Parents It's Time To Get Real - Rabbi Shais Taub

okay thank you [Music] Galia where's it shim where you had to leave okay okay so I'll I'll I'll talk about de shiman behind his back and uh instead of thanking him I'll uh I'll just say it's good to hear people like that who are real people I remember one time a few years ago I I told Deb shim I said you know I want to I want to tell you something I don't like speakers like I really don't like I'm allergic to it because I do it professionally I know the tricks and so I I I know what they're I know the tricks of the trade and it's it's manipulative I just can't stand it I said sh I like when you speak he saids you know why because I'm not a speaker and it's true it's true he's not it's not performative he's just being real and if we could just take that and encapsulate that and you know what that is and this is what we need so much more of just people being authentic there's so much performance there's such pressure to perform and and we just need more real people authentic people people who are speaking from the heart speaking humbly and uh you know that's why I respond when AB shim is speaking and I just want to encourage each one of you that you know we all have a platform we all have a a sphere of influence we all have a we have people who listen to us wherever you are whatever your uh your day job is so to speak there are people who you talk to and um I know there's pressure to make a presentation especially in our community and we're always thinking about shim and the family brand and all that stuff but really what people need from you is your authentic self so if if you take anything from a shabas like this maybe it could just be the lesson how important it is to just be real and in that Spirit I'm going to try to be real um I'm hoping I'm kind of counting on the fact that this is a room of compassionate people this is not your typical audience and you're not going to make me perform for you and I don't I'm going to consciously remove from myself the pressure to give you the the per performance that you want and I'm just going to I'm just going to talk okay there's a lot to talk about I'm just going to jump in um the term we use is Crisis I think that's a misnomer I think that's a misunderstanding I think the crisis is what opens up our eyes to the truth it's not crisis it's it's basic it's the way that we should be not just parenting all children but it's the way we should look at children and adults and at each other and at our spouses and it's just basic Yiddish kite okay what's it what's it it is you know I'm talking about the performance I'm talking about the image so deep down behind all of that there's the real me and if you have any amount of spirituality you you should understand when I say who's the real me then it should make sense to you when I say who's the real me the real me is my Nish and I just want you to see me as my Nish that's it and as believing Jews we should be the first people who are good at that who are good at seeing past the packaging and being able to perceive that there's something deeper in each other that there's something that's Eternal and infinite and good and godly that's there all the time that never changes that cannot be destroyed that that should be their that that should be our default setting like the balat says how how are you which is aah how do you do it I mean you could treat somebody nicely but how do you actually have the AA how do you actually love your fellow Jew so he says in Pam Bas of T that uh you have to see him as a soul and when you'll see him as a soul then wh why wouldn't you love a soul when a child is born and they're lying there in the crib and the parents look at this baby they have this this feeling of Pride look at this baby this beautiful baby they F and then something happens where that feeling of Pride it it's it's replaced with something else with something different instead of having this feeling of this perfect baby this perfect gift all of a sudden and and and when when we look at the baby there are no strings attached nobody says to their baby why don't you grow up learn how to talk form a personality we'll go out for coffee we'll see if we can strike up a conversation and then I'll decide if I like you nobody says that to their baby you look at your baby and automatically there's a bond but then after a while something happens where it's like that positive regard that you once had for this child is no longer unconditional it becomes very conditional it becomes Behavior based it becomes based on performance what you do how I feel about you has to do with what you do now that those those were not the terms and conditions when when the child was an infant you had no problem having positive feelings about your child based on nothing that they've done in fact they can do nothing but just who they are but then at some point for some reason what happens is instead of having this good feeling and this connection based on who my child is now it all becomes based on what my child does why does that happen why do we do that I understand you I mean I get it babies can't do anything so you don't hold them to that standard I get that and as they get older they are capable of doing things I get that but that doesn't ex follow me here that explains why you don't have expectations of a baby's behavior and therefore you don't have that what we call the nas based on what they do and with with an older child or with an adult you can actually be proud of their actions I get that but it doesn't explain what happened to the pride and the love that you had for the baby that was not based on what they do you understand what I'm saying why did that go away why was that replaced with a new type of positive regard that's totally based on Behavior there there's two types of Pride and they can both be true at the same time there's a concept Hashem looks at us at his children and says I appreciate when I told you to do something you did what I told you I have nakas I feel good about that which implies if you don't do it then I'm not going to have that n so that's conditional and that's a real thing I'm not saying it doesn't exist but then there's something else distinct