Parenting the Emotionally Sensitive and Impulsive Child

okay everybody welcome to the program tonight tonight is going to be our 30-second share here and uh we're rocking and rolling really appreciate it again i always like to start off telling everybody thank you for for helping us and letting everybody know about it putting on your status statuses letting and telling your friends about it it's really growing the program we're getting we're growing and growing a lot of people are reaching out to me reaching out to manaham and uh a lot of new ideas coming out i said this last week before hanukkah we have a pending list of tremendous amounts of speakers and uh we might have to do this every now and then there's such such a demand i hope you're available and um this week we have a very special show we'll get into it shortly um again matas was one of our actually uh founding uh founding presenters on the show who uh we had to beg him to come on and bar hashem now he's more than happy to come back and we're happy he's back and we'll get into the tonight's gonna be a very interesting show not not typical and i think we're gonna have a good time it's very helpful there's a tremendous demand for it uh i wrote this but i was going to say it today i got at least probably seven to ten calls uh from parents that have very these these issues with you know uncontrollable children or you know emotionally sensitive children and i didn't think it was such a hot topic but it is a very hot topic and hopefully a lot of people come and are nana from matas and can help if you have one person tonight the whole thing was worth it hopefully we help a lot more people uh for all this who all those people that are watching this on the replay later on um please click on subscribe to coach monaco's channel so you can get all the new videos that go on every week and also please like the video so it gets more uh more vision out there um again mata is one lake was top therapist we wanted to bring it back to the second time uh not a lot of people come back the second time we try not to do doubles but if you're so good you gotta come back so uh i'm happy came back the reason why the show happened um is matas actually reached out to me a little bit over a month ago maybe about a month and a half ago he told me that he was publishing a book in april um we discussed it and we both felt it would be a tremendous help uh for everybody who comes to the chair to to listen to some of the you know many years of matisse's experience of dealing with children and adults and um and i think the book again we're going to talk about the book and get into it but some of the techniques in the book are very helpful not only for the emotional sense of the child and not only for the you know the child that's so uncontrollable but i think it's really really really applicable for all children and we obviously take what we need from it and there's going to be a whole follow-up afterwards which matas will explain more in detail how we could uh continue and follow along with him and again last week we had a break it was kind of vacation so i thought it was very apropos to start with this as everybody took their children to the hanukkah parties and all the hanukkah trips and all the kids were melting down i was thinking wow next week is going to be perfect to talk about this with matas so that's great and i want to thank again all our sponsors the liquid scoop for everybody pushing us here in lakewood and during the lake of crowd i want to thank robbie and zach for always promoting this on their platforms kazakh offers programming for all special thank you to kyla calf and shmuel summer from jcn the jewish content network for always promoting us digitally across all platforms succeed we always have a tremendous amount of people here we really appreciate that for them next sunday we are going to have an amazing share i cannot announce it yet because not all the details have been confirmed so i i have to hold myself back but i think it's going to be an amazing program again anybody's here please trust me come back next week it's going to be something amazing let's start off with the opening statement from my host coach monaco take it away osha you did it again wow we're not even open for four minutes and what you packed in the past four minutes there is so much going on so thank you for that so welcome everyone welcome back i hope you all had a nice uh hanukkah vacation and enjoyed every moment of it many like like asha mentioned um he got a lot of calls and i think tonight's topic will be very very uh applicable because of the past year of corona there's a lot of changes with the kids at home or the structure is not the same and like you said chanukah you're talking about parties presents going into the car the whole family and if anybody is sensitive it automatically changes dynamics things happen so tonight's topic parenting the emotional sensitive emotionally sensitive impulsive child many times when people seek help they hear different opinions they go to one place and people tell them you have to be firm you have to know what you want the kid should know that you're not going to let go others tell you you have to understand the child you have to listen to the child and go back and forth you're not sure what to do and no kid is the same and no parent is the same everybody is different and the dynamics between the the parent and the child obviously you see different results so even if you're maxillar and you had um by one and then with the other one you're trying to do the same thing and it's not working and when a kid is really sensitive with whatever is going on it can be really really really confusing so bach hashem i am excited tonight that we have with us someone a red mata smiler who deals with this and he's been dealing with this for a while and uh finally bark hashem he is coming out with the manual that everybody is looking for and um i'll tell you the truth i skimmed through the book and like usher mentioned before the concepts in the book are basically really for every kind of relationship if you have to deal with anybody it could be at work be a spouse it can be in shul if you have to deal with them obviously sometimes you can walk away if it's not working out you just walk away but sometimes you just have to deal with these people and to learn how to and to understand the other side to get along to work things out it's really it applies to any any relationship that you really need to have they can't just walk away so and and the concepts the claw over there is very interesting like we'll hear the dialectic um uh mata still he'll give the them to understand more what it is but one example that he says in the book is you're all doing the best you can and you can do better it's like we're not used to hearing in the same sentence you're telling me i did you know you're trying to make me feel good so you're telling me i'm doing the best i can but i can do better but i guess we'll hear much more tonight about the electrics and to understand hopefully we'll be able to get some concepts um techniques and i'll tell you the truth sometimes when you hear mata speak it could sound a little bit like okay but the truth is these things you do have to back up and hear these concepts to be able to change to be able to implement to understand and those who are running and don't have time i i feel bad i'm happy that you're here with us tonight but these things really there are things that we have to change obviously there are things that you don't like the way it is and hopefully we'll be able to take out with you take up some concepts and things should get a little bit easier and then with the book we'll be able to learn much more thank you very much thank you thank you thank you one second thank you coach i appreciate that again tonight cheer was sponsored by one of our weekly members um who actually reached out to me we wanted to be part of it and help out this is really learning tonight this is almost 350 people here i might have a lot more coming and the trip thousands will watch it everybody together on maine foreign tonight's also learning uh our founding one of our family members his father's yard sites this week his father's name was really uh one of our founding guys helping us every week get some big names and uh he's part of the next week's surprise so i'm waiting for you to confirm already come on let's go stop fliffing all right i'm gonna read a little bio for uh forever this anybody doesn't know who he is um mata smiler he has a lot of titles over here you can look them up lcsw act dbt lbct and probably a lot more he's the founding director of the certified cognitive behavioral therapist as the founder director and supervisor of the center for the cognitive and behavioral therapy of new jersey mattis miller is a licensed clinical social worker and certified cognitive behavioral therapist with over 15 years of experience his impressive educational and training background includes certifications in cbt for the academy of cognitive therapy with the bec institute for cognitive behavioral therapy matas has also been awarded the newly developed certification for the dbt linhan board of certification and dialectical behavioral therapy which is probably somewhat in the book i'm going to assume his expertise in cbt and intensive training in dbt and the shema therapy compel them to found the center and the select the finest therapist to complete his team mata specializes in severe emotional and personality disorders insomnia and anxiety and teens and adults he is a seasoned lecturer on cbt and dbt related topics addressing parents clients and professionals and is presently presently focused primarily on supervision education and consultation and now became a publisher so hermatis the floor is yours and i can ask you one question and before we did this i i know you wrote a book so can you tell us the reason why you wrote the book besides to make the millions of dollars floor is yours well let me start by you asher and ahm thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to come here again as you said i was one of the founding speakers it's incredible what you guys accomplished i mean from you know one week to the next you know bringing on i'm not talking about myself but you know really world-renowned speakers topics that are stimulating and engaging and i i've heard feedback from many people about what you've accomplished and i have to say in the onset i was like you know what is this where is it going um but really taking what's going on now and kovit and giving people an opportunity to learn and give educate them and help them and uh you should just have continued on this incredible endeavor that you've done together so um why did i write the book um besides the million dollars no that's not really why i wrote the book but of course you know if it's successful that that would be nice i wrote the book because um i i i do lots of consultations i meet with parents i meet with children uh i often get requests for um books book recommendations or if i can't be effective or i can't help them at that time um and i felt there was a lacking i felt that a lot of as menachem mentioned earlier there's a lot of material out there that talks about discipline and shaping behavior using consequences punishment being consistent which is certainly important and a lot of those techniques are are needed and then there are other books that are focused on emotions and validation and you know encouraging relationship and attachment and security and connection and trust and parenting also essential um but what was i felt was missing was the synthesis of the two um and dialectical behavioral therapy and dialectics really uh highlights that idea that we can have two ideas and we can incorporate both those ideas together i also felt that a lot of even the books that there were they were limited in their skills one or two topics and limited in their examples so i felt it would be very helpful to give parents a very very step-by-step instructions with very very clear directions on specific concrete skills and how they can implement them and give them loads of examples that are very practical and case examples so they can relate to it and then try it um but i think you know as usher mentioned and and mentioned um you know the dialectical concept but let me let me just the brief introduction before we jump in i'm looking forward to taking lots of questions parenting is hard it's really hard and and it's something that you know it's a gift and and we appreciate the idea that we those of us that have children and we're blessed with children but it's it's a struggle um and none of us i mean i could speak for myself are perfect at it if my children are here watching they can attest to that um you know at the same time you know we we all work on on growing and and that journey and becoming better and better at what we do um and therefore i think that because of that struggle very often we are looking for resources we're looking for help uh unfortunately we sometimes end up judging ourselves that we're terrible we're a terrible parent we're terrible dad we're a type of mom um we're judgmental of our children we get hopeless and i think it's really important before we even have this discussion tonight and discuss the book is you know i wrote the manual and i didn't write the manual because there is no manual and i think if anyone's going to tell you we wouldn't have this discussion as i was saying to us before we wouldn't have discussion if there was a manual we weren't even talking about this topic it wouldn't be such a hot topic because everyone would just open up the manual and you know get the directions for each of the different children but children are complex we're as humans were complex hashem created us in ways with many different parts and personalities and character so there is no manual at the same time there is a manual what i mean is and there's our dialectic which i'll just describe soon is that there are evidence-based research-based techniques and skills that we have learned over years um many of them actually are ideas that are you know firmly based in torah and kapha but there are many many uh techniques that we know that can improve our interactions with children and help them um but they're not all foolproof they're not all effective um and that's really what the book focuses on a lot is the idea of balance um and that it's finding the balance and it's finding what works for each child and being effective so what is this dialectics it's a big word that's for sure um and the truth is i never heard of it until i learned dialectical behavioral therapy dialectics the root of the word is dialogue and the idea of dialects dialectics are there can be two ideas concepts that can be completely opposite or appear opposite and