If you could tell them one thing... | The Shadchan Shmooze - Episode 7

if it was one central message that you could share with the singles what would that be i think somebody mentioned having an open mind um as just being so so important and remembering that you're not looking for yourself sometimes the character traits that i hear people say or the things that i i see people are looking for i often ask them like are you looking for you because you're not you're not intended to marry someone just like you so being open-minded about looking for someone different than yourself okay so maybe this is jumping the gun a little bit either right before you would get engaged or before you get married i do think it's important that everyone goes to like a marriage counselor like that's kind of like overshadowed when people aren't thinking about this or that but you've only dated for a short period of time um we're still getting to know each other i think it's good to have someone a third party that you already feel comfortable to talk to you so that if things do pop up later in marriage you do have someone to go back to um to turn to us for that third party you know different open eyes different lens and if you don't need them that's great and you're off to a great start but i think a lot of people that first year shannon rashona um they definitely can use a little bit more support even if every just once in a while you know the dirty laundry or during dishes or whatever it may and may or may not be one thing i have told a lot of singles which is something that is somewhat unique to our circumstance and i found it extremely helpful um is that you know when we were dating we each had a mentor someone who knew us really really well who we spoke to um you know after pretty much every date but not only that the our mentors spoke to each other and formed a relationship together so even though they previously did not know each other from before we were dating because we were speaking openly to our mentors and our mentors were speaking openly to each other it really created this dialogue where if there were problems or concerns we were able to address them and see us as really big deals it's not a big deal whereas each party holding in a way that was really open and healthy um and i highly recommend that because having just left a one-shot fund there's a negotiation between two parties versus here it's like having two lawyers who are like advocating for each one um which i think i think is just very very very helpful i definitely agree with the rose and blooms um you know very important for everyone to have a mentor the boys should definitely have a roof someone that they're really close to because a lot of them you know you need direction you know you don't know what you're doing um i also want to say that the singles should not be afraid to reach out um could be once a month i wouldn't recommend once a week uh once a month once every two months kind of a lot of them do semi-text you know and i personally appreciate it because sometimes i'm like oh yeah oh i forgot you know like you know even though i have my list and i go through it but you know it highlights a person don't be afraid you know send it out you know i'm not gonna bite i'm not you know usually i send back i mean i always write back i always write back thanks for the reminder you know hope you're doing well and that's everything just a little text i wouldn't recommend a phone call because that's like too too much but just a text um and i always recommend to try to give a second date person could not really people are not the same a first date you're nervous all different kinds of situations gotta give a second date i would say that it's a great idea to remember that when you're dating someone you're trying to establish a friendship that will last you a lifetime so it's good to approach dating as though you're really just trying to see if you can be friends with this person and try to remove a little bit of the anxiety that comes along with it if you kind of see it through that lens i think you're able to approach a relationship in a healthier way and i like to tell my singles um you know you've been out on one date would you like to invite this person this is something that russell goldbaum talks about would you invite this person back to your shabbos table that's the way you kind of have to get it would you like to have this person back in your shop at table that's the mindset you have to have and if you're able to think that way uh you know then a lot of people say you know something i i would i could give that another shot um instead of being frozen in this frame like but i don't know if i can marry them okay we're not asking you to marry them right now we're just asking you to decide if you think you could maybe develop this friendship a bit further so i think that's a big deal i think just being open-minded and just like just jumping in like you never know where things are going to take you keep saying no no no no and if you just give something a chance and just get to know the person i think that could open windows for you um you never know you really never know like obviously if it's like a total off off this guy is coming from who knows where the girls coming from who knows where um but if it's like something like very minute that's different or i don't just give it a chance that's final message give it a chance that's it okay i would say to stay strong stay soft and to stay positive i would say stay strong be strong amiritz hashem it will happen you know emunah davening tequila be strong immersive it will happen um i think everyone needs to like you know get closer once in a while reach out for physical chats with the people who give you what you need and um give you the support that you need so you deserve to be um you definitely deserve to have that physique whenever you need it i would say stay soft make sure when you go out you're gentle you're soft you're not hardened up from all the dating and all the people and all the burnt relationships and all the things that didn't work out go in softer so softer ready open just good medos just being polite and having a nice time with somebody and getting to know them again like um the other show kind of were saying we're not asking you to marry them i think shashana was saying we're not asking you to marry the person right now we're just asking you to meet them get along with them see if you want them to be your friend stay soft when you date and stay positive because the person on the other side everyone enjoys a positive person everyone enjoys an optimist everyone enjoys a good date everyone enjoys a nice time with a pleasant person um and on top of that you never know the other person might not be uh your zipper but they might be your shopkin at the end of the day so keep it positive stay strong stay soft and stay positive final message well i i know a lot of choconum ask people what are you looking for and then people rattle off like