Parshas Chayei Sarah Thursday Mishmar with Rabbi Yehoshua Weber of Ohr Tzvi at Scheiner's Shul

you start okay so um a starting point for the discussion today will be I think anyone who learns um goes through saus we talk about sorry man we talk about and RKA we talk later about Yakov and and ra and Le and the um and ban Zila there's a huge difference when you look at and R's relationship and you compare r or for that matter yov and what would the difference be is a obvious difference what would that difference be what's the question I'm sorry difference in relationships when you look at andu you compare them to aan SAR before and yob and ra after it's a very different type of relationship how's it different themselves ab and S grew together and with themselves no to of work together and Balan one another out yakob and ra grew together and balanced one another out was stronger in the relationship and you see it in a thousand ways right but um how do you see it where do you see that was Stronger come let's do this together where do you see that was Stronger but it's not just this week's para I know it's it's it's actually this is not primarily this week's para at that point is what you see was Stronger what right but how did it evolve wanted to keep as in the house right and Rifka felt that no Yakov should be I she felt that as should be expelled well well let's see where it goes um Rifka felt otherwise Rifka felt that yakob is the one who should dominate yakob is strong yakob is the one who should lead Y is the one so what did Rifka do to sort of make that happen how did Rifka make her dream happen she felt that for the future of Claus it's better that that as the be taken away from as truth is yob had bought the anyway yob was thinking something that was that he had to right to so how did how did she do it how did she arrange trickery through deception through trickery now the truth is that needs a long discussion because you can't steal a braa um a wife is going to trick her husband I mean I have a wife right you don't you don't live that way you don't function that way right so it's hard to say that it was trickery it might have been it might be easier to say that RKA was doing or maybe that even realized what she was doing if you look at the story there sure when you know when um can I I'm being taped so can I still quote um Shakespeare when I'm taped sh Shakespeare is a famous saying right me thinks the damel protesteth too much when a person person says something too much it means that they know what's going on and there's something going on keeps saying is this yob you sound like yov are you my son as may have known there's a Rashi there's there are number of that say that y realized Midstream that he was giving the BR to yob and it's really what he wanted y had felt pressure to give the because as was older felt pressure to give the because Asa was the one who kept kept the family running um y had lost his money ASA was the one who was a hunter so there was a lot of pressure and Y didn't want to hurt as but when the solution came and yob was taking the bra might have run with it but that's another discussion that's not for now was tring what does that mean have to answer that because he he looked back and he realized Accord her books about it he looked back then he realized that all these years ASV had duped him he realized that he had been wrong and had been right that's that's a for sure but why should I say something you know right so um there's really no point but I want to get back to this y feels that Yakov should I don't think know if there was a question about Yakov leaning um was he recognized who Yakov was the question was just how much power do you shift to Yakov how much power do you take away from ASV y felt One Way Rifka felt another way so how does Rifka make a dream come to fruition it seems to be the assembling she doesn't talk to there's no discussions with Y she talks to yov present yourself make it seem like you're asov and this we get the maybe realized maybe didn't realize maybe her objective was to show something but she's you don't see a conversation with with Y this is this is a point of major tension right there's children who leads the family but you don't see Rifka talking to to tell me do you have similar discussions with the other of us similar situations with the other of us trickery and that type of stuff not trickery where they disagree about what to do the brother by well the um ra might have been dead there so that would be a very interesting discussion but let's put that aside because one wife is dead let's go back to a by a and by a s yes feels that Sarah feels that is should be sent away again you have to know what what she was doing again this is this is a this is this is s she's not throwing him out but according to the ran is saying I'm going to Yash he can't Yash because then he's going to lead so there's a ceremony in the ancient world where if a child you wanted to disinherit a child you would do it today you go to a lawyer you couldn't go to a lawyer in the ancient world because nothing was filed away there was a ceremony when you sent a child out this way he did not inherit but yal eventually rejoin the family you see that because by theur is was burying Abu so R I'm sorry felt that is should be sent away what buries a r he's part of the family he's part of the family the other children aren't a r are different children with Huger later they're not part of the family has a very nice piece on this very on the whole perspective for sure there's so much here but let's come back to this core idea here right I just read it today