Part 82: Taking Advantage of the Breakthrough Moments

you doing okay good morning everyone I want to thank dor and AI Oram for sponsoring uh this morning in the next several Amun in memory of their beloved daughter Miriam Esther should have alah and you should get and comfort through our learning of amuna should serve in her memory and to give you strength we are making our way through this piece inab we spending several weeks on it on the theme of el and a theme which is relevant for this time of year but not exclusively this time of year but really speaks to our and throughout the entire year and the theme has been the theme of one of the acronyms quoted by the the great cabalist for is that I am to my beloved and my beloved is to me we have a lot of metaphors we have a lot of examples for our relationship with Hashem and says the highest metaphor the one that's most accurate the one that best depicts the Rel relationship we're supposed to have with Hashem is not of friends and is not of parent and child is not of boss and employee but is a romantic relationship of a husband a wife of a man and a woman of Romance of Love of longing and in that context is that I am to my beloved and the whole theme that theab has been developing is that our mission in life is to submit to devote our sense of an our an our anus our sense of self our identity our independence our ego should be Li that I'm trying to make my will conformed to that of Hashem I'm trying to be in in consonance with him and when that happens hem reciprocates that just like in marriage and just like in human romantic relationships when a person is willing to put the other ahead of themselves then the other reciprocates and wants to put the other ahead of themselves and that's the nature of the relationship with that's the miss that we should make our will conformed to his try to make what we want be what he thinks we should want the it happens to be that what he wants for us is the best thing for us right so that when when wants to go out for mil and I want to go out for fik if I make her will conform to mine it's good for me in terms of shom bias but it's not good for me in terms of the meal of course everyone knows fik is much better but it happens to be but when you make your will conformed to hashem's will I told the Comcast story last night this year by the way my converting the Comcast emplo so it happens to be when you make your will conformed to hashem's will you're not sacrificing or submitting or or or or forfeiting hashem's will for you is better than your will for yourself so it's really in your very own interest it's like you make your will conform to the nutritionist who's telling you what to eat you're not you know you're not compromising that nutritionist is telling you what's best for you to eat so when we make our will conform to hashem's will for us in terms of what to eat spiritually then we are then we are conforming to what Hashem feels is really best for us okay and it's in that context that he explained this regarding my regarding my sense of self regarding who I am my prayer is that I'm able to succeed in devoting who I am to you that when I'm going through my day and I'm feeling a conflict I'm feeling a tension between what I want from me and what I know you want from me I'm ble to make my will conform to what you want from me when regarding my sense of self my prayer what I'm always thinking about is how I can make it conform we're on page B the second side uh two four six eight lines up from the bottom there's a DOT everyone see where we are there are times that we ask for small favors small things because it's not the time to ask for large things and there are times that all we can think about are in small things I can't think I can't contemplate I can't apprehend I'm not trying to achieve world peace right now some enormous transformation asking for the small things get through the day the moment this work out well the small things right in the sentence of d one of the things he says is when is it that I'm trying to tap into making who I am conform to who you want me to be when is the best time to be doing that during an we talked about last week what's an we talked about the one it's the holy of holies it's the holiest moment of the week when we think shabas is disappearing and we're losing the power the energy of shabas is really when it's at its peak when it's at its climax it's the the highest point of shabas too many people don't tap to that and Achieve that described was his weekly was sh that's an ace there are other Ace this is a period of of did we talk about that last week that speak to hasem when he's found what's right that we call to when he is accessible to us to which tell us what does it mean during those 10 days and that's the notion of the king is in the field you try to have access to the king but he's in his Palace so you can't get through you can't get by there are layers and layers and layers of guards and Senior staff and social and Secret Service and it's impossible to get access you can't talk to them but sometimes the king is in the field the king is out and when he's on the parade route or when you're going to be at the rally and you'll be able to grab him for a moment then you have access so this is the time of year that we're told even though sometimes it's hard to feel hashem's presence in our life it's hard to feel we have access we feel there are layers and layers of barriers it's hard to feel his love his intimacy his presence his hand on our shoulder this is the King's in the field and thei I think it's the who says not just it's not just the 10 days that Hashem is out of the palace but it's all the whole month of