The Science of Dating (Is There One?) | Journey to Success - Episode 4

okay welcome welcome everybody i hope you'll find this informative this is the first time so not sure exactly what you want to hear i'm going to cover quite a few areas and afterwards we'll have questions and answers and we can follow up with further classes based on feedback from everybody out there what is the science of dating the answer of course is there's no science in dating my best friends who i thought would for sure get married first the most suave easygoing everything going for them many of them had to wait for 10 years but all of us want to try to perfect our game i would like to talk today and tonight about a couple of basic areas we'll go very quickly through many areas and then we'll have questions open up to the floor we would like to talk about first of all what's the goal in dating second of all the stages of dating how to move from stage one to stage two to stage three and how to clinch the deal finally and that is extremely important question what is the goal of dating very very important what's the goal i make a good show you make a good show if we both do a good job faking each other out then we get engaged what's the goal of dating three quick points one of them is that different than the western world where dating is starting a relationship with somebody and then after a couple years if the relationship is going good then you decide on marriage and by that time usually both were bored and sick and tired of each other the goal the torah goal of dating is not to start a relationship we don't recommend starting a relationship but the goal is to get to know the person and this has a very big practical difference because if the goal is to start a relationship someday it's just not a relationship but did you get to know the person if you got to know the person it was very very successful that's a very very important thing to think about when you're dating another very important point is to realize that dating is a vehicle to get somewhere it's to get marriage and many people i had some friends that were dating for a while and i asked marsha shiva why aren't they getting married he said right now they're dating they're dating when they're ready to get married they'll get married a few months later he said now they're ready to get married and the guy actually got married both of them very very soon is this getting me closer to marriage am i dating this girl am i enjoying myself or and one very good way to crystallize the girl you want to marry a very very good way and this came from joseph i think he's out in the crowd tonight i heard it from him and he said when you spend the shabbos by a mentor by somebody a family and this is the type of family i want to be then look at this girl and say is she going to build that house that i want to build and then all your lists we make lists what i want and what i don't want it could fall away when you visualize a real picture of somebody this is the type of house i want to is she that person that can make that house so it's very very goal oriented and takes gets rid of a lot a lot of the just thinking and overthinking and back thinking i have a goal is this going to get me to my goal and number three and this is this is a game changer to realize that there are two specific things there is character and there is personality you're looking for character and personality character find out about character before the date that's you do research do more research that's before the date find out about her character personality is what you're checking on the date and it's very important not to confuse them because many times people on the date are busy trying to find character she said this did she mean that did she say this oh what did that mean and what are they trying to find a better character drive yourself crazy every word she says oh i get nervous every time before i have a test oh is she the nervous type you see the nervous type you're trying to figure out character this is not the time to figure out character many times will drive you crazy unnecessarily and the same thing is personality if before the date you're asking people about personality that's like asking people about cake is it a good cake is it a bad cake personality is a taste and that is the really the goal of the date get to know the personality is this the personality that i like can i enjoy this personality or not that is the goal where am i going and again i'm running through things quickly we'll get back to it you can watch the video later on or you can ask with each one of these points really needs a whole entire class let's move on very very important thing in dating is to know that there's a progression this step one which could be one two three dates step two which could be three four five dates step four whatever amount whatever the number is but a date dating has to progress from beginning type of dates to the end time dates and if you mix them up and again the beginning type of dates are more simple you know in any social situation i call it like elevated conversation and many people are strong in one area not the other the lowest level elevated conversation some people could just talk about the weather and have no problem with that some people are only very good at deep meaningful conversations with people they don't know how to just shoot debris and every single person has to realize what his weakness is and try his best to develop those talents i remember had a friend of mine i was going out for a while and just the girls kept dropping him and someone came home and said what's going on this guy's a great guy why do they keep dropping i thought about it for a couple of minutes i said you know he's the type of guy he's so open he just opens himself up to everybody and he's probably on date number one he's already on the last step and he's just all out there and people get very uncomfortable with that and i called them over and i said you know um i was just wondering i have no idea but it's possible your personality is like this and you are on day one already you know telling her all your problems and everything