Parenting Fundamentals: Focus On The Goal (Intro to 4-Part Series)

a glacier Iceberg we know what an iceberg is something that can s a whole Titanic of a ship it's made out of fresh water that became all connected together and made one big pillar that sticks out of the water in a tremendous glorious sight what's incredible about the iceberg is even when you look at and it looks so tall on top of the water and it's something that's floating on top of the water cuz it's fresh water on top of salt water for some reason it doesn't move from one place to the next it doesn't it stays afloat but it doesn't doesn't move from one place to the next and the reason is because the part that you're seeing is only 10% of the whole Iceberg 90% of an iceberg is underneath the water it's it's an incredible edifice that can go and Tower over 700 ft which can be the size of Empire State Building an incredible an incredible thing that is able to be and it's anchored down into the water which means that even if you see an iceberg and it looks nice and big and it gets very marim as they say gives them a nice impression but the majority of what you're seeing is as the expression goes only the tip of the iceberg it's only the tip of the iceberg it's only external it's not something that you really see if you would melt down a full Iceberg sometimes You' be able to fill up over 460 olympic size pools from it it's massive it's like I said it's over it's hundreds and hundreds of feet over 300 meters it's the size of a skyscraper but when you look at it it's not as impressive as if you would see the whole entire thing from the bottom to the top because the majority of it is hiding underneath underneath the water you guys have no idea why I'm introducing the subject with this idea but cu the whole subject of our today is today is an introduction to speak about what the tip of the iceberg is and what I'm trying to say is today the truth is my main focus what I really want to speak about is teenagers the older ages especially difficult teenagers which I'm sure nobody has but you know help your neighbors when it comes up but as as an introduction to that and also that some people want to hear about the younger ages I'm going to give a one Manus which has to do with from the youngest ages to the oldest ages a very important you with many examples and from here I think we're going to get a good understanding how to carry it over into the older ages also but it's important you so which I believe that all of is based on it I don't know was here so much in the and you'll see this idea which you'll see how it overlaps after I give you the examples you get a much better idea and basically there's two two ways of dealing with Children of dealing what we call of being able to do things the first type of way is dealing in a behavioral way the manners the behaviors the way that we take care of them it means also giving prizes disciplining them modeling giving our fantastic uh parental speeches that we're all so good at we're very we're very impressive at always giving our speeches in our in our hearts as they say to be able to teach them what they need to do teaching them manners Behavior like I said punishment whatever is required to be able to do what we call discipline that is what I'm trying to say the tip of the iceberg it's good it's it's also effective and it's effective but you should know you're doing 10% of the job 90% of the iceberg lies underneath the water it's much more hidden it's known as more of the pine the the more hidden and uh discrepant type of Behavioral that we Tred to take care of most people the majority of people just deal with what we call the tip of the iceberg the top and it looks impressive I said when you look at an iceberg it looks like it has a lot but we just go straight to the tips to what needs to be said the the channels that need to be spoken out we speak about many times what what has to be what has to be answered and that's why sometimes it's limiting it happens immediately we get immediate results and we're happy with them we're satisfied with them but you should know that it ends up being a little bit of a temporary a temporary solution it's not where the real way and the best way and the most effective way of doing is going to the bottom 90% which is under the water you don't see it it's a little bit more hidden but it's going to the P of the child it works a little bit as we say say with behavioral patterns focusing on uh focusing on the child and what lies behind the child behind his actions now really really I'm you would think that by doing this you got to be a good psychologist to be able to figure this out but not necessarily you just have to be able to look into a child because there's no one that knows a child better than of course yourself to make the connection get an emotional understanding a more Panem understanding into the child and by that you'll be able to change him in a totally different way it won't be just something that happens Direct on the spot boom and I finished I took care of the solution I worked at I worked at it it's something that's much more let's say indirect roundabout but in the end of the day the results are much more are much more mu much more P that goes into into the child I'll give you a good example straightforward simple example like I said in the future we'll give you more examples which are even more practical but a classic example of something that happened a few let's say a half a year ago or something to in the case that I know that a child was stealing money from his mother purse he was stealing money from his mother's purse and he was going and buying things here and there probably especially uh food and treats and all these types of things but also buying other things but it was found in the school found out that he was a a wealthy child he seemed to have money spilling out of his pockets and you know how these things go when the kid is young enough they can't keep a secret too well so they're figuring it out so here he is the child the parents who immediately were trying to be what we call they were trying to do the so the first thing they do is of course hid their mother's purse a lot better he HD the mother's purse a lot better that was one of the ASAS to be able to do that now it's another thing second thing of course which would be the second a which most people understand May if you go to share to give a nice to go give him a nice speech about honesty about being about being a good Jew how only Arabs steal and that's part of their Mitzvah of being able to steal and we're not like them and trying to give some type of Integrity type of speech and trying to make him realize that you know that's not good what a big a it is it's K one of the 10 Ten Commandments which is really not the Ten Commandments talking about kidnapping but it's one of the one of the a in the Tor it's very serious it's another way a third way and this is practical Aid and you should oh that there's such a thing is called punishing yes and punishing which we'll speak about is also a relevant way of taking care of it you punish him for stealing so try not to do it now practically speaking and again we've spoken about this a littleit so these things as I say I'm being I'm being uh I'm speaking more to the point about things that we've spoken about in the past but punishing real punishing should not be abstract meaning just because he stole so now he stays home for 3 days that doesn't there there no ker there's no thing just because a guy did something not nice so he's in jail what's the connection between jail and being over a felony we try to give punishments which are direct a direct cause and effect to the to the thing that he did to whatever a did whatever he did wrong we're supposed to directly give him a punishment that's action reaction cause and effect that's the best way so that way he feels it if a kid steals so