Pesach: The 7 Ingredients in Raising Successful Children

this Tower class is brought to you by torahanytime.com okay good to know you everyone good evening all questions should be addressed to Rabbi Harris after this year so actually this year started off as the 10 steps to raise successful children and then I realized I was uh competing against the dinner so I narrowed it down to seven bezosem in future years we could uh I want to share with you seven ideas the first idea I think is pretty revolutionary but when you examine the sources I think it's a pretty uh very well documented traditional idea in Jewish child rearing and it may come as a surprise to many but nevertheless let's try to study some of the classic sources on the subject of parenting now obviously when it comes to Parenting you need a a large healthy dose of Common Sense which as they say is not so common but nevertheless as uh all study as all subjects require study and Analysis should be no less you know we're very quick to go to self-help books and listen to what uh modern science tells us about psychology or child rearing and sometimes we Overlook that which is obviously has a lot to say about the proper way to raise our children so let's go back all the way to the beginning and I want to bring to your attention a discrepancy between the way yakovino spoke to his father and the way ASAP spoke to his father and this is very surprising we know that Yitzhak was blind and he was supposed to be giving the brachice to who he thought was ASAP and he told us that's why tonight's dinner was to commemorate the the first Pascal lamb that was uh served by supposedly Aesop to yes but of course yakovino goes in and yet recognizes right away there's something very fishy over here the way the individual standing before him spoke was not the way Aesop typically spoke so the first thing that peaked the Curiosity of Yitzhak that sort of threw him off is that the individual standing before him invoked the name of Hashem said let me feel who this is Rashi points out ASAP did not typically invoke the name of Hashem and then Rashi points out on the possev that we know yakovino spoke courteously yakovina would say no yakovina would say please ASAP would never say please and the person standing before him said kumna please get up so your success to himself is this is this asaph Ace of all of a sudden is saying please so these are the two discrepancies that we're all familiar with we know that yakovino said please ASAP didn't typically say please yaakovino invokes the name of Hashem Asaf doesn't usually invoke the name of Hashem but there's another amazing difference between the way Yakov avinu spoke to his father and the way Yitzhak spoke to his father and this difference is picked up by none other than the great Rabbi Adler foreign Adler was a very actually very controversial figure he had a run away from his community he was involved in many kabbalistic practices that were not accepted by his kahila but the samsifer stood by him through thick and thin so I'm sorry for writes that he did not pull his hand away from his rebbies hand and all of his rubbies exiles there's a major difference between the way yaakov spoke to his father on the way ASAP spoke to his father and that is yaakov spoke to his father second person get up please second person like I talked to you you talk to me second person and Aesop speaks to his father third person like maybe you speak to a rebbe yakum Avi well the tat to get up and at first glance it would seem that Asaf is displaying much greater kiburav to his father then Jakob yaakov speaking to his father like he would be his friend and Aesop speaks to him like he'd be a Rasha Shiva yakumavi says with nothing Adler this is the difference between Jews and Gentiles Gentiles speak to their father third person Jews speak to their father second person this is the tradition in the Jewish people doesn't explain why would that be why would Gentiles seemingly display greater courtesy greater honor to their father than Jews do comes says that the rebel explained that there's a big difference between the relationship of father and child by the nations of the world as opposed to the Jewish people by the nations of the world they're so to speak there's a generation gap there is a disparity there's a distance between Father and Son so the father approaches the son approaches the father from a distance so the son says yakumavi third person not so by the Jewish people the Jewish people speak to their father the way we speak to the ribena Atta you second person directly because there's a de vacas there's a connection there's the Korva there's a closeness there's an ahava we have a concept brahmazaka Abba foreign and because of that closeness because of that connection we don't allow ourselves to speak to the parent in third person instead we speak to the parent second person so that's already an eye-opening comment it's a surprising comment if I were to ask you what is the job description of a parent how do you define the role of Father how do you define the role of mother say I don't know um role model authority figure teacher guide leader let's try to examine apostle and this is an observation of shim and Schwab and this is an observation we're going to see in Rashi throughout we have a posse comparison foreign so if you look at numbers if your brother will seduce you be he the son of your mother your son your daughter even if your son seduces you even if your daughter seduces you oh yeah or your wife or your soul friend interesting individual there is a person in this world that the Torah refers to as not just rayacha your friend your friend that's like your soul you know your best man your best friend in this world who is this guy who is says Rashi ha right she says your father that's your mother that's your parent how does the Torah describe a parent the description of parent the job description is this is your father say I don't know maybe it's a drasha who else does it refer to it doesn't mean that that's the definition of a father okay so we need