Oorah Rebbetzins Program Q&A Presented by Shidduch Roundtable

hi everybody thank you for joining us I'm Oreo Carla from the Robinsons Network and I'm here together with Robinson razel Sarah Broski and Rabbi lady Messiah we want to thank SRT for shut up round table for having us here giving us this opportunity to share with you and answer some questions and hopefully provide some clarity to the shut-off process for those of you who may not know let me just tell you quickly Who We Are at the Robinsons it was originally created for Bali chuva and as we know the shootout process is so so difficult even for people who have so many connections you can imagine how it is for people who don't have those connections and therefore it was a very important addition to Ura that we that they opened up that department to help the balachuva in their uh their uh quest to find a wife or a husband and Barack Hussein today we're servicing the mainstream ffb crowd as we have as well as well and we have over 1400 members and Barbara Hashem thank you so much for all the amazing volunteers that we have over 100 volunteers that are cutting and coaches and mentors and they help out with you know whether it's reading the shutoff or or or helping with Place places to go and where to go and how to go and coaching them through the whole process and of course in regular Hoover style everything is free of charge very important for you to remember that I would like for it to introduce you first of all to Robinson razel singapowski she is the director of the program for over 10 years and she is really the heart and brain of everything that goes on at Robinson's whether it's the mentoring whether it's the referrals whether it's the meeting singles whether it's the coaching talking to parents talking to she is really like the heart of the whole entire thing and um when she meets singles she will remember everything that you ever told her so that is a good thing to remember and besides for doing all of these things and arranging events and arranging all kind of shopping meets etc etc she also uh writes for the Yates shut up Forum every week and answers questions over there so we're very happy that she's able to join in this round table to answer some questions and um one very important thing that I don't want to miss out is that Robinson sarbaski married off all our kids borrow Hashem and as we all know experience isn't the best teacher so I am she's my inspiration I am so happy to be able to be working with her now since I joined as assistant director and it is a pleasure to be with her and I really consider her my very close friend well thank you I'm blushing if in case you can't see but I'm really blushing here um it's really an honor and a privilege for me to be involved with the Robinsons Network I work with amazing people all the way from the top um it's it's it's incredible the work that the Robinsons network is able to accomplish and borrow question that is probably due to all the wonderful volunteers that we have the amazing team that we have and um I just I I enjoy what I do it's it's a pleasure we just actually came back from Passaic from of art um just about an hour ago it gave us a lot of najas this girl had been in the program for about 10 years I didn't want to say it she was the one that said it and um it was such an office to be part of a simha of someone that was searching for a very long time and I I really hope that we can be helpful tonight in answering some of your questions and um I I don't know if anybody wants to hear what I have to offer in terms of the best advice but the best advice that I can offer in terms of dating is that before you start dating others date yourself get to know yourself that is the biggest gift that you can do to help yourself in in getting to the Hoopa you have to know your values you have to know your goals you have to know your personality you have to know what you need not necessarily what you want um what things have contributed to make you the person you are today what are your strengths what do you still have to work on and what kind of a person could help you get there um so I I really believe and I think it's some of these questions are going to come back to this same this same issue in getting to know yourself I think that could probably solve a lot of questions and answer a lot of questions that people may have thank you very much Mrs sarabski or reason she does not like to be called Robertson so I'll try to do this stuff it makes me think of my mother or my mother-in-law but anyways bias Robinsons is actually a cool thing you see necessarily The Stereotype of what everybody thinks it is represents in Aura Robinsons is cool can I get up and show them to that one I want to get up and show them the back see that yes okay um okay now moving on I would like to introduce you to Rabbi lady moshaya who joined the red sins as co-director about two years ago and fun fact about him she speaks at least three languages and understands at least five now maybe I'm a little bit off by the numbers but he's definitely an open-minded person I would say um besides for meeting and keeping in touch with singles all the time and planning events and and just getting like just things done for the singles he also has a very good Flair for style for Hashem so he makes sure that our Flyers are perfect and that our marketing materials are good and partnership like that gives us I guess a good representation out there in the world okay so thank you so much for the introduction um I I guess to you know what I what I wanted to share um you know for this for this forum is you know we're going to be talking about a lot of different advice and different ideas of of that we can Implement in our in our own life um but I think it's important to to say that you know it's important that each person