and separate from that which is a different type of Pride which is unconditional where Hashem says about the Jewish people they're allim really did you look at did you see I mean the branch of my planting the work of my hands in which to take pride Le means to take pride not just Hashem loves every Jew Hashem is proud of every Jew how could he be proud of every Jew when they'll do something that that makes him proud then he'll be proud no that's the which is a separate track what about po that Hashem is proud of you not because of what you did but because of what he did in making you so hasem looks at the Nish and says look at what I did the Nish doesn't have to do anything to be worthy of that Pride Hashem is automatically proud just because of who you are why does that go away why are we in tune with it when a child is a baby and why do we lose it and it gets replaced with the conditional behavioral based Pride as they grow up you understand I'm not telling you to pretend that there isn't such a thing as behaviors that are pleasing and behaviors that are displeasing I think that's a big hysterical sometimes I think even willful misunderstanding people want to pretend that we're saying there's no such thing as desirable behaviors and undesirable behaviors not saying that what I'm saying is there's a positive regard that Hashem has for every Jew that is not based on behavior and that is the exact same positive regard that we're really supposed to have for all of each other which is the Mitzvah of a positive regard we're supposed to have for every Nish that's not based on Behavior that's not based on what they do it's purely based on who they are which is unchanging and if and really really you're obligated to to have that feeling about every single Jew and all we're saying is at least could you do it for your kids at least do it for your kids look at your child and see that no matter what they do that is separate and distinct from who they are they always were they always will be 10 years ago if you would talk about unconditional love you would sound crazy now it's somewhat normalized I'm saying in our community and a couple years ago I started using the term unconditional pride and I saw it triggered a lot of resistance so I knew it was a good term to use not just because I'm a contrarian but because people have a lot of trouble with it they're like okay conditional love I understand but unconditional pride pride means proud of something right it does mean proud of something but why do you think the only thing there is to be proud of are behaviors you have to look more deeply you have to look at the essence the essence means that which does not change behaviors change behaviors constantly change they fluctuate in fact even in a good way even in the most positive ideal scenario there's change in behaviors because you're doing better and better all the time so behaviors are constantly in flux they're moving Essence your identity your true deepest identity does not change I mean this is one of the core teachings of T that a year a year a year year that's it you just are who you are so why is this a radical concept really shouldn't be there's a there's a Deo that asks a very interesting question okay bear with me here it says I know that there are two things that came before the world right braus is BAS racious b b the world was created for the sake of two things that came before the world right what are the two things that came before the world H is okay and theen fine so there are two things that came before the world but I don't know the ton Deo says which came before which like I know both of those came before the world but of those two which came before which now let me explain something to you when we say which came before which came before when you talk about something that's before the creation of the world you're talking about something that's also before the creation of time so before is not it's not chronological it's it's qualitative precedence or prioritization so when we say two things came before the world we don't mean chronologically we mean the world was created for the sake of two things meaning it's not that the abish had a world and he looked at his world and he said oh you know what this world needs and and then he imported that into the world no he had to for eternity and then he said you know what I should create a world as a forum within which the greatness of T can be expressed you following too philosophical you're saying just talk about the kids skip the philosophy okay okay but I I I think if you bear with me it'll it'll be worth your time and your effort so when we say which came before which we don't mean in time we mean which one exists for the sake of which just like when we say the tanel came came before the world we mean that the world is here for the sake of T and is so between T and is is T there for the sake of is or is is there for the sake of T it's a very important question in other words say are you Jewish because you do Mitzvah or do you do Mitzvah because you're Jewish follow meaning do your behaviors give you your identity or is it your identity that gives value to your behaviors so the tono which asks this question answers it with a mush says I'll give you a mush there was a king okay that's a common component of rinic Parables there was a king and the King had children and the King wanted to teach the children how to live so he hired a mamid he hired a tutor to teach the kids did the king have a teacher that he needed to give a job to and therefore he went out and had kids or did the king have kids who he wanted to teach the proper ways of living so he hired the mamad so the tono says so too is comes before it's not that they had a and he said who's going to do this no it's he had his children he had is his children and he said you know what I need to give them a way to bring out who they are who they already are who they will always be but I need a means or a mechanism to bring that out for them to be able to reveal that so he gave them t but what this means is the Jews identity is not given to him or her based on their performance of Mitzvah the performance of Mitzvah is the way in which a Jew has an opportunity to express their