negative okay um number one this is true for anybody it's not not not just for for a child number one is they're angry at you right you're making them feel bad number two is they become angry at themselves they feel guilty or shamed depending on the level of emotional uh solvency and they begin to feel less good about themselves but thirdly most injuriously is that they become they begin to rationalize all the reasons for why it is that they're doing what they're doing and they begin to justify it they begin to rationalize it they begin to explain it away and it reinforces their desire to actually repeat it because what they're thinking in their head is wow just wait till i get another chance to do blah blah blah that's not how you move people forward from a psychological perspective with our children one of the best things you can do is to to to give over whatever muscle lesson it is when the child is doing it right and even if he's not doing it right as long as he's not doing it wrong let's say you have a child who is constantly biting or hitting and if it's an older child hopefully that's not an older child but it's an older child but let's say is uh making fun of uh of an in-law or a sibling or that whatever it is at any age whenever the child is doing it others rather they're they're not engaging that behavior and there's a chance that they could have okay you know the little boy walked by the cookie jar and it was you know young kipper so didn't eat it fine it was already hungry it wasn't hungry anymore or the older person didn't hear so whatever it is you say i just that's when you say i just want to sit i want to let you know i'm so proud of you not in a while look who finally stepped up not like that but generally wow that was magnificent and then you go ahead and just illuminate what you saw i saw that you had a chance to do x y z hit your sister or make fun and so and so and you chose not to do that that's extraordinary that really shows incredible now bring out the media uh uh patience uh empathy uh talking whatever it is you want to accentuate you connect with what it is that you observed and we all have a desire to live up to a self image to how other people see us particularly our parents you know um you know someone can can say to you say wow uh you know you're such an amazing uh homemaker you're such an amazing you're so organized or you're so punctual whatever it is that person says to you it's amazing that we feel even as adults a a in a drive to live up to that self-concept and to act in accordance with it so if somebody calls us out as being somebody who is uh always um you know on time for example we're gonna make it a point to make sure that when we see that person we're on time or they come to our home and it just happens to be one of those days when it looks right and they say wow it's amazing how you're able to keep such a beautiful home even with all the kids around when that person comes home you're gonna tidy up a little extra more the reason why we bring this out is because by children it's doubly so because their entire interface with how they see themselves is based on how other people see them so it is critically important not to label to call your child by a name that connotes anything other than amazingness um you know i mean i have plenty of nicknames for my kids superstar masterpiece um you know just positive names that evoke whatever it is that you want to bring out in the child but when you call a child to say something like wow it doesn't have to be a name but just a moniker you know a declaration of you know that's oh there's there's my guy who never smiles but there's my my daughter who's who we call the sleeper she sleeps in bed all day cute funny okay it's not it's not the child will live up to that expectation because that is how they perceive themselves that is how they see how you see them and because children are egocentric they see themselves how you see them and they're going to live in accordance with that self-image so you label a child as ah you know you never do such and such you always do this blah blah blah i i'm telling you it has got to be one of the most injurious things you can do again we all grew up with this to some degree this generation but you know this is a new generation we have to go easier on them so do what you can to mitigate that all right um regarding language excuse me i apologize again and i'm by the way you have to be careful with those oximeters you know the oxygen rating things i put it on my finger the other day and it was you know 74 which is really not good but it was a low battery which is better than you know me being 74. um okay so language is important uh so what you call the child and also um in two other areas and number one is and again you know these are psychological subtleties there are things that can make such a profound difference um in in our child's health and certainly in our relationship with our child and certainly it comes in handy in all our relationships and and most definitely with ourselves as well um how the child hears you use use language and how you use language with your child for example parents will sometimes sometimes say to their child um uh i'm just choosing to make sure that we're everything is okay um say that child um wow you must be overwhelmed or uh this must be uh you know too much for you something like that all you're doing is inviting that child to consider the possibility that hashem is given the more they can handle that's not a message you want to give your child or to yourself and certainly when i speak to people individually and they say i'm just overwhelmed i encourage them to um to uh to rethink this there's a better word for it which i would have gotten last week to um ah anyway i i i encourage you um to i train wreck in uh in real time um to reframe it that's the word to reframe it and and to look at it differently because how you use language affects the brain for example when you say i feel overwhelmed your brain doesn't know that you know you just have the phone ringing and there's an omelette and that may be burning and you know somebody needs a diaper change what the brain hears is overload uh trauma tragedy too much something's going on shut down that's what it hears uh so you know when you tell a child you know are you overwhelmed and they listen to me yes no there's no reason to lead with that better to reframe it and say okay fine uh you feeling how are you feeling this and that okay it seems like you have a lot on your plate right now what makes the most sense to be able to organize