Parshas Vayera: How Cynicism Corrodes Our Feminine Energy and How to Heal It

Welcome everybody. Thank you for gracing us this morning. Today's class is dedicated by our dear friend dedicated graciously by our dear friend Abescal. Good friend good friend in honor of the yard site on the 15th of Keshan of his dear fatherdavid Ben Yeescal Halevi. good friend. He was a Holocaust survivor whose old world civility and menite set a standard for his children to strive to uphold and indeed I should have I should add they do uphold it and may his soul be an eternal source of blessing and inspiration and empowerment and love and light to you and to the entire family among all of the Jewish people for many many long happy healthy years. Amen. And thank you >> [laughter] >> And uh may we see the experience of amen. It's also today's class is also dedicated by Rifka Saxs and her family in memory of Yehuda Benit Alan Saxs on the occasion of his 20th yard site on the 14th day of Keshman. Yehuda Sax was one of the pillars of the Jewish community in Pittsburgh. an extraordinary man who I was privileged to call a friend and may his love and and kite and refinement always be a source of inspiration and presence for you and for all of us. also dedicated today's class is also dedicated in memory of Galbas Israel on her 29th yard site on the 15th day of Keshan mother of Rabis Kaplan may her nama have an aliyah and [clears throat] only shower down blessings to the family and to all of our people dedicated by Kani and Yitzk Hakayen Kaplan thank you very very much okay so today we have one source sheet and we're going to be we're going to be studying a remarkable story in the beginning of the para. I also want to welcome Rebbitson Fish who's gracing us here with her presence. Fisher Rabbitson Fisher, thank you. And they built a ramp this week. The ramp was the mamish this week, right? >> In anticipation, >> huh? Okay. >> Thank you. It's an honor to have you. Thank you for coming and gracing us. You're comfortable. Okay. So in the opening of parishes Viraa there is a story that is it's very well known but we're going to focus on one aspect of the story that at surface seems very very difficult to comprehend and understand but really it opens up a vista to a very profound reflection on something that a lot of us deal with and this is the issue of cynicism in life. You know, life has its struggles and challenges and disappointments. And one of the great uh coping mechanisms is when you become cynical. Anybody relates to what I'm talking about? >> Huh? Really? Okay. [snorts] And uh you know there's masculine energy in the world and there's feminine energy in the world. Generally we call it men and women. But it's not necessarily that way because there's the feminine in the man, there's the masculine in the woman. Masculinity and femininity are energies in the world. There's a masculine energy and a feminine energy. Sometimes a man may have a lot of feminine qualities and sometimes the opposite. But still there is a distinction between feminine energy and masculine energy as everybody knows especially [clears throat] if you're married. So, cynicism affects everybody, but when cynicism contaminates feminine energy, as we will see, it could be much more dangerous than when it penetrates masculine energy. And it's this aspect of cynicism and how to deal with it without being naive. You know, some people they're naive, they, you know, they just trust. But if you're not naive, you're present, you're you're you're [snorts] vigilant, you've seen reality, you've been around the block twice or three times or maybe even nine or 11 times, you know, cynicism is a very very deep deep quality. It's really a defense mechanism, very powerful defense mechanism. I'll never be disappointed again if I'm cynical. If I could dismiss everything and make fun of everything, mock everything and just let down, let you know, let go of higher expectations, it seems sometimes a a good way to survive. It's this aspect which becomes so crucial in life and really becomes an amazing extraordinary theme in the continuity of the Jewish people and in our own emotional lives today that becomes like in everything in ter it's addressed through stories and conversations and then you have to figure out what's the subplot and what's beneath the the the text of the story itself contextualize it and be able to see its true meaning its deeper meaning and message. So let's remember the background au went through a bris at the end of par went through a circumcision and in the beginning of a we learn that he is sitting at the entrance of his tent it's a hot day and au is sitting at the entrance of his tent he's relaxing and he's visited by a very special guest called hashem love hashem hashem appears to as he's sitting at his tent but in the process of their encounter. He sees three men. He sees three men who are approaching the tent. They're walking by. Of course, later they turn out to be malim divine messengers. That becomes clear later in the story. But now they're just called three men and uh Arainu runs towards them even though he was still ill. It was the third day after his bris according to our sages. And he invites them to the house. He invites them to the tent. He wants them to drink water. He wants them to relax. He wants them to recline under the tree. And he asks Sara to bake bread for them. He goes and he prepares meat for them. He also brings them. He brings them cream. He brings them milk. He brings them meat. And he's standing and serving them and attending to them under the tree as they eat a delicious gourmet of Ram and Sara. First Jewish meal in history. And uh of course at the end of the conversation, at the end of the hospitality, they promise that his wife Sara is going to bear a child, a son. And uh Sarah is standing behind the door and she hears this promise that we're going to come in a year from now. Your wife Sarah is going to have a son. What happens next? S's response. S who overhears it is skeptical. And that's what the Torah describes in detail what Sarah's response was and what happens afterwards. So it's in your first source sheet. Genesis 18:12. Sara laughed inside means inside herself. This was an inner laughter saying you have it also in the English after the Hebrews English after I have withered shall I again have delicate skin. My husband is so old. We remember of course Abram was 99 when he had his bris. Sara was 89 at the time. So she says after so many years my skin is becoming soft again. I'm going to mother. It's impossible. I have withered and my husband is so old. That is Sarah's response to herself. It's an inner conversation. It says she laughed inside. There was nobody to say it to, but inside she laughed and she said, "This is a senseless promise and a senseless story." What happens next? Hashem. Hashem decides to take it up with a and he tells a why did Sarah laugh saying can I really have a child when I am old why did she laugh? Is anything too difficult or strange for Hashem for God? At the designated time, I will return and Sarah will indeed have a child. So that's the end of the conversation of Hashem and Ara. So Sarah laughs inside. She says, "This is a crazy story. Doesn't make sense. It's not happening." And Hashem confronts Ara and says, "Why is Sarah laughing? She thinks that I can't do it. It's going to happen." An interesting change that happens is Sarah said, "My master, my husband is old." When Hashem quotes her, he changes the story. He says that she said, "I'm old." Right? If you look, what did Sorah say when she laughed? She said, "After I withered, I'm going to have soft skin." Which means my master, my husband, is old. She says, "He's too old." When Hashem quotes her, what does she say? What does Hashem say? You see, he changes the story. He doesn't say that she said, "You're old. you're an old man. She said, I'm an old woman. It's a very interesting change. This is the source for the fact that to make peace between a husband and a wife. [laughter] You sometimes have to know how to speak diplomatically. That's what Kazal say from this. And this is Abra and Sar. They were married for many, many years. He was already 99. Presumably they worked out some things. And nonetheless, how Hashem said what Sarah said was very interesting, was very sensitive. Okay. And then he says, "Hashem can do anything. I'm going to come back." What's the next part of the story? Next part of the story is the strangest. Now somebody took it up with Sarah. Somebody comes back to Sara to confront her. So Sarah is laughing. Hashem goes to Av and then somebody goes to S. Now who goes to S? The P doesn't say it just says that Sah denies the whole story. Let's see the next piece. The next person Sah denied the story. saying I never laughed and then the unusually usually does not give psychological reasons and emotions behind what people do. You have to figure that out on your own in most of very very few instances where we hear about the inner emotion behind the story. You can imagine, you can speculate, you can research, but usually does not say what what was the emotion that prompted these words or this behavior. Here there's an exception and it explains why Sah denied. She denied she I did not laugh because she was afraid and he said it doesn't say who said he said no you did laugh. That's the end of the story. The end of the story. So we have three. One is Sarah Sor laughing and mocking this whole story. It doesn't make sense. It can't happen. The second one is Hashem tells Ara, why is she laughing? God can do anything. It's going to happen. And the third one is Sah denies it. Now we can imagine that it was Ara who went back to S and said by the way I had a very interesting conversation with the creator today. You know he says that you're laughing. He's a little whatever that's but the P doesn't say it was Ara. But obviously somebody came to her and asked her what happened and she denied it. She said I did not laugh. Why? K she was afraid. Doesn't say what she was afraid of. Okay. So she says no. And now the one who's talking to her says it's not true. You did laugh. And what did Sorah say? We don't know. It's the end of the story. And then it right changes. The para changes and it goes to the next story which is that two of the messengers go to and that's where they're greeted by light and they save light and his family and is overturned. But this story comes to an end. Only later in the para of course will the continuation of the story be with the birth of a year later. The first big question is why would Sarah deny? What happened? You say clear that Sarah left. Why would she deny? That doesn't seem appropriate. The Torah says she was afraid. Afraid of whom? Who was she afraid of to admit that she laughed? Was she afraid of Avam of her husband's response? Why? Why was she so afraid to tell Avam