the best way is if he has an allowance so will'll have to take it out of your allowance if not so we'll make him do we'll have him do a few chores in the house which earns him a little bit of money and that money will end up being what he uh what he ends up having to pay back for what for what he took that's a type of punishment which is the more ideal punishment not Stam a scream a yell a hit that doesn't do anything it's not doesn't even cause the effect it's not even the tip of the iceberg P okay even if we're talking about the tip of the iceberg the external type of behavior that we're trying to take care of at least it should be according to the rules it should be with a cause and reaction actual reaction that's what a real punishment supposed to be like I said a speech or anything like that but a person who's a person who's looking to the 90% that's underneath the glaci or water something that can sink the Titanic something that is such power a person looks into the pine of the child he's much more focus on this pus what what lies behind such an action now again if we're not experienced your wife is experienced maybe you have a spouse that's able to do it and if not so we have to ask a third party we have to go to someone who might who might know who might know know how to do it if it means going to a therapist and you have to pay a buck or if you go to the rabbi who's for free maybe doesn't know what he's talking about but at least you try to figure out someone that's able to be an a to to to go to someone to do it and many times it's something that's much more py such as and this a classic example for such a thing would be attention he's looking for attention he knows that he's lacking attention a lack of of self-esteem for doing such a thing or P just as tyus it could be just as simple tyus because you want they're very into sweets or want something very sweet he wants to be able to get it or and this was in this particular case which I'm thinking about that happened about a half a year ago to a year ago I don't remember exactly and this was the guess that I had and that was actually accurate in this case is it was a family that was having serious monetary issues and all they spoke about in the house all day was money that's what it was was about this money and that money and how we going to do this and this I wasn't there but it could have been like you know it's your fault and it's your fault and you why can't you get a job why can't you do that there was a lot of discussion about money in the house and nobody thinks that the seven-year-old hears these things but the seven-year-old hears everything as we all know they hear much better than your wife does and in the end of the day they end up hearing everything and therefore he decided that money is something that is extremely important something very value something very valuable so in the meantime he's stealing money from his mother's person 13 will probably go get a job and then skip out of school because that's something that seems to be something that's very prioritized and that's what it is again everything happens in its own perspective everything has deeper reasons but the difference between the first solution is you took care of the problem you had a hammer in a nail you slammed it in you took care of it but it doesn't mean that it won't come out again as opposed to the second way when you focus on the individual issue you go to the depth of what's going on you try to focus of where it is then you end up being able to solve the child not just solve the problem okay you're able to get to much more an in-depth view of what it is of what it is there's an expression that we know in English that boils down to this idea man is greater than the sum of his Parts we're familiar with this expression man is greater than the sum of his parts we usually focus on the parts of a person the individual thing he did this or he did that or this happened or she did this individual person we focus on that and many unfortunately of our disagreements our spats with our with our with our spouse also could be about this that happened instead of going to the sum of the parts to focus on the mench on the person itself to know where is this coming from maybe there's something that's consistently occurring right maybe it's happening on a consistent basis and maybe there's a reason for it and that requires and it means a little bit more work yes it does take a little bit more of of of work listen to the words of the was written almost 80 over 80 years ago by the and you should know that many of the stuff in there it all overlaps into that we can learn our days also somewhat not so often not maybe not even often enough quote him but it's a very important safer and it's like I said it's old safer it's not something from nowadays but most of the over there he writes AIC okay he says like this the the person who's someone who does Al commands and telling and habits he doesn't have to think very much doesn't have to think very much you do what you have to do and you just take care of what needs to be done you go to a couple Shir or you read a couple books and you already have your pointers you have your bullet points you know exactly what you to do but a real who tries to be to go to the depths of the child by being and he says three things the his intelligence his nature and his personality that's the three words that he means that's how I'm defining it at least what what bothers him what does he love what does he not like what's bothering what gets to his ways and therefore by doing that he doesn't necessarily learn like we said at the individual pieces of things that he does but he looks at the whole picture of the child he tries to look into what he can do and of course they popular words and here it applies but this is not the focus one I'm going to focus on today that is the statement of statements that we know when every to open up with which the smartest of all men told us but means each individual child has his own and therefore just because you're one child with this way doesn't mean with that way if everyone you're the same way so every child that steals gets the same type of punishment which we said cause result you give him that punishment he deserves the same speech whatever speech you're supposed to get that's what he gets every child should get what he gets but when we talk about so now I'm looking at the men I'm looking at the child I'm looking at the whole person and again and I say this very strongly the only person that knows this child best is you and your wife maybe your wife better than you but B you're the ones who are able to know the child at his at at his Peak and I mean that to exclude the teacher or the principal or all the other ones that give him a haka chining for everything that he does because they're not responsible for the 33 child 33 children that are in the class which that's just the way the world is and you're the one who gives a child his name the one where does a child get his name from gave the gift of a name which stays with a child forever from his parents why because the name is the of a child that's the that's the that's the being of a child and therefore decided that the person who knows that best is you the child the parent is the one who knows the intrinsic being of the child he's the one who's able to figure him out and therefore you get this mat of giving him of giving him a name and therefore you're responsible also for the next uh amount of years that he's in your household at least I'm not going to give a number for a however many years that he's in your household to to be able to take care of him the they say the T and the know was a little bit different over there they always had was always the the the unbelievable he was always the S and they always and then they say and the said the name there the would say the name the father just stood quietly