else it might just be uncomfortable for people he said you know you're right hashem the next girl he got married to so day number one it's really very important you know my father now is unfortunately very very sick and he can't talk back to me i have to make a conversation with him to make a one-way conversation you need to prepare to talk about the weather to talk about news just to make simple conversation it's a talent that takes time and takes energy and a person really has to work on it and think about it and prepare himself if he's not good at that prepare yourself what are those easy conversations and how do i keep them going that is a very very important point again talk about her her family simple things things you're talking about things when it's time to progress to this next level it's very very important to talk a little bit more about yourself and many guys have this problem specifically talk about myself there's nothing to talk about i'm just a boring guy i really takes time to think about it and work on it and really drew up a list of things i went to camp what happened interesting things different people that made a difference in my life all different stories that happened to me i went here i have a job this kind of job was interesting you really have to be able to prepared to talk about these things second level a little higher level conversations very very important trick is not to be talking and talking and talking you have to know how to stop talking also a comfortable pause there's nothing wrong with that just a comfortable course enjoy each other's company someone just told me a friend of mine said you know i went out with 12 girls the first 11 every time it was quiet i jumped in with the conversation i jumped and i jumped in and the last time i said you know let me just enjoy i'll wait a couple of you know there's no rush you have to have what to say there's no rush to have what to say that's an amazing thing to think about enjoy and then you can move on another very very important tip is whenever you talk about something about yourself now what about you i went to this camp this summer i had this in the show tell me about your job that always could flow a conversation anything you're talking about and how about you how did you feel about the weather last night the storm where were you during the storm how was it again you're always showing that you care about her and you do care about her don't get too caught up with yourself and always follow up and if she tells a story a lot of guys don't have a hard time with this and i just spoke to one of our chautanem jorgie cohen i said what are the girls biggest complaints about guys he said even though the girls know that really it's equal responsibility to keep the conversation going the bottom line is the girls feel you know this guy can't keep the conversation going and that's very that bothers them very much so really you should take it upon yourself to keep the conversation going and it's very simple when she said something to follow it with a few w questions who what why why why did that hap why did you go there when did it happen who are you with the w questions to keep the conversation going and really to show interest and really again your goal is to get to know her if every time she says something you're quiet end the conversation you're not gonna be able to get to know her it's very very important to follow up every question and again she's talking about something be totally focused this is very very important so many times we're busy trying to remember our next part of the conversation as soon as she finished i just remembered i have to talk about this i forgot to talk about that and you're totally zoned out to what she's talking about and she could feel that focus 100 on what she's saying then afterwards have a pause you think a little bit you know it's very interesting what you're saying while you're talking i was thinking about something give me a second oh i want to tell you something you were speaking about this i had a question about that it's so amazing and of course a person has to get ready to be able to get to the last stage to open up a little bit and us guys a very hard time opening up we like walk around with invisible barriers around us and to open up people who want to be able to connect and feel a connection at least a little connection or such a hard time more than once i had a guy that came over to me and said i'm ready to drop this off whoa is everything all right she's a great girl everything is right so while you're dropping the it's just not going anywhere we've been going out for a while going out it's just not going anywhere and again every situation needs a different type of tool but more than once i've suggested i said listen she's a great girl you got to be get ready to open up next date just any sheet that you have any thought you have any any just shoot it out are you worried that she's gonna tell the whole world you're a crazy guy no she's a great girl she's not going to tell anybody listen go for the gold just show her everything you got show everything you got and see what happens if she likes what she sees he'll be engaged and probably what's gonna happen is she's also gonna open up and then you'll get that connection that you need to take it to the final step and if not okay so now she really got to see who you are and she's not interested that's fine again there's already after many many dates you're in stage three already you're in the final stage go for it you know going or blowing as they say in football it's what you got to do in park hashem seen tremendous results the next night two nights next date already ready for l'chaim and again and if the other side and she says no this guy's not for me i mean he just told me all about himself but to be able to expose yourself a little bit and say you know i have little phobias over here this and that first date no way it's not important i can't everybody's different every situation is different but it's just not the place for it as you know i'm afraid of heights i'm afraid of this you know just making yourself into a real person some people are so