There's Nothing More Complete than a Broken Heart- A Personal Teffila Story. Rabbi Doron Peretz

thank you very much uh r as uh Reon said we are friends we used to be neighbors in Yad binyamin and then without asking us they moved to mitzo I don't recall giving the uh go ahead Umi andson miror moved to MIT was a great game for MIT and a big L but we still work together a little bit with ra and a little bit with as well so it's a to be with you and to share some words and to the are you in general are you Israel in particular are you women's Forum I'm not sure what it's called but all the amazing work that you're doing I know my mother's a very very big fan of Ritson Sam has she been touch with you my mom I'm sure she is yeah she's normally a big fan of rabines but it sounds like she's a big fan of rabbitson as well now and um so it's um it's it's wonderful to be with you you know I think for me this last year um it's really been for me abat hasim um from a place of pain um ongoing pain um many people and I'm sure unfortunately people in the room here as well have been through loss going through loss still dealing with it at some point in our lives unfortunately we all uh part of the reality of Life he's dealing with with loss and um although as a rabbi I had dealt a lot with this with family me with uh family members but also with community members in South Africa uh thankfully had until October 7th other than grandparents had passed away I was very close to hadn't really dealt with something um so close to home thankfully my parents are alive z um I'd lost an uncle about 11 years ago who suffered from a multi-stem atrophy which is a very painful process to see but dealt with by his wife and family with Incredible uh um inspiration and strength and resilience had many uh in our community in South Africa quite a number of children had passed away in tragic circumstances of close friends I dealt with that but uh you know nothing quite prepares you for you know waking up one day and having uh one son missing in action another son injured just by the grace of God yonatan was shot through the thigh and um thankfully only likely to moderately wounded in0 yards from where his brother unbeknown to him and us at the time had been killed and taken captive um we only heard after 163 days that unfortunately Daniel had been uh had been murdered been killed on October 7th so having to deal uh with this was so difficult obviously um obviously loss in and of itself is uh is such a challenging thing but then additionally to have to go through uh the first two weeks of uh your son um being missing I remember the Army came to tell us he's missing I said what do you mean he's missing what do you mean in the 21st century you coming to tell me that in his army base or outside his army base in a place where there maybe more cameras almost in anywhere you don't know what happened to him still struggle until today with this I suppose people who've had somebody close to them passing away suddenly it's the same thing how's a person one day here in one moment not just the suddenness of it is just I suppose everything in life has got its ups and ups and downs it's pluses pros and cons people who unfortunately suffer and go through a protracted death on the one hand it's protracted and difficult and suffering on the other hand one gets a chance often to say go one um not that anything prepares you for it but you you have the person with you for a while and often goodbyes can be said so there's a certain benefit within the pain and tragedy here we didn't have the pain and suffering in terms of Danielle but we had this sort of suddenness and I think anyone who goes to that southerness it's just so difficult how is it it's just so difficult and to add to that the fact that we don't know where Daniel is so for 2 weeks you don't know where he is um then you were told that uh they think he's been taken captive k a hostage they found phone signals in Gaza of his phone Etc 3 weeks later hostage another 2 weeks after that after 5 weeks um the blood that they found on uniform and in the tank is his blood so now we know he was injured so now he's an injured hostage which is very difficult I always felt that if Daniel got through the first day he would be okay but I go through the first day it was very very very difficult that day when they told us that he had been injured turns out that it was actually a silver leing because even though we really suffered even more until we heard um but the fact that we have a uniform and we have blood means we were able to bury something we have a place to go harzel it's called we got a grave a lot of people don't have a grave and it's hard even for me to imagine what it's like not to have a grave um so yes his body is not in the grave unfortunately please God will come home soon with all the others those who need to come home for burial around 40 and they should come back to be with their the families alive but at least we got a grave we got a place to go to many people don't yet have that and please God that have it soon um so then you're dealing with this reality of disappeared I remember the word that they used was ner you know we don't have a CER and the truth is it's 4 52 days noer just disappeared and even though we have a um thankfully a grave he's not in the grave we don't know where his body is probably somewhere in Gaza City as you're aware I'm sure that Israel since the six um you know those six were killed executed by Hamas um Israel's very very careful now not to go to any