to uh we need to corroborate this Viewpoint that a father is supposed to be the closest friend that a child has in this world let's take a look at another so pyro has these dreams nobody could interpret the dreams and they tell power you know there's a man in the dungeon he's supposedly he's expert at interpreting dreams to the Yang command of the prison and they bring Yosef to paroi and Yosef interprets the dream and we know the rest is history and the brothers are looking for your safe and the brothers have nothing to eat and finally Yosef reveals himself to his family and they're getting nervous because I'll say they started to back away at first they were going to try to kill you safe and the plastic says tries to calm the brothers down he says you didn't send me here like him God sent me here and you know what my role here is of amparo's parents sarashi says what amparo's parents how is Joseph para's parent he's maybe an advisor maybe why would Yosef use the word of you ready for arashi it's Dr ashila Patron what's a father your friend your supporter so I said okay well Rashi has to explain the simple meaning of the Posse because Rashi really defining for us that the definition of a father is a friend comes from shim and Schwab he has nimukum at the end of each parashah rev Schwab writes that from Rashi we see that the dastairah the torah's definition of parent is your friend that is the definition of Parenthood meaning the definition of father is best friend so if you pay your kids tuition and you make sure they come to chakras and you learn with them and you take responsibility for all of their Affairs in life but when it comes to a relationship you're not their friend so are you fulfilling the description of father says no you did a lot of good things but you're not fulfilling your role as of means who says this Rashi by the way was an orthodox rabbi so Israel Schwab Rashi says this throughout the definition of [Music] so it's interesting you have rashi's samsifer seems to be saying a very similar type of thing that the the relationship of parenting among the Jewish people is fundamentally different than Parenting by the Gentiles by the nations of the world but let's take this even further there's another rashi's Rashi says yaakov tells his brothers remember the story love unruns after yakubovino and finally on the seventh day love on catches up with yaakovino and they're having this meal on the Mountaintop so they need to gather Stones so yaakovino says he calls his brothers yaakov says to his brothers so actually by the wing Yak of sisters brothers Jacob doesn't have brothers he has one brother is not calling Ace of to schlep Stones says who are you who are yaakov's brothers his children his children okay so Rashi seems to be saying that yaakov avinu had a relationship of Brotherhood with his children say no that's not what Rashi means Rashi just has to identify who these people are who else could they be other than his children wrote a commentary on the safer khaside did not live in the 21st century he didn't live in the 20th century lives 200 years ago says treated his children like his brothers [Music] not like his inferiors yaakov didn't consider himself Authority yaakov treated his children like his brothers says what should we do but Kane not talking about kids in kindergarten not talking about five-year-olds talking about teenagers adult children treat your children as if they're your brothers ask their opinion treat them like they're your friend treat them like you know you're you're friendly with each other you're on equal footing they know they're not unequal footing you know they're not unequalified but treat them as if they are you don't have to listen to my advice only if you want to have peace in your house then things will be calm and tranquil and then says don't take my word for it there's a safer called safer now safer khasidam is probably the most strict of the ashkenaz okay so you're not going to expect to find these type of ideas in the safer hasidim no says he brings the gamatria he named is to teach this idea that is deriving from Rashi namely that if you want to have peace in your household the type of relationship you want to cultivate with your children again it's talking about adult children teenagers and you'll uh it that certainly requires study and Analysis what is what is the exact age and how it applies but it's a certain approach the approach is that one should treat their children like their like your brothers who says that Rashi either and somebody showed me very recently writes that when he would walk with his father in the street the way his father was no Hague with him people thought they were Achim mamesh these are the words of the son of that's a sort of an eye-opening uh perspective I don't think this is something we would have expected to find in some so if you would have expected this is like a new Vogue new approach 21st century approach to this is the traditional age-old of how a parent should try to cultivate a relationship with his child let's take this to the next step another Rashi it's not on the sheet this is literally one of the most astounding things I ever saw it's so astounding that in the second volume of the safer they took out part of it but I'm going to tell you what it said in the original volume you could imagine why it was taken out but the Iker nakuda is definitely uh still in the second edition and Ms fiatsov let's go to the Arcada if you want to know how to raise the child you you would have expect you could expect that uh let's study what did avraham avinu do you know he's the first person who was able to raise a god of Israel so is there anything we could learn from the hanhaga of avraham avinu how he was able to produce now it's interesting I don't think we find too many words that took place between Abraham and Yitzhak and the whole Torah I think maybe avram only said to Yitzhak two words in the hamesh I mean do you remember any conversations between Abraham and Yitzhak there's a very brief conversation that's recorded in the akeda but