essential identity which is there even if they don't express it I mean where is it more clear that the children are the King's children when they behave or when they don't behave of course they should behave but I'm saying when they behave you might think the king's relationship with them is based on their behavior but it's specifically when they don't behave that you see there's an underlying relationship there's a connection that's much deeper that's pre-existing that the children are connected to the king already and then the behavior is a secondary thing so this is what I want to ask you to do not just with your children but with yourself starting with yourself with your spouse with friends can you stop identifying people and and judging people and categorizing People based on Behavior and can you go a little bit deeper and try to start seeing people as nishas and that the being a and like the balat adds Mish which Mish means not just emphasis but it means in mamosas even in a physical body because you might think well you know if I would meet my child's n Shaman ganen I'm sure i' be impressed but in aashi it's not so right so Mish that even in the physical world the Nish shama continues to be what it always is so therefore what should be your reaction when a when enters the room you light up not based on anything that they've done if they've something to be proud of that's a bonus that's very nice that's extra but I'm saying walks into the room you light up I have a parenting course which is officially it's not crisis but like I told you I don't even believe in that distinction I believe this is just basic yish kite so one of the things I teach in the parenting course is this unconditional pride and and um I was explaining unconditional Pride means that you light up when your child enters the room just because your child is who he or she is not based on anything that they've been doing not based on whether or not their behaviors please you or displease you so there was this one father in one of the groups who really couldn't he understood the concept but he didn't understand the practical application like okay what is what does that mean because it was like too abstract for him like the feeling what is that how he was like how are how do how are you mag your this you're telling me you have to light up when they enter the room well like it's too fluffy like give me give me a put a handle on it so I could hold on to it so like guy happened to actually be a RV so I said to him I'll put it in in in halic terms making a I'm not seeing somebody for 30 days is a whole different uh different discussions about whether we do do it we don't do it whether it's the Min but I said setting aside all the complicated discussion if you haven't seen your child in 30 days is there a Shiloh whether or not you make a Shu what I'm telling you is that I want you to be able to have no Shila you if you haven't seen your child in 30 days thank you God for bringing me to this moment where I get to be in my child's presence not because of anything they're doing particularly to please me but just to be here in my child's presence this he understood and really like I'm saying that's how we should be feeling about all of us so so it's really not even that uh demanding to say just start at home and my hope is and actually it's more than my hope it's my suspicion that it's going to spread that the healing that this community needs as far as love and acceptance and allowing people to feel valued for who they are for their Godly Soul that's going to actually come about and it is already starting to come about um from homes where crisis forced people to start to see their children's nishas and it emanated out from there and bashem it's viral in a good way that people are starting to see this in other contexts as well and really that's the track that we need to be on okay now I'm going to completely change the subject let's talk about um a concept that maybe you feel has been beaten to death but I think I have a new angle on it let's talk about trauma I'm sure you've all heard about it and you're aware of how it affects human beings particularly young people and the burden that it places upon a person and why it would make things that you think of as being regular functioning it would make it very very difficult yeah I mean I don't have to this crowd here your I don't yes no I can skip this you you know this right yes okay okay so here's what I want to suggest to you there are some of us for whom the embodiment itself is the trauma I want to repeat that the embodiment itself is the trauma so you're saying what happened who did this to you uh sometimes there's an answer to that question sometimes the answer to that question is we're dealing with very sensitive nishas for whom physical embodiment itself is overwhelming and that feeling of overwhelm is pervasive because it is not situation specific it is ongoing because it is being in a physical body itself that is causing pain I was a kid that when I was 5 years old I used to fall on the ground weeping because the tag in my shirt was driving me crazy and this is before the tagless t-shirts this is back in the 70s and my mother had to cut out all the tags for my shirt and you know I was the kid who sitting at the dinner table and a sibling is breathing too loud and I would become Furious and start screaming and you could call that kuta you could call it bad mid I but if someone came up to you and and and took an air horn you know one of those things one of those things imagine someone comes up to your ear I was driving here we're in Stanford Connecticut right now I almost jumped out of my car I was driving under the bridge and there was a train whistle I almost I I literally I just almost shot out of my body from the train whistle so what I'm telling you is there are people for whom the embodiment itself that means the requirement to deal with sensory stimuli is a pervasive ongoing traumatizing event that does not stop nowadays they call it HSP they didn't have that term when I was a kid and by the way can I tell you something when I first heard the term HSP I became Furious I said either it's describing exactly my life experience in which case I don't