Powerful message from Rabbi Anava from his journey of becoming Torah Observant

but i found myself back in new york in a very difficult situation and a friend of mine told me why don't you come tonight in the city in eschatora there's a party you know relax a little bit you know maybe he'll meet somebody so he slaps me into the city and we're going into a big room like this there's a band playing and music and and i really didn't feel like being in that party and i felt very awkward just getting up and leaving so i was sitting in one place you know putting on a fake smile and then i moved to the next chair you know putting on a bigger fake smile it slowly slowly moved myself closer to the door and when the time was right i ran out of the door but my intelligence was very bad instead of running out of the building i ran into the show so i'm going into the show stands a rabbi long table maybe 30 people around the table and the rapper tells me come come we're about to start the class and in my mind i'm like how am i getting out of that and i'm like no no it's very late i gotta go home the rob is telling me come come come we're about to start you didn't miss anything and in my mind i'm like grace i'm stuck with this guy he puts me right next to him the guy opens up his mouth and i was hypnotized i never heard torah in my life it was the first story class in my life i never heard dora he just started talking i was like i couldn't believe what i'm hearing and i kept looking at the clock in the wall and i really had to be somewhere in the morning and i was like i'm never going to wake up but i can't leave comes the end of the class i walk up to the rabbi and i tell him you must be some type of a genius how do you know so many things he told me if you really enjoyed the class why don't you come next wednesday there's another one i told him you didn't cover the whole torah tonight there's more he's like yes come sure enough the next wednesday i'm first in line and the next wednesday and the next wednesday and i kept coming to his class then i became very friendly with him so one time he tells me listen i see you really enjoy what i teach why don't you come to my house every thursday night from 12 a.m all night till 6 a.m we study zohar then we go to our mikveh then we go pray shahrit and we get ready for shabbat why don't you come and join us so i told him you know what that sounds like an amazing plan i have nothing else to do between 12 a.m to 6 a.m every thursday night my calendar is totally open so sure enough i go to his house and exactly how he says the whole night they studies are and all that he's talking about is all sorts of spooky things and spiritual worlds and angels and devils and demons and souls and and everything that he says i'm like wait a minute i remember that and then he says another thing i'm like i remember that and then he says another thing and i'm like that's not how it looks so after a couple of these all-nighters i come up to the rap and i tell them you know something happened to me two years ago and i never told it to anyone and i think you are the candidate he's like wakasha come sit down tell me so i come and start telling him the whole story now he wasn't patient like you he was like no no no no comes the end he's looking at me with his piercing eyes and he's telling me sugar are you crazy i'm like no this guy thinks i'm crazy and he's telling me are you crazy god did such a miracle and you're not doing nothing he flipped out he freaked out he rips my shirt out of my pants you know what he said he freaked out you have to learn torah what are you doing you have to go to ishiba he freaked out the next day six o'clock in the morning he takes me to manzi knocks on the door of the shiva he pushes me in don't get out of here i told him relax i'm going in three months pass i'm still waiting for him to come three months pass i'm a hundred percent religious from top to bottom i look up to the sky and i tell my father in heaven first part of the deal now now comes the second part of the deal so i go to big rabbi and i tell him listen it's very embarrassing but this is the resume what do i have to do he's like okay whatever you stole you have to give back i'm like no seriously he's like whatever you stole you have to give back tell me you're out of your mind i don't know but what do you mean i have to give you back he's like so what did you steal i told him okay let's say i stole that he's like so give it back to the person you stole it from i told him that was 15 years ago he's like okay so how much is it worth i told him yeah i i don't know a hundred dollars he said okay so take the hundred dollars and give it to that person i don't mind i'll never find that person he's like okay so take the hundred dollars and give it to charity and then he tells me if you cheated in business you owe that person money go find that person you owe money if you're insulting somebody go and go and apologize and it gives me a whole list of things to do so a few months passed from that day i meet my wife a few months passed from that day we get married a few months passed from that day we have a baby well not a few it was nine but even though my wife would want it to be a few but it was nine so nine months later we have a baby so i look again up to the sky and i tell my father in heaven two parts of the deal no now comes the third part now start telling it to people it was very hard for me to start telling it to people so in the beginning you only would tell it in the shiva so i had a very good crowd because i come to affirm everything that they learned i was the star of the yeshiva and the thing is that i would tell it in the yeshiva everybody would get excited there was one rabbi in the shiva that i would sit with him and i would tell him detail after detail after detail and every detail that i would tell him he would tell me wait a minute he would go to the wall to the bookshelf pull out a gemara open the command tells me look what you saying is written here and then i will tell him another thing he would pull up as well it opened up and tell me look what you're describing is written here so in the beginning i had a very good crowd but then i had to tell it to normal people so i got my first gig in some shul in brooklyn some israeli show blood thirsty israelis hashem they did not give out tomatoes in the entrance if they had about to throw at me they would throw it at me the whole night