Parenting Fundamentals: Understanding The Teen Mindset (Class 1 of 4)

okay we are in the second sheer of five in this series we did say that b we will discuss and focus a little bit more on the teenage uh years a little bit more uh difficult very difficult subject to speak about we do I do want to dedicate this she to being the fact that we're going through a very difficult time and uh we're losing many of our own children so even though this is a she on being our own children we are losing our children just yesterday 13 in one day we're killed if you realize so we don't realize we're hearing numbers and we compare it and we don't really realize how bad it is it's very very painful and therefore I feel that any that we're able to to do I always am very Pro telling people and trying you have to add something extra we have to do something else if they could be sleeping on the floor and doing what they're doing to be able to do this and M is risking their lives door too then I think that it's obvious that we should be doing that and at least if we could dedicate this idea of working on our children coming and investing in our children to invest over there so that would be a I'm going to start off with a word it's not so people so many people are familiar with it's called the paralysis what's that that is what we are more familiar with is the poopa you know what a poopa is a POA is one of the biggest miracles in the world that even scientists can barely get their fingers on to be able to figure out out one of the most natural Miracles that we have and like I said if you look in the science books themselves they actually write almost a kind of living Miracle is the fact that you get a Zak something that is a walking wingless creature called a caterpillar that's able to stumble around and do very clumsily act and do different types of ways he's able to disappear behind the Cocoon the Cocoon is what he develops around him the silk Aon that he Browns and he turns into a poopa which is known as a paralysis and that is is the idea that he kind of disappears then as we all know when the kakon hatches suddenly he turns into this absolutely magnificent flying creature called The Butterfly a the beauty compared to how ugly he was in the beginning and B the fact that he can actually change all his features but see what's most incredible is that it's literally and I I saw these these words in a scientific magazine once they called it literally that's what they wrote a resurrection of the dead because he has no pulse he has nothing he turns into somewhat of a larvae that he doesn't have any type of existence it doesn't have anything completely a complete newness that happened from nowhere something that turned into a soup and turns into an absolutely detailed sophisticated creature that can Mish fly from here to here how long did it take us to learn how to fly and here it is that this little caterpillar can go and disappear kill itself and kind of turn into something that actually is able to go aoft incredible incredible thing that we have that is the idea of the caterpillar turning into this butter fly now in the middle in the interim here's what we call a what's is they say in here he he's not there and he's not here he's not there and he's not anywhere he's somewhere where he's somewhere in the middle where he's not a caler p and he's not a butterfly he's neither but eventually he turns into something that's the power of this of this newness if you already hear the mush this is coming to make a Nel to what we are discussing today that is the ideas of the teenager yes he's a poopa he's nothing he's n here n here that's the problem that happens over here he's a little bit of an a place of imbalance of somewhere has left his youth has left his childhood background but he hasn't really really held adulthood yet and we'll see why nowadays is different than in the past but yes in nowadays at least he hasn't hit what we call adulthood of course he Bar Mitzvah and he had the big tie on and he was able to read in the Tor everybody says now you're a man and we all know that he still is a big big child with a hat on his head and he's still still not it's still not not there n here that's the best description that I can give for a good teenage child because he tends to be not on this side of the rainbow and not on the last side of the rainbow if you remember when we were children there's a certain for those of us who still remember that depends how far away you are from that that time period but during the time period that we were children you felt a real kind of feeling of protection you always felt your parents are ABA is big and strong your mommy's there to hold you to protect you if anything goes wrong when you're younger you feel much more but you feel much more secure you're in a place of security as we all know more or less things are kind of Kal kind of light even if something happens by tomorrow within the next day you already forgot about the problems things are more or less predictable you have your day kind of predictable there's nothing too over over difference and you're able to do this of course and and most importantly you have no no obligations there no real obligations things are pretty safe protected and you're good to go that's the point when we are young children when we're young children that's what it has but suddenly when you move on to stage two if you will and you move on to the next stage that goes a little bit upward what we'll call the teenager years getting a little bit higher suddenly you're going into a world that's a little bit unknown a little bit that's uh you know a little bit that's what we call Afra fearful what we call something that's actually threatening a little because you have to be able to be around people and around making sure that you're doing the right thing and doing the safe thing you are taken to task you're being judged you're being looked at and of course sometimes and this is not necessarily if it's true or not but he feels very unprotected because my parents they're not as smart as I thought they were they just don't have the capabilities that I just thought I could rely on these guys but you know what maybe I'm smarter than them and they don't necessarily feel that they're the ones being protected by their own their own their own like and therefore it becomes into this kind of this POA which I mentioned to you before where you're in a state of you're not really sure about where I'm holding and this is what we call the par the difference between the and or if I say and there's the difference the Gap in between the power of the mind and the power of the nefes because in one kind of respect your his his emotional impact as a certain amount of self-confidence self-esteem this is what I'm going to do I'm pretty positive this is what I this want to go want to go and at the same time the is Clumsy it's not as they say yet it's not fully mature it's not ripened