Part 3

okay good morning so we continue our study of amuna and again the goal is each week to just take a little different unit of amuna different perspective we're not trying to learn a complete safer or learn based on the par or anything like that but each week an injection of amuna the premise of our getting together every Wednesday morning for our amuna self-help group is support group is that amuna is something that dissipates you need to keep a going or else it's like a muscle if you don't use it it atrophies and it dies the more you use it the bigger and the stronger it grows so if amuna is that muscle we come for our amuna workout on Wednesday on Wednesday mornings so we're going to continue last week we studied a piece by RI the mash the great Mash of in his Al and if you remember RI last week spoke about the fact that when you answer AO if you respond am I forgot we were going to make this an amain group as you drink your coffee answer everyone's aain but if you answer amain with all of your effort all of your energy all of your devotion then it opens the gates to ganen and remember we spoke about why ganen why aren't you promised to be in the world to come which is normally the promise when you do something virtuous and the answer was that God is hidden and concealed in this world we struggle to know with certainty that he's there we long to feel his presence there's a an iron curtain there's a barrier between us and him but if you answer aain if you look to see God in your life if you live life with amuna then you pierce a hole in the curtain you open the curtain and even while your feet are firmly planted here in Earth nevertheless we continue to be uh we are we have a presence in G even at the same time okay so now we continue this is another Insight of R also on the area of you can grab a chair there's a chair here or from there either one okay anyone anyone missing a copy anyone need a copy okay here you go again this coffee and sign up if your name is not on the list so we've talked about what is we've developed actually in the shabas afternoon class we did a five-part series on what amuna and is obvious reasons it's not recorded but we differentiated between amuna which is the knowledge of God's existence and which is the absolute knowledge of his presence in our lives just this past week here's a couple copies here anyone thanks um but says is not to think well whenever it's all going to work out the way I wanted to I trust God that everything's to work out the way I wanted to work out a lot of Met fans were thinking that and it did not happen for them but it doesn't always it doesn't always work out according to our I know that was a gratuitous knock for a group of women but listen I'm a Yankee fan I had to that was I've never cared about a baseball game that the Yankees weren't involved in as much as enjoying the Royals comeback in the ninth inning but anyway that's just uh for my brother-in-law so the um B many people make the mistake stake of thinking what's whatever challenge I have in life whatever issue of uncertainty I'm going through I believe I trust that hem is going to make it work out the way I want it's all going to work out the way I want but says that's not that's in yourself that's believing that you really are the infinite omnipotent one who knows everything and deserves to have the world operate according to you deserves for everyone else and everything and the entire world to work the way you want but that's not real is not believing that God will make things happened the way you drew it up real B is placing your trust in God that whatever happens whatever happens he's in charge it's not random it's not chance it's not happen stance it's not simply nature that whatever happens to us in life it's because God ordained and there's meaning and purpose and order to the universe and that all that God does is for the good whether we understand it or we don't understand it everything is for the good so that is the definition of amuna or the definition of to live life every day with the awareness with the cognizance that there's a God in this world who created this world but moreover he's intimately involved in my life from the cold that I have to whether my car started to significant things trying to have children or nakas from our children or earning a livelihood or or whatever the case may be God is involved in my life and it is the submission it is placing myself in his hands that I can't control everything I do my best I take my initiative I put one foot in front of the other but however it turns out in the end I trust that it is for my best and by the way is this not exactly what we ask of our children does anyone anyone else come in that needs is it not exactly what we ask of our children we say to our children when the young teenagers are even older that I don't expect you to love every decision I'll make for you when I told you you couldn't go out Saturday night to that event or party or group outing when I told you that you couldn't experiment with this that the other when I told I don't expect you to be happy with me or love me but here's all I ask from you my beloved child know that I'm not doing it to hurt you or to punish you I'm not doing it out of chance or because I'm in a bad mood that everything I do for you is out of the love