el this whole month of el Hashem is accessible Hashem is available to me so this whole month is an aaton and an aaton can mean externally or internally meaning can be that the cosmos provide me a moment so every sh the world is providing me that moment and we have many mystical sources that talk about the cries of the baby Ascend and bring with it our most heartfelt fos under we give them names and people to D for it's their personal we have these moments embedded in time a woman at the a woman at the Mikvah woman lighting candles on Friday night we have these moments of time which are embedded this a to tap into where don't just don't just ask for the small things right if you get a meeting you stop the president while he's walking down the street because the oppos to be out campaigning or out a rally and you've got an audience with him don't just hand them your parking ticket and ask him to get you off the parking ticket that's a ridiculous waste of that opportunity you got some $25 parking ticket that's not what you get you had access access to him for those are those are the big moments that's you take advantage of the large things during the when you don't have access so you send the parking ticket with a cover letter to somebody who you know who knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody maybe you can help me with this but in the Ace rat when you have that audience closing the doores we have this audience we have this opportunity in that time don't pass it up don't pass it up we feel our nothingness are unworthiness that's a great feeling it's a terrible feeling but it's a great feeling meaning inherently some might say feeling unworthy is not going to motivate you for personal growth but on the other hand we we are in a generation that's not struggling with feeling too unworthy we feel too worthy we feel we're all that it's the famous or the Kat or a million other people in whose name it's quoted that a Jew walks around with a pet in each pocket you walk around with a note in each pocket and one it says the whole world was created for me Hashem put it all together technology medical breakthrough the world the pleasures of the world it's all there if no one else existed if no one else were created Hashem would have done it all just for me this world is my oyster it's all there for me on the one hand we should understand that we are just beneath hasem that we are just beneath hasem that's where we are it's God us the angels and then everything else in creation that's who we are we're the children of royalty the whole world exists just for us that's in one pocket and you know in the moments that we think I'm unworthy I'm inconsequential I'm invisible I don't matter what's the point of my life what's the point of any of this everything that's happening to me is so Random then you pull out that note and you say no I do matter I'm royalty I'm the child of God and this whole world everything in it is there just for me to tap into to enjoy to benefit from to mold to shape to contribute to conquer it's all there for me and then you have the moments where you feel you know what it's all there for me I'm all that it's all for me so then you pull out the other note I am gour I'm nothing I'm unworthy so marish part of our mission is to is to feel unworthy so in that moment of by the way could just me that you're really inspired you just witnessed the sunset you just experience a great gift you just had something coincidental Happ look seemingly coincidental that you feel was orchestrated from above that's an ace rut Zone to tap into something just came together something just happened and you feel you just sat at a kumit and the song lifted you you just whatever that moment is that transforms you that's an ace rone that's a moment of personal opportunity of breakthrough and what are you going to break through with who are you going to think about what are you going to contemplate the best how are you going to be the best version of yourself so in that moment of aaton what's our what's the prayer when I'm having that moment of personal breakthrough that high my is that I'm taking my whole sense of and I'm dedicating it to you so during this this time of the year part of the way theara is working is you know what it's telling you it's telling me it's telling all of us who you kidding you go through this every year it never sticks it never works you have these dreams you have these goals you make these promises you offer these pledges are we really going to do this routine again this year you really think it's going to be different this year that's thear that every time you start a diet says you know what the first time you cheat the next day says who were you kidding how many times have you done this the exercise routine the effort to be patient last night we spoke all about about patience and and trying to conquer anger our impulse for anger that Yahara which we know Yahara is not some little you know Little Red Devil on our shoulder Yahara is the internal voice of self- sabotage that we struggle with it's the animal impulse in us the Instinct in us so that voice one of the ways its methodologies is to say who you kidding who you fooling you've done this before you do this every year and every time you come up short it's there to say I told you so it's there to say don't bother in the future but the saying no the way to overcome that voice with the is to say this is an it's going to be different this time I have a breakthrough moment and a breakthrough opportunity and I always believe that my Best Is Yet To Come we spoke about on shabas a few weeks ago the Insight of how do we praise hasem not when we live a life where we're