What Nobody Tells You Before Your First Date

Hello. Hello guys. Welcome back another episode in the series of the people's podcast. That's what I call it where we just discuss random conversations and topics that people ask me about or questions that I get on the hotline. So, one of the hottest topics that I get asked about constantly um is the topic of dating relationships um everything related to that. How somebody should talk to a girl. And I feel like that in the Jewish world, in the in the non-Jewish world, there's a lot of videos and mentors and coaches and books on this topic. In the Jewish world, I feel like it's very rare or sometimes when it is uh information available out there, it's targeted to specific community, gender, age. So, I feel like I have the ability being that I dated for about 10 years and I'm now, thank God, happily happily married. I feel like there is certain things that I can share um that can be helpful not as a genius, not as an expert. I can't tell you that I've been married for 40, 50 years um and all that. So obviously I am still my own work in progress and going through life and going through my own relationship. Um, but I do feel that there is so much information that I've learned that have is that has enabled my dating process to go easier and smoother. And as well as being in a relationship and being married, um, being that I'm in a relationship almost for uh, two years and married for quite a while, over a half a year. So, I feel like that gives me a little bit of an edge in terms of helping somebody trying to get into at least this stage. Um, and that is the first thing that somebody needs in order to get into a relationship mindset or into a dating mindset or marriage mindset is to acknowledge that they are responsible for the relationship and everything that happens in that process. Um, for most people, especially growing up in a kidish community, we know that the parents are responsible for the relationship and everything that will happen, which I think can still possibly work, especially if somebody wants to get married at a very young age. Um, in which case they give the trust of the dating process to their parents. And that's beautiful. It works statistically. Um, you know, the numbers are pretty good. I don't know if these people have a really happy, fulfilled marriage. I think they do to a big extent, but that works. But once a single graduates that stage of the 18 to 21 phase, I would say, and they get a little bit older, they're now more curious, they've had more experiences in their life, and they want to get out there in the real real world. The first thing that they need to acknowledge is that they are responsible for their dating or dating game as some would say. Okay. And the reason I use the word dating game is because growing up majority of what we are taught is the opposite of dating game which is that don't talk to a girl, don't look at a girl. Um which might be helpful for a person in that stage of life um as a young teenager. But as we grow older into the ages of 18, 19, 20, 21, it is essential that you are able to look at a girl or speak to a girl because that's something that says in the Gamura that before you get married, you should look and have a conversation with a person that you are getting married to. Um, and it is very important that obviously this one decision is the most important decision in your life. So you should know what you're getting into. So those rules kind of change. Um, and that's a hard reality for a lot of people going from zero looking or talking to a girl um or boy um and then directly being told to yes look or talk with the opposite gender and especially when you acknowledge that you've graduated that average age of the shot calling you or the parents being super involved and you find yourself in a place where now you have to take charge and responsibility of your dating. So, taking responsibility is a big one. As I was saying, the first thing is to take responsibility and acknowledge that nobody's coming for you. I I I can't stress enough on this one factor which I speak to so many singles ages 23 24 or sometimes 26 27 or sometimes 35 or 40 and they still have this mentality of yeah I'm staying traditional somebody will call me I don't have options there's nothing that I can do in that mentality I I happen to agree there's nothing you can do like and nothing and nothing will happen. You know, there is there is one one thing like trusting in Hashem that that it will all happen, but there's another thing you consciously ruining it. And when I say you ruining it, I mean by if your only route to getting engaged is waiting for a shot at the age of 35 when clearly you are not on anybody's list anymore is just completely unrealistic. Like it's it's just completely I feel like that sends a message to Hashem. I'm not interested. So I think that the bare minimumas that a person can do is to acknowledge that they should do hashtadlas. So whether it means yes calling a shhatan, calling a family friend, um going to a dating event, putting themselves out there um in so many different ways that are still kosher or a little bit out of the box so that you can get married. Let's focus on the ultimate goal. Your ultimate goal is to be in a relationship to get married because you think that that's the productive thing to do because Hashem said we should get married. So taking responsibility is step number one. Another big step is to do the proper research about yourself because it's impossible to get married to somebody else before you know yourself, your needs, your what's important to you, what works for you, what kind of person do you want do you want to be with. And when we focus on ourselves, even