Proactive Chinuch 5783 Rabbi Yehoshua Lustig

good evening Welcome to our proactive Clinic event thank you everybody for being here and for being here on time and for coming out for your child and for our talmudum tonight's event was titled proactive important conversations to have with your bar mitzvah Bahar before camp tonight's presentation will be divided into two there will be a 15-minute haktama about proactiveness followed by Robbie sternberg's presentation which is titled how to prepare your bar mitzo buffer from its transition from child to man on your way in I hope you got a water bottle I hope you put your name in the raffle and you took a handout and if you didn't do any of that you could do it now or later whenever that suits you so to talk about proactiveness I wanted to share there's a three-page letter of the English letter to Mr and Mrs Michelle Mayer goldhurst they live in Melbourne Australia and I believe they're alive and well and in the tuftion mems believe where's the date yes they were very well to do and perhaps they still are and I believe so and they wanted to do a considerable contribution and to make an impact and they had this idea that they were going to sponsor a children's hospital very noble cause in Crown Heights they're going to build a children's hospital and of course they ran this idea by the river and the rebel apparently based on the letter there was a phone conversation about it through mascaras or the rib himself I'm not sure it says here that I can made over the phone but here's a three-page letter in English that I'm not going to read the whole thing where there ever lays out his vision his opinion of what they should do with the money and the rabbit actually did not want them to build a children's hospital the token of the letter is the end of the letter is do you ever wanted them to invest their money in you know but the rabbit explains why and here's the three-page letter I won't read all of it but I'm going to read little parts that I'm skipping around firstly the rabbit says this brings me to the question of how to best use your kind contribution in accordance with your intention like their intention was that like a children's hospital right help the kids and be there for them and give them all the support they need so I'm skipping a little so the rabbit continues as follows the connection between Medical Science and Allah is already inherent in Torah itself as our sages declare the Torah brings your food to the world the meaning of it is not that the Torah negates Medical Science in any way on the contrary the terror declares that in matters of Health it is necessary to consult a physician and follow his instructions at the same time not forgetting of course that the true healer is Hashem and the physician is no more than the agent of the Healer of All Flesh who work wondersly lasses and the rabbit continues here's one of the punch lines in medical science there are two basic areas of approach a therapeutic medicine and B preventative medicine the first deals with medical disorders brought to the physician's attention for actual treatment the second which has been gaining an incredibly greater role in modern times is to attain the highest possible level of Public Health through the prevention of sickness by such methods as vaccinations public and personal hygiene wholesome diets and by various other ways and means needless to say while there is no getting away from the need for therapeutic medicine preventative medicine is ideally the more desirable method in the long term it is surely more desirable goes on to explain how there's less cost than preventative medicine less pain and preventative medicines no surgeries there's no you know horrible treatments which save lives but it's it's you know not so easy to go through them I'm going to skip some parts I'm going to read the skip two paragraphs thus when our sages declare that the terror brings our food to the world it refers not only to spiritual health but also to the plain physical and mental health as well indeed so we find explicitly in the Divine promise in the Torah if you will diligently hurt him to the voice of Hashem your God we will and you will obey his Commandments and keep all of his statutes none of the diseases will I put on you last year is here is a clear assurance that the Taira and the Mitzvahs are the real preventative refua moreover while the terror is the most effective preventative medicine is it also the most Pleasant one as it is written its ways are the ways of pleasantness and all of its paths are peace and it's again it's a three-page letter I'm gonna stop right there but really when I read this letter it's a very powerful letter I refer to this letter every once in a while and when I read this letter the rep is basically saying two major points I think the way I see it I hope I get it right one major point is the rep is saying that prevention is way better than therapeutic medicine like let's deal with the problem in advance let's prevent it it's just it's healthier it's easier it makes more sense it's it's called it's cheaper it's less painful and of course the main part of his letter is is that what's the true prevention for actual physical and mental health it's the tire itself and the rep explains that if you get the chicane that's a Kosher diet and it follows the tiramitous that will actually impact him begashmias will impact in magashmi is how he grows up to develop into the healthy person that he will be and it's his mental health and his physical health so there's two major parts one is that the Toyota is not just spiritual when you're going to keep the tire on its face it has a real impact in your actual health but there's another main message that the rep is giving in this letter is the impact of being preventative and that's the ideal method versus therapeutic medicine when you have a diagnosis you have an issue and you're going to a doctor for treatment and that's really the title of today's event and um you know we're big Believers in in this idea of proactive kind of a preventative you know I once attended here in Crown Heights one of the many beautiful organizations that we have here in Crown Heights I once attended a event as I tried to whenever I'm available for all these different beautiful events and one of them was called Suicide Prevention courts and was in razak ballroom and I went to it and I don't remember who said this vart but I remember hearing the vote from the presenter and and it struck me and it stuck with me and the presenter now the course in short spoke about Islam if there's somebody suicidal how do you know if their attack is suicidal like are they just saying it are they joking are they looking for attention or is it real like there's a way to find that out