with the structure to go through it how can we move through everything in the way that makes the most sense in much the same way that when you've got a lot of stress there's a lot of things going on you want to make sure that how you speak to yourself just a handy tip um uh is in a way that allows you to process what you're experiencing in the most calm way and the language is important so when you say to yourself or you speak out if your kids are around i'm overwhelmed i can't do this and so much going on you know you're really not moving into solution mode with that better to say take a breath smile let your children see that it's okay to just stop for a second reassess and ask yourself okay what is the most important thing i have to do right now and go ahead and move forward and do that but the the language that we use is important because let me give you an example let's say you walk outside and it's you know it's raining or it's snowing not snowing it doesn't fit the example it's just raining and how many people walk outside and say ah it's miserable or ah what an awful day now what you believe you're saying is that it's miserable weather it's an awful day for doing something other than i guess getting wet what your brain hears is it's an awful day it's a miserable day and when your brain hears with your children here as well my kids will tell you that we walk out no matter what the weather is it if it's freezing freezing you know a joke is it's a little bit nippy um but otherwise wow an amazing day no matter what amazing day and the weather happens to be a little schwa happens to be a little rainy a little overcast but it's an amazing day you know it's interesting something called seasonal affective disorder some of you may be all too familiar with it excuse me and seasonal affective disorder sad for short happens when i mean there's a number of factors but basically it's the the the body does not produce enough vitamin d which uh it gets some sunlight and um and low vitamin ds can lead to uh an effective disorder effective is another word for mood so seasonal effective order meaning the seasons affect our mood and we become a little bit blue a little bit down and there's a lot of range of different treatments for by the way the the easiest is is vitamin d so you know i encourage you take a look at that vitamin d3 um but what's interesting though is that just in parallel with the fact that you have seasonal effective disorder um when people are not out a lot and getting a lot of sunlight in the winter months that's also when the weather happens to be the most gloomy and we're also more likely to use language that you know gives ourselves a message that things are lousy things are not looking good they're overcast they're yucky and so on so once again the language is very important okay next um some lessons to take some from video games see how we're doing on time i think we're good let video games interesting why do kids like video games i was reading an article on violence and video games by the way which is you know it's becoming a big problem but video games um have a couple interesting components one is they move fast but what happens is even when you get shot and killed uh you hit the reset button you come back to life now you don't come back to life after half an hour right away what we can learn from this is that when your child does something at any age like once again even your spouse there's so many overlaps here even i can just even ourselves when we do something you know it's not quite right you don't have to with ourselves you don't have to walk around with that you know gloom of of of p self-pity and guilt and shame and with somebody else you don't have to stomp around and you know show that you're still resentful and you're still holding on to it be smart uh aside from the fact it's electrically uh mandated that once the person uh does proper trueva or we've accepted whatever the age and relationship is that we let it go um you know you show your child that it is okay to be human to make a mistake and to move forward um but when the you know the child does something and they're they're sorry and then you accept it this and that and they want to talk to i'm still i still that's not it that's you they won't you need to do an instant reset like the video game how many kids would continue playing a video game if after they got shot and killed uh it took another 20 minutes to play again they wouldn't they've gone to something else so no matter what your child did as long as it's you know no there's no no one got shot and killed let them just hit the restart button okay fine doesn't mean that they don't apologize don't take responsibility if we have time to get into how to do all that but it does mean that there's no lingering resentment which is very very important because it shows your child that that you're okay with the fact that they're not always going to be okay you know and this leads to something which is so so important and so often misunderstood excuse me your child cannot feel as if they have control over your emotions parents will sometimes say you know my my you make me angry or you know you make me upset you make me so happy even it's not that we don't want to let our children know that their behaviors consequences but they really have to see you as impervious to being um emotionally knocked off your your your your equilibrium so when i say happiness maybe that's not the best example certainly it's it's great just to let a child know that wow this is really exciting this is you know i'm very proud uh and so on but the the the the fact that they would feel that they have control over your emotional space is very um unsettling to them emotionally because they need to see that you as the parent as being a rock now this is counterintuitive to some people or or it's often misunderstood because they assume then that you know you walk around like being unaffected it's not about that your child can do something that's wrong you can you know go through the proper steps of of acknowledging the behavior and and helping them to see you know the you know the way to do truva and move forward without um being out of control without showing that you are angry without showing that they pushed your buttons and moved you to an emotional space that's not healthy one it's not good for you it's not good for relationship but again it undermines their own emotional security it's a nuanced point but very important okay and then we start by saying there's two interesting ideas about you know video games and another