Project Inspire Convention 2026 Rabbi Yitzchak Feldheim -The “Um Um Free Zone

to the whatever to the How many years we doing this? It's a lot of years. Progn. This is these are the hardcore real people who stay up talking to at 110 a.m. You you should know that that just just your presence here is uh you know has a lot of that uh the watabas is is uh the whole world's out partying the from people are out eating pizza and a few holy people are sitting here talking tra so it's uh we should continue to give give tom and the should give everyone in this room quickly easily without uh and all the everything should everybody should have what they need. Okay, let's get go let's get going with questions. So um I started with a that'll my problem some questions and let me just say this I don't know if I I feel like I might have said it before in a question sess session I probably didn't I have like these fake memories you know when you get old you the real things you don't remember and you remember things that didn't really happen but um but we I once went to to um to Shakir weekend which is a spin-off of project inspire here and uh Kyra Tuni they started here the traveling cassidum and uh they ended up making their own weekend and I'm always on the panel here the question answers because they like drama and uh and we all love each other we make 10 we have fights just cuz that's Jewish cardio you got to get your heart rate up and uh but was interesting the question and answers always at project inspire are always like these philosophical questions, you know, like how could go Hashem know what you're going to do if you have, you know, all those kind of everybody becomes like a rocket scientist when the question and answer start. So I went to the Shakir weekend. I I was so curious to see what their questions are and because it's a whole different culture and I I was sitting there and I literally was cry my eyes welled the first question I like started to cry like I'm not a crier like a but it just like cut right through my this woman got up and again I could be imagining the whole the way I'm setting it up but in the world like it's not so normal for women to speak in public, you know, that's not their culture. And here was a huge crowd with a whole panel of important rabbis on the panel. And they call on someone to answer. And this one woman in the back, I I probably never spoke in front of men in her life. And she, this is her opportunity. She raises her hand and they they call on her, "What are you going to ask?" And this is what she says. She says, she says by the shabas sida, who should sit next to the tati? The oldest kids, the oldest son or the youngest son? And I like it just like I was not ready for it. It's so real. It was like I felt so inferior. I felt so like like and we're talking philosophy. This is the holiest question in the entire universe. Who should sit next to Tati? the oldest kid or the youngest kid. This is what we're supposed to be agonizing over, you know, and it's so real. It's a it's and I I always say, "What am I going to answer?" You know, like if I was on the pan I wasn't on the panel, but that's like a heavy question. But we don't think like this. We think questions you have to be deep and and earthshattering. The real things are life, you know. I I I used to I used I I always when I was young I was always into philosophy. That's how I got into Kiraov. I used to read all the Gisha philosophers. I was getting ready to talk to college kids like no one ever asked me any of the things I read. You know I spent so many years reading everything in the world like just to be ready for that day and I got the canvas and nobody was interested in any of that stuff. But people were philosophical. They asked in my first year as psychologist most of my shirum I gave were very deep things and then all of a sudden everything changed you know um one day one day like I it wasn't one day but it feels like it was one day I would say all my old shirum and people look at me like rabbi like like what are you like like what are you telling me new things like my issue isn't that I don't know what I should do. My issue is is that I can't do the stuff I already know. I pay $30,000 a semester tuition. I get drunk most nights. That's not philosophy. I don't It's not that I don't know what I should do. I can't. So why are you telling me new things? You know, you put your stuff at the end of the line when I do the stuff I already do, then I'll get around to doing the things you're telling me. What's that change? That's an image between psychology and philosophy, you know. So when I was into philosophy, I remember being so upset that there were so many swarim that said you're not allowed to learn philosophy. And I always assumed the reason why the say you shouldn't learn philosophy was like an insecurity that you might go off a and I was saying like what are you so scared of? Don't you don't you respect Judaism? To me it was embarrassing that a rabbi would say don't learn philosophy because what are you insecure about? You don't think we have good answers? like like we have good answers like uh and I it always bothered me and then I you know Ramakman talks very against philosophy all the time but it was shocking to me and it was such a breath of fresh it was for me it was a paradigm shift doesn't talk against philosophy that it's that it's going to go you're going to go off you know what he says what's wrong with philosophy he says who cares who cares how the world works whose job is that that's God's job what everything means, what it's about. That's you're not your job is your job is to know what what the world works. Your job is to know how you work and you're not a philosophy. You're about psychology. All your fears and insecurities. Philosophy is that's what he says like a waste of time. The only thing that matters is like you know how he runs the world. That's his that's philosophy. My job is how Yity Feldi works. and how come I have trouble getting up in the morning and why why you know all these things and that's not philosophy and and I feel like like as the older I get that's the that's that's more and more the stuff that uh that I feel like people should be asking about like why are we talking about uh the age of the universe you know talk about how old I'm getting and I haven't done anything yet you know that's what you got to talk about so uh but I'm not I'm not telling you don't ask philosophical questions Those are very thrilling and late at night you're here. You can just do whatever you want. You deserve to have your questions answered. But the deeper stuff is the is is the stuff that's in our kishkas, you know. Go ahead. What what what you you're raising a hand. >> Um no, just a lot of kids have been asking me like media and things like that. How do you explain that to like 15year-old 17y old kids? >> Okay. What do you tell a seven again? What age? What? It's it's >> Yeah, like 16 17 years old and like coming from this world where like these things are normal wise, these things are okay. Like the problem is I feel like I feel like all the things I used to answer to these questions are like from it's too old. Like the world changed too much. I'll tell you what I always answered. I I don't know how I haven't talked to kids that age in a long time. And I wonder how this would affect them. How how if how my old answers would work. It's it's very t like the world really really changed like like so many things that I would say just you know we have we have the battlefield has shifted so far. I used to tell them simply I would say let me let me first zoom out. What makes something you want to say something is wrong? How do we define wrong? That's I that's what I always like to do. I first like to paint a picture of people like what is wrong? What is a vera? Like what does that mean? Like the Torah has all these things you can't do. Is there a common denominator? What is called wrong? So my definition of what in a is that Hashem created a world for you to be amazing. He created you with crazy potential, skills, insights, talents, and he wanted you to enjoy the place, the peace of the universe that's accessible to you. I call it dancing in the gan. He wants of us all to dance in the garden. Every one of us is given our own gan, our own little plot in the gan. And he wanted us to dance in our gun. So if that's what it is, so what's an aa? What would you assume an aa is then? is is not dancing in your Ghana. All a ver are what did they went and they were hiding in the bushes. That's they do. So la means that who's the victim of la? It's me. They said I'm not I'm not I'm not living the life that was meant for me. I would have all these things waiting for me and I'm I'm just curled up in a fetal position and I'm pushing snooze buttons. I'm pulling the cover off over my head and putting on noiseancelling headphones. And that's what I used to say. Now I would probably have like new things. I would say I'm just rolling doing eye rolls and snickering and cackling and we're like we're much better today at denying our dreams. Used to be you ran away. Now now we're like superheroes at denying dreams. We can we we can suck the dreams out of a whole room of people in five minutes. You know just the negativity and the skills to demean things. It's crazy. So so that's when you define na like that. So now we have to say so how is Shom Nagia running away from from dreams that's the question you have to ask on every single aa how is this a vera running away from what I wanted make let's make it real it's not an arbitrary law so so what's the answer there's nothing wrong with with naga what's wrong with naga is na on someone who made no commitment to you right when you were 10 years old. That's why I tell I do this so much like I feel like it's like old already, but so many questions start from me. When you were 10 years old, you know, I was 10 years old. I was jumping off a couch. Not 10, maybe eight, six. I was jumping off a couch with a towel tied around my neck and I was going to save the world. I was going to I was going to be a hero. What does a hero mean? A hero primarily means the guy who gets to marry a princess. I'm going to save the damsel in distress. I'm going to slay the dragon. I'm going to derail the locomotive. And I'm going to tire untie her from the tracks. I'm going to scale the tower. I'm going to melt the witch. Whatever it was, whatever the scenario is, I'm going to hit the home run and the bomb of the ninth. We're down by two runs. Whatever it is, you're going to do that because when you do that, you get the baselik. And that's that's not it's not inappropriate. That's called holy because the baselik represents everything good, everything worth having in the world. So that's the gates to the gates to wants to be a hero to get her baselik and the girl wants to be the baselik. She wants to be the thing that is so valued that people are going to be willing to grow and change to deserve her. The princess dream is such a real dream. It's not a dream of pretty clothing and a crown. It's so much deeper. It's a dream of something to be fought for. It's validation that I I'm inspiring and people are I'm going to make my imprint. I I it's not worth it just to be good. I want to light people's fire. I want to inspire. So when a girl wants to be a princess, that's what she's dreaming of that someone is going to fight. I'm going to it's it's a dream of value of honor of being honored and cherished. Someone's and