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Parenting in Modern Times - Rabbi David Orlofsky
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Transcript
Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
I I share with you what my mother said
to me
about 10 years ago.
I don't have to bring up kids today.
It's a different world.
It's a different world. Everything has
changed.
All of the assumptions that we worked
with,
you know,
those of us who are parents,
you could you don't have to tell me. You
can tell yourself.
Did you ever tell a kid something and he
told you no?
I never said that to my father, not
twice.
Everybody knows, you know, your parents
tell you something and
you know, if they're not looking, you
can mutter under your breath. You know
what I mean? You can mumble, you can
grumble, but you did what your parents
told you. That's how it worked. That was
the assumption, you know?
There's a terrible book called A Child
Called It. It was on the New York Times
best seller list, a series of three
books about this guy who was one of the
worst child abuse cases in the world.
And he was born after me. He was born
'60s, '60s, '70s, I don't remember.
And he outlines the terrible abuse that
he went through and what he put up with.
And at one point, he later in the story,
his teenage son says, "Dad, why didn't
you tell her no?"
And he said, "Because when I was a kid,
no one ever did that."
You never told your parents no. Those
are the things.
Now,
now this
every kind of expert tells you, you
know,
we have to deal differently with our
children. The assumptions are gone.
Yeah? Now, if you want the good the good
part of this, the Mission Insight says
this is a siman that you're in the most
of Messiah when people are going to
um
you know, kids behave
and children aren't going to listen to
their parents. But Hashem, I miss
Messiah is a It's very close, you know?
And uh the result of it is that we are
in this kind of a situation where now
the kind of experts tell you you have to
negotiate with your kids. You can't tell
them things. You have to take a
different approach. You have to work
with them. Okay, our our parents, or
depending how old you are, our
grandparents, they had it easy.
They came over and said, "This is what
you're going to do because I'm your
father. I'm your mother. That's why you
know, why? Cuz I'm your mother." You
know, and that was enough of an answer.
It worked for us,
you know? And today, you have to
negotiate. You have to explain. You have
to You know, it's a whole different
world.
So,
the the the tools that worked
in the last door doesn't work anymore.
Um
Reb Meir Shapiro
had a beautiful word.
It says Moshe Rabbeinu made himself
chazozros
that he would use to assemble the
people, blow the chazozros and everybody
would come. He'd blow a win one type of
a note so the seam came, another one the
whole arm came, whatever.
When he died, they buried the chazozros
with him.
Why?
So,
Reb Meir Shapiro says, "Because although
the tune stays the same, the instrument
has to change.
And what worked in one door won't work
in the next."
Reb Shach said
that today a door is two years.
Now, he said that 20 years ago. That's
that's 10 doors ago he said this.
I said this to a man kind of
not that long ago and he says, "Shh. He
was an optimist."
And I do it with students. I say, "You
look at the kids who are two years
beneath you. What do you think?" Those
kids are crazy. I'd never do what they
do, you think? Two years a different
door.
So, you know, we when we bring our kids
up, we're going through dairy doors.
You know, by the time by the time we're
done with our kids, we're our great
great great grandparents talking to us,
you know? It's a different world all
together.
So,
so things have to change.
We can't
doesn't matter.
Posen Kelo says, "Don't bother saying
the it was different in the other doors.
Things are different. They They have all
doesn't make a difference. This is the
reality that we have to work with and
the best thing you have to do is figure
out how to do it the best way you can.
When you find yourself in trouble,
that's not the time to complain. That's
the time to figure out solutions."
So, let me tell you a story. This story
happened many years ago.
And
and I told this story over two years ago
and someone told me a even scarier
story.
I lived in a major Jewish community
and
the youth program on Friday night used
to do an owner Shabbos.
Essentially, it was a social event for
the boys and the girls to come together.
And
they would
have to have a speaker
for five minutes. More than that already
and the kids got upset. You know, so you
have to move very fast.
So, I was
I was pressured into becoming the
sacrificial speaker one week, you know?
So, I I show up and everyone's there.
And uh
and I asked the kids the following
questions. Now, remember, they all come,
you know, they may not come from Hamish
and Mishpacha, you understand? But, they
all go to fine Yeshiva day schools.
The families all keep Shabbos, they all
keep kosher. And I asked them the
following question, I'm going to put two
buttons in front of you.
Push the button on your left and you'll
wake up tomorrow morning a nice kid in a
nice family, just you've never been
Jewish. Your family's not Jewish, you
are not Jewish.
That's if you push the button. Push the
button on your right, you stay the way
you are.
I said, "If I went around
and I asked this question
to the kids in your Yeshiva day schools,
my guess is that 60 to 70% of the kids
would push the button on the left and
choose not to be Jewish."
So, the kids all look at me. Now, I
figure kind of, you know,
confrontation's always good, teenagers
like that, you know, get to argue.
Nothing, didn't say a word.
So, I said, "What?"
They said, "Rabbi, how can you talk to
us like that?"
"Everybody would push the button on the
left."
So,
I'm sitting here on a Friday night in a
room full of
Yeshiva kids who would all rather be
Christian, yeah?
That's a scary story.
Now, so I said to them, "Okay, why?"
"Why?"
"Why do you
have to be Jewish? Why don't you want to
be Jewish?"
They didn't know what to say.
Cuz teenagers know you don't you don't
ever say what you really think. You look
at the adult and you figure out what
they want to hear, you understand? So,
Well, this is our part of our Hinnukh
system, by the way, is that we teach
kids,
you know, that the ones who get the
praise are the ones who repeat back what
we said, preferably in the exact words,
you know what I mean? So, many teachers,
they don't really teach, they just have
a game show, you know? And they say,
"What's the answer?" Sometimes they just
even fill in the blank. And so, "Avraham
Avinu went went where? Went to?"
And so, it's just a guess, you know?
Everyone's just trying to figure out
what the teacher wants them to say. So
they're looking at me, what does he want
me to say?
So I said, "It's easy. You hate being a
firm Jew." Oh, you can't say that.
Might be true, but you can't say it, you
know?
Cuz one kid says, "It's not true. I love
Shabbos. It's the only day I get to
sleep."
Yeah?
I once heard somebody describe the
perfect Shabbos, you know?
You wait for your father to come home
from shul.
He falls asleep at the Shabbos table
reading the paper. And in the like no
time, by the time you could be in bed by
6:00. It's comatose.
You just You just lie there like being
dead, you know?
Till the drool comes out on the pillow,
you know?
And uh
and then you wake up the morning, you
get to shul late, you know?
Come back, you have a quick quick lunch,
back in bed, before you know it it's
over. What a spiritual odyssey.
The way many firm Jews keep Shabbos,
it's indistinguishable from a coma, you
know? So I said, "Look, I don't know how
to break this to you, but can just
take the phone off the hook and take a
nap." She was devastated this kid
because that was the only positive thing
she found about being Jewish. I said,
"Let me ask you, what is it you like
about it? I know, cuz there's so many
things you can't eat." No, I know, cuz
there's so many things you can't do on
Shabbos. No, I know, cuz you love
learning Gemara. They're like, "Okay,
you're right. We all hate it." So why do
you hate it? Why do you do it then? Our
parents make us.
That's the answer.
I said, "I'll let you in for a surprise.
You know why you that your parents do
it? Cuz their parents made them."
And their parents made them, and their
parents made them, and it's the same
thing going on for years. Now,
I tell this story over, and I have to
tell you it was not a heimisher
community. So
people say, "Yeah, well that's that's
Yanam."
I told the story over 2 years ago, and a
person comes up to me and tells me the
story.
I didn't ask him where.
All he said it was a cheder for the
better boys.
You know, there's there's the chedarim
for the bad boys whose parents chrais
work or whatever. You know, these are
the the best mishpachas. The parents are
only in learning or in chinuch, etc.
And a kid, evidently, asked a question
to the Rebbe like, "Why do we have to do
this? Or why do we have to learn that?"
And the Rebbe sensed there was a
problem, and he told each boy, "Take out
a petek. Take out a little piece of
paper
and write down either yes, no, or I
don't know.
Do you want to be a frum Jew?"
Say, 21 kids in the class?
One kid wrote yes.
Two kids wrote not sure.
18 kids wrote no.
That's our kinderlach.
That means that there's something wrong.
Now, the unbelievable thing is that this
Rebbe asked
You don't ask these things.
I have been in situations
where people say, "You don't want to
encourage kids to ask questions because
they'll start asking questions, and who
knows where it will lead?" I said, "They
already have the questions. What do you
think?
Today, you cannot bring build walls high
enough to keep everything out. It just
can't be done. Take your kids off to a
desert island and hope they can't get
Wi-Fi. That's it.
You understand? There is There's no way
to build it.
A chashuve Rebbe in Yerushalayim said to
me, "You can't find a tzimmes-digge girl
in Yerushalayim
who doesn't know anything. Those days
are gone.
It's a different world.
It's a different world. Things are
different.
So, we're going to have to do something
about it.
So, somehow the message is going wrong.
So, I was getting ready to leave. I only
had 5 minutes. You know, I said, "My
time is up. You know, I don't want I
don't want anyone to get upset at me.
You know, it's just in a room full of
kids who go to yeshiva day school who
would they don't want to be They don't
want to be Jewish, you know?