stuck in the past where we beat ourselves up about the past where we feel unworthy because of our past where we can't move past our past and we can't put it down we're still carrying the woman across the river and we haven't set her down yet if you remember the story from the jha that's not how we praise Hashem how do we live the most meaningful virtuous life a life that is in Praise of we do it when we live Hashem I can't change yesterday all right I had the bag of potato chips I had the chocolate cake I cheated on the diet yesterday I lost my cool I raised my vce they promised I wasn't going to get angry and I flipped out on my kids all right so I looked at the thing on the internet or I spoke to juicy lhara which I know I really shouldn't have shared but you know what that was yesterday and yesterday's gone and I can't rewind the clock and I can't go back in time and I can't change it so I'm not going to get stuck in it I'm going to learn from it I'm going to be informed by it but all I can do in life is all I can live is V now and going forward that's an aone when you live in El you heard that inspiring Shear you listen to that incredible music you experienced that moment that brought a tear to your eye you saw the Sunset you experienced nature The Coincidence thing that happened to your life whatever the example is it's providing an asatu it's an invitation it's an opportunity it says right now is a breakthrough it's a breakthrough batttle It capture it return to it come back to it you know on all these great experiences for kids they'll often at the end have the kids write themselves the future themselves a letter didar just get a letter from herself from the past when was it from from fifth grade right the fifth grade teacher she graduated high school she's now in Israel barem doing fantastic fantastically well B Hara and on her way to leave our home from graduating 12th grade to go to Israel she got a letter from her fifth grade teacher she got a letter from sorry from her fifth grade self to her now post High School self right which is a it's it's a great exercise so people do that for kids but we should do that for ourselves everyone should go home after Nila assuming you had a good niila and before you break your fast write yourself a letter about the year that you want about what you felt about who you saw within you because you know what's going to Happ happened by the by the last days of sukus Maybe by sukus maybe by the end of the breakfast of Mo yipper maybe you know by by mum Kipper know this guy on the internet he asks all these questions and these pictures of rabbis with the answers I don't if anyone sees this so he asked me this week his question for this week is what's your favorite oner so I at first I wrote but I changed that thought was a little too a little too cynical so Byer you're already saying you're already saying in theer what exactly did you do wrong everyone says it was that it was that sigh of relief the Kipper's over thank God that's right so we can't even get it keep it going 10 minutes past jipper already forgive us so it's going to be lost so imagine if we would capture it today you don't even have to write a letter to yourself just put your phone on or you can email yourself email yourself or or just take a video of yourself interview yourself take a video of yourself for one second talking to your future self your future self being tomorrow saying that was amazing I tapped into something I felt hashem's presence I felt the unity of being part of a community there was an energy I really believe I could do it this is my year and when the cynicism and sarcasm will arise within a few days you go watch it and say you know what maybe I don't feel the same level of energy but I saw something in myself I know I have that in me so the point is that we are provided these Ace ruton these moments of breakthrough opportunities invitations for breakthrough and the question is will we walk through the door will we bottle it and capture it will we come back to it and revisit it will we be willing to remind ourselves that we saw a piece of ourselves the most authentic version of ourselves and now we struggle because that's one of the acronyms for Malta what is it Malta whatever the it's good to hear today I can't remember anything had a very late night last night so whatever the is is I don't think that's it you have to there's a lot of acronyms for L and one of them includes circumcising your heart what does it mean to circumcise your heart there's no M who you can hire for that what does it mean to circumcise your heart circumcise your heart means that our heart has layers and layers of covers has has virtual spiritual foreskins and the mission is to peel them back to cut them off to reveal what is most authentic and that's the struggle that we go through all the time there's the most authentic version of ourselves there's the most real version of ourselves there's the best version of ourselves we've seen it maybe we get to see it once a year for 10 minutes maybe we see it once a week maybe we see it once a day everyone's different but it's the one who's able to make it through daving with cavana to walk away feeling energized charged like I really just connected with Hashem there's that moment as a spouse or as a parent we feel you know what that was the best version of me as a husband or a wife or a mother or a father right I I I was such an example or I was devoted or I was willing to to self-sacrifice or I was fully present in what I was doing or I felt overwhelmed with a sense of Love there are our best moments in every realm of life and the mission of el the mission the whole year but particularly of el is