Parshas Noach: The Snake, Eve, & the Tree - When Self-Consciousness Was Invented

the yeshiva.net [Music] welcome everybody to a new semester of learning and may all of you and all of us be blessed with a gun witer with a healthy winter full of abundance and blessings and a good to you and all of your loved ones but may truly be a year of Victory and a year of redemption and only for everybody only good news and happy news in a revealed way okay we have one source sheet today so please take it and we always post the source sheets on the yeshiva.net where the classes are so if anybody wants to reference it on the computer afterwards it's there we're going to explore today one of the stories in par at the surface it's a little hard it's pretty difficult to understand how we contextualize the story what is the meaning of it what is the reason for it what exactly were the ramifications of it but as we study it on a deeper level as always with t there's so many layers of significance and profundity a world opens up both of the past the present and the future and this is a story of getting drunk the tah does not give a reason what caused it what happened what went wrong what was the reason for it it catches Us by an unexpected surprise the theme of is how is a that's how the the portion begins the opening verse of is that was a good person he was a an innocent person he was a whole person he was aad he was a righteous person he walked with Hashem in a time when the world was absolutely corrupt and morally degenerated to the point that he's the one who rescues civilization from a devastating flood through the Tava through the ark now no is 600 years old when the flood happens and he emerges from the flood he's told he emerges from the ark he emerges from the T and begins to rebuild humanity and the world after this devastating flood Noak would live another 350 years the Torah says that noak's age was 950 years and only then did he die that means After the flood he still had 350 years from 600 or 601 a year later almost 350 years 349 years that's a lot of time what did he do for those 350 years I don't know I'm sure he did a lot of interesting and good things from all the 350 years there's one story that we know only one that's it the T chooses to share one story of this man over three and a half centuries not to say there's no other stories I'm sure a lot of events were going on a lot of things happen but we only know of one thing and that is that he decided to drink that's the story the Torah gives only two verses which is not unusual in the Torah that a story comes in one or two verses and you got to figure out the rest so we have here the story it's in your First Source sheet this is uh that's barus chapter 9 Genesis chapter 9 the first line the Torah says V is an interesting word does it mean he began does it mean he desecrated himself as Rashi says but the T says the man of the earth did something what did he do he planted a Vineyard aam is a Vineyard next scene is he drinks from the wine and he becomes drunk he's intoxicated he's inebriated H and he becomes comes the word guil which means exposed revealed without clothes he's exposed he's revealed in his tent where he is and then the tah goes on to describe the reactions of his three children goes and shares it with his brothers and shame and yeas take a cloak and they cover n n then wakes up and he speaks very harshly to the son who disclosed what happened and went to his brothers and told them about it Etc He blesses shame andas and then the T says and he lived till 950 lived another 350 years and he died the fact that from all the stories after this devastating flood this is the only Story the T describes must be that there's something very uh essential important vital about the story and it also seems to be let's call it anticlimactic to put it mildly I mean it's interesting begins as the savior of humanity he's described right away is he's the good guy he's the one good man because of him the world is rescued that's the beginning of the par and it continues and continues and he builds an ark and he takes in all the animals and he takes in his family and he's there and he follows in instructions and then he finally comes out of it and what's the one thing he do he's drunk like okay that's the end of the story boom how do we understand this what is this about what happened some might suggest and it's been suggested that no was suffering today they have a word for it it's called PTSD PTSD is post-traumatic stress disorder it's a it's a phrase that was coined I believe only in the 1970s or the 1980s as a result of all of the therapy that was being done with those who came back from Vietnam and they had no way to describe their symptoms but with this PTSD but just because the phrase was coined in our generation it doesn't mean that the reality wasn't there just has different words or no words for it so someone to say you know think what n went through the med says that n saw three words he saw the world pre the flood he saw the world during the flood and he saw the World After the flood it's not easy it's overwhelming it's stressful had to adjust to a whole new reality maybe this was a response people do drink they want to run away they want to uh silence or numb their pain maybe nah had what we call today survivors guilt he was the only one to survive him and his children and they their wives and his wife but that's it especially the zah says that uh no got upset with Hashem and he said how do you do such a thing and he said oh you woke up now where Were You Before the Flood why didn't you do something why didn't you pray but even on this literal level where they didn't where you don't see in this conversation may have felt terrible terrible guilt especially if he was a good and sensitive person why did I survive and it was very hard for him to adjust back to normal life so to speak getting drunk is one way of escaping I once heard from Dr tski Rabbi tski the famous psychiatrist from Pittsburgh and he once said something else he said used to drink before too but he didn't realize that the world changed and what would not destroy his brain Before the Flood now did destroy his brain cuz nature changed so he used to drink the same the same uh alcoholic beverages before he didn't realize everything changed and what worked in the Old Country Before the Flood would not work anymore and now with the same amount of alcohol the results were devastating these are all obviously interesting and different explanations but they still don't seem to capture the essence of the story and why it's the only story after the flood the Zar which is the foundational work of cabala Z means light the book of light starts revealing a whole deeper secret into this and says it's the only story after the flood because it's the one important story of Noah after the mble all n was taking about for 350 years is where did we go wrong and for this he had to go back to one story that he knew about because it was still fresh in memory and he heard it from his mentors who heard it all the way back from the original people and the truth is there wasn't a big gap of time in between and that's the original downfall of AD Anda so if we take a look in the next Source it we have a hint in the talmud and then an explicit commentary in the Z so the gor says this is Sanhedrin the third Source sanedrin why didn't you learn from Adam it was wine that caused the issue as the opinion of the tree of knowledge that and ate from in the beginning of creation what type of tree was it the T doesn't say in mainstream Society they always say it was an apple but there's no doesn't say that in it was an Apple so it's it's of course there's an argument about it some say it was an estri some say it was a stalk of wheat some say it was a fig R mayor says it was geffin it was a vine andal say that took one of the grapes she took a a cluster of grapes and she squeezed she squeezed out wine she drank Adam drank so God is telling you're doing the same thing didn't you learn what happened with Adam what happened when they drank that's what does that's what the gamar says but what does this mean why did he drink wine just because Adam drank wine why was he supposed to learn from that so if you take a look in the second to the last Source this is this comes from said it's written in Aramaic but it's a I took a Hebrew translation so it'll be a little easier to read The Secret of wisdom is in this verse which verse that drank what so what's the secret here went back to scrutinize is to to search like he went to scrutinize the sin that went to scrutinize not because wanted to repeat it he didn't want to connect it he wanted to heal the world wanted what we call we say he wanted to fix the world he saw the broken world he saw it but he didn't succeed he squeezed grapes in that Vineyard he wanted to go back to Adam's Vineyard once he drank he became drunk he became exposed he didn't have the power to endure so suddenly the Z tells us that there's two stories that are very deeply connected eating from the Tree of knowledge which was a Vine is now repeated by once again revisits that tree why not to make the same mistake to fix the mistake because sometimes you have to go back to the original issue in order to be able to repair it says he's drunk what does all of this mean though I mean it's interesting it's an interesting connection certainly but what does it mean what's the mean how we supposed to understand it if we go to the story of the tree how does the tah describe the first tree in pasas Bas last week's portion so you take a look in your fourth Source this is barus chapter 3 Genesis chapter 3 we all know the story The Snake the snake is arum the T calls the snake arum arum in Hebrew means without clothes also arum means clever Sly and the snake comes to K and approaches her and starts talking to her does God say that you can't eat any fruits she says no we can eat all the fruits we just can't eat these fruits from this tree and the says oh you know he knows that the moment you eat you're going to become like God you're going to know good and evil so the T now says that was very tempted the woman saw that this tree is really good to eat what you would call in Yiddish it's gak it's good to eat she looks at it and she's like wow this is good it's not just good to eat it was so compelling to the eyes just looking at it was amazing Sava of course means something that's desirable it's a craving laying n into the eyes just the beholding it was amazing but it's also Pleasant for understanding this will give perception this will give skill a skill from the word it's it's it's so powerful for so we have three things that sees first of all she sees it's delicious it's good to eat she didn't eat it yet but it just looks good you know when something looks good the second thing is it's so compelling to the eyes she's attracted to it and the third thing is she knows that it's from the word it's desirable to understand so she takes from the fruit and she eats it then she shares it with her husband he eats too what's the first thing that happens both of their eyes open up it doesn't mean literally they weren't blind before they could see but it means their eyes see something new and what's the first thing they realize the first thing they know they themselves are without clothes they were naked so they write away weave they s for themselves Ali is leaves of a fig tree and they create belts kagura is like a belt a little covering that they place on themselves in order to avoid this situation of being without any garments what's the next thing they hear the voice