So, they said, "Wait a second. Wait a
second, Rabbi. We know how it works.
You can challenge us. You can ask us
questions. But, in the end, you have to
give us an answer so we can forget we've
ever seen you or heard about you.
I don't want to be left with any angst,
you know?"
I said, "Well, you guys all have,
you know, uh quality Jewish educations.
You tell me.
Why does a person have to be a firm
Jew?"
So, they're thinking. And a kid says, "I
know why.
Cuz otherwise, you'll burn in Gehenna."
And there it is.
That is the reason that you should be a
firm Jew.
Now, this didn't come from no place.
Okay?
I uh
I was in Yeshiva.
And uh
It was winter's month.
It was going on for very long time. I
don't know. There were two or three
others that year. I don't know what
happened, you know? And we were probably
doing Yevamot. You know, the Gemara that
never ends and the Zman that never ends.
And then,
yeah, I started to get depressed, you
know? Took to bed with mono-like
symptoms. I don't know why it didn't
show up in the blood test, you know?
You know, so my rabbi comes to give me
to a gentleman. He tries to cheer me up.
He says, "Come on, David. You got to get
up. You got to come. You got to learn."
I said, "Rabbi, what's the point? I'm
just going to go to Gehenna anyway."
He said, "That's true.
But, focus on the following," he said.
"At 350 degrees, you bake. But, at 400,
you burn."
Shh. Did I feel better.
That meant that if I daven three times a
day, and I learned 12 hours a day, and I
did all the mitzvahs, did everything I
was supposed to do, at the end, I would
just bake
instead of burn. That's the best we have
to offer.
Come on. When the Yamim Noraim come
around,
that joyous time,
you know?
You sit and and if you're if you're
zocheh to have a shul with a chazan,
boy, you could be there forever.
There are people who are still there
from last Rosh Hashanah, yeah.
You know? And you come to the center
token.
So I knew it was an important part cuz
my father would always say, "Where's the
place?" And I never knew where the place
is cuz every husband has this trick, you
know, where they spend like 20 minutes
on a word and then they go, "Honey,
honey, honey, honey, honey, honey,
honey, honey, honey, you know?" Flipping
pages, you know, it's like So cuz the
center token follow this along. This is
very important.
The highlight Shani and Kefa.
May you live.
Oh, may you most. Now, there was a
subtle message there and I don't know if
you picked it up.
I sure did.
We understood what the husband was
saying. Someone might live, but you are
going to die,
die, die, die, die, die, die.
And you sitting there going, "I'm going
to die?"
Wow. Now, now you get to pick the way
you're going to go.
Who by fire and who by water? Fire's
kind of hot. You know, I might be able
to tread water for a while, you know.
Who by sword and who by storm? Storm's
not so bad, you know, I might get
through that, you know.
Who by earthquake and who by pestilence?
If you have an English translation.
Pestilence, what is pestilence? I never
heard anyone will take the pestilence,
Bob, right? But the message is clear.
You're going to die a horrible death cuz
Hashem hates you. You're a miserable
sinner unless you do chuba and repent,
repent, get down on your hands and knees
and beg and cry and then you could get
off with a serious illness.
Everyone walks around depressed.
Tata, what's with the apple and honey?
For a sweet year. How does it look?
Doesn't look too good.
I was going to go off I had a non-Jewish
neighbor who asked Yom Kippur was
Wednesday. I'm going over to shul, you
know, in the middle of the week with a
suit, you know.
He says, "What's going on today? It's
not Saturday." I said, "No, I have
special day. We go to shul and we
afflict ourselves." "Why?" Cuz I'm evil.
Oh, all right. Well, I'll see you
tomorrow? I have no idea. Any word on
the pestilence? I should have taken
earthquake. What was I thinking?
And that's it.
You understand? That's what it is.
I talked to a guy, you know, in one of
these yeshivas for the religiously
challenged. I said, "What happens if
you're good?" He said, "You go to Olam
Haba." I said, "What's that?" "You sit
on a cloud and you play a harp, you
know."
I said, "And if you're bad?" "Hashem
burns you in Gehenna forever."
I said, "You comfortable with that?" He
said, "That's what I always heard." I
said, "Does it make sense to you?" Yeah.
I said, "That's like a father who says
to his daughter, 'Sweetheart, your room
is a mess. If you clean it up, I'll buy
you a new outfit and take you out for
dinner. And if you don't, I'll break
your arm and beat you till you're
bloody.'"
I said, "What would you do?" He says,
"I'd call the social services. The man
is insane."
I said, "That's how you picture Kadosh
Baruch Hu, Rachmana?"
Yeah? That if you're good, you get a
cloud and a harp, and if you're bad, you
burn in Gehenna forever?
A dysfunctional father who aren't in
heaven. You know what I'm saying?
Now, this is the message that comes
across.
There's a group of chashuve Yidden
called the traveling Chassidim. They go
around and they
and they go to communities to make them
Chassidish shabbos.
And one of them came over and spoke to
me once. And they said, you know, "We're
your Chassidim." I said, "Wow, I never
had any real Chassidim. My Chassidim is
very chashuve."
You know, I might I might start taking
fitlach, you know what I mean?
He says, "You don't understand. Even by
the Chassidiship, people don't say this
anymore.
That used to be the message. And how
beautiful it was and so and now this is
it also. It's Gehenna, it's Gehenna,
everything's
Gehenna."
And so a kid hears this.
And now, what are we doing in this
world?
Do the mitzvahs, do what you're supposed
to do, cuz otherwise, the big face in
the sky is going to burn you in Gehenna.
I asked You should have got once, "How
do you picture Kadosh Baruch Hu?"
He says, "A big scary face in the sky
saying, 'I'm going to get you.'"
I said, "You're not so bad." He goes, "I
know, but I figure other people have
excuses and I don't.
One guy told me, "I picture a Kodesh
Baruch Hu on a mountain with a lightning
bolt." I said, "That's Zeus. You're not
even up to monotheism yet. You're on
Mount Olympus with the gods." You know
what I'm saying? Kodesh Baruch Hu
doesn't do that.
But unfortunately, this is how so many
people picture it.
They see they see the world as something
terrible.
What does the Mesillas Yesharim say? Why
are we in this world? You know why we
were created? You know why Hashem made
us?
To get pleasure from Hashem. You know
why? From being close to Hashem. Cuz
that's the greatest pleasure that there
is.
Look at everything.
Look at everything that's out there.
Look at the food. Look at the the
comfortable stuff. Look at the money.
Look at everything that's out there. And
the greatest thing in the world is love
of Hashem. And he tells you, "Look at
it."
Sefer Hinnuch on the mitzvah "Love of
Hashem".
Says, "How do we get love of Hashem?"
Says, "By focusing that love of Hashem
is greater
than burning
ocean burning of covered."
Look at everything that's in the world.
Look at all the great things. And love
of Hashem is greater than everything.
So when I teach this, people come to me
and they say,
"Ah, you didn't read the next line."
Some people say, "You didn't read the
next line."
"Ah, we're not in the next line."
This is what we do.
If in this world, you don't have any fun
at all. Your friends are all going
around having fun. You don't have any
fun.
You pass up this and you pass up that
and you do this and you do that and you
do everything you're supposed to do.
When you're dead, you'll go to the next
world and you'll have some wonderful
pleasure and I can't tell you what it
means, and I can't describe it,
but it's really very good.
It's really very good.
And if you can't understand that, I'll
tell you all your friends who are having
a great time, they're going to burn in
Gehenna. That you do understand.
Yeah?
All the heat in this world is 1/60 of
the age of Gehenna.
So, that's great. So, I mean, I
understand a lot about Gehenna.
So, therefore, what's the goal? Stay out
of trouble and try to avoid burning in
Gehenna. That's it.
Now, I'm not going to make all the
dukim, but
I'm going to argue from the position of
authority.
Reb Yitzchak Isaac Sherer says, when he
says his Hashem, it means in this world.
Reb Volbe writes in Alei Shur, it means
in this world. Reb Yerucham writes, in
this world. Reb Leibel LaYahu, in this
world. Reb Yisrael Salanter, in this
world. Reb Chaskel Sarna, in this world.
There are others.
It means his Hashem in this world.
Not when you're dead. Now.
And if a person doesn't understand how
to Hashem, how to get this unbelievable
pleasure from being close to Hashem,
you've missed the whole purpose of this
world, says Reb Volbe.
When a person
um
How do you appreciate a pleasure? You
have to learn how to appreciate it.
So, if you go to a very fancy rich
people, I sometimes get to speak for
rich people. It's a lot of fun. I have a
lot of fun when I go to rich people.
It's that they have a whole different
way of living than I do.
So, sometimes you go to a fancy
reception,
and they're serving wine and cheese.
Very sharp
smelly cheese, and very dry
bitter wine.
This is an unbelievable thing. Now, you
take a kid.
Does he want this kind of wine? But, it
cost $200 a bottle. He doesn't want this
one. The cheese he want the cheese. He
wants potato chips and then soda. You
understand? He wants
grape juice. He doesn't want He doesn't
want this.