the deepest recesses of my heart what I believe is best for you that's all I want from you don't love it don't be excited about it don't welcome it I understand if you're disappointed by some of my decisions for you my rules for you all I ask is that you recognize that our decisions are not arbitrary or random they're well thought out and they are based on the fact that we love you and want what's best for you and if that's the attitude we bring to our children that's exactly the attitude Hashem has towards us what he wants us to feel towards him is look we may not be happy you know a bad diagnosis or struggling to have children or struggling with livelihood or you know the safety of our brothers and sisters in Israel there's no shortage of things to worry about we don't have to be happy with everything that God does but he's our father and what he wants from us is the the acknowledgement the recognition that we are not simply um at the at the whim of nature of chance that it's from him and that he does it having our best interest in mind so asks so if that's that's what it means to live life with and by the way we spoke about in shabas that if you live that life of the benefits to you are unbelievable it's not just I'm asking you to live a life of of philosophical pain and angst believe in God and place your trust in God and stick with God and it's not going to be easy for you it's going to be miserable for you but you got to do it I'm telling you that I promise you my personal guarantee for whatever that's worth my personal guarantee that if you live your life if we live our lives more like that that every day whether we're stuck in traffic somebody you know our car dinked our car with the with their um shopping cart at the supermarket whatever whatever it is we stop we take a deep breath and we realize everything's from Hashem just for a reason somehow this is for the good the results are you will have improved Health you will worry less you will have a more peaceful tranquil Serene life where you're not always on the edge because the says that this level of this demand that we live life recognizing that we are not just subjects of chance and Randomness but there is a God there meaning purpose and order to the universe and everything he does for the best of us that demands something which is a difficult challenge particularly for Jewish people maybe particularly for Jewish women and it means that that it is forbidden there is a Torah prohibition against worrying worrying worrying now why are we genetically predisposed towards worrying that's a good question but there is a Torah prohibition against worrying what is worrying after all every time you worry not about your own performance but you worry about what will be whenever we worry about things that are out of our control let me ask you this in the history of time has that worry ever made anything better worrying never makes anything better not only does it not make it better it doesn't make time pass faster it makes time go slower it makes you more prepared I don't know if it makes you more prepared because I wouldn't say that's worry somebody said that to me after the last time I mentioned this that someone said in I thought it was a great point that we need the fight or flight we need sometimes worry is what protects you and guards you and gets your guard up and the adrenal in russan the things you need to survive but that's not worry I I I don't know what the right word is there that's that's um fear awar concern self awareness is a little mindfulness I I just worry has the negative connotation worry is a wasted emotion you're describing a more positive emotion which is it's a mindfulness or it's a living with a concern or it's living with a self-awareness or it's living where you're planning so if you say I don't know what's going to be in 10 years from now I know that I'm just giving a random example right that life expectancy is growing much longer your money has to last you longer than it ever did so I'm going to plan to save better I'm going to plan to make sure I have so that concern about my future um is a healthy concern because it means I now save and I prepare and the results are positive but there's a difference between that concern which leads to positive action and being paralyzed by worry what's going to be I don't know what's going to be and what will happen and who would take care of me and where will I go and what will be and what will be I'll be hungry and what will be what will be what will be so concern is a healthy emotion that can get channeled into action items into initiative worry is an unhealthy purely destructive it's responsible for ashadi ashkanazi genetic GI disorders there's nothing good that comes there's nothing good that comes from worry and when you're worried time moves slower not you're late you're sitting in traffic you're worried what's going to be I'm late I yeah does traffic get get open up faster or slower it takes forever whereas if you said look I can't control it it'll be what it'll be I'll have to figure it out and fix it but what's the point of what's the point of stressing or worrying or losing patience is there something in between like concern and worry like maybe there's something in the middle like a little bit of worry so that you're not like so extreme like worrying