it's not holding where it's supposed to be he's still being mad with the situation he's still grappling with the sit situation that's in front of him and he's apt and almost 100% for sure going to be making mistakes in other words he has a self-confidence and esteem and positivity that he can be doing events which he's really not yet holding at being able to do and this part this difference this Gap that happens between there leads to what we are known as the in Hebrew that we call the T the age of doing things but doing it in a very clumsy type of way I know that that I'm not a baby you don't have to tell me what to do ABA right I know what I'm doing and that's it and then why do you always have to be involved in everything I do I've done it I'm fine okay that's usually the type of uh statements that we might be familiar with but at the same time we know even though they're telling us that you are so primitive you are such from the previous door if you would just know how things are that suddenly you start realizing that maybe it's time to let go they're walking on this slight tight rope on a tight rope which is like we said here a very fine line to be able to go from one side to the next and they end up having as a result of that many kind of what we call stot contradictions within themselves or in their personalities I'm going to say like a Mr jeal Dr Dr jeal Mr Hyde right it's a half and half type of thing he's always in some ways as this type of face and that type some face he's actually loving and caring or she can be especially is much more apt to being loving or caring until you say the wrong word or you said something you didn't even realize you said something wrong and suddenly you're being screamed at you have no realize what's happening suddenly she's upset at you I don't want to use strong words like hatred but you know very strong strong uh aggressive words against us for whatever reason it is that's a or in one instance they don't necessarily want to be walking with ABA right next to you in the Kish what am I a baby I don't have to be right next to you but in certain instances tug tug tug I need you I have to especially when it comes to the pocket when it comes to using your wallet I need to have you for this or I need to have you for that reason these types of things I'm totally independent I don't need to have anything else but at the same time he mimics everybody around him all his friends acting in a very uh similar similar way it really doesn't matter to me what anyone thinks I'm just going to do whatever I want but then he finds out next week that someone said X about him or Y about him or so and so said this or you said this or you let out the bag about something he did in the house and he never is going to talk to you in the his life again you understand these are contradictions that happens within the the child itself that in some ways could be extremely as we say egocentric focused on myself but at the same time as being entric you know being very disappointed in the world and the things around him or sometimes just having to have his own status of being trying to be on his own so therefore you find that these types of attitudes these types of opinions which are hard to get your fingers on and again right now we're only in the stage of getting definitions here because when we get a definition of what we're dealing with so then we know how to work with them say girls especially you'll find at this age will have a certain amount of moodiness girls are known for having moodiness that's just part of their Essence I think even when they get married and become wives they're still doing that thing I'm not going to say this in next year but that's what happens they have a certain moodiness they're ups and downs and you kind of have to deal with the it's through the hormones or for whatever situation it is that's that's going on for what it is and they'll be a little bit more testy with you they'll try to as they say push boundaries here in there girls especially this we'll discuss soon maybe girls especially obviously we know the number one thing on the board for testing uh parents is obviously having to do with dress or pushing boundaries about how high the skirt is how low the neckline is etc etc because we know that's the place of the Yar for the man of course and of course everything has its place and time for everything and boys especially at this age period will have a different type of gear of a problem especially especially communication girls are obviously much better communication boys are much have a much more difficult time with any type of communication yes how is your day fine okay is anything happened today no it's fine school okay fine have a nice day we'll talk to you later right like said the communication gaps are a little bit less there so that's something that needs to be worked on I do want to spend a little bit time in communication today okay that's uh that's that also obviously risk taking is much more of a male property as we'll speak out soon why that might tend to happen they tend to take a little bit more risks putting themselves in trouble or and especially quick to get angry of course that can go in both properties that's quick to get angry to have a short as they say to not be able to have a thing and if I get to extreme cases which Al shouldn't be relevant is we find statistically that yes yes teenagers have a much higher t a much higher percentage rate of suicide yeah and drugs also but drugs not necessarily percentage wise and that's for this reason why is the suicide rate much higher when it comes to teenagers sort of speaking the answer is very simply for the reason we just spoke out because they're walking a tight RPP they're on two edges of a of a double double-sided sword they're in two two places at the same time and therefore it can cause a little bit of an issue it's interesting shim Rafal H who likes to give definitions of words many times in he describes the word what does it mean when it says the word n he says it as to do this is his definition to move to sway back and forth to sway back and forth to move to Shuckle back and forth that's and to and to throw something off of you to take kind of the the O off of you you move around you try trying to get it off of you a kind of lack of equilibrium a lack of isun if you will and that is the of what a is this age what we call the Gil of n the Gil that's getting a little bit older is kind of swaying back and forth It's not there's a good idea to think half child and half adult that's not the definition that's being placed over here based on this farm and everybody speak about this idea it's all child or all adults it's sometimes all of this sometimes all of this sometimes acting completely childish coming out out of whack something you surprise and sometimes acting like an adult it's a little bit more responsibility acting like you're supposed to be a little bit a little