that she left? After all, she was 90. She was 89 years old. He was 99 years old. And uh yeah, she was cynical about this promise, right? The Ramban actually Rabman in his commentary on Kish, he explains that actually Sarah's response made a lot of sense because Sarah didn't know that these were angels. Sarah saw three people. They looked like bedawin Arabs. They were eating at her husband. Her husband was giving them this most glamorous exceptional exceptional meal. And uh she did not take their promise or blessings seriously. You know maybe also Ramban says Abram didn't share with her what Hashem has told him we have back in Parl that Hashem told him that Sor will have a child. Maybe he didn't share it with her. So therefore, the Ramban says Sor was very skeptical when three bedawin Arabs come for a lavish meal and then promise her that she's going to have a child. It sounded funny to her. You know, it's like uh I don't know, three come to shul and when you give them $20, they're like by next Sunday all your three daughters who need a will be engaged and one of them will already be after the wedding. Fine. Okay. If that's what $20 does, THAT'S WHAT BUT YOU ALSO LAUGH. You just all laughed, right? Not because you're atheists and you're not believers cuz fine. Yeah, they got a beautiful meal. So, you know, sass can guilt, right? You're not going to hold them accountable for their brahas. It's fine. Shine a braha promise. What the main thing is they got the meal. That's how the Ramban says what S may have been thinking. So, what do you want from her? Okay. But then the then the case is of course why would she deny it? She said, "Yeah, I laughed." Okay. You telling me it's a serious thing from Hashem? Fine. There was something happening here ka she was scared. Another question is why does the even tell this to us? What like what's the point of the story? Like she was confronted. She denied it and the man says no you did laugh. So it's almost like I said you said he said she said but you said I said you know those arguments and where they go and here too nothing happens. There's no resolution. So what happened at the end of this argument? She said I didn't laugh. He said you did laugh. So now what happened? Like [laughter] does she admit? No. Doesn't say anything. It's like you're stuck. And what's the point? Like so so they got into a dispute over this. It's like I said, he said, God told me. No, you don't know what you're talking about. And what are we supposed to like what's the is like every story in the obviously is is containing a profound message. We don't know about many conversations between Ara and Sur. We know about a few of them. So each one that's recounted is obviously extremely significant to appreciate them and to appreciate what they what they represented. The Katskarba once said that the key is what does it mean she laughed inside? >> Huh? >> She didn't laugh. >> So literally you'll SAY IT WASN'T LIKE THIS IS CRAZY. It was an inner thought, an inner feeling. Kerba, why does the T have to say that? Why is that necessary? Okay, so she didn't laugh loud. She laughed inside. It was like a little giggle maybe that people give that other people don't notice. So he says actually that inside of her means that it was subconscious. She didn't know that she laughed. the intestines the kishkas inside of her there was laughter but it wasn't conscious that's his interpretation that's the biker sometimes things are so deep inside I don't even know about them >> she wasn't laughing >> right but you see we see what Hashem told Ara you're saying it wasn't cynicism, it was just joy. >> So what and Hashem didn't know that because Hashem confronts Ara and says, "Why is she laughing? She thinks I can't do it." So obviously there was a different >> [snorts] >> Okay, I hear [snorts] >> and the says that's ka fear. It wasn't that she denied that she laughed because she was afraid. It's her fear, her awe didn't allow her to know that she left. In other words, sometimes things remain so concealed in us and there is a fear to know about them. It's interesting how many resources we invest, our psyche invests in making sure we don't know things that we know. Did you hear what I just said? In making sure that we don't know things that we know. We know that we know them, but we tell ourselves we don't know them. And sometimes, yeah, yeah, we don't want to know them. And because we don't want to know them, we make believe that we don't know them. And then our psyche is so brilliant that it actually creates that reality. So, and it's not so easy to be able to expose ourselves to all these things because sometimes we create layers and shells and protectors. It just keeps things easier or smooth and they work out until >> they don't. >> They don't, right? It works until it doesn't work. You know, the car drives and then the car stops and then you have to open the hood and you see that uh instead of putting in oil, the guy put in, you know, uh sugar, whatever. So, uh you know, when you have to open the hood to the car, you have to see things. As long as the car is driving, the car is driving. So, opening the hood can get messy. That's why we go to mechanics. We don't like doing it ourselves. On the other hand, it can also tell us what's happening inside. So the katkarb argues that this bea was a completely subconscious experience and therefore consciously she's like that didn't happen and yet hashem wanted sah to become comfortable with her subconscious to be able to cleanse her subconscious which is a very deep upgrade in life because things work externally and it's nice and it's beautiful and it's functional and that's why you say I don't want to know certain things but the soul knows And the inner inner resentment and anger is there. It's just maybe repressed and suppressed. Some of us for many many many years and many women are good at this. Some men are also good at this. Know how to because of responsibility uh a lot of guilt, a lot of shame um and sometimes also deep faith and conviction and mixed in with a lot of inner shame and fear. deny a lot. A lot gets covered up. A lot sits inside the system because their mechanism feels that this is the best way to to deal with reality and sometimes there's such a deep kindness in it like such a deep sense of aas and kindness that if you know if I go to certain places everything will fall apart. Everything will be disintegrated. What happens to this family? What happens to this marriage? What happens to my children? what happens to my whatever the are in every person's life and it's sometimes completely subconscious it's not like a person sits down I'm deny I'm not denying anything but our brains do the job and we see what we want to see we don't see what we don't want to see but the soul of course knows everything and there comes a time in life where I am challenged to go deeper sometimes when things externally are not functioning so well and then it's really an invitation what's really happening inside because the truth is when I don't clean out the insides and when I don't expose myself to what's happening inside. There's a lot going on, but without me being aware of it. And the only thing that's worse than inner toxicity is inner toxicity that I'm completely clueless about. In other words, if I have dysfunctionality and if I have internal reactions that are very difficult to live with and challenging, when I confront them and I could look at them, I can also deal with them. I can get help for them. But when I deny that too and just become defensive about everything, then the infections just remain there without the ability to be able to look at them. So according to the Katskarb, this is what was happening. Sara's laughter was completely subconscious. It was the in a way that she even didn't know it. In other words, sometimes our responses to somebody else are one response, but internally what is driving that response is something that I'm I'm unaware of. You know how much cynicism is there? How much despair is there? How much helplessness is there? How much the need to disassociate or to protect myself is there. And that's the that's how the katskarba sees the story. And Hashem wants to repair even her subconscious. And that's why he speaks to Arau to be able to have a conversation with Sara. And this is very interesting because that's how the story ends. She denies. She says, "I did not laugh because she was afraid." Afraid to know that she laughed. And then what does he say? You did laugh. It's like let's go a little deeper like that's the end of the story. That's what I want to deal with. I that's how the Katskarb explains it. There's a safer called and he says that when Sarah said my master is old, she wasn't referring to Hashem. She wasn't referring to Aram. She was referring to Hashem. What she was saying is that I'm not worthy of a miracle because adi my master Hashem is old. Meaning my relationship with Hashem is old. It's not fresh. It's not vibrant. So therefore, I'm not worthy of this miracle because adi, my master in my eyes is old. Like God is just an old thing. It's not relevant. It's not alive. It's not vibrant. It's not fresh in my life. That's what she was saying. Hashem for me is like stale, numb, old. It's like it's like it doesn't mean anything. So I don't have that relationship that can channel that I can be a channel for for for these divine blessings. And that's why when Hashem says to Ara that Sah said, "I'm old." He wasn't actually changing the story. He was telling Ara, SARAH SAID, "I'M OLD. GOD IS OLD. ME I'M OLD." Not referring to Sarah, referring to him. So it's actually he was repeating exactly what Sarah said. Cuz Sarah wasn't talking about Ara. She was talking about Hashem. Why does Sarah think that I'm old? She thinks that I'm old. She doesn't realize I'm not old. How do So Hashem didn't really change change the story. That's how Mariel explains it. We see from all these different explanations the difficulties the the the challenge that the commentators had had with this story. The truth is though when you look at the story at the surface also it seems like Sor was afraid of Av. But the truth is if you go through the stories of S and Ara you see she does not seem to be afraid of Av. Generally the im were not afraid of the other. They did whatever they wanted. >> None of the women here need my permission not to be afraid of their husbands. Okay. And if you do I don't know if it's going to help anyway. S stands her own in the presence of Ara. She doesn't seem scared of him. We have inl rebukes a very very sharply about his relationship with hagar. She suggested hugger to be go to be with a consented and then huger was despising s and s told a very sharp words means there is deep deep pain and hurt at you from what's happening with hagar here. She does not back off. She's very very sharp. Later in