both be true at the same time and through the strategies of being dialectical and having dialogue with the two opposites the tension of the two actually over time leads to understanding leads to truth leads to clarity so if i take my two two fingers to pick something up the tension of the two is going to be more effective than trying to lift up something with one finger is that we want to use the opposites and i think in parenting is full of dialectics i mean the world is built on opposites but let's talk about parenting the key is acceptance and change right because we want to accept our child who they are as they are we want to appreciate them love them at the same time we also want to change them often we want to help them develop to be healthy individuals and to interact with the world in in an effective and helpful healthful way so we want to balance that constantly accepting them as is what malcolm said you're doing the best you can and you also need to figure out how to be a better parent but if i don't get it if i'm doing the best i can how do i have to be a better parent or if i'm the best parent than what i have the best i can and the idea is you can't we don't always have exact clarity of that but we're opening our minds to getting stuck to the idea that in this moment we're doing the best we can and we have to accept ourselves and our children while at the same time trying to move towards change and dialectics is really about moving away from extremes opening our minds seeing ourselves and our children in a whole different light letting go of judgment embrace embracing change as a constant and and i know i'm throwing out a lot of verbiage and ideas and it's okay we're not going to get into it i think once we get into the questions sort of bring out how we can strategies that can help us be more dialectical so really a lot of parenting a child who's emotionally sensitive or impulsive or really any uncontrollable child because i think all our children and adults have some uncontrollability um is is about uh finding you know finding that balance and sometimes it's more on the acceptance sometimes it's more on the change so i see a lot of you are you know throwing some questions out there which i i look forward to getting so in in in the book that's really uh what i focused on is that no matter what techniques you come along with or you've learned maybe you're not using them in the right way maybe you're moving on more one extreme than another extreme um and in in in the book we just moved from this idea of acceptance mindfulness validation to more change strategies and finding the balance with limits with consistency with family and so on and so forth um so with that that's a little bit about what i why i wrote the book and a little bit about the concept of dialectics i'm going to throw it back to you asher and let's jump in okay so tonight we're going to do a few interesting things we're going to start first title for the poll as usual just get people in the active we have a few examples we're going to role play i think it's you know we took some basic examples that are probably you know relevant to most people here so um let's start first with the poll just get people into it okay here we go matas you could also answer how often does your child have outburst true enough i think the first answer means a lot the second answer is once a day the third answer is once a week and the fourth answer is randomly once in two months whatever it is i think the first one means just too much that's the right answer not to enough okay the second question what do you feel about this what do you feel about the situation you a gave up b struggling to find some solutions c i'm exhausted and frustrated the guilty what did i do wrong to have such a child so again the two questions how often do you does your child have outbursts and what do you feel about the situation i'll give you five seconds to answer matthews you could see the answers coming in nobody else could see it now we'll share with everybody not there's 450 people here for you tonight thank you actually that might have together okay five four three two one okay let's share the results so 39 of people feel the children are having too much outburst so obviously there are people that are coming here that are very negative tonight which we're happy uh 27 people say once a day 11 say once a week and 24 say randomly what do you feel about the situation four percent gave up 56 the winner struggling to find some solutions we're happy that you came here tonight at least maybe matas could uh start gearing you in the right direction 31 are exhausted and frustrated and 10 guilty what did i do wrong i i just want to add it it could be you have all those things at the same time uh so uh it does it could be parts of different times okay so let's start off with with with a few emails that we got i think that some of them are very relevant um i would like people to ask live questions over here this mathis wants it to be live we we we try to make it the most interactive as possible i try to cut down everybody's opening we're not looking for the speeches we're looking to get the help and understand it um i'm gonna take some examples over here that got emailed to us and we'll start with that okay the first question they got emailed to us i'm looking forward to listening in tonight my question is it is relevant to the 17 year old or there's something you recommend i do i'm saying i because the child is not interested in going for help but claims that if the situation would be different the overreaction wouldn't have happened i explained to the child that whatever the other person has done may be wrong but the child needs to be able to control oneself even if other people do things wrong to them that triggers mike the child to say i am not talking about this again because this discussion is getting me angry i would greatly appreciate if you could address the question so i may help my child overcome anger whatever the cause okay so there's a lot here um i think the first thing we have to think about is and this is a really important idea or concept that might throw you off is that she should be walking away she should absolutely be walking away and you might think like what do you mean she should be walking away what i mean by should doesn't mean that you want it that way or you approve but there is a cause and a reason why she's walking away so in other words if she's in that situation and you're bringing up something that's uncomfortable or she doesn't want to talk about and the reason why i say that is because when we have these ideas and shoulds when we look at our children that leads to lack of acceptance it's where we're putting our own interpretation or expectation on how our child should react so if you think about it probably makes sense every time you have this conversation about her behavior she's walking away she's uncomfortable and and she should continue to do that exactly as she is until there is change and this is a very important concept i think when we talk about dialectics and acceptance is everything is as it should be what what's the purpose what's the function of us thinking like that because if you look at it that way that takes away some of the frustration or what's wrong with her i mean come on she should be having this conversation with me of course she's so the answer is no she shouldn't because whatever reasons the other thing is in the question i explained to the child that whatever the other person has done may be wrong but the child needs to be able to control oneself even if other people do things that are wrong keyword but but is an anti-dialectical word and the way we think about it is so in other words let's say we took the word but and we put the word and i explained to my child that whatever the other person has done may be wrong and at the same time you need to figure out how to control yourself in that situation and that's really important because i am noticing this question the reason why i brought up the shoulds and the butt is that perhaps and i don't know the individual and it's very very hard and if you're here you can speak out is that there is a feeling of judgment and invalidation in that interaction not acknowledging again that the child uh you know someone did that they feel validated that they did something wrong and so you say but not that the other person did something wrong as soon as they but you invalidate their first statement um and that can really really affect the interaction and perhaps come their child the 17 year old could feel the judgment they could feel like you're not understanding they could feel like you're pushing them away you just want to lecture me um so that that's a point that i think it's really important and i'd love other people to come in at some point and ask about that um we can't change other people right and you can't change your teenager you could possibly influence them as you said you know we say eyes maybe what i could do um so firstly is you always have the option there are really four options really in almost every situation that we have okay option one is if you could change the situation fix it if you could have a discussion with her and just say oh mommy oh okay i'm gonna really work on this great but obviously that's not happening two is you could change how you feel about it and maybe think about the child in a different way understand where they're coming from three is to accept them to be able to accept where they are in the situation even though it's painful and four is to stay miserable and to just be unhappy and be willful and be angry which is obviously not going to help the relationship so um that you know that's that's just really important to understand as far as your interactions uh with your child so what could you say to her well i would tell you if you would start with some i'm wondering some real validation where you can and there's different strategies and skills to really get to a point where you're 17 year old really really feels like you truly understand her perspective you understand the kernel of truth you understand her valid reality you help her understand that you know this is i get it people are doing things and they are you know you it's understandable that you're reacting in the way you're reacting and it's not nice what they're doing and then once you validation actually helps regulate emotion it helps feel them feel understood and connected which may move them more to be open to the ideas of change that's one thing the other thing is if it's a really out of control behavior i'm not sure exactly what's going on here um i'm just curious are there consequences um for that behavior uh is the is is the seventh-year-old just able to do what they do um and you know get upset at the person and you know scream and yell or be physical and they're just able to get away with it then they should again continue they should continue that same behavior any any i would love some back and forth on this uh anyone have any thoughts or questions regarding let me let me let me just jump in when do the parents do this with the child usually it's the the tension is not gonna let this happen you know logically it sounds very good you have the steps and we're gonna learn a lot tonight but when exactly should they sit down and talk about it well you know it all depends on the level of the intensity of emotion obviously i'm not going to be right if they're middle of the high emotion and it's the key word here is throughout is effective does it work it's not about wrong or right or using this technique or not but if it's not working of course don't continue doing it but if the emotion let's say there's a 0-100 and let's say your daughter's emotion is at 20 30 perhaps you could have that interaction with her you know and you sit down with her but perhaps your emotion is too high and the parents need to be mindful and aware of their own emotions because one of the functions among emotions is to communicate to the other person and if the child senses that you're disappointed or frustrated they will shut down so they're you're right having a conversation is about the right time you know you're not going to have it in the kitchen where all the other kids are around and start have a conversation because that's going to lead to shame by or you know or other emotions so it's about knowing your emotional place knowing where the child is and trying to have that conversation trying to help them that you validate and understand their perspective now they might walk away and say i don't care tell them to change and that's okay too you know um now again can you try other techniques to change perhaps or perhaps at 17 years old you me you might need to stop fighting that reality except this is where she's at right now that doesn't mean you can't change eventually but is it helpful to keep pushing at her well it's not the other people even if they're overreacting you don't like people overreact you can't just act this way that conversation is just going to lead to more attention and more difficulties than parent-to-child relationship and we need to accept the realities of where our children are in every at every time let me ask you if the parents every time they sit down after one after a minute they get emotionally disregulated which book should they read um you know again i i would think that there there are helpful books on regulating your own emotions i do talk about it somewhat in this book but i think it's really important that they be very in touch and aware of their own emotions and use techniques and skills to soothe themselves prior to having an interaction we know from research into personal interactions dude are not effective and don't work when emotion is high i mean we know this we know this in our marriage we know this in anything if you if your emotions are too high you're not you're going to act in an emotional mind you're going to act on an emotional urge um and that's going to come across okay at the same time it's okay to have some emotions emotions are there for function it's okay that your child sees some frustration or some hurt or that the child is feeling emotions and makes space for that too hey mathis i want to jump in here because we have a lot of pending live questions so let's try to really get a move on it um let's start with one role play i think it'll be fun for everybody and to get a concept and then we'll jump to some live questions okay a lot of people are texting you want to know the name of the book on the website can you just clarify because i wasn't so clear about it sure um it's the uncontrollablechild.com the name of the book is the uncontrollable child um you can go onto the website there are links there uh to many different sites where you could pre-order the book and then if you put your invoice receipt