professional at dating every every question has a perfect answer i know someone who's honest like one of the last dates and he's like you know everything you have you're perfect okay is there anything wrong with you just tell me something wrong with you i have to be able to relate to you as a human being if everything is perfect you're not a human being i just can't relate to you that's such an important thing many people find it useful also to have these little dating games we have questions once we run out of things to say and to talk about it has questions and that's a great you know even in the glove compartment said you want to try a little dating game some interesting questions and ask her to take it out of the glove compartment the game take a look at it read it back and forth some of them have different level questions and you know if you're on a first date that's too easy some easy questions a little further some comfort questions that's an amazing thing to help get you into the final stages and to clarify one of the things that i think is so so crucial in dating is having a mentor having a ready having a dating coach having someone you talk to i remember back in the day when i was in yeshiva a lot of guys were going out and i really didn't consider myself a professional at dating or anything but people would talk to me and ask me their questions and they're going out and it was amazing that i would sit down people and talk to them and again i didn't give any of my own ideas nothing i helped them clarify what they're going through and what they're seeing and so many times i didn't say anything but the clarity the person gets their own clarity you talk to somebody talk it out to someone you trust it's unbelievable i remember i was sitting learning my character and someone comes and says moses i have to talk he's very important can i talk to you for a couple of minutes says are you getting engaged tomorrow night and he says no why would you think i'm getting engaged tomorrow night and he says well last couple of guys they went to speak to rabbi moses they got engaged the next night i was like really you know he could be he was right he was right and that guy also got engaged the next night and again totally not from any again i'm not i don't have enough experience especially at that time and these areas tell people what to do and what not to do i talk it out and clarify their questions and get to the bottom of their question with a mentor it's priceless it's absolutely prices i don't know how anyone could do it without it follow up with your mentor after marriage also they found one of the most biggest criterias for people to have successful marriages are people that have someone they could talk to a rebbe a mentor a coach anybody that they could talk to if you have someone to talk to inside of its own side of you people rip themselves apart back and forth should i should i have said i should not have said it's so hard to know what you should have said and what you should not have said what to look for i just want to touch on a few little points what to look for in a shirt we went in when i was learning in variance of one of the great rabbis or mushy of shapiro and we asked him what should we look for in a shirakh something amazing and i heard abhikiver tat said that especially people that are in the true of a process have a hard time with this and don't get this so motivated and so we idealistic evangelism shapiro said the first thing is me this character good character that's the first thing he said the second first thing again this is from the greatest rabbis speaking very the second first thing is looks really looks you said it's a rambam it's my manatees looks and many people that are very idealistic miss this and say oh good deal it's not important looks is very important judaism we look at the whole picture and that's important for you too you're going on a date make sure you smell good you look good you're refreshed you're feeling good the car is good these things make a difference in judaism we believe the whole thing with a person has a body a ruach emotional self and a shama and everything you got to get the whole entire picture and of course his son david shapiro came up with us and he said something very important very profound he said looks make sure looks he doesn't mean what everyone thinks is looks many people oh the world is into this kind of look and that's what i'm going to have to look for because yo look many people have very specific what they would like not everybody's looking for the skinniest girl in the world not everybody's looking for blonde not every famous story one of the books out there it's printed about this guy he went to his rabbits and he said by the way is that you know embarrassed to say this i happen to like the asian look and she said great i have a girl she's adopted she's chinese but she's gorgeous and she's a bossy swirl and she's unwonderful and they're married for many many many years and it's printed in a book it's famous what do you what do you really want it's important again it doesn't have to be dropped and gorgeous something that would not never stop thinking about it's not the most important thing it has to be someone you enjoy and appreciate their looks very important another game changer that many many people see fit just slips their mind to asking is he is she normal is a person normal is she well balanced now of course depending on who you are that word means something else but that is a very very important question another important question many people skip can you have fun with this person most people need to be able to relax and have a little bit of fun i was read a certain from a very prominent family and i asked somebody you know this type of family like when i get home they're all rishi shiva's and everything else would i be able to take off my you know coat my hand jacket just relax and the guy said you know that's a very good question i'm not so sure they're very formal people it's just not for you if you need someone who has fun just to enjoy with it's an amazing amazing thing to remember to ask that question that's something again of that