this para she would argue with Avam about his own son. Ara wanted you to stay in the house and S says absolutely not. She argues with Av and she says I do not want him in this house. He cannot be in this house. And of course is upset. He disagrees with S. And he consents only because Hashem says whatever Sah tells you you should listen to her. So basically Sarah has no quam standing up against her husband even in the fiance of his desires. She's not the type of person who fears her husband. Suddenly here it says ka she was afraid. Now maybe you'll say it doesn't mean she was afraid of a maybe she was afraid of Hashem. But that's senseless. Did she think that Hashem doesn't know the truth? Like who do you who how does anybody know that you laughed inside? You think you're afraid of Hashem and therefore you're going to tell him a lie because you're afraid. It's like your boss in the office. You tell him a lie so he won't found out. I mean, if he's God in any form of the sense of God, he probably knows. How do you hide that? How do you hide that from Hashem? And then comes the last moment, the the the response to her denial. No, you did laugh. He said, you see the last words. He said, "No, you did laugh." Who said this? Probably a So, what was this all about? Like I said, he said, she said game in the therapist's office. You know those therapy sessions? He says this story. She says this story. He says this story. And it's I did laugh. You didn't laugh. I I insulted you. I didn't insult you. Did insult me. I didn't insult you. You're a baby. You're the baby. Boom. Very helpful. Instead of speaking about the pain and the connection we're arguing about, right? If he laughed, how he laughed, if she laughed, how she laughed, etc. Where is that going to go? Let's fight for another 10 years, 20 years. And that's why this story is so strange. It does not conclude with any resolution. Now maybe you could say it's Hashem who told her these words. No, you did laugh perhaps. So what was the point? Hashem was telling Sarah, "Can't hide from me. I know you laughed. Next." And if Sor really feels you can fool Hashem, like she's lying to Hashem, is Hashem going to telling her these words you laughed going to help? Like if that's really her conviction, how you going to help that? Finally, what's the real message of this entire story? Hashem is upset. Sarah denies what happened. Someone confronts her. She denies it and he denies her. Like, what's the real message of this story? What are we supposed to learn from this? And the story has no closure. Sometimes when things happen like you're not left hanging, but here you're like left hanging. It goes off to another story. So what's what's the resolution? Maybe we would think Hashem would chastise her, penalize her, maybe say to her, you need to repent, maybe ask her to apologize. None of this happens. Just gets interrupted and we move on. We think we move on. But it's very very obvious that we don't move on because what seems like here just a little obscure exchange about Sarah laughing suddenly becomes very very dramatic. Why? Because when this child is actually born this grand miracle of a 90-year-old mother a 99year-old father have a baby at not this time he's 100. What become what's the name of this child? >> Yitzk. What does mean? Laughter. H what a coincidence. Mommy was laughing her kishkas out. Pun intended. The kerba. She's laughing her heart out. That this is not happening. She gets into a whole I don't want to call it brule but a whole debate with somebody. If she laughed, she didn't laugh. Not okay. The end is you did laugh. You did laugh. Don't say you didn't laugh. SHE'S AFRAID. I DIDN'T LAUGH. NO, YOU DID. SO SHE LAUGHS. God is BUSY WITH ARAM. WHY IS SHE LAUGHING? So somebody comes to HER AND SAYS, "WHY DID YOU LAUGH?" She says, "I didn't." Cuz she's afraid. And he's like, "You did laugh." Boom. Next. Okay. And then the baby's born a year later and the baby's named Laughter. From all the beautiful names in the world, you couldn't choose another name. But to really bring up a pretty pretty imagine you had this huge fight with your spouse and then a baby and it's about a baby and then the baby is born healthy beautiful baby and what do you choose to name the baby that issue which divided you isn't that like a little weird like there's a lot of beautiful names but to name a baby laughter is a funny name right it's almost like naming a baby joke what's the name of the baby joke so when he comes into the therapy ist therapist says, "What's your name?" A joke. The therapist says, "Is that a joke?" "No, that's my name." Oh, that's a good good recipe for self-confidence. An amazing recipe, right? So, of course, we all love the name Yitzk. I'm certainly biased about that, too. How [laughter] >> Okay, good. Huh. >> Resonate with resonated. >> Very good. And in fact, Yitzk's quality is known as Gavur and Yer, but his name was actually laughter. And the first Jewish boy who was born as a Jew is Yitzk. Ara wasn't born as a Jew. Sarah wasn't born as a Jewish. They later become Jews. But the first child to be born as a Jew is named laughter. Yitzk. That's the name which means to laugh. It's an very interesting name. Another very interesting thing is we have three patriarchs, three of us. Arav two of them get a name upgrade. Avam's initial name was Av. Hashem says we got to change it to Araham after his bris in the last week's portion. Sarai also gets an upgrade from Sarai to S. Yakov is born Yakov. He's named Yakov and he gets an upgrade to Yra. The only one whose name doesn't get an upgrade is Yitzk. That's not fair. Why doesn't he get an upgrade? His name remains throughout. >> Huh? So something in his name didn't have to change. This was like perfect name. You don't Abra needs an upgrade. Hashem says it's time to upgrade. Yakov needs an upgrade. You're not Yakov anymore. You're Israel. And this was a big moment when he met his adversary in the middle of the night and then he meets Asov, makes peace with Asov and he has a name change. Yitsuk never has a name change. Another interesting thing is Ara is born in he moves to then he moves toan is but then he leaves he goes into exile and he comes back and then he travels a lot Jacob of course goes into exile 20 years he's by love the only one who never he was born init and never left Israel was in fact when he wanted to leave once Hashem says later in paras told us do Not you're an you stay in Israel always. So Ara experiences exile. Jacob experiences exile. Always remains in his entire life 180 years. He never left the soil of Israel and his name doesn't have an upgrade. If this is not enough that the boy's name is Yitzk, it gets even more strange because you know who starts talking about the name Yitzk? Take a look in the next source. This is in the continuation of the para S had a baby and S says when Sah wants to describe what happened. She's like Hashem has brought laughter to me. [snorts] Everyone who hears this story is going to laugh together with me. That's her description of the story. Wow, there's a lot of laughter going on. It's interesting. Surah could say, "It's amazing how much joy Hashem has brought me. It's amazing how much serenity, tranquility, hope. I never thought I'll have a child." But the word she uses is from all the words, laughter. And then it's not enough. She said, "Whoever hears this story is also going to laugh." That's an interesting addition. Okay. Whoever hears this story will celebrate with me. I hope they'll enjoy it. They'll all laugh with me. And of course, this is a pun connected to her child's name. It's all about laughter. So here it's Sarah who goes back to the laughter. And the one who said in the beginning, I never laughed. She was afraid even though she did laugh. Now talks about Hashem bringing her laughter. He made laughter to me. And whoever hears this story is going to laugh laugh with me. It's here where you could say in English that the plot really thickens. When Sar hears that she's going to have a child, she laughs. Hashem gets upset over the fact that she was laughing. He tells Ara. Why did Sarah laugh? So he confronts Ara about her laughter. She denies it. And then Ara or Hashem say to her, "No, you did laugh." And then when the baby is born, they give him the name laughter. AND THEN SORAH SAYS, "OF COURSE I'M LAUGHING. HASHEM, AND EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING WITH ME. OF COURSE I'm laughing." What is the theme that's unfolding here? >> This parit Oh, you mean you mean? >> Yeah. Over there. It's intimacy. Yeah. >> Perhaps In order to appreciate this, we need to be able to go one step deeper into the energy of cynicism. What is cynicism really? Cynicism is something that is part of life. We become cynical. A lot of people are cynical. Cynicism really is a way of not building up your hopes so that they're not dashed. Disappointment is hard. Especially if you're sensitive, especially if you're loving, especially if your heart is open. It's hard to be let down again and again and again. Cynicism is an amazing skill. It's like I'm just cynical. So, you know, I know not to take anybody seriously, not to take anything seriously. It's like it's here and it's gone. It's here, it's gone. Okay, as long as it's here, I might enjoy it. But I can't really connect with something deeply when I'm cynical because cynicism, what does cynicism really say? Nothing is real. It's like, yeah, you could be here, you could run away. Like it's I I will not put my eggs in one basket, right? And how deep can a relationship be if I can't put all my eggs into this basket? That means half of my heart is in another basket or half of my heart is a basket case itself. That was good. And uh that way I'm safe. I'm safe. My strings are attached here and there and there and sometimes not attached at all, you know, and I could just move around in life emotionally where it's safe and comfortable. We all understand the need and why our coping mechanisms love cynicism. And sometimes people make a whole philosophy out of cynicism. They live with cynicism. They'll always tell you how corrupt everybody is. And sometimes they have a point, right? This one is this guy is mish, the most corrupt, especially somebody that you might respect. Boom. You cut them down. Why? Why is there a need? Even if the guy is not perfect, nobody's perfect. Why is there that need? The need is nobody's going to disappoint me ever again. [laughter] If I know everybody is corrupt, everybody has an agenda, everybody is narcissistic, everybody has selfish motives, everybody just playing a game. And I'm playing my game. You're playing your game. I'm playing my game. Yeah. You relate to this? >> I relate to a lot of things. >> Okay. Wow. >> Welcome from Queens. >> Good question. >> Good question. Where do people learn cynicism from? Very good question. It's a very deep