number into the website um there will be zoom meetings book tours bonuses and so on and so forth let's get real with mathis miller right i'm not going to take away okay let's do the first let's do the first role play um i'm gonna anoint you to be the the cranky terrible thank you be uh be a stable healthy parent show us what it's all about we're gonna do it and i want everybody to guess if this is the right method or the wrong method already this is the scenario child come child comes home from school oh sure i'm the parent i'm just right correct he's the child you're the parent and he's and he's the the you have to figure it out and we're gonna you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna play it out how it should be and we're going to guess if that's the right method of the wrong method so you could do either right or wrong so we could relate to us the child comes home from school and runs in the kitchen opens the pots and doesn't like the supper throws a huge tantrum screaming at the mother throwing objects acting completely crazy baby what's the supper what's for supper what's the supper you make chicken again chicken again for supper i told you to not to make chicken eye every time i tell you not to make chicken he made chicken again this is this functional this is crazy right you want to make chicken again i i didn't eat salt broccoli lunch i didn't eat breakfast i need to eat hold on a second why did you make chicken like didn't you tell tell me the last three nights what you wanted and i know you did it you made exactly what i tell every time i tell you not to make chicken and i can't take it anymore yeah you tell you tell me the same thing every time you kill every time i kind of want to see basically in life not everyone is going to give you i don't want to hear what you're not gonna get everything exactly one we made something another other people like us i'm not i'm not you're about other people i'm not around anymore dude i'm in my room i'm in my room i'm not around anymore if you got this okay was that the right method or is that the wrong method was that the right method how we dealt with it are you asking me i didn't like it mathis is that the correct method the way we supposed to do it i wouldn't suggest that okay let's try let's see the right method did you recorded it replay this time she made broccoli what's what's up what mommy what do you what do you make chicken again chicken why did you make chicken i told you not to make chicken you told me you're not going to make chicken yesterday every time you make the same supper i can't take it anymore i didn't eat the lunch i didn't need breakfast and this is crazy dysfunctional i can't have this meishi you are really i don't want to have chicken chicken i told you many times i can't talk to you about this i do not want chicken i see you and this is crazy i don't know what i'm going to do could you make something else tonight could you make it now she i see you're pretty mad you please make something else now because i know and tell me if i'm right you really i don't i i every time anybody every time you say the same thing today that was every time i say i can't i'm so hungry what should i eat you must be starving you must be starving and what happened by lunch what did they have today chicken mommy you do this every time you want to talk about lunch i need supper okay i listen i hear you and it's really upset especially if you have lunch you're starting you want and you want chicken i get it at the same time this is what we're having you don't want chicken but we're having chicken tonight and it's just it is what it is if you don't think about me you know i don't like chicken you don't like me that's this is what you're doing but tonight we're gonna have chicken yeah you're doing good for yankee and for mushy and for me nothing tonight we're gonna have chicken that's what we're having tonight and i know that's hard for you but that's what we're gonna be having what are you going to make for me tonight now you know you know the rule is you can either have chicken or you can go ahead there's some bread in the freezer you want to make yourself some toast you want some cheese that's that's an option i know this is really upsetting for you can you explain what you did now except second exactly yeah so you know he was talking a lot he was talking to lobby i couldn't get an edge in there but obviously i'm keeping myself regulated okay um which is very very important as i talked about which is hard you know here you got this one's crying this one's screaming that you know you have to be aware of your own emotional experiences number two is i validate it you know i i for a moment i took a step back before i started back and got into this power struggle that i get it you don't like this you don't want this you had a hard day you know and again you saw perhaps his screaming intensity now he was still going off oh i don't want this velvet i don't want to hear you know he might have did some of that but you saw a decrease in that the next thing was is where i started to completely ignore the inappropriate behaviors i could easily got caught up in that oh yankee i said yankee you know how many times i make things for you why are you bringing up yankee right i could have easily gone back in that power struggle but i stayed mindful and i focused um the other thing is i use the broken record i just said this is what is you know and that's helps you keep regulate regulated is where you say the same thing again and again and again without getting caught up in that whole interaction so there are a lot of different skills there you know and then if he screamed and he went and he left on then i would and would scream and yell and stamp up to his room and i hate this house and i hate you and i wish you would die at that point i would just ignore the behavior i would say you young man you come back right here you don't talk to me like that right because that's good he he didn't get what he wanted i put in that you know i was clear i was assertive i maintained the limit i told him what options he has maybe i would do some problem solving with him but it sound like it wasn't he didn't want problem solving he wanted to do what he wanted to do so at that point he'll go up to this room and he'll calm down and he will he will have the natural consequence if he doesn't eat you know maybe when he calms down i'll check in him again and say you know do you want to come down now um but yeah there's those were some skills that i threw in there okay we got the first concept we have more live role plays so we'll get to that soon we have a bunch of questions uh let's take some live ones now um you're on mulkey hi hi okay so i'm a single mom i have a 12 and a half and a half year old adhd son um he gets out of control a lot more than menachem did now he would actually throw stuff not be so calm now i'm trying to be positive to look away a lot not to realize everything that he's doing but sometimes i just can't handle it and most of the time it's when bothers me is when he hits the other kids or he breaks the house that's when i like i i'm trying to find a way like how could i stop it no it's an excellent question i think a lot of people struggle with exactly that and it sounds like on the on the one end you're trying really hard to ignore the behaviors you can ignore but when he's harming someone else or damaging property it's very very difficult to ignore that so my first question to you is malcolm what happens when he breaks something in the house um lately i just usually i ignore it because he's so mad at this point that i just try to go in a room or go somewhere else not to be around him and then later i tried to go to him and ask him like why he did that and what he like what he gained from doing that like did you get your goods up right now that the cabinet is broken or right so like yeah so two things so when you have this conversation with him later he probably says oh my you're right now i get it i probably shouldn't get so angry because i break the cabinets right is that right right and then he's going to try to fix it the next day my point is i'm being sarcastic like we have these conversations with our children right he's having these strong urges he's not saying oh thanks mom i don't realize that next time i'll be better right usually that's not either sometimes he is like this he actually regrets it later okay so we'll address that second so we'll get to that well that's really important because you see that sometimes the urge is so powerful in the moment the anger is so intense that he actually should be doing what he's doing as i said to you before because that is so intense and he can't change however you have a problem okay now usually having conversations with him is not necessarily gonna address the issue so if the anger and the urge is so intense if he's obviously open to learning skills to address his you know to calm himself down um obviously you know that would be most effective whether he goes to therapy or learns different techniques to deal with is you know medication is not being effective per se and he wants to try something else the other thing is is you know let's say he has there is a consequence and then it sounds like you know those aren't i don't really have honestly i don't really have consequences because i don't know what is a good consequence i never want to be too strict well excellent i love this question because i get this all the time and i talk about to say you know people don't realize is there we are giving our children tremendous privileges all the time so i don't know your 21 year old i don't know if he's ever getting the car or if he's ever um you know uh he's a 12 year old he's a 12. 12 year old 12 year old yeah so even more so uh his 12 year old child there are a lot of privileges but if it's 12 year old child i would tell you like this on a few ends you know first of all you obviously don't want to be punitive to a child if they don't have the ability they don't you have to be very careful and finding the right consequence is the skill in itself what's the consequence that's closest to behavior that's appropriate so on and so forth but you want to make sure that he has an alternative behavior that he knows how to use because right now habitually he's on a path anger break cabinet okay so we have to stop that process now when you want to help with motivation and changing behavior obviously you want to you rather work with the positive positive is always best so if you can come up with some behavioral plan of some sort targeting this specific you know behavior and i go through that in the book and breaking this down but you'd have to identify that behavior and then you would actually find appropriate consequences now the concept the rewards awards have to be meaningful appropriate um and then every time they would actually use their other alternative skill as opposed to breaking the cabinet you would actually provide that reinforcer reward and you would actually go from intrinsic to extrinsic motivation by actually not just building the fact oh here's a reward but actually but wow it was incredible i saw how mad you were and you were able to conquer that and use that skill you know here's your reward that was amazing you know put it on your chart here's a token one we're on the way so using positive reinforcement is great now when he does it when he actually if it's something meaningful and he actually you have it built into place the other thing sometimes consequence or punishment sometimes is we don't want to necessarily go there as often but what we know is is that there is a place for that i i think the whole idea of dialect is we're not going to stream but punishment is needed there's research that's very kids who never get consequences or you know they don't grow up with being able to you know have self uh limits or self regulation because everything is permissive permissive parenting is shown to not be effective but punitive parenting is not effective either i'm being very very harsh so it's finding that balance in a very very loving way so maybe perhaps he broke the cabinet he needs to fix the cabinet or perhaps he needs he won't get his allowance this week because it will go towards the cabinet but again we also want to have a conversation with him what could you do instead next time your sister makes that comment you can go to your room you can try to relax yourself you can go on your bike you can have a a box in your room a different music or different things to help you know validating the emotion but giving them other skills at the same time to be able to do am i is that being helpful am i clear muted um okay sorry to do this next um we have about seven pending questions about this that we want to ask live but we have a rule on the show you know how the rule goes do you know the rule did i tell you the rule before you came on no i don't remember it looked like lost the rule is that if you were ever on before you get to demon before everybody else somebody who was on before wants to go on live so let's put them on you ready how are you oh wow wow okay special guest dr madeline i i missed the opening of this conversation but i had the privilege of actually reading the book so we got a preview of all and endorsing it thank you i only endorsed it because i read it once i can post before you continue anybody who doesn't know this is dr man the money was on one of our shows he uh is one of the biggest clinicians how do you say it the diagnosis and uh basically you know from networks so um continue sorry just in case nobody knows who you are so what do they miss what did you miss uh you missed basically the matas wrote the manual had a parent all all kids and uh after you read the book you're good to go is that correct he's being anti-dialectical yeah so what did i miss what was it what was that the conversation that went down we were just having a conversation about the uh child with adhd um who breaks property uh is highly impulsive and then you know how could we get him to stop that behavior and mom would go to him after when he calms down and have a conversation about what he did i was trying to explain that those conversations are usually not very effective um and that really why might that be yeah but using other strategies obviously medication if that works but using other behavioral strategies to help them either through positive reinforcement or consequences and how to do that in an effective way if it works if it's not working stop it and figure out what's going on what's wrong don't continue to do it any technique or intervention that's just leading to more problems and tension and learning to readjust yes that also becomes part of the dialect change is constant exactly and embracing the dynamic process as you state that's right when should