Parshat Beshalach - Shira Smiles- Torah Tapestry

okay my friends let's learn a little bit today as I mentioned Last Week Tonight Shear is going to be a little bit up there but the the the takeaway is very very impactful for our lives we have the Camu this week we the sea split where Hashem said to mosha stretch out your hand over the sea and the water will go back upon Egypt upon its chariots upon its Horsemen mosa stretched out his hand over the sea and toward morning the water went back to its po as Egyptians were fleeing toward it and Hashem churned Egypt in the midst of the sea the word power in Hebrew isan is strength the medish which is not unusual learns the word aano when you flip around the letters that it spells out the word which is aai is a condition let's see the Medan Source too yadan said the Holy One Blessed Be he made a stipulation with the sea that it would one day split before Israel thus it is written in toward morning the water went back Leto which may be interpreted as though it read L to its stipulation meaning to stipulation that God had made with it and here R explains in Source number three the Z numerous MIM compare the word aano it's power which oh it's precondition during creation hasem imposed a precondition on the sea that when the time came for Israel to cross into the sea of reeds it was so overcome it was to overcome its normal rules of behavior and the waters were to split let's put this into English once Hashem created the world everything goes according to Nature Nature however I am building into the world certain times that we can what break break those rules and now at the splitting of the sea this is one of those times the MIM have an obvious question on this metc where do we find that the Kish is hinting that it listened to this condition I would have thought that it would hint to it when what when the water splits but we don't find it when the water splits we find it when the water what comes back and that's the question we have in then it would make sense that the water what the water split according to the stipulation that three Shalom hat why do we find this when the water comes back and that when the water is split so I want to mention a few um possibilities just that we could be intellectually honest and present them and tonight we'll do something unusual I'm only looking at one approach and the one approach will have we'll see has a number of aspects to it we're to look at one approach tonight and that is just to offer a number of ideas we'll do this briefly because I came late my Yan beta notes that you can only have a condition was something I'm doing five and six with something that both parties understand the terms of the condition which means that for the sea to split it has to understand the idea and again I'm talking we're using metap fors yeah understanding that there's an idea called Miracle the sea really works operating on the world of natural so really the tiai the condition can't be in the splitting which is Supernatural it has to be in the return which is natural and rashab said that's why it's interesting it's something to point out that when you take a look at the Shir Isel do not really praise Hashem so much for the splitting you have one you have one person describing the splitting the whole sh is about what because the Jews also only understand what the world of nature the world of nature is that water is going to what churn is a good word but to have it split that's something that even the Jews it's hard for them to what to to Fathom to comprehend another approach is found in the Tas in number seven that for the sea to split it didn't need a condition sure you want the sea to split great ah you want the see to come back wait a second are the Jews any less or let's rephrase it are the Egyptians any less righteous than the Jews why should we go back on the Egyptians for it to split they had no problem for it to go back back suddenly they said whoa no no no you have to listen that was the condition that it would what it would go back good now let's start with our one approach for tonight and again my friends get your parachute ready cuz we're going to what we're going to fly but I'm I'm I'm assuring you that we're going to what we're to land hopefully tonight in all Goods at the same time my friends what we're going to discuss tonight orbe it sounds very philosophical and up there it's really really ABCs so let's start Source n theha quotes the following idea and he says hasem created a world something from nothing you see we say this in our ding Hashem just didn't create the world one time he continuously creates it so if even for Nano second God would not be you know infusing life force into the world what would happen goodbye we would evaporate isn't that a comforting thought so if I understand that all of creation is around because Hashem has willed it to be here so now I understand and when Hashem told the sea I want you to stand as two pillars at that moment the metc says that not only did the water in the sea split what water split all the waters in the world split right here it split into two why because Hashem now said there's going to be a new world order and the New World Order is water is split which means he says that now for water to return which we said is natural of course water goes back no there needs to be a separate command to say that the wat should what return because as of now all Waters from now until the end of time have a new property and that is what split so now it's only when it is going back we have a new world order where Hashem says okay now everything's going to what come back the end of this below our original question why only now when it goes back and not when it's split which is also the answer is it's obvious to everybody when the sea splits it's God commanding it it's less obvious when the water comes back that this too is what the will of God and therefore in order to emphasize that this is the will of God as much as the splitting we have this TIY or this