areas where they know their hostages that it shouldn't happen again and this has given Hamas obviously an uphand in all of these areas because of the hostages it's a very very very difficult situation um so we had to deal with that then after 163 days you know the terrible news that he had passed away um shiver they then allowed us uh with the uh confirmation and the the authorization of the chief of staff to listen to the Black Box of the tank we were able able to listen to the 2 hours and 16 minutes of the bath the tank battle often say it was such a profound poignant um 2 hour 16 minutes on the one hand you're listening to the last 2 hour 16 minutes of your son's life you know how it's going to end it's a tragedy on the other hand you're listening to the last 2016 minutes of your son's life what a s what a s that you can hear 2 hours and 16 minutes the decisions they made the the people they protected how they fought with M how to the last minute trying to save Jews without any care or concern for themselves they left their tank position that they were in a safe tank position at quarter 29 having fought for 2 hours against the first wave when the second wave came in they saw 50 to 60 terrorists coming in on um motorcycles with RPG um ERS they chose to leave the safety of their tank position knowing that they were the last line of defense and they had to do anything and everything to try and prevent further killing you hear in Danielle's voice with the soldiers without hesitation he says we leaving the position we've got to go and we're going to have to stop every one of them because even if they shot with their Cannon how many will they kill 10 15 20 the vast majority would get in and everyone was a killing machine and hence that's what they did he had to open the top of his tank order to put his head out to hold a machine gun and after um a battle for many many minutes maybe 10 minutes close combat eventually unfortunately uh the tank was overrun and three of them were taken captive uh Toy laitz was found dead in the tank he was entangled in the tank they couldn't get him out so um thankfully his parents were able to have a body and a burial on the 17th of October Danielle iten and Matan angres were taken captive on day 156 it Tai's parents KET and um Ruby were informed that he had been killed on October 7th and a week later we were informed about Danielle and we hope and pray that Matan angres the driver the tank was taken alive has been seen by hostages were let out there is evidence of him being alive uh up recently please God is alive and well um now you got to deal with this so this whole 15 months has been um dealing with pain angst concern uh worry loss things not quite closed um so obviously all extreme situations test a person and for me like all of us we try and serve Hashem in all situations we put in for for me this year has been um abim from from a broken heart from um a pain heart one which will I don't believe ever heal um but the one thing I've realized and again I don't want to be presumptuous we not 2 5 10 20 years into this week 15 months and all I can do is day by day is to feel that um somehow one is able to live with a broken heart and I um often reflect on the words the kareba some said might be the who famously said sh there's nothing more complete than a broken heart as I've been through this I'll be honest with you I've fully identify with this there's nothing complete about a broken heart a broken heart is broken it's broken it's always going to be broken Daniel will forever be missing from our family forever in this world until it's a very very very painful reality [Music] um what can possibly be complete about that yes so much good has come out of it so much from Hashem but the heart is still broken and for me what I've realized this year is that you can live with two hearts I'm articulating maybe what the Bal or the quot is saying in my experience and personal interpretation it's not that the broken heart is complete the broken heart is broken but that's not the only reality we also have a complete art and some of you may have seen I try to put a booklet together for the I'm trying to articulate I call it um days of a in times of War it Rhymes better in South African English days of o in times of War as opposed to days of a in times of War so but anyway I went with the South African rhyming thing and um in this booklet I tried to articulate through the themes of the and sukot and Sim what we were going through because I think we were all struggling for the first year of the andk and how do we best experience it and I think for me the most profound experience which I'll speak a moment how this affected my is um that I felt I have two hearts I have a broken heart where there's nothing complete about it it's broken but that's not the only heart I have it's not the only experience in life um I also have a complete heart firstly complete in that on that day a thousand times over we could have lost two sons as has happened in other families ra many examples unfortunately not only could we have did we not lose jonatan he was saved miraculously and he was only in inverted Comm shot in the thigh and the bullet didn't hit his um artery which God could have led to death or his bone he was still able to get married 10 days later albeit a much smaller wedding um he's married he's well he's pretty much 100% recovered and um so even on the day there was so much blessing yes there was so much pain angst and Brokenness but also blessing and one thing I realized