personality that's so much character that you can see on a date so keep it especially on the first dates earlier dates keep it light see if you can have fun very very important in all areas relay stern says this off to all this bachara make sure she's having a good time you have a mitzvah right now to make sure she's having a good time and you know what obviously if she's having a good time you're gonna be having a good time you'll feel great about it another big key again this is not all my stuff is from greater people than me you could come to lecture and the guy's talking and talking and talking and you don't really remember everything the person says you know what you remember remember the energy the vibes the feelings did i feel good listening to this person did i feel positive when this guy was talking or not and you have to be very cognizant to that on a date to give off that energy because whatever you say you don't say people that are full of positive energy people just love spending time with them it's so great i just feel good i feel positive everything is potent i just feel great and people that are negative just sucking the positive energy out of the air you just don't want to be with them and therefore it's very very important on a date to think about being a positive person exuding positivity and that's an amazing amazing important thing everybody has to be thinking that many many people when they start out dating have a list of 50 things that they need i have to realize no there's not 50 things you need you need two or three things in character maybe a few things in personality and again if you have a big list you have a lot of people that want to date you go for it try to find as many things on your list as you get older as it gets harder whatever your situation is not everybody has big lists of people knocking on the door and then you have to start saying one thing what's important what's really important and what's not really important that's very very very key some people have lists and this and that and what do i really want out of life and this is a key thing one more important thing i would like to talk about in the business world is the concept of sitting down with a business coach and trying to think right up a bio what's your linkedin bio what do you do what's your business get it down to one sentence just an amazing story that i uh recently saw someone's giving a lecture he said he sat with somebody for hours and hours what is your business what do you do exactly till he got it down to three lines and he said he went to an interview a week later and he speaks to the the ceo in an interview processing the big companies it's a process you go to one to the next to the next he sits down to one of the top guys in the thing and he says tell me about yourself and the guy says three line i am this and i do this and this and this and this and that's what i have i said okay i'm ready to hire you let's just find out the rest of the details but if you know so much about yourself then i think you'll be able to be great for our company and that's very important when a person is thinking about marriage what am i who am i and a great way to think about that is what do i want my kids to be like because many times till we have that first child you know we don't take life as seriously i remember i'm a mohel i did a bris once and someone said can you speak to my brother bill he's having a very hard time in his marriage just look at bill and bill had no nothing to do with judaism at least he didn't look like it but he was jewish and he tells me he married a christian girl and they both made up they're not having anything to do with judaism christianity nothing he said now they have a child seven years old and she wants to send him to he send the girl to a christian school and he can he wants to send a jewish school and the marriage is breaking up i spoke to them a little bit but actually their marriage did end up breaking up i was thinking this guy he doesn't care about judy it doesn't look like he cared about judaism i don't think he did anything in his life about judaism till then when you have a child what do you child does your child want to be what do you want from your child that really shows who you really are and when you're looking at a girl you have to say is this the girl that i want to bring up my children and that's such a powerful question because again you have lists i need this i think i need that is this a girl i trust to bring up my children because that takes all the immaturity out of us again we're all immature deep down and it gets to the maturity level of what do i want from my kids is she someone that can actually bring up my children and that is a very very powerful thing some people have been in shidduchim for such a long time and they say what what what's what's going on i have such a hard time with this i think it's very very important to give you two pieces of physic number one is i spoke to many of my friends who took a long time and i said what happened to that last girl like why how did you figure out that that's the right girl and most of them told me that our last girl it just went smooth i don't know why first date second date and it went smooth so just because every date is complicated doesn't mean it has to be like that don't overthink shidduch don't overthink it i had one of my brothers you say he didn't think about it the whole night going to treat himself out to eat at night after a date just to relax in the morning i'll think about it very very important thing is after you do think about it write down a couple of things that you spoke about because getting back to things that you spoke about is a great way of showing i've been thinking about you you know you spoke to me about your other job and you had a hard time with your boss can you tell me a little bit more about that because you were thinking about us in between dates we think about our relationship you think about me it helps keep the conversation going it takes helps take the conversation to the next level don't overthink it's not helpful very very important is not to think if update didn't go right it didn't