a and bring the trial to dr mangelman only for the diagnostic math this actually does the treatment part of it okay let's go to live questions we have like seven pending so i'm going to go to the next one okay dr mannerman go for it it's mata social schrager let's go hello thank you hello matus hello dr mandelman um try to be brief with this question my son has done a lot of hard work over the years to become aware of his uh strong emotional reactions to perceived and real criticism from adults he's a very sensitive uh boy he's 12 years old his perception of reality has done a almost 180 180 in the positive direction and one of the main issues um right now that he that we're dealing with in school is that you know in the school does does work hard to try to work with him but no matter how often um we do work with the school you know very often times there will be teachers that aren't able to speak to him in a non-emotional way and that times that brings out a strong reaction from my son so my question is at this point i'm a very isolated question how do i deal with discrepancies between his story and the teacher's story i see how hard he's trying and i don't want to discourage him by defending the teachers if i it's very likely that they are making mistake i do want it to hold him accountable and he's done a good job of accepting that accountability but i feel like we're at a certain point where he's really doing his part most of the time and it's possible that the teachers are not yeah no it's a very complicated question an important question firstly i'm sure you've done this and it's also skillfully being able to call the teachers um and certainly invalidating them the struggle the difficulty having him in the classroom knowing what he's like um getting their defensiveness down and often when they're less defensive and less emotional they're more open to listening to different strategies or ideas and say you know this is something we're doing at home that's really effective maybe we can collaborate work together if if teachers don't feel attacked if they feel that you're there to work with them and help them and you're understanding that could be really helpful right i feel like that that could take care of 90 of it but the could still be pretty pretty significant and often that doesn't take care of 90 because often you know people are people teachers are teachers and they're not very responsive um as far as you know the key in the communication is you know you can validate your son's now if you know something a teacher is doing something really wrong you know validation doesn't mean you're not you're not gonna validate what's invalid you know you're not going to what what's not true or what's not appropriate so you're not going to say the teachers oh that's understandable this teacher runs the classroom you know if a teacher screams at a kid and throws a book at them you're going to tell the child no that was not okay um but but there are nuances there is there's between so if you actually can give me so i can actually show you how i would do that an example of what your child might say where you want to validate him at the same time you don't want to you know give this negative message regarding the school can you just explain that question one more time i'm sorry oh i i my understanding is yeah well you wanted me to give an example of what an example of where your child would come to you and complain about the school and you know that there's something that they're doing that's not so effective and he's trying and you want to validate him but you don't want to give him that negative message about this school because i understood that was the question so i guess an example could be um if he's getting distracted and if he's trying to do his work and maybe he's getting distracted by you know other kids in the class and he's trying really hard but you know it could be you know something that he has worked very hard on um but the teacher will often will will lump him into the group that maybe is not behaving and he'll sometimes have to deal with the consequence for that and his sense of uh being right and unjustness is you know he feels very strongly about it um so i guess they had how to deal with like that type of situation i want you to be him for a second let's do some role play so i can get a sense of him um could you give me your first name any first name could we we'll call you maishiv that's fine should i name straga shraga okay so um so you're you're your child you're coming to me you're schrage you're coming to me i'm the parent okay um so you start with your complaint let's do this quick let's do a little role play teacher was so unfair to me today you know i'm trying to do my work i've been trying so hard and i asked the switch to switch my seat and these kids keep on you know they get distracting and and always me me be just because you know i have my history you know i'm the one that gets sent to the principal's office sean first of all i want to tell you you're doing amazing school mommy and obviously how hard you're working or tati and it's incredible it's incredible and it we know it's harder for you than other kids and you get easily distracted and you're still it's you you've done this crazy turnaround and and we are so impressed and you know being in school is hard and sometimes you know you get with a group of kids or you get distracted and the teacher has to run the classroom and you get sucked up into that and and it's hurtful and it's painful and we hear that and but you're you're going on a good path so keep that up you know i was definitely we see there's less of that than before overall this teacher i know you've learned some good stuff in that class and you really you really like him you like hers she's a really good teacher but um you know i think if you just continue on that path because sometimes that happens in classrooms you know and and it's really there's a part of it that's true that's not fair because some of those other kids when they talk and stuff they don't have the struggle that you have um and you do get lumped together and that's difficult but we're proud of you so keep it up and if it gets really bad you could always come and keep talking to me about it so it's more of just like this is you know life without saying that you know as strong the reality i mean what you're telling me is that this is this is life and like sort of just help him validate this is a hard experience and like let's move on again if effective if he's going to respond i'm validating him i'm helping i'm naming his emotions for him i'm acknowledging the work that he's doing i'm also saying is is that you know not just like it's part of life but i'm describing and i'm being aware that you know there are complications going on in a classroom that makes sometimes difficult to understand that perspective at the same time not saying that i'm acknowledging it's not always so fair because he is putting greater effort so you're siding with him but you're not putting the negative on the teacher again if the teacher was really doing something inappropriate that might be a different type of discussion okay thank you very much okay your mouth is what about actually teaching to get some of the stress tolerance within that conversation understanding that that yeah you're going to have to use those skills despite the fact that it isn't fair yeah so what i understand from shaggy's question that is that he's the boy has done a tremendous amount of work and he's already made a lot a lot of gains um and that he is using those skills and there's still some times that he's still getting caught up so i wouldn't admit perhaps i don't know the situation i could suggest the skill but i also wouldn't want him to make him feel if he's doing all this work well you got to work harder you got to do i have a question about working hard but when you're you're going to have to like not just like what you're saying before yeah this is real life real life is tough no but this is going to be something in the course of interacting with people that are they're going i think i think if there's an encounter what skill can it be teaching yeah i think that if there's an opportunity to i think by the way the fact that he's actually coming home communicating with you expressing open in a ways is a healthy way of him trying to express and regulate his emotion but i do agree that if he's in the classroom and he's got those urges or he's feeling distressed in general or he's coming home distressed like he's saying because of what happened giving him some tools and skills what are you telling the kid what skill would i tell him to yeah he comes home he throws the mapstick down he's the teacher's an idiot came after me and sent me to the principal's office for no reason everyone's out to get me i'm working so hard i'm doing so much better what do they want from my life they're all miserable what are you what am i doing so what i would see from there is that probably that's not a good time to have that conversation period his emotions would be too high to even have a conversation where you can help him understand and process into his motion in that case i would tell him you know what i want to talk to you about this soon you just came home clearly have a rough day what can you do right now what are some of the things you do people are texting i just want to read that's when is the the ideal time to have these conversations you know i'm going to be again i know you're going to hate it dislike this but everything i'm going to say is it's a dialectic it's knowing that recipe for that child because every child is different and you're going to have to learn and be mindful of yourself and the child's nose at the same time there are general guidelines you know when there's low stimulation in the environment you know not around other kids when you see the child's emotion is down not when they're stuck like you you know dr man was saying when he's come on i hate this school stupid i'm not that's not a time you're going to have a conversation so if you want to think between 0 to 30 on a monitor of motion 0 to 100 i would say that's the time frame that's the appropriate time to have a conversation like that but you know your child and you know yourself um it's also nice very often to do it over a positive time a game having a snack together some quiet time you know where the child feels the positive connection and they're going to be more receptive but again going back to i don't want to lose dr mandela's point and you can suggest you know go to as i said before he can go to his room listen to some music go on his bike a little bit um you know uh go play some ball um you know call a friend you know do some distractions some distress tolerance and then come back and then we could work on problem solving regulating emotion identifying your emotion expressing emotion which can help regulate let's go to the next question we have a lot of questions i feel like we got to cover more ground okay next you're on hi hi okay so i want to go back a little bit to the first question really talk a little bit lower your mic is very loud so talk a little bit on the lower tone if you don't mind oh you got that thank you so i really just wanted to go back to the first question where the woman was describing the son who comes home and his throat you know he's throwing things um i hear the mahala in the big picture and i and i um complete you know like with our son we're sending him to therapy to try to give him better tools but my question is while it's happening and people are being hurt um or he's doing something dangerous and my kids could get really dangerous what do i do then like the only thing that has ever worked for us is to physically hold them down and that's draining and the older it gets the more draining it is it's not something that could continue but in the big picture i do think it's getting better but it still happens and it happens way too often and it's not something i could just write out if i can i do yeah i i'm going to respond to that it's an excellent question sometimes when it comes towards harming other people right that you might need to do that type of intervention and and you embrace change over time but again you you want to also be addressing teaching other skills for the child at the same time or as i talk about using reinforcement strategies catching the child when they are doing good or putting in behavioral trials or contracts but if the child is going to go ahead and and hurt the other child children you remove those children from the environment you bring them to a different place um to protect those other i've seen many cases like that um sometimes the parent is not strong enough and removing themselves from this situation completely because safety is first or calling for help if it's really really bad so of course there's always as i said there's a place for everything and you have to know the context but again if you can work with the child obviously addressing their underlying pain or putting in sort of rewards or a positive reinforcement um you know those things are overall helpful and effective but if you're in the moment and your child's about to do something that's very dangerous you need to hold them back now that's assuming that they're going to do that um you know if you could remove yourself first that might be better okay next live here we go you're you're on okay hi hi hi thank you so um um okay the question goes like this how do we accept a child who comes out you know the maha of the generation right now there's a lot of things out there in the world that they learn from books or online or whatever and they come out and they struggle as a teenager 13 years old they're struggling with the self-image and they come out as sexual orientation transgender whatever they're dealing with so as a parent you know we want to be supportive we understand their struggle but we don't agree with them so how do we dialectically go through this no it's an excellent question and again a very deep and difficult question and painful question on a lot of levels um first of all one of the key things about acceptance um in accepting a child acceptance does not mean approval and i think that's really important is that when you're accepting you're you're accepting the reality of this situation that doesn't mean you're saying to your aisle that you approve that reality of the situation but you're accepting because you know trying to push towards change is just not effective how do you accept i mean that takes a lot of work and and i do break it down in different skills and you know by looking looking when you're fighting acceptance looking at causes making meaning embracing change looking at pros and cons trying to connect to other positive aspects of your child and sometimes you know your