to reveal that most authentic self is our most authentic self to be our most dominant self not to have our most authentic self be hidden and covered but for it to be so revealed that the best version of us is the US that everyone knows and not the US that only a few know or only some know during certain times and that's that the to break through and to convince ourselves that th that that that's the real self that our best is yet to come too many people mban the current president of the OU has a wonderful article in Old claw perspectives it's an issue that talks about what it means to be a balabas it's written mostly towards men WR okay fine it's written entirely towards men about basically the transition from going from Yeshiva years to being in the workplace to graduating Yeshiva to leave the Cocoon to leaving the the bomb shelter of the Yeshiva and to go out into what we call the real world and he says unfortunately what happens most people think Yeshiva is a place that is defined by growth right all the conversations and and Seminary same thing girls seminaries right you're lying awake late late at night in your dorms maybe this happened before there was cell phones and FaceTime and texting and being in touch with all your friends but you're you're grappling and gripping with all these questions these existential questions of who you are and who you want to be and is there a God and can you feel his presence and a million one of these questions and then what happens you graduate that stage of life and then you go to the real world and you feel that my best is behind me my growth years are behind me and at best what I'm trying to do right now is maintain I'm in the maintenance phase right so if you're going to again compare it to the diet so my Yeshiva or seminary years are my weight loss years my exercise years and then when I graduate the rest of my life I'm trying to do maintenance I just don't want to gain the weight back I just don't want to lose what I'm doing and his argument in that article and it's so beautifully written and persuasive and important and and really articulating a very different vision is that where does it say that once you're out of the educational phase of your life you're done growing where does it say that you have to live life thinking thinking that your best is behind you we live life the exact opposite as Jews our mission in life is to think and feel all the time that my Best Is Yet To Come that my growth phase is yet ahead of me I haven't D my Bon yet I haven't done my most self Act of yet I have not been the best parent or spouse I can be yet I haven't professionally achieved what I want to achieve yet I haven't LED my most healthy lifestyle yet in every realm and area of life whether you're 20 or whether you're 80 at every phase of life we are to believe that's what l in this period of the year are about at every phase of life we are to believe that my best EX Is Yet To Come is ahead of me I've quot it often that um the great architect Frank lyd W it's so good you're here today we missed you so much last week Frank Lloyd Wright who was a brilliant architect and designed award-winning buildings around the world was once asked towards the end of his career what's your favorite building what's the favorite design that you've ever done and his answer was my next one my next one right and that that's exactly our mentality my beston es is not I remember once and I was in Israel and this thing happened happened and I was in my year and I remember I had this incredible I remember once that I was able to in every area of life as parents as spouse as hasem as Ben T Tor our best version of ourselves in every one of these areas is Yet to Come is ahead of us there are there are Ace ruton that are still coming and that I can't wait for we have all kinds of positive influences that create an environment that create a condition a climate a culture that enable and create an aone sometimes we have to generate our own aat who we hang out with and where we hang out and the atmosphere we create creates an a ratone it creates an which is an opportunity to break through so so helps he's he's the one who provides the climate the aone and we have to Davin for it we sometimes forget to Davin for his help having personal growth Hashem help me in my learning help Hashem it's kind of paradoxical your daving in hasem help me in my daving that that's exactly how we start by the way what are the opening words of you know who said those words said them in I think it's it's the where after he SS with b and the navi comes and criticizes him and says you messed up he offers him that to but he begins says I feel I've disappointed Hashem so badly I'm so far from him I have so little unlike the king is not in the field the king is in his Palace and he said I can never come again feels I have zero access to him you ever hurt someone so badly or you made such a mistake or you messed up so much that you feel like I don't even know how to start this conversation I don't even know how to call I don't even know how to start the email I don't even know how to start the conversation I don't even know so that's how Hashem open my lips tell me what to say help me find the right words to fix this to make it right to connect with you again and I always find it so meaningful that those are the words that we use you knowm between and I blew it I made all these promises at chak and then I ignored you until between and I blew it between Mar and chak the next morning I blew it all these promises all these pledges all these dreams I had all these things you expected of me and I didn't do them I neglected them so I don't even know if you want to hear from