need to hear about it I've lived it or it's not talking about my experience in which case I'll feel misunderstood yet again I'll become even more upset so I never actually read a book on it I never no can't do it can't do it but what I'm trying to tell you is there are sensitive Souls who are in existential pain do you know what I mean by existential pain existence itself is the source of pain now many such people um are quotee unquote high functioning and engage in a behavior we call masking which is presenting an image that is socially acceptable and why do you do this so that you don't experience social rejection because these highly sensitive Souls often do experience a great degree of social rejection and just because somebody is an introvert and is exhausted by being in a crowded room doesn't mean that they don't want human companionship or interaction they just can't take it with such intensity by the way you know why I wasn't here for shambas I can't deal with it I can't deal with it I can't deal with it thank you you're clapping silently over there acknowledging thank you what what what's what are you clapping for the fact that I wasn't here for shabas that I acknowledged it I started off and I said we need more people who are just being real okay I wasn't saying that as a speak go ahead clap for me sure sure thank you thank you okay all right that's beautiful that's beautiful so I I just can't take it I can't be in a in in in in a in a building with all these different people and every person has their different energy and it's like it's just overwhelming it's just too much stimulation so like what I'm telling you is see I can come up here and I can present myself in a certain way um and I I'm I'm not doing it to deceive you I'm pres I'm to the contrary I'm I'm doing it in order that you can you can hear my truth because if I would speak to you the way that I actually am comfortable speaking you wouldn't hear me you'd be distracted so I have to put on a certain level of certain level certain degree I'm a little bit more relaxed in this audience here but for the benefit of being able to be heard I'm behaving a certain way my mannerisms my my vocal tone my my choice of words um but what I'm telling you is that's not without a price what I'm telling you is there are plenty of kids you think who are fine and they're not fine they're exhausted because they go all day long to an environment where they are constantly suppressing their sensitivity and behaving in ways that will not incure incur social rejection either by their peers or teachers or both and they come home and they are exhausted and they come home and all they want to do is collapse or or or or or behave in weird ways or make weird noises or spin around and it's freaking you out and making you uncomfortable this kid was holding it together and then you say why could you do it at school please don't wait until the until the utter collapse of a child we need to raise the bottom here there are plenty of children who who are in deep existential pain and because they didn't yet abandon Yiddish kite we're not acknowledging that there's an issue crisis should wake us up to the underlying Universal human condition that is present in all of us so don't just think that when a kid falls apart that's when all of a sudden we need to pay attention we need sensitivity we need compassion we need empathy just understand that there's a lot more going on inside of a person than what you see outside of them and especially if it's your child that's your job I'm sorry to say mothers and fathers that's your job to know your child better than a stranger knows them and if your child has needs to sort of let their guard down and be who they really are in ways that are socially unacceptable and they need to do that in your presence I hope you'll have the good sense and the compassion that your home will be the place where they can do that safely because if they hold on hold on because and and I'm going to take away the Applause cuz if you don't cuz if you don't there are two options there are two options if they don't have that opportunity to to trust you and to let their guard down with you and to be their weird self in front of you there are only two other options either they have nowhere to go to be their true self and they are dying of loneliness or they'll find people who they think accept them and allow them to be their authentic self and you don't get to pick who those people are and you better pray those people have Noble intentions because wherever your child feels that he can be his true self or her true self that's it those will become the values that your child will follow not your values the values of wherever it is that they feel that they're being allowed to be authentic okay now let me bring in another point on this point of a child will take on the values of the group that they feel most safe in um so I gave a talk for a girls high school in Cleveland about and it wasn't crisis it was just regular and I spoke about um when when you want your child to be able to receive your teachings your values so there's a there's a there's an expression people don't care what you know until they know that you care so I said if your child doesn't feel emotionally safe with you why do you think they would be interested in your values um I said I I once heard a father say when my child grows up and inevitably gets into trouble which I know she will she'll get into trouble at some point I can't control that but what I can control is I don't want her response to be oh no my dad's going to kill me I want her her response to be oh no I better call my dad so so I said that somebody took a clip of that they put it on social media and there was a comment from a a family therapist and I'm not sure who she is but she had like 200,000 followers so she must be she must be good right um must be and she commented on that clip she said this is the meaning of epistemic trust so don't worry I didn't know what it meant either but and I know a lot of big words because by the way why do I know a lot of big words because I was the weird kid who would sit and read the dictionary you have any dictionary readers any okay so all right so funny who people