I'm going to inspire people. So then and then we lose our dreams, right? We start off I I I you know I started to say it earlier in the weekend I never I never finished it. It's old Tory tora but every girl that ever lived until 10 years old she wants to be a princess on Purum. Every Purum costume and every boy is something with a gun, a sword or a cape. It's a world of heroes and princesses. I go I I went to college for years and I once I ended up in Ruckers University on Halloween and uh every girl in Ruckers University was also wearing the same costume but I don't have to explain there were no princesses, right? Everybody understands what the costume is. Um what happens from 8 years old to 18? What happens like why are there no more princesses? Because because all those dreams don't and and by the way, none of the guys are heroes either. Everyone's like a rapper or a gangster like a like like like what happens from 8 years old to 18. So what happens is we get we things happen in our lives that we don't believe we're going to be heroes or heroins or princesses. We don't believe it's going to happen. So then I have to I have I can't I have to lower my standards, right? But I can't I can't dream those dreams. So let me say I want want to say more more like harsher things cuz it's a late night. You can go places you can't go on the whole shabas. So what is the moment that makes a guy let's start with a guy. What is the m what is what is the moment that the guy crosses over from from wanting to be a superhero and now he wants to be a gangster? What is is there a universal moment that does that? What would you say it is? What is what is what what is the moment that makes people a boy stop believing he's going to be a hero? I have to pick something. What's the So, so the common denominator of all of all coping out all all lowering standards comes that I don't believe I deserve I don't I don't feel deserving. I don't believe I'm going to be a hero. I don't not I don't deserve that. It's never going to happen for me. That's that's where it comes from. So, where does that feeling of non-deserving come from? It comes from I'm a copout. All all loss of dreams comes because I don't believe it's possible. And why do I believe it's not possible? Because I don't believe I'm good. So where does that come from? Where that comes from is is is shortcuts. And the first shortcut in life, the gate, like we say marijuana is like a gateway drug. It means that it's the simplest one. Then you get into deeper drugs. What's the gateway a vera? What's the first copout for a boy? I think this is why we talk so much about Shirim. The gateway copout is Shmeir. That you wanted to be a hero and get it work hard and get a princess and now what did you do? You just clicked on something and you saw everything you ever ever want to see. Now you feel like a fraud. It's the first copout, the first shortcut of Shmeir. And what robs most boys of their dreams and this is why we're so into why are we so into because is the thing that robs you of your dreams. That's what is all all copouts and shortcuts rob you of of feeling like a hero. But the first the first cop out the al the first shortcut that guys take is I wanted to marry a baselik and that means I had to be the best guy in yeshiva and work hard and prove my value and become a gibber and now I just I took a shortcut. So so in colleges the girls would ask then they would say so what is the when does the girl lose her dreams? What's what's the what's the girl's shortcut? What do you think? It's a hard question. So the answer I answered, I don't know if it's the best answer, but it's it's a heavy answer. At least in college, this was very heavy answer. The answer I used on college was when does a girl not feel like a princess anymore? When she realizes the guy that she's dating doesn't have and she doesn't dump him. When the girl realizes that the guy she's dating is a cop out and she she's she's uh then she feels guilty. I'm like I'm not a princess. Why why why have I given up my standards? You buy that answer? It's a heavy answer. But um you have to translate it to from language now. But you know when you find out that the guy you're dating doesn't go to Shakus, doesn't have a rebby or whatever it is. So, so why I don't want to sound so harsh. It's not it's not what I'm saying is not true because if you believe in yourself enough, you believe that you could inspire a guy, you know, go to chakras, you know, it it's true philosophically what I'm saying, but it's not you don't have to I don't want to dis exclude people. You know, Rabaka's wife married him when he was a total Amoritz and she saw something great in him. You have to know when you when you're when when you're willing to lower standards or marry somebody who has something lacking, are you marrying it because you're lowering your standards or you or you just say, "I'm I'm I'm more of a powerful princess. I can light his fire, too." You have to know where it's coming from. But when you lower your standards because you are you don't believe you're going to get that hero, then you're going to feel shame and you're going to lose your dreams. But when you're willing to accept the guy who who's doing something less because you think you can light this fire. So that's not going to affect you at all. That's amazing. That's just more that makes you feel more powerful like I don't I don't have to marry the best guy. I can marry the worst guy and turn him into the best guy. So then you feel you feel like a bigger ge you know like a guy the the bigger the dragon he's facing is the bigger geber he is. So you have to be honest with yourself. Anyways I just went the whole long journey. The answer to the to the shaming the gia is is the reason why you shouldn't be sh is because you you're you're you're going to feel guilty and ashamed because this is not what you wanted. You didn't want you didn't dream of some guy who didn't make any commitment to you. That's not what you wanted. And why would you settle for that? Why would you settle for that? Everybody wants you want the guy who's going to marry you and get on one knee, whatever it is the image is in the world, and put a ring on your finger and and then when someone says that, then then it's uh then it's huge. But when you when you lower your standards and and and are willing to to to to make some that kind of connection to somebody that prove nothing to you then what does that say about you then you can't look yourself in the mirror because you know you it's not what you wanted all that's what all aas are all aas are the victim of a is yourself I do I take aas are all copouts every a is a copout it's a big kesh but you can test it every A is a copout and the victim of copouts is you. You lose all your self-respect and you only and become a chiller. And the opposite is when you don't cop out and you do something way and you and and you don't cave in and you say no no no one's touching until we're married. Then you feel like I am valuable and you feel proud of yourself and you feel proud. You wake up earlier and you do more life. It's very real. Anyways, I don't know if that's satisfactory, but that's that I went the whole long journey to get there, but I got let's make make it deeper. I had this I had this conversation recently. Um, a guy was tell a boy was telling me he's going out with this girl. He's such a cool such a cool child to talk about. I want to hear what you have to say about it because I'm not sure myself if I have the right idea. A boy was going out with a girl and he said, "She's not opening up. She's not opening up." And and the shad was coming up with trying to convince her that she has to open up because it's the dating is like a dead end. And I was just I couldn't get it out of my head that I I was just thinking that that's that whole I get it. It's a problem, but why should a girl open up to a guy who who made no there's no commitment here? There's something cheap about that. That's what a baselik is. I don't need to open up. Not opening up to someone. So, we're asking someone on a date to open up which is going to take away the the most powerful reason to marry them is their majesty. So, we're asking them to lose some of their majesty by opening up. Is that a real thing I'm saying? Is like you feeling it? Like, and but the catch 22. If you don't open up then uh then what's the answer to that? Our whole dating is flawed like that. I feel like like uh you know have it really really good. They get married very young and they trust their parents and their parents find the and they meet once or twice. But when we're doing it ourselves so you have to figure out if it's working. You have to get to know she you need her to be vulnerable before you marry her. What girl? No, a girl shouldn't want to be vulnerable before you marry her. Their whole power is that she doesn't need to change anything. That you need to prove your value. You didn't prove anything. You hear the problem? You have an for that. You think it's not so bad to open up before I think if a girl feels she doesn't want to open up, I think that that's part of her majesty. That's what that's what dignity is. So, I don't have to do anything. I don't need to prove anything. If she's not comfortable to open up then >> what >> if she's not It depends at what point you're dating. If it's date number three, yes, her majesty. >> What? >> Could be a number 400. You didn't put a ring on her finger. Why should she show herself to you if if Why is it different than Shaggy? Let me ask you, what's what's what's more intimate? show a hug or or or or talking about my innermost feelings. >> If a person if you don't want to share meaning whether you do it or don't you want in in at date number 400 you don't want to be shar but you are but at the same time you want to share with that person. If you're not ready to want to share that person at date 400 there's something missing between the two of you and that's something you're allowed to do. Do do is that I don't I I I don't know if I'm convinced of that. I I that's what if I was a guy that's what I would be arguing why she should open up. There's something wrong. But if I was her agent, I would be saying, "What are you crazy? Why you do my daughter? >> Do you do you understand what I my argument for Shia?" >> Absolutely. >> Okay. So then why is this different? >> Because me you the the opening up is something you're permitted to do. And if it was my daughter that was counseling, I would say to her, if you're at day 400 and you don't want to open up the guy, you don't want to touch >> Good. Let me ask you a question. Good. Good. That's a great You you just opened up a real a useful can of verbs. It's something you're permitted to do. What makes something permitted? Because permits it. So, what does that mean? >> But how does the boy know? >> I I I'm getting there's a catch 22. I I I'm not saying that that I'm saying it's a problem, but >> but you see what what makes some the way you're saying it is the way we all are we all talk as from Jews. I'm just not sure how accurate is it's permitted. I give you example make sure I get back on track. Okay, but this comes up a lot also in Ker things. People talk about that you're allowed to say lashhur on someone who's not Jewish. all these kind of things something like how do you respond to that like why are you allowed to be says so you know what my answer is my answer is you can't see now let's say lash that's crazy who told you you could