hint to the TIY found here what to show was also Mir right exactly right like the naos OFA to show us the war is also a miracle this is showing us that uh the splitting was a miracle let's talk about this in a philosophical construct Rabbi tat World mask Source number 11 he says we can gain access to the spirit spiritual world only through the mask of the physical and the world of nature hides the spiritual does this by appearing to be self-sufficient running reliably along the same track with reassurance predictability intrinsically however a miracle is no more wonderful than the natural and he brings our story here why he says was it necessary for mosha raenu to stretch out a staff over the sea to bring back the waters to the original natural position it should have been that as soon as the Jewish people crossed over what should have happened it would automatically have come back and he answers to split the sea an Act was necessary that was miraculous nature had to be set aside but surely as soon as je people were safe the need for the miracle is over and nature should have reasserted itself and the answer is that nature is miraculous no less than its rarest exceptions which means for the see to manifest in the way that we're used to seeing it which I.E means that it's what flowing is no less the expressed wish and manifestation of the Creator than the once in history splitting of the sea the only difference is one we're used to and one we are not used to and he describes that the word for nature is the word tea in 12 tea is related to the word to boa which means to drown Nature has us drowned into an insensitivity that we think that everything is going to happen in a predictable way te is also the root of another word called Mata and in Bor coin where you clearly see the stamp of God my friends this is our challenge how do we look at the world do the eyes of leit boa to drown same old or MATA in embor coin and here rabad speaks about different levels of perception let's take a look at a few of them the lowest level and note this is the lowest level in 13 is a person who's clearly aware of hashem's existence he davens intensely but his understanding of the world is that exists as an entity separate from Hashem of course now Hashem created the world and he controls it he can override the natural cause and effect of the law of nature but if he does not specifically override nature then you know what happens it goes on its own when this person davens his prayer is usually phrased as and if we're honest with ourselves my friends we can hear familiarity in this let it be God for example has I need to be in a certain place at a certain time and I know that many things could prevent my being there after all I cannot control all the variables like the stuck car on the one just now right that must coincide in order for me to be there then therefore Hashem please let it happen in this person mind the world functions according to its laws and most planned events have a reasonable chance of occurring but you know what other things can get in the way so when I dve in what we're really saying is Hashem don't interfere just allow nature to what to take its course and then if nothing comes in the way I I I'll get there on time now obviously we have a problem with this and that is in 15 we see Hashem is being outside of nature in control of course Supreme of course but outside and separate nonetheless and we're trapped into a false perception of the world he has accepted the routine of nature as evidence said self-sufficient and solid Nature has drowned him I just mom had this conversation today where uh I had a family member who was experiencing um Vision issues with a migraine headache which was a little bit um disconcerting it was a very good word so I called up a friend of mine who's a nurse who has a heart of gold and she starts giving me all these medical uh blah blah blah I don't know the names yeah telling me why this could happen or that could happen what this could cause the that I stopped her I said there's reonal shalum in the world he has decided to what to bring on this headache you're right we have to do what we have to do and we have to look at the causes that may have brw it but let's start with the Rono shalum has brought the following situation okay now that we've established that we can now talk the medical terms you know what I'm saying like we forget am I making any sense but why but why should you have to tell her that shouldn't it be obvious I mean you're you're asking her for advice so you want her advice I want us to have Clarity in what we are dealing with Hashem brought it on Hashem can take it away a b is the medical aspect but I want us to be clear that's also from hasem 100% that's why I called her I'm not being what waiting for I'm not waiting for Hashem to come down with a magic wand I went through medical channels at the same time we have to remind ourselves what what I'm trying to say is you can get drowned in you're not with Meed I I just think that if I as if I as a nurse oh there's a doctor here oh I'm sorry right okay that's it that's it but you want you understand where I'm coming from I'm not I'm not uh okay forget that example let's go back into life what I'm trying to say is we have to bring the reonal shum into our lives and if not for the nurse for me that the Consciousness has to be that with using the medical aspect there has to be Chua there has to be where can I improve because otherwise I've what I've missed the boat that's all I'm saying what did she talk about tonight I migrain headaches and she call the rabbi a doctor I don't know what she was let's go back yes ma'am h some wow wow that's beautiful story thank you for sharing that that's what we're talking about here good we're on the same page thank you for bringing that story you exonerated me a little bit here and and I and I really appreciate that because you know it it I appreciate it thank you the rebel says that the um gatria of is the same elim right means that is