Parshat Nasso: The Importance of Proper Communication - Rabbi Uri Nahum

[Music] I speak about a little bit from this week's parish I believe in a lesson that we could all use in this week's parish are the Torah tells us about a subject very very uncomfortable subject but it's a subject that's important and the subject is the partial of SOTA now what is this parish of SOTA the pressure of SOTA is about a lady a married woman who has done things that are basically not in line with the laws of marriage we don't know for sure if she was not loyal to her husband or not but she's done things that make us suspect her of such an act now so Todd is not you know the lot of discussion a lot to talk about so Todd without going into the halacha sounds like you know just any lady could become a survivor it's not so there are specific very detailed how the heart of what makes a married woman become a SOTA I want to just go through the two steps that make a woman be called the SOTA which makes them now have to come to the beit hamikdash and go through a whole process the two steps are kin nui and cetera let's not forget this what's kanui and cetera what is kin nui kanui basically is the first step where the husband must warn his wife he must warn her and he must tell her listen you see this guy Joe no we should think of any Joe this random guy Joe you see this guy Joe I don't want you to be alone with him not to go in the room with him not how he's not talking about Dominic just to be alone you and him together I don't want that to happen this is called Kinyua this is a warning it has to be done in front of two witnesses and he has to be very specific of who the guy is the next stage which is called cetera that if witnesses now it doesn't have to be the same witnesses anyone this is come along and they say oh you know your wife we knew that she was warned and we saw her in the room alone with this man then we don't know what happened so the lady has to go to the Beit HaMikdash and go through a whole process to see if she was really loyal to her husband or she was not wanted husband and the outcome whatever the outcome may be now there's an interesting halakhah that AHA says that if the husband comes to his wife he tells her I don't want you to be alone with Joe good in front of two when it says clear that's a clear warning that's called canoeing later on when this has come they say oh you know we saw your wife with Michael alone in a room what's the deal what's the helicopters lady is she a SOTA or she not what would you say no why not now question is isn't it obvious like it listen I have to specify every single guy in the world okay let's bring out the phone book okay ready you can't be with this guy on Aven es and then you have to go on every single guy and tell her isn't it obvious so why don't we say if she was won't once if she was one maybe about a different man two different men why does it have to be with every single person then you have to warn her so the simple answer is this is what the Torah says this is how we follow the Torah gives the laws the Torah tells us the rules we have no permission to come make up a Lahore that's really the real simple incident but there's a lesson we can learn from here the lesson from here is that it's very important in the relationship really in every single part in every single aspect of our lives but even more so no relationship to communicate and to speak clearly what you want if we can't communicate and if you don't speak clearly to whoever you have relationship with whether it's your husband whether it's your children or to your parents you don't communicate to them and you don't tell them exactly what you want don't expect them to know on their own and if they don't know on their own something you have no right to be upset with them because you never told them this is a big rule most people don't like this room most of us don't follow this rule most of us who get upset in our lives from the people that are closest to us whether it's our husbands I can say husbands no it's our husbands our children our parents our sisters our friends is because this should've known better how could they know something what did you and we always did you tell them I have to say it well do you have to tell the so Todd don't be alone with Michael we already told on me along with Joe and Jack and Jill whatever right so no why'd I have to tell her also don't be alone with Michael yeah because you have to tell her and if you don't communicate exactly what you want don't expect people to just figure it out is it Y annual order I think that's great that's one at this videos awesome why it's a 2 second video that shot the whole world that just because you said something doesn't mean that people heard what you said they could have read something completely different as a rapper in the show for many years that always bothered me always bothered me like I would say a class and somebody would quote me something completely different so I look I see my son recording my classes I say haha yeah you wanna hear what I said come let's play it back what exam today everything right but I realize afterwards you may speak something you may say something but people could understand something completely different and you can hold them you know you can expect from them if you don't communicate properly communication is very important many times people will say I said it yeah I'm fine you said but what language did he speak did you speak in his language did you tell them to just say it exactly how you wanted it and if not we have to start all over again and this CI I believe it's a hoot I was forced into it but I say Maya it's a big privilege I'm teaching sixth graders and seventh graders and and you know again we come back to the same thing if I would say like the main lesson that I learned