say they'll say what what do you mean you can't say I said but what's wrong with lashhara what makes lash wrong first of all it shows that you're a jealous person and you need to knock somebody else down then it means that you have no amun that Hashem knows what he's doing. He controls the world. That you have to knock someone down and demean them. All these these things these things and then and that you think you need to take the kama and you need to replace God's authority in the world and you're the policeman. All these things are true. If it's a Jew or a non-Jew, these are all between you and God. If you say nonju, you're the same aicyus that you don't believe Hashem controls the world. You're the same jealous vindictive person. You have a hundred aas you're doing. Who cares if lash is not a vera? Behind every a is a hundred. It's a hundred ways that you're not being from yiddish kite is it's real. It's not a bunch of laws. I'm always afraid to say this on tape. Let me say this on tape. This is is what's the relationship of to yiddish kite? Are they the same thing? >> No. >> Why not? What's the difference? What's he say? Yiddish kite. I don't know. There are people I used to like this phrase. I heard there were people who reframed because you're always looking how to explain what Yiddish kite is to someone who's not from so or someone who's less whatever. So there were people who used to used to be in style to call Yiddish halic Judaism. You ever heard that phrase? So in the beginning I liked it. It sort of was like a good phrase. I realize it's a terribly flawed phrase. What is wrong with the phrase? What's what's the difference between and can you can you articulate it? You're agree you're saying it's not the same thing. What's the difference? >> In my mind, is steps you take in terms of actions. Yiddish kind is a feeling. >> Okay. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Okay. And and okay, let let me let me iron out what you're saying a little more. What you're saying is I agree with it, but I want to iron it out better. You know what hala is? Hala, compared to Yiddish kite, hala is like a white man dancing. You can tell them all the moves, but it's not dancing. You got to have soul. Got to flow, right? Or I'll give you a bet, a good mush, a computer mush. Like when I was kid, we had a first computer. It and it was in those days the resolution of the screen was like 256 by 192. We paid extra. It was called extended basic and TRS80 radio shack. Remember those computer whatever it was like it was amazing computer but when you tried to make a circle on a computer screen that's 256 pixels by 192. So it's very jaggedy. It's not a real circle. As resolution increased on computers you can get it looks more and more like a circle. Today you can from far away looks like a perfect circle but when you get very close you realize it's not a circle right? this it's it's it's pixels it's a multi-sided poly sided polygon as you increase the resolution it looks more and more like a circle so but it's not a circle this is how I understand explain the mshel of what is to yiddish kite like dera is trying to describe a relationship to but it's 10 halas so yish kite's a circle it's a relationship I want to describe it I say it's these And it's a very jaggedy circle. But then I I said, "Yeah, go I'll I'll add more details. It's really 613 mitzvah in the in the ten commandments there's 630 mitz. Now we're getting more circular, but it's still jackety." Then you go through the Mishna and every hala has many details. Oh, it's getting more circular. And after the gummor every everything you're learning keeps on making it more and more, but you know what? It's still never going to be a circle. No matter how how much it looks, it's a multi-sided sided polygon. It gets more and more sides. But you know what the main difference between a circle and a polygon is? I might lose people in this whole like geome geometry muscle. But you you with me on the muscle? I lost you. So here's the main difference. If I tie a a pen to a string and I spin it around enough, it ds like a little bit force and it starts to spin on its own. That's because it's a circle. If I'm going around a polygon, so what do I have to do? I have to go like this. Then I have to make a left and go like this and make a left and go like this. You got to keep on giving gas at every corner. It never will go by itself because it's constantly changing direction. A circle is a flow. It's smooth. It's fluid. it it no no matter how many sides you make it may be almost like a circle but it's millions of direction changes it'll never become real and that's the difference is the attempt to describe the relationship of Hashem in behaviors we can do a very good job of trying to get there but it's never the same I told you to remind me to get back on track where was I going with this what was I supposed to get back on track >> and and your connection. But we were talking about a girl opening herself up as opposed to being the mouth was >> permitted and unpitted. >> Oh, so you permit. Very good. That's very great. So you said permitted. So I So that you're allowed to open up. So I said, what does permitted mean? If we're looking at as a bunch of so there's no law that you can't talk to somebody but it's everything is either holy or un like like is this part of your and the question is is opening up to somebody who didn't prove anything to you yet what does that say what what is that >> that's exactly what I what I was saying if it's in the beginning of the relationship there's nothing there at the 400 as you said You don't if he didn't prove it already to that you want to open up to him. There's a problem. >> Oh, you're saying he didn't prove it. How could he prove it without a ring? If if that's the only then they got to give it the ring on date number. >> If that's the if that if that's not the only thing then why did God demand r marriage an exuva because any >> because that permits the next thing >> but there's a point where the dates there's a there's one threshold where it's real. What's real is when you committed and that's the safest place in the world. And that's what the purpose of marriage is. He created this place. You know, I'll say it like this. People ask me all the time in colleges like like like if the Torah wants you unity and relationships, so why you only let him marry like why does Hashem create marriage like one person? Right. Uh >> okay. Okay. From a man's side, but from the at least on the I I think from both sides. I think the the whole idea that you're allowed to marry two women is a total. It was never it was Abraham married a second wife because he couldn't have kids. Yuk had kids. He married only one woman. Yakov was tricked. David was trying to create world peace. Most cases in Tyra when everything goes right you have one wife. The Tory allowed you to have more than one wife for many reasons. I again my take. I'm sure you could probably find people who would say things that allow you to say your position but I'm arguing that it's bad. But either way from a woman's side it's not. It's not us. So we don't have to p pursue this whole discussion. But why is monogamy holy? Shouldn't you if the purpose of life is unity, shouldn't we unify with many people? And my answer is I I give a mush like this. I say like here I take you take your arm. Imagine I'm poking your arm like this. Okay? I'm going like this. I ask like this. You let me know at what point all these taps on your arm equals equals a hug. How many taps will it take for you to feel hugged? What's the math? What is the number of taps that combines to equal hug? A tap feels some kind of closeness. So, how much of those taps will it take? What's your number? How many taps will you finally feel hugged? >> There's none. >> None. Why not? >> What? Right? >> Cuz it's cuz it's a whole different level. There's no amount of a lower thing that will ever total the higher thing. It's a different level. There are no amount of relationships that you could have with someone that'll ever equal marriage. All of the connection that you feel in in small relationships will never because none of those sheer safety sheer totally in the intimacy that is allowed when someone it's just me and you forever the freedom and the openness and the security all none of that is replicated when it's more than one because by definition you don't have any of that. It's taps come clear to a hug. And that's why the Tyra wants the Tyra wants maximum relationship. Maximum relationship is one person another person. That's maximum. Any more the total is always going to be less. Does that test out in your mind? You hearing it? Thinking. You're thinking. You're thinking. >> I hear what you're saying. I hear you. >> Well, okay. No, I'm asking you. I'm asking you like we could we could think about it. Doesn't have to be we we know the answer yet, but that's what I'm that's what I'm putting out there. So now so many steps back to where you were coming from. It's like it's one in the morning is uh I could see every year how how I get slower at this question answer session. It's like uh um so so what what so where we going with this? I was trying to explain what that uh >> permitted >> what's permitted. So I was saying nia is not permitted. things are permitted when it's when it's when it's what Hashem wants you to wants you to be. He doesn't want you to cop out. And I'm arguing that that that opening up to some that that certain kinds of vulnerability to someone who has not made a commitment might be might be just because there's no specifically addressing it. It's the same thing the Tyra told us it doesn't want us to do. It's a copout. It's what's wrong with all all our aas. You could come up with a hundred copouts. The Torah didn't didn't predict every single version of copout in the life. The Torah established a pattern of what it doesn't like. It doesn't want you to underell yourself. So you can think of things that are underelling that that the Torah didn't list. It doesn't mean that MT established the the wants what you wants you to understand is underelling. And every single time that you underell yourself, it doesn't tell you to uh give me example of of a copout that's not in the TRA. Doesn't tell you if if you got into college, don't become a bagger in Walmart. But that's user. It's user to become a bagger in Walmart when you got when you have a scholarship to a university. Why? Because it's very sad that you're coping out I think >> what does mean I'm saying don't be a white man dancing >> but but in life we have to there are rules and we have >> the okay but but but it's rules are you doing the rot hashem >> that's what good you know what that is means >> round out the corners and why do You say I gave you all the mitzvah. Keep the mitzvah. No means don't. The mitzvah are meant to help you grasp it. But the job is Hashem created you to live. The law is live. Anything that's less is your the problem with going that way is that everyone will have their own interpretation of what is a what is not a >> and it's true >> as opposed to but that's the truth. But that's what you have to >> that's why we have a safe for basics so everyone can understand but you have to know out beyond that what is a copout for you you the cop out for you for this guy who's a drug addict for him to become a bagger in Walmart would it be the biggest he getting his life together he's waking up at 9 in the morning he's being humble and consistent and