the one doesn't cancel out the other one one can't say well such terrible things happened on that day and then ignore the fact that so many good things happened in that day and in our family don't you look far for me this was the Tipping Point the moment where my Paradigm shifted having been in 48 hours The First 48 hours I was in in sou Africa call it a dwall I don't know I don't know what to call it in American English just in this like the shock as we say in Hebrew in shock well-known Hebrew word shock so um just didn't didn't know what was going on had no idea what was going on you living in a reality with one son missing and another son in hospital shot through the th and the time that I was able to begin to lift my head out of the the bore was when I contemplated based on the few things that had happened that day that I'm actually very lucky that jonatan and The Bu The the somehow I don't know how it happened but the ability to say wow I'm actually grateful that you're turn alive and it doesn't undermine invalidate or cancel what's going on with Danielle was the first moment for me of hang on these things go together if you would have told me that it's possible to have a son's wedding 10 days after your son has missing and probably taken captive and be genuinely happy I would have said no maybe that's a story for the gim you know the gim about the G You' heard stories about the go that one of the G I've heard many stories like this God told in the beginning of shabas that close family member had passed away and somehow they keep it at Bay in the whole of shabas celebrate Shabbat and the moment makea burst out crying break down that's that's for so almost seems a little bit inhuman and if you would have told me that it's possible for us average people well us for me average person to be able to go through a wedding my wife and I and family and to be genuinely happy that the heart can contain that while you've got a son in all likelihood held in Gaza and God knows what's going on with him I would have said it's not really possible but you know the amazing thing is life in life is that Human Experience is stronger than philosophy stronger than opinionating at the end of the day as it says in often you know instead of debating it just go and see the reality what what are people doing and somehow I I don't know how to explain it my wife had this sort of epiphany that they must get married and will be okay and it was such a difficult buildup to because I was very very scared that I wouldn't be able to genuinely feel the happiness I wrote in the booklet that the way I developed my coping mechanism was not to think about Daniel I said Daniel forgive me from 4:00 to 12:00 or whatever I'm not going to think about you I can't because if I'm going to think about Daniel during the and the wedding I just won't be able to so I tried very hard in my own mind to block out Daniel from my Consciousness that was my defense mechanism but it didn't work it didn't work because firstly my wife we went into Daniel's room she wanted to go into his room and fill his suit Daniel was our stylist in the family another lovely Hebrew word stylist a person who dresses with style right and um and they bought this beautiful suit and beautiful shoes um and she wanted to go and feel suit that's the last thing in the world I wanted to do I couldn't think of anything worse that I wanted to do I mean I can't think of anything worse but that was not what I wanted to be doing and uh it was very painful to go into his room just for the and come out and I said to my wife Shel I said sh let's now focus on what we have we've got yonatan let's just focus on y it was all part of my defense mechanism so we agreed and at the as I've shared we come to the and it's all holding together and the rabbi who's marrying them the rabbi of our community of starts the by saying how can we begin this without talking about the one who's not here and I'm like looking at him thinking what what is he doing and then he starts mentioning Danielle and he starts crying himself so we all start crying and talking about Danielle and be D for Daniel of course we all broke down it was a very very painful few minutes but then I realized an incredible thing happened of course he did the right thing is the elephant in the room can you really not talk about Danielle as if nothing but I didn't know how to do that so in my mind I just blocked him out because I didn't know how else I couldn't bring Daniel under the with me because there wouldn't be a so I thought so the rabbi with his EQ did I just wasn't thinking clearly the rabbi did the right thing and he mentioned Daniel and he prayed for Daniel cried for Danielle but then the amazing thing happened we stopped we wiped our faces clean and we continued the wedding and yes when we finished the which was amazing we had some family pictures which are very painful until now every family picture is a very very painful the other day we had our son Jonathan his wife Galia and our two daughters in a picture for the on Kan the first time we've had a picture of the five of us without Daniel it's such a painful it just was so painful especially for my wife just just you know she said d That's the first picture we've had of the immediate close family without Daniel or just the five of us um seven of us so um six of us um very very painful so that had passed and then we danced and it was unbelievable and I've often shared that one of our close friends said of the she said friend of us from had been in Tammy Goldberg