nice easy job that the that the father got to go didn't have to speak didn't have to say the name either it's great the took care of it but that's not that's not but anyways that's a that's this idea of being able to understand to look at a child for his whole perspective which means when we're discussing this idea that what we're trying to say is when we discuss we will not be speaking about and one should not speak about if I could say not should I shouldn't say shouldn't but it's as less effective it's only the 10% of the iceberg on top of the water is when you speak about a sh when you speak about a system a this is the sh this is how you do it you buy a computer you open the book you flip through the 5,000 pages that are in there how to be able to work the thing and how to be able to look at it and deal with it that's one way of doing it because a computer is black and white or at least used to be right to a certain extent black and white now it has personality and has a lot of your gun you can talk back to you et I'm talking about a classic computer robot that does and therefore that's the idea of giving a system that does it real way to be able to hear a shear and this is going to be our approach for these five shear more or less is going to be an approach a gisha not necessarily a system not dos and don'ts yes and no this says this this says not it's more of a system how to be able to take something it's not just this is how we do it we go with the system just like we know each child is different any parent who has two children if you have 20 children right then we all know that once you see two children and never the two shall meet they have no similarities no they have a little bit similarities they have the same parents maybe but they don't they so could be M twins they M be twins and we still see the incredible differences between one and the next so do we know that each has its own opinion and therefore this is the difference when you speak about behaviors like I said each child will get the same result it doesn't make a difference and therefore all I have to do is come to a class and be able to hear do this and don't do this and when this when he does this do that but when you speak about getting a full breakup of the child so then we have to work in a little bit of a different system it's a system of kind of like how do you take the scenario and work with it how do you take the scenario of work with it to be able to do it we know we the say a person is compared to a tree now there many different explanations we speak about on we have a couple it but in the world the idea of is by a tree you cannot make it grow you don't make it grow it grows by itself if you try to make it grow you see it growing you see the sapling a little growing oh this is great I'm so excited I can't wait till it grows let's and pick it up oh boy you just killed it right you just destroyed the whole thing you pull it out of the ground it's finished that doesn't work like that you want it to grow it's got to grow invisibly slow on its own your job is basically to put a little water to add make sure it gets enough sunlight to be able to uh make sure it's it's planted in the correct way and by doing that you're able to help it not necessarily with dos and don'ts just by giving it the surroundings that it needs and by that you will be able to take care of it okay and that's the way you can be able to take care of a child and yes we live in a very difficult generation we live in a generation where 80 years ago 70 years ago try go look it up there's no sh on any of the subject no one spoke about no one did anything people just raised their kids and they came out look at all of us right great great kids we they did okay our kids different story I'm saying I'm just saying right it was much it was much more straightforward they lived first of all unfortunately we live in uh many many and say especially whatever I'm not going to make any categories of groupings but single parent families single parent families divorce families is a big nezic massive nezic as we all know which maybe we'll speak about it's relevant obviously for many kids who go off the D that's one of the Prime that's one of the number one I won't say number one but it's one of the big things on the board of what causes but single parent families it's not because they're only raised by single parent but because they heard so much bad mouthing about another parent they have no need to respect an adult period in other words people think that by saying something negative about a spouse so they'll have something negative about the spouse but they don't realize I you're shooting yourself in the leg M backfires back on the person else because they say no all adults have no Credence they have no reason for me to look up to them me and adults are in the same para there's no difference between me and child because he's stupid and I'm stupid we're all stupid so it's great you know it's all it's all the same thing when a person does away with the co of of a figure that we call a parent when you do away you you you've destroyed his whole his whole backlash of everything that has to do with parenting and everything that has to do and therefore he needs not to be disciplined or to listen to a parent at all so that's a big problem a in our generation and even when we have two parents you know because it's a situation for whatever reason it is but we know two both parents most of the time are working or they're out most parents are that in the olden days there was such a thing as a woman being at home and being able to take care of the kids and raising them with her in in her bosom to be able to raise her very closely to her and unfortunately yes that's the situation these days we have two income families and of course I don't have to mention because we'll spend probably a whole share on this but we are in in a in a generation that has more addictions than I think all the Gen not just in the past all the generations together if you put them all together I don't think they've been as addicted to what are we surrounded by we have people that are they spend billions of dollars just to make sure that we are addicted they work on us just to make sure we're addicted that's their whole they're born just to make people addicted obviously I'm referring to internet to smartphones to everything that we are they are surrounded by in every other type of addiction they bring from Steiner and there signman said he wasn't raised in this door CU he doesn't think he would be able to he doesn't know if he'd be religious if he was raised in this door he said a very strong L and I don't know where I would be holding if I was raised in this door was raised in the previous door because of because of that reason it's a it's a danger that we are we are surrounded by and it's not easy but is a expression that I one time s says it's easier to build strong children and today we're in the younger category like I said it's easier to build strong children than to repair broken adults so it's expression that should be remembered it's easier to raise strong children than to repair broken adults cuz once they're broken s like we said we'll have a few more sh but the the focus is more on the previous on the before you get to the broken part to be able to work on them to be able to get to a stage of of being taken care of it like I said it's not a matter of do this don't do this it's also that and we have to know what to do and I'm going to speak out don't worry we'll speak out things like that but that's not the focus the focus is looking at the whole picture at being able to focus as as the as the some of his parts to be able to do what uh to be able to take care of what uh of what he can do when the was asked when begins or when I should start when I should start my when's appropri time so the classic answer that he give was 20 years ago right you