the way you describe it is we're like really almost maybe maybe I you know I don't want to get lost in this but I think the principle is what's important and for everybody they have to find what works for them in other words you need a little level of of of concern enough concern that that mobilizes you but not too much concern which should then becomes worry which paralyzes you you know in other words so concern which which moves you concern which gets you to act that's good worry which does the opposite it paralyzes you because there's nothing you can do right so you underwent the test and I know this is like superum what I'm about to describe you underwent to test and you're waiting for the doctor to get you the results I know it's superhuman to say yeah don't worry pretend like it didn't happen that's not possible of course but we should at least we should at least Aspire not to be paralyzed by that worry the test doesn't come back faster it doesn't make the results any better you deal with what you have to deal with when you have to deal with that you can't control time you can only get to the end of every the end of every day so I'm raising this only again as an example that if you live your life with B your health will improve your blood pressure your GI issues your whatever your Your Serenity in life your man is going to drastically improve you're going to worry less you're going to worry less you will be overcome with a a sense of calm it's it's a huge avoda that's why we're getting together every Wednesday to work on this together in our support group it's a tremendous work because those feelings are natural they swell up in us all the time naturally but to not not allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by that wave and and have it crash on our head and instead say stop I'm learning about this I've been thinking about this I've been working on this I'm not going to feel that way I've given this example before I don't think I did it in this group I think in the class but when I was first learning about a mo a number of years ago working on this and I was driving back from a wedding late at night and I had to stop and get guests off 95 in in in uh a very dangerous neighborhood I had no choice I was out of gas and I got out of the car and at first like my heartbeat you know went up and I was looking around at the he there and I was a little nervous about uh what was going to be I didn't exactly you know I just come from a wedding and I was a perfect Target if you wanted to ask someone for their wallet let's just say so I was I was nervous I felt myself getting nervous and then all of a sudden it struck me I'm learning and teaching about amuna my nervousness is not going to make the situation better now You' say you know go in the car lock the door like okay so if there are action items to do do that but it's assuming I was doing that any nervousness beyond that is not going to protect you it's not doing anything so at that moment I said you know what I needed to get guess I didn't have a choice I'm acting prudently I stopped I got gas I'm waiting in the car I'll leave when I'm done I'm not I'm not worried there's nothing more I can do the rest is in hashem's hands whatever is meant to be will be I will never forget the feeling of calm that came over me it was like taking a Valium it's a natural Valium without needing the Valium if you stop yourself and put in perspective and and remind yourself that I've done the best I can and beyond that it will be what it will be I in Hebrew in Israel is security right the guy at the mall who's going through your trunk before you can come in on his shirt it says b security it's security you put your trust in hem he gives you security to say I do the best I can and beyond that there's nothing I can do I've done the best that I can so the benefits are there's another benefit you stay calm your health improves you don't get angry what's the root of anger the tal says if you get angry it's as if you worshiped an idol why you lose your cool you know you tripped over your kids toy in the middle of the room you stubbed your toe it hurt you got angry your kid that's what what Idol are you worshiping and the answer is when you get angry what's the core what's the root source of anger all anger is something didn't go the way I wanted it to you didn't act the way I planed for you to act things weren't set up the way I wanted them to behave things didn't unfold the way that I diagrammed them to unfold so I got angry I lost my cool cuz it's something you did or said or something the universe did I lost my cool I got angry so who am I worshiping when I get angry the aod Zara the idol that I'm worshiping is myself it's my ego I'm angry that things didn't unfold the way I drew them up the way I expected them the way I demand them I'm worshiping myself but if you realize that look you do the best you can and not everything goes according to your plan there's another plan and you let go and let God and say it is what it is so then you won't get angry you won't get angry because you realize that again anger is a terribly self-destructive unhealthy purely negative emotion nothing good comes from anger you could again be concerned you can advocate for Israel because you're deeply upset and disturbed by the media's bias and so on but