from this whole year of how to teach it's this point it's that not what I'm teaching is important it's what they're learning more important than what I'm teaching is what they're learning much it's the same thing but it's not really like we said biennial oral it's the same thing if I'm telling you something and you hear something else that means I didn't really communicate with you I said it but doesn't mean I communicated and there are many reasons why what we say doesn't get hurt one of the main reasons is if something is important you don't say it at the wrong time at the wrong place sometimes you know we get calls about someone bite all the time so first question is did you tell your husband you how many times I told him already it's coming out of yeah but how then we go you bring the husband down you know your wife this is very important to her and she said she told you once you tell me what yeah remember that time when you we got we came back from my parents house and we got the whole fight remember I told you then that's not the right time this time don't want to communicate something is important you don't speak about it in the middle of a fight make an appointment make a schedule it's something is that a point that you say I need to speak to you I need to sit down we need to make a time to sit down and speak about it don't scare the daylights out of me like has been so long you tell them what somebody's dying no just um you know there's something very important and I need to speak to you not with anger also don't speak when you're angry when you're angry you should bullets and you don't know what you're saying and you probably don't even know you know what you're trying to communicate if it's again if it's important if it's not important like take out the garbage say whatever you want you know yell at him take it out okay I don't take it out but if something is really really important and you need to speak and you need to tell someone you need to know how to communicate and and how to give it over the our rabbi Twersky has a book on marriage I was told before I got married make sure you read that book it's very very but it's called the first year of marriage and my rabbi told me it works and he's been counseling at the time 35 years he did counseling couples he said it's not only good for first year of marriage it's good for every year marriage and I relayed the message over to you as well it's called the first year of marriage it's a great book it covers a lot of things I by torski revolve on Trotsky's a rabbi a psychologist is it my moshai Holden want to get on him and he writes in there something very interesting the Rambam brings down the Rambam brings down that there's 13 principles of faith you've maybe heard of it it's a fancy word basically the 13 anima amines I mean there's 13 things every single Jew has to believe and if we don't believe in these 13 things we were not considered Jewish if you believe in 1213 you're exactly like a Muslim Muslims believe in 12 other 13 it's interesting now muslims believe 12 out of 13 you have to believe in these things these are not things that are its purpose what you have to do it's an action these are beliefs we have to believe for example the existence of one Hashem okay right we understand so one of the things that the Rambam lists in his 13 these are big major things he says you have to believe that has shame your daya ma she bought Bonet adam has shame knows what we're thinking yeah you have to believe that it's a big thing know that what I'm thinking right now a shame knows nobody knows what her shame knows so everybody says I don't understand why the Rambam have to Lister seems that people know exactly what other people are thinking right how many times do we translate people's actions we Terp read their actions in a certain way you say yeah you meant that your mother you didn't see what she did she doesn't want me to come she invited me you know she invited me by text once you call me what because she was busy so you invite everybody that technology really wants me to come then she would call me really why we became Navy even we have to believe that Hashem knows what we're thinking but somehow we know more than the Navy knows because even an athlete doesn't know what I'm thinking only Hashem knows I'm thinking but we know what other people are thinking or what they're planning there's so much that's going on in people's lives and we sit in we starting giving things to other people in people's minds so we can't control what other people are thinking about what we control is what we could do we shouldn't be thinking about other you know putting thoughts on other people saying and when we have something important to say don't let the other person guess it communicate speak a lady once called me says her first day of marriage I love the story I think it's a classic lady's story she calls me says rabbi I'm very upset my husband okay yeah okay what's the story yeah he has a cousin who just came over from Israel and he's hanging out with him and you know I barely see him so busy at work all the sudden he has time and he's not always going out he's visiting his take him I hear there and the other day he comes home and I'm sitting there very upset he comes home very late it's one o'clock he says you okay and I said yes everything is okay he goes to sleep I love this story I said what do you want him to do what do you mean were you upset yes once you tell him well why would I be up till 1:00 a.m. you're right he didn't think about that crazy guy yeah if it's important you say it if you're not saying don't expect them to understand we're not never aim they're not never aim may not live as much as we think we are they're really not we don't know what's going on in people's heads we don't know what's going out on heads we don't know you