child will engage in babies that you'll have to make choices that you'll you know sometimes we have to ask a child to leave a home or you know in more significant situations that doesn't mean you don't accept the situation and acknowledge the sadness analogs and pain and that doesn't mean you don't um love them unconditionally one has nothing to do with another so you can accept work on i should say you know to radically accept where they are that but by no means that's approval it's just acceptance of the reality of what is i don't know if you hear that distinction but it's accepting what is not what you want it to be and not saying even validation is you're not you're not saying it's okay am i being clear yeah yeah not easy yeah not easy it's not no okay no no and you should have i'm just giving you the strength to i just want to throw in does do they go straight to the acceptance as radical acceptance um just for a parent to be aware of their own emotions when these things come up automatically they have to go through the process of anger and who knows what yeah until they can go to that place you know when you know you're hitting acceptance a good key for you if you want to work on that is when you move from anger to sadness you're moving towards acceptance because anger usually comes from shoulds he shouldn't be like this you shouldn't be doing it and that's where the anger is but the acceptance is full of sadness and hurt and grieving you're grieving the reality of what life has presented to you and the struggle you have with your child and that's painful but you're not fighting it so yeah it is a process and it is like the stages of grief very very similar again we also have we're also having difficulty accepting because of a lot of and that's more complicated since we were our own upbringing and our own certain belief systems that are certainly impacting our parenting where we sometimes overcompensate or we're too scared to put up limits because that you were cr you were uh you know emotionally or physically abused as a child and you're going to extremes because your own emotional struggles throughout the book i actually have a whole thing on roadblocks for each chapter where there are actually thoughts and emotions that get in the way from implementing skills just to give parents some they're great they're great ideas and i see how you can flip a card from positive to negative in a second but it's a lot of work a tremendous amount of work that's why that's why i think it's important to reiterate you know this is not the book you know there's it has tremendous amount of skills and knowledge and really dialectics is really just changing the way how you think how you think about yourself and your children and the environment and keeping open to change and understanding that there are different truths and there are different realities on both sides and trying to be as effective and letting go of judgment and being mindful and not getting stuck in those things and and just look and and throwing yourself in to what works right so the acceptance is the place we want to get to but on the way yeah there's a lot of the the anger the depression and that's fine yeah i'm going to say even further i can't really make change very often until i accept until i accept my child has adhd perhaps you know then i can't even work on making chain no it's fine it's okay no he's just he's just kidding just grow up but i was like that when i was a kid too right so if i don't sometimes even to move towards change it's not acceptance by itself i need to accept the reality or i have to accept the reality my child is struggling in school i have to accept the reality of my child is emotionally sensitive if i keep the ah it's not big deal sensitive crying everyone this generation we're all oh everyone's sensitive right if i'm gonna rather accept me no my child is more sensitive there are other needs that this child has then i could change that and i can use techniques and skills to help that child okay there's a lot of live questions doesn't stop him oh shouldn't i jump in here for a second yeah i've been asking let's go everybody and an excellent therapist that too i needed to hear that all right um i just wanted to say this really quick um i have i've had access to this book i would say for about a year and a half now i've been seeing different chapters um helping mathis critique et cetera um so the clinicians out there especially you'll know what i'm talking about very often when we see clients who are children we realize that we have to bring the parents in and do some some parenting with them um that job of parenting has become a lot easier since i've been able to read what mathis has in the book um so i'm actually very excited that other people that the hamainam the world at large is going to have access to what i have access to right now and i just want to urge everyone to take advantage of it thank you thank you i didn't pay him to say that self a little back down we'll talk tomorrow okay next live let's go sorry you're on yeah my question is is more for the highly sensitive child when we're doing the first part you know listening and validating and trying to um identify their with their reality um what if as a parent of a very very highly sensitive child let's say with a serious um chip on their shoulder we wonder if the the reality is is in fact a reality what if the reality is just the fiction of their anxiety or or their sense of highly sensitive soul or or extremely emotional outbursts are coming from their place of thinking that the other people are here to hurt them sometimes i wonder if like it was a fiction of their anxiety like their world is covered by glasses yeah so so i have this all the time i have this with adults in therapy you know they come in my spouse did this and he's a narcissist or she's a narcissist that is a borderline or is it this and that so how do you how do you validate them when that might not necessarily be the facts and really what we're validating we only validate facts so what we can validate is and it can be very helpful with their child don't validate something that's not reality but you could validate his thoughts his emotions his experiences so you can validate say you know i wish i had an example that you specifically with the child but you can validate is um you can validate oh wow i see that's really frustrating or hurting you and i see that you know you can value so you're telling me that you you you feel that people are out to get you um you don't have to validate that no people are out to get you it's very important validate when we validate we're not validating the invalid so we're you can focus on thoughts emotions history experiences but not necessarily facts that are not based in reality and that can help regulate the emotion a little bit because it is their valid reality they are experiencing it like that they are having thoughts like that they have emotions and when they feel again that you can validate or enter into their experience that can help them regulate emotion and then open up their mind to see perhaps different perspectives once the emotion gets down they can get less stuck does that make sense can i give an example so maybe you can apply it there sure so so nobody really likes me they're not really my friend they're just doing a big you know mitzvah and the charity case i'm the pity i'm the pity kid like leishi it must be so hurtful to think that your friends don't like you and that you're a pity case that that must hurt to to walk around feeling you know but it's not really true everybody really likes the kid it's her own chip i mean i i don't mean to yeah that would be complete invalidation so whoa whoa whoa whoa no everyone like you know so what happens when you say everyone likes you just to chip on you just he so in his mind he's like what do you mean what then his emotion intensifies then your emotion intensifies and is most and you get nowhere but if you connect what he he is hurt correct mommy is he hurt is your child hurting they're crying nobody likes me they really feel her is he in his reality is he thinking that people don't like him yeah definitely so if someone's walking around thinking people don't like them is that painful and hurtful yeah but it's a it's a figment of their own imagination you look how you say yeah but yes that is so hurtful and at the same time it's a figment of their imagination if you can get in touch with the first part we could address the second part perhaps but i can tell you just if you work on the first part it will be much easier to work on the second part because your child feels that invalidation and he's gonna hold up his defenses no no i know they don't like me i know they don't like me i know they hate me right and that's just gonna escalate and escalate and there's gonna be tension in the relationship you're never gonna it's gonna be very difficult to get to place to help him see the other perspective okay let's oh i'm sorry i'm going to go to the next question because i have 10 pending i have to move on sorry um the next person is coming on is actually very close friend of mine with dolly miller he has an organizational organization he actually has organization about this called keshanashi i've heard of them i've heard of them yes so this is the president of the organization so he wants to speak anybody doesn't know kashinav she's an organization that was there for shabbat that basically children that have not from parents that have not from children extremely not from um they go there and they're uh they they um it's a support group and i happen to have gone with travis with their coach for nothing a lot of speakers that was it was an unbelievable experience and uh we're gonna talk more about it as we make the next event with them but uh you're on welcome review yes thank you for having me on i've seen many times especially now when we're hearing the questions espresso i'm very humbled to be on the show because i see a lot of people are very educated that are asking in the questions and they're very advanced questions my question today is a lot of the questions are being reactive to situations and we're talking about how to handle the situation we're not talking about de-escalating or being proactive in situations so what i did think of asking is i'm struggling with that because the calls that are coming into us are many calls when parents already tried so many different methods and already in despair as he saw the numbers that came in in the under survey so the question is when you have the regular normal child and all of a sudden this child is acting different and this great how do you identify when this child is actually being triggered by trauma or bullying or hazard other things that this child is going through in the early stages so we don't get that point where the child is already in with column stage two three and four or people calling these kids add adhd not necessarily i'm not saying that the therapist that's getting this child acting this way is is identifying the child wrong they're actually having all these symptoms how can we get to the original point where the child is being bullied or the child is going through a hard time we're a regular parent should be able to identify that something is completely wrong right now with this child and they're going through a hard time and there might be something going on right now so um it's an excellent question and as i said you can talk about dialectics there are many many causes and it's sometimes you're right it's an adhd executive function but many times it can be other experiences some experiences that you can't even do it it could be a divorce in a family it could be death of a lost one it could be something that happened in the school it could be trauma there can be many many things and you know what i i could be honest with you i mean i dive in almost every day with all my knowledge and all my therapy we don't we don't know we can't protect our kids 100 around the world so how the question is an excellent question how can we where could prevention come in where can we hope that perhaps we can identify some of the causes early on and do that and i think that really i would say off the top of my head number one is mindfulness is being very very aware of yourself and your child making space and time for your child observing your child nuances in facial expression in in behavior in being in touch with the school and if there is having that very loving connected communication with your child that you could sit down and you can talk with them and you can ask them and you can follow up and make it comfortable and safe for them to talk because that's how these things come you know when i have parents come into my office and they say they just learned the horrific thing about child being abused or sexually abused you know the first thing is i say you know this is a blessing you're here and when the child is 11 years old there are people who are holding on to this information to their who knows how old before and so many years of pain and a lot of that is because they have that relationship with the child the child knows to communicate the child is educated their child feels comfortable at home it's not always like that but i think you know being very very aware participating in your child's life being me that there's a place for them to feel that they can open up they can feel vulnerable um they can talk you can check in with them you have time special times with them there are so many opportunities that can lead to better communication sometimes we're so busy in our lives and we're going from one thing to next and running in and running out and not making that space and time and we're all guilty of it i'm guilty of it very often it's you know it's very difficult that's what i would say off the top of my head that would help with uh those things and prevent uh you know prevention okay uh should we do one role play now or question first we have ten pending uh mata should do the second role play whatever you do all right since we have a big crowd so let's do the second role play i think it's important i think it's going to get a lot of parents and i think it'll be fun to do i'll show you the baby what are you going to be the baby i'm always the baby that would that would be that would just be regular okay story too menachem you're the spoiled brat not this you're the healthy balanced parent hopefully first let's do it let's let's do it the way most people do it and then we'll try to do it the right way can we do that i mean i don't want to say most people but perhaps people wow dialectical i like that okay okay the story goes like this the child comes home he's telling his mother i need this thing right now i need a new segue i need a new ipad i need a new apple nano whatever it is and the mother