that's different than anger anger is a pure emotion all physiological studies show this when you're angry the blood rushes from this part of the brain to the other part of the brain you become like an animal not a human you stop thinking rationally and you act in self-destructive ways you do stupid things people have done terribly stupid permanently self-damaging things in a moment of anger anger is nothing good so what's the best way to work on anger the best anger management 101 is amuna is in every circumstance to say take a deep breath you know what it's not the way I drew it up it's not what I planned not what I expected not what I wanted okay too bad I'm going to deal with it that's life I'm going to deal with it what what do I have to do now and beyond that I put my trust in Hashem there's a reason there's a plan there there's a cause okay we haven't even gotten to this yet but yeah there were a few comments people yeah I mean Rabbi it's true getting upset at at a red light or traffic is one thing but you know when your loved one is dying or you know something big it's it's a lot bigger no no question about it and there are many many many profound emotions that are legitimate grief loss ironically perhaps the only place I think it's okay to be somewhat angry is to Hashem right I'll I'll tell you this for a moment I think you know I I learned this from other people in really extraordinary ways but you see it in our paros that we just read and that we're reading now that our Patriarchs and matriarchs aam in particular gave us license to be disappointed in or to challenge or to protest Hashem I won't use the word angry at hasem because angry is never a positive emotion the ran and the ran my man andman both agree that all qualities and character traits all have potential positive place in our repertoire of behavior all of them that's why they're called what are character traits called in Hebrew mid what's a Mida a measure they all belong in the recipe the question is to what degree what measure right you know if you put if you have no pepper in your soup then it has no taste if you put too much pepper in then you destroy the soup so in life there are certain qualities which needs a little bit of sprinkling if you have too much of it you're going to ruin the recipe in life there's one ingredient one Spice One behavior that the raan and RAM agree has no place in any recipe doesn't belong in our spice cabinet at all and that's KAS anger the ran wrote an extraordinary letter to his son it's printed in many sadum some people read it every single day about how to stay calm and how to live life so wonderful short letter the raan wrote to his son raan or raan and the ran in h in in his Mish Tor his code of Jewish law also writes that even though the rambam is the famous spokesperson for the shav always go in the golden mean on this he says you need to be extreme to never get angry this is the one area ra says two areas you should be exceedingly humble and you should be extreme to never get angry anger has no place so even towards God anger has no place at all but what does have a place and what I would even humbly submit to you God expects from us is at times to protest what he's doing sometimes he does it because he's looking for our protest and when you protest is there a greater expression of faith in God than to protest something he's done would you protest something or someone that's a figment of your imagination would you be disappointed by somebody Who You're not really sure exists I learned that 10 or 12 years ago when I did the funeral of a holocaust of and when I was sitting with her family to prepare for the funeral I didn't know her I hadn't met her I asked um you know tell me what was her was she a proud Jew what was her religious orientation so they all thought about it and most of them answered well she wasn't observant after the war she really gave up observance she gave up Judaism her son-in-law said to me something I'll never forget and I'm so grateful to him for this Insight he said my mother-in-law had unbelievable faith and you want to know how I know she had unbelievable Faith she spent her entire rest of her life so angry at God for what he had done to her family and you're not angry at someone you don't believe exists who do you have the most anger at not the bystander who you don't even know their name you don't expect them to intervene in your life you're angry at your mother your father who were supposed to protect you and they didn't and that and and so perhaps the greatest expression of faith in Hashem that you believe he's your father is when you say Dad where were you or where are you now you can use that feeling of where were you or where are you to as a excuse to walk away from God or like a you could use it as a means to get closer to God so God says to a you're my beloved a you know you're incredible I was going to talk about this a little bit today but I see that we already have next week's topic but um God says to Abraham when the rest of the world missed the point of creation you got it and so I'm charging you I'm giving you the mission of teaching the world what life was really supposed to all be about and because you're so to me I can't hide it from you says the Torah last week para could I hide from what I'm going to do the sto I can't so