or two days or three dates you know one of my friends who took him a long time to get married he told a friend of mine he's and said he's a guy that's a shotgun and he said how's it going he said i had four first dates so far he says you know as long as you look at four first states is fine nothing wrong with that so you keep it moving one more piece a person has to realize that he is growing through every date realize that everybody that i spoke to that's been dating for a while knows this again don't overthink it some people say oh maybe it's my tie my tire's too fleshy maybe they have to go more conservative and the next day the next girl drops he says no maybe i'm too conservative don't overthink it be yourself someone asked me recently no what do i do be yourself you're a great guy you're an awesome guy just be yourself be prepared but be yourself said something amazing he said that it says that 40 days before a person is born a voice goes out in shamayam and it says this person to this person he says sometimes when you start dating that person that's supposed to marry your wife you're not that person yet sometimes it takes months it takes years till you're actually that person and when you become that person that's when you're ready for the shut up i've seen this so many times so again don't overthink it don't overwork it i think it's just great to listen to a shirt about any it's topic it gives you time to think and have to do exactly anything that i've said it gives you time to think a little bit about how to tweak your personality and your system and make it work for questions now yeah so we'll open up now for some questions it's very good questions girls you find girls are playing hard to get any suggestions on that the only thing that's important for you is really to talk to your mentor many times after a date you asked the shotgun what's going on why did you say no why isn't she answering my call or whatever it is and they're being nice to you and they're not telling you the fact and the truth and if you have a mentor and someone you could talk about is there anything i have to work on sometimes there is something you need to work on maybe you are an out of town personality and you want an in-town personality it's just it's just most of the in town type of girls don't want that so that might be the problem find that as anything you need to work on maybe you're looking at the wrong place but a girl that's really playing games with you i mean i don't really see how in the world you would want in the why would you want to taste it for such a girl find out from someone who's objective is there something i need to need to do is just some other direction some other path that they define my shadow but to chase after someone who's playing playing games with you i don't see any reason for my experience to follow through with that okay so the question again is how do i know when we're ready for the next step how do i know when she's ready for the next step and that's a great great question and again sometimes you're just gonna have to go with uh one of the great things of having a a shotgun in between helping you out is that you can ask the shot when you have somebody in private say she ready to go for the next step or she rather keep things a little chilled and a little relaxed does she want a chill date or does she want a serious date and again even if you don't have a shopkin in between it's something you can ask her are you ready should we go a little a little deeper and a little closer or do you want to just keep things as is and that's a very sometimes a shotgun might tell you you know she's not ready but i think i think you should just push it push the envelope a little bit because some people are just very slow on moving things and sometimes that's helpful so every case is different but having someone in between is a great way you can just ask directly you know you want to chill you on a fun date now sometimes you had two serious dates and things are getting very um you know by the time you get to the next date it's just gonna be too much and we're not ready for that so you know how about a fun date right now could be a very very good idea so these are just some ideas of what to do and again sometimes when things are getting too intense she just has to hear one second can this guy chill could he relax is he someone fun that i could be with and sometimes just let's have a chill date let's have a relaxed day let's not we'll make up beforehand we're not getting into anything deep and sometimes you might find that you know you're made up to do that and just because you broke down barriers by having a good time and having a relaxed time so you know something let's let's talk a little bit ashkoff let's talk about how what type of home you would like to have in the future excellent question the question is a very very important question the parents don't approve of the guy is that going to affect the relationship the answer is yes sometimes in a major way and sometimes in a minor way but definitely it will affect most people whether they hold to their parents and they tie it with their parents or even if they're not tied with their parents that parents and siblings opinion of you makes a difference now that doesn't necessarily mean not to go forward with the not at all but it definitely is a factor and many times she says you know i'm not really close with my family i don't really care what they think about you usually it will end up making a difference how much sometimes you can make a bigger difference sometimes we have to realize it is a factor we are influenced by the people around us and even if she moved out of the house and she's on her own and everything else it will make and sometimes it will make an effect in the opposite way she's so against her appearance she is so not like her parents that whatever they think she has to go in the opposite direction that's also an effect and that is also an effect it's an effect so it is definitely a plus when your parents are positive about you positive about your type definitely and again some parents families are closer some families are not as close some