he's a yish for you would it be the biggest copout it is different for everybody the maybe that's the hagdar of what the player wrote or didn't. Universal things versus things that are subjective. But but becoming a bagger and Walmart when you have a scholarship to college is user the same way everything else is user. It's the rot hashem. It's it's what does hashem want from me? Hashem created you in a shama. He has a picture. You have a promised land. You're supposed to leave your Egypt and journey to your promised land. Are you stuck in your Egypt? These are the questions >> but without walking you can't get the promise sign. Is that opening up on your 400? >> Okay. So now you're going back to that specific case. Good. But you had the question. So now now we're back to that question is opening up. This is the question that I was bringing up and it wasn't even anyone's question. It was I just stuck it in there. But it's I don't know if it's this people want you up at night get what they want to talk about. I don't know if this is satisfying anybody. It's like a little bit uh um >> what not so it's real but but it's it's philosophically real. Okay. Let's but it's a cool discussion. >> We're not talking philosophy. >> No. Okay. But then we had we had we done it. We did this conversation. We we beat it to death a little bit. We started off. It's important thing to think about. If you walk away just from this last question, I just want you to walk away to know that it's user for you to undersell yourself. You're allowed to use the word asser for things that are are the is for sure. But you have to know that beyond there are thousands of things that are for you. And didn't say it established for you. Your purpose of life is gave you stuff and he wants you to live. for for you to underell yourself is you are rebelling against the Hashem and and that is user. You're allowed to say it's user. It's it's it's you know it's it's it's a grown up it's expanding these terms away from that's why I was saying the term is it's it's an amazing term as a minimum but it's not it's it's a minimum yiddish kite but yiddish kite goes beyond well beyond that and you have to and and the same words user are are going to you go to a r and he'll tell you it's user to do that you know um it might be or but user Okay, whatever. Let's go. Ver something else. Yes. Anybody else? You want to go? I'll let you. Okay, go. If everybody everyone will agree on the question from now on that we something we should all agree to and talk about. Go ahead. >> Like it's just like it seems kind of funny to me that like we're saying that like is not what Hashem wants. Like we need to do more than because like at the end of the day it's like if Hashem is asking you something then do it. Like why are we focusing on so many extra things when like Hashem gave us what to do. >> But it's not, you see, it's not extra. I'm making it more simple. Hashem only wants one thing. It's not, he doesn't want 613 things. He wants one thing. What does he want? He wants you to be every single thing that your nama could have possibly been. Don't squander. Like what's it like you buy a gift for somebody? Someone just told me a story. A guy was important fellow, big, very wealthy guy. And he has a driver who uh non-Jewish driver who drives him. It's a rich people have drivers. They get a lot of their time is valuable in driving. And the driver wanted this this this guy to he want he bought a gift for his the from guy who he drives for. And he he he gave him this movie called Fast and Furious wrapped up and he says this is my favorite movie in the world. I it's about drivers. It's a racing. He goes I watched this movie a hundred times. and he wanted his his boss to watch it. And the the boss told him, "Listen, he says, "You know what? I promise it'll be the next the next movie I watch is going to be your movie." Seven years later, this guy, the driver, is helping him clean his office before Pesak. And he uh he he's the organizing and he he moves a few things away and he sees the video the movie he gave him still with the ribbon around it and he was very broken. And he looked at him, he says, "You didn't even watch the movie." He says, "I promised you that the next movie I watch will be I promise you I have not turned on a TV or watched a movie in seven years. This will be the first one. I kept it there." Okay. Ever watch a movie? I'm going to watch a movie. How what was I where was I going with this? It's uh 2:00 in the morning. So, >> what what was the specific question? Why? Why was I feeling like this? Was exactly what? >> Your emotion gives you a gift. And you >> the but you're the same age as I am. You're older than me. How do you do that? >> I pretend everybody changed the amazing. So, so um the I said the gay gave you a gift, your life, and he wants you to live. That's your job to be you. And a mitzvah is to do is to be who Hashem want you to be. Is to run away from who want you to be. This guy, it hurts us when we give a gift to somebody. He doesn't use it. This is the he wants you to use all your gifts and all your there's only one mitzvah. Be you. That's the only mitzvah in the whole Torah. All those that you know that you learned are all subsets of time trying to teach you and help you be you. These are all the rules of being you. But I'm not making it more complicated. I'm making it more simple. There's one mitzvah. Be you. That's the only mitzvah. Any any time that you are expanding yourself, you're being you're being holy. Every time that you're stifling part of yourself, you're hiding, you're you're afraid, you're scared, you're insecure, you're you're you're you're playing it safe. So you're you're you're not being who you were meant to be. It's very simple. I'm making it more simple. I'm not yet. What I'm doing is I'm actually sounds like I'm adding five millit this but you know if if you just see mitz as a bunch of a bunch of behaviors. So right I'm increasing the amount of behaviors. But if you see but >> basically the part of terra that talks about that that's not in the part of terra that's hidden hidden much bigger than the part that talks about the >> right right yeah you here it's a real answer or you feel like uh okay it's we don't think like this it's just I call this religion. Religion with re a l instead of re it's real. It's like it's not it's sad that so many people go their whole lives and feel like I'm living a bunch of abstract laws that Hashem wanted me to do. Hashem might have said like Hashem might have said, "I want you to get in the morning and climb an oak tree and then by noon I want you to chop down a maple tree." And some people think that would been just oh that would been different mitzvah. No, the myths are real. They're not arbitrary weird acts. >> Have you ever seen a sho full of men with white shaws walking around with pum sticks shaking them around? >> They're a bunch of weird acts. Nothing wrong with weird acts. >> It's not a They're not weird acts. >> When you look into what it is, if there was a purpose to it and Hashem wanted us to cut down a maple tree something to that also the earth just like we're walking around. >> If there was something amazing to chop down a maple tree, he would have commanded it. Do you know why Hashem tells us to shake a olive >> again that we we we understand or want? >> No. No. I'm gonna explain to you that that that why why you right if it's just a weird tree and it's arbitrary and this and that. So it's weird. That's what we do. We don't learn we don't learn these things as we get older in a deeper way. So we think it's a bunch of behaviors and therefore I feel limited and restricted and bossed around all day or I like it and I'm happy I have rules to follow. Some people like rules, but but I don't feel like I'm actualizing myself. Let me explain to you what the l is about just as an example. You brought up lol, but every mitzvah is like this. >> My my point was that if Hashem wanted us to do it and he tells to do it, there'd be something spiritual and deeper into it. Like you're going to be explain. >> I'm going to give you now explain now. >> You have to explain to me. I understand. >> Let's do it. It's a cool example because not everybody's like this. I want to show it to you. Let me let's do a little It's amazing. Okay. Okay, it's a long way off from sukus, but hopefully we'll all remember this. What is the words in the Torah for Lulov? How's the Torah called? >> What? >> What does that translate as? Capo is what are capo? >> Palms. >> Palms. Date palms. It's interesting because in English it's also called date palms. Capo. The word palm is a palm. And in Hebrew, a caf is a palm. Why is a palm tree called a palm in multiple? Anyone speak any other languages? We could test it if it's true just in English and Hebrew. Isn't that random? In Hebrew, it's called the pal kapa pal. And English is called a palm tree. It must be again it's not must be because it's only two things. But if you show a pattern is anyone speak a different language besides Hebrew and English. >> French. >> How do you say a palm tree in in French? The same thing >> it means palm. >> Yeah. >> So we have three languages. Can you can you figure out can you figure out what about a palm tree? Coconuts. Palm trees. What about it that in multiple languages it means a palm? >> The leaves spread out. >> Okay. You you see a hand almost. fingers coming out. >> Okay. I I I I didn't see the fingers, but I almost I'll tell you what I see. You see how you see fingers? Because it's like it opens up. Okay, good. Fine. I looked at a little differently. I'll tell you my take on it, but it's the same as yours, but just a little subtly different. And this is it'll change your nanu on yumip on on sukus when you shake a little. This is what you should have cavanao on on sukus is that the universe Hashem created the universe and he he gave us a command to go free from he said freed us from Egypt told us to go in terra and go plant your fields and harvest your crops and the kasukus it's a kaga and you the first the Jews are finally init the land you promised and you were slaves for two 400 years of mitz and then you went free and you finally get you know what happens when a composer writes his magnum opus the greatest piece he ever wrote. So the big day is when they come to the New York Philarmonic and they're finally going to play the the ma the greatest composition of this composer. It's the greatest day in the world and they gather there and everyone's there. They're going to hear his his masterpiece. Hashem's the composer of all composers and this is his world. And what is the day that the New York Philarmonic plays his greatest piece? After all the thousands of years and all the Torus, the Jews finally make it into Israel. They plant their crops. They harvest them. This is the culmination. You come to the bid. What do you do when the composer finishes his greatest composition? What happens in the concert hall? Everyone gets up and gives a standing ovation. That is what the shaking of the lul is. You know what happens when you shake the lulv? When you shake a lul the on both sides of the shedra all of what you calling the fingers go out and the kapa he says the clapping of the lulv the lulv when you shake it the leaves on both sides open up and clap and open up and clap. The shaking of the lul the kavon of nanu is is that we are standing up and giving theam a standing ovation on all of the bria and all of history. It's the most magnificent