the sound K is the sound the voice the sound of Hashem who's walking in this Garden the the direction of the Sun the direction of the day they decide to hide Adam and his wife go into hiding who are they hiding from they're hiding from Hashem elim inside among the Trees of the garden there's a good place to hide and they hide and of course calls out and he says to him one thing where are you that's the first question that is asked to humanity from the beginning of creation and from the few questions that asks in the whole tah and this is the first one a where are you and of course Adam says I was hiding because I don't look good I'm not dressed you don't show up to God this way and God say ah you must have eaten from the tree ah you're embarrassed for me you must have eaten from the tree now here kazal come and share what would be a very very strange comment I don't know if you when you uh girls were in school if they taught this exactly or they may be taught it a little differently I know last time I shared a story from tanak and people said I never heard the story like was this just made up in 2024 no it was not it's in the it's in the Bible thear say shabas this means when the snake had intimacy with he injected z z means um filth or or uncleanliness intoa Rashi is more explicit Rashi in paration says as follows the snake wasum again arum could mean no no clothes but also it means arum is like Sly shrewd clever arus it's like in called like very SL how does the story come in here so Rashi says it says that Adam and were without closer why did the snake jump on them what happened so Rashi says something difficult to understand he saw them without clothes and they were involved in their own connection and their own relationship physically in front of everybody and the had this craving to so what is he going to do how so she'll eat from the tree what's going to happen so Rashi explains later next later in this story God says to the snake you wanted to die he's going to eat the tree first that's what you were hoping says so you're going to marry if Adam can eat and die you will be open to marry Kava and you'll have your spouse now what does this mean it's a snake the question is better than the answer rabson [Laughter] no so kazala saying that there was something going on here with the snake in kava he actually injected something into her he wanted Adam to die so he can be with kava Rashi says this is what inspired the whole story what does all of this mean so the truth is as it's true with all these stories there's the outer shell of the story where we talk about facts in a very physical way but really this is just a shell a container of a deep um message about the human condition in other words all these terms and expressions eating from the tree and the snake talking to kava and the intimacy etc etc are all ways in which the T articulates through words and through code language very profound messages so that the physical stories are really they're containers it says in Z that the T has a goof and a there's a body and there's a soul and what does that mean a body and a soul how does a book have a body and a soul it's just like a body you know before there were x-rays all they had access to doctors was the outer layer of the body x-rays opened up a new world because suddenly you could see what's happening inside you could see the pus in our generation where they developed cat scans and MRIs these are all abilities to be able to see that which is beyond the surface microscopes Laser Technology all these amazing Technologies allow us to see what is inside which then gives us information on what is outside and it's really the way to do it because when you see the inside and then you appreciate the outside then you see the full picture the same is true in every aspect in life I could look at something from the outside and judge the book by its cover but it's always deeper and always more productive to be able to understand the inside the pus see the body from the prism of the Soul rather than not see what is inside the same is true in all of the stories of T I could see the outside story and maybe give some explanations and they're all interesting but then there's actually discovering the inner energy of the story The pus of the story and when you see that then the outer story falls into into that context rather than the other way around and that's why the Z says the T has two parts he calls it the body of T which is like the Corporal aspect of T the physical manifestation it's expressed both two stories it's expressed in law which is Concrete technical physical material practical pragmatic and then there's P which is the Inner Light the Inner Essence and they're never a contradiction it's just two layers it's like what you see in the X-ray is not going to contradict the outside on the contrary it makes one person that's why it say is like an it's contains of a these stories too these two stories that we're talking about have the Goof and have the so now we want to go into the of it the B Al has a course an amazing discourse where he explains this entire idea in thees and in the gamar and in the Z that we just learned but reveals the psych I would say the psychological or spiritual dimension in this entire story it's very very profound I have to say and I was thinking a lot about how to articulate it how to explain and how I I can understand it and relate to it so I don't think I'm going to be able to capture the totality of the message simply because of its profundity and I'm sure there's much more than what I'm going to say but I hope to be able with God's grace to be a conduit at least for some of the truths that are being conveyed here and how they relate to us I and I took a few lines from one of his discourses if you see the last source and I'm going to read it inside and then explain it you see right away here that we're taking the story to a completely different dimension turn these are his words and I'm I'm I'm going to translate there is the the main point of the kip of the shell of g means vanity or arrogance or separateness or uh thickness density that was created in the human nature as a result of the tree of knowledge of of good and bad what does this mean this means that the person actually sees themselves and becomes cognizant of a void of a I'm missing or sometimes I become cognizant of the fact that this is good for me this is not good for me this is good for me this I like the woman saw oh this is good this is good to eat this is great it's great to look at this is going to make me happy this going to make me content this is the root of the of the contamination or uh uncleanliness or I would say toxicity this is the root of toxicity that's the word it's the root it's the source for all Cravings including transgressions a why because a person is choosing something for what seems like it's going to be good for me or not good for me seems pretty good what's wrong before the sin they were arum they were naked like says who told you that you don't have clothes a you ate from the tree because they didn't feel that I have a void that I'm missing a or even that this is good for me so what yeah were the robots lifeless rather they were facilitating or channeling the revelation of divinity of godliness this will be enough for the person who understands I guess for the person who doesn't understand nothing will be enough for the person who understands this will be enough now he says it's will be enough but it's very very brief and very concise so as I said with God's grace I want to explain at least one aspect of it the way I understand it today maybe tomorrow I'll understand it differently I'm sure I will it's a very funny thing to give a Tre a name the tree of knowledge of Good and Evil because most people would say that's exactly what you want to teach your children right you want to teach your children to know good from bad you want to teach your children to be a mench what does it mean to be a mench what's a mench a mench knows what's good and what's not good what's to and what's RA what's appropriate what's inappropriate what is productive what is destructive what is moral what is immoral what will be the path that will help you in life what will be the path that will God forbid cause the opposite results so there's a tree of life that they could eat there's a tree of knowledge of Good and Evil the rambam asked this question what's wrong with knowing good and evil we hope that everybody knows good and evil in fact if somebody told you your neighbor nearby doesn't know the difference of Good and Evil it's like that's not a good idea we want people to know the difference so obviously there's something deeper here and the word is Das the key word is Das there's different words for understanding there's a word there's a word we say in the morning and there's there's there's these are all different words there's there's and then there's the word Das and here the word the key word is Das where's Das introduced in par Bas outside of the tree one more place it says you remember Adam knew and she became pregnant and she had a baby Cen and then a baby he now obviously this doesn't mean that Adam got a resume from a and he knew about K or he even did a Google research for her or in those days it was encyclopedia branica that comes from the times ofan but used to be a very prized commodity and he read up he read up on encyclopedia branica or in Wikipedia does not information means he connected to is intimacy is connection so even when we translate D says knowledge it's not Knowledge from without it's not objective knowledge it's intimate knowledge it's experiential knowledge it's knowledge that's inside of me means literally and became one and were physically and emotionally connected intertwined as as the says they become one flesh and as Rashi says because when a baby is born this baby is the embodiment of the seed and the Egg it's the embodiment of the father and the mother so they're literally one when you look at that child the child is and the child is Adam it's both like every child from a father and a mother that's how Rashi says what it means they become really one so this Das is isus its connection it's hisab its synthesis its integration so it's awareness that is not abstract or detached or removed or remote there was a famous Professor I think in Cambridge University he was a big philosopher his name was Bertrand Russell but he was also involved in a lot of scandals this was very famous in England and he wrote like a hundred books ethical stuff that were not so you know kosher so somebody want asked him Mr Russ Professor Russ how do you teach ethics and philosophy and how to live when everybody knows that your life is filled with scandals it's in old the newspapers you know what did he answer he says I also teach algebra and I teach trigonometry and I'm not a circle and I'm not a triangle and I'm not a square that was his answer in other words just because I'm teaching about circles does it mean I'm a circle just because I'm teach teaching about uh rectangular shapes I'm a rectangular just I'm not I'm not a cube and I'm not a circle and I'm teaching about it and his point was I can teach that which I am not that's his approach that means there's no Das there's there's no D there's no intimacy with it intimacy I mean intellectual intimacy knowledge intimacy experiential it's there it's information it's like my computer my computer you know Google has much more information than I'll ever have artificial intelligence knows more than all of us all of humanity put together and they know it in three seconds but Das is