and that's what the course was about and also like what do you do like who do you call what do you do okay so how you lacio should never be in that position but the presenter rightfully declared at his own presentation he said today's presentation is mislabeled suicide prevention is not the right name for tonight's course or today's course it's actually a morning suicide tonight's course should have been called suicide intervention it's too late you have a guy by the gate he's threatening to jump you don't know if he's kidding or not that's not Suicide Prevention that suicide intervention he's like let's not forget okay so today's course we're going to talk about suicide intervention it's important but let's not forget the real goal that we have as parents is community leaders and whoever he was speaking to our real goal is talk as Suicide Prevention and our real goal is to be mechanic healthy children and that is not by that morning's course that is by sending your boys to Yeshiva and raising them and you do all the preventative medicine if you want to call it or all the preventative measures that will then raise a healthy child we won't even get to this situation where how are you supposed to know to intervene so of course when it comes to being mechanic our children the ideal hinook is the one of prevention the idea is the one of being proactive the one where you don't even get to these situations that we need to prevent from that we need to learn from you're raising such a healthy who grows up to be such a healthy young Bucker and eventually a healthy young man healthy vegetables healthy broccolins that'll be ideal and the best way to do that is through the Yiddish through Taira Mitzvahs and of course being an excellent parent and having a real Bond and a real connection with your child but we're not going to do a parenting course now and talk about how to really bond with your child and they should feel comfortable to speak to you like there's ways how to do that but just want to mention that's ideal but I believe this is where I'm making my own I believe within the Intervention gufa when you need to intervene for a situation for a problem for a challenge with the intervention gufa remember the real prevention is to just raise a real good kennel but within the intervention goofa there is a very big difference sometimes you have to intervene in the beginning or but when the problem is about to start or you know it's about to start or didn't start yet and you have to intervene and sometimes you have to intervene last or mice after the person is already suffering from whatever the issue is at hand like the river says there's no getting away from therapeutic medicine there's no getting away from it but within therapeutic medicine itself how much better would it be if we if we intervene immediately or if you intervene much later down the road so tonight's event is specifically for fathers of seventh grade and why so bhaktamba I'll say a quick word on the power show very quick The Mirage limb were sent on a mission lossless the spider Israel and they have to check it out and they were supposed to come back and give a report and they did exactly that so what was the hat to Miracle what did he do wrong what did America do wrong when they came back they gave their their assessment they gave their analysis they wrote it they submitted their report back to headquarters that we believe we can't conquer this land we're not going there we saw this we saw that it's not going to happen this is what we believe what was the mistake so the mistake was very short The Mirage limb were never sent on a mission if the yiddin should go to arjun's role it was never about if they even needed to go there too strong that was a shrim's mission that's what we had to do to give us the tire in the mid bar in order to take us into Saul which is the only place in the world you can be Makai in all 613 misses they were never asked if we should go there to Israel that wasn't the question they were only asked the how question how should we go to our juice roll okay so we have to go in let's go let's make a battle plan let's see what's the best way to come in there and that was the mistake of the marathon the mistake of the Mirage was that they got mixed into the if and they weren't supposed to the American were only supposed to address the how so when it comes to raising the child like they say little children uh little problems with children big problems right or when they're little you carry them in your hands and when you're older you carry them in your hearts there are certain challenges that a young buffer will inevitably face inevitably face and it's not about if that's the point it's not about if it's about when and when is that when sorry to break with you but that's right now if your town your child is completing seventh grade that's pretty much the when of all those things that are not on if all those things that are not maybe going to happen and I'll read you a little list soon and I don't mean to scare it or overwhelm anybody here but there are a lot of challenges out there you know it just as well as I do and when does it happen no not when they're in Pre 1A and not when they're in third grade and not when they're in fifth grade maybe six maybe seventh maybe eighth so if your child is finishing seventh grade and he's about to go spend two months in Camp away from you in seventh grade this is the win and anything that needs an intervention from your part this is the time you have to act now and that's my main message for you tonight and and I strongly believe I strongly believe and there's there's research out there with the numbers and I don't know how they make up those numbers but it's not about the numbers I don't I don't care about the research out there it's Common Sense we strongly believe that if there are certain challenges out there that you will and again this is assuming you have a good connection with your son and you're a good father and you have good enough going on and you will address it and have an open conversation and talk about it with your child the chances that when your son will inevitably encounter that challenge that'll be successful that'll have the strength to overcome that challenge goes up like like this much whatever the number is 50 60 80. it's a certain number it's not going to be 100 but it's going to go up by a lot and vice versa vice versa if there are certain challenges that your son will inevitably encounter very soon this is the age for all these coming challenges then if you didn't speak to your son about it the chances that he will not have the kayak to overcome and to resist that Temptation or that challenge or that whatever it may be there's chances to build my time so therefore tonight's event about