The shidduch picture | The Shadchan Shmooze - Episode 4

what is your opinion on pictures in a resume um it's a hard one i think that if the girl gives a picture if the guy asks for a picture um and the girl gives it then the guy should be giving one back as well i think it should be two-sided um but in general i think we live in a world now um in the 21st century where it's hard not to it's really hard to go out like why you know blind date um and go without seeing a picture because the guys are flooded i mean you know hopefully with resumes um and in order to choose one that's a lot of times what they're basing it off of like and then they and then they'll look into it so i feel that if you don't give one you're kind of at the bottom of the list automatically um so just for your own sake it's worth it you know it kind of pushes you off on top of the list so i think that everyone should ask their own love and make sure they're comfortable with it but i do feel that it will benefit you ultimately uh if i can jump in here for a minute um i recently interviewed a girl who adamantly refused to post her picture and she opted instead she said i will give you a very detailed blurb of myself because i want to know that the guy is interested in me for me not because of my picture and i thought that that was pretty clever and she did give a very very detailed blurb of herself and it's quite interesting so i think that she felt um she wanted somebody to be in like i guess she was giving herself a chance also by describing herself and being very descriptive and what her interests were and um i i think that she was quite clever in doing that just wanted to add that in i think though that oftentimes the people when they're not given a picture they kind of automatically assume that the person is not attractive and that's why they don't want to give their picture that was has been my experience so i do make sure that i i tell like the girls at least that like let me see the picture meaning if i don't know you personally i want to make sure i can at least like put in a good word for you if you're not gonna you know i just want to be able to to at least um stay out for them yeah exactly yeah yeah if i could uh to be a little controversial i'm actually very in favor of pictures i find myself even that if a single is on our website without a picture i feel like i get less of a sense of them you know aside from how good looking a person is i feel like if you look into someone's eyes or you look at their face you can get a little bit of a sense of their personality and for me i i feel like that helps in trying to set people up i feel like today there is so much um people have so much exposure everywhere and if they're not gonna see the picture from the girl they're gonna find it somewhere it's everyone has pictures that everyone in the crowd that we're dealing with has pictures online is on facebook if somewhere and most people have no problem going to search for a picture of that person and they'll tell me oh i saw her here there and everywhere so sometimes it pays to present yourself the way you want to be presented and give the picture that you want to give to that end there are pictures on the oral website of some that i feel like should be replaced because i know these girls and the guys and they don't look like that like they didn't give in their best picture so sometimes i'll tell them maybe you should call up you know and make sure that the picture that you have there is one that best represents who you are and it's not either old or something that you don't really want to represent you because most of you right there you easily find the girl maybe right there you see the proof that the pictures are not really accurate because you know the ones that you know you see them on the picture and you know that that's not really what they look like so that proves that these pictures are really not accurate i know but that's what people are basing it on they they're and again if they don't they're not giving them pictures and they're finding one because that's what everyone is doing um i think it honestly depends on the situation i would say not it's not a clear yes or no i'll give you an example but i think it's appropriate for example if two couples i live in california if the other person lives in the tri-state area i would hate to if you don't send a picture i would hate to send the couple to the other coast only to find out that there's no attraction there so i realize it's just a picture and i realize that people don't necessarily look like their picture and we certainly don't want people to be judging someone solely on their picture but i do think that if someone is just way off for them and they just not i never tell people are you attracted to them i say is this person pleasant appearing to you um i i always say that it there there shouldn't be if you have a wow that's solely that's not that's just infatuation and we know that infatuation is not a good method for dating on the other hand if someone lives locally i just set up a couple who live literally two three minutes away from each other in that situation i say what do you have to lose um and you know just give it a try you're so close there's not no harm being done um especially if i know you know i need to be respectful also a lot of girls for example for tsanua reasons or the rev has suggested to them not to exchange not to exchange pictures um and i know happen to know that maybe the girl is unusually maybe ha actually is very pretty i'll tell the guy just trust me on this one i think that you will find her attractive and again what do you have to lose so i think it depends on their location and the situation and we'd have to be respectful it's typically the girl that's hesitant to send a picture just because again of modest reasons stella yes if if you were suggesting somebody from one coast to the other would you faster suggest that maybe they do a zoom rather than just exchange a picture um