should have a REV and Mentor um and somebody that they really speak to that guides them through through because you know a lot of times you go to to listen to this like really good speaker and really good dating coach and you say you know what this is the person that I'm going to ask my question to and you go over to them and and they see you for you know for about a minute and a half and you're presenting your question there's no way for that question for the answer that they're giving you to be able to to really fit you know the whole picture that that you have you aren't able to to give over really all the Dynamics of everything that that you know the question presents and therefore it's really unfair uh for them to be able to give you personalized advice uh they can give you general advice but something that will be able to guide you as as to what should be your next step um is something that will be challenging for them to do and I think it's really unfair to put them in that position therefore is very important for each person to have a rough a Robinson like I said of them or a mentor uh that they that they speak to and is guiding them through this process and therefore you know in the repetence because we understand this great need um we put um you know we're committed to provide all of our members um that are requesting such help uh we are committed to provide them with mentors uh which are you know usually uh you know mothers represents that have married off their own children and have experience in the you know have experience in going through the the should have seen and it's something that it's a must and is important for every single person to have so I just wanted to put this out there you know we're going to be giving general advice and you know if you have a specific question you should reach out to your rabbits and a rabbi or reach out to us after after this forum okay okay thank you um now we a lot of you send in questions for us to answer and we have them here we're going to try to get as many of them as we can and hopefully we'll be able to still take some live questions um towards the end of the program so appraisal yeah yeah please okay good this is a question that came in from somebody in the insular environment we were raised how do we know when we're attracted to someone specifically or just that we're attracted to be in a relationship with a guy or a girl right yes say it again how does she know that she's just excited about it because now is where she's having a chance to be together with a guy when our hobie's Apple Bloom she wasn't against right or if she actually likes him specifically and there's some value in this relationship that she should pursue well you're not gonna know until you try so I think that she has to ask herself again know yourself if you have if you have answers to yourself like what am I all about and does this guy meet all my needs I think that you can kind of separate is this just that I'm excited to be with a guy or I'm dating because of marriage purposes and I want to investigate this okay because it's acceptable to go to a dating event or a singles chill if you're going on a third date with somebody okay so I guess this is a question that comes up a lot because they're really a lot of events that are out there and and you know for the for the typical you know extrovert um it's it's like a social it's like a social scene it's enjoyable it's like a place to meet people and network with people um I feel like sometimes you know singles almost like enjoy these like sometimes you know uh guys are you know guys would come um after after an event and say wow like it was such a good event that like I really want to come back next time so so sometimes people get carried away with with uh with going to events um so I think our general policy is that if you have uh you know been at on one or two dates and you're kind of like not sure where this relationship is going um and you're still like exploring um you know whether whether you are enjoying spending this you know spending time with this person or not um then the recommendation is that if it's an event uh that could give you a lot of resources you can still go but once you have it ready a third date schedule and and this looks like it's something that might work out it's better to stay focused and really try to try to make this work yes I meet the guy that they're dating when they go to that event what's going to happen then so the question just is do they want to be upfront and discuss with the chaplain there's this event coming up can we make up between ourselves that we will go you know with with the thought that we may not find anybody and that we're happy with what where we're at um they could make that up I think it's awkward but it's okay it could definitely be awkward but we would have different opinions right because there's a lot of people out there and for different people there's different answers that are appropriate okay then you do know like you don't know the um circumstances and specifics of each person like like you said you have to ask ashyla and and get the answer that's appropriate for you okay based on today's status what if somebody's parents did not do enough research before the warrior girl goes out on a date and then after a few dates something comes up that's bothersome are they allowed to make more calls to find out more information about that person oh it's okay there's nothing wrong with it as information comes up and you have a question there's no reason why you can't do further research you know you're not it's not a dumb deal until it's a done deal and if other information comes up through the dating process that that brings question marks definitely definitely definitely look into it don't be shy no absolutely not okay at which point does reference calling