bit of of everything okay that's uh that's how it is you want to act with them like a child they have nothing to do with you I don't want to to deal with me you don't know how to treat me yet I'm acting you treat me like a child I'm much bigger than you treat me I'm not a child anymore you treat them like an adults and yes you get you get mess ups you get things that you wish wouldn't have happened you have things that you wish he didn't put it into their hands but that's how it is that's what happens when you get into this uh this type of situation okay that is the status that we're speaking out so if we're speaking it out the gap between the and the reg the the ne a lack of capabilities here we are I'll tell you something that's written in a book called The Brain at the teenager years it's written by Professor havin Corona that they did MRI tests on the brain of a teenager that sounds like fun no that's like a fun type of test to be able to do they did MRI tests on the brain of uh the during the the teenager years and they said that when they check the impulses that are going through the brain you find a lot of activity a lot of the brain cells or whatever the impulses are whatever that means it gets broken down and gets reconstructed very very quickly at a much more rapid pace that we are familiar with as opposed to adults it happens a lot of breaking down and reconstructing redeveloping itself on a constant basis in different spots of the brain That's A and B some places get developed quicker than other places some places end up going slower and getting developed in a much slower pace and some in a much more quicker space Lal surprise surprise the power of self-restraint reconstructs itself very slowly doesn't actually make it as quick as you would have expected doesn't happen and therefore you find a certain amount of impulsiveness or dangerous decisions or decisions that come from the wrong place initiative daa does get redeveloped much quicker taking initiative and doing things and these types of things therefore you find like I said different type of midot different type of aspects that you could find many times overlapping during this time period a lot of drama or very insulted very quickly or or very frustrated at certain comments that are coming about these are different parts of the brain as we know the frontal lobe or whether it's the cerebral cultra cultra cortex all these different types of places that they checked and that was based on that showing a certain amount of of words coming from okay so if we would put this in a nutshell I think that if you would look around that many people would write the words something as teenagers are trying to find who they are s that sounds good that's oversimplified though just to say the teenager just trying to find who he is is true but it's a little bit oversimplified the more active the more uh accurate assessment to be able to describe what the teenager kind of is doing especially based on the brain ways which I just mentioning he's actively trying to invent himself they or he or she is actively trying to invent themselves in other words they're trying to get themselves to a situation where they're creating who they are more than just finding who they are I came from a certain background I was told by my parents that this is the way I should grow up whether it's religiously whether it's socially or whether it's in certain places and certain ways of acting I was told by society that this is the what I should be doing or this is what's accepted to be done and finally he comes to terms with the idea that Maybe not maybe I have a different type of Interest maybe I want to go a different way and therefore is loaded and and and weighed down with a tremendous amount of opinions of course they all know exactly what to do with the Arabs in Aza I mean we also do right but a good teenager always knows exactly what the opinion opinions are what to do and they know if BB would give him a SLE he would take care of the problem that we're having in the south I mean we all have the same opinion in this case but B that's what it is all political types of things I'm referring to over here especially in AR Israel where people care when it comes to matters of religion so when I become a certain type of age when I become this age so they're already clear about what the answers are supposed to be like what I'm supposed to do if I get a little bit more detailed to being a to being a little bit more extra I don't like to say Ultra Orthodox I just call it Orthodox in my opinion but say I guess it depends on who you ask but to decide how to be or not this is the time when I can start making those decisions how I can my favorite that I enjoy when you hear this and you hear this sometimes from certain teenagers is of course the question is is there a god is there a k and you know this age-old question which the biggest of the biggest philosophers going from Aristotle Aristotle in way of thinking for thousands of thousands of years about the existence of God and how to make this decisions you have the biggest Minds as Einstein and others who have made these types of decisions whether there is a God or not of course I did not mention the ranim because of course we all know their answers the Von made a very nice decision I think he tends to be a very impressive intelligent person the Von we had Incredible Minds that have philosophized that have went through this you know cos cosmological very deep intrinsic question of the presence of God and how can it be because we know a world that runs the way it runs not be Godless but at the same time people can't understand a being of a God that never started that has no beginning and no end and never created himself it just something that just boggles the mind and we have this 16-year-old that says I'm an atheist he's made the decision wow I always find it incredible I don't even feel like arguing with a person it's like such a humorous type of thing that Suddenly at this ripe old age of 16 he's come to the very deep and philosophical decision after studying all the semantics to the right and to the left he's come to this as decision there is no God beautiful you know like that's what I'm saying it only can come from a stubborn obnoxious like come a head that comes from such a place that yes I know everything and that's how my position is of course we move on to other things that of course they know how to make money 10 times better than you I'm never going to make money like my parents they didn't know you know they messed up but I'm going to be one of the richest people in the world me and Elon Musk we're going to be hand in hand together because I know exactly how I'm going to be one of the one of the Richies etc etc of course positions in clothing position in music position in schools about what type of schools is correct everything has an opinion like I said a little bit of a premature opinion if you went with MRI