ever heard that answer 20 years ago he said you should have started way before you were married way before you had a child it starts with you starts with yourself now what he meant to say is when a CH when a parent is a healthy parent when a when a a child sees a a parent with self-esteem when he sees a a parent who's who's not negative who has a certain positive outlook to life who's interested in cares with a passion for what he's doing especially inish or whatever it is so that spills over to the child it's much more into the giving over of the child of what we do to ourselves you understand if it's real that's what I'm trying to speak out it's not a matter of reading a book and doing what needs to be done it has to be real it has to be passionate has to come to a thing many times when I come to air I'm telling you sometimes I feel like I prepared to she and this and that but I don't feel passionate about it I don't feel so much about it and it's a Fizz it fuzzles out it doesn't do anything I rather not be on a camera rather watch it you have to feel for if you don't feel for it you're not going to be able to give over or display the information you can tell sometimes I'm to like seeing people who speak sometimes you can see people who are there just as a robotic figures kind of saying over information in order to pull off a Shear or a class or what we call a s is Right a um a workshop a workshop or something like that if it's if it's out of brought people who believe in this stuff it's given over much more and those are the people that are successful everybody's been on a plane here before that's how and and we all know that when you go on the plane you've heard that same rerun all the time of the of the stewardesses always telling you that this is where you have to do when in case there's a crash and you have to do this and all all the all the St what's always the famous thing that they always say that when the air oxygen comes down you got to put it on yourself first and then you got to put it on the child what a frustrating thing what are you talking about we grew up they supposed to take care of your kids kids come first why you why you pulling this out that's not true you should go ahead and take care of yourself first but the answer is it's a true answer if you're not disciplined if you don't have self-control if you're not relaxed you can't help your your children you're just not going to help your children it's going to spill over to your children the same nesk is going to happen the same problem's going to happen you have to be able to take care of yourself to be able to be relaxed they have to be able to see a comp parent a person who's in control person who knows what he's doing and only then you'll be able to uh you'll be able to take care of it so that's what I mean a certain passion I'll tell you just coming to is already a good that shows the people who are interested and I'll tell you the truth many of the time and I expected this many of the time the people that I know who are not necessarily best they never come to the sh and I can think of a few in my head they they never come they never come they they just says something about it and that's I'm not going to tell you about their children either but I'm just trying to point out that a lot of times it just shows when a person's interested in doing it that's how it works s and that's the that we're talking about when a person receives treatment there's two ways of a person who is sick some way a person can receive is what we call treatment if a person has the cancer that a person has a sickness so these days they still haven't figured out a proper remedy for it what do they do they don't give you a remedy they don't give the person a remedy they give him treatment they explode his whole body by giving radiation they basically radiate the whole body it has its effects on everything that's not really called a remedy that's called a treatment that's just a atomic bomb that goes into and all the the and all the effects occur inside the body what we're focusing on much more when we're trying to be is going to the remedy to try to be able to figure out how to take care of the problem to focus on where it needs to be to be able to get there and when you make a focus when you have a a when you when you when you're like a sharpshooter pinpointed so you don't have to have all the side effects all the side effects blow to the side you'll be able to be able to repair the problem much more much more effectively that's okay so to give now I'm to give you the uh the the the the purpose of what we're getting to and that we'll give a number of examples so you'll understand where where I'm coming from okay I'll give you a good uh Israeli example because I know you guys will relate to this example but um just through this example I think you'll understand what our purpose is over here that is many people might have taken workers into their house you know it's a kaban or a person who's fixing electricity or you know so do shim in your house meaning fixing up things in your house and many times what what very interesting and this is a claw that I've learned the whole hard way my wife keeps telling me I keep making the same mistake but the CL is when you when you have these workers over you never pay them till they finish the last nail you never pay them till you never finish paying them at least you do if you pay them for some reason they suddenly stop answering their phone you don't know what happen you know I hope everybody's okay someone got sick they just sto and they never you always have your that's left over somewhere in the house to be able to to finish up and that happens and you wonder and when I think about it I I always wonder in query like what did the person say from such a thing and I've bumped into this so many times they did good work decent work until the 80% they did and the last 20% the tip of the iceberg the last bit that they didn't do they left over why they save themselves some time few pennies save themselves let's say 10 a couple thousand shekel but how how much did they lose from such a thing I will never call the person again M you will never call such a person again not only will you not call the person again you won't recommend it again right I'm telling you I even had someone that was doing she for me and in the middle I was recommending him to this person that person suddenly the guy ditched out in the middle he completely thing because I made that funny mistake again I always feel bad for people I'm I'm too much of a ran so I ended up paying the last last payment that's it for some reason he still not answering my phone calls where that come it's it's what the what the problem with such a person is is the person is forgetting the purpose he's only thinking about the mat he's he's only he's forgetting what you're getting to he's only thinking about the way to get there other words many people only think shortsightedly he's trying to save himself a buck so he stops calling but he forgets to look at the long run of what a person can actually gain from such a thing if you would follow up on this little 20% you know how much future customers you would have do you know how many more jobs I would have given him if it wasn't for that it's such a short sight this that we end up forgetting sometimes of what it is of what it is that's said I always tell you know my relatives who come here they say in Israel everything comes a little bit late you know certain cereals certain things you know certain good products that develop in America it comes here just a little bit late so customer service a little bit delayed here hasn't made it yet but it's on its way that's what it's happening but that's the the difference as opposed to I'll show a contrast and even I'm not trying to show any advertisements here at all but as I read an article once about the biggest success of Amazon