says you just got this the other toy yesterday we can't every day get you another toy the boy loses screaming yelling going psycho spoiled banach him go everyone has a segway i wanna wanting to buy me a setate could you buy me a segue today i need a segway everybody has the same way can we go now online can we go to target can we buy the segway i need to have the segway everyone has it and i need it also could i please can we cl can we go right here could we go could we go could we plea could we could please go get it now i need it now everybody has it watch it and here i need it i need it now maybe you know how many things i bought you you have to get every single gadget i i need the same way i need a seg they all have the segway i'm the only one on the black without yeah i want you to continue the role play i love what you're doing and it's real i'm just gonna ask you to give me a chance to talk just so i could demonstrate wrong right because if not we'll just keep beautiful rewarded so go again well you're doing great could you get me a segway now you know what you always want everything now and and i've gotten it was just hanukkah i got you so many presents you're just it's never enough it's never enough you know how about thank you everyone has everyone has a segway and everyone doesn't have everyone has let's call everyone right now who has do you want everyone let's go everyone the whole world has none of them don't worry about that look the two boys down the block that's four next four the the the burgers they don't have the steins they don't have this we're not like the burgers who look though why are you looking at the burgers you know that's right look they have look they have you know first of all we don't talk like that we don't talk like that don't talk about other people negatively and and and you're just putting it down clearly it's not everyone was it everyone it's not everyone abby you're so abusive tatty you're such a control freak let's go next yeah the right way guys that was the right way that was the that was definitely the wrong way okay let's let's try to do the right way let's go do something else let's go can i please have a segway now i said please tatty can we go we're not going to go get it so do we you always say oh you always say the same thing whenever i want something you tell me no okay listen you're telling me listen i have to stop listen to me like she i see you feel like that that i always say that what i'm going to tell you is regarding the segway the segway is not something i'm going to get now i understand a lot of kids have it i understand you really want it it is not something that we're going to get today i have nothing never i i always ask for this and you don't get it to me every time you tell me the same thing we can discuss it another time perhaps it's something we could focus on or work towards or earn for a birthday or something like that but it is not something that we're getting now so i our family has the least look everybody has other stuff our family has nothing i can't take it anymore this is crazy actually i said no i'm sorry we're not getting it the answer is no okay so what did you do difference between the first time and the second time again you know the first thing is you know regulating my own emotion not getting stuck stuck up in everything he's saying he's saying things inappropriate right but i don't have to get into that because it's not key word and that we talked about in mindfulness being effective he's not going to say oh ty you're right it's not everybody oh you're right maybe i should have thought about that before i said that to you there's no he's not interested all he wants is his segway and that's what he wants and he should want it for whatever reasons why he wants it and he wants it now right and and if he can get his way and i give in i don't blame him if i was my i wasn't saying i would do the same thing so there is our job again to maintain that focus to be in the moment not on my phone not doing 53 look at him i might say i know but the answer is no if this is not something right we want to have this well it's not fair there are certain times that we can get it i don't care i want it now the answer is no and once he sees that he's not getting a response i'm setting that limit okay in that case now perhaps it is a reasonable request and i can have a different type of dialogue but here was a place that we decided that this was a limit that especially the now i want it now that was the limit as far as we're not getting it we could discuss that later can we sit down and talk about it yes i think we can and i and mike you know and i appreciate how you said that i appreciate it let's go ah you heard me and now i would use my reinforcement you heard me and and you wanna i think that's the discussion we can have so let's have a discussion what let's have the discussion okay i cannot have the discussion right now but perhaps later this evening after i okay well i can tell you like this if you can let go and you can go to your homework and do what you have to do i will have discussion if this continues the discussion will not happen today okay so there i'm using some negative reinforcement as well to get into contingency and if you would say well i want to have it now say okay i guess it's going to have to wait tomorrow we'll try again then i love you but this is this is where we're at right so ra so let him rock move away and and don't give that behavior any attention it's easy to say i know there's emotions and there's difficult i get caught in this too but these are the things that we need to work on and improve ourselves okay not just beautiful i think the examples are great everybody really likes it your kids especially like like oh it does this every single day exactly like that okay let's go to the next question yeah your son is saying he already has the segway and he already has everything yeah it happens to me they don't have this segue and they did ask for it but whatever well i'm sure i'm going to get that after the talk today maybe you should collaborate with a son exactly what to do okay let's go we have more live questions sarah sarah i want you to yeah yeah so i want to say thanks so much for your host you're hosting this and talking as abc i'm really a fan of it um i'm wondering like throughout my own struggles like mental health struggles i'm wondering like i've i've taken dbt myself wondering if like cbt could be incorporated like the issue with the school system with boys and girls i know there's probably going to be a lot of resistance because it's like a psychology topic and who wants to hear about technology but i really feel like i could prevent a lot of discipline problems and even help the teacher i could help the students and um wondering what you wondering what you think about that um yeah first of all there is already in some of the girls schools it is being integrated um i know they have some dbt skills training for the girls in schools i'll tell you you know in the secular world uh they do have a lot of that they are teaching kids skills um to regulate emotions tolerate distress be mindful um and they're they're bringing it into schools um you know it's it's more complicated it depends on what school and what age but of course you know i love the idea um you know i think that sometimes the kids would gain more from that but there are complications it has to be the right setting in the right way and smaller groups and you know it depends on how the kids are we're going to spawn in the teacher and things like that but overall i i think it's wonderful i think these are skills that i i i benefit from so many people could benefit from and again a lot of this is research based and it's not all new stuff and again it's also a lot of it is based on you know i have people in my group you know what we run male groups and female groups and teenage groups and graduate groups and i had one you know they they called it the media's class you know or i had people gone because their spouses were struggling there there is so much to gain in their your own character and development and it's packaged in a way that's really helpful i would say there's a school in lakewood there's probably more but there's one school that i know of where they hire the person to be there and to do that with the challenging kids and that's me wow okay awesome let's keep it going that's great are you ready for the next one matas we're hitting you tonight non-stop hope we get to oh we can handle the punches okay i'm trying okay let's go you're on okay so this is dealing with a younger child like a three-year-old um who was very naturally very stubborn and sensitive to criticism um and i know that i'm a little too soft with him because i feel bad that he was born with this nature that's hard hard to have um and i was wondering if you could explain how to keep a good balance between making him feel safe with boundaries and still making him feel loved and accepted with the nature that he was given okay now executives i i miss the very first part you said he was born your child is born more sensitive was that what you see he's very very very stubborn and also sensitive to criticism which is a hard um hard tab my response is for you is you have to be you have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable and you know i i understand and and i hear in your voice and you're you're very soft and caring in love with your child and i think that's amazing and i'm going to encourage you to continue to do it at the same time you have to logically get yourself to understand that limited settings is essential you think you're helping the child you're hurting the child you think your softness is there because you don't want them to feel criticized they will feel loved we know you know i quote this in the book this is john gottman's research in couples is that is a five to one ratio of five to uh in keeping marriages five positive to negative ratio and you are certainly having the five plus positive interactions with your son that one is not going to that negative interaction and he's not good the child even if they act out or they tantrum they know if you're consistent and soft and caring come in place from love they will know and they will internalize that message of love and they will also learn in the real world like we were saying before that there are limits and there are consequences and so how do you get yourself you have to get yourself to realize what's best for the child and then you have to go a skill that we call opposite action although you feel uncomfortable um and you want to just avoid which makes sense you got to go opposite and allow yourself to be uncomfortable and and put put those limits and say no because that's what's best for the child you think you're helping the child again but you're really essentially hurting them by not putting being on too much on the other end of the extreme so you want to go opposite that and allow yourself to feel that uncomfortable and over time it will get easier as you see your child thrive as a result thank you very much mathis um here we go it's really good wait one second hi so recently there's been many articles in the phone magazines about time out many of you know readers or professionals were saying that when you send your child to timeout you're like shoving them to the room exactly at the time where they can't be dealing with their own emotions so i feel like i have a very you know a child that has outburst he's impulsive sometimes it gets loud and noisy and other kids are going crazy and i feel like sometimes the only way to stop it is by sending him for time out to calm down so that everyone else could calm down before we actually speak and deal with it so what would be your take on the whole time out i'm going to give you my opinion i to anyone to write an article that they say it's stuffing the child and not giving it that place about i would like to see the research and the data backing that up you know to make those statements i you know to me is where is that coming from now again like anything as we talk about the dialectic timeout can be or anything punishment can be you know if you use it in a punitive way if you overuse it if you're always using punishment if you're saying go and you're being not you know but if you take them by the hand and you're calm and you say you have to be here for and there's research on this for a certain amount of minutes per age and then and then you have them sit there and then when it's time to come out you come and you sit next to them and you explain to them you know not before you know why i like you and i love you very much and you know you needed that time and i would like you to come back and next time let's get back on track and again the moment the child is doing good and back on track giving tons of positive i see you're doing great keep it up you know mommy see so so it's all about how it's implemented to say it's squashing the child listen i mean many of us have had time outs many children have time out i i don't see evidence that that's leading to dysfunction you know abuse yes not a child being put in time out by loving parents i don't know about you guys i don't know but i haven't seen that as a problem that's leading to a guy coming to therapy and saying now yes the one who was locked in the basement and they locked the door and they left them there for an hour all by themselves at three years old yeah that's trump but it's all about how it's implemented and finding that balance excellent really sharp sharp sharp short answer okay sorry i i never got so overwhelmed i'm sorry let's go you're on okay so if there's a 12 year old girl who is has very hard time regulating themselves and has very verbal um outbursts um and is on a rampage about the other siblings and um constantly blaming the other siblings for everything that's going wrong and gets very aggressive how do you suggest working with such a kid when they absolutely refuse therapy and the few times that we were able to get them into therapy it was to they kind of just went for the sake of going but was not listening to a word and was counting down the seconds to get out of there yeah i'm sorry i'm going to pause you for a second one of the questions i got emailed very similar to hers i'd like to combine them i think i think it goes well together can i do that sure sorry what would you advise when a child nine years old constantly hurting her younger siblings particularly the brother below him when he is calm he agrees that it's not okay to do but says he gets so angry he can't control himself it has gotten to the point where he he even bit him from anger he says the other kids bother him so he reacts but honestly most of the time it's self-imposed jealousy or he's being super sensitive like the other kid is singing or bothering