PIC 2024 R' Feldheim Any Ques That Weren’t Answered Until Now Now’s Your Chance!

so the first question was how do we get our children more without the Next Generation you know a parent wants to you want to make it like uh you taking being involved in CL yourselves important to you and you want your children to have the same same sensitivities the same concern it should be important to all of us not just yeah yeah saying you want you asking how do you give over something be M or something how do you how do you give over make something into a family an A A A generational how do you make something generational that's making it very broad broadening your question okay so I I I'm sure there's a lot of ways to go about the question but it's a good way [Music] to I think if you have a healthy relationship with with your kids you know you some kids will whatever you me in other words no no no no that wasn't I would have just said that that would have have a whole I don't have one word answers so like uh takes a few few steps but I'm saying sometimes if I you have kids who are Rebels right so then then you can't use the regular mode the do going to do so that then you just say you hate shoes and then they'll take care they'll love Jews right if you have the easiest people to control are Rebels you know it's a good you so for life you have someone who's a contrarian you could it's very easy to get them to do whatever you want you go like uh right what what do they call it something psychology reverse psychology but that's not what we're talking about a serious thing how do you give so I I you know I I don't think you have of course you could always talk about in every individual sugya had to portray it in the most beautiful inspiring way then you need 500 answers for the 500 different things you want to give over the the shortcut to giving over anything to kids is is two steps is to is to make it part of your life and to make sure you're an extremely happy person whatever you do and you're happy and you're if you're happy you have credibility the way children learn that something is a good thing to do is when their par is it's not that the parents do it because if parents do it and parents are miserable ores then you la dka not necessarily giving that over to the next Generation because just because my parents did it if my parents were suffering from it that's that's been a story for many many families their parents were very Fir and very ear and they wonder why the children the children are not going in their way because maybe you were bitter or maybe you were sad or maybe you were you [Music] know okay cut what cutting out it's very important to be happy with what you do there's if you're not happy then the whole message gets lost or it's give literally the opposite people don't think about it people just think I have to be a role model a role model is is providing an image of what you want and then you have to give over the image of this something desirable or not you maybe you made a very articulate description of what what your position is now the question is is that a is that something I want part of and that what what what makes your kids decide to go to do what you do is if it worked for you and it worked for the house and it worked for the family anything that parents are happy anything that's done with a smile kids want to do that again anything that was with L and S and is is to the degree that the that the family was in turmoil because of it because of it is degree of not going to be interested in it people are trying to escape these things I don't know whatever I'm just I I tried to take a shortcut answer and it's not uh but it's a real answer I I'm I'm SK you probably wanted a description of how to how to give over kir of and show how beautiful it is are your kids involved in with you in this yeah my kids I happen to like to make things fun I make think everything's a party everything's fun so whatever we're doing my kids are into because not because tati said so cuz they believe me cuz I'm having a I'm just like happy and uh that last step is the the thing that no one thinks about and that's the most important step everyone when people are preparing anything in they're trying to think about how to make the best argument how do I explain this how do I say it over what's the most inspiring way to share this information and the most important step is and you have to enjoy it cuz that's that's like your signature on it whether you really believe what you said are you saying it or you believe it H how big is your smile you know so if you raise your kids and what you whatever you did in your house that was happy your kids are going to believe believe you whatever you did that you weren't and if you weren't a happy person it's like weird thing to say but if you're not a happy person then don't do any of the things you want your kid to do cuz then they're going to associate those things with misery so leave those things untouched because you're poisoning every every well every well that you open up you're poisoning if you're not happy so if you're not a happy person limit all the things the broader of a net that you cast in your life the more Wells that you're poisoning it's a I think it's real it's it's like I'm saying it like trit but it but it's a it's a it's a very very important rule yeah you want something more uh no okay is it's hard to get started I I'm not I'm not out of my stride yet yeah who I don't know go ahead just whoever's most aggressive wins go ahead so I've been carrying around this question for a while is from my one of my children um they said they're afraid to get too many positive things in this world because then they'll run out of SP for thingsa what do I say wow her kids are too scared to get too many good things in this world because then they they don't want to use up their whole Hava I think they learn in school right right sad so I'll tell you just the way you said it is not directly I'm going to approach it maybe more head on in a second this is the first thing that came to mind it's worth sharing the isz has an amazing ver the gar discusses what's called an a good guest there are good guests and bad guests you invite a guest to your house and there's two types of guests there's the one person who says I appreciate they inviting me it's really nice you know but they have a big family they're cooking anyway so they invited me they did a nice they made room me at the table but but they were cooking anyway you know and the other guest says like can't believe that they think of me and they did this to me and like you know you see everything that was done for you and you recognize all the detail so that's an so explains that what's the dynamic when you invite an house like they have a certain guest that goes everything you serve you go was there what did you put in that soup there was like a some kind of interesting spice what was that there was something there so the white was yeah yeah well you know and whatever it was I don't know Jasmine I don't know some weird thing I don't it's not my field okay I'm going to eating everything else all the preliminary stuff is not my but and then and and that cougle that wasn't the regular auction coule you did something different and and I never had chicken like that what was so you have guests like that that see everything and appreciate everything so you know what happens when you invite that when when when you when when that guest you invite them again when the hostess finds out that that guest is coming again she cooks five six seven extra dishes because you know they get everything so the is says that's how it works with the also the more you acknowledge the bras he gives you and the more you stal on them you go wow look what hasem did for me you can't believe this there was so many things that could have happen this the best possible thing I got to do this I went to here here not only go to Project Inspire but they have Joey Nukem and then there was ice cream and popcorn going on so so when you hear that happen when you hear when when when there b hears you talk to that so he's going to start making shopping lists to deliver to you you're going to start getting CU you see it it's literally the opposite way this the is's advice to how to bring BR into your life is literally the opposite the acknowledgment of all the BR and the things Hashem gave you if you acknowledge it it doesn't take away it it it it it's the impetus for hasem to give you more and more and more cuz that the keser is it's a good life hack not thing to play shtick but if you can get yourself to a place of and Nuance where you see things it's a Sure Fire way that the will come up more and more creative ways to get you to BEP but but to directly answer your question you [Music] know it's very hard with the with this with the music you know but okay how's it going to do on the recording the recording is going to get ruined by it they'll Oh [Music] They'll so let's go to the original question I I for some reason I feel like the world is so past that question but obviously not like uh it's like it's like a wake up the question was is that my kids are scared that to get too many good things they're using up [Music] theira so this I guess where do where do you bite into this from the whole idea that is is is prizes we do Mitzvah we get we get check and x's and points and then you cash it in for goods and prizes or you go to geham and you get punishments for all the it's a very artificial way to to understand life right it's it's what's the real understanding ofar right we say Mitzvah that when I do some when we do something trying to think the simplest way to say this why am I having a hard time and just the music is no it's not even the question what's the question it's [Music] like not getting the start this room you're see that's the same coming from the same place I'm like I'm not feeling the question I'm like so past this I feel like the next door our kids are the kids are are you guys bothered by this question you like the next door has a whole different relationship with hasem we did a very good job in that all of us old people's questions they they know better than us we have we're like very damaged in the way we see and we have these questions the next door is very very real and they don't ask these kind of questions we understand that we lived in a time when things were very trans transactional I just feel bad like doing the same thing over and over again like all my speeches ultimately end up having to start from the beginning and I don't want like every recording to sound the same but I'm going to do it I'm going to say it we're here every group deserves to have their own uh their own their own tour this this is ganen this is the gun America's not a gun Earth isn't the gun it's a gun there amazing gunun and all that Hashem wanted was that we should we should dance in his gun he created he put them into this amazing Garden the garden is just aorus Board of pleasure what is the world the world is the world is full of deliciousness Beauty desirable to the eyes amazing beautiful things appealing to think about Enlightenment the world is so deep it's so beautiful it's so delicious and our entire job in life was to just marinate in this world that's all hasm wanted so what's theer the Yer to is the part of you that wants to wake up early and just dance and just sing and walk beerfoot in this garden and just experience that's the we have such an oldfashioned way of thinking that we got like from dyus that weren't sophisticated in tah and it's a very like when people aren't sophisticated in things they they automatically assume that suffering is Holy and we were all damaged by this when do parents tell their kids that they're good kids when did we hear that we're good kids every time we let someone go ahead of us in line every time there was one piece of pizza I gave to my brother we grow up associating goodness with sacrifice and suffering that's not yish kite that's a that's a nice that's a Mitzvah to put someone first to be selfless but the purpose of life is Hashem is a mative he wants you to be happy Sim is the true experience of the not not having sacrifices it's very it's a very sad thing when you have to do that and and okay well I I'll explain we sacrifice comes in but in a minute let's me first do the the organ the proper way to see it so this is the gun wants us to have joy so what's the who doesn't want to have pleasure everybody thinks that the Yu wants pleasure and the say simpler everyone thinks that the Y wants this world and the wants the next world that's how we're raised so I'm saying forget all that let's try it a different way the created this world this world's an amazing world so if the Yater to is to want this world so what's the Y then if the Yer to wants the next World thear wants this world they you change it backwards the wants this world so what's the Atara what not not wanting not someone next not wanting to get the next one what do that what what that mean sounds deep what does that mean not wanting so that's the same as the old way that that not wanting that taking it here but I'm saying taking it here is good well it's good I'm I'm I'm I'm proposing a new thing imagine that what I was saying is true the wants total in this world so what's the negative voice then want to suffer what want to suffer why would someone want to suffer is I want something that's believable on is not the maximize opportunity what not to be able to maximize opportunity why what's the drive what's the competing Drive chasing I'm I'm making a proposal theer is desire let's say that okay sounds radical the is desire let's say we said that okay going to turn your world upside down everyone thinks the's desire so I'm saying desire so what's the then giving up the is everything that says right don't give up yes so then what does everybody say everyone says what do you mean maybe there's some good desires there's also bad desires so I'm proposing that there's no such thing as a bad desire okay it's a little awkward to make this message across I'm trying I started backwards but it we're almost there let me show it to you give me an example of a a bad a bad desire something people do wrong yeah you have a desire for I don't have Aire but we're not supposed to have Aire I want some desire tell me a desire that somebody has right now it's m shabas in every Jewish community in America there's a 7-Eleven or a pizza shop with 25 high school kids right hanging out in front of the pizza shop with a 7-Eleven talking to each other smoking cigarettes right so why are they there it's a desire drugs is a bad desire drugs drugs let's so let's drugs but right know I have my 7-Eleven okay let's we'll go on the same 25 kids hanging out in front of the 7-Eleven boys girls we you've seen it in your town so why they there what's the desire feel like they belong what feel like they belong to a group feel happy to feel happy so let me tell you what's really going on what's really going on is when this boy was 8 years old 10 years old he was on a school bus he couldn't get home fast enough cuz he had a note from his rebi that said M she asked the bomb Kasha and the bus was taking tool he couldn't wait to run home even though he knew T he's not coming home from work for 3 hours but he just wanted to be in the house with a note most excited kid in the world and now he's sitting in 7-Eleven talking to some girl making fun of her B so what happened was when he was 8 years old he was full of desire he had chifas and dreams and longings and yearnings and now he got so beaten and broken that all those dreams that he had he doesn't believe any of them going to come true he wanted to marry a Bas Mel he wanted the best girl and now he goes that girl won't even look at me I'm never going to get a good sh so he's sitting in front of 7-Eleven so he could feel a little good about himself for 5 minutes this is not desire this is all Aus are the Brokenness will we lost all our dreams they're dream dreams that have been chiseled down to nothingness to call that kid doing that that he's a Bala he's a b he's the furthest thing from a Bala it's just a messed up terminology what do you say to that kid if you really C what's going on you go how did this happen I knew you three years ago you were the biggest dreamer in the world you had such longings and yearnings what happened for some reason we call our ton they're really consistently across the board the exact opposite desire is what we had before trauma before drama before tar after we we lose all our dreams nobody dreamt of talking to the girl who every other guy already knows no no girl dreamt of of being the girl who has 20 guys who who are not marrying her or anything but like nobody dreamt of that how do you get to that point not that you got desires you lost your dreams you were crushed think you hear this test it let's try and come up with an a that is a longing or a yearning that comes from desire and not Brokenness