let's go to the beginning avraham God tests Abraham you ready avraham what does avraham say one word are going to the Arcada now by the way what does hinene mean s Rashi says being prepared to fulfill one's bidding so avraham and yitzlak are going to the Arcada and yet has a little bit of an intuition that something is uh might be a little uncomfortable for him Yitzhak is getting a little bit of an intuition that there's something unusual taking place there is a Tata what's going on and I think this is the only conversation in the Hamish between Abraham and yitra hineni behold here I am what didn't avraham just say that word to the almighty doesn't Rashi say he Nani means lotion of humility and now avraham goes and turns around and he talks to Yitzhak with the same humility that he spoke to the burial Islam the same Anita's the same he Nanny he just used that in talking to the almighty and now avrah mavino turns around and as far as I think this is one of the only if not the only words avraham says another says from here we learn that with the same anivost that you speak to the boy Ray Islam you should speak to your children you could say what you want he says he spends a good chunk of his day dealing with youth at risk he says the overwhelming majority of the time it's because the parent doesn't speak to the child and if you want to know why he says in my opinion avrah mavina was able to produce a yitzhakavino it's because avra mavino had the anivos to speak to his son with the same humility that he spoke to the Almighty and then when Galileo writes something and they took it out of his book I saw because in the second volume I couldn't believe it was in the first volume it's it's almost heretical but I assume you have to take it with many grains of salt and understand it in the context that he said it and you could probably understand why they took it out of the book but in Madura aleph of the safer Torah he says in the name of his mother that his mother would say and my kids are laughing I'm trying you know I'm doing my best right his mother would say if the Tyro was written today obviously that line itself is already you know Beyond The Pale but if the Torah was written today it wouldn't say kabera it would say and they took it out of the book probably for a good reason for many good reasons and really I shouldn't say it over and it's I never said it you never heard it we'll take it off the tape but if there was a first edition and that's what it said then that's what it said but it's really an amazing observation from Rashi and if we have one conversation in the Torah between avraham and Yitzhak and that conversation is then that's sort of all we need to know about hinanibani next idea so that's number one number one somehow to try to develop to cultivate a relationship of Friendship with one's Child Number Two to try to develop speaking to one's child to show them that you value them number three okay so you want to speak to your children about the importance of Russian Hara you want to speak to them about the importance of not wasting time okay so you're gonna you're gonna bring some partial sheet to the table and you're gonna read in this week's power Shah we learned the lesson that you should try to be careful don't even bother if you're just reading a partial sheet to them if you're just repeating over advantara and you're saying it then it's not going to have any impact on them writes famously if you want to convey something to your child it better be on your heart you better mean it you better feel something about it you better be passionate about it but if it's just something you're repeating oh my rubby told me this so I'm telling it to you doesn't mean anything to me no am I seeing it with any kind of feeling emotion is it really important to me no I'm just telling it to you don't even bother says the level of impact and so this is not only for parents for teachers for abeyam the level of impact that something has on the recipient is directly proportional to its meaning to the one conveying it if it's meaningless to you if it's on your lips it will bounce off the other person's eardrums but if it's on the heart of the noise saying then it will enter the heart of the Mercado it has you want to give over something to your children you better mean it yourself it better be meaningful to you right today the buzzword is Meaningful everything is Meaningful I can't take it right have a meaningful Shabbos you wish me have a good Sabbath if it's going to be meaningful I'll decide whether it's going to be meaningful have a meaningful fast none of your business whether I'm going to have a meaningful fast or not you tell me have an easy fast as far as your concerns I actually have an easy fast if I'm gonna have a meaningful fast I'll decide with but everything has to be meaningful today well if you want to have an impact on somebody else it better be meaningful to you number four this is a just a simple huskuni nobody's listening to a word you say you could give speeches nobody's listening don't kid yourself that you're going to say something at them and they're going to actually listen to you this is amazing I heard this from Uranus and sacks Robin Passaic just a simple huskuni wants to know what was wrong with the original system where the avoidance was performed by the bukharam yeah that was the original system first born and Next Generation firstborn does the other direction what was wrong with that system writes there was a there was a problem with that system it was a faulty system the problem was that if I'm a bukhar and my dad is not a bakar so my father is going to say you know kid I don't know how to do the avoida here let me write down on the Blackboard a okay go with oh B go into the Mikvah see put right foot first he said dad but you don't do that you don't go to the next video but I'm not a bukhar so the kid is already handicapped because he's hearing what he should do but he's now learning by personal example sashem had to switch the system basically the only system that's going to work is a system