something else Das is the knowledge that I experience in my system in other words it permeates my heart my soul and my body my sematic experience it's visceral it translates into the nervous system it affects me in a very real way so is a particular experience with are experienced through Das not objectively but subjectively not as a reality that's distant from me and I could analyze it I could read about it I can read about a star I can read about a black hole I'm not a black hole I should hope I'm not a black hole I don't know if you read about black holes you can read black holes are fascinating to read about they're unbelievable stars all these things are incredible stuff to read about you know if you're interested in cosmology somebody teaches here cosmology no she's not here today okay we have here cosmology and astronomy teacher but uh but it's not personal I'm not visiting a black hole I don't have I don't I don't want to I mean it's interesting to visit but we're not going to be able to survive the pull of gravity is so much that no light gets escaped and that's why it's called a black hole because it has the light stays inside cuz the gravitational pull is is crazy doesn't even allow the light to come out so it's called a black hole because it has more light not because it has less light that were not anymore a subject they were D they were integrated experiential and here are saying something very profound the snake comes and puts something into injects something into and she's never the same person again why he wants to marry her he wants Adam to die and he wants to marry her what people don't realize is that that's exactly what happens meaning what happens is when Adam eats from that tree he also gets a part of this toxicity just like kava got it he gets it so now when he comes back to kava really part of the snake is now married to kava because he took in something from the snake so now when he reconnects with K after the story just like kava has the toxicity of the snake adosa has theity of the snake so he wants to marry kava he does marry kava the snake because there's a part of the snake that's inside of Adam and when Adam comes back to kav it's with a it's a different Adam it's not the same Adam who didn't eat from the tree it's Adam after he ate from the tree what's the first thing that happens they know that they're without clothes and they're shameful they're ashamed now here again it's interesting to think about this if your child tells you you know Mommy I don't have anything to win I don't want to come out of my room without clothes you wouldn't say oh stop it just come out without clothes you're actually proud of them good that's a very good idea let me bring you your clothes here we're almost lording the fact that they were without clothes they didn't know about it and when they get dressed it's like oh my God that's crazy so what what happens here I don't understand the fact that people get dressed we appreciate that don't we I mean uh if your teenage girl or boy will walk around the house Friday night without I'm not going to get very graphic here right you're not going to like it you're going to right away call for help something is wrong but here it's the opposite so something happens here the next thing that happens is they hide from God that's the next thing right away Hashem is walking in the garden and they both feel they're hiding and out of respect Adam says I can't face you like this so it's actually a nice thing I'm hiding I don't want anybody to see me it's it's disrespectful and then Hashem says You must have eaten from the tree oh oh oh oh no I'm reading the story I'm not saying anything I'm not saying anything I'm just reading the story says here that after this whole story when when Adam and put these belts of figs on them fig leaves the next thing is they hear Hashem walking in the garden and they both hide from hasem and Hashem says where are you so he says I heard your voice and I'm I got afraid because I'm naked so I went into hiding it's Adam's words so Hashem says who told you who told you that you don't have clothes and therefore you should be afraid did you eat from this tree and then Adam of course says me it's my wife's fault she's the one who instigated it so then he goes to the wife to the woman and says what happened she says it's the snake's fault and then God goes to the snake and says you're a real Troublemaker doesn't even ask him what caused you to do it because he knew what caused the snake to do it yeah yeah so the snake injected something and that injection is very very powerful it's so powerful that it's even hard to understand what life is without that injection the one who understood this better than anybody was n cuz he saw the ultimate you know the domino effect all the way at the end when everything got shut down so no decided he's going back to the problem and the problem was eating from that fruit he's going back there and he plants a vineard and he drinks and he for one purpose to heal everything and gets drunk I'll tell you for the discussion of what we're talking about it's not so relevant it's it's there is an argument and you have to understand how to reconcile if we say but the point is more the message that it's conveying just like eating the fruit here it's not really about a fruit it's about the energy the the energy that it contained yeah what it did to the person the fruit had some energy here excellent question I said they were embarrassed were they embarrassed or were they afraid so the quote in the Torah is that Adam and kav went into hiding they went into hiding it doesn't say why they went into hiding just said they went into hiding when they heard hashem's voice in the garden then Hashem says Where Are You AA that's when Adam says I heard your K I heard your your sound and I was afraid you could say I was afraid I was terrified I was petrified I was however you want to translate from the word why because I'm naked I went into hiding so those are his words so then hasem says who told you that you're a did you eat from this tree and then he says did it gave it to me gave me the tree H that's a good another good question why is hasem asking AA right that's what Rashi says where are you he didn't know where he is what's the point he didn't know where Adam was he was like looking for him right everything suddenly what and what what do other men have a think that means even to hide from God what's this God that you hide from who is this God what it's a hide and sea game like how do they perceive God that you can how can I hide from God if I go under the table I'll hide from God if I go into the refrigerator like where exactly do we hide from Hashem I mean it would be interesting to know how does that work in other words what's this Hashem that you can hide from him but that's what they said Adam said not and then andem plays along he's like where are you oh he also doesn't know and then he says well I had to hide because I'm not wearing clothes and hashm says oh you ate from the tree so this obviously this conversation is the first conversation afterwards the very conversation captures what happened yeah yeah very interesting when becomes inicated does he also go into hiding well he's trying to fix the hiding but he goes into a different type of hiding that's the challenge so let's try to decipher this at least somewhat what we're dealing here with is the birth of self-consciousness I'm going to go away a little bit from and our great Heroes of today and talk about ourselves cuz we're all their genes anyway so we we all embody all of this this is this is our story as much as it's their story and I know this can be explained on so many different levels much much higher much lower it's but it's it all has the same seed as we said the balatan says that the source of is what what does all of this mean in life part of the human condition is being aware of the self and analyzing that and scrutinizing it and sometimes much of the day in a very practical way we know this you know how busy is my mind how busy is your mind with what you call internal mental chatter describing who you are who you're not who you're supposed to be not necessarily negative could even be positive this feels good this doesn't feel good I'm excited I'm not excited I'm guilty no I'm right she's guilty no she's right I'm guilty sometimes heaven knows that within 3 minutes you can be dealing with hundreds of thoughts and they're all argu with each other right if if we would have an x-ray if if if if a computer today they're developing it it's called neurolinks Elon Musk your thoughts actually can get into a computer it's pretty interesting stuff for ALS patients it's it's a it's a crazy technology where they think something and it actually become it's on the computer it's amazing stuff CU till now they only had for the eyes but now it's actually with the thoughts because every thought creates an energy it's not like thoughts so it's it's it's called neurolink I think right neurol links I read about it he just started I think last May to to develop it with ALS patients every thought is extremely powerful you knowas are very real they're just internal people don't see it but if you know if if we if we look at our lives so much of it is the internal mental chatter of describing who I am and who I'm not and it's not even consciously it's not like I sit down and say and now I'm going to start think thinking about where I am in this world it's just constant there's like almost a there's a this this little you can Al imagine them as little people that sit in the brain and each one is like managing a whole system and they all have opinions constantly how many people do you have in your brain right sometimes it feels like a 100 sometimes 300 if you MZ you may have like 9,000 of them and there arguing with each other and they're all very passionate even if you don't have 900 you may only have three or four but their characters they're like wow and they always have what to say always have what to say and they always have they always H multiple personalities yeah yeah yeah yeah we don't have a mono brain we have so many different personalities so many different messages and and they never go to sleep it's not like you're tired you're exhausted it's 1:00 you 2 o00 you've been you work you go but they never asleep they always have what to say and when you fall asleep they continue it's called dreams all these interesting dreams they have crazy and the moment you wake up they have what to say like don't they ever go to sleep no no they are in charge of your survival they can't go to sleep 24/7 you could learn from them actually talking about motivation like they never stop sometimes it's just anxiety it's anxiety people who suffer from incessant anxiety know how crazily painful it is like can you just get out of my brain just get out of my brain let me be let me be stop telling me how to be why to be what not to be who to be is it good to be is it not good to be could you let me be Being Human Being not human becoming human being just being presence but presence is extremely vulnerable because presence is always in the present that's why it's called presence and it's a present [Laughter] and it's present to be present and it's a big present to be present but it's vulnerable cuz present means there's just presence there's just presence the B says that Hashem recreates the world every single moment what does that even mean that means that the only way to be alive is to be fully present in this moment cuz if I'm present in yesterday in in in the previous moment I'm not in touch with the hard beat of