become too excessive I have a story of where somebody did absolutely no research absolutely not I had invited a guy to come to my house for Shabbos and on his way he was traveling from uh North Jersey to Lakewood and on his way I had this amazing idea and the girl lived in Lakewood and I called up the girl's parents and I said I have an amazing guy that's coming to me for Shabbos could I set your daughter up with this guy from outside and I guess they trusted me and they said okay what's one date the boy came to my house he knocked on my door and I said to him let's say his name was my sheep Moishy do you trust me and he looked at me and he said I guess so I guess I trust you I think I think he probably thought that I wasn't going to let him into the house for Shabbos if he wasn't going to answer yes I said you have a date massage you can come in anyway we even set him up with a tie and whatever okay or her son I think it's almost three years later two kids so that's that I mean of course they did research afterwards but I mean it it it happened without any research so anything is possible is the driver I was just gonna say also that a little bit this ties into again what you're saying about knowing yourself that when you're doing that information um like a lot of times people come and ask us do you give us a can you give a list of questions that we should ask when we're trying to do research on somebody you know what what your information is that you need to know is not the same as the information that I need to know or that you need to know or that someone else needs to know so it's not really like that it's not like you know reference calls I just keep asking everything but you have to know like you said let's know yourself I know for me it would be a big big problem if the girl uh is not organized I I can't live like that for me that's a big problem so you have to find that out now for somebody else that's really not an issue so obviously you don't keep on doing reference calls to cover every single question that anybody might ask right but also I want to mention that when is when is too many reference calls too much yeah the answer might be that if you unless you make four phone calls and the information is consistent how many more phone calls do you have to make like ridiculous right okay good point uh next question is where you want to raise your kids a reason to stop dating or could that be figure it out later so I I think that if you know if the place where they want to live or the place where they want to send their kids is really a deal breaker for them it's not something they're willing to compromise on uh so then I think it's it's really something that that should be you know you know discussed with a rough and really seeing if they could come to to some sort of an agreement or whether this is something that they'll kind of [Music] um agreed to disagree or if it's so important they should really do that in their reference checking right right okay you hear that the person you were read a certain guy or a girl and they have a broken engagement like is that something that you need to pay attention to I think that you just have to do maybe just a little bit of extra research and and just you know I wouldn't call it a red flag I would just say that you just have to just see whether whether you can get to the bottom of it okay we dated five times on paper everything is good but I don't have any feelings should I continue today [Music] I think I personally I think that you can try a little bit more but if really it depends how many dates five times have they tried all different kinds of venues because sometimes people will come back from a uh an exciting date a fun day and they'll say wow like it was a game changer so I I think there's a lot of variables that that need to be considered like I say I can't give a flat answer here it really depends on a lot of different variables I mean in my opinion okay okay we'll take another another one from the crowd um how does a person well there's a guy or a girl know that they're ready to start what is there a sign is there something that they have to to know about themselves or like you know how how do they know they read it so basically we would go back to what you have said from the beginning if you are mature and you're of age and you are independent and you're ready to move on with the shuttle process think about who you are what's important to you what your strong points are and what you think you really really need and if you're up to that and you made that uh you thought yourself out then sure why not um but to think about also what the responsibilities of marriage are of course are are you up to that are you ready to take that on like some girls just want to get married like it's they've been dreaming of a wedding girl like for a decade so like whatever she's like 19 that probably yeah why is there this Min hug that the guys have to meet the girls parents but the girls parents don't meet the guy honestly I don't think it's a mid hug I think it's just like you're going to pick up a girl I was just gonna say you're going to pick up the girl from her house you know by the way her parents live there so uh you know you're just gonna knock on the door and yeah who's gonna answer the door either her mother or her father and they'll pull you into the dining room where there's a plate of uh nuts and chocolates that nobody's touching and uh yeah that's the way it goes I actually look at it that the guy should be so happy he's getting to be her parents like she doesn't get the meetings better than like she doesn't see the whole picture I actually had um one in one instance where uh one of my boys was dating somebody and he was describing her and then he said to me like oh I wish you could just meet her I said okay I'll meet her bring it