so um ainu and rifu disagree and it's and they disagree about how how to raise the children and you're dealing with really weighty issues does ASV lead or does ASV have some capacity to lead or does ASV get the special does he not does go toob Ando have the exact same disagreement yes is the oldest son just the way ASA is the oldest son Y is the younger son just the way yob is the younger son um um Sarah feels that yal needs to be sent away disinherited again he's not thrown into the garbage he's sent away he's by but it's a ceremony where you say this child is not the one who's going to leave um Aram says no um we shouldn't do this so what does Sarah do she she she speaks to in a very direct way she says um something that I have a right to was stolen and it's your fault you I I want you to do something and and there's a discussion back and forth there's tension um but it's healthy tension what is tension tension is there two people are working through something together one says one thing one says another thing and they come to a conclusion together but they talk it through you don't see Ru andu talking it through you see Sarah and a talking it through that's when you go back a generation go a generation ahead talk about Yakov and the main wife ra so later on when there's questions over the children ra has passed on already so they can't be discussing this but there's tension earlier on what is the tension about when does she challenge him right so ra isn't having children and and ra says in a very forcefully hly bom give me children now again it's very difficult not to have a child and and and and and and she's forceful what her perspective was the whole thing is very right so that each of these stories needs discussion but the key issue here for today's discussion is is that in every relationship between a husband and a wife between regular people and of Neos there were going to be different perspectives there going to be points of disagreement there was going to be points of tension um a had this withu had this with ra with r with ra had this with RKA and yob had this with ra when aino has it with s there's open disagreement um it doesn't mean that these are of not fighting but talking it through they're disagreeing one is saying one one saying another is what the discre is isn't that really what well we have to right we have to understand why it is why we see ab and S talking it through why we see and ra talking through even though there's tension it's it's weighty it's difficult why we don't see talking this through a lot of this goes back to a and the N is based on a very curious story in this week's para so come with me to this week's para okay let's and again I always I I have um sore sheets let's go through them okay very nice okay so the says okay Ando are disagreeing about you know what to do with is s is very forceful my my my role my rights my my my child standing was stolen and and it's your fault I allowed you to establish a relationship with my and and it came back to bite me ter you saw that she became pregnant and I'm I'm just not treated appropriately I've been demoted judge now again you have to know the context she says speak to AES letes offer perspective but but I'm offering my perspective s gave really complaints right right right right so she had a valid point but a saying but the fact of the matter the child was born he's my child and in a certain sense he's also your child because when suray gave Huger to AB to have a child it was really a we learned last week here okay and and and she had and the child was really defined by Sarah we sort of forget is is sort of not viewed as part of the family but D God were exactly like is isal was born to a sh who married the husband um Bill and zip Zila were in the same exact situation to fre otherwise well so maybe maybe Huger was also freed it says the makes it sound as if there's no difference whatsoever and um the um there they're really the same so there there are slight differences but you know it's why ishal was thrown out and why D and aali have full standing as members of col's role needs to be discussed but SAR is very very assertive and it's not just that SAR is assertive a who negotiates with SAR and let me share one one interesting case there are two stories where there are the exact same story AB takes one approach takes another approach um there's right there's famine in you know now people don't die at at least not in North America there's wealth food is preserved D Storage in the ancient world if it was famine people died um they starve to death and when they starve to death the husband died first the wife was sold into slavery she was turned into who knows what it was a terrible situation so and and they left with their wives and those were horrible times and horrible places and if you went to a foreign land and if a woman was attractive the king said I want her he would take her and he would force himself on her and there was nothing she could do there was nothing the husband can do and he would force himself on the wife and to just make it clean and simply we just killed the husband it was normal it was expected it was no big deal right Ru confronted this situation and confronted the situation so what does Ru do when he's approaching MIT and he knows that Sora might be might be violated so what does he tell s he says do me a favor I mean it's a terrible situation we can't stay in Canan because there's starvation going here is very dangerous in all probability it's going to be okay or we wouldn't have done it but they might try to abduct you they might try to to violate you and if they know