thing in the entire world what's going on. And it's not just us doing it. It's really the un the trees themselves are clapping. The universe is giving Hashem a standing ovation. But how is it doing it? Through us. That's that's the the mushel for all of life. We the yidden allow the entire world to give God a standing ovation. And that's what you're supposed to think when you're shaking off giving giving Hashem this the standing ovation. And that's why the last day come they rip off all of the rings. So they it's like that crazy like uh like overdrive standing ovation. That's the kavan. It's the most amazing kavan in the world. Can you imagine? People go to shul and shake the lulv. Everyone closes their eyes like it's the deepest thing in the world, but no one knows what to think because it's just one more chopping down maple trees. There's value to following the rules. I'm not against but it's sad to stop there. It's like you're missing the point of what Hashem. So what is Hashem telling? He's saying the majesty that you're being part of. Do you know the significance that you're playing in the universe? You are the ones making the whole world shim. You wrote, you are part of the symphony. You know what it means to be part of the New York Filmonic? Do you know what it means to be on stage and creating this? It it gives your life meaning and purpose and significance to understand your value. The fact that people serve Hashem without this is is it's really cool. They're so strong and they serve Hashem without any understanding. But is that a higher level or a lower level? What do you think? That's a good question. The guy who doesn't the beauty of mitz he's doing any doing it anyway. So in a way he's on a higher level in his ms nephesh in his willing willingness to do things and suffer but that's but but that's only a higher level if you think that hashem values suffering. Hashem wants joy. >> Who's to say he's suffering? He's doing just what says. >> No he's he's sub he's submitting his will to Hashem's will. It's his spotless. The idea of his spotless meaning I don't understand it. What? be suffering. >> Okay, maybe suffering is a harsh word. >> You may have such joy that he's able to to >> joy. Joy in what? So that's semantics. He's having joy in his submission, in his negation of self. I call that suffering. You call it joy. It's it's with semantics. I'm saying is what does Hashem want? Does Hashem want you to feel huge and that's your trip or does he want you to feel small and that's your trip? >> He's still in our melo. So we have to subjugate ourselves to him. >> So okay. So I I'm arguing and how am I going to respond to idea that Hashem's a melo? But I'm arguing with you right now. That's the cool argument. This is already uh again I'm getting into philosophy again, but everything gravitates there. But >> but but that's a very cool question. What does Hashem want? Is everyone on board with this question? This is to me this is one of the biggest problems in Yiddish kite is that we think that we're holy when you know when our it's our parents do this to us. You know when our parents tell us that we're a good boy? When you let someone go ahead of you online. When there's one piece of pizza and you give it to your brother. We we are from young age we're taught to associate holiness with suffering and self-negation. >> I is that suffering? >> I totally disagree with that. >> I agree with disagree too but you don't think it happens. >> I if it's not taught properly. I think what what the parents are teaching you is to find the joy in being able to give someone else an opportunity above yourself. It's not subjugating yourself. It's it's understanding that you could do it and you're choosing not to. >> So then if if it's about the joy so then why is it only when I'm negating why can't we talk about joy when there's nobody else around? I'm not giving to someone else. I'm just experiencing a gift that Hashem gave me. >> Can enjoy that too. >> I understand. But but that but that's not the message I'm getting. I'm getting a message always when it involves someone else and they're going first. If if you have a family that's telling you to enjoy giving someone else first, look at your said and enjoy the pizza that you got everyone got and enjoy >> the pizza when you're eating it the whole by yourself. >> Okay, that's an amazing family. That's that's Torah. That's amazing. But the point is is that joy, right? You're just telling me you're making up a family that I could agree with you on. I made up the family. It's my I'm made up a family. My family tells the kid only he's at sadic when he suffers. Does that family exist anywhere? Have you ever met them? >> Yeah. >> Okay. Good. That's my family. >> Unfortunately, kids who are not getting the proper >> good. You know you know where this comes from. By the way, this I this is the truth is this is this is the difference between if you wanted to understand the difference between Judaism and other religions. This is the difference. Every other religion sees Hashem as self-negation. is is is can you submit yourself to Hashem and we see a hashem as as as vibing as expansion >> we see it as a king he can still be our king but still our father who loves us >> yeah but even even king I don't transit king like you you're meeting me halfway you only say he's a father and he's also our king I'm saying even king is not is not submission the king is your choice the king is your recognition malus is the total experience of something in Kabala. The highest sphere is Malus. It's not the lowest, it's the highest, >> right? We anoint him as our king. That's what we >> What does that mean in But what does that mean? Let's do it. Let's do it post high school. What does that mean to anoint Hashem as king? What does that mean? >> We're we're choosing for him to >> to do what? To submit to him. >> Yeah. >> No, that's not what Malus says. >> To is not to submit to us to let him guide us in our lives and our king and some and we let him guide he's the leader we follow and that's what it is >> for what purpose >> because what whatever he's we know part of him being our father is that he is guiding us in what's best for >> here's a good question let me good let me ask you a question this way when we think of Hashem as a melik hashem is a melik so what if you really believe he's a melik what feeling should you feel after that >> I don't remember who said it today. Somebody said today there was an example the reb was the the father was the reb came home and told his father he can tell the not to it's the same exact thing with you you want you have that relationship that you love your king he loves you and everything that's being done is best for you >> oh so it's best for me meaning when Hashem is my king you know what I feel like is running the world that means that everything in my life is perfect. I can't wait to see how this is going to work out. It's just optimism. It creates this crazy sense of of optimism of excitement. None of this Hispa stuff. None of this suffering. >> I agree with you. >> Au and Malcu said I was disagreeing with you. >> No, but Malcu was saying no. You're saying it's both. It's Ainu and Malcu. Malcanu is the self negation. Hashem I'm saying even when you the idea that Hashem is a melik means that Hashem runs the entire world means that every single thing is a bra. Hashem is a mive. That's all he is. He just does beautiful things. That means every single thing in my life is exciting if you really believe it. >> I'm glad that you finally came to my side. >> Okay, that works for you. >> I have to leave. >> Works for you. Take care. Your smile means that you believe it. It's good. >> Very good. You're not just saying it. May you may Hashem only give you may you see all the always forever. >> Very good. Okay. What's the next question? >> No. Let me tell you a cool thought that might open up a question. This is para the the kim it says that hashem speaks to hashem speaks that's where hashem speaks it describes the and the krim and it says and hashem will speak between the two krim the also tells us that we do the rots in hashem the kr separate from each other but when you're doing the ruts in hashem then the kim are together so what does it mean that main the means you're not doing the rat because they're separate right when they right when they open the the hugging each other but when you're not doing everybody's they're separate so when hashem speaks that means that they're not together so what does that mean I think it means that hashem speaks to you in Taurus. There's a special >> leaves in >> what >> I thought he leaves in >> that hashem speaks to me that when you that that it's very very deep that there's a speech that Hashem is speaking to you when >> what is the presumption that >> pain what >> why is it why you presume that means there's space there >> that's what there's no bane >> what doesn't what does bane What does that >> didn't take when there's no such thing as our dimension of space and time, right? And therefore, >> so so your your is why does it even say bane? But if it says bane, it means bane. You're asking a how it could be bane according to is going to have to answer why it says bane. But if it says bane, the par the meaning of bane is that there's a space. If it means a space, it means that they're separate. >> That means when I I I take it out that when I'm going through a hard time are hard, if if life is hard, if there's any difficulty, there's a special voice of Hashem that he's speaking to me. >> When they are together, where >> when they are together with >> So what's the saying? So you're asking me the opposite side. So I don't know if it means that he only speaks to you. You could say that's he also speaks to you, right? There could be other ways he speaks to you. But there's a powerful thing to know that there's there there's a relationship in Hashem that only comes in >> also possible like um like means not actually between them but in this like is not actually between their eyes but in a space that's That's in the middle of them. >> So what do you say? What? So what does that mean? >> They're hugging, but it's speaks speaks from >> he's bringing about the thing doesn't always mean you think it means >> doesn't mean >> No, he he's saying it doesn't have to be literally, but it's still saying the same thing. He's saying it still means the same thing is going to be between your eyes. >> No, it's going to tell you somewhere else. >> But but where between >> Okay. of bane they're hugging and he's right on top between >> but there's no between your eyes there's a space if the krum are hugging then there's no bane >> we just said bane is not really where it is it's up here >> that means it's not really there it's around it so it could also be hovering right above the proven as they're hugging >> it's hovering above the spot that's bane you're going to have to have a bane >> that's just like >> I understand but we're green and there's a bane there's a spot between all All right, I don't want to get so technical. Let's let's uh No one's biting on this this this >> what? >> Okay, good. Oh, so let's see. Is you want to chew into you want to bite into it? What do you What do you want to talk about? >> Anything? >> Everybody's uh >> What was the question Stephanie asked? You were there earlier? >> No. Do you know the question? something to do with like you know you have so much you know we're talking about what about >> what about Krom >> so much