to the house and we'll meet her and she just has to understand through the shots and that this is not indicative of anything so but I just knew then after I met her I knew what he was talking about no he did not marry her okay if I understand the question correctly I think I think her question is is it okay for for her as a girl to initiate this like this is something that is usually reserved for guys to initiate like the guys asking the girl for her number like if if she's seeing potential of this relationship could she initiate to ask for them for the for the guy's number oh wait a minute isn't that usually dumb through the shot like the shotgun is involved in that process telling the boy it's okay she's okay if you ask for her phone number right it's not it's not something that you throw at someone they they kind of have to people to take that place you know like when she gets married and she knows what marriage is about I think she should uh realize that that's her husband's job yeah I agree with I think I think it's it's the guy's rule to initiate such a gesture and like like you know really sincerevski said I think it's something that should be I think clarified with the shotgun like I'm planning to ask her you know for her number do you think do you think is it okay you know is it okay so she shouldn't be quote off guard uh but regardless even if she is ready and he's ready I think it's the responsibility of the guy to initiate that request I can't agree okay yeah let's take a question from the um um I guess regardless if it's a girl or a boy if I'm about juva do I have to marry another balcuba or is it okay for me to marry or is it okay for me to ask to marry uh from from birth uh girl or a guy okay so I'm very happy to answer that question that came up at the Renaissance retreat in May and after Rabbi and um absolutely you are if you're a balchuva and if you are understanding the culture and you could get along with a ffb girl which a lot of horrible chuvas are a boy around with a lot of our balchuva members are very integrated and really get it of course you can be set up with a ffb girl or boy not a problem um sometimes though like and uh about you will get upset that a certain particular girl doesn't want to go out with him or her because he's about you and that I think is people have to understand that it's just the same as anything else in life if uh some you know girl says I don't want to go out with a guy that has a smartphone so then she has to accept that that he doesn't want to go out and she doesn't want to go out with him because he has a smartphone you can't I think it's kind of in the same category that people have a right to their preferences and don't get upset or sensitive if someone says no to you because of that but um as far as do marriages happen and do SSB and married about two of us 100 100 and not even just from today from years years before years ago yes is it okay to pull out your phone on a date and check the time yeah what do you think I think you should be wearing a watch no but also yeah but is it is it okay like it might be a little awkward also like to look like to look at the time while you're on a date would that make the girl feel like like maybe he wants to finish like maybe he's bored he's like is that an indication of of like of anything or it shouldn't you shouldn't interpret this to mean anything yeah I don't know that you have to interpret it to mean anything because I know that um one of my daughters had gone up with a guy and he was looking at his watch and and later on I mean he ended up being her husband but later on she found out he just he just wanted to know how late it was because he didn't realize he said wow the time passed so quickly so he was just looking at his watch just like I asked you just now what time it is because we're trying to Pace ourselves yeah it's not insulting okay so yeah so if he's looking at his watch every five minutes that could be an issue probably but and as we were talking about phones phones should be off or on airplane mode during the dates no taking texts no taking phone calls um that's very very important I think it's like a given but unfortunately it seems like a lot of people are still um you know still come you know this issue keeps them coming up okay can we just take a break I just want to ask yeah should girls be carrying cell phones on dates what do you think they should have a cell phone with them sure they should have a cell phone for sure yeah okay because of the days before pockets and dresses where would they put a phone but uh okay I mean a purse um let's ask you a question now make it a little bit more interesting maybe um everybody who anybody who's willing to just quickly put in an answer how would you measure we want your feedback we need this private message yeah everybody should private message um yeah yeah okay how would you measure a shot plan's credibility how do you measure how do you measure a Craftsman's credibility this is for us to learn something about you okay [Music] yeah so first response is experience experience if I know that they have been in this for long enough I you know they have credibility in my eyes Okay um by honesty reveal revealing info okay um personal experience if my friends if my friends vouch for them and say good things and they know they meet then I feel comfortable working with them oh that's an interesting one enemy divorces resulted from theirselves [Laughter] that chocolate [Laughter] I have to say something here you know I could have sparkle picks the Shalia who is going to make and you're dealing with adults supposedly they make um choices in life and if for whatever reason it doesn't work out that's also Minaj and that also is from so nobody can point a finger really I mean once you introduce them if you had an agenda and you pushed them