now it's like I'm breathing ear from yesterday it doesn't work that way you have to inhale now I can't inhale yesterday I'm inhaling now I'm exhaling now there's a breath that has to be sustained now imagine Hashem inhaling and exhaling the entire universe so if I'm not in touch with the presence I'm not in touch with the heartbeat of life I'm in touch with a previous heartbeat that's gone or a future heartbeat that is not here yet so it's always in the now but the now is also extremely vulnerable because I don't have control over it I can't predict I can't analyze it's it's pure openness that's why our system has a very very hard time with it and the different parts in me are going to be extremely Vigilant and that's the word hyper vigilance hyper hyper vigilance somebody walks into the room I must have an opinion why do I have to have an opinion I don't want to be surprised so I right away say I like what she looks like I don't like it this is weird this is not weird oh that's nice it's not even if I'm saying gracious I'm having an opinion even if the opinion is a nice one but it's the need to have an opinion it's the need to have a perspective I'm feeling good I'm not feeling good I like it I don't like I'm feeling threatened to be fully present is to be fully vulnerable to be fully fully open now let's see how it works physically if somebody says my pinky hurts or I just I know I feel my pinky I feel my pinky I feel my head I'm feeling my foot usually God forbid there's an infection there's a pain there's an ache I'm feeling my stomach you would think it's the other way around when you're feeling healthy you should feel your body but everybody knows what's the sign of Optimal Health that you don't feel your body it's like waight hat less when somebody works out very well and they're in very good shape they actually it's like a lightness like I don't feel it when I'm feeling my body it's usually I'm lethargic I'm heavy I'm exhausted I'm overweight I ate too much I'm overwhelmed I'm feeling everything I start feeling my arm there's an ache there's a pain when a person is with God's grace in perfect optimality actually don't feel themselves but one second no if you're healthy you should fail yourself if you're not healthy you shouldn't fail yourself doesn't work that way why the answer is like this what does it mean that a body is healthy a body is healthy means that this synthesis this perfect synchronization between the soul and the Goof between the life force and the body the more synchronization the more connection the more healthy the body is so a healthy body is a body that doesn't exist on its own it's a conduit for the Soul's energy when there's an interruption between the soul and the body God forbid now the body is independent it's struggling to be independent now is when I feel it all pain is basically the body is saying something is wrong why you're feeling the pinky finally you're aware of me awareness of my pinky means that the pinky is not the way the pinky should be when the pinky is the pinky it be they're not aware of it because it's just a channel for the life force of the Soul it's like a k it's a vehicle we have in the laws of shabas it's so interesting Howa and cabala andus match they really won there's an interesting law in chabas when you carry on chabas into a public domain so let's say you carry out a chen Bean a little Chen Bean you take out to a place there's no a into a public domain you know so you're not liable in the days even if you did something by mistake you have to being a carbon an offering but if it's the size of a chen Bean such a tiny little thing you're not you're not liable what happens if I don't like to hold Chen beans I take the Chen bean and I put it into a pot cuz I want to deliver to you a chen bean and I carry the whole chin pot into the public domain you would think you're liable right because the chin pot does have a nice size you know what the is you're not liable you know why because the whole pot you're taking out for what for the chellin Bean and the chellin bean doesn't have the shear so H logically we look at this pot as though it's just an extension of the Chen Bean and the chin Bean doesn't have a Shear so even though it's actually a big k but in it's not considered a measurement because the whole purpose of it is for the Chen be what does that mean spiritually when the body is just a container for the soul then the body is actually perfectly healthy and it doesn't have a Shear that's why it's so light you don't feel it you feel good the reason you feel good is because you don't feel it somebody once asked I remember somebody was a RI was on by the he said in filters in yish vilter we don't have it in English you translate it how are you feeling yourself so he looked at me he said right if you're feeling yourself it means you're not healthy it's interesting if I'm feeling myself how do you know you're healthy you actually don't feel anything that's why we take it for granted why when people are healthy do they take it for granted they shouldn't but we do because I don't feel anything when a per person is imperfect physical Health the body is just a k for the Nish it's just a conduit sickness or even exhaustion means there's a little bit of a disruption so suddenly the body is now asking it's vying for attention psychologically it's the same way what does it mean that a person is fully Alive it means that the animal soul is a conduit for the Divine Soul the body a healthy body is a body that's a conduit for the soul for the animal and a healthy animal soul is an animal Soul that's a conduit for the Divine soul and then who is a person a person is a facilitator you're a channel for the Divine energy that's flowing through you or through me at every single moment of creation and that experience of life is an experience in which the focus is not I am I good am I bad do you like me don't you like me you think the class is working out are the women going to come back next week are they bored are they not bored is this interesting is the point good is it not good oh I didn't prepare oh it's oh what's going on oh what why is she texting while I'm talking you think she's interested you think she's not interested what's going on what what is this oh this person is stressed oh my God whoa and that's that was just a split second of my class it's interesting that a writer my best writing comes out and I don't feel anything exactly that's the best writing I once asked I was once talking to a to a Pianist I think he played in Carnegie a very good pianist I asked him you know you're in middle of a concert how do you know you're doing well how do you know you could say well you know if there's a standing ovation but he didn't say that he says I know I'm doing well when I'm not present during the concert that's how I know I'm doing well if I'm sitting at the piano you think they like me you think it's coming oh it's coming out good even if it's good oh it's coming out good I'm so good I'm such a celebrity I think I'm going to be invited to the whole world everybody's going to love me wow I'm the next I don't know Michael Jordan of piano the next Joshua you already lost a plot why it's good I'm thinking about me I want to be successful what's wrong the answer is the music is not coming through me the music is infected by my need to protect myself which is very normal I need to protect myself I want to be invited he wants to be a celebrity he wants a paycheck he wants to be famous he worked very hard he worked 10,000 hours hours or 100,000 hours on the piano I understand it but what happens is the music is already different type of music now some people are aware of it some people are not aware it some more sensitive people can feel it less sensitive people may not be able to feel it in know for the external crowd he can get away with it but he knows the difference he said when I'm not there I said what happens he says my fingers are a channel for the music my entire body is a CH Chanel for the music essentially he was describing what is on a deeper level what doeses mean there's a flow of Holiness that comes through me I could share this with you in my work I know when I'm speaking or teaching what is the deepest moment if I'm not there if I'm not there what do you mean I'm not here I am here not here doesn't mean I'm physically not here it means that my entire identity Is AO it's a channel I told you once what the mag of M said it's an amazing incredible Insight Elisha was in a bad mood and they wanted him to prophesy so he said bring me a sing bring me a composer a musician what's when the started to be so the says when the when the managin became the niggan when the one who played the instrument or sang the music music became the niggan just like a violin a violin doesn't have an ego a violin is not self-conscious the violin doesn't come to the coner and say you think they like what I look like you think I'm dressed nicely you think they're the violin is a violin the violin is not self-conscious the violin is just a violin the person who plays the violin OMG it's like oh that was a mistake oh oh today I'm doing well oh wow that was a good Applause wow even if he gets the best Applause in the world the fact that that's where he's at is already toxicity we often think that mental chatter is bad when it's negative even positive mental chatter is taking me out of the experience it's looking for validation even if I get the best greatest Standing Ovation it means I'm in a place of Disconnect what is not a place of Disconnect a place of that is not disconnect says it's not that you you're less rich or you have less experience it's much more you're actually a flow of the infant infinite so it's not interrupted by the concern they like me they don't like me I like them I don't like them I'm afraid I'm not afraid how true is this in relationships now here it gets a little more complicated with concerts you know it's just a concert if your spouse tells you something or your child tells you something or a close friend says something my wife tells me something it can look like two things one is right away I'm in a defensive mode unconsciously not consciously it's not because anybody's trying to do something wrong but right away I'm analyzing I'm scrutinizing I write away why because I'm feeling how it's affecting me wow this doesn't feel good oh I wish you would have complimented me oh I worked so hard today can you say something nice to me oh oh but you're also having a hard day so now oh my God six minutes later I just went through nine thousand thoughts what's the common denominator I don't know I'm not fully present to the experience because I'm right away in a defensive mode I feel like either I'm under attack or I'm being complemented but the common denominator is self-consciousness I'm not in the flow of the Divine so when you told me something instead of actually hearing what you said and just being present there's no attack there's no compliment you don't need it how do I know that my class was horrible you know my lpus test you know how I know you may find it a little surprising if when I finish I'm waiting for feedback if I'm craving feedback in a deep place it means that there something was off why is feedback a bad thing no and I'm not going to sue you if you give me feedback especially if you give me positive feedback I will not take you to but internally what does it mean internally why am I looking for feedback why am I looking for feedback what just happened yeah it's about me there was a Jew you remember Rabbi mayor abaser he wrote a book called the possible man Rabbi mayor