going on >> what about it >> you know trying to say you're pushing >> I'm pro yes yes what's the question >> what >> you've been doing it for 15 minutes >> yeah what what what's the question the question is you know we're trying to go reach so far out but there's so much to do so close to home You know what we say? We say uh you want to get something done, you give it to a busy person. Who says you can only do one thing at a time? Most people who are doing things are doing more than one thing at a time. In the world, the way it works is either people do nothing or do a lot of things. There's very few people doing one thing. You know, >> I hate when I'm doing two things at the same time. >> Why? Why not? >> She wants my full attention. Just trying to think like what the what what what the question is. What the question is is is is it a real question? Are they mutually exclusive? My experience is is the best way to do kroim is kokim. What any any family that invites fa people to their house it changes their shabas for their kids. It changes everything for them. To watch Yiddish kite in the eyes of someone who it's new for is is the best antidote for apathy. Reminds us of the beauty of our of our gifts. And uh I I I started yeshiva based on that principle. Well, I I was a rabbi in Pennsylvania and someone sent me relatives of theirs who were struggling in Yiddish kite and um they came they came for Shabas to my sh. They never went to shul at home anymore. They went through Torus in their lives. They I called the guy what happened is I called the guy up his brother this guy's brother-in-law up. I said uh your brother-in-law says that you're a great guy and you like adventures. I'm inviting you to come to my house for Shabas. I live in Yuppetsville and you come for Shabas to Pennsylvania and uh I don't expect you to come by yourself. Bring friends. He goes I can bring friends. I said sure bring all your friends. So they came four guys for Shabas all from guys who were offer hadn't been in shul in months. They came to my house this little out of town Shul and there they came to sh because they were the most educated people in the room. They were they were and by who didn't know anything never they were all all fry or baluva they have yeshiva these were to them and these kids came they sat by shallis they sang mismul because they knew mis and one guy even says something he remembered and the people treat them they didn't leave they came back every shabas for two months because they felt like he and I realized that for the for the for these kids off of derk the Best thing is my balabatum. My balabatim. The best thing was these kids. And it just fed each other. I said, "You know what? I'm going to open a yeshiva just on this model. I'm going to open a yeshiva in Pennsylvania. Get my balabatam involved. Let let my students see themselves through the eyes of my not from people." So the students get self-respect because all of these balabatum of mine, doctors, lawyers, they look at them with these big eyes like you're the luckiest kids in the world. teach me, educate me, they feel empowered. My balabatam feel like they're helping these kids. Everybody feels and it was an amazing place and it was uh it was it was it was hard to have yeshiva for for atrisisk kids because they do crazy things. They chopped down my neighbor's tree. Took him two weeks secretly with a little hatchet and one day the whole tree fell. Yeah, >> cherry tree >> like uh like they the crazy things and there was always alcohol after an off chavez everywhere. It killed me. I slept I slept for 5 years with my cell phone on my pillow like that's it was never uh but but it was a good the model was a good model. All those four boys who came to my house, they're all married today with beautiful children, beautiful Jewish houses. And none of them had any attention span that I ever told them any Torah. None of it came from any Tyra I told them. I don't remember even telling them any Tyra. They came because they found the place in the world where people looked at them with big eyes. And uh that changes people's lives. And uh it's a good lesson also. The greatest thing you can do for someone in the world is look at them like with big eyes. The most powerful you know the most powerful word in the entire universe is wow. You look at someone you say wow. And pick something to say wow about you did that anything. The most ridiculous thing you picked out that tie. That's amazing tie. You made that? I tested this once. You want to hear this crazy thing? I don't know if I ever said this over here with I used to tell this story. I was in a parking lot in a mall. I was sitting in my car and this guy pulls in right next to me into the spot next to me and he gets out and I saw the way he opened his door like you're really scared. Can you saw I was in the car? So you always pan with the guy in the car thinks you're going to open your door into his car. So he did it like so. And he was older than me and I was young and he was older and I just felt so guilty like why is this grown man worried like he he was living such a such a life where he's so intimidated by me like like he has to like show me that he's not touching my car. It was a sad thing for me to see. So I wanted to do I wanted to to make him like I wanted to alleviate that stress. So I I just I rolled down the window as he was doing it. I go, "That was a nice park." She looks at me like like what? So I said, "I know. I I I I I said like like I always takes me like four turns to pull on the spot. You just came right in perfect like amazing." So he looked at me like like like that's a weird thing to say like like I gave my most sincere look in the world like and he realized I wasn't messing with it. He goes, "Thank you." And then he walked into the mall and I was just m the way I watched him walk into the mall. You know what I realized? I said the most ridiculous thing in the world. Nice park. Okay, I did it convincingly. So the guy by the time the guy gets into the mall, he already convinced himself that parking is not a clean. It shows consideration. It shows skill. It shows that you're thinking your response. He's ready. When he went shopping, he picked out something for his wife. He said thank you to the cashier. He complimented thumb. It changes you. There's a balance in your step. Narish kite on a park. Created the world. He wants people to live with fire. The people who say wow the most are Hashem's biggest emissaries in the world. You light people up. You have to can't go a day without saying wow to three people. But think of a convincing wows. You'll change his world. >> That was New York, not >> Oh, the rabbitson's here. >> What? >> Uh, the whole room is waiting for you. >> Oh, >> I butchered. >> You butchered. I didn't know it. So, I made it up. >> Anything else? >> No. >> Okay. >> Thank you. >> Very good. Everybody get some sleep. >> What was the question? >> What was the question asked? >> I said and I'll tell you the question I asked. Tell me right. I said, "How do you do right?" >> It's not even that. that kovim is becoming kovokim. I mean like >> okay fair my response to him was that it's both the same time that when you the best thing you can >> one of the biggest the best thing >> the best thing you can do >> here of isoken >> is that when you have when you have by your shabas table it'll change your family you you'll you'll remind you of how beautiful Shabas is you you live through the reflection in their eyes of what Shabas means to them and you remind >> come the more it see beautiful beautiful yes I agree with you 100%. After that panel situation, someone came over to me. They're like, I don't think they understood your question. And so, she reiterated it. And she said that in the school that her kids are in, they were advised to stop doing Kiraov and leave it to the professionals. But it's coming from a place of fear >> because the exposure that could be at the table to the kids >> and the example that I like And the example that I like to give >> that's a different question that's a question of what of what are you exposing your kids to that dependure is there >> that depends on your kids depends on kids depends on some kids some kids are there are kids who just by nature feel like everything everybody has things they don't have and they always look at everyone else's toys and they don't like their toys. a kid like that, you bring in a fryer. Let me say this. You bring in a kid like that and he's gonna get harmed. But some kids, they they rise to the challenge of giving them a job. We're going to have Chabas guests. Show them how beautiful Chabas is. And the kids aren't as you have to know who your kids are. You know, >> and the age >> the the example the example that I actually just spoke with somebody who also caught on. I just had a good conversation with my mother um about this is that when my started learning Gamara. We went to go visit Biamosha's grandfather, his grandparents, and he said, "What's it been up to?" I said, "Oh, he just started learning Gamarra." I said, "What's he learning?" I said, "Braos." He said, "They're still failing the system." He said, "When?" He said, "I thought for so many years with Torah that they should not switch from Baba Matia or whatever it is to braos because they're coming from a place of fear." So, Let's teach them when's the right time to say to make sure that they seem and what time and whatever, but how to be a mench in the today's world because they see the kids are going off then he's like they're still they're still in the cycle of the problem. They're not >> I'm not I don't understand anything. I didn't understand the whole things. You you brought you went to somebody and you said to them that they're learn your son's learning braas and he got upset >> the proper order of the garumar that start there's things in there that there you know they don't think the kids are ready for it to learn >> not that they're ready for learn >> they go to the start of >> as opposed to what is the first >> giving them the real >> usually usually you learn first no >> right right >> which is so what this school is doing Many schools, >> many schools, most the curriculum >> usually they do first >> you start they start. Is that how it works? >> Not so much. Not so much because it's coming from a place of fear. >> Well, who who made up that reason? Such a negative take on it. I don't think that entered anyone's mind at any school. Whoever is saying this, I don't want you. Don't tell me who it is because I don't want to like talk about a live target, but whoever's saying it is >> look into the camera when you say you're watching right now. >> This is live. >> Whoever is saying it, >> this needs serious pitch. >> Like, how can you take something and just distort it and make everything evil? Like, >> what do you >> I know. I I I I >> I a broad-minded guy. Back getting back. >> Get me on track. How is it possible to see brahas or ilaments as fear? >> Anyways, forget that. >> What are they afraid of? What are they afraid of exactly? >> What? >> What are they afraid of? >> They're doing brahas because they're scared of almentsus. >> They're they're saying broccolas because they're afraid that the kids are going off the so if they learn I never learn. I have no desire to learn. >> But what what's the fear? They're learning because why? because it so that they know when they're supposed to say shama and ruff and what I don't know what the word learn but whatever it