that I'm your husband they will violate you and they will kill me so what should you do what does he tell s to do he says l say that I'm your I'm your brother not your husband okay um second side of the page Source 11 okay I realize now you're an attractive woman it's creating dilemas um the Egyptians are going to see you say that you're say you're my sister it'll be better we'll survive and Rifka are in the same exact situation okay um come with me 14 come come read it okay so they're going to grow 14 grow and it's interesting it was a less terrible situation because the were a little more civilized were a little less carnal well they're not the doesn't he does it without asking her it's a it's really the same thing with abam and SAR there are negotiations whether it's something difficult like like sending a child away whether it's something difficult like a woman being put in a position where she might be violated there are discussions says work with me I want to hear your perspective she insists on sharing her perspective and they come to a conclusion with and RKA you don't see discussion you see doing what he thinks is right he doesn't discuss it with Rifka not when it comes to um speaking to the king he just says she's my sister he doesn't discuss with RKA and not when it comes to the sons wants to give the as RKA thinks it's wrong but is going to do it anyway he's not discussing it with Rifka how does Rifka have her point of view come through traner trickery abas this whole complicated situation there's no talk but there's no talk between and R you don't see talk between ab and S you see talk and between yob and ra you see talk why is there no talk between Y and rif I never heard that question it's there in the p it's amazing I never heard this question okay so why doesn't mean one's better or one's worse I'm not say it's better or worse um uh I I I would venture to say one I would it is better to talk it through with your wife because it just works but but each situation is different a little surprising that y had who was problem with his father he didn't learn from that I mean that's so why is it this way how did it happen this way clear tactic he used the same tactic of us saying he's my she's my sister no he did but without discussing it with her there's no discussion he doesn't ask her he does it so if we be just that case you would say well we're repeating the pattern of the father but you have you have the cas and the yov um and the where again there are differences did not come from that so let me share an interesting a very surprising NV the NV says um let me share the N first and then I'll go back to the pum that back it up the N says how far apart were Roman s age 10 years right okay that's but that's not the end how far apart were and RKA depends depends who you ask right according to the classic it's 37 years right some say 26 different really well was like three but her intelligence was well but again when there's a 37 year Gap in age between husband and wife and the husband is 40 and the wife is three or the wife is 14 according to the Ezra right but there's a gap in age not only is there a Gap in age she was three no no a lot of sh because it's very difficult to read the story she was three there's there's a very sophisticated lady they're negotiating discussing things Tesa says she was 14 even Ezra maybe um no I mean it's very difficult to see a three-year-old doing all this seems like that yeah so certainly I mean Rashi brings it down that's that's the classic kazal but a lot of take the kazal as a metaphor they say 14 they just just really3 it's just very difficult to see a three-year-old functioning that way very doesn't make any sense how we understand the Giants yeah I don't know that things were so but that's that's another discussion yes another piece to the puzzle ainu and saru grew up in the same world right they both grew up in in in Assyria Mesopotamia that world of B you know that world of where they grew up in and they they were they grew up in the same world and they immigrated they came to all together right Rifka left her world to join yit's World which means she had no support she had no family I'm not even sure how much language he had remember because even though you know people now you go with English you go from here to England to but it's not the way the world then was language was very very localized because there was no radio there was no communication so so once you left your five miles the language changed a lot you know anyone you got to anyone been an England in in England even to this very day the north of England the South the language is very different because way back when people didn't travel so much so language developed differently so she was much younger she had no support she came from a poor World religiously right she came from a bandian right and and she was joining aristocracy so she was much weaker than y much much weaker now let's try to understand in a relationship on one person that's stronger one person is weaker what happens one person is stronger it it's not necessarily bad but a one person will be stronger aru andu were sort of the same similar age similar background both growing together going to Rifka was joining y's World vastly younger maybe with little language no support network no family no standing she was chosen to marry the Aristocrat but she was much Winker it was a relationship not of equals but of one stronger person one weaker person had no back what ab and Sarah had no backup who do they right but but but they were the same they were the same sa wasn't stronger they were the same religiously