a list i'm looking for this he should be this or that and i i prefer to ask people what's important to them and let them discuss what's important and try and visualize what you want your life to look like is this someone who can build the type of house and home that you want to build it's not necessarily what school he went to or what school she went to or what you know it's more what middles are important to you what characteristics are important to you and what's going to be important to you in the future and kind of looking at that as opposed to having like a list and checking off a list of you know he has to meet all these criteria she has to meet all these criteria you know just focus on the things that are make a list of what's important to you and look for those things okay great point though that actually reminds me of a story when you know where you mentioned that um you know to look you know what your future what you want your house to look like somebody asked her if palm he said how do i supposed to know who i'm supposed to marry like how do i make that decision how do i know sir palm said you know there was a man that was standing at a train station he was looking at the map at the wall and he's like looking at all the different trains coming and going and he turns to the person next to him and he asks the person excuse me sir how do i know which train i should take so the guy responds to him he says you take the one that's headed in the direction that you need to go and our palm tells this person want to know how you know who to marry you find the one that's headed in the direction that you want to go i think that people many times singles feel very insulted by some of the suggestions that they're given and i really feel that they should only know that people are trying to be helpful and i don't think that they should um think the worst of people i think that they should try maybe to explain maybe a little bit better make it a little bit clearer what they're looking for rather than to just be insulted and turn their backs and ignore and etc so they should just be aware that people really really are trying to help we are working hard and that we are the schleocks and that hashem is hashem's in charge and we have to really be empathetic and appreciate how difficult it can be for for them i think that that's a message that we can give over through how we talk to them and how we you know how we respond so it's painful yeah it can be it can be painful i'm going to jump on what i just said that being respectful to the singles is our job i'm not giving anybody muscle i'm just saying um and i'm gonna reiterate what i said because i find it so important people need to really just take care of your things take care of any trauma that you're going through even if it's dating dating is a trauma um just do your own thing and again be happy feel fulfilled be happy be wrong person have friends have a social life dating is great but it's not an end all because people let me get into a profession are not happy it's frustrating so i would love if the symbols were a little bit more open-minded in that um to go out just for that one hour the initial first date with a mindset of could i get along with him not is he marriage minded not as does he have abcdefg on my list just go out have fun one hour just and and just give one single that chance without saying no so quickly to the picture to the height to the hair like you said just give just go out and give people chances just remember that it only takes one and when that right one comes along things usually will fall into place quite well maybe not perfectly but you're really just looking for that one diamond and sometimes you have to sift through a lot of junk to get to that diamond and find that right diamond the real diamond and while you're waiting and looking through to find that real diamond enjoy your time try to grow in whatever way you can try to build your life up you don't know how long it's going to take but we all know that before we were born hashem had called out a name for us and he is out there or she is out there and you're going to find them and just whatever encouragement we can try to give you but just remember he or she is out there for you it's just a matter of finding them and being open-minded and not missing them because we were being silly about something smaller or something that really doesn't make much of a difference um so i really loved that video that mrs sarabrowski posted on the chat last week and i think that if all of us keep in mind that hashem is in charge and he's arranging it and we're just playing the game then hopefully that will help things out i think that we have to i think um we all but especially singles need to realize that what i think sometimes singles think they know what's best for them but they often don't we have to realize a particular day did not work out or a particular relationship did not work out hashem clearly did not feel was the in the best interest of that couple to obviously get married and i think the other thing it's important to remember is we need to singles really have to start avoid making laundry lists of all these things that they want in a in a in up in a spouse because often it's very unrealistic um i had literally a girl in her late 30s i believe in her 37 that sent me her profile and she literally i think took every adjective pretty much possible in the thesaurus and said these are what i'm looking for clearly nobody matches those descriptions i mean literally one patient somebody kind somebody good looking somebody this or that this is ridiculous and when you do that you'll never find someone so i think we need to narrow down that laundry list and really focus on what's important and we really have to sometimes give people a chance like it you know i really believe that generally speaking people should go out in at least two or three dates unless the date is disastrous i really think some people just need time to open up and if we right away cancel them out oh they were too quiet oh they were this they were that sometimes people i think blow their be shared because they were too quick to judge i have so much to say but i'll just say one thing i'll say it all [Laughter] one thing that i'm not we touched on it maybe a little bit but what i tell singles is that all comes up when you get married so work it out before you start dating and definitely work it out if you notice things as you're dating if people point things out to you when they don't understand what i'm saying i'll tell them specifically well your parents are divorced that's a pretty big trauma for most people you should make sure you've discussed that with a professional and have worked out your internal world so i'm unfortunately dealing with a lot of bolshevik divorces right now and um i'm suffering trauma from it it's really painful and terrible and a lot of it has to do with not even thinking about what they're doing when they got married literally not