the reason why he was is he was crazy about customer service he he himself answered the phone sometimes this bz he himself he was crazy about customer service and we all know that you can get your return any time and that was his big that was his knockout punch 90% of his success was because of that I'm not talking to you about his employee service over there was horrible right he was m is a tyrant but his customer service so was very valuable and that's why people people value and that's why people go there and use him as their for that reason and that's how he became a multi-billionaire for that reason what I'm focusing on here and I'm trying to bring out is and this is the bottom line of today's sh if this is the one thing you have to remember always focus on the purpose don't focus on the means focus on the ends what am I coming to get to my focus is what am I trying to get to when I'm being M my child don't focus on how I get there sometimes you need to know how but if you focus on that a lot of times you will make a mistake I'm going to give you a lot of examples focus on the the purpose of getting there otherwise you miss the whole boat you end up missing the whole boat you end up cutting Corners in places you should not be cutting corners or you end up acting because my stomach tells me to react react this way and it's a mistake just because I want to do it just because I want to do it just because I want my child to be able to say sh does it mean that nudging in the middle of sh is going to get him to be doing it forever that's not necessarily going to be the answer just because that's usually my passion right now I want him to be able to to you know what's going on you look over and he's not he's not he's spacing out into sh he's spacing out into sh so you quickly give him the nudge in order to be able to do that nud then as one time heard every time notice every time you nudge your child to be able to doin or something the first thing he does is Turn the Page there something happen something something turns the page something at least he feels like he did something you know like he turns the page in the book right that's just because we feel maybe that that's something that I did something I accomplished something that means that you're dealing with the means not necessarily are you dealing with the end sometimes we're more focused on the purpose you have to get to where you want to go if you don't get to where you want to go then what's a purpose I had to go to Los Angeles one time I had to go to Los Angeles that's where I'm from now Los Angeles long trip I don't even take what for the direct flights I take with stopovers but even with or without that 20 hours 25 hours if they'll make it 16 hours doesn't make any difference it's a long trip but part of being a long trip which doesn't bother me is the expense it's a very expensive trip it's very expensive it's over $1,000 it's very expensive okay so you had no choice to do but you know I really want to go on first class class this that's not really true but it's fine pretend I really wanted to go in first class you want to do M did not my salary yet so I'm still not going first class but yeah that's what I want to do so I was checking out the ticket the ticket first class it's crazy it said forget it I want to it but I really want to go in first class so I called and I found out that getting a trip to England on first class is the same price as getting a coach to Los Angeles so I bought a first class ticket to England instead of getting a coach to Los Angeles and I got my first class ticket what a doo brain right what a do brain you going the wrong place what does the help for you're sitting nice and comfortable with all the fancy food it doesn't help you have to get to the point when you want to get to the place you want to get to that's where you have to that's where you have to go so if that's true then you have to remember that's the CL this is the one CLW that I want to get over today and again when we start we already start next week B with with a teenager but this is all we're focused on the focus on always remembering the now what is our I'll mention a few of our points or a few of our our our points that we're aiming for first of all we want them to be happy children right that's our Focus we are aiming that our children should be happy they should be satiated have be saturated with life that's something that we want them to have right isn't that something that everybody would be very satisfied to see a child being happy second of all you want them to be successful in life now how do you define success well obviously each parent is to his own in our world obviously it's in obviously to be able to be connected to be ANM properly in the let's say less religious world but also by us it's not a contradiction but doesn't believe in it obviously successful when it's talking about monetarily comfortable to be able to be taken care of but these are all these are all focuses that we're trying to do we want a kid who's happy successful who has meaning to his life is another important thing that he finds meaning to being alive to wanting to be here and a and and by doing that he knows and is able to appropriate what his K what are my capabilities what are my potentials many children never know what they're good at because they never hear it they usually hear what they're good they're bad at most of the time we're busy giving our especially the teachers I know but and they they're hearing about the things that they're not good at necessarily as opposed to the focus on what they could do and what they're capable of doing and that's really the success of a child the success of a child specifically comes from there from being able to know what I'm good at and what I should utilize for my future and lastly number five on the list of the different things that I'm mentioning over here and and and is probably the most important is to be able to learn and again you have to know how to do this to be able to know self-restraint to be in control of my body and my body is not in control of myself such a person as absolute Bliss as growing up as a child we cannot give happiness to our children you cannot doesn't matter how many dollars you give them doesn't how much money they get doesn't matter how many prizes and presents the relative who all of toys I never had to go to Toys R Us I went to this relatives in my house Toys R Us was there everything was there and you know I'm not going to tell you what happened with the children per se oh they bought them happiness they bought them happiness no you can earn them happiness that they can figure it out themselves teaching them to have self-restraint in the right places to be able to be at absolutely in control and one of my old I showed the video I think all of us should know would know about the marshmallow T I'm not going to go through it the old marshmallow tells from the 60s they did it get in the 80s we're all familiar with it right the one you familiar with it no oh withas what is this the marshmallow test there was in the 60s they did it I even had the video of it and I actually showed it one of the sh is basically that they had they tested many children with a two marshmallows in front of them they put them in a closed room with a oneway mirror so they didn't know anyone was looking they said 5 minutes they put one marshmallow sorry they put one marshmallow they said sit here 5 minutes you can eat the marshmallow if you want no problem you can eat it but if you don't eat it then you should know then you get two marshmallows afterwards okay you get two this is this is a test you do in the 60s in the 80s they already had to use you know uh fancy ice creams in a little bit more exciting marshmallows just not going to know go in the 80s but anyways that's what they did and they did and they show all the different children it's just an incredible