is they're learn they're doing that so if you constantly like a robot put it in their mind and you're just like constantly like mushing this idea in your head as opposed to how to be a mench in today's world >> this this person needs to come to a kira weekend >> this person did kov his entire life no What are you? No, no, no, no. I don't think he's saying about that person. >> Yeah, I'm saying the person who told you this this rant. >> I It's It's It's No, it's it's it's it's clearly it's clearly what's going on. >> No, it's nothing to do with that. No one's learning a limit or or or because they're scared of something. >> Redirect the whole >> I completely disagree with you. Oh, good. >> What's the difference between the two of them? The kids are learning. They have no idea. It's so not that's what is about. The kids are learning both cases things that are not so to them. They're learning how to think. They're learning how to what is none of this is about muser. It's not about self-development. They're not trying to kill 14 stones with one bird. Whatever. It's late. Um, but that's not what's going on. Why would someone look at it and assume that the Hanas of Yeshivas are failing Klas? And it may be true, but they're seeing shadows. This is not the case to rant for that rant. You want to rant? There's enough stories to rant about. >> Give me more. >> But this is not the rant. >> I I'm not here to rant. I'm not here to rant because I I know that I I understand with my own journey. >> You know what the secret of being successful with your son is or anyone's son or my son or anyone's son is whatever your school does. >> You say you say that's amazing. You're so lucky. When I was in yeshiva, we never got to do things like that. You are so lucky. You rebum are so smart and your rebay care about you and just >> we live in a generation where they see right through the sheer >> if the parents are are are trying to be their their uh their x-ray vision. First of all, I don't know the sheer >> I I don't see the sheer. I see the best human beings I've ever seen rebellions today. There was a time we had old people who were burnt out. Today the yeshivas every rabbis >> my son has had has been very lucky to have amazing rebu. >> Oh, >> the problems. >> So, where does the bitterness come from? >> It's not it's not bitterness. It's it's it's it's like a contradiction of of like it's becoming us against them again. There's it's it's it's the system is is still dividing. How >> how with um with >> all they want Rebi goes to work every day. You know what he has one goal? >> Yeah. >> He wants his parents to have from these kids. >> What? >> Every every there >> the saying the >> rebies. >> The rebi has a a every day when he goes in what's That's that's that's their nas. So they want that to be the parents nas also. >> I want I want a mensh. >> I want a match. >> You'll be lucky that you're >> he has the most I'd be thrilled. >> And you know how that's going to happen? If you tell your kid that he should use his rebby as a role model because the most un person the 10 most biggest un of them you know are probably your kid's last 10 rebay or he didn't have 10 yet the next six and the four he had you you meet rebum have you met a bad >> I've I've met some rebellum that have a lot of their own inner work to do >> everybody has their own inner work >> 100% but it's been >> a lot of inner work to do >> could grade them. Can we grade them based on your neighbors? Okay, your neighbors and the rebby. Let's grade them on the curve. In the neighborhood, would you would you not concede that the healthiest, most happy, secure, humble, caring people are the rebay your kids have had so far? For the most part, >> they have those qualities. >> Okay. So, what are we doing here? >> I don't know. >> I was told. >> What was the original question? >> WhatsApp. That's the problem. The problem is WhatsApp. WhatsApp. What was what was the original question? >> You don't have to bail him out of his his mistake. His He's a He's a troll. He likes to do this. He's a He believes everything. >> He's a troll. I have so much better stuff. >> He believes everything. I believe he's the biggest lover of the system. He'll he'll give his life for anybody. He likes to stir the pot. He's He's shleing you into his pot stirring and you're being a good wife and you're taking him you're taking her. >> Okay. Okay. Listen. >> The question is Listen. Listen. I know I know both of you for I know both of you for many years. Neither one of you is being well described by these questions. They're they're betraying. If I was taking a fa person and I wanted to expose people with a positive image of Yiddish kite, I would send them to you guys. But you're making it sound like you're full of anger and bitterness. It's the system. >> You're not accurately describing your own viewpoint. >> No. No. What she's what she >> unless something traumatic happened in 6 months since I seen you last. This is not matching who I know. >> It's not anger and bitterness. It's >> frustration. >> She sees the 1% of stuff that's going on and it's not becoming 1%. >> Every disappointment. >> Are you Are you poisoning her? What are you doing? >> No. Everybody else is >> the uh I'm actually defending her right now. Every time something happens, the next generation something happens and the buck are doing something different or the kids going off the dera has another another challenge and another addiction another something then the system reacts to it and tries to deal with it. There's not enough proactiveness and there's not enough of the system. >> Why are you twisting? >> There's not enough of the system acknowledging that there's a problem and doing anything about it. Why are you twisting Why are you twisting yourself in a knot to find something negative to say about the system? >> I'm not. >> You just You're just You're just going to You don't need You don't have to like support all the chiropractors in like wherever you live. Like >> I do not rubbing my shoulders. I'm like I'm not going to tell Michael Con. >> Michael Con's your chiropractor? >> No, he's very good buddy. >> I love him. I love him. He's the best. He's the best. He's the best. Michael, if you're watching, >> we're going to jump. >> Show your business card. You have a business card. >> Michael saying the camera come today. >> That's the biggest cure right there. If you do that, >> not every has nothing to do with with any there's no conspiracies down like Candace Owens. The Candace Owens of the Yeshiva system. What are we doing? They're a bunch of caser rebum. Anyone know politics? Whatever. >> I I No, I don't. >> Good. Okay, Evansson, you're the best. This is not better. I would not knowing this information, but like I it's it's not that I I it's agree with you and that's okay. Like it's just like I'm saying that like there is there Kesani wouldn't exist. There's these these things they wouldn't be Kesher Navi exists. >> There wouldn't be people at Torto getting up and being so passionate about sharing uh you know the realities of what's going on in the world. >> Kesha Navi exists because Arail is so concerned about all the tar that we're willing to invest millions of dollars and weekends to help people who are who need help. We're on our game. We're doing crazy things. Why are we spinning every hat? Does anyone say that hat is evil? because they're they're uh >> I know someone who called it. So >> what you're right you're right. So you're right every sing miss. >> I'm not I'm not >> I don't know everything. >> I'm not saying that and that's not my >> and there's listen there's always going to be flaws. There's going to be politics and who gets into salah. There'll be there'll be I don't know. Did Miss Askim ever declare someone dead when they weren't dead yet? I don't know. But everyone could be messing up somewhere. But that's not what to focus on. Look at the amazing stuff. Like why >> my sons rebe are amazing. That doesn't mean that there isn't that there aren't flaws. God bless you. >> Okay. >> Yas are not. >> But you know you know who you know who's the first people who want to hear your list of flaws? You're obey him. every they're not going to stop. They want to hear what they can do better. These people are are the yeshivism today is so amazing. You know what I think everyone's like the monsters and make us you know that in in in in the in Lakewood every single grade has its own man. >> That's amazing. That means there's a person who is like because >> so good for them too. That means that you know how on their game they are. They're they have a guy who's in charge of fifth grade boys. He has to know fifth grade boys like nobody in the world knows. You your kid is getting such specialized. >> They still don't get >> what >> they still don't get. >> Nothing's perfect, but that means you're trying to get him a principal for a grade. Someone whose entire job is fifth grade. When I went to yeshiva, it was one guy from nursery to 8th grade. How good how good could he understand? >> Yeah, but how many kids are there? >> I I I it might be the same amount of kids all together. I don't know. That's that's a fair point. But but I I would rather it's not about the kids exclusively. It's about the range. Somebody who has 500 kids of one age, 5, that's that's an improvement. It's a it's a great improvement. >> Firefly effect ripple. You you create you nothing's perfect. No system's perfect. You try to touch anything, >> you create waves and ripple off. >> But who is helping anybody by by pandering to people's tightness? What am I doing? I could tell you like give you they say like, "Oh, yeah." And you'll feel so empathized with what's the goal. You don't need I'm not You don't need me to be a therapist. >> I don't know. I have one. >> Um it's that's Yeah. No, I think it's >> So what's wrong? We care too much. >> That's amazing. But if you care so much, then you I should be hearing 90% pride and nas in the system and 10% worry about the problems. But I'm all I'm hearing is the 10% of worried about the problems. >> Sounds like my kids. >> What? >> That's all they hear. drink. >> Alissa, what are you saying? >> I'm saying it's 237. Yes, he's not here to tell you that you're off the hook, but you're off the hook. >> Anyways, you guys are the best Kira couple. I hope still like that on Sunday. You're not like uh we have to like have to look crazy over here and like uh >> that's issue right there. We're going to do both. Do both. >> Yeah, it's um >> it's over, baby. Cut the feet. >> Congressional refugee. >> Yeah. What do you want to talk about before we go? >> I walked in the middle. I don't know what >> Okay. So, what do you want to do? >> System. You know, every every from conversation ends up going back to the system. >> I think that it's mostly >> I'm the biggest I was always a rebel. I was always a rebel, but the older I get, the more I buy into the system. >> I took my son to one of the yeshivas to look at for high school. And when I didn't say a word, I didn't say a word. We got into the car. I asked him what his experience was. I wanted to hear from him first without any emotions for me. And It's like well in the system we take pride in the system of our buck and the buck in the system and they learn the system because that's the system of the buck and the system that's that's there there's more to a child than than or other school you went to their career is our business. Like it's the same idea just a different you know but it it