thinking and then getting sort of stuck with somebody who was really not a good fit and that that's what i think is you should work it out um there was one note i wrote let's just see i think when people call me i get a lot of calls once you make a up and then once you've made a number of them people you get calls from all over the world i get all the time people say i got your number from so-and-so i had never heard of that so and so i have no idea who that person is never heard of them never been to that city in my life so i tell so they asked me are you shocked and i say you know i'm a mommy trying to do a mitzvah that's how i always present myself and i said and i try and i'll be happy to set you up i have i have a barometer an internal barometer where and i can't teach it to you but you can maybe tune into it yourself i can tell when someone really wants to get married i can feel it in the conversation even on the phone i can feel it in the way they write i can and for sure if i'm in their presence and with such a sincere person i make extra efforts to try to help them get married you know it's it's just the way and even if if this is just a simple karsatov you know when when you read someone's profile and they say thank you so much for taking the time to read this you know it's little things like that we taught our kids i like to try to get to know each of the singles that i deal with um as best as i can on surface a lot of the people seem like they are have similar characteristics and are looking for similar things but once you get to know people directly you find that each person is made up of many different threads and makes them unique from the next person and i find that that's one of the things that i try to do when i try to get to know people and um and that helps a lot for example um i recently met a young man and he tried i i he said no to a up that i had suggested and oftentimes one of the things that is a little bit frustrating is um people just say oh it's not no gay it's not nogaya and they don't tell you why but this particular person when i tried to ask him he said to me i'm looking for somebody that's warm that's loving that this other person that you suggested was like too aloof and too you know too um not warm and loving and once he started to explain to me what he was looking for it became a lot easier for me to make suggestions for him because i really tried to understand him and understand what he needed and i think that um that's really uh a very big key for me i would like them to think before we speak and as i take it very seriously when someone speaks to me about what he or she is looking for i really think about that a lot so i would like them to think ahead of time in terms of how and what to express so that i can in turn be more helpful to them and to be candid now i understand somebody wants to be discreet and if they don't know me initially they're going to be uncomfortable sharing certain things but i'm really advocating for both parties when i'm working in a if it's not that i want this to work i only want it to work if it makes sense to work and sometimes you know when you were talking about dissuading before i've been involved where i've read a up and it's been my own idea and then through the process i realized it's not such a great idea after all because the people the the singles are just not really on the same page whether it's emotionally whether it's graphically whatever it is and i don't push it to like let's just continue i really ask them questions for them to realize that maybe this is not where you know this is not the right thing so the for them to be thoughtful about expressing what is important to them so i can be of better service the message that i would like to send is that the qualities that make someone a good date so to speak are not necessarily the same qualities that make someone a good spouse so we want to be on a date with someone exciting and and out there and fun and and showing us a good time um but but the things that we really need or should be looking for in the spouse are very different from that they are you know dependability uh groundedness um kindness caring um so you know i i feel like it's our job and and that the singles should always be encouraged to to come back to the things that really matter don't don't get pulled in the directions whether it's because you're having such a good time on the day that you don't excuse me that you don't focus on these other qualities or because the person has these other qualities and you're looking for flashier things but keep coming back to the things that will make the person a good partner in your life okay thank you so much guys actually just remind you too you know a few of the things that you said just two quick lines um you know on what you just said basically is um to think before you go out are you going out for a good would you rather a good a good date or a good you know husband or wife you know to keep that in mind the other question was to focus on character changes i actually got from rabbi dr frank would um to focus on character traits not personality traits a lot of people are looking for the personality traits but that might not make the best husband or wife but the character trace will make a very big difference mrs levy your final message dating is difficult and it's a process and a journey and not an easy one and those singles who i have over a lot and talk to about dating i try to impart to them that it's it's a process it's a journey and there's something that you need to be gaining from this process and from this journey that's gonna help you as you move forward it's not like okay that day that day that date it's more like what did i get out of this date was i able to figure out for myself what i need more as i dated this person was i able to figure out what who this person is who i'm dating did i just see externals or did i actually get to know someone and make a decision no this is not something that works for me can i stay focused that way did i learn a little bit more about myself a little bit more about what how to relate to another person a little bit more about another person and that was i able to do that and if so then i'm moving forward in my journey and nobody knows and nobody can know when this journey will where the journey is going to go and when it's going to end that is that's the hashem and we need to keep him in the picture but my job the singles job and i try to impart that is to figure out how i'm going to best navigate this journey the place russian put me how am i best going to navigate it how am i going to come out of it a better person not just a jaded and worn out person remember that hashem i already thought of yourself 40 days before you were born and it's really hard and you know it's you in the moment um but always put your best foot forward no matter even if you come to the date and you see that you know this is not for me like right away you know just keep you know keep trying