him sometimes he just push or shove a sibling because i don't know why i just had the urge to do it i'm afraid of this will turn into as an adult if not addressed started therapy recently to address additionally i'm afraid of what he is doing to other kids the brother below him has fun is finally had enough of being hurt and is acting out himself the child that is doing this is super sensitive as well as dealing with him is walking on eggshells especially when he is the one in the mood when he is calm he could be a real savic and a mensch okay it was a lot of information on both i'm gonna try to respond to it you know again on what you just read i hear a little bit of balance they're accepting the child by this self-imposed jealousy super sensitive to me i hear judgment you know and that already is going to affect the parenting and the relationship and the interaction um you know it's really hard again you know and that's where the acceptance comes in yes therapy can help but the child might not be ready or willing you get them in the room and they go one and then they refuse you're not going to twist their arm and create trauma by bringing them every single time um so what i would tell you again is you know focusing on first of all accepting the reality of who she is accepting her emotional sensitivity as a working on acceptance not judging trying to be understanding at the same time and validating her position and her struggle and when it's not easy you know we talk about it's not easy parents not be seeing a kid who's highly emotional and sensitive it hurts and it hurts a lot and it's like a third degree burn patient you know you just open the door and the windows open and you feel a little that air in your arm it's like ow so it you really to be empathetic and understanding that the child really feels and understands your pain and going to therapy even though they don't understand comes with a lot of shame and i'm not normal and i'm embarrassed it again they shouldn't want to go to therapy because it hurts until they get mature enough are they able to have that perception and understanding that it could be helpful for them at the same time you know i i would tell you with many of these kids it depends on when that you can definitely try is if to make a a behavioral plan with their child saturday you know i see how hard this is for you and i see how difficult it is when you're trying your brother your sister or whatever you and then you scream and you realize you throw things at them and therefore and i see that that happens mostly you know there's a lot of work to do to define it but you know after what can we do to help i want to be there for you i want to give you some encouragement so that you for every time you walk away when you use skills to calm yourself down when you don't gauge in that behavior you know that's one thing certainly you know using those type of interventions again as i said earlier there might what are the consequences also you don't you want to be too much but that there's negative reinforcement or that there are privileges if the child does go ahead and is extreme and doesn't care and doesn't want to work on it and they're not motivated then sometimes negative in the short term is very focused you know what if if you don't you know i'm gonna count to three or if you don't continue if you continue what you're doing you know in the moment i love you dude but i'm not i'm not taking you to your thing tonight that you want to go to um and maybe they'll stamp and they'll scream one more time and they'll jump and throw something up and they stop the behavior you know and then you reinforce later you know when you're giving them a ride to play say you know what you did it and i could only imagine how hard it was so using a lot of shaping vapor strategies might work they might not and she might still and that's acceptance of what is and understanding that change is constant our children are constantly changing but you know we see it all the time they grow into different stages they develop they mature don't you know all for those who are giving up there's no hope there is hope because our brains are changing every second we're a second older you know what we often say to people in dialectics you say can you stand in the mississippi river twice right and say sure you know you could say in the same the same river twice no it's not the same river because the water is always changing so you can't stay standing at the same mississippi river twice your child is different and we're constantly changing every moment and again change is transactional when we become less judgmental more accepting more understanding that does affect the child listening you know so it's it's really balancing all those different skills mata's amazing amazing next one mathis let me know when you're falling asleep let me know i know you go to sleep you get 10. okay you're on small okay before before you know again for those i i'm not very good at this but i'm trying to get it but but for those of you who um who might be interested um in ordering the buck uh who've come on um it does help just to promote to get it out there i think it's very useful i a lot of these questions i think it can help just change your perspective uncontrollablechild.com um you can actually read this information on the website give you links to go to amazon or many other sites barnes and nobles to purchase the book put your invoice number in there i'm also going to start virtual book tours on tuesdays between january 5th to april 5th before prior to release i'm going to do private group discussions and things like that so if you're finding what i'm saying today helpful or useful please uh would be supportive thank you so much and the website is the uncontrollable trial dot com is that correct that is correct okay let's go okay first of all thank you to all the organizers and tomatoes um question is regarding the eight-year-old boy who a pretty big case of anxiety uh which lands us taking over his life and uh really uh you know get gets him to stress out about a lot of different you know a lot of his daily routine um most you know most commonly is he acts out about going on a school bus like especially if there's like schedule changes and he's going to have a different driver but it really affects a lot of other areas in his life and makes him act out we tried validation we try you know communist fears we tried uh we try you know incentives and uh we don't feel like we're really getting that far yeah so the child has anxiety and when there's change in transition he's acting out and you tried a lot of interventions and none of them have been effective so he's been to therapy a little bit um and we tried other you know things based on stuff that we learned from other courses and stuff that the therapist told us and we we don't feel like it's really getting better okay um you know it sounds like you're doing a lot of great work and doing everything you need to do but i think it's important as i said many times is that sometimes change is just not working or not an option and you know what i i that doesn't mean there might be you know someone says oh i give up you know i always say i hope i'm not the same therapist now that i'm in five years from now because i'm going to learn more information or more helpful but i think perhaps at this time that maybe you need to focus you and your wife on being not focusing too much on change because there's really no options and really acceptance acceptance that this is what is right now this is his behavior now could you do some environmental changes you know could you be mindful of certain triggers could you problem solve with your spouse different things that you know that are triggering the tantrums to to meet those needs with something called satiation you know there might be other things you could do if you identify what are the triggers and what you can do to change you know let's say i don't know if you were saying something about driving um but anything you can but perhaps you need to accept now acceptance doesn't mean giving up but acceptings is helping you and your your spouse and your family really internally try to move towards at peace that this is our child this is their struggle right now does amino be this way this bad forever because change is constant but we need to embrace this reality this is a situation we can't change and i think maybe letting go a little bit and the child seeing that you're still valuing appreciating them and connecting him that that that could be helpful too or not but it will definitely want to accept what like we say is that um acceptance um non-acceptance plus um and pain equals suffering um but pain plus acceptance equals in pain sometimes intense intense pain but when we're fighting the reality and keep trying to change we get frustrated and we're upset and and it leads to us even suffering so maybe at this point you need to focus more on the acceptance end of it so you can move back towards change okay not just we have a few more okay then we'll go to closing yeah yeah we're here ready remind us we might as well make it happen people engage it's unbelievable to see this tonight okay you're on i had a question um regarding what you were saying before um accepting and approving how do we approach our 23 year old son that started dressing differently that we love him and we will always love him no matter what but we don't that doesn't really mean that we approve of the things that he does beautiful in a very loving caring non-judgmental way that he shouldn't feel that there is a hindrance in our love because i feel like in the meantime every piece of advice that i got was gonna hinder like our love to him and it's not worth it yeah i mean that's really again being mindful looking to do what's effective and what works now if you feel those advice is going to help address the change then of course but if not you know moving towards acceptance understanding like you're saying it's not effective that doesn't mean you have to say i love this clothing that doesn't mean you have to take him to the store to buy the clothing and that means you can even say he's about mom why can't you give me money i want this type of clothing or she says i want this type of clothing you could say i love you dearly and but you know this is as you know this is not something that's according to our values i accept you and i love you no matter what but i i'm not going to participate in something and i'm going to tell you if you give that consistent message i don't believe that your child will feel that you don't love them you know so again acceptance doesn't mean approval that doesn't mean you're um engaging in in behaviors that are against your value system um and you can give that message and consistently and hopefully perhaps one day they will go back to their values and you know maybe not um but either way uh you have to do what works and what's effective and it's more likely that like you said if i'm gonna sit there and fight that for that aged child they're gonna even do it more or they're going to even leave my relationship all together and both we're both going to be just in more pain um so working on accepting and embracing the reality acknowledging the pain letting those emotions arise your sadness your hurt your pain don't deny it have someone to talk to about it and it's okay that your child sees that it hurts you at the same time you're not you're not judging them or yelling at them or putting them down or being punitive to them and they know that this is not something you prove you don't have to tell them it's like parents say well i i need you need to tell them right right because you're going to tell them i don't approve of this goal oh i didn't know you'd improve okay okay i'll take it off immediately right obviously if that would happen you would have done that already so um yeah i think it's trying every case is trying to take that step back and see what's the most effective what works it's not what's right or wrong it's what's principally going to get you to your goals what are your long-term goals and probably a long-term goal right now is to have this healthy relationship and loving relationship as possible with this child they don't feel accepted i'm just thinking if they change and they know the parents are not happy about it they by in the way they look at it is the parents don't accept them and by the parents standing on the side they're not saying anything they're not gonna change the way they feel about people not being accepted what could they be i'm not i'm not following you again if they're doing something that their parents don't accept they don't accept that the parents don't agree well it's really let's say they're not hand in hand they're standing on the side not saying anything the child knows okay but the child knows that that he's not accepted because he's doing things that's you see that's a real dialectic they know they're accepted and they and they know they're not accepted they're both true how maybe they know they're not accepted or they're not their parents don't appreciate the type of clothing they're there but they still wholly accept them as a person now if you're it's a hard one i think it's uh i think we'll have to read your book no because because the child there's a negativity again there's negativity if you're fighting the reality and you're giving a message of negativity people have this idea is that i need to go all the way and buy the clothing for my son and do all these terrible elite things they have this idea because then if i say i love you and i'm there and there's no anger and frustration at the same time i'm not going to participate let me tell you something your child is taking heroin in front of you and he says oh my can you give me more money to buy heroin so you say oh i have to give more money because then he won't feel accepted you're not going to give him money you don't like me uh oh yeah okay would you give me heroin manager i don't know okay what well would you give him a shotgun to get he needs money but he needs money he says i need a shotgun to kill myself would he give him a shotgun to kill himself how's the shoulder but it needs money oh a second hold on a second so the i'm using more extreme yeah i'm not judgmental of anyone in this situation i don't i don't i could only imagine the pain and it's not black and white and there's not a straightforward book and you need someone to guide you but it's not a one maha you know people this is what you do dialectics doesn't look like we look at every situation revolver talks about the nutrients of an apple and a banana are different you know we we have to find our pizza we have to find what's right for that child but it don't there's no parenting there's no one way i always believe someone's going to come and get a