could you think of any try [Music] hard they're all shortcuts they're all masks they're all Band-Aids they're all ways to fool myself to feel good when I lost my dreams the first step step in having a a a a grownup view of the world is to start to replace all the words we learned in elementary school we learned things we learn yish as children we learned things very early but because we learned them when we're young that most of the ideas we have our placeholders till we get older and now we have to have a more grownup understanding of things so but the first thing you realize as when you get to learn like real the real things what we discuss is it's literally almost 180 degre the opposite of what we thought theer to is is is is the most expansive thing full of longing and yearning and the is is is the loss of those dreams in ganen that's how I started in ganen the GH is the garden everybody wants a dance in the garden instead what happens wi do Al find themselves curled up ashamed in the bushes right so imagine that this is a real story imagine that K who gave us the story of because he actually wanted to teach us something about life so let's learn it like grown-ups every one of us is born into a garden an amazing garden and all we want is to dance in this Garden instead invariably every human find themselves in a fetal position curled up up terrified in bushes why what drove them into the bushes what's the answer z the Torah says why did they go in the bushes [Music] shame so really then if you want to use the torah's words the to thear are yearnings desire and shame that's the struggle my dreams versus my shame dreams and shame are opposites can we test that does that work for you you buying it shaking your head why let's go let's work it out we gave an example that culturally we see as okay so what's give me give me I said I told them pick any example the the problem with lobster is is that we don't understand we can't test it because you have no idea what the problem with lobster is so I I can't want to do the AA the AA what is lobster are very difficult to test these things I I would have to tell you those that we have the reason for is that the reason yeah why not yeah always more reasons don't have understand so let's say that I'm going to do that next after this I'm going explain that's a very important sounds technical but it's a fascinating talk but first for for our purposes here I want people to be able to test it in their minds so give me an experience they have that we can talk about I I can't talk about Lobster I have no idea what the desire for lobster is what what what you're feeling and don't do bossness either give me something so cheeseburg not a good no no what because what's wrong I I don't know what I don't know what it is it's to me a desire for cheeseburger is the same as desire for Chand it's just delicious food I have no more sophisticated understanding of these things than delicious food so that's why they're you know I can explain to you what it's about but it's not things that we live with you you'll see I promise you the next thing we'll do is understand exactly what I'm saying but for my our purposes now 99% of us have desires for things that are not so let's talk about things that we can talk about things that we're experts in what any of pick any you want to steal you want to cheat you want to lie drugs what drugs okay drugs drugs what's wrong with drugs what okay okay so good that's a good that's a good question that's a drugs and a Vera that's a question okay Des most of the desires we have AR necessarily un and if it's let let me ask questions so that it's a very good example is I said give me example of desires and let's analyze let's analyze your desire for drugs that's perfectly fine okay so is it a desire for drugs is that fair to say it's a desire for drugs what do drugs do drugs are drugs are a way to mask all of mitar to simulate The Experience if it's an upper it's to simulate the experiences I wanted to earn on my own if it's a downer it's a way to minimize all the pain I feel so it numbs me and freeze me these aren't dreams these are coping mechanisms to mask the loss of my real dreams if you really climb the mountains of life and you really experienced everything you don't want anything to numb you you don't want to miss anything wine connoisseurs wash their mouth before they drink wine they want to experience every subtlety every detail alcoholics don't want to feel anything they will shoot it straight into their veins because they're trying to check out there's a difference between a connoisseur and an alcoholic they both drink wine is there a what's the difference what does The Connoisseur want what he wants to live more he wants to be more alive what is the what is the alcoholic doing he committing suicide ex day by day experience by experience checking out so that's not desire he lost his desire we you I I I don't deny that we use the word desire I'm saying it's a misplaced word if you want to use the word desire you could use it but we're going to have to come up with two different words then for desire good Des what I I I think that I I have a different share about this I'm I'll say it now listen it doesn't matter the recording is going to be useless cuz I said all the stuff before on T time but I'll say it because it's a new group it's not about the recording it's about you so you ever heard ever heard the idea that the eskimos have like 30 words for snow it's a cool thing a lot of speakers talk about this the idea is like this is that in a culture you develop words based on need so so if you in Eskimos they do everything with snow the highways are snow the bedrooms are snow the drapes are snow the windows the roofs so you have to know is this kitchen snow bathroom snow bedroom snow car snow which snow is this right we we we don't we don't need to know much we need to know there good snowball snow and bad snowball snow right because we don't have so many uses for snow so the the idea is is that you develop more words for nuance based on needs the reason why this is a cool thing to know is cuz based on this you have a very good you have a very good tool to figure out what is important in a culture I can go to any culture and ask the people who live there so what's your culture about and everybody becomes a Salesman oh we're about Justice and kindness you know but you don't know if that's true there's Spin Doctors everyone's trying to make it sound good I now have a nonbiased way to get an honest answer about what's important to culture you know you do you know what I do I open a dictionary I look which words have the most synonyms and those are the things that are most important things in those culture because they need the most words for it and they can't cheat cuz it's just that's the facts right so you can test it you know like in France in French the word with the most synonyms is love you know so they're all romantic they're into love you go to Ireland you know which word has the most synonyms in in in Ireland drunkenness 150 words for drunk okay because there's a there's so many types of drunk you have to know which drunk are you right in America the word we have that has the most synonyms is money you know dough bread GRE everything means money every So based on this in yish which word Ines has the most synonyms using this nonbiased tool what do you think is the thing in our religion that is the most meaning I can't cheat now we can't spin we're going to open the dictionary find which word is most syndroms and that's the thing that is the most important thing by this very fear clear honest measuring stick what do you think it is very good so I lot of I heard different Jos and rabbis some say there's 10 words for so many words 10 words it's up there not number one though okay so truth is everything in the world is everything say so it's not a fear question because everything's god so let's just say that besides God okay so pus says it's he has a whole book and all the different 10 different for right also 10 so both and have 10 I have another word that is more of it than and combined more than 20 words it's far and away that would be great answer but is there is there I don't I don't I could think of three four words but Ty right uh Sim this words not that not anywhere near 10 that I could think of there's a word the word in L it's very cool when the number one thing is so far ahead of number two you I know how many debates this is one of those examples the word has the most synonyms is 25 words the number two words are all 10 250% more of this word than anything else and the last introduction I'll give you is when I say the word you'll be shocked CU yeah we always learn new K in life but very really at this age this age you learn a Kish that's 180° the opposite of everything you thought before the word I tell you is until this moment until this year you thought it was the worst thing in the world and now I'm saying this totally unbiased totally honest tool this is the word that has 25 words and you know already because I've been talking about it for 20 minutes ta there are 25 words in for [Music] desire there are 25 words for longing there's probably much more than that once you get into K that es means means R means and I don't know how many you'll get up to but it's endless the most important thing in Judaism is desire desire is the whole holiest thing in the world as children that's all we are dreams dreaming is the is the innocent expression of longing and yearning and then what happens is we get clobbered and things happen and we start to say it'll never happen and when we believe it'll never happen then all of my desires become painful cuz when I dream of something and it's not going to happen it begins to hurt yeah I can't I can't I can't hear I'm sorry wait wait wait till the door [Music] closes I realiz as say that Mur doesn't say you can't have desire it says you can't desire your friend's wife your friends car your friend's house desire in its own is the holiest [Music] thing somebody else's find your own it wants you to to yearn and to long there's nothing holier than yearning so the grownup understanding of the good inclination the bad inclination is the is our desires our dreams our will thear is all the voices in your head that says who you fooling it's never going to happen happen the skill set of the yahar is eye rolls is like cackling making fun of snickering all those tricks that we do to silence our dreams so the so the biggest sadik I'll say it better I'll show you a really cool idea everybody thinks that there's a great s between hos and amuna should I trust Hashem or should I work hard Okay so let me show you a cool thing so what's auna what am I believing the Muna is that Hashem created this world Hashem is good Hashem loves us Hashem only made the world to be good to us that means that this world is designed for my benefit if you really believe that this world is designed for your benefit that this world works it's not a trick imagine we believe that you have real amuna Hashem created the world Hashem is not cruel Hashem is loving Hashem is fear Hashem designed the world that if I try hard and I do it I will be successful so if you believe that for real what are you going to do what so who is the person in the world who is screaming out the loudest that Hashem is good who is I call her who is the biggest M Hashem who is screaming Hashem is amazing the whole world he made is amazing who's saying that the best you know who the first guy up in the morning the people who are living and throwing themselves into life getting up hisas is not the opposite of it's the child of amuna amuna creates isas when you believe that hem is good you throw yourself in it's going to work who is the biggest who is screaming out the loudest that this whole thing is broken Hashem is not real who's doing that the loudest the guy who pushes the snooze button the most [Music] times there's no desire to sleep late the desire is to create and to live sleeping late is is hiding from because I don't believe no one is sleeping late when they believe that there is a my kids kasas is going on why why is everything not AA why is everything not a dance because we don't we sleep we sleep late cuz we believe it's not worth it it's not going to work anyway I'm not going to get the job I'm not going to get the sh I'm not going to get into the I'm not going to understand the she just a long day to survive let me check out the is and the person who checks out the person who checks out is is that pushing a snooze button is saying I don't believe this is going to work before we we before we get knocked around and before we start to lose belief in things we don't have we don't even know from the snooze buttons the first people up in any house are the little kids they're bouncing off the walls we don't start to sleep late till we're teenagers and we get iPads until things happen children children are on fire they they they they they are we there yet that's like the Mantra of a kid you it can't get there fast enough so we have such a backwards way of seeing the world so if you're living bav and you're happy you're not using up that is the Mitzvah this the secret way to have you know how have you know how you have morea the happier you are the more Hava you'll have you know you lose your Alaba you be miserable people think that miserable L I'm going to have Alaba cuz I suffered so much here yeah trying after someone has desire they really want it and they try what happens to trying doesn't necessarily mean that they're going to accomplish one they can try and try and try and their like as if what is does does the SH bring what they want not okay so two there's two questions in here is is what happens when the St doesn't [Music] work but don't make it like it's a normal thing most things in life we have a cloud yti you don't believe someone who says that he tried and it didn't work we don't believe him when when people are not usually it means that you didn't try hard enough usually usually and it doesn't always work we'll see when someone I guess but I'm saying I'm trying it's a hard question because now we're getting into things where people have their own personal experiences so I have to be sensitive I I I can't give a philosophical talks I have to do it in a different way there's two things like this in it for the most part when people are not at something they're doing something wrong for the most part and yeah you need a good friend you need someone who cares about you to tell you but it's not because it's notak to beat up on someone who's failing that's the last thing people need you know but when you talk to someone who's dating for a while it's not always working so often often the respon is is that is that uh maybe you're bitter you know and and you're not giving off happy Vibes if you're going to job interviews and not getting jobs you know people who are positive it's such a hard talk everyone's good in order okay so I don't want to hurt anybody but not everybody's holding by by clear self analysis but you know when you get you get to a point where where you take ownership of your life and you realize that Hashem is a mative he's not cheating us and most of my tar I can speak for myself all the tar that I felt in my life it was very hard to come to that recognition but it all came because of things I was doing wrong and uh it's so much easier to be angry and feel cheated and to say it's not this but every rebi who didn't like me maybe I was arrogant you know people don't like arrogance they don't likea you know your friend gets promoted and you don't maybe maybe they work harder maybe you you were charming and that's all you had and they saw that he's not that they're real and they're humble and they putting the work in people people don't see their but that's part of the belief that Hashem is a mative hasm is when we believe that hashm is a mative we believe that the world is designed for success and and I can fix things I know so many people who you know I talk to them I set a guy up on a and he just sabotages every single thing and then he gets angrier and angrier so then the next day the sabotage is worse so Hashem has it out Hashem has it in for him Hashem is torturing him what's going [Music] on Sandy help me out I feel like I'm getting so negative you you know my trra get me get me back on track I'm just TI I'm tired I lose my whole uh I don't want to be heavy you know what let me say let me say an opposite vert let you feel like you're going in a certain dark Direction you have to go the opposite way and uh it'll end me up in the middle let me tell you the opposite ver what what was the question what was the question the question this question was that when someone has a that what happens when you fail what happens when you keep on failing at something what Happ you keep on failing it doesn't work you keep on trying something doesn't work so I wanted to answered in order you know the first thing is is