question. sometimes a coping mechanism. >> Always a coping mechanism, >> a very skilled one, a very sophisticated coping mechanism because cynicism speaks with objectivity. It analyzes, it scrutinizes, it also claims to know the deeper story. You know, it's always the deeper story. So, there's a sophistication to it. It's like we're going to cut it open, you know, we're going to see the truth. So, it's it's it's it's a very sophisticated. There's a lot of people that live with it and it makes sense. It makes sense like we have to understand it. It's really it's really underlying it is a very deep fear. It's a tremendous fear. It's a fear. Usually sensitive souls become very cynical when they don't learn how to embrace their sensitivity and what to do with it. And underlying that sensitiv that that cynicism is usually a very soft heart that knows that if its mushiness comes out, life can be very dangerous because they tried when they were four years old and they made a decision never again. And therefore, they just navigate the world from a much more cynical perspective. And because our world does have a lot of dirt and filth, it has where to latch on to. How does it develop? I think certainly we can get it in our genes. Certainly we could see it from parents or caregivers. Certainly we could learn ourselves to develop it internally as a response. And like so many of these things you know nature and nurture combined becomes a major aspect. And there's also I think an ancestral heritage that could be part of that as well. Now to appreciate what's really happening here is this is really what's been going on. Because when somebody doesn't learn how to deal with their cynicism, they remain dead and empty their whole life. Because cynicism is sophisticated, but it's a killer. It keeps me disconnected from real energy. And that's why cynicism at its core is really an emotional death sentence because really what it says is I'm not connected. And there's no trust. There's no trust. Cynicism means there's no trust. When there's no trust, what is there left? What's left? When there's no trust. There's no trust. I'm just alone in the world in a very deep place. I may use people. I may please people. I may flatter people. I may learn relationships that will serve me in the moment. But real trust, which is not transactional. [snorts] Cynicism only works with transactional relationships. I'm cynical. You're cynical. Like a business deal. You put in this amount of money. I put in this amount of money. We'll split the profits. We'll have a contract that I'm fine with. That I'm fine with. It's very, very transactional. I know what I'm getting. You know what you're getting. I'm doing this because I need you. You're doing this because you need me. It makes sense. Transactional relationships make sense in a cynical world. But that's not trust. Trust means not transactional. It's the presence itself where the value of the other person and their relationship is unconditional. It's it's a deep deep connection. Not because of what I can get out of you or you can get out of me. And that begins internally within myself. That inner place of trust where you have that own internal regulation. And this is really what a relationship with Hashem means. Because you know when we talk about a mun faith, it's never as a substitute for regulation. It's the essence of regulation. Because real you know in many ways real amuna is an expression of the ultimate of the ultimate serenity. Cuz when a person has very very deep serenity and tranquility what does that really mean? That is what amuna looks like. It means that in the deepest deepest place you know that you're loved that you're really okay. There's like a center point where you can go into that's like a space of very deep safety. Like what we spoke about last week, sometimes I have to close my eyes to see the idea of ah I have to close my eyes to see. So this is a very very deep place where even if there is disappointment and of course there may be there is evil in the world and there's negativity and there's selfishness and there's people that are sick and all these types of problems and everybody in themselves has these problems. Nonetheless, my reference point, my compass, the place where I breathe from, the place where I live from is not a place of cynicism, which is detachment, but it's a place of internal internal regulation and trust. Of course, a person needs boundaries to be able to know if somebody is ready for that relationship and how much they could receive. So, that's very very important. But it doesn't take away from that person the inner relationship with their soul and with their god which allows them to feel held like an infant a toddler in a mom's arms where just feels the regulation of the mother so it could feel its own regulation and realize that just your presence is the gift the deepest gift is your presence and when you can really experience that the deepest gift is your presence so now you don't doubt that presence so now you could show up with that presence and you could feel somebody else's presence And their presence is a gift to you as your presence is a gift to them. And it's not transactional. It's like so after this meeting, what am I going to get out of it? What are you going to get out of it? How can I convince you? How can I persuade you? How can I that doesn't exist anymore? Sometimes you have transactional meetings. But here it's the relationship itself. That is that is that is exquisite is beautiful. >> Sarcasm. >> I'm sorry. What? >> Sarcasm. Sarcasm is a child of cynicism. Okay. So now sometimes this sarcasm I should just say as you know somebody with a good sense of humor sometimes likes to be a little sarcastic and it could be cute and funny. But when sarcasm becomes your philosophy of life you know everything is with sarcasm. That's really another major defense mechanism like you know just sarcasm about everybody and everything constantly. It's not just you know once in a while a person. Some people are sarcastic and it's you know funny you know they they they know how to like you know point out some interesting things that other people maybe gloss over. So that's that that could be educational enlightening but not when it becomes the the compass by which I live you know just a sarcastic person. It's also it's a form of a lack of lack of belief lack of faith lack of lack of connection and one cannot blame somebody who has this because the disappointments of life can bring people to this place and it makes a lot of sense. It makes sense because you know I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to get stabbed again in my chest if you're especially a sensitive person. So ah sarcasm. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. Sarcasm is like cynicism is more the aential emotion and sarcasm is often the way it plays itself out. >> Yeah. So now let's see an amazing commentary of the fas on parishes v on this story and how he sees the theme that unfolds here. So first I want to learn with you the next source. It's a piece of garum. You see it's your third source said repentance is great because it transforms willing sins into mistakes. I did something willingly that was hurtful and then when I repent it's seen as a mistake. I was absent- minded. You know, if I slam the door and somebody's hand is there and I hurt them and I say, "I'm sorry." They realize it was a mistake. It still kills, >> but they don't look at me as a villain who tried to hurt them. I didn't realize it was a bad mistake. I should have looked. But everybody understands the difference when somebody hurts me by mistake or somebody hurts me intentionally. So, says, "Thou changes that the sin is not considered a willing sin. It was a mistake. I didn't realize my consciousness was somewhat numb. I was out for lunch. I was out for dinner. I was exhausted. I was tired. I was depleted. I was empty. I didn't know who I am. I didn't know who you were. I gained a few. I gained some awareness. And I do. So, it's considered a mistake. Next line. That's not true. Said that is so great that the sins become mitzvah, not that they become mistakes. And for the gamar the last line not a question. There's two types of truva. There's truva out of awe out of fear. There's truva out of love. Truva out of awe. Your sins are considered as mistakes. Inadvertent mistakes become. They're like accidents. But if the person's tru is done out of love, now the sins are deemed as merits. They're retroactively defined as mitzvah. It's interesting. It was who said this because he is one of the greatest sages who became a baluva says in Mits that he was actually a gangster. He was a real gangster. He was like a robber, a thug and he was once in the Jordan River bathing and he jumped in and uh looked at him and he saw his strength and he told him such strength belongs to Tyra and then he told and such beauty belongs to women because beautiful says you think I'm beautiful wait till you meet my sister she's much more beautiful than me and if you get your life together I will try to convince my sister to marry you imagine and Rishlakish became his brother-in-law and became one of the greatest sages of the day and were the two great sages of the day in the editor of Shalami. So it's who understood a thing or two about chuva. And he makes this distinction. If I do chuva out of fear, out of awe, which is not a bad thing, it's an amazing thing. Then my sins, even if they were willing sins, they're all considered inadvertent. It's all it's all by accident. But if I do it out of a sins are not forgiven, they become mitzvah. Suddenly all your wrongdoings became mitzvah. Now that's a stretch. I could understand you hurt me. You repent. You're serious. You're honest. You're sincere. I forgive you. I realize you had a weak moment. It was like it was like a mistake. It was like you weren't thinking whatever it is. Or maybe you were. But you learned a lesson or two about life. People grow up. Every all of us, we see things differently. We realize what I did yesterday, what I did 10 years ago, it was stupid. It was ridiculous. It was absurd. I was just numb, lifeless, or whatever. depressed, exhausted or brainless or all of them together shine. Okay, it was my coping mechanism. But what does it mean that suddenly this sin becomes a mitzvah like you know let's not push it like [laughter] okay I understand like a person was absent minded I could forgive you you slam the door it was a mistake you apologize you're not going to do it again but what how does it become a mitzvah how does the pain how does the negativity become a mitzvah it's a very difficult thing to understand what does mean what's the logic it seems almost unfair you know they tell the story aboutich that there was once uh walking in the street and he always saw the goodness in everybody and as he was walking in