God says news delivery AB got to let you know just to heads up I'm going to be destroying Stone and what does a say I would expect him to say okay you know thanks for the courtesy of the heads up but you're the omnipotent infinite perfect being I guess whatever you say goes if that's what you think has to be you know okay is that what Aram says I defer to you I submit to you no aam says how could you how dare you I'm embellishing a little bit but I protest I object God if there's 50 righteous people how could you do this I object and God says okay I agree with you in principle thank you for the objection objection what do they say in court suain sustained objection sustained noted so God God says no problem find me 50 okay then I struggle 45 that he can't find he can't hold up his end of the bargain what do you see from Abraham what we are the progeny of abrah what did our great Z teach us that when God sometimes declares you know here's here's a terminal illness here's a here's bad news here's does he want us to take it laying down does he want us to say okay you're the perfect God if you decided that then we're not going to try to go to a doctor and fix it or we're not going to try to make a living and pay for it or whatever you decided God aam teaches us our greatest teaches us there's nothing wrong with our saying hey God what's the deal how could you do that how could you do that a says that moshu says that MOS says God show me your face which our commentators understand when God when Moshe says God show me your face what he means is show me the way you see things I don't get way what why do bad things happen to good people and good things are happening to bad people I don't get it I know low Lives who are prospering and I know incredibly righteous people who are suffering God show me your face let me into your perspective let me understand the way you run your world and what does God answer you could see the back of my head mosha but nothing more what's the back of my head so the commentators explained it means the best you could do is understand in retrospect maybe after the fact you'll see the way the pieces of the puzzle came together but you'll never understand it in real time you'll never understand it prospectively after the fact people say you know I lost my job was most miserable thing but I made a career change and I'm so much happier and if that never happened I never would have done after the fact we can often in life if we go through the process of the exercise of the effort we can see how things worked out amazingly in our favor even when we thought they were terrible after the fact you could see the back of his head but not the front but let me ask you again was Moshe did he just take it did Moshe just did Moshe just accept it no God I protest I object why do things happen to good people why are good things happening to bad people I demand to understand better so that creates an unbelievable precedent for us and I think very very counterintuitively very counterintuitively that protesting Hashem is an unbelievable expression of amuna it's an unbelievable expression of amuna because you know what there are people who claim to have unbelievable amuna and they hear bad news and they just go on with their life so I ask you do they really believe goem is their father if your father told you that he was going to do something bad to you would you not say to him can I can I please appeal that decision would you rethink that how could you do that I'm your son I'm your daughter don't you love me you don't really believe in God I would even go so far as to say I'm not sure you really believe in God if you don't protest if you don't object if you don't negotiate with him so very counterintuitively I don't want to say the word anger but being disappointed in Hashem and protesting and objecting to something he's doing is is is um a form of is a form of so you're right the little things don't worry don't swear don't get angry that's easy the big things the big things the is not to say it's all good Hashem is great everything he does is for the best no the on the big things is to say Hashem I have such in you I'm protesting now sometimes he overrules your objection and he says I still know what's best for you and I appreciate you objected and your objection brought us closer your objection made me know that you believe I'm here your objection was worthwhile because it drew us closer but your objections overruled I'm still the judge and this is what I determined as best in this circumstance and then the challenge is on us what do we do then do we say well I objected and God overruled my objection so I'm out of here I don't believe in him he doesn't love me or like a and Moshe do we put one foot in front of the other and stay the course feeling even closer just by the process of having of having objected yes when you get a diagnosis of somebody or somebody's in the hospital and you get all the women together they say to he them that's the same thing that's exactly what you're doing yeah absolutely we you know we've done that we've had over the last three years two is two incidents of of babies who had who were in who were in dire circumstances and we've convened emergency TM Gatherings and actually I began each of those Gatherings all those Gatherings by referencing this idea