You have to learn. There's seven steps
to appreciate wine. You have to learn
how to appreciate wine. There's a way to
appreciate the taste of cheese, this
kind of cheese, that kind of cheese. If
you never learn it, then you have the
most expensive wines and cheeses to get
heaven and it's not at all Mahabbah. If
you don't understand what what what
ruchniyus is, then what are you going to
do in all of Mahabbah? The whole place
is ruchniyus. You never learned how to
appreciate it.
It's a vov bi you have to have it in
this world.
And nobody knows this.
I was sitting next to a middle-aged
Israeli businessman who was on his way
to India to join his wife in the ashram
where they were studying Buddhism and
meditation.
And I said to him, "Why?" He says, "You
reach a certain point in your life and
you're looking for spirituality." I
said, "Did you ever consider Judaism?"
He laughed.
"What does Judaism got to do with
spirituality? Judaism is about doing
mitzvahs. Now you eat a matzah. Now you
shake a lulav. Now you say the shma. Now
you put a coin in the tzedakah box, do
the mitzvah dance, and that's what it
is."
Anyone knows that it's all ruchniyus?
I was this Jewish guy who was getting
into Buddhism, meditation.
He did a documentary on the Dalai Lama.
Dalai Lama is chashuv in that world.
And if you're very close to the Dalai
Lama, he gives you your own mantra to be
able to concentrate on when you're
meditating.
So, he keeps asking for a mantra. He
says to him, "You're a Jew, aren't you?"
He says, "Yeah."
He says, "You already have a mantra." He
says, "No, I don't." He says, "Sure you
do."
He says, "Well, well, well, what's the
mantra?" He says, "They never told it to
you as a kid." He said, "I'll tell it to
you. Clear your mind, assume the
position, get ready for meditation,"
says the Dalai Lama to this Jewish kid,
"repeat after me.
Sh'ma Yisrael
Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echad. You sure
you never heard this?
Of course they heard it, but nobody ever
told them that this is something that we
can concentrate on that's going to lift
us out of this world, although it's a
gemara in Berakhot.
The Hasidim Rishonim spent an hour
saying
getting ready for Shemoneh Esrei, an
hour.
And then an hour saying Shemoneh Esrei,
and then an hour coming down from the
experience. Do you understand that when
they said Shemoneh Esrei they were
someplace else that it took them a whole
hour to get back down into this world?
That's what tefillah is supposed to be.
So we don't see it, so we don't
understand it, so we don't know it.
So when So instead people look around
other people and they say, "Oh, look,
there's spirituality, meditation, you
know."
I had a girl in a Beis Yaakov she said
to me,
"I'm not happy."
"And I was a good girl," she said to me.
"I was always a good girl." I said,
"What does that mean?" "I never did
anything."
"I never went anywhere, I never talked
to anybody, I never did I never did
anything. I was a good girl."
That's by the way the definition of a of
a good girl, she doesn't do anything.
You know.
A A guy who's a rosh yeshiva he said to
me,
"You know, he's in an out-of-town
community, and his daughter, you know,
says, 'Oh, our friends are doing this.'
We don't do that in our family."
"And another time, 'Our friends are
doing that.' We don't do that in our
family. And finally SHE SAID, 'WHAT DO
we do in our family?'"
"All we do is we don't do anything. Do
we do anything in our family?" And he
said to me, "And I thought about it and
I couldn't think of anything."
Understand? Who's Who's good?
Someone who doesn't do anything.
And the more you do nothing,
which means we have a lot of work to do.
And this is our avodah.
Now understand the following.
You know, um
There was a comedian by the name of
Groucho Marx who once said, "The most
important thing is sincerity. Once you
can fake that, the rest is easy." You
understand it all?
Unfortunately, you can't fake it. You
know this. Your kids know perfectly well
what you're thinking.
Small children and animals can sense
your mood. This has been proven.
So, if you're angry or you're upset,
your kids know it. A kid will start
crying. A little kid.
Start crying. You didn't yell at him.
You didn't do anything, but they sense
that you're upset.
They can feel it. They feel how you
feel.
It's not enough to say it, you have to
show it. You You can't even show it. You
have to feel it for real.
The iker avoda v'ahavta et Hashem b'chol
l'vavchem. You have to serve Hashem with
your heart. You have to believe it. You
have to feel it.
It's not enough to say it. We have to
change our perception of how we view
Hakadosh Baruchu.
Unfortunately, so much of our chinuch
has been based on this scary face in the
sky who's going to come and get us and
burn us in Gehenna.
Very often when I speak about this in
front of a firm audience, I get two
questions.
You know, right at the beginning. It's
always the first two questions.
If this is true, how come you're the
only one saying it?
So, I bring other people. I'll show you
where it's real. Talbisha says it. I'll
show you where Matisyahu says it. I'll
show you where it's real. I'll show it
to you. You know, chapter and verse.
And the second question they ask is,
"So, how come no one's teaching this to
our kids?"
Yeah? Why don't our kids sense this?
I teach uh
I used to teach rabbonim who were going
out in the field how to answer basic
questions on Judaism.
And somebody said,
"I can give the answer over that you're
saying, but I can't do that little laugh
you do at the end, and that really
clinches the deal." I said, "You you why
the little laugh at the end clinches the
deal? Because I believe it."
It doesn't matter whether or not you say
the right thing or not.
If you don't really believe it, the
hardest questions to answer are the
questions you can't answer for yourself.
And therefore, every Yid should have a
notebook
where they write down their questions.
And you have to get answers.
It's not enough just to say it. You have
to find it, you have to believe it, you
have to work on yourself because kids
will know whether you believe it or not.
And the stronger we are, the more we're
mahazik ourselves,
then the stronger everything else will
be. Stephen Covey, he's a He wrote
a book called The 7 Habits of Highly
Effective People.
My Rebbe, Reb All the Way, said there's
a lot of wisdom in that book, so I feel
comfortable quoting it. Yeah?
He said
that ultimately, the only person you
have any control over in this world is
you.
Yeah?
You can't control your parents.
Whether they're going to be reasonable
or unreasonable, the odds are they'll be
unreasonable.
You can't control your spouse.
They for sure going to be unreasonable.
Your children, for sure they're going to
be unreasonable.
Yeah? Your neighbors, your boss, you
have no control over anybody or anything
in this world. The only thing you have
any control over is you.
And therefore, if you want to work on
something, you work on yourself. And the
more you work on yourself, the more it
changes. My wife saw that my daughters
were not being too uh madakdek
in tfila.
So, she could give them a speech, she
could this. You know what she did? She
was mahazik her own tfila.
And this is what Stephen Covey calls
your circle of influence. The more you
mahazik yourself, it spreads out to the
people around you. And slowly our kids
started doing it because if you're a
parent and you don't know this yet, you
better figure it out. Your kids are
always watching you.
Not just that they sense how you feel,
they're watching to see what you say and
what you do.
So my wife was reading the Hamadia ones.
And one of my daughters says, "What are
you doing?"
She's like, "I'm reading the paper."
"No, you're not. Your lips are moving."
So she said, "I went to a sheer and
tfila and they said, you know, when you
see these little pitokium that say,
'Please davin for a refuah shleimah for
so-and-so,' you don't have to write it
down on a piece of paper and just think
about it when you come to shmini
atzeres.
Right then and there, say a kapitel
tehillim." And so I started doing that.
And my kids were like, "Wow, you do
that?"
It changed their approach, not based on
what they said,
based on what they did, based on how
they really feel.
Reb Moshe Feinstein said,
"What killed American Jewry is one line,
a shver tzu zein a Yid."
Kids would come home and hear their
father sit down at the end of the day,
"Oy, a shver tzu zein a Yid." And the
kids would say, "Yeah, not me."
Why would I do it if it's so shver?
But if they see from you, if they sense
from you, not just they hear from you,
they sense from you,
it's gevaldich.
This is the greatest thing in the world.
The more we change ourselves, the more
mamela change the kids will change. And
everyone always says, "What do I do?
What do I do?" It's this technique will
take you only so far. The ikka avodah is
up here.
When the Twin Towers went down,
so I went that Chol HaMoed Pesach, a
Chol HaMoed Sukkos,
to Reb Moshe Shapiro,
and he told anybody who would listen
that this is the beginning of Gog and
Magog.
And that we have to
and od milvado. That's the avodah. We
have to focus on Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
I said, "Listen, at the time I was
teaching in our smicha, these guys come
in and normally we tell them take it
slow, go this, go that, you know." I
said, "Should I tell people, 'Listen,
you don't have much time left, so I
would just cut to the part where you
become firm already cuz I don't know how
much longer you got here.'"
And he gave me one of those looks that
he gives me
that I'm zocheh to get, you know.
And at the end when I was leaving, he
pulled me aside and he said, "Mada'i,
for sure you have to do slowly.
What I'm talking about is up here. The
ikkar avodah is in your head. En od
milvado, you have to know this up up
above.
We have to believe that Hakadosh Baruch
Hu is everything and if we don't, our
kids see it."
Moshe Rosenbaum was known as Maury.
Yeah, he runs his farm store during the
summer and uh
and uh up in the mountains
and uh Woodbourne.
And he told me, says, "Sometimes I have
people come in
and uh they buy sefarim,
Judaica,
religious articles, whatever.
And they don't want to pay the sales
tax.
So I said, 'Huh?