Elohim yes that Hashem run said 100% well stated now we know when we say shma we've been talking about shma last week we spoke about the darkness and the light when we say shma when we say means there is nothing aside from nature is not aside from Hashem Hashem is nature it's one and the same it's not there's a God and then there's something called nature Hashem is found in every molecule Hashem is found in every particle in this world the second level which I'll just mentioned I don't want to go down there is that nature is a tool in the hands of Hashem which is a higher level it's not really separate but yet tool is still separate the third level which is where I want to go now in 19 is those whose perception of hashem's all encompassing Oneness is clear at this level there is no distinction between Hashem and his Creation The World of Nature is not a tool or extension of the Creator it's none other than hasem himself and that is an odato and that brings us a famous story at the end of 19 of RAB B doa's daughter who put vinegar in into the shabas LIF and she goes I give out what are we going to do didn't blink and the key in the story is he didn't blink what's the problem The God Who said that you can put oil is the same God who can put vinegar and it will light because in his mind he understood that nature is just a smoke screen for seeing Hashem in this world and this is the challenge that we have going back to our original uh schy that when asem created the world we really look at this world as existing on its own our challenge is to be able to realize a OD Mado and that at any moment at any time anything can happen because the Reon shalam is in charge and this is brought to the four in the fact that the Moab had to lift his hand for the water to return don't take it for granted that water will return don't take anything for granted it's all the will of God good now that we answer the question I want to take this one step deeper work with me here there is a very famous or they're like the classic one is in this is another classic in 22 and the says the following um in 22 where he says in truth this stipulation falls into the category I'm in the second paragraph of the stipulations that Hashem made regarding all the work of creation whereby he required his Creations to be subservient to the Torah and to those who toil in Torah and do all the Torah Scholars commanded them to do listen to this thead says until the giving of the Torah all of these stipulations had to be built into creation once the Torah was given we have a new dimension here and that is that Torah Scholars have the ability to affect nature and nature has to be subservient to Torah Scholars a classic example of this is R Pinas Ben R Pinas Ben Yer there are a number of stories where he said to the river split and the river said why should I split because I'm a tah scholar and the and he says if you don't split you're going to dry up and the river split this is the idea and we see this ad where people and we'll talk more about this in a few minutes were people of Torah this is how Hashem built into the world that you need stipulation till Torah is given once Torah is given Torah Scholars have this ability and this is how he teaches the PK squiggly at the end of 22 the P says in yesah that literally means your creator Comm yob know who your creator is Hashem how does yob you have the power to what beautiful to create you yov have the power to create and this is something that is unique and he says in 24 accordingly any truly righteous person who might arise from after receiving of the Torah has this promisory note of the Torah in his hand and be able to force the water or whatever it is in creation to abide by their will now if we flip the page the uh SOS Mor notes here that we find something fascinating by Camu the Jews sing Shir we don't find when a according to the medish was saved by the we doesn't sing Shir did you notice that you ever wonder like or you find that major things happen let's say Yakov ainu fighting with the Mal that was Supernatural doesn't S Shir why not so listen what what' you say sacrifices not to we afterwards Yakov not immediately what do you see he says it wasn't a big deal for them why should they were they were on that level of the Jews at the time of giving of the Torah which meant that there's no such thing as nature which is so so Fire doesn't burn okay so I beat an angel okay the Jews her weren't on that level when they see something like this what do they do they sing she like wow and we ourselves see this when we see something that is wow we're like wow a person who's on that high spiritual level says I'm going to use my English it's not English du I I warned you it wasn't sophisticated English what's the upshot for our lives my friends listen closely if we understand as the zorad says in 32 that when he created the world Alma he looked into the Torah and created the world so that the only reason why the world is here in L in 33 y something there's not day and night because that's what is been in creation there's day and night because the Torah says there should be day and night the only thing that is real in our world is Torah there is no such thing as nature it's the will of God the will of Torah Scholars that's what determines everything what's the upshot for our lives listen closely 34 this is one I'm not down on Earth yet but I'm coming down there people work very hard for panasa 34 we have to work and what do we say with the sweat of your brow you you got to put in a day's work my friends we end in we have in and we have in the we should make a request silence can I just hold it for a moment thank you if you listen to Hashem then what do we really believe that there's a cause and effect do we really understand are you following my question we say the shma a few times a day but are we inculcating what we're saying are we living a Torah mindset and if we live a Torah mindset then our hisas are putting in effort will be putting in more effort into our vus