people generally view family much closer you know it depends many times in what type of community it is spherum a lot of times safari a much more close unit see them many times in many a much closer unit litvish american are not so close as units so it doesn't really play much of that that much of a factor but by everybody it is a factor it's something to consider don't drop a of because but it's definitely something to consider excellent question the question is a girl that's not on my majesty level again it's a general question religious level and again everything needs a full class but she's asking specifically about a girl that's not on my modesty level but she's hoping to change down the line should i go out with her or not answer the question should i go further with her on that excellent excellent question there's three different factors that i can think of right now that are important to take into consideration number one is i don't know how to say this in a nice way but there are certain people that are just out to attract to be attracting people they don't have modesty a sense of majesty they're in every in every setting they need everybody looking at them at all times that is again a character trait that is very very hard to get rid of it's not just about how long the skirt is and how long that this is and how long that is that's a that's a character trait that's a big flaw and it's very very very hard on a marriage somebody that's like that so that is something to think again sometimes it could be just little little subtle things but is the person really craving attention at all times is she ready to do anything to get attention that's very important the question of religiosity if she's a little bit less than my but she's in a growing mode and i'm also in a growing mode you know let's say i'm i'm a guy i'm in baltimore and i'm working on shabbos and i'm working on learning tomorrow every day but i'm still not doing a b and c and she's working on cde and she's a growing person and she really values the matter she's not ready for it then that might be something very important to consider speak to rav about it but you have to know is she really really looking to grow and again a growth-oriented person it's one of the most important things to look for in any spouse is someone growth oriented because then whatever the problems are you know someone works on themselves consistently they learn terror they speak to a rabbi they have a mentor they always work on themselves they might get there but someone just says yes right now i'm like this but i i plan on changing people don't change that quickly so unless you know the person is a person that is changing and is growing then this is what to consider but somebody that just says it observes yeah just like this but i'm not chomer and i plan on being shaumar you know you have to speak to a rabbi on every situation but it's something to consider and something to really take very good thought about yes the question is at what date is it the right time to start talking about engagement um there are no rules there really are no rules and some people just four dates and they're positive and they're both positive and again there are no rules just because you're ready and she's not ready doesn't mean anything just because she's ready you're not ready also doesn't mean anything it is important to find that this is a person type of person that strings people along i've had a couple of friends who went out 10 12 13 dates and and then it's just not going anywhere and they found out afterwards that she already went at with many people like this and she she just can't say yes so that's important thing to find out from a shock to the point this is a person that's stringing people along and just can't make that conclusion that's something very important to take into consideration but when is the right time really the right time is when you're both ready and there is no right time i've had many friends that it just crept up on them a friend who's on a date 12 o'clock at night and he said i have no idea why i just popped out this is exactly the girl for me and i think she's ready and she said there's no idea just popped out of his mouth 12 o'clock at night nobody's ready the parents didn't know and he just don't try this at home by the way but he said are you will you marry me she said 100 and they have to wake up their parents to make a lakhai so there is no right time it's not a good idea to spring in on a girl um speak to the childhood then if she needs time take the time if you need the time take the time just make sure you have someone you're speaking up with why am i why am i not ready is there a reason for it or just i have a problem making commitments making decisions again a whole class on decision making have so many people come to me they always have a problem making a decision a friend of mine told me i have no idea how my wife said yes to me i mean she can't even make a decision of which pair of shoes to wear in the morning she doesn't know how to make this i have no idea hashem sent her a gift that this yes she said yes so we need that help we needed i think one important thing we can't have a class without talking about the most important thing in shidduchim is davening and diving once and oven again and just keep dominating and don't dive in this girl that girl because you might be dabbing like the prophet zhaim said for the worst thing for you hashem send me the right shadow sent me at the right time give me the energy and the emotional wherewithal to wait if it's going to take a long time give me the happiness let me do the best job but davin and dave and daven because really like we started off with some of the greatest daters it goes i have to remember that you're looking for a mate not a date some people are great maters a great admit great great mate for you but just not a good dater and some are great daters they're fabulous they just keep the conversation going you have a great time and just think after one second i had a great time but is this the girl i want to spend my life with absolutely not and remember stay focused on that when am i ready i'm ready