that we've gathered Hashem to protest your decision I it's a different frame of saying it artm is not like fluffy maybe God exists maybe he doesn't but you're supposed to say words you don't really understand because he makes you feel righteous and religious and then you go home and go on with your life that's not why you get together and say to Hill right it's not just so that you know that's what you're supposed to do because you read other communities do that and it seems religious and righteous and no you do it because what you're saying is we've gathered to issue a group protest this is a rally God not against you per se but it's a rally to influence your decision we're here to that's what a tum Gathering is this is rally to influence your decision because we all believe in you so much because we all have such and such that not only Hashem do you exist but you control everything that this baby suffering with this illness is not a bacteria or a virus or a fluke of nature or science or they're not a piece of a statistic we so believe in you that we've gathered here to say God we know this is you and we're here to object now thank God those objections were sustained in those cases those children are doing wonderful they should continue to to thrive and to flourish that's not always that's the challenge of is you have to Gathering to Gathering to Gathering you get bad news what do you do then but the Gathering has to be seen in context that's exactly what we're doing is we are imitating ainu ainu said how could you do that how could you destroy sto how could you destroy this family how could you destroy this child that's exactly what we're doing we're imitating none other than know don't we do the same thing though in our in our in our real lives we the people we really care about are the people we're going to go head-to-head with that's exactly right we're going to protest I don't like the way you're treating me can we renegotiate this that's exactly right the person you have no expectations from and feel no relationship with okay so the coworker or the Casual acquaintance said something did something you you could care less it was offensive in any other context but you don't have a relationship you didn't expect anything you don't care you're not invested so H who cares but the person you're close with behaves in that way it's a tribute to the relationship that you're bothered by their behavior that's not the way a friend acts it's not the way a family member acts there's loyalty so exactly the same with Hashem very it's a totally different perspective it's totally counterintuitive is to say that and and and I have to tell you why I share this because you know as as a as an active RV I interact often with people dealing with family loved ones who are in in terrible end of life circumstances or have suffered terrible pain directly themselves have dreams that are shattered and are unanswered and they think that Judaism demands of them to suppress their anger at God and to just blindly say I'm supposed to they think they're supposed to say well whatever Hashem wants who am I to protest this is what Hashem wants I guess this is for the best and I see my role as to say to them no that's not what Judaism asks of you and it's not what Hashem demands of you yes in the end of the day once the judge bangs is gavl and that's the final verdict you got to figure out how to live with it because that's the final verdict but until then he wants you to make an argument after an argument after an argument an opening statement a closing argument he wants you to influence him he wants you to protest he wants you to object not only should you not feel guilty for doing that that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing and too many people feel guilty they feel sometime somehow they're deficient or inadequate in their amuna if they're not ready to just say I love God this is what God wants this for the best that's great but that's not what hasem wants you wouldn't say to him him if that as he pointed out you wouldn't do if that's the whole premise of doing is I'm trying to influence what Hashem wants I mean think about it for a moment that's a separate question for another time it's a very powerful question is why do we D in at all why do we dive in at all many of our great commentators have have asked this question all kinds of commentators have asked why do we D him if God is omnipotent infinite and perfect he knows what's best for us we have a very finite limited perspective right so so I'm I'm arguing with my 10-year-old about something they want to do should I defer to their judgment or do I have more life experience and wisdom and perspective that that I should insist on mine who should win out right I think as parents we would all agree that we hear what they have to say we hear what they have to say that my Tamar is a little lawyer she's uh and she has great persuasive arguments when she was like 7 years old I try to put her to bed why don't have to go to bed now I said because it's your bedtime cuz you're 7 years old so she said to me ABA age is just a number who cares it's a number that doesn't mean why I have to go to bed why can't I go to bed when you go to bed so she's very uh she's a very persuasive lawy I'll tell you my son was just like that he's the one that just