that before you get into magical things and generally when things don't work the first thing you have to do is what am I doing wrong the gar says you you search what you did you look what you're doing wrong people refuse to do this so much easier to fetch and to rant and not saying you I'm just saying this we as human beings do we blame and we rather I want to say opposite I want to switch my I got to I got to it's hard to turn on a big truck sometimes is it sometimes it's just meant to be yeah okay but that but let's not get there so fast cuz it's not fear to do that cuz then everybody jumps on that and that's not that's not the way the world is you're a parent you see your children struggling with things very rarely is it not meant to be you usually know what you need to hear here maybe you can say it now maybe they're crying and they're hurt so you wait till tomorrow but you know usually everybody knows what they have to say I'm a rebi every kid I know who's struggling with life I I I know what their problem is the question is when can I get them to a place that that I could say I could say it to them see right now I'm not talking to any individuals so I could say things I thought I could say I'm not talking to indiv I thought I could say things that sound brutal there's no person who's hearing it but I'm feeling like I'm like everyone's taking it personally so like I think I'm making a mistake you know there's a difference when you give a group talk and you're talking to but I every student I have you talk to a person for a few minutes you usually know like what what their block is but you can't tell them yet cuz the human beings and people have to be ready to hear something and life is a lot of times the process of getting to the point where you can hear it and Hashem usually lets us hear things and we're ready and you know when you're not ready yet you going have to fall back on on on what was for the best we don't understand so why do we have failures when we're not ready to hear it why is Hashem doing that no because that because it's real you're not you're not doing well because you're not doing it you're not ready to hear it so yeah so M right so that feeling of frustration and sadness is necessary for you that will build up the frustration you're right we need to feel okay but I I want to switch Swit the whole tone I want to bring the whole conversation from the opposite angle I feel like if I go the other way I I'll come to a more positive way you could discuss let me let me do let me do what I want to do let me see if it'll work I have a that's I was trying to say positive thing it feels it just feels heavy I want to see something negative that feels positive you'll see okay you're going to hear you're going to hear this is such a deep thought I think I said it to someone over shavas and I felt like I wanted to share it with everybody you have in Ganan after they did the a so Hashem was afraid that now they're going to want to go eat so Hashem put the crew it says he took he made C two things actually I'm only to discuss one of them now he placed the L depending which translation you use it's it's a they all a different weird thing but they're all hard to understand but the literal translation is lot is like the FL the Flames the flash of the the the the sword that flips so the the spinning sword The Flash the fire the the the fire the Flames of the spinning Sword and the Ken Hashem placed the the flag the fiery spinning Sword and the Kim guarding the path to the tree of life so that couldn't go back to the tree of life so they both need to be explained I'm going to explain I want to ask about the Kim now he puts these Kim as the Guardians of the Rashi says strangest Rashi what a angels of Destruction now how do we pick we know what crew them are they were the cherubs right they represent and before the a they weren't wearing clothing but they were innocent and clueless this like youthful perfect childish gleeful undamaged untainted Untamed just perfect kids that's how how could you possibly call those innocent chubby beautiful kids right angels of Destruction so any Ma say oh it must be different Kim than the ones on the and Kim is a much bro but it's very hard to say that because the is called also the t is the is and the tree of life is and the hasim and this has K you're going to assume that both have the same Cen it's very hard to say it's a different Cen if it's the same thing it's a Torah and the Tree of Life life tree of they're both called the tree of life so what I think is do you know why crew him are called because the most dangerous damaging thing in the world is Kim those little innocent bubbly perfect little kids are what destroy our lives that we think that's the model of existence we're all supposed to be innocent pure bubbly kids and as soon as we're not that anymore we think our lives were ruined the idea that we're supposed to Aspire to being Ken is what destroys people's lives so we all feel like I lost out on life my life was ruined Jews are supposed to be innocent bubbly Kim who have no busha and no shame and now I remember when I was like that it's all gone and now my life is ruined and when you feel like your life is ruined you throw in the towel and you live with reluctance and hesitancy and you don't invest yourself so the thing that destroys the world are Ken that image there are there are something called cim there is something called Perfection but it's not for the real world Hashem puts the C in guarding the the is the tree of Noah that's not for us we don't we're people we're all that tree is for kin on the AR is K because the AR is behind the curtain that no one can go into it's not meant for people the K God on yum Kipper could go in there when he has the cus with the cloud and even then he has to wear rope around his ankle cuz it's very likely he's going to die nobody can withstand K him there's no crew him but everyone has this picture in their heads of Kim and we think that my Kim stay just too late and I'm damaged I'm broken I'm dirty I'm wrong I'm bad that's destroys Our Lives such an important you to know Judaism is nothing to do with Ken we believe that there something called perfect little kids and we have that on top of our or in the holy of holies is a theoretical thing but the real world is people who have crashed and burned multiple times cuz the purpose of life is not to be perfect most people look at it I had a birthday when I was born and then I almost died the day I was shot out of the sky I was flying I was soaring I was on top of the world and then I was rejected from Seminary I was rejected from high school I didn't get into this my life is over that's people think cuz we think the purpose of life is to be Cen and this was the day I got dented and the tah is letting us know it's exactly the opposite the purpose of life is not to soar the day you get shot out of the sky is not the day you died the day you got shot out of the sky is the day you were born your birthday is the day you got shot down because the purpose of life is not to fly the purpose of life is to learn how to fly again that's the purpose of life your birthday you were not complete when you were that chubby little K you were in a waiting room Hashem was waiting for the moment where you crash where you get shot down that's your birthday cuz the purpose of existence is to recover what you once have chuva is the purpose of life recovery is the purpose of life the Torah begins really with thrown out of G or or hiding in the bushes and the story of Life the entire story of is how to get out of the bushes back in the G what how they got in the bushes is all the preliminary story The tah is the guide back yeah ask a question wait so so the reason why I switched this now is because now now I can continue talking about failure but you have to understand that you needed the introduction to failure to know that failure is Holy okay failure is not heavy failure is beautiful failure is your birthday party so once we understand the t's view of failure now we can talk about failure because it's not I'm not destroying anyone's lives by talking about you understand what I'm saying I'm not talking we talk about now falling it's like wow what was your crash like right how do you feel you can mamish we could sit and compare crash stories because it's a total change in the way we see the world we thought crash stories are the most embarrassing thing the thing you have to hide from everybody goes it's something that ruined me no one should know I'm dented cuz the only person worth living is the pristine perfect bir listen today you realize that the people who are pristine haven't even begun to contemplate living yet they're in the waiting room they weren't born yet I always say that we have this dent on our lip over here right cuz the Mal hit us when we were born but we know that that well the truth is I have okay I open the I have to say the ver cuz I ruin the C here's the ver I'm going to say the ver okay I'm going to get the Cen V and important ver I'm going to give you a stere another way to hear the same thing from a different angle I just feel like I'm giving now as opposed to hitting people but I want to get back to failure because now we you understand now we talk about failure failure is cool it's not great but it's but it's safe to talk about because cuz failure is just uh getting ready to live like I spoke today about the bow and arrow AER you know how bow and arrows work you want something to go forward the further you pull this way the better it'll go forward you have to look at all your failures as bow and arrow stuff is you want to go there instead it's pulling you this way and that way but when you know the more you're going this way your arrows just going to fly quicker and further and higher than ever before if you only go back a little bit you're going to get a little dinky arrow shot you won't get anywhere you know you want to fly it's going to hurt you got to like need a muscle guy to pull back on you right that's uh okay so let me say the other side everyone knows the famous kazal you know the kazal that the baby knows the whole T until until the Mal hits him on the lip and then when he's born then he forgets the whole tah and then life is supposed to relearn it you know that gamarra it's a gamar so let me tell you I I think in the gamar is like this let's do it like grown-ups what does it mean that the M that a baby knows the whole tra children can't even you know they can't do anything they don't know the whole t right they're not toilet trained they hopefully they don't run what knows it not the what does that mean what does that mean let's talk about what that means what does that mean what's the use of the whatever knowing the T doesn't know it knew it when it learns it again It'll recognize it is that true I don't know how it's nice it's listen listen it's definitely but when you learn Tor do you do are you recovering something you you feel Deja Vu yeah sometimes sometimes I'm going to explain it now we're going to learn the gor now like okay I'm not saying it's not true I want to I want to I want to create an opening for a very cool way to understand it very deep story every proba he was learning every night and he had was bothering was bothering was bothering he couldn't get it and finally he asked this next day he saw someone else at the same cash and he came up 2 seconds how it be down he BR down okay listen this listen this this everything there's 100 levels to understand it and there's there's more magical mystical things than I could ever imagine but I I I we're here at night I want to I don't want to give you magic I want to give you something that you can we can wrap we can talk slow we can wrap our heads around that I want to come with something that the t is communicating such deep and you'll be the judge if this fits what the ter is saying if I'm if I'm making up something if I'm spinning if I'm apologizing if I'm or is it real here's my what do we mean that a child knows learns the whole T in the womb so what does Tyra mean says very simar to what say okay okay he has my back he doesn't want me to sound so radical okay okay is the P so it's like it's like legit okay okay so here's the ver the ver is T what's let's let's just come up with different a child learns knows the whole tah in the womb what does toyra mean t is mems the truth so now Ms truth is a very philosophical word could you come up with a more more useful practical word a real word I want a real world word for truth that's not like textbook stuff like truth sounds theoretical how do you say truth practically what's a word you would use trying to explain to somebody in their life what's true right's a good answer but right is also right is like political or philosophical reality reality you want to tell someone to live in the truth that's just live in reality stop living the noal so I want to replace the word Torah with reality you understand how we did that we said t is truth truth is just another word for reality so now when we say a child a baby a little child knows the whole Torah what are we really saying is that children totally live in reality they see the world exactly as it is they're living in the real world they don't need to distort things they don't they don't need to be in denial they they've done nothing in their lives they're ashamed of they have to lie to themselves so children live in reality and then until when until the Malik hits them Malik is the idea is a messenger until whoever the messenger is who claps us we all get knocked around and when we get knocked around we don't believe that all the things we wanted will come true and then we have to start lying to ourselves and saying it was stupid it was narish who needed it La La Land none of my married friends are happy you know everybody who went to that school hated it we all the lines right everybody has all their weird things that we say to justify all the things that we wanted that aren't what we wanted them to be so and when do we start doing that when does that happen when do you when when do you stop living in reality and when do you do not when do you distort reality today you believe that the reality is not going to be in sync with what you wanted why did that happen because you got knocked around you were rejected you were hurt okay that's that's the start have to make it a little more compelling say doesn't say when the it doesn't say that you children live know the whole T till the Malik hits them it says specifically the Malik hits them on the lip so what is that about so what what do you think would be if what's the universal image of the moment that most people is there a universal moment that we could if you wanted to draw a very sad painting a painting that captures the moment of a kid innocent wideeye giggly giddy when he was a k when he was a cherub and then the moment where all that ended where he starts to live in denial what's that moment is there a universal moment everyone's different there's millions of moments like that but if you had to capture a universal moment like that what would it be I use a metaphor that I saw once happen with a bird I was learning in my house in Pennsylvania and behind the house was a glass room I used to hear my speeches in that room I used to learn that room and we had very clean glass and the bird a bir beautiful bird was flying and it didn't realize that it was glass it flew right into the room into the wall and it falls down in a heap and I watched the B bird a few minutes later he was alive he got up he shook himself together and he wobbled off and he flew off into the sky and but he survived but I was wondering is it possible for this bird to ever fly again the same way he flew before he crashed into my wool cuz before he crashed into my wool the bird thought the whole sky is open and he flew freely in the sky like beautiful in the sky flying now he crashed into the wall for the rest of his life he's going to wonder you know n 99% of the sky is is open but every once in a while there's a really hard spot right so he's going to fly with like his beak like doesn't want to have that 90° contact he's going to like fly protecting himself with a certain reluctance in his flight because he's going to protect himself see you have that image no you don't picture it no because I don't think the birds think that way no it's a bird bird bra yeah it's bir so my question is let's say birds think that way okay a muscle don't don't don't get don't get hung up on the muscle my question is is there a human moment like that if I drew the picture of the bird hitting the wall it would be very sad moment everybody would picture you know dashed dreams what's the human moment of the contact of beak to glass wall is there one moment that everybody go wow that's the moment so I think I have one moment you see when we're little kids everybody has little nephews or sisters or cousins or remember their own childhood every single thing a little kid says