abaser he brought uh macrobiotics into uh into the Jewish world into the Jewish World macrobiotic my mother-in-law became a Bist tra through macrobiotic and that's why I look so healthy and and and I forgot to announce the I forgot to announce the dedications and now I said my mother-in-law so I remember I'm going to take a little break for three seconds today's class is dedicated by my dear mother-in-law ra and family in memory of her Dear Mother We called her nanny Naomi whose yard was on also dedicated by in memory of his dear brother thank you very very much so why did I say microbotics that's how I remember it that's how the brain goes but this time I was happy for the association I remember he once told me years ago maybe like 25 years ago I was talking to lecture and I was in yeram and he heard me lecture and he came over to me and he said as follows if he came he was a very interesting person of blessed memories so he comes over to me and he says if you finish a lecture and somebody comes over to you and says Rabbi why why I love you I love you you're amazing he says you should quit you should never open your mouth again you should go into hiding I was surprised isn't that what every speaker wants wow amazing you changed my so if somebody comes over to you and says wow I love my wife so much more ah now you were successful ah I love my children so much more I love God so much more I love myself so much more ah now you were successful F he was saying something very powerful and it's not something I can press a button and turn on or off because this is an internal defense mechanism what did the atadas tell a person the atadas told a person that you are not infinite the said you have to experience yourself in order to survive that makes a lot of sense in a world where you don't know that ano MV that you are Divine energy it's not like there's God and there's you preas it wasn't God God is God God wasn't God we the word God is a result ofad do we understand that in cabala they never use the word god they use the word infinite because what does God mean God means this yank this schm this zelig this Blum there Hill and there God okay he's bigger he's smarter he's stronger he's way up there he can do what I can do but it's he she me versus you I I lost a plot a healthy body it's not the body versus the soul no it's one the brain doesn't compete with the body it's like who's the brain to tell me what to do it's one suddenly says no no no no no what did the tell he was bril he didn't say God doesn't exist he says God doesn't want you to be like him he doesn't want competition right away there's a competition oh if there's a competition you're you it's you or me I'm a nice person you're a nice person but two people can't have the same job two people can't sit in the same seat I have to protect myself and even if we're going to become friends with God but I have to protect myself I have my rights you have your rights I mean that ego ego easing god out ego and it's very very deep what does it mean the had intimacy with what does that mean he wanted him to die so he could marry K he wanted that the intimacy should be affected by toxicity what's the toxicity that affects intimacy I can't really trust I can't really be present I can't really become one with another person intimacy is into me see into me see that's very vulnerable that takes a lot of trust into me see means everything is open other men don't have a problem walking around the way they walked around there was no self-consciousness we even see it with children your one your one-year-old may show up in the middle of the Friday night meal when you have 25 guests or you're 2-year-old and they look like Adam and kava before the tree of knowledge and people are like he's so cute come mommy we'll give you a diaper but if you're 14-year-old walks into the shabas table that way nobody says he's so cute what happened so we all understand the one-year-old is so innocent there's no self-consciousness here he just walked out of his crib or wherever it is walks in sheepishly to them and everybody's kissing him and hugging him nobody says you're going to ruin the sh in our family that comes later we have to wait a few years for that that innocence is the essential human being the essential human being is pure innocence the ramban says just like nobody's embarrassed to eat nobody's EMB embarrassed to show their pinky I'm not embarrassed to put Onan in public he says the whole body is really like a bikes so what does theas do theas starts a new conversation inside of me it wants to know how you doing Rabbi y why you think you're doing well you think they like you you think she likes me oh why can't you compliment me oh you CR oh you really meant to compliment me okay oh let me go to therapy the therapist will tell me you really meant to compliment me but that whole chat which doesn't end is always busy like monitoring literally like a pacemaker like a monitor you know how you they test your blood pressure 200 over 100 92 over you know how it is too high too low emotionally sometimes we're doing it all day my emotional blood pressure and I don't even know how to stop it's not like I'm nobody's choosing it we come into that world where I have to protect myself 247 how can I take off my clothes it's not just we're not talking even physical clothes how can anybody take off their clothes meaning take over their bulletproof vests what's going to happen you're going to punch me in my nose you'll punch me in my gut of course I have to be hypervigilant I need cameras everywhere our eyes have thousands and thousands of receptors when other when kav sees this tree and she says it's amazing it's beautiful it's kak it's compelling Al is teaching that was the issue it wasn't bad it was beautiful but what that's what she was looking for right you may tell me you may come over after the why you should know that you're changing my life isn't that a beautiful conversation yes but also it may be toxic not for the one who says it for the one who hears it where is that coming from and if it wasn't a beautiful class what happens now God stopped existing now I'm just a little schart to loser you see like blood pressure going up blood pressure going high depends on the feedback depends on the experience is my husband in a good mood is my wife in a good mood are my kids in a good mood I'm constantly this recipient with a void that needs to be filled and therefore I have to be vigilant and that's where all anxiety what's anxiety people judge their anxiety you can't judge your anxiety because your anxiety in a very crazy way is trying to protect you people who have social anxiety if you don't have social anxiety you won't know what I'm talking about if you do you know very well I'm talking about they come into a meal they come into a class and their brains are going crazy it's very very difficult situation it's very difficult and a part of them is can you get me out of my brain out of my brain out of my brain cut off my brain and that's the secret of all addiction what is all addiction you know people talk about addicts alcohol gambling but really everyone is an addict even you'll forgive me even every even those who areal healthy and functional we're all addicts in the sense from theas I'm trying to escape my self-consciousness I may do it through binging this one may do it through exercise this one does it through reading this one does it through movies this one does it through drinking this one does it through even good things but just get me out of myself get me out of myself sometimes we are so like the we are so clever and Sly we know how to orchestrate a whole life around us so that everything works as my wife says everything works until it doesn't it works and works and works and works until it plots us and everybody figures things out because we want to survive but and after that are not the same there other who are defensive there other who are analyzing themselves in every single moment they're not present what happens is the tells me that this is who I am I don't have any other else I don't even know about my other self then says this is a good tree this is a bad tree but it's always good bad good bad good bad you're good you're bad you're good you're bad I'm good I'm bad I'm bad today I'm good I had a good ding I'm good oh I had a bad ding I'm bad I woke up by my right side I woke up by my left side I'm always judging scrutinizing oh it was a good day it was a bad day God you experience an experience here now that's why breathing is very helpful get out of the brain yeah what about saress nice question good question how could you become a better person if you have no self-awareness it would be nice to remain a one-year-old and run around my house without anything I don't know if my kids will approve cuz I'm not one but what about self-awareness great great question so this is where n comes in so what does n do n was a deep person he saw the flood what's the flood the flood was just the domino effect at the end of what happens the moment it's me versus Hashem what does it mean me versus Hashem it could be even I have to do Chua I'm so guilty talk about guilt talk about shame talk about blame what's the first thing they realize we're naked it what does that mean oh my God oh my God look at me look at me I am I'm ugly I'm grotesque that's a good thing yeah get dressed so it's a good thing we want people to get dressed we call it sne we like that we appreciate it they realize that they need sne is that such a bad thing isn't that what Bak was trying to teach the girls but what happened how did they happen what was the desperation the desperation was for the first time they experienced the self outside of the Divine flow and now it could be good it could be bad and even if it's good it's good but it's not what it really is it's working wow I got what I needed kak but I'm still po I'm I'm I'm I was infected and how do I know I'm going to be an hour later I'm going to be depressed depressed because my happiness was coming from somebody validating my survival coping mechanism to justify my loneliness and my separation and say okay you're fine and that's why it's never ending when people distract themselves through all types of distractions I'm not even going to use the word addictions because we all distract ourselves at least I could talk about myself people will say addiction is the problem D toski once said addiction he said addiction is not the problem addiction is the solution they're doing addiction because that's the solution figure out what their problem is there's a deeper void that they're trying to escape it's easy to say the alcohol this that's the solution it's a crazy solution it's a stupid solution but it's a solution you want to know the problem the problem is much deeper and I'm trying to escape that just get me out of my brain I want to be at a party and have fun in America they say I want to chill out one of the most unrelaxed things in the world is to chill out I need vacation I need to chill out from that I once heard a husband tell his wife they were going she was going on vacation he said do me a favor promise me one thing don't try to relax you know the need to relax and chill out could be the most anxious thing in the world you know when people go on vacation are we relaxed yet did we start enjoying the vacation yet oh tomorrow we start right and it's like we pay we know we only pay 20,000 bucks for this vacation it's like I actually like my home more and the food is much better that you make in your kitchen but we're supposed to enjoy so like the pressure to chill out what does chilling