I can't? Tell me who your posek is who
tells you you don't have to pay sales
tax.
Cuz the Moshe Feinstein says you do and
the Satmar Rebbe says you do. So forget
tell me who your
So they start to get angry at me.'
I said, 'Now I understand.
You don't believe in the Aibershter.'
And nobody wants to hear that when
you're buying sefarim, you know.
So what do you mean? Says, 'You think
that if you have to pay this 8% sales
tax, you won't have a parnassah. You
have to go against halacha and steal it
cuz otherwise Hakadosh Baruch Hu can't
take care of you.'
What's the message that our kids hear?
Not when things are going great, when
things are going wrong, yeah? Baruch
Hashem, look how great it is. Look at
all the good in our lives. Hashem's good
to us.
My My father died a young man machlah.
Took him 2 years to die.
Yeah?
And he always said, "Listen,
I made it to 70.
I'm going to say in Tehillim, "Person
who lives till 70, I got everything
that's coming to me."
And the next 2 years he made such a
kiddush Hashem because it didn't matter
how much pain he was in and from the
chemotherapy and everything, he would
say, "Baruch Hashem.
Hashem's been good to me. I got
everything I was supposed to get."
You understand? You know what a kiddush
Hashem is and what a chinuch is?
Our kids hear from us how wonderful
Kodesh Baruch Hu is and how wonderful it
is.
So, we have to change it up here. This
is the ikkar avodah. I'll give some
techniques and ideas, but the ikkar
avodah is up here. And if you don't do
it up here, all the other methods and
and tricks are not going to work. You
have to change yourself.
What's the ikkar avodah v'ello?
The ikkar avodah, I'm not talking about
everything else. The ikkar avodah, says
Reb Yitzchak Isaac Sher, Rosh Yeshiva of
Slabodka,
the ikkar avodah is what the Beis Yaakov
says, "Ani l'dodi v'dodi li."
I love Hashem and Hashem loves me.
That's the ikkar avodah, and it's poshut
why.
How can you go into Rosh Hashanah?
You're going to go into Yom Hadin, and
you walk in there and there's the judge,
and he knows everything, and you can't
bribe him, and you can't influence him,
and he sees everything, and everything
is hidden, and you think he doesn't like
you.
So, why are we wasting our time? Just
shoot me now.
You know why I'm wasting my time?
But if you have to go into that
judgment, and there's the person who
loves you more than everybody in this
world,
and he's rooting for you.
He believes in There were these
billboards somebody took out many years
ago, white with black lighting and it
was signed God. I don't think Hashem
actually took them out, but it was
signed on his behalf.
Different kind of things, you know? I
wrote a book, want to read it, God. You
know, stuff like this.
So,
here's There was one that made a
profound impression on me. It said, "But
I believe in you."
God.
Why? Cuz there's so many people who ask
themselves, "Do I believe in God?" But
Hashem says, "I believe in you."
You believe Hashem believes in you?
Ask this question to yourself. And if if
you're too afraid to ask yourself, ask
it to other from Jews.
Do you think Hashem loves you?
So, there were people who've heard this
enough times already that they can't
even get it out. Yes.
So, I asked them a harder question.
Do you think Hashem likes you?
He likes me?
I said, "Okay, let's take a step
further. Do you think Hashem is
impressed with you?"
That I haven't met one from Jewry that
could say yes.
No. Hashem is disappointed in me.
Cuz I don't live up to my potential and
I'm not good enough.
He'll wait for me till the day I die and
then if I don't change, he will cast me
into the pit of Gehenna out of love so
that I will be cleansed.
But right now, do you see Hashem
looking at you saying,
"Way to go, Joe."
You're great. You're terrific.
You know why? I'll tell you I'll I'll
give you the most important n'kuda of
chinuch.
I started Yeshiva Day School in 1964.
Yeah.
Scary idea, but that's when I started.
First grade. I skipped kindergarten. I
was too bright. Yeah. I started 1964,
first grade.
And when I went to Yeshiva, you have to
understand, at that point, 1964,
everybody knew that Torah was dead in
America.
You know?
I met the son of the Chernobyl Rebbe.
And I said to him, "Listen, I said, you
got a family business. Why why don't you
become a rebbe?" So, the first thing he
says to me, "Do I look like a rebbe?"
And then he said to me, "What do you
think? You look around now at the
rebbe's. What do you think it would look
like? When all the rebbe's came to
America, there was nothing."
So, who do you think came to my father's
dish? The homeless, the poor, you know,
that had no place to go, you know? Now
you look at the Hasidim, you know what
it took to build these places? There was
nothing when they came.
You know?
So, he says, "You know,
I was going to do this, you know?"
He says he says
it's a
takes a tremendous amount, you know,
tremendous amount of effort. You have to
work really hard. He says, "Okay."
You know?
But uh
But
uh you know,
a person person's going to to build this
You come in and there's there's nothing
there.
You know?
You know that Hakadosh Baruch Hu, you
know, believes in you.
Yeah? I believe in you.
Hakadosh Baruch Hu is is is smiling at
you and he cares about you.
So, do you know that he's impressed with
you?
How many people can say that? How many
people can really say that Hashem, you
know, thinks I'm terrific?
Yeah.
But that's the emes. The emes is that
that we have to, you know, set a
a message.
And people look at the kids look at us
and they say, "Wow."
You know?
Hashem is smiling at us.
Hashem cares about us.
And you have to believe that.
Yeah?
So, we have to change this. Ani l'dodi
v'dodi li.
Hakadosh Baruch Hu believes in us.
Hakadosh Baruch Hu cares about us.
And you have to have this up here.
Yeah?
Hakadosh Baruch Hu is impressed with us.
That's a very important word.
Yeah? Not just that he
tolerates us and he waits for us. Yeah?
And the more you work on this, better.
So, how are you going to do this?
Yeah?
I believe in you, right?
So, start by taking a look at all the
stuff that Hashem does for you. I
remember seeing a bumper sticker
20 years ago.
It said, "God, what have you done for me
lately?"
Yeah? What have you done for me lately?
You know?
So, I started doing it
years ago. Somebody said to me it really
belongs in both of them. That's probably
true, but you know, if I can keep kavana
for the first bracha, I'm pretty happy.
I get to the words gomel chasadim tovim
vekoneh hakol. When I get to those words
gomel chasadim tovim, I say, "Like
what?"
Let me think of something that Hashem
did for me.
Vekoneh hakol, and it comes to my share.
Okay. So, I started off three times a
day and I don't repeat.
So, you start off, baruch Hashem, I can
walk, baruch Hashem, I can talk, baruch
Hashem, I can see, baruch Hashem. Okay,
you know.
When I ran out of body parts, you know
what I mean? So, then I started, "Wood,
baruch Hashem, for wood. That's a good
thing, you know. Air conditioning, that
was a great idea. Glass, terrific, you
know." I'm
going through stuff, you know.
And then I went to speak for a a
school for special children.
And I went down to see the school, and I
saw they kept putting drops in one of
the kids' eyes, and I said, "What's
that?" He says, "Their eyes don't make
tears."
And so, you have to keep putting drops
in it. And I went back when I davened
mincha, and I came to the words gomel
chasadim tovim, and I said, "Baruch
Hashem, my eyes make tears."
Yeah?
And that was the turning point for me.
And I just started looking over and over
again at all the things that happened.
And I'll tell you the truth, sometimes I
have to cheat cuz I don't know which one
to choose. I see so many good things
that go on every single day. Someone
said to me, "Why does Hashem do so many
bad things to me?" I said, "He doesn't.
He does so many good things to you, but
you take credit for that."
And all the good things that Hashem
does, you take credit for yourself.
You almost get into a You ever almost
get into an accident and it's like
almost a nice, you know, just miss it.
What do you say afterwards? "Wow, I'm
such a great driver."
I'm brilliant. And the one time that you
act stupid and you get into an accident,
you say, "Where was Hashem?
Why did he let this happen to me?" You
know?
When you If you're going to see If you
give Hashem If you're going to blame him
for the bad, you got to give him credit
for the good. And trust me how much good
there is that goes on in your day.
You understand that if you do this three
times a day,
365 days a year, in 10 years, you'll
have counted 11,000
things that Hashem did for you.
Over and over. Yeah?
All the good that Hashem does for you in
every single instance, in every single
situation.
An unbelievable thing.
If you focus on the fact and you believe
I need a do do do do do do Hashem loves
me and he believes in me and he's
impressed with me.
I told you the story about the rapper.
You know why?
Because
there was nothing back then.
So, when I started school,
if you were willing to be a firm Jew,
that was an unbelievable thing.
And so, it didn't matter if you were
good if you were bad or if you made
trouble, they wouldn't ever throw you
out of school. They couldn't. They
didn't have enough Jews.
If you went, you got one message. You
are a hero. You're keeping Torah alive.
You're somebody special. And if you did
something bad, you went to the principal
and he sighed.
And he says, "I I know your family.
They're such nice people. Don't do that
again, okay? Be a good boy. Go back to
class, yeah?" They'd throw somebody out
you. Couldn't have enough people.
Today Hashem we have too many Jews.
There's no question about it.
You can't find a deer. Can't find an
apartment. You know, can't find parking.
Well, we can get rid of some.