is like gold go like w such a genius and every time a guest comes you try and Shepherd the kid to say those words again the words they mispronounce so they say something cute and kids grow up a Jewish kid for sure grows up thinking he's a genius he's a genius he's such a genius they can't all be Geniuses right then then then the bar average they're all average yeah okay everyone's genus so we tell kids every time the kid opens his mouth the kid knows how powerful they are they're so powerful these kids oh and then what happens one day so the kid feels like a superstar he comes in they they start to get like greed like they're not going to say words when you ask them they play hard to get they they they they exercise their their power they know how much everybody wants so they can play games with you so but then all of a sudden one day comes there's a bunch of guests in the house so the kid comes out it's all crowded the dining room so the kid comes out and he figures he's going to do his word so he comes out and he says whatever it is everybody's always begging him to say and everyone turns around and goes sh not now sh sh for the first time in his life he flies into a wall and instead of getting a wow he gets sh and now for the the rest of his life he has to wonder every time he opens his mouth is this going to be a genius or is this going to be a shush he doesn't know the rules he T something went wrong it misfired he got shushed that genius thing didn't happen and he'll never again be able to fly without that reluctance again so that's my Universal moment so I'm almost done there's one more stage to the V this is called stage two of my V what how do you say this so let's plug that into my story the kid knows the whole t means what kids live in reality until when until the Mal hits him on the lip what does that mean until he get shushed okay until he gets shushed what's the problem with the ver and the day he gets shushed is the day he's always approaches reality with reluctance he's not totally living in the world he's one foot in one foot out the problem with the ver at this point is it doesn't really match because he doesn't get the dent when he gets shushed the dent was there when you were born it was already there so you already got shushed when got shushed when he was born or just before he born so does that's not my story my story is the day you got shushed told you got told you actually got shushed you were all in you only became hesitant when you actually got shushed I'm saying the shush is the actual shush you were you were complete beforehand so then then you should get then why was the dent there first what's the answer so the answer is the same thing I was telling you it's such a huge [Music] thing the dent is like [Music] this I we all [Music] think we all think that we was supposed to fly in the sky soaring and that rebi shot me down that Russia hurt me and ruined my life that's everyone's story of life I was going to get everything was going amazing and and this is where I got ruined that's what everybody thinks what's the T saying it's literally not like that you didn't get that dent when you got shushed they didn't give you the dent the dent was there beforehand what does that mean what does it mean if you're already born with a dent the dent isn't a scar from aush you know what the dent is for the the dent is a Groove that says rebi Place fingers on dotted line and shush we were designed with a Groove perfectly designed to be shush you were supposed to be shush the story of life isn't I was flying and he shot me down you know what the purpose of life is to fly and to get shot down and learn how to fly again we were designed to be shush if you weren't shush yet you didn't begin living cuz until that finger is put on the dotted line you wer in complete when you're born is a daughter-in-law and you're waiting for someone to finally put their finger there we were meant to be shush that person who hurt me didn't ruin my life it hurt and they they should never have done it Hashem was using them to do his dirty work and they'll get punished but this was supposed to happen they were just his messenger he uses bad people to do all the dirty work but the but you have to go back in your to the time you were shushed whatever it was that happened that you thought ruined your life when you stopped being a CR and you have to realize that that wasn't the disruption of your life that was supposed to happen this is this V is the same as the Ken V the worst thing in the world is that picture that was supposed to be innocent little chubby Ken that destroys us the idea that I was supposed to fly destroys us the idea that I'm supposed to talk and no one will shush me and I got shushed destroys us you were you were meant to fly and get shut down you were meant to fail You Were Meant to get clobbered whatever it is all that stuff nobody ruined anything we're all exactly where we were supposed to be to me this is the most useful therapeutic Clarity in the world cuz most people are live the rest of their lives with the damage of feeling like someone derailed my life that's why the crew I called angels of Destruction the single most dangerous thing in the world is the image of a of a of a perfect little K cuz if you ever meet a perfect little K you know who you're meeting a con man a faker and a liar there are no crew him in the world they are just people with more makeup better masks that's all so this a very liberating idea if you really believe it and you really hear it then you could talk all day long about failure and you can have the most realist discussion about failure the reason why I felt that the talking about failure the way we were in the beginning was I I just foresaw all the tar that every word I'm going to say is going to cause people cuz there's nothing I'm going to be able to say that's going to dress up failure in a good way when you think your job is to be perfect if if your job is to be pristine then there's nothing you could ever say about failure that'll help so you first need to know this first that uh failure is your ticket to the game and now we can talk about failure and then we can get real so um but maybe we should do something different now because it's like a long time on that topic [Music] yeah what are some tips to success some tips to success seven what seven seven seven habits seven habits were you believe in that stuff it's good could be real never read it come up with a few tips let's come up with a few tips you tell me tips also what everybody should say what they think is their number one tip tips tips to be matak in life so first let me tell you I'll connect to what I was saying before so we have some kind of continuity before I was saying that everyone's heart everybody want is dreamers we want to live large but instead we're hiding in the bushes cuz we feel shame so I think of few of the tips that we give should be tips for dealing with shame cu the shame is what disables us so this whole last thing I said is tip number one for shame the knowledge that failure is normal that will solve most of our guilt and shame and that is probably the most useful tip for Success if you really hop and you simulate what we're saying you'll be a different person tomorrow cuz 90% of our reluctance in life comes from the feeling that what's it worth it I'm never going to have what I want them to be what's the what's the um definition of failure what are you calling failure wasn't mean to fail well again that that's we that's what I just tried to change the original picture of failure that was addressing was the idea that you have to be pristine okay perfect that that's doesn't go your way that's failure again if if you're supposed to be a little cherub those giggly little cherubs so yeah they're Flawless they're Flawless that is the most purpose of life whatever my opinion is to grow okay good from yeah but but again again but in order to get there you first have to accept that you don't need to be perfect if you have to be perfect then the first failure is is totally disruptive and you don't recover from it and and you might be mature and thought out many people are not like to know you're healthy many people don't many people been married twice failed married but I look at it as so you figured it out I I look at you figured it out without a Shear to my life I understand made me who I am but did you always know this was there a point when when I let hasem into my life okay everything okay but but I know many many different I know many people who have no clue about this and their entire lives Mo listen most of my college students they're running from Club to club from bar to bar from party to party why cuz you need a lot of noise to hide from my dreams my thoughts that I had why am I hiding from my thoughts you only hide from your thoughts when you think your thoughts have Out Of Reach and how could my thoughts be Out Of Reach I'm 18 I haven't started to live yet what right well I'm 71 and I still haven't given up on my dreams good so you're great I'm but but you you agree that there are people who have yeah so that's what I'm talking to not talking to you you you you could you could you can give this share you can come do it with me you could you can give this sh let's so you give a tip let's give some tips other tips I'm giving the my first tip I gave it's hard for me to give tips because the thing is I'm generally a very Happ person and I'm a very positive person and that's why I see things the way I see and I have a lot of amuna and Hashem and I know that whatever happens good bad whatever it is that's the way he wants it and he wants me to learn something from from somebody wants me to grow from it but yes I understand that most people are not like that okay so let me crank out some quick tips me when I tell them I'm happy no they not possible not possible you're happy you're lying okay amazing how can you be happy your own I believe you could be happy okay I believe you but let me give let me crank out some quick tips not such deep stuff let's go quick tip number one tip number one short easy tips before you do anything important in life right before you do it do something positive do something good give some Saka call your mother do a for somebody cuz when you approach something feeling good about yourself you're totally you're in a whole different place you're not slepping your legs you're all your feet you're all in it's very important that before you do something do something holy do something good nothing like to another person you see the re ction not private you see someone try and do something that their whole face lights up and then go ahead and do what you wanted to do and you'll find go to you go into a job interview stop off by somebody else first I'm not saying of course Hashem will reward you for the Mitzvah in some magical way it'll help I'm talking about totally practically you make someone's face light up you walk out of that place with a bounce in your step and you come to an interview and the interview he sees that you're lit up you're conf confident they want to hire you you have great Vibes do the same thing before every date you go on a date go stop by a friend go to a nursing home do a till that's someone who's sleeping someone who's up they you see their eyes you see their face light up you see them happy when you go they give you a goodbye then you bounce you float out of there on the way home you go on the date you have a whole different vibe POS people people are affected by their action another idea maybe a little bit deeper also useful is that you have this one big secret to life is comp compartmentalization the ability to divide yourself into parts that something goes wrong you do something wrong you should be able to realize that yeah but I did 10 things right our our our failings our our mistakes shouldn't color our whole personality they should be should be a wall in our person personalities separating ourselves meaning I just I I I I didn't a whole week you know but uh but yeah but you know what I I I I helped 10 people I spent three hours in the phone with my friend sharing her up I uh I went home I helped my mother go shopping and I brought her a thing and I brought a gift for so and so and they were so happy cuz it's very important to make sure we all have good good things and we all have not such good things there's a risk that the not good things should spread in your whole personality and make you feel heavy and down if you can put a wall up in your Nish that is a wall that keeps your failings in a very in a quarantine like a tourniquet to stop the bleed to stop the spread of the thing that's a huge skill set to have it's one of the reasons why in The Firm World we're so mock bit on protecting kids innocence when they're young more modern people like to make fun and say what are you crazy you think you're going to protect a kid their whole lives from seeing all these things everybody ends up seeing everything and your kids are not going to be prepared for it because you kept them from it what you should do is you should be preparing kids to deal with things they see rather than protecting them from them it's a very compelling argument and it makes a lot of from people insecure it sounds like it makes sense right it makes sense what's the answer to that argument the answer to the argument is is nobody believes we're protecting kids from seeing things forever everyone is going to be exposed to everything 100% you're right but that that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try and delay it as long as you can cuz what happens is when a child is Young and they have certain experiences then they feel guilty and shame and that shame spreads unchecked through the whole personality if you could delay our feelings of shame or guilt till we've done good things then whenever that feeling comes I have another voice to fight it I have a boy he felt something bad but he finished the whole this makus over the summer with his father so now he whatever he learns with his Z he learn whatever he Hasa an older boy goes to Sho every night he learns this boy he finished Maas so now he did something bad but that shame doesn't destroy him because he goes wow I'm so bad he goes yeah but finished marus I feel like a million dollars if you could delay his shame for two more years till he finishes Bama now he's a superstar and now the shame will spread much l if you can make it till he actually gets older in your and he says aaba he gives a Shear people listen to him argue with him he defends the shear so then he is so equipped to defeating to De feeding the other voice nobody believes you're going to protect anyone innocence forever it doesn't exist but it's important to delay it long enough that the people develop alternative voices to combat it the similar idea is when I said is that be able to separate in your mind you'd be surprised how few people can do this we judge ourselves our whole personalities by small events they they we're overstating their significance it's extremely important to to to see yourself as a whole and that that certain things shouldn't invade on your whole existence they they they be compartmentalized another thing another advice I know most of the things I think are for guys so I I I don't know anything about girls so uh it might not resonate with you guys I have out figured out pretty good but I know TR what device I would give girls so hard keep away from poisonous people girls are already in an amazing place you don't need to get to a great place the only thing that can go wrong is someone could slep you away from it the guys need a lot of work to get to a good place a girl is naturally there it's yours to lose but you all know people who will do everything they can to get you to that to slept you away from there and don't let and all those nice words allow you to endure that we have a rule your life comes first and if you feel that the person is having any negative down or effect on you it's a MIT to do for someone the supposed to make you feel good not bad and if you're doing for someone you're ending up feeling bad and that Hashem has a big world world he'll find someone else to do for them you're not the person and the other side of this coin is is there people who when they look at you they have like like this look at you like they're quelling like they're so privileged to be your friend that they're in your life that they're so in all you they think you're the most amazing person like they don't know why you're even their friend like it's so amazing there's just an all of you so hang around those people people for some reason are drawn to the challenges people who don't like them you know I'm going to change their mind that hang around people who think you're great is are easy not such deep principles it's interesting concept what you just said because I got rid of in the last more than a year I got rid of two friends in my life that another friend who's also a therapist said