out mean it's like just get I want to enjoy the party so this one does alcohol this one is on their phone this one maybe finds other things some sometimes people can even find religious or spiritual stuff but I may not be tuning into the real truth the real truth is the true frequency of Letting Go in a real way the frequency of surrender the frequency of being a channel and I can do it through judging myself because the judgment is part of the snake all the snake wants is judge judge judge judge judge so what's the next thing that happens they hear God's voice and what do they do they go into hiding why for good reason you said you're is Hashem I'm afraid of Hashem I'm naked aish the you don't go into a king this way and Hashem says where are you what what is he saying he's not asking geographically where are you he knew where they were he was asking a much deeper question the balat says AA means Where Are You For the First Time Adam and don't know where they are anymore because they don't know who they are because the moment I'm obsessed with where I am and who I am I don't know who I am Am anymore the very Obsession of figuring myself out means I am so not in touch with me a she wants to know what's the solution so decides let's drink no wasn't stupid no wasn't just an alcoholic no says if we could drink holy wine what happens when people drink what happens when people drink a lot why do people drink huh and then what happens people will say things that other times they would be so embarrassed they'll hug people they would never hug for the first time in history you hear them say I love you they could be vulnerable and if not they didn't drink enough give them more P we say what's get me out of the the gar says what's the source of H and what in the world is the connection of H to the eights we where did we come up with that the answer is that's get me out of H who invented that n so n comes and says let's drink we'll drink we'll get out of our self-consciousness you know what will happen we'll be divine conscious and divine Consciousness is not conscious it's not self-conscious it's divine Consciousness you're in the flow there's no ego death of ego death of ego that's what wanted to do that's what the Z says he wanted to fix Adam's mistake but what happens here's the key once Adam and K ate from the tree drinking won't do the job you know why you get sober you can go on a journey in which you experience death of ego there are gifts that God gave put into the world where people experience death of ego but tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up next week I'm going to wake up like we spoke about the kodal he goes into the holy of holies you got to go home the aash is inside what did drinking did was for a few hours it shut me down it took me out of that world it bypassed those parts of the brain okay so I'm not self-conscious I could tell you everything I could spill the beans but what no problem but what happens is comes back that's why becomes disgraced he also takes off his clothes he wants to go back to Adam and he gets it I don't want clo I don't want to coverups stop walking around with coverups what would it look like in a world where nobody walked around with coverups what would it look like what if what if everybody does it right huh yeah you like are you crazy like it's scary like what are you sugar maybe I should kill myself first right that's what it feels like and that's why death of ego sometimes feels like death you know people who have different experiences of death of ego they know they felt like either they're hitting insanity or they're going to die why because that's the last protection of theas the lastas I'm keeping you alive I'm keeping you normal you pass you overpass you bypass me either you die or you become a m you become a muga I'm the one who keeps D I keep you normal sober protected civilized diplomatic I'm the reason people like you I'm the reason you're a respected member in the M Community me yes the snake I'm smart I keep you normal when you walk into her room people say ah she's safe she's good she's Gish I'm the one I'm the one who presents you I'm your PR person get rid of that I'll just be some weird mugan if everybody says everything they want to say thinks everything is the right or not right says you know what I'm done I'm drunk you can all jump into the Hudson River and or under off the tapen bridge I'm done with all of this I get him people do it all the time and he exposes himself but he doesn't heal the world and here we come to the Crux of the issue once ad their life didn't only change forever in the negative it also changed forever in the positive because now they have a much deeper Mission they have to work through their self-consciousness rather than Escape it is this the beginning of hero in many ways yeah well like everything in life like everything in life you know the says he blamed Adam and but he wanted it to happen that's what it says in Med on the other hand it's called the greatest sin and it's both true what happens through theas is something that couldn't happen before which is why Hashem allowed it to happen something very powerful happens is the same gatria as Messiah 358 it's also the same words like the breastplate of the through which he saw the through which he had divine inspiration and the question is really M you couldn't get a different gatria the answer is that the world of gula is much deeper than the world before the tree you're not coming back to the world before the tree cuz if you're just coming back to the world before the tree meaning we all become one-year-old children who run around this whole sh without anything and nobody judges anybody cuz we're all cute which is cute so that's the Innocence and it's amazing and it's beautiful it's like childlike innocence and you can't replace childlike innocence the beauty the Innocence the Purity Purity the Angelic element but for this you didn't need the whole the whole descent which is it's only to go to a deeper Place ultimate Redemption is working through the self-consciousness I can't finish a class and say I'm not self-conscious anymore I mean I could say it but it's not real you're going to say something to me and it's going to trigger me either in the positive or in the negative that's what's going to happen my wife is going to say something it's going to trigger me either in the positive or that's what's going to happen you say but you don't exist I do exist ego is easing god out thank you Rabbi W for the brilliant line but the ego exists it's it's it's and drinking is not going to do the job and eating is not going to do the job and working harder is not going to do the job and escaping here and escaping there and watching people watch thousand thousands of films and movies and read books and run here run there if you need it for your Serenity I don't know you'll speak to the people you speak to but in life I always have to ask a question am I distracting myself or am I pursuing my truth it's always the question there's no in the middle if I'm eating a piece of steak if I'm eating a piece of Kala if I'm eating a salad if I'm eating a soup with your soup it's always clear what the intention is but whatever I'm doing either it's it says in Mish in all your ways you should know him what does know him mean back to the word know him doesn't only mean when I do it I should know hasem exist no have intimacy with him every experience in life is an experience for intimacy with myself with Hashem or not there's no in the middle I could be eating I could be exercising I could be taking a walk I could be on the phone I could be texting I could be in a doing in involved in a business I could be in a casual conversation either it's I'm having intimacy with god with or not it's interesting till the story of the snake the name for Hashem is Hashem after the story of the snake the name of isim when the snake speaks to takes out the name only elim Hashim is the infinite in the finite the takes away the name you'll see in the story only elim turns God into an entity and now we compete what's this idea that I'm ashamed from Hashem that I'm hiding from Hashem what does that mean what did they start feeling in a way it's a beautiful thing yeah you're embarrassed you're afraid you're Hashem but it really represented the experience of the fact that I am ashamed I am ashamed wow God can't look at me I can't look at God where does that come from complete disconnect in other words instead of saying you know I made a mistake and I'm going to fix it but I I'm not a mistake I didn't even make a mistake I am the flow of God the snake that injected its self-consciousness in me felt that it has to make this mistake to survive that's not what happens what happens is I am the snake that's what it means he wanted to marry kava he wanted to put away is comes from the word Adam is a mirror of the above that's Adam and Adam and were created as SII twins they're one and then they become separate so they could choose to be one but instead of being Adam connecting to it's the snake in Adam connecting to what does a marriage like a snake look like what's matter I I constantly need you to validate me you need me constantly to validate you it's always self-interest it's always what's in it for me oh my wife scored nine brownie points today so now I owe her nine brownie points even if it's good brownie points she's doing well he's doing well but they're in they're in a cycle of of self-consciousness you did this I did this you did this I did this the snake is inside of Adam that's what's connecting to which means he can't really connect he can't really open up he can't really be full present Unity is only in the Oneness with the Divine you with me so now to heal all of this to heal all this it's a different a I can't say I don't have this part I do have this part and here is the uniqueness what happens after theas after theas I'm constantly choosing which part to live in there's a snake inside of me and you know what the good news is the good news is acknowledge it embrace it because that's my that's my it's not a mistake I have a snake inside of me and every day I make a choice am I going to have intimacy through the snake inside of me or am I going to have intimacy through the Adam inside of me intimacy with myself intimacy with Hashem Intimacy in any form spiritual Etc physical between a husband and a wife but all these forms of relationships what's going to be governing it will it be the Nash inside of me and even if I'm doing well and I'm getting all the validation and ego that's needed I know it's just the temptation of the snake feel yourself feel yourself if you feel yourself so you know people have an ambition they want to be world famous they want everybody in the world to know them well how's that going to help them you'll have not nine 900 likes you'll have nine there's no nine billion people you have seven billion likes what's going to happen what's going to happen is my insecurity will feel good for 10 [Laughter] minutes somebody once told me a friend of mine a very deep person he said to me these words he said as great as your ego is going to make you even if you become the most powerful greatest person with the most power and influence in the world and your ego will do it and do it successfully it won't even scratch the surface of your true greatness it won't even scratch the surface of your true greatness so a person says what's greatness I'm not going to talk in masculine terms right this person wants to open the world TR all the power money influence recognition validation in the world I know for most