it >> we're losing we're we're trying to find the soul of of the raok yet the ko like we're losing the soul. >> The best thing you could do for your kid is to be unified with all the people in his life who are trying to help him. >> That's you got to do. >> That's what we do. That is what we do. It's not I listen the yeshivas I my mother was old school and she always sided with the with the with the yeshiva against me >> the same way >> and and it was the best thing >> it was the best thing >> I think so >> I I wasn't happy with it you know says most amazing thing in such a to me he says that let's say a mother had a hard day and she's yelling at the son and maybe she's getting carried away. Maybe she even hit him, let's say. And the father comes home from work and the kid looks at him and the kid is crying. And the father realizes the mother overreact and the kid didn't do anything wrong. He says like the worst thing would be for the father. You know what the father's job is? The best thing he could do might be overstating what he says. The father has to yell at the kid about the same thing because the kid would rather get yelled at by both parents and to think his parents are on a different page. You're doing more trauma to the kid by fighting with his mother than by you can smack the kid for something he didn't do wrong. Let him get double smack for something that you yourself realize he didn't do because he needs them both on the same page. Now, of course, it's not anywhere near the same degree when parents and the school are on different pages, but the healthiest thing you can do for your kids is all the people in charge of to have a united front and the kid should know everyone together. When the kid detects the slightest bit of friction between his parents and the yeshiva, most likely he's going to side with the parents and he's going to hate the system. >> So, and but we all do that. We all get upset by systems and we say the wrong thing. So you can dig you can dig out of that and repair it. But we're not married. We life is children are durable and you can they can fall downstairs and not and and and pick themselves up. They can recover a lot easier from these kind of things. So like we can mess up and I can lose my anger out of panah and say something and I don't have to be married to that. Tomorrow I can say they're the best school and my kid will hear their best school. But if you can get to a place where you your kid sees the united front, that's the best thing you can do for him. He does, >> but he's not going to make fun of Zan Hala if he doesn't feel like that's what you want him to do. He's taking care of mommy. >> What do you mean? >> If the kid comes back from a hair and he he does like that eye roll, they you know, and like uh they they say the system and the and the yeshiva needs you to whatever you were describing. That's what you heard. He's saying that because he feels like he can get away with saying that or he he's probably a very cool sharp kid and uh a cool sharp kid. >> Meet him. >> What? >> You ever meet him? >> I don't know. >> You hide him from me like that wouldn't be a bad idea. But going to corrupt him with these questions and answers we do over here. But uh but but I would love to meet him. But he's obviously a cool sharp kid. cool, sharp kids, parents have to know that that don't is that that is the greatest gift. And it's it's als it's it's like really sharp knives. You can cut amazing things and you can hurt your fingers sometimes. So, you have to be really really careful with kids who are sharp that you you you you don't encourage them to use that sharpness against their teammates. Let him listen to Candace Owens and let him let let him sharpen his knives against anti-semites and then he won't have to do it against his manal. He needs a place to use his knives. Show him some anti-semites. >> The beauty is that he didn't do anything. That that's the the way that I know that I'm doing a good job and that Ben is doing a good job is that he didn't sharp his knives against or he sees that there are he sees that humans are humans and I see that too. That's why like there's some there's some teacher or he's had >> but that humans are humans is already a phrase that is that is trying to to be gracious about flaws. That's that's that's a very adult thing that that shouldn't be a high school suga. There should be an innocence here and it shouldn't be like why is it already so confrontational and and and and I don't know the situation. I don't know the situation. I don't know anything. But and this happens to be one of the hardest stages in life is is is finding a high school. It's like >> you know with success that the different community grows. These are problems that happen and and schools are full and it becomes you know this is why people become communists. People hate capitalism. It creates problems and com but communism is more destructive and uh so before we before we start >> I don't know how we got put involved. >> I feel like there's so many options out there. It's not so that's the way it works in a world with capitalism is that is that it's competitive and everyone's fighting in capital in communism everybody gets a job but it nobody's competent the whole thing fails in in in when the yeshiva system we were broken we had nothing so every yeshiva was fighting for kids everyone everybody was a gift and everybody was a hero it's very hard today because we're not heroes all the yeshivas are so sustaining and it's successful and it's hard to get in. Everybody wants their kids to get into the best yeshiva and it ends up being very traumatic for kids and it's I I think that there probably should be courses in eighth grade given to parents of how to steady the ship during this search because a lot of people get >> No, they did not. I just sent this. I just sent this to somebody I was talking to. I'm like, you know nothing. And then all of a sudden they're like, hey, so this is what's going to happen. This is the deal. And you're just like, ah. And you're dealing with it. It's like, ah. It's like, what's going to happen? >> But they the school >> this should be talked about in seventh grade already. You should be forewarned. When this stuff happens, you should know what's going to happen. >> But they probably are. This is you'll see over the years that that speech that they gave you will become four sessions or five sessions. But right now, they're already giving a speech. It's a bigish to to orient parents to how to do this >> in all the schools in our community >> because people are just starting to be aware of how of how how parents how parents are mis are are you know how how people are are are re reacting in in the little not necessarily the most constructive ways to the friction of this struggle. We're just first of all though the whole friction is only a few years old in the getting into schools. It's a pretty relatively new phenomena. >> Those are all just subcategories. Whether it's school, whether it's whether it's Yam, whether it's whatever it is, like those are all these are all just sub categories. I think of >> different schools, different places. That's not >> we let me say this. Hey y it's very important not not to subject our children to our our resentments because kids want to make their parents happy and you can make your why do we have to sabotage our kids innocence and joy and and and and let them feel like they're they have to fight battles. I tell everybody like like decide which kid you're selling your kids sending your kids to and and model your house after the parent body in that school. What's so hard? You do you do you do much more ridiculous things for your kids than getting rid of a TV or putting on a different kind of shait. If that's the school that you want for your kids, don't be the rebel in the school. Be be you don't have to be the best. be above average in the parent body of the school. And if it's too hard in one school, send your kid to a different school. But send your kid to a school that you are comfortable being the above average parent. That your kid shouldn't feel like he's an alien. He should feel like he's the poster child of their organization. That's how you're setting him up for success. I moved to Lakewood. I changed so many things in my life when I gave up my community and moved to Lakewood to become more yesish because I didn't want I want to walk around with Crocs. But don't do it. >> Let's say for example, >> I'll give you give one example. I worked for Ashat. As a didn't want me wearing white shirts on campus. They don't want to scare students. They think you look too kari. It's not the battle. Wear colored shirts. I bought some I had I bought some colored shirts. I wore colors. I like something to like the colored shirts. But as I was draw when I moved to Lake when I moved to Lakewood. So then I I dislocated my my uh rotator cuff because on route nine as I'm getting close to to Lakewood I was taking off my light blue shirt that I wore in Albany and putting my white shirt back on. And it's very you can't do that while you're driving. It's a big mistake as you get older. And I I I still I cannot sleep on my left side because if I lift my arm too high, it hurts after a while because I but but I would do this every single day. I came back to Lakewood. I wanted to be wearing my white shirt. Not because I'm insecure. I'm not insecure. I love being the rebel. That's my my is that that's my most comfortable thing is standing out like a sore thumb. But I realized for the sake of my mishba my children, I'm not making drama. I'm going to be I remember being horrified when my father came to visit Yeshiv in his weird little capi in the car. You know, I'm not going to be that guy. I'm going to be Joe Lake. I am going to the BGA generic ba parent. And it takes a big person to do that. You're very big people. We do we you do you do crazier things for your kids. I promise you. And if you can't do it, then send them to the school that you could do it with. Even if it's a lower quality school, send them to the school that you could be the ideal parent in. Kids see everything. They don't want to. >> I know you do. >> So why do they have to feel like that that you're at odds with with their rebum or whatever? >> They don't. >> I don't know. So I don't know what we're talking about. The whole conversation is going over my head. Guys are very holy. You should have >> we do already. >> Amazing. And I would love to meet him. >> Come on over. >> Take him to Lakewood. >> Maybe he'll take me shooting with him. >> Has he shot already? You take him shooting? >> Yeah. >> I >> What? >> Yes, I took him with the 22 rifle. He doesn't know. He assumes there's other things, but he doesn't really know. He's never seen it. >> All right. 22 is appropriate for a high for a kid going to high school. >> Oh, yeah. >> If he had been grown up into it, it would have been a different story. He did not, you know, he was only nine or 10 the first time he came to Dallas. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> You know that story that happened when you get >> He wasn't born. He wasn't He wasn't born. His rattle wasn't like uh explosive. Wasn't Wasn't >> No, the little one already got the pistol. She There goes >> You should see his daughter. >> Yeah, >> she she has an Walmart gun. >> I know that story with the driver did not happen in Texas because in Texas you said, "Oh, nice parking." Like New York is like, "Why are you talking to >> All right.