scams you'd see that yes it comes yes sometimes no but it's a time of making decisions giving opinions making decisions even though I'm clumsy even though I'm fbl even though I'm not necessarily making the decision that's 100% correct but it's okay because that's what comes with this age period that's what's coming there's a drive to be able to find and invent the person I am at the same time is that's connected to by so if we have an expression which I one time saw I am not the son of so and so I'm not the brother of so and so I'm not there I am who I am and if I am who I am then really who am I and that's really the time to decide who am I and it's really a fundamental decision it's really a fundamental time because the midis brings down that a person is made up of seven facets it goes through seven different types of facets of life you know till three until 12 until it goes through different seven different facets of life we're made as we say of a seven story building and as we know with every seven story building you can never skip a story if you skip a story then you have the Leaning Tower of Pisa you're not going to be able to survive in such a scenario every story is important but most importantly are the bottom the bottom floors are the most fundamental if you skip the penous the most expensive but if you skip it out drops it drops off the building still stands but in the in the beginning stages it is so it is so vivid it is so important it is so important that it's cooked up that it's prepared that it's put in its place that it's able to be done correctly and that's why this age factor is just so important because everything Lies over there everything Lies over there there's a certain bubbling that happens and if we treat it correctly we've created need a person that will be able to be self- sustained when they get older after this age period when they become independent and get married and that's what we're looking to do when they leave the house and we're waiting for them to leave the house but when they leave the house we want them to be prepared to be that stage that they can stand independent and this is such a fundamental stage you cannot skip the stage you have to deal with it you have to deal with it to whatever extent that you can you have to know that it's a story in the house which is very very fundamental okay it's funny there's a mid I'm was going to mention to you two or three Quicks so you say I didn't quote any in the process there's a that says that there are three names to a person people have three names everybody has three names one is what your parents called you word for word what your parents call you that's your name the second one is what people call you and it says the third one is what he is named for for himself what he has taken in for himself says the M the best of all of them the name that he has assessed for himself this is the age where he's starting to develop his own name I don't want mommy and daddy's name anymore especially they actually literally change the name sometimes they cut some nicknames and try to change it in some type of way that's different but even without that they go ahead and they're trying to assess their own thing and you know what benu like we're going to see it's not unhealthy it's sometimes a very good thing it's a very good thing not just sometimes it's very much a good thing because if you know amongst the people who are involved in CU especially they know that the people who are most that were most to do K on are those people that are the toughies if you go to arim seminar they say this over and over and over again the ones that are most successful are the ones that make the most noise and they make a lot of noise they scream they interrupt the rabbi in the middle of talking saying tell they could speak very Shar and they say those are the people that are fish bait they are just absolutely bait they know that these guys are Hook Line and Sinker because they know these are the people that are actually take initiative they're actually interested they actually want to be able to figure out that means they have a passion and the passion is somewhere it's located somewhere and that passion is actually placed in the right place and it's good to be able to have such a passion because that is how a person eventually actually gets hooked up he has interest to be able to go ahead and do it as opposed to the one who sits in the seminar the one who sits in the seminar in the background and kind of quietly just passively listens to the nice and the excellent you should know top of the line I always try to sneak myself in there kind of take off my keep and try to sneak in there if I'm able to and put on a baseball capab something they don't let you in they say well you get out yeah it's not worth it to be religious sometimes but uh but when you when you go and they uh they go quietly and listen those people just kind of stay quiet and sleep through the cracks and they don't continue they don't continue they just fall away and they don't continue because the passion is not there and you should know it's the same thing with K the teenagers this type of lifestyle that we have the ones who are if I could say a little bit more affirmative a little bit more strong can be a little bit more passionate of course the ones that are much more annoying but you know what they're the ones who turn around much quicker I won't say the word quicker but you know that they are the ones who can actually be the ones that will make the turnaround eventually they're the ones that eventually do come back they're the ones that come back if you use the right rules then it comes back then they're able to come back as opposed to the ones that are quiet and reserved in their little eggshells that never speak up so a lot of times twofold first of all if they really are having problems then it ends up staying that way they never end up fixing them that's first of all it never ends up getting fixed and second of all they remain kind of problematic children or adults when they grow up meaning even if you would call them not religious but even as marriage marriage partner as a spouse they're not going to be very successful spouses because they're people that are very muam very broken inside never cleared the air never had their issue never were able to clear the issues and therefore it's a little bit of a problem so yes sort of speak it's a br in Disguise to yes have a little bit of challenges here and there from them if you know how to handle it well and over here I want to mention something very important which this is based on already quoting this from many of these things but you should know that it's very true that no not every child has to have what we call this majar this breakdown of teenage of life it's contrary to popular belief and I have heard you know some people say everybody goes through it some way not necessarily and it's not true at all