of you this doesn't really it's not very tempting you're just looking for one Serene day and a little from a couple of your kids and if you could find them you don't need recognition from the whole world so sorry for the masculine metaphor okay you'll speak to your husband about it and the and the guy does it you know Napoleon own the world right Alexander the Great and he said it doesn't even come close to your true greatness cuz what's that greatness based on it's the snake's version of greatness you're good you're powerful Nobody messes with you amazing if you want to talk in feminine terms I'll go to the feminine the kava snake you know if I could just get that that inner inner Serenity everything is working well the house is clean the cleaning lady showed up actually the house cleaned itself on its own dinner is made I'm going to go home now dinner is made it's already after the laundry who did the laundry I don't know somewhere Mal if this person likes me if I can get appreciation here if I get appreciate but it's all these things where I'm constantly in a void and a recipient of somebody else's recognition to make me happy and constantly responding and constantly judging myself you know how good or how bad I am and even if I'm good but it's with Jud judgment we can't escape this but we can choose and it's not an easy Choice CU sometimes if a person has deep trauma inside of them they need help getting through it because the snake has injected its poison to their close to their core preverbal and if it's preverbal it's very hard to get out of it so don't judge yourself if you can't just snap your finger and say okay I'm no more self-conscious you are I am we all are however the awareness of this the awareness of the different voices inside of me is the ability of starting to choose where I'm going to live more and more what I'm going to take seriously what I'm going to internalize Victor Frankle said between stimuli and reaction there's a moment space and that's where all human Freedom lives you said something I'm going to react right away my brain has right away to say but right before I react there's a split second that's the moment where I get to choose is it the is it Adam and then what I ultimately come to realize is that even the snake is there as a catalyst for human growth the snake is the ability for a person to reach their own Messiah their own Gul their own Redemption it's the ability for them to be able to find the Oneness of Hashem in all the parts of their lives and that's where transformation happens I can do it through self-loathing and judgment because as I said that itself is what the snake wants that itself is its poison that's what it in injects in me sometimes it the will use anything it'll use from kite if it needs it'll use yish kite it'll use Hashem it'll use whatever it needs to make you feel disconnected you're so embarrassing you're so embarrassing God can't look at you a there's no such a thing you can't separate from me there's this ciper and this is a very emotional experience I hope you'll be able to experience what I'm saying now because I've experienced this a few times in my life sometimes we're living in this cipa in this shell and it's so powerful because it makes itself like it's human it has all the features of a human being it has Intelligence it has emotions but it's a ciper it's a shell and I really believe I'm in that sh I don't even know anything else and then there's a moments like you come out of the Rock from you're living under a rock for 15 years and you come over there oh wow the experience of being in God energy is so freeing it's so it's like it's real it's authentic but if all I know is the poison of the snake that is my entire experience I start thinking that's real I don't even know of anything else it's like H you start breathing it's like wow why have been hiding how could you can't even what does it mean to hide from God God is hiding from himself who's hiding from God you he says who do you think you are you're my children you're my energy you're my expression you're my manifestation what do mean you're hiding from me you are me the snake has told you that you have to hide from me the snake has told you you could hide from me the snake has told you that you're already in competition with me wow you must have eaten from that tree didn't you huh H H and yeah I I live in that space so often and I can't I it would be nice to go like this and come out of it maybe some people can do that people people you know who are already so in tuned with this work but in the real in the real AV of every single person it's my awareness of it and it's my ability to be able to learn more and more and sometimes I need different forms of help to be able to step in to that space of complete emancipation and openness where it's not words anymore it's not thoughts it's not like this is what you should think it's not even you should the moment it's you should it's again attached it's like you should it is it's an openness it just is it's experiential it's full it's Das but it's not Das of it's Das as a channel for godliness and that's what happens through thead through theas there is experience there is self-consciousness things come into Das and now I have to work through my Das to be able to go from into Das and then as it says when [Music] comes may we see it speedily in our days have a beautiful and meaningful and inspiring week thank you thank you for coming so that's a great question she's even before she ate she saw how compelling it is right so I think the idea here is that saw objectively what this eight has to offer but she she can almost see objectively this is what's going to happen when I eat it and you know what she chose that she chose to experience life on that level to experience in a way of D seeing it as a tree it was a tree Hashem says that's the tree don't eat it she looks at it the serpent entices and says this is amazing it's still objective it's not inside of her but she could see what it is and she goes there and in many ways it can be a metaphor for what happens often in our life our soul chooses our path even if the path comes across in crazy ways meaning it just like other people chose it for me but on a deeper level my CH my soul CHS my journey so it's like that we make decisions or other people make decisions but on a deeper level the soul saw this and the Soul says I think this is my journey it's a difficult Journey but at that moment it's not inside yet right she sees it more objectively it's almost like like you read an article about an experience and like wow that's interesting you know what I'm going there I want that experience you know people people sometimes read about other people's experiences they consumed something they ate something whatever it is they smelled something they drank something and I'm reading about it and I'm reading their experience and it sounds fascinating or perplexing or crazy or amazing or Incredible or cursed and I'm like wow this is powerful what does this look like you know what I'm taking the drink I'm drinking the wine I'm drinking the Kool-Aid it's the same one singer yeah sing the untethered soul and the surrender experience IDE Letting Go the idea of the untethered Soul huh what's the the untethered Soul means right that the soul gets so tethered you know all to all of the yeah it's not even GM it could be but it's not real judgment yeah judgment yeah constant judgment good bad good bad I am I'm not I am I am I'm not I am I am when you're shutting down the voices and you're going deeper into yourself are there any like like Jewish sources of books to read cuz that concept is more Buddhist to meditation and it's just let go right how do we how do I internalize it more yeah more Sacred Space so really all the teachings ofas came for that all of them all of the text from beginning to end that's what I would suggest just jump well and then I saw this and I'm curious about yeah I could send it to you this is the mushroom trips huh what you're talking about a lot is right brain left brain as well because I know like as an as an artist and even sometimes having my coffee in the morning I look around and I try to go into my right brain and that's no judgment yeah I mean I can look and try to make things turn into certain shapes and and not think of them as reality but think of them as like as if I would paint them right flow I mean flow cretive flow it shuts down the noise I want to say that's right brain and that's also the the the amydala the whole thing in the brain that when go into the non-judgment place yeah and there's techniques I I actually did my thesis on this techniques to get into the right brain scrib how do consciously different types of things that's what I did my resar I can sit through this Sher andp on my phone and hear every word every with your left brain am left brain left brain yeah sorry yeah at what point do they start feel their body generally when they stop nursing what is there the way I see it is that when a baby nurses it feels one with a mother when it stops nursing around that once a disconnection with a source that's when you start feeling self-conscious you see yourself from the outside and I think that's what happened with they were kind of eating directly from hasem then they made a choice to eat by themselves their own stuff that's when they saw the disconnection once they had disconnection they suddenly noticed their nakedness and when I'm thinking of of the Nash I think it was really he did he kind of was what we really needed because like we're saying were twins they were really but because they were one they really need to be separated to come together to see each other to know each other have intimacy that means really had to do that we had to be separated from Hashem otherwise we wouldn't be able to face him to see him right which is really what we needed we separation to have the self awareness beautifully beautifully said beautifully said so he's saying as long as the baby nurses it's an extension of the mother but when the baby stops nursing it feels itself you say we could become who we capable of becoming and fully develop and then face to face from a choice from a deep self-awareness yeah cuz what oh you're you're acian yeah yeah first of all thank you I didn't change my life and and I I love has so much more now and also I wanted to practically speaking I like always to come with something that I can really hold in my hand the concepts are it's not even it's not even a is something we have inside of us like what of of course now practically speaking Yeah if I if I say if I walk out of this room and I say you know what next time I want to took off my sha for that same reason I wanted to just do something for me that it's not going to that others would not affect my decision but let's say I want to wear sneakers cuz it's more I'm sorry more comfortable for work would would say I'm going to wear them just because I want to and it's comfortable and I'm going to better cuz I'm going to be more comfortable instead of caring what people say is that working on these point that you're bringing up today that's a great question right right so very often when people go through the healing Journey one of the first things they do is they start making decisions not based on what other people expected or demanded from them or put pressure on them but they're like this is what I want to do and I'm going to do it and they they're defiant whatever that means in their culture in their Community it sounds very good but there's also a danger there the danger is that sometimes that feeds a different