the street he was always uh always he always had the need and desire to find merit in everybody's life anyway there was an infamous sinner in the streets so this sinner wanted a mock about. So what does he say? Anything nice to say about a sinner like me? Anything good you could say about a like me? This was like talk about cynicism. Classic cynicism, right? So other people if you're not so emotionally in tuned with your inner soul. You get very upset or you just, you know, curse him or you ignore him or you just tell everybody how corrupt he is and you move on. knew how to remain in his lane and he didn't allow other people's poison to poison him and uh I I'll I want to share a story with him but I want to finish this story because the story that's the second story will bring it together. I just don't want to forget the second story. Sov he wasn't affected by his cynicism. He understood what's behind it. So he looked at him and he said I'm jealous of you. that the guy didn't expect. You know, you thought he'll say, "Oh, you had an hard upbringing. You know, your father gave you too many fres, you were thrown out of yeshiva, whatever. You have a drinking problem, your whatever." You know, he could have blamed a lot. He said, "I'm jealous of you." So the man looks at him and says, "Why are you jealous of me? Why are you jealous of me? Cuz you really would like to sin, huh? And you can't cuz you're a bigger ruck. So you have to play the game. So that's why you're jealous of me." He says, "No, actually I'm not so interested in sinning." But the Gmorra says that if you do chuva out of love, all your sins become mitzvah. That means if you do chuva out of love, do you know how many mitzvah you're going to have? I will never have the amount of mitzvah like you. I never did so many sins. So I'm jealous of you. So the man, listen to this, looks at him and in his ultimate cynicism, he says, "Reba, come back a year, a year from now, you'll be more jealous. you'll be more jealous. Now, of course, what he meant to say is next year there'll be many more sins, so you'll have a lot more to be jealous. It looked like the conversation ended, but it didn't because the words of the bad pierced him. They sat with him. They taught him something about himself and ultimately he became a baluva. He changed his life. Those words affected him. remained completely regulated. He didn't get entangled in the other person's cynicism. He understood what it is. He was not naive, but he helped him see what's behind it and what is really behind it. And this is where he speak speaks about the chuva out of love transforming transforming things. You see what happens in life is, >> huh? I once read a u I don't know if it's a true story. It's a beautiful lesson. It was the legendary head of IBM. His name was Thomas Watson. On one [snorts] occasion, a senior manager in IBM, he made a serious business mistake and it cost the company $10 million. [snorts] Watson summoned this manager to the office and he walked in and almost with tears in his eyes, he says, "Mr. Watson, I guess you want my resignation and here you have my resignation because it was a horrible mistake, but I know that the loss I caused for the company is beyond and I feel so bad. So, I'm just resigning. You owe me nothing. I wish I could pay you back. I don't have that money. And uh and he's about to leave the office. And Thomas Watson looked at him and said, "What? I want your resignation? Are you crazy? We just spent $10 million on educating you. That's what he said to him. This was the brilliance of this man because he knew that this person was innocent. He knew that he made a mistake and he saw it as $10 million investing in his education. By keeping him in the company, he got the most loyal employee who was dedicated heart and soul and who became so indebted to the education he received. He clenched it because that's really the truth about life. My deepest mistakes are deep mistakes. But when they become catalysts for education, when they teach me who I am and who I'm not, what my role is and what my role is not, they teach me about my inner workings and my inner mission. So my greatest mistake can also become the deepest moment of my education. So it's not just that the mistake is forgiven or the mistake is overlooked or the mistake happened. Sometimes that mistake was your greatest moment in life. Literally that becomes your greatest moment because that's the moment of vulnerability that cracked the ego and made you fertile to a new consciousness to a new idea. If I would have not fallen, if everything would have worked out perfectly, I would have still been in my bubble. It's thank God somebody told me, somebody told me it was very painful but also very deep. I was talking to somebody a very deep deep person went through a lot of stuff in his life and he says you know what the greatest moment of my life was he says when three children in his family stopped talking to him I'm like what why is that that's so painful and he says yeah it's very very painful very very painful but till that moment I saw myself as the perfect father I was so good I was so exceptional I provided so Well, I was so smart. I gave such good advice. I guided my children so well. I'm such a success story and I really believed it cuz it looked that way. And then suddenly I was humbled so deeply and I had to rethink my entire life and I'm grateful cuz I am who I am today. He's a changed man because of that. So it's it's it's it's a very it's a very painful moment but it's sometimes also the most blessed moment in your life. >> Greatness comes from most greatness comes from incredible failure. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. Sometimes the deepest greatness comes from incredible failure. And it's not because the person is bad as a punishment. It's the very process. [snorts] And the reason for this is it's not just as an education. When the negative energy of anything is harnessed to fuel a positive reawakening, the positive reawakening has in it a depth that it would have never had without the negative energy. Whenever you take negative energy and you transform it as a harness into positive energy, the positive energy has a different luster, a different depth, a different like the says in says is an advantage to light over darkness. So the zy says yeah you don't need to tell you that light is better than darkness. So he explains the greatest light is the light that comes from the transformation of darkness. question. How did he find out? He figured it out. How did he find out? >> The children confronted him. >> They did. >> The children confronted him. >> And this is not a question of who's right. He's right. That mish not that question. But his point was the pain is very, very real pain. and he's a good man. But the the the the humility that it created, the ability to be able to crack the, you know, last vestigages of ego open and to really open yourself up to a whole deeper consciousness inside of you, which I may have never had the fortune of touching without these breakdowns, you know, and it's a very personal thing for many of us because some of us, you know, we strive, we have a certain models that we strive for. We want to get married. We want to build beautiful families. We want to have nakas from our children. We want blissful marriages. We want blissful children. We want a nice home. We want parnosa. We want spiritual nakas. We want health. Well, all these beautiful things. And may everybody have that. And sometimes people work really re really really hard for it. But in order to create that there's a lot a lot of shells that are created. Sometimes a lot of things get covered up. People are not really learning who they are because life is hard and it's easy to cover up things and sometimes it's a survival mechanism and then something in the family starts breaking down. You know, you know there's cracks in the ceiling and suddenly there's water that coming down and then you're challenged. You have to bring in and find out what's happening and then you realize whoa the pipes are about to burst. So the leak was actually the blessing even though it was not comfortable in the middle of your dining room shabas table and suddenly the leaks come in and meet the chicken soup. But that's you know physical leaks and then there's emotional leaks suddenly where marriages start crumbling. They're not so simple anymore or children that start manifesting behaviors and attitudes that are very very difficult. And we could look at it in two different ways. We could look at it I'm cursed. Hashem is punishing me. my life is destroyed and either we can go into cynicism or resent resentfulness but there's a much deeper place to go to and the much deeper place is actually can I really really now go to a much deeper place in myself and crack open things I never had to crack open and it's not easy because it's going to it's going to bring it's going to bring up pain [clears throat] but when I could make peace with that pain I'll also be able to find my bliss when I can accept everything that's happening inside of me. But it's a journey. It's a very, very deep journey. I had it in my own family with some of my children. I thought I was a very good father. [laughter] I'm not going to give a eulogy on myself at the moment. But in my thoughts, I was giving a eulogy. I thought I was very, very good. And then as some of my children started to grow up, they were manifesting things that were very, very bothersome to me. And you know sometimes it's very easy you know you go to a professional and they say oh no just give this child this give this child this. You know make the child normal and you're the perfect father. But after a while I realize that's fake news. It's very easy to do that. Let him go to a professional. Let her go to a professional and the professionals will straighten them out. But everybody the parents you are the egoic perfect models of sanity and normaly and love in this world. And it's very very hard to crack that. It's very hard especially if your life was built around that. And there's a lot of success there too. Like a lot of good things happening. Not it's not like evil sinister things. Sometimes it's very very subtle. And sometimes if your souls have higher namas and deeper souls, they want much more. They need much more. Right? I was uh Shabas I was saying so I was I went with one of my children on a trip once to Ukraine many years ago. So [snorts] I told my wife, I was telling my wife about the trip and I said, you know, it was good bonding time. It was very special bonding time. And this boy overheard it. And he walks by, he says, "No, it was not." Boom. Sh left the room. So my wise wife, Estie, tells me, you have to realize something. Your kids are very sensitive. So what for other children may be considered quality bonding time, for