think are the kids at risk it's counterintuitive isn't it like the little dictionary reader that's a kid you got to really really support because it's a sensitive soul and the world is not always gonna yeah the world is not always going to cater to that to the contrary yeah so at any rate so I know a lot of big words but I didn't know this word epistemic trust so I Googled it and um when I Googled it then it made sense to me because actually in another context I was aware of the concept called epistemology epistemology is a branch of philosophy concerned with the nature of truth how do you know something to be true um so epistemic trust means that you trust that what somebody's telling you is truthful I mean there's different types of trust like I trust you that I don't know if I leave my door unlocked you're not going to steal my stuff that's like one level of trust right um but epistemic trust means I trust you that what you're telling me is true and there are many different reasons you might have why you wouldn't trust somebody that what they're telling you is true maybe you think that they're a liar or maybe they're not a liar maybe they're just ignorant and they're passing on their ignorance to you there are a lot of different reasons why you wouldn't rely on somebody to be a source of Truth epistemic trust so she writes in the comment this is the meaning of epistemic trust I responded once I looked it up and I knew what it was I said I Now understand what it says in the kuzari about the first of the Ten Commandments What did I understand Kari discusses why the abish is revealing himself to and his first statement is Lord God who took you out of Egypt why is is that the first thing and there are many different questions different angles to come at that but the kazari is primarily concerned with why is the Abisha giving a resume and why is that the leading item on the resume like you know who I am I took you out of Egypt and he explains I'm going to tell you the way I understand it now once the the dropped for me and I had this Clarity basically what the kazari is saying is that even God Almighty is not exempt from this Ironclad law of human nature that before you tell me how to live you need to establish a caring safe personal relationship with me so even Hashem had to start before you tell me your Commandments remind me that you were with me at my time of pain and you helped me and you took me from there and we have a history we have a relationship in the context of a relationship I'm ready to hear the rest of your Mitzvah but devoid of that context who are you just Waltzing into my life with a bunch of rules how do I even know that what you're telling me is true how do I even know that what you're telling me is good for me maybe it's bad maybe you're hurting me so what it comes down to is the bonding what we call the Ki it's not a bonus it's not an addition to it's the of because how can somebody be ma even from Hashem himself if it's not first established that there's a loving safe relationship ship and a personal relationship once that's established okay tell me what else you want me to know but when that's not established why would I come to you for direction and in fact to the contrary let's say you're not only the not only are you not the source of my safety but you're the source of further social rejection so it's not enough I go to school and the kids don't understand me and the teachers don't understand me and everybody misinterprets my motives and I can never be my true self I'm ex I'm exhausted from all the masking and trying to fit in then I come home and then I get the biggest Judgment of all and the pressure to perform in a certain way and to to give my parents that conditional Nas is so intense that the home is the is the least the least safe place well you tell me is that the place I'm going to learn how to live is that the place I'm going to receive direction to the contrary if I have an ounce of self-preservation in my body which I do because the abish there is infinite wisdom designed a person to survive to survive so if I'm in a place that is unsafe it is basic human survival I'm not going to stay in that place I'm either physically leaving or if I can't physically leaving I'm emotionally checking out so let me say this in a simple way some kids were traumatized because something happened some kids are traumatized because they were born into this physical world some kids are double winners they have both the world is a harsh enough place I love parents who say I don't want to cudle my kids because the world is a harsh place so I don't want them to have false expectations I want them to know how harsh the world is I'll be their first bully they don't say that but that's what they do many parents are their children's first bully sad to say and by the way I would just want to say something if you have the guts to admit that you have been your child's bully and you want to do cha right now then to me you are the greatest parent in the world but Mak shabal cha AED him in the place where true penitent stands is the highest place and if you can have the humility to say I was the one who exacerbated my child's feeling of un of being unsafe in this world world I'm going to now make it my life's mission to make them feel safe then to me you are the greatest parent even greater than the parent who got it right from the [Applause] beginning I have like three minutes here and there's this crazy compulsion I have to get into the deepest possible concept and see if I can cram it into three minutes I'm Gonna Do It Don't Clap you'll take up my time I have three minutes here okay so there's this word a lot of people um assume things about me one of the things common common assumptions misunderstandings misconceptions is that they think that I have some type of Mental Health Training I do not I do not um but sometimes and I don't even read those books I promise you like I but I hear words and then I'm I'm like oh those are good English words to describe Concepts that I learned about in cidis and if I can use those English words as a mus then great so I'm going to use one of these fancy English words but please understand I have no training I'm not using it in the