they were the same age- wise they were same linguistically they were same culture they were the same Rifka was was was weaker than y in every which way agewise so yakob and ra it was the opposite yakob might have been weaker than ra or ra might have been weaker than yakob Yakov traveled to Ra's world so he was sort of subsumed in her world in a way he was weaker but then she came to his world I we don't know what the Gap in age is we don't know simple readings most tremendous but again you don't have you don't have you don't have this cloudy when she saw you took for the first time she off and that is the that's going to be today's discussion so let's start with the the says something says there's a PK that has well she's on the same level why is she getting so overwhelmed why is the so the niia the tells us this so at the end of the par we read freak right right right you're right so the PK okay so turn to the first side of the sheet PK tells us one she's coming to meet um her husband she falls off the camel or on the camel and then on top of that she covers himself now again everything the Tera tells us is a reason so but simply instinctive reaction like what are we learning from this like why does the ter tell us this right the ter is X number of letters and words it tells us only things that are important well why is it important why is it recorded So Rashi tells you maybe she didn't fall down she lowered herself whatever it means but she lowered herself what's going on here what is this about so a lot of say it's look at the radak 3 it's very interesting the radak says it's not about a woman not um not um you know being seen by another man but specifically by the man she's engaged to because there there should be special SAS and it makes sense because a person is Lio gas with his with his orus when they're engaged yeah they more there's there's more of a potential for impropriety so there there's there's special reason foras but the rakx is it's specifically because they're engaged and indeed when Yakov meets Raul the first time what does Raul do she doesn't cover herself and she doesn't put on it if he kisses her so why he kisses her is another discussion that needs to share into itself but that's the P right you can't translate it another way right so maybe she was a child she probably was a child because Yakov says we're going to wait seven years until you get married back then as soon as a girl reached puberty when she was 12 she got married what does theba say if she's already a b she's 12 and half she's unmarried the father is having a nervous breakdown 12 and A2 so so she was probably s years she was probably a little girl and this way he'd be able to wait without it being a problem and this way kissing her wasn't such an issue because she's a little girl maybe maybe but the point is is that you know but you know each of these is a discussion but what's critical is is that she lowers herself and she covers herself with um with a with aat of some sort why is she doing this so the says because she felt so insignificant he's much older he's the God ladar she's going to his world she has no support she has no background maybe she has no language here she's she's so weak and and she's so completely controlled she just feels insignificant and then it's if says this was the pattern for the relationship they had for the rest of their life this imbalance now explains why the relationship they had for the rest of the life is one of imbalance where when y makes a decision about saying that she's his sister rather than his wife he doesn't talk to her it's such a big thing he should talk to her spoke to S is so much older so much wiser so much so much more attuned his level he should have maybe I'm not saying no I'm not saying it's a critique of that's another discussion I'm not saying it's a critique of then says this is the way AES wanted it but it it's sort of the way they live their lives then it says very interesting is I've I always tell people the is who writes like a rean he's contemporary late 19th century very novel though his ideas are really not so much says this is what wanted wanted an imbalanced relationship so that eventually when there's when there's tension over Yakov and ASV who gets the bra and who gets rights um Rifka won't talk to and this way she'll engineer through because that's the way KES wanted it some would say it that way others would say that maybe maybe it just evolve this way maybe it you know it's not so clear that yov stealing the bras was so correct there's a whole range the way to do it because I mean got married that way this whole thing so maybe one maybe one week I'll come back P STS we talk about but there's a range of this marriage but some yeah because of this marriage but it say was 100 there's plenty of of of mid actually that are very critical they say Z that as of the bras was stolen and ASA was upset and he screamed and paid us back with h so there's so many approaches that really just wanted to give of um as of something small there's many approaches the dominant approach though was that yakob was right and yakob was right because he was claiming something that was his because he bought the Bros and and the gav Bros might not even been been trickery it might have been something that they all understood but that's another discussion let's come back to the core issue here the core issue is is that the says this set the pattern that Define the relationship for the rest of the life what wanted but it's the pattern that Define the relationship for the rest of the life look at n at the bottom she was very um she was afraid she was ashamed