me so hasem Hashem help me help me move my lips help me find the right words so the first thing we DAV for in daving is for our daving hasm help this daving flow help it go well help me concentrate help me find the words help me connect know what's in my heart how do we end ding we say I don't know if it worked I don't know if it worked I don't know if I found the right words I don't know if you feel felt it but what I did say only be and what was in my heart you know what was in my heart right so when I sit with you and it's just not coming out right I'm trying to say the right thing and I can't fix it and it's just not coming out right but I'm telling you I feel in my heart I have the right intention that's nice but the other person doesn't have access to download what's in your heart all the intention of the world if you can't articulate it it's very hard to communicate it but not so with Hashem with Theon sometimes you walk away from the conversation with him and you say don't know if I got it with the right words but you know what's in my heart you understand how I feel and where I'm coming from and I want you to know that so we start our daving with a daving with a that we have a good daving need your help help me find the right words so we need to dve into hasm that's the first one ow there Hashem helps Hashem gives us the words he helps and it means this is the entire thesis of is unlike unlike I won't call itus because I don't like that positioning it as adversaries but unlike other hashas and World Views which place the emphasis not on attaching ourselves to a sadic but attaching ourselves to Torah not to suggest kidas doesn't also endorse support attaching ourselves to Torah but the doctrine ofas is the doctrine of of thead which is that you find that righteous person who's the moral model the example the compass and now you calibrate your life based on them so you come to their Tish and you watch the way they eat and you want to eat their shim because the way they ate food is categorically different than the way you ate food you ate food to satisfy your Bo you ate food to indulge in the pleasure of food yeah you saides but thead ate food with all the correct intentions and kavanas and elevated and transformed the food so you want to eat some of that food you want to embi and absorb some of the kadha of a food which was elevated through the different way that the tadic eats right that's that's so to watch the way the tadic DAV to get the BR from thead to only live based on the advice of thead to eat the sh of thead is the doctrine of thead so o says not only in this world we find that attach ourselves to him oh today is the birthday of the bmov the just came to my attention this just in so good but says not just the living sikim but we can also ride the coils of the sadik will no longer here that's why we always say that's when whenever RAB says Zion that his Merit should protect us that we are attaching ourselves even to those who are no longer here right that we are attaching ourselves to those who come before us so when you go to these holy sites why do you visit the grave of aad why are we going there we don't believe we're not worshiping them we're not ding to them it's a terrible misnomer those who do are violating idolatry and paganism we don't go to the graves of the righteous because we're ding to them there's a Min quoted by the to go to the cemetery during this time of year s cha why you going to the cemetery it's very simple we have a very big court trial we have a big hearing coming up so I want the best lawyer on the planet advocating for me and if I have a lawyer who I know plays golf with the judge has coffee with the judge smokes a cigar with the judge knows the judge in the judge's inner chamber that's the lawyer I'm going to and I'm saying could you put a good word in for me so when we go to the and we go to the grave of the of the righteous we're not going because we're dominaing to them we're going and saying can you be a meit yoser can you be my Advocate can you represent me I've got a big trial in the Heavenly Court I have to appear before the judge I know that you're much closer with the judge than I am I'm barely an acquaintance to the judge I'm practically a stranger to the judge maybe a times I try to be close and friends to the judge but you know what you oh you have a history with the judge and the judge loves you so can you be my Advocate can you be my lawyer that's what we're treving when we go to the the grave of the righteous we need a Salvation and we turn to answer me truthfully we ask we ask to shake the heavens on behalf of everybody that we experience's name be made great in this world that we fulfill our mission that we achieve the day where where his name and the world are are consistent and are one where people see Hashem in this world so aaton sometimes happens to us unanticipated unpredicted unchoreographed unplanned and in those moments we have to at least have our antenna up to see it to feel it and to try to break through in it to bottle it to write the letter to ourselves literally or figuratively to be able to return to it in those aaton we have those moments they're there and we also have an obligation we have a responsibility to create those aaton for ourselves and for our family how do we have a shabas table which is going to be Anon every week for our kids there areos there Tor there's cerie there's love there's friendship there's there's storytelling there's sharing how do we create that ace rone at the shabas table how do we create that Ace ratone with each upcoming holiday is the holiday only about I told you a few weeks ago I was making my way through this essay in B Mish