clinical sense I'm probably using it wrong there's a there's a term called neurod Divergent okay so neurod Divergent you know like add and autism spectrum and a lot of different types of I heard people say that cptsd is actually a form of being neurod Divergent because the ongoing trauma rewires your brain makes you neurod Divergent but at any rate neurod Divergent just means that your way of processing reality is different than what is neurotypical who decides what's neurode Divergent and what's neurotypical basically majority rule okay all right so it's just a numbers thing the origins of the Jewish people we go back to our father of aaham was an interesting child he had ideas that not only nobody taught him but were like totally going against the grain of his family's values and he had to figure it out all on his own he didn't really have a mentor prophecy didn't happen till he was 75 so it was all just him figuring this stuff out and he figured it out imp Al it wasn't like God spoke to him he just started looking at the world he's like oh is the Sun God is the moon God and basically he came to this concept that there's only one God and he did it just out of logical reasoning so we're talking about this crazy Genius Like figuring out the nature of reality completely on his own and nobody understands him no nobody understands him and he's totally alone Aram was literally the only guy who thought like he did nobody else thought like him what's the old joke the guy goes to the doctor the doctor says have good news and bad news what do you want to hear first he says tell me the good news he said the good news they're going to name the disease after you okay the point is he's the only guy in the whole world right so you want to talk about being neurod Divergent you don't get more neurod Divergent than that we're going to name it after you it's called ainu syndrome you're the only one in the world who sees reality this way and no nobody else sees it this way and um long story short I'll sum up Millennia of history in a sentence the Jewish people continue to be different we continue to be set apart and we continue to be misunderstood by a neurotypical world that Miss understands our motives at every turn and it can be very lonely now when mssiah comes the whole world is going to see the truth and going to be okay with the truth and then World Peace it's going to be beautiful but until that happens at least among each other fish un can it be a safe space at least for the people who have this particular form of neurodivergent thinking called being Jewish jewishness is a form of neurodiversity and in fact I might even say that the entire concept of neurodiversity had to be given to the world at this time so we would finally have a mush with which to adequately convey what is jewishness we're in a world that doesn't understand us we're in a world that misinterprets our motives you know what happens often you have a family system where you have a little neurodivergent kid kid who's the truth teller because they don't know what's socially inappropriate so they say uncomfortable truths right they don't know they're saying anything wrong they're just I was just telling the truth right um if you have in that same family a narcissistic parent then that truth teller child will be scapegoated because the narcissistic parent drives on the LIE that they are perfect and the neurod Divergent child can't help himself or herself from saying the truth not maliciously the neurod Divergent kid is not trying to bust anybody or shame them narcissist by the way when narcissists say unconventional truths it is to make you cringe they do it just to watch you cringe when yeah when but this little neurod Divergent kid who's saying the truth he doesn't even know he made you cringe he finds out a year later why his friend doesn't talk to him anymore he doesn't know what he did so what happens is these netive virgin kids get scapegoated and they become the the they become designated to carry the shame and the blame of the narcissistic parent who has to pretend to be perfect I want you to understand there's something similar going on in the world today that the Jewish people have historically been scapegoated we are the truth tellers we're the neurode Divergent kid and there are elements in society in the world who are like the narcissistic parent who always has to be right who cannot cannot face the reality that maybe they're not the most perfectly virtuous one and that is why they have an obsessive hatred for the truth tell teller and then they employ their henchmen their flying monkeys and they get people to hate the neurod Divergent kid and to believe lies about him I'm telling you this because I want you to understand that Jew hatred in the world is in macrocosm meaning it's a larger example of the constant pressure that children who are different feel in our communities and in our families do you want understand the parallel and the comparison so at the very least our homes have to be a Haven for allowing children to be who they are and what that means is I'll say it very clearly I see your Nish I see that you have value in infinite value you do not have to earn your worth here in this home your value comes with you inherently just because Hashem made you and Hashem made you exactly as he made you and Hashem doesn't make mistakes and your quirks that cause you to be socially rejected are not liabilities in this family your quirks and What Makes You unique and special is cherished in this family and maybe if more families would do that that there would be a cultural revolution in our community and our community would start to Value people who are different and then maybe we would have leaders who would speak openly about being different and maybe a lot of the wounds that we're carrying as a community would start to heal but it's going to not going to start I see it is starting by these families the families who are forced by Dent of Crisis to come to terms with this truth this is where it's emanating out from so please do not just hold on to this as something that you keep as a secret in your home this is a model for healing for the entire community and ultimately for the entire world it's long time