better her off without them they're emotional vampires she saids you don't need that in your life very good and she's right cuz I feel so much lighter yeah two people complain and and I thought I was doing and if you feel guilty you know what you do no I don't feel guilty okay but some people will feel guilty if you feel guilty you say tum for them that's all don't call them stay tell for them I D for them and that's good listen to the complaint cuz they didn't listen to advice even if my advice was you need professional help because I'm not a therapist no they just kept complaining no I can't do it no more can't listen anymore no anybody else good good advices what what's good advices for Success the best advice is to understand that has only wants the best for us okay that's the best advice he wants the best for us and if we understand that even it's not something good that happens that we're supposed to learn something from it we're so to change something that we do good and so let me let me let me let me build something it wasn't meant for I want to build something better will come out of it amazing I want to build on that I want to say there's three things you have to know about hashem's involvement in what we do secrets to success the reasons why people are not successful generally is the biggest reason people aren successful is they're afraid to try they don't want to they don't want it to blow up in their face so they sit on the sidelines the image I like to think about for this is is the Evan iy who worked for his master for all these years and his time is up and he supposed to go free and he doesn't want to go free so he's supposed to n nail his ear to the door so what's the imagery of nailing his ear to the door [Music] you know it's like it's like the situation of being a slave is that you're you're in this place and all you can do is look out to the larger world and listen to the sounds and see the sights but you're trapped and when the day comes to go out so many people are so scared to leave their comfort zone and to go Embrace their world so the place where that struggle takes place is the doorway that place where the you meet the world you people get stuck in the doorway and what the what the what the what the symbolism is is to nail you to the doorway is sit there at the doorway look out at the world look where you're stuck it's sort of forcing you to see the world that you were dreaming of because it's easy to close yourself in the house and not think about it and not to go somewhere risky to keep to nail you to the doorway is you sit there you stay here for a while looking out you can't leave you're Frozen Here In the doorway but only way you could avoid life is because life is too exciting and too intriguing so the only way to to AV to if you want if if you're committed to avoiding it playing it safe you have to close your eyes you can't there are books you can't read and movies you can't see and people you can't talk to because I don't want to be reminded of all those things that I wanted to do so I can't go there I can't think that you have to force people to fa that's what the gamar is saying the t is saying you force the guy you stand him in the doorway you nailed him in you're not going to be able to cop out until I know you saw it and you heard it and you and then so the reason why most people don't succeed is number one is they don't even try they're afraid to try number two is many people do try but since they're scared they weren't so scared not to try but they were scared enough to do it but they're shaky you can't walk a tight RPP when you're shaking you know know so some people if if you're using a muscle you want to walk a tight robe so some people will never try and break my neck it's too scary some people will try and their fear will cause them to fall cuz they're shaking so there's the people who never do anything the people who do it and don't succeed because they're doing it with reluctance they're not tentative they're hesitant so the and then there's people a third reason that people don't try is they look at it they go what am I going to do this for you it's so far from what I want even if I don't fall and I don't succeed and I could do this I'm going to make $10 an hour what am I going to do that money I can't even do this it's not worth it so this the the answers to these things these are these are subconsciously the things that cause us to to not be we don't really work hard because we don't believe the benefits of this or or either we don't that's how I said we don't believe that we could do it or we believe we could do it but what's the use the benefits are too small my abilities are too small or the benefits are too small so what's the answer to those two things this is why we have two y of and added two y to the calendar each one of them answers to the the things that we need to hear why we're not trying hard purm tells you that no matter how dark it looks you might see no way out of it the ruler of the world does wrote against you his chief advisor is hamik you're stuck all of a sudden out of nowhere Esther gets everything she wants she becomes the ruler is in charge what that says is that you have no right to be scared go you could walk the tight RPP you know why you walk the tight RPP cuz Hashem has a safety net when you put a safety net under a tight RPP then you stop shaking Hashem has a safety net or he is a safety net he is a safety net or he provides a safety net but you're safe he's going to catch you when you fool the purpose of purm is to walk away from puring knowing one thing Hashem will catch me when I fall if you could assimilate that and totally feel it Hashem will catch me when I fool you know what happens there's a thousand things that you wanted to do that you weren't doing that now you'll do cuz you were afraid you're going to break your neck when you realize there's a safety net you no longer are scared to full so kazal added on PM because people needed to know there's a safety net the other tell you how beautiful the world is how important things are how great it is we know that but I'm afraid to do it all no matter how cool and good and holy it is cuz I'm going to so they added it on P To Tell You hasem Catches you when you fall why they add one more y of Kana what does Kana tell us what more do you need to know the purpose of everything in Judaism is to help you Hashem wants to make it easier for you and better for you to have happiness so what more do you need to know after that I know Hashem will catch me they false now I can take all the risks so still some people don't do it because like I said the other fear I'm not going to break my neck but what's the use how much am I going to make ready what am I going to get out of this still not going to I'm going to go to Yeshiva and I'm still never going to get the sh I want because I come from the wrong family or I'm this or I'm that whatever is yet we have all these tus even if I am it's not enough even if I make money I still can't buy house where the house I want I'll never drive the car I want can't make that much money so kazal added a second y called KH you know what the lesson of KHAK is there's two types of nim there are defensive Nim and offensive n a defensive N means Hashem will catch you when you fall an offensive nce means not only will it catch you when you fall but everything you do good he'll multiply it a thousand times that little bit of oil that lasts one day oh it's eight days you got a job it pays $25 an hour that's what you think 2 Days Later the manager has a heart attack and he goes you know I know you're new but everyone liked you you were on your game you be the manager and then all of a sudden you run the store and this is the most profitable store in the chain and they go like what do we have you here for you should be this and 6 months you're already like uh corporate you know who knows what could happen catches us when we fall and you have no idea how much he can multiply what you what you are I call them two things purm is that hasem is a safety net and kanah is that hasem is a [Music] trampoline a trampoline means I do a little jump and I can do 15 flips when you know those two things you live a different life all the excuses are gone what are the excuses say oh my God I'm going to break my neck no it's a safety net okay a safety net but so what are I getting what what do they pay tight rope workers you know who wants me but I want you have no idea right it's it's a trampoline you just enter the game you don't know what can happen so those are that's why added to so and these are the most important tools to get the these are psychological tools but if you can get them into your head they're true the problem is you know we're so used to going to school learning so many so much information Yos and all these things that a lot of people are so used to just hearing information we don't assimilate it we doesn't become part of me when you realize that yish K is real it it's supposed to become part of your subconscious processing system like when you when you act how do we learn how like internalize it's weird like let me ask you a opposite question like how do we not internalize it I just told you hashm gives you a safety net so why you right now not the bravest person in the world what stops that from like taking root who say she's not no I'm not I'm not I don't mean you perfectly I mean us like you as in like oh you learned information why doesn't it automatically take root what am I what am I missing I've learned a million things that I get it and I believe it and it's still not part of my equation when I'm processing it background noise because it doesn't relate to You background noise it doesn't relate to you if if you haven't personally had that experience then that's a lot but this information that relates to everybody knowing there's a safety net there's not a person in the world who can't benefit from the safety there that's that's an example of something that I I someone hasn't experienced that safety net they're not going to believe it she saying you don't believe itar you saying you heard it but you don't believe it that's your that's an answer not me but that's an answer that's an answer could be is it possible that you could believe it and it still won't work very easy to say all kinds of things learn all kinds of right but but you don't accept it yeah but to accept it is okay agreed agreed so not everybody has a really has a Muna that hashm is the safety net okay but let's say is it answer but is that the only answer is it possible to believe it 100% And still not doesn't I think I'll tell you what another thing I think and maybe I do believe it but I think for most of our decision-making processes most of our Lives we've been living for so long and we've been we we don't really think before we do we're on autopilot so when you're an autopilot you're not going through thought process so I may have downloaded more information into the program but I'm not running this Choice through the whole program I'm just pushing rinse repeat so all the new things that I grew and changed aren't really being used as part of my process cuz I'm past thinking I'm just doing it rad it also makes a difference like somebody's age like if you're talking to young people they don't have enough life experience to they're they're more into like today now they're not thinking about the future but when you get to like my age and everything I've gone through so I I know already what's happened what's I don't know what's going to happen but so how do that it's easy for me to have a Muna now knowing what I went through and how I survived it a young person like 18 20 years old you know the worst thing they're not going to find a shi they're not going to find you're going to find when Hashem decides it's the right they don't have a track record with Hashem to know that he's going to catch them that's that's that's it so that's back to the mo the Moa answer yeah so you're saying the number one answer is you don't really believe it you have tools to help people get auna me yeah besides life experience besides Hashem proving himself so you what you said is is that youa and you get auna through having been through the ringer and realize that Hashem bailed you out enough times when you when you when you see that things work out Hashem has your back then you start to trust him but things haven't necessarily worked out for me like so where does that moon to come where does that moon to come from I don't know where it comes from I really don't know that's why I say I listen to people I listen to sherim I listen to all kinds of stuff I'm thinking they're not talking to me I I'm like does not mean there must be something wrong with me that I think the way I think like it's you don't usually have as much AA as I do and I think that's you can't figure out where it comes from no no I just know 100% that Hashem loves me no matter what and even if bad things happen to me it comes out good like look my mother was an Al shalam a little over a year ago we did not have a good relationship it's so weird but I feel like I've have a better relationship with her now that she's gone than I ever had when she was alive the fact that I have like Myer to deal with and I'm giving it away left right and Center I'm having so much fun with it and I feel like I'm following in her footsteps because that she was so philanthropic and everything and I it makes me so happy that I'm able to do this and I feel like she's up there also happy with me I feel like my whole life she wasn't happy with me and now I feel like she knows the EMS and now she's happy with me so now I can can have a good relationship with her even though she's not here is that weird or what I yeah I he no good that's weird right well if we all killed our parents then be good that's that's what you're saying no okay it's a joke it's a joke no it was beautiful I it was like it was very nice it's very nice she didn't kill her mother she died naturally she doesn't hurt a fly very peaceful she had dementia for the last five years of her life so you know Tamisha was like already gone before she was gone sure she has a lot of people who have don't see the good come out even if everything's for the good but they don't see the good people died people sick sick children died or people went through terrible things and it never ended they they didn't finish but they still had a mo and they still how do they have a like that for much well the stories that are coming out of Israel now with people the mothers who have lost children or whatever their stories of them the way they're handling it it's like you saying even though you saying like him even though there weren't Happy Endings yeah you could still have who was tell who was telling the story this this week I can't even remember who someone was telling the story about um somebody's child was killed uh uh she one of the hostages and the mother and the mother just kept the shus or something the child died anyway and she was like thankful that because she kept this you know because she kept the sh that she was able they sent the the body back and she was able to give her a Jewish burial who does anyone remember this who who said it last name was oh was R okay so I mean like that's an amazing way she saw something good from pardon she saw something good from it she yeah exactly but not everyone does not everyone does there's so many stories like there's so many St that was the whole thing CH yeah that's true could said I kept sh and and my child didn't come back but no she said I kept sh that at least I got barri barrier sick boy it's seeing the good in any situation it was a horrible thing the good they don't see any good they die right and even though she sees something good out of it right but what happens to the person himself they don't that that girl who died was hostage right she was stucking as a hostage and she never saw her family again she never saw anything again yes maybe she saw thought that it's going to be good but in the end it wasn't good so you're asking asking good because now she's with has okay that's a different story no you say you're you're saying how it is good he's saying how do people have AA if if there's not yeah I'm hearing a lot a lot of stories are coming out now is that even the right time like strikes like is that even the right time for like the parent to like get up and like you know like almost giving to everybody else like why what what what give me the two sides like what describe your question what what do is it the wrong time why and is the right like what are you what are you struggling with like the question is is it possible that sometimes that's not like we know we're supposed to everything is for good but like don't talk about it why to put that aside why why like what mean like a a sudden tragedy a sudden death like I see the good in that like is it possible that that that whole idea supposed to be aside like the pain never