So, every kid goes to school today and
they get a message. Sometimes openly and
sometimes it's just implied.
We don't need you here.
I got four of the kids waiting for your
spot. Step out of line and you're gone.
We can throw kids out. We can throw them
away cuz we got too many.
They couldn't throw me away. They needed
me. I was a star.
Now we don't need anybody.
We got plenty of from Jews. We can get
rid of a few.
And so everybody every kid walks around
and what does every parent walk around?
Terrified.
Don't go around like that. Don't do
this. Don't do this. Don't do that.
We'll get into trouble. And if you get
it thrown out of school, then forget it.
Then no other kid is ever going to get
accepted and our whole family is thrown
out and no one will ever get a shot up.
You better watch yourself.
Cuz we got to watch you.
Don't step out of line.
We don't need you.
They needed me.
It didn't matter how bad I was.
Yeah?
And so therefore we have to change the
way that we look at it and the children
will see us. So, let's take a simple
example.
People ask me this question
more than once.
How do you make your kids sit at the
Shabbos table?
I don't make my kids sit at the Shabbos
table. It's a schuss to sit at the
Shabbos table.
My kid wants to go off to the side, he's
missing out.
Then everybody ask me, "How do you make
your kids eat ice cream?"
Here's the ice cream and the kid won't
eat it. I got to make him eat it. What
am I going to do? Should I give him a
punch till he eats it? How do I get him
to eat the candy?
If the kid doesn't want to sit at the
Shabbos table, there's something wrong
with how a Shabbos table. Did you ever
sit down and look at your Shabbos table
and say, "Why would a kid want to sit
here?
How does a kid enjoy this?
That's the question you have to ask
yourself.
You know?
So
it depends on the on the kids, depends
on the age.
There was a when I didn't prepare
I used to prepare riddles, I used to
prepare jokes, I used to prepare puzzles
so that the kids would sit there and
they'd have a great time.
They would they would
they would love to sit at the Shabbos
table, it was so much fun.
When the kids got a little older, if if
you have teens and preteens, what do
they love to do more than anything? Hear
themselves talk.
So I'd ask them a question.
I'd ask them a question.
This
the
says that
you know
cuz I was a there so I had to agree to
terms. said the first kid has to be to
them.
Why? says the cuz he wanted at least one
kid to become a child. Let him find it
on his own.
So I said to my kids, is that a good
idea?
Should you expose your kids to different
kind of things so that they can choose
or should you protect them and keep them
away?
They had lots to say. And when I tell
the story over people ask me and what
did you tell them? I said nothing.
I just let them talk. What could be more
exciting than that? They get to give
their opinions, they get to give their
idea. What do you think about it? Don't
worry about it.
Parents have plenty of time to lecture
their kids. Don't worry.
We have plenty of shortage of that.
Yeah? That's what we do best. I used to
write a
in the and I stopped. And I said, I
don't have to write a whole column. I'll
tell it to you very simple. Don't say
95% of what you want to say cuz it's
probably negative and it doesn't matter
cuz they won't listen anyway. Say that 5
to 10% of positive things cuz that's
what you need to do.
Don't worry about it. You don't have to
worry. You worry you don't tell your
kids enough time cuz they look like they
weren't listening to you. They're
listening. You know this because later
when you tell your kids how much you
love them, they'll throw it back in your
face. So, you know they were listening.
Don't worry about it. They hear every
negative comment you make. Don't worry.
You know, make yourself say more
positive building things. Show them how
wonderful it is. Show them that you're
impressed with them, that Baruch Hu is
impressed with them.
Yeah?
Make the Shabbos table something that
people want to do. You know, I I have my
zemiros that I sing. I have certain
nigunim that I enjoy. Not all my kids
like those nigunim.
So, I'll turn to a kid and I'll say, "Go
ahead. You You You choose the nigun for
this." You know?
And
uh you know, let them do it.
Let them enjoy it. Make it a Shabbos
table that they want to sit at.
People say to me, "Oh, Pesach is so
negative in our house. It's so
tension-filled and cleaning and that."
I understand because the Pesach hotel
industry is a billion-dollar industry.
That means that people can't handle
Pesach. I understand that.
Yeah?
We can't handle it.
We never heard that from our
grandparents, you know?
Forget.
My best Some of my favorite memories of
growing up was getting ready for the
Seder.
You know?
Grate the chrain and and and chop up the
apples for the for the charoses, you
know, and
grate the apples and chop up the nuts.
You know, you make you make everything
everything ready. Isn't that so
exciting?
Are the kids feeling that excitement?
I'll tell you better than that.
We spend so much time cleaning and
shopping and cooking and serving.
Why? So, we get to the Pesach Seder. In
the Pesach Seder, there's a mitzvah to
talk to your kids.
A mitzvah.
And I ask parents, "How much time did
you spend preparing what you want to
tell them?"
Or you're just going to tell them what
you told them last year and the year
before and 10 years before that.
Somebody told me once there's called a
lawyer with 10 years experience and a
lawyer with 1 year experience 10 times.
He just kept doing the same stuff over
and over again. There's no heart to
that.
I say the same thing. There's some
people who've had 10 Pesach Seders, and
some people who've had one Pesach Seder
10 times.
What do you want to give a message? You
got to give a message to your kids
today, not not 20 years ago or 50 years
ago or 100 years ago.
Everyone has to see themselves he will
they went out of mitzrayim. That means
that it has to be a message for me
today.
What do you want to tell your kids? What
a unbelievable opportunity. Do you think
about the Seder? Baruch Hashem, my kids
are very jealous of the Seder. When I
invite Orchim, they get upset cuz this
is their time. They love it.
I'm I'm a little bit of a I'm a little
bit of a you know
of a a crazy guy, you know. When I was
in Yeshiva, you know what I loved?
We used to light
and we used to stop in the Seder. We'd
go down to the
the dining room. We'd all light the
Chanukah licht.
And then the whole Yeshiva would sing
Maoz Tzur.
And when we came to Yevanim Nikvetzu
Azai, we used to dance.
And we went back to the Beis Medrash.
And and I loved that.
So in my house, when my kids were very
little, you know what I did? I'd light
the candles.
I'd sing you know, Maoz Tzur. When we
came to Yevanim, we would dance.
And it's so interesting. My kids would
go through a phase, you know, where they
reached a point where they were too cool
for that. I'm too cool for that.
They'd sit on the side.
They always came back.
They always came back into the circle.
They got a little older.
And one kid was in America. Used to call
up every day for Havdalah.
You know.
This was not one of my more positive
kids.
And I heard her say to one of her
sisters once, "I love Havdalah candles
in our house."
Do your kids love Havdalah candles?
And if not, why not? What are we doing?
I I I have kids who like to go to
Slichos with me.
Not many, Some.
And I sit down with them the night
before Slichos and we go through the
Slichos and I show them what we say and
what we don't say and I underline, you
know, when you come to the Pizmon, the
part that you're supposed to repeat, you
know, and I tell them this this that and
I got I have eight daughters, you
understand? So, they're not all sitting
next to me, you know. And and they have
their Slichos with everything written in
and and underlined and I do the same
thing before Rosh Hashanah and before
Yom Kippur with the Machzor. They know
what we say and where we say it and what
we do.
You know?
You have to You have to make the Yomim
Noraim a time that people feel that like
wow, this is this is this is something
that I want my kids to give over.
Is learning fun for kids? Do they enjoy
learning?
You know?
So, my girls when they'd have a Chumash
test, you know, we always made sure
they'd study. They'd always learn with
me. Chumash and Rashi and I'd always
bring in other stuff, you know, that I
that I'd bring in the Pshat cuz I used
to be a teacher myself, you know.
You know? Learn with my boys Mishnayos,
you know, Gemara.
Is it something enjoyable? Do they look
forward to it?
You know? I see people go to Shul and
they kids sit sit there.
Kid can't even read. Now, sit there.
I wouldn't let my my older son come to
Shul with me until he asked.
And then when he would come,
you know, he'd stay for a certain amount
of time and I'd hand him my watch and I
He didn't even know how to tell time. I
said, "You see the big hand? When it
gets on the one, come back. Go outside
and play."
And he always came back. And then we'd
come to the you know, I would just say
"Go go outside and play again. Come back
with
Come back with this."
And I didn't let him stay in longer
until he asked me to.
Cuz I want the kid to have memories
that, you know, going to Shul is
something wonderful.
I know some kids, now they're adults,
they can't go to Shul They can't go to
Shul because their father had hit them
so many times they have such a negative
attitude about going to Shul. It's
something that's so terrible.
If a person understands that I had a
coach brother who loves me, I have an
all powerful friend
who can do anything and say anything
and solve all my problems and he loves
me and he's looking out for me.
You understand how it changes your life?
Now, I know certain people who are not
happy and they think that there's
nothing that they can do about it and
that's just the way and you grow up in a
house with unhappy parents and the kids
are unhappy and everybody's unhappy and
there's this
terrible feeling in the house. I want to
tell you, it's not not because of the
positive
I know somebody says to me, I always get
depressed on Sukkot cuz there's a
mitzvah for simcha
and I can't handle the pressure.
You better cheer up or you're going to
go to gehenna. You understand like, you
know, it doesn't work that way.