them it's not bonding time because for them bonding means something much, much deeper. And for that, you have to be present in a whole different way. It doesn't just mean going on a trip and having fun and spending a lot of money and eating cotton candy, which is nice, but that's not the bonding they're looking for. It was a very, very powerful insight. So, sometimes it's the fact that your child is so sensitive and is so deep that they're actually helping you upgrade your own sensitivity, your own spirituality. And in a way, it's such it's a big blessing. It comes with pain because it cracks open illusions and you really have to go to a place where the neighbors and relatives and and this one and this and this and this what says this one says this opinion that opinion becomes irrelevant. The only opinion that really matters is you know what does your child's soul need? What does God really want here? And that's the only real issue. But to graduate to that space takes a lot of inner work. The same is true with our marriages. Sometimes marriages are workable. But if the souls are deeper, they're actually banging. They're knocking on the door. You know, the wife or the husband saying, "Open up the door. OPEN UP. CRACK OPEN. Crack open." But with a facade, it was working like everything was working. You know, and some of us in our own parents or grandparents, we saw marriages that worked. Were they really blissful marriages? I don't know. But the system was you found somebody, she survived, he survived, he got married, that was enough. He was Jewish. She was Jewish. They wanted a kosher kitchen. What else do you need to know? I remember my grandmother. She was a sad. She was a sadist. She died 94 number of years ago. And I was once in her house and she says, "I wasn't yway. I was that was my real name." When I was born, they said, "Why? Why?" But my real name was I'm dealing with. So uh so she tells me it's time to get married. I said, "Okay, babe. I want to ask you a question. Are you a happy person?" My grandmother looked at me like I just fell off the planet called Mars. What type of like it wasn't even she said hakarik da vibe you know what hacking means like saying something so stupid you probably you don't have a woman in your life like WHAT ARE YOU ASKING SUCH STUPID questions it was so interesting have go find a girl and you'll have marriage and she gave me a bunch of blessings and my dear grandmother's blessings were fulfilled by But but so you know sometimes you look relationships there could be a lot of loyalty and for thousands of years the Jewish people had a lot of loyalty and that's why our families are here that's why we're intact that's why we can even talk about it right we're here to tell the story so even as we're complaining it's not really complaining even as we're examining we have to appreciate what it means to show up with loyalty and commitment and dedication which we call ms and yet right before the gula The relationships are called to be upgraded, which means that they're not just commitments externally and even internally, but it's also the heart becomes open. For the heart to open up, I need to be able to let it open up. And there's reasons the heart is closed. There's reasons that the heart closes. There's a reason for it. It's not our hearts don't become blah for no reason. The natural rhythm of a heart is not blowness. You know what blondes means, right? B L A Hen N E S S. Yes. >> I just made up a word. Okay. >> Literary advice. >> Okay. So, what's your literary advice? >> Blondest means when the heart is just like uh like duh, you know those days like numb, half dead. It's more like just surviving rather than living. It's we don't feel that passion. And that's normal. It's a very normal part of life because we have so many different parts in us and we have to make room for all of it. But the real thing that happens is when my very negative energy, my very mistakes become not only things that I could regret, but they become the fuel that fuel a new awareness. So they themselves are transformed into something that is unprecedentally unprecedentedly powerful. And that's what means when a person does cha out of love. What does that mean? What's the doing chuva out of awe and out of love? Doing chuva out of awe means there's a sense of fear of awe. This is the wrong thing and therefore I want to change it and it's a beautiful thing. But doing chuva out of love means something else. Doing chuva out of love means I experience my love for truth or my love for the other person, my love for my spouse, for my child, for a friend, for somebody else, my love for Hashem. And then what happens is all the negative experiences create such a deeper love because the fact that I was in an empty place only intensifies and magnifies the depth of the yearning and the search. It's like somebody who was in a desert. You know, you read down the stories of the hostages who were in tunnels in Gaza. You know, when they came home, I saw one of them. They asked, "What do you want to do?" And he said, "I just want to stand all day and stare at the heavens." Because for two years, I was in a tunnel. You know, I go out and I look at the heavens. It's nice, but I don't stand all day and stare at the heavens or stare at a sunrise or stare at a sunset. But two years in a t that's what I want to do. I want to stand and stare at the heavens. The truth is in a moment of clarity when you stare at the heavens or you stare at a tree or you stare at sunrise, it's very emotional. It's very emotional. You can start crying even when you look at a tree cuz everything speaks. There's energy in everything. It speaks, you know. So they asked one of the hostages, you know, what's your biggest thing that you're appreciating? He says my mother's food. You know, just to be able to have his mother's food. Like everybody has their mother's food, right? But no, when he's in a tunnel for two years, he doesn't have his mother's food. He didn't have food bakl. So just that bowl of soup that everybody takes for granted becomes something so much more significant. Somebody had a trouble breathing and now they could breathe. It's a whole different experience. We take in, we inhale, we exhale, big deal, right? [snorts] How how much do we focus and know really every breath is a miracle or the same is true people who suffered other illnesses and then when they recover how much they appreciate their body, you know, we say every morning. Why do we say all these things? It's like stop focus. You open your eyes. Does anybody know what what happens? what eyes do, right? There's like millions of optic nerves that have to work in perfect function. I mean, people don't even realize what an eye is. I could stretch. I could stand up. There's ground to walk on. There's nothing like the love and the connection that comes from the disconnect, from the thirst, from the yearning, from the void. It's the very void and the pain and the emptiness that actually doesn't only make me appreciate the blessing, but the blessing itself is so much deeper. It's so much more full. It's so much more real because all of the past experiences where I did fail now fuel and give me a love in a different way. So says when a person does cha out of love, it's coming from connection from a relationship. The fact that so many years I did so many things that undermine the love. All of them now retroactively become actually catalysts and springboards for this ava for this love. THE VERY MISTAKE becomes the springboard for the ava. And you could see it emotionally when you do this work. It's my dysfunction. And it's my my my mistakes, my psychological deficiencies, my errors internally, which seemed like the greatest curse of my life. But really really they can become converted and become catalysts for such deep love for such deep emotional connection and attachment. That's what is saying comes this fas and says now we'll appreciate the whole story of sorrow in a completely different light. There's really a theme developing here. [clears throat] So let's see this famus. You see it's the last source. [snorts] I once read a before I once read a cute story. There was a a chemist and he's been working for some time trying to develop a new bonding agent like a glue. He was trying to develop a new type of glue. After years of hardships, his work was complete. He tried it out and it didn't stick. Glue that doesn't stick doesn't really work, right? It's not glue. What's the use of glue that doesn't stick? [laughter] So, most people would have called this a colossal failure. Months, years, money, resources, but it didn't work. Time wasted, effort spent in vain. But this young chemist, I don't know what happened, but God gave him a thought and he decided he's going to look at it otherwise. And what happened? Instead of deciding that his work was a failure, he asked himself, "What if my work was a success? What if I have discovered a solution, not a failure? I discovered a solution. But now what's left is to find the problem. So that's what I have to find. I discovered a solution and now I have to find the problem. He refused to give up. And this guy kept asking himself, what is the use of an underachieving adhesive? What is the use of a glue that's not mamisha glue? It's like, you know, almost there. What's the use of it? And eventually he found it and it became an incredible commercial success. their title. They're very, very little and they stick, but not too hard. And that's how Post-it notes were invented. The Post-it notes, you want them to stick, but you don't really want them to stick. And it became an amazing success. So, he looked at it and instead of saying, "I was a failure," which he was, he decided to say, "No, this was a success. Now, we'll find the problem." And the same is true in life in so many so many areas. It's a failure. I did fail. I sinned. I made a mistake. I was out for lunch. I did this wrong. I did that wrong. I this. So, some people will just beat themselves up for the rest of their lives. Some people will just go into a bubble and deny everything and repress everything. Some people will go into cynicism. Some people will blame the world and some people will lose their sobriety and just become addicts. And then what Rish Luckish is suggesting is something else can happen. And that is when you crack through, when you crack yourself open in a very, very deep way and you see that deep down what you're really looking is for love, for connection, for real attachment. Every one of those failures and mistakes becomes such a lesson. It becomes such a beautiful springboard that teaches you humility and sensitivity and love and and closeness. And my very mistake becomes that electricity that harnesses such profound connection. And I could have never had it without that. That's why this is the sins become. So now let's see this is [clears throat] >> [snorts] >> S denies. She's afraid. You did lie. S is the wife of Aram. She's the first Jew. She's the matriarch of the Jewish people. She's the mother of every single Jew. What does it mean? Something happened and you're just denying. You say it didn't happen. Like, who are you lying to? And who you think nobody knows? Yeah, Sorrow was cynical and S immediately fixed her mistake with tru with repentance and real chuva erases the sin as though it never happened. It really never happened. Like we said, chuva erases the sin like it really never happened. Let's understand what that means. Some of us don't really believe that chuva is effective. So I'll ask forgiveness. You'll say I'm sorry. I don't believe you've forgiven me. And tomorrow I'm saying again I'm sorry. And again I'm sorry. And again I'm sorry. But chuva is real. Chuva means it's over. It's finished. It's gone. Controll altdelete. You wrote a paragraph. You deleted it. In the old days with a typewriter, YOU WHIT IT OUT. White out. It's finished. Gone. Said why right after of the night of we start off and then where do anybody sin between and they don't even have time for because they're starving. They run INTO WHAT'S LIKE A JOKE. A whole we finisher. You're forgiven, right? NO. WHAT? So he said the truth of is the sin is that people don't really believe that God has forgiven them. They don't really believe it. I don't forgive myself and I don't believe anybody can forgive me. It's like this inner sense of of of negativity which sounds religious but it's not. It actually comes from a deep deep sense of disconnection like that an internal negativity that this relationship is transactional that at the core it's not real. I'm not really loved at my core which is very normal. So even if you're forgiving me you were just nice. You were in a good mood today but really I never forgave myself. You know sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. It's so hard for people to forgive themselves. I don't mean externally internally. Externally yeah I forgave myself. I I said I'm sorry I did what I have to do but internally. So but Sarah believed in Chuva. So Sarah did Chuva. So he says it's like she never laughed. So when they asked Sarah, why do you laugh? She says Chuva means you're a new person. That person is not here anymore. I never laughed. It was a real thing. One second. But then the continuation of the story doesn't make sense. AND HE SAID, "NO, YOU DID LAUGH. NO, YOU DID LAUGH." So look what he says. What does it say? Go back to the first go back to the first source. The third the third line. What are the next words? Keyo. She said I didn't laugh cuz she was scared. She had fear. AND HE SAID NO YOU DID LAUGH. So says something brilliant. Go back here. SH was out of erases the sin. I NEVER LAUGHED. THAT PERSON WHO LAUGHED IS NOT HERE. That laughter is gone. It's deleted. You did laugh. Don't run away from your laughter. Now it's time to heal your cynicism. Not just run away from it. That's beautiful. Now it's time to go back to your laughter. Let's take it. Let's let's embrace it because this cynicism, this laughter is needed. We need it. Don't run away from it. Your cynicism was hiding something. We need the laughter. We're not going to have without your laughter. Don't run from your laughter. Come take it. S not only ran from her laughter, she transformed it. That became the son. Her son who she raised her his name was Yuk. So every time she looked at him, she remembered her laughter. But suddenly this was laughter that was converted into this child. Sav here was telling Sarah something very profound. Sorrow was operating on a level of yer hashem. Yeah. I had a moment of weakness. It's gone. I never laughed. I really never laughed. In other words, she did not recognize it in her anymore. There was no guilt. That's called change. I'm not that person. I'm not that person. I remember once it was many years ago I made a mistake and I hurt somebody and >> [snorts] >> uh I apologized a few times but I felt that their connection was just was not the same. It was difficult and I blamed I'm a sensitive guy if you realize so I blamed myself. I didn't mean it and maybe I wasn't sincere. And then one day I really looked into myself and I said, "You know what? I'm not helping this person by blaming myself because I'm not letting them take responsibility." And I remember I met with this person and I said, "I want to tell you something. I made a mistake. I did chuva. I know my mistake. I apologize to you. I apologize other person. And I and I'm not I don't even think I'm shy to make that mistake again. That's how careful I am. But I don't think you have ever forgiven me. I don't think you have ever forgiven me. >> [snorts] >> And the person looked at me and said, "Yeah, I did not." And then I realized there's two things. There's chuva and there's forgiveness. They're not the same. I could really be rep remorseful, but you may not forgive me. That's your choice. I can't blame myself then. I could feel bad. I could feel pain. And when I said that to that person, they like actually felt much better because because I was blaming myself for them not forgiving me, I was really resenting them. You understand? I was really resenting them. I was not helping them. I was resenting them. But then I said, you know what? I can actually not res I can it's hard for you to forgive. There's a lot of pain and I could be supportive of that. It was actually a much a much deeper place. So S understands you're not going to find this laughter in me. I'm done. I did not laugh. It's out of my system. She's right. erases the sin is says sorrow now we have to go to the next level I want you to go back to the laughter go back to the laughter to doubt Hashem cynicism sarcasm yeah because in real truva it all becomes a mitzvah that's what wants and that's the real idea if you think about it on right what do we do we go tashl what's tashla What's what does mean? Anybody knows the word? What do you throw away? >> Yeah. We say we throw away our sins into the water. Okay. So, we throw our sins into the water. That's there was a big mitzvah. Every morning of sukas they would go down to the shily spring and draw water and come back to the bd and pour the water on the misbeh and they danced the whole night for that. What? H why? Why? Why are you going to the water? Drawing the water, bringing it up to the misbehav. It's the hug of sukus. So what do you do on sukus? You go back to the water and you reclaim all the sins and you put them on the mak and you dance a whole night. Why are you dancing a whole night? Because there's no sim like the sim of transformation. What does it mean to reclaim my mistakes? This is not an arrogant moment. This is the humblest moment because I can only come to that space after I really repented. If I just say, "Oh, my sins were mitzvah." It doesn't work that way. First I have to appreciate the pain, the void. But then I could learn that under that there was something very, very holy that was there. If you take for example cynicism is a classic example because that's what really what we're talking about. What is it really? What is it really about? Is cynicism a classic sin? No. But it brings you to a place that no sin could bring you. Rabbar Kalina said depression and joy are not official mitzvah. But what depression does no sin can do. And what joy does no mitzvah can do. It undermines the foundations of love, connection, regulation, faith, vulnerability, and real attachment. Cynicism means I'm blocked, and I'm not going to let anybody in. I'm not even going to let my nishama in. Certainly, I'm not letting Hashem in. I'm not letting anybody in. I can't afford it. I'm going to live with my ego and I'm going to protect it. I'll make jokes. I'll eat some ruggal. I can even go to a shir. Maybe I'll even go to min. Whatever it is, I'll make it work in my community, in my family, my social life. But deep deep down, there's a sadness. Deep deep down there's a there's a depression. Deep deep down there's a uh I I'm afraid to be hurt. That's why people are very very cynical. Like we said before, I'm I live in a desperate world. I live in a fixed world. I live in a world with no miracles. I live in a world with no real change. And especially if you read the news all day. When you read the news all day, new people don't realize the psychology. I grew up in my father was I don't know if you know my father was a newspaper man for like seven 50 years. He worked for he worked for newspaper algameal. Some of your fathers were crazy about that newspaper. And uh so I I grew up in the my my grandfather used to joke. He was he liked to make jokes and he didn't like my father's job so much. So he says my mother's father told tell my father it's my brother. He said you know everything that says in a newspaper is a lie. He's telling my father who ran a newspaper. Everything he says yeah even the date it was printed yesterday. [laughter] People don't realize the psychology that goes into websites that goes into newspapers. Right? The main thing is like my father used to tell us dog bites man is not a study Russian accent. Man bites dog. That's a study. So don't give me another story of dog bites man. I need a story of man bites dog. The bigger the corruption, the more the slander, the more the craziness, the more readers, the more clicks, the more ads. I'm not blaming anybody. That's how I I mean >> every >> Yeah. Yeah. We got it. We got it. We got it. But the point is it's important that people don't realize how their psychology gets informed, right? They go to websites every few minutes, they see another disaster and there's always a disaster somewhere. When you live in the you heard about one disaster once in 10 years that came from the other side of the world today before the disaster is over, right? Everybody already has pictures of it. So it is what it is. It's also part of the plan. But the person needs to understand, of course, it just feeds into my my cynicism, my sarcasm. I'm not living in that inner place of connection. But now what happens when Sora is cynical? This is not just Tati cynicism. This is mommy cynicism. That's feminine energy. Feminine energy becoming cynical. The Jewish mother is is the core of the family. The caris habias, right? It's the soul of the family, the soul of the house. We all know when mom is in a good mood, [laughter] it affects the house very dramatically. It helps also if dad is in a good mood. The energy of of the feminine energy in the house is really the the underlying divine energy of the house. It's very very deep. It's very deep. It's like the soul. It's the soul of you know it's the soul of the Jewish people. Sor is not only the mama bear, you know, who protects her her I saw a mother with a a shirt, mama bear who protects her cubs and will fight for her children as she