processes somebody loses anybody you never ever ever get over that yeah but but come on things things change you can tonight that by you don't go you don't talk right there are certain rules and a structure and time every time yeah but the person can talk about it the no but she's she's asking is there a reason it's it's not a case by casee thing people people should know that you you have to know your clock and know when you're ready to talk about something there's no whole like like the whole am piece like right away when something happens you're supposed to like when something really tragic happens if they mean it if parents actually means it do you believe it not it's like sometimes I think it's people just not facing reality up TR place and it's like I don't know sometimes doesn't seem like it I hear I I hear what you she might be saying you're you're you're people that say some you're saying that sometimes people who say it it's not really a moon it's a coating mechanism they're wishing themselves somewhere maybe that's not healthy to be for you saying you maybe there's a lot of things you could be saying they're all interesting it could be it could be that maybe people are like one way to say what you're saying is do we create like a like a pressure that people have to have a moon right when we're forcing people to to to feel to to say they're feeling things or feel think they're feeling things not ready to feel yet and we're compounding problems because there's expect first of all I think I I that's the wrong I don't feel good about phrasing it that way because the truth is maybe I'm wrong I'll tell you I'll tell you what I feel that way I feel that way it's like I don't think people have just lost someone are still so artificial that we're feeling things cuz people need us to feel it I think there are certain things that are bigger than that and you lose someone close to you I would hope that at those moments are the are the moments that even the most insecure people are actually thinking for themselves and not acting for the good of the world so I I think people expressing a or not are are doing their own agenda they may not be sincere yet they may be hoping themselves talking themselves into something which is also healthy sometimes you have to talk yourself into something fake it till you make it that's not a bad thing the the the wrong thing would be where someone would feel like I have to say things because people need me to say this or I but I I have a hard time believing people are in that are like that although it doesn't would never any depravity wouldn't shock me there could be people who have just lost someone so dear and they're still trying to please everybody else could happen I just have a hard time wrapping my head around that I would I wouldn't that wouldn't be my go-to assumption someone just lost someone they're giving a on a mic giving aiz talk to everybody I wouldn't think that they're using this opportunity to please everyone around them I would think that they're true at that moment I would question like you the second thing are they sincere or are they saying what they think they have to say or they're trying to say that's also good I have no problem with somebody um trying to talk to them we have a profession called so normally people think it means I believe that that I speak but really could mean I believe because I speak meaning I talk about amuna and then I start to have it you can talking about things manifests them and you can you can you can cause things to happen by talking about them so whatever what me to be two what are the two things they don't person can feel down 100% right listen one of the most common amas is is the is the belief that Hashem is with me even in bad things doesn't have to be a positive sometimes those are easier to feel that hasem is with you like Footprints in the Sand what okay very good right right right yeah yeah but again the footprints in the sand is it's after the fact that you're saved so you can look back to look at it while you're lost is that but but but you're looking back at the moments where you were suffering and see hasm was there to do that while you're suffering is harder that's a different you know what I mean the footprints and S is a story looking back at your life afterwards and really at those moments you you were being carried some advantage point already of safety she's asked she's saying like but we're discussing could you have a Muna even even the loneliness even when you're homeless even even when I think of course you can I mean Amun is sort of the feeling like like hashem's leading me so you can feel hashem's presence that he's leading you no matter where he's leading you you know in fact if I only had auna I only felt Hashem is withth me when something's good it's a childish picture of God like aem's like a candy shop any real God is going to be with me he knows what he's doing I trusting him taking me here there so it's like we a blindfold right like you let the person like you trust the person that they're taking you the right way right exactly but but but if if if you could only do that when you're in a good situation then you don't really have a Muna because that means I'm beli in Hashem when I believe in hm when I'm almost there right but so that amuna amuna is the belief that hem is with me and the way you know you have a Muna is only when you're in Dark Places when you're in light places then you know maybe you don't maybe it's just like you're almost there so you can let go now right we actually sayos amuna shows itself at Night by daytime you don't know if it's real amuna because it's daytime it could be just words you know but the amuna isn't that hasem is saving me Hashem is with me I trust it's like like a b the best mush you're on a bus the bus driver you know there's two people on a bus one person he he just he just terrified yeah every every every every time the bus is driving he's holding on the seat in front of him with both hands you know he can't look out the window he can't listen to his music cuz he has to make sure like everything's safe he looking at the old day right and the other guy he trusts the bus driver comes on the bus he take a nap you can read newspaper look at the scenery talk to people one guy gets home sweaty sore worried stressed the other guy is refreshed he read a book he made friends what's the difference one guy trust the bus driver one guy didn't you know so Amun is that hasm is driving the bus it's it's a simple childish mush but it's the most powerful musle you is driving the bus yeah this is more on the top of tough and I was just last week with a bunch of girls and we were having a little the fight so this girl is telling me that her how she grew up what she thinks p is is that if you want something enough you're going to get it if you want if you want this and you're going to try hard you dab him for it and you have to t you get it you're going to get it and you whatever when I said that what I how I grew up with what I learned and what I think is that um I have a that yah could give me everything I want but he might not give it to me but and this is what best me could give me whatever wants but whether or not he gives it to me that's it's best for me and then then after discussing someone else told me that's aish versus Li way of viewing it and then it's so first be then like but could be one thing it can't be oh if you is it that if I believe or enough if I could get it or is it that I yeah we believe all these things there are different levels there am there's there's there's so many subtleties in each one there are many different levels it's the belief that whatever Hashem does is good it's the belief that and and there is a belief that if you totally believe in something has will give it to you is that true yeah I'm sure it's yeah why isn't the true some people want something and they really believe going to give it to you if he doesn't think it's right for you it's not it could be know it could be you can get things that you don't even it could be it's like you know they say has always answers your prayers yes but sometimes the answer is no I know and sometimes the answ is yes when you ask hard enough is very complex it's a whole stud but there's definitely an idea that that you can control your destiny by being totally it's not like it's the same thing as saying it's possible to make a billion dollars doesn't mean that you have the tools to do it you know it exists we're we're we're underestimating what it takes to get into such a zone of you know where you you really have trust I'll give you a really cool example of this I use this to explain this question people ask does hasem answer so there's a few classic answers you said one of them one of classic yes Hashem always answer says sometimes he says no the other answer is the classic answer is Hashem answers always Hashem gives you everything you need but not everything you want that's another answer so I have a different answer my answer is Hashem gives you everything you ask for whether you need it or you want it and he never says no so what's the cat any right now right now anything no catches no fine print I'm giving you a blanket answer what's the catch that doesn't happen what that it doesn't happen no it happens Hashem gives you everything you want whatever you ding for whether you need to it's good for you bad for you terrible for you wonderful for you whether it never says no everything blanket good so what's the catch the cat the catches is that who davens nobody Davin this I'll show you I'm I'm going to work it out for you here's how it works you go here here's what happens Hashem gives you every single thing you D for come to hasem here's what I want Hashem and hasem um I I I so what you D for i i d fory ticket well let me me let me show you this this is not the same thing this is listen to this listen to this this routine go hasem sh gives you everything D for so I didn't get what I wanted to what did he do for i d for like World Peace So hasem says oh World Peace that's what you want right that's not what you want like I told you I'll give you any single thing you asked me for and just tell me what you want and you told me world peace that's not what you want what do you mean that's not I want I want World Peace stop it what do you really want she goes what do you mean I said come on I saw what you want wanted you were looking at the Lamborghini he goes I'm allow to ask some goes I'm allow you go I'm allow to ask for a Lamborghini I said I told you to ask me what you want like just be honest why you lying and say like I told you ask me whatever you want and you tell me world peace you wanted a Lamborghini then you wonder why he didn't give you world peace you didn't want World Peace you were a lawyer I'm allow to ask for a Lamborghini I whatever you want so the guy goes okay some want a Lamborghini has goes you liar you don't want to lambor First you say you want world peace and then you really want a lambor you don't want a Lamborghini what do you mean I want a Lamborghini you you you told me yourself you so I wanted the Lamborghini I said yeah you say you want a Lamborghini but nobody wants a Lamborghini why do you want a lambor what do you what do you when you say you want a Lamborghini what do you really want a nice car you want a little coved and Lamborghinis are that everybody should oo and out at your car that's who you want don't tell me you want Lamborghini you want some covered ask me for covered why like you want to know why I'm the answering feel you didn't say one word of feel yet you're just sitting there acting you want World Peace okay then you get honest you want a l beginning you're still lying then I'm allowed to ask for covered try you know but be honest so that goes okay Hashem I want some covered he goes you liar nobody wants cover who wants cover you want people thorning at you what what what do you really want when somebody wants covered what do they want therapy what to be want to be happy what happens is they want to be loved but it's very very risky to be loved it's very V maybe they won't love me maybe they won't maybe they can get hurt to be covered is a respected as a much safer way to feel connect to people that it's like a one-way thing where there's no risk I'm not I can't be reject I'm not opening myself to be rejected it's their trip that they have cut they're respecting me but it's a cop out thing you really wanted to be equals and to be in a relationship instead you you you're you're sticking your toes in the water of relationships by asking for covered so so then the guy goes okay Hashem I Want Love Goes liar you're still a liar still a liar well everything you have to peel off the layers like what do you really want so set up the that we can never get what we want you want to feel not set up not set it up don't know we're so not real we're so fake what I don't know what everyone's saying different get what they want and they bir does that mean they really want it if someone doesn't get if someone doin over and over and over and they're not getting answered does that mean that they don't really want it's a lot of principles but I say not that that what do they what do they really want yeah what's the solution to that don't know what to ask ask what are we supposed to be doing what else is it so what do you really want what do you really want how how far how far can we play this I want a million thing what is love what why do we want to be loved feel wanted we want to be valid we want to be deserving we want to feel good love is love is a validation see that's different to be loved or to love there's a real desire to love if I ask hashm I want to love somebody that's a real request but to say I want to be loved in used to ask us I think would you rather love or be loved if you could have one of those things I think love love why love why okay well thinking about my children because I don't have a spouse or anything like that but if I love my children and I show them how much I love them and I tell them how much they're automatically going to love me back okay so you want both though see that that's good but but no but you want to love some no it's it's true but you're right listen that because it's better to be when you love your is very I I'm not knocking your that's a very good plan it makes total sense but I was asking philosophically if you only have one which one would it be to love that's the right answer I think that's what would say it said because love is your experience being loved is their experience they're the ones feeling it you don't and it's better to be a giver you but you don't feel anything from someone loving you it's just validating it's a it's a little validation trip the reason people want to be loved it's the vote of confidence so you don't really want that when you want when you ask to be loved what are you really asking to feel good about myself you don't want to feel good that's also a law you don't want to feel good about yourself you want to be good feeling good you don't feel good you don't be like so the only real that's weird you know and the deepest way I want to be good I want just like just help me help me help me help me do the right thing help me feel good help me be good so we should never die for specific no you should want a good life you should you should I'm just telling you it's a gimmick I was using this to show you that I what how did I get here I was showing you there's so many levels of lying to ourselves we're so not in touch with who we are nobody wants Lamborghinis you want agulation and you don't really want agulation right you just you just you want relationship and that's a safer way to have relationship to open yourself and be vulnerable so we're so complex but what human beings want is really I just I'll show you I just somebody else a whole different way to show the same thing imagine that you're like the most successful guy in the world someone like a Steve Jobs you know you made Apple and you're wealthy and smart and so that guy imagine that he is so everyone loves him everywhere he goes he's like a rock star but not a rock star because Rockstar is just a play through of Music he's actually contributing to the world he has an important role so he has he can hold his head high but let's say the guy comes home every night he has three billion people in awe of him but he comes home every night and his wife is home and she's crying when he comes home so how's that guy going to feel how does he feel horrible why how does one woman have veto power over a billion other people because she's in a personal relationship with him everybody else is like he doesn't know who they are oh cuz the other people have no idea who he is right they see one little fragment of my person it's not a competition their vote against hers they don't have a vote there's only one person here who knows me everybody else I can con they're only seeing one slice of my personality I have a good