the dating process becomes a lot easier because now the focus is not necessarily on the other person. The focus is on you. The focus is how does that how do I feel when I'm with that person or what can I bring to that person as a value for a lifetime. So that is very very helpful for you to be dating. And finding ourselves is super important. So many people think that they know themselves but in reality they don't. They are constantly distracted, full of trauma, full of triggers, and they can really use um therapy to get them through um to just to get them through the day. And just like you understand that no girl or boy wants to go out with a girl or boy who is not healed, who is not okay, who is childish, who is uh who who is not mature. So the first thing to do is you alone should become mature um educated responsible um healthy u whether it's physically healthy or mentally healthy emotionally healthy spiritually healthy like this you are able you are capable to get out there in the dating world and yes when you meet somebody that person can also help you with the journey but you're doing 90 90% of the work. Another thing is after knowing yourself is to know what it means to date. I feel like this is so important. People that either they don't know themselves or even once they do know themselves, they have no idea what dating means. So they're out there guessing. They're hoping in a sense they're hoping that the shhatan will call them with a shid or some opportunity randomly comes up. But when that opportunity comes to them, they have no idea what to do. So it's a big struggle. you know, how how how can you be ready to date if you don't know what you're going to do on the date? So, I very much believe in attracting certain things in life. How can you attract a date if you're not ready to date? If I bring you a girl tomorrow and you don't know where to take her, what to do, what to say, what resonates with a woman, what makes her feel special, why should I even bring you a girl to go out with? And that also applies, by the way, for your friends and thehatam. They hear you speaking on the phone and when you tell them I need a I need a how desperate people sound very often their instinct is to just not bring you a um and I say this because many of these things are things that I've struggled with with the past. I've struggled with knowing myself before getting into thinking I'm ready. I've struggled with having no idea what it means to date a person and understanding what what's important to a girl and still going out with them. um to the point where I said let me learn let me read let me read certain books whether it was the book open her by Mark Mansion or um not um sorry open her I forgot the name of the art of the author what >> Karen Brody so whether it was open her by Karen Brody or um models attract women through honesty by Mark Mansion some of the books that helped me understand what's a woman, how to date, how to understand, how to know when you meet a woman if this woman can potentially be an option for me or not. This is crucial to the dating process. And no matter which age you are or no matter if you are dating or not, currently all this information is something that is a value to you so that you are ready for when Hashem brings you the one or for when your time comes. But at least you're doing histadas on getting yourself ready. And I think that that's very important um to the actual details of what's interesting because I have a lot of people also call me they say you know I went out I met this girl what should I do? What should I say? So first of all when you do meet a girl and you want to go talk to her or approach her or ask the family or involve a shatan there is a few steps that can happen. First of all you have to understand if it is a family or a girl or a boy who is very from and you get the feeling that they work through a shhatan without a question call a shhatan to find out the name of the family and to find try to find a number so that you go everything through a shhatan. Don't be a wise guy. Don't reach out personally. Don't message. Don't all those things. If you do think that it's something a person that is approachable directly and you know that your parents and the and the other person's parents will be okay that this happens more casually and on on its own, then you have the right to ask in a conversation a simple question of like by the way are you currently dating? Are you in shukim? That will give you a great indication if this person is even an option or not. If they tell you, "No, I'm not aim or I'm not dating or I'm not going out right now." Then you know that this person is simply not an option. If they tell you, "Yes, I am aim. I am dating. I am currently going out with people," then you know that that's pretty much an open door for you to say, "Oh, okay. Can I take you out? Can we go out for a date, for a coffee? Um, is that okay?" And obviously initiate and take the lead in terms of deciding what time to pick her up, where to go. um when when to go, all these things. You decide and make the decision and you could take the this is mainly for the for the guys that we're talking about. Take the girl's number, send her a message confirming the details um after you speak to her, and then the day of you can send a message before that. I'm looking forward to seeing you soon. And then when you arrive at the location, you can say something like, I'm outside in this car. Obviously, make sure to be on time. Obviously, make sure to open the door for her um and and go out and enjoy. Now, when you're going out, obviously make sure that this is like an interview that's benefiting you. You are the one now interviewing somebody for your