passed back he's the one okay she's on her way yeah definit yeah I have my my six-year-old bar she's fine I'm not telling you this to worry but she she broke her leg and she's in the hospital had to to do a little surgery yesterday so she's in Jo de magio and they have a rule because of flu season that if you're under under 13 you can't come visit so my Tomar again she goes you tell them how could they call it a children's hospital if children can't visit it's not a children's hospital if children can't visit their sisters she's going crazy she's she's already ready to be a lawyer so despite her very cogent well articulated arguments she's a kid and you're an adult so who's whose opinion are you going to uh are you going to follow right so God I'll give it to you another analogy you know if there's um you're standing with your child and there's a car blocking your view the child says it's time to cross the street but you can see over the car so you see there's another car coming your child is shorter so they can't see as much their Vision their perspective is limited so they say come on let's run across the street let's go let's go let's run let's gr there's only coming let's go let's go but you're taller so you see over the car and you see there's a car coming so that perspect so hash we're we're short we see a limited amount and we say come on Hashem I want to go I want this job I want this marriage I want this baby I want this life I want this thing but Hashem sees over the car he sees over the building he sees over the and he sees around he sees through and around and over and he says not so fast I see more so why do we dve shouldn't we say okay hasem here's a conflict between what I think should happen what you think should happen it's all yours I defer to what you think should happen because you seem I don't want to get hit by a car so I defer to you why do we dove in at all why are we trying to change God's mind if the kish's thesis of is true the means I put my trust in you Hashem that everything that happens happens for a reason and that all that you do is good for us if that is true why am I trying to change hashem's mind why it's a great question about doing right not trying to change what are we doing when we do self soothing oh interesting when you do you're doing for yourself you're not changing anything so but what if you dve into Hashem and you say help me get this job help me land that girl that guy help me child and if it happens then you say to yourself well I DED and and God made it happen but really you made yourself feel good and maybe you gave yourself positive energy maybe that's why it happened okay I don't think right so there's one element of that the process of is cathartic is healthy but I think that there is still something more we do try the middle section of the am is bakha we come and we say I got a full list of people I want you to heal I got people who are struggling with parasa God I'd like you to change your mind help them get income I've got a list of this and a list of that and Iran deal and Israel and the terror and the knifing and the St I got a list of things God and I'm trying to influence your opinion why are we trying to influence God's opinion isn't his better than ours it's a basic question about about F so there are many many answers which are which are offered I think the most popular and probably the most found is that we're not trying to change God when we DAV in we're trying to maybe hind this what you meant we're trying to change ourselves and when we become new people we become worthy of a new what's best for us so the old me you're right God that was what was best for me but through the process of and and I've become a new me right the Hebrew word for prayer the is the hit form of the verb which is a reflexive form of the verb which in Hebrew grammar reflexive means something I do to myself when I doav I'm not trying to do something to God I'm trying to do something to myself I walk out of davening a changed person than the one who walked in if I am exactly the same as the person who walked in it's good that I daved but it was not an effective daving experience I supposed to have walked out daving is an exercise in amuna it's an exercise in humility it's an exercise in priorities and it should recalibrate my compass in the beginning in the middle of the end of every day and I walk out a transformed person I've rep prioritized I've recalibrated I've reminded myself what's important I've reworked my sense of amuna and so on when I've lost my way in the middle of the day and so I become transformed so you're right the old me was not deserving of whatever the Judgment I was looking for but the argument I'm making and it's not the same argument by the way when the person appears before the judge in court do they not say I was a delinquent I was horrible but I've rehabilitated myself judge you're right the old me you should have thrown away the key locked me up and thrown away the key but this is the new me and here's a list of people who are going to testify and here's all kinds of affidavits from people who are going to tell you that I've rehabilitated myself I'm a changed person judge I don't Des you're right that punishment was accurate was appropriate for the old me but it's a new me and that's exactly what we do each ding