by I think his name is R Schwarz on the and he talks about how the appetite of the body and the appetite of the Soul right that created both the body and the Soul they only work in consonant a body without a soul is lifeless it's a Golem it's meaningless the soul without the body can't exercise Free Will in this world it can't exist in this world they only exist in tandem that's the they only exist in tandem the soul can only express its Free Will in this world and he was talking about the fact that the body naturally has an appetite if you don't eat a few hours you are hungry you don't need a day you're starving you went a couple days you're ravenous and your body tells you when it's hungry and you have such an appetite to eat that it supersedes other appetites I came back I won't tell you what time but very late last night there was a project I was working on and I was in my office till very late last night early this morning and I was hungry because it was the middle of the night and I went to the refrigerator at whatever ridiculous time that was until I stopped myself and said go to bed this isn't sayane there's no reason you have to eat but the point is no matter how exhausted you are if your body says you're hungry you grab something to eat on the way to sleep the hunger for food supersedes the hunger for sleep because we're insane until we can until we can regain our sanity and say that's ridiculous there's Absolut no one ever woke up the next morning and said you know the bag of potato chips at 2:30 a.m. was a really good idea that was nobody ever woke up and said I'm really proud of that decision that that that goes among my hall of fame decisions ever no one ever woke up the next day feeling proud when they saw the bag on the on the counter so um so the appetite is natural It comes naturally and rwar says what about the appetite of the soul the soul also needs to eat needs to be nourished needs to be nurtured but it doesn't have as natural an appetite so it doesn't just go hours without eating it can go a day it can go days and to be an EV hasem to really be living the best version of ourselves is to cultivate within our soul an appetite that when it goes without Torah it's hungry goes without Torah it's hungry imagine if you didn't get to learn the whole day you didn't get to listen to One sheer open one safer learn the whole day and now it's 2:30 a.m. and you're going to bed and you say I'm so hungry I can't go to sleep without a little bit of Torah I just have to read one paragraph one paragraph one sentence I have to read one I have to listen to one minute of one thing because I'm so hungry on my way to bed and passing out I have to feed my that's the degree to which we're supposed to get so we talked about that a few weeks ago but what I read this morning what he talks about is he says it's so tragic that our entire calendar revolves not around the appetite of the soul but the appetite of the body think about how we live is every holiday we associate with what am I cooking what's the menu what's the food what's the activity of it right rashash is coming up got to get my apple and my honey and my fish head and I'm making the roast the recipe that my great-grandmother's been making that roast since uh since the beginning of time right and then yum Kipper I'm not eating so we talk all about the preast and break fast what's the menu then suus what's the menu and if it's not the menu then it's the physical or material component of it it's the chauffeur or it's the building of the Suka got a great program this year just came up with yesterday where we're going to get volunteers to help build suas for people who need help building their suas habitat for jity what's his name Matthew's idea of a program Mas you what's his name habitats for jity anyway so but we're so focused and concentrating on do I have the most expensive arogan is myo well decorated and designed and what's the menu and what's the menu and P of course are hin and pesak is 101 ways to make potatoes or or matab or like our our our immediate Association of the holiday is our gastrointestinal appetite what's my or or consequence but what's my what's my what's my appetite and he says isn't that tragic shouldn't it be what is myish going to Crave rashash is when I that davening and that feeling and that connection and Which F is the one that moves me and which tune is the one that transform me and which is that moment I need to reach for those tissues because that's the point in davening that I am left changed Ander and sukus and which it's a total realignment and Paradigm Shift of the way that we identify with and associate with the Jewish calendar it's not just gastrointestinally not just the appetite of the pallet but the appetite of the soul the craving of the Soul so how does that happen how do we create that Ace rotone that sucus leaves you changed walking out of the Suka not just because it was overwhelmingly hot and humid or because the menu was great and so you're stuffed and need a wheelbarrow to be rolled out of your Suka but how do you leave where you say I felt I was sitting I was in the the shade and the shadow and the protection of Hashem I was exposed to the elements but I had no fear because he had me I felt his hug the two and a half walls of the Suka hugging me how do I come through rash sukus this period of the year but the whole year how do I come through every shabas which is a holiday feeling that chabas was what did it I had a big experience this is why I went to New Square for that chabas not just so I could milk it for all these articles and Dres when I got back which is why I do anything in life but also because I was craving my Nama was