thing to see you could you could look on Google you can go it's incredible to see the different patterns of the different children how some just like were barzel like you know Iron Dome they didn't move they just stood there and looked at the marshmallow until they came in they got their two marshmallows beautiful and there were some that was almost humorous like right when the door closed after the parent talking they closed the door and the mouth that was was gone it wasn't even there like it's uncredible and then you saw some that you see them with their fingers and know like you know they walking around the marshmallow looking at it all angles like going around like playing for 5 minutes around the marshmallow and doing that and you see other Geniuses that they were they didn't take the whole Marsh they took like a piece like a little bit a little bit by the time the 5 minutes was up about 3/4 was gone so I don't know if they got the extra marshmallow but the test that they did 25 years later this is AR test that they checked 25 years later and it was Mish they said 90% result were like this the ones who were able to resist who had the co the self-restraint the ones that really had those capabilities they're the ones who were really successful in life what they call successful they're the ones who are very wealthy people or very M people were then most of the people the one who slammed it right into their mouth was a criminal in jail for 15 years as a prisoner right and then everyone had their different things and that's of self-restraint is real a satisfaction and again you have to know how to get there but that is a place that we're getting to to be able to teach himself self restraint even more than because if a child knows how to be in control of himself and his body stays in control so then he'll be able to do this this is it that's the focus I'm going to give you a few examples now but that's the focus we want to get him goals that we want our child and you have to you have to it with your wife you have to get your spouse make a make AAL ation what is the goal that we want for our child to be with and by doing that we will be able to last for a longer period of time it will last at a completely base it's not here just for the here and now it's there for the later part and that's what I want to say the PK everyone focuses on of course it's true each child give him his own but the the main focus of that P is is the latter half of the PK it's the second half that even when he gets older it won't leave you have to remember that's the the whole goal of it's not that now he listens to you if you're doing it for the here and now it will not last it won't work it'll be until you turn your face around and it'll do it again and even if it works for a few years when he gets older it ends up just falling apart in the teenager years it doesn't go you have to make it that it grows on him that he appreciates it comes from a place of actual Independence and therefore it comes with a proper when to do things there's a story with reak of ketki which kind of brings out this uh this concept remember jaob was at a meeting in tvat with a number of people and they had Refreshments on the table they had a you know good American danishes and cookies and all these types of things and was at someone's house it was at someone's house so there's a four-year-old who noticed the goods that was on the table and he kind of went behind one of the chairs climbed on ket's lap he went on the table started crawling towards the middle of the table a big wide table was a very large house right Dy to the middle of the table he snatched a couple pieces of of of cake and he went down and escalated down on the other side on the other chair on the other way around and he went and had it and had his fill and his father was so upset at him he was this he was you know his father was going to take him to the room to be quote unquote as they say he was going to take care of him so told him you said no you could think that's called but that's not really called I venture to say when the kid is 23 he's not going to do the same thing that's what I venture to say I don't think that's going to happen is when you're taking a because you see a problem that will be led to in the future that will happen just because he calls and tries to take a snack in the middle of yov ketki who has no idea where yov is with his beard as opposed to the the president of the sh with his beard also he doesn't know what the difference is between one person and the next so therefore that's not necessarily called in other words was telling us we'll be quoting him here and there we focus on the Y we focus on the purpose the mat the goal where am I going what am I trying for is this purposeful I think before I act I'm double-checking before I do the ACT is it true what I'm doing or is it not am iing making sure that the appropriate thing I'm doing is there to be able to to take the right thing you know one of the best games that's known about in the the only game I think that's ever mentioned by theim I'm talking about over a thousand, 1200 years ago it's mentioned in olds Farm is chess chess what an old game shakat shakat what they call they have another name in in Old Latin for it right but chess is an old game that happened it was even before Monopoly incredible right this older than any any any U any one of these old games from the thing before any games was chess chess was a game that's always been around from the beginning of creation it seems like and I always wonder why was chess even quoted sometimes they talk about playing chess on Shabbat or things like that why was chess an important game if anything is bit but the answer is chess is an incredible game you know why because the only way to play proper chess is you have to think three steps in advance you cannot be successful the biggest chess Champions know exactly how to think ahead very quickly they're a cluer they know how to think think ahead to be able to be smart enough to be able to not just say okay well he moved here I no I want say if I move here then he's going to move there oh you have to think six steps ahead it almost makes you crazy sometimes when you start doing just okay I'm just moving right but that's a a real smart chess player knows how to think ahead and if this chess player would move it into he'd be the best ever that's really how you have to be you have to think ahead many times before you go ahead and take a reaction or an action before you go into going in and and acting in a certain way classically speaking when someone when a child does something when a child does something we'll automatically want to react in a certain way okay we'll re react in a certain way or let's go before that let's say I want to tell him not to do something s I'm coming here to tell a child not to do a certain thing really really usually we'll tell him not to do something because we don't want him to do it period come back at 8:00 you tell please come back at 8:00 I'm not going to the age let's say 7:00 come back at 7:00 why' you tell to come back at 7:00 I don't know I just B it came to thing but are you being before you do that how much G are you going to have to go through before this kid comes back at 7:00 are you sure you're giving an accurate time before you tell him to do such a thing sometimes you have to be if it's to make that commandment to make sure that he really will keep the command I'm not saying not to tell kids not to do we definitely should and that teaches self selfcontrol and it's important to teach them but thinks a few times over before he gives the command to make sure a the kid will be able to commit to it or B even if he can't commit to it I'll be able to make sure that he commits to it that I'll be able to make sure that he'll be able to follow through to it and I'll be able to automatically make sure that there will be