especially if you know how to fan the Flames if you know how to wind it and prepare before get into the stormy weather then a lot of times you will prevent 90 even 100% of the whole event if a person knows how to deal with it like that's the idea of the sh obviously but if a person's able to know how to prevent it then you can invent it now of course that always because people are people and when you grow up everybody has nature and nurture and that's fine because you know that everyone has their type of their thing their thing as they say it's fine not everybody can but it's not a fact that every single child has has to go through it that's not true but you should be able to see S A when a person's actively disagreeing that one's easy but even quiet there also quiet which we also be speaking about to be able to see when we're getting into a type of issue that has to be dealt with and that I'm referring to the quiet uh problem the person who's quietly causing issues the person who's there it's very important to read the IM just don't let them be quiet and then one day boom Ki what happened P it happened all one day that's I've seen it over and over I'm telling you I've seen it so many times unfortunately I just saw this coming and you give the warning to the parents but usually they're not interested in going and doing some type of measures in the process cuz in the meantime he's doing fine so why do I have to do it and then one day suddenly you find that he's walking around without a keepa or he's walking around with a chup as high as the waves of Hawaii can reach usually that's a nice good sign of what it could be or suddenly her dress is just just a little bit you know not making it to the knees for some reason she just I guess got a little bit taller or something like that she's not able to do it etc etc the sleeves get a little bit shorter suddenly It All Happened it's never ever ever Suddenly It's never suddenly one day a good from y doesn't suddenly decide to just take it off the it was inside it was in in a in a pressure cooker that was going inside that was not dealt with and I'm not blaming the parents ever that's not the idea Ever every situation is its own thing but in the end of the day it wasn't dealt with for however it needed to be dealt with it could be other things caus the nezic again I think it's tipti when people just go and blame parents immediately but but at the same time you should know that that comes from a certain place that yes these Falls tend to have a certain breaking point but it's good and sometimes it's good and we just have to know how to weather them a good example of this is a classic one of my favorites is we all know and if you ever go to the zoo you should know they have an area in the back of the gaki where they have an incub inators over there where they have eggs where they have eggs where the birds have laid laid eggs or different you know different animals have have eggs over there and if you gotten there at the right time I only seen this once not that it's so common you have to have your own Burns to be able to do this but you'll see how a little chick is able to get out of an egg he's able to get out of an egg he slowly but surely chips and chips and chips at that egg slowly but surely it takes a long time and it takes a lot of effort this guy is a little measly nothing he has no feathers the poor thing his beak is like the size of your fingernail he's a me skin and you just watch and go W I feel so bad for him you just wish it's so easy for you all you have to do is take your finger and go boom and you make a nice cute hole and'll be able and get out there and you just have you know have such state in facts there's no question anytime you go and help him break the egg the chick 100% will not survive not survive not because he's going to leave he might live for a few days not because you gave him too much air at the same time because he has to flex his muscles the way a chick knows how to be able to come a chicken or whatever fancy bird you want to tell me right and he turns that to be an eagle is to be able to know how to break through the egg himself he has to exercise in place yes he has to make that fall sometimes he has to get there but by doing that fall and doing that difficult time and it looks so painful and you just have on the poor guy and you wish he wouldn't have to go through this but when you do that and you try to cut corners for him he will not survive he can't survive P it won't happen any of these animals that are raised in the zoo they can't be sent to the wild because they were spoiled brats they got their food sent to them they never had to fight for food so we all know that they're not going to be able to to manage themselves you understand that's the idea so yes is sometimes it's good that we go and we work and let them work on their mistakes themselves let them tumble and we have to be there how do we have to be there and this is a beautiful expression I one time saw and it very much hits the bullseye in our subject that we're doing there's two different types of parenting there is a parenting that we can call helicopter parenting which the majority of par parenting does that means that we stand above the ground and we go ahead and look and we look left and we look right and we see everything and they know exactly that we're hovering on top of them just like all those good for nothing terrorists flying all over Aza that they know exactly when they say a plane flying they know it's coming soon for them and that's the same thing they always know that we're there hovering above them our shadow is you know the shadow of the plane like the shadow of the helicopters right on top of them they always know that we're there that's one type of parenting the ideal parenting and especially at this age is what we would call submarine parenting submarine parenting means that yes I could see things on the telescope I see everything that's happening but he doesn't really see me everything's kind of behind the scenes and I can see him left right the submarine is just an absolutely incredible invention yes Jules ver thought of it even before they came up with it such an incredible type of idea to be able to float in the water see all the ships and do whatever you want to any ship without their knowing you existed it was a horrible thing in the World War II the Germans used it very ruthlessly against many ships that came to sail to their Direction but use a submarine when you're coming to parent your child is fantastic cuz they don't see you but you're there protecting them from here to there making sure they don't take the wrong turn here and there just make sure you don't shoot any Torpedoes watch out with the Torpedoes right that much you want to watch out for but beon when you do that so yes they can stumble yes they can fall yes it will be painful but in the end of the day someone's going to be there to help them brush themselves