need something you need to say it what am I talking about this rabbi told me to speak about Hozuki Torah so he was out I was able to squeeze a few words now I've already stuck okay answer is I'll tell you why there's a ram bomb over here that talks about taking care of your health so he says a person has to everything that you do you have to do it for one ultimate goal to serve Hashem so AMA brings up a lot of in the ho doubt it brings a lot of different things or what a person has to do to stay healthy and to stay well and he says over here says one my you know it's a pedak in torah what am i basically talking about health when I'm supposed to be talking about Torah it says we know why because if a person is not healthy he's gonna be too preoccupied with his illnesses and his pain and his sicknesses that he doesn't have the head to serve Hashem today Baruch Hashem medicine has advanced tremendously any pain was just either motrin or whatever maybe we'll figure out how to get rid of the pain but emotional pain I believe is something that haunts everybody especially disappointments in relationships and that occupies so much of our time so much of our time is occupied on this in this area and it really doesn't let us serve Hashem properly we're so focused on these things and a lot of disappointments don't have to be there because disappoints are created when we have expectations are not met I repeated disappointments which is the worst feeling in the world you have to think about it on your own you'll see that's right the worst feeling in the world is disappointment it's created by us we expect and our expectations are not met and most of the time we're expecting from people or from things are not within our control I can expect for myself to do something that I'm in control of and then if I'm failure or not it's up to me that means if I decide that from now on I'm gonna go on a diet and I will only eat this and this and this much it's in my control if I want to if I don't want to it's in my control but if I put somebody else on a diet and I expect them to be honored Iowa or I expect something from other people I have no control over them if I have no control over them and I expected it from them then it bothers me kills me why don't they listen Oh must be they don't care about me I became Navi again right we don't descend they they're all soviet-era our expectations of our spouses and that's really the most important relationship in our lives and it should be the most important our lives are created by us and it's really a lot of it is really a waste of time now ways if I mean to say we could have avoided the disappointments if what if we tell them you know there's a famous joke if it's not so famous even if it's a minutes left it's good so there's a a woman her husband they get in a fight and what happens when her husband and wife get in a fight how we talk to each other right that's it silent treatment okay sign motions okay so how do God they both go to sleep the guy remembers oh I'm supposed to wake up at 5:00 a.m. I can't wake up unless somebody wakes me up I can't talk to her if I talk to her that I'm breaking the silence then I assume you know I'm gonna holla okay so he decides okay I'm not gonna talk to her but I'm gonna write her a letter said please wake me up 5:00 a.m. didn't go to sleep yet he puts the post-it on her pillow she can't miss it it was asleep he wakes up of course at 7:00 a.m. he missed the flight he miss everything he saw obsession who wake him up he turns out he sees a post-it he picks up he says it's 5:00 a.m. wake up I'm not gonna talk to him that's he's not talking to me right but why does that happen well back up what happened to the fight work there was a fight why was there a fight because it's the same story all the time we expected them did you tell them no they should have known why because they never even know they're not living so on we have to tell them do we have to tell us so Todd don't be with Michael yes we have to tell them if something is important you must express it very clearly and make sure that you communicate it and did they understood it so now this is the end of the class to make it practical if you're married think of something that bothers you so much about your husband okay after you got the incident it should be very easy not the only one please the only one okay after you got your answer who was laughing I know now now I'm kidding so after you got your answer think is that his fault or is it because we didn't inform them now they support are we disappointed from them because we expect from them or is it not because we expect you know maybe we did communicate maybe there's something on there for could we do something about it is this something only in their control they have a button that controls my feelings of disappointment every time they don't do something makes me disappointed so they're controlling my feelings or something that I could do something about and when you come with that solution you start that's one way to stop it's one step and you do one after another don't don't try to do everything in one shot but one thing at a time you see if it creates such a great bond and such a happiness in a marriage you know there's two ways to become happy the definition of happiness very simple how's that Hakeem says when your expectations are met you're a happy person so either you get every expectation that you have met or lower your expectations don't have so much expectations you'll be happy all the time and especially in relationships when things are not in our control we should expect less when we need something very important we should communicate make sure we got the message over when that happens relationship to become better there's a lot more simple and we can service a much better advocate now ladies [Music] [Applause]