sometimes yes but it depends on the situation again i have a girl like i said that i set up right now and a couple and they're both very reserved so i think zoom sometimes can be very overwhelming because i i treat zoom as as if it was a real day meaning that the girl actually goes out and i tell him make yourself up if you normally wear makeup wear makeup dress up as if you were going out on the date some girls might find that intimidating um maybe when they don't know someone and of course again there's um they might be reserved and so starting a conversation by looking at each other might be awkward so what i do is i say i ask the couple we always want the input of the couple you know we don't want to make all the decisions for them because i find if you give them some level autonomy you get better cooperation from them so i would say you know let's try are you comfortable with the zoom date if they both say yes great but if one is hesitating or but they both hesitate then i'll say you know what let's just try the phone one time or two times and then we'll move forward mrs admit you want to say something yeah um as much as the boys all request a picture and base it on a picture i find the girls are doing the same thing and they're being just as hard as the boys are with the pictures so if we could do away with pictures it would have to be for both sides but the girls i think are definitely getting um just as picky as the boys are do you think that it smells an equality thing that they say well if it's good for him then i i'm not so demanding no no i think that the girls want to look at pictures and see if they're attracted and it has nothing to do with of course the boys so i want to see so first of all i don't know if you all saw around brittany by the go to convention did you see that discussion about this so he very clearly said that there's nothing wrong with seeing a picture and all through the generations people always wanted to see what the girl looks like and there's really nothing wrong with that um the problem is maybe just that the boys have a lot of pictures on their phone but that's a different issue it has nothing to do with you know the shut up pictures to begin with um so that was like everybody could i could send you the link to it it's a very good thing to listen to now that being the case aside from if you want to say hashtag or any other reason my reason why i do not like pictures in the beginning is because i feel that there's something very very important about a first impression and i feel like if the first impression is a picture which is everybody knows pictures are not real then you're getting a very fake first impression and you're just losing yourself out for your own self you're losing out so i try to tell the boys i'm not trying to tell you what to do but i'm trying to help you that first get a first impression after you get a first impression i'll send you a picture and i think that it makes a very big difference that way i'd like to just share a story i had set up a couple and also they were very excited about the info that they heard about each other but they didn't want to finalize going out on a date until they exchanged pictures we did that and now basically i got a note from the girl she was not happy with what he looked like i didn't hear that from her but after not really giving me any real excuse why she was saying no i spoke to her rabbitson and that's what i heard she was very unimpressed with his vlogs i suggested that we try um phone dating because they were out of town this was before zoom was popular this is before corona and they actually had two phone call dates it went so well they agreed to meet and they both drove in and met you know in an in-between state um they went out on a couple of dates it ended up not working out nothing to do with looks and everything like that but once they got to know each other it really took off for a while you know so i'm very not into pictures and i've also seen where pictures are so different than what the person actually looks like a resume that i got the king with the picture i didn't even recognize the person in the picture and i worked with her on a regular basis so i don't know what to tell you but pictures to me are very not real exactly did anyone read the ted this week um on the they had a section on shirokim and they were just giving stories and one story was that the boy really liked the girl everything was good but she had a big nose and he couldn't get past the attraction and he even told her and she was willing to do a nose job and he's like i just can't get past it and then i don't remember exactly how it went but he ended up marrying her and he got engaged and just one thing after they didn't have time to get you know her nose fixed and two kids later she said all right i'm settled i'm fine everything's good i'm making an appointment to have my nose and he goes you're gonna ruin that gorgeous nose of yours [Laughter] so once someone gets to see the person that's why i also don't like the pictures is once someone sees the person and they get the personality i never thought i'd marry my husband he was not the look i was looking for at all that one first date i was like oh you know what so i feel like the tr it's different for a girl a girl could make the attraction grow we see the guys from the inside out where the guys excuse me see the girls from the outside and then go inside to see what she's about but i do think that given enough time hopefully the boys can get past that little incident and see the beauty of her what is your most frustrating part aspect about your doctor i think some maybe some of the guys who he have like such a list of they they want to go out with this girl and this girl this girl they like they don't really know what they want and sometimes that's a little bit difficult because you're not whoever you fix them up with they might not they might not agree to it because they think they're going to find something someone better