up get up and be able to do it again and be able to get themselves up one of my favorite mamers that I heard once and I think it's a beautiful concept that everybody should always remember when a cup or when a plate falls off of the table the reason why it broke is not because it fill it broke because it hit the ground only when it hit the ground that's when it breaks in other words if we can let them fall let them try your best to prevent them from hitting the ground from hitting rock bottom from hitting the states of y That's What ab and IMA are there for you're there to be able to prevent it from getting to such a state so you know you've been successful nobody survives in life without difficulties I will quote the famous for hunner the a beautiful letter everybody it's p reading that everybody should know that letter I'm not going to say by heart but you should know the words of the letter but one of the things that he says there very lently is the famous line that he says when say that a sadic is a sadic Who falls seven times and gets up he says it's not that even though even though they fill seven times they got up and that's what made them a sadic even though it happened it still worked it's because they fell seven times thead only became thead because he fell seven times he needed to be n he needed to fall in order to get to the place and he makes example of the man of lari said who knows how much he had to do in order to get to the stage of being successful to be able to Vanquish that to be able to get to such a stage and I always say that that's the beauty of over compared toli the difference between us and the the the people that are heroes are people that Harvard they learned to be able to become kki you know what that takes to be able to become how many years and hours and days to be able to get there and I'm not talking about only in brain power and midot and excellence and everything all around and here they are who are the people that they cherish a fantastic singer you know the guy was born with a nice voice very nice have a nice day Jordan didn't touch a ball till he was 16 years old and he was in the NBA within four years tell me the truth you know very nice I give him you know and he's considered the King the people they bow down to and and they'll do everything for such a person there's no there's no a no no aod almost comes naturally you to practice how to shoot a ball in the hoop a few times but there's nothing to Value when you're dealing with such things as opposed to our heroes are ones who dka came through breaking points pain pain pain came in a place and that's what made the person the person to become where he is and yes that's what we are looking for in our children it's not so bad that they're going through what they're going through of course we never want our children we never ding for it we're never looking for it but when it happens play the submarine play the background and try to be able to be there to protect him at the right time to be able to do what's necessary to to go okay that is the big here that we're trying to do when a person is able to get to such a stage so then you have an idea that the person becomes himself he knows how to take care of himself the r writes in the end of the r RA writs in the end of when he talks about the fact the famous ra where he talks about that anybody could become a if he really pushes himself to he can go ahead and try to get there he can become a but the Rah says a very important L of when his R came to do it when he wanted to get there that's when he will get there to be able to get there has to come a little bit from Z from himself from the eye from myself I have to plant it from the self that comes within myself and from my own place to be able to do it it can't be that Society pushed me there that social pressures put me there of course that's an incentive and that's yes how we work sort of speak but at the same time it has to be from his own push from his own self that got him to get to that stage that's how he's going to be able to do it there's another Rashi which I want to quote in many places if you look in Rashi in many places it's always something that bothered me until I saw the Mah and also the answer the question all the time whenever it says in the it says by Huger let's say or by AR when it was talking about taking his sons many times it says you should take the person take that person or take this so and so take so person rash always repeats himself he says many times unlike himself actually and he always says the same two words take him with Words Be cogent be convincing pull him and get him into doing this event make him make him do it go ahead and go to do it it and the question is why why is it necessary to use such words just say take them by their hand and pull that's what you do just take them like you do like the you know that's how you know when you go ahead and you make a Kon on something you go ahead and you pull it when uh when a is taken you know the reason why a walks with a Kala down after the and they walk back they usually are holding hands people don't realize why they do it they just think it's for being romantic could be that also but the real reason is is when you go into the room so you're making kenon on the ISA you're making a Kenyon on her in the room so you're supposed to pull her into the room that's a great way to start a marriage H supposed to pull her in so we don't do that because it won't work so well but that's the idea that you kind of are holding the hand in order to kind of take her into the room to kind of make a Kenyon on the ISA to to pull her in there now you guys tell me I say that next next week I'm not sure if I should say that but that's the idea so what's the problem so over here in rash I said probably probably 10 times I'm not I can't tell you 100% how many times it is but it's at least 10 times in that says this idea taking that so says the same thing you can never take a person by physical because the person is not his body he's not his the body that you see the physical existence of course you can muzzle him of course you could throw them in jail but you don't really have the person you never have the person you're telling me the people Capt captured over there are had in AA they're not in Aza they're not there they don't have them to have the person you need to have is D you have to have intelligence his Ron his interests his his wanting his yearning that's the way to do it talk him into it convince him it's a good thing to do I think that you should become the leader of you had to convince yeshu yes go do it take hugar convince hugar wow you're going to be you're going to be able to do that always take him in a way that you have to convince him that is the only way that's the only way to connect and be able to raise our children to be able to be to be successful to be able to to get to such a thing and that is building themselves from