does fork. But it's also represents that inner regulated soulfulness and amuna that she projects with her very presence and nurturing love where your your presence is the greatest gift in the world. And that means I'm in flow. I'm in rhythm. I'm openhearted. It means I feel pain, but I can also feel love. I feel pain, but I could feel joy. I feel the challenges of life, but I can also feel the bliss of a real relationship, of an authentic connection, of an emotional encounter with my nishama, with Hashem, with another person that I cherish. It's the heart is open. But Sarah has been through a lot. She's been through a lot in her life. And now she's not getting younger. And she hears these three people saying, YOU KNOW, NEXT YEAR YOU'RE HAVING A CHILD. And there's a moment where we freeze. We freeze up where we're not present to miracles and shifts and changes and transformations and healing and growth. It's like we freeze up. Leave me alone. Like just leave me alone. You know, I have enough disappointments in my life. WE ALL HAVE THAT. LEAVE ME ALONE. WHY DOES the Torah want us to understand this? because this is part of life. Part of life is I go into freeze. I go into cynicism. Yes, I need to do that or I feel I need to do that. But she confronts it. She does chuva and repentance obliterates the sin. So she says, "I never laughed. You're not going to find it in me anymore. It's out of my system. I know it's out of my system. I'm a changed person. That's what truva is." She was afraid. True comes and says great but now it's time to elevate. Now it's time to go to the net. You did now it's time for you threw it out into the water. Now let's go back to the water. You are capable of much more in life. Not to obliterate your past mistakes but to transform them. You represent the path of love. So your cynicism when it's transformed will become your greatest ally. It will become your greatest power. Because here is the real secret. Those of us who suffer from cynicism, it's because deep down our souls have crave craving so much love. And when we not meet that frequency of love, the best thing we can do is just close down. Some of you are thinking of your husbands who seem stonehearted, right? Some of your husbands I know well and beneath and you know it better than me. Beneath that stone there is such a mushiness shama that is so full of love but protects itself constantly. We call it trauma in English. It's trauma. It's a lot of trauma. If I open up that it's opening up a can of worms. I made it when I was four years old. You know, a child who is like the a pillar of love and needed that level of bonding and relation and didn't get it. The child doesn't say, "My mother is disregulated. My father is out for lunch." A four-year-old doesn't know how to say that. A 2-year-old doesn't know how to say that. So, what does a 2-year-old say? I don't deserve it. Or, "I'm too needy. I'm too needy. I have too many needs. I'm too connected. I'm too attached. I'm weird. I'm the weird boy in the family. Why can't I give nahas to everybody?" And then this boy, you know what they do? Or this girl, you know what they do? Boom. You shut down. I don't have these needs anymore. Okay, now mommy has tolerance for me. Now Tati likes me. I excel in school. I become a nas machine. Only one problem. The heart is dead. But it's not really dead. It's really hiding a secret secret that I never managed to expose. And that's what a is telling S. Let's go much much deeper. That cynicism came from something. It came because you you're trying to protect yourself. And you know what you're protecting? You're protecting the mother of the Jewish people. And by protecting it, you're not giving the gift that you are to yourself and to the world. Sorry, you're going to become a mother. But if you're going to become a mother with this cynicism, it's going to almost force you into this relationship. It's going to deny from and from all of us the gift forever. What you're protecting with your cynicism is the soul of the mother of the Jewish people. We understand why you're protecting it. You need to protect it. You don't want him to get hurt. YOU DON'T WANT ANOTHER STAB THERE. I understand. That's why we build walls. I don't want anybody to stab the mother of the Jewish people. SHE WAS HIDING A TREASURE. And Ara says, "Go there cuz you have trust now. You have trust. I'm with you. Hashem is with you. You're with you. You did laugh. Of course you laughed. Of course you laughed. But look what that laughter was really about. And that's the end of the story. or we thought it's the end of the story, but suddenly when the boy is born, it's all about laughter. AND SO, GOD MADE ME LAUGH. NOW, my laughter is uninhibited. Now, my laughter is endless. You know why? It's using all the cynicism to fuel the laughter, to fuel the joy. IT'S THE HEART THAT'S OPENING THAT uses all the closing, all the fear, all the terror, all the panic, all the inaction, all the parallel paralysis to open itself up. Sometimes when there's loss in a family or grief in a family or other crisis in a family, this is a very normal reaction, right? Or very sensitive kids. A lot of people do this. And the great message here is don't run from it. Do not run from it. This is like the key to your safe. Like there's a safe, but the key wasn't thrown away. The key is hidden. You think the key was thrown away. We think we threw away the key, but you can't really throw away the key. It's your soul. But if you can bring back the key and open it, ah, now you won't be denying that gift anymore. How true is it? I know I'm a man here, so maybe the next words I have to say with more sensitivity. But how true is it also in our generation? Feminine energy is very very deep. It's also very very sensitive. It requires a very deep level of attachment and connection and it wants that and cynicism kills it. And very often in our own self-doubt and helplessness and internal guilt and shame, we choose the path of closing down rather than opening ourselves up. We don't only deny our gift to ourselves. It's what Abra told Sarah. What you're hiding is the mother of the Jewish people is being locked up. You're not going to be giving your gift to the people, to the world, to your son. Yes. So, and to yourself. Gav was saying appreciate the holiness, the preciousness, the love that's wanting to flow from your heart uninhibitedly. DON'T PUT A STOP on that. Go back to the water, bring it up, and then we can dance a WHOLE NIGHT BECAUSE YITZK IS LAUGHTER and dance. And that's why his name doesn't go through a change. His name can go through a change. Aram name gets an upgrade. Yakov name gets an upgrade. But the idea of of of of of the ability to laugh, the ability to be able to transform the negativity into positivity, the ability to be able to feel the trust and the regulation and therefore appreciate our inner inner core with ease of mind which is a deep aid, but it's the path towards real wholeness. That's what represents. And he never goes into gulos because that quality doesn't go into exile. That quality cannot be exiled. Yitzka comes from a place where there's no exile. That's the quality that does not go into gullus because it's that inner joy, that inner conviction, that inner knowing of safety and regulation at the core of your existence. So now of course the name of the new boy is so now let's see the last line here of this is this was a necessary preparation before was born. Why? who comes to your question represents intensity was a very introspective person was more extroverted was introverted a was sor was gurifa was and was gura so the couples balanced out each other that's why a's ava initiated in sor a change because sor was yera kvura and a was ava So from brought it to a next generation was the opposite. Rifka was full of generosity like in the story with the water giving the water again pouring the water to Elazar and was very very intense person. He was hashem the calls him. There was an on him and what does it mean there was an on him? Not that he was a scary man. He loved as he got very along with as if was such a tough man. He knew who Asov was. What when you say yeitskit's intensity it means it was intensity for for truth. Yitzuk was extremely extremely um meticulous and precise. He worked on himself and he went deeper like he would dig the wells. He went deeper and deeper and deeper you know through all the dirt until he found the water. That was Yitzk's main occupation digging wells. It's the avoid of going deeper and deeper and deeper like he was not satisfied with the external. He was extremely extremely intense on himself scrutinizing. So this says like this is an amazing avoid but it's very hard to sustain. It's very hard to endure because you can get very very hard on yourself and life must have the balance and the presence and the joy. That's why his name had to be laughter and that's why the whole story happens before his birth because the ability for there to be a is the concept of true v transformation. If you don't have that, it becomes so intense and the person could go into the opposite extreme where I am so meticulous and I am so precise and I'm so focused I can become obsessed and that's very very very difficult to sustain. It becomes also a curse. It becomes so negative. So therefore before Yitizuk is born we have to learn about this path of healing and transformation. A mistake a sin is not the end of the story. It's the beginning of a story. It's the beginning of transformation and his name itself has to be the idea of laughter which represents that ability to be able to laugh to be able to enjoy to be able to celebrate where cynicism really becomes an opening door for tremendous tremendous laughter. Laughter is the opposite of cynicism. Right? Cynicism looks like laughter but it's not real laughter. It's like real depression. Real laughter means celebration, uninhibited celebration. is the ability to laugh with full presence, with a full heart, with a loving heart. It's the opposite of cynicism. And yet that becomes the same word because that was really behind it. Behind that once Sorah cracked that open, what came out was so much laughter, so much uninhibited laughter. And in everybody's life, that's also what happens when we have the courage to be able not just to repent for things and to fix things and to run from things, which is sometimes a very very important step, but then also to really open ourselves up to what's really happening inside and then allow ourselves transformation. So now we don't only throw away our sins into the water, but we come back and we reclaim them. We say it's the greatest because it's the of the regulation and the oneness that comes from all the disassociation from all the pain. When it comes together to that moment of harmony, it breaks out in infinite joy and laughter. Have a beautiful week. Rejoice.