she said you know donon this is I think she kept it brilliantly she said this is the holiest saddest happiest most inspiring wedding she's ever been at and you know for me it was the happiest wedding I'd ever been at tinged with some of the most painful moments in my life but even the fact that I'm able to say that to reflect that as an experience as something I wouldn't have thought is possible and through this pain when I reflect back in it I realize an unbelievable thing it is possible in the human heart to contain totally contradictory feelings that one would think that in the flow of life of the neish all being connected that how can you have such pain and an and worry with such interpration with such appreciation and blessing I don't know but I know it's possible and that's what I felt this whole year in such a raw Hollow pain we went to see last night a family in my son's diary um we didn't know that he had a diary um but the diary came back from Nal and in this diary he he writes a few things I just want to get to the T part so I won't go into too much detail about the diary in the diary one of the things he writes about he writes about the thing he reflects on every night before he goes to sleep and he writes five things one of the things he writes about is the name of a soldier bar majoral then he has an arrow and the whole long quote of half a page of major baral was baral baral fell September two and a half years ago um two and a bit years ago in yava Shaman in the shaman had a border incident on the on the fence and what became famous about bar he made a very powerful speech on the yaron before he fell at a ticket talking about what it means to be an Israeli soldier he he died during Daniel's officers course turns out that Daniel was incredibly moved by bar on so many different levels and he wrote this whole quote out he knew off by heart a quote about what it means to be part of the IDF what means to be standing in har Herzel amongst your brothers not when they lower the flag in your maikon you don't lower your head but you raise your head with pride you stare straight at it feeling the privilege and the pain of being part of uh you know your brothers who've given their lives for the Jewish people and bar became a role model for Daniel and um he never met him and had tremendous impact on him so for this last year I've been wanting to go and see Bar's mother and family just to share with them and just because of the traveling eventually we went last night and hour and 50 minutes from yam in the rain to Nat wife and I we had a very very special few hours with Bar's mother um Dalia and three of his siblings and very special you know you become part of this group of people and just to obviously took pictures of the diary and we brought it with them and how their son unknowingly to them and to him has Ed our son one of the family members was very very close to her brother was just saying she said you know doron um you know it's 2 and 1 half years and it still feels like when he passed away she just said I just you know it's the heart is broken and probably will forever be um but it's not the only Human Experience there is and for me as I said the biggest learning is this now how does this translate into I want to share with you something that we've all read in the shma and just give my own interpretation of it we say in the as you all know what does rash say on quoting the with your two hearts you got two hearts I thought we only had one heart when I last checked animals have some animals more than one heart you've only got one tiny little heart doesn't matter how big you eyes a human being are small one one little heart size of our fist works very very hard very very hard this tiny little muscle pumping blood everywhere cleaning out the body and don't let me hang on firstly what does it mean the of if it's not clear with your but I'm not going to go into that there's debate what that means but what is clear is that we have two hearts and says the Torah me how does the gor the mission learn that because it doesn't say it says meaning we all have two hearts it could have said says seems we've got two hearts oh now for me that means a complete heart and a broken heart not that your broken heart is complete your broken heart is broken but you also got a complete heart and you know the heart's got space for both there's lots of Chambers in the heart and perhaps to serve Hashem with all of your heart to love Hashem with all of your heart means to bring all of you to bring the broken sides of you where you come and you connect to God through pain through we know that the middle 12 or 13 are called bakashot all the incomplete things in our life there's so many things incomplete who's got total wisdom and total CH connection to God and Total Health and total parasa and to who's got that no one has it so we are inherently lacking we're inherently missing we're inherently yearning and we we're yearning for this and three times a day we say to hashm we just want to be more complete because in a certain way we fractured and broken but there so many El our life of feet we start off with the first three the a we part of such a rich history the shoulders of giants we're not alone in the world we live in a world of protects us we live in a world of of Hope no matter sick and imprisoned and we live in a world of Hope everything can turn around every bit of death darkness and Destruction has kosis Redemption and salvation that's what we start with and how do we end yes we have 12 or 13 um