a a followup to what to what we're discussing in other words that's called you're focusing on what's going to happen you're focusing on the future how do I speak to someone to be able to make sure that that it will actually it will actually occur in a way that I want it to do why cuz I'm not focusing on myself I'm focusing on him I'm focusing on what's good for him it's good for him to know he can't be out till the he has to know self-control kids come back at 7 o'cl this age whatever age it is kids at this age come back at 7:00 so I decided that this is the important time for him to come and this is something I can follow through he's going to give me a tantrum I'll try to work on it he has to do it but that's the important time but it shouldn't come out of because I have a specific whim because I decided that that's the appropriate thing that needs to be done you understand here's a better example this like this example I like very much and I'll tell you the truth this is in my 20 years ago but in my beginning stages I didn't realize this at the time and I think this is a perfect example of being able to to figure this out one with a boy one with a girl if a room has to be cleaned now a room has to be clean because it's a mess so you tell the kid to clean the room now just because the room is this messy does that mean that this kid specifically is capable of cleaning the whole entire room or that's his position to do it again I'm telling him to clean the room why because I want him to learn self-control I want him to learn that sometimes an ABA says something and you have to listen or I want him to learn that if something's a mess it has to be tidy it has to be kept up to now because his two younger brothers also made a mess all right and of course all the older brothers have to clean up for everybody else also their mess does that mean that now he has to be punished that he has to clean up the whole entire room which he himself is not capable of if he's capable of so tell him to clean the room if you know he can do it and if it means a little bit of a push but we usually go with the standards that because the room is X dirty so that's why it has to do a girl is told to wash dishes how many dishes does she have to wash as many dishes are in the sink you don't do half the dishes what are you crazy when the dishes are that much dishes so that's what she has to do obviously that's what you have to do so that means a girl who's in a household of three children and a girl who's in a household of 13 children they have different rules in life every every person according to the age appropriate and according to the whoever their personality is what they're good at or what they're capable they are told to do what they're good at you have to make it age appropriate for whatever age they're good at and and appropriate to their ofie right is there better word personality characteristics right that's good word right according to the characteristics that's how you go ahead and you appoint an assignment you appoint what they need to do and like I said yes don't learn from your teachers say teachers are not able to do that teachers tell them you shut up and you quiet and stop going get out of the class and do this I have no tightness on them because they have 30 kids in the class poor people right I myself am a teacher in a girl school right so you can't do anything I don't do that by the way just but uh but I'm saying it's it's it's a hard thing you have to deal with too many people you have whatever amount of kids you have some people have a classro in the in the house also but but each one is your own individual individual child and you know what to do I tell you I do this personally with my own children right I said this in the old and it still applies nowadays I'm still in charge of Friday clean up somehow I still got this job that's my job okay said I don't do any cooking in the I don't make the CH in the house so that I'm still in charge of Friday clean up so when I was younger younger I was fresh you know early in the early days so I would tell a child to do a job and then if you wouldn't do it would you just finish your job already finished a job but when you become a little bit more educated so you know which kids are good at what and therefore those jobs should be appropriated to each child that's really what the person should be doing there's some kids who are good at taking a pile of stuff because there ADHD kids or something that they have to be moving left and right able to do that so they're the ones who could take five six seven things and put them away in the place and Shalom is some girl is usually a girl who's much more mudar organized and so she's the one that can fix up the closet or have to do whatever needs to be done to fix to fix things up or like I said maybe to wash the dishes or things like that or who's in charge of setting the table officially I know my daughters always love setting the table cuz she loves do 16 different colors and making all the Flor and the flowers are the same colors as the flowers great that's a great why not it's it it just works well because that connects a person so you have to be able to figure out the specific ofie of each individual child and that's it I'll tell you a personal mice I'm not sure if I can see the women shair my wife is going to be there so I'll just tell you I have one child who is um who is 18 right you know autistic type of child I'll be honest with you my and she can't really clean very much at all can she can't or she doesn't let's put it that way right it doesn't happen it's just not not her thing so the kids very much uh complain they complain about it say it's not fair we're all cleaning up and why don't she get to do it so beum you know what my response to it basically is and I don't mean to say it in a negative way but I say you want to be in the same category as her then you don't have to clean either and they take that as a necessary response but you know what I never tell her not to do anything she's in charge of opening the bags of the garbage bags and putting inside the garbage kit right when the bags are empty she's in charge of putting the the garbage bags inside of that or that's a and the second job is I'm just throwing it out because it's just jobs that you see appropriate for any you know she she can do it even though she thought certain limitations to do that she's in charge of taking the eggs out of the container and putting it in the refrigerator she feels great about it she laughs about it very positive wow look how good I am with this right she's like you know the the egg person knows a lot to do it shom no one touches the eggs it's her job that's just to do and that's ex just a good example of how you're able to appropriate according to a person and you don't push what it is and you don't have to no jealous don't kid us to be jealous of the other ones because everyone has their own stature their own place and everybody has their own position of what of what they're good at and it's a shame when people try to overlap and try to give people jobs of where of where you're trying to where you're trying to put defeat again it's not for you it's not for your house to be clean it's not for the food to be cooked not for the dishes to be clean or it's not for the for for you to make sure that he's back at a certain time it's for the child when you're focused on the child to be able to see what you can do so then you will be um successful okay that's the idea if I can use an expression what says in one place sometimes you can win the battle but you lose the war you lose the war and many people have to say if you don't do the in the right way you're winning battles because you get them to do it you get them to go there you get them to do and be appropriate for what he needs to do but you end up losing the war cuz he's not really there he doesn't feel connected to what