they're yelling at me you liar get out of here you brought this nutcase here the whole night they're yelling at me bashing me making fun of me and i'm like standing should i continue should i stop what should i do and they're making fun of me and joking and in my mind i'm like that's what i'm gonna have to go now to the rest of my life comes the end of the lecture from like 99 people there was one guy at the corner schwitzing the whole night sweating coming to me at the end of the lecture shivering he tells me i believe every word you said what do i have to do he said oh 99 wanted to kill me one got the point that's enough so i started going for months stroll to another shelter another yeshiva to another place and i would come and give a seven hour lecture telling every little detail and they thank you very much and go home and five years ago something happened that totally changed everything one day out of the blue with no preparation with no warning my very healthy young brother-in-law goes out for a jog gets a heart attack dies on the spot my sister calls me from israel tells me the news i hop on the plane from the plane to the cemetery i walk into the room where they clean the body i walk in i see my sister crying i see the body on the table i pull out a book of teleme out of my pocket and i start reading the dealing and i'm looking at the book but i'm looking at the body and i'm looking at the book looking at the body look in the book and then i was like wait a minute he's on the ceiling he hears my telling he sees my sister crying he knows what i have for breakfast he's on the ceiling like i like i was and he hears everything like i heard everybody's thoughts and he's like hovering here right now and i was like wait a minute so where is he now i know where he's now now they're taking him there and now they're taking him here and now oh you i know he is now and then it made me realize something very very simple it made me realize that why am i even coming and telling you this entire story there's no point of telling you all the details there's a reason why i tell very little details the reason is because most people don't remember the details most people leave the room and after a week or two they don't remember nothing i meet people after a year or two on the street like hey how are you i remember you no no you're crazy right no i'm not crazy no i have some crazy story i'm like no people don't remember the details you know how many times i met a person that told me you know that my neighbor's aunt's grandson's cousin was at your lecture and heard from my neighbor's sister-in-law's husband's neighbor that you said like this and like that because i never said such a thing you know the human nature that you hear one thing and you develop your own version of it like we had a game like this when we were kids that i would tell you a story you would tell it to him and so forth and then that is a completely different story so there's no only point of telling too many details because the details are not so important what's important is a very simple detail each and every one of us has right over here an expiration date we all come down to the world with an expiration date the only problem is that we don't know it some people come for 20 years some people come for 70 years some people come for 90 years some people come from 50 years each one comes to a certain amount of time and then he leaves and the expiration date is not revealed some people they are very lucky and they get a notification or get a disease but at least they have three months dochuva how many people wake up in the morning go to work they come home car accident boom die on the spot no preparation just like that lights out story's over look at my brother-in-law he was 39 years old he didn't even say goodbye he went up for a jog he didn't say goodbye didn't do anything just like that how many people in one second lights out now what i woke up in the middle of my life 27 years old sitting in the back seat of the car now what what did i do i didn't achieve anything i messed it up how can i fix it right now the reality is that we don't realize how valuable is our life we do not live our life every second acknowledging the fact that i'm alive right now and i can do something we take our life like as if it's like a normal thing take it for granted how do i know that tomorrow is not my last day how would you behave how would you react how would you talk what would you do if today was your last day on earth what would you do your day would be completely different but how do you know nobody knows what's waiting the next day now the point is not to live your life with a cloud over you that open the door that's not the point the point is that how you live your life is what i'm how am i taking advantage of this life have an opportunity now to do something good there's two options what i can do in this world good or bad there's no power there's no middle either i do good or other no good and every second on this world every second of my life i have an opportunity to do something i was hired by the master of the universe with a job i have a job here in this world and i came to fulfill it and every day that i'm not fulfilling it i'm doing gesell to my boss and every second in this life i can do something valuable you know how i see this world now somebody comes and tells you you see that jewelry store over there they're having a sale today and it's all you can take for three hours you go in whatever you can take so one person says really i have a nice watch and then another person you tell me you'll be like oh okay so they're going to the store and they're like okay i'll have that watch and these diamond rings and and this necklace but the third person you tell him that you know what they do they go home and they bring bags and they fill the bags full of jewelry and this is this world god puts you in this world and he tells you you have 60 years you have 70 years you have 80 years it's all free take it so some people say no thank you i'm very comfortable some people say okay so you know once a year i'll eat matzahs and once a year i'll fast and once a year i'll give my 18 to my favorite organization not that it's bad but but you know the smart part person does he says what i have here 70 years every second he grabs a diamond and another diamond and another diamond this world is full of diamonds you just need to grab them they're free you