console and say this is what you do to your child it's going to this is going to do it this is the way this is walk out because we know it's not like that there are certain techniques and ideas but there's not now sometimes maybe that child needs a certain recipe but that's complicated and you have to know okay mathis um people are texting i don't know if i'll jump into it maybe they'll ask alive um but how do you how do you deal with that the end of the day when you have a teenager that's doing something extremely dangerous and extremely let's say i don't know drugs driving with a drunk how do you you know it's interesting i mean obviously it's important topic and even the secular world you know there are certain things that you know enabling addiction and behavior well we have to invite our kid in our house and then well if not he's going to be mad at us or not is it you know we know that a lot of times a lot of these things are reinforcing children and it's not helpful to keep them in your house if they're in an addiction sometimes and we're enabling right and giving them more money we're hurting them you know when we talk about physically i i'm we're not going to get too much on this topic but spiritually you know for those who have spiritual values or beliefs why why is physical and spiritual oh it's you know physical we're worried about spiritual or not you know the effects or or what we're enabling or parts so in other words the the overall idea is it's a case-by-case basis and we have to see what is the most effective for each and every child um but change is constant and and i've actually seen parents who are very very loving and stuck to their values and their child still has a loving relationship with the parents because the message is loud and clear and i think that's the way god looks at us too god punishes us too you know he does here we go next hi okay that mic's not working let's go to the next [Music] give one one second it's actually a good friend of mine's mother i'm allowed to say hi hi um i don't think i'm who you think i am okay but um anyways yeah so i i was asking about my four-year-olds he he always had this very rigid anxious personality like basically since he was born and i worked a lot on it and i softened him up a bit like had to be tough with him but he's like when when he has something that he's uncomfortable with like whether it's like an activity like coloring for example he won't color because he just it's difficult for him so he won't do it or when it comes to other things like eating a cookie that's broken well he he just won't eat it i'll throw it out and i don't know how far i'm supposed to push him uh and i'm nervous first of all as far as small picture like in the classroom he's not functioning so well in the classroom because he won't do things he's uncomfortable with and also big picture like in life you're not gonna go far if you're not gonna challenge yourself you know this is a four-year-old you're talking about yeah yeah so my guess is when he's 30 he's not going to have big issues with a half a cookie you know yeah but you know even i as an adult you know i struggle with things that i'm not accomplishing with my life because i you know anxiety i don't trust myself you know i'm saying like it is a thing that adults struggle with that's true that's true adults do struggle with that and it sounds like you're doing a good job and helping increases flexibility and maybe there are different interventions to see you know but but again i i think you have to realize change is constant and you know when you're talking about not accepting yourself usually that comes when most people struggle with that not everyone is because they come from a very critical environment where there was a lot of criticalness for their behaviors or high expectations or unrelenting standards that they had to reach perfection and therefore when they come into adulthood they're constantly insecure and questioning themselves um that that often happens i i don't think pushing your child you know depending on what situation you know you want to find that balance help them try new things say okay well let's what what where what are you willing to try different you know what step could you take could you just taste this or again i but sometimes we take our own i mentioned this earlier and it's a little more complicated for now but we take our own experiences and belief systems and we try to project that on our child and have the expectations they're going to turn to us if we don't do this this and this which is not necessarily the case and i think it's very important to take a step back and look at that um but i wouldn't say pushing him is very effective perhaps over those examples um but you know if you would refuse to go to school you might have to do a little pushing right you're gonna have to identify that the priorities and where you're gonna have to help them with that rigidity and then try to build with that but you know it's a balance acceptance and changing and then change is constant as i said um i hope that was a little bit helpful i know it's a deeper question than i i could answer on the fly um uh i mean yeah let's take let's take one last one because i think one last one we have anybody else waiting um we have we have a few pending and uh those who can't get asked but matas have one question that was the email that i want to get to also so the one live one one email and then we'll go to closing okay okay thank you i want to get my session worth you know the person that pays for a session make sure you're here one minute extra your overtime buddy i'm overtime send the bill to monaco okay you ready oh okay i'll do the i'll do the the the email question first our eight-year-old son is super talented creative and very smart child that can get very explosive when things don't go his way has difficulties being impulsive and negotiates every small request we have of him his negotiation and explanations happen to be very logical the advice we get from parenting experts therapists was to discuss and explore with him before they occur using the collaborative problem-solving method where he comes up with solutions and consequences rather than us imposing it on him when he caught on how we're dealing with it things after just two times he stopped cooperating when we tell him that we would like to meeting with him he says bye ma walks out of the room i don't know who told you i'm smart i have nothing to say doesn't discuss with me at this point the only way he stops doing inappropriate behaviors are by being tough with him and positively catching him doing something good compliments don't seem to do the trick validating his feelings work when when he is crying but not when he's in explosive mode any advice yeah no it's at first there's a lot of information there so you know that i assume you're talking about raw screens the explosive child um not the uncontrollable child but the exposed child is an excellent book and collaborative problem-solving method can be very helpful if it's effective and here it's not being effective and that's the whole idea is that not everything is going to work and be effective and you have to be able to move along with that um a validation does you know i actually talk about the book when not to validate you don't always value it you know i want a child in his explosive mode validation is usually not going to be effective um i just comment on that my question personally is like why would you know negotiating every small request uh smart or not i mean you're the parent as a child not everything gets negotiated um we have certain limits and ex expectations uh children don't i mean if we can have a discussion and help them understand that's wonderful we want to be open but what is this negotiating process i don't know if the person is here maybe i'm missing something i i you know um and i don't blame him for walking away again like i said he should because it's working for him and it's an uncomfortable conversation um i'm just again wondering how much reinforcement was done rather than focusing on the negative behaviors because it sounds like we're very focused on you know you know doing a lot of the the negative discipline how much of the positive even positive doesn't mean that's a positive even throughout the day are you building a lot of positive um is that ratio positive to negative there um you know uh and and and again there is a place for consequences and privileges and it's essential for learning we know that from neuroplasticity and brain changes and finding the correct path and learning the right path but i i would want to know like you know what does that mean are you using too much of it um or maybe not or maybe you're using it and it's working um is the child learning is the behavior changing and then you have an opportunity to reforce or are you just punishing or being consequences that nothing's helping then stop it's not being effective and it's only going to have negative so there's a lot of information here that would have to be explored okay okay we're gonna go to closing everybody um give me one second one second sorry about this sorry sorry oh okay not this one more person wants to say something i'm sorry that's what it is and then we'll go closing okay sure leader you're on yes hi just a quick thing i wanted to mention to the parent that said about the eight-year-old child that's anxious not um he said he went he brought the child to therapy and they tried a lot of the stuff that did not work i just wanted to bring out that sometimes it might be worth it to go to another therapist like not not every therapist works with every child and sometimes it just takes another try with another therapist so i just thought it would be helpful for him to know that it's not all over because it didn't work with that therapist i've just seen results with bringing to a second therapist sometimes with an anxious child so i wanted to throw it out there you know i appreciate that i think there's absolute truth to that um you know i think there there's many different like we said it's finding that right strategy and what's effective and you know maybe you worked on one uh modality or one type of personality of a therapist or you know that just been clicked with that child so you don't necessarily have to and that's what i was saying even if you do accept or st for the moment that doesn't mean you should be open when you hear that new therapist or that new person that might be helpful or maybe the child will you know be more willing uh you know a couple months later absolutely it's not about giving up constantly looking for opportunities and going to a second therapist i would recommend that as well um i'm not you know i people came to me and they went to other people you know not everyone's a perfect fit for everyone so thank you for that that's an extremely important point thank you okay romantis i wanted to thank you for coming on tonight at a special time tonight was an amazing share i'm getting text off the off the chart hope you enjoyed it it was extremely interactive we we barely covered some of the questions we got and i have pending people that still want to ask so um sometimes people come back for a third time on this so uh maybe when you write the second book we'll see we'll work it out but thank you again for coming on it was a tremendous physique for everybody tonight again tonight's share was uh was sponsored the swiss refugee lama for the vote about miriam and everybody here tonight the hundreds of people that were here between the thousands of people that watched it and they will watch the replay uh should be a school for them to have a big refuge lima it's also tonight for robert knox freezes his father's the architect district reserves very soon and again tonight's share is number 32. anybody who wants to watch it will be uploaded tomorrow on www.manahanburnfield.com if anybody has any questions please email coachmenachem at gmail.com uh matas if you want to give out the website or email or any contact information please do it now yeah the uncontrollablechild.com um and under there if you go all the way down there there is a place that you can contact me or send me a message or any information like that um and again i i thank you for all coming um you know we're all on this journey together uh there aren't any perfect right answers but you know i think to get together as we said there's so many different things to think about and so many different skills and uh thank you for participating and i hope i hope you learned something tonight okay and i also want to say that um if anybody wants to listen to the share we have all the shares now on colossians we just put it on worked on it the number seven one eight five two one five two three one star seven and the code of the share is 909 310 if anybody wants to hear that and again i want to thank all the advertising sponsors the lakewood school for voters here in lakewood every week special thank you to yani and robbie from kazakh for promoting the kazakh channels special thank you to kylo cal from school summer for his promotion digitally and coach thank you very much everyone i'm going to hold it uh with a plate everybody wants to go thank you matas again for coming on tonight and i just want to mention people come on to the show sitting comfortable listening to zoom hamata says do a b and c if it doesn't work do c b and a and then buy the book which sounds amazing but while these the the outburst happens and all of those emotions go up and the parents and the spouses and it's it's it's very hard and i did hear ma matas mentioned that it is painful and yeah i'll tell you guys a little secret my first title for the book was the ride of your life the original title once we went to the publisher many times because it's just a ride and it's not an easy one so uh i appreciate that awesome thing yeah and i'm saying if you shouldn't be you shouldn't knock yourself down that's not working i'm not a good parent then this again getting to acceptance is a journey and we spoke about acceptance a lot but you can't jump the acceptance i know we want to jump there because we live in a fix it generation let's go where is it acceptance okay let's go to the back the last chapter of the book acceptance and i'm good to go but it doesn't work that way and uh it's a process and it could be hard so uh take some breaks self-care take care of yourself and uh thank you everyone for being here tonight and we'll see you next week in miata good night everybody we'll see you next week i'm not sushem uh i didn't want to announce it but uh let's share with an actual email who's coming on next week just not confirmed so i didn't want to put it out there see you all next sunday night matas it was a beautiful show really really powerful thank you thank you thank you good night everybody