hasem I have this constant debate with my husband I tell him you need to do more and he says to me you need to do more that's why he doesn't go out to work and I work that's why I'm here right now my friends it's real simple isn't it and that's why writes in 36 our connection to Torah our connection to clinging to hem they almost have complete control over creation and he quotes here the on the next page a major principle of Torah elun and really a a a a root of our faith which is an offshoot of oura in Divine Providence he those who really believe nature is subservient to their will and he says one who doubts this is as if he's placing a doubt in Torah itself in brings a number of examples I want to share with you two one contemporary one non contemporary bring us an example and there's so many Raja yose that out so Raja yose is our times so Raja was n he uh used to say many starting do this um of on chabis to make sure you have the 100 Bros so he would have the at his table on Friday night so his family went down they had a bush whatever in their in their yard uh by their house and they went down and there was very bad weather and there was nothing growing and there was nothing say so they went back up empty-handed an hour before shabas he says to one of the members of the family bring me something for shabas I can say AB BR they said well we went down and there was nothing there the weather is really bad Ali we should have bad weather you know we need the rain and he said I told you to go down I told you there's nothing there I told you to go down okay he goes down and guess what there was a plant growing there now how did that plant grow there in in in two hours now if you're surprised you're still on the first level if you're not in your head of course then you have integrated that yeah that makes sense the second example I want to bring not so much for the example because it's a wild example but for me personally it helps me go get through this past year with the hostages and theim I don't know if it'll be helpful for you I'm just talking very personally here it's based on nothing but smiles personal which means take it or leave it and be free to leave it here's the story crack out few hundred years ago there was a a man who sat all day and learn Torah he had a little room and he used to learn Torah there one day the King was going through crack out and everyone went out into the streets because of an opportunity to say AA so he also said it's an opportunity to say AA so when he heard you know the trumpets going down his street he opened up his window and he saw the king and he said the braa and went back to learning right when he sat back down to learn a stone was dislodged from his building and hit the horses the king's horse now if you have a stone hitting the king's course that is a sentence of death very good I mean not very good but you you understood and they said where did it come from he's the only one in the house everyone was out on the street and they sentenced him to death and they pleaded and he's a nice guy and he sits and learns all day and don't touch him and the King's uh officer said to the r of that if you can stand up in defense of this person we will get him off the hook and the RV was silent and he was killed and people were up in arms could you imagine the RV commanded that they bring the coffin to the SHO this is a wild story he commanded the guy who died he said I want you to get up and tell everybody why I was silent the guy gets up now if you're surprised remember you're still on the first level there's no difference between weak growing that's rotted in the ground and a person dying and growing it's both Resurrection one you're used to one you're not the guy gets up and he says the father following I was the first person to throw a stone at yavi I have been through 10 incarnations I have finally reached my level of peace and this is why the RV did not say anything take it away from I didn't take it away from him and he went back to die I don't know if that was English he returned to his previous state of death it's a little bit more poetic wow and that that is a dramatic story we don't get it we don't get it we don't get it we have to believe in Gil you have to believe in Gil gulim yes but I'm saying personally that's the only way I make sense of anything that's going on because it makes no sense it makes no sense and the pain is sot unless you say my sh it's well you have to you have to I agree with you now here's the punchline for us I finally got there okay let me just see where I've been and now where I'm going why was there necessary to have a tiai because it was before the Torah was given why was the tiai the condition when it went back so you shouldn't take anything in life for granted just the fact that it goes back is in nature you need to have a command or condition for it to go back good in life we have to ask our s do I look at life that everything just goes by Nature as long as God doesn't intervene or do imish have to see that the hand of Hashem is found in everything once the Torah is given then there are certain people who have that gift these great Torah Scholars who have the ability to affect it's about he would fly from one place to another like like hello it's these are people who nature doesn't it doesn't doesn't take up any space so now my question for myself is that's very nice Smiles but what application does this have for my life because if I don't answer that question I failed in my bu opinion so here we come to the punchline for today and I want us to listen let's look at that gamorra in 39 of it's a was traveling to the study hall to study Torah but the gai river which had to be crossed was going stronger so he could not pass it said to the river g g why are you holding me back from the study hole so the river split before him and he passed over now here's the key his students said to him could we cross over as well listen to his answer he said to them whoever knows of him self that he never slighted