slice the only person knows the whole there only a few people who know the whole you your kids your parents your spouses brothers sisters these are the people and those are the people who can who have control over how you feel about yourself and there's a hierarchy in that so let's go through that let's say the entire world thinks you're amazing and your kids think you're amazing well let's say let's go order the whole world thinks you're amazing but your kids don't you feel bad because they know you the whole world thinks you're amazing and your kids think you're amazing but your parents don't think you're amazing so they know you you know the score I my kids thought my kids are dumb you can TR kids parents are grown up UPS you can't trick them so the bottom line is you have to think yourself okay let's see let's see let's go through all the steps we'll get them maybe that's what we'll get let's go through the steps I got understand you know you got to the punch line but let's but let's get there let's get there you're going to throw me out of here to no no no it's okay it's okay the truth is I'd rather go to sleep and let you finish it for me I want to go to sleep too but I don't want to miss it so so you what do you call it you uh imagine then so what's the next step so now everyone in the world loves you your kids love you and your parents love you and your spouse is crying so look like C so now thank you so now we no no it's good I got to go to sleep so now so now you have what what's the hierarchy the whole world has Authority until your your your kids have more Authority your parents have parents your parents have more Authority on your kids because kids are you could trick them your parents think you're wonderful too your wife has or husband has veto power on that why cuz parents are biased they're your parents so now imagine the entire world thinks you're amazing your kids think you're amazing your parents think you're amazing your wife thinks you're amazing it's now you're happy only if you think you're amazing right if you know that you're cheating on her so so then you're the only one who has veto power on her cuz she doesn't know so ultimately the only person who control your happiness is you nobody else matters cuz play it the other way is true too imagine the whole world hates you and you come home and your family you walk in the door they they're the happiest people in the world they know you so that's what that's what the whole world doesn't matter and technically you can come home and your whole family can think that you did something terrible to them and and they can hate you and you know that when they thought that you weren't there you were they thought you disappeared at the most important time in their family's life cuz Mommy was sick and really you didn't disappear you went to secretly donate the kidney to Mommy because she would never take your kidney so she had to do it secretly and they were all angry that at that vulnerable moment you were and couldn't be found so are you miserable now when everyone hates you cuz the cuz you know what you did ultimately on every side of the coin the only thing that really matters is what we know to be the truth I from both ways I showed it to you inila with the Lamborghinis I'm showing it to you with what was the second way there the Third Way what was the middle way brain is fried but whatever it is but ultimately we we get the world gets so wrapped up with these artificial highs these artificial trips and then not real doesn't mean that you can't D for them because Hashem will give us Hashem will give us things that are even not good for us how do you prevent that that you don't prent it Hashem is hasem hasem realizes that light see if it was only about perfection then you wouldn't need 120 years that's All or Nothing Hashem is willing to slowly get us to the I I've davened for so many things in my life that were like bad but Hashem gave them to me CU going yeah it's good enough for me now so that's why we're supposed to die we're supposed to say for the good only no no not even for the good think if you should D for things that are along the way it could be so saying you know what you okay you're going a little slower than I thought but fine it's the right direction you know I sneak out of Yeshiva you know I'm not saying not making up a snare snuck out of Yesa to go to a movie and I get there after all that and it's so sold out I'm so devastated hasem can make it that you know some go over oh you need tickets I have to some emergency I had to go home and gives you tickets so that's that's the Su trying to mess up your life and maybe Hashem saying you know what I'm not only going to help you have youa I'm going to help you on vacation too cuz vacations are important or maybe you need maybe you needed to feel we don't know the whole picture maybe you needed to feel a little break maybe you would have fried your wires maybe maybe you needed to know that Hashem has your back and he's willing to do things that you want even though he's not thrilled he's taking care of you before him so many complicated things going on but the cool thing you know is that that's the real tip is every time something happens you know that hasem hm's making it happen hasm controls the world he could stop anything he want he can derail things he can make things happen you're always at the spot that Hashem wants you to be in and he always designed it for you and it's always in the scripts you could literally live a life where you're always feeling that sometimes people get there yeah when you're in pain or you you're scared You're vulnerable then you live with it total cognizance of every moment this where you feel the stuff you see hashem's hand in everything it's the most amazing thing almost worth being in terrible tar just to be in that place you know because as soon as the tar or the fear or the danger passes you go back to the real comfortable life and you lose all that subtlety so I know let's end with one more advice for Success what's a good advice anybody have a good advice what are advice as we said the ability to compartmentalize the knowledge that hasm has a safety net the knowledge that hasm has a trampoline don't be afraid to fail no the shame Don't Be Afraid don't be afraid to fail yeah well that's well that's the safety it's a is that the safety that who was somebody was telling what's his name steuart heightman about some that came to his house for shabas they had applied for jobs remember the story yeah 500 500 jobs how can you send an application 500 jobs and what was it then they kept job I don't even remember the story now and and they now they got a job all of a sudden what and then two weeks later yeah that's what it was I hear that's all that's and they didn't obviously they didn't give up but they didn't think their life was over and you know they just kept trying now that's auna whether they kept Shas they didn't keep Shas they keep 500 oh my goodness took them 500 failed interviews to finally realize that maybe needs God a slow he's he's a slow learner it's called the slow learner all right I don't know I don't know there anything worth watching over here there like a going back to before yeah and the bus crashes oh you you you stuck on the guy who uh who everything's totally messed up in his life nothing good ever happen bus crashes then what happens I don't understand how you asking these questions you have the best job in the world you sit here you sit here filming Torah classes a whole day sending them out to the world knowing that the holiest people in the world are benefiting from your work and your questions are so dark it's so encouraging everyone could still have questions no matter much you know right know but I'm saying but these questions is like what say a question out loud the guy's life was everything terrible happened nothing good came out of it everybody died that's what you're saying right that's your question you you he figured he was going back to your story no he figured out a way that anything positive that you wanted to say didn't happen that's what he saying he doesn't want you to answer that something good came out of it what happens when nothing good came out of it okay the father left there was orphans the orphans the orphans had no one the orphans had no one to support them old starve to death you was talking weren't you talking about the bus story that the one guy was nervous I asked the first question and then I'm going on Contin on this so say the question say the question the whole thing what the question is yeah what are you doing no say it say it he forgot the question you know the bus Story the guy says that when I die I wanted to be peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather not screaming in Terror like his [Laughter] passengers he's a guy guy jokes never ouch all right want to ask the question ask the question good good why Wow to see what time it is last time is Nate's the young guy you guys pull all nighers twice a week right the only reason I'm still up is because I only have to drive to Brooklyn tomorrow not back to Toronto all right one last anybody have a last thing go ahead it's sort of going all the way back to the beginning but how do you like reconcile the that's the thing you started with which was like taking responsibility and question somebody asked that when like you do a stus and it doesn't work and you're like probably doing something right and then we went to after that it say U that it's really just the mouth Happ so then it sounds like there's no real responsibility that's like the only way move forward so I I didn't I didn't really make that connection the M tapping you was the answer to the first thing you giving me too much credit I'm much more disjointed what like the point start let's let's go let let me think let me let me hear Let me hear what you're asking so what's the question the question is let's work this out the fir the question that we started with was failure how do you wrap your around there on failure that's basically what the question it was more when you started talking about taking like meaning take responsibility work and you're basic like not doing it right well I was responding what was it the original question was can I use up myh I never really got around to answering it are what kids are scared about enjoying life kids are scared that if I enjoy life too much I'm using up Mya and I I was I was going to answer it by saying that whole view ofab is a very artificial that I get points for pain and reward for joy and punishment for joy and and because that's based on a value system that suffering is Holy Brokenness right I was trying to reframe it that whole opposite way that that rewards aren't rewards for pain and pain isn't the punishment for joy joy is the reward for Joy and Pain is the reward for pain like it's really the opposite of the way we see the world happy happiness is is a Mitzvah happiness means you're living okay so okay that's what we did then so where' we go what's the question where would we go from there you wanted to go back to part of that what she asked was that meaning when you do a stym you keep trying and you keep and it doesn't work then it came like a few times that like people said like well sometimes it's meant to be like you don't want to go there and then you got depressed and then decide talk about so you want to know the the it doesn't work how do how do we look at it doesn't work okay so people ask this question all the time like I didn't I didn't get to the point in the talk that prompts this question more the part that you says that meaning you're not that you're just not doing it right like way you answering at that yes let's do let's let's do this this is the last thing we do let's let's do this how do you answer this question all all of my is is that the purpose is to dance in the G what is D then people ask okay good so what's dancing in the G what am I supposed to be doing hasem wants me to live my life totally use all my be all what what what's the opposite of hiding in the bushes living what what suck the marrow okay very good working so how does that look how does that look to be get everything trying very hard and then seeing the accomplishment okay good okay now so I'm going to rephrase it in the neatest way the question we're asking is is how do I fully be me who am I what is called being me so you're saying how do you be you how do you be you if I wanted to be total I don't want to waste any part of myself you know what let me make it I'll do it the cool way I used to do this years ago I haven't done it in a long time it's worth it it takes takes 90 seconds but it's really cool okay so here's it's gonna sound like I'm saying like really deep philosophy I'm I'm really saying very dumb simple stuff so don't don't read into what I'm saying we gonna do this together don't think I'm saying something deeper than I'm saying and you won't figure it out take what I'm saying in the dumbest simplest lowest way possible okay I'm going to try and break down like a deep way of saying the world into the simplest phrase um Hashem is everything I am not everything how do I prove that I'm not not everything I'm not everything because you're here if I was everything there'd be no room for you so I know I'm not everything okay so am I nothing can you prove that I'm not nothing how do you know I'm not nothing cuz you're here cuz I'm here and my seat's taken so I'm not nothing cuz my seat's taken I'm not everything cuz your seat's taken okay so if I'm not everything and I'm not nothing so what does that make me something something very deep okay with something Hashem is everything and I'm something good now so if I'm something here's where it gets interesting and Hashem is everything so what is the relationship of something to everything part something is part of everything good so now when something says all these spiritual terms that we use I want to experience Hashem I want to know Hashem I want a relationship with Hashem I want to exper lot of ways we phrase the same thing so let's switch it to my terminology something wants to experience the everything something wants to experience everything some something wants to feel connected to everything something wants a relationship everything so could we could we translate that into what that means what is the experience of everything that something can have this is the only deep question something already has the experience with everything because it's part of everything which so therefore what is you're just saying they already have it so I'm asking tell me what what is the experience of everything that something has something something good good let's let's see okay so someone got it I heard someone say it but let's I want everyone to get it let let's let me give you a mush that we could sort of like a visualization imagine a pie of pizza the pie is the everything every slice is a something piece so what is the experience of everything that something has you're a part of which part of everything which part of everything the something the something which something it's so when I say I want to experience God what am I really saying you want to have a relationship with yourself I want to experience me yeah I am the exper the peace of God that's available to me hashem's everything I'm something something is part of so what is the experience of Hashem that I could have yourself me so my goal of life is to totally be me any part of me that I'm not is a piece of God that was available to me that I wasted any piece of God that's not me it's a waste for me to try and experience it it's out of my reach so my life is about totally being me failure is one of two things either real failure is not being me or trying to be someone else which is impossible and that's not called failure I was banging on the wrong doors you have to be able to identify when something doesn't work were you being you in the wrong way or you trying to be something that wasn't you a lot of times we're trying to be something that's not us and that's not called failure it's just it's you have to learn your limitations you know I'll give you another way to see it like when I was a kid we live in the city we had a room we had a highriser so every night we would pull out the lower bed and uh my brother would have one I would have the other one we used to fight cuz the guy with the original bed had a against the wall right and the other guy was like a floating bed in the M little room he didn't have a wall so we took turns who got the wall but I I I realized years later I once heard someone talking about how everything he tries to do he Bank bumps into a wall everything is everywhere you go I'm blocked everywhere I go is blocked and the way he was talking about it I realized that for the first time I my life I heard the reference to a wall in a negative way and I remember to me wall was always we were fighting for the wall and that's a very deep thing to realize that