when i'm ready thinking that this is a girl i can build the life that i want together with that i could help her build herself and she could help me build who i want to be okay the question is i went out with a girl and um it fell apart i went out with a bunch of girls in between and then i start going out with her again and right now i'm comparing her to every single girl that i went out with is that a problem isn't an issue so first of all i know a lot of people that went out when they were 19 with a girl fell apart and then again at 25 they went out again and barak hashem happily married and that does not mean they made a mistake when they were 19 not at all it could be when they were 19 they were not for each other when they're 25 they're ready for each other the other part of the question is i keep comparing her to other people that's a problem you can have in every date being busy comparing to this person to that person the other person that's a problem you have to deal with in life if you're busy comparing your wife with everybody else you got to work on that because it's a problem again you have to stay focused on yourself and focus on her and not be busy comparing because you're never going to get a little bit of this one and a little bit of that one there's no such thing you think the girl is too high for you it's an important question shotgun says she's ready you feel the girl is too high for you it's a very very good question and it really has to be discussed with a mentor with a rabbi because you know the gemara actually says go down a level i was just listening to sheriff himself he says go down two levels he says because every person thinks of himself two levels up and thinks they're everyone else two levels down so you got to go down to get to the right level you have to go down a level to find the girl your level but it could be a problematic a girl that's too high for you it could be a problem usually it's not because many times what you think is she's too hard for you uh maybe she has a very great job and you know she's a you know executive and you're a simple guy you have a job you know a blue collar job and she's an executive it could be a problem but many times marriages could thrive in such situations you know i know personally someone whose wife is wow she's a super executive genius and he's a simple guy but a very very very very holy person and that's what they respect they have that relationship based on that she respects him to the moon and and that's a great relationship and they have an unbelievable relationship through that so really has to be discussed on a case-by-case situation very very important on how to finish it off just while we're on that topic i've had a few people come over to me and say you know i'm going out with her everything's great and i haven't dated that many times but yeah i like people so i like her but you know maybe there's another 100 girls out there that i would like how do i know she is the one [Music] i've had this question a few times like you know there's so many girls out there and i like people and she's good she's great everything is everything fits um one exercise that i've done again it's a little bit extreme but it might help to really really find someone that fits i told a friend of mine i said think about your 10 closest friends think about them the guys okay now imagine they were a girl and you had to marry them your 10 closest friends are they really would you are they are they a fit for marriage for you one of them can't stop talking that's just not for you one of those absolutely funny like crazy but we're gonna be able to live with him as a wife uh one of them has a medical issue one of them you know is not a nice person he just he's your friend because he's your friend you grew up together and whatever it is you would never want to marry him you go through there aren't that many people that are really a fit and it's very important to realize that not everybody out there is a fit oh many people have this problem after they get married they say oh there's so many great people out there there aren't and you have to have a little bit of a moon in the talk and trust in hashem that this is the girl for you but just think about it not everybody's feel if a girl fits and she's right then she's the girl for you question is does it say anywhere in the gemara that a couple is allowed to get married even without the permission of their appearance and of course what comes to mind is a girl if she's under age then she needs a permission of appearance but overage she does not need the permission of her parents her parents do not own her and um i guess the most classical example would probably be arifka rebecca and they asked it's nice to ask it's smart to ask it's the best thing to whatever you can to get the permission from your parents it's so important and again it's so crucial it's so helpful to have the permission and the consent of the parents but if they don't agree for the wrong reasons they have no ownership of their child their children and you know if you are destined and you speak to the right people and you're meant for each other it's a tremendous tragedy when parents try to mix in and and and kill the shadow and i've seen it happen and it's it's such devastating effects you see oh we we know the girl better and it could sometimes the girl the parents do know the girl better and she's making immature decisions so again you need an outside rabbi or somebody a mentor a dating coach to help you along with that decision it does not say anywhere as far as i know in the gemara that you have to listen to your parents when it comes to shidduchim an excellent question your appearance her appearance are colleagues in business sometimes can happen their next-door neighbors or something like that they're very tied up together and is it a good idea for a shidduch is it a problem for a shedduck um again if you're assuming your is going to run into problems it's going to make things much more messy but many times if your appearance are in you know business partners let's say with the example given with somebody else you probably know that family very very