putting your best foot forward actually the first step that i made was with the guy that i went out with i set up afterwards with a friend of mine that said that in the moment a lot of times it's just it's really frustrating and while you're dating um and there's a light at the end of the tunnel you know um keep davening and keep doing your establish um one of this should another i just made was someone who had two broken engagements and he had one broken engagement and it's just for them i remember speaking to them after they were engaged in like the first two times um and they it's so disappointing but they just kept going and other brush i'm happily married um and i hope that it goes that way for everyone um and just yeah keep keep daving and we're here for you i mostly feel very strongly that it's very important for people to keep themselves in a good massive ruach museum and mostly i mean i remember hearing advice as a single person being somebody said uh somebody's color that person can grow a certain amount as a single person and hashem at that point the person kept moves on gets married so that gave me motivation to keep growing as a single person and doing things that made me feel good about myself and i think that's very very important for people to look that to try to do that and keep a positive attitude and surely to come across in a very positive and upbeat way it's not so easy i i find with singles and speaking to them that they don't really feel so much that they belong in the community our community is very family oriented every young every shabbos every simplest torah this year i was saying supposed to corona was better for singles because pretty much everybody was telling so i mean we've seen girls crying and you know like it's it's heartbreaking so our heart our community is not set up really unfortunately to accommodate our singles and my advice when i speak to singles is i tell them try to keep yourself in the loop put yourself in a place even if nobody picks up the phone to call you there are many organizations that would benefit from your services you could be a mentor for you know a girl is struggling with your yiddish guide or high lifeliner and i know there are many single girls who do this already on their own or they start organizations because they are more flexible and not everybody needs to start the organization tight but i do think that we need to fear our singles in the direction of build yourself what do you what do you see yourself doing how would you like to be involved in the community so that's one thing i think that would be very important the other thing i would recommend to single is to explain to them that if you need help if you need to work something out from your childhood that's unresolved if you need you know you're dealing with a certain mental health issue or some many people are whether it's anxiety it doesn't have to be something as serious as depression but it could it naturally they could be depressed but i'm saying anything that they need help with they need to understand that marriage is not going to solve your problems therefore start your journey now you don't wait until you're married to get the help you know what i'm saying i feel like some people are living in a bubble then they get married and and all those years from 20 to 30 or from 25 to 35 they could have really been they would have faced their issues and we see singles in their late 30s early 40s who are waking up to that now it's really never too late but i'm just saying like i would tell them to get the help and work together and grow with the person that you're going to marry you make yourself vulnerable at a certain point and say listen you know this is these are some of the things that i'm working through and surprisingly i'm sure not surprisingly they're also working through things you know so at a certain point they'll be able to make themselves vulnerable to share but i just think that people should start their journey of getting the help when they're single and do things that they enjoy whether it's traveling or photography getting involved in the community explore and not just sit back and wait just on one point that you said and i i tell many singles that also a lot of times i find people are looking for like a finished product but i find that i hate money singles that you have to realize that it's something that you know you need just someone to build a foundation on start it off and then you know you have the rest of life to build on that right you're not you know from going out or this is that you're not going to be you know finding the finished product you have to you know build and work on it together right yeah for two things that i like to ask the single is um what are you open to instead of focusing so much on their needs i feel like with the secular world and all the you know just so much out there in terms of you know reading and you know what's out there whatever whatever is out there the message of the secular world is getting my needs met and i my my personal feeling is is that even though everyone does have needs then they they should be addressed and whatever but i feel like if we could change and make a shift in our questions and maybe start thinking like what can i offer what can i bring to this marriage what can i offer what can i give in this marriage and it really that shift in mindset i think helps people develop themselves before a marriage to get them ready for marriage what can i bring what can i offer and then we can talk about what my needs are but what can i bring um and that's every you know what am i open to in terms of what am i open to i look at it like this i always say to singles when you're dating someone it's very important to find their flaws usually when somebody comes into the first couple dates they'll tell you what's great about them you don't really need to work to find that but we all have flaws and in order to really get serious with someone and commit to them i think it's important to figure out what their weak areas are and make sure those are flaws that you can live with and perhaps help with also but certain flaws you can live with and certain flaws you can't and then on the other side of the coin some of you have said this that i really think it's important to first know yourself fairly well actually like yourself and to marry someone who appreciates what you are not what you know try to be what you think they want but someone who actually appreciates your strengths and even sometimes your quirks i think it's important for people going on a date to give each other a chance and if at all possible at least go out twice and realize that they're not going to have this chemistry necessarily on the third or the fourth date and and to give themselves a chance to get to know each other to see if something will develop thank you so much thank you everybody for joining us all the work the hard work that you all do and keep keep up you know everything you do for call yourself