bakashot of how lacking we are how broken we are how needy we are but then we've got so much to be appreciative for how do you move in one moment from all the things that we want all the Bak that are missing in our life and just all the things that are missing have mercy on it how much Mercy we need and then all of a sudden how did you do that what happened how in the middle of Hal are you thanking God and thanking all of a sudden hang on you're just thanking God and save us save us because all of chil is somehow a mixture because all of life is a mixture between the foundations the appreciation and Mission the pain of Brokenness and the complete wholeness of appreciation that's the experience of the amid that's experience of D and of course you'll all be familiar with where is it written in the Torah that we have to D where's written in the Torah so it's in the mid the r brings it says in the Torah number of times we have serve hasem with all our heart says the per Al he says a person is obligated to D every day where do we see it from the Tor he says because say that serving God what is the service of God in your heart that's why intent is so important in ding because the the um the essence of the Mitzvah says in that there's certain that you have to distinguish between the what's the action and what's the actual mitvah so the action is you know following the words saying what's the C what's actual mitah that you're connected that you're serving God with your heart that you intend what you say that you know what you say saying you connected but this really made me think that what is what does God want in wants your heart so bring your heart bring your heart and what part of your heart you [Music] bring broken and complete the better sides and the more challenging sides and then maybe understand something else that we say every day in ding we say in the every daying in we say just before the god Enlighten our eyes through your Torah right and let our hearts single not let our heart cleave to you in service of God and then what's the next one andite heart what you just said now all of a sudden you say unite my heart why does my heart need Unity so you can simply explain what does it mean well just you know just just make sure you you are fully involved but it didn't have to say unite our heart dedicate our heart and how does it continue you now we get an Insight what it is how do you hold in your heart love and fear at the same time these couldn't be two more different emotions or sentiments love is result of closeness of intimacy of wanting to be one fear all is standing aside and even if it's the highest level of what's called but you're at a distance God is Not imminent if we're close to him if we're close to him is but he's transient he's far away he's third person anyone we have aw for fear and aw for are distant from us there's no chommy choies with a king the king's the whole thing is distance distance as we say in the Army another wonderful Hebrew word right in the Army it's well known that especially in the beginning between the soldier and officer in the beginning there is distance which means keep your you know we're not friends you're going to have to follow what I say because when push comes to shove when you need to follow exactly what a sound of fire you going have to do it automatically so how do you have distance distance and closeness how do you have fear and awe and love all they couldn't be more different you welcome to the world of human life we live with one set of dichotomies and therefore we all over the place we scattered we don't know how to and why are we saying because what are we preparing for [Music] the only way to serve God in Oneness the one God is to unite your heart what do the tal actually the mishna famously say on the word often say what does God want from us love God with all your heart okay we'll try give all parts of up okay that's not enough with all of your soul even if you have to give up your life it says n okay what more can you give to God how much more can you love God than with all your heart and even giving up your life like what more can you ask so there's a lovely Express what does that mean does anyone know in English what that means with with all of your what is that in the with all the money now interpretation with every mid that got but that's not says I mean that's that's trush what's theut it's a lovely expression I think Americans use I haven't heard in others you say You must give it all and then some you know that expression yeah but You' given it all what do you mean and then some no no no you've never given it all you've never given it all give everything you've got and more that's the truth what is everything you've got you can always give more ask any top athlete I remember reading a book when I was young we come from a sporting family there was a person who was the person who developed sports management with all the top Sportsmen his name is Mark mccac mccac Industries he professionalized Sport and said to the Sportsman I'll manage your business Affairs you just do your thing and he had a book I remember my father the Shelf called the 110% solution the name of the book he said I've never met a sportsman or woman in any sphere who didn't succeed without giving not 100% when you step on the field that's entry level if you don't give 110% not 100% that's that's obvious another word in Hebrew the obvious again it's another cool word just say the obvious obvious Israelis love using especially in like throwing in these