proactive hinook is not to scare anybody not to tell you if it's your oldest child yes the honeymoon is over you know but raising the little kids you have a big buffer now in your house for many of you it's not your your oldest child but for even if it's your third or fourth or fifth child we need to recognize that a talmud who's finishing seventh grade he's going to go for two months now in the summer he's going into Keith this is when it's time to speak about all these things and there's no doubt in anyone's mind that if you speak about it the chances of us being more monthly go way up whatever that number is and if we don't speak about it they go way down now of course even if you speak about it from today to tomorrow there's children who are still fall and we need Seattle this Maya we have to Daven for that as well and it could be you're lucky you don't speak about it and you're on autopilot and your kids are good kids and you don't speak about it your son is uh top-notch facility and he resists all these things that's beautiful but but why take the chances why take the chances the preventative way and the only the little time will take for you and your wife to sit down and speak to him and to reiterate some points now is much more worth it than thousands of dollars that will need to be spent later on all different types of interventions whatever that particular challenge may be and to be more specific I'm referring to alcohol I'm referring to internet I'm referring I'm only going to say this list once but my main message was what I already said but it's about these topics alcohol internet social media from internet smartphones which is social media and internet all-in-one mobile private also big issue vaping vaping is big now in Crown Heights amongst the teens a lot of vaping going on go to Lefferts Park vaping smoking and drugs and you all like to believe not my child and Mr Sam but imagine if you spoke to your child I remember when I went into my sister I went into my first farming my father spoke to me about the fact that mascism and that besides for the rep is there he made his own xeron me a little stricter than four and I kept it because I was a good boy I wanted to please my father I had their hair it's for him and I kept it and a sure basements I've had friends getting drunk and I didn't I'm thankful to my father till today so there's no doubt in my mind that if you're going to speak to your child about the outcall the internet the social media the smartphones The Vaping the smoking the drugs these things every child of the your son's age is going to hear about this in Camp this summer oh it's inevitable and if it's not this summer it's in eighth grade and must I say most of your sons already heard about most of this they probably already saw kids vaping their age or maybe a year older than them and they already maybe once out of bar mitzvah took the beer or a little bit of matcha and you just don't know and I don't know but it might have happened because if I knew I would call you but but these things happen and some of these topics happened already on the smartphones and the social media and the internet which is a whole other topic it's happening already that starts already in sixth grade so this is the when it's not the if and it's now and then there's the topic which I didn't list which is the topic of inyani kadusha which is the topic that Rabbi sturmeric will present about tonight and on that topic Alma any must be speak to your bottom you speak to or therapists that are dealing with people who are never deep in trouble later on they'll say but one of the best ways to help the children is not the filters that you have later or the the the anything else that happens later it's already a bit too late the best thing that we could do is if we talk to our children about it before it develops into an issue and that's why we have tonight's event proactive enough part two with Ravi Sternberg Robert presented last year and there was amazing reviews I I want to say that a must be a missifter alitara when he heard about this event last year and he deals with bathroom or are struggling with inyani kadusha different types and Robbie Stone will talk more about it and he told me that he always asks the bathroom like when did you you know sink into this like when did this start and he also bought from 101 and this is not the prevention that's the the who's doing the what the rabbit refers to hear the therapeutic medicine that comes later and he said 99 of the time is what he told me I I believe that's an exaggeration but he was bringing out a point to me he said 99 of the time the Tommy them will answer seventh grade summer he said our counselors think that they put us into bed and they did lights out they stayed there for 20 minutes and then they need to go to their staff Lounge the second they walk out of the bunk house some lights go on reading lights or whatever and everybody has a conversation until two three in the morning and this is what gets spoken about there's always the kid in the bunk knows more than everybody who educate a big problem in the Summers and we can't fix the Summers but we could try to help our own children so that's what he told me additionally this year's event when it was being advertised so there's a younger man does not want me to use his name but I got permission to read his text word for word he said don't use my name he was actually my Tom in here like my first year being principal which was 13 years ago and now he's like uh 25 or something and he's married son of China and he was the head counselor for a lot of years and one of the popular camps here and he saw the the thing and he forwarded me the message and he wrote his followers I'll read for you he wrote wow as a head staff member for four Summers over hundreds of seventh eighth graders and investigating the situations and camps I think that a lot of damage happens in the camps in these two grades referring to seventh and 8th I have interviewed a handful of campers that are now older about their past experience and they all told me that they were educated by campers in one way or another and before I call up Robert Sternberg just to hopefully make a home run on this nakuda I wanted to ask for a very mental climate who's a social worker in our division who works with Tommy them who are ready maybe deep into certain problems or not so deep but already struggling to give his perspective about this so the difference of the before and the difference of the after and hopefully for most of you your children are in the before and this is the time and it's not too late and your son is going to camp in two weeks and you have you have 13 days to meet sashem hopefully get this done so Robin Mandel climb in followed by Rabbi shlomi Sternberg