part of the ego the ego that needs to be defiant it's like you told me to do it my mother my father my brother my Rabbi I'm done and they you know a lot of people in their he I'm not talking about you but a lot of people in their healing Journey like the first thing they'll throw away all of Judaism because exactly nobody's going to tell me and it's really for them it may be like very very helpful in their own mind because I was living under a roq I was just living cuz you gave me permission to live and I have to finally say this is who I am and I don't care if none of you like it what often happens and this is where we have to remain very humble is they're hurting themselves because it's like if my father forced me to exercise or if my father forced me or my mother forced me to eat I'm not going to become healthy by stopping to eat and stopping to exercise okay right so so it's a very it's a very individual aided process where you want to remain connected to who you really really are in other words a person a person when we talk about for example SAS in clothing oras in words or in relationships right um let's say people live in a very isolated community and a man won won't even say good chabas to a woman and now you know he liberates himself so now he could flirt with every girl he needs he meets and what happens he doesn't realize that he's feeding maybe another part of himself and it can destroy him with the equal potency like before because you really have to know what's coming from your inner inner soul and what's just a response to pressure where okay so you're being defiant so so you're being Rebellion so I was woken up every day 6:00 in the morning to go to SCH and now I'm going to sleep till 4 in the afternoon amazing how long is that going to inspire you for you know sleeping till 4 in the afternoon so it's really we have to come to stage two and stage two is what does it really mean to respect my body and to respect my soul what does it really mean to be a conduit for God's light what does it really really mean to live not under a rock and not in a kipa and not with the poison of the snake but to really really live fully what does that mean so if this type of dress means that great if not not it would be like if somebody grew up in a house where their mother never had candies or cookies or cake because they were very healthy yeah like your house okay and now they want to and it was crazy for them because they couldn't enjoy any birthday party because they weren't allowed to eat it they could only eat bananas and now they grow up and they're going to defy their mother so what are they going to do they'll eat cake all day you understand and what are they doing they're killing themselves so maybe they have to do it for a week to say I know how to eat cake but at some point I want to respect my body no I'm not going to eat cake maybe my mother was extreme or this one was extreme so these are this is the the the humility that a person really needs not to start worshiping Defiance for the sake of defiance I'm going to teach everybody not to tell me what to do and I'm going to shoot myself like thank you so that's so in your case what that means you'll have to decide I can't decide that for you you can't W out and what's my commitment for tomorrow just say Hashem help me see what's really that's that's that's a good prayer that's a good prayer practical application to this I think it's a practical application to tell to ask Hashem to help you to really know what is show what is really really for me and what is really not for me and to be able to have you the humility to grow into that and sometimes to grow out of that and to be able to make adjustments in the process you know people have to when I'm ready for something it will be available imagine that St also come with that decision like you we think it's for hasem and then I'll ask her up is this well listen the whole idea of Shar what's Shar the code of Jewish law is really a blueprint to live in a way that channels the flow of the Divine through my life but for some people they grow up with a code of Jewish law that meant trauma or repression so they run away from it which I can understand but at some point everybody wants to learn that the wasn't written to repress people to destroy people to crush people it was written to give people a diet and a schedule and a lifestyle that will actually make them in sync with their Divinity with their Divine soul to Anchor them it doesn't mean everything is always easy but so what exercise may also not be easy easiness is not the litmus test that it's good you know it may be easier for me to walk you know on a bit to to to drive faster or slower I mean the point is that it's an anchor to be able to live fully but sometimes when people have been hurt so badly they feel this need to tear away themselves completely because it caused them so much pain and this is their way of protecting themselves but sometimes protecting myself could be also not helping me you know what I mean I'm putting on a bulletproof vest so you're not going to get close to me I put on a mask so you can't see me but also I can't see the whole world I can't be in relationships that's why it's so important for people to remain humble in their healing they sometimes reach a certain Crescendo and they become arrogant in their healing you know what I mean it's like I know who I am I don't care about anybody else and it becomes like a different type of ego but it's huh exactly it it it's fake because it's like everybody's going to see that I don't care about them and my whole life becomes about you respecting me that I will be defiant and that's why I'm defiant so like neb like now I'm just living in a different trauma like I used to be surrendered to you and now I'm busy fighting you all day or whoever that you is you know my parents my siblings but it's all that this idea of like anxiety is basically fear that's stopping you from doing all the to do that's what the anxiety does the anxiety is trying to protect me the anxiety is really real but but the anxiety really deep down doesn't want you to get hurt be anxious before before you say a word think about it before you do anything anxiety has a good reason anxiety has a good reason it means well but it's it's very debilitating snake it's a snake because it it never allows me to be it never allows me to enjoy never allows me to be present never allows me to take a never allows me to do anything it's always going to judge before it keeps me safe under a RQ that's its goal that's its goal and the Nash the Nash comes in and says I'm going to keep you safe I'm going to tell you what's good for you what's bad for you and I'm also going to tell you what's good for you I'm going to tell you this food is good for you this compliment is good for you this relationship feels good that's what he says I'm trying to help you this relationship is bad for you and in this help he completely detached me from me there's no me anymore there's just a snake telling me what's good for me does know me the butterfly remains in the caterpillar forever and remains safe and and and and I'm protecting you I'm protecting you nobody's going to eat you nobody's going to kill you and you also won't get hurt you'll also stay on the ground for the rest of your life you won't fly who cares at least you'll be safe you'll die safe rather than fly and you know end up in a tsunami needing feedback I think go ahead netive I think it does come positively because like you were saying when when you're a speaker you want to be you're right you're right yeah so so I I I should have clarified there's two types of feedback there's feedback that helps me prepare better or helps me present better or teaches me what people want to hear or need to hear or what's affecting them or what speaks to them and that's extremely necessary because it's a feedback it's almost like you taste what you cooks to know if it needs salt or it needs pepper that's not a bad thing that's a good thing because it may need salt you know it's too long it's too short H in terms of feedback I want to say this is a group discussion we're clearly all interested in this okay thank you what I was talking about is different type of feedback feedback exactly it's feedback that I need from my oxygen to make me feel worthwhile and that's toxic it's constantly questioning myself mean before I feedback oh no no no I appreciate the feedback but there's two types of feedback I'm telling you this feedback just like constructive criticism is good constructive Compliments are good they're constructive they're about the message they're about enhancing it they're about something that has to be tweaked you know Etc but then there's a different type of feedback it's a feedback that the person's existence depends on it their selfworth their self value it's about perfection you know if I would prepare for a class and I used to struggle with this today I'm much better and say you know the class has to be perfect it was it was a recipe for disaster how can it be perfect I'm going to know everything on this topic forever and I'm going to say everything on this topic and I'm going to know going to feel everything it's like the the the pressure is insanity it's Insanity yeah yeah why had those thoughts had those thoughts he had to work on them still has to work on them and then the re the real approach the real approach is I'm a channel and I'm going to show up today with the tools I have to be a channel today tomorrow maybe the channel will be able to channel other stuff I'm sure it will I hope it will and then and it is what it is you know wow that's beautiful because kazal do say that you know had Rel there was you know there was pedophilia I mean had relations relations with no or castrated him there's two different opinions and it's with the drunkenness so here again you see how what no did it affected the intimate experience that's what was affected yeah after M he got drunk so it says he was exposed but kazal say was much not only exposed that either had relations with him physical homosexual relations or castrated him there's two opinions however we understand that it means that the intimacy was completely completely affected right so Rabbi foran says that really he was a sadic but when you go through such a flood he was a sadic know this person is his immorality is wow it's a beautiful idea you think you know no but really he's a sadic you have to understand this trauma he went through somebody else somebody sent me a message this morning says found of course it's a plan words because is the letters of so when you see you don't see you see a disaster you see a drunkard you see maybe homosexuality you see castration you see inappropriateness however you explain the story yeah he didn't pray for his generation and and these are all real stuff but God says look deeper into you're reading it from One Direction if you read it from the other direction you're going to find the if you search you'll find in the eyes of God he finds the in the in other words there's really a deep Grace here that may have been affected so sometimes you have to search to see if and read it from Another Side you know we look at a person's life and say oh he got drunk and this is what he did can you now read it from the other direction go to the other direction look at the beginning look what happened before look how it happened H in the eyes of God you could find there's really a here right a lot of this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help help us continue the classes 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