English words there's another one Israelis love in said long story short I'll teach you lots of Hebrew by you learned like 10 new Hebrew words but U there another one I love to say mindset mindset another one how do you say mindset in Hebrew mindset so um so at the end of the day got to give it everything I think means and then just give it everything all your heart all your soul and everything and everything and even more and listen to this and I'll end with this one thing I struggled with this year is a which appears in the same about and I'm sure you're familiar with I really struggled with it and I'll end with this the Mish says a person has to make a blessing on the bad in the way that you like you doing the good and I learned this for the first time what does that mean firstly why must I make the on the bad why must make a on the bad where's that written I mean it's written here but why do I need to do that and what does it mean I have to make aah in the bad like I do in the good what does that mean now the same is says You must make a on the bad called and on the good so one second the is different so I don't make a br on the bad like I do on the good on the BR on the bad I say God D you the true judge and on the bad I say on the good I say so what does it mean a person is obligated to make the good in the way that you're doing the bad what does it mean and then the gor says something I found very very difficult it says to accept it with happiness is God asking me to accept the bad huh come on how I supposed to do that again the G maybe that story of the ad of's father-in-law that when he his son passed away they're waiting for him for the funeral and eventually they went to find him and he was wait waiting before Kaa to say I can't do Kaa unless I can say it with the same level of sinle that I did on the day that he was born okay I can do that I can't do that how can average you do that what is this is is the Torah distant from Human Experience what does that mean I I don't know understand it I just couldn't identify with it and even if we know that everything has does is for the good yeah that's in by the way the gor says says says something we end off the ding with every day in the future God's going to be one the gor says there in the future in the we will understand the difference between good and bad I'm going to end now between good and bad and in the future there will be no difference between attive and D I met because we'll understand it but we don't live there would all be one in this world it's not one on tragedies D I met there a broken heart and pain and the other ones told how do you come and say and then Rashi started helping meash says SH now now now we're getting somewhere for me he didn't say the says sh what does it mean again sh with a complete heart oh to accept the bad things with a complete heart the way that you accept the good things that I can do I feel I believe I can say with an absolute complete broken heart God you know what you're doing I don't know what you're doing I might never know but I don't run the world you run the world I live in your world and therefore I feel I can bring my whole broken heart to you and say I make I'm not thanking you God's not heartless well thank you for taking your son no thank you but I can bless you can bless you I can say God we live in your world greater is the man of God you know what you're doing you're a true judge even if I don't understand it and then I'll end and say I saw that the B byash says exactly what I just said now he says there's no ways that God can ask a human being to thank for the good with the way on the bad and this I interprets it and I'll end with this he says the meaning of the gamorra is a person to on the good bad the way on the good it means like this it has to mean says the means like this that a person has to accept the bad as bad with a full heart complete heart the way that a person accepts the happy times because the complete heart in Happy Times is happiness and a complete heart in the challenging times is a complete heart of acting the world we live in but it's not the same feeling and therefore in that day we can all come to hash and say God's name will be one it will all be one in this world we have a complete heart and a broken heart the broken one is broken the complete one is complete but what's the for me we can serve with both and to come to to bring them together and to come to the to the amid with an absolute complete and full heart of the priv of being a Jew and and then at the end the appreciation for all the good in our lives and in the middle so much pain tears and Brokenness and they go together I don't know how but they do and that I think is the miracle of human life it's living with dichotomies living with contrasts Ava Anda is one contrast body and soul is another one thankfulness and neediness is another one and we can go on and on and on on When Love is one big concoction of dichotomies that's the essence of human life the animal and the human together the animal and the Angelic together and this whole concoction of all contradictions all containing the human heart in The Human Experience in the human soul andem going to dig deep and bring our ourselves wholeheartedly to God wholeheartedly with pain and a broken heart of expressing our needs and distance and desire to be close and all the things that we apprecia for I don't know how it goes together but it does and there other sh we should all only have a whole and complete heart thank you very much [Applause]