she's not really worthy of this he's know he is the most important person in the world he's the one who's setting setting up Claus Ro at da darus and she's really nobody um and and a little girl so much younger from that point on there was a certain a certain fear in her heart the relationship wasn't wasn't relationship she didn't have the same relationship that her father and- law and had and for that matter she didn't have the relationship that her son and daughter-in-law have ra yob there was something they were upset about they spoke even forcefully you see that and tells something very but it's very very forceful there's none it explains why they had this disagreement but there's no discussion now the way the says it is that want it to be this way but I will tell you the N says this defined the relationship in so many areas so two other cases the NV brings down 15 on the second page and 17 15 is again where um where goes down to grow goes down to the land of he says rif is my sister he doesn't discuss it with her well maybe he did and the T doesn't mention it because of did but that's not how the reads it he didn't discuss it with her because she subjugated herself it wasn't a relationship of equals okay as I explained before and then he brings one more r one more incident where you see something similar happening after gas ASV is so upset and ASF says I am going to kill yakob and he means it and and rif hears so what does Rifka do when she hears she says Yakov has to leave because if he stays here he's going to get killed so go to my brother you'll find the wife there we'll wait and eventually you'll come back and so that's why she sends him but what does she tell her husband what does she tell that's not what she tells she says come look at theuk 16 she heard that as had threatened to killed yob and he meant it she called yob your brother he is thinking he's going to find the killing you go run away don't stay here you'll stay with him for a short while and then eventually it'll it'll it'll settle you'll come back and it's going to be okay but what does she tell y she doesn't tell y that ASA is threatening yob she doesn't say that yob has to flee she says something very different me the last part of 16 I don't like the local girls I find them I find them upsetting um if if as if yakob marries one of the local girls this is not what I want let him go to my brother let him marry an out of town her they out of town girls are nicer okay but why does why does she leave it out she doesn't want to get into a a discussion she can't she can't again so that it says it's the same thing that the relationship was a different she doesn't tell exactly what happened she changes the story she's sending yov because Asa is threatening him what she tells her is I'm sending yob because I want an out of town or that's sweeter they s out right so he wasn't being disinherited he was just so look at look at the here he says it's the reason that I explained before so what you see here what the N tells you is is you have this little story at the end of the par it's there for a reason little stories aren't just there that she fell down and she covered herself with it if like why are we telling you all this is it really that forus maybe maybe that I was telling you that that's say for sure but maybe maybe it's it's a message about the way the whole relationship evolved there was such a disparity he was so much stronger so much older so much wiser that was less and that's the way it had to be had to run the house in a different way than AB ran the house the end result was there was less communication because of that he decided when they came to grow that she should be a sister he decide um she did not want to discuss with him when she was sending yakob away it led to gas the's reading is is that wanted to happen this way because that's what wanted that's a discussion but I will say maybe one week we come back for told there's a whole range of approaches to whatas is most valid yov most say and it's really it's theuk the as ssob the he means it right he did sell you check the he didn't sell it for the beans he sold it for money but the beans that um representation were were really were a meales thear talk about this I'm not sure that I'm sure he he sold it for money a lot of say you're not you're GNA sell something as valid for a pot of beans it doesn't make sense that's it's not a valid sale he just didn't care about but if you don't if if you don't care not even care right he didn't want to die that's right so that that already is med that's but I will say a lot of the simplest reading is is that he sold it for money and back then whenever you you had a significant financial sale you wanted a meal to celebrate it that this is way people remembered it because otherwise people would forget so it was a meal to create a communal memory so that people wouldn't forget and this way it would so yakob was absolutely right and and his parents knew that he bought it because what happens after after um ASF um sells the he's called Ed everyone calls him Edam well if everyone know calling him Edam why are they calling him Edan because everyone knows that he sold the if everyone knows then his parents know which means his parents know that yakob really had the right to which explains why right which explains why Rifka was saying do something it's yours and why really agreed at the end was being formal giving it it's but we'll leave that foris we'll be back one week saw what as was and then why happen he was like oh whoops so could be that that's her the reaction okay I always look forward beautiful I never heard