craving access to touching tapping into something I know there that I've experienced there that is hard to get elsewhere I'm not romanticizing new Square it's got plenty of problems there's a lot of issues I'm not romanticizing it I'm well aware of them and I'm not prepared to live there fulltime I'm not prepared to live there parttime but there's a passion and an energy and an enthusiasm and there are Min hugan and practices which I brought back to our family which I won't mention now for fear of embarrassing my wife but reintroduce them and hug him at our shabas table which may not last they're passing fads but for now they for me injected a certain spirituality from the way to make KES to the way to make hamoot to to other mhag at at the table and for me they've reawakened shabas can grow stale the chabas table can grow stale the Kish and hamoot can grow stale ziros can grow stale and whether we're going to transform it to an ace rut Zone we have to take extreme ownership over that that's our topic on shab bashua but that's up to us stop blaming everyone around us well my kids run away and don't want to hear the Tor and the guests never want to sing this MOS and the thing I'm exhausted and by the time we and that we could come up with every excuse Under the Sun but if we're going to make these in these moments opportunities if they're going to be ace ruton for us and for our family we have to take extreme ownership that's up to us that's up to us to imbue and endow these moments with meaning with pemus with depth with with reality I spoke about this in the here on Tuesday so I w't revisit it but it's the theme of our whole par don't just go through the motions where's your where's the where's where's really being present in what you're doing not just mailing it in externally going through the motions the actions but where is tapping into the deeper symbolism of what we're working on of what we're trying to achieve turning every Mitzvah 613 invitations for an a every day every is we quoted this in the in the says the person who brings the says I didn't do anything wrong right how is that VI it's the most peculiar confession ever here's my confession I'm perfect I did nothing wrong so the confession of the farmer is I'm perfect I did nothing wrong the r is a beautiful Insight the r says you know why that's a confession because when I say Hashem you know I got this right it means I'm capable of getting everything right the fact that I could admit that I did this well means I could do other things well too and if I don't it's not because I can't it's just because I didn't want to that's how that's why it's a confession to say I did it well I got it right so what does the farmer say and Rashi there says I didn't forget to make a so this is one of the sources making bras is rabic not biblical but when you drink the coffe and you said says you know what kind of we have to make the kind of that we can say when I make bras and I make bras with everything I eat I don't remember afterwards making the BR I mumbled it I swallow the BR faster than I swallowed the food and I don't remember I'm not present I don't remember saying it what were the words what was I thinking what did it mean how did it impact me we just fly through it we Mumble it at best says the the whole method the whole model of a is that we make a that the quality of the BR is such that I remember afterwards that BR that's the quality of the that's so every how many times do we eat and drink a day that we're making a each of those is an invitation to remember there AEM to thank him for the world to sh the Ambiance of the world not just the drink I'm putting in my mouth it's an invitation but only if we do it with the presence of a if I mumble it race through it don't even remember saying it then what was the point did I really even say it you know but if I embrace it if I hold on to it if I had the kind of conversation I say I remember that conversation I remember saying thank you because that was so meaningful of course I remember that thank you then that's an aat so each of these ruton where we're Transforming Our an then we're really an an I'll just end John gotman we have here before mentioned this many times before he talks about in marriages there are healthy what he calls bids for connection a bid for connection is when you come home and one person says how was your day or a person just walks through the door or sends a text to the other person that's a bid for connection and how we respond to the bid for connection there's three ways you can respond you could turn towards you could turn to you could turn away and you could be in IND different and he talks about the ratio of turning towards versus the turning away or being indifferent and a healthy marriage I think I forgot was 30 to1 or 50 to1 you need to have turning towards versus being indifferent or turning away and so that's that notion i' I've spoken about in the context of the K the Kim one p says they're looking each other another P says they're turning away from each other which one soes gives us bids for connection every time we eat every mitsvah we do is a bid to connect with us he's sending us a text you going to ignore it text you're going to write back and when you write back will be kind of text of course I remember that text I wrote back to you I was so engaged in it or is it going to be the kind of Correspondence I don't remember what are you talking about I don't remember it at all each of these moments are bids for connection each of them are an a ratone to leave us change to leave us transform to leave us connected for ourselves and for our families around us we'll pick it up next week amem have a great day