within themselves it's coming from within themselves not coming from something from without but something from within letting them have their own independence Gathering it in a place that they can have their own autonomy to a certain extent if I could say to be able to get there to a place that they want to do it they want to do it themselves that's the ideal of this that we're trying to raise that's the ideal place that we're coming from I'm going to mention here and I'm coming to the end here I see I'm on a I only have five more minutes six more minutes so I do want to mention a quick because it just helps with what we're mentioning here but k a quick background of what happened that only in the past 70 or 80 years dis we suddenly discovered there's this concept called the teenager where did this invention come that suddenly all this fearful Delight that occurred and you should know that the go themselves in many of their books discuss these Concepts like where did this idea of adolescence or the danger of the teenagers come about that that had to come about and do that o were discussing the idea of um the child having to watch out for the parents they were raising children kind of speak as child having to watch out for the parents now the Next Generation they're raising parents having to watch out for the children now that's what happened as a result of all their extra preventatives so some of the theories are basically to a certain extent that yes it kind of did exist in the past it was around in the past but even though it was around in the past it was with restrained it was restrained from people it wasn't it was withheld they didn't let it come out to the Forefront it was something that was intrinsic within them but it wasn't able to be able to be planted to be brought out to its thing and after we were so nice and we let them free themselves out we liberated all their deep interests and drives to be able to do what they needed to do and suddenly now they're able to act like the terrible teens that we're so familiar with much the same exact thing they say about the gays and all the lesbians all these same same type of that they always like to say that everything was really restrained and because of us we were able to take care of all this uh all these problems by just giving us more problems anyways that's uh one of the uh things another theory is that it could be that since it was never discussed it never existed which has a certain truth to it when it wasn't discussed it wasn't just like with your four-year-old when they say something to say no so you go ahead and say yes and you go ahead and tell them but now when they're 14 and they say no you go oh terrible teens are starting oh no okay we have to start getting the psycholog M we have to start getting these things therapist this is that okay whatever you say honey I understand you you said no it's no but let's just figure it out in other words they said that by talking about it so much it kind of brought it out the number one answer on the board is and this is very important for I think for us to be able to read that and this is the definitely the truth because they did certain studies and it's very clear that places that are more primitive meaning the less modernized primitive not in a negative verb but as opposed to less modernized places have less of this teenage problem the more modernized the place is the more modernized a place is the more advanced civilization is the more problematic I am putting technology on the side B I plan on having one proper sheer on just technology I don't want to discuss technology that's where we're going to which obviously is connected to this that we're discussing also but let's leave technology on the side because it wasn't so bad 60 or 70 years ago either but they noticed that the place that the more technology the more modern the whole civilization was was more problematic and the reason is because in the olden days the way things were and we all not familiar because yes we still come from that generation but we all know what happened in I like to call it the Little House on the Prairie type of uh scenari everybody used to go out to work a kid became 12 13 ripe old age it's time for you to get out okay you put on your put on your put on your uh suspenders right your overalls and go ahead and get out there and it's time to do there's no more pampering we took care of you enough years it's time for you to start taking care of the house it was an absolute necessity for them to go out of the house and take care a girl in the house a girl in the house of course you had to go out ahead and help mommy to be able to take care you have this ever popular question did it ever bother you how did women take care of the whole entire house it was crazy there was no washing machine that wash Thing by Thing by hand every piece of clothing by hand there was no dishwashers there was no there was no refrigerators that to go get ice from certain places to be able to keep the ice going and carry the water and everything to do there was a lot of work and we have our daughters to be able to help us to be able to take care of it and that's how it was a certain thing meaning responsibility already occurred from that age in other words they went into the real world already at that age so they already facing reality there's a concept which is very nice which is an important concept to know is in a situation of a Brea there's no choice everything goes adrenaline kicks in you can have incredible powers that don't didn't exist we saw it two months ago incredible gura that we saw in the south of what people were able to do risk their lives to be able to do because we're in your situation of that there's no choice it's a situation of do or die of everything about it you have powers that go over and Beyond of course classically in the Holocaust you read stories there that you don't believe are written by man that another person physical person could have survived or done such a thing but in a stage of a in a stage of situation that there's no choice that's what happens a good example of this by the way and this we're coming to finish basically is a child who's in school even if he success if he's successful and you want to pull him out it's one of the worst things you could do it's extremely dangerous to do such a thing because once the child knows that he's already switching out to somewhere else then over here he's not obligated the main reason why a child is good in school is cuz a that's just the situation that's where I am and I have to make the most of it not in a negative way school should not necessarily be negative shouldn't be and we try our best but at least in the situation once the child knows like who's the worst kids always in in class the 12th graders right once they graduate they already know what college they're going to they already know next year they've already been accepted to the seminar