well and that's a family that the character the midot are beautiful and you know it through and through that could be a great excellent you know a family that you know is better than the family you don't know important though is not to be too when you get married not to be too intertwined you know a lot of times it's not healthy to be in the business with family many times again every case is different many times that's not healthy living too close to your appearance many many rabbis who deal with unfortunately with divorce and complications say don't live too close to your parents to her parents living on top of each other seeing everything that's going on in a couple's marriage is not is highly is very not recommended so just because the families know each other well now just because the families we know each other and we both have a lot of money that's not a good reason to do a shadow that might make problems but if we know the family well through business and again through business many times you really get to learn the people's character what kind of character these people have and if you see in business they have great character when they're losing money when they have to give money when they have to give in to somebody else that they have that character that might be a great but again once you're married it's usually not recommended to be too involved in family to cover the family because they're looking and they're seeing and they're judging and you know when every time you have a little spat they remember it and they think these guys are having problems and they're trying to get involved so always usually the rule of thumb is not to live too close to your parents again within uh driving distance maybe within walking distance but not too close it's not good for them to be breathing down your back especially the beginning of marriage wow so great questions tonight one if they're another thank you very much for being sending in these questions amazing questions question was what happens if you like a girl you really like her and you're happy with her and everything is going great but you're thinking something about the girl is not socially acceptable among your peers among your friends maybe among your family maybe ashkenaz is fired maybe the looks that she has maybe her job and how do you deal with that that's a very very good question and number one is you really have to know yourself if you're a person and you really have to be truthful to yourself if you're a person that you live for your friends and what everyone's saying about you you're probably you're very humble well might not be ready to get married to this girl at least in this setting you know if you're moving to a different setting you won't be being judged by your friends and family maybe but if you can't get past that that might be a problem because you're always judging what are my friends thinking and you're that kind of person and you don't see yourself ever getting out of that that could be a big problem however on the other hand many people you know i love her and i really think she's great he's exactly what i need my friends are shallow you know they're still my friends but i think they're very shallow and they're only looking for this kind of look and this kind of dress or this kind of family and you know it might hurt me once or twice they might give me comments once or twice but i'm above that and i'll work on being above that and definitely no reason to turn that and shut up because of that again but you have to speak to someone again a rabbi a mentor a rabbitson someone who can help you out with that making that decision but it's something you really have to work on that you know people aren't what they look like you know a friend of mine i just heard a relative of mine talking to uh another relative might say i saw you going out with a girl awesome looks unbelievable so no you're going ahead with it it's like you know how long can i look at her for already you know i might enjoy looking at her but i can't marry her like that's someone i want to be with and many times those roots you know that kind of girl that's all over the place and you know that looks and that family and whatever it is it's a 30 second decision in 30 seconds oh you did a off with that family oh that girl whoa that last and happiness lasts for about you know a couple of seconds maybe you can string it along for six months how happy you are that you're married into this again you're talking about externals that your friends don't accept or externals for most people if you could get by it and you help many of us need help you know we are influenced by our society by our friends but [Music] work through it as long as you know you can work through it you have to speak to someone who knows you well you can work through this i think you can work through this and many many times people find greater happiness someone comes from a big big you know wealthy family or prominent family all these guys the most you know handsome looking guy and he's dashing guy and everyone's looking at him and he's he's all about a show and he really is you know i want to go home no show i want to go home to our wife who's just comfortable with i want a wife who builds a home people my time it's just everything's about a show i need someone just i could live with i could relax with i could just be myself and sometimes that's exactly what you need that's exact recipe for what you need thank you very very much everyone for listening anybody that wants more questions more specific topics please reach out to the rebbitsons and thank the rebels for hosting us tonight really fantastic questions i hope we were helpful and again future classes really depends on what you want to hear so please reach out to us and let us know what topics you want to hear about so we can keep helping you and again hashem should help everybody get the right sugar get it quickly and it's going to take a few extra days hashem help us be able to wait and be happy becoming the person we want to become [Music] as soon as possible and lead that life and build that life we all know we can do thank you very much for listening