sometimes people are saying I'm bumping into a wall and I was like that's the most painful thing I'm trying to be something and I can't get there I'm blocked and sometimes people are going there's a wall it's so cozy so happy there a wall what's the difference between the person who says that the wall is cozy and the person who's frustrated and devastated by the wall so I think the difference is the person who's frustrated by walls thinks he's supposed to be everything if you think you're supposed to be everything the walls are devastating but when you know that you're a something there's nothing more cozy than a wool CU now you found your spot you know exactly where you are you love to have your back against the wall because that part of me is clear now let me figure out my next walls are life is this the process of discovering the your shape how do you discover your shape you keep on expanding until you hit the wall and then you mark it good I figured out my Northeast boundary then you move west but the truth is you never really know for sure where your Northeast boundary is Maybe you had to knock a secret code maybe there's a password maybe you're supposed to knock harder maybe there's a window somewhere so you keep on probing but the difference is is that when you know you're not everything you don't probe with panic you're not searching CU you're not everything you don't think you're everything so you're not worried you're curious you keep on trying but it's very possible this is really my boundary and that's cool I'm hoping it is cuz I want understanding I want precision and that's the way we're supposed to expand everything I was given the the B the gift that there's a piece of that everything available to me and I want to know the whole thing so I want to find all the angles at the same time I don't want to stop too early because maybe it goes goes further but I don't want to spend too much time pushing this way cuz it might be an end when this whole other years I haven't explored yet so that's the Journey of life and figuring out when is it worth going to a new area that I know is open when is it worth pushing forward on the places I'm getting some friction on to see if maybe there's more room to expand there and you have to play those equations in your mind but as you're doing it it's a whole different experience when you realize I have boundaries I'm trying to discover them then the person who thinks they have to be everything and that's the humility the knowledge that Hashem made you that you have a set place the phrase we use a very powerful phrase a person should be recognize his place it's a powerful phrase because it encapsulates everything we said in one sentence means two opposite things it means that first of all I'm not everything but it also means I'm not nothing I have a m but I have to know the limitations of my M life is about being mock M finding your place in the world and the knowledge that it's also cozy to know that wherever I am there's someone else this is somebody else's back when I hit the I'm hitting the next person everything's available it's a symphony somebody else picks up it's a relay race somebody else picks up where I end you just got to know where you have what do I hand off the Baton to the next Square in the set and practically what it means is also is that this is a mush of expanding yourself but a good way to visualize the world in this system is to picture hasem is this giant square like a chess board and every person in the world is one box of that square it's the same as my pizza Marshall just Square just easier to picture squares so Hashem is the everything he is the whole box the box is a 10x 10 squared is 100 pieces all of us but then each box is divided into thousands of little boxes my box is also a grid because every single day of my life is one of those boxes the whole box is my whole life so every day I'm supposed to fill the box in my box of that day and that's life the way I be totally me is every day to be me that day one day at a not even one day I'm working with days one opportunity at a time every single thing as it's G as hhm gives you an opportunity you're saying what that translation is Hashem has exposed me today to another piece of himself that I could connect to let me let me spread out into that box let me embrace that box so the the in life is is am I going to expand into the new box that was offered to me or am I going to pull back and not enter that box cuz maybe I'll fail maybe I'll get hurt maybe something bad will happen to me in that box life is a visual is is a good way to visualize is expanding into these new and eventually to fill my whole box which is the whole of that was available to me but understanding at the same time that the the the vast majority of the boxes are not you they're somebody else anyways you know something actually a liit of yours or something okay so now once you start pushing on a wool how do you know when it's a wall or it's just uh waiting for a secret you don't know secret you don't know you don't know here's how I say it let me figure out exactly what the words were had a precise way to say it I haven't done this kind of stuff in years it's like too philosophical like to be much more real but sometimes you need a good framework to make things neat how I who am I you are who you will be when you try if you put in all your Kus you put in all your effort then you'll find out who you are anything that you you don't become after you put your K in that wasn't you right you you you are so you we don't know who we are I'll discover who I am I'll discover Who I Am by being all in and then I'll be me so you be all in and then you'll find out if it was you so okay so then you're asking a nuan thing I'm I came to this spot is this a spot to stop but to go somewhere else let's make it into a real case not philosophy let's see if it's easier to see I'm in Yesa got a lot from the Yeshiva maybe there's more I can get out of the Yeshiva but maybe I can go to a new place where I haven't a new rash haven't tapped into and I can from day one I can get new stuff right so how do you decide that how do you decide like just I just had this Vision this picture of I'm harvesting a field right so you go through the field and you realize you leftover store so at what point do you go back and get the new stalks or or do you just go to a new field where you can chop down and every chopping is going to chop down much more because it's unharvested right at what point in life do you go back for little pieces as opposed to exploring new areas and which is much more productive so how do you answer that okay I'll end with this muscle Maybe this is an answer it's not the answer you'll expect but it's a good it's a real story I I used to say this story a lot I had a friend of mine someone I knew it wasn't a friend he was somebody I knew in Lakewood he was like one of the original like atrisk peoples they were a couple they got married they were both had like a history and they got married and they it was like one of these houses everybody went to that a big TV and you went it was like the place that wasn't tired thck in town and uh had a bad reputation whatever it was nobody thought he was a terrible person but he was just you know he' been through stuff and it's a small It's a Small Town those days people were tolerant but it wasn't considered a good place one day I'm daving in sh and I I'm in satmer in lakehood it's like this minion Factory and I see like four rows ahead of me sitting like right in the middle of row is this guy looks like him I don't see his face I just see him from the back but I'm pretty sure it's him I know there a certain way even though you don't see the face it's moving I don't know what it was I just felt like it was him but I couldn't get to him and I couldn't it's middle do I wasn't going to be a yen to just walk around to see if it was him but it didn't make sense to me that he was that it was him cuz the guy who was there was sitting in the middle of the row and I I never thought of it before but it just didn't match it was like I was figing out why doesn't it match and I realized that a guy who's not with the program can never sit in the middle of a row you have to be really in a good place to sit in the middle of the row you need to be you need to be by a an aisle seat you know exit row you need an exit row people would people like this don't usually go to Sho if you go to Sho you got to be in the exit row you got to be in the back row you got to be in an aisle seat to be able to book out of there right so just i c that it was a cooling to in middle ofing but I realized that that's what bothered me it couldn't him cuz the guy I know would never be able to sit in the middle of a row but here he was and as daving was going on I realized yeah I can't be him because he's still here you know and then it was after alenu who stays after alenu not that guy so I realized but kep them moving it was I was more and more convinced it was him and as he were going further further and then daving was over and he was still there like saying the the an m and the so it's not him but he just was more and more convinced that it was him and I was like it was trippy I wanted to like just resolve this in my own head like I was like waiting him to finish and he was just doing more and more stuff he just didn't walk up I just like I was already like too proud like I was already like too vested I wasn't like it felt like cheap just like he's going to turn around he's going to leave I'm going to see who it is I'm not going to go like whatever I know it's complicated so I'm sitting there guy turns around eventually like by time no no turns around and it's him I was like Wow cuz that by that point he was so it was like 15 minutes after ding he did tell him who knows what he did over there it was like a whole see this came more and more of mind I said how could I be so off about this guy like this what you know he must have like gotten his life together he the tra whatever it was so the guy's passing by and I figured I'll say something people deserve you know like I put myself out there I just said the guy I said listen it's none of my business but I don't know what you did but you just look amazing you look you just you like glowing you're like I I was just I I just I said why know as soon as I saw you I knew something was amazing he goes how do you know he says you don't know me and my wife we changed everything how did you tell so said I'll tell you the truth it's not going to make sense but you were sitting in the middle of the row like I'm a weird guy like that whatever like put it out there whatever he goes like he looks at me me and he like the F the first thing was like and he goes like yeah like I never sat in the middle of the row before like we had mon to something he goes yeah wow yeah you don't know we like went through a whole thing we're like so amazing such a good place it's really great I said call amazing keep it up you what three days later I get a phone call from this guy he goes remember we met in sh the middle of the row I go yeah yeah yeah how you doing he goes I see you understand these things I want to ask you a question so what's the question he goes my wife and I whatever we got like our whole Ras together you know like we really worked hard we changed things around we change was so amazing it feels so good I just now start to get like a drive I want to start going to the gym and I can't tell is it that you know I got my Ras in order I feel so good now I want to go to the next step like I gained weight like I want to start like becoming more of a balak going to work out I'm going to get fit I'm going to feel my heart rate I want to want to get feel better or maybe it's like I'm scaring myself I'm becoming too yeshivish and I want to go to the gym like to keep I shouldn't move too fast or become too too lward I want to hold on a little bit to who I was so he goes how do I know so I said I said first of all you're not all to answer such a question you have to sit in such a question for a couple of days this is when we say someone's this is what we mean is the person who asks these questions you got to lick your fingers and like marinate this the most beautiful question you are struggling with is this which voice is this is this my desire live or my desire to hide is this the this is the struggle and that's this is the holem sits in sh and the people asking these questions he's like just sitting with you a whole day watching you he's like fing you watching your face being perplexed like he's just hm's tripping off your perplexion perplexity I don't know he's like whatever like look at this guy his mom is struggling with he says but if you want an answer Lisa there is a there is an easy answer I'll tell you the easy answer but it's not practical it's totally worthless but there's an easy answer you know how you know the difference what's the easy answer easy answer is you go to the gym and if you feel good in the gym then you know that you are going vter and you were growing your and if you feel ashamed you'll know you were running away and you feel a setback you know how you feel growth creates Pride and Vibes and you just feel amazing and setbacks running away creat shame so the problem is that's not an answer because as soon as you go do it now you felt shame now you ruined your whole trip and now you're in that space so you can't go there even though that's the theoretical answer I said I can give you a different possible answer but it's it's probably just like philosophy not in reality you'll test you'll trest in your mind the other answer is is you have to get into your car in your driveway where you put your little baseball cap on and your bag and you have to see where the gym feeling kicks in if the gym feeling th kicks in when you get to the gym and you get on the machine then then you're holy and you're growing cuz when you start to feel the gym that's if you start to Thrill starts as soon as you get in your car and you put your baseball cap on then you're running away if it's about going to the gym The Joy starts in the gym if it's about running away the joy starts in your driveway I don't know if it's 100% true because you can enjoy a trip to something holy you can enjoy the journey so it's not a but there is value to that way of thinking why am I telling you this whole story as an answer to your question I think that the real answer is like this is is to leave the philosophy and go to the psychology you will know when you're searching for who you are and when you're banging on a door that's done I think people have a sense well you don't know for sure which one is but you know which part of you is knocking I don't know for sure if there's something behind this wall if it's a real wall but you'll know am I knocking further on this wall because I'm too scared to try a new place am I knocking further on this wall cuz I really believe that it's Hollow and there's something behind like I got a lot out of this and I don't feel like I got everything I can out of this direction has has more for me over here I don't feel like I reached my end or am I just wanting to stick with the place that I was successful rather than going into the unknown in a new Arena that's what you'll know the usual way to know if what you're doing is exploring further area or pushing a dead end is to search your mind am I doing this out of being or running away is this cop out not am I hoping to find more easy searches or am I I really believe this is like there a Payday behind this so that's I think that's the answer you have to be in touch with yourself to know and that's real is to start to taste to know when you're when you're walking towards something or when you running away from something else and that's the most important skill in religion in Judaism most important skill is to B identify am I running forward or backwards you can't tell simply the person themselves can tell you you'll know it in your you'll know what how it makes you feel you'll know how your heart beats it's a certain beat a certain breathing there's a certain excitement that you feel when you're going somewhere promising out of out of happiness and there's a certain way you do it out of desperation or out of hiding or out of convenience or out of easiness and that's the way you could tell is to be in touch with yourself you'll know what's driving you you don't know what's behind anything you only know you where the ruton is and the desire is coming from and that you could identify it's so okay I just feel like the whole thing was so philosophical and uh apologize would have been like to me more practical but uh you know I'm blame it on you it's it's like chin they say chin works out based on the based on the guests she the same way sometimes you talk to your crowd something about you guys is like too cerebral maybe maybe I'm just projecting no I get all the blame all right it's always next year try and get more grounded C