they' already been accepted to the worst kids you can't they're already it's already I don't have to be here anymore so what I'm saying is that what happened is in this situation when they got to a situation of this is where we are this is where we're located a child at that age already was a responsible adult and it had to be that way but by us it's not like that yes we pamper them to a certain extent how much do we pamper them even if they have chores in the house if the kid sleeps in is he going to go hungry he's really not going to make the food you're not going to make him food and if he if he if you don't give him food he'll call he'll call The Rev on you right he'll call the how you say R in English the uh the Social Services on you right he'll take care they'll take care of that you're not allowed to do the kids are in charge especially at that age they know that they're taking care of more or less yes they have certain responsibilities here and there but it's abstract responsibilities to take a test fail make this test got to be it's it's abstract responsibil is that it's not like the responsibilities which we have of the in the down south right now they could be guys who are say in the park here playing football a few weeks ago you know and they just you know doing nothing and kind of sleeping and now they're going down there and risking their lives and Tam they should all be protected and safe but believe me that that's what they're doing they're kind they're there on all fours you understand they're there everywhere and doing what they can because they're living the real life and that's a big preventative to what happened that was the change over and yes as a result of that yes we kind of from this ended up getting a people's amount of people now that are left with a lack of incentive of a lack of thing so what is their incentive what is the thing that makes them responsible or what makes them interested what we would call kind of a sense of identity trying to find out who you are or what's important to me is to be able to give a good impression impression on people and that's why you find unusually more than us and more than children what they care about so much are friends friends are an AAR at this age Mish friends and it's funny because the friends are friends of the same friends you think that you know someone who's on the top of the of the the circle chain of the of the chain but everybody so cares about what everybody thinks of me and all that but it comes from this place of the meaning of identity of power because that is where I am if I was busy working my think was my job what I have to do or taking care of the family that's my job that's my that's my so then that would be there but once that's not there so it comes in a place of making an impression connecting with my friends knowing how to handle it in the appropriate way and that's why we end up finding that yes that's where that's why it has and that's why we're saying we this we're finish in the importance here and the focus is an importance of giving a sense of independence of autonomy of being on his own of course I'm not you know giving his own space being able to do that and that's called submarine parenting being able to be able to let him feel he's on his own let him feel that he's kind of getting there but ab and IMA are always there he wants that sense of trust he wants he has a need for for protection from ABA he wants that protection but at the same time he doesn't want you involved don't stick your nose in my Affairs why you getting busy so you have to figure out in an ingenious way how to be able to stick your nose in his Affairs without him knowing which again we will speak about that in in the focus so if we focus and I summarize what we spoke about today in a quick Focus we'll mention the five main points is a the idea of is being independent having his own independence is which comes a little bit with stubbornness or sometimes beut being critical and of of course needing a little bit of his individuality money to be able to make his own go out and buy things don't buy things for me I want to do it on my own I will make my own decisions what type of clothing I'm going to buy don't buy my shoes it's my decision that I'm going to be that's a b we have the interest to be different the need to be different which means a little bit of being on your own alone not being then a different type of dress like we said different types of hairstyles pushing the boundaries a little bit especially music sometimes s it'll come out that way if he's a good kid maybe you know his big if his big Rebellion isv should be wearing T to wear you know should be something like that but uh these types of things that comes from that and number three on the list is of course like we mentioned a need for the need for attention from friends friends are very focused very important he needs to be loved cared he needs to be part of a group he needs to always be there and therefore you can never in the Naina obviously you can never put down a friend you cannot bottle a friend you cannot make fun of a friend yes we have to figure out how to get rid of a bad friend of course we know there's always the rotten apple that that ruins the whole entire core but that has to be done with intelligence also I hope we'll be able to speak about that to be able to do that but at the same time you have to know that the friends can never just be thrown out you have to give it Credence like every other ofar in the world okay it because considered something that's incredibly important like we just mentioned why number four is the need for for having regish of connecting for being able to Chase my that I was never able to chase hopefully Kos not only saying that but being able to do go to go where no man has ever gone before to be able to go and do things that are a little bit out of the box things that you not necessarily are considered that you would like to do within our our Norms a little bit more a little bit more freedom that's something that we're always they're always looking for and lastly which I just ended off the the end of the share with is the need for is the need for security to know that even though my parents are not meddling in my Affairs they're not bothering me sort of speak but at least I know that they're people I can trust they keep to their word they're consistent they're there for me when I need them when I need a lending ear to be there I know that ABA and Imo will be there to be for me this is a summary overall and a definition of what we call the teenager years in the next two or three we'll be able to speak about a little more details of plans of what to do specifically in each one of the different scenarios different ideas of how the house should be looked and like I said we plan on having one B Shear on technology and I don't know if we have time we'll do one Shear maybe on ADHD also I'm not sure if we'll get there s okay