God it's a new me the new me is deserving of a new judgment so I'm not asking you I'm not asking to override your perspective with mine I defer to yours but I'm asking you to recalibrate your perspective because I'm a new me but it is important to realize that implicit within every we say implicit within every many people don't appreciate this is Hash I'm about to tell you from the bottom of my heart what I'm asking you for but I want you to know in the end of the day if you think what you had in plan was better I want you to do your plan implicitly implicitly we don't always appreciate it we don't always understand it there was maybe 8 or 9 years ago there was a speaker at the sh I remember also this left a profound impact on me there was a speaker at the Sho who was from uh from England pesak Lewis brought him in you knew him he was a rabbi who had lost his wife to cancer left him with like five or six children I don't remember the name the rabbi spoke shabas afternoon and he I remember his his thesis was and nobody in the world could say this except someone like came who went through this and he described the experience of losing his wife and how painful and difficult it's been and so on and he said bad things don't happen to good people painful things happen to good people and he spoke about the fact that he listed an enormous number of good things that came about as a result of this loss and he said they don't at all take away from the pain of the loss given the choice he would never ask for that loss he'd rather not have any of those good things and not endure the pain of losing his wife but he taught us that bad things don't happen to good people painful things happen to good people and there's a world of difference between bad things happening to good people and painful things happening to good people and and he was talking about that's what P talk is is to realize that what I just went through was painful and I don't appreciate the pain I wish I never had the pain and all the good in the world doesn't compensate for the fact that you made me go through that pain but I'm not I'm not going to call it bad I'm going to call it painful painful things happen to good people not not bad things so we we never actually got to RI here this week but I think nevertheless we had a little um boost of and and again we we reminded ourselves that for the is not God's going to make things unfold the way I want is not I love life and it's all going to work out exactly the way I want is I've done my best and now I'm in your hands the rest of the way it's going to work out is the way you choose to let it work out and I have faith and trust that whatever you're going to do is for a reason and I can't it is it is like getting a Valium every day it's like taking the greatest upper every day to do that the calm it brings to your life I mentioned chabas the mag's example of the pedler no problem The Peddler who walks through town carrying suitcases full of his heavy Wares and he's walking and walking slapping these heavy suitcases he's collapsing under their weight and somebody goes by a horse and buggy a carriage and he says to them come hop on in I'm going to the same town I you a ride and they're riding in half an hour in the wagon driver turns around and he sees the pedders is holding the heavy suitcases in his lap so he says to him you know you could put them down so the guy answers no no no no I feel so bad it's so nice that you're giving me the ride I feel terrible that once you're giving me the ride at least let me lift the suitcases let me bear the weight of the suitcases so the wagon driver says to him you fool you fool you're in the the wagon anyway once you're in the wagon put the suitcases down and enjoy the ride and so the says that's exactly what our life is like we have all kinds of heavy baggage anger fear worry angst uncertainty all this baggage it's heavy it's heavy it takes its toll carrying it shlepping it it's heavy it's heavy it's heavy if you have a and you realize you're in God's Carriage he's giving us that ride put down your suitcase and enjoy the ride if we put down our suitcase you can enjoy the you don't have to carry the heavy baggage is the means to put down the suitcase the way you put down the suitcase is realize that you're in the wagon anyway you're in the wagon anyway you might as well put down the suitcase hashem's in control anyway your worry is not going to change anything anyway you might as well put down the baggage and enjoy the ride so if we if we apply the K's definition of we improve our physical health mental health emotional health spiritual health we are slower to get angry our relationships improve there are unbelievable benefits but never think that Amun and demands of you to just you know say whatever God ordains for us we take it lying down it is an expression of amuna to protest and object sometimes to hashem's decision it's an exercise of amuna it leaves you closer to Hashem if you actually speak up and and we feel that but in the end of the day like Abraham and like Moshe we have to accept ultimately what Hashem decides we're not trying to change his mind we're trying to change Us by changing us to make ourselves better position positioned for a new better for us all right we'll continue next Wednesday morning if you've not yet put your