Maybe a quick word about gehenna. You
know, I tell people, you know you can't
really burn a neshama.
Your neshama doesn't burn, you know
that, right?
I said if you're worried about burning,
you know, save up your money and and and
and invest in cryogenics, you know what
I mean? They'll they'll freeze you, wrap
you in aluminum foil, put you in the
freezer. You could check every now and
then. You're you're fine. There's no
smoke coming out of you, you know?
So, well, the the the reason they use
this mashal is because of the busha.
That's all That's what gehenna is.
Gehenna is
when a person turns around
and they're 60 years old and they look
back at their life and they say, "I
didn't do anything with my life." That's
terrible.
When people look at their marriage and
and after 25 years and I have nothing to
say to my wife or to my husband and we
never worked on our marriage, then that
marriage is going to be gehenna.
That's what it is. It's the busha of
realizing what I could have done with my
life.
You understand?
That it's it's it's an invitation not to
waste your time. Life is beautiful and
important.
So,
I'm saying that people have the ability
to control this. So, people say to me,
"Well, that's easy for you, Rabbi
Arlansky, cuz you are a
a naturally happy person." So, I'll let
you in on a little secret, I'm not. I'm
a naturally depressed person.
If I was a kid today, I'd for sure be on
medication. Yeah?
For probably the first 30 years of my
life, I was seriously depressed.
Yeah? And and I looked at everything
morbid and bitter and terrible. And you
know, like the Hazal say, they couldn't
drink from the water key marim hein. Not
that the water was bitter, they were
bitter. When you're bitter, everything's
bitter.
And if you have parents who are bitter,
the kids are going to be bitter, the
whole house is going to be bitter. We
have to change.
So, if a person is unhappy, remember,
simcha is a mida. Look in the Orchos
Tzaddikim, it's listed as a mida just
like kaas and kina and gaiva and
anything else.
You can make yourself happy. Conversely,
you can make yourself miserable.
We see people have everything in the
world and they're miserable. It doesn't
work that way, it's a mida. Now, by the
way, here's an interesting fact.
On a computer, you can create what's
called a macro, which means if you
always do the same six or seven, you
know,
keystrokes, you can make it into a
macro. Your brain does that
automatically.
When you start to think something, and
you keep thinking the same series of
thoughts, your brain creates a shortcut.
And so, when you think the first one,
the synapses fire up and you go boom
boom boom boom boom. So, if you start to
think something and you always end up in
the same depressing place, you'll get
there.
You have to stop it right away.
Listen to the music.
Person's unhappy, listen to the music.
If you can find some positive music.
There's a lot of depressing music out
there. You can find some happy music.
Something that puts a smile on your
face. Look at yourself and smile. Do you
know that when you smile,
psychologically, your entire
um body changes?
I don't know, we're doing a fundraising
video once in my Yeshiva where I was I
was teaching and I and they said, "Try
to get the kids smiling because when
people see smiling faces, they give more
money.
You know,
when you smile when you look at yourself
and you smile, even if you don't feel
like it, you make yourself smile, which
by the way is a mitzvah. Yeah? The cover
called the upon him your face.
The Vilna Gaon, he didn't waste any
time.
Nothing, not a minute.
His tell me them came in once and saw
him looking at the mirror going like
this.
Trying out different smiles.
They said, "Rebbe, what are you doing?"
And he says, "It says the cover called
the upon him your face. I want to see
what's the nicest face I can make.
So I can greet everyone with a pleasant
face. Look at yourself with a pleasant
face, you'll see your own smiling face,
it'll change your attitude.
Listen to something funny, laugh out
loud. Do you know that when you laugh,
your body releases endorphins? It's a
type of a narcotic in your body, a
natural one, where you actually feel
better.
I I you know, they say laughter is the
best medicine. That may not be true, but
it's a very good narcotic.
When a person laughs, they feel better.
Yeah?
They feel good.
So,
uh
we have the ability to change our
attitude.
There's no such a thing as we can't do
it.
A person has the ability to be happy, to
be to be uh
uh
you know, to look at life positively.
And if a person thinks to themselves, I
remember I had somebody once
says to me, "Where's all the simcha in
Judaism?" I said, "What do you mean?"
Being close to God.
He said, "I don't know if I believe in
God." I said, "I have nothing to offer
you.
You like your gefilte fish, eat it. You
know, you want to you want to uh shake a
lulav, go ahead. You like eating matzah?
I said, "The but when we get close to
God,
that's everything. We have to believe
that ourselves. We have to teach it to
our children. That's Shema Yisrael
Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad.
We have to love God with all your heart,
with all your soul, with all your might.
uv'chol me'odecha. That's what it's
saying. Look at the sefer Hinnuch.
Hashem is Echad. He's everything.
So, love Hashem because it's better than
everything else in this world. And that,
remind yourself all the time, I'm not
doing mitzvahs cuz I have to, I'm going
to get punished. I'm doing it to get
this unbelievable pleasure in this
world. Not when I'm dead, now. I can
daven and lift myself out of this world.
I can keep Shabbos and take myself out.
Why do we keep kosher?
People say to me, you know, I ask this
question. Why do we keep kosher? They
say, "Well, it's for health and
hygiene." I said, "Then you and I are
obviously eating in different kosher
restaurants, cuz the ones that I go to,
there's a lot of stuff going on, but
it's not health and hygiene, you know?"
I said, "Why do we eat kosher?" The
Torah says,
cuz otherwise you'll have timtum halev,
you'll be closed off to this ruchniyus.
I have a friend of mine who's an
armchair kabbalist,
you know?
So, at the end, when he's teaching
baalei teshuvah, he or potential baalei
teshuvah, he does his party trick. He
goes around the room and he tells
everybody who keeps kosher and who
doesn't, and he's always right.
And they're like, "How do you know?" He
says, "Cuz I threw in one advanced idea
and these people got it and you didn't,
cuz you don't keep kosher."
Shabbos is a wave of kedusha that fills
the world. And all the mitzvahs are just
there so we can tap into this ruchniyus.
We daven, it lifts us out of this world.
That's what it's supposed to be. And
when we live our lives that way,
and we give it over to our children,
then we're able to live a life that's
filled with simcha and ahavas Hashem,
and then we would see ourselves
differently and our children differently
and our home differently. And the more
we hit that, the more it'll ripple out
to other communities and other families.
We see it sometimes. You go to a family
and say, "How do I get my kids to feel
that way?" It's because there's a home
that's filled with ahava and with simcha
and Hakadosh Baruchu.
You spoke earlier about the son of
Hashem. How we bring that practically?
How can a person
bring it to our level in our days,
2015?
How can we reach the level of the son of
Hashem?
So,
you know, it's interesting.
The most important things we do, and I I
mentioned this, but it's important. The
most important things that we do are up
here.
It's in our head.
I was teaching in a seminary and the
girls would make appointments already in
November.
Right? They came in September.
They have a week of orientation, you
know, then they have a few sample
classes.
Then it's the Yom Tov right? And they're
already on vacation, you know what I
mean?
They maybe had a month
and they make meetings with me and they
say, "I don't feel like I'm growing. I
don't feel like I changed. It's been a
whole month."
So, what does that mean, you know? Well,
I don't know. I didn't change. This
wardrobe thing, I didn't do this. I'm
not doing this. I didn't say this.
I said, "Don't you understand the ikar
of avodah is up here?"
A person has to really believe Think
about that for a minute.
Picture cuz I'm I'm going to give you a
technique.
Don't do this in front of people because
they'll lock you away. But, you know,
you know, they say the definition of a
wise person uh the day definition of a
holy person is someone who talks to
Hashem. The definition of a crazy person
is someone who hears Hashem talking to
him, yeah?
So, I'm going to make a suggestion. This
is what I tell people to make it real.
Talk to Hakadosh Baruchu.
So, a person says to me, "I daven." I
said, "I didn't say daven. Talk to
Hakadosh Baruchu ke'ilu he's real. Let's
say he really exists."
I've heard many from people say to me,
"I know there's a God. I just don't
believe it." I said, "Right. I I got you
there." It's hard. He's invisible. You
don't see him. You I understand. But,
when I was uh I know people can't leave
a message on an answering machine, they
just freeze up.
It's hard to talk to somebody you don't
see, you know?
I said, "Let's just pretend that Eloha
Sham really exists and he's really
there. He's really listening to you.
Talk to him.
Yeah?
Tell him how you're feeling. Tell him
what you're going on. Tell him what's
happening in your day. Try it. I know it
sounds crazy. Try it. Make it an
exercise.
And if you do this
and I've given this advice to a lot of
people and it's always
I always get the same reaction.
Yeah?
Go You'll go through steps.
First, you'll feel crazy and stupid.
That's okay.
You're going to feel that way anyway, so
why not? Yeah?
After a while, you'll feel like someone
is listening to you. Do you know what I
mean?
Sometimes you're talking on the phone
and you don't hear anybody, but you know
the person's there?
Some people don't know that. You have
certain people always going, "Hello?
Hello? Hello?" You know?
They need constant reassurance, you
know? I'm not one of those uh-huh kind
of people. So, people sometimes have to
say, "Are you there?" You know? Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But sometimes you're talking and you
know someone's listening.
And then, if you get really good at
this, you'll start to get answers. Like
I said, you won't hear voices, I hope.