a Jewish person all of his days he may cross and he will not be harmed 40 not Hashem made man just a tiny bit under from being God and we've been adorned with Glory and Honor all of creation should be under his Dominion that's the way Reon envisioned the world viua we should be in charge of this world when the P tells us when we are when we are Godlike when we have value that salum Elohim that Divine image in us then we too have that power over nature yes I'm having trouble with the med about the Y having to be convinced by hasem well when they saw the of yeah I'm not going there now I'm not going there I'm not going there I'm not going there so you have work to do that's okay it it doesn't bother me nothing bothers me of course it's here to teach us a lesson nothing to do with the Y nothing to do with it's for us to learn a lesson obviously okay now he brings here a galic Insight fromstein the mus say and this is such a think about this I'm on the second paragraph in 40 second line when you make light of a certain aspect then you will lose that aspect let me explain the example gives is how come when they would David in the previous years their were answer we D in and we feel like we're hitting a brick wall he says look at our daving we come in when we want we leave when we want we talk during ding whenever we want you know I've seen this I don't go I I I don't go during the week to but on Min on Fast days I I try to go for you know and I'm appold we have a Sho that you can look down waiting for the the the to begin people are checking their mail what are you doing checking your mail in the middle of SCH like I don't know when you don't treat something with respect it's not there to stand in your stead classic example D cut the clothe of sha he wasn't warmed at the end of his life he says also we have in the middle of 41 the idea of uh they did a these terrible sins in the time of how come Torah didn't protect them you don't really respect Torah Torah is not going to come to what to help you out so now I yes what does the word what is the worda is in any aspect in any ma in any give me a better word mil in any spiritual spiritual level Spirit value a spiritual value that was exactly what I was trying to say thank you right something that you make light of so then when you need that thing it's not going to stand in your it's not going to be there for you so let me give you another example you are not you a person makes light of speech they say whatever you want whenever they want however they want then your power of speech to be able to be used in Fila has now become what decreased does that does that work for you it's it's it's fascinating to look at our own lives what have we it's not such a big deal and then we need that thing we've lost it so that's what he's saying here when a person doesn't treat others with respect and doesn't realize that cohim the Divine image in others right as who is The Honorable one who shows honors to others so then when you need this quality of of divine image in order to be able to rule over nature then you've what you've lost it and that's what is saying you want to cross Shore as long as you have never slighted a person all of his days you also have control over nature let us not think that it's only the Torah Scholars who have rule over nature my friends each and every one of us has the capacity yes isn't that fasinating it is between man and God yeah and God is saying I'm giving you this world how do you treat others it's in your hands now I will make a suggestion and then we'll do one final idea of a safer to learn if you want to work on your telum mokim Your Divine image it's a safer that just came out by an author who I happen to like his writing a lot and that is Rabbi Elias I have mentioned his book an Imam in the past he just recently artqu came out with to dor toor we're very familiar with Tom dor is a bigus to learn if a person's laan who is sick toar D'Or is about how do you emulate Hashem what I like about this safer and we're just going to do a an Insight here is that he speaks my language I've taught toor D'Or personally it's really hard to learn and the Sim out there make it even more of a challenge is that terrible to say no I'm limited he gives examples that I can relate to I'll give give you an example one of the things that the to D speaks about is that we have to be able to forgo to overlook he makes it practical for our lives he has a commentary and then he brings it to our life so he says you go to your in-laws for or your parents and another family is there and they get the better room and they have less kids now what do you say well that's not fair and you make a whole to do MOS is what there must be a calculation I am what I am not aware of the examples that he gives are real life examples that we can what we can relate to so I highly recommend the book I don't get any percentages even though I will say he mailed me the book because I think he wanted me to promote it so I guess I do have a here but I was very taken by it I love his writing I don't know him for never mind listen to what he says in the Aron 43 the nisha's power to elevate is not limited to the person himself by virtue of your possessing a the Shema your hand is not merely some bone and flesh it's vested with ability to impact the world around you and that's what we have to understand we are here to impact the world around us we cannot sell ourselves short moving to 44 the t devor is widely touted for its incredible schoola properties no invest the effort to learn and live its lessons are ass sure the UN Le tremendous Divine compassion and he says our job in our life man has the potential to become something fantastic and the greatest abuse of that potential we walls through life in complete ignorance of what his capabilities are never actualizing The Power Within true even someone who casually meanders through life will do some wonderful things and he says it's like a person eating soup with a fork aren't these like great examples I was