and they didn't want it I mean it's still in the National mind but it's it could be like you could say she's a very pushy Shopkin to be careful yeah yeah but um so they are very excited about the student Round Table discussion and they also want to ask questions but uh we're not taking questions from them as of yet okay so um I think um what was the question to the guys and the girls that are that ask all the time like oh if you make a suggestion to us does that mean that now you're you know you're vouching for them or whatever so you know I I always try to tell them when a shock them uh res you should have of course they based on their understanding of the half hour interview whatever it is that they had with that particular person they think this might be a good idea but at the end of the day it's up to you it's your responsibility to do the research and and to really find out whether this is a suitable candidate for you can't come back you know six months later and say like is there a return policy yes but again comes back to my message knowing yourself know what you need not necessarily what you want again know your values know your personality know know what your strengths are know what you're deficient no know what type of person will will help you become the best person you can be okay so we have another one an interesting one he said if the shotgun asks me targeted questions I feel like she has credibility okay um if she gets to know me personally and if she's able to listen to me without judging me okay okay thank you thank you everybody that is our specialty non-judgmental yeah that's it exactly we have another important question that somebody wrote in that seemed to be very perturbed by and that is he wants to know why when I'm learning in Shiva for a half a day and working half a day maybe I'm okay to go out with a girl and suddenly because I'm learning only night sator and I'm working all day all of a sudden now I'm not good enough I'm just as good as those guys that are learning half a day I'm very focused on my learning I'm very connected to learning like why is that a problem and why do you think that like do you think it's fair that girls are saying no to me and saying like always on YouTube I think there's definitely there's definitely a what do you call it plus or whatever there's you know there isn't there is something called you know being in the Yeshiva environment you know like you you know it's it's hard to compare you know it's much more challenging to be like connected super connected to Hashem and with all its you know with all its colors you know while you are sitting in an office and working with clients as it is to be sitting in base mattress in front of the camera so I I think of course you know the person that is you know working in the workforce and he's doing it you know honestly is is tremendous um but I think it it's very different than a person that is sitting in base magician learning so if a girl wants a guy that has that Yeshiva you know you know not experience I think like Yeshiva surrounded she wants him to be she wants him to be connected with with the kaburra she wants him to be connected with a rough with a mashed with other guys that are learning and that's the that's the that's that's the atmosphere that she wants him to be around so I think it's very fair for her to to have that request uh if she if she just wants like a solid good guy that is that learning is very very important for him then you know I think the other option is is is really great okay I have a question for you everybody whatever comes to mind quickly two words to describe somebody that's really close to you two descriptive words about somebody that you are very close to please PM them okay that's that was quicker okay so kind of hard at an understanding loyal and trustworthy real honest um caring and sensitive see who else is that it do we have time to leave for a few more uh we'll wait another 30 seconds okay while we're waiting for the rest of the people to put in their answers about a description of somebody that posted them um I just want to thank everybody for joining us and I hope this discussion was helpful and maybe having some clarity and maybe answering some questions you could always uh Joy Robinsons And you can always take advantage of our resources and we'll be happy to help you wherever inside of you up whether getting you uh coaching whether answering any other questions come out to events who doesn't want to come to an event especially if it's free right yeah if it's free do you want to put the link on the page and you can just join very easily and location and easy going that was the last thing okay so now this is Carla can you please tell us about this study look at all these answers that came in well there was a study that was made and she's going to tell you about that so basically I just I'm not really telling you about it and I'm not going to make any more speeches I just want you to uh some with it pay attention pay attention to note that all of those people that did answer the question about describing someone that's close to them nobody mentioned anything about looks um it was all characters something that you could Ponder something that really is going to help you to know yourself sometimes you know yourself better when you're not being asked a direct question like what's important to you but rather like in a roundabout way like I just did so now you know at least the people that answered that those are what's really important to you so that's that those are the things that you notice those are things that make a difference to you so I just left that as an exercise you could try it out on your friends and um really happy that you joined us and please keep in mind the revitson's Mantra of I take the time to get to know myself and my own needs