But you'll start to see things in your
life where you're like, "The hashgacha
is so dramatic that you know it could
have been Eloha Sham has to be there.
There's no other way this could have
happened."
You know?
Um
one of my sister-in-laws once gave me an
example. She said she lost her car keys,
you know?
So, you know how this works. You know,
so you go around, you look for your car
keys, you can't find them. So, then you
go into a impotent rage, screaming and
yelling, then you calm down, you say,
"Okay, let me try again." You go over
everything very carefully and it's still
not there. Then you go through another
period of rage. Yeah? So, she says,
"After I finished all that, I said,
'Okay, Eloha Sham, you're obviously
trying to send me a message. What are
you trying to send me?
You're trying to tell me that I'm not in
charge. Okay, so here's the deal. I
can't find my keys.
If you don't want me to go, I won't go.
If you want me to go, then you'll help
me find my keys. But I understand and
I'll Nevada, it's completely up to you.
So So I opened the drawer that I had
opened twice already. And there were my
car keys.
Yeah?
So you'll start to get answers.
But the more you make a Kodesh Baruch Hu
real, that's the way you say Hashem. And
like I say, count the things that Hashem
does for you. When you realize that
Hashem loves you and Hashem is real. And
you practice this,
you'll start to feel how Kodesh Baruch
Hu in your life. And the more you feel
how Kodesh Baruch Hu in your life, then
when you davening, you're not just
saying words, you're davening to
somebody who's real.
You can sense a Kodesh Baruch Hu and
then you're davening it's a whole
different thing. Could you imagine that
you're talking to Kodesh Baruch Hu and
you see how Kodesh Baruch Hu in front of
you and you say "Let us shine your
light."
Tashuva, Hashem, let's rebuild Jerusalem
and it's real.
It's not just words, it's real.
So I I think that's a a good technique.
And how can we give that over to our
children?
So the best way is by example. That's
why kids are always watching you.
They're watching you, they're listening
to you, they know what you say, they
know what you do, they know what you
believe. Pesach Krohn tells a great
story, you know,
um of uh this uh
you know, this father's trying to tell
the kid not to lie, you know, the kid
was lying. Don't lie.
So he says, "What are you talking about?
When we drove up to to to you know, the
the the simcha in Toronto,
you know, and we came to the border
crossing and they said are you bringing
in any food? You told the guy no and we
were all sitting out in the back seat."
You know? You have parents sometimes who
say say to a kid, you know,
uh it's very important not to lie. Um
Mr. Jones is on the phone, tell him I'm
not here. You have to always tell the
truth, you understand?
Would you ever see a mother do this Stop
yelling! I can't take the yelling. Stop
yelling!
Well, here's my favorite. Don't touch.
Instead,
kids aren't listening, they're watching.
They see where we are. I had
I had eight girls and one boy. I got two
little boys later in life when I was too
old to kill them. But but I had eight
girls and one boy. And boys are
different than girls.
You know, boys express themselves by
hitting each other. They'll pick up a
toy and smack each other. They have that
They express themselves. Girls just
annoy each other
until they develop eating disorders. You
know, it's a whole different kind of
thing, you know.
So, Yacov is screaming at somebody, my
son, you know, I come in. He's little,
you know. And I said, "What are you
screaming? You know, you can't scream.
You have to stay calm." Take a look.
Now, I live in Israel where chocolate is
a food group. You know what I mean? You
know,
you can send a kid to school Rosh
Chodesh, you know, two pieces of white
bread with like chocolate spread on it.
You know what I mean? You send it in.
That's that's already a sandwich. If you
sent the kid to America with two pieces
of white bread with a candy bar in
between, they'd put you They'd take your
kid away. You know what I'm saying? You
know. So, everyone Every home in Israel
has a big jar of chocolate, you know. He
says, "Look."
So, the three-year-old had her hands in
the chocolate and she had finger painted
the table.
And I said, "What are you crazy? Look
what you did."
Anyway, and I stopped and my son says,
"See? Just like you."
So, the more you believe it and kids
know what you believe. They know
perfectly well where your values are.
I had a guy in Ohr Sameach and he said
to me
that he's one of three boys and they all
intermarried. So, he got divorced and
then he he's finding his way back to
Judaism. He says, "One time I said to my
parents, 'Did it bother you that all of
your kids intermarried?'" Parents said,
"Yeah."
My mother said, "Yeah." I said, "So, why
don't you ever say anything?" He says,
"I didn't want to impose my values on my
children."
And he looks at me and he says, "But you
know, one time I used a bad word for a
black person and my mother washed my
mouth out with soap.
So, I guess she didn't mind imposing
certain values on us."
And so, we all know from our parents
what's really important to them and what
they believe in. And you can see it over
and over again. So, you think about it.
If you tell your parents, what do your
parents really believe in?
You You know.
What's really important to your parents?
You know.
And you'll be able to bring 20 stories.
Not that cuz they told you.
Because you felt it. You saw it. They
lived it.
Do you have any practical ideas how to
make a Shabbat atmosphere by a Shabbat
meal?
Yeah.
I gave them already, but I'll give them
again.
You know,
uh
is
Look, you know, when when you're going
to bring a when a little kid starts
walking or crawling around,
so parents know you have to child-proof
the home,
right? And oy vey voy if you don't.
They'll open up a cabinet. They'll bring
things out of over here. They'll pull
this. It was a terrible story here in
Jerusalem where some kid little kid
pulled the string of the Shabbat urn and
the whole thing came down and and and
and spilled on them boiling hot water.
Terrible terrible stuff. So, you have to
child-proof the house. You walk around
the house and you say to yourself, "What
could a kid do here? Where's it going to
be a problem? What's on the floor?
What's over here? You know?"
Do the same thing with the Shabbat
table.
Say,
I look at the Shabbat table and I say,
"Is this a place that a kid would want
to be at?"
I um
I used to make a Shabbat party for my
kids. I gave up my Shabbat nap. I know
this is heresy in many places. I gave up
my Shabbat nap.
And I tell my kids, they were all little
at the time, "You can invite in all your
little friends." And all the little
friends in the building would come in.
And they'd all sit around the table and
I'd give them every little napkin and
I'd give them a treat with every bracha.
You know, they would get a uh
pretzel and they'd get a bisli and a
mizyanis and I'd pour little grape
juices for everybody and I'd give them a
piece of apple or orange or clementine,
and I'd give them, you know, can every
all the brochos, and we'd make all the
brochos together, we'd eat all the food,
and then
I'd ask a few parsha questions, and we'd
sing a couple of songs, and all that.
Anyway, I had a very chashuva breich in
my building, and he said to me, I patted
myself on the back.
What a master mechanech I am, because my
kid came over to me and said, "Tati, I
love Shabbos."
And I said, "Really?
Why do you love Shabbos?"
He said, "Cuz the Olawskis make a
Shabbos party."
So, you look at it and say, how how is a
kid going to come to the Shabbos table
and enjoy it?
That's always the question. What's going
to be fun for them? I don't care what I
want to bring across. You know what I
want to bring across more than anything?
That the kid should have a good time.
That's the most important thing. I want
my kids to walk away and say, "Wow, I
love that going to the Shabbos table. I
love sitting there." You know? I'm going
to give them treats that they like. I'm
going to sing songs that they like. I'm
going to tell them tell them jokes or
stories or whatever it is.
I have two jokes that I am so sick of,
because I told it over once at the
Shabbos table, and my kids loved it.
They made me tell it over every Shabbos
for months, till it was coming out of my
ears, but I did it with the same level
of enthusiasm. Have to act it out. It's
a It's a whole a whole hatzaga there.
They loved it.
Like I said, when they get older, we
would argue about things. Somebody once
came in, I was having a fight with
arguing with one of my kids, you know,
one of my older daughters, and everybody
in the table was screaming and yelling,
and these people stopped in the house,
and they just like opened the door, and
they looked, and they just like ran
away.
And the kids got to arguing and to
fighting and to screaming and yelling.
They were so excited.
Yeah? You got to look at it and say, why
would a kid like to be at the Shabbos
table?
How can I be excited about Yiddishkeit
when I'm in a bad mood and have no
patience?
Mhm.
That's it's it's an easy question if
you're an animal. That's that's a good
question cuz an animal can't help it. I
can't help it. That's my nature.
Right? The famous story where the
scorpion asked the frog to take him
across the river. So the the frog says,
"Are you crazy?
You're on my back, you'll sting me, I'll
die." He said, "That, don't be silly. I
sting you and you die, so then I'll die,
too."
Is that good for us? He gets in the
back, they're halfway through the water
and he feels a sting on his back.
The frog says, "What are you doing? Now
we're both going to drown." Then he
says, "I know, but that's my nature."
Yeah?
We are not victims. You have to change
the victim mentality. There's no such a
thing as I can't help it.
Yeah?
You know, the the label Leo, he was
waiting for an egged bus and for some
reason there was a big delay. He was on
his way to Hadassah to have an eye
operation. And everyone's staring down
the road. Where is it? Where is it?
What's happening? What's happening?
What's happening? And Reb Leib Bal Yoel
is just looking at the safer. And
finally, it's so long, he actually looks
up the road. And then he catches
himself, he says, "Oy.