trying to think when I ate soup on on Friday night what is it like to eat soup with a fork like you will get some soup but what these little bits of accomplishment are a poor showing considering what he's primed for it's appropriate for a person this is not a matter of obligation or ideal it's description of who man is meant to be and the greatest achievement we can attain is to mold ourselves into a person who acts in the way of us them and lives his values and attributes when a person trains himself to be consistently kind merciful and giving to others these compassionate traits become integral to his very being by doing so a person identifies with a and grow attached to him my friends [Music] what's stopping us okay it's a lifetime but why aren't we starting and it's never too late to start and again it's a Continuum the more we work on being like God the more we work on kind merciful the the more we have creation under our hands the more we have the ability to affect the world around us now I want to add one more point for tonight and we finished Torah Scholars you can have a bush growing revaj Yosef anyone who is a compassionate person hasn't slighted a person go across that River it's in your hands and I want to share a third group of people who also can affect miracles this is another one of my favorite books the six cons mitos from burtz and he asked 47 why can't we perform Miracles that's a great question according to what we have suggested obviously we're coming in the middle here each one of us should be able to perform Miracles since under ordinary circumstances Hashem enables us to follow through on our fear whe choices why can't we choose to perform a miracle and we Grant the power to carry out that choice he's coming from the perspective that we do absolutely nothing in life I lift up my hand right now I had no ability to do so God enabled me at this moment to lift up my hand the only thing that is in my H in my literally in my hands the only thing that I can do is say it choice choice very good is to choose right and that's why s says rotone is the same aspect ofor a it our rut Zone brings down our ability to affect change but only God can do it you ever try to start your car and it doesn't start that's a metaphor for what for Life the answer shaky as it may be is that we're unable to do so right why don't I say I really want to do a miracle well if I really have a rut Zone then God follows Tru so then why I really do want a miracle I want to fly back to be chemes and five minutes well why isn't it happening so he says the answer shocking as it may be is that we're only we're unable to do so only because we don't really believe that we can we may profess the desire to perform Miracles but depth of our heart we don't really believe we can for two somewhat contradictory reasons first because we believe that we're the ones performing the countless tasks we engage and daily and that there's nothing Supernatural about them that they're like burning oil not burning vinegar we forget that we're powerless without hashem's responses to our free real choices and we cannot even lift a finger without him we are therefore accustomed to think that the actions we perform daily are within our realm of function but what we consider to be Miracles are not so reason number one why we don't get Miracles done is because we think we're doing it we forget that we are completely powerless and two because we doubt that God will respond to little all dust we know that God performs Miracles but only for holy people to refute this error we must turn to a differentiate between nature and miracles nature is a serious miraculous events that occurs within frequency to become reliable there is no nature there are no Miracles everything is the will of God therefore we make a free will choice we understanding our R is limited to making that choice and Hashem is the one who enables us to perform it then if you will that he'll enable us to perform Miracles and that's why he says and this is where I want us to leave for today the idol of I can't which he says is not having other Idols there's an idol called I can't is the most difficult one to destroyed start by thinking about the tasks you carry out naturally every day and stop believing your own ability to perform those tasks remember we spoke about last week about Mak that even to pick up a drink of water is miraculous nothing can be taken for granted teach yourself to watch your body at work while remembering that you're not actually accomplishing anything except for exercising free will it's a little intense if you're holding something hot because you may drop it because this is really a very deep I'm not really holding this cup I chose to hold this cup and God is enabling me to hold it I've done nothing in my life grow in your appreciation ability to make choices while increasing your feeling of helpfulness to do anything beyond exercising God free gift of free will when you succeed in doing this you too will become worthy of Miracles when we let go of level one and enter into and begin to understand yes I go to doctors and yes Hashem is in control of everything and I do nothing except desire and will when I'm able to really let go and really understand it's not about me so then you will see that what that miracles happen and I'll end with personally this is again personal which I've personally seen this every single single week in the par Shear I believe this is 18 years 40 to 44 Shear a year if you know how many hours go into this year I start every week I can't do this and then I say to myself you're right sh you're not doing it all right I I have to remind myself okay I will do whatever I can and then I David Hashem I can't put this together this is beyond me I have a desire to put this year together and 18 years week after week after week you have the desire and you know that you need to what fill my sented what let go that you're not doing it have the humility it's not about me then you m see BR coming down from Shay at