one is um the idea about just the the enthusiasm the sounds and the the lights and you know if you ever played a video i'm not a big video game player then again in my day it was those who remember was you know it's like atari like tennis bing bing bing bing right it's it's called hypnosis today but um you know i i said it's interesting i got um if i had a client i wanted to do a just a quick cognitive test so i i downloaded a boggle game boggle is a it's a great word search game where you you know spell out different words i just wanted to see if they could do something so anyway i did it and then the game was on my phone and once again i'm not a big game guy it's not it's not on some level i just never got into it but i had it and for whatever reason um i found myself just you know with a few minutes um as a waiting room somewhere and but of course you know the good doctor could not be playing boggle in a in a waiting room so i turned down the sound it was not fun though if you have the sound up and you play it you hear things like amazing great job you get seven letters outstanding with the sound off nothing it was not fun and i found something so interesting about that i mean it's it's it's intuitive once you hear it and i guess maybe i should have paid more attention to before but you know there's a reason why we talk to small children using a lot of you know facial animation and expression and emotion um but you're going to find something interesting that you know when you talk to your kids you communicate to your kids you know sometimes it's hard to muster that energy um but when you're able to really show enthusiasm vocally so amazing great job wow that's terrific i got news to you it makes a big difference so just something else to keep in mind okay i think we have about another five minutes left or so um let's see what we have on our list um okay so excuse me [Music] all right um maybe we'll end with simcha and then we'll get some oxygen i'm just kidding um is important because everything that we do gets charged with joy it's very hard to whether you're a leader in a business a sales manager a parent to a child or coaching a little league or a caruso wanting to you know fire up um you know talmud um a rebbe whatever it is the more joy you emanate the more powerfully that message is communicated whenever you want to give over a lesson um in a muna in battacam in ms um in anything do it with simcha you want to be able to charge with as much positivity as you can the entire experience of what it is that you are giving over and wanting that person to gain that's one two with simcha the atmosphere itself in the house i gotta tell you if there's one silver bullet excuse me bullet if there's one magic idea in in child raising it comes from a psychological and certainly from a torah perspective it is to try to infuse the house with as much simha as possible and i would tell you certainly during the the the you know i guess the first wave of kova the first you know six seven months um you know i gave i don't know two three five hundred thousand zoom talks on anxiety and children and dealing with the whole thing and you know um certainly what we model for our children is very important and you know when you know you're you're stocking up and on and tripping over boxes of toilet paper and tuna fish and you tell your children don't worry to be fine you're sending a little bit of a mixed message so be aware that you know your children are constantly picking up on on what it is you do not just on what you say um but the idea about simcha is so important particularly during these times where where you've got everyone out and a lot of places still on top of each other and i would say that the overarching um you know flow chart of whether or not you allow something in your house should be first is this going to increase or decrease the simcha in the house because from simcha will stem a a love for judaism a love for you a love for themselves for their sister for life for everything from a lack of syncha will just stem doom and gloom so you know it you're not going to love a lot of the things that happen and choices that are made and things that go on but these are new times and you really have to cut yourself a wide swath and a lot more slack and give yourself a lot of credit too because you know the i don't have to tell you and i actually don't want to go into just the amount of emotional health issues that are just wearing and tearing on people emotionally spiritually physically we're coming too many people are coming apart at the seams um physically and metaphorically it's just it's it's devastating so it's important to recalibrate our expectations and i would encourage you to dial them all the way down to zero doesn't mean you don't have interest doesn't mean you have wants doesn't mean you don't desire still but as rep destler once said it someone's uh chevrolet when expectations begins love departs so generally speaking i encourage people to just value expectations down very low and during these times it just dial it all the way down to zero whatever happens it's okay only the end of the world is the end of the world and so in keeping with the theme of simha and gratitude and trying to get um a focus on the positive is look for the positive look for the positive in your children in yourself uh in others and you'll begin to see it you know what we focus on becomes our reality and it's very easy to get lost in a lot of the haze of a lot of a lot of sadness a lot of pain but there's also a lot of good there's a lot of beauty and in our children there's often also a mixed bag and some you don't necessarily you know like all the time but you can always love all of them and those times when you really find yourself at wit's end you can still always have rachmanis you know that's an a endless well that we can have for our children um but more important than what you say to kids end of the day is what you think of your children so before you enter any conversation with your children uh remind yourself about who they are how they were when they were born you know that special nishama all the good that's there and that whatever it is they're experiencing is for their tikkun for their good for their growth as it is for yours so ride the wave focus on the good love your child and mirth hashem things will be good i thank you very much for listening i hope you enjoy the entire project inspired convention i thank you for putting up with my my coughing and my um sometimes disjointed presentation with that wish you a good night thank you