life. So, make sure to ask every question that is possible. I'm a big believer in not just keeping the first date super casual and talking about her her trip to Israel when she was 11. I'm a big believer in asking the hard questions. What do you believe in? What are your values? What do you what what do you do a day-to-day life? What do you see yourself in the future doing on a day-to-day life? Obviously, you don't have to jump right into that. You could discuss, hi, how was how was your day? How do you feel? Maybe you're a little bit nervous, but that's okay. I'm also a little bit nervous. Make the person feel comfortable, but then get into the questions that you're actually curious about because you're not here to waste your time. And a high value guy can show that on a first date. Um, I don't want to talk about the whole dating process, but obviously if the first date goes well, you can send a message later that night saying something like, I really enjoyed I, you know, I would either love to do this again or I'm sorry, I don't feel like this is something for me. And based on that, you can decide what to do. Now, another very helpful thing, something that I have done throughout is to understand that as knowledgeable as I am, as much experience as I have, I am not an expert. And that's where I worked closely with multiple different dating coaches. Um, specifically my favorite dating coach who was constantly my number one was was Mrs. Hana Kahana who was amazing at doing this. And every time Yep. shout out. And every time I would go out before and after, I would consult with her to know what to do, what to say. Because as you get you go on and there's there's meeting parents, there's things of taking more things serious or conflicts or whatever it is, you want to have the right support with somebody dealing with hundreds of people in dating in the dating process. And that experience can help you tremendously. Like they say, instead of learning from your own mistakes, try learning from other people's mistakes so that you don't make those mistakes. Um, I think this gives people a very basic, well-rounded information on how to get started into dating from knowing yourself to knowing a a girl and what is important to a girl. Most girls, um, you know, there is a certain way of how they operate. And if you haven't studied that or if you haven't grown up around girls, you're going to have to know how to be around them. And the success of the date, whether the girl is going to say yes or no, depends on the experience that you have around the person. If you understand how to speak to them, how to acknowledge, listening to them, giving them 90% of the talking time or 80% of the talking time, letting them share about their day. Girls love to speak. They want to get they do want to get a compliment, but not too many compliments. They do want to also hear about you. There are so many details that goes into the process of dating. and to have the right information. Maybe one day we'll do a podcast on the right information, but I don't see myself necessarily as an expert in that. I just see myself as somebody who has dated a lot and has seen this information firsthand. And I've known that the more information I had and experience and curiosity, the more successful I was. And the the less information that I had about myself, the harder the whole process was. In any case, if you are single and you listen to this, I hope that you enjoy your dating process and ultimately understanding that everything is from Hashem and asking for Hashem for guidance and help is something that I've been doing throughout my dating process and even as I am married, I constantly talk to Hashem and ask for guidance and help and as well as taking guidance and help from other people. I think is super important and it's okay to be humble and get the information from other people or it's even watching podcast different podcast from relationship coaches um that can be tremendous tremendously helpful and I really feel like this guidance and help that I got from all these platforms and people is what got me to where I am right now. So, I highly encourage you doing that and good luck with your dating process and thank you for listening to this episode. Enjoy and good luck. Thank you. Please like, share, and subscribe. It means the world to me. Have a good one. That was good. Very nice. Thank you. Wow. Comment below for the with your dating experience or where you are and feel free to reach out to me if you want. We can always talk. I'm always happy to listen as a friend. Yeah. Enjoy. Happy dating. Cheers. Ellie out. This is organization by my friend And they sent me now a pack of potential poor folk. There's all this in these cards on the side of the show cards. Beautiful, beautiful z. It's representable that if you come to Okay, beautiful shine. Close family means zu options always helping each other never missing a always making sure the other is cared for. Number four, something else. When you go out with a girl and you ask these questions, you get ideas as you can see. Oh, says in English. Okay. that saying you when mentions accasha based on what they answer it's going to excuse me it's going to make a big difference on how they answer and what they say that can make you feel a connection to this person or not if the most exciting thing they ever had was uh ice cream anyway I'm not on dating for a while that's a good one you see can open a huge conversation. But this is the point that makes a huge difference. I mental health books like myself, self-growth books, business books and I enjoy to read things that give me knowledge and I enjoy this whatever. Uh so it's very interesting. Whatever. Anyway, you get the point.