he has to to do and what he has to feel and he doesn't feel connected to the actual thing and therefore it's not uh it doesn't help s that's a that's an important concept what it is I'll give you another example which is important by me is off by 5 minutes I'm at 9:10 right now yeah that's why okay we'll finish 5 minutes S 5 minutes 9 15 we stop s s we'll stop in 9:15 this is a very important piece by me this is something very uh I feel is very important and this is something that I have you know takes practice to get there but you have to get here you have to perfect this there's something that's called a threshold a threshold anyone who's spoken to me in in the past knows that this is something very big by me there's something that called a threshold now a threshold means that we all have thresholds of what makes us tick what makes us stop what stops us in our place what gets us interested and whatnot you always want your kids threshold to be as low as possible as low as possible meaning you have to do as little as possible to get him to do the things that you're interested to do the ideal and I'm taking the ideal and this is not something that's out of the ballpark you can do this if you started your early enough it should work is when the kid does something wrong he can look at ABA who gives him a disappointed face right or you know like some type of face that looks like you know a little nod or something like that and he'll take his hand out of the cookie jar or he just won't do it that is the ideal you don't have to do anything more than that a good teacher in a class they all know gives a certain expression or a certain quiet or a silence and that's it there's a hush in the in the thing a teacher who's ruined his threshold right why because he's a man of raised voices and unfortunately you know I get to hear an experience from U from children I'm sure we've heard this in the past sometimes of that the teacher that from the first day is already with a raised voice ready already screaming at this child or throwing this child out it's such damage it's just so backfired that's a person who's completely looking at the first class ticket they just want to me and they're not looking where they're going get to where you have to go you're wasting your time because when you do that the raised voice just gets louder and louder and louder because that raised voice you broke his threshold after two three times of him being scared at you he won't be scared anymore especially the boys right they'll stop being scared and therefore it's not going to be effective anymore you just going to have to raise the anti you'll have to raise the threshold and therefore you'll have to move it up to a louder voice and then maybe a slam here and there or a little hit or locking up in the room and then you know and if it gets to the older ages and this is cases that happen that people throw them out of the house you know you just get out of the house I just don't want you here because you're a you're a waste of time why you here you're just not like anybody else you're this and all all these derogatory statements that should ever say to a child but all these things where does it come from because you just have no patience because the threshold was broken you're always trying to lower your anti even if you are at a screaming stage you can still lower it you can still try to get him when he's doing something a little bit wrong to show a little bit disappointment and from there to stop him you understand to show just with a little bit disappointment that he's put in control with just a little bit of a disappointment from where from where it comes from so funny of those people who are the most upset at the schools because the rebi punishes or the rebi raises his voices many times walk into their house put a little camera they're the ones are punishing they're the ones who are raising their voices also they seem to be say they usually have the same they're usually that they're upset at the schools for doing what they're doing but in their own right they should be they should be doing so this is the of what we're learning to be able to know when to taking things in the right anti in the right place to be able to do it and therefore a person has to judge every case to where it is and that means like I said playing a game of chess it really is what it means thinking ahead being able to does it mean that every it doesn't say m that everyone has to sit at the Shabbat not everybody has sit at the table of Shabbat now am I saying that everyone should jump out right after KES no it really depends on the situation but it's not where written that it has to be ter that everyone sits at the does write one thing though does write in two places with he goes out of his way and M is not a mus safer he's a safer he goes out of his way two places to write that people who bring their kids to and they make a Rowdy fuss and they and they and they make noise and they do this and they disturb in the schs he speaks very strongly against those people he says you're only them to hate sh or to not like sh or they learn that sh is just a Playard it's a place that's not respectful and he says and therefore it shouldn't happen in other words m is teaching us he's saying think ahead is this child ready to come to SCH or not so classically when people teach me what age should he come that's not a good question you don't say what age did he come what's with the child you get to an age where he sees you going to show and go AB I really want to come to SCH can I come also well well when you get a little bit older you can a little bit older you wait another month or 2 months 3 months when you get a little bit older oh maybe now you're old enough then it's a prize it's a prize to be able to come to sh and he'll be able to be disciplined that's a person who's thinking ahead to be able to do it not with the dos and don'ts at age eight he should be already in SCH come to SCH wake up what's wrong with you it's not doesn't always help to do that has to be to a stage where he wants to come where it's a little bit of pulling himself into doing it every situation is to his own we can't give to you know for each individual situation but that's the idea of a of being able to know when the age appropriate is for each thing and then you're able to do it K told us on this I finish K told us that to be every mitvah say what is the right age for being to say a positive commandment you know what the right age is the answer is it depends on the Mitzvah and it depends on the child that's what it is it's it's brought it's brought in a couple places in your day also the idea of what is the age of there is no age foring we wait till we don't we don't there for you're supposed to do it earlier three is a mistake it's actually a mistake we do it from three because they tell us to do it but it's a time that he can actually take care of his keep everything has to be according to the appropriate age according to where he's able to do it so therefore all MIT all things have to be done age appropriate everything has to be done and that is teaching us what is about thing has to be done according to the Mitzvah to the child according to where he's holding at the time you're doing it is when he's able to know when is to have aakar of who he is of where he is when you're supposed to do it probably about the age of 37 okay that's usually what it's say right am I right that's I don't know I'm still having trouble but that's the idea you have to find out when things are the right time and that's it so I'm telling you for from that things goord AG appropriate not just when we decide it's the appropriate thing always focus and this is the always focus on the if you do that if you're always focused on the purpose in then you will come out with gamas no matter how old he is it won't leave him it will be with him until until the end so okay next