The Alter of Kelm would have been so
disappointed in me. So little
self-control."
There's no such a thing I can't help it.
I can't help it. I'm in a bad mood. I'm
angry. I have to say, "What? Am I an
animal? I can't help it." It's
ridiculous.
Yeah? You're in a bad mood? So you
change your attitude. You know what I'm
saying? And like I said, put on some
music, you know, it's the same thing
with the temper. People says, "I can't
help it. I have I'll lose my temper. I
can't He made me angry. What is this?
What are you an animal? He made me
angry." There's no such a thing.
You slow down, you count to 10, you take
a deep breath, you think of of of all
the good things that God did for you,
you change your position. I'm not a
victim. If I'm unhappy, I'm depressed,
I'm miserable, etc. So then I stop and I
refocus.
Think of all the good things that God
does for you.
Laugh out loud. Look at yourself in a
mirror, make a face. I don't care what.
You take control of your life. You are
not a victim. You There's no such thing
as I can't help it.
We have such an attitude today that we
can't help it. When I was a kid,
you know, if you were walking and you
fell down, you broke your leg in front
of a store, the store owner came over to
you and said, "Why don't you watch where
you're going, you stupid kid?" And he
called your father, and your father came
down and said, "Why don't you watch
where you're going, you stupid kid?" And
he took you to the emergency room, and
the doctor said, "Why don't you watch
where you're going, you stupid kid?" And
you know what? Next time you watch where
you were going.
Today, if I fall down in front of the
store, I'm going to sue the store owner.
How come he had a hard sidewalk?
It's his fault.
It's everybody else's fault.
I was a mashgiach in a yeshiva during a
particularly dark period of my life.
I had this one kid who was more mature
than everybody else. I know cuz he would
always tell me how he was more mature
than everybody else. That was the only
way I knew, cuz you couldn't tell from
anything else.
And one time he says to me, you know,
how mature he is. And I said, "You know
what? Maturity is responsibility.
And our davening starts at 7:15, and you
don't get out of bed till after 11, and
often after 12. So, why do you think
you're so mature?" And he said to me,
"Maybe you should be asking yourself why
you can't motivate me to get out of bed.
Because ultimately, this is your
failure, isn't it, Rabbi?"
Cuz there's no problem that's so big you
can't blame it on somebody.
It's somebody else's fault. Oh, I had a
rabbi, he was mean to me. Oh, I had this
happen. Oh, my parents weren't good to
me. Whatever that. So what?
Now, pick yourself up and start life. So
what if you had a hard life? Life's
tough. You want to compare terrible
stories? I got plenty.
I choose to be happy. There's no such
things you got down, some things went
wrong. So what?
You're not an animal. You pull yourself
together, and you make yourself happy,
and you change your attitude.
How do I change my perspective of Hashem
being a boogie monster?
Boogie monster.
Boogie monster. How do I give that over
to my kids?
You know,
my my kids hear me say all the time
all the wonderful things Hashem does for
me.
I travel a lot.
You know, when I go to speak places,
they introduce me as a world-famous
speaker. And I always point out a
world-famous speaker means a guy with no
job. That's what it is. You know, so I
can travel around cuz I've nothing to
do, yeah.
So
So, uh
when I come back from the trip,
so I go over the trip, where I went,
what I went, what went on, etc.
So, that usually goes with the Shabbos
meal. So, it's one Friday night, my son,
he was he was young at the time, maybe
he was seven, maybe he was eight.
And he says, "Abba, you didn't tell us
all of the hashgacha protis yet on this
trip."
He understood that I didn't say that.
It's just I would say, "Well, let me
tell you, Hashem did this for me and
that for me and this for me, you know."
And whenever I would point it out, I
would say, "Ah, and he does stuff like
that for me all the time."
It's not a big deal, you know.
A guy drove me to the airport late.
It's late. I got to the counter
a half hour after the plane was supposed
to take off, and the plane was delayed
cuz there was terrible weather. And I
was like, "Baruch Hashem."
So, I went to the desk and they said,
"Not going to help you. This flight is
overbooked. There are 20 people on a
waiting list in front of you. There's
not a chance that you're going to get on
this flight."
I said, "I'll wait anyway."
And I'm waiting and I'm waiting.
Eventually, the plane comes. And first,
everybody else had to get off the plane,
and then everybody had to get on the
plane, you know. And they board
everybody, you know, area one, two,
three, four, five, you know. And then
they start calling the standbys. And
they go through one name, two names,
three names, five names. And finally,
she says, "You know what? Everyone just
get on the plane."
So, I went over and said, "What
happened?" She says, "They sent a bigger
plane."
Had I gotten to the airport on time, I
would have been in one of those middle
seats. Everybody was all crowded in the
whole front of the plane. The back of
the plane was empty. I had a whole row
to myself.
And I said, when I told the story over,
"And Hashem does stuff like that for me
all the time.
They constantly look at all the good.
And my kids know
that I live a life where Hakadosh Baruch
Hu is always watching out for me and
always doing good things for me. And
they see it and they hear it.
You know, there are other people who
hear their parents complain about how
terrible it is and how Hashem hurt me
and why why did this happen and why did
that happen? And I'm like, "Oh, Hakadosh
Hashem."
I live in Yerushalayim.
A s'chut.
And uh
you know, when people say to me uh
you know, something when things go
wrong. Things go wrong in everybody's
life. I say, "Listen, we have water.
You know, for most of Yerushalayim's
history, there was no water.
It rained. You filled up your your
cistern and bore under your house. And
that's all the water you had till it
rained again. The next the next season.
You know, I said, "Now you can turn on
the faucet and get water anytime you
want. Unbelievable chesed. All right,
all the other terrible things that are
going on. What do you want to look at?
You want to look at the good or you want
to look at the bad? And they're both
there. You can choose to look at
whatever you want. I choose to look at
all the good things that Hakadosh Baruch
Hu does for me. And that's what my kids
hear from me.
How can I teach my children to enjoy
davening? And really ask, how can I
teach myself to enjoy davening?
That's a better question.
First of all, you have to choose a shul
that is user-friendly.
Yeah?
There are certain places where people go
to daven and they do not enjoy the
davening. Now, maybe it's too fast,
maybe it's too dragged out, maybe
there's not enough singing, maybe it's
uh you know,
you know, an uncomfortable atmosphere.
You got to find a place that's
user-friendly. That the Baruch Hashem.
Now, if you live in a small community
and you don't have a choice, there's
only one shul. So, you're going to have
no choice. You're going to make the best
of it. But if you go someplace where,
you know, you have a choice of shuls,
find a shul that's positive. And if not,
create your own.
You know, again, we're not victims.
We're not stuck. Make a minyan that's
going to be the of minyan that you want,
even if it's meeting in your living
room, you know? It's going to be a
happy, positive place.
That's number one.
Number two is
you have to understand the davening.
You know?
So, people say to me, "Well, I have an
ArtScroll."
I said, "Oh, good." It used to be you
didn't know what you were saying in
Hebrew, now you don't know what you're
saying in English. You understand? But,
you know, you go through the ArtScroll,
it doesn't make any more sense to you
than it did in Hebrew.
Cuz in Hebrew, at least it sounds more
poetic, you know what I mean?
I said, "You have to get a peirush and
you have to go through the words.
That's why it's called the avodah
shebalev. It's an avodah.
And you have to look at those words,
like I showed you with gomel chasadim
tov u'metiv kol hayom, right? You have
to do that with every line in davening
and find how it's going to be
meaningful. Now, this takes years.
But, you have to start today.
Buy some wonderful peirushim on the on
the siddur. I I I can't really recommend
anything cuz I don't know what's what's
out there today. But, read through them
and find a p'shat in these words that
have meaning to you. I don't care if you
can It's not a test.
It has to be that when you say those
words, those words have meaning to you.
Yeah?
And if they don't have meaning to you,
yeah, you're not going to say it.
She'oscha kivisi kol hayom.
Those words have meaning to you? They
sure should.
You don't need a yeshu'ah?
You know?
You can go through every line in
davening. Now, it takes time.
I'll give you a little thing left over
from high school, geometry. What's the
definition of a line? It's a series of
points.
You have to keep adding points onto that
line.
So, that
you're you're underlining or
highlighting two or three words in the
davening that have meaning to you, and
you think about that.
And you keep adding to it.
Once a month, other words
that have meaning to you. And the more
that the feel it becomes meaningful to
you,
then the more it's going to it's it's
it's going to resonate with you. It's
something you look forward to cuz you
want to say these things. You know why?
Cuz they're relevant to you. And the
more they're relevant to you, then the
more they'll be relevant to your
children, the more they'll see that
davening becomes something beautiful.
And you say with a shot.
Yeah?
I heard a beautiful idea. I think about
it every day when I say the Adon Olam.
Yeah?
And there's saying "Shall I get some
wool?"
Which I always thought, you know, he
gives
he gives
snow that looks like looks like wool.
So, I heard once from a rabbi piece.
He said
He says no saying
some wool cuz shall I shall I get some
wool?
As much wool as the sheep has, that's
how much snow there is.
Cuz no one gets more than they can
handle in this world.
And and you have to go through the
davening. And every time you find words
that are meaningful, you underline them
and you think about them.