of linear lineage we are the levy it doesn't have to hear something in the classroom but he's able to learn by personal example so his grandfather was a lady and the father was a lady so the kid has a fighting shot to do what he needs to do because he's not learning information he's not learning what he's taught he's learning what he sees he's learning by personal example personal example will stick it will be effective it will be transmitted to the Next Generation so if you want to teach something to your kid it's not so much about what you tell them but how you are yourself and then rupam has a bigger now this I have to say rapam doesn't say there's a source in Ghazal but he says it's from his personal life experience they asked for Palm how do you teach their hearts to children rapam says it's not something you teach it's not even the kid is watching how you deal with other people rapam said the kid is watching how you deal with them rupam would say that I mean everybody know rapama was once asked the question somebody once came through a palm and he wanted to know whether you're allowed to say a word a strong word for be quiet s h u t u p that was the big soil wanted to know the answer Palm are you allowed to say that so they came through a palm and they said you know there's a certain word it's not it's not a clallah it's not a dirty word but it's not so refined I just want to let us sitam said what are you referring to you know tell me exactly what you mean so the person was embarrassed to say you know said you mean you mean fresh you mean fresh Palm said no you shouldn't say that it's it's very coarse it's not refined so this is the type of sensitivity where palm had and he says he learned it from his mother you know on a Friday the mother asked the kids you know could you set the Shabbos table could you help me out and rafam would say that his mother she would ask the children so gently so calmly like they're like they're doing her the biggest favor in the world would you mind kindly setting the table for the Shabbos and then when they would do so the mother would Heap on them such and how amazing they are that the child naturally wants to emulate not the way the parent deals with anybody else other than the way the parent deals with them themselves foreign that's number five the best way to teach your child is the way you interact with that child number six I once read a story and you know every story and every book of course is obviously true and it's mamished I'm just joking I don't believe any stories but they're good to say over when you need to and you know stories like a muscle you know if it could illustrate a point then but this story I I think I think might be true I want one of my favorite books is Tales out of shul so they're Rabbi Manuel Feldman writes that he remembers when he was a little kid his um his father would be learning at the Shabbos table and he would come down Shah this morning and his father would say to him Mendel is so enjoyable it's so enjoyable and a parent a father like that you see he produced great Personalities in the Jewish people there's a very beautiful and Powerful of us the gemara says in many places why was the land of Israel destroyed question is what do you mean says in Yuma the first place moves was destroyed avoid so the lavish says like this a very important rule of us I understand why the base hamiktas was destroyed basically destroyed because of the big three the Cardinal three are by the Zara Gila was what happened to the children in the Next Generation where are the tamide that's the question and the answer is they didn't make foreign you know why we make a Brach on the tire because you make a bracha every time you get enjoyment in this world a parent a father a mother that makes the breakfast because he's teaching his child that there's nothing more enjoyable nothing that brings greater satisfaction happiness the worst thing you could do is Dad where are you going tonight I'm going to share but Dad you're so tired yeah but just like the Jews in Auschwitz in dachal they were moister netfish Hashem to learn Torah I'm going out to Ashira just like they did 70 years ago I'm Giving Up on myself the kid says yeah so I'm not interested in that you could be my sir nepheus I'm not interested in my serious you don't want your kid to think you're being moist or not this you want him to think that what you're doing is the greatest joy and happiness and most meaningful thing you could possibly do in this world in this world okay here's the grand finale we'll have to we'll have to give the executive summary of number seven this is one of my all-time favorite stories so they came to the stipler somebody came to the staplers said stipler going please give us a bracha for and raising our children we want to have children so stipler said there are no brachas they're not sugulis what time now 92nd okay there are no Brokers there are no school eyes all there is is Fila Fila Fila Fila the stipler said you see over here every day was already 52 years old was 58 years old one day after minha rukheim was waiting for the stipler and the stapler was happening minha an extra 15 minutes he was said what's wrong tati why are you why are you crying the stipler said you know I heard that you ever say there every day after minha and that today you're not going to keep your say there because you're going to the wedding of a yes and I'm afraid you're regressing so I was crying because I said rebuncture I've been Joyride demise for 58 years that my son should be erased and I have a little bit of a sense that maybe you're having a urida so it really it hurt me so terribly that's why I was dominating extra today says the medrish the icker ingredient in raising good children is Fila Fila Fila Mission Not Just Married means when you're driving carpool when you're going to the store throughout the day the focus of a parent should be on the physical emotional and spiritual welfare of their children thank you very much you've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by torahanytime.com